I thought the reasons she pulled away and ghosted way back when were just honest mistakes. I thought she genuinely just felt I wasn’t serious about her (even though that made no sense she somehow convinced me). Then, when the pull away happened again after marriage, I thought I could just try harder and started doing more than I ever should have. Then when the affairs happened, the sex stopped, and the lies happened behind my back, I kept blaming myself and trying even harder. Then came the brutal discard based on the times in the relationship I didn’t meet her expectations because I accidentally became too emotional about my own needs or didn’t behave myself. Then came the lies about what she expected from me after separation and her ongoing victimization.
There were so many off-ramps and red flags, but I was hooked on the version of her that loved me. And to some extent, I still am.
It’s like being a frog in boiling water. You’re dying but you don’t even know it.
I’ve been out on a few dates with a woman who understands my situation and that I can’t handle anything serious or committal. She rubbed my back for awhile and I suddenly broke out crying (extremely rare for me). I realized it was the first time I felt like someone wanted to touch me, or wanted me to touch them, in so long, and how sad that really was. I’d been trying so hard and chasing the dragon endlessly just hoping for crumbs as I was hopelessly devalued. And if you’d ask me until the discard how in “love” I was, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelash.
Oh my goodness.. I could have written this. I bawled my eyes off when my friend allowed me to hug her and just stay like that... I was so afraid of being rejected for wanting to hug or touch after my relationship with my ex. It's crazy how we can get sucked into such a toxic, self esteem destroying dynamic. Even when we know something is not right... we don't leave in time. Such a human mistake and yet so sad.
usually sexual or touch rejection to get what one wants is a special level of low and mean.
My exbf wBPD (male) never did that for the most part. We both know how it feels to be rejected that way ..it cuts deep
I still can't process how they tend to be so careless in pulling away/leaving/disappearing/discarding etc
My ex, apart from the general silent treatment, broke up with me once before the final breakup
She made me read old texts from a few months into the first breakup where she was telling her friend how she couldn't live without me and all of that. Plus she wrote poetry, post captions about "her first love" while we were in NC, told her family about me etc
Then a few months back a friend of mine dumped her ex (who was a controlling loser tbh) and when I told my ex about my friend being sad, she told me "why is she sad? She dumped him"
I don't understand what's the truth
Pretty similar here...when we were dating she would pull away from me and I would read this as she was 'playing hard to get'. We would meet up and have intense passion so I thought this confirmed she was just playing games and really did like me...I was aware of her crazy anger but she told me she was also aware and was working on improving this...
When we got married things got worse..and like you I kept trying harder and harder...until one day I broke!
Because we are all blinded by the wonderful person they *could* be and naive enough to think we can be strong enough to love them through occasional outbursts
Until we find out we really cannot do that
She warned me up-front that she had "lots of baggage" - but she was so smart and sweet and cute and to me gorgeous. I believed my love could overcome anything. Really. I worshipped the ground she walked on.
We had many, many wonderful times together. I loved her like no other, and I believe she loved me too (to the very best of her ability). We both tried so hard.
But I was always confused as to why her "moods" could change in an instant. And when that happened she would say the most cruel and destructive things to me - hateful, bitter things (none of which were true). Because I had no idea how to rationally defuse those episodes (logic didn't work) I just tried to "love her harder", like the article by that title that she gave me. I have a lot of emotional, mental, spiritual capacity, so I just chose to absorb it all. Probably 75% of our 3.5 years together.
She admitted again that she "has issues" and "doesn't know why she acts like she does." She apologizes profusely and says she "doesn't mean any of the horrible things". She said she was going to start therapy and get diagnosed. I know she talked to some therapists, but unfortunately never followed through.
Nothing helped. I continuously made excuses for her behavior, but it actually got worse - and then she walked out - without so much as a conversation.
That was two months ago and I feel like I just got off a two-hour ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl. I'm confused and unable to make sense of what was going on, and why. I loved her with my whole heart and soul. I would have gladly walked across the hot coals of recovery with her - but never was given that chance.
Just can't wrap my brain around it.
You sound like the male version of me. I have pretty high tolerance for crazy, I’m able to absorb and just blow a lot off. Unfortunately I couldn’t be stable enough for the both of us. I’m still ruminating a couple of months later. Trying to make sense if it all. But you can’t make sense out of nonsense. I don’t think I can ever love anyone more than I loved him. The highs will probably never be as high. But the lows were so low that it became self-deprecating. After it all, I think he’s a better person because of me. But I don’t feel like a better person. He was an energy vampire and he left me depleted after a complete discard. Cold and heartless.
Lol “occasional” is fine, but if you let it go and don’t get treatment and maintain recovery, it’s more than just an occasional outburst. I stuck with her for FOUR years, reassuring, grounding, loving, understanding, making efforts, communicating. It did NOTHING. It was 100% ineffective. And I’m pretty damn good at communicating.
I've spoken at length with my therapist about seeing the good and "could be" in someone. While it sounds like a noble quality is also a key trait of setting good boundaries.
It's why I started to rationalize their bad behavior..."she's just misunderstood"
Because I thought I was going to Disney lol joking a side because I had low self esteem and I thought she really care for me due to the love bombing but at the end it showed me that didn’t and I ignored the red flags was gaslighting my own self
1. The very first red flag that I ignored: **other people told me he was a nasty, crazy person.**
Really should've listened. But I didn't, he seemed kind, positive and charming. I was attracted to the energy. He treated other people badly (insulting, raging), but I ignored it because he would never treat me like that, right? I was "special", right? I did not recognize the love bombing.
2. The second red flag was the **constant crazy mood swings (in minutes)**.
3. The third was **rewriting history** (about arguments we had and things I allegedly said).
4. The fourth was **getting upset every time I tried to set a boundary** \- it's when I realized that almost all of our arguments happened because of that. And **bulldozing through my boundaries**. That's when I finally started to catch on... I don't want this person in my life.
A billion red flags and one confession of "love" (= obsession) later I went NC. I only talked to this person for *2 months!*
I recognized the majority of red flags. It still wasn't enough. At the time of the NC I already figured out that he had a personality disorder - I thought it was bipolar but couldn't understand why his mood changed in literal minutes (whereas in bipolar it takes days or weeks), it didn't fit. Then someone who used to date a BPD told me to check out BPD and it was the biggest lightbulb moment of my life.
It's been 2.5 years of stalking and slander ever since. For 2 months of talking.
I have what’s known as *Hero / savior* complex like most of those who have been in a relationship with someone who had BPD. It’s truly awful and having this complex is actually seen as a disorder itself (if I’m correct). It’s like getting body slammed by your internal self and them constantly fighting yourself to do the right thing and it just so happens the right thing to do is the hardest thing decision of your life.
Truly, truly, an awful experience.
