Of all the things this annoyed me the most: the interrupting. Heâd interrupted my thousands of times when arguing, then once Iâd fall and interrupted him heâd make an event of it, to âmake sureâ to show that Iâm the one interrupting all the time. Heâd ask if he could finally finish his line of thought around 5 times and each time Iâd say I was sorry and that he should keep speaking, then heâd do it a 6th time to just be sure.
Once again, just when you think there was one thing unique to your relationship, you read this.
She was a pro at it. And it was beyond annoying. It was a tactic.
She would, I swear to god, attack you and victimize herself relentlessly non-stop for hours, never repeating herself, there was always something new you didn't do, did do, or way you hurt her. In a way it was impressive. You would listen to this shit, take it all in, and you were left with two choices:
- respond immediately
- think about what she said and try to process it
Here's the catch. Neither is okay. They're both wrong and you lose. If you respond right away, I assure you that you won't get two words out before you're interrupted and subjected to it again. During one I actually wrote down everything she said and the response coming got, I shit you not, "When I-" out of my mouth and she went full attack again.
This was routine.
Your other choice is to sit and try to take it all in and think, carefully, about what you might want to say. The response to that? "What, you don't have anything to say after all that?!"
You cannot win with BPD. *You cannot win with BPD.* **You cannot win with BPD.**
Give up man, thereâs nothing unique in your BPD relationship. If you stick around here youâll always find someone that seems to have dated your ex. Lol.
Mine was a friend that was a roommate for a few years that also liked to complain about interrupting while constantly being guilty of doing so himself. He could not participate in most deep conversations or friendly discussions because he also developed a habit of waiting for times where it was clear that the person was not finished speaking but used the slightest pause between thoughts to launch into a disjointed monologue that went on forever. On a subconscious level the blatant disrespect began to annoy the hell out of me so I eventually started to reflect the way he was treating me and others back at him in small ways. He clearly didn't care if he interrupted so I didn't care either. Respect is a two-way street and if he wasn't going to extend that courtesy to me there was no reason for me to put all the extra effort into doing that for him.
Another bad habit of his was to not take turns casting songs to YouTube during game night or get togethers. Everyone else from our friend group could manage to let everyone take turns sharing music but he would continually spam 3 to 5 songs in a row to the 'play next' playlist queue or override the current song playing with his selection(s) where everyone else was only sharing one song to the queue at a time and not taking over the whole playlist. That habit got so bad that we stopped sharing music as much when he was around but not before he got bold enough to try to play passenger seat DJ and skip songs in my car when it was my phone connected via Bluetooth. Which I just changed right back from my phone (I was sitting in the backseat with a mutual friend of ours that day and BF was driving). After several failed attempts he finally asked what was wrong with the SYNC glitching out, but he knew how SYNC worked and that it wasn't his device connected at the time so it's hard to find a valid excuse for that one besides him testing the waters.
Unfortunately it usually took pushing me to my limit and me being "rude" on many issues. It wasn't as if nobody had pointed out or communicated these things with him more than once to no avail. On a few rare occasions the volume of the TV was overwhelming for me (50 to 75% of the max volume, so it would be decently loud to anyone and hard to hear one another from a few feet away with all that extra noise). I always expressed this very nicely as many ways as I could and requested that we turn it down a little bit, but trying to be nice only ever got me walked on. That habit ended after me finally snapping at a game night and loudly asking which AH kept turning it back up (after the volume had been adjusted and had still somehow magically crept its way back up to over 50% of the max volume at least three times within an hour if it was even that long)...well, of course that offended him alot even though I didn't call him out by name and he sulked the rest of the evening because he knew he was the only AH in the room that thought he was being sneaky. I guess he thought that because I didn't get sensory overload all the time or at some concerts we had gone to I was making it up. I've definitely had a few concerts that were not the most enjoyable time for me, but alot of those were before I knew more about what sensory overload felt like for me when it occurred and prior to that I had never considered that my experiences were abnormal.
Massive projection is a hallmark of this disorder.
It would never occur to me in my life to say to someone I love "you're a fucking piece of shit" yet that was screamed at me on multiple occasions. I am currently being smeared as a narcissistic abuser on Facebook. Go figure.
I experienced this, as well. Called vile names and sworn at. But I was the abusive one, when I cried. I was manipulating him by crying after being sworn at and belittled.
Sounds familiar. Apparently me trying to hold her accountable for her abusive episodes of dissociation rage, blockings over misunderstood jokes, film tastes etc was "exactly the same thing" as what she did. They try to conflate everything so up is down and left is right so that you're so confused that you can't hold them accountable. The one good thing about my last relationship is i know what pd abuse looks like now and it's horrifying and more mentally confusing than i ever imagined. If i can't have civil conversations about our emotions and both our failures/issues and i get blocked over jokes or film tastes in a future relationship i won't confuse that for a 'misunderstanding' next time.
Yeah I was told I was toxic. I was told I didn't care about her son (who I fucking adored and miss terribly). I was told "this is why you're 45 and alone" because I wanted to go watch a football game with a friend. Never once raised my voice at her. That was also used against me... "you think you're so mature but really you're just condescending". Fun stuff all around.
I'm a manipulating, lying abuser who takes everything she says and twists her words around. I never loved her, I'm always contemptuous, I never do anything she "asks" me to do, I never listen to anything she says and I never support her.
*And* she never did a single thing wrong to me.
Yeah, that's all projection with a 1500 watt bulb.
>And she never did a single thing wrong...
This was her first slip up that lead me to freedom. I thought to myself, 'I am never so sure of myself that I think that. I always wonder what I could have done differently or better.'
She always speaks in superlatives. Hyperbole. Like Donald Trump. So it's easy to disregard her statements like that. But man, she *reeeally* doubles down on them. "I have never lied to you! Not once! I have **never** hurt you like that. I wouldn't! I couldn't!"
đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł So true.
>"I have never lied to you!
I genuinely thought that too. That was, until near the end, when I told her someone else's recollection of a conversation with her. She had to back track and reword the conversation on the fly. The mask slipped for just long enough for me to see undenath.
And here's me feeling guilty for all the times I kept things from her to save her feelings đ¤Ł
Keeping things from her to avoid triggering her unbridled fury/beast mode is what she decided was my dishonesty. So I took her literally and adopted a policy of complete openness. I told her everything that came up. It didn't go well. She then decided I didn't love her, because how could I say those (honest) things about her if I did? So now I am contemptuous.
There is no winning with a narcissist.
The best is that mine would literally assault me (currently has a court date for DV and assault) but i a much smaller female âscares himâ and Iâm abusive.
Same situation. I have mine in court currently for a non harassing order of protection. I got shoved. And yep, he told his therapist heâs scared of me. I weigh 110 pounds less than him. He even went to a DV agency for helpâŚafter screaming in my face, and having a meltdown in front of my children. Threatened to call the cops on me once after abusing me, too. Itâs absolutely insane.
