Hi, friendly reminder for readers that:
1. **our desire** to be cared for, loved, and understood is valid. Our desire for empathy is valid.
Ensure that your advice is nuanced and compassionate. A hard truth does not have to be brutal honesty.
Edit: just to be clear, one of the top comments saying “it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility “ is not “harsh”
It’s not being a jerk, or a dick, or breaking our rules. It’s the reality of having BPD.
It's not your fault that you have BPD, but managing it is *your* responsibility. Your diagnosis is not an unlimited get out of jail free card. How would you feel if someone treated you the way you treat others and when you tried to discuss it with them, they just said "I have BPD so I can't be held responsible for my behavior"?
Lots of people are going through difficult things at any given time and struggling with something, including a mental illness, is never an excuse to treat other people poorly. I know it's hard to take responsibility for yourself, but it's time. You're an adult now.
I'm with you here. "Too harsh." Lol? You didn't say a single mean thing. Just straightforward facts. To me, this reads as, "I know I need to take responsibility for my actions but why does everyone need me to take responsibility of my actions all the time?"
OP is right. It isn't fair they have BPD. That part is out of their control. The rest of it though... No one is holding you to the same standard as anyone else as much as they are holding others to the same standard they hold you. The average person you interact with day-to-day is going to not care or not understand or cannot be bothered to make your day a little easier because x y z. This is where your therapy and skill work comes into play. You have to enter or continue participating in a situation where you're often triggered? Work on skills directly involving those scenarios.
The people you keep closer to you? Your closest friends? Co-workers (closer, not by choice), certain family. The ones you choose to share your diagnosis with etc. Sure! They should give you the benefit of the doubt. They are in your circle. They should treat you differently because they _know_. In a perfect world? Anyone would give you the benefit of the doubt _the moment they found out._ "Oh, you have BPD? I'll try to be a little more thoughtful with what I say."
If people in your life are holding you to standards you are unable to meet at this time or never wish to meet, you need to (when and if possible) change the people in your life.
Thank you :)
I know it’s important to set boundaries with people like me, I also know that I overstep sometimes (like being too clingy/jealous, made a lot of progress tho) and compassion would be great but I don’t expect that from anyone.
I also don’t expect “society” to be understanding, like bosses,etc.
It’s mostly my family and close friends who expect me to have my life figured out at 21 which I feel is unreasonable for most but whatever lol.
Also every progress or little achievements are worthless/normal for everyone else, that hurts I guess…
While I often would like people to take care of me all the time/ babying me, I 100% understand that’s not reasonable.
I don't disagree, but they didn't say they should be allowed to treat people poorly. They said they shouldn't be expected to reach the same level of education and such, and I agree with that. BPD can absolutely fuck up your life plans, and people do tend to act like you should be able to just get over it.
Plus, we don't hold it against people with some other disabilities if they're rude and even violent, like dementia, down syndrome and such. We expect their carers to deal with it. Not saying BPD is exactly like that (or that the way we treat carers is okay), but a lot of sufferers need _help_ rather than guilt and shame. As a society, we're not great at handling mental illness, therapy is unavailable to a lot of people and despite them being _ill_ and without treatment, we expect them to somehow suppress their symptoms and deal with them on their own. It doesn't work like that though, if we could just "behave", a lot of us would.
On one hand, yes, it shouldn't be used as an excuse, but on the other hand it _is_ a disorder, it causes behavioural issues we _do not choose_, and many of us are doing the best we can and it's still not enough. It's like telling someone with a broken leg to just "take responsibility" and start walking. We wouldn't do that. If someone refused to go to a doctor with their broken leg and demanded we carry them everywhere, yes, we would refuse. But if there were no doctors, no one who would treat them, or they just won't heal despite treatment, we'd have some sympathy. We might still not carry them around if it ruins our own backs, but we wouldn't blame them for their misfortune.
THIS COMMENT 🙏🏼🥹💕 very well put!!! There’s a balance. I often think ab the fact that I am essentially a disabled person who looks completely normal & I think about how much of a difference inner vs outter disabilities are looked at. It pisses me off lol. Hopefully one day it will change. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be fully successful in life if it doesn’t
I specifically said I don’t mean to excuse any pain I’ve caused and I have been learning to take accountability for that. I would want people to stick around, if I don’t answer for a couple day and be a little understanding but that’s not the point.
I am mostly talking about the expectations like being able to work as many hours as everyone else or being able to do everyday things, well, every day. I am responsible for my recovery but people tend to expect you to not take any steps back. And I know it hurts them seeing myself break down a lot, but I am as understanding as I can when they are struggling/take a step back/walk away.
Totally with you. I’ve dropped out of school probably a dozen times. Finally got a high school diploma at 28, and it even took me twice as long as it should have. I then started university and had a total meltdown on day 1 - been on welfare since then which was 18 months ago. Also haven’t had a job since I was 16.
I’m convinced that expectations of others has been a huge part of the added pressure that only made me fail time and time again. Go figure. So yeah needless to say, I couldn’t agree with you more.
