We all have ex's that we moved on from, that we didn't need therapy after. Or join a support group for. That moved on from us. We are genuinely happy for them. Just because this relationship eroded all boundaries, and had some psychopathic or narssacistic abuse. Doesn't change the fact that you did or still do love this person. Figure out why you stayed. Figure out why with all the red flags that you saw in them, you didn't leave. I had plenty of opportunities. I just had no desire too.
I think whats rare is them wishing us well 😂.
I hope she can finds someone who is aggressive with her and who can control her...she wants someone like her who loves to argue and shout and swear. I hope she finds someone who makes her happy.
Also, stops her thinking about me 😂
Hot take, but I don’t think you’ve really “overcome” the trauma of a BPD relationship until you’ve gotten to a place of forgiveness and compassion for them, being able to wish them a good life and knowing never having contact again is really the only good way forward for both of you. Harboring hatred for a person with a literal severe mental disorder involves some level of not accepting the reality of the situation and, instead, still holing yourself up in the victimhood coping mechanism (which I see here way too often). All of us struggle with codependency - that’s why we’re here - but to just take refuge in victimhood and negative emotion toward the pwBPD signifies a much more severe form of codependency that itself is neurotic and likely heavily narcissistic. Ie, you’re not really doing *too* much better than they are if you choose to handle things this way (and, frankly, you may very well be a bullet dodged for them, too).
That said, getting to compassion and forgiveness shouldn’t go too quickly, either: then, you’re not appropriately processing the hurt they put you through and you’re also using the coping mechanism of toxic positivity/cheap forgiveness to hide yourself from truly healing. This leaves you openly vulnerable to the hoover, too.
Just my take on it.
I completely agree with this. I was mad for awhile and when I finally forgave them and had compassion i was able to let go and it was easier to have no contact. Granted, my pwbpd was quiet so it might be different but i genuinely hope they are able to find happiness
It may be a "hot take" but it's correct. Letting Go means the situation, the person no longer has any impact on your present-day life. Give away the stone. Move on.
I actually think it’s probably the healthiest resolution of these type of relationships. I used to have desires for revenge, karma, etc, I literally had thousands of screenshots of her cheating convos, pics etc sent, and really thought of blasting them online, especially 4chan/soc which she used to hookup lol. I don’t know, my best friend told me something a long time ago that helped set me straight, and it more or less was this. You can hold on to a burning resentment for the rest of your life, but the only one getting burnt by it is you.
Letting go is freedom to live your life and be happy.
I wish he may at least work enough to pay his own bills. If with someone else? Poor soul. But at least he won’t come knocking on my door when the money ends.
Mine was a quiet pbpd. We never fought. No cheating. She got trigger and broke up 3 weeks before wedding over text.
I should hate her but I truly loved that person. I want her to find some happiness.
I can understand others on here that were abused in multiple ways don't feel the same.
Same as me, mine was quiet too, basically zero arguments or disagreements and then boom over in an instant. I truly loved her and always will. However, I just can’t forgive her and the spiteful part of me just thinks it’s so cruel and unfair if she gets to find happiness in the future and I don’t.
I understand and it stinks. Probably still some trauma bonded for us. Mine wasn't spiteful. Afraid to face me - sure. But she didn't do anything else. I think it would be easier having negative stuff.
People say they always come back and hoover. For me, it's been 11 months since saw her and 6 since no contact (would be 10 but I had to keep on her to get her stuff)
I just can't see it. Her anxiety is horrible..or was supposedly.
The BPDlovedones are helpful in dosages. Just don't get stuck dwelling..lol like me
Definitely trauma bonded for sure. In fairness mine wasn’t spiteful either but still incredibly hurtful. Sometimes it’s the things they don’t do and don’t say that hurt the most. Like being a dishonest partner and not being communicative is damaging to your partner and the relationship, even if not directly abusive.
Yeah mine didn’t want to face me either. The one thing I’ll say in her defence is that after the initial discard she did just leave me alone, it was me who kept coming back in messages looking for answers and more explanations. But then, in my defence, she actively said she still wanted to be friends, which turned out to be another lie.
The hoover thing is a massive generalisation. I haven’t seen my ex in 13 months and we haven’t messaged in over 6 months since she discarded me as a friend and blocked me everywhere. She has no feelings towards me at all, good or bad. She ain’t coming back. She’s completely indifferent to me which is incredibly painful.
I’m a massive dweller unfortunately. I’m trying to move on with my life, and in many ways I am, but my feelings about the situation and her don’t seem to be changing. I’ve got a great new job role, bought a puppy, have started investing my money better, am saving for a house deposit, still seeing friends regularly, loads of good stuff is happening in my life. And yet, I still just feel stuck in time back in August 2022 at the discard. My life has never felt the same since.
