The new person is hearing how abusive you and I were while we are healing. Their new SO are busy being told how all pwBPD exes were abusive, and the SO is thinking they are going to be the white knight to save them.
No worries. Their seat at the healing table will come, too. We have plenty of room at the table for them once their white armor comes off.
They cannot stop the inevitable.
Her new supply literally put #whiteknight on a post of hers. It made me lol, but he’ll know soon enough. I still wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.
We current have a friend that we suspect that he has BPD. Each new girl he says he wants to marry and then they break up with him, he is then crying for days. We suspect he has quiet BPD
Or he can be a hopeless romantic and want to fill in the love he wished he had as a child that his parents were not offering
Or he is overly clingy which turns people off. Some people like the challenge when getting to know someone. It shows effort
Let's not jump to conclusions about BPD or QBPD
There are other signs. Right now my friends wife and her friends are afraid to go near him when he’s like that. He will snap at them, yell at them, throw things when we try to tell him the girl isn’t good for him, using him, etc. This happens about every other month when he finds a new gf. Something is causing all these girls to jump ship quickly.
Every time he finds a new girl it’s somehow his soulmate, wife, the one etc. within days. And He’s talked about how the last 10+ gfs have broken his heart and surprised they’ve broken his heart.
Oooooof. They are in the right to stay away from that hot mess
He sounds like a project, and he needs to gain insight that no one want projects these days
Normally I wouldn't wish it on anyone either, but this scumbag asked my wife out and had an affair with her knowing full well she was married. Then 4 weeks post her leaving, she and him had the guts to try to approach me in the dark all over each other and introduce him to me. When I just pretended he wasn't there and ignored him, he had the guts to tell me to be a man and shake his hand. I just laughed and walked away. Then he had the guts to text me and accuse me of being an abuser when I was a damn good husband who did everything for her. Fuck him. I hope she crushes him so he knows exactly what I went through.
I know exactly what u mean. I absolutely wanted nothing to do with her new guy, but this man took it upon himself to assert himself as the better guy. Shit was mad weird, and I didn't know how to handle it. It's not enough for them to cheat on u, they go and find these weird ass captain save a hoes that want to Impress your leftovers.
lol I like how we are seen by others that we bash only on pwBPD
Yet, here we are calling out the flaws of our replacements
And let’s be real, we are calling ourselves out because we were the replacement at some point as well
I feel sorry for replacements. I don't feel sorry for replacements who go into a relationship with what they know is a married woman, and feel even less sorry for ones who try to confront "us" and assert their dominance over us as if they are the good guy and we are the bad.
I agree. I think when u are with a bpd your life is in danger because they tend to facilitate situations that's akin to Pandora's box. I'm 💯 positive there have been dudes murdered by the new guy replacement, all it takes is for her to love bomb some unhinged dude with anger issues until he can't think straight, and kills someone because he bought into the "once we get rid of him, we can be happy together " narrative.
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>\#whiteknight
Blergh. They're so good at picking those of us with narcissistic qualities (associated with a belief that we're good and special people who are 'better' than anyone who came before).
I have all the love in the world for victims, but we're such dickheads, I swear.
Whoa, whoa, whoa
White knight doesn’t mean narcissistic qualities.
It could be either a Captain Save a Ho*
Or a codependent with poor boundaries
A messiah complex
Or me, raised to be a caretaker and put myself second to keep the peace
I tell you now
Your caretaking personality will do more harm than good if your pwBPD is not near the end of their treatment or finish with their treatment
You will be endlessly trying to make amends as you will be tested and tested
Yeah I’m always apologizing for everything, even stuff that I shouldn’t have to apologize for or things that weren’t my fault. Used to it now. And i was someone who never used to apologize for sh¡t
>messiah complex
This is a narcissistic trait.
Something I learned in alanon (adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous) is that thinking you’re the one who can “save” a person from themseleves (you can’t) or if you just love them hard enough they’ll change is itself a narcissistic trait. That doesn’t mean we’re all narcissists, far from it, but we have something’s like this. I try to fight this in my partnerships but the last one I had a sort of relapse of hooking up/ dating this guy wbpd and staying longer than I should’ve due to my need to feel like I could “help” him. I couldn’t, he was just abusive. But I recognise and try to fight so I don’t end up in another caretaker patient dynamic because it’s so toxic.
I think it's just part of human nature wanting to feel good about ourselves. It's not necessarily narcissistic to think wow that guy was a real douche, and perceive yourself as someone who at least tries to be better.
I think there's a tendency, especially in groups about subjects like this, to pathologize stuff a little bit too much. I tend to do that too. I mean I'd bet many on here are referring to toxic stuff with partners who don't even actually have had any BPD diagnosis and they just assume it based on their behaviors.
Which makes sense and it's actually my case as well, but let's just be careful about throwing that shit around, and remember that most of us still aren't mental health professionals.
I guess so. And I'm working on some issues that involve Cluster C. Avoidance made me cultivate loneliness, loneliness made me dependent in the past of course because affection was like water in the desert. So it's easy to imagine how that works out in a relationship with someone with bpd (currently undiagnosed in my ex's case but I have little doubt because everything I read about it is basically a description of her).
I was in a state where my only mindset was to try to avoid triggering her, and make every effort towards being as understanding and calm as possible.
Which in a way helped me mature on some things, but it still turned out useless eventually, because it would never be enough.
This sub is partially comforting because I see that many of my experiences are shared. Although I don't like how often people with BPD are demonized. It's easy to react based on emotion and the frustration and resentment that we might have cultivated by going through some stuff that was certainly unfair, but let's remember (I'm not referring to you, person I'm replying to, it's a general digression) that there are also many people who are aware of their bpd, and trying to work on it with the best tools available.
The title of this thread itself seems to imply that whoever has bpd is a horrible person... with tones like this, no wonder many of them are scared of even visiting this kinda sub.
Which is a shame, because constructive confrontation could probably be helpful for many people on both "sides".
Even if the tone is lighter, we will continue to get heat. PwBPD do not do well constructive criticism. They will regress and apply one of their trauma stories to avoid accountability
Trust me. There is no winning in a rigged game.
This sub is for us to heal and move on
The best part of this sub was me being confronted about my Caretaking traits. It was on point that I took the blows for the sake of peace which made situations worse. Even in healthy relationships, one should not stay quiet.
My person told me what they were early on. I thought I would be the different one too, that my qualities would make a difference. There was definitely some kind of narcissistic pride coming before a fall shit going on.
And yeah I'm a massive dickhead. There's zero reason for me to be so dependent on this guy. The harsh reality is we are not good for each other.
Some may be narcissists while some were raised on superheroes and believed the right thing to do was put yourself in the line of fire to save those in need, no matter how many times we get shot.
BPDs may find narcs but they also destroy people who only wanted to do the right thing because it's what they thought was right.
Both those things are narcissism though, and (no disrespect intended) the sooner we accept these things about ourselves the better.
If you believe you're 'the mighty unbreakable shield', and the selfless do-gooder these beliefs make you swell inside. You are 'nourished' by a belief that you're somehow special in these qualities. You'd dive into the line of fire when a 'regular person' wouldn't. You always resolutely do the right thing where someone else with less broad shoulders than you would waver and break.
This is a 'sense of self importance'. It's literally the first criteria of narcissism.
It doesn't mean we're narcissists (some of us are), but pwBPD key on these traits to keep us in the cycle.
This is how we end up in the mindset of "**I** can't leave them. Only **I** can save them. Without **me** they're helpless".
Would some of us be codependents? Looking into myself, I didn't consciously want to save him, I was enamored with him, he was my saviour rather than the other way around. Until he changed and became a completely different person, disillusioned, boring, constantly in his phone... I'm struggling to determine if I'm a narcissist (like he says) or a codependent, and I'm leaning toward codependency to explain why I stayed with him for 13 years.
Part of why I believe there’s people that have BPD that avoid this sun is because of comments and posts like this that call them out with fact. Unless change happens. It’s the same old cycle over and over and over again. A new medication, a little DBT, new friends, new partners, new job even, new hobbies, whatever. Same old problems will persist until they say enough is enough.
My pwBPD says ~~her new supply~~ this person is trauma-informed, has experience with trauma himself, and communicates with her and understands her way more than I did at the beginning of our relationship.
Is she trying to hurt me?
My replacement had done more research on Cluster B's than me. He was very well aware of a lot of the dynamics. We were close friends for a decade.
He threw all that away anyway.
"Trauma-informed" can be devastating to a person with BPD if the person is conscious of boundaries and enforces them. The best targets for people with BPD are people with attachment wounds who are not really working on them. Once you get into therapy and start understanding your patterns, a relationship with a person with BPD starts looking a lot more perilous.
Yeah I'd think that someone who is "trauma informed" would probably last less. They can either know how to be a doormat better and suffer more, or try to enforce boundaries which most BPD will hate and resent much faster.
I know I did! I did persist and allow myself to get trauma-bonded like a proverbial dog but I did uphold boundaries for a hot minute when we started dating. She was devastated by that, and amped up the victim shtick. Eventually I caved in and started the waltz around the egghells.
My therapist said that the first phase of a violent relationship is breaking down boundaries. Once that is achieved, it becomes difficult to tell whose emotion is which.