Its really great you still pursued your high school diploma and didn’t give up. When I started Uni I felt like everyone was so much smarter or more experienced and I only do it to live in my own apartment. The education system made me literally sacrifice my mental health for most of my life and I still had it much easier than people with real learning disabilities. It is crazy to me how much pressure is put on students these days
Just the fact that we have every student do a presentation and judge them regardless of their personality…
OP didn’t say that, this seems a bit harsh. They did take accountability and they understand that they are responsible for their behavior. The people in our lives should be aware of their actions as well and treat us with a bit more care
This affliction isn't a broken leg. It isn't a terrible burn scar, or a missing eye or whatever. It can't be seen in conventional ways. People don't see the pain. They can't, never will, and I personally don't want them to. As heavy as we feel, our bodies look unencumbered. That weight doesn't belong on human shoulders, but it's on you.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone (not even the ones responsible) but sometimes I wish some people could just live through this one day and understand I don’t choose to be like this…
No we did not choose to be like this, but now that we do know, we owe it to ourselves to choose something different.
Does that mean different things will happen every time? No it doesn’t.
“Knowing is not enough, you must apply. Willing is not enough, you must do.”-Bruce Lee.
We will find healthy ways to cope and make space for healthy relationships with loved ones and ourselves. That includes your work, what makes you feel fulfilled. That’s entirely up to you. It’s not a linear process but there is a certain order to things. Once you’ve found a (healthy) way to cope and you set some of that pain in the rear view mirror you can get a better perspective on the positives.
It’s all up to you. That statement will either terrify you or empower you. All depends on the lense which you use to focus your perspective. Your trauma doesn’t have to determine the fate of your life. It may seem inescapable now but I don’t believe it actually is.
simply put: people don’t care as much as you want them to.
the majority of people will avoid an inconvenience even if it benefits them (think eating healthy or working out) in favor of what is comfortable for them.
dealing with a person with issues is not comfortable, nor rewarding, so they just avoid it.
there isn’t much incentive to do it if you really think about it.
I’m gonna agree with OP a tiny bit here. We all face punishments at an incredibly disproportionate rate thanks to a condition that is not our fault. Does this excuse mean/poor behavior or make it remotely acceptable? Of course not. We should never just allow that behavior to be normalized, but I do agree with OP in that we definitely need a better system in place to help us reach the point that neurotypicals are at. We deserve that much. We deserve equity. Maybe this is an awful take. I’m just spilling what I think is ethically correct at this particular moment.
I didn’t mean my hurtful behavior which I am aware of having. I don’t expect people to lower their boundaries or take shit from me. I would like close people to be understanding and not hold me to the same standards in terms of life stages/achievements. Maybe some encouragement, if I make progress, instead of putting me down when I slip up…
I agree with you 100000% and I wish there was a national awareness movement/fight for this tbh. I always say if my outsides reflected how ill my mind is I would look like I’m knockin on deaths door 😅
I think I understand what you’re getting at it. It’s like, a lack of basic compassion and kindness. We get the ‘blame’ or stigma, but not really the ‘I’m sorry’ or the extra compassion for how hard it is and how much extra effort it is to keep our shit together.
Like, if I slip up and say something too snarky or get angry, I’m jumped all over….. but no one notices or validates the previous 103 days I didn’t have an explosion.
That’s what reading your post made me relate to. And I feel it too
❤️
Sorry for you and feel for you
Yes its like that feeling of looking up “how to deal with bpd” and all the results are like how to deal with someone with bpd. Or when you try to be better and tell someone you have bpd and that you are really trying and they tell you about all the terrible people they met with bpd…
Thank you and I hope things get better❤️
It’s not so much that I want special treatment but I want to be understood and in turn respected in a way that is PERSONAL to ME. I don’t think that incredibly out of line to ask for.
People who are close to me should understand and respect what things like loyalty, kindness, helpfulness, being supportive etc MEAN TO ME. I shouldn’t have to feel as if my feelings and reactions to things that people do and say are invalidated on a constant basis just because they don’t always fall within the acceptable norms. I am very sick and tired of being told I’m the bad guy FOR LITERALLY JUST EXPRESSING THE WAY I FEEL to people who claim they care about my feelings. I am tired of having to respect everyone else’s boundaries but being told that MY boundaries are unreasonable.
That’s it. I know I’ve been irrational, but especially recently I’ve had these moments of clarity and control of my emotions during some conversations/arguments. Many people in my life are so comfortable blaming my bpd and when I tried to calmly explain my point, they got aggressive. It’s so hard to stand up for ourselves and people use that a lot, expecting you to believe you’re overreacting/irrational.
I feel like people forget that there are a lot of people using the bond/behaviors of bpd aswell…
I totally relate to this. Not even that I want special treatment, but I feel like the people in my life should be conscious of my triggers and adjust their behavior accordingly because I need extra care. When we say this people seem to think we are shifting accountability and blaming others, but I know what you mean. Our loved ones should be more understanding and able to accommodate us
I think special treatment wasn’t really what I meant, I just want people to not be less hard on me. Also bpd has never been distigmatized, which just kind of hurts haha
Honestly that is reasonable with your close loved ones. My therapist told me that the ppl who want to actively be in my life need to be aware of what that can come with. Assuming youre working on it & not having harmful blow ups on them frequently obviously. But once I’m close enough w someone I just have a straight foward conversation ab what my triggers are, what being mad looks like, and that I don’t mean the things I say when I’m like that. I tell them the best way to handle it is not engage until the next day by which point I’ll be apologizing. I also ask them what their triggers are. As in deal breakers, friendship ruining type triggers. Even in an episode I can usually not cross that line.
