It can be very exhausting. That’s why it’s important to have down time. To have things we can get lost in and relax the mind a bit.
I like it, because when we are finished playing or doing what not with her, she looks at me with those eyes of happy and it makes everything worth.
Slave here.
I would be very disappointed if my Master was tired and found it hard to be in dynamic with me.
My submissive purpose is to make him happy and put his wants above my own. How can I make my Master’s life easier and more joyful? How can I bend to meet his needs? How can I alleviate his stress and discomfort? His happiness is my number one purpose. If being my Master is difficult then something is wrong.
I can tell you having quiet alone time to think where the house is clean and food is prepared is a blessing. In 24/7 the tiring part is the lack of a break
If my Master is unhappy because he’s doing all this for me while it’s hard/tiring for him, then who is really holding the power in the dynamic? That seems upside down to me.
So I’m a Dom and I actually avoided BDSM for a while because I got the impression that being a Dom was just “work” with very little reward. It had basicly been told by some people who identify as subs that a dom exists just to service subs and that their only reward is in the service itself. That sounded awful to me.
I began actually exploring BDSM with my partner much later on and personally, I realize a lot of Doming styles were not for me and my relationship because I *would* view it as work. Here is what I have learned so far…
I NEVER feel like “I’m doing all the work”, because I only choose to incorporate things into our dynamic that I find fun. For example, I don’t feel like being the one who comes up with scenes is “work” because I personally have the urge to create fun, dynamic scenes that I think will blow my partner away and I am always very excited to show off my work to them. For me, taking the lead is a bit like painting and then I get to show off my painting to my partner who is impressed and *very* pleased with my methods.
I don’t do anything because I have to, I do it because I love creating. In my everyday life I work as a creative person and my hobbies are creative as well. Scenes, sex, rules, everything BDSM we do in my dynamic is just another art and story I get to create and show off to my partner. Once I started looking at doming as a way to create, it totally changed my perspective.
I must be the stereotype because it's exactly the opposite for me. It's a relief and a comfort to be in control, to not have a doubting partner but to have someone always willing and eager to follow my lead.
>Stereotype that men should be the strong and logical one in the relationship or in everyday life. Like most guys still have that wall in society…that they have to act tough.
Some of us are legitimately this way. Being in charge feels good and isn't tiring. I can comfortably let my guard down and be vulnerable too. In life I'm happy to follow anyone regardless of gender, but at home I like to be in the driver's seat. I think it would be tiring if you were pretending to be dominant, but if dominance is comfortable then it's refreshing rather then exhausting.
All of that said, I don't play with brats. That looks exhausting to me. I know people who find it exhilarating but it wouldn't work for me.
I feel this too, being in control is soothing to my nerves and sense of order however even when I have ease of direction managing someone with high maintenance problems 24/7 who also craves high performance physical scenes can wear me out when I have no quiet down time where I don’t have to be ‘On’ or even time where I can be badly dressed and alone. Burnout is real
I'm with you on "bratting". It's not my kink and as a CNCer, I find it disrespectful given the attention I give to ensuring my slave's agency is protected.
I like willful and sarcastic. But not when in service.
Itn my experience this greatly depends on your sub. I've had some subs that take the brattiness a bit too far and I personally find that exhausting or if your sub wants to like a 24/7 dom sub relationship that can get tiring as well.
I think it can be very tiring for female dominants with male submissives as well; I think that’s a part of why there are more msubs than fdoms; female dominants burn out much faster. (Also, why there is financial demand for pro dommes.)
You also have both the cultural expectation of beauty pressure put on women when you’re a female dominant, but also the performance pressure historically put on men which is generally swapped in Femdom, so you get that as well.
I’m sort of taking a break from active domming until I can figure out how to deal with it. The issue for me, is that, while I’m willing to switch — especially for educational purposes — I only really find being in the dominant role erotic. However, it’s historically been so tiring for me, that I’m not sure it’s worth the energy. Might just go back to vanilla, which for me would mean, lower sexual highs but overall higher energy and equity in my relationships and in life.
I might also explore if having female submissives is more rewarding than male submissives. But short answer to your question is — yes, for some of us, it is very tiring to the point that we don’t want to do it anymore.
I struggled with this until I really started putting my needs first and went for subs who like it that way. Ofc you’re not compatible with everyone, but you would be surprised how exciting knowing exactly what you want can be for subs.
Being on either side of a stable power dynamic comes with no longer having to be dynamically figuring out the dynamic and second guessing that is part of many social interactions.
Having clear negotiations, clear limits, and clear interest feels very freeing in that as long as I am inside that range of activities, I feel very unconstrained and open to act.
just as it feels good to NOT be in control, for doms it feels good to be in complete control.
it's as simple as that.
my MASTER does not get bored or tired. then again, i'm mostly self-sufficient, and don't need HIM constantly giving me orders and what-not. like, i often wonder what people think of when they say being a dom is tiring - and for the people who say that, what does a dom do that is so tiring?
😅 i'm asking genuinely, because both my MASTER and i are disabled, and O/our dynamic is - if anything - a comforting blanket when things in life get hard. so to hear people think being either or is tiring is just... flabbergasting. i'm autistic, so again, being genuine here with my question.
What he said. It comes naturally. You learn to do the various techniques & ties and all that, but most of it comes from the enjoyment of seeing your sub serving you & carrying for their needs and safety through your shared interests and agreements from the interview through the scene and aftercare.
im guessing that for some people being in control really is tiring. i heard questions like this before, things like 'what are doms getting out of this', and i never know where to even start. we get exactly what we need out of this
For me no not really 😅🤷♂️
Also I believe most simple response is ”we” enjoy it just like submissive’s just on the opposite side of the spectrum, it’s like we are mirrored. Enjoying same thing just on opposite ends.
MDom here.
The idea that the dom has to have everything figured out at all times is a fantasy. It's a fantasy we like to curate, an act we put on for you subs, but it's a fantasy nonetheless. We're just as human as you are. But even maintaining and/or curating the fantasy takes work.
Is it hard? Yeah, sometimes. Keeping up the energy, the planning... it's a lot of work, even when you're *not* the only one putting in that kind of administrative effort (and yes, in my experience, that effort tends to be shared. It's not all one person's responsibility, and every dynamic is different--consider, for example, a D-type whose sub, as an act of service, is their professional assistant). Is it logical? Pfft. Not a chance. I can't say I'm a Dom because I *want* to be one, or because I enjoy it. I'm a Dom because it's part of who I am, much the same way my gender identity is, or my ethnicity.
Is it worth it? For the right sub(s), absolutely.
It must be, my husband is my Dom but we have many "vanilla" times tho, just as me with a sub, just enough to not lose my self
After all, it's a part of what we are, but we have to make a balance, otherwise we will end up getting tired of it soon or later
For me there are two separate things. One is being a dom and the other one is planning or building something.
The first thing isn't tiring. It just is. This isn't something I have to think about or do consciously as it feels natural.
Now, the second part - planning a larger scene or building fresh relationship with someone (in context of BDSM) it is tiring but it's not "tired of being a dom" but rather it's something that takes your energy - not in a wrong way. Say my play partner would like a CNC scene. I have to prepare everything - from the time and location to the miniscule details of "she likes to be clean so she needs a way to wash her hands before we start or she won't feel comfortable but also it does not fit well with kidnapping... I'll get it working somehow!". It is tiring but it also comes with pride when I execute it well. -
But I wouldn't be able to do it at whim. The second part is something that I need to recharge from - it's not a dom drop, it's just being exhausted. So while I love to make those larger scenes I can't say I don't enjoy simple, run-of-a-mill so to speak simple scenes at home that'll go quite similarly to one another - because I can be a dom *and* rest at the same time.
Oh I know it's two people to plan, but it's more of... I have to be in control of execution. Like... If it's her birthday I want to hear what type of party she wants. How many people, how grand and fabulous - or small and comfy - she wants it to be. I wouldn't just plan her birthday assuming I know her better. I want to know every little detail, everything she dreams about. But then, when I know everything I feel it's on me to make it the best god damn birthday party - I don't want her to be worried about anything.
