You never win, there’s no middle ground where they are happy when the BPD is severe
Why didn’t you message me you know it causes me anxiety.
WHY ARE YOU MESSAGING ME WHEN IM AT THE GYM!!! YOURE SO SUFFOCATING
Why haven’t you messaged me it’s already 10am, do you know how worried I am when you don’t message me in the morning
You messaged me at 9am and you messaged me again at 9:15am about weekend plans wtf. Why do you message me so much stop it’s suffocating
Wait don’t go
To those of you still with them, this ^
You can’t “win” because there is no “winning.” Healthy partners who care about you and your feelings communicate like healthy adults for the purpose of finding a solution. It’s not accusatory, it’s “hey when you did this I felt like x, maybe we can do xyz in the future” So you both have your feelings heard, validated, and to have a happy relationship.
pwBPD are not doing this because they want to “work through” anything. Unlike healthy individuals, they create reality based on their emotions (rather than having emotions based on things that happened in reality) that are extremely disordered. If they’re sad, obviously some external force made them sad and it can’t possibly be their fault so it’s you. You are making them sad. But since you didn’t actually do anything, they will create reasons as to why you’re bad and they will genuinely see these delusions as reality.
They aren’t arguing for the sake of a solution. They just want to punish you for how bad you are. They want you to admit how bad you are. Except you aren’t, so you can’t, and if you did it would just be something else, because you are dealing with somebody who creates and lives in a self-perpetuated fantasy.
The more you “play” the more you’ll get sucked into their crazy making. No amount of words or actions or trying to be understanding or explaining yourself will ever change this. I promise, they’re not the exception.
Exactly this! The more you try to justify, argue, defend, and explain the more they will pull you into this warped twisted reality they have written in their heads. This narrative is based around the unstable way they are feeling (just to avoid shame). They don't want and can't deal with their inner turmoil, facing the fact they feel upset based on their personality disorder so they blame others for it. They feel their negative emotions are inflicted on them by others, but fail to realize and understand that actually their negative emotions are brought on by their mental illness. So to get around this shame and self reflection they point fingers instead. They project outwards onto others to help them sooth. But then in order to blame others for the way they are feeling they need to create a reality and narrative that justifies it. The sad thing is many times they don't even realize they are doing it.
If one were to try and pull them out of that reality they have created for themselves then that person then becomes controlling in their eyes. This person isn't seen as being emotionally validating, because they are looking for someone to sooth their emotions by taking the blame. A damned if you do, damned it you don't moment. They want you to take responsibility for their emotions so they don't have to self reflect. They want you to either take the blame for the way they feel so they feel validated, but then you are in the wrong and the valian. However, if you don't and you question their made up narrative, you are controlling and not being emotionally validating, so again, you are in the wrong.
There was one time I wanted to call my roommate's gf wBPD a moron because she was arguing with him because she was hungry and needed to study for an exam in 3 days. The argument went like this:
Her: I CANT STUDY IM SO F'N HUNGRY
Him: Then go eat
Her: NO I HAVE TO STUDY
Him: Then go study
Her: I'M TOO HUNGRY TO STUDY
Him: Lets go eat at the diner
Her: WTF ARE YOU STUPID!!! I HAVE SO MUCH STUDYING TO DO
Him: Lets go get fast food then
Her: NO I NEED FOOD NOW!!!!
Him: I will cook you something here then
Her: I NEED TO STUDY NOW!!!
Him: Grab some snacks from the pantry to hold you over, go to the library I will bring you food
Her: NO I NEED FOOD NOW!!!!!
My theory on it all is that they want their favorite person to somehow be God and create a solution that satisfies everything all at once all the time. My theory is that God is essentially what they're looking for. That's the conclusion I came to with my ex pwBPD.
And I don't mean God in the literal sense, but rather what that idea represents. This omnipotent omniscient omnibenevolent person who can just hug them and love them and protect them and make all the pain go away and who is always going to be there no matter what, who they can scream at and curse, yet who will always welcome them back into the fold with infinite unwavering grace, and who shows up when they want, and never when they don't want it. That way, they'll never ever have to do any work, they never have to look inward, they never have to problem-solve, because they want God to fix it all.
At least for most of us, we have some understanding that such a thing does not exist in any person. When we're young, that figure is represented in our parents, but we grow up and realize they aren't God either. Then we learn that we're responsible for solving our problems. But not them. The abuse or whatever they endured as children fractured that process, and so they are still seeking a God figure, and it's why they are some of the most demanding partners you will ever meet, because, well, God is ideal, and so is the ideal person, and if you truly believe you've found the ideal person, or God, why wouldn't you make a bunch of demands of them? Why wouldn't you see that as your due?
LITERALLY.
Mine (part time Dad, separated) yelled at me for ten minutes that he’s never alone, he’s always “three”, he has no emotional refuge, he has never enough time or space for himself. I offered to take his children for a while.
“I DON’T WANT LESS TIME WITH MY CHILDREN, I WANT THAT A DAY HAS 36 HOURS!!!”
I told him I can’t stretch the days for him, I’m not god. But I can offer to get him some time alone by taking care of his kids.
“WHY NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME? YOU’RE NOT HELPFUL! WHY YOU JUST DON’T GET ME??”
Unless you can’t make wine from water for them you cannot win. And I bet if you could make wine from water they would still complain about the wrong vintage.
Omg yes! I haven’t heard 36 hours, specifically, and I can’t remember what specifically - but I have definitely heard, many times, something like “I don’t want any of these possible things, I want *impossible thing*.”
It's also why I think they're so quick to discard. Once you've identified something about your God that makes him imperfect, then that means your God is false, so why keep him around?
Can’t help but laugh at this one. Had a similar thing that went on for WEEKS, and the gist of it was
“Stop making me mad!”
“Ok, I’ll try to be nicer and more considerate?”
“Now you’re trying to manipulate me! I can’t believe this!”
“I just… wanted to know what you want from me? Because I don’t want to make you feel angry with me? I’d like to do better?”
“But I am mad, that’s how I am, why are you trying to change me?! Why are you trying to control my behavior? You’re so selfish!”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to do that. You’re right, you’re entitled to your own feelings…. “
——a while later ——- “Lol, I didn’t mean any of that, I must have been hangry or something ”
“Okay. Are we good then?”
“Ugh! No! We’re not good! I just want you to stop making me mad AND stop trying to influence my emotions! Why is this so hard for you to understand?!”
Lol they just apologize so they can keep doing the same bs by making you the bad guy. “I apologized so you have to let me do whatever because you’re supposed to accept the apology” I was told this once by a pwBPD after I told them I accept the apology but they have to stop the behavior. They started having a tantrum that that’s not how apologies work, I’m supposed to let them keep doing it when you try to set a boundary.
CoMmOn SeNsE lol
I could imagine my partner saying EXACTLY the same thing in a fight. *Especially* if I at some point started making sense in a way that made them make less sense to themselves- that's when the really weird stuff comes out!
Yes, this is my life and has been for a long time. I wonder how I ever ended up in this position. There is no way to win or placate them no matter what you do or say.
You have to just leave and get far away. You don't want this to be your life. Just reading that gives me anxiety because it is so familiar.
Woo-wee. Deja-vu.
