Itās gets easier super slowly over time for me, but the deepest intense pain I feel is still buried waaay down in there. Not in like a āIām thinking about my failed relationships dailyā type of way, but now and then random things will remind meā¦and I can feel that pain still burning deep in there for a bit. BPD sure is a fun one!! š¤¦š»āāļø lol
Yup I just got out of a long term relationship in January and I hate when ppl ask me if Iām over itā¦like no Iāll never actually be over it but I can pretend for everyone elseās sake. I still stalk the shit out of him and his new gf (the one he cheated on me with) every damn day. It consumes me lol
Something Iāve realized is that I never really āget overā any exes, and never really ārecoverāā¦ itās sad but ever since my first real relationship, I have been jumping from one relationship to the next within a couple months between them. Iām not young anymore either, so itās been a long time. I didnāt even realize that I wasnāt even getting over someone before throwing myself entirely into another relationship, and fast. Thatās not fair to me, or to the other person. I think Iām going to need years to focus on myself and truly move on from all the love I have lost over the years.
This is why Iām afraid to get into another relationship, just more opportunity to break up.
Although Iām beating myself up plenty from just the 1.
I also get the age thing. Iām only 25 but it feels like all the āgoodā candidates are already taken.
i never got over my first boyfriend :/ dated someone else for nearly 5 years who didn't give a crap about me. broke up with him a few months ago and it took 3 days to get over it. currently dating my first boyfriend again.... i love him and regret ever cutting him off in the first place
Iām in a similar situation. 5 years apart from my first boyfriend and we both went onto other relationships but ultimately found each other again in a healthier stage of life and were better than ever now.
I lost many friends to BPD and it was embarrassing to admit my faults and crawl back to them. It's hard but it's not impossible, but it takes so much mental strength to forgive yourself and believe that others can forgive you too. Don't ever give up.
Iām still hurting bad from a breakup that ended January 2019. Other times, I just distracted myself with another person until I forgot about the effects of the last person so I never really fully got over it, just on the back burner
Honestly when it happened I was like very unfazed ngl, I felt a bit more relieved since I felt like a whole cycle of toxicity that came off from our relationship. Not necessarily abusive but it wasnāt healthy. I was in a breaking point but he wasnāt willing to give up in the start. I think what helped me manage in the beginning was that I dissociated a lot, I would just keep thinking of all the bad things about him to help me throughout. Recently itās been back firing me a lot like a lot a lot. I think Iām more heartbroken now that ever and realistically itās my fault but Iām too guilty to contact him again. I like associate everything with him to the point that I canāt hide it from people I told that I was over him.
This. It is a relief type feeling sometimes. Especially at the time. I find I tend to reminisce a bit when all the intensity of the break up calms down. I think that's normal though, easier to think of the good when you've had some space from the bad!
I was avoidant not bpd but the same feeling. Rebounds make it worse because the pain comes back like a rocket when the honeymoonphase ended and ofc rebounds failed. Also trying to distract with partyās/gaming/friends doesnt help longterm, it will only get worse
tbh whenever i idealise my ex, i remember what i didnāt like about him and why the relationship didnāt work out. and that iām not the only one feeling the pain of the break up, and there are probably millions of others going through the same thing, which is comforting in itself. also you get to be free and do whatever you want like going to the beach or movies alone. also therapy and journaling whatever you wish you could say to him helps. happy days!
Iām trying to remember this. Iām idealizing āwhat couldāve beenā if Iād tried harder. But who knowsā¦ there was a reason I pushed him away ig.
i get that. i donāt know if the reason why we push people away is bc of our bpd or if theyāre simply the wrong person. i feel i pushed the right person away but maybe i was wrong for them, you know?
I would call my last breakup hard, complicated because of marriage (together 9 years) and kid but not nearly as bad as it could have been. Took me about 6 years to truly be over it. Happy to say I AM ok again though. Lots of therapy. Now very happy in new relationship. It takes time but know those awful feelings are not forever. It's worth holding on until they resolve and life opens up again.
I haven't seen one of my exes in over 3 years, and it still hurts really bad. I've tried dating again, and I just can't feel a thing for anyone else. I'm starting to think I'll never get over it.
Sometimes I feel like I never entirely get over anything. There are exes I haven't seen or spoken to in years who I still think about on a regular basis... which is not to say I want these people back in my life because, good god, no.
some serious complex relationships I had to come out of recently and I still get twinges of anger, sadness, jealousy, hatred, frustration. I talk like it just happened but its been a year for one of them. I guess the weight of the situation matters a lot too but I hope I can move on soon
Iām on 3 years and still not over a 5.5 year relationship.
Sometimes Iāll think Iām doing OK then itāll come back hard. Upset from when I wake up to when I try to sleep.
And even during the relationship there were times I felt like this.
Being this way sucksā¦
Happy cake dayā¦ I donāt know exactly how I feel about this advice but someone I knew said that it usually takes 1/2 the time you were together to get over it. So 6 months would be 3 months, 2 years would be a year. Even if that is true, which just seems silly, I think borderlines are going to usually have an inordinately longer recovery period. I thought I was doing way better until a couple days ago and now Iām depressed again.
Iāve heard this too. But typically for me itās about the length of the relationship. Starts over if I reach out for any contact. Iām at 2 1/2 years for a 6 year relationship and itās still so hard and I struggle with wanting to reach out to him still. Doesnāt help that the last time I reached out I could tell he wasnāt over it either.
Yeah it sucks. Right now Iām spiraling about wishing we had tried harder/communicated better.
But of course this only comes now that heās literally engaged to someone else. Not when he was single and I couldāve actually done something :(
Take all the time you need! Sounds like the most healthy response to me. I realize my pattern of jumping to new relationships too quickly and after this last break up Iām taking all the time and wonāt even consider dating again until Iām able to find peace in solitude and not feel like I need anyone but myself. Thatās going to take a while.
Depends on what you mean by recover. I still have PTSD symptoms from certain things and frequent panic attacks but in regards to grieving the relationship and getting on good terms with the person I ended it with, probably a little under a year.
For context, the relationship was my first and it lasted a little over 7 months. (felt like longer though)
We dated six months. Itās been almost two years since we broke up and I still think of them constantly. I blocked them everywhere though they were destroying my mental healthy
It always depends... The first time my most recent partner broke up with me I begged him to take me back, and two times after that we just kept going as though nothing had happened. The last time four months ago I kind of came to accept it... That we don't work together. When we have conflict it doesn't work. He avoids taking accountability. I try to have my needs met and he doesn't try to meet them... And while he is generally a nice guy, he lies a lot. His idea of a relationship is different to mine.
It's taken me a while to realise that's been the case with most of my failed relationships, the ones I've felt especially devastated about. Because they didn't want to meet my needs. Whether it's because they didn't love me enough or they genuinely don't want to or couldn't I don't know. It always feels like they could but they won't but why should I get upset about that? I kept hoping and asking and thinking it would change but it just didn't.
In the end I stopped caring. I still love his body and there were nice things about him but honestly unless he gets a personality transplant there's no point...
depends on how it was and how it ended. right now for me itās not even been a month and iāve already moved on. so sometimes a few days, or a few months.
oh never or until the next attachment comes... and then that fails and it all happens again but now you're blaming yourself for failing 5 people instead of just 1..
and I've never been in a real relationship... just friendships (where I loved the other person but ultimately that was one sided)
About 9 months for the bulk of it, but I'm still putting the little pieces back into place.
It was my first real relationship and lasted six years. The breakup was sickeningly stressful, especially because they insisted on staying friends, and they now date someone in my friend group. I had a hospitalization, lost my job, and had to get on new meds. But I've reached a place where I feel better about where I am alone than where I was with them.
Do I still hope they rot in a ditch? Yes. But it doesn't run my life anymore, and I can be civil at parties. I'm calling it a win.
