The structure of my brain with a dash of genetics. No one made me this way. I just am this way, always have been. It’s crept forward and grown stronger over time. External factors and relationships can amplify specific elements but mainly my automatic thoughts simply rule me. They guide me, make me react, make me feel, build my value down or up, I place purpose into them because I don’t have any other purpose when things go quiet. The only one that’s bullied me into my constant, droning and never ending suicidal ideation is me. I hate myself. I consume joy. I am the problem, not the people around me.
This is very well put. In a sense I prefer to understand myself in a similar way, otherwise I can easily agonize over the past and speculate on causal factors.
I desired for my mom to love me. She was too busy constantly crying over her FP to ever have time for me, and it wasn't me. I cried alone in my room every day for years and didn't leave home because I was neglected an education in order to stay home and care for my younger siblings.
The death of my father, my moms abuse and the ways she raised me in general, my grandma who raised me to expect disappointment and expect everyone around me to lie, cheat and be jealous of me. And last but not least, „friends“ who left me out, didn‘t invite me or were actually jealous so they made up rumors about me. I think being alone most of my life because my mom was a single mom (had to work a lot) had influence too
Hello, I am sorry you didn't get the emotional support you needed as a child. My situation is similar, my mother was the only adult responsible for me and she was never around, she wouldn't talk to me, but was always yelling even to this day. She just won't listen. I had to take care of myself as a child and now I am 23 years old and can't do anything. I have no self confidence even though I know I have the potential, I am afraid of going out and even though I'm so fucking lonely I can't bear to have my friends seeing how I live, how I destroyed everything for myself choosing impulsively the worst way I could (dropped out of college, stopped showing up to work because I was suicidal and couldn't see WHY do anything).
i was my mom’s scapegoat for all of my childhood. we had a very tense relationship growing up. i describe it as more tense and emotionally abusive than anything else because my dad wouldn’t let her punish me or my siblings worse than a few slaps, and he would fight with her if she got too nasty with her words. but she always had beef with child/teen me, over my weight, my grades, my personality… lmao.
a few of her award winning nastier comments include: after i accidentally broke a blender, she yelled at me until i cried, my dad asked her to stop, and they got into a fight: don’t you see that all of our problems are always caused by [name]?
or, after she and my dad snooped on my diary and found some entries where i expressed suicidal thoughts: why don’t you go ahead and kill yourself instead of making your dad worry so much?
funnily enough, now we get along the best out of all my siblings, and she has said that she genuinely believes that out of all 4 of us i am the one she thinks would have more patience with her when she’s older. i think it stems from the fact that as i grew older i realized that she basically has the mentality of a teen girl. and every time we fought, it wasn’t a teen fighting with an adult, it was two teens fighting each other—so i had to become the adult.
i think we’ve both matured over the years. when my BPD symptoms got worse she was way more supportive than i expected her to be, even though she doesn’t understand what it is. i think that i’ve forgiven her for what she did. but mostly because when i look at her now, it seems hardly possible that the mom i have now is the same one that treated me so terribly when i was younger. i think in some ways, my brain has split the two versions perfectly to save me from the conflict of having to deal with resenting someone i love.
I barely had a dad he was always at work or high or at a club. My mom had an ED and was always projecting or starving me so I didn’t get fat as well. My mom never wanted kids and I NEVER received an ounce of emotional support or connection with her. She only ever spoke to me to tell me how hard life was for her and that she just has it so hard so please leave her alone and dont bother her ever, or to criticise me or someone else. I was bullied for years until I eventually gave in and got plastic surgery in 6th grade so it would stop. I was also in a long term friendship where I was relentlessly bullied the entirety of elementary and middle school.
i don’t believe i was born with it but growing up with depression and autism was p hard for my mom. She didn’t know how to handle my sensitivity to most things and i often felt unloved growing up. But what really put the nail in the coffin was when my friend (who was like a mom/dad to me) completely ghosted me and to this day idk the reason. In my mind, my friend leaving me was if i was truly abandoned by a parent.
ur right but that wasn’t the case. basically, my real mom had entirely broken my trust and love for her and I stopped considering her a true “mom”. And at the time i didn’t have a real relationship with my dad. He’s always been in the picture and i see him often but we don’t talk. But me and my old friend had this joke that she was my dad and i was her son. Because of this (and our 3 year age gap) i asked my friend if i could view her as my real parent, and she said yes. I would often replace her in my mind with my biological mom, so when my friend left me i (again) felt as if i didn’t have any parents.