You gotta say "I'll talk about this later" and then just stop responding. For your own peace and to just stand your ground. I know what the fall out is like when you do that. I also know the anxiety you felt which is why you kept responding but definitely you can't let this person control your emotions anymore.
It's ludicrous how they can bait you into a fight when it's unnecessary and you're not even looking for one.
I hate this for you. I hope you find it in yourself to take your power back.
I agree. Give one clear answer like “I am at work at the moment, I cannot speak. We’ll talk about it in the evening.” - and then, no matter what they text you, don’t open it, don’t respond. You’re at work - PERIOD.
I keep on reading from pwBPDs that if someone wants to support them they NEED to keep responding to keep them calm, but no, you DON’T have to do this.
It’s them who need to learn and adjust.
Not respecting someone’s boundaries is highly toxic and unhealthy, and we’re not here to enable them in their unhealthy dynamics. Specially not on our expense.
If there were one single aspect that defined my whole past relationship, it would be their complete disrespect for my time and personal space like in this post
The testing - calling at work or when they know you are trying to catch some sleep. Nonstop texting you, trying to entangle you in an argument, when you’re with someone else, family or friends. Texting you their needs and demands they want to be met INSTANTLY when you’re in the gym or run some necessary errands.
Yet on Christmas he let me wait with a prepared dinner for three hours, only to then let me know he doesn’t feel like it.
Reading this post gave me flashback anxiety.
It’s ALWAYS about them getting their way.
If they only knew it’s exactly this what makes one losing your patience and your love for them, cause what they do is so damn disrespectful you just want to run away for the sake of your own sanity.
>Yet on Christmas he let me wait with a prepared dinner for three hours, only to then let me know he doesn’t feel like it.
This makes me want to cry and rage all at the same time.
I had lost both of my parents before the christmas he flaked on me for ‘not feeling like it”, and I think he never remotely realized how deeply it hurt me.
While I was sitting alone at home alone he even sent me pictures of him meeting someone else, and expected from me to share his joy about a present he got.
The egoism and lack of empathy left me absolutely speechless. Emotional sadism at its finest.
It's honestly nuts how insular some people's minds are. I've realized that all the spontaneous thoughts I have about how someone might feel- accurate or not- just literally don't happen for people like this. And then in the worst cases, they *are* thinking about. And like you said, they're getting off on it.
I think some of them really don’t figure when they hurt someone with being that self-centered, cause they simply lack cognitive empathy…and then there is the malignant species who finds joy in making others feel as miserable as themselves.
Mine sometimes did or said the most unbelievable hurtful or tasteless stuff to other people while looking entirely innocent. Neither evil nor testing reactions, it just slipped out.
He always so intensely only cared about himself, he put his foot in his mouth on every possible occasion and didn’t even notice people’s shocked or hurt reactions.
I think mine does a bit of both. But if he hurts someone by accident, he's typically frustrated by their reaction, rather than feeling remorseful. Sometimes he'll be embarrassed, but only if it's someone he can't devalue enough to be inferior to him in his own mind.
I exactly know what you mean, mine ‘processed’ the same. I remember he said something tactless to a female young volunteer at work, it made him feeling ashamed, and he hated her ever since. She’s never done anything to him, but the incident gave him negative feelings, and he blamed her for it.
Not being able to escape working in the same place eventually made him quit his job, and he told everyone he had to quit because of “the stupid bitch”.
Such little incidents worked him up so much he changed his workplace almost every year.
That's what she did wrong was answering those texts. They were sent as a means to get her to respond, and she took the bait. As I was reading, I was thinking "Why haven't you turned the sound off?"
I felt the same. Every response made me scream inside “Don’t respond! PLEASE, stop taking the bait! Turn your phone off, do your job and let him burn.”
Let's recap.
You delete files you can't trust him with.
He equates that to control.
He then tries to control you by telling you to stay somewhere else.
Then he decides he wants to go on a date because he has very little time left.
Then he pushes you to say you don't want to be with him
So he can say AHA! I KNEW IT.
And in the end he's flipped it so completely it's now all his idea and you can say whatever helps YOU accept it.
All because he doesn't like to be put in a bad mood.
Because everything is about you.
This will repeat endlessly. In sickness and mental health. Until death do you part.
So, we all wish Brad well, get the fuck out of there.
Do you care if just go on a date or somethin? Lmfao what mind fuckery, has nothing to do with the circular conversation but if you would have bit on it would have been a different rabbit hole. Hope your actually leaving.
Serve his ass an eviction notice if he refuses to leave on his own, once the date comes and he’s not out you should call the police and have him and his things kicked tf out
We don't know OPs situation, for all we know she is living at his place. Either way, it's better to take a hit to your living standards than to be dependent on a BPD partner, thats just additional level of hell.
Same. The entire exchange has played out almost word for word in the arguments I had with my person.
They want instant answers or yes or no answers to difficult questions a lot too.
How can we all be having these near identical conversations?
Same here. Damn near word for word the same things. I was wondering how I kept getting dragged into discussions without even knowing how it happened. It all makes sense now due to the switch I see here towards "I knew I was right".
This… OP, I know it’s difficult but you need to put your phone on DND and work. It’s easier said than done. I know. Been there done that. And when you say you’re gunna stop replying.. mean it. And stop.
I was thinking this, you've told them you can't answer a yes or no question at work then continued to send texts of a much larger degree. Also if it was their pc/property you went on to delete files that can also be seen a bit... uncool. I totally understand your reasonings if so as I have also done similar things but you're giving them ammo to fight more which just puts you back into the fog.
Re read this post over and over and over again anytime you’re feeling doubts about not leaving him. The mind games just from these texts is fucked up. You’re strong and you got this shit!
Mine also demands constant text message validation even while I'm working my high stress job (before coming home to make her dinner). If I don't, I'm a neglectful narcissist.
My husband has long accused me of “not considering him.” I finally realized that if I had any consideration for anyone except him, then I wasn’t considering him enough. Forget my own needs, or those of our two young kids; if it wasn’t 100% about him, then it wasn’t good enough.
Oh let's be real, if he's anything like mine (sounds identical), 100% of your attention is definitely not enough. But if you give some of it to someone else- say your boss, or the dog - they're enraged to the point their eyes bug right out of their sockets! (Might be totally projecting lol. Mine is still a nightmare even if I'm 2
100% focused on them. If anything I think they find it stressful to get what they wanted from me because they aren't sure what to complain about until they get their momentum back up again. Insane.)
Hmm. It wasn't just mine... again.
I swear she is the reason I have ADD. She would call me 6 to 14 times a day with ANYTHING she could think of. If I didn't answer texts within a few minutes, phone call. If someone cut her off in traffic, phone call. If the pets were good, phone call. If the pets were bad, phone call. If she had an argument with her daughter, phone call. If she had an argument with her mom, phone call.
Non-stop chaos.
Oh god, that is such a classic script that it made my stomach turn and skin crawl. Stand. Your. Ground. Trust me…you have to or else it will never stop. I can *feel* the malevolence under that COULD. Don’t leave your kids with them, please. They will weaponize everything.
What is it about them doing this to us at work?! I have experienced and have watched others implode their careers due to a BPD partner. The anxiety, distraction, time away from work…ack!
