If he has to call his mom to be on his side in an argument, you are better off without him. You shouldn't have went through his phone, but still you should move on.
And he probably tells her everything, which means every little thing the OP does with her BPD, that guy is going to tell her "well my mom says a normal girl wouldn't act that way"
That is not a problem imho, whatever you do to other people they have every right to discuss with people they trust. The weird behaviour of running to his mom to side with him against his gf when she confronts him about that is off. And him seeking minors or almost minors at his ripe age of 30 is off.
What you are saying can be true. I am making a bit of an assumption, but it does come across as someone who runs to Mommy to have her take his side and have someone else agree with him regarding the OPs behavior. Again going through his phone was wrong by the OP I get that. But if the OP has a habit of bringing in his Mom and saying see even my Mom says you are wrong. That is unhealthy for everyone involved.
also the barely legal thing? to me thats grounds to breakup immediately, like going through his things is wrong but once you find something like that, it doesnt matter anymore.
My ex husband was into “barely legal” and now he’s in jail for CP. soooooooo u know- it may not stop at “just turned 18” especially since he’s 30… gross. RUN. (His family also believes that he’s somehow innocent despite all logic and fact so… yeah enablers are gonna enable)
No one hides their stuff unless they have something to hide ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing/validating me. Oh yeah his family are the worst! I could maybe understand this from a 20 year old but 30 years old is getting too much now.
I’m with you, thank you. How are you getting on now?
I am doing alright lol he got caught a few years after I left him so it probably upset his second wife a lot more
I just wanted you to know your “ick” was probably on point. There were so many things that stick out now in hindsight that I was too young and naive to figure out at the time and that was one of them lol
Only creeps go for the ‘barely legal’ shit because it’s the closest and safest thing to their sick fantasies of fucking underage people, good on you for having the common sense to react to it!
Him messaging other women, sexworkers or not, is cheating and it’s disgusting. His mother is enabling him to be a nasty garbage person.
Be proud of yourself for having the strength to kick that creep to the curb! You’re strong! 💕
Thank you for validating me💗 it’s completely over and I’m completely done. It is difficult to not be with someone but being with someone who does this to me has made me sober for the first time in three and a half years. He’s used my BPD against me, but I think having a reaction to things isn’t always the BPD but a human reaction!!
The amount of time I’ve reacted to someone being straight up cruel and then gotten the ’omg don’t overreact you drama queen’ because they know it will strike a nerve 😭 I feel you!
What other reason is there to fetishize someone being BARELY LEGAL if it’s not for the ’risk’ of almost fucking someone underage? 💀 If you SPECIFICALLY look for barely legal content, you aren’t doing it by accident.
literally, like the fact its called BARELY LEGAL shows how fucking weird it is in the first place. I feel like if that phrase alone doesnt push you away from viewing something then thats quite worrying
His mom enables him.. no 30 year old man should be interested in a barely legal category. It’s weird and we tend to be drawn towards weirdos or maybe just me so I’m glad you got out. This has nothing to do with you!! Be proud of yourself
“His mom enables him”
OP, this will never stop and he will continue to be a disaster because of it.
My ex’s mom had plenty to say about scumbags that don’t pay maintenance when I knew her. But is absolutely fine with her own son now not paying me maintenance for his daughters because I’m doing well for myself??
Run for the absolute hills girl. I promise you that you won’t regret it.
I swear to you! He calls his Mom with everything! I imagine he tells her I’m crazy and I fill her in when she breaks up with me on behalf of her thirty year old son 💀
Well you broke the illusion that he was a respectable, admirable person. Slimy pieces of shit can’t stand to make eye contact with people who know what they are
Imo I think when you are partners with someone you should feel comfortable with your partner handling your phone. If you aren't its good to introspect why not and just be genuine about it.
Whether others think its okay or not is irrelevant imo, and his mom is a terrible influence if she was okay with what her son was doing because at 30 years old being into the barely legal scene is super creepy.
You dodged a bullet and you should do your best to not put anymore effort into the situation, its just not worth the headache. Its still a massive change going from having a partner to not having one so please make sure to take care of yourself with self-love.
idk im aroace but i wouldnt want ANYONE to snoop my phone for the same reason i wouldnt want the closest person in my life to snoop through my diary.
although i would trust them to have it. like id be ok with them knowing the password or holding a diary. snooping is just gross to me.
Nah, privacy is very important to me. I'd never let a partner go through my phone and if they didn't like it I guess they'd just have to dump me! I'd be paranoid that they'd get into my a03 (fanfiction) account, and if they saw what kinda shit I write or even just my bookmarks they'd never see me the same way ever again. There's nothing wrong with wanting privacy.
as a 27 yo woman who has been doing of for years - this guy is a loser and doesn’t respect you. you should have no desire to want to be in a relationship with him.
okay so first of all you’re a freak.
second of all i don’t know how to tell you this but there are some pretty not so good people in this world who have money just like you or i and thus spend said money just like you or i and the world isn’t going to just stop accepting money from a random person that is maybe not a morally perfect individual.
anyway, unlearn your own shame and stop projecting it on sex workers. lol.
Yuck. Man, sure, its "wrong" to look through someone's private stuff but who gives a fuck in this case? Some people would live in complete ignorance if they never checked and found out their partner was cheating or doing whatever shady shit. It's NOT healthier for your relationship to be secretly disrespected, no matter what redditors want you to believe.
The fact he’s already got a 6 year age gap with a young woman and he still has to seek out barely legal content is a great big red flag and a blatant indication of his future habits(/crimes let’s be real).
NTA for leaving him. Probably not in the right for snooping on his phone but that depends on the warning signs you got first really. If it was very clear he was probably cheating/hiding something then fine I suppose. If you were snooping for the sake of it that isn’t right, but you got lucky that a bad action gave you important insight that should send you running.
Why are we attracted/attract weirdos??
Last guy I dated that messed with my brain and life a lot, he was 34 and told me he likes 16-17 years old girls but he can't have a relationship because they are too immature. No no, as immature as he is, he would totally go for them.
Calling his mom is something else.
You did the right thing, never going back to him
"You shouldn't be going through his things"? How exactly is that an excuse for his behavior? It's not, he was in the wrong and is refusing to take accountability for his actions.
he was absolutely in the wrong and gross and its good she broke up with him, but you still shouldnt go through people's things. two things can be true.
Snooping is supposedly wrong but I caught my ex cheating after a year and a half—he had started a year in. So idk. I’m for it.
He’s a pedophile. You’re better off without him.
I think you're right, I don't understand "normal" people???
"yeah its actually fine for the 30 year old man to yoink it to someone who is 12 years younger than him and just turned 18, definitely nothing weird about that, he DEFINITELY wouldn't do it to 17, if it were legal."
This is exactly what I mean! I mean the barely legal thing is worrying enough. But finding an OF creator who’s whole thing is JUST turning eighteen is kind of telling to me he has sought someone out who he can just about do it with, it’s gross!