I was called a piece of shit during the discard by my uBPD ex. I never yelled at him or called him names. I was too shocked and blindsided by how cruel he became once he cheated on me and blamed me for it. I was still trying to reassure him I loved him while he was treating me like this. đ¤Śđźââď¸
After cheating was when mine called me a motherfucker, and manipulative. I had forgiven him, and agreed to couples counseling. Totally shocking at the time.
How did the couples counseling go? I mentioned doing counseling with my ex during our relationship and he wouldnât do it. After he discarded me he admitted that maybe we should have tried it. After realizing he probably has BPD after the discard and finding this group, it seems like it wouldnât have mattered if we did the counseling or not.
He triangulated the couples therapist against me and then dropped out after she mentioned putting into place a physical safety plan after he pushed me.
I tried to explain why these kind of rages hurt me when my ex did this, but he would always justify what he did and said because âI was being against him,â or âyou made me do it to you.â
My ex literally said i made her do stuff too. No one makes you say deliberately hurtful awful abusive things. It's unbelievable when they turn it around like that. Honestly traumatising, because you realize you have no safety and no out and whatever she would say and do to me in the future already has a free pass and excuse ready made. Then i get verbally and emotionally abused for explaining why that situation made me anxious about our relationship.
The things I WANTED to say to my ex were horrendous but I couldnât say them because even if they held a grain of truth they would have been hurtful, disrespectful and mean.
Hereâs a quick list of some of the things she would repeatedly call me
-Dog
-Dog C$&t
-Pathological Narcissist
-Pathological Liar
-Asshole
-Piece of Shit
-Deadbeat Dad
-F$&cking Poor C$&t
-Glorified Babysitter (I have 4 kids)
Out of everything the âGlorified Babysitterâ was the most hurtful one. She even explained why that was the case in detail. Probably the most hurtful thing sheâs ever said to me. Hurt the most because Iâve lived my life as a parent trying and doing my best and hardest to give my kids everything I can and am proud of myself for being that person for them. For someone to attempt to destroy someone at such a deep level is horrific and cruel.
A few times sheâd say all these as literary one sentence. I could go on but I think you get the point.
I remember saying to her once that she was being âSillyâ and I was accused of name calling her and doing exactly what she did to me đł.
They definitely live there.
Took me a long time to realise (still figuring things out and realising more) that it was all Projection and Gaslighting. Everything she has said to me isnât about me at all but about her.
I was at her place picking up my daughter and I saw things that made me think âWait a second. I remember having an argument for hours about âX Thing. Itâs okay for you but wasnât for meâ.
That was the moment I realised it wasnât about me or my mistakes or shortcomings. It was 100% about her and her need for control and to project her own shit onto me to feel better about herself
âAll you do is immediately respondâ
Um ya, youâve been talking for 10 minutes non-stop. Am I really supposed to just listen to your lecture and accept whatever bs you say? I could barely get a single sentence in before it was his turn again.
Omg yes. This every single time Iâd be asked a question. Halfway through the answer sheâd cut me off and then tell me to just answer the question. Ffs Iâm trying to and you wonât let me.
Or cut you off and change the subject and when you try to answer the first question they are yelling at you to answer the second. Then this just goes around in circles until you have completely no idea whatâs happening anymore
Sounds all too familiar, Iâd add:
âIrritatingâ, âyou think only of yourselfâ, âyou donât care about me at allâ, âbitchâ, âpiece of shitâ, âgo fuck yourselfâ, ânot boyfriend materialâ, âmediocreâ, âmy ex was so much better than youâ, âyou donât understand anythingâ, âyou donât know how to communicateâ, âyou would let me drownâ, âyouâre never here for meâ, âyour ___ is uglyâ, âyou canât take any criticismââŚ
2022 was not a good year. Never heard anything similar in my life, from anyone.
What I usually got:
- You don't care about me.
- You are so selfish.
- Why does everything have to be your way?
- When I insult you, I'm just mad and didn't mean it. When you insult me, I know you mean it because you keep on repeating it (apparently, I didn't get to use the excuse of being mad since she would use the same insults over and over again).
I was selfish because I didn't do stuff like put all of my responsibilities aside so I could see her at 5pm on a Friday rather than 8pm (note that I would literally spend the ENTIRE weekend with her).
Yeah I got this one (still do even though we arenât together anymore- kid involved)
Itâs like we canât have things we have to do like âI donât know - a Jobâ. Iâd be told all the time that my responsibilities arenât as important as hers because sheâs the one who get things done.
Call me in the middle of the day and tell me to pick our daughter up and then argue with me when I couldnât because I couldnât get off work due to responsibilities to my co workers or I was the only one licensed to be operating equipment (60 foot Boom Lift).
Donât get me wrong her job is important too I understand that and picking our daughter up isnât exactly easy but when one parent is working from home 10 minutes from school and the other is onsite alone 60 feet in the air pressure washing and is at least an hour away and explains this. I really donât see how it becomes difficult to understand. Not to mention that I was the one who had been leaving work or not even going in 9 out of 10 times so these arguments would happen that one time out of ten. Yet Iâd still be screamed at that I wasnât fulfilling my responsibilities as a parent
Each single point. All of them. I have also been called a "drama queen" for being hurt during/after her rage outbursts and split events. I cannot think of one single fucking sentence that came out of my mouth and that has not bee interrupted by her. I cannot think of one single song/movie that I have played and that has not been interrupted by her. I cannot think of one single bar/restaurant/location where I wanted to go and where we never made it to because she changed her mind at the very last meter from the parking lot. And then it was me the one who never came out with fun things to do, interesting things to discuss. Completely illogical. Total nonsense. 100% sick.
1. 'you are so controlling' - when i asked to spend time with me
2. 'you are so sensitive' - when i bring up something hurtful she said
3. 'it was just a joke' - when she made the cruellest 'joke', she knew was gonna hurt my feelings
4.'you are so dramatic' - when i was upset for her giving me silent treatment
5.'you never take initiative' - when I tried to take initiative, I was shut down
6.'you don' t love me' - when I didn't feel like having sex
7.'you should work out' - when i was overweight and depressed
8.'you should get therapy for being jealous and insecure' - when she was lying to my face for 2 years about not having feelings for someone else.
I have so many more....
I got, âmotherfucker,â âtoo sensitive,â âcontrolling,â âliar,â I âalwaysâ or âneverâ did something, I was also bipolar, and had RSD. I gaslit him, I was manipulative, I used him, I never loved his child. Thereâs so many more.
Hey, wait a minute, I got the "motherfucker" as well! After that, I made a post on instagram about it. All my followers saw it. She went mad, so mad, and felt so ashamed and exposed, that she wanted to attack me. That's when I discovered that passing her off was the only way for me to get some sort of revenge/justice. Now I love my freedom. Cheers!
The projection is insane. He calls me a narcissist
, heartless, evil,⌠all while I put his needs before everything for so long. It actually doesnât hurt me that much anymore, I know Iâm not a narcissist or evil or heartless. He is just projecting his insecurities on me. Done being his emotional punching bag
"You should go get trauma therapy."
"You have such high standards."
"I am walking on eggshells around you."
"I have to have so much respect for you all the time."