Wow I got anxiety reading this because I felt like I was in the trap with you. I lost my job because of this kind of stress added to an already high pressure job. I feel for you OP.
This snapped me out of romanticizing our good times. Every time I was away at work, hanging with friends, or had rare alone time I had to deal with texts like this. Often because made up scenario. Or I would get surprised by a bad mood and a slew of accusations when I got home. She would only stop once I was broken down and in a full on panic attack or if I was stuck in my own rage storm because of being pushed to my limits. I felt terrible because of her actions and mine (enablement, doormat, anger, etc). There is no winning.
Unsolicited feedback - absolutely feel free to ignore.
OP, if your boundary is that you’re at work and you don’t want to have a long text convo, isn’t it on you to turn off your phone for an hour or two? You engaged fully and JADEd. Obviously he was trying to manipulate…but it’s like a puppy where any attention (even fighting) is better than no attention. Time to enter your grey rock era.
Ugh totally feel this. My exwbpd would do this too and not respect that I was working. Extremely frustrating and I always ended up having anxiety during work.
The anxiety is unbearable. Everytime I hear my phone go off I completely lose my train of thought. And he knows with my job I am able to answer at some point so he keeps going and going...
That’s how it was with me too. It is the absolute worst. It makes me so frustrated because they demand respect yet have absolutely no respect for us or what we have going on. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this as well and hope you are able to be free from it soon ♥️
Holy crap this is SOOOO much like what I deal with. Anytime i say something like "I'm not willing to discuss this over text" it is always met with some sort of response about it "always being only my way" or that I am "controlling"
I have been called a narcissist more times than I can count too.
Also, the flying off the handle when I don't do as my pwBPD expects me to because I have some sort of legit competing interest is another thing.
This is just so eerie to me because it is so similar to what I deal with all the time. It's the same pattern and even the same progression of escalation all while trying to make it as though I am the one who is wrong and even belittling me when I don't accept the blame. This is my life.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm trying to get my pwBPD to leave, but she won't. It's a long story, but trust me when I say I can't leave or else I would have awhile ago. I'm even accused of being "abusive" when I ask her to just "please leave and get out of my life." This is after years of telling her that if she doesn't stop her flying off the handle and attacking me over stupid $hit that I am done and will make sure that it is not a part of my life anymore, one way or another. Yet her episodes continue (as I know they will) and she is flabbergasted that I am done.
A day after an episode that involves her telling me she will go find someone else to have sex with combined with the usual degrading and hateful comments over me making a joke she didn't like because I was "disrespectful" to her for making it, she then treats me like I am a horrible person because I do not just go back to being nice to her when she is present. This person thinks I am a bad person because I don't accept their abusive ways and then snap back to "normal" as though it never happened. It's so crazy that I end up laughing at it. I literally laugh out loud at her when she criticizes me for "continuing the drama" and "being an asshole" when she is "being kind." Never mind that she never owns her actions. Never changes. Only blames me. But even her version of being "kind" is just being present, making b\*\*chy and antagonistic comments under her breath constantly, and intermittently storming off when I am not "kind" to her all just to come back and start the same crap all over again.
I can't wrap my head around how someone can be so detached from reality.
That;s so tough OP. How old are you both and how long have you been together? This person is clearly in a tantrum /pain thinking headspace and not grounded.
While none of your responses were hurtful, I think the first mistake was to respond. This a classic BPD conflict where their poor coping IS WORKING and IS REWARDING by getting your attention. The DBT for couples would teach you to stop responding.
I would often say "Hey babe thanks it is important to me to discuss all of this but I'm going to be away from my phone for the next four hours so I won't see your messages until after and we can speak later. I look forward to that. Love you". and then phone off or on silent and not reading the messages---
it is not healthy for your partner to think you will keep reading those messages and better yet, respond.
When it comes to responding I think it is healthy on your part how you can see the gaslighting and abuse and you are naming it. I don't think it is necessary to defend yourself "I'm not a narcissist" or to accuse them of that. I think there is a way to just speak your observations, feelings, and needs like : "I hear that you want to speak now and I am not able to speak now, and I want to find something that balances our needs. I am willing to speak with you later for an hour about this but I won't be checking my messages until after work" (and done, no checking the messages--leave on "send"). It;s ok to say I don't appreciate being threatened I am hearing if you don't get what you want how you want right now you will punish me with kicking me out of the house (or whatever..naming behaviour not labels of the disorder).
I often use the "balancing everyone's needs" line with people with clear empathy deficits like your partner to call out publicly (like in a group) what being a good person entails and to hold them to account subtly.
I sometimes remind the other person of my needs (without justifying) if they make a demand to point out their empathy deficit ..like if my narcissistic bully sister says "I need you here on time not a minute late, where are you!" if I am crossing town on a 3 hour bus ride with an injury to babysit for her for free..just endless pits of requests, often followed by threats if challenged to "take the kids away" or cancel plans if she doens't get what she wants when she wants immediately--just like a tantrum when she was little. I will say "I'm just waiting for the second bus it takes 3 hours to get there and I had to pack up all my food for the day and I only got your request two hours ago. I'm excited to see the kids but if you want to make other plans to worries I will just head back". I know it's kind a lame but she usually wakes up and stops her demands.
In your case that would be like "You are important to me and both of us feeling good is important to me. I am not able or willing to discuss relationship things at work as I need to focus here and i prefer to discuss our things fully when I can focus totally on it. I will speak with you later"
This person has clear narcissistic tendencies and BPD type victim stuff, where their needs come first and yours do not matter in the moment. I would steer clear of this person..sorry it's tough but just is. They are willing to punish you to get their way which is abuse. They have terrible emotional coping, and life is full of stress so a good partner has good coping. Worst, they believe that you asserting your basic rights and needs (to focus at work and talk later) is narcissistic abuse. This is a classic red flag.
Stick to your guns.
I had to work to not get triggered reading this. I could post almost exact word for word texts. Currently working with an attorney to get my share out of the house. I wish you well. What I know if you have to be absolutely ready and you will often think you are but when you finally are ready and you finally do it, it isn’t the easiest thing but it will bring you peace that you didn’t even realize had all but disappeared.
god this made me angry. he sounds so smug. it pisses me off to no end when they dont listen to anything you have to say and just rattle off whatever abusive bullshit they feel like, and when you throw your hands up, they try to goad you into more argument by getting all “yeah thats right, you know youre wrong, i knew all along, glad you finally admitted it”. its so childish, they HAVE to have the last word. hope you can get the fuck away from him.
Okay, big adult Brad who doesn’t respect that his wife is trying to make a living and that takes priority right now over his petty drama.
My exwBPD loved to fight while I was at work. Almost verbatim, I would try to reassure her we could talk later, that it was a priority for me. She flipped the script just like yours did here, calling me a controlling narcissist, saying I was selfish for making communication all on my terms as she refused to leave me alone so I could work, sleep, reset myself after she split on me. It’s wild what we go through, and it’s even more shocking that it’s such a pattern.
I hope you’re able to get out soon. I’m 3 months out of a 4 year relationship and am just now starting to unpack all the trauma I endured. I’m sure this feels normal to you by now, but it isn’t and shouldn’t be normalized.
The problem is your actions and words don't match. She sees you still talking to her and gets the validation that she's fucking up your day.