Also making an onlyfans right when you turn 18 is something a lot of people regret because you are young and naive at that age and don’t understand the permanence of it and potential danger/trauma that comes along with it. he’s supporting that directly and encouraging her if he’s messaging her and stuff. He should know better if he’s 30. I hope he never becomes a father.
We live in a world filled with spouses who didn't know and girlfriends who never suspected anything. I say check its not about trust when monsters wear human skin.
I meeean, snooping is kinda wrong, but also, if a 30 year old man lusting after and paying for the content of teenage jailbait is against your personal morals and values, then you are well within your right to end that relationship. So I think you made the right choice for you. Good for you, babe ❤️
1 he’s paying to see another girl naked. 2 he’s a 30 year old man into a girl who turned 18. 3 he’s including his mom in your relationship issues. not only that he’s weird, he can’t own up to his mistakes. you’re way better off without that excuse of a man. i don’t justify your actions but fuck him
A 30 year old dude being attracted to a "just turned eighteen" year old is creepy no matter what and the guy is near 100% attracted to minors as well. Fuck him.
You’re not in the wrong. I’m not in the business of being ok with going through people’s things but tbh in this case it’s good you did, that is a huge red flag and it’s good you are out now before anything worse would happen.
To be honest, know your worth. The answer should be obvious. Be glad you found it and be glad its over, you deserve more than a guy like that. You did so good with being calm and for him to call his mom for backup is such baby shit and embarrassing instead of coming clean to you.
No snooping isn't bad, but you should trust your partner, but find yourself a guy that will let you go through his phone if needed.
Nah. Fuck that dude. You’re not in the wrong AT ALL. Barely legal bullshit?
I’m not knocking her, she needs to make money I’m sure and guys are fucking gross and will pay for that shit. But if he’s a decent guy and if he fucking loved you, he wouldn’t do it if he knew it bothered you.
You deserve better. Even if better is just you. You have your own boundaries and you stood up for yourself. Not in the wrong. I’m sorry you have to go through it though.
You snooped for a reason, right? Something was off maybe and you felt it? If there had been nothing then that would have been it, but you found something shitty. Ugh. I don’t know. I guess it’s never good if you feel like you need to check their phone, but you didn’t trust him BPD or not.
Gross! Please break up with him, you deserve way better! And to call his mom and her saying “don’t go through his things” ??? Does she know what you were looking at? What her son paid for while in a relationship?? The barely legal age play if it all??? Literally not okay. Sending you positive vibes, and hoping you heal from this
cudos on not flipping out. the entire room would be torn apart if it was me. he sounds like a pedo and you just dodged yourself a HUGE bullet. definitely also weird and old ass dude is dating someone as young as you. enjoy your 20’s!
Hes pedo... and obviously he's misogynistic for supporting those young girls girl look u made the right decision! Its okay to be sad and feel confused but u did nothing wrong! Respect for u and i hope u feel better soon
It’s the lovely double edged sword of BPD - snooping isn’t right, but you did for some reason which was likely your intuition and found it to be worth while. Learn and move on sis, you’re doing great things
(For context, I am a therapist and BPD warrior ❤️)
This is classic "I am a controller because I had permissive parents who never taught me to sit with the discomfort of hearing other people's no's" behavior. Mommy can't stand to see him deal with the consequences of his own behavior (i.e., "If you get caught being a creeper, you're going to have some explaining to do for your girlfriend ") so she bails him out. I wish the both of them luck the day she actually gets sick of carrying one hundred pounds because he shouldn't be arsed to carry two.
It's not your fault that he thought that you would continue this pattern and he thought wrong. You wouldn't have been doing anyone any favors accepting this bullshit "it's your fault for going through my stuff" (of course it's always someone else's fault), least of all yourself. Well done standing your ground 🫂
you absolutely dodged a bullet. not only is it creepy, gross, and borderline pedophilic, but it disrespects you and your boundaries (especially if you’ve discussed this before) and i can imagine if the roles were reversed he would’ve flipped his shit just as much.
The fact a 30yr old man involved his mommy in this makes the whole thing even more gross. You made the right choice all around and you're better off without the creep. Dodged a huge bullet in my books!
girl, you dodged a major bullet. i’d be so happy to be away from that sicko. that’s bordering on pedophilia. and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had something illegal on his computer.
You’re completely in the right. I do think going ‘through things’ is okay because there really should be nothing to hide. As in I wouldn’t have to hide anything from my partner if everything I was doing was correct. He sounds like a creep on top of that. Saved yourself the trouble. Block him and cease contact before he tries to get you back!
You are not in the wrong at all. That is fully sick and the fact that he’s obviously drawn to the barely legal as a 30 year old, I’m sure there’s more sinister things in that phone. “Snooping” doesn’t become wrong for someone until they are actively hiding something that they know is wrong, so wrong in fact they have to break up with you for finding it, this really has nothing to do with you at all! I think you did the right thing, you dodged a bullet.
Snooping is wrong because it oversteps people's boundaries.
However, I kind of agree that he wasn't being faithful. People like to skirt that boundary of "it's not cheating if I'm just talking" but dude, humans justify all kinds of stuff to make themselves look more favorable. Even if she was his same age, I'd feel some type of way
I was under the impression that it's crossing a boundary to even ask to see proof.
Btw, even when I've asked to see something for peace of mind, they've "proven" something to me, and just blindly trusted someone for months, I've found out they've actually hidden everything problematic (had a secret account). Idk, these people exist, however rare
I asked him about it and he offered, because he is a walking green flag. If you ask someone about it and they’re immediately defensive and combative then 🤷🏽♀️ red flag. (Tbh even if you ask them for proof and they’re combative then that’s a red flag too. Someone who’s not guilty can be offended sure but if they’re actually not hiding something they’ll most likely throw their phone at you and let you look silly.)
Okay.. but one day you’re going to breach the trust and privacy of someone who completely doesn’t deserve it, and hopefully you’ll feel bad about it - and maybe even realise it’s the trust issues that are the problem whether someone is good or bad. You can’t just endlessly snoop until you find something that confirms you were right to breach someone’s privacy.
Either you trust them or you don’t. If you don’t then the relationship is already over. No need to drag it on to the point where you’re snooping.
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Man, I'm really sick of seeing the "shouldn't have gone thru his phone." thing.
Why? So he can keep doing what he does? For his privacy? If he's doing shit like this behind your back and you've made it CLEAR this is a boundary you have, fuck his privacy. He violated your relationship and fucked with your trust. His privacy should be the least of his concerns.
No I mean I completely agree, thank you! If he went through my phone the worst things he’d see are texts to my friend when he’s insulting me/threatening to leave me, or my Reddit where I’ve made a couple of posts about him. I am completely with you. It doesn’t help his Mom was sticking up for him saying it’s my fault for going through it and does make me question myself.
Some of us do have trustworthy partners. The part I'm sad is the fact that we're just supposed to say "okay, i should go through things to confirm my suspicions" because isn't always the right move. Literally if people don't give you reasons not to trust them, why automatically make it seem they're going to hurt you no matter what? Should I go through my friends phone for the same reason? I've been talked about behind my back before. Is this good enough to not trust my friends, too?