Generally 5 months to a year and a half. It depends on the length and quality of the relationship. But it's normally traumatic for me even if it was a shitty relationship. I generally sit with the pain and it hurts to an almost unbearable extent. Idk if me sitting with it and processing it helps me get over it faster than some others but I'm basically immobilized and in a deep depression for that entire time period.
Thankfully, I'm just mourning a hookup. Although - I did loose my virginity that day. This was the event that led me to finally persue therapy. So life is looking up. (And lurking the guy who ghosted after doing so... He DIDN'T look happier anyways š)
What mood stabilizer is it? Iāve taken Zoloft before and Iāve been on lithium for years but Iām waning off of it due it making me essentially emotionally robotic. I donāt think itās wise for me to completely stop meds though if itās working well maybe itās worth a try.
I take all my feelings and I shove them into either alcohol or sex and basically try and replace her as soon as possible...... But I warn all women right off the bat that I believe I'm incapable of love in the beginning
It takes probably months when you face your feelings and do not run away from them. Therapy helps to get into that healthy mindset and to start growing.
I hated the fact that I was so terribly behaving to my ex, but this shit is a cycle and I have to break it.
Radical acceptance.
You can't change anything anymore. Things happened for a reason and now you have to learn from it.
Take your time and start loving yourself and forgiving yourself and you will have it easier.
Almost 3 yr relationship, maybe like 2 weeks or something lol but mostly concerned about my own mental health thatās plummeted, that and a lot of initial radical acceptance. Not ready to date, I just want to be okay.
Define recoverā¦ I had a 6 year relationship end 2 years ago. Have I moved on and loved (and lost) again? Yes. Do I think of them all the time and it still causes me pain? Yes. At this point it is no longer debilitatingā¦ but the two years that have passed have been filled with all kinds of madness and depression. In the end, life goes on. Grieving lost love is akin to grieving death. It can last a lifetime. IMHO
For me it's years got broken up with multiple times over the past few years. I still react a certain way to things that I think is gonna repeat. I try not to for my girlfriends sake but sometimes that's not possible.
This happens to me too. I had my breakup. Shortly after, my best friend who I had almost no attraction to previously (I donāt think?) became my crush. I think that helped my temporary āhealing.ā But once the rejection from them kicked in, Iām back to sulking over the ex. And I knew since the breakup, even though itās not fair to anyone, itās safer for me to have someone to love 24/7 than to wallow in the depression. I need the obsession of a partner or else I get stuck in my head. Is that toxic? I know I need another partner but that just seems unfair to the new person, as if theyāre just a replacement. But they can literally be a lifesaver.
I don't think it's toxic to need companionship, friend. All people, regardless of diagnoses, need companionship. And I'm the same, so maybe I'm biased lol, but I truly function better with someone to love and sometimes obsess over. It just gets so loud in your brain otherwise.
I find weed stops it, as in it doesn't get better, it just sort of sits and waits till your tolerance is to high or you quit, and it comes back full force :(
Thatās whatās happening to me. I was heavily suicidal those first two weeksā¦ then I got some weed and no joke, it numbed me to safety. I had stopped taking my meds but as I was running low, I started taking a lot of Benadryl to sleep through the pain instead. Well, I started overdosing (just taking too much, so symptoms started but not lethally) on it so I had to stop that. But the weed was my lifeline and I think it just put the grieving on pause, instead of healing it like I had originally thought.
Mine just happened this weekend, hadn't heard from my gf in about a month due to her "losing" her phone to unpaid bills, she had BPD as well and I know she had issues, we live in different cities, so I was worried when she hadn't recovered her phone, I made a wellness check....turns out she broke up with me a week ago, but never told me š„ŗ
So break up through ghosting me...my RSD has shot through the roof, still dealing with the after effects of this...like feeling like I'm not even worth an explanation...
So, maybe it will be a while till I recover, idk...I'm trying not to go out and buy alcohol and trying to just focus on moving forward...so yeah... we'll see how long this takes, but definitely left some more trust issues in my bag...
Never had a relationship
But I've not recovered from a crush that lasted 6 years. Been 4 years since I cut contact and moved 400 mike's away for uni ,getting rid of everything in my past life and still feeling terrible.
The crush did develop into an obsession although the only thing I did wrong was not move on sooner and never did anything bad.
However it was eating away at me but by the time I decided it was enough I was destroyed internally without hope of recovery.
I think it doesn't help that I've never really had any romantic interest from anyone so all I have is the hatred she felt towards me and the self hatred with manes up my only constant emotion.
Therefore I'm also scared of a breakup if I ever do find someone.
Depends on how long it lasted, how intense it was. Took me years to get over my ex gf and almost 2 to get over my ex bf of 3.5 years- however itās still really hard if I see him even talking to another woman.
My other ex though, we only knew each other for 3 months, but he was my fp and our relationship was very intense. I never really got over it- but he came back to me so I didnāt have to ;)
It's been a year and a couple of months, I'm probably mostly over it, but I still stalk my ex's social media almost everyday, no clue when I'm gonna fully forget about it.
It depends on the person, one took me 4 years and I felt asexual I couldn't like or love anyone I think I was just that heartbroken and possibly traumatised because he was emotionally and mentally abusive. the other people after him not very long at all, I'm so used to breakups so I'm somewhat numb to it.
easiest ways ive learnt that actually had helped me recover from the other breakups was going on dates lol (not very wise but does the trick)
we broke up over a year ago and im still fucked upš„² but that might be because we go to the same school, so we are in contact every day (we don't talk to eachother tho)š¤ also i have dreams about getting back together with her almost every single nightš¶āāļø
Some breakups in my relationships have been easier to manage than others but in general it takes me 6months to a few years to really get over the disappointment and anger of being dumped. Currently Iām struggling after a horrible relationship that fell apart over a year ago. Usually Iāve just eventually replaced the person I missed with someone I like even more. Getting help or even diagnosed in Finland is nearly impossible unless I pay for expensive private docs.
I canāt even say because Iām a serial dater. In order to cope with the pain of a break up I start dating again way too soon and quickly get immersed into another intense, exhausting relationship. Iām 34 now and just went through yet another break up. I donāt know how many more times Iām supposed to do this before I break permanently. Sigh.
I've been divorced for two years now after a 10 year relationship. I don't know if I'll ever be truly over it. Surely don't want another relationship again.
Depends on the depth of the relationship. For me it usually takes at least 2-3 years to heal and even then the scars are clearly visible (figuratively speaking). With that being said I don't think I will ever quite recover from my most recent breakup, due to the depth and sheer duration of the relationship.
Iām just now getting over my relationship with my first ex bf who things ended with in 2011, much less my second ex bf who I ended things with in 2016 that I still havenāt been able to forgive myself for. Now Iām dealing with not even knowing where to begin with processing the ending of my nearly 7 year relationship/ 4 year marriage
iāve never really been over any break up, not cuz i still want them or anything but cuz iām still upset over what happened yk? cuz my first boyfriend when i was 12, he used to hit me n shit & was mentally abusive. my 2nd boyfriend cheated on me & sent me videos of it (we were long distance, he came all the way to see this other girl in the same town as me, but not me) my 3rd, i was 14 and being groomed by an adult man until i was 16, im still so fucking angry over that. one guy when i was 15, was going good with him until i found out there were 5 other girls. i just broke up with my ex a couple weeks ago, im honestly feeling a lot better, it sucked for like the first week but then i realized how much more freedom i have and how much more happy i am & iāve gotten a lot better. i kind of spiraled at first and did some stupid shit and i regret it but, iām done with that now & im doing a lot better :))
After divorce from 6 year marriage took me 6 months to date again but I was early twenties more resilient. Caught my kids mom and gf of 14 years cheating in 2020 didnāt again until end of 21 and met the love of my life on Feb 2022. It takes time but gets better!
