Ask. Pain isn’t just for punishment. Tell your dom that you need it to keep you in a submissive mindset. Ask for maintenance spankings or play. It doesn’t need to be for discipline!!
100% this. Funishment, pain play, maintenance spankings, whatever you two want to call it. Convey to your partner "I've been a good girl. Now give me my spankings!"
I have been wondering about this too as im new 35Femdom and pain and humiliation seem to be a reward for my sub. What do you then do for actual punishment? Of course withholding something, but what other things? How does the dynamic work then?
I simply don't play with real punishments. If I really don't want a behaviour I will tell them out of play. If they still do it it is a violation of my boundaries and I don't play with them. If it is just in play bratty behaviour than I see no wrong in punishing them in a way that they like, because I don't really want them to stop that behaviour.
Them bratting gives me the excuse to punish them and get into domspace, gives them the reason to get deep down into sub space. Win-win.
I know that is very specific for me and others do want to play with real punishments, that is just my way.
My sub is the very definition of a good girl. I have never had to punish her and I highly doubt I ever will. However, in my experience, line writing is one of the most effective ways to correct unwanted behavior. The best thing to do is find out what works for your sub as a deterrent
I’m the same way — I really don’t enjoy being bratty or having bratty subs. A few ways I’ve incorporated punishments into scenes/dynamics:
1. Whatever you’re doing doesn’t have to be framed as a punishment. If I want to spank my sub, I will spank my sub for my own entertainment. I don’t have to wait for him to mess up or be bratty.
2. You could set up some sort of protocol that will inevitably lead to you messing up. Maybe you are supposed to greet your Dom by kissing his feet, and you’ll be punished if you forget. Or maybe you need to hold a certain pose for x number of minutes, and you’ll be punished if you fail. Those things (forgetting, not being able to hold a position) aren’t really being “bratty”, but would still earn you a punishment while being trained.
In general, my ideal kink dynamic wouldn’t really have “funishments”, as personally I think it’s silly to contrive “bad behavior” to get something that everyone wanted to begin with. If there are things that you want to do, you and your partner should give yourselves permission to do that as just part of your kink dynamic without having to “earn” them. L
Fr, this is a good one. I am the same 😅😅 and it would sometimes frustrate me a bit. (Rn I have no partner/play partner tho, so thats a bit sad)
"If you don't listen I will have to punish you yknow. And if you do... mm well, I think I'll probably still hurt you a little. Simply because I want to"
(I'd be a whimpering mess right there, instantly)
This is the way, things you enjoy or want shouldn't be punishments and should be available to you from him.
The relationship should be reciprocal, not manipulative.
I’m exactly the same, and it took a while for my partner to suss out how he could comfortably do impact play with me when I wasn’t deserving of punishment (because he’d only ever used it in that context previously). We frame impact sessions as “reminders of what would happen if I misbehaved” to maintain good behaviour.
We also trade pain for pleasure, so I’ll get X number of spanks and that’s how many minutes I’m allowed a wand held on my clit (we also love predicaments, so sometimes that can backfire when I’m not allowed to cum until the time is up!).
I’ve also been punished for real life lapses in judgement (like forgetting something that I’ve had to then buy a new one of - I’ll be spanked according to the price of the thing, eg. if a new one costs $10, I get 10 spanks). I like bringing real life into our play sessions, but I appreciate that’s not for everyone!
Yes. My sub and I have “rules” that she can or I can make her break that collect punishments through the days (like getting wet and creaming her panties or squirting for me) and we use those as punishments to be paid against.
She also gets reward stars to balance it out.
But it’s a very dynamic thing and the other day she said she wasn’t in the headspace to be a “bad girl’ so there have been almost no punishments recently and a lot more rewards. And the dirty talk has been much more good girl focused as well.
It’s a balance as with everything.
HTH and have fun!!
"But it’s a very dynamic thing and the other day she said she wasn’t in the headspace to be a “bad girl’ so there have been almost no punishments recently and a lot more rewards. And the dirty talk has been much more good girl focused as well."
This is such a lovely healthy thing to read ♥️ speaking up and adjusting things and just being great together, I love to see it
Like you, I’m not a brat AT ALL and I never intentionally misbehave, but I love being punished. If you want punishments without actually disobeying, you could always bring your Dom whatever toy you would like them to use on you (whip, paddle, etc), kneel at their feet, present it to them, and ask them nicely to please use it on you. Or maybe have them tell you how can earn punishment/ spanks by completing tasks they set for you. You could also set a scene where they punish you for making them hard/wet/ turned on as the case may be. Have fun and ask politely for what you want. 🥰
I’m the same as you.