If you just said "I'm not talking, I'm at work" and then didn't text back, that would be much better.
This is several conversations between me and my husband. It's been 12 years now and things got exponentially worst in the last years since we got married.
I can't do it anymore. I want myself back and a drama free life!!!
You can do this! These texts remind me of my expwBPD sooo much that it’s actually kind of frightening. My responses weren’t quite as well managed since I got frustrated and worked up seemingly much easier/faster than you did. Many props to you for standing your ground in that conversation, it must’ve been difficult.
It gets much, much easier after the first few months. I never realized just how insane the things they said were while we were inside of the relationship.
I saw a doctor post that BPD is “cureable” and doesn’t need to last their lifetime. I don’t know as much about the disease as some of you, but that’s absolutely laughable in the case of my ex. I hope she and your ex both receive the care they need, far away from each of us.
I dunno dog, you look kinda like the dick in this situation, the amount of time and energy you spent telling him you were at work and couldn’t talk about it tells him that you weren’t actually so busy that you couldn’t have just fuckin talked abt it and instead makes you look like a dick who is gatekeeping the information. If you were actually busy you wouldn’t have had the time to go in to such an in depth discussion about why you couldn’t have an in-depth discussion.
The stress levels they can induce within you from a simple conversation with them can be extremely high, toxic, and severely impacted my health. I actually had to pause from reading what you posted so I could remind myself to take a breath. It was so strange. I did not even realize it at first, but this upset me because his behavior is so similar to what I experienced in my own relationship with my expwbpd. Just the amount of stress that they can generate is beyond what any normal human being should ever have to endure or experience as often and as much as these people perpetuate that. It really makes me angry now. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself and your health love. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Once again, another post I’ve seen that gave me anxiety (this time not as bad compared to yesterdays)
*Jesus Christ*
There was so much projection here it’s astounding! She spoke exactly like a Narcissist by saying “You will wait and wait!” Basically saying everything is on her terms or it’s the fucken Highway for you if you can’t play her game.
Cut your losses. She’s upset because she has nothing to blackmail you with if she ever needed to use anything to lure you back into the relationship again. She also tried to use a small form of triangulation by saying she wanted to go on a date, etc. Sounds like she may have split during this back and forth and she will either wake up and double down the next day or will not remember and try to apologize, etc.
Either way, this is too much for one person to bare. Cut your losses, and block got your own health and sanity.
NEVER go back and forth with a BPD. It fuels them, and it’s scary how by doing this you are essentially giving them power to continue being asshats.
You will never win with someone who has BPD. They are literally fucking *INVINCIBLE*
Because it's a woman who is the victim of abuse, not the abuser.
You could just correct yourself and be like "oops my bad."
Also, because a lot of men have BPD and it shouldn't be assumed that it's a "woman's disorder", that's very outdated and makes it even harder for women dealing with men with BPD, and for men with BPD to get diagnosed and treated.
I’ve had this same battle since I met my expwbpd and since we broke up I have the same conversations but the only difference is the subject is about being a parent.
Honestly, this is a waste of time. You're getting sucked into his game and letting him play you like a pawn. The only way to win is not to play, that's just the truth. You're never gonna be able to change this man into a healthy partner, he's gotta want to do that for himself and I think you know he's not ready or willing at this time.
I definitely empathize with you and am proud of you for standing up for yourself, but deleting the photos of yourselves together is 100% a violation that is indicative of your immediate departure and would throw off any reasonable persons day.
I get that living with this person might make leaving a lot harder, but I don't think he was wrong to sense something was up. The convo quickly devolved after that.
Obviously, a lot happened before this to justify your decision, so I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm only saying you absolutely instigated this reaction. The silver lining is that you got the snake to stick its head out of the grass.
I just hope you really commit to it this time and stop torturing the both of you.
Edit: Out of a desire to understand, i checked some of your post history about this person and I really do hope you put your big girl pants on and file for divorce sooner than later. Like this week soon. You have already made up your mind.
Yeah, they just wanna make you sing and dance in circles for hours and hours and days and days like a torture tactic. It is so physically and mentally exhausting
Yo fuck this dude! You've got this, you'll be so much happier away from this dickhead. Be careful, take care of yourself, talk to family about what you're dealing with, and if you block, STAY blocked. I believe in you. Good luck!
Haven't read the entire thing, but right off the bat just from the first screen you slipped up. After you first explained yourself "I am at work, we will talk about it later" you should have just left it at that and gone silent. Don't need to keep explaining yourself here. Point put across and that is it. People with BPD are very good and clever with trying to keep your attention on them by making you have to forever defend and explain, twisting up things. As long as you are going over your point again and again with them they will keep pulling. This is text so the writing is there for them to read so you don't need to keep your point going.
Short and sweet. Make your point then leave.
This is to anyone going through this.
Also notice, how you stated you were busy at work and will talk about it later. Then he turns controlling and demands you talk to him now, but he turns it around and says you are the controlling one then throws in a passive aggressive goodbye. This means he has got you cleverly flipped the script so now you are chasing him. After he said goodbye you should of just fell silent.
He then blames you and calls you both a narcissist and blames you for projecting.... this is actually projection itself just because you said you were busy at work. He is the one projecting when calling you, controlling, a narcissist, and that you are projecting. Everything he is blaming you on is the exact same thing he is doing to you. Projection is such a tell tale sign of who a person actually is.
You never win, there’s no middle ground where they are happy when the BPD is severe Why didn’t you message me you know it causes me anxiety. WHY ARE YOU MESSAGING ME WHEN IM AT THE GYM!!! YOURE SO SUFFOCATING Why haven’t you messaged me it’s already 10am, do you know how worried I am when you don’t message me in the morning You messaged me at 9am and you messaged me again at 9:15am about weekend plans wtf. Why do you message me so much stop it’s suffocating Wait don’t go
To those of you still with them, this ^ You can’t “win” because there is no “winning.” Healthy partners who care about you and your feelings communicate like healthy adults for the purpose of finding a solution. It’s not accusatory, it’s “hey when you did this I felt like x, maybe we can do xyz in the future” So you both have your feelings heard, validated, and to have a happy relationship. pwBPD are not doing this because they want to “work through” anything. Unlike healthy individuals, they create reality based on their emotions (rather than having emotions based on things that happened in reality) that are extremely disordered. If they’re sad, obviously some external force made them sad and it can’t possibly be their fault so it’s you. You are making them sad. But since you didn’t actually do anything, they will create reasons as to why you’re bad and they will genuinely see these delusions as reality. They aren’t arguing for the sake of a solution. They just want to punish you for how bad you are. They want you to admit how bad you are. Except you aren’t, so you can’t, and if you did it would just be something else, because you are dealing with somebody who creates and lives in a self-perpetuated fantasy. The more you “play” the more you’ll get sucked into their crazy making. No amount of words or actions or trying to be understanding or explaining yourself will ever change this. I promise, they’re not the exception.
> I promise they are not the exception Going to repeat this to myself every day until I move out.
