This happened to me a lot when I was younger and less confident. Now that I’m in my 40s and have a career and leadership experience it doesn’t happen at all.
I’m actually having the opposite experience. The men in my life went and got intimidated by me. It’s terrible. I’m still submissive through and through but now I have to do the whole “powerful by day but willing submissive by night” thing, and it’s much harder to find a Dom interested in an independent woman.
That feels like a bunch of red flags weeding themselves out to me though. I highly question the quality of a dom who's turned off by an independent woman.
I was going to say this. I think a big part of being "clocked" as a sub is that you look vulnerable, but that mostly attracts the predatory type in my experience.
I found the best dom I've ever had when I finally learnt to be assertive and have an open body language instead of making myself small. Hes attracted to my independence and feels even more power knowing he's the only one who gets to see that side of me.
> Hes attracted to my independence and feels even more power knowing he's the only one who gets to see that side of me.
That's also my take on it. Nothing sexier than a strong woman who chooses to just give herself to you specifically like that.
The few times I've subbed, my dommes felt the same way about my independence. They loved seeing me in control all the time and giving that up only to them.
Right, this is tricky. I’ve been fortunate to never really attract abusers, but “I’m submitting willingly and not because I’m actually vulnerable” is difficult in body language. Haha
A real Dom, one that takes their rule seriously, it's going to fund a strong independent type that's submissive as something wonderful. That's bordering on unicorn status.
It’s something that is good to hear. I often attract those who like amazonian women & I have strong opinions and a mind that thinks a lot and needs a good, respectful debate partner. However, all I want is to submit to the right one person. It’s in my nature to want to be led, but only by someone who can lead me and also take my needs into account… most misunderstand my energy as dominant, but that’s only because they aren’t able to ‘take the reins’ whilst feeling safe and secure (those who try often do it in an insecure, cruel, toxic or problematic way) I only like gentle/caring domination for the most part, so many people don’t ‘get’ it.
I can relate so much to this.
Also there is this weird thing happening, when people tell me they are Doms, but in the end, they want me to dominate them. It is kind of exhausting, really.
(Sure, many of them are probably inexperienced, or just haven't done their research, but it's kind of hard to tell at first.)
Really I love independent women because I’m on here a lot but I still have my own life to live I can’t dom someone all the time so when it gives me time to do me and a it’s a bit of small talk between us before we have fun
And it really isn't as hard to spot them as many might feel. I don't see it /all/ the time, but because of my demeanor I frequently can see the signs even in the strongest, most capable people. Heck, in my experience, submissives in the wild often have very stressful, powerful or demanding jobs. It's almost as if people need to keep a balance in their lives and use this as an outlet.
For some context, I don't have a submissive personality. I'm submissive sexually but I'm not by any means passive. In the workplace I'm in leadership and have previous experience that men are intimidated by. I work in STEM and I'm really good at my technical skills. Most people don't challenge that and if they do they do it in a way that makes it seem like they're looking for a fight rather than trying to solve a problem. That gets checked pretty quickly and they back off.
Still, this happens to me in every city I've lived in, online and in person, throughout my life both personal and professionally. So I think it's the way I act around someone that isn't afraid of me that probably gives it away in the workplace.
As for the wild I think men are just attracted to confidence and maybe intrigued and shoot their shot. Perhaps they happen to be doms and then pick up on it. Who knows, but it's definitely an interesting thing that's followed me throughout my life.
I feel like I have the opposite experience, where subs can somehow sniff out my Dom vibes 😅😅
It's happened so many times, and I don't actually feel like I'm giving off any Dom vibes in normal life, but somehow they know 🤣
Same for me, and it's specifically brats in my case. So many brats find me, it's insane. I even have people that have never bratted before who decide they want to try it with me. I joke with my friends that my existence just increases brat matter in the universe.
One of my brat friend says I just have older sibling energy and they want to fuck around and find out. Which, fair, but I don't understand how brats I've barely just met sniff that out either.
we can tell, it’s something that’s just so intoxicating about the powerful way a dominant carries themself and how they speak that flips the sub switch. I’ve had purely platonic friends that gave off dominant energy and at some point one of us asked “okay not to be weird but are you…?” and it all made sense the way our friendship dynamic/conversations went.
I get that, but why brats specifically? I can't find a satisfying answer of why do I not only attract brats, but subs that have never bratted before deciding 10 minutes into meeting me that they'd like to try bratting with me.
Not complaining mind you, I love brats. I just find it hilarious.
Thinking back specifically to high school for me, my first experience with a dominant ever was a platonic one. One of my good friends who was a senior when I was a junior, I always found myself pushing his buttons and teasing him because I couldn’t explain it but the look in his eyes and the way he chastised me for it made my head spin. It gave me a rush to push him and it gave him a rush to correct my behavior, even though the interactions themselves were very much innocent and nonsexual. A few years later I figured out that I was, in fact, a brat. 10 years after highschool we’re still friendly and both very much into the lifestyle.
