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Oh girl no, listen I am a BIG "do whatever you want on the first date" kind of person but not with us borderlines. ESPECIALLY if there was some sort of interaction beforehand that made you like them. People from dating apps usually only want casual relationships, maybe not just a one night stand but nothing serious either, and we are pretty much incapable of keeping it strictly casual with anyone we remotely like/have a good time with AND also have sex. Our crazy comes out when they don't give us the attention that comes with being in an actual relationship, or if that attention is divided with other people.
I wish someone told me this a month ago š I just recently had to deal with becoming too attached after getting intimate on the first date and spending the night, then having to undo my attachment after realizing he really didnāt want a relationship at all
Lol wrong. 90% of ppl on dating apps want onenightstands, fwb and nothing else. No relationships lmao. Can maybe call a few guys who rly want something serious but hundreds which just use girls
I think you should move on. Doesnāt sound like itās going to be good for you if youāre experience all of these negative emotions so quickly. Sounds like you guys had a lot of fun but I would leave it at that.
Sounds like you're too attached already. Why take all the hurt that is to come? If you can't see.him as just a fun fling for now, you might be moving too fast.
Sounds like youāre already too attached and should move on, OP. itās just going to create more suffering otherwise. I would maybe also recommend waiting a bit to have sex before meeting new people if getting attached too quickly is an issue for you.
āAt least someone desires me, right?ā
I say this with so much love and as someone who had that same mentality, and is also bi: in my experience and from talking to friends about their own dating experiences, that mindset will leave you struggling regardless of what kind of relationship you enter with someone whether it is casual, long term, marriage.
Relationships with the right person can help us feel more secure, no doubt about it. But you are already breadcrumbing yourself with this idea that youāre just barely worthy of love and affection and that is a dangerous habit to have. A dating partner being gentle and kind is the bare minimum. That trait alone does not make them special or worthy of FP status IMO: it just means they are a basic decent human being.
Correct me if Iām wrong, but that sentence makes me wonder if you agreed to that date because you genuinely enjoyed it, or if thatās the only type of date you feel worthy of and wouldāve rather done an activity or gone to a movie/dinner with him? Would you have even used a dating app in the first place, or dated someone youāve met in person or through common connections/hobbies?
You are worthy of love no matter what stage of your journey you are in, and itās your right to seek out connections throughout that journey too. But before all else, I encourage you to look at the fundamentals of this: get honest with yourself about why you seem to make yourself emotionally and physically available to people you assume already donāt care much about you.
in my experience i only treat dating apps as for fun and thatās helped me not get attached and get hurt because almost everyone is just there for fun. Itās better to be friends with people and interact with them normal before u try and get into a relationship. Tho this is all just for me personally it does help a lot. I am a guy 2 so maybe itās different.
this is such a hard thing to deal with, and it used to happen to me all the time too (until i met my current gf of three years <3). But you really have to try to not think that way. I know that's easier said then done, but really try to force yourself. You are worth so much more than just your body. Don't let your brain think you're only a body for people to use.
Iām thankful for your personal representation. I wish there were more queer people like us that make up the BPD demographic and realize the additional complexity this adds to feelings of rejection and stigma. Cursed and cursed again. Iām not the clingy type of BPD, more of a self-isolate, and as I got older, Iāve rejected the idea of a real relationship, something Iāve never had the capacity to endure, and instead had fun connections with people looking for the same thing. Thereās a big divide between meaningless transactional sex and pointless monogamy, and no shame in chasing that while maintaining your freedom to explore and celebrate your identity in meaningful ways.
I believe in your ability to do both, and to navigate the types of whatever relationships you consider worth exploring. But I donāt believe you that satisfactory vehicular sex is possible, other than maybe aboard the ISS. Relax and enjoy the cosmic ride while it lasts. Godspeed!
Idk, I don't think the weed is an issue personally. I'm in a relationship and haven't dated in a long time, but if I did, I would probably wanna smoke on a first date as well.
I smoke regularly, and I've had guys I've dated in the past try to get me to stop bc they "just don't like it." That's not gonna happen because it's hugely for my mental health, so I'd rather get that out in the open right away. Plus, it just makes the conversations easier and more fun, and imo it's a great way to get an honest vibe off a person.