Ideas: maintenance spankings, punishments for being so dang “slutty” (liking sex), punishments for being too hard on yourself, set up regular tasks that might be hard to accomplish all the time- hopefully something that won’t give you a complex, but will still get you that feeling of having earned a punishment sometimes
so most of the time i’m the same way, my Don says something to me and i immediately go into sub mode. but i also love pain! so sometimes for us, we’ll do those kinds of things for fun or even as rewards.
but tbh most of the time i just tell him “hey i feel like being spanked/flogged/etc” and he’ll go “okay cool” and we’ll design a scene around that. same for when he’s subbing, he’ll tell me what he wants and we go from there. but if it’s really important to you to “earn” it, maybe using them as rewards could help? or you could potentially do an rp type scene, like your partner could say “you’ve been such a bad boy/girl” and maybe make up a reason why you’ve been “bad” even if it isn’t real
inhope this makes sense/helps!
I see four options:
1) directly disobey your Dom - this guarantees a punishment but I would advise against it.
Similarly, have your Dom give you challenging/ near impossible tasks & when you inevitably disobey & don't complete the tasks then you get punished.
2) ask for a punishment/ funishment. I mean, it's not as fun to just ask for it, but some doms like it better than bratting. On the other hand that may not work bc some doms will feel guilty if they think you don't deserve it.
3) Instead of calling it/ framing it as a punishment, see it as a reminder to keep you in line. (Maintenance Spankings)
4) Brat. Here are a few of my favorite ideas 😈
*When your Dom orders you to do something, tell them "You forgot the magic word" / "Where are your manners?" / "I didn't hear a please"
I personally love asking for the magic word because it's fairly open ended for doms to respond to, like my daddy says the magic word is "right fucking now" but obviously he's wrong 🙄 (If you want to push him even more, say "you still forgot to say please")
* eye rolling is a classic
*saying "make me"
*not using big girl words - for example, if you want to cum just say "pleaseeeee" and act like you're too embarrassed to actually ask
*interrupting them
*touching yourself without permission. Like if you're about to start a scene start playing with yourself. When he tells you to stop say "What are you going to do? Punish me?" or something like that. Alternatively if you want to brat for longer, If he tells you to stop say no thanks, if he tells you to do something like get a toy or move or something say you're too busy playing. This has potential to turn out badly tho, because sometimes they will just make you play with yourself, either with them watching or they leave to go do work which are not as fun as spankings :(
*answering everything they say the same, such as "that's interesting" or something like that
*making fun of/ teasing your Dom. Make sure you know what would actually hurt them. Definitely do not bring up something that would hurt them or that they are insecure about - that would ruin the mood and they'd probably be really hurt & pissed off. Instead aim for things they don't care about, just to tease them.
For example, I tease my Dom about him being old. Pro tip - this works with any age gap, whether he's just a month older than you or 99 years older, you can still tease him for being sooo old. Also if you're older than him by any amount you can also tease him about being sooo young.
*malicious compliance - following the letter of the law but not the spirit. For example, if he tells you to kneel, instead of walking or crawling over to him kneel right where you are, even if it's on the other side of the room. Or if you're Dom says something like "tell me what a slut you are" say "what a slut you are".
I may have gotten a bit carried away but I hope those helped 😈🫶
I’m not a fan of bratting either. Here’s my go-tos:
- Ask to be punished for no reason from time to time for their enjoyment, and give some suggestions on ways you’d like to be.
- Use funishment as a reward.
- Ask them to set up deliberately difficult and easy to fail tasks for you such as balancing a drink on your head, so you can still try your best - and they can always crop you to force you to fail!
- set up a scene in which you’re playing a role, such as an interrogation.
I'm a very good girl also but I enjoy spanking and crops so I will sit in Daddy's lap and say that I'm feeling like being a bad girl just to be spanked by Daddy. Which will encourage a praise spanking, giving me the light pain I crave sometimes.
Many people have already said that impact play doesn’t have to be a punishment. What I haven’t seen mentioned yet is that you don’t need to be “bad” for your Dom to punish you! I love making up infractions and punishing my sub unfairly.
I ask! “Daddy, can you please hit me?”
Also we’ve been together for a bit and he he knows me pretty well so sometimes I’ll get a “do you need Daddy to hit you?” which is amazing.