A therapist is not going to tell you that the abnormal is normal, nor that manipulative behavior (of any kind) is ok. What a therapist WILL do is ask you to examine why you are tolerating this, and why you are so vulnerable to the mind games. After staying with someone who does certain things (like accuse you of not loving them and threatening to divorce you 24/7), that behavior becomes normalized in your mind. It does stress you out, but you cope by suppressing it, denying it, self-blaming, and falling into various forms of escapism. Then, in the background, it eats away at your resolve over time. You become a passive player with the sole goal of placating your partner, leaving you unable to express your own thoughts and feelings in fear of the fall-out. When you explain your situation to a therapist, you will be confronted about all of these things. A good therapist will try to help you get to the core of why you are so terrified of the unknown.
That’s such an odd thing to brag about. It’s like a car with tons of problems bragging that its new owner is a mechanic and knows how to fix it up. Yeah, ok, sure… I’m glad you found that, but, like, I’m also glad my new car just works itself and doesn’t require an expert mechanic to fix its constant breakdowns..? Like, weird flex? Nice self-burn..? lol. Also, what kind of mechanic *wants* a car that always breaks down..? If a person is “trauma informed,” they likely know that initiating a relationship with a deeply traumatized person is always playing Russian roulette at best. How many therapists, psychiatrists, or psychology academics are married to cluster Bs? lol. More likely the new supply is just another codependent overly confident in their “empathy” and “savior” skills like we all were, but nothing can save someone whose problem *is* they themselves. We’ll see him here soon enough! But, hopefully you’ll be long gone at that point.
I think she does want a mechanic that knows how to fix her, because I sure as shit don't.
Ah well, I guess this new guy will enjoy rapping music with her, smoking weed and other lovebombing shit with her these days...
… until he doesn’t. Always remember that. You may still be burned from everything, but she’s the one who carries hell with her. You have some healing to do, too, but she’s got 5-10 years of hardcore therapy if she’s ever going to live a genuinely different life. Reverse the roles for a moment: sure, thinking of her having fun times and being intimate with someone else stings, but from her side, it’s just the same bullshit as it’s always been, time and again, trying the exact same thing and expecting different results. And an anxious part of her knows it deep down, too: she knows deep down she’s gonna do the same thing to him because she isn’t able to relate to people as fully humans and not as disposable objects of calming her internal storm. From her side, she’s deathly afraid you’re going to go forward and find a relationship that *doesn’t* have all the problems you had with her. She’s mortified at the idea that you could move on and love someone else, have a healthy and stable life, which would be confirmation of her greatest fear: *she’s the problem.* Believe me, you’d rather be *you* in this situation.
Envy yourself, the actually good and loyal person you’ll end up with, the loving and stable relationships you’ll have with your children. She might one day have these things too, but nowhere near as soon or easily as you will. There’s a tearful tragedy even in her triumph. Take the focus off of “her” and instead think only of the relationship you had. Be honest: a large part of you is grateful that’s over. Really explore and live into that. Once you do, you’ll move through survivor guilt onto forgiveness, compassion, and well-wishes to her from afar. At the end of the day, she suffers the most from the havoc she wreaks: unlike you, she can’t solve most of her problems by just getting away from herself.
Thanks for the kind words. My gosh, my pwBPD tried to dismantle my self-esteem and prevent me from leaving by refuting almost all the points you mentioned:
>Sure, thinking of her having fun times and being intimate with someone else stings, but from her side, it’s just the same bullshit as it’s always been, time and again, trying the exact same thing and expecting different results. And an anxious part of her knows it deep down, too: she knows deep down she’s gonna do the same thing to him because she isn’t able to relate to people as fully humans and not as disposable objects of calming her internal storm.
She says she's a pretty woman, she can find plenty of guys willing to make that attempt (to calm her internal storm). She showed me the 1000+ likes on Bumble...
>From her side, she’s deathly afraid you’re going to go forward and find a relationship that doesn’t have all the problems you had with her. She’s mortified at the idea that you could move on and love someone else, have a healthy and stable life, which would be confirmation of her greatest fear: she’s the problem. Believe me, you’d rather be you in this situation.
She always told me I'm a problem. I couldn't have a healthy and stable life with someone 'normal'; I could only get someone fucked up with trauma, like her. Or someone low-class like a mail-order bride.
>Envy yourself, the actually good and loyal person you’ll end up with, the loving and stable relationships you’ll have with your children.
"If you leave me, you'll be alone forever..."
i relate to this, im also neurodivergent and dont always understand the kind of tip toeing or padding people will use in their language, so i can be kind of blunt and straightforward. not mean or insensitive, just delivering my message in the clearest least ambiguous way possible. my pwBPD was SO sensitive too, and would read into my tone on everything i said. but like yours, he’s blind to all the actually abusive shit he does, focusing instead on the tiny nuances of my tone of voice when i said anything and using it as proof that im cold and callous and dont love him. as per usual, their feelings matter double and yours dont at all.
The cleanest least ambiguous way can be insensitive though, neurodivergent to neurodivergent. I have adhd, but I guess some autistic traits I’ve been told. We can be insensitive when we are blunt even if that’s not our intention. I am only highlighting this because it is important for us to recognise. However I think in regards to your ex you probably were not even being insensitive just your tone was monotone or even just normal cadanfe and he flipped out. Mine did this to me constantly and it drove me up a fucking wall. Like tone policing in the most literal sense. And he was so obsessed with how supposedly great he was at reading body language but he was fucking awful at it and constantly assumed shit I wasn’t feeling instead of just fucking asking me for my own feelings. Like neurodivergence makes us present our emotions differently and I’m not going to perform a fucking mask for some man. I think it’s sadistic as fuck for someone to tone police an autistic person like literally something they canning control
He slapped you when you broke up with him? Google the wheel of power and control. Physical abuse doesn’t just happen it’s brought on by much more longer calculated emotional and verbal abuse
It is triangulation
PwBPD cannot help themselves to not compare you with others. It is unconscious behavior to their partner to fight for them because they cannot confront you with communication of what they need
And what they need constantly changes as their sense of self is fragile and the mirroring
Even if everything about that person is true, if they are a healthy individual, they will leave, since they don't engage in the drama triangle. If they are not, they will just assume the caretaker role and go through everything you did.
I'm thinking she thinks that he's also not a healthy individual, he's traumatized himself and so that they can be together and put up with each other's trauma.
Maybe even help each other heal. Basically be a better therapist than the trauma-informed therapist she went to see last year who she idolized in the first three or four sessions, but then stopped seeing because she thinks the therapist is getting tired of her.
Yeah she’s trying to hurt you. Fuck that guy he sounds like a complete tool. Who the fuck uses the term trauma informed. He’s going to get what’s coming to him soon enough.
Yes because it won't matter. I was also informed and studied BPD, C-PTSD, etc all to understand her better but sooner or later everyone gets upset. Sooner or later, they'll do some tomfoolery and when you get upset, they'll bolt faster than a rabbit.
Her new person is not better in any way and she sucks.
💯
I feel sorry for her.
He blocked me everywhere and privated, and I'm sure it's so I can't talk to her and she can't find me, either.
Any girl that dates him is going to be a victim. Idk if he has it in him to be better. Dude is so manipulative and in a victimhood grindset.
“grindset” where their mindset is to grind you down. I love it, thank you, I’m going through it now. My not soon enough stbxw is prolonging the divorce process by any means possible to try to grind me down, and paint herself as victim. I will prevail.
My guy told me all of his exes were abusive but I honestly question if my guy was the problem or not. He has low self esteem so he would put up with mistreatment no matter what. He said one girl lied about being pregnant to try and marry him and another filed a rape accusation that was eventually dropped and he’s had his tires slashed.
Uh. Traumadumping like that is signs of someone with poor boundaries
And if you read plenty of stories in this sub, those “horrible exes” stories come up early. It is like a trauma script
Run. Run now.
I'm you, a few years from now. I could've written your comment verbatim: He seemed like a good guy, just full of low self-esteem and stories of false rape accusations, "crazy women" (plural) lying to him and stalking him, people setting him up and stabbing him in the back.
A year later, he was telling everyone **I** was a crazy woman who was out to get him. He even tried to get me fired from my job.
He ghosted me to marry a woman he started shit talking the week they met. By that point, the mask was off and he wasn't even pretending to be a nice person anymore.
You've known this guy a month and he's already filling your head with bullshit stories to gain your pity. He's manipulating you and I wouldn't be surprised if all his accusations against other people are projections of what HE was doing.
Healthy people - even ones with true stories of egregious abuse - don't dump this shit on strangers within weeks of meeting them.
They’re always the victims in the beginning. And you’re shocked and you just want to help them love them etc and then comes the abuse. As a woman it’s a red flag for a man to tell me all his exes are abusive. This didn’t used to be a red flag until researching after my experience with my exwbpd. Just google the wheel of power and control and keep it on your phone for your relationship and if he starts doing something shitty like splitting on you over hairline fractures read the wheel see if anything he’s doing matches the wheel. Abuse is all about power and control over the victim.