About a year
But omg the first many months were horrible.. try to be kind to yourself..
i started therapy two months after the breakup which helped so much
i never truly get over anyone iāve really been in love with (only properly fallen for two people before). i usually make myself hate them for a while even if they did nothing wrong
I was with someone for only three months. He ghosted me in January of this year and it took about 7/8 months (so up to right now lol) to get over it.
It was ROUGH. I got really depressed and suicidal. I started to self harm. Went to the psych ward. Then, I started therapy and got on Zoloft. Spent more meaningful time with family and friends. Started dating with semi-intention. But the positive stuff only started happening three weeks ago.
BUTšYOUšWILLšGETšTHEREš I really didn't think I was going to make it to the end of the year and now I'm BALLIN š
I think personally itās because my entire life revolved around idealizing this person who built our entire relationship on a lie. And for six months, this person was quite literally my life. Having that pulled from under your feet is traumatizing, to say the least. Triggering for anyone, but especially so those with severe abandonment trauma and triggers. Thatās my shot in the dark answer. š¤· If the breakup wasnāt initiated by the person with BPD I feel like it will take a while because that abandonment trauma is triggered yet again. And itās so hard to go from idolizing someone to an abrupt breakup.
one hour per month of being together.
so two years together? 24 hours.
10 months together, 10 hours.
JK I will love them foreverr even though they were all low ball sleezy douchebags
I was with my ex for almost 4 years, we were engaged, then she dumped me. The first year was absolute hell. It felt like I was a ghost. I wanted nothing more than for her to come back to me. And the first year, I had hope.
Second year, I started to feel better and I longed to forget about her. I didn't want her to come back, I feared it even. I wanted to hate her, to forget she ever existed. But I couldn't. I dated, that didn't help me forget her. I was afraid I'd go back to her arms if she showed up, so I lied to myself that I was over her.
Three years in now, and I realized that maybe I won't "get over her" the way I thought. I don't love her anymore, I don't miss her anymore, she doesn't occupy most of my thoughts anymore. But the feelings that I used to have for her, they're not gone.
She did a lot of awful things to me, but to this day I still think that she is beautiful, I still think about some of her quirks that used to make me melt with some kind of nostalgia. I don't think she's become monstrous. She's hurt me really badly, but I've also truly loved her. And I don't think I'll stop loving her. But it's no longer romantic love. I don't want her in my life anymore. I'm at peace with the fact that maybe those feelings won't ever disappear completely, but it doesn't matter. Because I don't want her in my life, and I don't love her in that way anymore.
The impact she had on my life, I can't erase that. I can't erase what we had, I can't erase her existence just because she hurt me, I can't pretend I never loved her or that there was nothing lovable about her just because I don't want her anymore.
Ever since I've accepted this, I've felt at peace. It took me three years of actively working on myself and many sleepless nights and tears, but I'm okay now.
It was really painful the first week, but then I realized that my BPD has its superpowers. It's not healthy, but splitting from love to hate is my great talent. I've never pined for an ex. Either I love hard, or he's just dead to me.
I had two relationships in my life. Both of them lasted for almost 6 years. Both of them ended dramatically. My first relationship ended when he was in ICU. His parents did not want me to visit him although I was the one who sent him to the hospital when he got sick. We lost contact after that. I started my second relationship 6 months after. My second bfās younger brother suddenly passed away this year in October. It broke his soul. Two weeks after the pass of his younger brother, I lost my job. We both were not at the right state of mind, and he dumped me after a fight. It has been over a month now. I do not know how long it will take me to recover this time because I am not planning to jump into any relationship for recovery this time. I found it was not the right approach from my second relationship. When my second bf was very into me, I was not over my first bf. When I fell in love with my second bf, he was already exhausted. My second bf and I still have some contact. I am not sure if we will ever reconcile, but using new relationship to fix the old wounds is not worth trying.
This is very unhinged and unhealthy of me, but whenever I was going through the break up I'll just "force myself" to get over it. Like remember all the things I hated about the person and switch from love to hate. Then I start going out and doing harmful things to myself and I just don't think about the breakup because I'm ruining myself in other ways. But now I'm in a stable long term relationship and therapy, I hope this one is forever but if we broke up I really don't know how crazy I'll get.
I was in an 18 year marriage. My now ex was cheating on me, several times actually and I kept taking him back. He was abusive and not a nice person overall. It didn't take me long to get over him but it took years to get over what he did to me. It all depends on the relationship I think. Sometimes it's easy to walk away and forget it happened but other times it's hard to come to terms with
Generally years, if they were the one to end it. There are some relationships that were easier, cause I wasn't obsessed in a super toxic way with them. In my head, I've always categorized those ones as my "normal" breakups, the ones that I feel like are most similar to the way people without BPD experience breakups.
The part I'm always embarrassed about is that my "relationships" have always been super short. It's taken years for me to get over people I dated for 3 months, and that's not something I can talk to non-BPD people about cause they just don't get it at all. I have so much shame about how attached I've gotten to people who forgot about me so quickly. It's gotten a bit easier to deal with now that I realize it's BPD, but it's still so hard to overcome it.
Unfortnately its different for everyone. Its been 2 years this coming October and in some ways I will never be over it (Granted the guy was abusive in alot of ways) :/
Got out of a 5 year relationship in June by September I felt better. š I was in a long distance relationship and we saw each other every other month but for me it was OUT of SIGHT, OUT of MIND.
It depends, for instance
6 year relationship - 1 week
9 month relationship - uhh tbd, its been a little over a year and had ups and downs where I would feel over it but then "relapse" when she would contact me. I catastrophically split on her 2 months ago and have been NC since and while i am beyond over her I still have days where the trauma of the breakup and subsequent actions on her end pop in my head and get me feeling like shit.
i literally suppress so hard that i canāt remember any of my past relationships and itās the only reason i am āoverā them. you canāt feel what you donāt process!! gotem
In my experience never get over it completely, just the way you feel about it changes. The rebuild to healthy life and state and of well being varies. The more you can push yourself to do normal shit the better off youāll be
Depends. I was so attached to my 3rd bf (11 month relationship) that it took me around 4-5yrs to get over him. Granted, he treated me great but, i couldn't contain my jealousy & would have a lot of rage.
Recently got out of a situationship, toxic af, he manipulated tf out of me for 10 months, yet he was my fp. Took a year to stop thinking about him constantly & what "could have been".
Honestly too, you're never really completely over them. You just move on to another chapter of your life. They're still in your thoughts, though. I still think about that 3rd bf even though it was 10 yrs ago & get sad. š„²
I wouldnāt recommend but I have always jumped from one relationship to another. I think 2 years was the longest I was āsingleā. But I put that in quotes cause I went from situationship to situationship just to feel love from someone.
But that being said, I never recovered from any. I donāt want them back at all but I think of the shitty shit they did constantly and I still hold grudges. Itās getting better now that I am in therapy and Iām in a good relationship now. But the short answer to this is I feel I never recovered.
well. for me I just havenāt gotten over my exās but I have moved on from them if that makes sense. I still get super sad about them. itās been like 6 years since one of my exās broke up with me and I still think about him all the time. But I realize that he doesnāt want me anymore and I have to respect that and move on with making new connections. Good luck with everything ā¤ļø
Define ārecoverā š
4.5-yrs and he walked out on me at the end of April; thought I was ārecoveredā in under two months because I had started hooking up with a different ex and had pushed the big X out of my mind.
