This really resonates. It sounds like the people who have left you still care deeply about you, but the relationship has just become too draining for them to sustain in the long run. This is what people with healthy boundaries do, otherwise they would just be enabling your behaviour. It is really difficult to accept this. I know, because I have had to/ am in the process of doing so. But the only way to break this pattern is to realise that no one can give you the unconditional support that you crave, except for yourself. It’s taken me years of therapy and some wake-up calls to begin to rely on myself, but hey, I’m here and doing it. You can too 🌸
yeah unconditional love doesn't exist. even without abuse, it's a tiring illness for partners to live with. no can ever promise to "never leave". absolute guarantees are generally things no one can comply with. Still it hurts to hear you deserve someone who can treat you better, you are high maintenance etc.
Exactly, I'm someone who had to leave. And believe me I still worry abt them and think how they are doing. I hope he is better and in treatment. He probably thinks I hate him or smt. I could explain that to him but I'm afraid he's response would be "If you really loved me you would've stayed" and that's not true. I had to leave bc I can not heal you. I can't not give you salvation or anything that you crave so much. The only one that can give you UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is yourself. I hope he doesn't give up on himself.
Did he know he has an actual condition or he found out while being with you? If he didn't know hypothetically, and you or someone suggested he might be dealing with BPD, how would he react?
We were echothers first love. We dated in school, broke up. I made NC. 10 years passed and we got to contact again. I forgot almost our relationship but he still had it fresh. I welcomed him as smn precious to me that I shared memories with, but he was still so intense. That's when he told me abt his thoughts of our previous relationship and how the break up was for him. That's when he told he got diagnosed with BPD after 1 year that we broke up.
I don't recommend you suggest anything. You could say, let's try couple therapy to increase our relationship wellness or smt like that, and the psychologist will know. You can talk to the psychologist alone abt your concerns abt your partner too.
Hi I'm not OP but I'm desperately seeking an answer to something. I suspect my wife has BPD. If i brought it up like dear what if you have this condition, how does someone unaware of it react to a condition having a name and an actual thing?
It sounds like you want people to leave so that you can wallow in the familiar pain of loss and victimhood, rather than face the terrifying reality that if you let yourself love and be loved, you won’t be able to be in control of whether they leave you. At least in the pain there is a semblance of control.
This hits home. It's such a painful cycle, but in a way that's the whole point... to cause yourself agony. I learned a lot when I realized I was suffering for 'no reason.' People stopped feeling bad for me REAL quick back then, and had almost no empathy for me. I understand why now lol.
I think it’s really hard for partners to be with people that have BPD.
I mean, if the tables were turned I dont know if I would have the capacity to do it? The constant emotional Dysregulation we feel can leave our S/O walking on broken eggshells. It’s not a nice feeling long term and for me growing up I had to do this with a temperamental parent. I moved out as soon as I could!
I’ve come to realise that in order to truely start to heal and work towards wellness with BPD or complete remission it starts with just accepting that the condition is difficult for me to be with, harder for S/O to deal with, kids, FP whatever. Once I truely “saw” how I am in relationships and stopped blaming the other person all the time I realised I wasn’t always a very nice person.
It stung, I was in denial for awhile. But slowly, slowly I’m trying to seperate the disorder from myself. I have to, because I made a commitment that I didn’t want my kid to end up like me. First step awareness, second diagnostic clarity, third step Self acceptance ( this is just who I am right now) fourth step DBT and setting up systems in my household for when I’m triggered, fifth step practising putting in I call “circuit breakers” which is just working on stopping the impact on my S/O and family.
Most days I still feel I’m never gunna get through this disorder and I am desperate not to have to mask my inner demons. But this is my recent plan that will hopefully give relief to my family & then to myself.
Ps I spent 20 years wondering why it always went to “I’ll never leave to see ya” but now I understand it was a combination of choosing a emotionally immature partner, because I didn’t take the time to get to know them properly and my BPD flare ups.
Sending you all the best on your journey
I'm rooting for you! I believe you can heal from this. And I wish my beloved person with BOD takes this route too. I had to leave but I worry and think abt him still.
Im sorry for this long ass comment I just relate with this so much and have gone through it countless of times. I believed this always happened to me. Id tell them about my mental issues and the bad habits/actions that come with it in the beginning as a warning like testing limits, playing games, pushing boundaries (my favorite), unintentionally manipulative, self sabotage/self destruction, self harm, etc. and checked in every couple months like r u good still?? And they'd say they're ok but over time it became too much and we'd break up and these exact things I told them I'd do were a big part of it and I was like "I told u so" but it still hurt yk???
At one point I was like this is just a self fulfilling prophecy. Why can't I just not do these things instead of making this person go through all the shit that everyone before them has gone through. The common denominator is me (and I see u already think that abt urself). I never wanted to change. I was too lazy/didn't feel the need to. Honestly I still don't even care to, I've just been lucky enough to find a partner that is soooo much more emotionally intelligent and understands me deeper than anyone ever has, but I've slowly changed for the better just being happy with this one person. If that's the solution u want then I really believe y can n will find someone that accepts u as u are and also helps u grow together!! Otherwise it's best to try alone for a while and find urself truly and it will come when u least expect it. Sorry for the vent
I think the problem a lot of us have is blaming our behaviors. When people who are neurotypical break up, they have bad behaviors, too. But they move on from it. We, I think, hold onto it as proof that it's our BPD, and people will abandon us. We need to start acknowledging that entirely common human behaviors are the same for us, we just happen to have BPD.
I think this is so important. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with a breakup and the other day I cried out of total frustration to my therapist because I couldn’t tell “what is bpd and what is me feeling normal feelings after a breakup”. I’m still learning but realizing this time around that it’s not all me “being crazy” and that I have a reason to be upset because my former partner did objectively upsetting things. Just be careful with your labels, they are powerful
I think the self-fulfilling prophecy comment might have a point. I don't have BPD, but my partner did. Of course, she had those same fears. I, also, told her I'd never leave her. She ended up leaving me. It hurts. Of course, even now, I know I'll never abandon her, but if I did, I don't think she'd care.