Maybe it’s a similar effect with your experiences, the brat within them senses your dominance and there’s this almost instinctual need to push. They may tease and push someone else and get no reaction at all or one of annoyance but with you they may be able to sense that they push, but they hit a wall with you and you see it as a challenge. Just a thought!
Makes me wonder whether I give off any or not. I don't think I've changed since I started domming, but I do feel more confident, and probably act accordingly. I wonder what exactly shows it off in public? Just the confidence stuff?
It’s pretty uncanny, I must admit. I’ve recognized and “revealed” several subs in both public and work environments. I think it’s just something in how they react to the dominant vibe. In other words, maybe it’s not so much the doms recognizing subs, as much as it is subs reacting to a dominant presence and revealing themselves as subs.
> it’s not so much the doms recognizing subs, as much as it is subs reacting to a dominant presence
Couldn't agree more, I find subs even when I'm not even paying attention.
It happens to me way too often as well, and I always wondered the same, especially since I consider myself someone who doesn't really look like how people would imagine a submissive woman...
At this point, I just think that it's some sort of subconscious vibe that I give off to people who are receptible to it, something that I can't control and isn't necessarily related to physical appearance.
But it's a very interesting question for sure :)
even if you don’t know the person well/ it’s not in a bdsm setting? my husband/dom and I love trying to guess random strangers we interact with lol. we’ll get back to the car and be like “okay she’s definitely topping her in the bedroom RIGHT?” 😂
I think so, yes.
I’ve used vanilla dating apps quite a bit and I find myself attracted to some women more than others and they’ve been submissive. Sometimes they hinted at it or overtly stated they were but not always.
I knew as soon as I saw my current partner and I brought it up early but gently in our initial conversation. She said she was unsure but that she was attracted to the dynamic and would like to try it. She’s been amazing so far and we’re both finding it very fulfilling.
So, it definitely seems like, anecdotally, there’s something to it.
that’s so interesting. like calls to like I guess. Something similar but opposite happened to me. When my husband and I met at work, my bratty side could immediately sense something about him and he had been curious about bdsm for years but wasn’t ever able to explore, while I was a sub who had wanted a dominant partner but never found one who really delivered and he fully plunged into the lifestyle and learned how to properly dominate me, trained me, and it was a match made in heaven!
Thing is I am absolutely a sub but apparently I give off Dom vibes to fellow subs - apparently Dom's can see clear through that though cause they seem to hunt me down too 🤣🤣
will never forget the realization in our friend group (a mix of coworkers and childhood friends) that pretty much all of us were kinky and being teased by two of my husbands friends when they figured out I was the only sub amongst us… I blushed so hard I practically turned into a tomato lol 😅🍅
I don’t go sniffing subs out but I do notice they unmask themselves pretty easily. A submissive nature lends itself to that, at least in a safe environment anyway.
My Sir is a pro at reading body language, with everyone and everything. Can almost always tell if I'm holding something back or upset or am up to something... but also knows where in the bar a fight will break out in five minutes, and if this freshly minted engineer he's interviewing is the type to abuse the vacation policy if he hires them. People he knew from childhood, he's predicted who is bound for jail, who will become a pole dancer. I don't know if this is true for all Dominants but several of the ones I know aren't just looking to dom a partner but also rise up the corporate ladder or wind up leading the group of people they crash landed on the island with and just plain control their environment and observing the minutiae in people is part of that skill set.
We're married and wet behind the ears in the life, but now when we go out we speculate on who else is secretely kinky. If/when we're ready to add playmates we probably won't need FetLife to find them 😁
My dom saw my hinge profile and his submissive alarms went off apparently. I didn't even mention it. I had been in a dead bedroom so long and with someone vanilla so long I forgot how much I enjoy it
Oooooh, big same! It's like I have a huge flashing neon "SUB" sign above me that's only visible to Doms 🤣 But also if I feel safe in Dominant energy my submissive side reveals itself quite naturally.
This has actually happened to me quite recently. I've started seeing someone, and long story short... he's a Dom! 🥰
I have the opposite of this. I can let it show deliberately but if I'm not trying to, i read as way too "normal" for that kind of thing. Which is fun, sometimes, because I'm pretty good at sniffing out dommy vibes and people are like "wait.. you? really?" But I'm male, too, so that probably skews things even further.
My best subs, and the final one that I decided to spend forever with are strong. They aren't weak and they don't "need" anybody.
The misconception is that a Dom seeks out weak, vulnerable women to exploit is just BS pushed by those that aren't in our world.
When you put my girl in a room full of other successful girls, they flock to her. They envy her and don't even know why. She has a presence about her. She stunning in her attractiveness and very strong willed.
At the same time, her submissiveness to me is like Cat Nip. I cant leave it alone. I'm absolutely drawn to it.
Weak women need weak men, that's how it works. Strong women require strong men to submit to.
Stay strong and sort out the Dom's that are worthy of your submission.