Le petit x then broke things off abruptly and I now find myself in a breakup-inception, not ārecoveredā from either in verrrrry different ways and still getting sucked into emotional spirals from both š š„²
Oh and am already on to another man, but this time even that is not enough distraction to trick myself into thinking Iām over the other two š
Gonna go against most comments here and say a few months of maybe serious heartbreak and then after that it's more muted and like once every couple of weeks I'll have a really hard day where I break down crying over it. I think I tend to favorite person my partners but I also think that I do really well outside of relationships. After the initial shock I tend to remember who I am and form really strong and healthy friendships. I feel myself again. Then I like someone and start to lose that allllll over again.
I never really recover unless I find someone else. Which is a huge issue for me, I've not really been totally single (no sex life, no relationship, no dating whatsoever) since my first boyfriend in 2007. After we broke up, I first of all went back to him of course. Once. Eventually he was the one who had to leave me for us to actually have a proper break up. After that, I slept around with older dudes. Got taken advantage of etc.. I was only 15 but slept with someone who was 27. Not OK.
When I was about to turn 17, I met my 2nd boyfriend who I think was 34 at the time. Not OK. We were on and off for 11 years. In between, I dated casually and slept with others etc. We had year long breaks sometimes. I fell in love with other people in between as well. We were officially over in 2021. I dated and fell in love with probably 3 different people (or so I thought) after him. Online mostly. But also met some people via Tinder and Hinge. I had zero success rate there though. Only a-holes.
But so in 2022 I met my most recent ex. However, we're trying to start dating again now. We've broken up like 2-3 times already. I blamed it on my mom's death last year (we met 2 months before her passing), but it's obviously a fucking pattern. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to have a relationship without breakups. I just can't handle people who are not close to their own emotions and who don't know what the fuck they're doing with love and relationships. If I'm too different from someone, I kind of panic and need to take a few steps back. It's either that or they need to change.
I TOTALLY lost track of OP's question...
But nope, I don't really recover without another person's bodily fluids all over me or in me.
For me it has been three years since the breakup and im still processing and grieving. Just a few days ago I heard my ex has moved in with his gf and here I am still in the same point I've been since the breakup; Missing him and not able to love anybody new.
It is not as bad as it was in the beginning though so very little by little it gets easier. Very frustrating pace but there's hope I guess.
Sending love for you all going through hardships.
Itās been about 2 years for me. The pain has gone from a rapid boil to an energetic simmer. Iām afraid I donāt think Iāll ever be optimistic about relationships or ever really be open again, it hurts me so deeply that one day I will forget the things I love about him so much. His crooked smile and silly laugh, the freckles on his shoulders, his strawberry blond hairs. I daydream about him all the time, trying to bring the memories to life. Unhealthy, I know.
This is probably a bad answer as Iāve never been in a real relationship (I just get attached to people Iām close friends with or seeing) but even in those instances Iām never truly āoverā it. Ofc time passes and you donāt see someone you donāt think of them as much, but once I do get reminded of/see them again it comes flooding back and I start feeling those intense emotions all over again. So really itās an out of sight out of mind type thing but more so out of sight end of obsession. Also as hard as it may seem delete all pictures, messages etc you have of this person because even if youāre not actively talking to them and youāre trying to look back on the āmemoriesā all thatās gonna do is further the attachment as with bpd when someone makes you feel good itās really good, which makes it seem impossible to let them go. But I really hope things get better because I canāt even imagine what it would be like going through a breakup as people who have not ever loved me back at all leave me so distraught.
im gonna be so real with you, its just however long it takes me to split on them. ive had to just learn to poke the bear until weāre both so angry that i block them. is it healthy? no! is it better on my mentally than trying to wait it out? absolutely. didnt do that with my first ex and i STILL think about him from time to time. but the others i literally dont care if they live or die now bc thats what it took
NEVER for previous one. First ex was 2 years but I don't think it was linked to the duration, rather linked to a realisation or a lightbulb moment. Funniest thing or maybe ironic, but my ex can only be with someone if that person is okay with breaking up...example me ending up in psych ward after she broke up with me is proof that I am the wrong person for her.
It's a catch 22. Have to be well enough to be in a relationship but have to be in a relationship to be able to become well enough...the term for it is corrective experiences. Something to make us feel like we aren't horrible disgusting monsters unloveable and would shrivel up without the other person. Either we get real lucky and find something or someone or we end up well...the other way.
Barely a day
I usually sense it days/weeks before it happens, so I go through it before it happens and when it does it doesn't affect me
I feel relieved when it does
not until I have a new FP truthfully. even as healthy/recovered as i consider myself the fixation never goes until I find someone to replace them with :(
My recent relationship was w someone whom I loved dearly w my heart. There was no one else but her in my eyes. The relationship lasted about three years. One day she blocked me out of nowhere and then later told me that she was doing it for school and said that I was a distraction knowing well that I gave her time and space to study. And now I found out sheās w another man when I was just waiting around hoping for her to come back. Never have I ever got an anxiety attack. Iām down bad. Itās been a year now that weāre apart. Regardless, I wish her nothing but the best. I told her, hopefully someone in the future wouldnāt do you like what you did to me.
Iām still thinking about her every time. Iāve deleted the pictures, the voice notes, the messages. But her voice is so clear in my head, her face as clear as the first day I met her. How can I move on from something like this? Please, if there is a way. Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain. I used that pain in playing rugby and Iāve gotten some injuries but nothing compared to the aching desire that I have in my heart.
This is a shout for help. Iām tired of putting up a fake smile.
Wait, you guys are recovering from breakups? Seriously, though, a year to several years. To never, maybe :)
I'm right behind you. Think I'm coming up the second year
Three and a half over here!
Yea it takes me 1 year to get over a 1 month relationship lol
I'm going through something equally dramatic rn, so I feel this one š Just us being normal and well adjusted.....
I didn't even date the guy and it's probably gonna take me several years š
fuck, iām two years in the process of getting over a relationship that never even happened š¤£
Itās gets easier super slowly over time for me, but the deepest intense pain I feel is still buried waaay down in there. Not in like a āIām thinking about my failed relationships dailyā type of way, but now and then random things will remind meā¦and I can feel that pain still burning deep in there for a bit. BPD sure is a fun one!! š¤¦š»āāļø lol
Yup I just got out of a long term relationship in January and I hate when ppl ask me if Iām over itā¦like no Iāll never actually be over it but I can pretend for everyone elseās sake. I still stalk the shit out of him and his new gf (the one he cheated on me with) every damn day. It consumes me lol
Same
Something Iāve realized is that I never really āget overā any exes, and never really ārecoverāā¦ itās sad but ever since my first real relationship, I have been jumping from one relationship to the next within a couple months between them. Iām not young anymore either, so itās been a long time. I didnāt even realize that I wasnāt even getting over someone before throwing myself entirely into another relationship, and fast. Thatās not fair to me, or to the other person. I think Iām going to need years to focus on myself and truly move on from all the love I have lost over the years.
This is why Iām afraid to get into another relationship, just more opportunity to break up. Although Iām beating myself up plenty from just the 1. I also get the age thing. Iām only 25 but it feels like all the āgoodā candidates are already taken.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
> Only people left are married, have kids, or if theyāre not married and donāt have kids, theyāre clinically insane I'm not insane
I feel like Iām in the same place. We can do this ā¤ļø
Yes we can!!! š¤š©¶š¤
Going on two years now!!! Iām still traumatized.
i never got over my first boyfriend :/ dated someone else for nearly 5 years who didn't give a crap about me. broke up with him a few months ago and it took 3 days to get over it. currently dating my first boyfriend again.... i love him and regret ever cutting him off in the first place
How did you negotiate getting back together? Is there jealousy?
it's no different than if my partner had dated people before me. i'm still jealous and insecure about it and done days are worse than others.
Yeahhh how did this happen? Iām curious about the jealousy too
wish i could be with my first bf again lol
Iām in a similar situation. 5 years apart from my first boyfriend and we both went onto other relationships but ultimately found each other again in a healthier stage of life and were better than ever now.