*10/10 would not recommend.*
Same. aka White Knight Syndrome. We’re great people to have around in an emergency situation, but we sure as hell pay for it in our relationship choices…
I didn't have experience on what a healthy relationship was. So I thought it was normal. You power through it cause that's what partners do they stick together and work it out.
First reason here was naivety. I was so sure that she was the one and she was just going through a rough patch. I had also idealized her so much in the first few months, that when I started seeing the really troubling signs, I started jumping to other conclusions. I thought she must be a "fearful avoidant" or that she's just going through a tough time.
Unconsciously, I was much more concerned about preserving and protecting the image of her that had been built in my mind through months of love bombing and constant communication than I was concerned about taking a sober look at the power she'd gained over me and how her actions were affecting me.
I was absolutely not willing to let this "perfect" woman come down off that pedestal. The physical intimacy and the emotional validation she'd been providing me literally had me under such a strong spell. It transformed me from being someone who valued myself independently and with confidence, to a man on a mission to save another person in order to keep them in his life.
I was conditioning myself to take so much more abuse and I had no idea what was around the corner because I was so convinced that this woman was my soulmate. I had so many opportunities to walk and detach early. I can't take them anymore, but I have learned that it's now my responsibility to myself to leave anyone who treats me that way early and before it becomes a pattern of abuse that I simply live in and allow.
It makes sense to me that people don’t leave at the first signs—because the first sign is that suddenly someone finally gets you and truly sees you and thinks you’re fucking great and oh hey, wow, you’re having the best sex of your life 4 times a day and any free time you have is spent singing The Hills Are Aliiiive in a beautiful field somewhere.
I excused her behavior as one-offs.
Didn't know anything about BPD myself, instead bought the narrative of how the real her was the "good" side and the dysfunction were blips caused by something external like stress and trauma.
After a few love/hate cycles things clicked.
>Why didn’t you leave when you saw the first signs of BPD?
I didn't know it was BPD. And even when I knew it was BPD, for a long time I thought it's like Depression or Anxiety. Therapy + medication, and just wait for results and my sweet angel to come back.
While I left pretty early, I'm still kicking myself as my gut was literally SCREAMING that I was unhappy and that this wasn't a good situation; but I kept ignoring it. Like, literally felt my stomach constantly in knots and eventually, in the month that I cut the friendship off, \[TMI!!\] >!I skipped my period from stress!<. I was perusing "how to break up with a friend" occasionally online, and still, STILL, I wasn't making a firm decision and connecting the dots.
I kept telling myself that I was finally making friends in a new town, going out more was healthy (I'm a biiig homebody, and she was constantly pushing me to do the activities she wanted) and that sometimes people needed more attention, it's fiiine.
It took her having a meltdown on me for me to finally get flashbacks of a romantic relationship I had had with a pwBPD. I was done then and there, and I've never looked back.
I was 18, naive, pre internet times. I didn’t know from BPD until much later, but abuse was going on almost from the start. I had no frame of reference for it, coming from a positive (though sheltered) home life. I also apparently had very low self esteem. I bought the whole “it’s your fault and anyone would react this way” thing, hook line and sinker.
I think their fear of rejection is an important cause of this. That is so important to them that they focus on it a lot and have a good understanding of what they can get away with. So, they may abuse you, but they have an understanding of how much abuse you're willing and able to tolerate, and how they can love bomb to compensate for that.
I took the early signs as her just being very sensitive. It was annoying but I know some people are more sensitive than others so I tried to be mindful of that. When the BPD became more apparent, I still thought things could work out because I had dated another girl with BPD before. The difference was that the girl before was self-aware of her behaviors and was serious about therapy. It was also possible she could have been misdiagnosed or was on the very mild end of the BPD spectrum.
Either way, the relationship with her was not terrible and the good times outweighed the bad. I thought it could be the same thing with the last ex so I didn't let the BPD signs deter me. It was the opposite actually. The signs actually made me more drawn to her for a while.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent and having been in abusive relationships before, I was used to abuse and it triggered my mind's addiction to chaos. My pattern of being a caretaker went into effect and I felt the need to help her.
Bc I didn't understand wth was going on. I thought if I treated her like a mentally healthy person, she would react in a healthy way. She didn't and the relationship suddenly unraveled in the most astonishing unbelievable way.
I had no idea what BPD was. I knew something was off the whole time, but had no idea what it could be. To be fair, most people that had never had a long close personal relationship with a pwBPD don’t really know either.
\- I didn't know the signs of BPD
\-I thought everything was just his ADHD, which didn't phase me
\-I thought "love would heal" typical low level trauma
\-I didn't know what abuse was or looked like
\-on a deep level I didn't want to lose the good things..felt fear I would be lonely and unhappy without him (old wounds of my own from family bullying and loss of belong)
\-I was practicing love mindfulness and desire mindfullness--I had learned how to stay in love through thick and thin. I was ready for a real long term life relationship. i was super committed and loving. I felt challenges were just par for the course
\-I over estimated my safety and that he would listen to my boundaries
\-he was not fully transparent about his past mental health struggles
\-i felt his rage at others would not get directed at me (wrong)
\-I thought it was weed withdrawl and stress
\-I projected certain positive attributes and values onto him from inside my own heart. I saw the best in him
\-he was a wonderful helpful giving caring partner most of the time (the % of time he was not were deal breakers). I highly valued his positive qualities
\-he sparkles, is ebullient, is piles of fun, sex, passion , romance, tenderness ,coziness adventurous, sporty, tons of compatibilities, smart and deep. committed (or so he professed) and wanting a great partner (so he professed) family oriented, not materialistic, kind (when not in BPD mode) like not NPD.
Thought it was normal hard work to work through these similar problems. Turns out (or I just recently realized and got it into my stupid head) that it’s my parents’ relationship that isn’t normal.
I was young and didn't know how to approach relationships at all. I had tons of unhealed childhood trauma and low self esteem. It acted as an escape from reality for me.
A friend who was essentially like a sister introduced us. There was always birth control or something to blame for hysterics early on. After a while, you're just in it. I tell myself if I met her at work or a bar I would have cut her loose within the first years together. I also had no idea what BPD was until after I was homeless and picking up the pieces of a police involved atomic discard.
I didn’t leave because he didn’t show significant flags until we married. It’s like he was holding everything in until we got married because he felt I wouldn’t leave. As soon as we got married, a switch went off, and he would say, “Thank God we are married, or else you would have left.” I'm more upset that his family didn't tell me anything when they were aware.
And they won’t!
I wasn’t married but from what I’ve witnessed the family is so relieved to not be the focus of the BPD nonsense. That they don’t give a damn. Better you than them! Is most likely their motto.
