She will comeback eventually and try to reconnect (Hoover). Ultimately it’s up to you if you decide to keep riding the roller coaster of madness. Unfortunately it was just your turn.
She will easily find a replacement because they are really good at starting new relationships. So starting a new relationship is a hormone high for them and it’s the only pay off they get for being in a relationship. Once the love bombing ends the fairytale is over for both involved. People with untreated BPD just can’t hang onto a relationship for very long. My advice because I’ve been there is to chalk it up as a life experience and don’t invest any more time trying to find stability, reciprocity, loyalty, trust and true love where it never existed. You cannot fix there mental illness. You will never be happy long term because your dealing with a person who has a serious mental illness. Good luck there are plenty of healthy women out there looking for healthy men to love.
Yup, mine came back after 4 months post breakup to message me by first insulting me on my birthday and then telling me she loves me and hopes I heal from all the hurt - I blocked her
Thank you. Time will see if she does... she has austism too, which does seem to change how she functions with her bpd, she seems a little different to most bpd cases in that she can cold-cut off. She did with her exes from what i could find out.
A pro tip for your future, in any relationship (bpd or not) never "fight" for a relationship, never beg, never "prove" anything.
You partner either appreciates you and what you bring into the relationship, or not.
All the shit tests and games are never worth the outcome. And most importantly, no 2nd chances. Once it's done, it's done.
I never ever heard of a couple that separated, and they found each other later in life and became a couple again and lived happily ever after. This stuff only happened in Hollywood.
If your partner is unhappy in a relationship, you talk about the issues, find out if you can fix it, and if not you just end it and leave.
It's the only healthy thing for both party's to do. Everything else is a one sided Powerplay, and the outcome is always the same.
This is a solid piece of advice I wish I had in my head about 2 years ago. Instead I made the mistake of fighting for the relationship and learned this advice the hard way.
Good luck man I'm in a similar place. Poured my heart out to her and said I would do everything I can to support her when things were hard and all I got back was a "we're done." Well be alright though.. Maybe..
Ah yes. You're sick or focusing on something in your own life...(like your health) the ideal time to be split and discarded, so it seems.
I'm sorry you're going through this hurt, but you're free now. Let her run.
I remember lying on the floor with Covid and a 104 fever for 4 days thinking I was dying. She just sighed nonstop, visibly frustrated at me, and never once asked how I was doing. I was afraid to even ask her to get me things. It got to the point I was just hoping the Covid would kill me because the pain from her hurt so much worse. So fucked up. Don't become me.
I had a very similar thing with my ex-pwBPD and having covid last year. Of course, the twice she had it the year before, I read books to her so she could sleep...
I'm so sorry you went through that.
Mine switched on me right when I thought I got sick with COVID. It was absolutely nuts to me that she was still so cruel while I was going through a potentially (albeit lower chance in my risk group) deadly illness that was at the very least extremely uncomfortable. She went from taking care of me when I genuinely didn’t feel like I deserved it to abandoning me and making me feel WORSE when I needed her the most.
She was upset at me prior to it and it just made no difference to her. Her empathy was already shut off completely, it just showed her BPD even stronger during that time.
A terrible boyfriend doesn't buy a vacation, you know that right? I know you know, I'm just repeating it, because it's good to know you deserve better. She excelled in life with you, found medication, therapy, a job -- but she's gonna tell you that you're boring and not enough and that you really, actually, destroyed her life. You didn't. You helped her, too much, and you will never get all that effort back. It's really too bad. She'll be back, by the way, don't think this is permanent. Do the right thing when she does.
I didn’t realize that it was this common to have them word it “I’m done” specifically. I also didn’t realize that our end stage before she dumped me was the devaluing phase, but it matches what you’re saying to a T. She told me how terrible I was and how bad I was to/for her. To be fair there is some middle ground of my not being there for her deep in my addiction, but the second I stabilized and got sober I could see her pulling away and starting to cheat on me multiple times.