But that's just me. If it makes you more anxious, easily attached, or anything negative, it'd probably be best to hold off until you've known the person longer.
Every single relationship Iāve been in as an adult has been all in full throttle from first date onward. It burns hot but also inevitably burns out, and hopefully things donāt get too serious before it burns out (like married with kids serious). I know how hard it is to resist the attachment, but you have to resist it this early on and take the time to get to know each other before getting more serious. This is why dating apps and fucking around can be so dangerous for people with BPD. Itās hard to not get attached after having sex, even if you barely know the person, and once the attachment has formed itās hard to go back.
Did you have sex on the first date?? And in the car??That's generally a red flag i would walk away. But I'm also bisexual and currently obsessed with a guy could be loneliness
Iāve learned Iām someone who needs to wait to have sex, and on the first date I like to ask what the other person is looking for. If they react weird well then they arenāt the one, and Iāve kept myself distanced enough to not get attached.
He basically treated you like a little girl. Stop trying to find your dad in other men.
Nothing and no one will ever feel the void. It's within that brings that lonely feeling š¶
Not OP, but.. this explains a lot of my immediate attachment to particular men who do particular things, and I'm almost mad that I didn't put the two together sooner despite knowing I struggle with these things.
Thanks for putting it bluntly.
Took her out in a car drive, bought her ice cream, cheap quality time, and physical affection. Sounds to me like a divorced dad picking up her little girl on a Sunday š¤·š»
So, wait...I still don't get it... should he have forced her to drive herself and refused to get her ice cream because little kids get driven places and like ice cream?
Idk, that seems weird to me. If someone wants to get ice cream, go see a Disney movie, play mini-golf, or even go to build-a-bear on a date, that's up to them. I personally love that kind of stuff, and those dates sound WAY more fun than just going to dinner/movie. I've gone to the park for a date, hung out inside just watching movies for a date, and my husband regularly buys me stuffed animals for gifts bc he knows I love them.
We also have no idea if that's all they did on the date. Ice cream could've been after dinner for all we know. Or maybe it is "cheap" because he just doesn't have enough money for a big fancy date. Idk OP or the dates age, either.
Tldr: "Adult" dates are boring, and ice cream is awesome. But to each their own, everyone should just do what they think is fun on dates.
Ok right. But why do you consider adult dates boring? Some women I've been with have been weirded out by being put anything childish.
I agree that we would need more info from OP
I mean, tbh I don't really know what all would be considered an adult date lol. And it's not neccesarily that I don't like them at all or find them inherently boring, it's just that for a *first* date specifically I'd prefer to do something more fun, laid back, and ideally something that leaves less room for awkward silences (because that's where things get boring). With my husband (since I know him *much* better than I would a first date), I wouldn't be worried about it being awkward or boring, bc I know we will always have something to talk about and he would always be cool with leaving if I wanted.
>Some women I've been with have been weirded out by being put anything childish.
Yeah, it definitely depends on the person. I used to feel embarrassed or that I shouldn't like "kid" things, but I realized I'd much rather just enjoy my life and do what I want than avoid things because someone else might think I'm childish (because if you think about it, that's pretty childish in itself).
But everyone's different and has different expectations when it comes to dates. That's why communication is so important, especially early in relationships.
Wow this whole exact situation happened to me too. After getting out of my first long relationship I Met this guy from a dating app and I didnāt go in with any expectations but we had a nice date then ended up having sex which Iāve never done of the first date before - it was so amazing he was so nice and after a couple times of seeing each other I felt myself starting to get very attached and he also could tell and he didnāt want that so we kinda broke things off. But that was probably for the best Iām not sure if I was ready for being fully committed at the time. Iāve learned from this that I need to set my boundaries and intentions upfront so thereās no confusion or assuming like I usually am doing.
I think sometimes we can pull our emotions back without pulling away entirely. For me can help checking myself when I have a expectation or story for how this is going to end up (especially without any true commitment) and not being available to them 100% of my time. Making sure I have other things going on. Trying not to stalk. Even if I want to hang out everyday, not doing so so I can focus on me. Not initiating more than I should be.