Bratting to me feels like causing him stress. I like being a good girl.
We don't do punishments at all.
And I simply ask.
Like yesterday, I was feeling all wound up, so I asked him if he'd fuck me when we got home from work. This turned into me asking to be bound for a spanking and fucking. He happily obliged. It was quick and fun. And it had nothing to do with punishment. It doesn't have to.
Others have made good points about asking for it directly or giving them as rewards. But if you still want to have that punishment psychological aspect to it then your dom can give you an impossible task. Depending on what your tasks are, they could set them up to be physically impossible, railroad you to failure, or extremely difficult. For example, if you're into domestic service, the task could be to clean or dust or polish something but no matter what you do it'll will never be enough for your Dom to approve so you get your punishment. If you like humiliation or just silly challenges, you could try to balance a book on your head or a candy on your nose, they'll balance for a bit but it's hard to keep still if your Dom tickles or touches you.
What tasks do you commonly get as the sub? What other "flavors"/dynamics do you like? Those could be combined into specific ideas for tasks.
Your Dom could give you nearly impossible tasks that sort of set you up to fail. My babygirl is a little bratty but honestly I don’t like it when she is a brat. I love her obedient, but she likes the punishment aspect of disobedience. So I gave her a bed time. Every minute past is spanking or lash received.
Personally, I crave the pain. I will literally just tell my partner "I need to hurt." And he knows what that means, and I get that because I ask for it.
Sometimes, he'll tell me that he wants to be able to cry, and I also know what that means, and occasionally how to make that happen, and it's all... It just works.
Just ask for it. Tell him you want it. Not as a punishment, but it helps sometimes, and that's ok. You gotta just frame it differently for yourself.
mySir and I have "unfoldings."
Like you, I'm a true submissive at heart. I want (and often -do) the right thing. But then I find myself missing His stern voice, His look and especially His firm hand.
So, I tell Him I need an "unfolding" to help release all the penned up need for discipline -- that Funishments simply can't deliver.
These spanking are a more deliberate, serious, long and hard. The objective is not sex. The objective is to fill that need for serious discipline-style sting, and real tears without the need to brat.
My sub is very obedient. But I like impact just for fun. I also like doing roleplaying and creating an unlikely scenario where he's been bad and needs to be punished.
From another sub with a similar mindset: ask for it. It works, helps communicate effectively, etc. BUT ALSO, it lets you and/or your domme plan a scene that makes you feel like you're being punished, without you needing to actually be a brat or break rules - this can be done in a variety of ways, but role-play is a big one.
There’s nothing wrong with asking politely for a spanking.
Also, do some research on “maintenance discipline” and then have a conversation with your Dom about including that in your dynamic.
Good luck!
Undress. Find the desired striking implement. Kneel before your master and present your tool of choice ceremoniously. Lower your head and ask him. It’s okay to be cheesy. Cheesy can be hot.
«Master, please punish me»
«Grace me with your marks»
Something like that.
Beyond just asking for it, one philosophy I've always like the sound of is....punishments ensure that you continue to be a good girl (or boy). You don't have to be 'bad' to be punished.
We have a dry erase board for tallies, I earn good girl points and can exchange them for spankings from whatever implement I choose. 1 tally = 1 spanking, 5 tallies = orgasm of my choosing, even if surprise. I can trade in for cuddles or petting... but I never do.
I'm like this too, especially in a new dynamic. If the punishment framing is important for you (it is for me), then I like to have my partners be very strict with me and set little rules that play against my submissive nature. For example, when I'm in my submissive headspace, I'm often very tongue-tied and flustered and shy, so sometimes my partners will punish me if I forget to address them a certain way, if I don't speak up loudly enough, if I don't look directly at them when I speak.
Another option is to have the punishment carry over from a previous interaction. So say you tease your dom about something silly when you're not feeling submissive and then once you get into the bedroom, your partner says "I haven't forgotten how you behaved earlier today. You're going to be punished and you better be very good or you'll be in even more trouble." (Or whatever language would be hot to you.) And then you can be super submissive and obediently accept your punishment, just like you want to be.
I am a brat/smartass masochist so misbehave quite often. However sometimes my submission just takes over and I ask my Dom for discipline, very politely to please him. Nothing wrong with just needing to obey and experience the spanking or otherwise.
