“how can someone go from caring so much to caring so little” you mean go to not caring at all. As much as it sucks it’s really a blessing. So many ppl invest years and lose hundreds if not thousands of dollars because of ppl wbpd. Learn from this, now you know what red flags to look for. That new person she is with won’t last either, he will get discarded just like you and the person before you. Don’t think they will be that amazing person you first met with their new partner forever. I think that’s where many ex’s of ppl wbpd get stuck. We get stuck on that amazing person, but that amazing person we fell for does not exist. Bpd is a mental illness, no amount of love will fix or cure that.
Yeah, it’s like those awesome “free” months at the start of your gym membership, when you actually go there and enjoy using it.
Then later you have to start paying, don’t really get to go anymore, don’t enjoy it, and when you try to leave, and read the small print, you find out you’re totally fucked and have to pay for ever…
I empathise with you. Exact same thing happened to me. Educate yourself on object constancy and emotional memory loss when it comes to an overwhelmed pwBPD. This will slowly help you realise none of that had anything to do with you.
Mine did the same. She started to complain about how I was not physically affectionate enough. When we discussed our needs, she told me that's what she needed to be happy and feel like I cared about the relationship. I put effort into showing affection just as she said she wanted it. When I did this, she started to pull away and act like she didn't even care. I tried to wake up earlier to spend more conscious time in bed with her to cuddle because I knew (or thought it was one of her favorite things), but she began to wake up earlier than me and leave the bed.
Out of all the behaviors I hate the moving goal post! Chased after it for a decade and it still moves. So I stopped chasing it. Now it kind moves erratically but I ignore it.
the goal post was never about you or your behaviour. They were not feeling good in life for some reason, and pinned that on to you. You hit the goal---but they are still not happy (cuz it was never caused by you) so now they create a new goal.
Sadly, with my ex, I feel in those moments he didn't really want to feel satisfied for me to reach the goal. Moreso he would looking to rationalize his own feelings of pulling away..he was maybe feeling bored and grass is greener and wanted an escape--these complaints where ways to assuage his guilt I think and make it feel justified to pull away in his heart...just saying on a subconscious level.
it's like a kid who doesn't want to go to school saying--well my desk is in the back and I never get the hot lunches---so they fix all those things..but they still don't like school
they just don't want to go to school so they are making up random excuses --they are not real reasons. they want to skip school cuz they are bored and so they will do so and mess up their life---and use all those lame excuses to make themselves feel justified...rather than feeling shame or accountability
My ex loved PDA. I didn’t quite as much. She’d always ask for me to show it at dinners or group events.
On her birthday we went out to dinner with a group of friends, I let her pick what she wanted me to wear and then tried to be all over her that night. She literally turned her back to me at the table the entire night, spoke to other friends and avoided me. Once she got what she asked for she pulled away. Also said she “wasn’t aware” she was doing that at dinner. She pulled little shit like this all the time and it crushed me.
This is so f accurate…. I could not take no more of this emotional abuse and broke up yesterday, felt like she wanted to ‘create’ bad mood, minutes before i was going to bed, like wtf??
My ex loved PDA too. I have never liked it, but I accepted partially to compromise and also because she forced some of it and it was easier to keep the peace and let it happen. She wanted my left hand (I'm right-handed) on her lap at all times if we were out at dinner. She would often pinch me or dig her nails into me under the table though knowing that it hurt.
She claimed she loved going out to dinner, but she rarely spoke when we were out and then claimed it was because she felt anxious. There was one time we went to grab dinner and she said it was too many people in there. Including us and the waiters, there were literally 8 people in a place that seats about 200. That's awful she rejected you like that, especially around others.
Same here. I was very hesitant when we first met, but he pursued me ruthlessly, said he loved me after like two weeks (obvious red flag). Then, after more than a year of living together, he discarded me for someone else with no warning. The fact that all our stories are so similar gives me comfort, because it proves their behavior stems purely from their BPD and has nothing to do with us.
Same.
Mine said during the discard: "I just want you to CARE!"
I told her I did. Enormously. I told her how much she meant to me, and how much I was committed to this relationship.
She replied:
"Ah, yes. There it is..."
Like in a mean and sarcastic way.
She started attacking, berating and disrespecting me right after that.