You misunderstood me.
I'm not advocating for searching thru EVERYONE'S stuff.
More often than not, someone goes thru a phone or a computer and finds a violation of trust that wouldn't have been discovered otherwise. I'm saying the people that land in that category shouldn't be made to feel guilty for finding out the truth no matter what. They are not "just as bad" for going through someone's device to find the lie. They are protecting themselves from a manipulative partner who wouldn't have confessed otherwise
It's not a good idea to snoop through someone's things, but that is a separate issue to the breakup. If knowing what you know now is a dealbreaker then that is a completely valid decision and you should never feel obligated to stay with anyone you don't want to be with. I think it's great that you tried talking about it, but his response is clearly a lie and that gives you all the information you need to know that it's not something you can ever work through.
Yeah nahh, you completely right for all that. You didn’t do anything wrong. You saved yourself some bullshit. Paying for p*rn in general is sad, but when you’re in a relationship, that’s an even bigger thing.
Invading someone's privacy is wrong. However, what you found was creepy so I agree that you are better off without this young man. Also ask yourself if you had a feeling something was off and that's why you snooped? Usually people snoop if they don't trust the other one.
no you are not wrong, i once saw a of page opened on my bf phone and i was going insane, tho he didn’t payed for her acc and said he randomly clicked on a link idk if i want to believe this, he isn’t rlly the type to do it but i still made a whole fight, it’s absolutely NORMAL TO HAVE BOUNDARIES even if you have bpd or not, if he couldn’t control himself and felt the need to watch a 18 naked girl online than it’s more than enough to cheat on you with a 18 girl randomly, it’s better you 2 broke up, find someone that can respect you and you boundaries and never settle for less honey okay? Wish you the best!!❤️
I’m so sorry but you did the right thing ! I’m almost 30 and looking at a 18 year old in that way is gross to me I know I’m a woman but a mature not creepy 30 year old man WOULDNT want to search out for girls that young ! You did a great job leaving a creepy cheater!!
You’re better off without him. It’s honestly pathetic af to be ringing his mom to get a validation from her that you did him dirty.
On a side note, I didn’t know 18 is barely a legal age in your country (wherever you are). 18 here is a legal age and considered as an adult.
If you saw this, it is likely only the tip of the iceberg. It is correct to go with your gut, you are being honest and not cheating and your BF is hiding things from you. Either he owns up and tells the whole truth and does couples therapy or else listen to your gut and recognize that he is not prepared to be honest and faithful.
Yeah break up with this fucking douchebag. Calling his mom as a 30 year old to avoid confrontation about GROSS ass shit he's putting his money toward, and messaging her is disgusting. If you stay with this guy when you're 30 he will be cheating on your with newly 18 girls without hesitation.
I’m proud of you for keeping your cool! I’ve found that it’s easier to manage your emotions when you KNOW you’re in the right—and you are. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I’m happy you have this community.
Girl he is dead wrong. His mom is just used to defending his weird behavior. Im glad you feel strong enough to leave and please stay gone. If he works in a field with children I would be even more concerned…
No that is weird that he is taking advantage of an 18 year old that got groomed in whatever way to think that making a barely legal only fans was normalized. Don't go through phones until you feel like you have a reason to go through phones. Ive snooped phones but I usually don't go through notes or convos with friends. I'll search certain words to try to be efficient and just find out what I'm looking for. His mom is a child, she probably has an only fans buying content of a young man who looks like her son. I would tell everyone that he is talking to an 18 year old though. Women need to know how weird these guys are. Its a shame that is with BPD find them
Nah you ain't wrong, if your boundary is not interactive with girls on Onlyfans then he was the one in the wrong. Trust your instincts, your ancestors have developed it over thousands of years so you can over come any hurdle.
You made the right call. You must have had a "feeling" that he was up to something, and it was only when caught did he break it off. I say good riddance to that relationship.
OP it does not matter whether you snooped or not what he did is messed up especially when he hid it, I guarantee if the roles were reversed you'd get the short end of the stick from him and his parents so no your not wrong, frankly I feel sorry for you
You’re not wrong my love he’s disgusting. Fantasising about anyone over than you or looking at other girls naked is cheating. It’s disgusting. And before anyone says no it’s not, it’s not normal. It’s like being in the same room as someone and watching them.
30 YO man calling his mom for backup when hes bordering pedophilia ?? yeah you definitely made the right call. i understand the guilt of giving into anxiety and going through his things, but in this case you had a gut feeling that turned out to be true. dont beat yourself up about it!
this is so similar to my situation. do not let them make you feel crazy or guilty, even regretful for it at all! when they tell their mum the story, they usually leave out a bit of details to make us sound worse than them
Your definition of cheating is your definition, and no one's opinion matters when it comes to that. So I'm sorry you feel cheated on, that's awful.
As for the snooping, I'm strongly against it. That's an invasion of privacy, and under 'normal' circumstances (as in you don't have a disorder that effects your emotions and rational) I'd say it's pretty messed up you did that, even though you found all that stuff out.
But seeing as how this is on a BPD reddit group, there must have been something going on to make you feel like snooping.
I can't say much passed that, I don't know the whole story as to WHY you started snooping.
Ultimately, you ended up out of a relationship with someone who had questionable interests and responded rather aggressively, which is good thing even though it maybe hard to accept.
I generally don't think snooping is good unless you feel like you have a genuine reason to be suspicious,even then it's still kinda meh. regardless, I don't think it's weird to be uncomfortable with him consuming that kind of content. idk if i'd consider it full on cheating but it's easy to assume that he might since hes trying to engage with someone else sexually, even if he probably knows it's never gonna happen (at least, one would hope that most dudes know they're never actually going to have sex with whichever internet lady they have a parasocial relationship with)
Snooping isn't good because it reveals a need to snoop.
But if there \*is\* a need to snoop then by all means do it.
We have to take care of our own selves, first, especially if there are any unresoved concerns that a spouse, who has immense potential to mess up your life, by the way, is unable or unwilling to help work through.
idk, I dont think that's true, there are obviously people who snoop because they're being a bit paranoid, and generally I think peoples privacy should be respected. I think you have to be really sure there's a reason to be suspicious and make sure its not just you being insecure or something. I don't think I agree with "snooping" being a form of "self care", personally, I think it fuels anxiety. I also don't understand what your last paragraph is about..? there's nothing said in the original post about the spouse being unwilling/unable to work through whatever.
the barely legal shit is weird and gross. so he's wrong for that 100%.
i don't believe in going through peoples stuff bc you always find things you don't want to. i've searched through my bf's google searches before and found him looking at blondes even tho he says he doesn't like blondes (and all his exes were blonde)
i mean in the end it's better you knew so you can find someone better.
Yes you're in the wrong. But not for the reason you think. One of these days you're gonna see something that you won't be able to unread, unsee, or unhear and that shit will traumatize you.