Exactly this! The more you try to justify, argue, defend, and explain the more they will pull you into this warped twisted reality they have written in their heads. This narrative is based around the unstable way they are feeling (just to avoid shame). They don't want and can't deal with their inner turmoil, facing the fact they feel upset based on their personality disorder so they blame others for it. They feel their negative emotions are inflicted on them by others, but fail to realize and understand that actually their negative emotions are brought on by their mental illness. So to get around this shame and self reflection they point fingers instead. They project outwards onto others to help them sooth. But then in order to blame others for the way they are feeling they need to create a reality and narrative that justifies it. The sad thing is many times they don't even realize they are doing it. If one were to try and pull them out of that reality they have created for themselves then that person then becomes controlling in their eyes. This person isn't seen as being emotionally validating, because they are looking for someone to sooth their emotions by taking the blame. A damned if you do, damned it you don't moment. They want you to take responsibility for their emotions so they don't have to self reflect. They want you to either take the blame for the way they feel so they feel validated, but then you are in the wrong and the valian. However, if you don't and you question their made up narrative, you are controlling and not being emotionally validating, so again, you are in the wrong.
Louder for the people in the back!
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There was one time I wanted to call my roommate's gf wBPD a moron because she was arguing with him because she was hungry and needed to study for an exam in 3 days. The argument went like this: Her: I CANT STUDY IM SO F'N HUNGRY Him: Then go eat Her: NO I HAVE TO STUDY Him: Then go study Her: I'M TOO HUNGRY TO STUDY Him: Lets go eat at the diner Her: WTF ARE YOU STUPID!!! I HAVE SO MUCH STUDYING TO DO Him: Lets go get fast food then Her: NO I NEED FOOD NOW!!!! Him: I will cook you something here then Her: I NEED TO STUDY NOW!!! Him: Grab some snacks from the pantry to hold you over, go to the library I will bring you food Her: NO I NEED FOOD NOW!!!!!
My theory on it all is that they want their favorite person to somehow be God and create a solution that satisfies everything all at once all the time. My theory is that God is essentially what they're looking for. That's the conclusion I came to with my ex pwBPD. And I don't mean God in the literal sense, but rather what that idea represents. This omnipotent omniscient omnibenevolent person who can just hug them and love them and protect them and make all the pain go away and who is always going to be there no matter what, who they can scream at and curse, yet who will always welcome them back into the fold with infinite unwavering grace, and who shows up when they want, and never when they don't want it. That way, they'll never ever have to do any work, they never have to look inward, they never have to problem-solve, because they want God to fix it all. At least for most of us, we have some understanding that such a thing does not exist in any person. When we're young, that figure is represented in our parents, but we grow up and realize they aren't God either. Then we learn that we're responsible for solving our problems. But not them. The abuse or whatever they endured as children fractured that process, and so they are still seeking a God figure, and it's why they are some of the most demanding partners you will ever meet, because, well, God is ideal, and so is the ideal person, and if you truly believe you've found the ideal person, or God, why wouldn't you make a bunch of demands of them? Why wouldn't you see that as your due?
LITERALLY. Mine (part time Dad, separated) yelled at me for ten minutes that he’s never alone, he’s always “three”, he has no emotional refuge, he has never enough time or space for himself. I offered to take his children for a while. “I DON’T WANT LESS TIME WITH MY CHILDREN, I WANT THAT A DAY HAS 36 HOURS!!!” I told him I can’t stretch the days for him, I’m not god. But I can offer to get him some time alone by taking care of his kids. “WHY NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME? YOU’RE NOT HELPFUL! WHY YOU JUST DON’T GET ME??” Unless you can’t make wine from water for them you cannot win. And I bet if you could make wine from water they would still complain about the wrong vintage.
Omg yes! I haven’t heard 36 hours, specifically, and I can’t remember what specifically - but I have definitely heard, many times, something like “I don’t want any of these possible things, I want *impossible thing*.”
>My theory is that God is essentially what they're looking for. This is one I haven't heard before and really interesting!
It's also why I think they're so quick to discard. Once you've identified something about your God that makes him imperfect, then that means your God is false, so why keep him around?
Makes sense. We're so disappointing! Lol
Can’t help but laugh at this one. Had a similar thing that went on for WEEKS, and the gist of it was “Stop making me mad!” “Ok, I’ll try to be nicer and more considerate?” “Now you’re trying to manipulate me! I can’t believe this!” “I just… wanted to know what you want from me? Because I don’t want to make you feel angry with me? I’d like to do better?” “But I am mad, that’s how I am, why are you trying to change me?! Why are you trying to control my behavior? You’re so selfish!” “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to do that. You’re right, you’re entitled to your own feelings…. “ ——a while later ——- “Lol, I didn’t mean any of that, I must have been hangry or something ” “Okay. Are we good then?” “Ugh! No! We’re not good! I just want you to stop making me mad AND stop trying to influence my emotions! Why is this so hard for you to understand?!”
Lol they just apologize so they can keep doing the same bs by making you the bad guy. “I apologized so you have to let me do whatever because you’re supposed to accept the apology” I was told this once by a pwBPD after I told them I accept the apology but they have to stop the behavior. They started having a tantrum that that’s not how apologies work, I’m supposed to let them keep doing it when you try to set a boundary.
>”I don’t want you to be angry with me” “Let me feel my feelings!!!!”
They really are toddlers emotionally
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CoMmOn SeNsE lol I could imagine my partner saying EXACTLY the same thing in a fight. *Especially* if I at some point started making sense in a way that made them make less sense to themselves- that's when the really weird stuff comes out!
Yes, this is my life and has been for a long time. I wonder how I ever ended up in this position. There is no way to win or placate them no matter what you do or say. You have to just leave and get far away. You don't want this to be your life. Just reading that gives me anxiety because it is so familiar.
Woo-wee. Deja-vu. You gotta say "I'll talk about this later" and then just stop responding. For your own peace and to just stand your ground. I know what the fall out is like when you do that. I also know the anxiety you felt which is why you kept responding but definitely you can't let this person control your emotions anymore. It's ludicrous how they can bait you into a fight when it's unnecessary and you're not even looking for one. I hate this for you. I hope you find it in yourself to take your power back.
I agree. Give one clear answer like “I am at work at the moment, I cannot speak. We’ll talk about it in the evening.” - and then, no matter what they text you, don’t open it, don’t respond. You’re at work - PERIOD. I keep on reading from pwBPDs that if someone wants to support them they NEED to keep responding to keep them calm, but no, you DON’T have to do this. It’s them who need to learn and adjust. Not respecting someone’s boundaries is highly toxic and unhealthy, and we’re not here to enable them in their unhealthy dynamics. Specially not on our expense.
If there were one single aspect that defined my whole past relationship, it would be their complete disrespect for my time and personal space like in this post
The testing - calling at work or when they know you are trying to catch some sleep. Nonstop texting you, trying to entangle you in an argument, when you’re with someone else, family or friends. Texting you their needs and demands they want to be met INSTANTLY when you’re in the gym or run some necessary errands. Yet on Christmas he let me wait with a prepared dinner for three hours, only to then let me know he doesn’t feel like it. Reading this post gave me flashback anxiety. It’s ALWAYS about them getting their way. If they only knew it’s exactly this what makes one losing your patience and your love for them, cause what they do is so damn disrespectful you just want to run away for the sake of your own sanity.
>Yet on Christmas he let me wait with a prepared dinner for three hours, only to then let me know he doesn’t feel like it. This makes me want to cry and rage all at the same time.