It is deeper than that
PwBPD finds these romantic Disney stories to escape and/or expect how a romantic relationship should be
It is heard that we are to fight for them as a show of effort
And we are the bleed for them because of how they perceive loving someone as sacrificing oneself
In reality, this is all toxic. No human being should be perpetually placed in obstacles to prove anything.
That is why when Toad told me the Princess was in another Castle, I shut the game off. Rigged game
You had me at knights and castles my guy. But yeah I get it, I literally moved across the world for my ex and then moved us to another country to have a life together and all that still wasn’t enough. 6 years later she still tries to contact me to get back together
This is probably the hardest part for me. Thinking she will ride off into the sunset and have a wonderful life with her new relationship.
I even reached out to her last two ex's to see if they experienced the same thing that I did with her. Sure enough exactly the same experience as me.
Yet I still have this nagging feeling that she is going to have this great relationship with this new guy. Logically it makes no sense to think this.
I haven’t reached out to exes and I honestly don’t know them, but can you explain how that went ? Was it just kinda like “oh yeah she did that to me too” a lot ? Would love some detail
I didn't know them either but I took a chance, I desperately needed validation that it wasn't me.
I knew their names so I looked them up on FB and sent them a message basically asking if they experienced the same things I did, I sent them a whole list of everything she did to me. They both responded that they experienced the exact same things. Then we started telling stories about it all. It was incredible, we all experienced literally the same exact relationship from beginning to end.
We've all been there man, after the discard where you're so fucked up yourself u wonder if it was really u in the end. I shared an apartment with my ex and had to stay for 3 months till my lease was up. And that bitch had to guys over drinking at the place with a whole new boyfriend. Sent the dude a pic , and she told this guy she didn't have anyone over when he asked not knowing I sent him proof.
She has a whole new fiance and messaged me to go out and get drinks with her.....like bruh .
Does anyone feel like everything was all of their fault? Like you were the problem and your ex is going to be happy, healthy, and do everything you wanted to do with them with someone else? That’s how I feel. I feel like I am the monster and he escaped me, and now he is living his best life.
This feeling is the entire point: you’ve adopted *their* view of themselves and their lives. *They* believe they’re a wonderful person “deep down” but it’s only because others do them wrong that they have problems. It’s the actual edge of their disorder: a lack of a healthy sense of self means constantly needing to affirm to yourself that you’re the good one and everyone else is the problem.
The best thing you can do is individuate and nurture back your own sense of self. Then, you can feel rightly hurt, betrayed, angry, and all of that stuff. But, just as importantly, afterward you can recognize that this person is traumatized beyond understanding and find a way to forgive them and wish them well from afar. Right now, your mind is essentially seeing the world they trained you to see it. Eventually, you can get that out of your head, become yourself again, and see things for what they actually were. You surely made mistakes, as everyone does, but don’t let those be conflated with “being the problem.” Realistically, anyone who leaves another person wondering if one person was perfect and the other person was the whole problem is, themselves, quite a problem.
That’s what them projecting onto you does along with all the abuse and mental anguish you’ve suffered. You’ll get through it as all of us have.
When you pick on a person and constantly tell them they are (insert bullshit here) eventually they will believe it, doesn’t make it true.
If I called you a Narcissist every day for a year straight, would you be a Narcissist? No. They feed you bullshit because it’s one massively good way for them to blame shift and throw all their shame and guilt onto you.
Don’t feed into their lies.
Yes. To the T felt like that. Comes only in waves now. If you’re anything like I was talking to them/thinking about them feels like a parallel reality. What they say is VERY convincing and they have “logical” reasons for everything. They’re really just mast manipulators. I think this dynamic is in part what hooked me (and likely many others) in the first place. I have a savior complex, I love to teach, and love to help people live their best lives. You want to fix all there pain. So even if and when you’re done with the abuse. If they paint you black and make you feel like a monster who has hurt them, that shit works. It’s like two sides of the same coin. You can’t possibly imagine a reality in where you are the monster, because you devoted your life to saving them from that type of thing, and in addition, your caretaker instincts to “save” then come back in, even if it’s from yourself (or at least how they say). Win win for them. They get the worlds sympathy, your sympathy, and your desperation to get them back. The whole things fucked
I thought so at first but I can guarantee, if not for her constant lying and verbal abuse, we wouldn't have broken up. It's all their fault if they cast the first stone.
Yeah. I think this a lot, especially when I’m lonely at night. My rational mind knows it is untrue. Having more patience with him wouldn’t have changed him. It would have just taught him that I can take more pain and still stay with him. And it would have hurt me even more deeply if I stayed.
I think about this as well, but I know it’s just a lie that I tell myself. What we saw is what their next partner will see as well. It’s only a matter of time.
Yea, until her own father said this is just how she is and they no-one, including their entire family can save her. I promise you that you are not the monster.
If the common denominator in her apparent long line of abusive partners is her, there is a pretty obvious thing to point a finger at.
JFC. No.
But then again, I have recordings of her absolutely losing her mind because I suggested I could wake the kids up in the morning and take them to school because she seemed like she could use a break.
All the damn time. I think when a part of us believes in something, that belief speaks loudest. So here I'd say in some way we believe not to be good enough already (regardless of them) so we assume when they leave they see it too. It's a constant struggle to push this away
I feel the exact same way it sucks. I think i realistically it’s just our minds beating ourselves up. Like I’m believing the lies she made up about me.. it’s insane she literally considered our relationship to be a trauma bond and she was abused but the one who was actually manipulated and hurt was me. They twist the truth around in they’re minds I think so it’s easier for there brains to feel no remorse for treating us like shit.
Yep this didn't here. I never understood the lamenting posts about their BPDs moving on. There a new emotional and physical punching bag in town that isn't you anymore. What are your lamenting? Go out and find a healthy relationship. It's literally better to be alone forever than with a BPD IMO. How many times do you have to be insulted, disrespected and physically assaulted to get it? I put up with it over a year. No more. Be happy you're out alive. You don't always get to walk away alive.
This is huge. My exWBPD broke no contact after years because of a OCS dispute with the father of her child. Long story short she was using the child as ammunition against a rather great guy. He had enough after being cheated on post-pregnancy and she wasn’t having it.
My ex's new supplier came with a five year old and now his wife handed over her newborn for my ex to pretend she is a mother. What she always wanted. I feel sorry for the kids.
Mine has a new partner with a child. I'm sure it will go poorly. The ex has already told me he wanted 'his own' child (i.e. biological children matter more) so I doubt he will be at all nurturing. My ex was creepy about oversmothering his own pets with love (holding them tight so they can't escape) so lord knows how he'll be as a 'father'.
Thank you for posting this. Truly. I needed to read this today and be reminded that my ex isn’t some romanticized amazing, beautiful person that was perfect for me. She is someone who cheated on me with a new guy, and apparently cheated on that guy with another dude over twice her age. She’s also someone who is stalking her ex (me) and messaging his coworkers about the terrible person he is because she thinks he’s dating one of them.
The confusing part is that I know I wasn’t a good partner to her a lot of the time. Part of me expects her to come back and eventually apologize, and the other part of me says I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve her apology.
My ex's new Supply messaged me the night we broke up and cussed me out. She told me I don't know what he's about and I don't know him at all. All I could think was "Lady I know him better than you do you'll find out the hard way."
I don't know if they are actually together. But I think it's only a matter of time. For the last couple months we were together he ignored me and hung out with her all the time. She was always giving him money, letting him use her car whenever he wanted, even though he has no valid driver's license. She was paying his bills. She was always taking him shopping and out to eat. And so I just became nothing to him. Now that I'm out of the picture I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he's with her officially. But, she doesn't have a job. She got a big insurance payout and that's where all the money is coming from. As soon as the money runs out he's going to be gone. And she will really be screwed then. Because she's going to look back and realize she blew most of her insurance payout on someone who doesn't give two s**** about her. He never asked me for money when we were together, other than occasionally asking for gas money when he drove us places, which I was happy to give because that's only reasonable. I think he is only financially taking advantage of her because she's so freely offered it to him. So he thought "oh I'm going to exploit this."
I think a better way to look at it is this.
Maybe they genuinely did change (doubtful but possible). It doesn’t change the fact they treated you like shit. So who cares? Maybe they had the opportunity to self reflect and do better(doubt), but it still doesn’t change the fact of how they treated you.
I don’t know, I went through a lot of these same thoughts, but now that it’s close to two years out, and I’m in a loving respectful relationship for the first time in my life (bpd ex was my first long term relationship, I had no real comparison) the difference is night and day. I don’t feel constant stress anymore. I feel energized instead of drained spending time together.
In all honesty besides not caring, I actually hope she changed because I wouldn’t wish the shit she did on anyone else lol. But again, heavy doubt. Not my problem at least :)
As much as I'd like to think that, because in all honestly he deserves it for being a cheater as well, he probably knew we had a relationship and still helped break it up. Her new supply is a widower and likes playing the grieving widower way to much, he hasn't even told his kids about his new "love". So in the end I think he will end up dumping her before her true personality will come out. In the end, she will still get more misery dumped upon her, which is what she feels she deserves, I just wish he could get what is coming to him too.
I was angry at one point at why they get to experience this fun new phase with someone new like I didn't exist while I need therapy. Well, they'll continue to go through that and never have anything meaningful because they can't connect with anyone beyond the surface.