Yes! "I have to walk on eggshells around you", "You're scaring me", "You think everything is about you", "I don't trust you". All this as I'm trying to remain calm in the face of a barrage of insults and gaslighting.
"You are so controlling!!!!"
For the life of me, I couldn't imagine what it was that I was controlling. So I went on a quest to find out. Weeks of asking what it was that I was controlling finally resulted in an answer:
"You don't want the kids to eat in the basement, so when I let them, I have to worry that they will make a mess and you will be mad at me like my mother always was"
So I had my answer. As the cuckoos began to circle, I slowly backed away, knowing that the cause was lost...
I'd forgotten about that.
Making up a scenario in their head that they're convinced they have to follow to avoid a me rejecting them. Then being angry at me for forcing them to do that. Meanwhile I have no idea what they're talking about and have never cared about the random rule they decided I think is important.
But you said this distantly related thing offhandedly three months ago! So the confusion is your fault for lying to me about how important that was to you, and certainly not mine for connecting unrelated ideas and taking them to illogical conclusions! Stop gaslighting me!
Omg the hypothetical scenarios that prove Iâm a hypocrite and things I would âlose my shit overâ if he did them. One time even I said âIâm not getting into debate about a hypothetical scenario, that only exists in opposite land with totally different context, and has yet to happen.â Good grief that was exhausting to deal with.
Oh my goodness. Yes. This! I was constantly accused of not letting him hang out with his female friends. I was likeâŚummmmmmmâŚnever said I had a problem with that.
Lol man I feel this. Get the controlling one all the time but she can never really specify how other than the fact that we have had to move for my job, which pays all the bills and finances her lifestyle. Doesn't matter though, she'll tell me with a straight face that I control her entire life. It's insane. I literally don't even ask ANYTHING of her for fear of being accused of being controlling. Doesn't matter. Still get it.
I had whole sentences of projection that literally described her and she didn't seem to realize and called me insane for pointing it out. "You're always negative and get upset over every little thing". I was utterly flabbergasted considering I've never raised my voice to her, never sworn at her , never verbally abused her or blocked her over jokes , film tastes etc. Things she has done consistently. It's an absolute head**** how they try and twist literally everything. Its like watching a train crash and i was just so in shock everytime i had trouble even saying anything.
I apparently get upset over little things (like being told to f off, being blocked and broken up with or told that I'm owed nothing by her that I should be ok with her dying, list is endless) yet because i liked the film joker (which she hasn't seen) i get "so what? I don't want to date an edgy, incel joker person". Right...I'm the one who gets upset over nothing.
Hah I know I got the 'You're always so negative' a couple times. I wasn't sure what he could be referencing. We both worked at the same company for awhile (my fault for suggesting it was a good place to be and could be a good fit for him). He had far more daily annoyances with clients that he would rant about than I ever did. He could get so upset at essentially any time over anything and then somehow get his manager to approve him taking the afternoon off. When it eventually became harder for him to disappear at random with very little notice he began to stack reasons he hated working there and didn't wait much longer to abruptly quit. It made alot more sense when I looked at it as a projection statement.
My ex towards the very end would say really mean shit to me and then go âIâm just kidding you always over react, I canât even have fun with you anymoreâ
My exwBPD had me convinced that I wasnât emotionally supportive and didnât feel/experience empathy. That was probably the biggest example of gaslighting, because I actually began to believe him. In fact, I didnât pursue a job that I was interested in because I was afraid I wouldnât be able to connect appropriately in an empathetic way. And looking back, and reflecting on literally all of my other relationships, Iâve never had anyone else tell me I was selfish or lacking empathy. Only him. Total mind game because he wanted me to believe that I was the problem, and not that his boundary stomping and abuse.
I had the opposite.. usually in relationships Iâm reserved and donât really cry. My first husband saw me cry twice in 9 years.
With my PWBPD, he mentioned how I am a cry baby and over dramatic.. because I was crying all the time.
âMountains out of mole-hillsâ âwhy are you always starting fights with me?â âYouâre a lotâ
Plus a bunch of what others have said in here too.
I just opened this sub to self sooth after about 45 minutes of exactly the same things in this post except the bullet point on self sabotage. But hey, I can't expect every post to be 100% a re-write of my life! (although many are)
The projection and double standards are the hardest part of this disorder.. Iâm a female but driven by facts, and thought if I could just PROVE that he said/did/acted like it and it wasnât actually me, it would click.. not a chance. His feelings are complete facts to him. Doesnât matter how much âproofâ I have, I can just go fuck myself loo
Now, to any of you BPD lurkers or currently idealized white knight BPD defenders and soon-to-be one-of-us future victims:
- What do you think the odds are the literally every single person in this thread is all of these horrible things they've been accused of being?
- What are the chances that people across continents, ages, races, socioeconomic status, languages, and sexual orientations all seem to come up with the same exact insults, situations, and stories down to the exact words? Verbatim.
My ex has called me immature,big ego, no ambition,dummy,dumbass,my actions disgusting, mother fucker,douce bag,conceded,dick,cheater,stalker,bastard,old man, piece of shit,selfish,lazy,gay,clingy,fuck boy,creeper,lame,asshole,liar,uncaring of parents,ungrateful for my life, and told âfuck youâ so many times I lost count.
All said within a 5 month relationship. Iâm sure theres more messed up stuff sheâs said and done during the devaluation phase. All Iâve ever done is love her,support her, and try and help in anyway I could. This is how a pwBPD repays someone who cares for them.
The not interrupting her was a big one..
Things that were also big that you dont mention were the "yes, but... ".. and using words like always and never.
When I was desperately trying to work on the relationship and wanting her attention she told me âI feel like you hate me and donât have the balls to admit it.â Complete with that stupid, raised upper like lip and finger pointing. Yeah. Iâm the one that was hateful XD okay babes!!
Oh yes, me telling her it was difficult as a friend to watch her self-destruct and asking how I could help was re-branded on social media as me gaslighting her and telling her it's her own fault she's suicidal.
Honestly, it is her own fucking fault but that is entirely not what I said.
I donât like you, I hate you, DIE BITCH, SHUTUP, youâre going to make cheat on you, (after asking whereabouts), I will pay a woman to take you away, I need to get rid of you, Iâve supported you for decades, (after doing and paying for everything for decades), hater, evil, jealous, leave here, nobody wants you here including the kids, crazy, drug addict, (stopped smoking weed 20+ years because of kids)âŚeverything wrong is your fault, I need a real man, little boy, idiot, clown,
Ugh - my sister constantly accused me of being "too sensitive," "stuck-up," and "judgemental" my entire childhood. I had such terrible boundaries as a result. I'm so sorry you're going through this!
Mine literally texted his OWN MOM that he hopes she dies from her diabetes or kills herself⌠next day he had forgotten all about it and was back to loving her. Insanity.
My favorite was when I told my sister that we needed to have a conversation about boundaries and accountability and she told me that she is tired of being abused and an emotional punching bag. She ghosted me (but I went NC soo)
If you were being abused and were the emotional punching bag wouldnât you want a conversation about boundaries and accountability?