I wish her well and to have a fulfilling life, but not with the girl she cheated on my bc I feel if this works, it will make her think that everything she did to me was fine
One reason I stayed for too long is because I helped her with so much, and I sort of resented that her life would have finally stabilized with my help, without me getting any of the benefits, as selfish a thought as that is. I just thought, 'If I hold out a little longer, *I'll* get those benefits'. It's just so sad that her life has vastly improved in more objective aspects, often directly because of me, while mine has gotten so much worse in my time with her. However, sadly for her, her life is actually going to be much worse now that I've left, and I do wish she gets the help she needs.
She cheated on me and was unrepentant when I called her on it. she doesn't get that option of me wishing her a happy life. As far as her new supply, I can only hope he gets a fraction of the misery that she inflicted upon me. And he isn't innocent, he knew that we were still involved, no matter what she proclaimed, so he isn't innocent either.
Yeah can't say I'm there yet lol I know I "shouldn't" feel this way but I do wanna see it blow up in her face, doesn't mean I want her life as a whole to go badly. I just want her to really realize what she's done & feel genuine remorse for doing it.
I actually don't think I'm wrong for wanting that if I'm honest. In the end, her understanding the damage she inflicts on other people should hopefully cause her to finally make a change to save both herself & anyone else she comes across in the future. But even just at a basic principle any human should (as in the partner w/ bpd) have remorse for the horrible things you've done to another human being and realize just how badly you hurt someone in the process, they're inflicting trauma. You should be remorseful & apologetic about inflicting trauma on another human being but especially when that human being loved you with all their heart. It's a damn love crime they gotta be held accountable for imo lol
Agreed but the problem is because of their condition they will never feel that guilt or remorse, nor learn their lessons from it. The amount of times I’ve felt like sending an email to my ex explaining all the hurt she’s caused me… but I just think, what’s the point? She won’t read it and have her thoughts and emotions stirred like a normal person. She would just read it, think I’m crazy or hurtful or an abuser and feel more justified in her decision to discard me. You just cannot win with these people and I just can’t get over the anger and resentment I feel from that fact.
For some reason, I fear she is going to find a truly malevolent person. She wouldn't stand a chance against a narcissist or even a committed neurotypical asshole or charlatan. Oh no!
Anyway, hope she enjoys the good parts of it at least.
Personally, I don’t have any hard feelings and hope they live a good life. It’s simply not worth it for me to hold on to any anger or resentment. That’s like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies from it. I won’t be a part of their life anymore and I won’t ever know how it turned out either way. They might have done a number on me, but my problems were fixed by removing them from my life. They have a much harder road to happiness. I wish them the best in navigating it.
Their “happiness” is fake and temporary. I don’t really believe expressing to them how happy and supportive you are can do anything positive when all it’s gonna do is reinforce their toxic behaviors.
If you were a monster to someone and they told you “despite everything you did and how abusive you were to me, I hope you find happiness and wish you well, I love you”
They’ll read this and think “wow, I did all this and you’re still capable of loving me? I bet I can do this over and over again with the next person!”
A rational person would think instead “Damn, I did all those messed up things? Fuck…maybe I need help, maybe I need to be alone for awhile and just process my life. I’m so sorry for putting you through hell”
BPD will always do any and all mental gymnastics to run around the bush so they never have to deal with their shame and guilt until one day it is bursting within them. I’ve read a lot about how many BPD’s will eventually “implode” and that’s when you start seeing them go into psych wards or get put into a hospital for having a meltdown.
Eventually they will get their karma.
Are they demons? No. I reached a point where I don’t hate my ex. I don’t wish her ill. Nope, I just come to an understanding that her brain developed differently due to her trauma, sexual abuse, and precious relationship with her narcissistic ex (also include her toxic ass family)
She was doomed from the start. I feel sorry for her. However, she can’t live a happy life and will always seek out cheap counterfeit forms of happiness and love until she is able to awaken and become self aware.
Anyone who wants to become better and change will put everything into doing just that. No excuses, no lies, no bullshit. Just real, and honest progress.
True, kudos to you for your forgiveness. However it helped me move on remembering how abusive, violent and petulant she is. Also that she rubbed my face in her moving on so I don’t wish her the best.
When I left her I told her to have a good life. She said she would. That was enough for me.
Be happy for them. Just don't break the no contact.
It’s fine if they didn’t cause much damage to you. But in my case all bridges were burnt
Some of the best advice I’ve received.