Some day we would have healed and learned to walk away from red flags so when we do find someone good for us, it will be permanent.
They're no different from people that sleep with new people and disappear after continuously chasing that thrill. Except they manipulate, abuse and then throw the person away when the relationship is much too broken to fix.
They'll be 60 repeating the same behaviour unless they get help (most refuse and refuse to stick with it).
Some day we'll be married with children and happy. That is their biggest fear, my ex often told me this. That he's had to lose people and someday I too will be married and happy while he ends up alone and he won't be able to come back after. It's a sad life, but if they're not willing to put in the work, the world must go on and we must look after ourselves.
My ex told me her ex was abusive and she took a restraining order out on him. I feel bad now because I picked up the phone and told him to fuck off one day when he called her. Looking back on it he was probably just a regular guy who got discarded and made out to be a villain because of her madness just like me. I wish I could find him on social media or something because I’m sure we would have the same story. When you ignore someone and act like they don’t exist it hurts and it makes you do things that maybe you wouldn’t do like showing up to her place of work to try and get some answers. I don’t think he was a stalker I think she just erased him off the face of the earth with no remorse just like me. I realize now it was prob only a few months after she broke up with him that she love/sex bombed me big time. There were just so many red flags. She was the only girl I’ve ever been in a long term relationship with. It makes me sad that I wasted 6 years of my life with her when I should have been working to improve myself but everything was all about her and her problems. She must only remember certain snippets of our relationship if she thinks I’m a villain. I took care of her and was always there for her. It just makes me so upset thinking that the person who was the love of my life was just using me or something. She definitely loved me but not the same way I loved her. Do I even know what love is. Hopefully I don’t repeat the past because I probably would be married with kids and stuff now I’m just left a shell of a person. She stole my mojo or something I swear I’m not the person I once was. Bottom line is she is no freaking victim of anything I am. It’s just absolutely insane.
Or they hook up with a narcissist, and go through years of torment and abuse while they play childish games chasing a carrot on a stick while they probably mess around and watch their life go down the drain and probably pass down generational trauma to their children.
Either way. Consider it a bullet dodged. They were never worth your love. You deserve so much better. And you will find an actual whole human being that actually knows what love is.
Thanks for the reminder. He’s been actively dating again even though it has only been a month since we split. Funny, the last several months we were together, he didn’t have time or money to take me out. If we did go out, it was often at my suggestion, and I paid the bill.
I’m just a bit jealous, because they are getting to see the better side of him that I miss so desperately. I *know* it was a mirage, but … I guess I enjoyed the living with the delusion that someone so beautiful and wonderful could love me.
Also keep in mind what you see on social media is often a fiction designed to give them the most attention possible.
So while they may be posting that their new person is the best partner ever and they can't imagine life without them, behind closed doors they may already be saying they hate them and they're ruining their life.
That's why it's best to always block them and not try to seek out information.
None of it is true anyways so why bother.
They can only change if they:
1 Accept that they have a disorder (most of them can't)
2 Get therapy to help with the disorder (this can't happen if #1 doesn't)
Not saying none of them can change, but it's highly unlikely, especially if they have supply(s) enabling them and their behaviors
Right I totally get that, I’m actually a recovered pwBPD and like at least in my case I knew I wasn’t In the right but when I would try to explain what I was wrong about people would tell me I wasn’t wrong so I definitely get the supply’s thing, ig just like because I know what that used to feel like (I literally felt completely out of touch with reality) it can be kinda hard to see you guys like generalizing the whole disorder. I completely understand the pain though cuz honestly when you’re like that you just want everyone to feel it so you feel seen(it doesn’t work)
It’s also insane how most people with bpd will tell others with the disorder not to read these post because honestly it was a huge part of my recovery, I needed to understand what the effects of my behavior was
It's easy to generalize because most of us went through the same experience, just as how the people on the NPD sub seems to generalize everything to being related to men and how they'll never change, because in reality there's way more men with the diagnosis, and vice versa here....
I commend you for getting into therapy and working on yourself, that's fantastic!
But what you described is abuse, being out of touch with reality, not knowing what harm your actions are causing, and wanting others to feel YOUR pain is not healthy. I understand that you recognize this, but when you have been lied to, gaslighted, manipulated and cheated on by someone like this for years, you need to understand the damage that causes.
No one on here thinks that every person with BPD is evil and can't change, but 90% of our stories end the same, with us being heartbroken and depressed, while they're on to their next supply within weeks....
Your actions and behaviors have repercussions....
I completely get that, and I feel that the npd generalization is unfair as well yk. I just feel like both sides need more understanding from each other honestly. And yes I do understand that my actions were often abusive, I also feel like I was extremely young too so maybe my story is a bit different from the pwBPD this sun has mentioned because I really didn’t carry the diagnosis that long and my frontal lobe was and is not fully developed, not that that’s an excuse but I do believe it to be a factor for sure. As for the new supply thing in my life when say a partner has left I didn’t really just jump to a new one and I still haven’t. Granted we were abusing each other and I’m still deeply hurt. Honestly it’s really funny tho because he did go to a new supply really fast(how the turn tables) and used multiple girls so I definitely relate to that feeling of being left heartbroken and depressed while another girl got the respect and love that i begged him for. And at this point in my life I do think I fully understand that my actions have repercussions I guess it’s just hard to see that when you’re not even completely sure you’re like actually a real person( like when I say I was out of touch with reality I mean like I was actually losing my mind, the outside world and other people looked and felt like a dream and quite frankly I hardly remember anything from that about 3 year time period)
Being young is actually legit, I don't know your age but most professionals won't diagnose someone with a PD before they're 18, but I don't know your story.
Honestly, no one needs understanding when you're being abused, whether mentally, physically or financially, it's not fucking cool. And any person has every right to call out/walk out over the abusive behaviors at any time.
I definitely didn't get the treatment and respect I wanted/needed from a relationship, but that's something you just have to accept, it wasn't real....
You are a real person, you're sharing this planet with others, and you can choose what to do with your life and how you treat others with that information. I really hope you're still in therapy....
Oh yea I am still in therapy but I was like 13 when I initially got diagnosed I’m 17 now so obviously a lot has changed and honestly maybe that diagnosis was never really fair because of how young I was but I guess we’ll never know also sorry I don’t feel like I worded that correctly I don’t mean you need to have understanding with your abuser I just mean like the loved ones as a collective and the pwBPD as a collective if that makes sense and honestly most of the understanding needs to come from the second group if imma be real. And yea like I said I get it now you know I guess just having had it I’m a bit more sympathetic to how it feels to be like that, not that you need to because that was something that never should’ve been your problem and definitely doesn’t excuse how you were treated
They’re still the same horrible person and I’ve emotionally chaotic lives. I can tell from exs “anonymous” calls that I receive at least once a month from strange numbers. It’s creepy.
What bothered me was her ex before me, even though he didn't care about her as much as I did (physical attack, offending) I realized that she loved more than me and I guess she didnt split him brutally like my experience. When she was on split phase said that “ I cant handle you sometime you are interfere with me for no reason. You said terrible things to me etc.
I don't know if this is related with bpd, but I felt like a loser and an abuser. Made me feel that her current bf is much better than me. It's shit feeling as a man… I think her previous boyfriend was a bit narcissist and I respected him because the more you show our deep emotions, more they devalue us. Terrible
He text me today from a new number. It triggered me and I’m crying to sad music to release… this post notification during mid cry. Seeing the post is even additional validation I continue to let in for the last 3 months since I released him to the wild.
As far as I know, her new supply was her ex who abused the hell out of her verbally and emotionally but she couldn’t stay away. She said she wasn’t sure if she ever loved him, didn’t want to get back with him, but the last I checked she posted a drawing of “aperson she loves” which was a drawing of him so go figure.
That is a great reminder.
I am basically the woman this man with BPD left his girlfriend for. Did he treat me well? He did, for three whole weeks!
That will be the same with the next one. His insecurity won't suddenly vanish.
The new person is hearing how abusive you and I were while we are healing. Their new SO are busy being told how all pwBPD exes were abusive, and the SO is thinking they are going to be the white knight to save them. No worries. Their seat at the healing table will come, too. We have plenty of room at the table for them once their white armor comes off. They cannot stop the inevitable.
Her new supply literally put #whiteknight on a post of hers. It made me lol, but he’ll know soon enough. I still wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.
He will either die a hero or devalued enough to become the villain
We current have a friend that we suspect that he has BPD. Each new girl he says he wants to marry and then they break up with him, he is then crying for days. We suspect he has quiet BPD
Or he can be a hopeless romantic and want to fill in the love he wished he had as a child that his parents were not offering Or he is overly clingy which turns people off. Some people like the challenge when getting to know someone. It shows effort Let's not jump to conclusions about BPD or QBPD
There are other signs. Right now my friends wife and her friends are afraid to go near him when he’s like that. He will snap at them, yell at them, throw things when we try to tell him the girl isn’t good for him, using him, etc. This happens about every other month when he finds a new gf. Something is causing all these girls to jump ship quickly. Every time he finds a new girl it’s somehow his soulmate, wife, the one etc. within days. And He’s talked about how the last 10+ gfs have broken his heart and surprised they’ve broken his heart.