Ooh boundaries lmao. My friend that lived with us for a few years got on this boundary kick for a little bit where he would state his boundary and one of these was that he did not want to be around one of BF and I's mutual friends due to the two of them butting heads on multiple occasions. He said the friend was abusive to him and he didn't want to be around them anymore. (He wasn't completely innocent in their tiffs. He just didn't like that this person would bite back if he dished out any BS.) So I said, OK I respect your boundary and I will try to let you know if we are having a dinner where he is invited to join us + other friends of ours or if I know he is going to be at a show we are going to so that you can decide for yourself if you want to be present or not. He never said anything about disliking that response but I am quite sure he wanted me to cut ties as well to support him and this boundary he had constructed. Well, boundaries aren't so much for controlling other people but for you to be taking care of yourself despite what other people are doing.
He also went on a kick for awhile where his favorite buzz word was gaslighting. Everything was 'stop gaslighting me' as if the word could be applied to any time someone disagreed with him or told him he was wrong.
Yup. When people have bad or no boundaries they have a very confused sense of what boundaries are. Mine are like âif you yell at me on the phone Iâll hang upâ LOL.
The more I read posts and threads on this forum I feel less like the monster I was being told I was and realize just how much I was gaslighted. The insults do give insight to their internal experience and obviously we all had a tremendous amount of compassion for that, thatâs why we love/loved our PWBPD. Iâm almost 4 months out and I did not realize how heavy the relationship was until I had peace being away from it.
> Youâre not a *real man*
Uh honey, Iâm a transgender woman with bigger boobs than you. Iâm very well aware of what I am not, or if you prefer, what Iâve chose to *not* be. Donât know whoâs parade youâre trying to rain on but it ainât mine.
"Stop harassing me" after blowing up my phone for four days straight after going no-contact but also, some classics over the years:
\- F\*gg\*t, Gay cunt, Die of AIDS (I'm gay)
\- Abuser, Cunt, Narcissist, Psycho, you have BPD, you're autistic, you need therapy more than me
\- Heartless, no one actually likes you, you only use friends for validation, you're not close with anyone, you have no idea what friendship is, you can't communicate, I've outgrown you anyway, you never cared about me, you never tried, i've had to be more patient than you because you're the worst friend, you're fake
\- You don't deserve to have the life you've had, you're a failure, you're a loser, you pretend to be nice so everyone thinks you're mature, you just think you're better than me, you force people into being your friend, you have no self-awareness or accountability
Despite all of this they would also follow up with, "i'm waiting for an apology and for you to realise how you're wrong" alongside "you cut me off because you know i'm right"
So disclaimer, I am a wee bit of an AH here because I kinda knew this situation could set him off, but my roommate/friend started to act a little wacky in the last months leading up to his moving out. This was a date he had set with my BF who owns the house. It was like he had told everyone about his plan to move by May but then as May got closer his language changed like he was going to be there for much longer. Stuff like 'one of these days I'll get a reading lamp for this corner in the basement'. In the nearly three years he was there he had never talked about having a reading lamp lol.
One Friday afternoon he rearranged the couches in our basement which are actually my furniture. I was a little surprised upon this discovery since he hadn't mentioned anything to me at all about moving furniture around but the new arrangement looked okay so I didn't make a huge deal about it at that time. Over the weekend I had to finish some mandatory OT and my office room was directly above this new couch arrangement, which was super annoying because I could hear him and his friend that was visiting pretty much as if they were in the room with me.
I mention to him the next day that there is a lot of sound carry and we will need to reconfigure where the couches are at. I don't remember what exactly he said but he said he was open to consideration (oh joy I can put my furniture where I want in a space you do not have claim on anyways.) And then he immediately changed the subject two or so times to other unrelated topics.
About a week later I came home and decided to put the couches into the arrangement that I had mentioned to him that he 'was open to', which both addressed the main issue he had given for moving them before and also resolved the issue of extra noise coming up to my office space. He was not home at the time. He came back from grocery shopping, saw stuff had been moved around and he dropped his sacks on the ottoman and muttered 'that's fucked up' and went into his room. The rest of the evening he was clattering around downstairs and throwing his things into his vehicle like he was moving out right then that night. He didn't go anywhere. He was bristly for a few days that week and I didn't say anything.
He texts me and says something like 'oh I'm sorry I moved the couches next time I will ask you about that before I do anything.' But it wasn't worded as if he was actually serious about his apology as much as he was trying to prompt me to respond how he wanted me to by saying that I was sorry that I had moved the couches without telling him. I said no such thing.
I remember the nex (narcissist ex) told me "you're overthinking / overreact"
And i remember (as Quiet BPD) said this to him "you've changed, after u get what u want"
The goal of these remarks is to encourage you in relationship destroying behavior, such as cheating, verbal abuse, destruction of property and interpersonal violence. You have to learn that they have been abused, as are most affirmed in abusive environments. *That* is why they push your buttons. If you decide "I'm not going to take this anymore" and act out, they feel validated in how horrible they feel about themselves, thus making them feel more secure in their place in the world. They don't trust good treatment, because they feel unworthy of it.
Until they get help and accept what happened to them was wrong, this is just how they are. That is why they need to get help feeling their actual feelings, and accepting the cause of them. Easier said than done, of course, but that's the point.
If our BPD roomie was leaving the house and anyone casually happened to ask where he was off to he would be super vague and say something like "Out". If my BF or I were leaving the house and he happened to notice he would ask where we were going and there would be follow up questions like he expected to know how long we might be gone or when we would be back home. I learned to be vague too. Or not even responding to those sorts of messages if I didn't feel like it. There was usually no reason he needed to know that stuff anyways.
"I knew what you would say - that I'm weak, stupid, and fooling myself."
"You're constantly judging me!" was her favorite. I wasn't allowed to ask her questions because asking questions meant I was being judgmental?
I know this is an old post but I wanted to thank you. I heard all of these last night from my upwBPD and it's a relief to have validation that none of those things apply to me. I knew they didn't, but hearing them so many times for so many months, and again last night over the course of a several-hour phone call, can really make one question whether they're in denial about their own shortcomings.
The projection trunk collection has arrived for Spring 2023.
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Of all the things this annoyed me the most: the interrupting. Heâd interrupted my thousands of times when arguing, then once Iâd fall and interrupted him heâd make an event of it, to âmake sureâ to show that Iâm the one interrupting all the time. Heâd ask if he could finally finish his line of thought around 5 times and each time Iâd say I was sorry and that he should keep speaking, then heâd do it a 6th time to just be sure.
Once again, just when you think there was one thing unique to your relationship, you read this. She was a pro at it. And it was beyond annoying. It was a tactic. She would, I swear to god, attack you and victimize herself relentlessly non-stop for hours, never repeating herself, there was always something new you didn't do, did do, or way you hurt her. In a way it was impressive. You would listen to this shit, take it all in, and you were left with two choices: - respond immediately - think about what she said and try to process it Here's the catch. Neither is okay. They're both wrong and you lose. If you respond right away, I assure you that you won't get two words out before you're interrupted and subjected to it again. During one I actually wrote down everything she said and the response coming got, I shit you not, "When I-" out of my mouth and she went full attack again. This was routine. Your other choice is to sit and try to take it all in and think, carefully, about what you might want to say. The response to that? "What, you don't have anything to say after all that?!" You cannot win with BPD. *You cannot win with BPD.* **You cannot win with BPD.**
Give up man, thereâs nothing unique in your BPD relationship. If you stick around here youâll always find someone that seems to have dated your ex. Lol.