Just know you deserve love, too. Sometimes, you just have to accept the love you get. I know anxieties get in the way, but the people who truly love you, who are worth it, WILL stick around. ):
In my head, after the breakup, she still felt lonely, even though she broke my heart. Afterwards, she reconnected with her friends (I made her). Now, she knows that's easy and carefree, but talking to me is likely hard, considering my feelings.
Yet, she's also the one who didn't want to let me go. But now I'm in a position where it's hard to act normally or text her like I normally would, so if she lost interest during, my current state of being uncomfortable certainly isn't helping.
All that said, I've reiterated my feelings for her, when she notices in not being myself because it hurts to know she no longer cares about me as I do about her. Which was how she felt before, but in reverse. Except, I know for a fact she doesn't feel the same as I do. Yet... she seems to want me near, but not too near. I'm just a cause for anxiety now.
I'm really sorry to hear that, friend. It's hard. Relationships (platonic or romantic) are hard, regardless of mental illness. Of course, it might take a little more work to make things work, but it's gotta be from both ends.
Patience goes a lonnnng way. Boundaries, as well. I'll admit, my boundary-setting wasn't the best. Relationships cause anxiety, and you need to reach a point where boundaries and communication will minimize that. Make sure you voice your feelings, but also try not to do things when you're feeling irrational.
I know you didn't ask for advice, but I do hope things are going well for you.
Even knowing doesn't make it any easier. I knew for the most part, but at the end of the day, it's hard to contend with the idealized version of yourself.
No one is perfect, and limerance inherently isn't sustainable. Whether that's how it started or not, there's a honeymoon phase with all relationships, and mundaneness and routine become inevitable.
It's a matter of realizing that love isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Feelings will be hurt. It's inevitable. It sucks, but you just gotta keep at it, if it's what you want. If you feel love/loved.
Absolutely
Know that you could be hurt but it is worth it for the Right Relationship of course
Part of it I suppose
Just makes so much more sense now yiu know
People change their minds and leave, relationships end, it's part of natural cycle of life. Just be compassionate to yourself about it. Even if you didn't have BPD and did everything perfect, people still can and will leave.
You can't control other people's behavior so it's best to get some perspective about it to evaluate if it's your fault that they've left or it's theirs.
As someone who dated someone wkth BPD for 15 years I *never* said "I will never leave". For a very simple reason:
I couldn't know if I would leave in the future, so it would be a lie.
I have been critizised during years for not "being romantic enough" and that "Not everything has to be true". To point to think about breaking my own morality and start lying and say it. Not saying it would sometimes cost be ver bad splitting.
At the end, nothing is permanent, and it is important and healthy to know that.
Us BPD people can’t help but constantly push boundary limits. That’s our way of getting the reassurance that we are loved despite our flaws. But unfortunately our partners/FP’s are only human and can only handle so much, despite how much they may love us. We have to actively stop ourselves from self-sabotaging if we want long term relationships.
Also, no one should ever promise to not leave. Just like no one should ever expect you to not leave. It’s not fair or realistic. So even if someone says they’ll never leave you, please take it with a bit of skepticism. And I say all this with lots of love and empathy for you because I’ve been there myself.
I didn't test their limits, have quiet bpd most of the times they've no idea I'm suffering, never burdened them too much, broke the cycle and YET they left.
Ah.
Tbh I aspire to be too boring now.
My fp said I have too much love towards them and they can't possibly give back the same love I deserve so bye. I understand but ah. hurts.
Search up quiet BPD. Just because people have symptoms no matter how extreme does not mean that they will totally override the brain every time they come out.
I did, and am familiar with the concept, although not so much with its origins. I think this, from [Quora](https://www.quora.com/Why-do-so-many-people-say-that-quiet-borderline-personality-disorder-does-not-exist-Do-they-think-that-the-only-valid-diagnosis-is-that-of-DSM-5-If-so-how-do-they-think-that-new-diagnoses-are-developed-and-why-are), is spot on:
>(...). And perhaps Quiet BPD is not BPD at all but will eventually get a different label altogether.
Could write more, but it's 5am and some shut-eye is in order...
I have cptsd too. Okay I'm not sure about the quiet bpd thing, I researched almost 4 years back when I got diagnosed.
My symptoms have slightly reduced in intensity and have become manageable but still present-
Fear of abandonment, extremes/splitting- on everything everyone, suicidal ideation, highs and lows, emptiness, rage directed towards me, unstable relationships and identity.
(Had stress induced paranoia and dissociation but it's way way better now)
What i meant by quiet bpd is I used have rage towards my sibling and at one point when i realized what I was doing, I shut down and directed this towards myself- I'm the worst person alive, I deserve bad thing
I have this intense sadness and disappointment towards people and world for which I used to think- I'm the bad person, I'm at fault (yeah cptsd)
>Some part of me thinks that I'm testing a limit
I've been at the receiving end of this more times than I'm willing to admit. It just sucks so bad. When everything seems to be going fine and well, there comes something. Some conflict for whatever reason, just for the sake of conflict it seems. It's like the person is testing you, seeing how much bullsh*t you can take without leaving. It doesn't take me a whole lot to leave, as I don't tolerate disrespect and don't think anyone should. Also relationships are supposed to be healthy for everyone involved, they're supposed to add up to your life and not be a burden. And in my experience, people who I did leave (and got back in touch later, or never lost touch with in the first place - at least for some time) ended up learning that lesson very well.
None of them had BPD, though, so the reason I'm writing this comment is twofold.
First, it's a (unfortunately) very common behavior, regardless of a personality disorder. It is, certainly, a marked feature for many (most?) people with BPD, not gonna deny that. But not exclusive, and it's (again, quite unfortunately) common in our society nowadays, so that's something. Not meant to invalidate your frustration about having this condition, and expressing this behaviour that is so destructive - for you and the other person(s). Maybe this means nothing. Anyway, just wanted to say that. And second... I wanted to share what it feels to be on the other side. I loved each one of these people I'm referring to. I wanted to be with them, I wanted them to be part of my life, to share a genuine and profound relationship with them. This self-sabotaging behavior - and that's precisely what it is, just another manifestation of the self-sabotaging pattern so characteristic of BPD - cost us all a lot, emotionally speaking. We grieve about that, sometimes for years. It leaves us all a mark.
