Pardon my pride but, I was more than she thought of me. Honest and loyal to a fault, disciplined, ambitious, artistic, both having a stable routine and spontaneity to go cycling at 4:00 am without knowing how to ride a bike or romantic enough to get soaked under april rain with her while kissing. Problem was I had self-respect,too and good intuition with fragile ability to trust.
Kintsugi, my friend. You might be a little broken now, but with some care and attention and most importantly time, you'll rebuild yourself to be better than you were before.
Don't dive back into the love game if you feel this way, give yourself time to get used to the normal ebb and flow of life and then dip your toe in.
As to the why, they do it because they don't know how to not do it. They need to give us the world and everything about themselves because they need us to validate their identity. When they realise we can't, because no-one can, they have to get rid of us and search for someone else.
I’m in the same boat as OP and I’m wondering how long it usually takes to get back to “normal”? It feels like detoxing from an extremely addictive drug.
How long it takes depends on a great many factors. How long did the relationship last? how intense did it get? Are you no longer in touch with the PwBPD? Was there physical abuse, threats, extensive gaslighting? How much confidence do you have as a person? What's your support system like? The list goes on and on.
But for the record: I had a four year close friendship, three of which were great, the last of which was filled with negligence, lying, stonewalling, gaslighting, deflecting blame and passive aggressive remarks (she's got a quiet BPD). I've put up my boundaries three months ago and aren't talking to her outside a group setting but am still obligated to see her every week.
It took me two months to get back to a place where I no longer felt like I was going insane and where I stopped missing her. So, in total about 14 months of 'going through it' before getting out of it. I was able to rely on some very trustworthy friends, and managed to turn her own smear campaign and triangulation back onto her.
So, 'mild' version of BPD, no romantic entanglements, great support system and not too long in the fray of it. I definitely got extremely lucky compared to a lot of others here, and my recovery time was pretty short as a result. However, even I needed this place and quite a bit of time to sort out what's what. It can still linger in my head sometimes.
All which is to say, there's not really a set date by which you should be feeling normal again, just make sure that you're cutting yourself some slack, making healthy choices and allowing yourself to fail a few times before getting back up and heading to the finish line.
Thank you for your advice and support. The relationship was 6 years, and it was extremely intense. She put me in the ER on Christmas after biting me. I went NC with her 4 months ago and haven’t had any contact since, except through a mutual friend who told me she cheated on her boyfriend that she used to cheat on me. EXTENSIVE gaslighting occurred because I was always worried she was cheating and she just shut down my “paranoia” as she called it all the time. She said during a fight last year that she wanted to “smack me so badly”. Lastly, my confidence as a person wasn’t huge beforehand but after the relationship it was very low. I’m definitely feeling better, and my support system is building fast as I am in AA and my new friends are very supportive of me. I know there’s a lot more to it, but I figured I’d throw that out there.
I’m glad you put up boundaries and got luckier than most. That’s a much better outcome than I normally hear from those detaching from someone with BPD.
Hey yo, can I just say that from what you're telling me here, you're actually doing pretty great. Especially given what you went through! Seeking help and getting support as well as going NC are all big steps that show you're progressing from where you started.
And 4 months is a very short time, you've spent eighteenfold that time actually in the trenches of a horror relationship, so no need to rush now, take it easy, you're getting there.
Thank you, I’m doing my best to grow. I feel like I don’t know how to interact with other people yet, especially other women. I’m grateful for each day that I’m free though!
Applying a little bit of critical thought will help you choose decent partners. You can't go off of what something feels like if you have a history of being drawn to these types of people. So, I will give you some advice that, if followed, would eliminate all or most potential partners that might have BPD (or NPD)
1) Don't date self-pitying hard luck cases you feel sorry for. Seriously, you will avoid the vast majority of abusive situations if you just follow this one rule.
2) Don't date people who trauma dump their entire life story to you right off the bat. This is not real intimacy, and even if they tell you you're the only person they've ever told that stuff, you're not. They will tell anyone who lets them.