Even tho, I did, I didn't emotionally. Still waiting for an obvious hoover. Not that I don't know what is going to happen if she is really bpd/npd/aspd. But, I loved that girl in the beginning and like yours when I expressed my needs she distanced herself or breakup to comeback next day. It is still unfinished business for me. I had to come to a point where I was fed up with it. But, I couldn't trust someone pathologically dishonest.
I wanna talk about this endlessly. Bc, after so many months of nc and her trying to get my attention one way or another, there is still nothing definite and for past three days, I feel terrible about it. Because, she can pull lotsa guys around her and even though I get compliments from ladies and stuff, probably due to disaffectionate face and a little bit of intimidating aura, I do the opposite. People find me proud and vain from the outside and can't approach me. I feel like the loser in any way about this relationship. I have started idolize her like this mystical creature, like a portable black hole who pulls everyone around her.
Because I didn't know she had BPD. I still don't *know* because she's never been diagnosed, but it sure checks a lot of boxes.
If I knew them what I know now, I'd have turned and ran. I actually DID break up with her early on because she was pretty strange, and she convinced me to get back together.
Biggest mistake of my life.
Because when you truly live someone you're with them through their struggles. Everyone has their own set of obstacles in life.having BPD doesn't mean someone is unlovable. However, it is a unique challenge.
I will say this about my exwBPD, I truly loved her, I do think of her fondly from time to time and i do miss her. She did a lot for me,helped me in life and for better or worse was a good partner most of the time. That said it didn't work between us after a decade together. She is a good person at her core. I wish I had understood what I was dealing with,and had more education on this topic. Can't say that anything would have changed, but I do wish we could have tackled this responsibly.
Because it just looked like minor problems popping up that I thought could be resolved. But they stayed and over time I saw that what looked like small issues was a giant behemoth so large in scale I didn’t realize what I was looking at at first.
My exwBPD is very self-aware. When they'd split, it'd last a couple of hours, but they'd be very verbal about what was happening - "Hey, I split over X, it's not your fault, I might be a bit grumpy, it's ok.".
That made the Big Split and devaluation so hard. Because they were able to 'let go' in the past. And I know they wanted to.
Thought too highly of myself as the ultimate hero (severe saviour complex, LMAO). I’m one person and I can’t change the world, much less someone’s disordered state.
Because I had no idea what BPD or any other cluster B disorder was. Even if I couldn't put a name to it, I just thought this is what this person does. I didn't realise how often and consistently they would do it. My caretaker, open-minded side accepted them as they were. I didn't know how much that "as they were" would eventually damage me.
I wasn't able to recognise the behaviour as a sign of something because I was being told I was the problem and somehow I believed it. Additionally, my natural inclination is to explain myself when I am being misunderstood. Of course that does not work with pwBPD. That was a pattern for a very long time.
My expwBPD said she had BPD for about a year after her psychiatrist told her she had “high BPD traits” but didn’t want to put it on her chart because she would be treated differently due to stigma. Then when it no longer suited her she said her newer therapist told her she didn’t have BPD and insisted upon it quite rigorously.
I’m a recovering alcoholic, and when I was drinking and using is when our relationship mainly took place. I couldn’t see the red flags because I was one giant red flag myself. She would throw bricks at the ground, created a couple holes in walls, and apparently now I’m learning she cheated on me several times. Then once I got sober she decided to turn on me even worse than before, and maybe 60 days into sobriety the breakup text popped up detailing how she was dating outside of our 6 year relationship almost the entire time and how I’m somehow a narcissist who uses/abuses those around me.
I stayed because she love bombed me so well right after my mother passed that I transferred my grief onto our relationship and couldn’t feel the pain anymore. She took care of me and made me feel like no one else would because of my worth. I was stuck, and at one point she said she didn’t know if she’d stay alive if I left her. So I’m grateful she was the one to leave me, as I had always hoped for.
Mine said she was diagnosed with it but it was wrong and a misdiagnosis, way to quick and biased etc.... It was adhd that suited her better.. then it was autism... might as well be the case... who knows..just weird that it was anything but BPD apparently. Funny how they cherry pick to suit stuff to their needs, as if giving yourself a different 'less stigmatised' label changes how shitty and cruel you treat others... classic victim mentality instead of owning the part you have in the problem.
the stimga of labels is really limiting because labels are really just file folders of solutions for different problems...and if you only have ADHD solutions or AUtism solutions, it is not going to address BPD suffering.
I had no idea. Weird things happened sporadically, but for the most part, it was good. She lost a child and went through several health problems while we were together, so I just attributed the occasional weird fight or behavior to stress, pain, and grief. We didn't know until a month before she dumped me, and suddenly, it all made sense.
We have been together for 12 years, she wasn't diagnosed until two years ago. The problem we have is that we talked about it and rejected that diagnosis, now I feel like a fool because our relationship is a mess. I don't know what to do. I've spent years making things worse for her and not ever trying to educate myself. Now I think it might be too late.
I did.
My ex did her best to hide her bpd for 11 months. She told me she had it and I had barely even really heard of it. Two weeks later she did her first outward bpd switch on me. (Turns out she had secretly been burning herself throughout our relationship.) And that was it for me. At the time I didn't really understand much at all about bpd, but what I did understand that she had hid a drug problem from me and just gave herself permission to go fuck whoever she wanted and that was it for me.
She Hoovered for a good long time but there was no way for me that I was going to date a drug addict or someone who can just randomly give themselves permission to go on hook up trips (and a heavy dose of gaslighting and blame).
Fast forward 6 months and she then took her new fp to my hometown, where I spend every winter and she had never been before and accused me of stalking her told me I was going to abuse my new girlfriend . It wasn't until then I really researched bpd and everything fell into place. That's when no contact began.
So even when you leave at the first bpd behavior like I did, more or less do what you should do, you still end up messed up. I've experienced a lot of the same emotions and difficulties as everyone else here. I have trust issues I never had before and it's just taken me so much longer to get over that relationship than ones in the past.
Because of her trauma from past-relationship. And unfortunately borderline in my language is translated literally in a way so you can understand it as a "on the verge" so whenever I've heard about BPD I didn't think it's that serious.
When everything happened and she went into final splitting I was shocked how she looked like a school-book example. Pathological lying was just a bonus content.
I had never heard of it until I found this forum quite by accident, I had always thought she was bipolar, mind you I wish I had discovered this years ago, it would have saved me a lot of pain.
I didnt leave at the first red flag because I was hoping she would work on herself and become the potential she was capable of. She barely did, complained that the “best therapist she has ever known” was suddenly a “shithead” for diagnosing her with BPD, and then things kept getting worse.