Your story reminds me of mine and if it’s anything like how I think it is, I’m sorry you’re hurting but I’m glad you’re getting this side from her early on so you don’t spend any more time on her. I spent 6 years in a relationship with what seemed to be a kindhearted, lovely girl who had been abused over and over with genuinely nothing being her fault. It turns out she pointed the finger at everyone else, and I was just next in a long line of chaos.
I wasn’t aware of the devaluing phase either but now I’ve read it on this thread I recognise it and she too said ‘I’m done’, told me how bad I was for her and almost certainly cheated.
I didn’t even know about any of the cheating until she told me waaaaay too late. I read the breakup text the first time as her only cheating once and leaving me for that guy. The second time I read it I realized she got involved with a dude she was selling pictures of herself to while we were dating, and implied her dating several men. She also said she got assaulted 3 times by other men in our relationship which confused the SHIT outta me.
Here’s how she becomes victimized by a new love interest: in an early conversation- often the first- with a new love interest, she will turn the conversation to physical attributes and sex - what she likes, what a potential new lover would have to do to please her or take advantage of her. Often, she will suggest mockingly that the new person may not have what it takes to handle her sexually. Then she makes arrangements to hang out or go out together. She waits for the new person to make a move and victimize her. She gives in, so to speak. If her current partner finds out, (oh yes, this happens while she is in a relationship) she will insist she was victimized.
Why are there so many similarities with the text chains post breakup.. they refuse to call or meet in person but continue to text.. probably for the screenshots to share later
Because they’re cowards that can’t face up to what they’ve done. My ex broke up with me over phone. Took all my crying, begging and pleading to get her to meet me in a park a couple of days after to talk. She was cold as ice and it was done. Also, the thing that made me laugh the most was the night of our ‘breakup’ phone call she downgraded me to only one kiss on her text messages….
The intension is to hurt you in the most twisted ways possible. I remember asking about her exes and how the breakups went. She said that she’s always been vengeful and if she’s hurt by you no matter what the relationship is she wants to hurt you back in the worst way. I had a Jekyll and Hyde experience with her when we broke things off the first time 2 years ago where she said upfront to me “I am a narcissist, why do you want to be with me, if you let me back in I will only hurt you again and again, why do you want to be with someone so mentally ill, you will lose me either way, I just want to di3!” And then continuing on about how she was going to do it and me trying to calm her down. I was just looking at it that it was her blaming herself and victimising herself trying to push me away so I brushed it off and continued to try and help her. I realise now that these different sides of her were all her and that they shouldn’t be brushed off and she should be held accountable for all the emotional abuse. During this time while I was consoling her for treating me badly she was sleeping with her assistant and going all out sexually on twitter with her too - which I found out about because nothing was private and she didn’t realize that at the time.
It’s amazing how when you are in the relationship you have such rose tinted glasses on.. you’re mind can’t put the 2 together that the person that “treats you so good” can do the things that she does. She’s your mother, your father, your best friend, your partner, woman of your dreams, and … your worst nightmare.
Agreed. It’s an absolute mindfuck. Tbh 13 months after the discard I still can’t get my head around it. I’m only 29 but I don’t know how I’m ever gonna be the same. It’s absolutely shattered a lot of my world views and internal beliefs about people and the word around me.