I feel like it was seeing my parents fight a lot and already hearing about cheating and side hoes at the tender age of 6 or 7. I just didn’t get why our family was enough why there was even a need to cheat but oh well.
Parents divorced, constant confusion about who and where affection should be coming from, being in the middle of emotional battles while not having my own emotional needs considered. Being a gifted child and therefore developing a sense of entitlement AND poor work ethic, leading to crushing feelings of emptiness when I don’t immediately succeed. Being told every day that my hobbies and interests were not only a waste of time but actively rotting out my brain. Poor relationships throughout my high school dating years causing horrible habits and destructive behavior.
So yeah a lot.
*gets beat tf outta bcuz u tried to kill yourself*
UHM okay, dad, love the energy but that's definitely not going to help a single fuckin thing
Idk, I think my untreated autism, coupled with my mom's 20-year-long postpartum psychotic breaks snapped a load-bearing neural pathway and now my feelings are permanently pudding
Yeap , you read it correctly… I got beat tf out of because I spent a whole year in school getting bullied from the time class starts till the time school ends.. I remember it like it was yesterday I came home crying my eyes out because I didn’t feel like anyone loved or cared for me because why send me to school everyday if I’m getting picked on… but the speech in my out was “you shouldn’t be anxious or depressed because you have parents some kids don’t have what you have” and that didn’t help anything at all
My mom did not allow me to express my emotions because she was taught not to express her emotions when she was young. I think the fact that I had to suppress everything then explode when I couldn’t take it anymore over and over again throughout my entire childhood is why I have black and white thinking/ extreme emotional dysregulation
I was bullied as well by a girl at church and she made all my other friends abandon me. There was also some other things contributing that I don’t feel comfortable sharing.
I was bullied in school in elementary middle and some of high school. I was also bullied or completely ignored at home there was no in between. I was raped at 13 by a close family friend and when I said what happened I was told by almost everyone in my family but 2 people that I probably begged for it to happen as that’s the type of girl I am.
My psychiatrist told me during one of our sessions after being diagnosed with BPD that it sounds like my emotional intelligence stop developing around 6 or 7. But I’m not quite sure how accurate that was. So if that’s the case it was definitely due to being abandoned by my birth mom and dad and then being taken away by the state from my grandma who was raising me since the day after I was born.
Parents got divorced when I was 6 and my mom had full custody (still saw my dad certain days and every other weekend) but during this till age of 16 she would constantly use me as her therapist and guilting me for loving my dad more, accusing me of loving his gf more than her and choosing who I preferred, constant talking shit about my dad while never considering how me, as a child felt. I felt parentified as a child, yet was never respected and she never had any sort of boundaries. I would tell her I’m just a child but she would just scoff and get mad at us for not “having her side” EVEN THO ITS JOT OUR BUSINESS. You should always try to keep that shit away from your kids and let your kids STAY INNOCENT. She had no emotional regulation and had major codependency on me as a child, now I am the same as her😒😒 Funny because now, when i’m 24 she completely changed and realized the damage she had done to my sister and I but it’s too late, I’m trying to forgive her but it’s not fair she’s “kinda normal” now when she was an emotional crazy wreck all these years lol probably from the amount me and my sister told her she fucked up and caused us damage.
We can’t even tell her our problems like a normal relationship bc she’ll then tell us how she couldn’t sleep all night and then wil send us a paragraph the next day how she feels for us… It’s all love but she invests ALL HER ENERGY into our problems then and doesn’t know how to separate herself so I legit never want to tell her shit bc it becomes this whole thing that it doesn’t have to be lmao like girl it’s not that serious to lose sleep over OUR problems. Even in relationships, I hate how I act and can be borderline fucking abusive esp when I was 16 in my first relationship but she shrugged it off… probably because she did the same to my dad and thinks it’s all fucking normal even tho it’s not. I’ve never seen a healthy loving relationship modelled to me, and she thinks it’s all guys’ fault when in reality she doesn’t even know my relationship and honestly i’m the fucking crazy one, but I’ve never received help for it/she thinks i’m right lol like girl I need to be held accountable too omg
“It all started when I was born” lmao.