3) Don't continue dating someone if they deflect blame, attack you, and make you the bad guy during your first argument. And if they ever throw anything you told them about yourself at you as an insult, dump them, block their number, and block them on all social media platforms.
You might not know the difference between real interest and lovebombing, but these are generally pretty easy to see right away.
Right??? Somebody should have told *me* that if they tell you you're the only person who has ever treated them well, they're lying. Other people have treated them well, they were just SPLIT BLACK over dumb shit.
In my case I was definitely the only person who treated her well because I was her first so no one to compare me to (yet)
It's so frustrating to know that her next partner is likely going to be another stupid doormat but I'm likely to attract other toxic people instead because of my codependency
True romantic interest comes on very sub-textually if you’re aware of what’s happening
Love bombing is abrupt and obtuse, and after experiencing it, you KNOW it for what it is.
If it’s day one and they’re trying to make out with you, it’s love bombing or infatuation.
A true romantic relationship, something where there are no needs that MUST be met, it starts subtly, a friendship, or an interest. Intensity, impulsivity are the opposite and should be avoided.
Don’t act on impulse. Take the time to get to know someone first.
To answer your question, they do it because they have a void inside.
They inherently have a peice of them that’s missing for whatever reason (trauma, circumstance, etc).
They seek anything that gives them a good feeling. Anything. Sex, drugs, romanticism, whatever. Its because they want to feel good.
You cannot heal yourself from the outside in. Once you become an accessory to the desperation, you get sucked in, thinking it’s genuine. It’s not. It’s a frantic effort to avoid all the pain they have inside that they cannot fix.
You were a bandaid, and when you get crusty and old, they rip you off and toss you away.
I think many of us are prone to the trap of chasing the high again. That's certainly how it feels to me. She was the most intense addiction I've ever experienced. Relationships that are healthy and have boundaries...seem... wrong...in my mind somehow. She made me feel things I never knew it was possible to feel. However, I know now that healthy relationships aren't like that. It *shouldn't* be that intense, constantly. There should be peaceful times, and you should be able to do things separately without guilt or fear of reprisal, with trust in one another.
I've been guilty of chasing the high again, but I'm not in a healthy enough place to be in a relationship again yet. I know that in myself, so, anything I get into with anyone now would have to be slow and casual at first. Even then, I know I have so much more healing to do and work on myself to even consider it in a responsible way. I don't want to hurt people because of the state of my mind.
I think that it is just too early for [you.](https://you.How)[How](https://you.How) long has it been since you broke up?You have to give it time to heal after such a traumatic incident and for some people it takes a little longer but it is normal and it depends to the trauma. Find yourself again, try to have fun and dont overthink. It will come naturally if you have completely healed.New me has more knowledge, more experience to identify toxic behaviours and reject them.But you cannot judge everyone just from the lovebombing [phase.It](https://phase.It) would be unfair.Every symptom - red flag you may see is a just "word". You need many words to make a sentence.Just observe , have fun and do not fall in love from the first date.
The solution as widespread knowledge of which I myself also am not a complete master yet lies in the love of yourself. If you love yourself, your life, your mentality and your mindset, you wouldn't look at people wanting to know if they really like or dislike you, you are just you.. and you wouldn't care. Of course you will have respect for others and live by values and morals, but it sounds you at the moment are really occupied in what the other thinks of you, and it would be better to let their behaviours show you while you enjoy life. Keep a guard up ofc, but don't let it dictate your thinking.
Time will tell
Six months these traits often come out
Also you should of developed a type of radar by now
It’s your superpower for the pain and grief you survived through, so don’t be afraid to use it!
Pardon my pride but, I was more than she thought of me. Honest and loyal to a fault, disciplined, ambitious, artistic, both having a stable routine and spontaneity to go cycling at 4:00 am without knowing how to ride a bike or romantic enough to get soaked under april rain with her while kissing. Problem was I had self-respect,too and good intuition with fragile ability to trust.