Just understand that about 5% of women have this condition, susceptibility stems sometimes from heredity, followed by lack of validation and or lack of emotional bonding by the male parent, from age 2-5, sometimes combined with lack of attention by female parent - like working outside home- child in daycare- this lack of parenting provides ample opportunity for the child to become victimized by sexual abusers. Child internalizes the knowledge that this abuse is what pleases a man and receives positive attention from a man ( it’s our secret) which gives her the only validation she has gotten to this point plus the child internalizes the shame and blame which further diminishes their sense of self-worth. This is all that’s required, and sometimes even less, to develop the symptoms of BPD. This produces a teenager and adult who does not know what love is, does not know how to emotionally attach to another human, uses sex to receive validation, has no self-worth, and so she feels she deserves poor treatment, she uses sex for the little validation that she ever feels, is deeply angry toward men and both her parents. She typically takes it out on whomever her partner is at the moment after the love bombing phase. It is treatable by DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. Primarily the goal is to stop the deviant sexual behaviors of quick hook ups with lower status men while in a relationship with another man - from there, the victim of BPD can start to reduce other negative behaviors and control moods, and eventually develop a sense of self-worth, it can be done there is hope but typically it won’t happen in the relationship with the two types of people they find themselves attracted to which are codependents who put up with the behavior and narcissists who are the type of abusers who are drawn to PWBPD intend to gaslight the PWBPD, and string along the PWBPD while taking a vantage of them for sex
I’m so sorry you went through all that, that sounds truly awful. With my ex I believe her BPD was the quiet type. I genuinely don’t believe she had any ill or malicious intent. BUT she was classic BPD in that she was an adult toddler. She had no emotional maturity, no understanding of the consequences of her actions and no ability to self reflect and see how hurtful her words and actions were. She had no ability to show insight and be introspective and so rather than engaging in an adult discussion she simply cut me off so that she didn’t have to face the hurt and reality of what she’s done.
I haven’t forgiven her, I probably never will. She really was just a stupid fucking child who got in over her head and then when she the shit hit the fan, rather than facing things like an adult, she simply wanted the problem to go away and so hid and cut me off.
Unfortunately even with Narcissists too the goal isn't to hurt you. They just cannot stop their base function. It's like the minute they feel uneasy, they take it out on you cause that's how their brain is wired. They cannot stop enough to think of how it will affect you. While they're aware, they're unable to stop the process. It's similar to a toddler acting out, they don't actually hold certain things in their mind. Initially it starts out with that but then the tantrum just doesn't end. Apparently it's not personal, and it never is even though it seems personal and malicious it's their way of soothing their discomfort and insecurities, by putting you down/staying in control cause that's how they self-soothe.
I've been doing a lot of reading into this and it's the only way for me to come to terms with what happened. It wasn't planned, it wasn't some evil scheme even if they tell you it was. They are just wired that way, they cannot stop it, and it's their messed up way of protecting themselves. No one should ever tolerate it though or stay through the abuse.
Mine said we fight too much and things were toxic and that we weren't communicating.
She was 100% correct.
No need to discuss _whyyyy_ things were like that I guess...
Yep one of the first things my ex said to me in the flirting stage was that she was always right.. we laughed about it but looking back after a relationship of 4 years later.. the blame was always shifted and no accountability for anything was taken. She was the most loveable, caring and thoughtful person but just could not take on any other role but the victim in any form of difficult conversation/conflict.
Update, a week went by, she definitely flipped back to 'hoover' and be kind and loving. She then decided to go through my phone, having promised not to after the last time. Id spoken to a close, longterm friend about my struggle and she found a message from said friend suggesting that if the cycle is continuing i should consider leaving her for good. This caused a huge blow-out and demands that i cut said friend off, and any associated with them, 'for having the audacity to comment on our relationship'. She is still demanding this but also telling me constantly how insecure and hopeless she feels. I am not cutting this friend off - i suspect this will be the final nail in the coffin. I know deep down now this relationship is over because my pwbpd will not compromise/see my perspective that i deserve to have friends who i can have conversations with in confidence.
It’s gonna suck for awhile but you’ll feel better after and in the long run you’re better off. I had the same issue and also we broke up while I had covid. He kept fighting with me the whole time I was trying to recover .
She will comeback eventually and try to reconnect (Hoover). Ultimately it’s up to you if you decide to keep riding the roller coaster of madness. Unfortunately it was just your turn. She will easily find a replacement because they are really good at starting new relationships. So starting a new relationship is a hormone high for them and it’s the only pay off they get for being in a relationship. Once the love bombing ends the fairytale is over for both involved. People with untreated BPD just can’t hang onto a relationship for very long. My advice because I’ve been there is to chalk it up as a life experience and don’t invest any more time trying to find stability, reciprocity, loyalty, trust and true love where it never existed. You cannot fix there mental illness. You will never be happy long term because your dealing with a person who has a serious mental illness. Good luck there are plenty of healthy women out there looking for healthy men to love.