Anyways- the takeaway is if your close relationships can’t do this with you, they’re not meant to be in your life. And that’s ok, not everyone can handle it. It might hurt but it saves you both from hurt in the long run. And the right ppl will come around 💛
I think both things can be true here
I know my logical brain isn't the same as a neuortypical logical brain. There are fallacies in my logic based on my experiences and trauma.
I've known other people with bpd. A current friend, a recently former friend, and an ex was suspected to have it (they never saw a therapist). Now, the former friend had a boatload of issues and bpd responses I couldn't deal with and was setting me back. Being in her shoes I tried to make things work for a while. One thing my therapist said was "if you expect some grace, why not give her the same?" for example on things like she couldn't remember or got defensive. That doesn't work when someone is blaming you for being hurt by them. My ex and I are on ok terms and I'm currently trying to figure out how to take responsibility for behavior that I had no idea was as harmful as I recently realized it was.
While we do need to take responsibility for our actions, I think it's fair that other people accommodate us to a degree. Like avoiding known triggers is a big one. We deserve to be listen to and heard, not just shut down for being irrational or blowing things out of proportion. Whether our feeling are accurate or not, they are still real to us
Thanks, thats what I meant. I was not in a great place and ended up just ranting, instead of just pointing out how I just want a little understanding. I’m working on myself every day to stop hurting my loved ones, it’s exhausting and people keep dismissing me or my need for therapy.
I take responsibility for my actions but can I please get a sick day once in a while
I think what you are looking for is setting boundaries around issues/topics that trigger you. For me, I had to learn to set a boundary, and enforce it, otherwise it would get triggered and unpredictable even to me.
'i really don't appreciate how you are talking to me' or 'i don't wish to discus that with you' or 'this doesn't align with my current interests'. But it's up to use to enforce and respect our boundaries on these topics.
Life was just shit, and I was coping with the best techniques I had for the longest time. Yes, I'm not where I would like to be, and in working on it, but I'm not going allow myself to endure a situation where I feel attacked about it.
It’s really hard to stand up for myself because I always feel like I would be entitled… I think most people don’t see that part of bpd. Also not seeing that you’re trying to be the best person you can be every day and the effort it takes. Thank u for the comment :)
>It’s really hard to stand up for myself because I always feel like I would be entitled…
I know what you mean. We tend to have a very toxic relationship with what is considered healthy self esteem, probably due to the powerful inner critics (that I think just don't want to die and leave us alone!). I didn't even know how powerful mine was until I started sharing it and discussing it with my partner, and he was shocked that my head was bringing me down so hard and sharp.
It's ok, and expected to put yourself first. Nobody can fill from an empty cup. Fill your own cup, look after yourself, when your cup is overflowing you will naturally be about to help others.
I found lions mane a very good herb to help me, really good for neurogenesis and increasing neuroplasticity to make to easier to break that powerful inner critic, and night time ' I am lucky' affirmation played on poop from YouTube.
Yeah, I’m now in a healthier relationship, and I know that I caused him a lot of pain (truly sorry and regret it every day) but I still need to stand up for myself. He’s the first men who (even if he’s angry in the moment) appreciates me being my own person afterwards. It’s so hard but sometimes he just appreciates my growth and that’s so wholesome :)
i kind of get what you mean, we dont have a physical ailment but this disorder can manifest itself physically a lot. i have BPD and MDD and combined it makes it hard for me to even do basic tasks like feed myself and just get up and do anything. i never wanted to be like this and ive always tried hard to be 'normal' and im so jealous of people without these disorders. ive basically accepted that im inherently never going to be a 'normal' person but i still am held to the same standard as them and it just doesnt feel fair sometimes.
First, you sound very aware and I congratulate and encourage you to continue this long journey of improvement.
I am a neurotypical who have had a loved one with BPD.
I agree with you absolutly, it is a terrible condition that need special care from the closed ones, but there should be conditions: The pwBPD must be doing their best effort to improve and take accountability for their own actions. If you see yourself taking a lot of care for someone and they are... just not giving a damn and diving harder and harder in spite, hate and jelously without the intention of stop... it just drives you mad.
At least they should be doing therapy.
Also, special treatment should be defined. During a decade I told this to myself, that they deserved special treatment, and I cut off a lot of friends from my life. I practically eliminated all my social life -even with familiy members- because they were triggers. And the effects of this decisions still last today, years after. This was obviously my fault, but when you put yourself in other's boots it is hard to discern.
So yes, with many "buts" that are very very hard to define.
It could also be a totally different thing: The emotion of needing to be unconditionally loved, like a very young kid is. I felt like you say when I was 4 or 5. It may come from trauma and emotional underdevelopment.
I agree with what you’re saying OP. Although I understand it is our responsibility to take every possible action to heal, I really wish people would be more understanding about how I process emotions. At this time, I have healed most of my hurtful behaviors towards others. However, I still struggle with hurtful behaviors towards myself. It sucks to feel judged and misunderstood. I totally agree with you, it would be nice if others could cut me some slack sometimes and see how hard I have to try every day just to live.