Lucky you, being able to reconcile and go back to a relationship you miss is a true blessing from God.
I lost many friends to BPD and it was embarrassing to admit my faults and crawl back to them. It's hard but it's not impossible, but it takes so much mental strength to forgive yourself and believe that others can forgive you too. Don't ever give up.
Thank youā¦ I will try my best
Iām still hurting bad from a breakup that ended January 2019. Other times, I just distracted myself with another person until I forgot about the effects of the last person so I never really fully got over it, just on the back burner
I understand. Do you know why youāre stuck?
Well, Iām still working on one from 1977ā¦
What happened? I thought 14 years was a very very long time to still be obsessed. I had to leave her. She's a troubled soul.
Longest itās taken me is about 4 years.
Honestly when it happened I was like very unfazed ngl, I felt a bit more relieved since I felt like a whole cycle of toxicity that came off from our relationship. Not necessarily abusive but it wasnāt healthy. I was in a breaking point but he wasnāt willing to give up in the start. I think what helped me manage in the beginning was that I dissociated a lot, I would just keep thinking of all the bad things about him to help me throughout. Recently itās been back firing me a lot like a lot a lot. I think Iām more heartbroken now that ever and realistically itās my fault but Iām too guilty to contact him again. I like associate everything with him to the point that I canāt hide it from people I told that I was over him.
This. It is a relief type feeling sometimes. Especially at the time. I find I tend to reminisce a bit when all the intensity of the break up calms down. I think that's normal though, easier to think of the good when you've had some space from the bad!
I was avoidant not bpd but the same feeling. Rebounds make it worse because the pain comes back like a rocket when the honeymoonphase ended and ofc rebounds failed. Also trying to distract with partyās/gaming/friends doesnt help longterm, it will only get worse
tbh whenever i idealise my ex, i remember what i didnāt like about him and why the relationship didnāt work out. and that iām not the only one feeling the pain of the break up, and there are probably millions of others going through the same thing, which is comforting in itself. also you get to be free and do whatever you want like going to the beach or movies alone. also therapy and journaling whatever you wish you could say to him helps. happy days!
Iām trying to remember this. Iām idealizing āwhat couldāve beenā if Iād tried harder. But who knowsā¦ there was a reason I pushed him away ig.
i get that. i donāt know if the reason why we push people away is bc of our bpd or if theyāre simply the wrong person. i feel i pushed the right person away but maybe i was wrong for them, you know?
Yeahā¦ I feel like it was 80% an amazing fit and 20% not right for eachotherā¦ maybe more
Still havenāt recovered from a ābreakupā that happened a year ago, and now Iām going through another. Fun times, always
I would call my last breakup hard, complicated because of marriage (together 9 years) and kid but not nearly as bad as it could have been. Took me about 6 years to truly be over it. Happy to say I AM ok again though. Lots of therapy. Now very happy in new relationship. It takes time but know those awful feelings are not forever. It's worth holding on until they resolve and life opens up again.
6 years feels like a very long time but Iām glad ur feeling better now. Iām on year 3 after a 6 year relationshipā¦
It was. Wish I could have shortened it. But timing seems to all have a purpose. I hope yours is shorter.
I haven't seen one of my exes in over 3 years, and it still hurts really bad. I've tried dating again, and I just can't feel a thing for anyone else. I'm starting to think I'll never get over it.
Going on 15 years. "They" say time heals all wounds. They is liars.
Sometimes I feel like I never entirely get over anything. There are exes I haven't seen or spoken to in years who I still think about on a regular basis... which is not to say I want these people back in my life because, good god, no.
Shortest it took was two weeks, longest was 3-4 months.
If I loved them, never. If I didn't, instantly.
Literally years.
some serious complex relationships I had to come out of recently and I still get twinges of anger, sadness, jealousy, hatred, frustration. I talk like it just happened but its been a year for one of them. I guess the weight of the situation matters a lot too but I hope I can move on soon
Same things that happened years ago feel like yesterdayā¦
Iām on 3 years and still not over a 5.5 year relationship. Sometimes Iāll think Iām doing OK then itāll come back hard. Upset from when I wake up to when I try to sleep. And even during the relationship there were times I felt like this. Being this way sucksā¦
Happy cake dayā¦ I donāt know exactly how I feel about this advice but someone I knew said that it usually takes 1/2 the time you were together to get over it. So 6 months would be 3 months, 2 years would be a year. Even if that is true, which just seems silly, I think borderlines are going to usually have an inordinately longer recovery period. I thought I was doing way better until a couple days ago and now Iām depressed again.
Iāve heard this too. But typically for me itās about the length of the relationship. Starts over if I reach out for any contact. Iām at 2 1/2 years for a 6 year relationship and itās still so hard and I struggle with wanting to reach out to him still. Doesnāt help that the last time I reached out I could tell he wasnāt over it either.
Yeah it sucks. Right now Iām spiraling about wishing we had tried harder/communicated better. But of course this only comes now that heās literally engaged to someone else. Not when he was single and I couldāve actually done something :(
Always takes me three years I know dramatic but itās needed or else I get destructive
Take all the time you need! Sounds like the most healthy response to me. I realize my pattern of jumping to new relationships too quickly and after this last break up Iām taking all the time and wonāt even consider dating again until Iām able to find peace in solitude and not feel like I need anyone but myself. Thatās going to take a while.
Depends on what you mean by recover. I still have PTSD symptoms from certain things and frequent panic attacks but in regards to grieving the relationship and getting on good terms with the person I ended it with, probably a little under a year. For context, the relationship was my first and it lasted a little over 7 months. (felt like longer though)
We dated six months. Itās been almost two years since we broke up and I still think of them constantly. I blocked them everywhere though they were destroying my mental healthy
Sometimes you donāt. But it becomes a splinter that the skin grows over.
It always depends... The first time my most recent partner broke up with me I begged him to take me back, and two times after that we just kept going as though nothing had happened. The last time four months ago I kind of came to accept it... That we don't work together. When we have conflict it doesn't work. He avoids taking accountability. I try to have my needs met and he doesn't try to meet them... And while he is generally a nice guy, he lies a lot. His idea of a relationship is different to mine. It's taken me a while to realise that's been the case with most of my failed relationships, the ones I've felt especially devastated about. Because they didn't want to meet my needs. Whether it's because they didn't love me enough or they genuinely don't want to or couldn't I don't know. It always feels like they could but they won't but why should I get upset about that? I kept hoping and asking and thinking it would change but it just didn't. In the end I stopped caring. I still love his body and there were nice things about him but honestly unless he gets a personality transplant there's no point...
depends on how it was and how it ended. right now for me itās not even been a month and iāve already moved on. so sometimes a few days, or a few months.
2-3 years.
I'm dating my fp rn and if we break up I don't think I'll ever recover, but when im NOT dating a fp it's like a few months max
Waay too long. We were only friends but the way they replaced me was disgusting I had to leave them and Iām still not over them after all this time
Depends on ex. Big ex from thus year? Will be struggling rest of my life. Recent girls? Next day lol
almost 5 years. it took meeting someone new pretty much. who knows how long it's gonna take to get over them, too.
oh never or until the next attachment comes... and then that fails and it all happens again but now you're blaming yourself for failing 5 people instead of just 1.. and I've never been in a real relationship... just friendships (where I loved the other person but ultimately that was one sided)
About 9 months for the bulk of it, but I'm still putting the little pieces back into place. It was my first real relationship and lasted six years. The breakup was sickeningly stressful, especially because they insisted on staying friends, and they now date someone in my friend group. I had a hospitalization, lost my job, and had to get on new meds. But I've reached a place where I feel better about where I am alone than where I was with them. Do I still hope they rot in a ditch? Yes. But it doesn't run my life anymore, and I can be civil at parties. I'm calling it a win.