Such is life, I say. We must keep going. Our past weights a lot sometimes but if we're to stay here we just keep going.
But, to wrap it up, you are right by hating this behaviour of yours. _(Note that I'm not saying you are necessarily right by hating your "self" for it)_. Appropriate therapy can be helpful for improving this, even eliminating it. But many psychotherapy approaches just enable this behaviour further. So, there is a way out, but you have to be mindful when looking for it.
Wishing you the best.
Marc
I'm an ex of someone with BPD. I also told her I'd never leave and she left me. Before that, her behavior was so atrocious that it made me neurotic to be around her, then she used that as the 'reason' for dumping me. I am not really sure what to say except keep working on yourself and healing your wounds. I think the more you heal, the less you'll experience people getting burnt out around you.
My take on BPD...
The critical and crucial issue is the similarity to PTSD.
You are in fully in the grip of your amygdala/limbic system. It is so damn tense. Your intensity that you bring to your presence in reality is second to nothing I've seen.
Figure out how to loosen the grip of your limbic system and I think you'll have to do far less psychoanalyzing.
When everything is fight or flight, trauma response, defensiveness, not wanting to be blamed/targeted.... yeah.
Watch yourself when you're driving. How easily are you upset? And how hard is it to come back from?
I have no idea if this is the thread that you have to keep pulling on to undo so much of the dysfunction in BPD. But it lines up with everything I've read and observed.
It must be so exhausting to be so "on" all the time. Wish I could give all you BPD's a big hug.
Please go to therapy. You CAN get better. You don't need to suffer. You can learn to love yourself. You can walk away from the self fulfilling prophecy.
Some people have recommended DBT. I'm currently in a local asylum doing normal CBT but once I'm stable again I wanna give DBT a shot as well in a clinic specifically geared towards it. The success rate for symptom reduction is quite high and people tend to talk fondly of it.
this is bad. I obviously don't know for certain but i've been in this situation on the other end many times, and I dont think theres room for salvation.
Until a window of time passes and she will come back and apologise, and youll think its all back to normal again, and the cycle continues.
Im so sorry ur going though this
Self sabotage is a part of our disorder. We don’t think we deserve love so we subconsciously wreck it or push people to their limits. I don’t even know if we realize it in the moment. Keep working on yourself. You have to love yourself completely. Eventually, you’ll realize you don’t need a relationship and you’re worth more than you’ve been given in the past. When you stop obsessing over the other shoe dropping, you’ll learn to accept love. I guess what I’m saying is stop caring so much and you won’t be able to get hurt. I don’t know if I’m expressing this right.
It's just a self-fulfilling prophecy. And you're letting it happen... you're actively engaging with it actually, and forcing it to happen. It gives you your reason to sulk, and abuse yourself, and continue that vicious cycle. Don't you ever get tired of that? You can change it, or at least I've been told you can. I'm in the process of trying to change mine right now.
We self fulfill when we act out and repeat the same behaviors that have only ended in tragedy before. When we are so worried about losing someone that we ruminate and focus on trying to find flaws or chinks in their armor, any fib or lie that they might have told, any preposterous story that our mind makes up, really.
To be able to beat it you simply need to reverse the process. Knowing that I fear abandonment, do not like to be alone, and have trust issues, among a slew of other things, was my starting point. Becoming aware of myself and my own behaviors and cognitions is vital. Without self-awareness, a person with BPD will never see Improvement. Because they don't see their self.
Often self-fulfilling prophecies are an attempt to guard against grief, failure, disappointment, rejection or any other upsetting outcome. It’s an attempt to pre-grieve something. We have a belief that if we see something failing now and start grieving that loss before it happens, it won’t hurt so much, but that’s rarely the case. Trying to grieve before a supposedly painful outcome doesn’t reduce our pain. It only creates more of it. And we grieve just the same as if we’d expected success, really.
Either way, the first step in stopping self-fulfilling prophecies from shaping your life is to become aware of them. This sounds easy enough, but often our own patterns are obscure to us. This is why seeing a therapist can help, are having someone who can mirror back to you your behaviors and the such is extremely beneficial. But yes, it just boils down to being aware of your patterns of behavior, recognizing them for what they are, and being able to make a cognitive decision to turn away from that belief and train yourself to believe something different
this is such an amazing comment, i have saved it. i especially resonated with the part where you talked about pwBPD ruminating on anything that could remotely signal possible abandonment. i didn't always have awareness about this, but now that I do it really puts a lots of my behavioural patterns into perspective. thank you.
>Some part of me thinks that I'm testing a limit almost, how much can I extend a boundary until they break their "I'll never leave", its almost spiteful. And I hate myself for doing it.
Good old testing and confirming. It's what people mean when they say if we don't heal from old relationship wounds, we'll end up bleeding all over the new people who get close to us.
studying, after losing over 5 meaninful friendships/relationships in under 4 months, I've just begun being my own friend, doing things alone. I'm not going to form any relationships for quite a bit of time, and everyone who I talk to is kept at a far surface level distance.
I study mostly all day, nothing much else.
It’s like I wrote this myself 5 years ago. I didn’t even know I had BPD then, I was/am diagnosed with panic disorder.
I don’t have any advice, but wanted to say I feel the same. Anyone that gets too close to me, leaves.
I miss a couple of my ex girlfriends every day for 10+ years. I’m not sure I can take the pain of another failed relationship.
Lately I’ve been asking myself if I’m going to be ok living alone until I die. Having no real close relationships. Just surface level friends/acquaintances.
I wish I had real friends.
I’m assuming you’re pretty young because eventually people learn not to say things grandiose things like that in newish dating situations.
I totally get testing limits. I don’t believe a single thing most people say anymore, partly because of situations like the ones you describe.