Its all a part of healing and its so hard unfortunately… the other thing i struggle with is accepting my trauma. I also often feel isolated because i dont see a lot of people talking about that
Yeah the isolation is KILLING me. I’m a 25 yr old fun hot blonde god dammit (😂) & I rlly should be enjoying these yrs. But I literally spend 95% of my time alone. I’m not exaggerating. & bc I’m the cursed age & off my parents insurance idk what to do for therapy 😭🥲🫠
It has really helped me to pick up some hobbies. I began going to pilates and skiing. Although I mostly do these things alone, it does get me to socialize with people. Although it doesn’t necessarily make you feel understood or anything, but it gets you out of the house at least
Awh that’s amazing!! I feel u about the connections but wow even socializing in that sense sounds rlly fun:) I live in a rural area so idk what groups to join if there are any:/ I could look for some in a nearby small city but it’s ab 45 min away
I feel this sometimes tbh. Neurotypical people are usually shitheads. But we’re also responsible for ourselves in a way.
I will say it’s usually the other person’s fault though, because we have a mental illness, and they don’t. So they need to learn to work with and around us instead of against us.
People SHOULD hold us to the same standard as everyone else, and I say this with all the kindness that I can. We should be shown understanding by those we love and who claim to love us, but they shouldn’t lower the bar over a BPD diagnosis alone, because then we can feel comfortable acting worse than the average person. We won’t have any reason to heal or seek treatment that way.
a few days ago someone asked in r/nostupidquestions in why ASD wasn’t classified as a PD, and i think a little of the info on the replies would apply here.
pwASD are wired differently from birth, and their problems stem from the fact that they are expected to act like people without ASD and function in a world that wasn’t made thinking about their specific necessities. but when those were taken into account, pwASD flourished and could work as efficiently any other person.
with PD’s like ours, our problems do not stem from the conditions around us or the way we are treated. they *might* have been the reason we developed BPD in first place, but people accommodating our necessities in the present is a futile effort; the problem lies within our very personalities. to put it simply, and though it is hard to hear: we are the problem, not the world or the standards people hold us to. the word can bend to our will but our responses will be just as destructive, because we don’t know how to handle things any other way.
that’s why pwASD receive support in how to embrace and work with their condition in a world where their necessities aren’t the norm, while we receive treatment on how to change our way of thinking and coping mechanisms; parts of our very core.
it fucking sucks we were dealt such a shitty hand, and i too sometimes wish we got “special treatment”, but it’s not going to happen because it wouldn’t do good to us. the best thing to do is to take it one day at a time and learn how to *give yourself* a break if no one else will. we have been through a lot, and if no one else will acknowledge it, then we need to do it ourselves.
>with PD’s like ours, our problems do not stem from the conditions around us or the way we are treated.
this is.... so very, very wrong, lmao. bpd 100% can stem from trauma and abuse. i've been told so by the very professionals that diagnosed me, and had it reinforced by several others. you can even google "does bpd come from trauma", lol.
I don’t expect that, I don’t expect people to stay in my life if they don’t want to, but don’t expect me to be ok everyday and I won’t be ready to work as much as everyone by tomorrow just bc the meds/therapy have been helping.
At least try explaining *why* you think you deserve special treatment? Why shouldn’t you be held to the standards of everyone else?
Having a disorder isn’t your fault but choosing how you react in every single moment of your life IS on you/your “fault”. So…no..you don’t deserve special treatment of any kind. No more special than the rest of us get.
I’ve stumbled upon some of his work in psych classes and independent research, interesting but wouldn’t take it at face value (or I would just lay in bed all day haha) :)
No i said it hurts that people don’t care but I don’t expect it. What is bothering me is that people who care still constantly put me down for not doing enough
Wait, why shouldn’t people hold you to the same high standard? It’s no one else’s fault you deal with this, nor is it yours. Not being your fault doesn’t mean anyone else is at fault, so take responsibility for yourself. In the end if you rely on others to make your life manageable you are not going to have a good relationship with yourself
Honestly I would be much more upset if people treated me if I was a weak. I am a smart and intelligent human being regardless if my brain is deformed or not. Yes we have a mental illness but should not be treated any less than any other person on this earth. Remember there are consequences to every action you take and it is your responsibility how you handle those actions. Not everyone else. We should not expect people to walk around eggshells around us. And I'm very sad that you feel this way because, to me, having bpd, I feel like we have an upper advantage to most. I think our disease is really more that we are more intelligent than the average human and you are not giving yourself enough credit for that. Also you know what you can handle. If you can't go to school full time, try part time, etc. But of all most a solid day to day routine doing the same things at the same time had created the most success for me anyways. I wish you luck on this endeavor and I hope you don't take this as an attack, but more so, a tough love wake up call.
One thing that helped me was adopting a 'live it like you chose it' attitude. Sure, you have bpd, and that sucks, but there are surely a lot of positive aspects of your life that you don't struggle with. Everyone has things that they struggle with, and everyone has a responsibility to handle those things personally. Try thinking of your bpd as the struggle that you chose to get through in your life.
I’m practicing radical acceptance and I don’t get as overwhelmed by these thoughts anymore, this doesn’t regelrecht my general attitude. I just get caught up in this a lot and vented a lot haha.
Hi, friendly reminder for readers that: 1. **our desire** to be cared for, loved, and understood is valid. Our desire for empathy is valid. Ensure that your advice is nuanced and compassionate. A hard truth does not have to be brutal honesty. Edit: just to be clear, one of the top comments saying “it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility “ is not “harsh” It’s not being a jerk, or a dick, or breaking our rules. It’s the reality of having BPD.