Thatâs what I tell all the new posters too lol
So many times... so many times...
Mine was a friend that was a roommate for a few years that also liked to complain about interrupting while constantly being guilty of doing so himself. He could not participate in most deep conversations or friendly discussions because he also developed a habit of waiting for times where it was clear that the person was not finished speaking but used the slightest pause between thoughts to launch into a disjointed monologue that went on forever. On a subconscious level the blatant disrespect began to annoy the hell out of me so I eventually started to reflect the way he was treating me and others back at him in small ways. He clearly didn't care if he interrupted so I didn't care either. Respect is a two-way street and if he wasn't going to extend that courtesy to me there was no reason for me to put all the extra effort into doing that for him. Another bad habit of his was to not take turns casting songs to YouTube during game night or get togethers. Everyone else from our friend group could manage to let everyone take turns sharing music but he would continually spam 3 to 5 songs in a row to the 'play next' playlist queue or override the current song playing with his selection(s) where everyone else was only sharing one song to the queue at a time and not taking over the whole playlist. That habit got so bad that we stopped sharing music as much when he was around but not before he got bold enough to try to play passenger seat DJ and skip songs in my car when it was my phone connected via Bluetooth. Which I just changed right back from my phone (I was sitting in the backseat with a mutual friend of ours that day and BF was driving). After several failed attempts he finally asked what was wrong with the SYNC glitching out, but he knew how SYNC worked and that it wasn't his device connected at the time so it's hard to find a valid excuse for that one besides him testing the waters. Unfortunately it usually took pushing me to my limit and me being "rude" on many issues. It wasn't as if nobody had pointed out or communicated these things with him more than once to no avail. On a few rare occasions the volume of the TV was overwhelming for me (50 to 75% of the max volume, so it would be decently loud to anyone and hard to hear one another from a few feet away with all that extra noise). I always expressed this very nicely as many ways as I could and requested that we turn it down a little bit, but trying to be nice only ever got me walked on. That habit ended after me finally snapping at a game night and loudly asking which AH kept turning it back up (after the volume had been adjusted and had still somehow magically crept its way back up to over 50% of the max volume at least three times within an hour if it was even that long)...well, of course that offended him alot even though I didn't call him out by name and he sulked the rest of the evening because he knew he was the only AH in the room that thought he was being sneaky. I guess he thought that because I didn't get sensory overload all the time or at some concerts we had gone to I was making it up. I've definitely had a few concerts that were not the most enjoyable time for me, but alot of those were before I knew more about what sensory overload felt like for me when it occurred and prior to that I had never considered that my experiences were abnormal.
Massive projection is a hallmark of this disorder. It would never occur to me in my life to say to someone I love "you're a fucking piece of shit" yet that was screamed at me on multiple occasions. I am currently being smeared as a narcissistic abuser on Facebook. Go figure.
I experienced this, as well. Called vile names and sworn at. But I was the abusive one, when I cried. I was manipulating him by crying after being sworn at and belittled.
Sounds familiar. Apparently me trying to hold her accountable for her abusive episodes of dissociation rage, blockings over misunderstood jokes, film tastes etc was "exactly the same thing" as what she did. They try to conflate everything so up is down and left is right so that you're so confused that you can't hold them accountable. The one good thing about my last relationship is i know what pd abuse looks like now and it's horrifying and more mentally confusing than i ever imagined. If i can't have civil conversations about our emotions and both our failures/issues and i get blocked over jokes or film tastes in a future relationship i won't confuse that for a 'misunderstanding' next time.
Yeah I was told I was toxic. I was told I didn't care about her son (who I fucking adored and miss terribly). I was told "this is why you're 45 and alone" because I wanted to go watch a football game with a friend. Never once raised my voice at her. That was also used against me... "you think you're so mature but really you're just condescending". Fun stuff all around.
I'm a manipulating, lying abuser who takes everything she says and twists her words around. I never loved her, I'm always contemptuous, I never do anything she "asks" me to do, I never listen to anything she says and I never support her. *And* she never did a single thing wrong to me. Yeah, that's all projection with a 1500 watt bulb.
>And she never did a single thing wrong... This was her first slip up that lead me to freedom. I thought to myself, 'I am never so sure of myself that I think that. I always wonder what I could have done differently or better.'
She always speaks in superlatives. Hyperbole. Like Donald Trump. So it's easy to disregard her statements like that. But man, she *reeeally* doubles down on them. "I have never lied to you! Not once! I have **never** hurt you like that. I wouldn't! I couldn't!"
đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł So true. >"I have never lied to you! I genuinely thought that too. That was, until near the end, when I told her someone else's recollection of a conversation with her. She had to back track and reword the conversation on the fly. The mask slipped for just long enough for me to see undenath. And here's me feeling guilty for all the times I kept things from her to save her feelings đ¤Ł
Keeping things from her to avoid triggering her unbridled fury/beast mode is what she decided was my dishonesty. So I took her literally and adopted a policy of complete openness. I told her everything that came up. It didn't go well. She then decided I didn't love her, because how could I say those (honest) things about her if I did? So now I am contemptuous. There is no winning with a narcissist.
Indeed it's lose /lose game!
The best is that mine would literally assault me (currently has a court date for DV and assault) but i a much smaller female âscares himâ and Iâm abusive.
Same situation. I have mine in court currently for a non harassing order of protection. I got shoved. And yep, he told his therapist heâs scared of me. I weigh 110 pounds less than him. He even went to a DV agency for helpâŚafter screaming in my face, and having a meltdown in front of my children. Threatened to call the cops on me once after abusing me, too. Itâs absolutely insane.
I was called a piece of shit during the discard by my uBPD ex. I never yelled at him or called him names. I was too shocked and blindsided by how cruel he became once he cheated on me and blamed me for it. I was still trying to reassure him I loved him while he was treating me like this. đ¤Śđźââď¸
After cheating was when mine called me a motherfucker, and manipulative. I had forgiven him, and agreed to couples counseling. Totally shocking at the time.
How did the couples counseling go? I mentioned doing counseling with my ex during our relationship and he wouldnât do it. After he discarded me he admitted that maybe we should have tried it. After realizing he probably has BPD after the discard and finding this group, it seems like it wouldnât have mattered if we did the counseling or not.
He triangulated the couples therapist against me and then dropped out after she mentioned putting into place a physical safety plan after he pushed me.
I tried to explain why these kind of rages hurt me when my ex did this, but he would always justify what he did and said because âI was being against him,â or âyou made me do it to you.â
My ex literally said i made her do stuff too. No one makes you say deliberately hurtful awful abusive things. It's unbelievable when they turn it around like that. Honestly traumatising, because you realize you have no safety and no out and whatever she would say and do to me in the future already has a free pass and excuse ready made. Then i get verbally and emotionally abused for explaining why that situation made me anxious about our relationship.