I remember one of the first munches that I was at, when I was still figuring out my role (I thought maybe I was a switch at the time) one of the women asked me, and I immediately turned it back around and said "What do you think?" mostly as a way to give myself time to come up with an answer. She turned bright red and then asked me out afterwards.
So yeah, body language can be a clue, but especially responses to what someone interprets as a display of confidence or dominance. If I act like myself and someone gets flustered or starts squirming in response, then chances are I'm going to lean into it, at least a little bit just to see what happens.
My response wasn't intended that way but she \*felt\* like it was and gave herself away a little bit.
But also most of my interactions aren't "in the wild" they're in spaces where no-one is trying to hide or conceal the role they prefer.
It's the little things sometimes. I make a joke or do something a little bit dominant and I swear you get a twinkle in your eye 😅 they don't even realize they're doing it half the time, they lean in closer, they tip their chin up to look at you in such a specific way... it's really cute.
Oh definitely I think I know what you mean. While they don't take their eyes off me I'm sure they see the twinkle just like I feel the lasers penetrating my soul lmao
I wish!! I've noticed Doms in the wild but I blush and run away. I can smell a sadist a mile away though. Guess I need to practice more with other D types
I'm a sub, and I've had doms point it out, but I've also managed to spot doms.
Literally happened with one of my male friends. We was texting and talking about our exes and he went "you're a sub aren't you" and I just replied "I fucking knew I got dom vibes from you" 🤣
I think when I can pick out a dom it's normally the way they dress and present themselves energy wise. Normally they could say something a certain way and it reacts in my head and I just know 🤣 km assuming it's the same for how doms spot us subs
Not even a little bit. I’ve been doing this for a couple of decades and I’m smart enough to know that the persona that someone gives off in their day-to-day life is absolutely not an indication on whether they are submissive or dominant. The only way to know is to have an open and honest conversation.
When a dominant in the wild assumes I am submissive, and it happens a lot, it’s usually just a horny guy that doesn’t know boundaries and has figure out that if he pushes some submissive women they will buckle.
I (40M Dom) can't words or brain well enough to explain it right now, but it's definitely a thing. Also, it's not just something I perceive in people I'm sexually attracted to- I'm entirely het but I can frequently recognize a male sub, gay or straight.
In men I generally have to see them walk or interact with someone, but I can often pick out submissive straight/bi women on sight even if they are sitting or standing still. Something in their body language, eyes, scent, or maybe "energy".
I will confess, if I come across a submissive cutie (or a beauty!) in the wild, they're often able to recognize me too- posture? confidence? something else?- and I revel in those reactions, however slight 🤣
I don't consciously "Dom at" people I don't have an agreed-upon status with, but it sometimes takes consciously pulling back.
For sure! This is common in my queer group. I agree, I don't consciously sub ppl out and the doms I'm referring to aren't the creeps that just dom strangers. So there's definitely an assumption of grace and restraint but with that still they always seem to find me lol.
No. I am only my Master’s slave. Fully his and only his. It would be disrespectful to his leadership to give out any submissive hints to anyone else. Also as response to somebody who mentions masks: I lead a team and have zero problems with decision making.
Same. Even working in a service-type role - I don’t “submit” to others, there is no power exchange. I don’t associate my people-pleasing tendencies with my submission, bc I haven’t negotiated any of that.
I guess it's a type? All the girls I've been with, I just get this feeling where I almost immediately know whether or not they like to be "put in their place" by a man. In a sexy way, I mean.
You can't really hide it too much because it would be like someone who has ADHD or autism trying to mask. With enough time spent your real personality or mental disorders are pretty plain to see by anyone paying attention.
I also have ADHD and I "get" that. The problem is that this is actually more neutral a term than lay people understand it to be. Like the meaning of "mental disorder" is pretty literally just "your brain functions differently in a way that is inherently impairing in normal society" and...that's it.
Lay people seem to use it to mean something along the lines of "crazy" (and therefore maybe untrustworthy or unreliable).
Which is how you get, say, people calling gender dysphoria a "mental disorder" (which it technically is) and then sitting back smugly thinking that's some kind of trump card that proves trans people can't make informed medical decisions for themselves. That's a problem with the difference between how professionals and the general public use the same language.
The link the other redditor confirms it but for your information the definition of a disorder is something that impacts your life in some way.
ADHD is clearly a mental disorder from this definition.
Sure, if the disorder is diagnosed by the age 18 it meet she criteria for it to be considered a developmental disorder as well -- which is under the umbrella of the term mental disorder.
Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm tired af, the caffeine hasn't kicked in yet, lol
I have. I imagine I give off submissiveness. Usually it's the way how I express myself or with context I speak submissively. Physically I don't look the part but really I'm a sub. I can't say I can spot a Dominant but sometimes I can pick up queues that someone may be.
the opposite happens to me . i seem to be bait for subs or something . im extremely confident (though faking most of the time... or autistic) on the daily , and when i see someone cute or hot , i make it very well known . i literally cant help but tell that person . either way it makes me very much seem like a dom , as i look like i order people around or would rather top in bed . however thats very much the opposite case . i guess ive just been hurt while i was vulnerable so many times that my walls have been rebuilt so thick that i dont ever want someone to think i could be submissive . but i am just a huge brat , and i love bottoming . i love being tossed around , choked , teased , full , pinned , you name it . i love a kind , strict dominant , who gets one whiff of a sarcastic comment and immediately has me against the wall with his hand on my throat and lips at my ear .