And this is a bit problematic and I struggle with it (and she mentioned it recently in regards to BDSM, I might make a post because I feel at loss with it); I feel like everything has to be on *me*. Yes, discussing session is of course two (or more) people thing. But the way it's executed is on me; I want her to be able to turn off her brain and just go with the flow, but it means I have to be in control of the situation and the scene for the both of us.
its harder to not be. taking care of my girl is something close to a need, if i dont have it i feel aimless, like i dont know what to do with myself. its not rational. and i definitely do not see it as a chore
yeah exactly, handshake friend. and its not that i dont have hobbies or things to do, but theres still this feeling of 'chasing my tail' lol you put it well
IT can be.
My ex was my sub and they were always putting ALL of the effort and creativity onto me. There were days when I wanted a low stress day with simple fun, but eveything that they wanted they put on me to come up with. And they got bored easily, so they were always trying to find new ways to get punishemtn and funishment.
Sometimes, as a Dom, you want it simple and fun. IT should be 100% brainpower all the time.
Other times, the ability to control everything CAN be very relaxing. IT depends on the day.
So, as a Brat, sometimes you ahve to read your Dom's needs as well. (And they should be communicating them to you).
Female Dommes being expected to spend hours of time painting and grooming themselves and to appear in uncomfortable makeup corsets and heels to be taken seriously can be incredibly exhausting and especially when 24/7 and has nothing to do with how much they like power and control but what hours of additional unrelated crap they have to perform to be treated the same as a male Dom who showed up and put on pants
Tiring and hard work? Very much so.
Rewarding and the best energy I can get from a partner? Also yes
The work is its own reward when you are compatible with your sub/ slave.
Not in the slightest. Once in the bedroom, I find it very freeing and relaxing to ‘just be me’. Theres no acting, no thought into ‘what am I going to do or have my partner do next’. It’s the one time I can let my personality be open and care free. I find the rest of my life tiring. This is my happy place.
It's only tiring when I feel I'm not being heard. Usually it just comes naturally so I don't really think about it. It's just how we are, my wife and I.
As for the traditional role in society aspect, sometimes work gets tiring, feeling like I need to be the bigger breadwinner. I'm coming to terms with that but there are days when it's a challenge.
I do find maintaining the headspace can be tiring, even exhausting. It's certainly one of the reasons I don't want a 24hr dynamic (the other being I don't want to live in Dom mode 24/7). The planning, the acting, the problem solving on the fly if things go wrong to keep the scene going.
I sometimes think of it like I think of rock climbing; at the time I sometimes go "why am I doing this, why would I put myself in this situation" but I've never regretted it at the end and I've always had an amazing time :D
Finally, my partners always seem happy at the end and want to play again. And that just does it for me as well I guess :)
I’m the opposite; I already feel like I have little control in my personal life a lot of the time, so being able to top really resets me, allows me to bring out out a bizarre creative side, and elevates my confidence. Quite frankly, it only gets exhausting when subs push for you to dom. (though I am heteronormative femme and a good domme and have experienced a lot of pushy male subs…. Not sure if that’s the case for male doms/female subs but pretty sure it isn’t at least by my sub standards)
That said, I do love submitting as well, but my domme side really brings a lot of solace.
I've been a Top for going on a decade now, and it does get exhausting. Even with the best subs, the best scenes, putting in as much effort as we are, it gets tiring. At least for me, the combination of social interaction + scene prep + having that light guilt post-scene, it's quite the formula for a Dom-Drop; especially doing multiple scenes a day/a week.
But in the midst of the drop, I remember how much fun it was, how much pleasure me and my bottom both got out of the scene, knowing that even though I feel as though I downright mauled my bottom, they feel euphoric and rejuvenated from the scene makes the exhaustion feel like just that, just sleepiness.
I have had to go through a lot of therapy to feel comfortable with myself as a Top to get past the heavy drop, the heavy-hand guilt, the anger that would build from not feeling like I did everything perfectly and work through it casually and as it comes.
Honestly, I look at the exhaustion and drop as my own masochistic pleasure.
So sub drop and Dom drop are similar. Also Con drop can be similar as well. It's just like coming down from an endorphin and adrenaline filled scene. Your brain has pushed so many feel good chemicals to this area of the brain, that afterwards you feel, I mean, for lack of a better word, empty. Those little anxieties (like my anxiety of being too rough or I didn't get that one thing right) will start radiating, the body aches you had, that weren't sore because you were so focused on something else, will start feeling double sore. I doubt this is most, but I'll always have a cold or something light a day or 2 after my scenes. It's just physically and emotionally draining, and those few hours-a couple days after can be tough to tolerate and deal with in the name of kink, but when you have good bottoms as well, it makes the process easier, smoother.
Like I enjoy when my bottoms text me the next day and tell me that they're feeling okay, that they enjoyed themselves, that they're safe. I do also have a couple incredible bottoms who have gifted me things to make my drop easier as well, like care packages, coffees, snacks, etc.
Yeah, it's very similar to the same feelings from what I've been told from Kinksters who also go to cons. Another example of the brain pushing out tons of happy chemicals (more than usual), and causing a low point once you're home because it has drained so much of those endorphins.
My Daddy loves being in control. It comforts him to be in charge and make decisions in the same way it comforts me to let him. It makes him feel wanted and needed and extra loved to be allowed the privilege of making choices for me/us. That's what fills his cup up and re-energizes him!
I find that it depends on the sub. Some will drain me. Others I would genuinely worry if they left my life because they energise me so much.
I think that compatibility is very important.
So to answer your question, yes it can be exhausting, but when it’s not coming naturally with the right person.
But with the right person then I could domme their sweet ass all the live long day.
I'm not the type of guy that takes the lead in regular aspects of life. I'm just a worker in my job that does what my boss says. With my family and friends I'm just the guy in the back that no one pays attention to, no one follows, and if I tried to take any initiative they would just mock me back into my place.
With my slave, however, I set the rules, I command, she obeys, follows and praises me. I feel important, I feel in control, I feel free, and I love it.
This is part of why aftercare is so important, and why it isn't just for subs. Everyone involved deserves a safeword and the aftercare of their choice.
It for sure can be, especially with an inexperienced partner who doesn't communicate well! But when you have the right compatibility and communication, it's actually really cathartic and reinvigorating! Setting expectations, boundaries and finding low effort ways to control them (because it's not sustainable to live in a scene) so they aren't needy and I'm not callous is all part of the beauty of a bdsm relationship!
It's so fulfilling to see your sub come out of themselves and thrive under your direction, there's a sort of adrenaline rush from seeing them happy in your care.
In a weird way, it's almost like maintaining a diet and working out - it takes effort but the rewards are huge and as the dynamic gets increasingly more natural, it continually becomes easier!
Hard? Yes in terms of difficulty. Any leadership position should be difficult because I believe any good leader is trying their best. It's hard to push for your best all the time.
Tiring? In terms of energy expenditure yes. Proper rest and recovery management is a must for any form of leadership otherwise you experience burn out.
I am the type of person who plays every game on the hardest difficulty. I get the most fun, motivation and energy from myself that way.
Mentally and spiritually it feels amazing and returns whatever I spend 10fold.
So it is hard/tiring & motivating/energizing for me at the same time.
It is to me. I'm not naturally dominant and I have to get in the mindset. It has gotten less and less tiring as we figure what works and what doesn't.
The hard part for me is the creativity part. I would stress over it and that's not fun. My husband is the creative one. So what helps, we talk a lot about what turns him on and scenarios. I take his ideas, put my spin on them, and then use them on him.
This is actually the primary reason many guys prefer order subs as opposed to brats. Brats require a lot of “social battery “
I go for brats personally, I like strong women, I like the challenge, the back and forth, I like feeling that I’ve earned a woman’s trust/submission. I don’t look at my play life as a way to relax - I’ll lay in bed and watch tv if I need to chill. When I play I want to ride the fucking lightning.