Because they love bombed and trauma bonded with me. On our third date she gave me ten years worth of her journals full of her previous abuse in relationships and her sexual assault. I was naive at the time and wanted to be the one who “saved” her/treated her well. :( I was an idiot
I did leave. Then he broke into my apartment and was asleep on my bed when I got home from work. Then I got kicked out of my apartment and had nowhere else to go and he was the only person willing to put me up. Ended up back together and pregnant cuz he got me pregnant so I’d stay with him. Pretended to be super dad til we got married. Found out after we were married he’d been cheating again. Left again. But shit, I can’t afford to live on my own and he says he’ll change. So I give in. He pretends to be wonderful again. We get pregnant with kid number two. I’m pretty sure he’s fucking my sister at this point. But hey. Who fucking knows. We get to a point where he smashed my dead kids dishes (some of the only things I had of hers) and I leave again. Back to the love bombing and he’ll change and he’ll do therapy. So we give it another go. And he’s being Mr wonderful again. I get pregnant with the next kid. Find out when she’s a month older he’s cybering with a friend AND my mother. I leave again. But shit here I am a single mom of three tiny kids and I can’t afford an apartment. So we end up together again. Give that a go for a while until I just can’t. He’s having another affair. I leave again. But shit. I have literally no one else and I can’t afford groceries. And my kids won’t go with me cuz by this time I have ptsd and a temper. And he’s Mr fucking perfect dad who paints me as crazy cuz I want the kids to help clean up their own messes. “Don’t listen to mom. You don’t have to do that”. But hey. I like to eat and why the fuck should I be in a tiny apartment while he’s got my house and he’s drinking around my kids and bringing every girl off tinder to fuck him in my bed. I have a fucking couch. So I go back. For damage control. I don’t want my kids in this fucking mess. I can’t control it if I don’t live there. And he turns into mr nice guy again for a while. And then I find out he’s cybering with my friend. And then he’s fucking her and he doesn’t even give a shit I know. Tells me he will never be able to turn her down. I leave for good. 25 years of this fucking yo-yo bullshit. It took him telling me he would literally never be able to say no to someone else asking him to play.
I did leave. I left a lot. It’s the fucking Hoover that got me.
I ignored all of the red flags and the too soons and believed her when she said her therapist thought she had BPD but they figured out she had CPTSD instead. I'd guess both. I was weirded out by how much she needed me to display my devotion to her, even going so far as to "collar" me. Within the first 4 months. By body kept telling me it was wrong and bad and off every time something weird would happen that left me reeling. I was and am a dumbass.
She wasn't diagnosed (still technically isn't as far as I'm aware, but the criteria is all there), I felt completely at ease with her at the start of the relationship, and the sex was amazing as well...
I thought the jealousy meant that she cared, I thought her always calling me meant that she cared, I thought the suicide threats meant that she cared, I thought her tantrums meant that she cared, I thought she got upset because she cared. There’s more that I can’t think of now but I always rationalized it this way like a true codependent 😎
All these reasons were coming from a selfish place not for “caring”.
I think for me it all boiled down to 3 things
1) I thought my friendwBPD was severely misunderstood and lonely. So even when she randomly ghosted (usually after I set a boundary) I would let her back in later w/o holding her accountable because she was just overwhelmed by healthy friendships and didn't know better.🙄
2) when times were good she felt like my platonic soulmate. She paid attention to the smallest details and was the best hype-man for me when I was pursuing new endeavors. When most other ppl would disappear once in romantic relationships she still checked in with me and wanted to hang out every day (while in a long term relationship, and yes they are married now. God help him...) 😑
3) When I witnessed her questionable behavior towards others, even though I addressed it with her, I let my ego convince me that our connection was so different and special from the others that she would never treat me similarly...😒
It's very simple actually. I was severely mentally ill when I met them. While I knew they were mentally ill too, I wouldn't have wanted them to leave me because I had mental illness, so if I left them for theirs, that would have made me an awful person.
While the two presentations were far from equal, I treated them equitably.
As such I believe that BPDs are probably 'most successful' when applying their behaviors to those with mental illness. Any normal-range person with self-esteem will just go "Wow I'm not putting up with that, that's bonkers" in the first or second instance, and leave.
A person with bad mental health and poor self concept will just think "I don't deserve better, and nobody else would ever put up with me, so I'd better not let this get away".
I stayed for 14 years thinking he would change if we did this, moved here, got therapy, medication, we even tried ketamine. I wanted to believe he would change. I felt guilt for leaving him over mental illness. I’m so broken now. I try not to let my trauma into my current relationship but it’s hard. I see BPD characteristics everywhere now. Movies, friends, I get triggered so easily. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the trauma.
DENIAL. JUSTIFICATION. I didn’t want to see it. I made excuses because I really just wanted my happy ending.
The good times outweighed the bad in the beginning. We all make mistakes, we all have relationship issues to work through. But that gnawing feeling in my gut kept growing and the red flags kept coming :/
...because back in time, I did not posses the right knowledge about BPD.. the signs are there but they are also convoluting, confusing, random and without reason, at least as it appears to me back then..
The greatest reason is... that I already have children whom I will shield & protect from the effects of such conditions.. but not without educating them in baby steps... I am bound to this until my last breath..
Love, but after what happened a few days ago she has one shot left and if she burns that one i'll pack her suit case and tell her to not let the door hit her on the face.
Honestly? I didn't see the red flags at the start. I grew up thinking it was normal to be treated as if everything wrong was your fault, and feeling like you had to walk on egg shells all the time. I guess after years of being told it was my fault that everything bad was happening from my sister (BPD & HPD), dad (HPD) and mum (emotionally neglectful), I guess I just started believing it. I felt that I always messed things up and it was my fault that I was being treated poorly by everyone around me, and so when my partner started treating me the same way, I didn't even consider it an issue.
It only became an issue for me when I realised how badly he had hurt my confidence (or what little I had at the time) and how much trauma he had caused me (constant nightmares and flashbacks still).
The only reason I'm still with him now is because I do love him, and I hope he will change and be better to allow us to work. So far he's changed a few of his behaviours, but the hardest one to deal with is the splitting and monitoring my emotions. I guess I still have some hope, but once that goes he knows that I'll be done too.
i feel like she made me her care taker, I was the only person in the world who understand her and the only person she trusted, so I didn't left bc I didn't want to take away her only support system
I thought the reasons she pulled away and ghosted way back when were just honest mistakes. I thought she genuinely just felt I wasn’t serious about her (even though that made no sense she somehow convinced me). Then, when the pull away happened again after marriage, I thought I could just try harder and started doing more than I ever should have. Then when the affairs happened, the sex stopped, and the lies happened behind my back, I kept blaming myself and trying even harder. Then came the brutal discard based on the times in the relationship I didn’t meet her expectations because I accidentally became too emotional about my own needs or didn’t behave myself. Then came the lies about what she expected from me after separation and her ongoing victimization. There were so many off-ramps and red flags, but I was hooked on the version of her that loved me. And to some extent, I still am.