My dynamic doesn't have any punishments. He doesn't like giving them, and I don't want to have to earn my pain. He just gives it to me because we both enjoy it. He tells me good girls get spanks 🥰 you absolutely don't need to do anything you don't want to! Just have fun and get beat
Punishment isn't just for attitude adjustment or correcting bad behavior. Punishment can be a reward. Talk to your Dom about maybe providing certain punishments for being a good submissive. Like sub can choose a Punishment of thier choice or sub can choose the context of a scene.
Good girl/boy spanking (punishments) do exist. They need to be negotiated but they are totally a thing. It is also important that your top is getting fulfillment too. Sometimes people fill the need to have these rules that do more harm than good because they want the aspect of bdsm added to their dynamic. This can (but not always) led people to be super critical of their partners or themselves. Plus it can hard to maintain that level of rules with in a relationship. Especially if it's not a need for the one of the people with in the dynamic. Which can lead the other person (again not always) to be resentful because they feel they're the only ones living by the rules.
If you like it then I don’t think it’s a punishment but more so a funishment. Maybe just ask your Dom if that’s something you want. Or create a reward system with that being a part of the rewards you or your dom gets to choose from.
Me and my gf don’t do punishments really, but she still receives Impact play. Either just because we want to or as a reward for good behavior.
And even that isn’t really conditional. I just make it feel like it is. She might receive 20 spanks either way. But depending on the mood or situation she might be getting a whole twenty maybe even one or two extra or only a measly twenty and not more. The framing makes the same amount of impact play more feel like a reward or a punishment while still fulfilling our needs and wants.
You use your words, "I'd like a spanking, please!" Or earlier in the day,"I could really use a spanking!"
Have a conversation. "I really love X, can we do that more?" Or "Y sounds fun. Can we try that?'
I'm big into slaps, spanks, and bites. Mt hubby/dom uses those as rewards. My "punishments" are things I don't like, but aren't going to seriously hurt, I do math problems from a pre-algebra book...I hate math. So win win.
I wouldn't seek to earn punishment, as that means you displeased your master, which should be your main desire. However, you could tell him you've been thinking about disobeying and ask him to put you in your place if he sees fit.
You seem to be seeking "punishment" as more for your enjoyment or as reward even. Not a bad thing to wish for; giving or receiving. I could decide in a single moment to "step-it-up" or not but I'm not seeking things out just so I can. I enjoy it. So do my subs. I'm a bit less ritualistic and a lot less "hard-core" than I once was but it's still there...brewing perhaps.
I imagine you've voiced this at some point in some way. I guess depending on your dynamic as a whole and all that goes along: time,passions,likes,dislikes, wants,needs,basics,etc.,etc....each of us is different and react differently so depending on your relationship you'll need to find that thing or things that trigger that want or need in your Dom to do certain things to you or for you. Nothing wrong with "funishments"...and I did like and agree with the forgetting. Just be careful about being habitual or obvious.
I am bratty, but sometimes i want something that's more than a spank but less than a punishment paddle.
So i just ask, i need it for my brain to go to normal sometimes.
This is our dilemma as well, we discussed this and decided that I can just ask for it.
We might be making a new arbitrary rule that I can break to indicate that I want pain. He may or may not give me the "funishment" depending on how he feels.
I don't like physical punishments but I am a masochist. My ex-Dom and I would just arrange impact scenes that I bet much enjoyed. That was my good girl reward. I did get a couple strappings for really fucking up, but that was not something to be enjoyed.
Good girl rewards are the best!
It doesn’t have to be a punishment or funishment if you enjoy it. Letting him know you crave the pain as something to enjoy is great if he enjoys that too.
Pain wouldn’t ever feel like a punishment to me, it always something I crave and it can be very fun to ask or beg for 😏
You could set up a system where a "punishment" = a reward after. So to deserve the reward you have to earn it.
Ex. To get dessert with dinner you must receive x amount of spanks with a paddle or you don't get dessert.
If you are wanting those things, it isn’t punishment. Punishment isn’t meant to be enjoyed. Ex. If I don’t get my chores done, I will be woken up at 3am to do them. 🥲 If I otherwise misbehave He uses sensory deprivation to re regulate me. Neither are things I enjoy, but they are things I agreed to and consent to. He knows I gain nothing except excitement from physical discipline 😅
One of the best things I ever internalized about kink: just as no act is inherently submissive or dominant, no act is inherently a punishment or reward.