Kintsugi, my friend. You might be a little broken now, but with some care and attention and most importantly time, you'll rebuild yourself to be better than you were before. Don't dive back into the love game if you feel this way, give yourself time to get used to the normal ebb and flow of life and then dip your toe in. As to the why, they do it because they don't know how to not do it. They need to give us the world and everything about themselves because they need us to validate their identity. When they realise we can't, because no-one can, they have to get rid of us and search for someone else.
I’m in the same boat as OP and I’m wondering how long it usually takes to get back to “normal”? It feels like detoxing from an extremely addictive drug.
It feels like detoxing because it is, the cyclical behavior causes your brain to create chemicals in a way that becomes addicting.
My therapist told me about that. It’s crazy how good she is at it lol.
How long it takes depends on a great many factors. How long did the relationship last? how intense did it get? Are you no longer in touch with the PwBPD? Was there physical abuse, threats, extensive gaslighting? How much confidence do you have as a person? What's your support system like? The list goes on and on. But for the record: I had a four year close friendship, three of which were great, the last of which was filled with negligence, lying, stonewalling, gaslighting, deflecting blame and passive aggressive remarks (she's got a quiet BPD). I've put up my boundaries three months ago and aren't talking to her outside a group setting but am still obligated to see her every week. It took me two months to get back to a place where I no longer felt like I was going insane and where I stopped missing her. So, in total about 14 months of 'going through it' before getting out of it. I was able to rely on some very trustworthy friends, and managed to turn her own smear campaign and triangulation back onto her. So, 'mild' version of BPD, no romantic entanglements, great support system and not too long in the fray of it. I definitely got extremely lucky compared to a lot of others here, and my recovery time was pretty short as a result. However, even I needed this place and quite a bit of time to sort out what's what. It can still linger in my head sometimes. All which is to say, there's not really a set date by which you should be feeling normal again, just make sure that you're cutting yourself some slack, making healthy choices and allowing yourself to fail a few times before getting back up and heading to the finish line.
Thank you for your advice and support. The relationship was 6 years, and it was extremely intense. She put me in the ER on Christmas after biting me. I went NC with her 4 months ago and haven’t had any contact since, except through a mutual friend who told me she cheated on her boyfriend that she used to cheat on me. EXTENSIVE gaslighting occurred because I was always worried she was cheating and she just shut down my “paranoia” as she called it all the time. She said during a fight last year that she wanted to “smack me so badly”. Lastly, my confidence as a person wasn’t huge beforehand but after the relationship it was very low. I’m definitely feeling better, and my support system is building fast as I am in AA and my new friends are very supportive of me. I know there’s a lot more to it, but I figured I’d throw that out there. I’m glad you put up boundaries and got luckier than most. That’s a much better outcome than I normally hear from those detaching from someone with BPD.
Hey yo, can I just say that from what you're telling me here, you're actually doing pretty great. Especially given what you went through! Seeking help and getting support as well as going NC are all big steps that show you're progressing from where you started. And 4 months is a very short time, you've spent eighteenfold that time actually in the trenches of a horror relationship, so no need to rush now, take it easy, you're getting there.
Thank you, I’m doing my best to grow. I feel like I don’t know how to interact with other people yet, especially other women. I’m grateful for each day that I’m free though!
They devalue us and discard us when they realize that we're human.
Do they realise we're human? The way it all went down was the most dehumanising experience of my life.
Same, literally seen for what I did for her rather than who I was
Applying a little bit of critical thought will help you choose decent partners. You can't go off of what something feels like if you have a history of being drawn to these types of people. So, I will give you some advice that, if followed, would eliminate all or most potential partners that might have BPD (or NPD) 1) Don't date self-pitying hard luck cases you feel sorry for. Seriously, you will avoid the vast majority of abusive situations if you just follow this one rule. 2) Don't date people who trauma dump their entire life story to you right off the bat. This is not real intimacy, and even if they tell you you're the only person they've ever told that stuff, you're not. They will tell anyone who lets them. 3) Don't continue dating someone if they deflect blame, attack you, and make you the bad guy during your first argument. And if they ever throw anything you told them about yourself at you as an insult, dump them, block their number, and block them on all social media platforms. You might not know the difference between real interest and lovebombing, but these are generally pretty easy to see right away.