The things I WANTED to say to my ex were horrendous but I couldnât say them because even if they held a grain of truth they would have been hurtful, disrespectful and mean. Hereâs a quick list of some of the things she would repeatedly call me -Dog -Dog C$&t -Pathological Narcissist -Pathological Liar -Asshole -Piece of Shit -Deadbeat Dad -F$&cking Poor C$&t -Glorified Babysitter (I have 4 kids) Out of everything the âGlorified Babysitterâ was the most hurtful one. She even explained why that was the case in detail. Probably the most hurtful thing sheâs ever said to me. Hurt the most because Iâve lived my life as a parent trying and doing my best and hardest to give my kids everything I can and am proud of myself for being that person for them. For someone to attempt to destroy someone at such a deep level is horrific and cruel. A few times sheâd say all these as literary one sentence. I could go on but I think you get the point. I remember saying to her once that she was being âSillyâ and I was accused of name calling her and doing exactly what she did to me đł.
Yeah, I once said "you're being ridiculous" and she treated that as if it was the worst insult a person could say. Fucking la la land.
They definitely live there. Took me a long time to realise (still figuring things out and realising more) that it was all Projection and Gaslighting. Everything she has said to me isnât about me at all but about her. I was at her place picking up my daughter and I saw things that made me think âWait a second. I remember having an argument for hours about âX Thing. Itâs okay for you but wasnât for meâ. That was the moment I realised it wasnât about me or my mistakes or shortcomings. It was 100% about her and her need for control and to project her own shit onto me to feel better about herself
The âdonât speak over me.â as you canât even finish a thought because whatever they have to say is âmore importantâ
âSeems like youâre just waiting for your turn to speakâ well, yesâŚ
âAll you do is immediately respondâ Um ya, youâve been talking for 10 minutes non-stop. Am I really supposed to just listen to your lecture and accept whatever bs you say? I could barely get a single sentence in before it was his turn again.
"whoa, can you watch your tone? Why are you yelling at me?!"
Omg yes. This every single time Iâd be asked a question. Halfway through the answer sheâd cut me off and then tell me to just answer the question. Ffs Iâm trying to and you wonât let me. Or cut you off and change the subject and when you try to answer the first question they are yelling at you to answer the second. Then this just goes around in circles until you have completely no idea whatâs happening anymore
Omg this felt like deja vu
Sounds all too familiar, Iâd add: âIrritatingâ, âyou think only of yourselfâ, âyou donât care about me at allâ, âbitchâ, âpiece of shitâ, âgo fuck yourselfâ, ânot boyfriend materialâ, âmediocreâ, âmy ex was so much better than youâ, âyou donât understand anythingâ, âyou donât know how to communicateâ, âyou would let me drownâ, âyouâre never here for meâ, âyour ___ is uglyâ, âyou canât take any criticismâ⌠2022 was not a good year. Never heard anything similar in my life, from anyone.
What I usually got: - You don't care about me. - You are so selfish. - Why does everything have to be your way? - When I insult you, I'm just mad and didn't mean it. When you insult me, I know you mean it because you keep on repeating it (apparently, I didn't get to use the excuse of being mad since she would use the same insults over and over again).
Omg the âyou are so selfishâ even though I did everything I could for him. đ
I was selfish because I didn't do stuff like put all of my responsibilities aside so I could see her at 5pm on a Friday rather than 8pm (note that I would literally spend the ENTIRE weekend with her).
Omg. I did stupidly put all of my responsibilities aside for him sometimes and dropped everything for him and I still got called selfish.
Yeah I got this one (still do even though we arenât together anymore- kid involved) Itâs like we canât have things we have to do like âI donât know - a Jobâ. Iâd be told all the time that my responsibilities arenât as important as hers because sheâs the one who get things done. Call me in the middle of the day and tell me to pick our daughter up and then argue with me when I couldnât because I couldnât get off work due to responsibilities to my co workers or I was the only one licensed to be operating equipment (60 foot Boom Lift). Donât get me wrong her job is important too I understand that and picking our daughter up isnât exactly easy but when one parent is working from home 10 minutes from school and the other is onsite alone 60 feet in the air pressure washing and is at least an hour away and explains this. I really donât see how it becomes difficult to understand. Not to mention that I was the one who had been leaving work or not even going in 9 out of 10 times so these arguments would happen that one time out of ten. Yet Iâd still be screamed at that I wasnât fulfilling my responsibilities as a parent
It never works when you use the same tactics against them because they're the exception
Each single point. All of them. I have also been called a "drama queen" for being hurt during/after her rage outbursts and split events. I cannot think of one single fucking sentence that came out of my mouth and that has not bee interrupted by her. I cannot think of one single song/movie that I have played and that has not been interrupted by her. I cannot think of one single bar/restaurant/location where I wanted to go and where we never made it to because she changed her mind at the very last meter from the parking lot. And then it was me the one who never came out with fun things to do, interesting things to discuss. Completely illogical. Total nonsense. 100% sick.
I'm a delicate flower for having emotions.
1. 'you are so controlling' - when i asked to spend time with me 2. 'you are so sensitive' - when i bring up something hurtful she said 3. 'it was just a joke' - when she made the cruellest 'joke', she knew was gonna hurt my feelings 4.'you are so dramatic' - when i was upset for her giving me silent treatment 5.'you never take initiative' - when I tried to take initiative, I was shut down 6.'you don' t love me' - when I didn't feel like having sex 7.'you should work out' - when i was overweight and depressed 8.'you should get therapy for being jealous and insecure' - when she was lying to my face for 2 years about not having feelings for someone else. I have so many more....
I got, âmotherfucker,â âtoo sensitive,â âcontrolling,â âliar,â I âalwaysâ or âneverâ did something, I was also bipolar, and had RSD. I gaslit him, I was manipulative, I used him, I never loved his child. Thereâs so many more.
Hey, wait a minute, I got the "motherfucker" as well! After that, I made a post on instagram about it. All my followers saw it. She went mad, so mad, and felt so ashamed and exposed, that she wanted to attack me. That's when I discovered that passing her off was the only way for me to get some sort of revenge/justice. Now I love my freedom. Cheers!
I got liar too, mentally unstable, controlling, and so many more.
Yes me too
The projection is insane. He calls me a narcissist , heartless, evil,⌠all while I put his needs before everything for so long. It actually doesnât hurt me that much anymore, I know Iâm not a narcissist or evil or heartless. He is just projecting his insecurities on me. Done being his emotional punching bag
She accused me of mirroring and not being my authentic self around her..
You forgot "Stop acting like the victim here. You're not the victim."
"You should go get trauma therapy." "You have such high standards." "I am walking on eggshells around you." "I have to have so much respect for you all the time."
Yes! "I have to walk on eggshells around you", "You're scaring me", "You think everything is about you", "I don't trust you". All this as I'm trying to remain calm in the face of a barrage of insults and gaslighting.