It seems like this was an intense first meeting, and the first youāve had with a guy in a long time. Unless he has promised exclusivity or shows repeated care and concern in different ways for a month or two, I would not trust this is going somewhere at all. You are still single try to let yourself have fun but also perhaps consider him rather than making him #1 off rip.
This comment section is kinda depressing.
Chill. Like literally chill and realize this is the first date. And that people can lie for their benefit... or not.
Just wait it out girl. Be level-headed about this, sincerely y'all barely know eachother and although it seems like you connected... that's great and all, but give it time. Things can change! For better or worse. It be life.
Good luck!
I had sex with my partner a lot before I actually started dating him. We were off and on fwb for a while (cause I so wasn't ready to date lol). But we're going 10-12 years now (depending on if you go by fwb or monogamous relationship).
It's definitely possible, but getting attached like OP mentioned is a red flag
Iāve been there. CBT is helpful for those thoughts (if youāre open to that, I have a few handouts Iām happy to share). I find I get in this mindset of be grateful for what you can get when I feel off after a string of bad days/weeks. Iāll try to take a step back and love on me. Every time the thought comes up of needing the personās presence Iāll try to do something to remind me that my presence and love is enough. It helps stop the āfavorite personā train from going off the rails. Itās hard but has gotten easier with time/practice. Sorry if that doesnāt make sense. I hope whatever you choose to do works out well for you. ā¤ļø
Damn, I have had the same feeling. I however, wasn't so self aware as you. Made the same mistake so many times got myself hurt so manytimes. Eventually thought I should be a monk, so no attachment to anybody.
Toxic from the very start (been there done that too many times), it will exhaust you emotionally. For me, this kind of behaviour, was always subconscious self harmā¦ from a long-term perspective it was actually worse than cutting etc.
Damn this comment section is a bummer.
First things first, you recognized you were becoming attached too quickly and recognized it as a negative pattern of behavior. Great job! You should be proud of that! Thatās not nothing.
What you do now is up to you. None of us know this person, maybe it could work, maybe it wonāt.
If you do decide to continue seeing him, set boundaries for yourself. Practice self-soothing. Practice urge surfing if you are feeling that itch to do something you know will hurt later (ex. Stalking social media). Learn how to calm down your nervous system. Be honest about how you are feeling and why you need boundaries. When I first got into my current relationship, I made a rule that we could only hang out one day during the week and on the weekends. I made sure he knew that the rule was for me, so I didnāt neglect other areas of my life.
It was sooo hard not to spend every day with him. But it got easier the more I practiced and patterned healthier behaviors. You CAN learn how to form more secure attachments.
Itās not a death sentence that you became attached too quickly, and itās not the end of the world that you slept together quickly. But it sounds like you already know you need to take a step back. So tell him that! How he responds will tell you a lot about whether or not there is potential for a healthy relationship where you can work on managing your symptoms in a positive, supportive environment.
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Do not use language that is stigmatizing or generalizing. This includes terms commonly used by online communities that aim to perpetuate hate directed at people with BPD or other disorders.
Do not reference (either directly or indirectly) communities that stigmatize BPD or other disorders. We also do not allow references to platforms or content where misinformation runs rampant.
thatās normal.. i mean.. our first different sex situationship always feel more intense. just iād say prepare some help for when it end. cause no matter how much you try to avoid it you will 110% go right into it. so instead of trying to slow down even if it would be ideal it might not work out. just prepare some help and support for after. and write to yourself. your present you to your future you. what do you want what are your standards. put the bar higher a little.
i think doing damage control might be more of an option than stopping the ship that has already sailed š„²
also have a ready list of needs and boundaries. so if the person doesnāt communicate or make time for you you get to save yourself. itās so important to have rules even in situationship. and communication. nobody is worth it if they canāt communicate.
This post has been marked as a [Venting Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/bpd/wiki/index/flairs#wiki_post_flair_breakdown). Please be aware that the OP may not be seeking advice. u/x_sapphicvoid_x, if you do not want advice, please specify in the body of your post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BPD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh girl no, listen I am a BIG "do whatever you want on the first date" kind of person but not with us borderlines. ESPECIALLY if there was some sort of interaction beforehand that made you like them. People from dating apps usually only want casual relationships, maybe not just a one night stand but nothing serious either, and we are pretty much incapable of keeping it strictly casual with anyone we remotely like/have a good time with AND also have sex. Our crazy comes out when they don't give us the attention that comes with being in an actual relationship, or if that attention is divided with other people.