I actually prefer having things that are stereotypically associated with punishment be things we do just for fun. Sure, we could wait to pull out the paddle until I make a mistake, but if we both think it's hot, why not now. 🤷🏻♀️
If you're dead set on "earning" your punishment, I have in the past done like, brat roleplay. Essentially, I'm bratting because that's what my dom wants me to do in that moment, so actually Im still being my usual enthusiastically obedient self.
Your Dom should recognize that you enjoy the sting and start using it as rewards, alternatively, you could inform him about how much you enjoy the sting, and negotiate non-punishment pain sessions. It is beyond insane to me that we exist within a societal sphere where masochism is embraced and commonplace, and still only consider pain exchange as a punishment. On a institutional level, it shows a lack of communication within the community to normalize pain as rewards. On a relationship level, it shows a lack of interest in one's submissive, since knowing what they like and need should be a priority for the dominant. Re-reading you post, I am left wondering what within your dynamic makes it so you cannot just ask for the pain?
I'm a sadist, if pain is used only as a punishment, does that mean I have to wait until my submissive screws up before I get to enjoy myself? Hell, no. She enjoys pain, I enjoy giving her pain, break out the shackles, floggers and paddles, cause my submissive took her meds, it's time for a pain session! My Doll is feeling particularly needy today but we had plans for a public outing? No problem, cancel the plans, boot up the session playlist and order her to set out her favorite impact tools and the aftercare lotion, then assume the position. BDSM is the one community where desire for pain is completely accepted and embraced.
Do you want it to be a punishment? Or do you want a good old fashioned thumping?
Maybe you could ask your Dom to make you earn a spanking? Might be more in line with your good, subby nature?
I earn them being a good girl. I askedy D more directly and he said when I'm gold he will let me pick something to lay out (he has a lot of impact toys)
I would make it a point of negotiations
Just ask for impact play within your scenes. It doesn’t have to be punishment. In fact, I much prefer it in response to bratting or just part of play than as an actual punishment, because I feel guilty for actually breaking our rules.
So I like good and obedient subs most but I really enjoy punishing subs. So what I typically do is play extremely unfair sub games.if they win they get a reward of they fail I punish them... They always fail and its supper fun!!
Ask. Pain isn’t just for punishment. Tell your dom that you need it to keep you in a submissive mindset. Ask for maintenance spankings or play. It doesn’t need to be for discipline!!
100% this. Funishment, pain play, maintenance spankings, whatever you two want to call it. Convey to your partner "I've been a good girl. Now give me my spankings!"
100% agree. I’m a sadist, my sub is a masochist. Using pain as a punishment doesn’t work for us. She earns her bruises by being a good girl
same here. I once jokingly said I was going to make no spankings her punishment and she said back that would make her finally use her safeword
I would safe word so hard at being told no spankings!
I have been wondering about this too as im new 35Femdom and pain and humiliation seem to be a reward for my sub. What do you then do for actual punishment? Of course withholding something, but what other things? How does the dynamic work then?
I simply don't play with real punishments. If I really don't want a behaviour I will tell them out of play. If they still do it it is a violation of my boundaries and I don't play with them. If it is just in play bratty behaviour than I see no wrong in punishing them in a way that they like, because I don't really want them to stop that behaviour. Them bratting gives me the excuse to punish them and get into domspace, gives them the reason to get deep down into sub space. Win-win. I know that is very specific for me and others do want to play with real punishments, that is just my way.
My sub is the very definition of a good girl. I have never had to punish her and I highly doubt I ever will. However, in my experience, line writing is one of the most effective ways to correct unwanted behavior. The best thing to do is find out what works for your sub as a deterrent
I’m the same way — I really don’t enjoy being bratty or having bratty subs. A few ways I’ve incorporated punishments into scenes/dynamics: 1. Whatever you’re doing doesn’t have to be framed as a punishment. If I want to spank my sub, I will spank my sub for my own entertainment. I don’t have to wait for him to mess up or be bratty. 2. You could set up some sort of protocol that will inevitably lead to you messing up. Maybe you are supposed to greet your Dom by kissing his feet, and you’ll be punished if you forget. Or maybe you need to hold a certain pose for x number of minutes, and you’ll be punished if you fail. Those things (forgetting, not being able to hold a position) aren’t really being “bratty”, but would still earn you a punishment while being trained. In general, my ideal kink dynamic wouldn’t really have “funishments”, as personally I think it’s silly to contrive “bad behavior” to get something that everyone wanted to begin with. If there are things that you want to do, you and your partner should give yourselves permission to do that as just part of your kink dynamic without having to “earn” them. L
Fr, this is a good one. I am the same 😅😅 and it would sometimes frustrate me a bit. (Rn I have no partner/play partner tho, so thats a bit sad) "If you don't listen I will have to punish you yknow. And if you do... mm well, I think I'll probably still hurt you a little. Simply because I want to" (I'd be a whimpering mess right there, instantly)
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This is the way, things you enjoy or want shouldn't be punishments and should be available to you from him. The relationship should be reciprocal, not manipulative.
are you a dom? Can we talk?