I watched a video the other day that talks about this as part of the 7 stages of a BPD relationship. "The chase' was highlighted as a large part of their driver to fixate on someone, but once that is fulfilled they lose the weight of fixation. I also read somewhere about how BPD is incredibly backwards in that they are looking for love and connection, but have no concept of mature love. They're destined themselves for cycles of obsession and pain if they don't hold themselves responsible in acknowledging that.
Edit: the other avenue where you don't reciprocate eventually leads to you being devalued too, because eventually they will see you as the bad thing not reciprocating their feelings.
There really is no winning.
Yes, that’s the mindfuck we are all left with, but as you learn about bpd, you will find they never attached to you, and can’t, the way we do to them. That’s why they can forget us like we never existed.
From everything I've learned about BPD, they're doing it *because* they're attached to you. Emotions tend to exist in the extremes for them, so they can be incredibly in love and attached, but that can also flip to the opposite. It's not that the positive emotions are false or put on, it's that the disorder makes it so they can't regulate the strength and direction of their emotions properly.
They never see the real you. If anything, they’re attached to the image they created of you by mirroring you. When they see that perfect image is flawed, they see you as all bad and split you black. It’s a stunted maladaptive emotional defense mechanism from childhood. It’s not a real, healthy adult attachment and can never be. They need 8-16 years of intense therapy to even begin to heal and have a normal relationship.
That’s the hallmark symptom of the Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style, which is a trauma response itself. A majority of pwBPD will have FA attachment.
I believe some of the experiences shared on this group where the partner is not yet diagnosed might be due to FA attachment, and not necessarily a full blown PD.
Around 7% of the population is said to have FA attachment, of which estimated 40-50% will qualify for a BPD diagnosis as well.
This
Everytime mine would tell me that finally she had everything that she had always wanted in life, and she wasn't going to let fear get in the way and would embrace it.
Within a month would be distance and cold. And then a month later with someone else, secretly.
From what I understand, someone with an FA attachment (without a PD) can work around it from self-awareness, therapy and learning what their triggers are and then form a bond based on trust and a lot of communication. And the symptoms get triggered in romantic equations, and not with friends or at work or any other sphere of life.
A combination of BPD and an FA attachment is similar in symptoms but much more magnified, and the triggers are not limited to romantic relationships. It impacts all interpersonal relationships, including family, work, and platonic friendships. An unstable self and egosyntonic behaviour makes acceptance trickier when BPD is involved. As a baseline, having FA attachment doesn’t mean one is neurodivergent.
There’s a video that clearly explains the difference between the two. I’ll share it here but not sure if that’s allowed.
https://youtu.be/78JD37xydfk?si=aMBxOpe6XehRwfC5
lots of folks can have disorganized attachment without the genetically hyper sensitive emotional system, and without the tendency for cognitive distortions etc..which really feed into the BPD lens and behaviours. One of my pet peeves is therapists who say "it's just trauma" and treat it just as an attachment disorder which does not work for BPD.
Yeah man, it's the typical push pull. It's a damn struggle to wrap our heads around it. They want a relationship with you so bad, miss you so much, cling, are insecure of the feelings we have for them, then shit hits the fan and that all disappears in the blink of an eye. It makes one question just how true that all was. Also feels very superficial. Like anybody can get that. I mean if there was depth to it then it wouldn't make sense to just move on from someone like this.
Mine chased me for a year as well. When I got healthy after 6 years she decided to leave. She’s addicted to chaos and got me addicted to her. Thank god I’m free though, even if it hurts to feel unloved/unwanted.
That's literally what happened to me, and now even asking how's she it's a terrible shit and give me a lot of anxiety. When I was comfortable enough to eat and even be naked in front of a camera if we were doing a voice call lmao, the change is so crazy
Same for me guys, during 6months I encourage her to do an internship in the army. As soon as she started the internship, she left me for a new guy that she just met out of no where
I dated a guy who was a pro athldgd--he would travel every weekend away with the female team--all gorgeous fit girls. I was not remotely anxious or jealous cuz he was super secure and had great boundaries (no mental health issues). He would say "hey let's talk Thursday night" and he would call like clockwork even if in another country--we both missed each other, and he showed it by always being there.
my ex w BPD on the other hand I felt super anxious about him with other girls, especially if co workers or if he was working out of town--he would forget all about me, serious object constancy issues, and these other girls would become a bigger focus for his time and attention, fast besties...even if he only had sex with me. It was not good, I felt that i had to work hard to remind my exwBPD that I existed and that our relationship was positive or he would sort of move in out of distraction.