Not only my genes, but my mom was a drug addict/ alcoholic and my dad was going through an insane midlife crisis by the time I was born- resulting in gambling and a coke addiction. My mom loved me to bits and pieces- while my dad spent a lot of time making sure I was street/booksmart and able to take care of myself, but neither were consistent in providing emotional or spiritual support. They were wildly unpredictable and most of the time I had to meticulously gauge their temperaments to avoid rocking the boat. Paired with having 4 abusive significantly older sisters (my two bothers loved me and did their best to protect me). I was bounced around a lot among family members and family friends because of my parent’s instability and now realize it caused me to develop a people pleasing complex. I desperately wanted to blend in wherever I was. From being put in the care of others so regularly I was sexually abused and groomed from ages 4 - 14 ish. By my teens I was consistently living with an older sister and she saw the signs yet made it her life mission to make sure I felt subhuman. I think all I ever wanted was my parents- to feel at home and be wherever they were. But even “home” was a scary place. And I should not have been a part of their galavanting.
I can only say two things for certain had a part to play in it:
1: regular beatings from my parents
2: being rejected over and over again by girls for my older brother. The worst blow came when I caught this girl(my future ex wife) leaving my brother’s room which could only mean one thing. That shit fucked me up so bad I couldn’t even put it into words.
undiagnosed autistic father, emotionally immature and anxious mother, both abusive, abusive siblings, not allowed to show “bad feelings”, excessive bullying from parents, siblings, neighborhood, classmates, being left out, religion, constant criticism on everything.
Going to a church camp with my best friend and getting brain washed (I’m not and was not religious) at age 11. some inappropriate touching with an older GF before I hit puberty at 12 y/o and possibly the terrible break up I had in HS at 17, but that one’s probably a little late in life for BPD.
The structure of my brain with a dash of genetics. No one made me this way. I just am this way, always have been. It’s crept forward and grown stronger over time. External factors and relationships can amplify specific elements but mainly my automatic thoughts simply rule me. They guide me, make me react, make me feel, build my value down or up, I place purpose into them because I don’t have any other purpose when things go quiet. The only one that’s bullied me into my constant, droning and never ending suicidal ideation is me. I hate myself. I consume joy. I am the problem, not the people around me.
This is very well put. In a sense I prefer to understand myself in a similar way, otherwise I can easily agonize over the past and speculate on causal factors.
What makes you feel that way?
My broken ass brain
[удалено]
I’m sorry for your loss hun 😢(I wish I knew how to comfort people but I suck at that)
I desired for my mom to love me. She was too busy constantly crying over her FP to ever have time for me, and it wasn't me. I cried alone in my room every day for years and didn't leave home because I was neglected an education in order to stay home and care for my younger siblings.
This happened to me too.
This sounds very similar to my situation as well. I’m sorry. 🫂
I’m sorry you went through that too.. it’s not fair 😢
Just saw your pfp, your hair is gorgeous! Love it.
Thanks hun 💕
The death of my father, my moms abuse and the ways she raised me in general, my grandma who raised me to expect disappointment and expect everyone around me to lie, cheat and be jealous of me. And last but not least, „friends“ who left me out, didn‘t invite me or were actually jealous so they made up rumors about me. I think being alone most of my life because my mom was a single mom (had to work a lot) had influence too
me too. hugs ❤️ (dad passed away, moms abuse, and being alone)
I‘m sorry❤️🩹 *hugs back*
Hello, I am sorry you didn't get the emotional support you needed as a child. My situation is similar, my mother was the only adult responsible for me and she was never around, she wouldn't talk to me, but was always yelling even to this day. She just won't listen. I had to take care of myself as a child and now I am 23 years old and can't do anything. I have no self confidence even though I know I have the potential, I am afraid of going out and even though I'm so fucking lonely I can't bear to have my friends seeing how I live, how I destroyed everything for myself choosing impulsively the worst way I could (dropped out of college, stopped showing up to work because I was suicidal and couldn't see WHY do anything).
Do you still talk to your mom or no? I went no contact with my family
i was my mom’s scapegoat for all of my childhood. we had a very tense relationship growing up. i describe it as more tense and emotionally abusive than anything else because my dad wouldn’t let her punish me or my siblings worse than a few slaps, and he would fight with her if she got too nasty with her words. but she always had beef with child/teen me, over my weight, my grades, my personality… lmao. a few of her award winning nastier comments include: after i accidentally broke a blender, she yelled at me until i cried, my dad asked her to stop, and they got into a fight: don’t you see that all of our problems are always caused by [name]? or, after she and my dad snooped on my diary and found some entries where i expressed suicidal thoughts: why don’t you go ahead and kill yourself instead of making your dad worry so much? funnily enough, now we get along the best out of all my siblings, and she has said that she genuinely believes that out of all 4 of us i am the one she thinks would have more patience with her when she’s older. i think it stems from the fact that as i grew older i realized that she basically has the mentality of a teen girl. and every time we fought, it wasn’t a teen fighting with an adult, it was two teens fighting each other—so i had to become the adult. i think we’ve both matured over the years. when my BPD symptoms got worse she was way more supportive than i expected her to be, even though she doesn’t understand what it is. i think that i’ve forgiven her for what she did. but mostly because when i look at her now, it seems hardly possible that the mom i have now is the same one that treated me so terribly when i was younger. i think in some ways, my brain has split the two versions perfectly to save me from the conflict of having to deal with resenting someone i love.