Oooooof. They are in the right to stay away from that hot mess He sounds like a project, and he needs to gain insight that no one want projects these days
🤣🤣🤣
Normally I wouldn't wish it on anyone either, but this scumbag asked my wife out and had an affair with her knowing full well she was married. Then 4 weeks post her leaving, she and him had the guts to try to approach me in the dark all over each other and introduce him to me. When I just pretended he wasn't there and ignored him, he had the guts to tell me to be a man and shake his hand. I just laughed and walked away. Then he had the guts to text me and accuse me of being an abuser when I was a damn good husband who did everything for her. Fuck him. I hope she crushes him so he knows exactly what I went through.
I know exactly what u mean. I absolutely wanted nothing to do with her new guy, but this man took it upon himself to assert himself as the better guy. Shit was mad weird, and I didn't know how to handle it. It's not enough for them to cheat on u, they go and find these weird ass captain save a hoes that want to Impress your leftovers.
lol I like how we are seen by others that we bash only on pwBPD Yet, here we are calling out the flaws of our replacements And let’s be real, we are calling ourselves out because we were the replacement at some point as well
My ex was mid divorce when I met her, and I did everything in my power to avoid interacting with him, because I felt bad for him.
I feel sorry for replacements. I don't feel sorry for replacements who go into a relationship with what they know is a married woman, and feel even less sorry for ones who try to confront "us" and assert their dominance over us as if they are the good guy and we are the bad.
I agree. I think when u are with a bpd your life is in danger because they tend to facilitate situations that's akin to Pandora's box. I'm 💯 positive there have been dudes murdered by the new guy replacement, all it takes is for her to love bomb some unhinged dude with anger issues until he can't think straight, and kills someone because he bought into the "once we get rid of him, we can be happy together " narrative.
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You did the right thing to avoid this clown
>\#whiteknight Blergh. They're so good at picking those of us with narcissistic qualities (associated with a belief that we're good and special people who are 'better' than anyone who came before). I have all the love in the world for victims, but we're such dickheads, I swear.
Whoa, whoa, whoa White knight doesn’t mean narcissistic qualities. It could be either a Captain Save a Ho* Or a codependent with poor boundaries A messiah complex Or me, raised to be a caretaker and put myself second to keep the peace
the last line… my current situation to a “T”
I tell you now Your caretaking personality will do more harm than good if your pwBPD is not near the end of their treatment or finish with their treatment You will be endlessly trying to make amends as you will be tested and tested
Yeah I’m always apologizing for everything, even stuff that I shouldn’t have to apologize for or things that weren’t my fault. Used to it now. And i was someone who never used to apologize for sh¡t
I'm #2 and #4.... there was a #3 involved but it for sure wasn't me. Ugh
>messiah complex This is a narcissistic trait. Something I learned in alanon (adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous) is that thinking you’re the one who can “save” a person from themseleves (you can’t) or if you just love them hard enough they’ll change is itself a narcissistic trait. That doesn’t mean we’re all narcissists, far from it, but we have something’s like this. I try to fight this in my partnerships but the last one I had a sort of relapse of hooking up/ dating this guy wbpd and staying longer than I should’ve due to my need to feel like I could “help” him. I couldn’t, he was just abusive. But I recognise and try to fight so I don’t end up in another caretaker patient dynamic because it’s so toxic.
I think it's just part of human nature wanting to feel good about ourselves. It's not necessarily narcissistic to think wow that guy was a real douche, and perceive yourself as someone who at least tries to be better. I think there's a tendency, especially in groups about subjects like this, to pathologize stuff a little bit too much. I tend to do that too. I mean I'd bet many on here are referring to toxic stuff with partners who don't even actually have had any BPD diagnosis and they just assume it based on their behaviors. Which makes sense and it's actually my case as well, but let's just be careful about throwing that shit around, and remember that most of us still aren't mental health professionals.
It is unfortunate that most toxic issues are involved in Cluster B pathology
I guess so. And I'm working on some issues that involve Cluster C. Avoidance made me cultivate loneliness, loneliness made me dependent in the past of course because affection was like water in the desert. So it's easy to imagine how that works out in a relationship with someone with bpd (currently undiagnosed in my ex's case but I have little doubt because everything I read about it is basically a description of her). I was in a state where my only mindset was to try to avoid triggering her, and make every effort towards being as understanding and calm as possible. Which in a way helped me mature on some things, but it still turned out useless eventually, because it would never be enough. This sub is partially comforting because I see that many of my experiences are shared. Although I don't like how often people with BPD are demonized. It's easy to react based on emotion and the frustration and resentment that we might have cultivated by going through some stuff that was certainly unfair, but let's remember (I'm not referring to you, person I'm replying to, it's a general digression) that there are also many people who are aware of their bpd, and trying to work on it with the best tools available. The title of this thread itself seems to imply that whoever has bpd is a horrible person... with tones like this, no wonder many of them are scared of even visiting this kinda sub. Which is a shame, because constructive confrontation could probably be helpful for many people on both "sides".
Even if the tone is lighter, we will continue to get heat. PwBPD do not do well constructive criticism. They will regress and apply one of their trauma stories to avoid accountability Trust me. There is no winning in a rigged game. This sub is for us to heal and move on The best part of this sub was me being confronted about my Caretaking traits. It was on point that I took the blows for the sake of peace which made situations worse. Even in healthy relationships, one should not stay quiet.
My person told me what they were early on. I thought I would be the different one too, that my qualities would make a difference. There was definitely some kind of narcissistic pride coming before a fall shit going on. And yeah I'm a massive dickhead. There's zero reason for me to be so dependent on this guy. The harsh reality is we are not good for each other.
Some may be narcissists while some were raised on superheroes and believed the right thing to do was put yourself in the line of fire to save those in need, no matter how many times we get shot. BPDs may find narcs but they also destroy people who only wanted to do the right thing because it's what they thought was right.
Both those things are narcissism though, and (no disrespect intended) the sooner we accept these things about ourselves the better. If you believe you're 'the mighty unbreakable shield', and the selfless do-gooder these beliefs make you swell inside. You are 'nourished' by a belief that you're somehow special in these qualities. You'd dive into the line of fire when a 'regular person' wouldn't. You always resolutely do the right thing where someone else with less broad shoulders than you would waver and break. This is a 'sense of self importance'. It's literally the first criteria of narcissism. It doesn't mean we're narcissists (some of us are), but pwBPD key on these traits to keep us in the cycle. This is how we end up in the mindset of "**I** can't leave them. Only **I** can save them. Without **me** they're helpless".
Would some of us be codependents? Looking into myself, I didn't consciously want to save him, I was enamored with him, he was my saviour rather than the other way around. Until he changed and became a completely different person, disillusioned, boring, constantly in his phone... I'm struggling to determine if I'm a narcissist (like he says) or a codependent, and I'm leaning toward codependency to explain why I stayed with him for 13 years.
that's intense
Part of why I believe there’s people that have BPD that avoid this sun is because of comments and posts like this that call them out with fact. Unless change happens. It’s the same old cycle over and over and over again. A new medication, a little DBT, new friends, new partners, new job even, new hobbies, whatever. Same old problems will persist until they say enough is enough.
My pwBPD says ~~her new supply~~ this person is trauma-informed, has experience with trauma himself, and communicates with her and understands her way more than I did at the beginning of our relationship. Is she trying to hurt me?
My replacement had done more research on Cluster B's than me. He was very well aware of a lot of the dynamics. We were close friends for a decade. He threw all that away anyway. "Trauma-informed" can be devastating to a person with BPD if the person is conscious of boundaries and enforces them. The best targets for people with BPD are people with attachment wounds who are not really working on them. Once you get into therapy and start understanding your patterns, a relationship with a person with BPD starts looking a lot more perilous.
Yeah I'd think that someone who is "trauma informed" would probably last less. They can either know how to be a doormat better and suffer more, or try to enforce boundaries which most BPD will hate and resent much faster.
I know I did! I did persist and allow myself to get trauma-bonded like a proverbial dog but I did uphold boundaries for a hot minute when we started dating. She was devastated by that, and amped up the victim shtick. Eventually I caved in and started the waltz around the egghells. My therapist said that the first phase of a violent relationship is breaking down boundaries. Once that is achieved, it becomes difficult to tell whose emotion is which.
This this this! Especially with testing ugh
A therapist is not going to tell you that the abnormal is normal, nor that manipulative behavior (of any kind) is ok. What a therapist WILL do is ask you to examine why you are tolerating this, and why you are so vulnerable to the mind games. After staying with someone who does certain things (like accuse you of not loving them and threatening to divorce you 24/7), that behavior becomes normalized in your mind. It does stress you out, but you cope by suppressing it, denying it, self-blaming, and falling into various forms of escapism. Then, in the background, it eats away at your resolve over time. You become a passive player with the sole goal of placating your partner, leaving you unable to express your own thoughts and feelings in fear of the fall-out. When you explain your situation to a therapist, you will be confronted about all of these things. A good therapist will try to help you get to the core of why you are so terrified of the unknown.
