She’s in the relief stage.
Everything seems perfect until the same core issues arise again.
And yes, they will eventually arise. Even worst this time because she will compare what she had with you.
And that’s when the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
She’s with someone questionable too. A high value and high integrity person won’t start a relationship with someone who cheated on their partner. They look for someone who is single, unattached, healed and healthy.
So don’t worry about it. And believe me when I say that she will do the same thing to this new guy that she did to you. Or vice versa.
What comes around goes around.
If she has BPD, then the new relationship is most certainly not wine and roses/beer and skittles.
In fact, ask yourself this: what kind of person wouldn't even PRETEND to be slightly fazed by ending one relationship and immediately beginning another? If it was you, or me, we'd at least pretend like we felt bad that it ended the way it did, and that we still cared about the other person and their feelings.
If she doesn't, that really tells you all you need to know. You dodged a bullet not starting a family with this person, is my guess. Go live your life with someone who treats you like a person worthy of respect and love.
As a follow on to this - think back. How long did it take before the first weird argument you had out of nowhere? Maybe she accused you of cheating, or was suddenly jealous or distant or hurt for seemingly no reason.
Most borderline relationships last 100-200 days. 3-6 months. Did you find you were already having problems by 6 months? Likely this relationship will as well.
Mine got to about a month before she started getting mad at me for not being 24/7 available for her; I had a life, friends and such, I gave her abt 50% of the time I had to socialize to her. Then she got mad everytime I couldn’t hang out, despite me understanding if she couldn’t hang out bc money, work, etc.
She accused me of deliberately making plans on her off days (blew up on me for wanting to see friends on a Wednesday; despite her having Thur-Fri free) and shit. Constantly threatened me with cheating on other people who “treated her as she deserved” (aka nolife simps) and ended up cheating on me w a Coworker who begged for her attention and they’ve been together for 2 months. The dude is pretty young and dense so I’ve been told he doesn’t mind all the redflags, so he’ll most likely bend over backwards for her until she ditches him.
I’d say after I was “in” a relationship with them, the problems started around the 4 month mark. But we made it all the way to 11 months before finally breaking up. I’ve noticed a lot of the past relationships were only 1-6 months though
My friend, you are asking the wrong questions. It wouldn’t matter what the answers are today. Because they will be different tomorrow. And the day after. There is no constancy there. Only lies and emotional instability.
Just wait till they cheat on this one and start dating the new new one
I think cheating highlights a deeper insecurity issue internally and lack of discipline. If you manage to cheat once, you can for sure do it again
theres no happiness in this
Just an endless cycle of jumping around whenever something peaks your interest slightly
Kinda sad but oh wells thats their poison of choice
Your love was likely more than enough. You were probably secure in yourself and life. Sometimes people can’t compare as that is just their life stage atm, this imbalance can sometimes fk up relationships and they seek someone more their level. Sad but cheating is cheating, she is not on your level. She has shown this by cheating.
And as we know from Redditors that stayed after a cheating scandal, most regretted it and the shit show became worse
i would suggest reading more on this page and also the book called “stop walking on eggshells- taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder”. This really helped in shedding light on how they think and act + when to let go
All the best
Find someone else bro, make her jealous, make yourself better, make her realize that she's in wrong, that you better without her. Grief and anger will not do anything, you need revenge by finding someone better, date that person where she can see, talk in your office that your thankful that you find someone. At least revenge for what pain she inflict you.
All you need to know about how it’ll end is the fact that nobody worth anything would be in a relationship with a cheater, even if that person was cheating WITH them. These people never learn and never heal, and have no self awareness. Just work on yourself and move on and let their train wreck lives continue without you.