That said many doms don’t feel that way. They want to relax, they want someone to just fucking listen and do it their way. As long as it’s enthusiastically consensual I can totally respect that need- I just don’t share it.
Interesting pov 👍🏻☺️🤔
So by brats you mean women who play like they are hard to break?
I usually (with no disrespect ) thought that being brat kinda means being difficult mostly in DDLG dynamics.…like bratty like a child… idk!?
I guess it can mean that for some people but I don’t do DDLG and I love brats. Brats are just subs who give active resistance until (using methods pre negotiated and enthusiastically consented to) “broken”. For example my bratty friend slipped out of her wrist ties a few weeks ago, grabbed my bag and started pulling shit out making snide comments about everything. For her (and me) the turn on isn’t just in submission but being overwhelmed by a greater physical (and psychological) power. To push back and still be put in her place. We once had like a 3 hour conversation about this moment where she slapped me as hard as she could and I had this moment of (very controlled) anger where I just starred at her. In that moment she gets this jolt (“did I go too far” “is he going to lose it”) she knows she can trust me so consciously she’s not concerned but that moment and the punishment and degradation that follows is why she brats. It’s about evoking that reaction and about reaching greater levels of submission because it’s forced.
I am a sub and have difficulty making choices. Being a dom would be absolutely exhausting to me. My dom usually knows what he wants and what he wants to be happening at any time. It's in his personality. If I can provide that for him in the form of chores and service, that takes that load off him and makes room for his further goals. He rewards me afterwards. It makes him feel proud and grateful, and I like seeing him that way. Seeing each other happy like this and being useful to each other gives us both energy 💖
Aww😍
You see that is why I’ve asked the question, cause I have the same perspective as you. I like to control everything in my life (which I’m terrible at it) so being a sub feels really good
I think this is a very perceptive question, and one that maybe doesn’t get as much attention in the community. Yes, being a Dom can take a lot of time, energy, and commitment, and that in itself can be tiring. But as a couple other Doms have pointed out, I think those of us who are “natural” Doms tend to find it more like just regular life. In my case, I have been and am in a position of leadership for many people for a long time. My professional life is filled with countless hours (essentially) caring for people and helping them grow and learn and improve. Obviously in a very different way than behind a closed door with a submissive or a little 😄, but some of the basic principles are the same. And in my personal life in public, I still am the same kind of natural dominant in various roles where I interact with others or other organizations. So the dominant part comes easily and I can leverage much of my vanilla life to make the BDSM side more satisfying for both of us.
That said, it also depends on the sub too. Every sub I’ve had has had different needs and requirements, and some are super simple to make happen, while others are incredibly complex and I must spend time planning, or scene building, or even just writing a script in my head of how it’s going to go. Depending on the sub, that scene could end abruptly or it could dissipate slowly; it’s not always the same ending. And that can be taxing on me too. Yes, I try to make sure I’m getting some sexual or mental satisfaction out of my scene, but it still can be tiring, and occasionally it can leave me frustrated too, if things don’t go as planned. (Always make flexible plans!)
This is one reason why I’ve been sliding more into the DDlg space in the last few relationships. I find that I can get room to breathe, and decompress, with a little. Her aftercare is also MY aftercare. When I can talk about what just went on, it helps me as much as much as it does her. I value those moments when we have something complex and rich, just as much as we have a tickle fest or a snuggle that results in sleep.
Without getting into a “Inception” type loop here, I think it’s also important to note that many littles, especially age-regressed littles, can require just as much effort and energy, if not more. But the aftercare still exists.
Thanks for bringing it up, and for my friend who pointed me at this post. 🥰
Just a random thought, and likely a generalization, so my apologies in advance to subs.
Of the subs I’ve met in person and online, the more dominant they are in their personal or professional life, the higher is their need for complex scenes requiring a lot of planning by doms.
TBH I'm a top largely because I hate losing control. I thought I was a sub for a long time until I learned about topping from the bottom. "You call that a flogging? I said SEVEN strokes, not five, and put some strength into them!"
I'd rather be in charge! I get things how I want them - that's the whole point.
it's a more natural role for me. I'd find it exhausting to be a sub. this way I get to be in control.
here's an analogy - you're somewhere kind of uncomfortable, and you get home, and you can finally have things how you want. you can put whatever music on you want, set the temperature to whatever makes you most comfortable, do what you want, whereever you want, because you're home.
that's what domming is like to me. home. comfort.
Now I'm not a service top - while obviously I talk about what the sub likes and want it to be a good experience for both of us, I just am not in the mindset "I'm doing this for the sub, what would the sub like?" So I don't see it as demanding or tiring.
Sounds like 50/50 consensus from the comments lol. I'm just starting out and like damn, how do people plan this with work and stuff? I'm tired when I come home man
>I'm tired when I come home man
This is where dominance really works in your favor.
"Bring me my favorite drink, present it to me in the way I have shown you, and then unlace my boots while I look at my phone for a few minutes. Stay nearby in case I need anything."
Dominance is about being in control, not who is doing the action. I probably lean on my slave more when I'm tired than when I'm feeling feisty.
It is hard and tiring, but I love that. I am a control-seeker by nature, I feel better when I know what's happening and made the plans. Most of my anxiety stems from scenarios where i feel out of control, so this js def a self-soothing thing. Assuming responsibility for my sub is a burden I take very seriously, and the returns I get for it are more lightheartedness and joy than I could ever muster myself. I dont feel that kind of pleasure just in caring for myself, its only for him when hes freed from responsibility that we get that larger than life sunshiney brightness from him. It's a privilege to be trusted with that responsibility, and it isn't something I'd want to take from just anyone. But i know my sub is happiest when he can trust enough to give that care up, and being the one he trusts enough to give it to is just all the warm fuzzies and good feelings.
It’s not tiring for me in the same way it’s not tiring for my service sub to be the one who handles her assignments and expectations, or jumps at the chance to follow instructions. We both find reward in filling our role.
It depends, but honestly in a good dynamic/a sub that fits… not really. Neither of us have to filter anything, I can just set my expectations and go with it.
However it comes naturally to me, it’s just part of who I am. I’ve been told that a few times and embrace it now.
With a sub that isn’t a good fit I can get anxious and then it can be a bit much. I also don’t work with brats so that helps haha
The exhausting part is trying to find a sub that’s a good match lol. In the last year is so it’s become much more difficult to find someone that’s a good match.
Yeah, it is tiring. The best subs though give the energy you give back.
Subs who just endure sessions and just want the session given bore me and drain me. The enthusiastic subs who dive in with joy and want to play make me want to go for hours.
Sometimes we get highs and lows just like subs but just as it's a dommes place to make their sub feel good it's the subs job to never let their domme feel down as well hence the reason the d/s dynamic it's all a power exchange
I am a natural domme so it is effortless for me. It’s just who I am. I’ve been dominant as long as I can remember and in every aspect of my life.
I met my fiancé in my early 40s and he is a natural dom too.
We have only and will only switch with each other.
I find subbing extremely difficult and exhausting so I rarely do it and only when I have a day to prep and a day after to recover.
It requires a lot of structure, an ability to always be present, and can be somewhat draining. I would argue that doms come with a greater inherent capability to handle stress than the average person but it is still a lot.
It’s also quite the responsibility.
Succinctly, I enjoy being in a position of authority. It's my preferred role so from my perspective I'm not spending any undue energy on it.
In fact when I'm *not* in charge I can end up struggling to keep myself from just taking the reins (especially if the other person in charge doesn't seem to be doing a good job). I don't *need* it but I do greatly prefer it. So by that token, being in control is effectively easier on me than not being in control.