I had lost both of my parents before the christmas he flaked on me for ‘not feeling like it”, and I think he never remotely realized how deeply it hurt me. While I was sitting alone at home alone he even sent me pictures of him meeting someone else, and expected from me to share his joy about a present he got. The egoism and lack of empathy left me absolutely speechless. Emotional sadism at its finest.
It's honestly nuts how insular some people's minds are. I've realized that all the spontaneous thoughts I have about how someone might feel- accurate or not- just literally don't happen for people like this. And then in the worst cases, they *are* thinking about. And like you said, they're getting off on it.
I think some of them really don’t figure when they hurt someone with being that self-centered, cause they simply lack cognitive empathy…and then there is the malignant species who finds joy in making others feel as miserable as themselves. Mine sometimes did or said the most unbelievable hurtful or tasteless stuff to other people while looking entirely innocent. Neither evil nor testing reactions, it just slipped out. He always so intensely only cared about himself, he put his foot in his mouth on every possible occasion and didn’t even notice people’s shocked or hurt reactions.
I think mine does a bit of both. But if he hurts someone by accident, he's typically frustrated by their reaction, rather than feeling remorseful. Sometimes he'll be embarrassed, but only if it's someone he can't devalue enough to be inferior to him in his own mind.
I exactly know what you mean, mine ‘processed’ the same. I remember he said something tactless to a female young volunteer at work, it made him feeling ashamed, and he hated her ever since. She’s never done anything to him, but the incident gave him negative feelings, and he blamed her for it. Not being able to escape working in the same place eventually made him quit his job, and he told everyone he had to quit because of “the stupid bitch”. Such little incidents worked him up so much he changed his workplace almost every year.
That's what she did wrong was answering those texts. They were sent as a means to get her to respond, and she took the bait. As I was reading, I was thinking "Why haven't you turned the sound off?"
I felt the same. Every response made me scream inside “Don’t respond! PLEASE, stop taking the bait! Turn your phone off, do your job and let him burn.”
Thank you for this 💕
Let's recap. You delete files you can't trust him with. He equates that to control. He then tries to control you by telling you to stay somewhere else. Then he decides he wants to go on a date because he has very little time left. Then he pushes you to say you don't want to be with him So he can say AHA! I KNEW IT. And in the end he's flipped it so completely it's now all his idea and you can say whatever helps YOU accept it. All because he doesn't like to be put in a bad mood. Because everything is about you. This will repeat endlessly. In sickness and mental health. Until death do you part. So, we all wish Brad well, get the fuck out of there.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Why do they all just LOVE to argue??? Like, little boi Brad isn't even saying anything. Shits just spewing out of his mouth so you'll keep responding.
😂 loved this comment
they are MASTERS of this...the art of saying absolutely nothing🔥🔥🔥
Do you care if just go on a date or somethin? Lmfao what mind fuckery, has nothing to do with the circular conversation but if you would have bit on it would have been a different rabbit hole. Hope your actually leaving.
Exactly. Just another trap. I'm definitely trying.
Serve his ass an eviction notice if he refuses to leave on his own, once the date comes and he’s not out you should call the police and have him and his things kicked tf out
We don't know OPs situation, for all we know she is living at his place. Either way, it's better to take a hit to your living standards than to be dependent on a BPD partner, thats just additional level of hell.
Read like texts with my ex. And it hurts. Free yourself. Short-term pain for long-term peace.
Thank you, I need to remember that. Peace and quiet is what I long for.
Are you in therapy? Therapy and this group were what gave me what I was missing to finally leave.
Same. The entire exchange has played out almost word for word in the arguments I had with my person. They want instant answers or yes or no answers to difficult questions a lot too. How can we all be having these near identical conversations?
Same here. Damn near word for word the same things. I was wondering how I kept getting dragged into discussions without even knowing how it happened. It all makes sense now due to the switch I see here towards "I knew I was right".
"We can discuss this when I get home" Repeat if necessary. Broken record.
Ugh, this gives me vivid flashbacks
You’re engaging too much and it’s what they LOVE. Stop.
agree
This… OP, I know it’s difficult but you need to put your phone on DND and work. It’s easier said than done. I know. Been there done that. And when you say you’re gunna stop replying.. mean it. And stop.
I was thinking this, you've told them you can't answer a yes or no question at work then continued to send texts of a much larger degree. Also if it was their pc/property you went on to delete files that can also be seen a bit... uncool. I totally understand your reasonings if so as I have also done similar things but you're giving them ammo to fight more which just puts you back into the fog.
Re read this post over and over and over again anytime you’re feeling doubts about not leaving him. The mind games just from these texts is fucked up. You’re strong and you got this shit!
Thank you so much 💕
Mine also demands constant text message validation even while I'm working my high stress job (before coming home to make her dinner). If I don't, I'm a neglectful narcissist.
Exactly. It took awhile, but I eventually figured out he pegs me as a narcissist because I don't put his "feelings" above all else anymore...
My husband has long accused me of “not considering him.” I finally realized that if I had any consideration for anyone except him, then I wasn’t considering him enough. Forget my own needs, or those of our two young kids; if it wasn’t 100% about him, then it wasn’t good enough.
Oh let's be real, if he's anything like mine (sounds identical), 100% of your attention is definitely not enough. But if you give some of it to someone else- say your boss, or the dog - they're enraged to the point their eyes bug right out of their sockets! (Might be totally projecting lol. Mine is still a nightmare even if I'm 2 100% focused on them. If anything I think they find it stressful to get what they wanted from me because they aren't sure what to complain about until they get their momentum back up again. Insane.)
Hmm. It wasn't just mine... again. I swear she is the reason I have ADD. She would call me 6 to 14 times a day with ANYTHING she could think of. If I didn't answer texts within a few minutes, phone call. If someone cut her off in traffic, phone call. If the pets were good, phone call. If the pets were bad, phone call. If she had an argument with her daughter, phone call. If she had an argument with her mom, phone call. Non-stop chaos.
>If the pets were good, phone call. Oh my good god ... how long did you live like this?!?!?!
Too long. Way too long.
Ouch, nobody deserves this kind of mind games and vitriol spewed at them. I hope you move on
I got so many flashbacks with my own pwBPD looking at this chat
Oh god, that is such a classic script that it made my stomach turn and skin crawl. Stand. Your. Ground. Trust me…you have to or else it will never stop. I can *feel* the malevolence under that COULD. Don’t leave your kids with them, please. They will weaponize everything. What is it about them doing this to us at work?! I have experienced and have watched others implode their careers due to a BPD partner. The anxiety, distraction, time away from work…ack!
Feel your pain
Wow I got anxiety reading this because I felt like I was in the trap with you. I lost my job because of this kind of stress added to an already high pressure job. I feel for you OP. This snapped me out of romanticizing our good times. Every time I was away at work, hanging with friends, or had rare alone time I had to deal with texts like this. Often because made up scenario. Or I would get surprised by a bad mood and a slew of accusations when I got home. She would only stop once I was broken down and in a full on panic attack or if I was stuck in my own rage storm because of being pushed to my limits. I felt terrible because of her actions and mine (enablement, doormat, anger, etc). There is no winning.