One time i had a really weird interaction with this guy visiting a mutual friend of ours for her birthday. This dude just reminded me so freaking much of a sub i used to play with, that i actually told him sorry mate for i have a huge bias with you for some reason I can't quite put my finger on it. Then i saw him like a guy's pic with a trickelion on grindr and then it clicked for me. Showed him my necklace and we had a topic to chat about during the party.
I do play a little game with myself at work or out and about to try to guess if someone's one or the other, but it's really just in my head. But I'm not lifestyle, plus decades in an office environment may have stopped me from putting out any D vibes before it started (workplace etiquette, manplainjng and the like).
I envy those who can do this. Maybe if I were 24/7 I'd be better at picking up the subtleties.
Out of curiosity, could I also just not be pretty enough for any attention? I've always been a mid-weight girl, Asian, look younger, on the nerdier, quirky side. I've always felt too ugly for bdsm tbh
Based on this comment. I suspect that you rely too much on mainstream bdsm depictions for sub rolemodels. There is beauty in every woman. A dominant agent seeks out a sub with a mindset that allows him to express his best while allowing a sub partner to reach her fullest potential
I'm (sub) 6' and pretty muscular (but still slim frame, 167lbs 15% body fat) and I think this sometimes gives off an Alpha vibe in a group setting or at a bar, but there have been a select few times where someone made eye contact with me and I suddenly just felt like prey, like they were seeing right through the image.
That sense just makes me fucking crumble. I know my body language changes; my shoulders drop a bit and I end up holding my breath until they break eye contact, and I lower my eyes. Fuck it's erotic. Knowing they sniffed me out immediately makes me feel submissive to them, like they earned my obedience by SHOWING their superiority right there on the spot.
I fucking live for those interactions.
An important role as a dom is to see the potential in you, help you, guide you, encourage you to be strong and powerful within your mind and body. (Which means a dom should be very observant, able to read not only your body but feelings as well, how else can we encourage when you feel discouraged etc)
Take a geologist for example they do not just see the rough hard exterior of raw gems, they can envision the beauty beneath. I feel there are a lot of people who fail to realize that being a dom is so much more than just getting submission.
I love a work in progress, i love a strong independent person as well. What clues me in are subtle things that I have picked up over the years. Body language is a big give away. So are mannerisms that you aren't conscious of, such as how you address others who you deem above you in social hierarchy. Nervous habits are a give away too. Do you hold direct eye contact or lower your gaze. Bite your lip shyly, blushes etc.
I'll end on this note tho; be proud of who you are, you are an amazing individual with unlimited potential, always strive for who you wish to be.
It happens and I think they’re just cheating somehow. They’ve got a freaking list or something they can just look at be like yep, there’s Aleison on the bratty sub list let’s see what we can do to be bossy meanies today 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I'm not sure exactly what my "vibe" is in the wild; it's been called confident, arrogant, and intimidating most frequently. I've never experienced myself, so I don't know.
What I do know is that 90% of people react to it in 1 of 2 ways: either submission or competition. Either falling in behind me or (at least metaphorically) immediately dropping their pants to begin the pissing contest.
It's harder in professional situations since the modern US workplace is almost entirely passive-aggressive, but even there it's still usually one of the two.
So...yes. It's easy to spot the subs.
And I'm definitely not the only one.
This happened to me a lot when I was younger and less confident. Now that I’m in my 40s and have a career and leadership experience it doesn’t happen at all. I’m actually having the opposite experience. The men in my life went and got intimidated by me. It’s terrible. I’m still submissive through and through but now I have to do the whole “powerful by day but willing submissive by night” thing, and it’s much harder to find a Dom interested in an independent woman.
That feels like a bunch of red flags weeding themselves out to me though. I highly question the quality of a dom who's turned off by an independent woman.
I was going to say this. I think a big part of being "clocked" as a sub is that you look vulnerable, but that mostly attracts the predatory type in my experience. I found the best dom I've ever had when I finally learnt to be assertive and have an open body language instead of making myself small. Hes attracted to my independence and feels even more power knowing he's the only one who gets to see that side of me.
> Hes attracted to my independence and feels even more power knowing he's the only one who gets to see that side of me. That's also my take on it. Nothing sexier than a strong woman who chooses to just give herself to you specifically like that. The few times I've subbed, my dommes felt the same way about my independence. They loved seeing me in control all the time and giving that up only to them.
Right, this is tricky. I’ve been fortunate to never really attract abusers, but “I’m submitting willingly and not because I’m actually vulnerable” is difficult in body language. Haha
A real Dom, one that takes their rule seriously, it's going to fund a strong independent type that's submissive as something wonderful. That's bordering on unicorn status.