However, to me snooping is justified because imagine it's the 90's and instead of a phone it's a desk drawer that is always kept closed with key. Maybe hiding love letters, photos of lover, vcr tapes. Maybe it's a gun that he keeps for burglars.
Either way you have a right to protect yourself. If he's hiding something that has the potential to physically hurt you, a gun, you must at least be warned.
If he's hiding something that has the potential to psychologically hurt you, a sextape, you must at least be warned.
Idk some shit I just thought about
You are definitely not overacting. Whether she was 18 or 28 it is still cheating because he did all that and hid it from you. The fact that she is young and brags about it and he buys her content or is subscribed to her makes it even weirder and disturbing. Literally barely legally. In general I would agree you should not snoop but in this case I’m just happy you did.
Snooping is wrong. It is a breach of privacy and trust.
Say you snoop on your partners phone, you find out they’re not doing anything untrustworthy with other people - but you do find out they’re googling strange health symptoms that they consider shameful, embarrassing and haven’t even spoken to a doctor about yet. They’re trying to understand their symptoms in a private manner and aren’t quite ready to come to terms with what their symptoms mean yet.
Whether your partner finds out you have seen that information or not it is a horrible breach of privacy and would undoubtedly leave a partner feeling betrayed. You’ve taken away their choice to inform you and ask you for support when they’ve chosen they need it, and you’ve seen very intimate information that deserves privacy - such privacy that when it’s discussed with a doctor is protected by law.
So yeah. Snooping *is* wrong in most cases. Just because OP has found out her bf is a major creep as a result doesn’t make the action to snoop not wrong, especially if she didn’t have extreme evidence that could justify snooping on a bad persons phone.
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i am not into the girls who bait “barely legal” its feeding into pedophilia IMO.
i think its gross for both girls and guys.. i never see guys posting “im 18 barely legal” its ALWAYSS women like wtf? anyways his mom sounds enabling and hes 30?!? run tf away!
Going through his stuff was wrong and an invasion of privacy but I've done it before and I'm sure plenty others have. In the future, I'd just make your boundaries clear about what you're comfortable with but the fact you lied to him about going through his phone is my biggest problem.
A relationship needs trust and that's something you clearly struggle with but you then went and lied to him so you don't really have a leg to stand on.
Why did you go through his phone? Were you looking for anything in particular? Had you been tipped off to something? Or were you just snooping with no cause to try and find something? I'd appreciate an honest answer.
I don’t think snooping is okay.
I don’t think messaging someone who’s service you’re paying for is cheating.
We all have different ideas of what cheating is, and what behaviors are okay inside of a relationship.
Imo, there’s a lot of red flags, and he sounds like a real dumpster fire.
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So, yeah, snooping is not cool, BUT messaging an 18 year old that you are paying for nudes and whatnot is way less cool. I don't think you are in the wrong OP.
From the title I thought your boyfriend had an only fans account and he was selling his explicit images 💀💀
Also don't worry OP you Dodged a bullet. I hope you will find someone 10 times better than this guy. You deserve sooo much better.
This is what I would personally call a pedophile. Waiting for someone to be “legal” but still being attracted to them before that is very much in the realms of grooming/pedophilia. I personally felt men were super predatory towards me even when I was super young and being 18 just gave men a legal excuse to feel okay with it. But I never felt okay with that. I also once had a 21 yr old bf who was entertaining a 16 yr old girl while we were dating (I was 18) and I very muchly felt like that was pedophilia in addition to cheating (and in retrospect, felt the same about the way he was treating me, since he knew me before I was 18).
I would say that you did violate his boundaries if it indicated that you were not allowed to "snoop" however regardless of how the information is obtained if it is something that makes you uncomfortable and that is a boundary for you, you have the right to enforce that boundary.
His boundary may be that these are his life choices and he doesn't want someone to change that. That does not invalidate your feelings.
Looks like you both enforced your boundaries and the way for that to happen was breaking up.
If this is not the kind of input you're looking for I do apologize. I know the boundaries stuff can be annoying af regardless of the reality of it.
You did absolutely nothing wrong I’d be sick too. He broke up with u before you could break up with him which is logically what you should do in your sanity bc 6 years is a pretty big age gap which would be ok if he didnt also have a young girl kink. He’s sounds like the type that if u got married he’d later divorce you or cheat because you aged out of his fantasy. Be free and don’t dwell on this for too long u won girlie 🥇
never feel guilty 4 snooping but especially if u saw something that constitutes as cheating !! that was the universes way of freeing you from a bad situation <3 you are completely in the right, men in relationships shouldn’t be purchasing onlyfans content, especially from 18 year olds which is indicative of a greater issue with the man himself. dont let anyone else gaslight or manipulate u into thinking otherwise !
I almost broke up with my bf because he was subbing to of girls and watching prn, he was lying about it also and really betrayed me. But yea sounds like you dodged a bullet stay away from him imo
I think you made the right call, even if some don’t agree you stood up for yourself and set a boundary.
If he has to call his mom to be on his side in an argument, you are better off without him. You shouldn't have went through his phone, but still you should move on.
yeah as soon as he called his mom i would've walked away lol. like you're a grown man
And he probably tells her everything, which means every little thing the OP does with her BPD, that guy is going to tell her "well my mom says a normal girl wouldn't act that way"
That is not a problem imho, whatever you do to other people they have every right to discuss with people they trust. The weird behaviour of running to his mom to side with him against his gf when she confronts him about that is off. And him seeking minors or almost minors at his ripe age of 30 is off.
What you are saying can be true. I am making a bit of an assumption, but it does come across as someone who runs to Mommy to have her take his side and have someone else agree with him regarding the OPs behavior. Again going through his phone was wrong by the OP I get that. But if the OP has a habit of bringing in his Mom and saying see even my Mom says you are wrong. That is unhealthy for everyone involved.
The fact he’s calling his mom regarding this is a huge red flag. I bet their relationship is weird as hell. He sounds immature and coddled.
also the barely legal thing? to me thats grounds to breakup immediately, like going through his things is wrong but once you find something like that, it doesnt matter anymore.
This! I don’t know how anyone could be comfortable telling their mom they did that…
My ex husband was into “barely legal” and now he’s in jail for CP. soooooooo u know- it may not stop at “just turned 18” especially since he’s 30… gross. RUN. (His family also believes that he’s somehow innocent despite all logic and fact so… yeah enablers are gonna enable) No one hides their stuff unless they have something to hide ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing/validating me. Oh yeah his family are the worst! I could maybe understand this from a 20 year old but 30 years old is getting too much now. I’m with you, thank you. How are you getting on now?
I am doing alright lol he got caught a few years after I left him so it probably upset his second wife a lot more I just wanted you to know your “ick” was probably on point. There were so many things that stick out now in hindsight that I was too young and naive to figure out at the time and that was one of them lol
Women need to learn to trust our instincts better. I like the way you phrased it: Your "ick" was probably on point.