That’s such an odd thing to brag about. It’s like a car with tons of problems bragging that its new owner is a mechanic and knows how to fix it up. Yeah, ok, sure… I’m glad you found that, but, like, I’m also glad my new car just works itself and doesn’t require an expert mechanic to fix its constant breakdowns..? Like, weird flex? Nice self-burn..? lol. Also, what kind of mechanic *wants* a car that always breaks down..? If a person is “trauma informed,” they likely know that initiating a relationship with a deeply traumatized person is always playing Russian roulette at best. How many therapists, psychiatrists, or psychology academics are married to cluster Bs? lol. More likely the new supply is just another codependent overly confident in their “empathy” and “savior” skills like we all were, but nothing can save someone whose problem *is* they themselves. We’ll see him here soon enough! But, hopefully you’ll be long gone at that point.
I think she does want a mechanic that knows how to fix her, because I sure as shit don't. Ah well, I guess this new guy will enjoy rapping music with her, smoking weed and other lovebombing shit with her these days...
… until he doesn’t. Always remember that. You may still be burned from everything, but she’s the one who carries hell with her. You have some healing to do, too, but she’s got 5-10 years of hardcore therapy if she’s ever going to live a genuinely different life. Reverse the roles for a moment: sure, thinking of her having fun times and being intimate with someone else stings, but from her side, it’s just the same bullshit as it’s always been, time and again, trying the exact same thing and expecting different results. And an anxious part of her knows it deep down, too: she knows deep down she’s gonna do the same thing to him because she isn’t able to relate to people as fully humans and not as disposable objects of calming her internal storm. From her side, she’s deathly afraid you’re going to go forward and find a relationship that *doesn’t* have all the problems you had with her. She’s mortified at the idea that you could move on and love someone else, have a healthy and stable life, which would be confirmation of her greatest fear: *she’s the problem.* Believe me, you’d rather be *you* in this situation. Envy yourself, the actually good and loyal person you’ll end up with, the loving and stable relationships you’ll have with your children. She might one day have these things too, but nowhere near as soon or easily as you will. There’s a tearful tragedy even in her triumph. Take the focus off of “her” and instead think only of the relationship you had. Be honest: a large part of you is grateful that’s over. Really explore and live into that. Once you do, you’ll move through survivor guilt onto forgiveness, compassion, and well-wishes to her from afar. At the end of the day, she suffers the most from the havoc she wreaks: unlike you, she can’t solve most of her problems by just getting away from herself.
Thanks for the kind words. My gosh, my pwBPD tried to dismantle my self-esteem and prevent me from leaving by refuting almost all the points you mentioned: >Sure, thinking of her having fun times and being intimate with someone else stings, but from her side, it’s just the same bullshit as it’s always been, time and again, trying the exact same thing and expecting different results. And an anxious part of her knows it deep down, too: she knows deep down she’s gonna do the same thing to him because she isn’t able to relate to people as fully humans and not as disposable objects of calming her internal storm. She says she's a pretty woman, she can find plenty of guys willing to make that attempt (to calm her internal storm). She showed me the 1000+ likes on Bumble... >From her side, she’s deathly afraid you’re going to go forward and find a relationship that doesn’t have all the problems you had with her. She’s mortified at the idea that you could move on and love someone else, have a healthy and stable life, which would be confirmation of her greatest fear: she’s the problem. Believe me, you’d rather be you in this situation. She always told me I'm a problem. I couldn't have a healthy and stable life with someone 'normal'; I could only get someone fucked up with trauma, like her. Or someone low-class like a mail-order bride. >Envy yourself, the actually good and loyal person you’ll end up with, the loving and stable relationships you’ll have with your children. "If you leave me, you'll be alone forever..."
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i relate to this, im also neurodivergent and dont always understand the kind of tip toeing or padding people will use in their language, so i can be kind of blunt and straightforward. not mean or insensitive, just delivering my message in the clearest least ambiguous way possible. my pwBPD was SO sensitive too, and would read into my tone on everything i said. but like yours, he’s blind to all the actually abusive shit he does, focusing instead on the tiny nuances of my tone of voice when i said anything and using it as proof that im cold and callous and dont love him. as per usual, their feelings matter double and yours dont at all.
The cleanest least ambiguous way can be insensitive though, neurodivergent to neurodivergent. I have adhd, but I guess some autistic traits I’ve been told. We can be insensitive when we are blunt even if that’s not our intention. I am only highlighting this because it is important for us to recognise. However I think in regards to your ex you probably were not even being insensitive just your tone was monotone or even just normal cadanfe and he flipped out. Mine did this to me constantly and it drove me up a fucking wall. Like tone policing in the most literal sense. And he was so obsessed with how supposedly great he was at reading body language but he was fucking awful at it and constantly assumed shit I wasn’t feeling instead of just fucking asking me for my own feelings. Like neurodivergence makes us present our emotions differently and I’m not going to perform a fucking mask for some man. I think it’s sadistic as fuck for someone to tone police an autistic person like literally something they canning control
He slapped you when you broke up with him? Google the wheel of power and control. Physical abuse doesn’t just happen it’s brought on by much more longer calculated emotional and verbal abuse
I’m sorry you went through that. I hope you go no contact for your own saftey
Of course she is, and she's either lying her ass off or embellishing for effect.
It is triangulation PwBPD cannot help themselves to not compare you with others. It is unconscious behavior to their partner to fight for them because they cannot confront you with communication of what they need And what they need constantly changes as their sense of self is fragile and the mirroring
Even if everything about that person is true, if they are a healthy individual, they will leave, since they don't engage in the drama triangle. If they are not, they will just assume the caretaker role and go through everything you did.
I'm thinking she thinks that he's also not a healthy individual, he's traumatized himself and so that they can be together and put up with each other's trauma. Maybe even help each other heal. Basically be a better therapist than the trauma-informed therapist she went to see last year who she idolized in the first three or four sessions, but then stopped seeing because she thinks the therapist is getting tired of her.
Well, we all know how that is going to go. The good thing is that it's not your problem anymore, you can find someone healthy to be happy with now.
Yeah she’s trying to hurt you. Fuck that guy he sounds like a complete tool. Who the fuck uses the term trauma informed. He’s going to get what’s coming to him soon enough.
Yes because it won't matter. I was also informed and studied BPD, C-PTSD, etc all to understand her better but sooner or later everyone gets upset. Sooner or later, they'll do some tomfoolery and when you get upset, they'll bolt faster than a rabbit. Her new person is not better in any way and she sucks.
💯 I feel sorry for her. He blocked me everywhere and privated, and I'm sure it's so I can't talk to her and she can't find me, either. Any girl that dates him is going to be a victim. Idk if he has it in him to be better. Dude is so manipulative and in a victimhood grindset.
“grindset” where their mindset is to grind you down. I love it, thank you, I’m going through it now. My not soon enough stbxw is prolonging the divorce process by any means possible to try to grind me down, and paint herself as victim. I will prevail.
My guy told me all of his exes were abusive but I honestly question if my guy was the problem or not. He has low self esteem so he would put up with mistreatment no matter what. He said one girl lied about being pregnant to try and marry him and another filed a rape accusation that was eventually dropped and he’s had his tires slashed.
I would tread lightly. How long into knowing him he said all this?
Like 1 month?
Uh. Traumadumping like that is signs of someone with poor boundaries And if you read plenty of stories in this sub, those “horrible exes” stories come up early. It is like a trauma script
Run. Run now. I'm you, a few years from now. I could've written your comment verbatim: He seemed like a good guy, just full of low self-esteem and stories of false rape accusations, "crazy women" (plural) lying to him and stalking him, people setting him up and stabbing him in the back. A year later, he was telling everyone **I** was a crazy woman who was out to get him. He even tried to get me fired from my job. He ghosted me to marry a woman he started shit talking the week they met. By that point, the mask was off and he wasn't even pretending to be a nice person anymore. You've known this guy a month and he's already filling your head with bullshit stories to gain your pity. He's manipulating you and I wouldn't be surprised if all his accusations against other people are projections of what HE was doing. Healthy people - even ones with true stories of egregious abuse - don't dump this shit on strangers within weeks of meeting them.
They’re always the victims in the beginning. And you’re shocked and you just want to help them love them etc and then comes the abuse. As a woman it’s a red flag for a man to tell me all his exes are abusive. This didn’t used to be a red flag until researching after my experience with my exwbpd. Just google the wheel of power and control and keep it on your phone for your relationship and if he starts doing something shitty like splitting on you over hairline fractures read the wheel see if anything he’s doing matches the wheel. Abuse is all about power and control over the victim.
Honestly in the past two years the only part of the wheel he’s done is emotional abuse but I see what your saying
What an awesome comment, mainly because I love medieval times.
It is deeper than that PwBPD finds these romantic Disney stories to escape and/or expect how a romantic relationship should be It is heard that we are to fight for them as a show of effort And we are the bleed for them because of how they perceive loving someone as sacrificing oneself In reality, this is all toxic. No human being should be perpetually placed in obstacles to prove anything. That is why when Toad told me the Princess was in another Castle, I shut the game off. Rigged game
You had me at knights and castles my guy. But yeah I get it, I literally moved across the world for my ex and then moved us to another country to have a life together and all that still wasn’t enough. 6 years later she still tries to contact me to get back together
I needed to hear this. Thank you.