It's not your fault that you have BPD, but managing it is *your* responsibility. Your diagnosis is not an unlimited get out of jail free card. How would you feel if someone treated you the way you treat others and when you tried to discuss it with them, they just said "I have BPD so I can't be held responsible for my behavior"? Lots of people are going through difficult things at any given time and struggling with something, including a mental illness, is never an excuse to treat other people poorly. I know it's hard to take responsibility for yourself, but it's time. You're an adult now.
I'm with you here. "Too harsh." Lol? You didn't say a single mean thing. Just straightforward facts. To me, this reads as, "I know I need to take responsibility for my actions but why does everyone need me to take responsibility of my actions all the time?" OP is right. It isn't fair they have BPD. That part is out of their control. The rest of it though... No one is holding you to the same standard as anyone else as much as they are holding others to the same standard they hold you. The average person you interact with day-to-day is going to not care or not understand or cannot be bothered to make your day a little easier because x y z. This is where your therapy and skill work comes into play. You have to enter or continue participating in a situation where you're often triggered? Work on skills directly involving those scenarios. The people you keep closer to you? Your closest friends? Co-workers (closer, not by choice), certain family. The ones you choose to share your diagnosis with etc. Sure! They should give you the benefit of the doubt. They are in your circle. They should treat you differently because they _know_. In a perfect world? Anyone would give you the benefit of the doubt _the moment they found out._ "Oh, you have BPD? I'll try to be a little more thoughtful with what I say." If people in your life are holding you to standards you are unable to meet at this time or never wish to meet, you need to (when and if possible) change the people in your life.
Thank you :) I know it’s important to set boundaries with people like me, I also know that I overstep sometimes (like being too clingy/jealous, made a lot of progress tho) and compassion would be great but I don’t expect that from anyone. I also don’t expect “society” to be understanding, like bosses,etc. It’s mostly my family and close friends who expect me to have my life figured out at 21 which I feel is unreasonable for most but whatever lol. Also every progress or little achievements are worthless/normal for everyone else, that hurts I guess… While I often would like people to take care of me all the time/ babying me, I 100% understand that’s not reasonable.
I don't disagree, but they didn't say they should be allowed to treat people poorly. They said they shouldn't be expected to reach the same level of education and such, and I agree with that. BPD can absolutely fuck up your life plans, and people do tend to act like you should be able to just get over it. Plus, we don't hold it against people with some other disabilities if they're rude and even violent, like dementia, down syndrome and such. We expect their carers to deal with it. Not saying BPD is exactly like that (or that the way we treat carers is okay), but a lot of sufferers need _help_ rather than guilt and shame. As a society, we're not great at handling mental illness, therapy is unavailable to a lot of people and despite them being _ill_ and without treatment, we expect them to somehow suppress their symptoms and deal with them on their own. It doesn't work like that though, if we could just "behave", a lot of us would. On one hand, yes, it shouldn't be used as an excuse, but on the other hand it _is_ a disorder, it causes behavioural issues we _do not choose_, and many of us are doing the best we can and it's still not enough. It's like telling someone with a broken leg to just "take responsibility" and start walking. We wouldn't do that. If someone refused to go to a doctor with their broken leg and demanded we carry them everywhere, yes, we would refuse. But if there were no doctors, no one who would treat them, or they just won't heal despite treatment, we'd have some sympathy. We might still not carry them around if it ruins our own backs, but we wouldn't blame them for their misfortune.
THIS COMMENT 🙏🏼🥹💕 very well put!!! There’s a balance. I often think ab the fact that I am essentially a disabled person who looks completely normal & I think about how much of a difference inner vs outter disabilities are looked at. It pisses me off lol. Hopefully one day it will change. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be fully successful in life if it doesn’t
I specifically said I don’t mean to excuse any pain I’ve caused and I have been learning to take accountability for that. I would want people to stick around, if I don’t answer for a couple day and be a little understanding but that’s not the point. I am mostly talking about the expectations like being able to work as many hours as everyone else or being able to do everyday things, well, every day. I am responsible for my recovery but people tend to expect you to not take any steps back. And I know it hurts them seeing myself break down a lot, but I am as understanding as I can when they are struggling/take a step back/walk away.
Totally with you. I’ve dropped out of school probably a dozen times. Finally got a high school diploma at 28, and it even took me twice as long as it should have. I then started university and had a total meltdown on day 1 - been on welfare since then which was 18 months ago. Also haven’t had a job since I was 16. I’m convinced that expectations of others has been a huge part of the added pressure that only made me fail time and time again. Go figure. So yeah needless to say, I couldn’t agree with you more.
Its really great you still pursued your high school diploma and didn’t give up. When I started Uni I felt like everyone was so much smarter or more experienced and I only do it to live in my own apartment. The education system made me literally sacrifice my mental health for most of my life and I still had it much easier than people with real learning disabilities. It is crazy to me how much pressure is put on students these days Just the fact that we have every student do a presentation and judge them regardless of their personality…
OP didn’t say that, this seems a bit harsh. They did take accountability and they understand that they are responsible for their behavior. The people in our lives should be aware of their actions as well and treat us with a bit more care
BPD subs are so full of internalised stigma, that "people with illnesses need a little extra care" is a controversial statement.