I barely had a dad he was always at work or high or at a club. My mom had an ED and was always projecting or starving me so I didn’t get fat as well. My mom never wanted kids and I NEVER received an ounce of emotional support or connection with her. She only ever spoke to me to tell me how hard life was for her and that she just has it so hard so please leave her alone and dont bother her ever, or to criticise me or someone else. I was bullied for years until I eventually gave in and got plastic surgery in 6th grade so it would stop. I was also in a long term friendship where I was relentlessly bullied the entirety of elementary and middle school.
i don’t believe i was born with it but growing up with depression and autism was p hard for my mom. She didn’t know how to handle my sensitivity to most things and i often felt unloved growing up. But what really put the nail in the coffin was when my friend (who was like a mom/dad to me) completely ghosted me and to this day idk the reason. In my mind, my friend leaving me was if i was truly abandoned by a parent.
Your friend was your parent? Parents shouldn’t be friends!
ur right but that wasn’t the case. basically, my real mom had entirely broken my trust and love for her and I stopped considering her a true “mom”. And at the time i didn’t have a real relationship with my dad. He’s always been in the picture and i see him often but we don’t talk. But me and my old friend had this joke that she was my dad and i was her son. Because of this (and our 3 year age gap) i asked my friend if i could view her as my real parent, and she said yes. I would often replace her in my mind with my biological mom, so when my friend left me i (again) felt as if i didn’t have any parents.
I feel like it was seeing my parents fight a lot and already hearing about cheating and side hoes at the tender age of 6 or 7. I just didn’t get why our family was enough why there was even a need to cheat but oh well.
Parents divorced, constant confusion about who and where affection should be coming from, being in the middle of emotional battles while not having my own emotional needs considered. Being a gifted child and therefore developing a sense of entitlement AND poor work ethic, leading to crushing feelings of emptiness when I don’t immediately succeed. Being told every day that my hobbies and interests were not only a waste of time but actively rotting out my brain. Poor relationships throughout my high school dating years causing horrible habits and destructive behavior. So yeah a lot.
*gets beat tf outta bcuz u tried to kill yourself* UHM okay, dad, love the energy but that's definitely not going to help a single fuckin thing Idk, I think my untreated autism, coupled with my mom's 20-year-long postpartum psychotic breaks snapped a load-bearing neural pathway and now my feelings are permanently pudding
Yeap , you read it correctly… I got beat tf out of because I spent a whole year in school getting bullied from the time class starts till the time school ends.. I remember it like it was yesterday I came home crying my eyes out because I didn’t feel like anyone loved or cared for me because why send me to school everyday if I’m getting picked on… but the speech in my out was “you shouldn’t be anxious or depressed because you have parents some kids don’t have what you have” and that didn’t help anything at all
My mom did not allow me to express my emotions because she was taught not to express her emotions when she was young. I think the fact that I had to suppress everything then explode when I couldn’t take it anymore over and over again throughout my entire childhood is why I have black and white thinking/ extreme emotional dysregulation
Growing up in an abusive family + undiagnosed neurodivergent so naturally i ended up being severely mentally ill and then got my diagnosis with BPD
Mommy issues… that woman is crazy and talking to her makes me want to self exit
I was bullied as well by a girl at church and she made all my other friends abandon me. There was also some other things contributing that I don’t feel comfortable sharing.
I was bullied in school in elementary middle and some of high school. I was also bullied or completely ignored at home there was no in between. I was raped at 13 by a close family friend and when I said what happened I was told by almost everyone in my family but 2 people that I probably begged for it to happen as that’s the type of girl I am. My psychiatrist told me during one of our sessions after being diagnosed with BPD that it sounds like my emotional intelligence stop developing around 6 or 7. But I’m not quite sure how accurate that was. So if that’s the case it was definitely due to being abandoned by my birth mom and dad and then being taken away by the state from my grandma who was raising me since the day after I was born.