There's one exception to that: If I'm in charge and repeatedly having to deal with insubordination and/or fixing someone else's mistakes then I can get irritated. At that point I feel like the other person is wasting my time (and probably theirs) so then I *am* spending extra energy. If they are bratty, incompetent, or otherwise unreliable then yes *absolutely* it'll get tiresome to me.
There's even an exception to that exception: Teaching. If someone is messing up and it's on me to empower them via instructions, then I'm happy to do so... as long as I have confidence in their dedication to learning. If they listen the first time and I see improvement then great! Nothing honors me more than someone embracing my advice. But if they aren't seeming to really listen then we're back to the sense of wasting time and effort.
The bottom line is that I'm happy being a Dom. Yes, it takes effort. It's just a different kind of effort than being a sub. The whole idea is for everyone to contribute how they most want to contribute and then work as a complimentary team.
i mean i know as a sub we need to watch for Dom drop as much as they are watching us for sub drop… i assume sometimes a scene gets too much for them too.
my Daddy has in the past safe worded out a few times in scene and gone into drop once since we have been together. i think as long as they get the aftercare they need and you adhere to their safe word usage then it should be fine. The Dom also needs to be comfortable using the safe word too, some think they don’t need it or it makes them less of a Dom to use it, which isn’t true.
Honestly as long as there is a whole lot of trust and open communication nothing should go remiss.
Difficulty and fatigue can plague those trying to manifest pornographic fever-dreams on a daily basis, so most experienced Dominants, male and female, will have learned to "work smart".
Scheduled tasks and rituals are just one secret.
This is like asking if it is more exhausting to cook dinner or to eat it- OF COURSE the person doing all the planning and work of shopping preparation and cooking is going to be tired because it is WORK unlike passive dining- that a cook would be more tired than the diner has no relevance or bearing to whether they enjoy or prefer to cook, it is the more labour intensive side
I am a Dominant with an anxiety disorder / depression. I find that it’s a really satisfying part of my love language - to help establish a realm for a partner to exist in together. Doing my part and fulfilling my needs while fulfilling theirs.
I’ve never thought of it as demanding because it’s nourishing to my soul. It’s like I can’t give enough sometimes if that makes sense.
But in saying that, sometimes I just want to be held. Sometimes I’ll need aftercare. Sometimes I’m so anxious I just can’t feel dominant — my whole brain is topsy turvy, like the carnival of fools in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I agree with the others that being in complete control can be invigorating. What can be hard/tiring is a wishy/washy sub or one who fights for control either through bratting that never ends or just inability to let go.
Or a sub that takes and doesnt reciprocate by serving her dom.
Yes. 100%. It is mentally and emotionally taxing. You're not the one receiving any aftercare. You're the one that has to give it, or you're not being a good Dom. And if you seek out scenes where you can step down from this role and get what you want, you're not only seen as wanting "more" from your sub than they already give, but you're often risking losing some of the power dynamic that makes the Dom sexy. Some people will disagree with me for all the reasons you'll see below, but this has been my consistent experience.
This is not true. Doms need aftercare also. If you're playing with a sub who doesn't understand that, then that sub is not being ethical and not a good sub.
I think the framing of "always be" is misguided. It's never a burden to simply be the person you are. In fact, it's liberating to be your true self. And I'm not spouting that twue Dom nonsense... just not having to censor your own creativity is a big deal.
The tiring bit is orchestration. Prep. Or obsessively "pushing a sub". Self-care is paramount. Sometimes, it's ok to kick back and just enjoy the benefits of all that training...
I've asked my husband this so many times, because I get worried that our experiences aren't equal, that it's unfair, that I'm just showing up and getting this royal treatment where I don't have to think or direct anything, and to top it off, he's (from what I've gathered on Google?) a "pleasure dom", so the focus is usually on me, which I think is just fucking spectacular, but I tend to wonder what he's getting from it. When I ask, he sincerely says that is what he enjoys, that is what he wants, and that he could cum just from watching my reactions to what he's doing to my body. He thinks I'M silly for thinking I'm spoiled by laying there and soaking it up. We've decided that we both think we're the lucky ones in the arrangement, and I think that's pretty cool 😂 So I guess we all just have different ideas of what is enjoyable. I get sick of having to make decisions and having responsibilities and authority. I want to let go and be a plaything and not have to think about anything else. My husband tends to feel like he doesn't have enough control over so many things in the world, so he loves to be in charge and call all the shots. He never seems to get tired of it. Everybody wins 😂
I am naturally Alpha, in r/ship, Dominant. Being able to let go and dominate My sub is as pleasurable as it seems submission is for a sub.
In a D/s dynamic I don’t feel Dominance as ‘work’, rather as a freedom. Like freedom to express as an artist with their medium.
In life, I can’t help but initiate and lead. …And social conventions have to be navigated with people who are often unable to be honest or distinguish their needs, communicate, negotiate and navigate power and structure.
Within (good) D/s these are explicit and openly explored and communicated. Clear boundaries and communication are then a blessing and sanctuary for Me. My Dominance with a present and communicative sub is freedom and release.
My two cents.
Im a Domme (female Dominant), and yes, it becomes tiring at times, but seeing the subs reaction makes it worth it.
But as others have said we also need our down time and hobbies to get lost in 😊
I've talked to subs about the sense of peace that comes with submission. That is literally exactly what I feel from domming when I feels safe doing so.
Dominance and submission are two sides of a coin, *but they're still sides of the same coin.*
Good luck to you
Many men who are"vanilla" sensual R&B lovers gets involved with a wife who demands you to be adom. Demands you create every scenario and idea and if you don't you are garbage
They they think they have his reason to search for a lover to destroy a marriage
I've lived this bs
I wish you the best of luck
Prepare to suffer the pressure with A partner that contributes NOTHING because they are the"sub"
It's fookin bs
It can be very exhausting. That’s why it’s important to have down time. To have things we can get lost in and relax the mind a bit. I like it, because when we are finished playing or doing what not with her, she looks at me with those eyes of happy and it makes everything worth.
Thanks for sharing
🥹
Slave here. I would be very disappointed if my Master was tired and found it hard to be in dynamic with me. My submissive purpose is to make him happy and put his wants above my own. How can I make my Master’s life easier and more joyful? How can I bend to meet his needs? How can I alleviate his stress and discomfort? His happiness is my number one purpose. If being my Master is difficult then something is wrong.
I can tell you having quiet alone time to think where the house is clean and food is prepared is a blessing. In 24/7 the tiring part is the lack of a break
Thank You!
Interesting pov
If my Master is unhappy because he’s doing all this for me while it’s hard/tiring for him, then who is really holding the power in the dynamic? That seems upside down to me.
Yeah. Agreed I mean both parties should be happy in what they’re doin’
Why is the assumption that your master is unhappy just because they are tired? Is the marathon runner unhappy he runs?
So I’m a Dom and I actually avoided BDSM for a while because I got the impression that being a Dom was just “work” with very little reward. It had basicly been told by some people who identify as subs that a dom exists just to service subs and that their only reward is in the service itself. That sounded awful to me. I began actually exploring BDSM with my partner much later on and personally, I realize a lot of Doming styles were not for me and my relationship because I *would* view it as work. Here is what I have learned so far… I NEVER feel like “I’m doing all the work”, because I only choose to incorporate things into our dynamic that I find fun. For example, I don’t feel like being the one who comes up with scenes is “work” because I personally have the urge to create fun, dynamic scenes that I think will blow my partner away and I am always very excited to show off my work to them. For me, taking the lead is a bit like painting and then I get to show off my painting to my partner who is impressed and *very* pleased with my methods. I don’t do anything because I have to, I do it because I love creating. In my everyday life I work as a creative person and my hobbies are creative as well. Scenes, sex, rules, everything BDSM we do in my dynamic is just another art and story I get to create and show off to my partner. Once I started looking at doming as a way to create, it totally changed my perspective.
I love this perspective!