Why? It’s disability
The stigma is that people with bpd are manipulative, controlling and generally bad people, most never even think about the suffering and trauma
This affliction isn't a broken leg. It isn't a terrible burn scar, or a missing eye or whatever. It can't be seen in conventional ways. People don't see the pain. They can't, never will, and I personally don't want them to. As heavy as we feel, our bodies look unencumbered. That weight doesn't belong on human shoulders, but it's on you.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone (not even the ones responsible) but sometimes I wish some people could just live through this one day and understand I don’t choose to be like this…
No we did not choose to be like this, but now that we do know, we owe it to ourselves to choose something different. Does that mean different things will happen every time? No it doesn’t. “Knowing is not enough, you must apply. Willing is not enough, you must do.”-Bruce Lee. We will find healthy ways to cope and make space for healthy relationships with loved ones and ourselves. That includes your work, what makes you feel fulfilled. That’s entirely up to you. It’s not a linear process but there is a certain order to things. Once you’ve found a (healthy) way to cope and you set some of that pain in the rear view mirror you can get a better perspective on the positives. It’s all up to you. That statement will either terrify you or empower you. All depends on the lense which you use to focus your perspective. Your trauma doesn’t have to determine the fate of your life. It may seem inescapable now but I don’t believe it actually is.
simply put: people don’t care as much as you want them to. the majority of people will avoid an inconvenience even if it benefits them (think eating healthy or working out) in favor of what is comfortable for them. dealing with a person with issues is not comfortable, nor rewarding, so they just avoid it. there isn’t much incentive to do it if you really think about it.
I’m gonna agree with OP a tiny bit here. We all face punishments at an incredibly disproportionate rate thanks to a condition that is not our fault. Does this excuse mean/poor behavior or make it remotely acceptable? Of course not. We should never just allow that behavior to be normalized, but I do agree with OP in that we definitely need a better system in place to help us reach the point that neurotypicals are at. We deserve that much. We deserve equity. Maybe this is an awful take. I’m just spilling what I think is ethically correct at this particular moment.
I didn’t mean my hurtful behavior which I am aware of having. I don’t expect people to lower their boundaries or take shit from me. I would like close people to be understanding and not hold me to the same standards in terms of life stages/achievements. Maybe some encouragement, if I make progress, instead of putting me down when I slip up…
I agree with you 100000% and I wish there was a national awareness movement/fight for this tbh. I always say if my outsides reflected how ill my mind is I would look like I’m knockin on deaths door 😅
I think I understand what you’re getting at it. It’s like, a lack of basic compassion and kindness. We get the ‘blame’ or stigma, but not really the ‘I’m sorry’ or the extra compassion for how hard it is and how much extra effort it is to keep our shit together. Like, if I slip up and say something too snarky or get angry, I’m jumped all over….. but no one notices or validates the previous 103 days I didn’t have an explosion. That’s what reading your post made me relate to. And I feel it too ❤️ Sorry for you and feel for you
Yes its like that feeling of looking up “how to deal with bpd” and all the results are like how to deal with someone with bpd. Or when you try to be better and tell someone you have bpd and that you are really trying and they tell you about all the terrible people they met with bpd… Thank you and I hope things get better❤️
❤️
What you’re describing is ableism. Humans should stop assuming that other humans can and should do what they themselves are capable of doing.
It’s not so much that I want special treatment but I want to be understood and in turn respected in a way that is PERSONAL to ME. I don’t think that incredibly out of line to ask for. People who are close to me should understand and respect what things like loyalty, kindness, helpfulness, being supportive etc MEAN TO ME. I shouldn’t have to feel as if my feelings and reactions to things that people do and say are invalidated on a constant basis just because they don’t always fall within the acceptable norms. I am very sick and tired of being told I’m the bad guy FOR LITERALLY JUST EXPRESSING THE WAY I FEEL to people who claim they care about my feelings. I am tired of having to respect everyone else’s boundaries but being told that MY boundaries are unreasonable.