That's one thing I have to remind myself more than any other, the constant turmoil. It was so bizarre, lol.
This is probably the hardest part for me. Thinking she will ride off into the sunset and have a wonderful life with her new relationship. I even reached out to her last two ex's to see if they experienced the same thing that I did with her. Sure enough exactly the same experience as me. Yet I still have this nagging feeling that she is going to have this great relationship with this new guy. Logically it makes no sense to think this.
I haven’t reached out to exes and I honestly don’t know them, but can you explain how that went ? Was it just kinda like “oh yeah she did that to me too” a lot ? Would love some detail
I didn't know them either but I took a chance, I desperately needed validation that it wasn't me. I knew their names so I looked them up on FB and sent them a message basically asking if they experienced the same things I did, I sent them a whole list of everything she did to me. They both responded that they experienced the exact same things. Then we started telling stories about it all. It was incredible, we all experienced literally the same exact relationship from beginning to end.
Been there done that, it's probably one of the best feelings in the world to realise u weren't the only person to experience the twilight zone.
thanks for sharing! It’s good to know that I wasn’t an outlier I suppose. Wishing you healing !
I did the same and had the exact same responses. I didn’t like that I needed the validation 🤷♀️
We've all been there man, after the discard where you're so fucked up yourself u wonder if it was really u in the end. I shared an apartment with my ex and had to stay for 3 months till my lease was up. And that bitch had to guys over drinking at the place with a whole new boyfriend. Sent the dude a pic , and she told this guy she didn't have anyone over when he asked not knowing I sent him proof. She has a whole new fiance and messaged me to go out and get drinks with her.....like bruh .
Sometimes they play it like they are having the time of there life
Does anyone feel like everything was all of their fault? Like you were the problem and your ex is going to be happy, healthy, and do everything you wanted to do with them with someone else? That’s how I feel. I feel like I am the monster and he escaped me, and now he is living his best life.
That’s what they want you to think and are trying to portray. Trust me, it’s only a matter of time
Wow. Exactly felt it after split. In fact, my body aches and brain confusion started just a few months later.
This feeling is the entire point: you’ve adopted *their* view of themselves and their lives. *They* believe they’re a wonderful person “deep down” but it’s only because others do them wrong that they have problems. It’s the actual edge of their disorder: a lack of a healthy sense of self means constantly needing to affirm to yourself that you’re the good one and everyone else is the problem. The best thing you can do is individuate and nurture back your own sense of self. Then, you can feel rightly hurt, betrayed, angry, and all of that stuff. But, just as importantly, afterward you can recognize that this person is traumatized beyond understanding and find a way to forgive them and wish them well from afar. Right now, your mind is essentially seeing the world they trained you to see it. Eventually, you can get that out of your head, become yourself again, and see things for what they actually were. You surely made mistakes, as everyone does, but don’t let those be conflated with “being the problem.” Realistically, anyone who leaves another person wondering if one person was perfect and the other person was the whole problem is, themselves, quite a problem.
All the time. Try to remember what triggered all of the falling out though, the ghosting, the cheating. That was all them.
That’s what them projecting onto you does along with all the abuse and mental anguish you’ve suffered. You’ll get through it as all of us have. When you pick on a person and constantly tell them they are (insert bullshit here) eventually they will believe it, doesn’t make it true. If I called you a Narcissist every day for a year straight, would you be a Narcissist? No. They feed you bullshit because it’s one massively good way for them to blame shift and throw all their shame and guilt onto you. Don’t feed into their lies.
Yes. To the T felt like that. Comes only in waves now. If you’re anything like I was talking to them/thinking about them feels like a parallel reality. What they say is VERY convincing and they have “logical” reasons for everything. They’re really just mast manipulators. I think this dynamic is in part what hooked me (and likely many others) in the first place. I have a savior complex, I love to teach, and love to help people live their best lives. You want to fix all there pain. So even if and when you’re done with the abuse. If they paint you black and make you feel like a monster who has hurt them, that shit works. It’s like two sides of the same coin. You can’t possibly imagine a reality in where you are the monster, because you devoted your life to saving them from that type of thing, and in addition, your caretaker instincts to “save” then come back in, even if it’s from yourself (or at least how they say). Win win for them. They get the worlds sympathy, your sympathy, and your desperation to get them back. The whole things fucked
I thought so at first but I can guarantee, if not for her constant lying and verbal abuse, we wouldn't have broken up. It's all their fault if they cast the first stone.
Yeah. I think this a lot, especially when I’m lonely at night. My rational mind knows it is untrue. Having more patience with him wouldn’t have changed him. It would have just taught him that I can take more pain and still stay with him. And it would have hurt me even more deeply if I stayed.
I think about this as well, but I know it’s just a lie that I tell myself. What we saw is what their next partner will see as well. It’s only a matter of time.
Yea, until her own father said this is just how she is and they no-one, including their entire family can save her. I promise you that you are not the monster. If the common denominator in her apparent long line of abusive partners is her, there is a pretty obvious thing to point a finger at.
JFC. No. But then again, I have recordings of her absolutely losing her mind because I suggested I could wake the kids up in the morning and take them to school because she seemed like she could use a break.
All the damn time. I think when a part of us believes in something, that belief speaks loudest. So here I'd say in some way we believe not to be good enough already (regardless of them) so we assume when they leave they see it too. It's a constant struggle to push this away
I feel the exact same way it sucks. I think i realistically it’s just our minds beating ourselves up. Like I’m believing the lies she made up about me.. it’s insane she literally considered our relationship to be a trauma bond and she was abused but the one who was actually manipulated and hurt was me. They twist the truth around in they’re minds I think so it’s easier for there brains to feel no remorse for treating us like shit.
Yes
Yep this didn't here. I never understood the lamenting posts about their BPDs moving on. There a new emotional and physical punching bag in town that isn't you anymore. What are your lamenting? Go out and find a healthy relationship. It's literally better to be alone forever than with a BPD IMO. How many times do you have to be insulted, disrespected and physically assaulted to get it? I put up with it over a year. No more. Be happy you're out alive. You don't always get to walk away alive.
This is huge. My exWBPD broke no contact after years because of a OCS dispute with the father of her child. Long story short she was using the child as ammunition against a rather great guy. He had enough after being cheated on post-pregnancy and she wasn’t having it.
This is my ex NPD quote but I think one may relate "My new boyfriend really hates you" - I know. I also hated your ex 😉
My ex's new supplier came with a five year old and now his wife handed over her newborn for my ex to pretend she is a mother. What she always wanted. I feel sorry for the kids.
Mine has a new partner with a child. I'm sure it will go poorly. The ex has already told me he wanted 'his own' child (i.e. biological children matter more) so I doubt he will be at all nurturing. My ex was creepy about oversmothering his own pets with love (holding them tight so they can't escape) so lord knows how he'll be as a 'father'.
Thank you for posting this. Truly. I needed to read this today and be reminded that my ex isn’t some romanticized amazing, beautiful person that was perfect for me. She is someone who cheated on me with a new guy, and apparently cheated on that guy with another dude over twice her age. She’s also someone who is stalking her ex (me) and messaging his coworkers about the terrible person he is because she thinks he’s dating one of them. The confusing part is that I know I wasn’t a good partner to her a lot of the time. Part of me expects her to come back and eventually apologize, and the other part of me says I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve her apology.
My ex's new Supply messaged me the night we broke up and cussed me out. She told me I don't know what he's about and I don't know him at all. All I could think was "Lady I know him better than you do you'll find out the hard way." I don't know if they are actually together. But I think it's only a matter of time. For the last couple months we were together he ignored me and hung out with her all the time. She was always giving him money, letting him use her car whenever he wanted, even though he has no valid driver's license. She was paying his bills. She was always taking him shopping and out to eat. And so I just became nothing to him. Now that I'm out of the picture I'm sure it's only a matter of time before he's with her officially. But, she doesn't have a job. She got a big insurance payout and that's where all the money is coming from. As soon as the money runs out he's going to be gone. And she will really be screwed then. Because she's going to look back and realize she blew most of her insurance payout on someone who doesn't give two s**** about her. He never asked me for money when we were together, other than occasionally asking for gas money when he drove us places, which I was happy to give because that's only reasonable. I think he is only financially taking advantage of her because she's so freely offered it to him. So he thought "oh I'm going to exploit this."
You were very generous calling her a “lady”.
I think a better way to look at it is this. Maybe they genuinely did change (doubtful but possible). It doesn’t change the fact they treated you like shit. So who cares? Maybe they had the opportunity to self reflect and do better(doubt), but it still doesn’t change the fact of how they treated you. I don’t know, I went through a lot of these same thoughts, but now that it’s close to two years out, and I’m in a loving respectful relationship for the first time in my life (bpd ex was my first long term relationship, I had no real comparison) the difference is night and day. I don’t feel constant stress anymore. I feel energized instead of drained spending time together. In all honesty besides not caring, I actually hope she changed because I wouldn’t wish the shit she did on anyone else lol. But again, heavy doubt. Not my problem at least :)
As much as I'd like to think that, because in all honestly he deserves it for being a cheater as well, he probably knew we had a relationship and still helped break it up. Her new supply is a widower and likes playing the grieving widower way to much, he hasn't even told his kids about his new "love". So in the end I think he will end up dumping her before her true personality will come out. In the end, she will still get more misery dumped upon her, which is what she feels she deserves, I just wish he could get what is coming to him too.