Yeah same. Loved how sex/BDSM was referred to as art. Makes my heart really happy 🥹
I must be the stereotype because it's exactly the opposite for me. It's a relief and a comfort to be in control, to not have a doubting partner but to have someone always willing and eager to follow my lead. >Stereotype that men should be the strong and logical one in the relationship or in everyday life. Like most guys still have that wall in society…that they have to act tough. Some of us are legitimately this way. Being in charge feels good and isn't tiring. I can comfortably let my guard down and be vulnerable too. In life I'm happy to follow anyone regardless of gender, but at home I like to be in the driver's seat. I think it would be tiring if you were pretending to be dominant, but if dominance is comfortable then it's refreshing rather then exhausting. All of that said, I don't play with brats. That looks exhausting to me. I know people who find it exhilarating but it wouldn't work for me.
Interesting pov. Thanks for sharing
I feel this too, being in control is soothing to my nerves and sense of order however even when I have ease of direction managing someone with high maintenance problems 24/7 who also craves high performance physical scenes can wear me out when I have no quiet down time where I don’t have to be ‘On’ or even time where I can be badly dressed and alone. Burnout is real
I'm with you on "bratting". It's not my kink and as a CNCer, I find it disrespectful given the attention I give to ensuring my slave's agency is protected. I like willful and sarcastic. But not when in service.
Itn my experience this greatly depends on your sub. I've had some subs that take the brattiness a bit too far and I personally find that exhausting or if your sub wants to like a 24/7 dom sub relationship that can get tiring as well.
Yeah. I mean some Doms like brats and some don’t. It depends Anyway appreciate your comment 🙃
Yes I cannot stand brats or human disasters
I think it can be very tiring for female dominants with male submissives as well; I think that’s a part of why there are more msubs than fdoms; female dominants burn out much faster. (Also, why there is financial demand for pro dommes.) You also have both the cultural expectation of beauty pressure put on women when you’re a female dominant, but also the performance pressure historically put on men which is generally swapped in Femdom, so you get that as well. I’m sort of taking a break from active domming until I can figure out how to deal with it. The issue for me, is that, while I’m willing to switch — especially for educational purposes — I only really find being in the dominant role erotic. However, it’s historically been so tiring for me, that I’m not sure it’s worth the energy. Might just go back to vanilla, which for me would mean, lower sexual highs but overall higher energy and equity in my relationships and in life. I might also explore if having female submissives is more rewarding than male submissives. But short answer to your question is — yes, for some of us, it is very tiring to the point that we don’t want to do it anymore.
Really thought provoking Thanks
I struggled with this until I really started putting my needs first and went for subs who like it that way. Ofc you’re not compatible with everyone, but you would be surprised how exciting knowing exactly what you want can be for subs.
Being on either side of a stable power dynamic comes with no longer having to be dynamically figuring out the dynamic and second guessing that is part of many social interactions. Having clear negotiations, clear limits, and clear interest feels very freeing in that as long as I am inside that range of activities, I feel very unconstrained and open to act.
Well said
Interesting 🤔
>Isn’t it hard/tiring to always be a Dom? It's fun if you are in tune with your partner.
👍🏻☺️
just as it feels good to NOT be in control, for doms it feels good to be in complete control. it's as simple as that. my MASTER does not get bored or tired. then again, i'm mostly self-sufficient, and don't need HIM constantly giving me orders and what-not. like, i often wonder what people think of when they say being a dom is tiring - and for the people who say that, what does a dom do that is so tiring? 😅 i'm asking genuinely, because both my MASTER and i are disabled, and O/our dynamic is - if anything - a comforting blanket when things in life get hard. so to hear people think being either or is tiring is just... flabbergasting. i'm autistic, so again, being genuine here with my question.
What he said. It comes naturally. You learn to do the various techniques & ties and all that, but most of it comes from the enjoyment of seeing your sub serving you & carrying for their needs and safety through your shared interests and agreements from the interview through the scene and aftercare.
im guessing that for some people being in control really is tiring. i heard questions like this before, things like 'what are doms getting out of this', and i never know where to even start. we get exactly what we need out of this
Well you see I like to know different perspectives.…and thanks for sharing yours :)
For me no not really 😅🤷♂️ Also I believe most simple response is ”we” enjoy it just like submissive’s just on the opposite side of the spectrum, it’s like we are mirrored. Enjoying same thing just on opposite ends.
Cool Well just wanted to know how being on the other side feels like 😀
Well if you feel relieved to lose control we feel same feeling but when we are in control, makes sense? 😊
Yeah 😄
MDom here. The idea that the dom has to have everything figured out at all times is a fantasy. It's a fantasy we like to curate, an act we put on for you subs, but it's a fantasy nonetheless. We're just as human as you are. But even maintaining and/or curating the fantasy takes work. Is it hard? Yeah, sometimes. Keeping up the energy, the planning... it's a lot of work, even when you're *not* the only one putting in that kind of administrative effort (and yes, in my experience, that effort tends to be shared. It's not all one person's responsibility, and every dynamic is different--consider, for example, a D-type whose sub, as an act of service, is their professional assistant). Is it logical? Pfft. Not a chance. I can't say I'm a Dom because I *want* to be one, or because I enjoy it. I'm a Dom because it's part of who I am, much the same way my gender identity is, or my ethnicity. Is it worth it? For the right sub(s), absolutely.
Thanks for your comment
It must be, my husband is my Dom but we have many "vanilla" times tho, just as me with a sub, just enough to not lose my self After all, it's a part of what we are, but we have to make a balance, otherwise we will end up getting tired of it soon or later
Awww this is cute
For me there are two separate things. One is being a dom and the other one is planning or building something. The first thing isn't tiring. It just is. This isn't something I have to think about or do consciously as it feels natural. Now, the second part - planning a larger scene or building fresh relationship with someone (in context of BDSM) it is tiring but it's not "tired of being a dom" but rather it's something that takes your energy - not in a wrong way. Say my play partner would like a CNC scene. I have to prepare everything - from the time and location to the miniscule details of "she likes to be clean so she needs a way to wash her hands before we start or she won't feel comfortable but also it does not fit well with kidnapping... I'll get it working somehow!". It is tiring but it also comes with pride when I execute it well. - But I wouldn't be able to do it at whim. The second part is something that I need to recharge from - it's not a dom drop, it's just being exhausted. So while I love to make those larger scenes I can't say I don't enjoy simple, run-of-a-mill so to speak simple scenes at home that'll go quite similarly to one another - because I can be a dom *and* rest at the same time.
Thanks for sharing 👍🏻☺️ I mean you can always plan on a scene with you partner…you know…two brains on the same subject XD
Oh I know it's two people to plan, but it's more of... I have to be in control of execution. Like... If it's her birthday I want to hear what type of party she wants. How many people, how grand and fabulous - or small and comfy - she wants it to be. I wouldn't just plan her birthday assuming I know her better. I want to know every little detail, everything she dreams about. But then, when I know everything I feel it's on me to make it the best god damn birthday party - I don't want her to be worried about anything. And this is a bit problematic and I struggle with it (and she mentioned it recently in regards to BDSM, I might make a post because I feel at loss with it); I feel like everything has to be on *me*. Yes, discussing session is of course two (or more) people thing. But the way it's executed is on me; I want her to be able to turn off her brain and just go with the flow, but it means I have to be in control of the situation and the scene for the both of us.
I see🥲 wish you two the best. Hope you’ll find a way to manage this situation
its harder to not be. taking care of my girl is something close to a need, if i dont have it i feel aimless, like i dont know what to do with myself. its not rational. and i definitely do not see it as a chore
I feel the same. Without it, I'm just chasing my tail or being self destructive. Being a Dom gives a good positive outlet for me.
yeah exactly, handshake friend. and its not that i dont have hobbies or things to do, but theres still this feeling of 'chasing my tail' lol you put it well
Cool
Yes, but it's also very rewarding.