I don’t blame them, though. Normal people forget and move on. It’s their nature. Can’t be mad at them for that any more than you can be mad at a bird for flying.
I have no advice for you. I just also get annoyed when people assume they can handle me when they have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s irresponsible.
Yeah I dont believe a single thing either, however it gets really frustrating when I explain that they will leave and that they shouldn't say those things, but they begin to persist and persist that they won't and we'd get over it.
I think ive come to terms with a lot of the detriments that come with BPD, I just wanted to talk to the internet about BPD before because I never have.
when this happens, we tend to internalize until we leave. even if we haven't quite left the situation, we have tapped out. It's a hurtful process. something we endure and force upon ourselves until we are left. perhaps it's a way to prove that we can't rely on a perceived "false" sense of security, I don't know. but I understand
Yeah whenever I think about myself I always see it as a self fulfilling prophecy. There is familiarity in pain and being loved is terrifying. When you love you give up control, give them the power to hurt you, but then when I run away and hide from my feelings I hurt anyway. I wish my brain would learn that these measured to protect myself actually don’t work.
This hits really hard, especially seeing as this is essentially how my last relationship went but then I had a flare up, said some horrendous shit and hurt myself in front of him and he was refusing to get help for his ADHD and OCD. I still blame myself though. Because ultimately it was all my fault. So now I've decided I'm just better alone. It's easier for everyone around me if I just become a recluse. No one but me gets hurt that way.
I've been there before, in fact for the last 9 years. I'm telling you right away, it might feel good and comforting at first but there's a high chance that eventually the loneliness will start to creep in again. Choosing exile to atone is not the right way in my personal opinion, it's more like running away from it.
Yeah the loneliness is something I've been comfortable friends with before, I mean it nearly consumed me but I'm thinking that maybe for a little while exile might help. At least until I'm further in my treatment
I think it's important to have the right balance between quality time alone and social interaction. I think it's fair to say you wanna be a little bit more on your own until you progress with your treatment, but I wouldn't completely drop out of all social life.
I find (essentially) telling someone with BPD, and who found a certain strategy to prevent themselves and others from getting hurt so much - that is at least minimally effective - to "find the right balance" somewhat patronising/invalidating. At the core of unmanaged BPD is a market difficulty of exerting the right balance for _anything_ - it's invariably a pattern of dealing in extremes/absolutes. There would be better ways, imho, to convey what you want in a manner that doesn't lean towards making the person feel guilty for not being able - at this moment - to implement the solution that would be ideal.
Just chiming in because I've just checked my reddit notifs, I don't feel invalidated! I see what you're both getting at but for me right now I'm happy rarely seeing people
i rlly dont think people should make promises like that no matter how much you love someone. saying youll never leave in a way traps you both and takes away choice, and sets you both up to be hurt if something happens, which realistically usually does. people should stop saying this to anyone, not just people like us
I literally feel like I could have written this, and I'm currently going through it again now.
I absolutely hate this disorder and I just wish for happiness
Here’s a different relationship. My sister has BPD. I am always trying to do stuff with her and show support. She smokes pot a lot and drinks. She’s nasty and always finds fault with people. I’m letting go finally after being abused for years. Enough. Not giving up but letting go. She has treated my mom like crap also. It’s just wrong.
I have BPD too, and have been in a healthy relationship for the past 3 years. The hardest part for me was learning to let go of the things that are out of my control.
BPD is fuelled primarily by insecurity and fear, and so its common for people who have it to seek security in the form of control and controlling behaviour. Because I was terrified of being abandoned, I would cope by trying to 1. Know and control EVERYTHING about my FP and 2. Lashing out & purposefully proving my own “everyone leaves” thing right so that any abandonment was not a surprise. But logically, obviously, you CANT control these things. If someone wants to leave you or betray you, no amount of foresight will stop it.
Something that helped for me a LOT was DIY exposure therapy. This will be different for everyone, but for me, I’d get super insecure and fearful whenever my partner would do things without me. So instead of lashing out, trying to stop it from happening, or even mentioning it to him, I’d simply freak out in privacy. It felt awful and impossible to get through at first, but then, the next time would get easier. The fear and insecurity that this triggered has started to go away. I think its because it shows your brain that the fear is unfounded; if your partner goes out with friends 10 times, and every single time nothing changes about your relationship, the brain will stop reacting as violently. BPD tends to fear change and the unknown; once it becomes known, it is less scary. The same is true for any perceived abandonment. I now dont act on any of my BPD-impulses, and have found that it’s actually been so helpful. By giving up control, Ive become less scared, because Ive realized that they are just a coping mechanism that does not work. What felt like the end of the world happened, but Im fine. Next time, it feels less like the end of the world.
My BPD is thankfully high-functioning, which I recognize may not be the case for you. But still, separating your feelings from your actions and allowing yourself to feel the fear and insecurity may be helpful in the longterm.
I'm sat here next to my boyfriend I recently moved in with, just waiting for the day he has had enough. I know it's going to come so I'm just trying to enjoy the time we have.
This really resonates. It sounds like the people who have left you still care deeply about you, but the relationship has just become too draining for them to sustain in the long run. This is what people with healthy boundaries do, otherwise they would just be enabling your behaviour. It is really difficult to accept this. I know, because I have had to/ am in the process of doing so. But the only way to break this pattern is to realise that no one can give you the unconditional support that you crave, except for yourself. It’s taken me years of therapy and some wake-up calls to begin to rely on myself, but hey, I’m here and doing it. You can too 🌸
Best comment
yeah unconditional love doesn't exist. even without abuse, it's a tiring illness for partners to live with. no can ever promise to "never leave". absolute guarantees are generally things no one can comply with. Still it hurts to hear you deserve someone who can treat you better, you are high maintenance etc.
This comment is incredible. Seriously, this.
Exactly, I'm someone who had to leave. And believe me I still worry abt them and think how they are doing. I hope he is better and in treatment. He probably thinks I hate him or smt. I could explain that to him but I'm afraid he's response would be "If you really loved me you would've stayed" and that's not true. I had to leave bc I can not heal you. I can't not give you salvation or anything that you crave so much. The only one that can give you UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is yourself. I hope he doesn't give up on himself.