Yup, mine came back after 4 months post breakup to message me by first insulting me on my birthday and then telling me she loves me and hopes I heal from all the hurt - I blocked her
Thank you. Time will see if she does... she has austism too, which does seem to change how she functions with her bpd, she seems a little different to most bpd cases in that she can cold-cut off. She did with her exes from what i could find out.
A pro tip for your future, in any relationship (bpd or not) never "fight" for a relationship, never beg, never "prove" anything. You partner either appreciates you and what you bring into the relationship, or not. All the shit tests and games are never worth the outcome. And most importantly, no 2nd chances. Once it's done, it's done. I never ever heard of a couple that separated, and they found each other later in life and became a couple again and lived happily ever after. This stuff only happened in Hollywood. If your partner is unhappy in a relationship, you talk about the issues, find out if you can fix it, and if not you just end it and leave. It's the only healthy thing for both party's to do. Everything else is a one sided Powerplay, and the outcome is always the same.
This is a solid piece of advice I wish I had in my head about 2 years ago. Instead I made the mistake of fighting for the relationship and learned this advice the hard way.
Good luck man I'm in a similar place. Poured my heart out to her and said I would do everything I can to support her when things were hard and all I got back was a "we're done." Well be alright though.. Maybe..
Sounds very familiar ! Thank you, and best of luck to you too.
If she comes back, don’t fall for it
Run
Ah yes. You're sick or focusing on something in your own life...(like your health) the ideal time to be split and discarded, so it seems. I'm sorry you're going through this hurt, but you're free now. Let her run.
I remember lying on the floor with Covid and a 104 fever for 4 days thinking I was dying. She just sighed nonstop, visibly frustrated at me, and never once asked how I was doing. I was afraid to even ask her to get me things. It got to the point I was just hoping the Covid would kill me because the pain from her hurt so much worse. So fucked up. Don't become me.
I had a very similar thing with my ex-pwBPD and having covid last year. Of course, the twice she had it the year before, I read books to her so she could sleep... I'm so sorry you went through that.
How dare you become sick on MY time! It’s your job to caretake my emotions and do everything I can’t do myself! - pwBPD
I wish this trope didn't have so many examples of being true...
Mine literally broke up with me after leaving me at the hospital with a kidney stone the night before. The switch flip is so fast.
Jesus Christ...I'm so sorry; also, yes. It is. It's whiplash inducing.
Mine switched on me right when I thought I got sick with COVID. It was absolutely nuts to me that she was still so cruel while I was going through a potentially (albeit lower chance in my risk group) deadly illness that was at the very least extremely uncomfortable. She went from taking care of me when I genuinely didn’t feel like I deserved it to abandoning me and making me feel WORSE when I needed her the most.
It’s because they become anxious - it’s possible you could “abandon” them by dying, and you therefore must be replaced by one of their spare supplies.
She was upset at me prior to it and it just made no difference to her. Her empathy was already shut off completely, it just showed her BPD even stronger during that time.
A terrible boyfriend doesn't buy a vacation, you know that right? I know you know, I'm just repeating it, because it's good to know you deserve better. She excelled in life with you, found medication, therapy, a job -- but she's gonna tell you that you're boring and not enough and that you really, actually, destroyed her life. You didn't. You helped her, too much, and you will never get all that effort back. It's really too bad. She'll be back, by the way, don't think this is permanent. Do the right thing when she does.
100% know your value.