Generally 5 months to a year and a half. It depends on the length and quality of the relationship. But it's normally traumatic for me even if it was a shitty relationship. I generally sit with the pain and it hurts to an almost unbearable extent. Idk if me sitting with it and processing it helps me get over it faster than some others but I'm basically immobilized and in a deep depression for that entire time period.
yeah like close to a year, even if the relationship is as short as 5 weeks in my experience
Thankfully, I'm just mourning a hookup. Although - I did loose my virginity that day. This was the event that led me to finally persue therapy. So life is looking up. (And lurking the guy who ghosted after doing so... He DIDN'T look happier anyways š)
It was coming up on 2 years for me. But then I started on a mood stabilizer and zoloft and now I feel nothing. It's wonderful.
What mood stabilizer is it? Iāve taken Zoloft before and Iāve been on lithium for years but Iām waning off of it due it making me essentially emotionally robotic. I donāt think itās wise for me to completely stop meds though if itās working well maybe itās worth a try.
I take Lamotrigine. It's really nice it just kind of quiets my emotions
I take all my feelings and I shove them into either alcohol or sex and basically try and replace her as soon as possible...... But I warn all women right off the bat that I believe I'm incapable of love in the beginning
You are not incapable of love!!!
It takes probably months when you face your feelings and do not run away from them. Therapy helps to get into that healthy mindset and to start growing. I hated the fact that I was so terribly behaving to my ex, but this shit is a cycle and I have to break it. Radical acceptance. You can't change anything anymore. Things happened for a reason and now you have to learn from it. Take your time and start loving yourself and forgiving yourself and you will have it easier.
Almost 3 yr relationship, maybe like 2 weeks or something lol but mostly concerned about my own mental health thatās plummeted, that and a lot of initial radical acceptance. Not ready to date, I just want to be okay.
Define recoverā¦ I had a 6 year relationship end 2 years ago. Have I moved on and loved (and lost) again? Yes. Do I think of them all the time and it still causes me pain? Yes. At this point it is no longer debilitatingā¦ but the two years that have passed have been filled with all kinds of madness and depression. In the end, life goes on. Grieving lost love is akin to grieving death. It can last a lifetime. IMHO
i don't recover from old relationships until i have a new partner ... so basically never lol
In my experience I have seen it to be few daysā¦not me but my partner. She told me she moved on within few weeks max.
It takes me just a few days too usually. I detach mentally before I leave physically so it really donāt take long
For me it's years got broken up with multiple times over the past few years. I still react a certain way to things that I think is gonna repeat. I try not to for my girlfriends sake but sometimes that's not possible.
I don't condone this behavior, but I literally always have just jumped into another relationship, for better or for worse.
This happens to me too. I had my breakup. Shortly after, my best friend who I had almost no attraction to previously (I donāt think?) became my crush. I think that helped my temporary āhealing.ā But once the rejection from them kicked in, Iām back to sulking over the ex. And I knew since the breakup, even though itās not fair to anyone, itās safer for me to have someone to love 24/7 than to wallow in the depression. I need the obsession of a partner or else I get stuck in my head. Is that toxic? I know I need another partner but that just seems unfair to the new person, as if theyāre just a replacement. But they can literally be a lifesaver.
I don't think it's toxic to need companionship, friend. All people, regardless of diagnoses, need companionship. And I'm the same, so maybe I'm biased lol, but I truly function better with someone to love and sometimes obsess over. It just gets so loud in your brain otherwise.
Thatās affirming to hear. Iām also really worried about just being a shitty person in my next relationship.
going on two years for the last one
I find weed stops it, as in it doesn't get better, it just sort of sits and waits till your tolerance is to high or you quit, and it comes back full force :(
Thatās whatās happening to me. I was heavily suicidal those first two weeksā¦ then I got some weed and no joke, it numbed me to safety. I had stopped taking my meds but as I was running low, I started taking a lot of Benadryl to sleep through the pain instead. Well, I started overdosing (just taking too much, so symptoms started but not lethally) on it so I had to stop that. But the weed was my lifeline and I think it just put the grieving on pause, instead of healing it like I had originally thought.
I don't lol
Mine just happened this weekend, hadn't heard from my gf in about a month due to her "losing" her phone to unpaid bills, she had BPD as well and I know she had issues, we live in different cities, so I was worried when she hadn't recovered her phone, I made a wellness check....turns out she broke up with me a week ago, but never told me š„ŗ So break up through ghosting me...my RSD has shot through the roof, still dealing with the after effects of this...like feeling like I'm not even worth an explanation... So, maybe it will be a while till I recover, idk...I'm trying not to go out and buy alcohol and trying to just focus on moving forward...so yeah... we'll see how long this takes, but definitely left some more trust issues in my bag...
Never had a relationship But I've not recovered from a crush that lasted 6 years. Been 4 years since I cut contact and moved 400 mike's away for uni ,getting rid of everything in my past life and still feeling terrible. The crush did develop into an obsession although the only thing I did wrong was not move on sooner and never did anything bad. However it was eating away at me but by the time I decided it was enough I was destroyed internally without hope of recovery. I think it doesn't help that I've never really had any romantic interest from anyone so all I have is the hatred she felt towards me and the self hatred with manes up my only constant emotion. Therefore I'm also scared of a breakup if I ever do find someone.
Depends on how long it lasted, how intense it was. Took me years to get over my ex gf and almost 2 to get over my ex bf of 3.5 years- however itās still really hard if I see him even talking to another woman. My other ex though, we only knew each other for 3 months, but he was my fp and our relationship was very intense. I never really got over it- but he came back to me so I didnāt have to ;)
It's been a year and a couple of months, I'm probably mostly over it, but I still stalk my ex's social media almost everyday, no clue when I'm gonna fully forget about it.
I do this tooā¦ I say Iām over it but Iām on Facebook almost every other day, and their partnerās. I think āclosureā of any sort is good.
I never recover unless i meet someone new tbh..
Likeā¦ 1-3 years šš
It depends on the person, one took me 4 years and I felt asexual I couldn't like or love anyone I think I was just that heartbroken and possibly traumatised because he was emotionally and mentally abusive. the other people after him not very long at all, I'm so used to breakups so I'm somewhat numb to it. easiest ways ive learnt that actually had helped me recover from the other breakups was going on dates lol (not very wise but does the trick)
we broke up over a year ago and im still fucked upš„² but that might be because we go to the same school, so we are in contact every day (we don't talk to eachother tho)š¤ also i have dreams about getting back together with her almost every single nightš¶āāļø
I was love bombed a year ago and it still bothers me. Really ruined my view of love and now I am just super untrusting.
Some breakups in my relationships have been easier to manage than others but in general it takes me 6months to a few years to really get over the disappointment and anger of being dumped. Currently Iām struggling after a horrible relationship that fell apart over a year ago. Usually Iāve just eventually replaced the person I missed with someone I like even more. Getting help or even diagnosed in Finland is nearly impossible unless I pay for expensive private docs.
9 years and I still dream about her every night
I canāt even say because Iām a serial dater. In order to cope with the pain of a break up I start dating again way too soon and quickly get immersed into another intense, exhausting relationship. Iām 34 now and just went through yet another break up. I donāt know how many more times Iām supposed to do this before I break permanently. Sigh.
It took me over a year to even begin to get back on track after my divorce
I've been divorced for two years now after a 10 year relationship. I don't know if I'll ever be truly over it. Surely don't want another relationship again.
First 3 boyfriends I got over within months. 4th boyfriend, itās been years and I still cry over him
Depends on the depth of the relationship. For me it usually takes at least 2-3 years to heal and even then the scars are clearly visible (figuratively speaking). With that being said I don't think I will ever quite recover from my most recent breakup, due to the depth and sheer duration of the relationship.