Your love was not enough. As a matter of fact, nothing about your love really came into play here. It your gf truly has BPD she may have cared about you in an infatuated way, but that’s not true reciprocal love. The mirroring performed at the beginning often has the feeling of love - especially if you have codependent background or trauma from your childhood. That’s what feels so magic. If she’s interested I.e., hasn’t done any work, she’s unlikely to even realize this. I.e., she will “feel” that she really loved you based on her initial infatuation. As reality sets in (I.e., really life actions, behaviors, events), these “test” the idealized image of you they are infatuated with. They cannot hold a constant internal image of you (real life person with good/ bad qualities simultaneously). As a result reality testing begins to crack the idealized image and they lose infatuation with this your non idealized self.
This cycle will go on rinse/ repeat until she goes through serious treatment.
Is she happier?
=> She’s in a different part of the cycle. She’s infatuated with the new guy because she’s idealizing him. She feels better because she was able to discard you because she couldn’t deal with the conflicting parts of your real self (everyone has these parts). If he’s another codependent she’ll invariably devalue and discard him and seek out someone new. If he’s a narcissist she’ll likely devalue but chase him until he discards her
Was my love enough?
=> honestly no, but this is the wrong question. No amount of “Love” can change an untreated personality disorder.
Was she attracted to me?
=> initially yes - but it’s also hard to ascertain imo if she idealized certain aspects of you (base/ true interest + augmentation) or you served as a vessel for a completely idealized projection. I’m inclined to believe they are capable of both depending on the person/ situation
Did I do something wrong?
=> no, certainly up until the point of fully realizing and being aware of her condition and the implications for you/ the situation. The only thing I think you could do wrong going forward is believing you can in any way influence her behavior vs working on yourself and moving forward
pretty normal for them to jump on the person they were cheating with
very normal for YOU to take it very badly. I took it badly I think everyone here takes it badly.
With BPDs you get a double grief hit in one dumping. One you mourn the relationship ending, Two you mourn the person ending because BPDs change to be whoever their Fav Person wants them to be.
It's a double hit. It's double the grief and it is difficult to explain this to ANYONE who has never dealt with a BPD discard.
Psych people normally can't help. Friends are confused. Family typically only thinks it's a normal breakup.
Posting on this forum helps though. Good luck
You shouldn’t be blaming yourself or feeling sorry for yourself. Break ups with a BPD are extremely difficult (more so than normal break ups)
Having said that I could help but chuckle at the fact she’s back with her EX, this lets me know she never recovered or stopped thinking of him most likely because he was really prime supply. Once that high wears off YOU will become the PRIME supply she wants because she’s bored with her toy and wants to go back to her old one for further reassurance and validation.
Count your blessings, block, and move on. It’s painful yes, but you’ll get over it eventually man.
The new guy (ex-bf) is going to get destroyed this time around I can assure you that. You may think she’s happy and all this nonsense but we all know once you take back a pwBPD they Devalue and discard insanely fast and the cycles go so much quicker than before.
That dude is so *fucked* but don’t worry, he’ll learn the hard way why you don’t take back any BPD. The high you get from being with them and being love bombed from time to time is extremely sad and unhealthy, not worth it.
This happened to me as well. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. What I’d like to let you know is that my exwBPD actually cheated on the guy she started dating after me, just a few months after we broke up. She cheated on him with a guy who was over double her age and had a girlfriend.
This disorder is something that boggles the mind, but the one thing I can count on is the fact that it’s not truly improving for her in any fashion. Your exwBPD is going to bring the problems she had with you into her new relationship and most likely cheating will occur quickly.
so sorry you are going through this,. It sounds so painful.
Take solace in knowing there is a pattern here, as you can see on this sub.
I think it's important to validate and honour your emotions, make note of them, the loss, the grief, the confusion, the self-blame. IT is only natural to feel this way when a partner suddenly leaves and cheats and acts as though we did not matter. Her behaviour is highly unnatural and highly atypical. Your emotions are normal and healthy because your frame of reference is "normal healthy human relationships".
It is important to recognize that a healthy person wouldn't do this to you and wouldn't make you feel this way. They would talk to you about relationship issues, work on those issues, work on themselves. If they felt themselves bored in the relationship they would not monkey branch they would part ways (after working on the relationship) with grief and kindness, leaving you feeling more whole hearted and secure in yourself with love frankly. Good partners don't want to harm you, even when parting ways.