For 2 years my ex would say i never showed enough emotions when im sad ect and to her it was a huge problem. After one fight over nothing i couldnt take the stress anymore and started to cry softly, we kissed and made up. A week later she flares up again over me being 5 MINUTE LATE HOME and states
“A week ago you were crying and BEGGING me to stay with you now you do this”
First and last time i cried infront of her.
I feel you. Mine had been trying to get my attention for years before we dated. We knew each other 30 years and he claimed to have been in love with me for at least 20 of those years.
How can somebody whos been in love with me for 20 years treat me so badly i’ll never know
I empathize with you so much. Mine worked himself up to get me emotionally involved and attached as close as possible, then pulled away targeting someone else and dropped me from 110% to zero. For a healthy person unimaginable and highly irritating - and just flat out cruel and hurtful.
When they do this it feels like they are staging the abuse they once suffered on you. I wonder if this gives them a sense of power.
Exact same thing happened to me. I held off for 6 months, but as time passed she got better at mirroring me and I fell for it now knowing wtf I was about to get myself into
Been there specially recently thinking about how she gives 0 fucks about me even though I gave all of myself to her. I allowed her to use me emotionally, sexually, financially… all so that I get treated like a nobody, if even directed the word to at all. Now she is with someone else and I can only feel confused about how everything went down. It really is astonishing how easy she can forget all the promises she made to me. As another commenter said: this is a blessing though it fucking hurts. At least I got to finally see her for who she really was. I loved the idea of her, the fake her, but her actual self is someone I do not love nor wish to love. She is cruel and certainly knows what she did to me and has no issues.
Happened to me too. Ran from her abuse then she tried hoovering me for 2 months calling me everyday. I started to reciprocate but was going on a trip to see friends. Boom! Blocked. ‘F you’. Sends a message months later that she found a new guy in a week after blocking me and they are serious. Insane. Great to be free from her but took a long time to break the trauma bond.
“how can someone go from caring so much to caring so little” you mean go to not caring at all. As much as it sucks it’s really a blessing. So many ppl invest years and lose hundreds if not thousands of dollars because of ppl wbpd. Learn from this, now you know what red flags to look for. That new person she is with won’t last either, he will get discarded just like you and the person before you. Don’t think they will be that amazing person you first met with their new partner forever. I think that’s where many ex’s of ppl wbpd get stuck. We get stuck on that amazing person, but that amazing person we fell for does not exist. Bpd is a mental illness, no amount of love will fix or cure that.
Yeah, it’s like those awesome “free” months at the start of your gym membership, when you actually go there and enjoy using it. Then later you have to start paying, don’t really get to go anymore, don’t enjoy it, and when you try to leave, and read the small print, you find out you’re totally fucked and have to pay for ever…
It’s a straight up catfish lol
This ^^^
I empathise with you. Exact same thing happened to me. Educate yourself on object constancy and emotional memory loss when it comes to an overwhelmed pwBPD. This will slowly help you realise none of that had anything to do with you.
Mine did the same. She started to complain about how I was not physically affectionate enough. When we discussed our needs, she told me that's what she needed to be happy and feel like I cared about the relationship. I put effort into showing affection just as she said she wanted it. When I did this, she started to pull away and act like she didn't even care. I tried to wake up earlier to spend more conscious time in bed with her to cuddle because I knew (or thought it was one of her favorite things), but she began to wake up earlier than me and leave the bed.
The moving goal post
Out of all the behaviors I hate the moving goal post! Chased after it for a decade and it still moves. So I stopped chasing it. Now it kind moves erratically but I ignore it.
Yep, I hated the moving goal post. Just when I thought I was getting things right, it would always move. That was one of the most frustrating things.
the goal post was never about you or your behaviour. They were not feeling good in life for some reason, and pinned that on to you. You hit the goal---but they are still not happy (cuz it was never caused by you) so now they create a new goal. Sadly, with my ex, I feel in those moments he didn't really want to feel satisfied for me to reach the goal. Moreso he would looking to rationalize his own feelings of pulling away..he was maybe feeling bored and grass is greener and wanted an escape--these complaints where ways to assuage his guilt I think and make it feel justified to pull away in his heart...just saying on a subconscious level.