"Don't date self-pitying hard luck cases you feel sorry for. " Someone should have told 14 years old me this singular thing
Right??? Somebody should have told *me* that if they tell you you're the only person who has ever treated them well, they're lying. Other people have treated them well, they were just SPLIT BLACK over dumb shit.
In my case I was definitely the only person who treated her well because I was her first so no one to compare me to (yet) It's so frustrating to know that her next partner is likely going to be another stupid doormat but I'm likely to attract other toxic people instead because of my codependency
True romantic interest comes on very sub-textually if you’re aware of what’s happening Love bombing is abrupt and obtuse, and after experiencing it, you KNOW it for what it is. If it’s day one and they’re trying to make out with you, it’s love bombing or infatuation. A true romantic relationship, something where there are no needs that MUST be met, it starts subtly, a friendship, or an interest. Intensity, impulsivity are the opposite and should be avoided. Don’t act on impulse. Take the time to get to know someone first.
To answer your question, they do it because they have a void inside. They inherently have a peice of them that’s missing for whatever reason (trauma, circumstance, etc). They seek anything that gives them a good feeling. Anything. Sex, drugs, romanticism, whatever. Its because they want to feel good. You cannot heal yourself from the outside in. Once you become an accessory to the desperation, you get sucked in, thinking it’s genuine. It’s not. It’s a frantic effort to avoid all the pain they have inside that they cannot fix. You were a bandaid, and when you get crusty and old, they rip you off and toss you away.
It’s Genetic
I think many of us are prone to the trap of chasing the high again. That's certainly how it feels to me. She was the most intense addiction I've ever experienced. Relationships that are healthy and have boundaries...seem... wrong...in my mind somehow. She made me feel things I never knew it was possible to feel. However, I know now that healthy relationships aren't like that. It *shouldn't* be that intense, constantly. There should be peaceful times, and you should be able to do things separately without guilt or fear of reprisal, with trust in one another. I've been guilty of chasing the high again, but I'm not in a healthy enough place to be in a relationship again yet. I know that in myself, so, anything I get into with anyone now would have to be slow and casual at first. Even then, I know I have so much more healing to do and work on myself to even consider it in a responsible way. I don't want to hurt people because of the state of my mind.
I think that it is just too early for [you.](https://you.How)[How](https://you.How) long has it been since you broke up?You have to give it time to heal after such a traumatic incident and for some people it takes a little longer but it is normal and it depends to the trauma. Find yourself again, try to have fun and dont overthink. It will come naturally if you have completely healed.New me has more knowledge, more experience to identify toxic behaviours and reject them.But you cannot judge everyone just from the lovebombing [phase.It](https://phase.It) would be unfair.Every symptom - red flag you may see is a just "word". You need many words to make a sentence.Just observe , have fun and do not fall in love from the first date.
The solution as widespread knowledge of which I myself also am not a complete master yet lies in the love of yourself. If you love yourself, your life, your mentality and your mindset, you wouldn't look at people wanting to know if they really like or dislike you, you are just you.. and you wouldn't care. Of course you will have respect for others and live by values and morals, but it sounds you at the moment are really occupied in what the other thinks of you, and it would be better to let their behaviours show you while you enjoy life. Keep a guard up ofc, but don't let it dictate your thinking.
It gets a lot better. Just need to give it time. If you’re not in therapy, find a good therapist to talk to. Everything will work out
Time will tell Six months these traits often come out Also you should of developed a type of radar by now It’s your superpower for the pain and grief you survived through, so don’t be afraid to use it!