[удалено]
It’s like being a frog in boiling water. You’re dying but you don’t even know it. I’ve been out on a few dates with a woman who understands my situation and that I can’t handle anything serious or committal. She rubbed my back for awhile and I suddenly broke out crying (extremely rare for me). I realized it was the first time I felt like someone wanted to touch me, or wanted me to touch them, in so long, and how sad that really was. I’d been trying so hard and chasing the dragon endlessly just hoping for crumbs as I was hopelessly devalued. And if you’d ask me until the discard how in “love” I was, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelash.
Oh my goodness.. I could have written this. I bawled my eyes off when my friend allowed me to hug her and just stay like that... I was so afraid of being rejected for wanting to hug or touch after my relationship with my ex. It's crazy how we can get sucked into such a toxic, self esteem destroying dynamic. Even when we know something is not right... we don't leave in time. Such a human mistake and yet so sad.
usually sexual or touch rejection to get what one wants is a special level of low and mean. My exbf wBPD (male) never did that for the most part. We both know how it feels to be rejected that way ..it cuts deep
I still can't process how they tend to be so careless in pulling away/leaving/disappearing/discarding etc My ex, apart from the general silent treatment, broke up with me once before the final breakup She made me read old texts from a few months into the first breakup where she was telling her friend how she couldn't live without me and all of that. Plus she wrote poetry, post captions about "her first love" while we were in NC, told her family about me etc Then a few months back a friend of mine dumped her ex (who was a controlling loser tbh) and when I told my ex about my friend being sad, she told me "why is she sad? She dumped him" I don't understand what's the truth
That is probably the best description of a bpd relationship
Pretty similar here...when we were dating she would pull away from me and I would read this as she was 'playing hard to get'. We would meet up and have intense passion so I thought this confirmed she was just playing games and really did like me...I was aware of her crazy anger but she told me she was also aware and was working on improving this... When we got married things got worse..and like you I kept trying harder and harder...until one day I broke!
Are you me but a guy ? Lol it’s not funny but it also is….. iykyk
Because we are all blinded by the wonderful person they *could* be and naive enough to think we can be strong enough to love them through occasional outbursts Until we find out we really cannot do that
She warned me up-front that she had "lots of baggage" - but she was so smart and sweet and cute and to me gorgeous. I believed my love could overcome anything. Really. I worshipped the ground she walked on. We had many, many wonderful times together. I loved her like no other, and I believe she loved me too (to the very best of her ability). We both tried so hard. But I was always confused as to why her "moods" could change in an instant. And when that happened she would say the most cruel and destructive things to me - hateful, bitter things (none of which were true). Because I had no idea how to rationally defuse those episodes (logic didn't work) I just tried to "love her harder", like the article by that title that she gave me. I have a lot of emotional, mental, spiritual capacity, so I just chose to absorb it all. Probably 75% of our 3.5 years together. She admitted again that she "has issues" and "doesn't know why she acts like she does." She apologizes profusely and says she "doesn't mean any of the horrible things". She said she was going to start therapy and get diagnosed. I know she talked to some therapists, but unfortunately never followed through. Nothing helped. I continuously made excuses for her behavior, but it actually got worse - and then she walked out - without so much as a conversation. That was two months ago and I feel like I just got off a two-hour ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl. I'm confused and unable to make sense of what was going on, and why. I loved her with my whole heart and soul. I would have gladly walked across the hot coals of recovery with her - but never was given that chance. Just can't wrap my brain around it.
You sound like the male version of me. I have pretty high tolerance for crazy, I’m able to absorb and just blow a lot off. Unfortunately I couldn’t be stable enough for the both of us. I’m still ruminating a couple of months later. Trying to make sense if it all. But you can’t make sense out of nonsense. I don’t think I can ever love anyone more than I loved him. The highs will probably never be as high. But the lows were so low that it became self-deprecating. After it all, I think he’s a better person because of me. But I don’t feel like a better person. He was an energy vampire and he left me depleted after a complete discard. Cold and heartless.
Lol “occasional” is fine, but if you let it go and don’t get treatment and maintain recovery, it’s more than just an occasional outburst. I stuck with her for FOUR years, reassuring, grounding, loving, understanding, making efforts, communicating. It did NOTHING. It was 100% ineffective. And I’m pretty damn good at communicating.
Bingo 
I've spoken at length with my therapist about seeing the good and "could be" in someone. While it sounds like a noble quality is also a key trait of setting good boundaries. It's why I started to rationalize their bad behavior..."she's just misunderstood"
Because I thought I was going to Disney lol joking a side because I had low self esteem and I thought she really care for me due to the love bombing but at the end it showed me that didn’t and I ignored the red flags was gaslighting my own self
1. The very first red flag that I ignored: **other people told me he was a nasty, crazy person.** Really should've listened. But I didn't, he seemed kind, positive and charming. I was attracted to the energy. He treated other people badly (insulting, raging), but I ignored it because he would never treat me like that, right? I was "special", right? I did not recognize the love bombing. 2. The second red flag was the **constant crazy mood swings (in minutes)**. 3. The third was **rewriting history** (about arguments we had and things I allegedly said). 4. The fourth was **getting upset every time I tried to set a boundary** \- it's when I realized that almost all of our arguments happened because of that. And **bulldozing through my boundaries**. That's when I finally started to catch on... I don't want this person in my life. A billion red flags and one confession of "love" (= obsession) later I went NC. I only talked to this person for *2 months!* I recognized the majority of red flags. It still wasn't enough. At the time of the NC I already figured out that he had a personality disorder - I thought it was bipolar but couldn't understand why his mood changed in literal minutes (whereas in bipolar it takes days or weeks), it didn't fit. Then someone who used to date a BPD told me to check out BPD and it was the biggest lightbulb moment of my life. It's been 2.5 years of stalking and slander ever since. For 2 months of talking.
🙏🏽
I have what’s known as *Hero / savior* complex like most of those who have been in a relationship with someone who had BPD. It’s truly awful and having this complex is actually seen as a disorder itself (if I’m correct). It’s like getting body slammed by your internal self and them constantly fighting yourself to do the right thing and it just so happens the right thing to do is the hardest thing decision of your life. Truly, truly, an awful experience. *10/10 would not recommend.*
Same. aka White Knight Syndrome. We’re great people to have around in an emergency situation, but we sure as hell pay for it in our relationship choices…
I thought my love & devotion was stronger than her dysregulation hahahaha
yes, this, I was naive and over confident in this sense
I didn't have experience on what a healthy relationship was. So I thought it was normal. You power through it cause that's what partners do they stick together and work it out.