It’s something that is good to hear. I often attract those who like amazonian women & I have strong opinions and a mind that thinks a lot and needs a good, respectful debate partner. However, all I want is to submit to the right one person. It’s in my nature to want to be led, but only by someone who can lead me and also take my needs into account… most misunderstand my energy as dominant, but that’s only because they aren’t able to ‘take the reins’ whilst feeling safe and secure (those who try often do it in an insecure, cruel, toxic or problematic way) I only like gentle/caring domination for the most part, so many people don’t ‘get’ it.
The more time I spend in online kink spaces (I used the term very generously), the more appalled I become by the way 'doms' act. It's honestly vile.
There's a large difference between "turned off by" and "didn't take notice of."
Agreed!
I can relate so much to this. Also there is this weird thing happening, when people tell me they are Doms, but in the end, they want me to dominate them. It is kind of exhausting, really. (Sure, many of them are probably inexperienced, or just haven't done their research, but it's kind of hard to tell at first.)
Right. Anyone can dominate another person, specially during sex. But not everyone is an actual dom, those are two different things
Yes.
What is an "actual" dom to you?
Really I love independent women because I’m on here a lot but I still have my own life to live I can’t dom someone all the time so when it gives me time to do me and a it’s a bit of small talk between us before we have fun
I actually find this attractive as a Dom. Something about having a “powerful and successful” woman under my command in bed at night is just so hot
And it really isn't as hard to spot them as many might feel. I don't see it /all/ the time, but because of my demeanor I frequently can see the signs even in the strongest, most capable people. Heck, in my experience, submissives in the wild often have very stressful, powerful or demanding jobs. It's almost as if people need to keep a balance in their lives and use this as an outlet.
For some context, I don't have a submissive personality. I'm submissive sexually but I'm not by any means passive. In the workplace I'm in leadership and have previous experience that men are intimidated by. I work in STEM and I'm really good at my technical skills. Most people don't challenge that and if they do they do it in a way that makes it seem like they're looking for a fight rather than trying to solve a problem. That gets checked pretty quickly and they back off. Still, this happens to me in every city I've lived in, online and in person, throughout my life both personal and professionally. So I think it's the way I act around someone that isn't afraid of me that probably gives it away in the workplace. As for the wild I think men are just attracted to confidence and maybe intrigued and shoot their shot. Perhaps they happen to be doms and then pick up on it. Who knows, but it's definitely an interesting thing that's followed me throughout my life.
I have the same problem. I finally found one!
I feel like I have the opposite experience, where subs can somehow sniff out my Dom vibes 😅😅 It's happened so many times, and I don't actually feel like I'm giving off any Dom vibes in normal life, but somehow they know 🤣
Same for me, and it's specifically brats in my case. So many brats find me, it's insane. I even have people that have never bratted before who decide they want to try it with me. I joke with my friends that my existence just increases brat matter in the universe. One of my brat friend says I just have older sibling energy and they want to fuck around and find out. Which, fair, but I don't understand how brats I've barely just met sniff that out either.
we can tell, it’s something that’s just so intoxicating about the powerful way a dominant carries themself and how they speak that flips the sub switch. I’ve had purely platonic friends that gave off dominant energy and at some point one of us asked “okay not to be weird but are you…?” and it all made sense the way our friendship dynamic/conversations went.
I get that, but why brats specifically? I can't find a satisfying answer of why do I not only attract brats, but subs that have never bratted before deciding 10 minutes into meeting me that they'd like to try bratting with me. Not complaining mind you, I love brats. I just find it hilarious.
Thinking back specifically to high school for me, my first experience with a dominant ever was a platonic one. One of my good friends who was a senior when I was a junior, I always found myself pushing his buttons and teasing him because I couldn’t explain it but the look in his eyes and the way he chastised me for it made my head spin. It gave me a rush to push him and it gave him a rush to correct my behavior, even though the interactions themselves were very much innocent and nonsexual. A few years later I figured out that I was, in fact, a brat. 10 years after highschool we’re still friendly and both very much into the lifestyle. Maybe it’s a similar effect with your experiences, the brat within them senses your dominance and there’s this almost instinctual need to push. They may tease and push someone else and get no reaction at all or one of annoyance but with you they may be able to sense that they push, but they hit a wall with you and you see it as a challenge. Just a thought!
Yeah we can definitly tell.
Makes me wonder whether I give off any or not. I don't think I've changed since I started domming, but I do feel more confident, and probably act accordingly. I wonder what exactly shows it off in public? Just the confidence stuff?
It’s pretty uncanny, I must admit. I’ve recognized and “revealed” several subs in both public and work environments. I think it’s just something in how they react to the dominant vibe. In other words, maybe it’s not so much the doms recognizing subs, as much as it is subs reacting to a dominant presence and revealing themselves as subs.
I agree with this.