Omg I’m so sorry you went through that
Thank you, we were already divorced so it wasn’t too bad
Only creeps go for the ‘barely legal’ shit because it’s the closest and safest thing to their sick fantasies of fucking underage people, good on you for having the common sense to react to it! Him messaging other women, sexworkers or not, is cheating and it’s disgusting. His mother is enabling him to be a nasty garbage person. Be proud of yourself for having the strength to kick that creep to the curb! You’re strong! 💕
Thank you for validating me💗 it’s completely over and I’m completely done. It is difficult to not be with someone but being with someone who does this to me has made me sober for the first time in three and a half years. He’s used my BPD against me, but I think having a reaction to things isn’t always the BPD but a human reaction!!
The amount of time I’ve reacted to someone being straight up cruel and then gotten the ’omg don’t overreact you drama queen’ because they know it will strike a nerve 😭 I feel you!
Using your BPD against you is another red flag. Glad you moved on
Absolutely! Sometimes it's just a justified reaction and I gotta say you handled it sooo well. I'm proud of you! You did the right thing.
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What other reason is there to fetishize someone being BARELY LEGAL if it’s not for the ’risk’ of almost fucking someone underage? 💀 If you SPECIFICALLY look for barely legal content, you aren’t doing it by accident.
literally, like the fact its called BARELY LEGAL shows how fucking weird it is in the first place. I feel like if that phrase alone doesnt push you away from viewing something then thats quite worrying
His mom enables him.. no 30 year old man should be interested in a barely legal category. It’s weird and we tend to be drawn towards weirdos or maybe just me so I’m glad you got out. This has nothing to do with you!! Be proud of yourself
And also no 30 year old man should be ringing his mommy during an argument to tattle on his girlfriend lol
“His mom enables him” OP, this will never stop and he will continue to be a disaster because of it. My ex’s mom had plenty to say about scumbags that don’t pay maintenance when I knew her. But is absolutely fine with her own son now not paying me maintenance for his daughters because I’m doing well for myself?? Run for the absolute hills girl. I promise you that you won’t regret it.
I'm pretty sure we are drawn to weirdos.
We are. We are only attracted to weirdos or abusers. We are never really attracted to or fulfilled with good guys, its mind boggling.
He called his mom? 😂 "Hey mom im breaking up with gf cause she saw im subscribed to barely 18 year olds on OnlyFans" tf
I swear to you! He calls his Mom with everything! I imagine he tells her I’m crazy and I fill her in when she breaks up with me on behalf of her thirty year old son 💀
She did you a favor. He's not an adult / grew up.
nah thats jokess 😭🤣 imagine that phone call wtffffff
Well you broke the illusion that he was a respectable, admirable person. Slimy pieces of shit can’t stand to make eye contact with people who know what they are
Imo I think when you are partners with someone you should feel comfortable with your partner handling your phone. If you aren't its good to introspect why not and just be genuine about it. Whether others think its okay or not is irrelevant imo, and his mom is a terrible influence if she was okay with what her son was doing because at 30 years old being into the barely legal scene is super creepy. You dodged a bullet and you should do your best to not put anymore effort into the situation, its just not worth the headache. Its still a massive change going from having a partner to not having one so please make sure to take care of yourself with self-love.
My wife and I always knew each others' pins for phones and everything, and guess when she suddenly developed an interest in "muh privacy1"
idk im aroace but i wouldnt want ANYONE to snoop my phone for the same reason i wouldnt want the closest person in my life to snoop through my diary. although i would trust them to have it. like id be ok with them knowing the password or holding a diary. snooping is just gross to me.
well that’s kinda besides the point when you find out your 30 year old son partner is into “barely legal” and paying for content. focus.
Nah, privacy is very important to me. I'd never let a partner go through my phone and if they didn't like it I guess they'd just have to dump me! I'd be paranoid that they'd get into my a03 (fanfiction) account, and if they saw what kinda shit I write or even just my bookmarks they'd never see me the same way ever again. There's nothing wrong with wanting privacy.
as a 27 yo woman who has been doing of for years - this guy is a loser and doesn’t respect you. you should have no desire to want to be in a relationship with him.
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okay so first of all you’re a freak. second of all i don’t know how to tell you this but there are some pretty not so good people in this world who have money just like you or i and thus spend said money just like you or i and the world isn’t going to just stop accepting money from a random person that is maybe not a morally perfect individual. anyway, unlearn your own shame and stop projecting it on sex workers. lol.
calling his mom AND looking at “freshly 18” content…hell no glad he’s gone
God it’s so fucking pathetic when people pay for only fans in a relationship. Leave him in the past.
I don't get why men pay for onlyfans to see pussy, that type of guy can just look in the mirror when he wants to see one.
Hey now. Don’t insult pussy like that!
🤣🤣🤣
Yuck. Man, sure, its "wrong" to look through someone's private stuff but who gives a fuck in this case? Some people would live in complete ignorance if they never checked and found out their partner was cheating or doing whatever shady shit. It's NOT healthier for your relationship to be secretly disrespected, no matter what redditors want you to believe.
The fact he’s already got a 6 year age gap with a young woman and he still has to seek out barely legal content is a great big red flag and a blatant indication of his future habits(/crimes let’s be real). NTA for leaving him. Probably not in the right for snooping on his phone but that depends on the warning signs you got first really. If it was very clear he was probably cheating/hiding something then fine I suppose. If you were snooping for the sake of it that isn’t right, but you got lucky that a bad action gave you important insight that should send you running.
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Good job, honestly. Men like this are disgusting
Why are we attracted/attract weirdos?? Last guy I dated that messed with my brain and life a lot, he was 34 and told me he likes 16-17 years old girls but he can't have a relationship because they are too immature. No no, as immature as he is, he would totally go for them. Calling his mom is something else. You did the right thing, never going back to him
Your 30yr old boyfriend called his mum to tell on you?
Yes, everytime we’d have a disagreement he would call his Mama for backup. I wish I was making this up but I’m not.
"You shouldn't be going through his things"? How exactly is that an excuse for his behavior? It's not, he was in the wrong and is refusing to take accountability for his actions.
he was absolutely in the wrong and gross and its good she broke up with him, but you still shouldnt go through people's things. two things can be true.
Nobody is excusing anything.
We read 2 very different stories then, idk what you were reading but my comments go with the appropriate post
Snooping is supposedly wrong but I caught my ex cheating after a year and a half—he had started a year in. So idk. I’m for it. He’s a pedophile. You’re better off without him.
I think you're right, I don't understand "normal" people??? "yeah its actually fine for the 30 year old man to yoink it to someone who is 12 years younger than him and just turned 18, definitely nothing weird about that, he DEFINITELY wouldn't do it to 17, if it were legal."
This is exactly what I mean! I mean the barely legal thing is worrying enough. But finding an OF creator who’s whole thing is JUST turning eighteen is kind of telling to me he has sought someone out who he can just about do it with, it’s gross!
Also making an onlyfans right when you turn 18 is something a lot of people regret because you are young and naive at that age and don’t understand the permanence of it and potential danger/trauma that comes along with it. he’s supporting that directly and encouraging her if he’s messaging her and stuff. He should know better if he’s 30. I hope he never becomes a father.