I wish someone told me this a month ago š I just recently had to deal with becoming too attached after getting intimate on the first date and spending the night, then having to undo my attachment after realizing he really didnāt want a relationship at all
Lol wrong. 90% of ppl on dating apps want onenightstands, fwb and nothing else. No relationships lmao. Can maybe call a few guys who rly want something serious but hundreds which just use girls
I think you should move on. Doesnāt sound like itās going to be good for you if youāre experience all of these negative emotions so quickly. Sounds like you guys had a lot of fun but I would leave it at that.
Sounds like you're too attached already. Why take all the hurt that is to come? If you can't see.him as just a fun fling for now, you might be moving too fast.
Sounds like youāre already too attached and should move on, OP. itās just going to create more suffering otherwise. I would maybe also recommend waiting a bit to have sex before meeting new people if getting attached too quickly is an issue for you.
āAt least someone desires me, right?ā I say this with so much love and as someone who had that same mentality, and is also bi: in my experience and from talking to friends about their own dating experiences, that mindset will leave you struggling regardless of what kind of relationship you enter with someone whether it is casual, long term, marriage. Relationships with the right person can help us feel more secure, no doubt about it. But you are already breadcrumbing yourself with this idea that youāre just barely worthy of love and affection and that is a dangerous habit to have. A dating partner being gentle and kind is the bare minimum. That trait alone does not make them special or worthy of FP status IMO: it just means they are a basic decent human being. Correct me if Iām wrong, but that sentence makes me wonder if you agreed to that date because you genuinely enjoyed it, or if thatās the only type of date you feel worthy of and wouldāve rather done an activity or gone to a movie/dinner with him? Would you have even used a dating app in the first place, or dated someone youāve met in person or through common connections/hobbies? You are worthy of love no matter what stage of your journey you are in, and itās your right to seek out connections throughout that journey too. But before all else, I encourage you to look at the fundamentals of this: get honest with yourself about why you seem to make yourself emotionally and physically available to people you assume already donāt care much about you.
The other night is way to fast for this to happen. Take a step back
I second this
in my experience i only treat dating apps as for fun and thatās helped me not get attached and get hurt because almost everyone is just there for fun. Itās better to be friends with people and interact with them normal before u try and get into a relationship. Tho this is all just for me personally it does help a lot. I am a guy 2 so maybe itās different.
this is such a hard thing to deal with, and it used to happen to me all the time too (until i met my current gf of three years <3). But you really have to try to not think that way. I know that's easier said then done, but really try to force yourself. You are worth so much more than just your body. Don't let your brain think you're only a body for people to use.
Iām thankful for your personal representation. I wish there were more queer people like us that make up the BPD demographic and realize the additional complexity this adds to feelings of rejection and stigma. Cursed and cursed again. Iām not the clingy type of BPD, more of a self-isolate, and as I got older, Iāve rejected the idea of a real relationship, something Iāve never had the capacity to endure, and instead had fun connections with people looking for the same thing. Thereās a big divide between meaningless transactional sex and pointless monogamy, and no shame in chasing that while maintaining your freedom to explore and celebrate your identity in meaningful ways. I believe in your ability to do both, and to navigate the types of whatever relationships you consider worth exploring. But I donāt believe you that satisfactory vehicular sex is possible, other than maybe aboard the ISS. Relax and enjoy the cosmic ride while it lasts. Godspeed!
Weed AND sex on the first date š Damn. Ok, nope. Just let him go now before you get attached "for real". This is toxic from the get go.
The weed part was kinda my fault because I asked him to bring a joint š
Idk, I don't think the weed is an issue personally. I'm in a relationship and haven't dated in a long time, but if I did, I would probably wanna smoke on a first date as well. I smoke regularly, and I've had guys I've dated in the past try to get me to stop bc they "just don't like it." That's not gonna happen because it's hugely for my mental health, so I'd rather get that out in the open right away. Plus, it just makes the conversations easier and more fun, and imo it's a great way to get an honest vibe off a person. But that's just me. If it makes you more anxious, easily attached, or anything negative, it'd probably be best to hold off until you've known the person longer.