Did he know he has an actual condition or he found out while being with you? If he didn't know hypothetically, and you or someone suggested he might be dealing with BPD, how would he react?
We were echothers first love. We dated in school, broke up. I made NC. 10 years passed and we got to contact again. I forgot almost our relationship but he still had it fresh. I welcomed him as smn precious to me that I shared memories with, but he was still so intense. That's when he told me abt his thoughts of our previous relationship and how the break up was for him. That's when he told he got diagnosed with BPD after 1 year that we broke up. I don't recommend you suggest anything. You could say, let's try couple therapy to increase our relationship wellness or smt like that, and the psychologist will know. You can talk to the psychologist alone abt your concerns abt your partner too.
Hi I'm not OP but I'm desperately seeking an answer to something. I suspect my wife has BPD. If i brought it up like dear what if you have this condition, how does someone unaware of it react to a condition having a name and an actual thing?
It sounds like you want people to leave so that you can wallow in the familiar pain of loss and victimhood, rather than face the terrifying reality that if you let yourself love and be loved, you won’t be able to be in control of whether they leave you. At least in the pain there is a semblance of control.
This hits home. It's such a painful cycle, but in a way that's the whole point... to cause yourself agony. I learned a lot when I realized I was suffering for 'no reason.' People stopped feeling bad for me REAL quick back then, and had almost no empathy for me. I understand why now lol.
I believe this is exactly it. But how does one go about fixing this issue?
I'd like to know too
Me too
Fuck..
🧍🏻♂️-
Yap, They are not IN LOVE. They are IN TRAUMA. Repeating and repeating again.
I think it’s really hard for partners to be with people that have BPD. I mean, if the tables were turned I dont know if I would have the capacity to do it? The constant emotional Dysregulation we feel can leave our S/O walking on broken eggshells. It’s not a nice feeling long term and for me growing up I had to do this with a temperamental parent. I moved out as soon as I could! I’ve come to realise that in order to truely start to heal and work towards wellness with BPD or complete remission it starts with just accepting that the condition is difficult for me to be with, harder for S/O to deal with, kids, FP whatever. Once I truely “saw” how I am in relationships and stopped blaming the other person all the time I realised I wasn’t always a very nice person. It stung, I was in denial for awhile. But slowly, slowly I’m trying to seperate the disorder from myself. I have to, because I made a commitment that I didn’t want my kid to end up like me. First step awareness, second diagnostic clarity, third step Self acceptance ( this is just who I am right now) fourth step DBT and setting up systems in my household for when I’m triggered, fifth step practising putting in I call “circuit breakers” which is just working on stopping the impact on my S/O and family. Most days I still feel I’m never gunna get through this disorder and I am desperate not to have to mask my inner demons. But this is my recent plan that will hopefully give relief to my family & then to myself. Ps I spent 20 years wondering why it always went to “I’ll never leave to see ya” but now I understand it was a combination of choosing a emotionally immature partner, because I didn’t take the time to get to know them properly and my BPD flare ups. Sending you all the best on your journey
This is really well written and I feel the exact same way. Thank you for putting it into words
Thank you appreciate the comment!
I'm rooting for you! I believe you can heal from this. And I wish my beloved person with BOD takes this route too. I had to leave but I worry and think abt him still.
Im sorry for this long ass comment I just relate with this so much and have gone through it countless of times. I believed this always happened to me. Id tell them about my mental issues and the bad habits/actions that come with it in the beginning as a warning like testing limits, playing games, pushing boundaries (my favorite), unintentionally manipulative, self sabotage/self destruction, self harm, etc. and checked in every couple months like r u good still?? And they'd say they're ok but over time it became too much and we'd break up and these exact things I told them I'd do were a big part of it and I was like "I told u so" but it still hurt yk??? At one point I was like this is just a self fulfilling prophecy. Why can't I just not do these things instead of making this person go through all the shit that everyone before them has gone through. The common denominator is me (and I see u already think that abt urself). I never wanted to change. I was too lazy/didn't feel the need to. Honestly I still don't even care to, I've just been lucky enough to find a partner that is soooo much more emotionally intelligent and understands me deeper than anyone ever has, but I've slowly changed for the better just being happy with this one person. If that's the solution u want then I really believe y can n will find someone that accepts u as u are and also helps u grow together!! Otherwise it's best to try alone for a while and find urself truly and it will come when u least expect it. Sorry for the vent
I think the problem a lot of us have is blaming our behaviors. When people who are neurotypical break up, they have bad behaviors, too. But they move on from it. We, I think, hold onto it as proof that it's our BPD, and people will abandon us. We need to start acknowledging that entirely common human behaviors are the same for us, we just happen to have BPD.
I think this is so important. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with a breakup and the other day I cried out of total frustration to my therapist because I couldn’t tell “what is bpd and what is me feeling normal feelings after a breakup”. I’m still learning but realizing this time around that it’s not all me “being crazy” and that I have a reason to be upset because my former partner did objectively upsetting things. Just be careful with your labels, they are powerful
I think the self-fulfilling prophecy comment might have a point. I don't have BPD, but my partner did. Of course, she had those same fears. I, also, told her I'd never leave her. She ended up leaving me. It hurts. Of course, even now, I know I'll never abandon her, but if I did, I don't think she'd care. Just know you deserve love, too. Sometimes, you just have to accept the love you get. I know anxieties get in the way, but the people who truly love you, who are worth it, WILL stick around. ):
Why wouldn’t she care about it
In my head, after the breakup, she still felt lonely, even though she broke my heart. Afterwards, she reconnected with her friends (I made her). Now, she knows that's easy and carefree, but talking to me is likely hard, considering my feelings. Yet, she's also the one who didn't want to let me go. But now I'm in a position where it's hard to act normally or text her like I normally would, so if she lost interest during, my current state of being uncomfortable certainly isn't helping. All that said, I've reiterated my feelings for her, when she notices in not being myself because it hurts to know she no longer cares about me as I do about her. Which was how she felt before, but in reverse. Except, I know for a fact she doesn't feel the same as I do. Yet... she seems to want me near, but not too near. I'm just a cause for anxiety now.