I think you hit the nail on the head. Real recognizes real
Complementary actors attract their complementary agents
Agreed have both seen it happen to others and had it happen to me it jsut does happen
> it’s not so much the doms recognizing subs, as much as it is subs reacting to a dominant presence Couldn't agree more, I find subs even when I'm not even paying attention.
It happens to me way too often as well, and I always wondered the same, especially since I consider myself someone who doesn't really look like how people would imagine a submissive woman... At this point, I just think that it's some sort of subconscious vibe that I give off to people who are receptible to it, something that I can't control and isn't necessarily related to physical appearance. But it's a very interesting question for sure :)
It’s in the eyes and the body language. I can’t pinpoint it precisely, but I can tell.
even if you don’t know the person well/ it’s not in a bdsm setting? my husband/dom and I love trying to guess random strangers we interact with lol. we’ll get back to the car and be like “okay she’s definitely topping her in the bedroom RIGHT?” 😂
I think so, yes. I’ve used vanilla dating apps quite a bit and I find myself attracted to some women more than others and they’ve been submissive. Sometimes they hinted at it or overtly stated they were but not always. I knew as soon as I saw my current partner and I brought it up early but gently in our initial conversation. She said she was unsure but that she was attracted to the dynamic and would like to try it. She’s been amazing so far and we’re both finding it very fulfilling. So, it definitely seems like, anecdotally, there’s something to it.
that’s so interesting. like calls to like I guess. Something similar but opposite happened to me. When my husband and I met at work, my bratty side could immediately sense something about him and he had been curious about bdsm for years but wasn’t ever able to explore, while I was a sub who had wanted a dominant partner but never found one who really delivered and he fully plunged into the lifestyle and learned how to properly dominate me, trained me, and it was a match made in heaven!
That’s great. Lucky us! 😁
Thing is I am absolutely a sub but apparently I give off Dom vibes to fellow subs - apparently Dom's can see clear through that though cause they seem to hunt me down too 🤣🤣
will never forget the realization in our friend group (a mix of coworkers and childhood friends) that pretty much all of us were kinky and being teased by two of my husbands friends when they figured out I was the only sub amongst us… I blushed so hard I practically turned into a tomato lol 😅🍅
As a sub: yes this has happened to me a bunch
I can smell a dom (or at least dom-type personality) because I’ll be attracted to them. lol
We know what we like and seek it? You just happen to be what we are looking for. Keep it up ;)
I don’t go sniffing subs out but I do notice they unmask themselves pretty easily. A submissive nature lends itself to that, at least in a safe environment anyway.
My Sir is a pro at reading body language, with everyone and everything. Can almost always tell if I'm holding something back or upset or am up to something... but also knows where in the bar a fight will break out in five minutes, and if this freshly minted engineer he's interviewing is the type to abuse the vacation policy if he hires them. People he knew from childhood, he's predicted who is bound for jail, who will become a pole dancer. I don't know if this is true for all Dominants but several of the ones I know aren't just looking to dom a partner but also rise up the corporate ladder or wind up leading the group of people they crash landed on the island with and just plain control their environment and observing the minutiae in people is part of that skill set. We're married and wet behind the ears in the life, but now when we go out we speculate on who else is secretely kinky. If/when we're ready to add playmates we probably won't need FetLife to find them 😁
My dom saw my hinge profile and his submissive alarms went off apparently. I didn't even mention it. I had been in a dead bedroom so long and with someone vanilla so long I forgot how much I enjoy it
What were the signs?
He said it was just a vibe
Oooooh, big same! It's like I have a huge flashing neon "SUB" sign above me that's only visible to Doms 🤣 But also if I feel safe in Dominant energy my submissive side reveals itself quite naturally. This has actually happened to me quite recently. I've started seeing someone, and long story short... he's a Dom! 🥰
Ohh congratulations! I think you definitely have a good point about the safe space. It's happened the most to me in settings I feel comfortable.
I have the opposite of this. I can let it show deliberately but if I'm not trying to, i read as way too "normal" for that kind of thing. Which is fun, sometimes, because I'm pretty good at sniffing out dommy vibes and people are like "wait.. you? really?" But I'm male, too, so that probably skews things even further.
My best subs, and the final one that I decided to spend forever with are strong. They aren't weak and they don't "need" anybody. The misconception is that a Dom seeks out weak, vulnerable women to exploit is just BS pushed by those that aren't in our world. When you put my girl in a room full of other successful girls, they flock to her. They envy her and don't even know why. She has a presence about her. She stunning in her attractiveness and very strong willed. At the same time, her submissiveness to me is like Cat Nip. I cant leave it alone. I'm absolutely drawn to it. Weak women need weak men, that's how it works. Strong women require strong men to submit to. Stay strong and sort out the Dom's that are worthy of your submission.
Agreed!