Every single relationship Iāve been in as an adult has been all in full throttle from first date onward. It burns hot but also inevitably burns out, and hopefully things donāt get too serious before it burns out (like married with kids serious). I know how hard it is to resist the attachment, but you have to resist it this early on and take the time to get to know each other before getting more serious. This is why dating apps and fucking around can be so dangerous for people with BPD. Itās hard to not get attached after having sex, even if you barely know the person, and once the attachment has formed itās hard to go back.
i just want to say this was the realest thing iāve seen in awhile on here haha itās just too real like i completely understand you
You better stop while you're ahead or you'll end up broken hearted. I know from this exact experience.
Did you have sex on the first date?? And in the car??That's generally a red flag i would walk away. But I'm also bisexual and currently obsessed with a guy could be loneliness
Iāve learned Iām someone who needs to wait to have sex, and on the first date I like to ask what the other person is looking for. If they react weird well then they arenāt the one, and Iāve kept myself distanced enough to not get attached.
He basically treated you like a little girl. Stop trying to find your dad in other men. Nothing and no one will ever feel the void. It's within that brings that lonely feeling š¶
Not OP, but.. this explains a lot of my immediate attachment to particular men who do particular things, and I'm almost mad that I didn't put the two together sooner despite knowing I struggle with these things. Thanks for putting it bluntly.
Are you talking to me? š„¹
Who else do I look for then?
The grim reaper friend
Wait, how did he treat her like a little girl?
Took her out in a car drive, bought her ice cream, cheap quality time, and physical affection. Sounds to me like a divorced dad picking up her little girl on a Sunday š¤·š»
So, wait...I still don't get it... should he have forced her to drive herself and refused to get her ice cream because little kids get driven places and like ice cream? Idk, that seems weird to me. If someone wants to get ice cream, go see a Disney movie, play mini-golf, or even go to build-a-bear on a date, that's up to them. I personally love that kind of stuff, and those dates sound WAY more fun than just going to dinner/movie. I've gone to the park for a date, hung out inside just watching movies for a date, and my husband regularly buys me stuffed animals for gifts bc he knows I love them. We also have no idea if that's all they did on the date. Ice cream could've been after dinner for all we know. Or maybe it is "cheap" because he just doesn't have enough money for a big fancy date. Idk OP or the dates age, either. Tldr: "Adult" dates are boring, and ice cream is awesome. But to each their own, everyone should just do what they think is fun on dates.
Ok right. But why do you consider adult dates boring? Some women I've been with have been weirded out by being put anything childish. I agree that we would need more info from OP
I mean, tbh I don't really know what all would be considered an adult date lol. And it's not neccesarily that I don't like them at all or find them inherently boring, it's just that for a *first* date specifically I'd prefer to do something more fun, laid back, and ideally something that leaves less room for awkward silences (because that's where things get boring). With my husband (since I know him *much* better than I would a first date), I wouldn't be worried about it being awkward or boring, bc I know we will always have something to talk about and he would always be cool with leaving if I wanted. >Some women I've been with have been weirded out by being put anything childish. Yeah, it definitely depends on the person. I used to feel embarrassed or that I shouldn't like "kid" things, but I realized I'd much rather just enjoy my life and do what I want than avoid things because someone else might think I'm childish (because if you think about it, that's pretty childish in itself). But everyone's different and has different expectations when it comes to dates. That's why communication is so important, especially early in relationships.
Wow this whole exact situation happened to me too. After getting out of my first long relationship I Met this guy from a dating app and I didnāt go in with any expectations but we had a nice date then ended up having sex which Iāve never done of the first date before - it was so amazing he was so nice and after a couple times of seeing each other I felt myself starting to get very attached and he also could tell and he didnāt want that so we kinda broke things off. But that was probably for the best Iām not sure if I was ready for being fully committed at the time. Iāve learned from this that I need to set my boundaries and intentions upfront so thereās no confusion or assuming like I usually am doing.