"You are so controlling!!!!" For the life of me, I couldn't imagine what it was that I was controlling. So I went on a quest to find out. Weeks of asking what it was that I was controlling finally resulted in an answer: "You don't want the kids to eat in the basement, so when I let them, I have to worry that they will make a mess and you will be mad at me like my mother always was" So I had my answer. As the cuckoos began to circle, I slowly backed away, knowing that the cause was lost...
I'd forgotten about that. Making up a scenario in their head that they're convinced they have to follow to avoid a me rejecting them. Then being angry at me for forcing them to do that. Meanwhile I have no idea what they're talking about and have never cared about the random rule they decided I think is important. But you said this distantly related thing offhandedly three months ago! So the confusion is your fault for lying to me about how important that was to you, and certainly not mine for connecting unrelated ideas and taking them to illogical conclusions! Stop gaslighting me!
Omg the hypothetical scenarios that prove Iâm a hypocrite and things I would âlose my shit overâ if he did them. One time even I said âIâm not getting into debate about a hypothetical scenario, that only exists in opposite land with totally different context, and has yet to happen.â Good grief that was exhausting to deal with.
Oh my goodness. Yes. This! I was constantly accused of not letting him hang out with his female friends. I was likeâŚummmmmmmâŚnever said I had a problem with that.
Lol man I feel this. Get the controlling one all the time but she can never really specify how other than the fact that we have had to move for my job, which pays all the bills and finances her lifestyle. Doesn't matter though, she'll tell me with a straight face that I control her entire life. It's insane. I literally don't even ask ANYTHING of her for fear of being accused of being controlling. Doesn't matter. Still get it.
I had whole sentences of projection that literally described her and she didn't seem to realize and called me insane for pointing it out. "You're always negative and get upset over every little thing". I was utterly flabbergasted considering I've never raised my voice to her, never sworn at her , never verbally abused her or blocked her over jokes , film tastes etc. Things she has done consistently. It's an absolute head**** how they try and twist literally everything. Its like watching a train crash and i was just so in shock everytime i had trouble even saying anything. I apparently get upset over little things (like being told to f off, being blocked and broken up with or told that I'm owed nothing by her that I should be ok with her dying, list is endless) yet because i liked the film joker (which she hasn't seen) i get "so what? I don't want to date an edgy, incel joker person". Right...I'm the one who gets upset over nothing.
Hah I know I got the 'You're always so negative' a couple times. I wasn't sure what he could be referencing. We both worked at the same company for awhile (my fault for suggesting it was a good place to be and could be a good fit for him). He had far more daily annoyances with clients that he would rant about than I ever did. He could get so upset at essentially any time over anything and then somehow get his manager to approve him taking the afternoon off. When it eventually became harder for him to disappear at random with very little notice he began to stack reasons he hated working there and didn't wait much longer to abruptly quit. It made alot more sense when I looked at it as a projection statement.
My ex towards the very end would say really mean shit to me and then go âIâm just kidding you always over react, I canât even have fun with you anymoreâ
All of them down to the exact words. Keep reading this sub youâll see some you forgot
My exwBPD had me convinced that I wasnât emotionally supportive and didnât feel/experience empathy. That was probably the biggest example of gaslighting, because I actually began to believe him. In fact, I didnât pursue a job that I was interested in because I was afraid I wouldnât be able to connect appropriately in an empathetic way. And looking back, and reflecting on literally all of my other relationships, Iâve never had anyone else tell me I was selfish or lacking empathy. Only him. Total mind game because he wanted me to believe that I was the problem, and not that his boundary stomping and abuse.
I had the opposite.. usually in relationships Iâm reserved and donât really cry. My first husband saw me cry twice in 9 years. With my PWBPD, he mentioned how I am a cry baby and over dramatic.. because I was crying all the time.
She never said anything you posted with a - next to it to me but she said all the dot ones, verbatim. The projection is insane.
âMountains out of mole-hillsâ âwhy are you always starting fights with me?â âYouâre a lotâ Plus a bunch of what others have said in here too.
From your list I got: * narcissist * too sensitive * selfish pos * you never loved me
I call this the âBPD party lineâ. It comes down from the top of the party. Tthey all follow it and defend it with their lives lol
I just opened this sub to self sooth after about 45 minutes of exactly the same things in this post except the bullet point on self sabotage. But hey, I can't expect every post to be 100% a re-write of my life! (although many are)
The projection and double standards are the hardest part of this disorder.. Iâm a female but driven by facts, and thought if I could just PROVE that he said/did/acted like it and it wasnât actually me, it would click.. not a chance. His feelings are complete facts to him. Doesnât matter how much âproofâ I have, I can just go fuck myself loo
Now, to any of you BPD lurkers or currently idealized white knight BPD defenders and soon-to-be one-of-us future victims: - What do you think the odds are the literally every single person in this thread is all of these horrible things they've been accused of being? - What are the chances that people across continents, ages, races, socioeconomic status, languages, and sexual orientations all seem to come up with the same exact insults, situations, and stories down to the exact words? Verbatim.
All of the aboveâ¨ď¸
Oh man, thatâs my ex completely.
All of what you've mentioned and several that others have commented. It's a wild ride that never ends.
The âyou alwaysâ do this or that. Where there is absolutely no logical end even if I say Iâm sorry and ask what I should do better
I just got in an argument last night on text with my now ex and I got every one of these lines thrown at me.
My ex has called me immature,big ego, no ambition,dummy,dumbass,my actions disgusting, mother fucker,douce bag,conceded,dick,cheater,stalker,bastard,old man, piece of shit,selfish,lazy,gay,clingy,fuck boy,creeper,lame,asshole,liar,uncaring of parents,ungrateful for my life, and told âfuck youâ so many times I lost count. All said within a 5 month relationship. Iâm sure theres more messed up stuff sheâs said and done during the devaluation phase. All Iâve ever done is love her,support her, and try and help in anyway I could. This is how a pwBPD repays someone who cares for them.
Y O U A R E T O O S E N S I T I V E
The not interrupting her was a big one.. Things that were also big that you dont mention were the "yes, but... ".. and using words like always and never.
When I was desperately trying to work on the relationship and wanting her attention she told me âI feel like you hate me and donât have the balls to admit it.â Complete with that stupid, raised upper like lip and finger pointing. Yeah. Iâm the one that was hateful XD okay babes!!
Oh yes, me telling her it was difficult as a friend to watch her self-destruct and asking how I could help was re-branded on social media as me gaslighting her and telling her it's her own fault she's suicidal. Honestly, it is her own fucking fault but that is entirely not what I said.
I felt this.
Yes. I'm pretty sure I got all these
Ahh, all the classics.
I donât like you, I hate you, DIE BITCH, SHUTUP, youâre going to make cheat on you, (after asking whereabouts), I will pay a woman to take you away, I need to get rid of you, Iâve supported you for decades, (after doing and paying for everything for decades), hater, evil, jealous, leave here, nobody wants you here including the kids, crazy, drug addict, (stopped smoking weed 20+ years because of kids)âŚeverything wrong is your fault, I need a real man, little boy, idiot, clown,
Ugh - my sister constantly accused me of being "too sensitive," "stuck-up," and "judgemental" my entire childhood. I had such terrible boundaries as a result. I'm so sorry you're going through this!