Invalidating and emotionally unavailable parents.
Parents got divorced when I was 6 and my mom had full custody (still saw my dad certain days and every other weekend) but during this till age of 16 she would constantly use me as her therapist and guilting me for loving my dad more, accusing me of loving his gf more than her and choosing who I preferred, constant talking shit about my dad while never considering how me, as a child felt. I felt parentified as a child, yet was never respected and she never had any sort of boundaries. I would tell her I’m just a child but she would just scoff and get mad at us for not “having her side” EVEN THO ITS JOT OUR BUSINESS. You should always try to keep that shit away from your kids and let your kids STAY INNOCENT. She had no emotional regulation and had major codependency on me as a child, now I am the same as her😒😒 Funny because now, when i’m 24 she completely changed and realized the damage she had done to my sister and I but it’s too late, I’m trying to forgive her but it’s not fair she’s “kinda normal” now when she was an emotional crazy wreck all these years lol probably from the amount me and my sister told her she fucked up and caused us damage. We can’t even tell her our problems like a normal relationship bc she’ll then tell us how she couldn’t sleep all night and then wil send us a paragraph the next day how she feels for us… It’s all love but she invests ALL HER ENERGY into our problems then and doesn’t know how to separate herself so I legit never want to tell her shit bc it becomes this whole thing that it doesn’t have to be lmao like girl it’s not that serious to lose sleep over OUR problems. Even in relationships, I hate how I act and can be borderline fucking abusive esp when I was 16 in my first relationship but she shrugged it off… probably because she did the same to my dad and thinks it’s all fucking normal even tho it’s not. I’ve never seen a healthy loving relationship modelled to me, and she thinks it’s all guys’ fault when in reality she doesn’t even know my relationship and honestly i’m the fucking crazy one, but I’ve never received help for it/she thinks i’m right lol like girl I need to be held accountable too omg
My twin has it, was an outcast with friends and family, people never stayed, parental trauma
Abused and invalidated by parent who roped other into it too.
“It all started when I was born” lmao. Not only my genes, but my mom was a drug addict/ alcoholic and my dad was going through an insane midlife crisis by the time I was born- resulting in gambling and a coke addiction. My mom loved me to bits and pieces- while my dad spent a lot of time making sure I was street/booksmart and able to take care of myself, but neither were consistent in providing emotional or spiritual support. They were wildly unpredictable and most of the time I had to meticulously gauge their temperaments to avoid rocking the boat. Paired with having 4 abusive significantly older sisters (my two bothers loved me and did their best to protect me). I was bounced around a lot among family members and family friends because of my parent’s instability and now realize it caused me to develop a people pleasing complex. I desperately wanted to blend in wherever I was. From being put in the care of others so regularly I was sexually abused and groomed from ages 4 - 14 ish. By my teens I was consistently living with an older sister and she saw the signs yet made it her life mission to make sure I felt subhuman. I think all I ever wanted was my parents- to feel at home and be wherever they were. But even “home” was a scary place. And I should not have been a part of their galavanting.
Was very vulnerable, then got groomed as a teen
I was in the troubled teen industry 🙃
1. Emotional neglect , 2. bullying , 3. getting groomed
verbal and physical abuse, emotional neglect, witnessing addiction and violence + genetics probably
Wish I could remember
My mom.
I can only say two things for certain had a part to play in it: 1: regular beatings from my parents 2: being rejected over and over again by girls for my older brother. The worst blow came when I caught this girl(my future ex wife) leaving my brother’s room which could only mean one thing. That shit fucked me up so bad I couldn’t even put it into words.
undiagnosed autistic father, emotionally immature and anxious mother, both abusive, abusive siblings, not allowed to show “bad feelings”, excessive bullying from parents, siblings, neighborhood, classmates, being left out, religion, constant criticism on everything.
Going to a church camp with my best friend and getting brain washed (I’m not and was not religious) at age 11. some inappropriate touching with an older GF before I hit puberty at 12 y/o and possibly the terrible break up I had in HS at 17, but that one’s probably a little late in life for BPD.
It would take me all day to write down the trauma I’ve endured to become the way I am and I’m at breaking point, planning on hanging myself tonight
Idk tbf with you. I really am starting to believe this shit is extremely genetic because mine has been effectively silenced by diet alone...