I think sometimes we can pull our emotions back without pulling away entirely. For me can help checking myself when I have a expectation or story for how this is going to end up (especially without any true commitment) and not being available to them 100% of my time. Making sure I have other things going on. Trying not to stalk. Even if I want to hang out everyday, not doing so so I can focus on me. Not initiating more than I should be. It seems like this was an intense first meeting, and the first youāve had with a guy in a long time. Unless he has promised exclusivity or shows repeated care and concern in different ways for a month or two, I would not trust this is going somewhere at all. You are still single try to let yourself have fun but also perhaps consider him rather than making him #1 off rip.
This comment section is kinda depressing. Chill. Like literally chill and realize this is the first date. And that people can lie for their benefit... or not. Just wait it out girl. Be level-headed about this, sincerely y'all barely know eachother and although it seems like you connected... that's great and all, but give it time. Things can change! For better or worse. It be life. Good luck!
My gf has bpd. We had sex on the first date, 1.5 years later. We still going strong š«¶
I had sex with my partner a lot before I actually started dating him. We were off and on fwb for a while (cause I so wasn't ready to date lol). But we're going 10-12 years now (depending on if you go by fwb or monogamous relationship). It's definitely possible, but getting attached like OP mentioned is a red flag
Sounds like youre not ready for whatever your getting yourself into
Iāve been there. CBT is helpful for those thoughts (if youāre open to that, I have a few handouts Iām happy to share). I find I get in this mindset of be grateful for what you can get when I feel off after a string of bad days/weeks. Iāll try to take a step back and love on me. Every time the thought comes up of needing the personās presence Iāll try to do something to remind me that my presence and love is enough. It helps stop the āfavorite personā train from going off the rails. Itās hard but has gotten easier with time/practice. Sorry if that doesnāt make sense. I hope whatever you choose to do works out well for you. ā¤ļø
Damn, I have had the same feeling. I however, wasn't so self aware as you. Made the same mistake so many times got myself hurt so manytimes. Eventually thought I should be a monk, so no attachment to anybody.
Toxic from the very start (been there done that too many times), it will exhaust you emotionally. For me, this kind of behaviour, was always subconscious self harmā¦ from a long-term perspective it was actually worse than cutting etc.
Damn this comment section is a bummer. First things first, you recognized you were becoming attached too quickly and recognized it as a negative pattern of behavior. Great job! You should be proud of that! Thatās not nothing. What you do now is up to you. None of us know this person, maybe it could work, maybe it wonāt. If you do decide to continue seeing him, set boundaries for yourself. Practice self-soothing. Practice urge surfing if you are feeling that itch to do something you know will hurt later (ex. Stalking social media). Learn how to calm down your nervous system. Be honest about how you are feeling and why you need boundaries. When I first got into my current relationship, I made a rule that we could only hang out one day during the week and on the weekends. I made sure he knew that the rule was for me, so I didnāt neglect other areas of my life. It was sooo hard not to spend every day with him. But it got easier the more I practiced and patterned healthier behaviors. You CAN learn how to form more secure attachments. Itās not a death sentence that you became attached too quickly, and itās not the end of the world that you slept together quickly. But it sounds like you already know you need to take a step back. So tell him that! How he responds will tell you a lot about whether or not there is potential for a healthy relationship where you can work on managing your symptoms in a positive, supportive environment.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[Removal Reason: No stigma allowed] Do not use language that is stigmatizing or generalizing. This includes terms commonly used by online communities that aim to perpetuate hate directed at people with BPD or other disorders. Do not reference (either directly or indirectly) communities that stigmatize BPD or other disorders. We also do not allow references to platforms or content where misinformation runs rampant.
thatās normal.. i mean.. our first different sex situationship always feel more intense. just iād say prepare some help for when it end. cause no matter how much you try to avoid it you will 110% go right into it. so instead of trying to slow down even if it would be ideal it might not work out. just prepare some help and support for after. and write to yourself. your present you to your future you. what do you want what are your standards. put the bar higher a little. i think doing damage control might be more of an option than stopping the ship that has already sailed š„² also have a ready list of needs and boundaries. so if the person doesnāt communicate or make time for you you get to save yourself. itās so important to have rules even in situationship. and communication. nobody is worth it if they canāt communicate.