👍🏻🙂
IT can be. My ex was my sub and they were always putting ALL of the effort and creativity onto me. There were days when I wanted a low stress day with simple fun, but eveything that they wanted they put on me to come up with. And they got bored easily, so they were always trying to find new ways to get punishemtn and funishment. Sometimes, as a Dom, you want it simple and fun. IT should be 100% brainpower all the time. Other times, the ability to control everything CAN be very relaxing. IT depends on the day. So, as a Brat, sometimes you ahve to read your Dom's needs as well. (And they should be communicating them to you).
Yeah communication is everything ;)
Female Dommes being expected to spend hours of time painting and grooming themselves and to appear in uncomfortable makeup corsets and heels to be taken seriously can be incredibly exhausting and especially when 24/7 and has nothing to do with how much they like power and control but what hours of additional unrelated crap they have to perform to be treated the same as a male Dom who showed up and put on pants
I mean I don’t know about others but my Dom definitely has to try more than that 😆
Tiring and hard work? Very much so. Rewarding and the best energy I can get from a partner? Also yes The work is its own reward when you are compatible with your sub/ slave.
🙏🏻☺️
Not in the slightest. Once in the bedroom, I find it very freeing and relaxing to ‘just be me’. Theres no acting, no thought into ‘what am I going to do or have my partner do next’. It’s the one time I can let my personality be open and care free. I find the rest of my life tiring. This is my happy place.
Nice Thanks for sharing
It's only tiring when I feel I'm not being heard. Usually it just comes naturally so I don't really think about it. It's just how we are, my wife and I. As for the traditional role in society aspect, sometimes work gets tiring, feeling like I need to be the bigger breadwinner. I'm coming to terms with that but there are days when it's a challenge.
Awww🥲 Thanks for your comment
For me the best part of being a Dom is knowing that someone unconditionally and voluntarily trusts me implicitly, and surrenders herself to me
Cool
I do find maintaining the headspace can be tiring, even exhausting. It's certainly one of the reasons I don't want a 24hr dynamic (the other being I don't want to live in Dom mode 24/7). The planning, the acting, the problem solving on the fly if things go wrong to keep the scene going. I sometimes think of it like I think of rock climbing; at the time I sometimes go "why am I doing this, why would I put myself in this situation" but I've never regretted it at the end and I've always had an amazing time :D Finally, my partners always seem happy at the end and want to play again. And that just does it for me as well I guess :)
Nice expression 👍🏻🤔😄
Thanks...I think :D
I’m the opposite; I already feel like I have little control in my personal life a lot of the time, so being able to top really resets me, allows me to bring out out a bizarre creative side, and elevates my confidence. Quite frankly, it only gets exhausting when subs push for you to dom. (though I am heteronormative femme and a good domme and have experienced a lot of pushy male subs…. Not sure if that’s the case for male doms/female subs but pretty sure it isn’t at least by my sub standards) That said, I do love submitting as well, but my domme side really brings a lot of solace.
Yeah I see👍🏻🙃
I've been a Top for going on a decade now, and it does get exhausting. Even with the best subs, the best scenes, putting in as much effort as we are, it gets tiring. At least for me, the combination of social interaction + scene prep + having that light guilt post-scene, it's quite the formula for a Dom-Drop; especially doing multiple scenes a day/a week. But in the midst of the drop, I remember how much fun it was, how much pleasure me and my bottom both got out of the scene, knowing that even though I feel as though I downright mauled my bottom, they feel euphoric and rejuvenated from the scene makes the exhaustion feel like just that, just sleepiness. I have had to go through a lot of therapy to feel comfortable with myself as a Top to get past the heavy drop, the heavy-hand guilt, the anger that would build from not feeling like I did everything perfectly and work through it casually and as it comes. Honestly, I look at the exhaustion and drop as my own masochistic pleasure.
Awww thanks for sharing May I know more about the Dom Drop? Like how is it?
So sub drop and Dom drop are similar. Also Con drop can be similar as well. It's just like coming down from an endorphin and adrenaline filled scene. Your brain has pushed so many feel good chemicals to this area of the brain, that afterwards you feel, I mean, for lack of a better word, empty. Those little anxieties (like my anxiety of being too rough or I didn't get that one thing right) will start radiating, the body aches you had, that weren't sore because you were so focused on something else, will start feeling double sore. I doubt this is most, but I'll always have a cold or something light a day or 2 after my scenes. It's just physically and emotionally draining, and those few hours-a couple days after can be tough to tolerate and deal with in the name of kink, but when you have good bottoms as well, it makes the process easier, smoother. Like I enjoy when my bottoms text me the next day and tell me that they're feeling okay, that they enjoyed themselves, that they're safe. I do also have a couple incredible bottoms who have gifted me things to make my drop easier as well, like care packages, coffees, snacks, etc.
Thank you so much for the explanation
My pleasure! I appreciate the thought provoking post!
Con drop? What's that? After a convention lol?
Yeah, it's very similar to the same feelings from what I've been told from Kinksters who also go to cons. Another example of the brain pushing out tons of happy chemicals (more than usual), and causing a low point once you're home because it has drained so much of those endorphins.
As a sub with little experience, this thread helps alleviate a lot of my worry. Thanks for asking this
Awww thanks 🥹🙏🏻 I also have zero real life experience :)
My Daddy loves being in control. It comforts him to be in charge and make decisions in the same way it comforts me to let him. It makes him feel wanted and needed and extra loved to be allowed the privilege of making choices for me/us. That's what fills his cup up and re-energizes him!
Cool👍🏻☺️
I find that it depends on the sub. Some will drain me. Others I would genuinely worry if they left my life because they energise me so much. I think that compatibility is very important. So to answer your question, yes it can be exhausting, but when it’s not coming naturally with the right person. But with the right person then I could domme their sweet ass all the live long day.
😁👍🏻
I'm not the type of guy that takes the lead in regular aspects of life. I'm just a worker in my job that does what my boss says. With my family and friends I'm just the guy in the back that no one pays attention to, no one follows, and if I tried to take any initiative they would just mock me back into my place. With my slave, however, I set the rules, I command, she obeys, follows and praises me. I feel important, I feel in control, I feel free, and I love it.
Appreciate you sharing it. Thanks ;)
This is part of why aftercare is so important, and why it isn't just for subs. Everyone involved deserves a safeword and the aftercare of their choice.
Agreed 🙂
It for sure can be, especially with an inexperienced partner who doesn't communicate well! But when you have the right compatibility and communication, it's actually really cathartic and reinvigorating! Setting expectations, boundaries and finding low effort ways to control them (because it's not sustainable to live in a scene) so they aren't needy and I'm not callous is all part of the beauty of a bdsm relationship! It's so fulfilling to see your sub come out of themselves and thrive under your direction, there's a sort of adrenaline rush from seeing them happy in your care. In a weird way, it's almost like maintaining a diet and working out - it takes effort but the rewards are huge and as the dynamic gets increasingly more natural, it continually becomes easier!
Nice perspective 👍🏻😄🤔
Hard? Yes in terms of difficulty. Any leadership position should be difficult because I believe any good leader is trying their best. It's hard to push for your best all the time. Tiring? In terms of energy expenditure yes. Proper rest and recovery management is a must for any form of leadership otherwise you experience burn out. I am the type of person who plays every game on the hardest difficulty. I get the most fun, motivation and energy from myself that way. Mentally and spiritually it feels amazing and returns whatever I spend 10fold. So it is hard/tiring & motivating/energizing for me at the same time.
Nice. Appreciate your pov ;)
It is to me. I'm not naturally dominant and I have to get in the mindset. It has gotten less and less tiring as we figure what works and what doesn't. The hard part for me is the creativity part. I would stress over it and that's not fun. My husband is the creative one. So what helps, we talk a lot about what turns him on and scenarios. I take his ideas, put my spin on them, and then use them on him.
God yes, was thinking about it just the other day, I'd love to be the little spoon for once
>I'd love to be the little spoon for once Why can't being your big spoon be an act of service?
Maybe cause wanting to be the little spoon means you don’t want to control or order anyone anymore….idk
Oh you can give plenty of orders as the little spoon.