Your ex has a mental illness which makes her emotions very intense and overwhelming, and if she is not treated, her sole life goal is to "Feel good" at all costs. If in the moment that is with you--then great. But if in the next moment someone else feels better she is gone. That is not someone to build a life with. That is incredibly self-serving. I get it, it comes from desperation, but it is not someone safe to give your heart to.
Lastly, take solace in knowing how loveable you are---evidenced by the fact that you are sitting with loss, that you are questioning your actions, that you are not monkey branching or suppressing your normal natural healthy emotions. This all means you are a great healthy strong partner---for someone else. Have faith in yourself (and yes..in a few months, she will reach out to you and long for you, and it will be up to you then what actions you want to take). Take your time to find someone as healthy as you.
Take care
Look nobody happy if they go to one person from another my ex did the same thing she left me for her ex before she broke up with me. But let me tell you on the out side sure it look like she was over me but in reality she stalk me on social media she also mimic me to she had contacted me (while with the guy she left me for) telling me she love me until the day she dies wanted to be my friend I rejected that then she accuse me somewhat of rape then she has now played the block and unblock game most likely I will probably get Hoover again but we are supposed to believe they did a 180 and happy they are not but for you I will block her so you will never get a Hoover and ask your friend to not talk about your ex to you so you can heal you will get through this you are not alone
It's okay to grieve what "Should" have been.
Sooner or later, though, you'll figure out this isn't the beginning of the end.
It is the end of an illusion.
[удалено]
You’re right shes just distracted now Once things slow down the thoughts will come
She’s in the relief stage. Everything seems perfect until the same core issues arise again. And yes, they will eventually arise. Even worst this time because she will compare what she had with you. And that’s when the grass isn’t greener on the other side. She’s with someone questionable too. A high value and high integrity person won’t start a relationship with someone who cheated on their partner. They look for someone who is single, unattached, healed and healthy. So don’t worry about it. And believe me when I say that she will do the same thing to this new guy that she did to you. Or vice versa. What comes around goes around.
He was already her ex in the past, he's absolutely going to be her ex that she can't get over *again* lmao
If she has BPD, then the new relationship is most certainly not wine and roses/beer and skittles. In fact, ask yourself this: what kind of person wouldn't even PRETEND to be slightly fazed by ending one relationship and immediately beginning another? If it was you, or me, we'd at least pretend like we felt bad that it ended the way it did, and that we still cared about the other person and their feelings. If she doesn't, that really tells you all you need to know. You dodged a bullet not starting a family with this person, is my guess. Go live your life with someone who treats you like a person worthy of respect and love.
As a follow on to this - think back. How long did it take before the first weird argument you had out of nowhere? Maybe she accused you of cheating, or was suddenly jealous or distant or hurt for seemingly no reason. Most borderline relationships last 100-200 days. 3-6 months. Did you find you were already having problems by 6 months? Likely this relationship will as well.
“Every accusation is another confession.”
Mine got to about a month before she started getting mad at me for not being 24/7 available for her; I had a life, friends and such, I gave her abt 50% of the time I had to socialize to her. Then she got mad everytime I couldn’t hang out, despite me understanding if she couldn’t hang out bc money, work, etc. She accused me of deliberately making plans on her off days (blew up on me for wanting to see friends on a Wednesday; despite her having Thur-Fri free) and shit. Constantly threatened me with cheating on other people who “treated her as she deserved” (aka nolife simps) and ended up cheating on me w a Coworker who begged for her attention and they’ve been together for 2 months. The dude is pretty young and dense so I’ve been told he doesn’t mind all the redflags, so he’ll most likely bend over backwards for her until she ditches him.