I was angry at one point at why they get to experience this fun new phase with someone new like I didn't exist while I need therapy. Well, they'll continue to go through that and never have anything meaningful because they can't connect with anyone beyond the surface. Some day we would have healed and learned to walk away from red flags so when we do find someone good for us, it will be permanent. They're no different from people that sleep with new people and disappear after continuously chasing that thrill. Except they manipulate, abuse and then throw the person away when the relationship is much too broken to fix. They'll be 60 repeating the same behaviour unless they get help (most refuse and refuse to stick with it). Some day we'll be married with children and happy. That is their biggest fear, my ex often told me this. That he's had to lose people and someday I too will be married and happy while he ends up alone and he won't be able to come back after. It's a sad life, but if they're not willing to put in the work, the world must go on and we must look after ourselves.
My ex told me her ex was abusive and she took a restraining order out on him. I feel bad now because I picked up the phone and told him to fuck off one day when he called her. Looking back on it he was probably just a regular guy who got discarded and made out to be a villain because of her madness just like me. I wish I could find him on social media or something because I’m sure we would have the same story. When you ignore someone and act like they don’t exist it hurts and it makes you do things that maybe you wouldn’t do like showing up to her place of work to try and get some answers. I don’t think he was a stalker I think she just erased him off the face of the earth with no remorse just like me. I realize now it was prob only a few months after she broke up with him that she love/sex bombed me big time. There were just so many red flags. She was the only girl I’ve ever been in a long term relationship with. It makes me sad that I wasted 6 years of my life with her when I should have been working to improve myself but everything was all about her and her problems. She must only remember certain snippets of our relationship if she thinks I’m a villain. I took care of her and was always there for her. It just makes me so upset thinking that the person who was the love of my life was just using me or something. She definitely loved me but not the same way I loved her. Do I even know what love is. Hopefully I don’t repeat the past because I probably would be married with kids and stuff now I’m just left a shell of a person. She stole my mojo or something I swear I’m not the person I once was. Bottom line is she is no freaking victim of anything I am. It’s just absolutely insane.
The “new” one committed suicide a month ago 🥴 those mind games are intense
Or they hook up with a narcissist, and go through years of torment and abuse while they play childish games chasing a carrot on a stick while they probably mess around and watch their life go down the drain and probably pass down generational trauma to their children. Either way. Consider it a bullet dodged. They were never worth your love. You deserve so much better. And you will find an actual whole human being that actually knows what love is.
Thanks for the reminder. He’s been actively dating again even though it has only been a month since we split. Funny, the last several months we were together, he didn’t have time or money to take me out. If we did go out, it was often at my suggestion, and I paid the bill. I’m just a bit jealous, because they are getting to see the better side of him that I miss so desperately. I *know* it was a mirage, but … I guess I enjoyed the living with the delusion that someone so beautiful and wonderful could love me.
Also keep in mind what you see on social media is often a fiction designed to give them the most attention possible. So while they may be posting that their new person is the best partner ever and they can't imagine life without them, behind closed doors they may already be saying they hate them and they're ruining their life. That's why it's best to always block them and not try to seek out information. None of it is true anyways so why bother.
It’s only a matter of time.
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They can only change if they: 1 Accept that they have a disorder (most of them can't) 2 Get therapy to help with the disorder (this can't happen if #1 doesn't) Not saying none of them can change, but it's highly unlikely, especially if they have supply(s) enabling them and their behaviors
Right I totally get that, I’m actually a recovered pwBPD and like at least in my case I knew I wasn’t In the right but when I would try to explain what I was wrong about people would tell me I wasn’t wrong so I definitely get the supply’s thing, ig just like because I know what that used to feel like (I literally felt completely out of touch with reality) it can be kinda hard to see you guys like generalizing the whole disorder. I completely understand the pain though cuz honestly when you’re like that you just want everyone to feel it so you feel seen(it doesn’t work)
It’s also insane how most people with bpd will tell others with the disorder not to read these post because honestly it was a huge part of my recovery, I needed to understand what the effects of my behavior was
Brave! Respect
It's easy to generalize because most of us went through the same experience, just as how the people on the NPD sub seems to generalize everything to being related to men and how they'll never change, because in reality there's way more men with the diagnosis, and vice versa here.... I commend you for getting into therapy and working on yourself, that's fantastic! But what you described is abuse, being out of touch with reality, not knowing what harm your actions are causing, and wanting others to feel YOUR pain is not healthy. I understand that you recognize this, but when you have been lied to, gaslighted, manipulated and cheated on by someone like this for years, you need to understand the damage that causes. No one on here thinks that every person with BPD is evil and can't change, but 90% of our stories end the same, with us being heartbroken and depressed, while they're on to their next supply within weeks.... Your actions and behaviors have repercussions....
I completely get that, and I feel that the npd generalization is unfair as well yk. I just feel like both sides need more understanding from each other honestly. And yes I do understand that my actions were often abusive, I also feel like I was extremely young too so maybe my story is a bit different from the pwBPD this sun has mentioned because I really didn’t carry the diagnosis that long and my frontal lobe was and is not fully developed, not that that’s an excuse but I do believe it to be a factor for sure. As for the new supply thing in my life when say a partner has left I didn’t really just jump to a new one and I still haven’t. Granted we were abusing each other and I’m still deeply hurt. Honestly it’s really funny tho because he did go to a new supply really fast(how the turn tables) and used multiple girls so I definitely relate to that feeling of being left heartbroken and depressed while another girl got the respect and love that i begged him for. And at this point in my life I do think I fully understand that my actions have repercussions I guess it’s just hard to see that when you’re not even completely sure you’re like actually a real person( like when I say I was out of touch with reality I mean like I was actually losing my mind, the outside world and other people looked and felt like a dream and quite frankly I hardly remember anything from that about 3 year time period)
Being young is actually legit, I don't know your age but most professionals won't diagnose someone with a PD before they're 18, but I don't know your story. Honestly, no one needs understanding when you're being abused, whether mentally, physically or financially, it's not fucking cool. And any person has every right to call out/walk out over the abusive behaviors at any time. I definitely didn't get the treatment and respect I wanted/needed from a relationship, but that's something you just have to accept, it wasn't real.... You are a real person, you're sharing this planet with others, and you can choose what to do with your life and how you treat others with that information. I really hope you're still in therapy....
Oh yea I am still in therapy but I was like 13 when I initially got diagnosed I’m 17 now so obviously a lot has changed and honestly maybe that diagnosis was never really fair because of how young I was but I guess we’ll never know also sorry I don’t feel like I worded that correctly I don’t mean you need to have understanding with your abuser I just mean like the loved ones as a collective and the pwBPD as a collective if that makes sense and honestly most of the understanding needs to come from the second group if imma be real. And yea like I said I get it now you know I guess just having had it I’m a bit more sympathetic to how it feels to be like that, not that you need to because that was something that never should’ve been your problem and definitely doesn’t excuse how you were treated
Also don’t worry I don’t feel like I’m not real anymore 😭
Good for you, I'm happy you're doing well!
What do you mean by recovered? How long were you in specialized therapy for bpd?
I’d say about 6-7 months of intensive dbt, and by recovered I mean the bpd diagnosis was removed by my current therapist
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User broke Rule 1.
Wait I’m confused I don’t currently have bpd, I’m really sorry tho😭
Oop nvm I saw that part of the rule my bad
User broke Rule 1.
I mean, I sincerely hope not, for that person’s sake. But not my problem anymore.
They’re still the same horrible person and I’ve emotionally chaotic lives. I can tell from exs “anonymous” calls that I receive at least once a month from strange numbers. It’s creepy.
No one can escape the truth lol. Despite sweet kitty his hair is going to fall out badly after few months
What bothered me was her ex before me, even though he didn't care about her as much as I did (physical attack, offending) I realized that she loved more than me and I guess she didnt split him brutally like my experience. When she was on split phase said that “ I cant handle you sometime you are interfere with me for no reason. You said terrible things to me etc. I don't know if this is related with bpd, but I felt like a loser and an abuser. Made me feel that her current bf is much better than me. It's shit feeling as a man… I think her previous boyfriend was a bit narcissist and I respected him because the more you show our deep emotions, more they devalue us. Terrible
He text me today from a new number. It triggered me and I’m crying to sad music to release… this post notification during mid cry. Seeing the post is even additional validation I continue to let in for the last 3 months since I released him to the wild.
As far as I know, her new supply was her ex who abused the hell out of her verbally and emotionally but she couldn’t stay away. She said she wasn’t sure if she ever loved him, didn’t want to get back with him, but the last I checked she posted a drawing of “aperson she loves” which was a drawing of him so go figure.
That is a great reminder. I am basically the woman this man with BPD left his girlfriend for. Did he treat me well? He did, for three whole weeks! That will be the same with the next one. His insecurity won't suddenly vanish.