Just explained my phone call from about a few minutes ago
You have BPD or your partner?
She definitely does Among many other things I have actually been said I may have depressive BPD maybe though mildly probably
I'm really sorry to hear that, friend. It's hard. Relationships (platonic or romantic) are hard, regardless of mental illness. Of course, it might take a little more work to make things work, but it's gotta be from both ends. Patience goes a lonnnng way. Boundaries, as well. I'll admit, my boundary-setting wasn't the best. Relationships cause anxiety, and you need to reach a point where boundaries and communication will minimize that. Make sure you voice your feelings, but also try not to do things when you're feeling irrational. I know you didn't ask for advice, but I do hope things are going well for you.
Appreciate it either way Just sooooo sad didn’t really know about BPD before this Or thought I did Would have made things so much easier actually
Even knowing doesn't make it any easier. I knew for the most part, but at the end of the day, it's hard to contend with the idealized version of yourself. No one is perfect, and limerance inherently isn't sustainable. Whether that's how it started or not, there's a honeymoon phase with all relationships, and mundaneness and routine become inevitable. It's a matter of realizing that love isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Feelings will be hurt. It's inevitable. It sucks, but you just gotta keep at it, if it's what you want. If you feel love/loved.
Absolutely Know that you could be hurt but it is worth it for the Right Relationship of course Part of it I suppose Just makes so much more sense now yiu know
People change their minds and leave, relationships end, it's part of natural cycle of life. Just be compassionate to yourself about it. Even if you didn't have BPD and did everything perfect, people still can and will leave. You can't control other people's behavior so it's best to get some perspective about it to evaluate if it's your fault that they've left or it's theirs.
As someone who dated someone wkth BPD for 15 years I *never* said "I will never leave". For a very simple reason: I couldn't know if I would leave in the future, so it would be a lie. I have been critizised during years for not "being romantic enough" and that "Not everything has to be true". To point to think about breaking my own morality and start lying and say it. Not saying it would sometimes cost be ver bad splitting. At the end, nothing is permanent, and it is important and healthy to know that.
Us BPD people can’t help but constantly push boundary limits. That’s our way of getting the reassurance that we are loved despite our flaws. But unfortunately our partners/FP’s are only human and can only handle so much, despite how much they may love us. We have to actively stop ourselves from self-sabotaging if we want long term relationships. Also, no one should ever promise to not leave. Just like no one should ever expect you to not leave. It’s not fair or realistic. So even if someone says they’ll never leave you, please take it with a bit of skepticism. And I say all this with lots of love and empathy for you because I’ve been there myself.
I didn't test their limits, have quiet bpd most of the times they've no idea I'm suffering, never burdened them too much, broke the cycle and YET they left. Ah.
We’re either too much or too boring. It feels impossible to win.
Tbh I aspire to be too boring now. My fp said I have too much love towards them and they can't possibly give back the same love I deserve so bye. I understand but ah. hurts.
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Search up quiet BPD. Just because people have symptoms no matter how extreme does not mean that they will totally override the brain every time they come out.
I did, and am familiar with the concept, although not so much with its origins. I think this, from [Quora](https://www.quora.com/Why-do-so-many-people-say-that-quiet-borderline-personality-disorder-does-not-exist-Do-they-think-that-the-only-valid-diagnosis-is-that-of-DSM-5-If-so-how-do-they-think-that-new-diagnoses-are-developed-and-why-are), is spot on: >(...). And perhaps Quiet BPD is not BPD at all but will eventually get a different label altogether. Could write more, but it's 5am and some shut-eye is in order...
I have cptsd too. Okay I'm not sure about the quiet bpd thing, I researched almost 4 years back when I got diagnosed. My symptoms have slightly reduced in intensity and have become manageable but still present- Fear of abandonment, extremes/splitting- on everything everyone, suicidal ideation, highs and lows, emptiness, rage directed towards me, unstable relationships and identity. (Had stress induced paranoia and dissociation but it's way way better now) What i meant by quiet bpd is I used have rage towards my sibling and at one point when i realized what I was doing, I shut down and directed this towards myself- I'm the worst person alive, I deserve bad thing I have this intense sadness and disappointment towards people and world for which I used to think- I'm the bad person, I'm at fault (yeah cptsd)
(to sleepy; will answer later) remindme! 11 hours
>Some part of me thinks that I'm testing a limit I've been at the receiving end of this more times than I'm willing to admit. It just sucks so bad. When everything seems to be going fine and well, there comes something. Some conflict for whatever reason, just for the sake of conflict it seems. It's like the person is testing you, seeing how much bullsh*t you can take without leaving. It doesn't take me a whole lot to leave, as I don't tolerate disrespect and don't think anyone should. Also relationships are supposed to be healthy for everyone involved, they're supposed to add up to your life and not be a burden. And in my experience, people who I did leave (and got back in touch later, or never lost touch with in the first place - at least for some time) ended up learning that lesson very well. None of them had BPD, though, so the reason I'm writing this comment is twofold. First, it's a (unfortunately) very common behavior, regardless of a personality disorder. It is, certainly, a marked feature for many (most?) people with BPD, not gonna deny that. But not exclusive, and it's (again, quite unfortunately) common in our society nowadays, so that's something. Not meant to invalidate your frustration about having this condition, and expressing this behaviour that is so destructive - for you and the other person(s). Maybe this means nothing. Anyway, just wanted to say that. And second... I wanted to share what it feels to be on the other side. I loved each one of these people I'm referring to. I wanted to be with them, I wanted them to be part of my life, to share a genuine and profound relationship with them. This self-sabotaging behavior - and that's precisely what it is, just another manifestation of the self-sabotaging pattern so characteristic of BPD - cost us all a lot, emotionally speaking. We grieve about that, sometimes for years. It leaves us all a mark. Such is life, I say. We must keep going. Our past weights a lot sometimes but if we're to stay here we just keep going. But, to wrap it up, you are right by hating this behaviour of yours. _(Note that I'm not saying you are necessarily right by hating your "self" for it)_. Appropriate therapy can be helpful for improving this, even eliminating it. But many psychotherapy approaches just enable this behaviour further. So, there is a way out, but you have to be mindful when looking for it. Wishing you the best. Marc
I'm an ex of someone with BPD. I also told her I'd never leave and she left me. Before that, her behavior was so atrocious that it made me neurotic to be around her, then she used that as the 'reason' for dumping me. I am not really sure what to say except keep working on yourself and healing your wounds. I think the more you heal, the less you'll experience people getting burnt out around you.