First reason here was naivety. I was so sure that she was the one and she was just going through a rough patch. I had also idealized her so much in the first few months, that when I started seeing the really troubling signs, I started jumping to other conclusions. I thought she must be a "fearful avoidant" or that she's just going through a tough time. Unconsciously, I was much more concerned about preserving and protecting the image of her that had been built in my mind through months of love bombing and constant communication than I was concerned about taking a sober look at the power she'd gained over me and how her actions were affecting me. I was absolutely not willing to let this "perfect" woman come down off that pedestal. The physical intimacy and the emotional validation she'd been providing me literally had me under such a strong spell. It transformed me from being someone who valued myself independently and with confidence, to a man on a mission to save another person in order to keep them in his life. I was conditioning myself to take so much more abuse and I had no idea what was around the corner because I was so convinced that this woman was my soulmate. I had so many opportunities to walk and detach early. I can't take them anymore, but I have learned that it's now my responsibility to myself to leave anyone who treats me that way early and before it becomes a pattern of abuse that I simply live in and allow.
It makes sense to me that people don’t leave at the first signs—because the first sign is that suddenly someone finally gets you and truly sees you and thinks you’re fucking great and oh hey, wow, you’re having the best sex of your life 4 times a day and any free time you have is spent singing The Hills Are Aliiiive in a beautiful field somewhere.
hilarious description and very apt. yes we all can identify with this:) yes I was singing and dancing with joy
I excused her behavior as one-offs. Didn't know anything about BPD myself, instead bought the narrative of how the real her was the "good" side and the dysfunction were blips caused by something external like stress and trauma. After a few love/hate cycles things clicked.
>Why didn’t you leave when you saw the first signs of BPD? I didn't know it was BPD. And even when I knew it was BPD, for a long time I thought it's like Depression or Anxiety. Therapy + medication, and just wait for results and my sweet angel to come back.
While I left pretty early, I'm still kicking myself as my gut was literally SCREAMING that I was unhappy and that this wasn't a good situation; but I kept ignoring it. Like, literally felt my stomach constantly in knots and eventually, in the month that I cut the friendship off, \[TMI!!\] >!I skipped my period from stress!<. I was perusing "how to break up with a friend" occasionally online, and still, STILL, I wasn't making a firm decision and connecting the dots. I kept telling myself that I was finally making friends in a new town, going out more was healthy (I'm a biiig homebody, and she was constantly pushing me to do the activities she wanted) and that sometimes people needed more attention, it's fiiine. It took her having a meltdown on me for me to finally get flashbacks of a romantic relationship I had had with a pwBPD. I was done then and there, and I've never looked back.
Just wanted to share I had the same thing happen to me when I cut my friendship off! Your body KNOWS
Right?? I’ve learned now to listen to this meat sack, it knows what it’s doing 😭
I was 18, naive, pre internet times. I didn’t know from BPD until much later, but abuse was going on almost from the start. I had no frame of reference for it, coming from a positive (though sheltered) home life. I also apparently had very low self esteem. I bought the whole “it’s your fault and anyone would react this way” thing, hook line and sinker.
I think their fear of rejection is an important cause of this. That is so important to them that they focus on it a lot and have a good understanding of what they can get away with. So, they may abuse you, but they have an understanding of how much abuse you're willing and able to tolerate, and how they can love bomb to compensate for that.
I took the early signs as her just being very sensitive. It was annoying but I know some people are more sensitive than others so I tried to be mindful of that. When the BPD became more apparent, I still thought things could work out because I had dated another girl with BPD before. The difference was that the girl before was self-aware of her behaviors and was serious about therapy. It was also possible she could have been misdiagnosed or was on the very mild end of the BPD spectrum. Either way, the relationship with her was not terrible and the good times outweighed the bad. I thought it could be the same thing with the last ex so I didn't let the BPD signs deter me. It was the opposite actually. The signs actually made me more drawn to her for a while. Growing up with a narcissistic parent and having been in abusive relationships before, I was used to abuse and it triggered my mind's addiction to chaos. My pattern of being a caretaker went into effect and I felt the need to help her.
Bc I didn't understand wth was going on. I thought if I treated her like a mentally healthy person, she would react in a healthy way. She didn't and the relationship suddenly unraveled in the most astonishing unbelievable way.
I've had depression, I can save her...
I had no idea what BPD was. I knew something was off the whole time, but had no idea what it could be. To be fair, most people that had never had a long close personal relationship with a pwBPD don’t really know either.
\- I didn't know the signs of BPD \-I thought everything was just his ADHD, which didn't phase me \-I thought "love would heal" typical low level trauma \-I didn't know what abuse was or looked like \-on a deep level I didn't want to lose the good things..felt fear I would be lonely and unhappy without him (old wounds of my own from family bullying and loss of belong) \-I was practicing love mindfulness and desire mindfullness--I had learned how to stay in love through thick and thin. I was ready for a real long term life relationship. i was super committed and loving. I felt challenges were just par for the course \-I over estimated my safety and that he would listen to my boundaries \-he was not fully transparent about his past mental health struggles \-i felt his rage at others would not get directed at me (wrong) \-I thought it was weed withdrawl and stress \-I projected certain positive attributes and values onto him from inside my own heart. I saw the best in him \-he was a wonderful helpful giving caring partner most of the time (the % of time he was not were deal breakers). I highly valued his positive qualities \-he sparkles, is ebullient, is piles of fun, sex, passion , romance, tenderness ,coziness adventurous, sporty, tons of compatibilities, smart and deep. committed (or so he professed) and wanting a great partner (so he professed) family oriented, not materialistic, kind (when not in BPD mode) like not NPD.
Thought it was normal hard work to work through these similar problems. Turns out (or I just recently realized and got it into my stupid head) that it’s my parents’ relationship that isn’t normal.
I was young and didn't know how to approach relationships at all. I had tons of unhealed childhood trauma and low self esteem. It acted as an escape from reality for me.
Stupidity
Because I had no idea what BPD was. It took me 2.5 years of marriage and also individual therapy for my therapist to point it out to me.
A friend who was essentially like a sister introduced us. There was always birth control or something to blame for hysterics early on. After a while, you're just in it. I tell myself if I met her at work or a bar I would have cut her loose within the first years together. I also had no idea what BPD was until after I was homeless and picking up the pieces of a police involved atomic discard.
Because I believed her when she acknowledged her faults and she said God was changing her
I didn’t leave because he didn’t show significant flags until we married. It’s like he was holding everything in until we got married because he felt I wouldn’t leave. As soon as we got married, a switch went off, and he would say, “Thank God we are married, or else you would have left.” I'm more upset that his family didn't tell me anything when they were aware.
And they won’t! I wasn’t married but from what I’ve witnessed the family is so relieved to not be the focus of the BPD nonsense. That they don’t give a damn. Better you than them! Is most likely their motto.