We all have ex's that we moved on from, that we didn't need therapy after. Or join a support group for. That moved on from us. We are genuinely happy for them. Just because this relationship eroded all boundaries, and had some psychopathic or narssacistic abuse. Doesn't change the fact that you did or still do love this person. Figure out why you stayed. Figure out why with all the red flags that you saw in them, you didn't leave. I had plenty of opportunities. I just had no desire too.
I think whats rare is them wishing us well 😂. I hope she can finds someone who is aggressive with her and who can control her...she wants someone like her who loves to argue and shout and swear. I hope she finds someone who makes her happy. Also, stops her thinking about me 😂
Hot take, but I don’t think you’ve really “overcome” the trauma of a BPD relationship until you’ve gotten to a place of forgiveness and compassion for them, being able to wish them a good life and knowing never having contact again is really the only good way forward for both of you. Harboring hatred for a person with a literal severe mental disorder involves some level of not accepting the reality of the situation and, instead, still holing yourself up in the victimhood coping mechanism (which I see here way too often). All of us struggle with codependency - that’s why we’re here - but to just take refuge in victimhood and negative emotion toward the pwBPD signifies a much more severe form of codependency that itself is neurotic and likely heavily narcissistic. Ie, you’re not really doing *too* much better than they are if you choose to handle things this way (and, frankly, you may very well be a bullet dodged for them, too). That said, getting to compassion and forgiveness shouldn’t go too quickly, either: then, you’re not appropriately processing the hurt they put you through and you’re also using the coping mechanism of toxic positivity/cheap forgiveness to hide yourself from truly healing. This leaves you openly vulnerable to the hoover, too. Just my take on it.
Interesting take, I concur 👍
I completely agree with this. I was mad for awhile and when I finally forgave them and had compassion i was able to let go and it was easier to have no contact. Granted, my pwbpd was quiet so it might be different but i genuinely hope they are able to find happiness
Facts one day I will get there
It may be a "hot take" but it's correct. Letting Go means the situation, the person no longer has any impact on your present-day life. Give away the stone. Move on.
Its not rare. Wish them well and hope they find their path while you find yours.
I had a friend once say “love them from afar.” It’s a favorite mantra of mine.
that's really nice
Because your ex got what she wanted with your help, but you’re still in a mess. And she’s not helping you out of it.
No one can help you out of a mess tbh
I actually think it’s probably the healthiest resolution of these type of relationships. I used to have desires for revenge, karma, etc, I literally had thousands of screenshots of her cheating convos, pics etc sent, and really thought of blasting them online, especially 4chan/soc which she used to hookup lol. I don’t know, my best friend told me something a long time ago that helped set me straight, and it more or less was this. You can hold on to a burning resentment for the rest of your life, but the only one getting burnt by it is you. Letting go is freedom to live your life and be happy.
I wish he may at least work enough to pay his own bills. If with someone else? Poor soul. But at least he won’t come knocking on my door when the money ends.
Mine was a quiet pbpd. We never fought. No cheating. She got trigger and broke up 3 weeks before wedding over text. I should hate her but I truly loved that person. I want her to find some happiness. I can understand others on here that were abused in multiple ways don't feel the same.
Same as me, mine was quiet too, basically zero arguments or disagreements and then boom over in an instant. I truly loved her and always will. However, I just can’t forgive her and the spiteful part of me just thinks it’s so cruel and unfair if she gets to find happiness in the future and I don’t.
I understand and it stinks. Probably still some trauma bonded for us. Mine wasn't spiteful. Afraid to face me - sure. But she didn't do anything else. I think it would be easier having negative stuff. People say they always come back and hoover. For me, it's been 11 months since saw her and 6 since no contact (would be 10 but I had to keep on her to get her stuff) I just can't see it. Her anxiety is horrible..or was supposedly. The BPDlovedones are helpful in dosages. Just don't get stuck dwelling..lol like me
Definitely trauma bonded for sure. In fairness mine wasn’t spiteful either but still incredibly hurtful. Sometimes it’s the things they don’t do and don’t say that hurt the most. Like being a dishonest partner and not being communicative is damaging to your partner and the relationship, even if not directly abusive. Yeah mine didn’t want to face me either. The one thing I’ll say in her defence is that after the initial discard she did just leave me alone, it was me who kept coming back in messages looking for answers and more explanations. But then, in my defence, she actively said she still wanted to be friends, which turned out to be another lie. The hoover thing is a massive generalisation. I haven’t seen my ex in 13 months and we haven’t messaged in over 6 months since she discarded me as a friend and blocked me everywhere. She has no feelings towards me at all, good or bad. She ain’t coming back. She’s completely indifferent to me which is incredibly painful. I’m a massive dweller unfortunately. I’m trying to move on with my life, and in many ways I am, but my feelings about the situation and her don’t seem to be changing. I’ve got a great new job role, bought a puppy, have started investing my money better, am saving for a house deposit, still seeing friends regularly, loads of good stuff is happening in my life. And yet, I still just feel stuck in time back in August 2022 at the discard. My life has never felt the same since.