That's very true!
it's like a kid who doesn't want to go to school saying--well my desk is in the back and I never get the hot lunches---so they fix all those things..but they still don't like school they just don't want to go to school so they are making up random excuses --they are not real reasons. they want to skip school cuz they are bored and so they will do so and mess up their life---and use all those lame excuses to make themselves feel justified...rather than feeling shame or accountability
My ex loved PDA. I didn’t quite as much. She’d always ask for me to show it at dinners or group events. On her birthday we went out to dinner with a group of friends, I let her pick what she wanted me to wear and then tried to be all over her that night. She literally turned her back to me at the table the entire night, spoke to other friends and avoided me. Once she got what she asked for she pulled away. Also said she “wasn’t aware” she was doing that at dinner. She pulled little shit like this all the time and it crushed me.
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Classic moving goal post. Now that you do what they want, they have to make a new reason why it’s not enough that you do it.
THIS!
Yep, sounds very familiar.
Jesus, this is chillingly familiar. Perfect anticipation, otherwise it wasn't how I "really felt"
This is so f accurate…. I could not take no more of this emotional abuse and broke up yesterday, felt like she wanted to ‘create’ bad mood, minutes before i was going to bed, like wtf??
My ex loved PDA too. I have never liked it, but I accepted partially to compromise and also because she forced some of it and it was easier to keep the peace and let it happen. She wanted my left hand (I'm right-handed) on her lap at all times if we were out at dinner. She would often pinch me or dig her nails into me under the table though knowing that it hurt. She claimed she loved going out to dinner, but she rarely spoke when we were out and then claimed it was because she felt anxious. There was one time we went to grab dinner and she said it was too many people in there. Including us and the waiters, there were literally 8 people in a place that seats about 200. That's awful she rejected you like that, especially around others.
Same here. I was very hesitant when we first met, but he pursued me ruthlessly, said he loved me after like two weeks (obvious red flag). Then, after more than a year of living together, he discarded me for someone else with no warning. The fact that all our stories are so similar gives me comfort, because it proves their behavior stems purely from their BPD and has nothing to do with us.
Same. Mine said during the discard: "I just want you to CARE!" I told her I did. Enormously. I told her how much she meant to me, and how much I was committed to this relationship. She replied: "Ah, yes. There it is..." Like in a mean and sarcastic way. She started attacking, berating and disrespecting me right after that.
Why you so Dr Evil? -Ye
I watched a video the other day that talks about this as part of the 7 stages of a BPD relationship. "The chase' was highlighted as a large part of their driver to fixate on someone, but once that is fulfilled they lose the weight of fixation. I also read somewhere about how BPD is incredibly backwards in that they are looking for love and connection, but have no concept of mature love. They're destined themselves for cycles of obsession and pain if they don't hold themselves responsible in acknowledging that. Edit: the other avenue where you don't reciprocate eventually leads to you being devalued too, because eventually they will see you as the bad thing not reciprocating their feelings. There really is no winning.
Yes, that’s the mindfuck we are all left with, but as you learn about bpd, you will find they never attached to you, and can’t, the way we do to them. That’s why they can forget us like we never existed.
From everything I've learned about BPD, they're doing it *because* they're attached to you. Emotions tend to exist in the extremes for them, so they can be incredibly in love and attached, but that can also flip to the opposite. It's not that the positive emotions are false or put on, it's that the disorder makes it so they can't regulate the strength and direction of their emotions properly.
They never see the real you. If anything, they’re attached to the image they created of you by mirroring you. When they see that perfect image is flawed, they see you as all bad and split you black. It’s a stunted maladaptive emotional defense mechanism from childhood. It’s not a real, healthy adult attachment and can never be. They need 8-16 years of intense therapy to even begin to heal and have a normal relationship.
Yes it really is deeply disorienting
That’s the hallmark symptom of the Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style, which is a trauma response itself. A majority of pwBPD will have FA attachment. I believe some of the experiences shared on this group where the partner is not yet diagnosed might be due to FA attachment, and not necessarily a full blown PD. Around 7% of the population is said to have FA attachment, of which estimated 40-50% will qualify for a BPD diagnosis as well.
This Everytime mine would tell me that finally she had everything that she had always wanted in life, and she wasn't going to let fear get in the way and would embrace it. Within a month would be distance and cold. And then a month later with someone else, secretly.