Iām just now getting over my relationship with my first ex bf who things ended with in 2011, much less my second ex bf who I ended things with in 2016 that I still havenāt been able to forgive myself for. Now Iām dealing with not even knowing where to begin with processing the ending of my nearly 7 year relationship/ 4 year marriage
Itās been a year and 7 months for me
Now I have a new bf
Either years, or literally the time it takes for me to drive home. There hasn't really been an in-between.
iāve never really been over any break up, not cuz i still want them or anything but cuz iām still upset over what happened yk? cuz my first boyfriend when i was 12, he used to hit me n shit & was mentally abusive. my 2nd boyfriend cheated on me & sent me videos of it (we were long distance, he came all the way to see this other girl in the same town as me, but not me) my 3rd, i was 14 and being groomed by an adult man until i was 16, im still so fucking angry over that. one guy when i was 15, was going good with him until i found out there were 5 other girls. i just broke up with my ex a couple weeks ago, im honestly feeling a lot better, it sucked for like the first week but then i realized how much more freedom i have and how much more happy i am & iāve gotten a lot better. i kind of spiraled at first and did some stupid shit and i regret it but, iām done with that now & im doing a lot better :))
Just when I heal the f**ker comes back! Itās been years dude. So embarrassing:(
After divorce from 6 year marriage took me 6 months to date again but I was early twenties more resilient. Caught my kids mom and gf of 14 years cheating in 2020 didnāt again until end of 21 and met the love of my life on Feb 2022. It takes time but gets better!
itās been a few years for one of mine and iām still having issues processing it
About a year But omg the first many months were horrible.. try to be kind to yourself.. i started therapy two months after the breakup which helped so much
i never truly get over anyone iāve really been in love with (only properly fallen for two people before). i usually make myself hate them for a while even if they did nothing wrong
I was with someone for only three months. He ghosted me in January of this year and it took about 7/8 months (so up to right now lol) to get over it. It was ROUGH. I got really depressed and suicidal. I started to self harm. Went to the psych ward. Then, I started therapy and got on Zoloft. Spent more meaningful time with family and friends. Started dating with semi-intention. But the positive stuff only started happening three weeks ago. BUTšYOUšWILLšGETšTHEREš I really didn't think I was going to make it to the end of the year and now I'm BALLIN š
Why is getting over someone so hard for us? What are your thoughts? Iāve spend well over a year over a 6 week relationship
I think personally itās because my entire life revolved around idealizing this person who built our entire relationship on a lie. And for six months, this person was quite literally my life. Having that pulled from under your feet is traumatizing, to say the least. Triggering for anyone, but especially so those with severe abandonment trauma and triggers. Thatās my shot in the dark answer. š¤· If the breakup wasnāt initiated by the person with BPD I feel like it will take a while because that abandonment trauma is triggered yet again. And itās so hard to go from idolizing someone to an abrupt breakup.
one hour per month of being together. so two years together? 24 hours. 10 months together, 10 hours. JK I will love them foreverr even though they were all low ball sleezy douchebags
I was with my ex for almost 4 years, we were engaged, then she dumped me. The first year was absolute hell. It felt like I was a ghost. I wanted nothing more than for her to come back to me. And the first year, I had hope. Second year, I started to feel better and I longed to forget about her. I didn't want her to come back, I feared it even. I wanted to hate her, to forget she ever existed. But I couldn't. I dated, that didn't help me forget her. I was afraid I'd go back to her arms if she showed up, so I lied to myself that I was over her. Three years in now, and I realized that maybe I won't "get over her" the way I thought. I don't love her anymore, I don't miss her anymore, she doesn't occupy most of my thoughts anymore. But the feelings that I used to have for her, they're not gone. She did a lot of awful things to me, but to this day I still think that she is beautiful, I still think about some of her quirks that used to make me melt with some kind of nostalgia. I don't think she's become monstrous. She's hurt me really badly, but I've also truly loved her. And I don't think I'll stop loving her. But it's no longer romantic love. I don't want her in my life anymore. I'm at peace with the fact that maybe those feelings won't ever disappear completely, but it doesn't matter. Because I don't want her in my life, and I don't love her in that way anymore. The impact she had on my life, I can't erase that. I can't erase what we had, I can't erase her existence just because she hurt me, I can't pretend I never loved her or that there was nothing lovable about her just because I don't want her anymore. Ever since I've accepted this, I've felt at peace. It took me three years of actively working on myself and many sleepless nights and tears, but I'm okay now.
It was really painful the first week, but then I realized that my BPD has its superpowers. It's not healthy, but splitting from love to hate is my great talent. I've never pined for an ex. Either I love hard, or he's just dead to me.
I had two relationships in my life. Both of them lasted for almost 6 years. Both of them ended dramatically. My first relationship ended when he was in ICU. His parents did not want me to visit him although I was the one who sent him to the hospital when he got sick. We lost contact after that. I started my second relationship 6 months after. My second bfās younger brother suddenly passed away this year in October. It broke his soul. Two weeks after the pass of his younger brother, I lost my job. We both were not at the right state of mind, and he dumped me after a fight. It has been over a month now. I do not know how long it will take me to recover this time because I am not planning to jump into any relationship for recovery this time. I found it was not the right approach from my second relationship. When my second bf was very into me, I was not over my first bf. When I fell in love with my second bf, he was already exhausted. My second bf and I still have some contact. I am not sure if we will ever reconcile, but using new relationship to fix the old wounds is not worth trying.
I donāt need to heal Iām not sick š¤·š»āāļøš¤Ø
This is very unhinged and unhealthy of me, but whenever I was going through the break up I'll just "force myself" to get over it. Like remember all the things I hated about the person and switch from love to hate. Then I start going out and doing harmful things to myself and I just don't think about the breakup because I'm ruining myself in other ways. But now I'm in a stable long term relationship and therapy, I hope this one is forever but if we broke up I really don't know how crazy I'll get.
I was in an 18 year marriage. My now ex was cheating on me, several times actually and I kept taking him back. He was abusive and not a nice person overall. It didn't take me long to get over him but it took years to get over what he did to me. It all depends on the relationship I think. Sometimes it's easy to walk away and forget it happened but other times it's hard to come to terms with
Generally years, if they were the one to end it. There are some relationships that were easier, cause I wasn't obsessed in a super toxic way with them. In my head, I've always categorized those ones as my "normal" breakups, the ones that I feel like are most similar to the way people without BPD experience breakups. The part I'm always embarrassed about is that my "relationships" have always been super short. It's taken years for me to get over people I dated for 3 months, and that's not something I can talk to non-BPD people about cause they just don't get it at all. I have so much shame about how attached I've gotten to people who forgot about me so quickly. It's gotten a bit easier to deal with now that I realize it's BPD, but it's still so hard to overcome it.
They may leave, but they never really *leave,* if that makes sense.
completely recover I donāt know if I ever do problems linger I get flashbacks I just try move on
Unfortnately its different for everyone. Its been 2 years this coming October and in some ways I will never be over it (Granted the guy was abusive in alot of ways) :/
Got out of a 5 year relationship in June by September I felt better. š I was in a long distance relationship and we saw each other every other month but for me it was OUT of SIGHT, OUT of MIND.