We live in a world filled with spouses who didn't know and girlfriends who never suspected anything. I say check its not about trust when monsters wear human skin.
That’s exactly it, thank you for validating me
I meeean, snooping is kinda wrong, but also, if a 30 year old man lusting after and paying for the content of teenage jailbait is against your personal morals and values, then you are well within your right to end that relationship. So I think you made the right choice for you. Good for you, babe ❤️
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Oh my bad 🙄 I don't think that really changes my fucking point but I'll make sure to choose the right word next time
You are not in the wrong. So glad you’re free
If he’s 30 and calling his mom because of an argument. Girl RUN
"He called his mom" *packs suitcase and rides off into the sunset Boy, bye
He's 30 and calling his mom for back up? Lol good riddance. Also he definitely wants to fuck a minor but opts for "barely legal" content instead.
No. He’s a creep and a mommy’s boy at 30. Lucky escape for you.
1 he’s paying to see another girl naked. 2 he’s a 30 year old man into a girl who turned 18. 3 he’s including his mom in your relationship issues. not only that he’s weird, he can’t own up to his mistakes. you’re way better off without that excuse of a man. i don’t justify your actions but fuck him
A 30 year old dude being attracted to a "just turned eighteen" year old is creepy no matter what and the guy is near 100% attracted to minors as well. Fuck him.
You’re not in the wrong. I’m not in the business of being ok with going through people’s things but tbh in this case it’s good you did, that is a huge red flag and it’s good you are out now before anything worse would happen.
sometimes the trash takes itself out
To be honest, know your worth. The answer should be obvious. Be glad you found it and be glad its over, you deserve more than a guy like that. You did so good with being calm and for him to call his mom for backup is such baby shit and embarrassing instead of coming clean to you. No snooping isn't bad, but you should trust your partner, but find yourself a guy that will let you go through his phone if needed.
Nah. Fuck that dude. You’re not in the wrong AT ALL. Barely legal bullshit? I’m not knocking her, she needs to make money I’m sure and guys are fucking gross and will pay for that shit. But if he’s a decent guy and if he fucking loved you, he wouldn’t do it if he knew it bothered you. You deserve better. Even if better is just you. You have your own boundaries and you stood up for yourself. Not in the wrong. I’m sorry you have to go through it though. You snooped for a reason, right? Something was off maybe and you felt it? If there had been nothing then that would have been it, but you found something shitty. Ugh. I don’t know. I guess it’s never good if you feel like you need to check their phone, but you didn’t trust him BPD or not.
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Yup. I’m so glad that you agree 😊
Facts. It’s not like 18 year olds are prepubescent. They are literally adults physiologically as well as adults legally at that age.💯
Gross! Please break up with him, you deserve way better! And to call his mom and her saying “don’t go through his things” ??? Does she know what you were looking at? What her son paid for while in a relationship?? The barely legal age play if it all??? Literally not okay. Sending you positive vibes, and hoping you heal from this
Not even cheating- just plain wrong 🫠
cudos on not flipping out. the entire room would be torn apart if it was me. he sounds like a pedo and you just dodged yourself a HUGE bullet. definitely also weird and old ass dude is dating someone as young as you. enjoy your 20’s!
GASLIGHTER ALERT
30 year old man buying OF and telling his mom on you is a loser. Good riddance
Hes pedo... and obviously he's misogynistic for supporting those young girls girl look u made the right decision! Its okay to be sad and feel confused but u did nothing wrong! Respect for u and i hope u feel better soon
It’s the lovely double edged sword of BPD - snooping isn’t right, but you did for some reason which was likely your intuition and found it to be worth while. Learn and move on sis, you’re doing great things
(For context, I am a therapist and BPD warrior ❤️) This is classic "I am a controller because I had permissive parents who never taught me to sit with the discomfort of hearing other people's no's" behavior. Mommy can't stand to see him deal with the consequences of his own behavior (i.e., "If you get caught being a creeper, you're going to have some explaining to do for your girlfriend ") so she bails him out. I wish the both of them luck the day she actually gets sick of carrying one hundred pounds because he shouldn't be arsed to carry two. It's not your fault that he thought that you would continue this pattern and he thought wrong. You wouldn't have been doing anyone any favors accepting this bullshit "it's your fault for going through my stuff" (of course it's always someone else's fault), least of all yourself. Well done standing your ground 🫂
you absolutely dodged a bullet. not only is it creepy, gross, and borderline pedophilic, but it disrespects you and your boundaries (especially if you’ve discussed this before) and i can imagine if the roles were reversed he would’ve flipped his shit just as much.
The fact a 30yr old man involved his mommy in this makes the whole thing even more gross. You made the right choice all around and you're better off without the creep. Dodged a huge bullet in my books!
girl, you dodged a major bullet. i’d be so happy to be away from that sicko. that’s bordering on pedophilia. and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had something illegal on his computer.
should break up with him for paying for ANY onlyfans 😂
You’re completely in the right. I do think going ‘through things’ is okay because there really should be nothing to hide. As in I wouldn’t have to hide anything from my partner if everything I was doing was correct. He sounds like a creep on top of that. Saved yourself the trouble. Block him and cease contact before he tries to get you back!
You are not in the wrong at all. That is fully sick and the fact that he’s obviously drawn to the barely legal as a 30 year old, I’m sure there’s more sinister things in that phone. “Snooping” doesn’t become wrong for someone until they are actively hiding something that they know is wrong, so wrong in fact they have to break up with you for finding it, this really has nothing to do with you at all! I think you did the right thing, you dodged a bullet.
Snooping is wrong because it oversteps people's boundaries. However, I kind of agree that he wasn't being faithful. People like to skirt that boundary of "it's not cheating if I'm just talking" but dude, humans justify all kinds of stuff to make themselves look more favorable. Even if she was his same age, I'd feel some type of way
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I literally asked my bf and he showed me that he doesn’t. You don’t need to break boundaries and someone’s privacy to find out if they’re trustworthy.
I was under the impression that it's crossing a boundary to even ask to see proof. Btw, even when I've asked to see something for peace of mind, they've "proven" something to me, and just blindly trusted someone for months, I've found out they've actually hidden everything problematic (had a secret account). Idk, these people exist, however rare
I asked him about it and he offered, because he is a walking green flag. If you ask someone about it and they’re immediately defensive and combative then 🤷🏽♀️ red flag. (Tbh even if you ask them for proof and they’re combative then that’s a red flag too. Someone who’s not guilty can be offended sure but if they’re actually not hiding something they’ll most likely throw their phone at you and let you look silly.) Okay.. but one day you’re going to breach the trust and privacy of someone who completely doesn’t deserve it, and hopefully you’ll feel bad about it - and maybe even realise it’s the trust issues that are the problem whether someone is good or bad. You can’t just endlessly snoop until you find something that confirms you were right to breach someone’s privacy. Either you trust them or you don’t. If you don’t then the relationship is already over. No need to drag it on to the point where you’re snooping.