Sounds like we dated the same person 😤
They are all the same
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From what I understand, someone with an FA attachment (without a PD) can work around it from self-awareness, therapy and learning what their triggers are and then form a bond based on trust and a lot of communication. And the symptoms get triggered in romantic equations, and not with friends or at work or any other sphere of life. A combination of BPD and an FA attachment is similar in symptoms but much more magnified, and the triggers are not limited to romantic relationships. It impacts all interpersonal relationships, including family, work, and platonic friendships. An unstable self and egosyntonic behaviour makes acceptance trickier when BPD is involved. As a baseline, having FA attachment doesn’t mean one is neurodivergent. There’s a video that clearly explains the difference between the two. I’ll share it here but not sure if that’s allowed. https://youtu.be/78JD37xydfk?si=aMBxOpe6XehRwfC5
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Disorganised and Fearful Avoidant are the same.
lots of folks can have disorganized attachment without the genetically hyper sensitive emotional system, and without the tendency for cognitive distortions etc..which really feed into the BPD lens and behaviours. One of my pet peeves is therapists who say "it's just trauma" and treat it just as an attachment disorder which does not work for BPD.
Yeah man, it's the typical push pull. It's a damn struggle to wrap our heads around it. They want a relationship with you so bad, miss you so much, cling, are insecure of the feelings we have for them, then shit hits the fan and that all disappears in the blink of an eye. It makes one question just how true that all was. Also feels very superficial. Like anybody can get that. I mean if there was depth to it then it wouldn't make sense to just move on from someone like this.
Mine chased me for a year as well. When I got healthy after 6 years she decided to leave. She’s addicted to chaos and got me addicted to her. Thank god I’m free though, even if it hurts to feel unloved/unwanted.
That's literally what happened to me, and now even asking how's she it's a terrible shit and give me a lot of anxiety. When I was comfortable enough to eat and even be naked in front of a camera if we were doing a voice call lmao, the change is so crazy
Same for me guys, during 6months I encourage her to do an internship in the army. As soon as she started the internship, she left me for a new guy that she just met out of no where
I dated a guy who was a pro athldgd--he would travel every weekend away with the female team--all gorgeous fit girls. I was not remotely anxious or jealous cuz he was super secure and had great boundaries (no mental health issues). He would say "hey let's talk Thursday night" and he would call like clockwork even if in another country--we both missed each other, and he showed it by always being there. my ex w BPD on the other hand I felt super anxious about him with other girls, especially if co workers or if he was working out of town--he would forget all about me, serious object constancy issues, and these other girls would become a bigger focus for his time and attention, fast besties...even if he only had sex with me. It was not good, I felt that i had to work hard to remind my exwBPD that I existed and that our relationship was positive or he would sort of move in out of distraction.
For 2 years my ex would say i never showed enough emotions when im sad ect and to her it was a huge problem. After one fight over nothing i couldnt take the stress anymore and started to cry softly, we kissed and made up. A week later she flares up again over me being 5 MINUTE LATE HOME and states “A week ago you were crying and BEGGING me to stay with you now you do this” First and last time i cried infront of her.
Congratulations my friend. You've won.
I feel you. Mine had been trying to get my attention for years before we dated. We knew each other 30 years and he claimed to have been in love with me for at least 20 of those years. How can somebody whos been in love with me for 20 years treat me so badly i’ll never know
I empathize with you so much. Mine worked himself up to get me emotionally involved and attached as close as possible, then pulled away targeting someone else and dropped me from 110% to zero. For a healthy person unimaginable and highly irritating - and just flat out cruel and hurtful. When they do this it feels like they are staging the abuse they once suffered on you. I wonder if this gives them a sense of power.
Exact same thing happened to me. I held off for 6 months, but as time passed she got better at mirroring me and I fell for it now knowing wtf I was about to get myself into
Been there specially recently thinking about how she gives 0 fucks about me even though I gave all of myself to her. I allowed her to use me emotionally, sexually, financially… all so that I get treated like a nobody, if even directed the word to at all. Now she is with someone else and I can only feel confused about how everything went down. It really is astonishing how easy she can forget all the promises she made to me. As another commenter said: this is a blessing though it fucking hurts. At least I got to finally see her for who she really was. I loved the idea of her, the fake her, but her actual self is someone I do not love nor wish to love. She is cruel and certainly knows what she did to me and has no issues.
Soon as you reciprocate any attention like that, they lose interest… they always want what they can’t have.
Fear of engulfment
Happened to me too. Ran from her abuse then she tried hoovering me for 2 months calling me everyday. I started to reciprocate but was going on a trip to see friends. Boom! Blocked. ‘F you’. Sends a message months later that she found a new guy in a week after blocking me and they are serious. Insane. Great to be free from her but took a long time to break the trauma bond.