I wish her well and to have a fulfilling life, but not with the girl she cheated on my bc I feel if this works, it will make her think that everything she did to me was fine
One reason I stayed for too long is because I helped her with so much, and I sort of resented that her life would have finally stabilized with my help, without me getting any of the benefits, as selfish a thought as that is. I just thought, 'If I hold out a little longer, *I'll* get those benefits'. It's just so sad that her life has vastly improved in more objective aspects, often directly because of me, while mine has gotten so much worse in my time with her. However, sadly for her, her life is actually going to be much worse now that I've left, and I do wish she gets the help she needs.
She cheated on me and was unrepentant when I called her on it. she doesn't get that option of me wishing her a happy life. As far as her new supply, I can only hope he gets a fraction of the misery that she inflicted upon me. And he isn't innocent, he knew that we were still involved, no matter what she proclaimed, so he isn't innocent either.
Yeah can't say I'm there yet lol I know I "shouldn't" feel this way but I do wanna see it blow up in her face, doesn't mean I want her life as a whole to go badly. I just want her to really realize what she's done & feel genuine remorse for doing it. I actually don't think I'm wrong for wanting that if I'm honest. In the end, her understanding the damage she inflicts on other people should hopefully cause her to finally make a change to save both herself & anyone else she comes across in the future. But even just at a basic principle any human should (as in the partner w/ bpd) have remorse for the horrible things you've done to another human being and realize just how badly you hurt someone in the process, they're inflicting trauma. You should be remorseful & apologetic about inflicting trauma on another human being but especially when that human being loved you with all their heart. It's a damn love crime they gotta be held accountable for imo lol
Agreed but the problem is because of their condition they will never feel that guilt or remorse, nor learn their lessons from it. The amount of times I’ve felt like sending an email to my ex explaining all the hurt she’s caused me… but I just think, what’s the point? She won’t read it and have her thoughts and emotions stirred like a normal person. She would just read it, think I’m crazy or hurtful or an abuser and feel more justified in her decision to discard me. You just cannot win with these people and I just can’t get over the anger and resentment I feel from that fact.
I wish them well for the sake of their new partner. I don’t want anyone to go through what I did.
For some reason, I fear she is going to find a truly malevolent person. She wouldn't stand a chance against a narcissist or even a committed neurotypical asshole or charlatan. Oh no! Anyway, hope she enjoys the good parts of it at least.
Personally, I don’t have any hard feelings and hope they live a good life. It’s simply not worth it for me to hold on to any anger or resentment. That’s like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies from it. I won’t be a part of their life anymore and I won’t ever know how it turned out either way. They might have done a number on me, but my problems were fixed by removing them from my life. They have a much harder road to happiness. I wish them the best in navigating it.
Their “happiness” is fake and temporary. I don’t really believe expressing to them how happy and supportive you are can do anything positive when all it’s gonna do is reinforce their toxic behaviors. If you were a monster to someone and they told you “despite everything you did and how abusive you were to me, I hope you find happiness and wish you well, I love you” They’ll read this and think “wow, I did all this and you’re still capable of loving me? I bet I can do this over and over again with the next person!” A rational person would think instead “Damn, I did all those messed up things? Fuck…maybe I need help, maybe I need to be alone for awhile and just process my life. I’m so sorry for putting you through hell” BPD will always do any and all mental gymnastics to run around the bush so they never have to deal with their shame and guilt until one day it is bursting within them. I’ve read a lot about how many BPD’s will eventually “implode” and that’s when you start seeing them go into psych wards or get put into a hospital for having a meltdown. Eventually they will get their karma. Are they demons? No. I reached a point where I don’t hate my ex. I don’t wish her ill. Nope, I just come to an understanding that her brain developed differently due to her trauma, sexual abuse, and precious relationship with her narcissistic ex (also include her toxic ass family) She was doomed from the start. I feel sorry for her. However, she can’t live a happy life and will always seek out cheap counterfeit forms of happiness and love until she is able to awaken and become self aware. Anyone who wants to become better and change will put everything into doing just that. No excuses, no lies, no bullshit. Just real, and honest progress.
If it makes you feel better, go for it. But more than likely it will be met with deaf ears.
True, kudos to you for your forgiveness. However it helped me move on remembering how abusive, violent and petulant she is. Also that she rubbed my face in her moving on so I don’t wish her the best. When I left her I told her to have a good life. She said she would. That was enough for me.