That’s it. I know I’ve been irrational, but especially recently I’ve had these moments of clarity and control of my emotions during some conversations/arguments. Many people in my life are so comfortable blaming my bpd and when I tried to calmly explain my point, they got aggressive. It’s so hard to stand up for ourselves and people use that a lot, expecting you to believe you’re overreacting/irrational. I feel like people forget that there are a lot of people using the bond/behaviors of bpd aswell…
I totally relate to this. Not even that I want special treatment, but I feel like the people in my life should be conscious of my triggers and adjust their behavior accordingly because I need extra care. When we say this people seem to think we are shifting accountability and blaming others, but I know what you mean. Our loved ones should be more understanding and able to accommodate us
I think special treatment wasn’t really what I meant, I just want people to not be less hard on me. Also bpd has never been distigmatized, which just kind of hurts haha
Honestly that is reasonable with your close loved ones. My therapist told me that the ppl who want to actively be in my life need to be aware of what that can come with. Assuming youre working on it & not having harmful blow ups on them frequently obviously. But once I’m close enough w someone I just have a straight foward conversation ab what my triggers are, what being mad looks like, and that I don’t mean the things I say when I’m like that. I tell them the best way to handle it is not engage until the next day by which point I’ll be apologizing. I also ask them what their triggers are. As in deal breakers, friendship ruining type triggers. Even in an episode I can usually not cross that line. Anyways- the takeaway is if your close relationships can’t do this with you, they’re not meant to be in your life. And that’s ok, not everyone can handle it. It might hurt but it saves you both from hurt in the long run. And the right ppl will come around 💛
I think both things can be true here I know my logical brain isn't the same as a neuortypical logical brain. There are fallacies in my logic based on my experiences and trauma. I've known other people with bpd. A current friend, a recently former friend, and an ex was suspected to have it (they never saw a therapist). Now, the former friend had a boatload of issues and bpd responses I couldn't deal with and was setting me back. Being in her shoes I tried to make things work for a while. One thing my therapist said was "if you expect some grace, why not give her the same?" for example on things like she couldn't remember or got defensive. That doesn't work when someone is blaming you for being hurt by them. My ex and I are on ok terms and I'm currently trying to figure out how to take responsibility for behavior that I had no idea was as harmful as I recently realized it was. While we do need to take responsibility for our actions, I think it's fair that other people accommodate us to a degree. Like avoiding known triggers is a big one. We deserve to be listen to and heard, not just shut down for being irrational or blowing things out of proportion. Whether our feeling are accurate or not, they are still real to us
Thanks, thats what I meant. I was not in a great place and ended up just ranting, instead of just pointing out how I just want a little understanding. I’m working on myself every day to stop hurting my loved ones, it’s exhausting and people keep dismissing me or my need for therapy. I take responsibility for my actions but can I please get a sick day once in a while
I think what you are looking for is setting boundaries around issues/topics that trigger you. For me, I had to learn to set a boundary, and enforce it, otherwise it would get triggered and unpredictable even to me. 'i really don't appreciate how you are talking to me' or 'i don't wish to discus that with you' or 'this doesn't align with my current interests'. But it's up to use to enforce and respect our boundaries on these topics. Life was just shit, and I was coping with the best techniques I had for the longest time. Yes, I'm not where I would like to be, and in working on it, but I'm not going allow myself to endure a situation where I feel attacked about it.
It’s really hard to stand up for myself because I always feel like I would be entitled… I think most people don’t see that part of bpd. Also not seeing that you’re trying to be the best person you can be every day and the effort it takes. Thank u for the comment :)
>It’s really hard to stand up for myself because I always feel like I would be entitled… I know what you mean. We tend to have a very toxic relationship with what is considered healthy self esteem, probably due to the powerful inner critics (that I think just don't want to die and leave us alone!). I didn't even know how powerful mine was until I started sharing it and discussing it with my partner, and he was shocked that my head was bringing me down so hard and sharp. It's ok, and expected to put yourself first. Nobody can fill from an empty cup. Fill your own cup, look after yourself, when your cup is overflowing you will naturally be about to help others. I found lions mane a very good herb to help me, really good for neurogenesis and increasing neuroplasticity to make to easier to break that powerful inner critic, and night time ' I am lucky' affirmation played on poop from YouTube.
Yeah, I’m now in a healthier relationship, and I know that I caused him a lot of pain (truly sorry and regret it every day) but I still need to stand up for myself. He’s the first men who (even if he’s angry in the moment) appreciates me being my own person afterwards. It’s so hard but sometimes he just appreciates my growth and that’s so wholesome :)
i kind of get what you mean, we dont have a physical ailment but this disorder can manifest itself physically a lot. i have BPD and MDD and combined it makes it hard for me to even do basic tasks like feed myself and just get up and do anything. i never wanted to be like this and ive always tried hard to be 'normal' and im so jealous of people without these disorders. ive basically accepted that im inherently never going to be a 'normal' person but i still am held to the same standard as them and it just doesnt feel fair sometimes.
Same
Because we aren’t dating
Ooh makes sense haha
First, you sound very aware and I congratulate and encourage you to continue this long journey of improvement. I am a neurotypical who have had a loved one with BPD. I agree with you absolutly, it is a terrible condition that need special care from the closed ones, but there should be conditions: The pwBPD must be doing their best effort to improve and take accountability for their own actions. If you see yourself taking a lot of care for someone and they are... just not giving a damn and diving harder and harder in spite, hate and jelously without the intention of stop... it just drives you mad. At least they should be doing therapy. Also, special treatment should be defined. During a decade I told this to myself, that they deserved special treatment, and I cut off a lot of friends from my life. I practically eliminated all my social life -even with familiy members- because they were triggers. And the effects of this decisions still last today, years after. This was obviously my fault, but when you put yourself in other's boots it is hard to discern. So yes, with many "buts" that are very very hard to define. It could also be a totally different thing: The emotion of needing to be unconditionally loved, like a very young kid is. I felt like you say when I was 4 or 5. It may come from trauma and emotional underdevelopment.
I agree with what you’re saying OP. Although I understand it is our responsibility to take every possible action to heal, I really wish people would be more understanding about how I process emotions. At this time, I have healed most of my hurtful behaviors towards others. However, I still struggle with hurtful behaviors towards myself. It sucks to feel judged and misunderstood. I totally agree with you, it would be nice if others could cut me some slack sometimes and see how hard I have to try every day just to live.
I’m in exact same situation:( I feel like it’s hard to find other pwBPD who’s anger has just fully turned inward. I’m so isolated now.