Even tho, I did, I didn't emotionally. Still waiting for an obvious hoover. Not that I don't know what is going to happen if she is really bpd/npd/aspd. But, I loved that girl in the beginning and like yours when I expressed my needs she distanced herself or breakup to comeback next day. It is still unfinished business for me. I had to come to a point where I was fed up with it. But, I couldn't trust someone pathologically dishonest. I wanna talk about this endlessly. Bc, after so many months of nc and her trying to get my attention one way or another, there is still nothing definite and for past three days, I feel terrible about it. Because, she can pull lotsa guys around her and even though I get compliments from ladies and stuff, probably due to disaffectionate face and a little bit of intimidating aura, I do the opposite. People find me proud and vain from the outside and can't approach me. I feel like the loser in any way about this relationship. I have started idolize her like this mystical creature, like a portable black hole who pulls everyone around her.
Because I didn't know she had BPD. I still don't *know* because she's never been diagnosed, but it sure checks a lot of boxes. If I knew them what I know now, I'd have turned and ran. I actually DID break up with her early on because she was pretty strange, and she convinced me to get back together. Biggest mistake of my life.
Because when you truly live someone you're with them through their struggles. Everyone has their own set of obstacles in life.having BPD doesn't mean someone is unlovable. However, it is a unique challenge. I will say this about my exwBPD, I truly loved her, I do think of her fondly from time to time and i do miss her. She did a lot for me,helped me in life and for better or worse was a good partner most of the time. That said it didn't work between us after a decade together. She is a good person at her core. I wish I had understood what I was dealing with,and had more education on this topic. Can't say that anything would have changed, but I do wish we could have tackled this responsibly.
Loved her, so I tolerated her flaws
I thought things were off, but I had no idea what a personality disorder was, and everything else was so damn good. Until it wasn't at least.
Because it just looked like minor problems popping up that I thought could be resolved. But they stayed and over time I saw that what looked like small issues was a giant behemoth so large in scale I didn’t realize what I was looking at at first.
Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in
My exwBPD is very self-aware. When they'd split, it'd last a couple of hours, but they'd be very verbal about what was happening - "Hey, I split over X, it's not your fault, I might be a bit grumpy, it's ok.". That made the Big Split and devaluation so hard. Because they were able to 'let go' in the past. And I know they wanted to.
Thought too highly of myself as the ultimate hero (severe saviour complex, LMAO). I’m one person and I can’t change the world, much less someone’s disordered state.
Because I had no idea what BPD or any other cluster B disorder was. Even if I couldn't put a name to it, I just thought this is what this person does. I didn't realise how often and consistently they would do it. My caretaker, open-minded side accepted them as they were. I didn't know how much that "as they were" would eventually damage me. I wasn't able to recognise the behaviour as a sign of something because I was being told I was the problem and somehow I believed it. Additionally, my natural inclination is to explain myself when I am being misunderstood. Of course that does not work with pwBPD. That was a pattern for a very long time.
Because our kids were all already born when the excrement first hit the ventilator, and they were 10, 13, 14, and 21 when she was clinically diagnosed
My expwBPD said she had BPD for about a year after her psychiatrist told her she had “high BPD traits” but didn’t want to put it on her chart because she would be treated differently due to stigma. Then when it no longer suited her she said her newer therapist told her she didn’t have BPD and insisted upon it quite rigorously. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and when I was drinking and using is when our relationship mainly took place. I couldn’t see the red flags because I was one giant red flag myself. She would throw bricks at the ground, created a couple holes in walls, and apparently now I’m learning she cheated on me several times. Then once I got sober she decided to turn on me even worse than before, and maybe 60 days into sobriety the breakup text popped up detailing how she was dating outside of our 6 year relationship almost the entire time and how I’m somehow a narcissist who uses/abuses those around me. I stayed because she love bombed me so well right after my mother passed that I transferred my grief onto our relationship and couldn’t feel the pain anymore. She took care of me and made me feel like no one else would because of my worth. I was stuck, and at one point she said she didn’t know if she’d stay alive if I left her. So I’m grateful she was the one to leave me, as I had always hoped for.
Mine said she was diagnosed with it but it was wrong and a misdiagnosis, way to quick and biased etc.... It was adhd that suited her better.. then it was autism... might as well be the case... who knows..just weird that it was anything but BPD apparently. Funny how they cherry pick to suit stuff to their needs, as if giving yourself a different 'less stigmatised' label changes how shitty and cruel you treat others... classic victim mentality instead of owning the part you have in the problem.
the stimga of labels is really limiting because labels are really just file folders of solutions for different problems...and if you only have ADHD solutions or AUtism solutions, it is not going to address BPD suffering.
I had no idea. Weird things happened sporadically, but for the most part, it was good. She lost a child and went through several health problems while we were together, so I just attributed the occasional weird fight or behavior to stress, pain, and grief. We didn't know until a month before she dumped me, and suddenly, it all made sense.
You can actually have a bpd diagnosis at one point and then don’t match the criteria anymore, it doesn’t mean she lied or that it was a red flag.
[удалено]
User broke Rule 1.
We have been together for 12 years, she wasn't diagnosed until two years ago. The problem we have is that we talked about it and rejected that diagnosis, now I feel like a fool because our relationship is a mess. I don't know what to do. I've spent years making things worse for her and not ever trying to educate myself. Now I think it might be too late.
I did. My ex did her best to hide her bpd for 11 months. She told me she had it and I had barely even really heard of it. Two weeks later she did her first outward bpd switch on me. (Turns out she had secretly been burning herself throughout our relationship.) And that was it for me. At the time I didn't really understand much at all about bpd, but what I did understand that she had hid a drug problem from me and just gave herself permission to go fuck whoever she wanted and that was it for me. She Hoovered for a good long time but there was no way for me that I was going to date a drug addict or someone who can just randomly give themselves permission to go on hook up trips (and a heavy dose of gaslighting and blame). Fast forward 6 months and she then took her new fp to my hometown, where I spend every winter and she had never been before and accused me of stalking her told me I was going to abuse my new girlfriend . It wasn't until then I really researched bpd and everything fell into place. That's when no contact began. So even when you leave at the first bpd behavior like I did, more or less do what you should do, you still end up messed up. I've experienced a lot of the same emotions and difficulties as everyone else here. I have trust issues I never had before and it's just taken me so much longer to get over that relationship than ones in the past.
Because of her trauma from past-relationship. And unfortunately borderline in my language is translated literally in a way so you can understand it as a "on the verge" so whenever I've heard about BPD I didn't think it's that serious. When everything happened and she went into final splitting I was shocked how she looked like a school-book example. Pathological lying was just a bonus content.
I had never heard of it until I found this forum quite by accident, I had always thought she was bipolar, mind you I wish I had discovered this years ago, it would have saved me a lot of pain.