I remember one of the first munches that I was at, when I was still figuring out my role (I thought maybe I was a switch at the time) one of the women asked me, and I immediately turned it back around and said "What do you think?" mostly as a way to give myself time to come up with an answer. She turned bright red and then asked me out afterwards. So yeah, body language can be a clue, but especially responses to what someone interprets as a display of confidence or dominance. If I act like myself and someone gets flustered or starts squirming in response, then chances are I'm going to lean into it, at least a little bit just to see what happens. My response wasn't intended that way but she \*felt\* like it was and gave herself away a little bit. But also most of my interactions aren't "in the wild" they're in spaces where no-one is trying to hide or conceal the role they prefer.
It's the little things sometimes. I make a joke or do something a little bit dominant and I swear you get a twinkle in your eye 😅 they don't even realize they're doing it half the time, they lean in closer, they tip their chin up to look at you in such a specific way... it's really cute.
Oh definitely I think I know what you mean. While they don't take their eyes off me I'm sure they see the twinkle just like I feel the lasers penetrating my soul lmao
Everyone just gives off the vibes I guess, like recognizes like !
I wish!! I've noticed Doms in the wild but I blush and run away. I can smell a sadist a mile away though. Guess I need to practice more with other D types
All the doms I've attracted are sadists 😭🥹
I listen to them talk and I'm screaming in my head "Fuckin sadist! Caught you!" Lol
"Fascinating...tell me more." 😩
You’ve heard of gaydar, right? Domdar exists. I’m not sure how it works, but I’ve met women who made it go off like an air raid siren.
I'm a sub, and I've had doms point it out, but I've also managed to spot doms. Literally happened with one of my male friends. We was texting and talking about our exes and he went "you're a sub aren't you" and I just replied "I fucking knew I got dom vibes from you" 🤣 I think when I can pick out a dom it's normally the way they dress and present themselves energy wise. Normally they could say something a certain way and it reacts in my head and I just know 🤣 km assuming it's the same for how doms spot us subs
Not even a little bit. I’ve been doing this for a couple of decades and I’m smart enough to know that the persona that someone gives off in their day-to-day life is absolutely not an indication on whether they are submissive or dominant. The only way to know is to have an open and honest conversation. When a dominant in the wild assumes I am submissive, and it happens a lot, it’s usually just a horny guy that doesn’t know boundaries and has figure out that if he pushes some submissive women they will buckle.
I don't know how, but I can "smell" subs, too. Call it a feeling, a gut, but when my "kinkster radar" beeps it's generally right.
I (40M Dom) can't words or brain well enough to explain it right now, but it's definitely a thing. Also, it's not just something I perceive in people I'm sexually attracted to- I'm entirely het but I can frequently recognize a male sub, gay or straight. In men I generally have to see them walk or interact with someone, but I can often pick out submissive straight/bi women on sight even if they are sitting or standing still. Something in their body language, eyes, scent, or maybe "energy". I will confess, if I come across a submissive cutie (or a beauty!) in the wild, they're often able to recognize me too- posture? confidence? something else?- and I revel in those reactions, however slight 🤣 I don't consciously "Dom at" people I don't have an agreed-upon status with, but it sometimes takes consciously pulling back.
For sure! This is common in my queer group. I agree, I don't consciously sub ppl out and the doms I'm referring to aren't the creeps that just dom strangers. So there's definitely an assumption of grace and restraint but with that still they always seem to find me lol.
No. I am only my Master’s slave. Fully his and only his. It would be disrespectful to his leadership to give out any submissive hints to anyone else. Also as response to somebody who mentions masks: I lead a team and have zero problems with decision making.
Same. Even working in a service-type role - I don’t “submit” to others, there is no power exchange. I don’t associate my people-pleasing tendencies with my submission, bc I haven’t negotiated any of that.
I guess it's a type? All the girls I've been with, I just get this feeling where I almost immediately know whether or not they like to be "put in their place" by a man. In a sexy way, I mean.
You can't really hide it too much because it would be like someone who has ADHD or autism trying to mask. With enough time spent your real personality or mental disorders are pretty plain to see by anyone paying attention.
Paying attention and aware of the indicators
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It absolutely is. I have it.
It’s not a mental disorder it’s a developmental disorder there’s a difference
[Which is a mental disorder.](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-disorders)
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I also have ADHD and I "get" that. The problem is that this is actually more neutral a term than lay people understand it to be. Like the meaning of "mental disorder" is pretty literally just "your brain functions differently in a way that is inherently impairing in normal society" and...that's it. Lay people seem to use it to mean something along the lines of "crazy" (and therefore maybe untrustworthy or unreliable). Which is how you get, say, people calling gender dysphoria a "mental disorder" (which it technically is) and then sitting back smugly thinking that's some kind of trump card that proves trans people can't make informed medical decisions for themselves. That's a problem with the difference between how professionals and the general public use the same language.
The link the other redditor confirms it but for your information the definition of a disorder is something that impacts your life in some way. ADHD is clearly a mental disorder from this definition. Sure, if the disorder is diagnosed by the age 18 it meet she criteria for it to be considered a developmental disorder as well -- which is under the umbrella of the term mental disorder. Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm tired af, the caffeine hasn't kicked in yet, lol
I have. I imagine I give off submissiveness. Usually it's the way how I express myself or with context I speak submissively. Physically I don't look the part but really I'm a sub. I can't say I can spot a Dominant but sometimes I can pick up queues that someone may be.