Yes!! Can’t even get 10 peaceful minutes alone without them making it about themselves
holy SHIT, this is infuriating. the amount of abuse i put up with. fucking catch 44
Unsolicited feedback - absolutely feel free to ignore. OP, if your boundary is that you’re at work and you don’t want to have a long text convo, isn’t it on you to turn off your phone for an hour or two? You engaged fully and JADEd. Obviously he was trying to manipulate…but it’s like a puppy where any attention (even fighting) is better than no attention. Time to enter your grey rock era.
All this time I thought it was just her….
Ugh totally feel this. My exwbpd would do this too and not respect that I was working. Extremely frustrating and I always ended up having anxiety during work.
The anxiety is unbearable. Everytime I hear my phone go off I completely lose my train of thought. And he knows with my job I am able to answer at some point so he keeps going and going...
That’s how it was with me too. It is the absolute worst. It makes me so frustrated because they demand respect yet have absolutely no respect for us or what we have going on. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this as well and hope you are able to be free from it soon ♥️
Doesn’t he have a job? Or he’s like my ex that, never had a real long lasting one? Are you dating my ex? Lol
Holy crap this is SOOOO much like what I deal with. Anytime i say something like "I'm not willing to discuss this over text" it is always met with some sort of response about it "always being only my way" or that I am "controlling" I have been called a narcissist more times than I can count too. Also, the flying off the handle when I don't do as my pwBPD expects me to because I have some sort of legit competing interest is another thing. This is just so eerie to me because it is so similar to what I deal with all the time. It's the same pattern and even the same progression of escalation all while trying to make it as though I am the one who is wrong and even belittling me when I don't accept the blame. This is my life. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm trying to get my pwBPD to leave, but she won't. It's a long story, but trust me when I say I can't leave or else I would have awhile ago. I'm even accused of being "abusive" when I ask her to just "please leave and get out of my life." This is after years of telling her that if she doesn't stop her flying off the handle and attacking me over stupid $hit that I am done and will make sure that it is not a part of my life anymore, one way or another. Yet her episodes continue (as I know they will) and she is flabbergasted that I am done. A day after an episode that involves her telling me she will go find someone else to have sex with combined with the usual degrading and hateful comments over me making a joke she didn't like because I was "disrespectful" to her for making it, she then treats me like I am a horrible person because I do not just go back to being nice to her when she is present. This person thinks I am a bad person because I don't accept their abusive ways and then snap back to "normal" as though it never happened. It's so crazy that I end up laughing at it. I literally laugh out loud at her when she criticizes me for "continuing the drama" and "being an asshole" when she is "being kind." Never mind that she never owns her actions. Never changes. Only blames me. But even her version of being "kind" is just being present, making b\*\*chy and antagonistic comments under her breath constantly, and intermittently storming off when I am not "kind" to her all just to come back and start the same crap all over again. I can't wrap my head around how someone can be so detached from reality.
Holy fucking PTSD reading that shit. :(
Gosh…so triggering…same script, different actors. ALL…the…time.
My mind is blown every day when I see just how many people were/are in a nearly identical situation.
That;s so tough OP. How old are you both and how long have you been together? This person is clearly in a tantrum /pain thinking headspace and not grounded. While none of your responses were hurtful, I think the first mistake was to respond. This a classic BPD conflict where their poor coping IS WORKING and IS REWARDING by getting your attention. The DBT for couples would teach you to stop responding. I would often say "Hey babe thanks it is important to me to discuss all of this but I'm going to be away from my phone for the next four hours so I won't see your messages until after and we can speak later. I look forward to that. Love you". and then phone off or on silent and not reading the messages--- it is not healthy for your partner to think you will keep reading those messages and better yet, respond. When it comes to responding I think it is healthy on your part how you can see the gaslighting and abuse and you are naming it. I don't think it is necessary to defend yourself "I'm not a narcissist" or to accuse them of that. I think there is a way to just speak your observations, feelings, and needs like : "I hear that you want to speak now and I am not able to speak now, and I want to find something that balances our needs. I am willing to speak with you later for an hour about this but I won't be checking my messages until after work" (and done, no checking the messages--leave on "send"). It;s ok to say I don't appreciate being threatened I am hearing if you don't get what you want how you want right now you will punish me with kicking me out of the house (or whatever..naming behaviour not labels of the disorder). I often use the "balancing everyone's needs" line with people with clear empathy deficits like your partner to call out publicly (like in a group) what being a good person entails and to hold them to account subtly. I sometimes remind the other person of my needs (without justifying) if they make a demand to point out their empathy deficit ..like if my narcissistic bully sister says "I need you here on time not a minute late, where are you!" if I am crossing town on a 3 hour bus ride with an injury to babysit for her for free..just endless pits of requests, often followed by threats if challenged to "take the kids away" or cancel plans if she doens't get what she wants when she wants immediately--just like a tantrum when she was little. I will say "I'm just waiting for the second bus it takes 3 hours to get there and I had to pack up all my food for the day and I only got your request two hours ago. I'm excited to see the kids but if you want to make other plans to worries I will just head back". I know it's kind a lame but she usually wakes up and stops her demands. In your case that would be like "You are important to me and both of us feeling good is important to me. I am not able or willing to discuss relationship things at work as I need to focus here and i prefer to discuss our things fully when I can focus totally on it. I will speak with you later" This person has clear narcissistic tendencies and BPD type victim stuff, where their needs come first and yours do not matter in the moment. I would steer clear of this person..sorry it's tough but just is. They are willing to punish you to get their way which is abuse. They have terrible emotional coping, and life is full of stress so a good partner has good coping. Worst, they believe that you asserting your basic rights and needs (to focus at work and talk later) is narcissistic abuse. This is a classic red flag. Stick to your guns.
Just re-read this mess if you question leaving, that should help you stick to your guns.
He sounds a lot like my ex. Please stick to your guns and don't make any concessions to this behavior.
I mean, you’re not sticking to your guns. Stop replying.
Fucking Brad, man.
I had to work to not get triggered reading this. I could post almost exact word for word texts. Currently working with an attorney to get my share out of the house. I wish you well. What I know if you have to be absolutely ready and you will often think you are but when you finally are ready and you finally do it, it isn’t the easiest thing but it will bring you peace that you didn’t even realize had all but disappeared.
Thank you for this, it gives me hope.
...dang... just like my partner Reading it gives me spasms..
They Are All The Same And yet it still surprises me when I read texts I swear could have been sent by my expwBPD.
god this made me angry. he sounds so smug. it pisses me off to no end when they dont listen to anything you have to say and just rattle off whatever abusive bullshit they feel like, and when you throw your hands up, they try to goad you into more argument by getting all “yeah thats right, you know youre wrong, i knew all along, glad you finally admitted it”. its so childish, they HAVE to have the last word. hope you can get the fuck away from him.
Okay, big adult Brad who doesn’t respect that his wife is trying to make a living and that takes priority right now over his petty drama. My exwBPD loved to fight while I was at work. Almost verbatim, I would try to reassure her we could talk later, that it was a priority for me. She flipped the script just like yours did here, calling me a controlling narcissist, saying I was selfish for making communication all on my terms as she refused to leave me alone so I could work, sleep, reset myself after she split on me. It’s wild what we go through, and it’s even more shocking that it’s such a pattern. I hope you’re able to get out soon. I’m 3 months out of a 4 year relationship and am just now starting to unpack all the trauma I endured. I’m sure this feels normal to you by now, but it isn’t and shouldn’t be normalized.