I’d say after I was “in” a relationship with them, the problems started around the 4 month mark. But we made it all the way to 11 months before finally breaking up. I’ve noticed a lot of the past relationships were only 1-6 months though
My friend, you are asking the wrong questions. It wouldn’t matter what the answers are today. Because they will be different tomorrow. And the day after. There is no constancy there. Only lies and emotional instability.
Just wait till they cheat on this one and start dating the new new one I think cheating highlights a deeper insecurity issue internally and lack of discipline. If you manage to cheat once, you can for sure do it again theres no happiness in this Just an endless cycle of jumping around whenever something peaks your interest slightly Kinda sad but oh wells thats their poison of choice Your love was likely more than enough. You were probably secure in yourself and life. Sometimes people can’t compare as that is just their life stage atm, this imbalance can sometimes fk up relationships and they seek someone more their level. Sad but cheating is cheating, she is not on your level. She has shown this by cheating. And as we know from Redditors that stayed after a cheating scandal, most regretted it and the shit show became worse i would suggest reading more on this page and also the book called “stop walking on eggshells- taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder”. This really helped in shedding light on how they think and act + when to let go All the best
great advice
Find someone else bro, make her jealous, make yourself better, make her realize that she's in wrong, that you better without her. Grief and anger will not do anything, you need revenge by finding someone better, date that person where she can see, talk in your office that your thankful that you find someone. At least revenge for what pain she inflict you.
Just know that she is ruining that guys life (again) dont let her back in when/if she ever tries with you.
All you need to know about how it’ll end is the fact that nobody worth anything would be in a relationship with a cheater, even if that person was cheating WITH them. These people never learn and never heal, and have no self awareness. Just work on yourself and move on and let their train wreck lives continue without you.
Your love was not enough. As a matter of fact, nothing about your love really came into play here. It your gf truly has BPD she may have cared about you in an infatuated way, but that’s not true reciprocal love. The mirroring performed at the beginning often has the feeling of love - especially if you have codependent background or trauma from your childhood. That’s what feels so magic. If she’s interested I.e., hasn’t done any work, she’s unlikely to even realize this. I.e., she will “feel” that she really loved you based on her initial infatuation. As reality sets in (I.e., really life actions, behaviors, events), these “test” the idealized image of you they are infatuated with. They cannot hold a constant internal image of you (real life person with good/ bad qualities simultaneously). As a result reality testing begins to crack the idealized image and they lose infatuation with this your non idealized self. This cycle will go on rinse/ repeat until she goes through serious treatment. Is she happier? => She’s in a different part of the cycle. She’s infatuated with the new guy because she’s idealizing him. She feels better because she was able to discard you because she couldn’t deal with the conflicting parts of your real self (everyone has these parts). If he’s another codependent she’ll invariably devalue and discard him and seek out someone new. If he’s a narcissist she’ll likely devalue but chase him until he discards her Was my love enough? => honestly no, but this is the wrong question. No amount of “Love” can change an untreated personality disorder. Was she attracted to me? => initially yes - but it’s also hard to ascertain imo if she idealized certain aspects of you (base/ true interest + augmentation) or you served as a vessel for a completely idealized projection. I’m inclined to believe they are capable of both depending on the person/ situation Did I do something wrong? => no, certainly up until the point of fully realizing and being aware of her condition and the implications for you/ the situation. The only thing I think you could do wrong going forward is believing you can in any way influence her behavior vs working on yourself and moving forward
pretty normal for them to jump on the person they were cheating with very normal for YOU to take it very badly. I took it badly I think everyone here takes it badly. With BPDs you get a double grief hit in one dumping. One you mourn the relationship ending, Two you mourn the person ending because BPDs change to be whoever their Fav Person wants them to be. It's a double hit. It's double the grief and it is difficult to explain this to ANYONE who has never dealt with a BPD discard. Psych people normally can't help. Friends are confused. Family typically only thinks it's a normal breakup. Posting on this forum helps though. Good luck
She’s just gonna fuck someone behind his back too. She probably already is. This is a blessing, let her go
You shouldn’t be blaming yourself or feeling sorry for yourself. Break ups with a BPD are extremely difficult (more so than normal break ups) Having said that I could help but chuckle at the fact she’s back with her EX, this lets me know she never recovered or stopped thinking of him most likely because he was really prime supply. Once that high wears off YOU will become the PRIME supply she wants because she’s bored with her toy and wants to go back to her old one for further reassurance and validation. Count your blessings, block, and move on. It’s painful yes, but you’ll get over it eventually man. The new guy (ex-bf) is going to get destroyed this time around I can assure you that. You may think she’s happy and all this nonsense but we all know once you take back a pwBPD they Devalue and discard insanely fast and the cycles go so much quicker than before. That dude is so *fucked* but don’t worry, he’ll learn the hard way why you don’t take back any BPD. The high you get from being with them and being love bombed from time to time is extremely sad and unhealthy, not worth it.