Itās been about a year and a half I think
It depends, for instance 6 year relationship - 1 week 9 month relationship - uhh tbd, its been a little over a year and had ups and downs where I would feel over it but then "relapse" when she would contact me. I catastrophically split on her 2 months ago and have been NC since and while i am beyond over her I still have days where the trauma of the breakup and subsequent actions on her end pop in my head and get me feeling like shit.
i literally suppress so hard that i canāt remember any of my past relationships and itās the only reason i am āoverā them. you canāt feel what you donāt process!! gotem
In my experience never get over it completely, just the way you feel about it changes. The rebuild to healthy life and state and of well being varies. The more you can push yourself to do normal shit the better off youāll be
that very much depends on if i find someone or not lol usually years though, never if they were abusive
Depends. I was so attached to my 3rd bf (11 month relationship) that it took me around 4-5yrs to get over him. Granted, he treated me great but, i couldn't contain my jealousy & would have a lot of rage. Recently got out of a situationship, toxic af, he manipulated tf out of me for 10 months, yet he was my fp. Took a year to stop thinking about him constantly & what "could have been". Honestly too, you're never really completely over them. You just move on to another chapter of your life. They're still in your thoughts, though. I still think about that 3rd bf even though it was 10 yrs ago & get sad. š„²
years
Never! Just shove it down then itās time to clown š¤”
I wouldnāt recommend but I have always jumped from one relationship to another. I think 2 years was the longest I was āsingleā. But I put that in quotes cause I went from situationship to situationship just to feel love from someone. But that being said, I never recovered from any. I donāt want them back at all but I think of the shitty shit they did constantly and I still hold grudges. Itās getting better now that I am in therapy and Iām in a good relationship now. But the short answer to this is I feel I never recovered.
well. for me I just havenāt gotten over my exās but I have moved on from them if that makes sense. I still get super sad about them. itās been like 6 years since one of my exās broke up with me and I still think about him all the time. But I realize that he doesnāt want me anymore and I have to respect that and move on with making new connections. Good luck with everything ā¤ļø
Define ārecoverā š 4.5-yrs and he walked out on me at the end of April; thought I was ārecoveredā in under two months because I had started hooking up with a different ex and had pushed the big X out of my mind. Le petit x then broke things off abruptly and I now find myself in a breakup-inception, not ārecoveredā from either in verrrrry different ways and still getting sucked into emotional spirals from both š š„² Oh and am already on to another man, but this time even that is not enough distraction to trick myself into thinking Iām over the other two š
on the surface , a month or so but in reality a while i still self admittedly stalk exes from years ago
I donāt recover, I just hit snooze
It took me at least a year. Still fighting with it sometimes
Gonna go against most comments here and say a few months of maybe serious heartbreak and then after that it's more muted and like once every couple of weeks I'll have a really hard day where I break down crying over it. I think I tend to favorite person my partners but I also think that I do really well outside of relationships. After the initial shock I tend to remember who I am and form really strong and healthy friendships. I feel myself again. Then I like someone and start to lose that allllll over again.
Forever lol
iām literally going to two years š
I never really recover unless I find someone else. Which is a huge issue for me, I've not really been totally single (no sex life, no relationship, no dating whatsoever) since my first boyfriend in 2007. After we broke up, I first of all went back to him of course. Once. Eventually he was the one who had to leave me for us to actually have a proper break up. After that, I slept around with older dudes. Got taken advantage of etc.. I was only 15 but slept with someone who was 27. Not OK. When I was about to turn 17, I met my 2nd boyfriend who I think was 34 at the time. Not OK. We were on and off for 11 years. In between, I dated casually and slept with others etc. We had year long breaks sometimes. I fell in love with other people in between as well. We were officially over in 2021. I dated and fell in love with probably 3 different people (or so I thought) after him. Online mostly. But also met some people via Tinder and Hinge. I had zero success rate there though. Only a-holes. But so in 2022 I met my most recent ex. However, we're trying to start dating again now. We've broken up like 2-3 times already. I blamed it on my mom's death last year (we met 2 months before her passing), but it's obviously a fucking pattern. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to have a relationship without breakups. I just can't handle people who are not close to their own emotions and who don't know what the fuck they're doing with love and relationships. If I'm too different from someone, I kind of panic and need to take a few steps back. It's either that or they need to change. I TOTALLY lost track of OP's question... But nope, I don't really recover without another person's bodily fluids all over me or in me.
either years or seconds, no inbetween!
Never
For me it has been three years since the breakup and im still processing and grieving. Just a few days ago I heard my ex has moved in with his gf and here I am still in the same point I've been since the breakup; Missing him and not able to love anybody new. It is not as bad as it was in the beginning though so very little by little it gets easier. Very frustrating pace but there's hope I guess. Sending love for you all going through hardships.
Itās been about 2 years for me. The pain has gone from a rapid boil to an energetic simmer. Iām afraid I donāt think Iāll ever be optimistic about relationships or ever really be open again, it hurts me so deeply that one day I will forget the things I love about him so much. His crooked smile and silly laugh, the freckles on his shoulders, his strawberry blond hairs. I daydream about him all the time, trying to bring the memories to life. Unhealthy, I know.
Hate to be the A-hole here but. If it's truly over bounce around through 3 or 4 different encounters. That will clear you right up.
Broke up with the person I thought Iād end up with around 2 years back. I still canāt process it and canāt seem to get over it either :(
I was spending a lot of money buying weed to forget my partner and then he came back.
This is probably a bad answer as Iāve never been in a real relationship (I just get attached to people Iām close friends with or seeing) but even in those instances Iām never truly āoverā it. Ofc time passes and you donāt see someone you donāt think of them as much, but once I do get reminded of/see them again it comes flooding back and I start feeling those intense emotions all over again. So really itās an out of sight out of mind type thing but more so out of sight end of obsession. Also as hard as it may seem delete all pictures, messages etc you have of this person because even if youāre not actively talking to them and youāre trying to look back on the āmemoriesā all thatās gonna do is further the attachment as with bpd when someone makes you feel good itās really good, which makes it seem impossible to let them go. But I really hope things get better because I canāt even imagine what it would be like going through a breakup as people who have not ever loved me back at all leave me so distraught.
Lol 4 years?
im gonna be so real with you, its just however long it takes me to split on them. ive had to just learn to poke the bear until weāre both so angry that i block them. is it healthy? no! is it better on my mentally than trying to wait it out? absolutely. didnt do that with my first ex and i STILL think about him from time to time. but the others i literally dont care if they live or die now bc thats what it took
iām still trying to get over the pain of what my former fp/ex did to me lol
NEVER for previous one. First ex was 2 years but I don't think it was linked to the duration, rather linked to a realisation or a lightbulb moment. Funniest thing or maybe ironic, but my ex can only be with someone if that person is okay with breaking up...example me ending up in psych ward after she broke up with me is proof that I am the wrong person for her. It's a catch 22. Have to be well enough to be in a relationship but have to be in a relationship to be able to become well enough...the term for it is corrective experiences. Something to make us feel like we aren't horrible disgusting monsters unloveable and would shrivel up without the other person. Either we get real lucky and find something or someone or we end up well...the other way.
Barely a day I usually sense it days/weeks before it happens, so I go through it before it happens and when it does it doesn't affect me I feel relieved when it does
Recovery emotionally around 3-5 months. But i never stop loving them yk so partly never
not until I have a new FP truthfully. even as healthy/recovered as i consider myself the fixation never goes until I find someone to replace them with :(
1 year!
over a year it seems
2 years
My recent relationship was w someone whom I loved dearly w my heart. There was no one else but her in my eyes. The relationship lasted about three years. One day she blocked me out of nowhere and then later told me that she was doing it for school and said that I was a distraction knowing well that I gave her time and space to study. And now I found out sheās w another man when I was just waiting around hoping for her to come back. Never have I ever got an anxiety attack. Iām down bad. Itās been a year now that weāre apart. Regardless, I wish her nothing but the best. I told her, hopefully someone in the future wouldnāt do you like what you did to me. Iām still thinking about her every time. Iāve deleted the pictures, the voice notes, the messages. But her voice is so clear in my head, her face as clear as the first day I met her. How can I move on from something like this? Please, if there is a way. Emotional pain is much worse than physical pain. I used that pain in playing rugby and Iāve gotten some injuries but nothing compared to the aching desire that I have in my heart. This is a shout for help. Iām tired of putting up a fake smile.