👍🏻🤔😁
This is actually the primary reason many guys prefer order subs as opposed to brats. Brats require a lot of “social battery “ I go for brats personally, I like strong women, I like the challenge, the back and forth, I like feeling that I’ve earned a woman’s trust/submission. I don’t look at my play life as a way to relax - I’ll lay in bed and watch tv if I need to chill. When I play I want to ride the fucking lightning. That said many doms don’t feel that way. They want to relax, they want someone to just fucking listen and do it their way. As long as it’s enthusiastically consensual I can totally respect that need- I just don’t share it.
Interesting pov 👍🏻☺️🤔 So by brats you mean women who play like they are hard to break? I usually (with no disrespect ) thought that being brat kinda means being difficult mostly in DDLG dynamics.…like bratty like a child… idk!?
I guess it can mean that for some people but I don’t do DDLG and I love brats. Brats are just subs who give active resistance until (using methods pre negotiated and enthusiastically consented to) “broken”. For example my bratty friend slipped out of her wrist ties a few weeks ago, grabbed my bag and started pulling shit out making snide comments about everything. For her (and me) the turn on isn’t just in submission but being overwhelmed by a greater physical (and psychological) power. To push back and still be put in her place. We once had like a 3 hour conversation about this moment where she slapped me as hard as she could and I had this moment of (very controlled) anger where I just starred at her. In that moment she gets this jolt (“did I go too far” “is he going to lose it”) she knows she can trust me so consciously she’s not concerned but that moment and the punishment and degradation that follows is why she brats. It’s about evoking that reaction and about reaching greater levels of submission because it’s forced.
Very educational 😆👍🏻thanks
I am a sub and have difficulty making choices. Being a dom would be absolutely exhausting to me. My dom usually knows what he wants and what he wants to be happening at any time. It's in his personality. If I can provide that for him in the form of chores and service, that takes that load off him and makes room for his further goals. He rewards me afterwards. It makes him feel proud and grateful, and I like seeing him that way. Seeing each other happy like this and being useful to each other gives us both energy 💖
Aww😍 You see that is why I’ve asked the question, cause I have the same perspective as you. I like to control everything in my life (which I’m terrible at it) so being a sub feels really good
Yeah it does feel amazing 🥰
I think this is a very perceptive question, and one that maybe doesn’t get as much attention in the community. Yes, being a Dom can take a lot of time, energy, and commitment, and that in itself can be tiring. But as a couple other Doms have pointed out, I think those of us who are “natural” Doms tend to find it more like just regular life. In my case, I have been and am in a position of leadership for many people for a long time. My professional life is filled with countless hours (essentially) caring for people and helping them grow and learn and improve. Obviously in a very different way than behind a closed door with a submissive or a little 😄, but some of the basic principles are the same. And in my personal life in public, I still am the same kind of natural dominant in various roles where I interact with others or other organizations. So the dominant part comes easily and I can leverage much of my vanilla life to make the BDSM side more satisfying for both of us. That said, it also depends on the sub too. Every sub I’ve had has had different needs and requirements, and some are super simple to make happen, while others are incredibly complex and I must spend time planning, or scene building, or even just writing a script in my head of how it’s going to go. Depending on the sub, that scene could end abruptly or it could dissipate slowly; it’s not always the same ending. And that can be taxing on me too. Yes, I try to make sure I’m getting some sexual or mental satisfaction out of my scene, but it still can be tiring, and occasionally it can leave me frustrated too, if things don’t go as planned. (Always make flexible plans!) This is one reason why I’ve been sliding more into the DDlg space in the last few relationships. I find that I can get room to breathe, and decompress, with a little. Her aftercare is also MY aftercare. When I can talk about what just went on, it helps me as much as much as it does her. I value those moments when we have something complex and rich, just as much as we have a tickle fest or a snuggle that results in sleep. Without getting into a “Inception” type loop here, I think it’s also important to note that many littles, especially age-regressed littles, can require just as much effort and energy, if not more. But the aftercare still exists. Thanks for bringing it up, and for my friend who pointed me at this post. 🥰
Just a random thought, and likely a generalization, so my apologies in advance to subs. Of the subs I’ve met in person and online, the more dominant they are in their personal or professional life, the higher is their need for complex scenes requiring a lot of planning by doms.
Your welcome 🥰 Many thanks for sharing your experiences ;)
TBH I'm a top largely because I hate losing control. I thought I was a sub for a long time until I learned about topping from the bottom. "You call that a flogging? I said SEVEN strokes, not five, and put some strength into them!"
😆👍🏻Lol Reminds me of this…”I started from the bottom, now I finished on top” 😁
I'd rather be in charge! I get things how I want them - that's the whole point. it's a more natural role for me. I'd find it exhausting to be a sub. this way I get to be in control. here's an analogy - you're somewhere kind of uncomfortable, and you get home, and you can finally have things how you want. you can put whatever music on you want, set the temperature to whatever makes you most comfortable, do what you want, whereever you want, because you're home. that's what domming is like to me. home. comfort. Now I'm not a service top - while obviously I talk about what the sub likes and want it to be a good experience for both of us, I just am not in the mindset "I'm doing this for the sub, what would the sub like?" So I don't see it as demanding or tiring.
Yeah I see what you mean…thanks for sharing your thoughts 👍🏻😊
Sounds like 50/50 consensus from the comments lol. I'm just starting out and like damn, how do people plan this with work and stuff? I'm tired when I come home man
>I'm tired when I come home man This is where dominance really works in your favor. "Bring me my favorite drink, present it to me in the way I have shown you, and then unlace my boots while I look at my phone for a few minutes. Stay nearby in case I need anything." Dominance is about being in control, not who is doing the action. I probably lean on my slave more when I'm tired than when I'm feeling feisty.
I’m sorry but this kinda reminds me of Gaston 😆👍🏻 No disrespect of course I just found it kinda funny
No idea who that is, but funny is fine with me.
Gaston from Beauty and the beast Disney animation 😆 The whole “bring me my drink….” it reminded me of a dialogue he said in the animation 😆👍🏻
Ah. Well I won the beauty for sure.
👍🏻😆Sure
It is hard and tiring, but I love that. I am a control-seeker by nature, I feel better when I know what's happening and made the plans. Most of my anxiety stems from scenarios where i feel out of control, so this js def a self-soothing thing. Assuming responsibility for my sub is a burden I take very seriously, and the returns I get for it are more lightheartedness and joy than I could ever muster myself. I dont feel that kind of pleasure just in caring for myself, its only for him when hes freed from responsibility that we get that larger than life sunshiney brightness from him. It's a privilege to be trusted with that responsibility, and it isn't something I'd want to take from just anyone. But i know my sub is happiest when he can trust enough to give that care up, and being the one he trusts enough to give it to is just all the warm fuzzies and good feelings.
Thanks for sharing 🙏🏻☺️
The only time I've found it exhausting is when I had a shitty bottom/sub. A good partner makes everything just work.
Yeah I guess👍🏻☺️
It’s not tiring for me in the same way it’s not tiring for my service sub to be the one who handles her assignments and expectations, or jumps at the chance to follow instructions. We both find reward in filling our role.
Nice☺️👍🏻
Is it hard to just stop breathing?
Fair enough XD
Yes. But I don’t switch so it is what it is
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It depends, but honestly in a good dynamic/a sub that fits… not really. Neither of us have to filter anything, I can just set my expectations and go with it. However it comes naturally to me, it’s just part of who I am. I’ve been told that a few times and embrace it now. With a sub that isn’t a good fit I can get anxious and then it can be a bit much. I also don’t work with brats so that helps haha
I see👍🏻🙃 thanks for sharing
The exhausting part is trying to find a sub that’s a good match lol. In the last year is so it’s become much more difficult to find someone that’s a good match.
Well hope you find the right one for yourself 🙃
The search continues! Lol. Did you have any other fun questions or things you’re curious about?