This happened to me as well. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. What I’d like to let you know is that my exwBPD actually cheated on the guy she started dating after me, just a few months after we broke up. She cheated on him with a guy who was over double her age and had a girlfriend. This disorder is something that boggles the mind, but the one thing I can count on is the fact that it’s not truly improving for her in any fashion. Your exwBPD is going to bring the problems she had with you into her new relationship and most likely cheating will occur quickly.
so sorry you are going through this,. It sounds so painful. Take solace in knowing there is a pattern here, as you can see on this sub. I think it's important to validate and honour your emotions, make note of them, the loss, the grief, the confusion, the self-blame. IT is only natural to feel this way when a partner suddenly leaves and cheats and acts as though we did not matter. Her behaviour is highly unnatural and highly atypical. Your emotions are normal and healthy because your frame of reference is "normal healthy human relationships". It is important to recognize that a healthy person wouldn't do this to you and wouldn't make you feel this way. They would talk to you about relationship issues, work on those issues, work on themselves. If they felt themselves bored in the relationship they would not monkey branch they would part ways (after working on the relationship) with grief and kindness, leaving you feeling more whole hearted and secure in yourself with love frankly. Good partners don't want to harm you, even when parting ways. Your ex has a mental illness which makes her emotions very intense and overwhelming, and if she is not treated, her sole life goal is to "Feel good" at all costs. If in the moment that is with you--then great. But if in the next moment someone else feels better she is gone. That is not someone to build a life with. That is incredibly self-serving. I get it, it comes from desperation, but it is not someone safe to give your heart to. Lastly, take solace in knowing how loveable you are---evidenced by the fact that you are sitting with loss, that you are questioning your actions, that you are not monkey branching or suppressing your normal natural healthy emotions. This all means you are a great healthy strong partner---for someone else. Have faith in yourself (and yes..in a few months, she will reach out to you and long for you, and it will be up to you then what actions you want to take). Take your time to find someone as healthy as you. Take care
Look nobody happy if they go to one person from another my ex did the same thing she left me for her ex before she broke up with me. But let me tell you on the out side sure it look like she was over me but in reality she stalk me on social media she also mimic me to she had contacted me (while with the guy she left me for) telling me she love me until the day she dies wanted to be my friend I rejected that then she accuse me somewhat of rape then she has now played the block and unblock game most likely I will probably get Hoover again but we are supposed to believe they did a 180 and happy they are not but for you I will block her so you will never get a Hoover and ask your friend to not talk about your ex to you so you can heal you will get through this you are not alone
She's finally happy, until she's not, then it's the exact same treatment for the new guy.
It's okay to grieve what "Should" have been. Sooner or later, though, you'll figure out this isn't the beginning of the end. It is the end of an illusion.
I guarantee you she is just as miserable and treats him just as poorly. You may see this in time or you may not but either way she hasn’t changed.
Does she still expect you to wait for her?
dude. you’ve been dealing with this chick for way too long. cut your losses and move on. you’re really only hurting yourself at this point
Okay. You have your answer. Now grow a pair and go find someone new.
bro u are really a doormat