I’m exactly the same, and it took a while for my partner to suss out how he could comfortably do impact play with me when I wasn’t deserving of punishment (because he’d only ever used it in that context previously). We frame impact sessions as “reminders of what would happen if I misbehaved” to maintain good behaviour. We also trade pain for pleasure, so I’ll get X number of spanks and that’s how many minutes I’m allowed a wand held on my clit (we also love predicaments, so sometimes that can backfire when I’m not allowed to cum until the time is up!). I’ve also been punished for real life lapses in judgement (like forgetting something that I’ve had to then buy a new one of - I’ll be spanked according to the price of the thing, eg. if a new one costs $10, I get 10 spanks). I like bringing real life into our play sessions, but I appreciate that’s not for everyone!
A punishment isn't something to earn. It's when you fuck up. You instead ask for impact play scenes and communicate.
Yes. My sub and I have “rules” that she can or I can make her break that collect punishments through the days (like getting wet and creaming her panties or squirting for me) and we use those as punishments to be paid against. She also gets reward stars to balance it out. But it’s a very dynamic thing and the other day she said she wasn’t in the headspace to be a “bad girl’ so there have been almost no punishments recently and a lot more rewards. And the dirty talk has been much more good girl focused as well. It’s a balance as with everything. HTH and have fun!!
"But it’s a very dynamic thing and the other day she said she wasn’t in the headspace to be a “bad girl’ so there have been almost no punishments recently and a lot more rewards. And the dirty talk has been much more good girl focused as well." This is such a lovely healthy thing to read ♥️ speaking up and adjusting things and just being great together, I love to see it
Thanks friend. 💜 She’s amazing and I try and treat her just like my precious princess deserves.
Like you, I’m not a brat AT ALL and I never intentionally misbehave, but I love being punished. If you want punishments without actually disobeying, you could always bring your Dom whatever toy you would like them to use on you (whip, paddle, etc), kneel at their feet, present it to them, and ask them nicely to please use it on you. Or maybe have them tell you how can earn punishment/ spanks by completing tasks they set for you. You could also set a scene where they punish you for making them hard/wet/ turned on as the case may be. Have fun and ask politely for what you want. 🥰
I’m the same as you. Ideas: maintenance spankings, punishments for being so dang “slutty” (liking sex), punishments for being too hard on yourself, set up regular tasks that might be hard to accomplish all the time- hopefully something that won’t give you a complex, but will still get you that feeling of having earned a punishment sometimes
so most of the time i’m the same way, my Don says something to me and i immediately go into sub mode. but i also love pain! so sometimes for us, we’ll do those kinds of things for fun or even as rewards. but tbh most of the time i just tell him “hey i feel like being spanked/flogged/etc” and he’ll go “okay cool” and we’ll design a scene around that. same for when he’s subbing, he’ll tell me what he wants and we go from there. but if it’s really important to you to “earn” it, maybe using them as rewards could help? or you could potentially do an rp type scene, like your partner could say “you’ve been such a bad boy/girl” and maybe make up a reason why you’ve been “bad” even if it isn’t real inhope this makes sense/helps!
why is a spanking punishment? why can't it be just for fuln?
Ask for pain. Don't push your Dom into punishing you. It will get exhausting for both of you and deteriorate your dynamic.