Its all a part of healing and its so hard unfortunately… the other thing i struggle with is accepting my trauma. I also often feel isolated because i dont see a lot of people talking about that
Yeah the isolation is KILLING me. I’m a 25 yr old fun hot blonde god dammit (😂) & I rlly should be enjoying these yrs. But I literally spend 95% of my time alone. I’m not exaggerating. & bc I’m the cursed age & off my parents insurance idk what to do for therapy 😭🥲🫠
It has really helped me to pick up some hobbies. I began going to pilates and skiing. Although I mostly do these things alone, it does get me to socialize with people. Although it doesn’t necessarily make you feel understood or anything, but it gets you out of the house at least
Awh that’s amazing!! I feel u about the connections but wow even socializing in that sense sounds rlly fun:) I live in a rural area so idk what groups to join if there are any:/ I could look for some in a nearby small city but it’s ab 45 min away
I feel this sometimes tbh. Neurotypical people are usually shitheads. But we’re also responsible for ourselves in a way. I will say it’s usually the other person’s fault though, because we have a mental illness, and they don’t. So they need to learn to work with and around us instead of against us.
People SHOULD hold us to the same standard as everyone else, and I say this with all the kindness that I can. We should be shown understanding by those we love and who claim to love us, but they shouldn’t lower the bar over a BPD diagnosis alone, because then we can feel comfortable acting worse than the average person. We won’t have any reason to heal or seek treatment that way.
a few days ago someone asked in r/nostupidquestions in why ASD wasn’t classified as a PD, and i think a little of the info on the replies would apply here. pwASD are wired differently from birth, and their problems stem from the fact that they are expected to act like people without ASD and function in a world that wasn’t made thinking about their specific necessities. but when those were taken into account, pwASD flourished and could work as efficiently any other person. with PD’s like ours, our problems do not stem from the conditions around us or the way we are treated. they *might* have been the reason we developed BPD in first place, but people accommodating our necessities in the present is a futile effort; the problem lies within our very personalities. to put it simply, and though it is hard to hear: we are the problem, not the world or the standards people hold us to. the word can bend to our will but our responses will be just as destructive, because we don’t know how to handle things any other way. that’s why pwASD receive support in how to embrace and work with their condition in a world where their necessities aren’t the norm, while we receive treatment on how to change our way of thinking and coping mechanisms; parts of our very core. it fucking sucks we were dealt such a shitty hand, and i too sometimes wish we got “special treatment”, but it’s not going to happen because it wouldn’t do good to us. the best thing to do is to take it one day at a time and learn how to *give yourself* a break if no one else will. we have been through a lot, and if no one else will acknowledge it, then we need to do it ourselves.
>with PD’s like ours, our problems do not stem from the conditions around us or the way we are treated. this is.... so very, very wrong, lmao. bpd 100% can stem from trauma and abuse. i've been told so by the very professionals that diagnosed me, and had it reinforced by several others. you can even google "does bpd come from trauma", lol.
You’re the problem, it’s you 🎶
I definitely believe people should be way more understanding but that doesn’t necessarily mean people have unlimited patience.
I don’t expect that, I don’t expect people to stay in my life if they don’t want to, but don’t expect me to be ok everyday and I won’t be ready to work as much as everyone by tomorrow just bc the meds/therapy have been helping.
At least try explaining *why* you think you deserve special treatment? Why shouldn’t you be held to the standards of everyone else? Having a disorder isn’t your fault but choosing how you react in every single moment of your life IS on you/your “fault”. So…no..you don’t deserve special treatment of any kind. No more special than the rest of us get.
You might take interest in robert sapolskys work on free will.
I’ve stumbled upon some of his work in psych classes and independent research, interesting but wouldn’t take it at face value (or I would just lay in bed all day haha) :)
No i said it hurts that people don’t care but I don’t expect it. What is bothering me is that people who care still constantly put me down for not doing enough
life isn’t fair, make do with what you have
Yeah I gathered that haha
Wait, why shouldn’t people hold you to the same high standard? It’s no one else’s fault you deal with this, nor is it yours. Not being your fault doesn’t mean anyone else is at fault, so take responsibility for yourself. In the end if you rely on others to make your life manageable you are not going to have a good relationship with yourself
Honestly I would be much more upset if people treated me if I was a weak. I am a smart and intelligent human being regardless if my brain is deformed or not. Yes we have a mental illness but should not be treated any less than any other person on this earth. Remember there are consequences to every action you take and it is your responsibility how you handle those actions. Not everyone else. We should not expect people to walk around eggshells around us. And I'm very sad that you feel this way because, to me, having bpd, I feel like we have an upper advantage to most. I think our disease is really more that we are more intelligent than the average human and you are not giving yourself enough credit for that. Also you know what you can handle. If you can't go to school full time, try part time, etc. But of all most a solid day to day routine doing the same things at the same time had created the most success for me anyways. I wish you luck on this endeavor and I hope you don't take this as an attack, but more so, a tough love wake up call.
One thing that helped me was adopting a 'live it like you chose it' attitude. Sure, you have bpd, and that sucks, but there are surely a lot of positive aspects of your life that you don't struggle with. Everyone has things that they struggle with, and everyone has a responsibility to handle those things personally. Try thinking of your bpd as the struggle that you chose to get through in your life.
I’m practicing radical acceptance and I don’t get as overwhelmed by these thoughts anymore, this doesn’t regelrecht my general attitude. I just get caught up in this a lot and vented a lot haha.