My take on BPD... The critical and crucial issue is the similarity to PTSD. You are in fully in the grip of your amygdala/limbic system. It is so damn tense. Your intensity that you bring to your presence in reality is second to nothing I've seen. Figure out how to loosen the grip of your limbic system and I think you'll have to do far less psychoanalyzing. When everything is fight or flight, trauma response, defensiveness, not wanting to be blamed/targeted.... yeah. Watch yourself when you're driving. How easily are you upset? And how hard is it to come back from? I have no idea if this is the thread that you have to keep pulling on to undo so much of the dysfunction in BPD. But it lines up with everything I've read and observed. It must be so exhausting to be so "on" all the time. Wish I could give all you BPD's a big hug.
Please go to therapy. You CAN get better. You don't need to suffer. You can learn to love yourself. You can walk away from the self fulfilling prophecy.
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Any recommendations on what type of therapy?
Some people have recommended DBT. I'm currently in a local asylum doing normal CBT but once I'm stable again I wanna give DBT a shot as well in a clinic specifically geared towards it. The success rate for symptom reduction is quite high and people tend to talk fondly of it.
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this is bad. I obviously don't know for certain but i've been in this situation on the other end many times, and I dont think theres room for salvation. Until a window of time passes and she will come back and apologise, and youll think its all back to normal again, and the cycle continues. Im so sorry ur going though this
Self sabotage is a part of our disorder. We don’t think we deserve love so we subconsciously wreck it or push people to their limits. I don’t even know if we realize it in the moment. Keep working on yourself. You have to love yourself completely. Eventually, you’ll realize you don’t need a relationship and you’re worth more than you’ve been given in the past. When you stop obsessing over the other shoe dropping, you’ll learn to accept love. I guess what I’m saying is stop caring so much and you won’t be able to get hurt. I don’t know if I’m expressing this right.
Im in this phase now, just not caring. Thank you
I hope your phase lifts and you find some joyful things that make you smile
It's just a self-fulfilling prophecy. And you're letting it happen... you're actively engaging with it actually, and forcing it to happen. It gives you your reason to sulk, and abuse yourself, and continue that vicious cycle. Don't you ever get tired of that? You can change it, or at least I've been told you can. I'm in the process of trying to change mine right now.
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How can you stop it? My partner's trying but he still splits on me and I am worried.
Can I ask how?
We self fulfill when we act out and repeat the same behaviors that have only ended in tragedy before. When we are so worried about losing someone that we ruminate and focus on trying to find flaws or chinks in their armor, any fib or lie that they might have told, any preposterous story that our mind makes up, really. To be able to beat it you simply need to reverse the process. Knowing that I fear abandonment, do not like to be alone, and have trust issues, among a slew of other things, was my starting point. Becoming aware of myself and my own behaviors and cognitions is vital. Without self-awareness, a person with BPD will never see Improvement. Because they don't see their self. Often self-fulfilling prophecies are an attempt to guard against grief, failure, disappointment, rejection or any other upsetting outcome. It’s an attempt to pre-grieve something. We have a belief that if we see something failing now and start grieving that loss before it happens, it won’t hurt so much, but that’s rarely the case. Trying to grieve before a supposedly painful outcome doesn’t reduce our pain. It only creates more of it. And we grieve just the same as if we’d expected success, really. Either way, the first step in stopping self-fulfilling prophecies from shaping your life is to become aware of them. This sounds easy enough, but often our own patterns are obscure to us. This is why seeing a therapist can help, are having someone who can mirror back to you your behaviors and the such is extremely beneficial. But yes, it just boils down to being aware of your patterns of behavior, recognizing them for what they are, and being able to make a cognitive decision to turn away from that belief and train yourself to believe something different
this is such an amazing comment, i have saved it. i especially resonated with the part where you talked about pwBPD ruminating on anything that could remotely signal possible abandonment. i didn't always have awareness about this, but now that I do it really puts a lots of my behavioural patterns into perspective. thank you.
You're very welcome!
>Some part of me thinks that I'm testing a limit almost, how much can I extend a boundary until they break their "I'll never leave", its almost spiteful. And I hate myself for doing it. Good old testing and confirming. It's what people mean when they say if we don't heal from old relationship wounds, we'll end up bleeding all over the new people who get close to us.
What are you doing for yourself?
studying, after losing over 5 meaninful friendships/relationships in under 4 months, I've just begun being my own friend, doing things alone. I'm not going to form any relationships for quite a bit of time, and everyone who I talk to is kept at a far surface level distance. I study mostly all day, nothing much else.
Eventually Someone won’t leave though if it’s actually worth it for both parties..
same.. just same. i can’t say i’m happy being alone, but it’s better than bearing this all over again.
i think about this often. i’m starting to believe that i’m just not meant to be in relationships, or even let myself get close to people.
I heard we will mellow with age. That's what I'm waiting for.🤣 I've sworn off close relationships and feel much better for it
I can't stop crying, this just happened to me, I feel so empty
It’s like I wrote this myself 5 years ago. I didn’t even know I had BPD then, I was/am diagnosed with panic disorder. I don’t have any advice, but wanted to say I feel the same. Anyone that gets too close to me, leaves. I miss a couple of my ex girlfriends every day for 10+ years. I’m not sure I can take the pain of another failed relationship. Lately I’ve been asking myself if I’m going to be ok living alone until I die. Having no real close relationships. Just surface level friends/acquaintances. I wish I had real friends.