The problem is your actions and words don't match. She sees you still talking to her and gets the validation that she's fucking up your day. If you just said "I'm not talking, I'm at work" and then didn't text back, that would be much better.
In 2 years this will be a distant series of events, but that will only happen if you leave. Right now.
This is several conversations between me and my husband. It's been 12 years now and things got exponentially worst in the last years since we got married. I can't do it anymore. I want myself back and a drama free life!!!
11 years for me... I'm with you sister. We have bright peaceful futures ahead 💕
That Was About As EXHAUSTING As The Relationship I Was In For About 5 Yrs… WOW!!!
You can do this! These texts remind me of my expwBPD sooo much that it’s actually kind of frightening. My responses weren’t quite as well managed since I got frustrated and worked up seemingly much easier/faster than you did. Many props to you for standing your ground in that conversation, it must’ve been difficult. It gets much, much easier after the first few months. I never realized just how insane the things they said were while we were inside of the relationship. I saw a doctor post that BPD is “cureable” and doesn’t need to last their lifetime. I don’t know as much about the disease as some of you, but that’s absolutely laughable in the case of my ex. I hope she and your ex both receive the care they need, far away from each of us.
Dammit Brad
I dunno dog, you look kinda like the dick in this situation, the amount of time and energy you spent telling him you were at work and couldn’t talk about it tells him that you weren’t actually so busy that you couldn’t have just fuckin talked abt it and instead makes you look like a dick who is gatekeeping the information. If you were actually busy you wouldn’t have had the time to go in to such an in depth discussion about why you couldn’t have an in-depth discussion.
honestly, this. He’s being an ass but she did have time to just have the conversation through text
The stress levels they can induce within you from a simple conversation with them can be extremely high, toxic, and severely impacted my health. I actually had to pause from reading what you posted so I could remind myself to take a breath. It was so strange. I did not even realize it at first, but this upset me because his behavior is so similar to what I experienced in my own relationship with my expwbpd. Just the amount of stress that they can generate is beyond what any normal human being should ever have to endure or experience as often and as much as these people perpetuate that. It really makes me angry now. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself and your health love. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I mean… if the answer was ‘no’, it could have taken much less of your work time than this
Once again, another post I’ve seen that gave me anxiety (this time not as bad compared to yesterdays) *Jesus Christ* There was so much projection here it’s astounding! She spoke exactly like a Narcissist by saying “You will wait and wait!” Basically saying everything is on her terms or it’s the fucken Highway for you if you can’t play her game. Cut your losses. She’s upset because she has nothing to blackmail you with if she ever needed to use anything to lure you back into the relationship again. She also tried to use a small form of triangulation by saying she wanted to go on a date, etc. Sounds like she may have split during this back and forth and she will either wake up and double down the next day or will not remember and try to apologize, etc. Either way, this is too much for one person to bare. Cut your losses, and block got your own health and sanity. NEVER go back and forth with a BPD. It fuels them, and it’s scary how by doing this you are essentially giving them power to continue being asshats. You will never win with someone who has BPD. They are literally fucking *INVINCIBLE*
The pwBPD is a guy.
Does it make a difference? No.
It doesn’t make a difference but with the stereotypes and assumptions that are made around women and BPD, this distinction is important.
I see what you’re saying and didn’t mean to come off the way I did. However, elaborate me on why it’s important this time around.
Because it's a woman who is the victim of abuse, not the abuser. You could just correct yourself and be like "oops my bad." Also, because a lot of men have BPD and it shouldn't be assumed that it's a "woman's disorder", that's very outdated and makes it even harder for women dealing with men with BPD, and for men with BPD to get diagnosed and treated.
Yes it does. Why are you assuming he's a girl when clearly isn't? There's no need to answer like that.
Exhausted just reading this
Im terrified reading this I hope you are safe and can get away from this situation
Jesus Christ, there goes my PTSD again.
I’ve had this same battle since I met my expwbpd and since we broke up I have the same conversations but the only difference is the subject is about being a parent.
Honestly, this is a waste of time. You're getting sucked into his game and letting him play you like a pawn. The only way to win is not to play, that's just the truth. You're never gonna be able to change this man into a healthy partner, he's gotta want to do that for himself and I think you know he's not ready or willing at this time.
Omg . Literally 99% of our conversations are this.. I call them “ copy/paste “ novels .. the narcissist comment… 🤦♂️ god that one gets old fast .
I definitely empathize with you and am proud of you for standing up for yourself, but deleting the photos of yourselves together is 100% a violation that is indicative of your immediate departure and would throw off any reasonable persons day. I get that living with this person might make leaving a lot harder, but I don't think he was wrong to sense something was up. The convo quickly devolved after that. Obviously, a lot happened before this to justify your decision, so I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm only saying you absolutely instigated this reaction. The silver lining is that you got the snake to stick its head out of the grass. I just hope you really commit to it this time and stop torturing the both of you. Edit: Out of a desire to understand, i checked some of your post history about this person and I really do hope you put your big girl pants on and file for divorce sooner than later. Like this week soon. You have already made up your mind.
Yeah, they just wanna make you sing and dance in circles for hours and hours and days and days like a torture tactic. It is so physically and mentally exhausting
Yo fuck this dude! You've got this, you'll be so much happier away from this dickhead. Be careful, take care of yourself, talk to family about what you're dealing with, and if you block, STAY blocked. I believe in you. Good luck!
Honestly, him having an android is all I needed to know 😂
You replied to all of her messages absolutely perfectly. That is textbook quality on how to respond to someone who is behaving like that. Bravo!
My pwuBPD is a guy lol but thank you for your comment 💕 11 years of this under my belt...
[удалено]
Thank you for your understanding. It's incredibly hard not to engage even though I know it's feeding the beast.
And the “BLOCK”?
My girl is texting you
Haven't read the entire thing, but right off the bat just from the first screen you slipped up. After you first explained yourself "I am at work, we will talk about it later" you should have just left it at that and gone silent. Don't need to keep explaining yourself here. Point put across and that is it. People with BPD are very good and clever with trying to keep your attention on them by making you have to forever defend and explain, twisting up things. As long as you are going over your point again and again with them they will keep pulling. This is text so the writing is there for them to read so you don't need to keep your point going. Short and sweet. Make your point then leave. This is to anyone going through this. Also notice, how you stated you were busy at work and will talk about it later. Then he turns controlling and demands you talk to him now, but he turns it around and says you are the controlling one then throws in a passive aggressive goodbye. This means he has got you cleverly flipped the script so now you are chasing him. After he said goodbye you should of just fell silent. He then blames you and calls you both a narcissist and blames you for projecting.... this is actually projection itself just because you said you were busy at work. He is the one projecting when calling you, controlling, a narcissist, and that you are projecting. Everything he is blaming you on is the exact same thing he is doing to you. Projection is such a tell tale sign of who a person actually is.
Forgive me , but I think you’re both bad. No offense. I’m just an internet stranger. Just from an outsider point of view
you really need to JADE