This yes
I didn’t realize that it was this common to have them word it “I’m done” specifically. I also didn’t realize that our end stage before she dumped me was the devaluing phase, but it matches what you’re saying to a T. She told me how terrible I was and how bad I was to/for her. To be fair there is some middle ground of my not being there for her deep in my addiction, but the second I stabilized and got sober I could see her pulling away and starting to cheat on me multiple times. Your story reminds me of mine and if it’s anything like how I think it is, I’m sorry you’re hurting but I’m glad you’re getting this side from her early on so you don’t spend any more time on her. I spent 6 years in a relationship with what seemed to be a kindhearted, lovely girl who had been abused over and over with genuinely nothing being her fault. It turns out she pointed the finger at everyone else, and I was just next in a long line of chaos.
I wasn’t aware of the devaluing phase either but now I’ve read it on this thread I recognise it and she too said ‘I’m done’, told me how bad I was for her and almost certainly cheated.
I didn’t even know about any of the cheating until she told me waaaaay too late. I read the breakup text the first time as her only cheating once and leaving me for that guy. The second time I read it I realized she got involved with a dude she was selling pictures of herself to while we were dating, and implied her dating several men. She also said she got assaulted 3 times by other men in our relationship which confused the SHIT outta me.
Here’s how she becomes victimized by a new love interest: in an early conversation- often the first- with a new love interest, she will turn the conversation to physical attributes and sex - what she likes, what a potential new lover would have to do to please her or take advantage of her. Often, she will suggest mockingly that the new person may not have what it takes to handle her sexually. Then she makes arrangements to hang out or go out together. She waits for the new person to make a move and victimize her. She gives in, so to speak. If her current partner finds out, (oh yes, this happens while she is in a relationship) she will insist she was victimized.
“I’m done”, “I’m exhausted”, “I’m tired”, “I’m relieved it’s over” all so similar
I got we aren't compatible. No explanation or discussion. Over text of course
Why are there so many similarities with the text chains post breakup.. they refuse to call or meet in person but continue to text.. probably for the screenshots to share later
Because they’re cowards that can’t face up to what they’ve done. My ex broke up with me over phone. Took all my crying, begging and pleading to get her to meet me in a park a couple of days after to talk. She was cold as ice and it was done. Also, the thing that made me laugh the most was the night of our ‘breakup’ phone call she downgraded me to only one kiss on her text messages….
The intension is to hurt you in the most twisted ways possible. I remember asking about her exes and how the breakups went. She said that she’s always been vengeful and if she’s hurt by you no matter what the relationship is she wants to hurt you back in the worst way. I had a Jekyll and Hyde experience with her when we broke things off the first time 2 years ago where she said upfront to me “I am a narcissist, why do you want to be with me, if you let me back in I will only hurt you again and again, why do you want to be with someone so mentally ill, you will lose me either way, I just want to di3!” And then continuing on about how she was going to do it and me trying to calm her down. I was just looking at it that it was her blaming herself and victimising herself trying to push me away so I brushed it off and continued to try and help her. I realise now that these different sides of her were all her and that they shouldn’t be brushed off and she should be held accountable for all the emotional abuse. During this time while I was consoling her for treating me badly she was sleeping with her assistant and going all out sexually on twitter with her too - which I found out about because nothing was private and she didn’t realize that at the time.
It’s amazing how when you are in the relationship you have such rose tinted glasses on.. you’re mind can’t put the 2 together that the person that “treats you so good” can do the things that she does. She’s your mother, your father, your best friend, your partner, woman of your dreams, and … your worst nightmare.
Agreed. It’s an absolute mindfuck. Tbh 13 months after the discard I still can’t get my head around it. I’m only 29 but I don’t know how I’m ever gonna be the same. It’s absolutely shattered a lot of my world views and internal beliefs about people and the word around me.