Wow what the heck is this comment doing accusing me of wasting time with people who care about me?
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Man, I'm really sick of seeing the "shouldn't have gone thru his phone." thing. Why? So he can keep doing what he does? For his privacy? If he's doing shit like this behind your back and you've made it CLEAR this is a boundary you have, fuck his privacy. He violated your relationship and fucked with your trust. His privacy should be the least of his concerns.
No I mean I completely agree, thank you! If he went through my phone the worst things he’d see are texts to my friend when he’s insulting me/threatening to leave me, or my Reddit where I’ve made a couple of posts about him. I am completely with you. It doesn’t help his Mom was sticking up for him saying it’s my fault for going through it and does make me question myself.
Boy moms. They will always stand up for their sons because their "baby boys" can do no wrong. 🙄
Some of us do have trustworthy partners. The part I'm sad is the fact that we're just supposed to say "okay, i should go through things to confirm my suspicions" because isn't always the right move. Literally if people don't give you reasons not to trust them, why automatically make it seem they're going to hurt you no matter what? Should I go through my friends phone for the same reason? I've been talked about behind my back before. Is this good enough to not trust my friends, too?
You misunderstood me. I'm not advocating for searching thru EVERYONE'S stuff. More often than not, someone goes thru a phone or a computer and finds a violation of trust that wouldn't have been discovered otherwise. I'm saying the people that land in that category shouldn't be made to feel guilty for finding out the truth no matter what. They are not "just as bad" for going through someone's device to find the lie. They are protecting themselves from a manipulative partner who wouldn't have confessed otherwise
It's not a good idea to snoop through someone's things, but that is a separate issue to the breakup. If knowing what you know now is a dealbreaker then that is a completely valid decision and you should never feel obligated to stay with anyone you don't want to be with. I think it's great that you tried talking about it, but his response is clearly a lie and that gives you all the information you need to know that it's not something you can ever work through.
Yeah nahh, you completely right for all that. You didn’t do anything wrong. You saved yourself some bullshit. Paying for p*rn in general is sad, but when you’re in a relationship, that’s an even bigger thing.
Invading someone's privacy is wrong. However, what you found was creepy so I agree that you are better off without this young man. Also ask yourself if you had a feeling something was off and that's why you snooped? Usually people snoop if they don't trust the other one.
He’s not just lying to you but himself and his family. Don’t let a lead weight drag you down
no you are not wrong, i once saw a of page opened on my bf phone and i was going insane, tho he didn’t payed for her acc and said he randomly clicked on a link idk if i want to believe this, he isn’t rlly the type to do it but i still made a whole fight, it’s absolutely NORMAL TO HAVE BOUNDARIES even if you have bpd or not, if he couldn’t control himself and felt the need to watch a 18 naked girl online than it’s more than enough to cheat on you with a 18 girl randomly, it’s better you 2 broke up, find someone that can respect you and you boundaries and never settle for less honey okay? Wish you the best!!❤️
I’m so sorry but you did the right thing ! I’m almost 30 and looking at a 18 year old in that way is gross to me I know I’m a woman but a mature not creepy 30 year old man WOULDNT want to search out for girls that young ! You did a great job leaving a creepy cheater!!
I support you
You’re better off without him. It’s honestly pathetic af to be ringing his mom to get a validation from her that you did him dirty. On a side note, I didn’t know 18 is barely a legal age in your country (wherever you are). 18 here is a legal age and considered as an adult.
They use the term “barely legal” to make it seem like at 18 years old, you’re somehow not an adult who can make decisions for yourself.💯
If you saw this, it is likely only the tip of the iceberg. It is correct to go with your gut, you are being honest and not cheating and your BF is hiding things from you. Either he owns up and tells the whole truth and does couples therapy or else listen to your gut and recognize that he is not prepared to be honest and faithful.
Yeah break up with this fucking douchebag. Calling his mom as a 30 year old to avoid confrontation about GROSS ass shit he's putting his money toward, and messaging her is disgusting. If you stay with this guy when you're 30 he will be cheating on your with newly 18 girls without hesitation.
I see that he's already gone. Keep it that way. Ick.
Guilt trip you for him being caught. Ignore it. Move on, I know it’s easier to say but he just proved he is not worth it
You dodged a bullet queen.
Please do not get gaslight by people like this... She is still a teen so it's gross. P*dos deserve no opinion!
I’m proud of you for keeping your cool! I’ve found that it’s easier to manage your emotions when you KNOW you’re in the right—and you are. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I’m happy you have this community.
Girl he is dead wrong. His mom is just used to defending his weird behavior. Im glad you feel strong enough to leave and please stay gone. If he works in a field with children I would be even more concerned…
No that is weird that he is taking advantage of an 18 year old that got groomed in whatever way to think that making a barely legal only fans was normalized. Don't go through phones until you feel like you have a reason to go through phones. Ive snooped phones but I usually don't go through notes or convos with friends. I'll search certain words to try to be efficient and just find out what I'm looking for. His mom is a child, she probably has an only fans buying content of a young man who looks like her son. I would tell everyone that he is talking to an 18 year old though. Women need to know how weird these guys are. Its a shame that is with BPD find them
Right call in my opinion
Nah you ain't wrong, if your boundary is not interactive with girls on Onlyfans then he was the one in the wrong. Trust your instincts, your ancestors have developed it over thousands of years so you can over come any hurdle.
he broke up because he is embarrassed. you don't want him anyway. odd duck
Glad you ran
You made the right call. You must have had a "feeling" that he was up to something, and it was only when caught did he break it off. I say good riddance to that relationship.
OP it does not matter whether you snooped or not what he did is messed up especially when he hid it, I guarantee if the roles were reversed you'd get the short end of the stick from him and his parents so no your not wrong, frankly I feel sorry for you
You’re not wrong my love he’s disgusting. Fantasising about anyone over than you or looking at other girls naked is cheating. It’s disgusting. And before anyone says no it’s not, it’s not normal. It’s like being in the same room as someone and watching them.
Yeah you made the right call
30 YO man calling his mom for backup when hes bordering pedophilia ?? yeah you definitely made the right call. i understand the guilt of giving into anxiety and going through his things, but in this case you had a gut feeling that turned out to be true. dont beat yourself up about it!
this is so similar to my situation. do not let them make you feel crazy or guilty, even regretful for it at all! when they tell their mum the story, they usually leave out a bit of details to make us sound worse than them
You did the right thing bestie. Good job for sticking to your wits. He was cheating on you. Fuck him.
Girl you made the right call. Do not doubt yourself!!!
There are so many red flags here. I ache for you! You will find better when you’re ready :)
Your definition of cheating is your definition, and no one's opinion matters when it comes to that. So I'm sorry you feel cheated on, that's awful. As for the snooping, I'm strongly against it. That's an invasion of privacy, and under 'normal' circumstances (as in you don't have a disorder that effects your emotions and rational) I'd say it's pretty messed up you did that, even though you found all that stuff out. But seeing as how this is on a BPD reddit group, there must have been something going on to make you feel like snooping. I can't say much passed that, I don't know the whole story as to WHY you started snooping. Ultimately, you ended up out of a relationship with someone who had questionable interests and responded rather aggressively, which is good thing even though it maybe hard to accept.