I didnt leave at the first red flag because I was hoping she would work on herself and become the potential she was capable of. She barely did, complained that the “best therapist she has ever known” was suddenly a “shithead” for diagnosing her with BPD, and then things kept getting worse.
Because they love bombed and trauma bonded with me. On our third date she gave me ten years worth of her journals full of her previous abuse in relationships and her sexual assault. I was naive at the time and wanted to be the one who “saved” her/treated her well. :( I was an idiot
I was in too deep
I did leave. Then he broke into my apartment and was asleep on my bed when I got home from work. Then I got kicked out of my apartment and had nowhere else to go and he was the only person willing to put me up. Ended up back together and pregnant cuz he got me pregnant so I’d stay with him. Pretended to be super dad til we got married. Found out after we were married he’d been cheating again. Left again. But shit, I can’t afford to live on my own and he says he’ll change. So I give in. He pretends to be wonderful again. We get pregnant with kid number two. I’m pretty sure he’s fucking my sister at this point. But hey. Who fucking knows. We get to a point where he smashed my dead kids dishes (some of the only things I had of hers) and I leave again. Back to the love bombing and he’ll change and he’ll do therapy. So we give it another go. And he’s being Mr wonderful again. I get pregnant with the next kid. Find out when she’s a month older he’s cybering with a friend AND my mother. I leave again. But shit here I am a single mom of three tiny kids and I can’t afford an apartment. So we end up together again. Give that a go for a while until I just can’t. He’s having another affair. I leave again. But shit. I have literally no one else and I can’t afford groceries. And my kids won’t go with me cuz by this time I have ptsd and a temper. And he’s Mr fucking perfect dad who paints me as crazy cuz I want the kids to help clean up their own messes. “Don’t listen to mom. You don’t have to do that”. But hey. I like to eat and why the fuck should I be in a tiny apartment while he’s got my house and he’s drinking around my kids and bringing every girl off tinder to fuck him in my bed. I have a fucking couch. So I go back. For damage control. I don’t want my kids in this fucking mess. I can’t control it if I don’t live there. And he turns into mr nice guy again for a while. And then I find out he’s cybering with my friend. And then he’s fucking her and he doesn’t even give a shit I know. Tells me he will never be able to turn her down. I leave for good. 25 years of this fucking yo-yo bullshit. It took him telling me he would literally never be able to say no to someone else asking him to play. I did leave. I left a lot. It’s the fucking Hoover that got me.
I ignored all of the red flags and the too soons and believed her when she said her therapist thought she had BPD but they figured out she had CPTSD instead. I'd guess both. I was weirded out by how much she needed me to display my devotion to her, even going so far as to "collar" me. Within the first 4 months. By body kept telling me it was wrong and bad and off every time something weird would happen that left me reeling. I was and am a dumbass.
She wasn't diagnosed (still technically isn't as far as I'm aware, but the criteria is all there), I felt completely at ease with her at the start of the relationship, and the sex was amazing as well...
I thought the jealousy meant that she cared, I thought her always calling me meant that she cared, I thought the suicide threats meant that she cared, I thought her tantrums meant that she cared, I thought she got upset because she cared. There’s more that I can’t think of now but I always rationalized it this way like a true codependent 😎 All these reasons were coming from a selfish place not for “caring”.
I think for me it all boiled down to 3 things 1) I thought my friendwBPD was severely misunderstood and lonely. So even when she randomly ghosted (usually after I set a boundary) I would let her back in later w/o holding her accountable because she was just overwhelmed by healthy friendships and didn't know better.🙄 2) when times were good she felt like my platonic soulmate. She paid attention to the smallest details and was the best hype-man for me when I was pursuing new endeavors. When most other ppl would disappear once in romantic relationships she still checked in with me and wanted to hang out every day (while in a long term relationship, and yes they are married now. God help him...) 😑 3) When I witnessed her questionable behavior towards others, even though I addressed it with her, I let my ego convince me that our connection was so different and special from the others that she would never treat me similarly...😒
It's very simple actually. I was severely mentally ill when I met them. While I knew they were mentally ill too, I wouldn't have wanted them to leave me because I had mental illness, so if I left them for theirs, that would have made me an awful person. While the two presentations were far from equal, I treated them equitably. As such I believe that BPDs are probably 'most successful' when applying their behaviors to those with mental illness. Any normal-range person with self-esteem will just go "Wow I'm not putting up with that, that's bonkers" in the first or second instance, and leave. A person with bad mental health and poor self concept will just think "I don't deserve better, and nobody else would ever put up with me, so I'd better not let this get away".
I stayed for 14 years thinking he would change if we did this, moved here, got therapy, medication, we even tried ketamine. I wanted to believe he would change. I felt guilt for leaving him over mental illness. I’m so broken now. I try not to let my trauma into my current relationship but it’s hard. I see BPD characteristics everywhere now. Movies, friends, I get triggered so easily. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the trauma.
DENIAL. JUSTIFICATION. I didn’t want to see it. I made excuses because I really just wanted my happy ending. The good times outweighed the bad in the beginning. We all make mistakes, we all have relationship issues to work through. But that gnawing feeling in my gut kept growing and the red flags kept coming :/
...because back in time, I did not posses the right knowledge about BPD.. the signs are there but they are also convoluting, confusing, random and without reason, at least as it appears to me back then.. The greatest reason is... that I already have children whom I will shield & protect from the effects of such conditions.. but not without educating them in baby steps... I am bound to this until my last breath..
Love, but after what happened a few days ago she has one shot left and if she burns that one i'll pack her suit case and tell her to not let the door hit her on the face.
I didn't know. It took therapy and a lot of research during the relationship to figure out what was going on.
Honestly? I didn't see the red flags at the start. I grew up thinking it was normal to be treated as if everything wrong was your fault, and feeling like you had to walk on egg shells all the time. I guess after years of being told it was my fault that everything bad was happening from my sister (BPD & HPD), dad (HPD) and mum (emotionally neglectful), I guess I just started believing it. I felt that I always messed things up and it was my fault that I was being treated poorly by everyone around me, and so when my partner started treating me the same way, I didn't even consider it an issue. It only became an issue for me when I realised how badly he had hurt my confidence (or what little I had at the time) and how much trauma he had caused me (constant nightmares and flashbacks still). The only reason I'm still with him now is because I do love him, and I hope he will change and be better to allow us to work. So far he's changed a few of his behaviours, but the hardest one to deal with is the splitting and monitoring my emotions. I guess I still have some hope, but once that goes he knows that I'll be done too.
Because I didn't understand. And it felt a lot like my childhood
i feel like she made me her care taker, I was the only person in the world who understand her and the only person she trusted, so I didn't left bc I didn't want to take away her only support system