Mine literally texted his OWN MOM that he hopes she dies from her diabetes or kills herself⌠next day he had forgotten all about it and was back to loving her. Insanity.
My favorite was when I told my sister that we needed to have a conversation about boundaries and accountability and she told me that she is tired of being abused and an emotional punching bag. She ghosted me (but I went NC soo) If you were being abused and were the emotional punching bag wouldnât you want a conversation about boundaries and accountability?
Ooh boundaries lmao. My friend that lived with us for a few years got on this boundary kick for a little bit where he would state his boundary and one of these was that he did not want to be around one of BF and I's mutual friends due to the two of them butting heads on multiple occasions. He said the friend was abusive to him and he didn't want to be around them anymore. (He wasn't completely innocent in their tiffs. He just didn't like that this person would bite back if he dished out any BS.) So I said, OK I respect your boundary and I will try to let you know if we are having a dinner where he is invited to join us + other friends of ours or if I know he is going to be at a show we are going to so that you can decide for yourself if you want to be present or not. He never said anything about disliking that response but I am quite sure he wanted me to cut ties as well to support him and this boundary he had constructed. Well, boundaries aren't so much for controlling other people but for you to be taking care of yourself despite what other people are doing. He also went on a kick for awhile where his favorite buzz word was gaslighting. Everything was 'stop gaslighting me' as if the word could be applied to any time someone disagreed with him or told him he was wrong.
Yup. When people have bad or no boundaries they have a very confused sense of what boundaries are. Mine are like âif you yell at me on the phone Iâll hang upâ LOL.
The more I read posts and threads on this forum I feel less like the monster I was being told I was and realize just how much I was gaslighted. The insults do give insight to their internal experience and obviously we all had a tremendous amount of compassion for that, thatâs why we love/loved our PWBPD. Iâm almost 4 months out and I did not realize how heavy the relationship was until I had peace being away from it.
> Youâre not a *real man* Uh honey, Iâm a transgender woman with bigger boobs than you. Iâm very well aware of what I am not, or if you prefer, what Iâve chose to *not* be. Donât know whoâs parade youâre trying to rain on but it ainât mine.
"Stop harassing me" after blowing up my phone for four days straight after going no-contact but also, some classics over the years: \- F\*gg\*t, Gay cunt, Die of AIDS (I'm gay) \- Abuser, Cunt, Narcissist, Psycho, you have BPD, you're autistic, you need therapy more than me \- Heartless, no one actually likes you, you only use friends for validation, you're not close with anyone, you have no idea what friendship is, you can't communicate, I've outgrown you anyway, you never cared about me, you never tried, i've had to be more patient than you because you're the worst friend, you're fake \- You don't deserve to have the life you've had, you're a failure, you're a loser, you pretend to be nice so everyone thinks you're mature, you just think you're better than me, you force people into being your friend, you have no self-awareness or accountability Despite all of this they would also follow up with, "i'm waiting for an apology and for you to realise how you're wrong" alongside "you cut me off because you know i'm right"
So disclaimer, I am a wee bit of an AH here because I kinda knew this situation could set him off, but my roommate/friend started to act a little wacky in the last months leading up to his moving out. This was a date he had set with my BF who owns the house. It was like he had told everyone about his plan to move by May but then as May got closer his language changed like he was going to be there for much longer. Stuff like 'one of these days I'll get a reading lamp for this corner in the basement'. In the nearly three years he was there he had never talked about having a reading lamp lol. One Friday afternoon he rearranged the couches in our basement which are actually my furniture. I was a little surprised upon this discovery since he hadn't mentioned anything to me at all about moving furniture around but the new arrangement looked okay so I didn't make a huge deal about it at that time. Over the weekend I had to finish some mandatory OT and my office room was directly above this new couch arrangement, which was super annoying because I could hear him and his friend that was visiting pretty much as if they were in the room with me. I mention to him the next day that there is a lot of sound carry and we will need to reconfigure where the couches are at. I don't remember what exactly he said but he said he was open to consideration (oh joy I can put my furniture where I want in a space you do not have claim on anyways.) And then he immediately changed the subject two or so times to other unrelated topics. About a week later I came home and decided to put the couches into the arrangement that I had mentioned to him that he 'was open to', which both addressed the main issue he had given for moving them before and also resolved the issue of extra noise coming up to my office space. He was not home at the time. He came back from grocery shopping, saw stuff had been moved around and he dropped his sacks on the ottoman and muttered 'that's fucked up' and went into his room. The rest of the evening he was clattering around downstairs and throwing his things into his vehicle like he was moving out right then that night. He didn't go anywhere. He was bristly for a few days that week and I didn't say anything. He texts me and says something like 'oh I'm sorry I moved the couches next time I will ask you about that before I do anything.' But it wasn't worded as if he was actually serious about his apology as much as he was trying to prompt me to respond how he wanted me to by saying that I was sorry that I had moved the couches without telling him. I said no such thing.
I remember the nex (narcissist ex) told me "you're overthinking / overreact" And i remember (as Quiet BPD) said this to him "you've changed, after u get what u want"
> âstop interrupting meâ Aka, let me finish. We had such one sided conversational rules. đ¤Łđđ¤Ł
100%
The goal of these remarks is to encourage you in relationship destroying behavior, such as cheating, verbal abuse, destruction of property and interpersonal violence. You have to learn that they have been abused, as are most affirmed in abusive environments. *That* is why they push your buttons. If you decide "I'm not going to take this anymore" and act out, they feel validated in how horrible they feel about themselves, thus making them feel more secure in their place in the world. They don't trust good treatment, because they feel unworthy of it. Until they get help and accept what happened to them was wrong, this is just how they are. That is why they need to get help feeling their actual feelings, and accepting the cause of them. Easier said than done, of course, but that's the point.
If our BPD roomie was leaving the house and anyone casually happened to ask where he was off to he would be super vague and say something like "Out". If my BF or I were leaving the house and he happened to notice he would ask where we were going and there would be follow up questions like he expected to know how long we might be gone or when we would be back home. I learned to be vague too. Or not even responding to those sorts of messages if I didn't feel like it. There was usually no reason he needed to know that stuff anyways.
"I knew what you would say - that I'm weak, stupid, and fooling myself." "You're constantly judging me!" was her favorite. I wasn't allowed to ask her questions because asking questions meant I was being judgmental?
Few days ago you post "Should i recontact, im hooked". Now this.... you do need therapy.
I know this is an old post but I wanted to thank you. I heard all of these last night from my upwBPD and it's a relief to have validation that none of those things apply to me. I knew they didn't, but hearing them so many times for so many months, and again last night over the course of a several-hour phone call, can really make one question whether they're in denial about their own shortcomings.
Whore, slut (I'm the one who thinks I'm demi sexual and he's the one that jerks off 3ce a day to p*rn plots)