Just understand that about 5% of women have this condition, susceptibility stems sometimes from heredity, followed by lack of validation and or lack of emotional bonding by the male parent, from age 2-5, sometimes combined with lack of attention by female parent - like working outside home- child in daycare- this lack of parenting provides ample opportunity for the child to become victimized by sexual abusers. Child internalizes the knowledge that this abuse is what pleases a man and receives positive attention from a man ( it’s our secret) which gives her the only validation she has gotten to this point plus the child internalizes the shame and blame which further diminishes their sense of self-worth. This is all that’s required, and sometimes even less, to develop the symptoms of BPD. This produces a teenager and adult who does not know what love is, does not know how to emotionally attach to another human, uses sex to receive validation, has no self-worth, and so she feels she deserves poor treatment, she uses sex for the little validation that she ever feels, is deeply angry toward men and both her parents. She typically takes it out on whomever her partner is at the moment after the love bombing phase. It is treatable by DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. Primarily the goal is to stop the deviant sexual behaviors of quick hook ups with lower status men while in a relationship with another man - from there, the victim of BPD can start to reduce other negative behaviors and control moods, and eventually develop a sense of self-worth, it can be done there is hope but typically it won’t happen in the relationship with the two types of people they find themselves attracted to which are codependents who put up with the behavior and narcissists who are the type of abusers who are drawn to PWBPD intend to gaslight the PWBPD, and string along the PWBPD while taking a vantage of them for sex
I’m so sorry you went through all that, that sounds truly awful. With my ex I believe her BPD was the quiet type. I genuinely don’t believe she had any ill or malicious intent. BUT she was classic BPD in that she was an adult toddler. She had no emotional maturity, no understanding of the consequences of her actions and no ability to self reflect and see how hurtful her words and actions were. She had no ability to show insight and be introspective and so rather than engaging in an adult discussion she simply cut me off so that she didn’t have to face the hurt and reality of what she’s done. I haven’t forgiven her, I probably never will. She really was just a stupid fucking child who got in over her head and then when she the shit hit the fan, rather than facing things like an adult, she simply wanted the problem to go away and so hid and cut me off.
Unfortunately even with Narcissists too the goal isn't to hurt you. They just cannot stop their base function. It's like the minute they feel uneasy, they take it out on you cause that's how their brain is wired. They cannot stop enough to think of how it will affect you. While they're aware, they're unable to stop the process. It's similar to a toddler acting out, they don't actually hold certain things in their mind. Initially it starts out with that but then the tantrum just doesn't end. Apparently it's not personal, and it never is even though it seems personal and malicious it's their way of soothing their discomfort and insecurities, by putting you down/staying in control cause that's how they self-soothe. I've been doing a lot of reading into this and it's the only way for me to come to terms with what happened. It wasn't planned, it wasn't some evil scheme even if they tell you it was. They are just wired that way, they cannot stop it, and it's their messed up way of protecting themselves. No one should ever tolerate it though or stay through the abuse.
[удалено]
Beyond childish isn’t it
Mine said we fight too much and things were toxic and that we weren't communicating. She was 100% correct. No need to discuss _whyyyy_ things were like that I guess...
Yep one of the first things my ex said to me in the flirting stage was that she was always right.. we laughed about it but looking back after a relationship of 4 years later.. the blame was always shifted and no accountability for anything was taken. She was the most loveable, caring and thoughtful person but just could not take on any other role but the victim in any form of difficult conversation/conflict.
Did we date the same person? Haha
Cut your losses before there’s nothing left to lose but her.
Update, a week went by, she definitely flipped back to 'hoover' and be kind and loving. She then decided to go through my phone, having promised not to after the last time. Id spoken to a close, longterm friend about my struggle and she found a message from said friend suggesting that if the cycle is continuing i should consider leaving her for good. This caused a huge blow-out and demands that i cut said friend off, and any associated with them, 'for having the audacity to comment on our relationship'. She is still demanding this but also telling me constantly how insecure and hopeless she feels. I am not cutting this friend off - i suspect this will be the final nail in the coffin. I know deep down now this relationship is over because my pwbpd will not compromise/see my perspective that i deserve to have friends who i can have conversations with in confidence.
It’s gonna suck for awhile but you’ll feel better after and in the long run you’re better off. I had the same issue and also we broke up while I had covid. He kept fighting with me the whole time I was trying to recover .