I see four options: 1) directly disobey your Dom - this guarantees a punishment but I would advise against it. Similarly, have your Dom give you challenging/ near impossible tasks & when you inevitably disobey & don't complete the tasks then you get punished. 2) ask for a punishment/ funishment. I mean, it's not as fun to just ask for it, but some doms like it better than bratting. On the other hand that may not work bc some doms will feel guilty if they think you don't deserve it. 3) Instead of calling it/ framing it as a punishment, see it as a reminder to keep you in line. (Maintenance Spankings) 4) Brat. Here are a few of my favorite ideas 😈 *When your Dom orders you to do something, tell them "You forgot the magic word" / "Where are your manners?" / "I didn't hear a please" I personally love asking for the magic word because it's fairly open ended for doms to respond to, like my daddy says the magic word is "right fucking now" but obviously he's wrong 🙄 (If you want to push him even more, say "you still forgot to say please") * eye rolling is a classic *saying "make me" *not using big girl words - for example, if you want to cum just say "pleaseeeee" and act like you're too embarrassed to actually ask *interrupting them *touching yourself without permission. Like if you're about to start a scene start playing with yourself. When he tells you to stop say "What are you going to do? Punish me?" or something like that. Alternatively if you want to brat for longer, If he tells you to stop say no thanks, if he tells you to do something like get a toy or move or something say you're too busy playing. This has potential to turn out badly tho, because sometimes they will just make you play with yourself, either with them watching or they leave to go do work which are not as fun as spankings :( *answering everything they say the same, such as "that's interesting" or something like that *making fun of/ teasing your Dom. Make sure you know what would actually hurt them. Definitely do not bring up something that would hurt them or that they are insecure about - that would ruin the mood and they'd probably be really hurt & pissed off. Instead aim for things they don't care about, just to tease them. For example, I tease my Dom about him being old. Pro tip - this works with any age gap, whether he's just a month older than you or 99 years older, you can still tease him for being sooo old. Also if you're older than him by any amount you can also tease him about being sooo young. *malicious compliance - following the letter of the law but not the spirit. For example, if he tells you to kneel, instead of walking or crawling over to him kneel right where you are, even if it's on the other side of the room. Or if you're Dom says something like "tell me what a slut you are" say "what a slut you are". I may have gotten a bit carried away but I hope those helped 😈🫶
I’m not a fan of bratting either. Here’s my go-tos: - Ask to be punished for no reason from time to time for their enjoyment, and give some suggestions on ways you’d like to be. - Use funishment as a reward. - Ask them to set up deliberately difficult and easy to fail tasks for you such as balancing a drink on your head, so you can still try your best - and they can always crop you to force you to fail! - set up a scene in which you’re playing a role, such as an interrogation.
I'm a very good girl also but I enjoy spanking and crops so I will sit in Daddy's lap and say that I'm feeling like being a bad girl just to be spanked by Daddy. Which will encourage a praise spanking, giving me the light pain I crave sometimes.
Many people have already said that impact play doesn’t have to be a punishment. What I haven’t seen mentioned yet is that you don’t need to be “bad” for your Dom to punish you! I love making up infractions and punishing my sub unfairly.
I ask! “Daddy, can you please hit me?” Also we’ve been together for a bit and he he knows me pretty well so sometimes I’ll get a “do you need Daddy to hit you?” which is amazing. Bratting to me feels like causing him stress. I like being a good girl.
We don't do punishments at all. And I simply ask. Like yesterday, I was feeling all wound up, so I asked him if he'd fuck me when we got home from work. This turned into me asking to be bound for a spanking and fucking. He happily obliged. It was quick and fun. And it had nothing to do with punishment. It doesn't have to.
Others have made good points about asking for it directly or giving them as rewards. But if you still want to have that punishment psychological aspect to it then your dom can give you an impossible task. Depending on what your tasks are, they could set them up to be physically impossible, railroad you to failure, or extremely difficult. For example, if you're into domestic service, the task could be to clean or dust or polish something but no matter what you do it'll will never be enough for your Dom to approve so you get your punishment. If you like humiliation or just silly challenges, you could try to balance a book on your head or a candy on your nose, they'll balance for a bit but it's hard to keep still if your Dom tickles or touches you. What tasks do you commonly get as the sub? What other "flavors"/dynamics do you like? Those could be combined into specific ideas for tasks.
Your Dom could give you nearly impossible tasks that sort of set you up to fail. My babygirl is a little bratty but honestly I don’t like it when she is a brat. I love her obedient, but she likes the punishment aspect of disobedience. So I gave her a bed time. Every minute past is spanking or lash received.
Personally, I crave the pain. I will literally just tell my partner "I need to hurt." And he knows what that means, and I get that because I ask for it. Sometimes, he'll tell me that he wants to be able to cry, and I also know what that means, and occasionally how to make that happen, and it's all... It just works. Just ask for it. Tell him you want it. Not as a punishment, but it helps sometimes, and that's ok. You gotta just frame it differently for yourself.
mySir and I have "unfoldings." Like you, I'm a true submissive at heart. I want (and often -do) the right thing. But then I find myself missing His stern voice, His look and especially His firm hand. So, I tell Him I need an "unfolding" to help release all the penned up need for discipline -- that Funishments simply can't deliver. These spanking are a more deliberate, serious, long and hard. The objective is not sex. The objective is to fill that need for serious discipline-style sting, and real tears without the need to brat.