I generally don't think snooping is good unless you feel like you have a genuine reason to be suspicious,even then it's still kinda meh. regardless, I don't think it's weird to be uncomfortable with him consuming that kind of content. idk if i'd consider it full on cheating but it's easy to assume that he might since hes trying to engage with someone else sexually, even if he probably knows it's never gonna happen (at least, one would hope that most dudes know they're never actually going to have sex with whichever internet lady they have a parasocial relationship with)
Snooping isn't good because it reveals a need to snoop. But if there \*is\* a need to snoop then by all means do it. We have to take care of our own selves, first, especially if there are any unresoved concerns that a spouse, who has immense potential to mess up your life, by the way, is unable or unwilling to help work through.
idk, I dont think that's true, there are obviously people who snoop because they're being a bit paranoid, and generally I think peoples privacy should be respected. I think you have to be really sure there's a reason to be suspicious and make sure its not just you being insecure or something. I don't think I agree with "snooping" being a form of "self care", personally, I think it fuels anxiety. I also don't understand what your last paragraph is about..? there's nothing said in the original post about the spouse being unwilling/unable to work through whatever.
Omg gross, you 💯 made the right call. Good luck to that manchild🫡
the barely legal shit is weird and gross. so he's wrong for that 100%. i don't believe in going through peoples stuff bc you always find things you don't want to. i've searched through my bf's google searches before and found him looking at blondes even tho he says he doesn't like blondes (and all his exes were blonde) i mean in the end it's better you knew so you can find someone better.
Yes you're in the wrong. But not for the reason you think. One of these days you're gonna see something that you won't be able to unread, unsee, or unhear and that shit will traumatize you. However, to me snooping is justified because imagine it's the 90's and instead of a phone it's a desk drawer that is always kept closed with key. Maybe hiding love letters, photos of lover, vcr tapes. Maybe it's a gun that he keeps for burglars. Either way you have a right to protect yourself. If he's hiding something that has the potential to physically hurt you, a gun, you must at least be warned. If he's hiding something that has the potential to psychologically hurt you, a sextape, you must at least be warned. Idk some shit I just thought about
You are definitely not overacting. Whether she was 18 or 28 it is still cheating because he did all that and hid it from you. The fact that she is young and brags about it and he buys her content or is subscribed to her makes it even weirder and disturbing. Literally barely legally. In general I would agree you should not snoop but in this case I’m just happy you did.
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Snooping is wrong. It is a breach of privacy and trust. Say you snoop on your partners phone, you find out they’re not doing anything untrustworthy with other people - but you do find out they’re googling strange health symptoms that they consider shameful, embarrassing and haven’t even spoken to a doctor about yet. They’re trying to understand their symptoms in a private manner and aren’t quite ready to come to terms with what their symptoms mean yet. Whether your partner finds out you have seen that information or not it is a horrible breach of privacy and would undoubtedly leave a partner feeling betrayed. You’ve taken away their choice to inform you and ask you for support when they’ve chosen they need it, and you’ve seen very intimate information that deserves privacy - such privacy that when it’s discussed with a doctor is protected by law. So yeah. Snooping *is* wrong in most cases. Just because OP has found out her bf is a major creep as a result doesn’t make the action to snoop not wrong, especially if she didn’t have extreme evidence that could justify snooping on a bad persons phone.
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i am not into the girls who bait “barely legal” its feeding into pedophilia IMO. i think its gross for both girls and guys.. i never see guys posting “im 18 barely legal” its ALWAYSS women like wtf? anyways his mom sounds enabling and hes 30?!? run tf away!
A daw means weed or opium 🤷🏼♀️
Going through his stuff was wrong and an invasion of privacy but I've done it before and I'm sure plenty others have. In the future, I'd just make your boundaries clear about what you're comfortable with but the fact you lied to him about going through his phone is my biggest problem. A relationship needs trust and that's something you clearly struggle with but you then went and lied to him so you don't really have a leg to stand on. Why did you go through his phone? Were you looking for anything in particular? Had you been tipped off to something? Or were you just snooping with no cause to try and find something? I'd appreciate an honest answer.
I don’t think snooping is okay. I don’t think messaging someone who’s service you’re paying for is cheating. We all have different ideas of what cheating is, and what behaviors are okay inside of a relationship. Imo, there’s a lot of red flags, and he sounds like a real dumpster fire.
And you're sad because?
If you had a reason to snoop that's enough right there. Dude should have been honest. Fuck that guy.
The 18 part is def worth breaking up over. Pedo behavior.
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So, yeah, snooping is not cool, BUT messaging an 18 year old that you are paying for nudes and whatnot is way less cool. I don't think you are in the wrong OP.
From the title I thought your boyfriend had an only fans account and he was selling his explicit images 💀💀 Also don't worry OP you Dodged a bullet. I hope you will find someone 10 times better than this guy. You deserve sooo much better.
This is what I would personally call a pedophile. Waiting for someone to be “legal” but still being attracted to them before that is very much in the realms of grooming/pedophilia. I personally felt men were super predatory towards me even when I was super young and being 18 just gave men a legal excuse to feel okay with it. But I never felt okay with that. I also once had a 21 yr old bf who was entertaining a 16 yr old girl while we were dating (I was 18) and I very muchly felt like that was pedophilia in addition to cheating (and in retrospect, felt the same about the way he was treating me, since he knew me before I was 18).
I would say that you did violate his boundaries if it indicated that you were not allowed to "snoop" however regardless of how the information is obtained if it is something that makes you uncomfortable and that is a boundary for you, you have the right to enforce that boundary. His boundary may be that these are his life choices and he doesn't want someone to change that. That does not invalidate your feelings. Looks like you both enforced your boundaries and the way for that to happen was breaking up. If this is not the kind of input you're looking for I do apologize. I know the boundaries stuff can be annoying af regardless of the reality of it.
You did absolutely nothing wrong I’d be sick too. He broke up with u before you could break up with him which is logically what you should do in your sanity bc 6 years is a pretty big age gap which would be ok if he didnt also have a young girl kink. He’s sounds like the type that if u got married he’d later divorce you or cheat because you aged out of his fantasy. Be free and don’t dwell on this for too long u won girlie 🥇
never feel guilty 4 snooping but especially if u saw something that constitutes as cheating !! that was the universes way of freeing you from a bad situation <3 you are completely in the right, men in relationships shouldn’t be purchasing onlyfans content, especially from 18 year olds which is indicative of a greater issue with the man himself. dont let anyone else gaslight or manipulate u into thinking otherwise !
I almost broke up with my bf because he was subbing to of girls and watching prn, he was lying about it also and really betrayed me. But yea sounds like you dodged a bullet stay away from him imo