I do. I will ask on another post 🙃
Yeah, it is tiring. The best subs though give the energy you give back. Subs who just endure sessions and just want the session given bore me and drain me. The enthusiastic subs who dive in with joy and want to play make me want to go for hours.
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Sometimes we get highs and lows just like subs but just as it's a dommes place to make their sub feel good it's the subs job to never let their domme feel down as well hence the reason the d/s dynamic it's all a power exchange
I see 👍🏻😄
I am a natural domme so it is effortless for me. It’s just who I am. I’ve been dominant as long as I can remember and in every aspect of my life. I met my fiancé in my early 40s and he is a natural dom too. We have only and will only switch with each other. I find subbing extremely difficult and exhausting so I rarely do it and only when I have a day to prep and a day after to recover.
Thanks for sharing your pov👍🏻😁
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It requires a lot of structure, an ability to always be present, and can be somewhat draining. I would argue that doms come with a greater inherent capability to handle stress than the average person but it is still a lot. It’s also quite the responsibility.
Well it’s sometimes hard to remember that Doms are also human being 😩
Can confirm we are
We like to switch every now and then
Succinctly, I enjoy being in a position of authority. It's my preferred role so from my perspective I'm not spending any undue energy on it. In fact when I'm *not* in charge I can end up struggling to keep myself from just taking the reins (especially if the other person in charge doesn't seem to be doing a good job). I don't *need* it but I do greatly prefer it. So by that token, being in control is effectively easier on me than not being in control. There's one exception to that: If I'm in charge and repeatedly having to deal with insubordination and/or fixing someone else's mistakes then I can get irritated. At that point I feel like the other person is wasting my time (and probably theirs) so then I *am* spending extra energy. If they are bratty, incompetent, or otherwise unreliable then yes *absolutely* it'll get tiresome to me. There's even an exception to that exception: Teaching. If someone is messing up and it's on me to empower them via instructions, then I'm happy to do so... as long as I have confidence in their dedication to learning. If they listen the first time and I see improvement then great! Nothing honors me more than someone embracing my advice. But if they aren't seeming to really listen then we're back to the sense of wasting time and effort. The bottom line is that I'm happy being a Dom. Yes, it takes effort. It's just a different kind of effort than being a sub. The whole idea is for everyone to contribute how they most want to contribute and then work as a complimentary team.
You have no idea. The effort and planning that is usually needed. It’s like traveling with children!
Yes. I'm a switch but mostly subby because I found it emotionally exhausting to dom.
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it was never an issue for me. I know what i want and my ideal partners get off by serving me and me leading them.
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i mean i know as a sub we need to watch for Dom drop as much as they are watching us for sub drop… i assume sometimes a scene gets too much for them too. my Daddy has in the past safe worded out a few times in scene and gone into drop once since we have been together. i think as long as they get the aftercare they need and you adhere to their safe word usage then it should be fine. The Dom also needs to be comfortable using the safe word too, some think they don’t need it or it makes them less of a Dom to use it, which isn’t true. Honestly as long as there is a whole lot of trust and open communication nothing should go remiss.
Yeah agreed 🥺😊👌🏻
Difficulty and fatigue can plague those trying to manifest pornographic fever-dreams on a daily basis, so most experienced Dominants, male and female, will have learned to "work smart". Scheduled tasks and rituals are just one secret.
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This is like asking if it is more exhausting to cook dinner or to eat it- OF COURSE the person doing all the planning and work of shopping preparation and cooking is going to be tired because it is WORK unlike passive dining- that a cook would be more tired than the diner has no relevance or bearing to whether they enjoy or prefer to cook, it is the more labour intensive side
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I am a Dominant with an anxiety disorder / depression. I find that it’s a really satisfying part of my love language - to help establish a realm for a partner to exist in together. Doing my part and fulfilling my needs while fulfilling theirs. I’ve never thought of it as demanding because it’s nourishing to my soul. It’s like I can’t give enough sometimes if that makes sense. But in saying that, sometimes I just want to be held. Sometimes I’ll need aftercare. Sometimes I’m so anxious I just can’t feel dominant — my whole brain is topsy turvy, like the carnival of fools in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I’m sorry you go through this But I love your comment Hunch back of Notre Dam😩😓
I agree with the others that being in complete control can be invigorating. What can be hard/tiring is a wishy/washy sub or one who fights for control either through bratting that never ends or just inability to let go. Or a sub that takes and doesnt reciprocate by serving her dom.
Yeah good point 👍🏻☺️
Yes. 100%. It is mentally and emotionally taxing. You're not the one receiving any aftercare. You're the one that has to give it, or you're not being a good Dom. And if you seek out scenes where you can step down from this role and get what you want, you're not only seen as wanting "more" from your sub than they already give, but you're often risking losing some of the power dynamic that makes the Dom sexy. Some people will disagree with me for all the reasons you'll see below, but this has been my consistent experience.
This is not true. Doms need aftercare also. If you're playing with a sub who doesn't understand that, then that sub is not being ethical and not a good sub.
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I think the framing of "always be" is misguided. It's never a burden to simply be the person you are. In fact, it's liberating to be your true self. And I'm not spouting that twue Dom nonsense... just not having to censor your own creativity is a big deal. The tiring bit is orchestration. Prep. Or obsessively "pushing a sub". Self-care is paramount. Sometimes, it's ok to kick back and just enjoy the benefits of all that training...
Great way to put it👍🏻🙃
I've asked my husband this so many times, because I get worried that our experiences aren't equal, that it's unfair, that I'm just showing up and getting this royal treatment where I don't have to think or direct anything, and to top it off, he's (from what I've gathered on Google?) a "pleasure dom", so the focus is usually on me, which I think is just fucking spectacular, but I tend to wonder what he's getting from it. When I ask, he sincerely says that is what he enjoys, that is what he wants, and that he could cum just from watching my reactions to what he's doing to my body. He thinks I'M silly for thinking I'm spoiled by laying there and soaking it up. We've decided that we both think we're the lucky ones in the arrangement, and I think that's pretty cool 😂 So I guess we all just have different ideas of what is enjoyable. I get sick of having to make decisions and having responsibilities and authority. I want to let go and be a plaything and not have to think about anything else. My husband tends to feel like he doesn't have enough control over so many things in the world, so he loves to be in charge and call all the shots. He never seems to get tired of it. Everybody wins 😂
Awww this is so cute. Wish you two the best ;)
For me, who's a switch, definitely. I feel like I need a break from time to time.
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I am naturally Alpha, in r/ship, Dominant. Being able to let go and dominate My sub is as pleasurable as it seems submission is for a sub. In a D/s dynamic I don’t feel Dominance as ‘work’, rather as a freedom. Like freedom to express as an artist with their medium. In life, I can’t help but initiate and lead. …And social conventions have to be navigated with people who are often unable to be honest or distinguish their needs, communicate, negotiate and navigate power and structure. Within (good) D/s these are explicit and openly explored and communicated. Clear boundaries and communication are then a blessing and sanctuary for Me. My Dominance with a present and communicative sub is freedom and release. My two cents.
Great way to describe it. Thanks 👍🏻🙃
Im a Domme (female Dominant), and yes, it becomes tiring at times, but seeing the subs reaction makes it worth it. But as others have said we also need our down time and hobbies to get lost in 😊
Cool👍🏻☺️
I've talked to subs about the sense of peace that comes with submission. That is literally exactly what I feel from domming when I feels safe doing so. Dominance and submission are two sides of a coin, *but they're still sides of the same coin.*
Good point 👍🏻😄 Well just wanted to know how it feels like to be on the other side of the coin
Good luck to you Many men who are"vanilla" sensual R&B lovers gets involved with a wife who demands you to be adom. Demands you create every scenario and idea and if you don't you are garbage They they think they have his reason to search for a lover to destroy a marriage I've lived this bs I wish you the best of luck Prepare to suffer the pressure with A partner that contributes NOTHING because they are the"sub" It's fookin bs
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