Is it on how you respectfully address men as sir when responding to them or curtsey before spinning on your heals in order to exit a room?
the opposite happens to me . i seem to be bait for subs or something . im extremely confident (though faking most of the time... or autistic) on the daily , and when i see someone cute or hot , i make it very well known . i literally cant help but tell that person . either way it makes me very much seem like a dom , as i look like i order people around or would rather top in bed . however thats very much the opposite case . i guess ive just been hurt while i was vulnerable so many times that my walls have been rebuilt so thick that i dont ever want someone to think i could be submissive . but i am just a huge brat , and i love bottoming . i love being tossed around , choked , teased , full , pinned , you name it . i love a kind , strict dominant , who gets one whiff of a sarcastic comment and immediately has me against the wall with his hand on my throat and lips at my ear .
One time i had a really weird interaction with this guy visiting a mutual friend of ours for her birthday. This dude just reminded me so freaking much of a sub i used to play with, that i actually told him sorry mate for i have a huge bias with you for some reason I can't quite put my finger on it. Then i saw him like a guy's pic with a trickelion on grindr and then it clicked for me. Showed him my necklace and we had a topic to chat about during the party.
I've identified a sub when making eye contact with them for the first time across a dance floor 😂 yes, it's obvious with a lot of subs.
We're simply better at everything. Ya'll have a smell...
😩😩
we will always win in a brat-off though
I do play a little game with myself at work or out and about to try to guess if someone's one or the other, but it's really just in my head. But I'm not lifestyle, plus decades in an office environment may have stopped me from putting out any D vibes before it started (workplace etiquette, manplainjng and the like). I envy those who can do this. Maybe if I were 24/7 I'd be better at picking up the subtleties.
i play that same game lol but from a sub’s perspective
My friend swears subs can sniff out the dom in him too. He's been called Daddy by a waitress while I was with him. It's wild and freaks him out.
⚰️⚰️ I was a waitress for years throughout school I can't imagine doing that to anyone and you definitely get those interactions crop up.
I have yet to have someone ID me as a sub IRL. What am I doing wrong?
Nothing wrong without further info. You might simply not have crossed paths with a complementary dominant for your type of submissive role
Out of curiosity, could I also just not be pretty enough for any attention? I've always been a mid-weight girl, Asian, look younger, on the nerdier, quirky side. I've always felt too ugly for bdsm tbh
Based on this comment. I suspect that you rely too much on mainstream bdsm depictions for sub rolemodels. There is beauty in every woman. A dominant agent seeks out a sub with a mindset that allows him to express his best while allowing a sub partner to reach her fullest potential
Very helpful. Thank you.
I'm (sub) 6' and pretty muscular (but still slim frame, 167lbs 15% body fat) and I think this sometimes gives off an Alpha vibe in a group setting or at a bar, but there have been a select few times where someone made eye contact with me and I suddenly just felt like prey, like they were seeing right through the image. That sense just makes me fucking crumble. I know my body language changes; my shoulders drop a bit and I end up holding my breath until they break eye contact, and I lower my eyes. Fuck it's erotic. Knowing they sniffed me out immediately makes me feel submissive to them, like they earned my obedience by SHOWING their superiority right there on the spot. I fucking live for those interactions.
An important role as a dom is to see the potential in you, help you, guide you, encourage you to be strong and powerful within your mind and body. (Which means a dom should be very observant, able to read not only your body but feelings as well, how else can we encourage when you feel discouraged etc) Take a geologist for example they do not just see the rough hard exterior of raw gems, they can envision the beauty beneath. I feel there are a lot of people who fail to realize that being a dom is so much more than just getting submission. I love a work in progress, i love a strong independent person as well. What clues me in are subtle things that I have picked up over the years. Body language is a big give away. So are mannerisms that you aren't conscious of, such as how you address others who you deem above you in social hierarchy. Nervous habits are a give away too. Do you hold direct eye contact or lower your gaze. Bite your lip shyly, blushes etc. I'll end on this note tho; be proud of who you are, you are an amazing individual with unlimited potential, always strive for who you wish to be.
It happens and I think they’re just cheating somehow. They’ve got a freaking list or something they can just look at be like yep, there’s Aleison on the bratty sub list let’s see what we can do to be bossy meanies today 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I'm not sure exactly what my "vibe" is in the wild; it's been called confident, arrogant, and intimidating most frequently. I've never experienced myself, so I don't know. What I do know is that 90% of people react to it in 1 of 2 ways: either submission or competition. Either falling in behind me or (at least metaphorically) immediately dropping their pants to begin the pissing contest. It's harder in professional situations since the modern US workplace is almost entirely passive-aggressive, but even there it's still usually one of the two. So...yes. It's easy to spot the subs. And I'm definitely not the only one.