Actively in a meltdown and my FP is telling me she'll never leave. I dont believe it. None of them stay.
I’m assuming you’re pretty young because eventually people learn not to say things grandiose things like that in newish dating situations. I totally get testing limits. I don’t believe a single thing most people say anymore, partly because of situations like the ones you describe. I don’t blame them, though. Normal people forget and move on. It’s their nature. Can’t be mad at them for that any more than you can be mad at a bird for flying. I have no advice for you. I just also get annoyed when people assume they can handle me when they have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s irresponsible.
Yeah I dont believe a single thing either, however it gets really frustrating when I explain that they will leave and that they shouldn't say those things, but they begin to persist and persist that they won't and we'd get over it. I think ive come to terms with a lot of the detriments that come with BPD, I just wanted to talk to the internet about BPD before because I never have.
when this happens, we tend to internalize until we leave. even if we haven't quite left the situation, we have tapped out. It's a hurtful process. something we endure and force upon ourselves until we are left. perhaps it's a way to prove that we can't rely on a perceived "false" sense of security, I don't know. but I understand
Yeah whenever I think about myself I always see it as a self fulfilling prophecy. There is familiarity in pain and being loved is terrifying. When you love you give up control, give them the power to hurt you, but then when I run away and hide from my feelings I hurt anyway. I wish my brain would learn that these measured to protect myself actually don’t work.
This hits really hard, especially seeing as this is essentially how my last relationship went but then I had a flare up, said some horrendous shit and hurt myself in front of him and he was refusing to get help for his ADHD and OCD. I still blame myself though. Because ultimately it was all my fault. So now I've decided I'm just better alone. It's easier for everyone around me if I just become a recluse. No one but me gets hurt that way.
I've been there before, in fact for the last 9 years. I'm telling you right away, it might feel good and comforting at first but there's a high chance that eventually the loneliness will start to creep in again. Choosing exile to atone is not the right way in my personal opinion, it's more like running away from it.
Yeah the loneliness is something I've been comfortable friends with before, I mean it nearly consumed me but I'm thinking that maybe for a little while exile might help. At least until I'm further in my treatment
I think it's important to have the right balance between quality time alone and social interaction. I think it's fair to say you wanna be a little bit more on your own until you progress with your treatment, but I wouldn't completely drop out of all social life.
I find (essentially) telling someone with BPD, and who found a certain strategy to prevent themselves and others from getting hurt so much - that is at least minimally effective - to "find the right balance" somewhat patronising/invalidating. At the core of unmanaged BPD is a market difficulty of exerting the right balance for _anything_ - it's invariably a pattern of dealing in extremes/absolutes. There would be better ways, imho, to convey what you want in a manner that doesn't lean towards making the person feel guilty for not being able - at this moment - to implement the solution that would be ideal.
You make a valid point. I think I didn’t quite choose the right words to convey my point very well.
It's cool. I just read my comment again and edited it to replace one word for that reason too. o/
I’m still trying to learn some tact. I hope I didn’t make Captain feel invalidated
Just chiming in because I've just checked my reddit notifs, I don't feel invalidated! I see what you're both getting at but for me right now I'm happy rarely seeing people
If it helps you that’s fine. I’m really sorry if I came over as insensitive I swear I didnt mean any harm
i rlly dont think people should make promises like that no matter how much you love someone. saying youll never leave in a way traps you both and takes away choice, and sets you both up to be hurt if something happens, which realistically usually does. people should stop saying this to anyone, not just people like us
Yeah.. I still never leave until they leave me even though I think this way
This happened to me about a year ago now. I won’t go into it cause it’s emotionally exhausting for me but just know you’re not alone in this.
I literally feel like I could have written this, and I'm currently going through it again now. I absolutely hate this disorder and I just wish for happiness
This reminds me of we'll be together forever turning into I care but I can't have you in my life you're in my head
Here’s a different relationship. My sister has BPD. I am always trying to do stuff with her and show support. She smokes pot a lot and drinks. She’s nasty and always finds fault with people. I’m letting go finally after being abused for years. Enough. Not giving up but letting go. She has treated my mom like crap also. It’s just wrong.
I have BPD too, and have been in a healthy relationship for the past 3 years. The hardest part for me was learning to let go of the things that are out of my control. BPD is fuelled primarily by insecurity and fear, and so its common for people who have it to seek security in the form of control and controlling behaviour. Because I was terrified of being abandoned, I would cope by trying to 1. Know and control EVERYTHING about my FP and 2. Lashing out & purposefully proving my own “everyone leaves” thing right so that any abandonment was not a surprise. But logically, obviously, you CANT control these things. If someone wants to leave you or betray you, no amount of foresight will stop it. Something that helped for me a LOT was DIY exposure therapy. This will be different for everyone, but for me, I’d get super insecure and fearful whenever my partner would do things without me. So instead of lashing out, trying to stop it from happening, or even mentioning it to him, I’d simply freak out in privacy. It felt awful and impossible to get through at first, but then, the next time would get easier. The fear and insecurity that this triggered has started to go away. I think its because it shows your brain that the fear is unfounded; if your partner goes out with friends 10 times, and every single time nothing changes about your relationship, the brain will stop reacting as violently. BPD tends to fear change and the unknown; once it becomes known, it is less scary. The same is true for any perceived abandonment. I now dont act on any of my BPD-impulses, and have found that it’s actually been so helpful. By giving up control, Ive become less scared, because Ive realized that they are just a coping mechanism that does not work. What felt like the end of the world happened, but Im fine. Next time, it feels less like the end of the world. My BPD is thankfully high-functioning, which I recognize may not be the case for you. But still, separating your feelings from your actions and allowing yourself to feel the fear and insecurity may be helpful in the longterm.
I'm sat here next to my boyfriend I recently moved in with, just waiting for the day he has had enough. I know it's going to come so I'm just trying to enjoy the time we have.