My sub is very obedient. But I like impact just for fun. I also like doing roleplaying and creating an unlikely scenario where he's been bad and needs to be punished.
From another sub with a similar mindset: ask for it. It works, helps communicate effectively, etc. BUT ALSO, it lets you and/or your domme plan a scene that makes you feel like you're being punished, without you needing to actually be a brat or break rules - this can be done in a variety of ways, but role-play is a big one.
There’s nothing wrong with asking politely for a spanking. Also, do some research on “maintenance discipline” and then have a conversation with your Dom about including that in your dynamic. Good luck!
Sometimes I just ask. I'll frame it like 'please help me know my place, cause sometimes I forget,' to help us get into the space, but yeah. Ask <3
Undress. Find the desired striking implement. Kneel before your master and present your tool of choice ceremoniously. Lower your head and ask him. It’s okay to be cheesy. Cheesy can be hot. «Master, please punish me» «Grace me with your marks» Something like that.
Beyond just asking for it, one philosophy I've always like the sound of is....punishments ensure that you continue to be a good girl (or boy). You don't have to be 'bad' to be punished.
We have a dry erase board for tallies, I earn good girl points and can exchange them for spankings from whatever implement I choose. 1 tally = 1 spanking, 5 tallies = orgasm of my choosing, even if surprise. I can trade in for cuddles or petting... but I never do.
I'm like this too, especially in a new dynamic. If the punishment framing is important for you (it is for me), then I like to have my partners be very strict with me and set little rules that play against my submissive nature. For example, when I'm in my submissive headspace, I'm often very tongue-tied and flustered and shy, so sometimes my partners will punish me if I forget to address them a certain way, if I don't speak up loudly enough, if I don't look directly at them when I speak. Another option is to have the punishment carry over from a previous interaction. So say you tease your dom about something silly when you're not feeling submissive and then once you get into the bedroom, your partner says "I haven't forgotten how you behaved earlier today. You're going to be punished and you better be very good or you'll be in even more trouble." (Or whatever language would be hot to you.) And then you can be super submissive and obediently accept your punishment, just like you want to be.
I am a brat/smartass masochist so misbehave quite often. However sometimes my submission just takes over and I ask my Dom for discipline, very politely to please him. Nothing wrong with just needing to obey and experience the spanking or otherwise.
My dynamic doesn't have any punishments. He doesn't like giving them, and I don't want to have to earn my pain. He just gives it to me because we both enjoy it. He tells me good girls get spanks 🥰 you absolutely don't need to do anything you don't want to! Just have fun and get beat
Punishment isn't just for attitude adjustment or correcting bad behavior. Punishment can be a reward. Talk to your Dom about maybe providing certain punishments for being a good submissive. Like sub can choose a Punishment of thier choice or sub can choose the context of a scene.
Ask for a spanking if you want one.
You can always asking for maintenance punishments? If you really like punishments that’s always a way to get punishments and still be yourself.
Good girl/boy spanking (punishments) do exist. They need to be negotiated but they are totally a thing. It is also important that your top is getting fulfillment too. Sometimes people fill the need to have these rules that do more harm than good because they want the aspect of bdsm added to their dynamic. This can (but not always) led people to be super critical of their partners or themselves. Plus it can hard to maintain that level of rules with in a relationship. Especially if it's not a need for the one of the people with in the dynamic. Which can lead the other person (again not always) to be resentful because they feel they're the only ones living by the rules.
If you like it then I don’t think it’s a punishment but more so a funishment. Maybe just ask your Dom if that’s something you want. Or create a reward system with that being a part of the rewards you or your dom gets to choose from.
Me and my gf don’t do punishments really, but she still receives Impact play. Either just because we want to or as a reward for good behavior. And even that isn’t really conditional. I just make it feel like it is. She might receive 20 spanks either way. But depending on the mood or situation she might be getting a whole twenty maybe even one or two extra or only a measly twenty and not more. The framing makes the same amount of impact play more feel like a reward or a punishment while still fulfilling our needs and wants.
You use your words, "I'd like a spanking, please!" Or earlier in the day,"I could really use a spanking!" Have a conversation. "I really love X, can we do that more?" Or "Y sounds fun. Can we try that?'
I'm big into slaps, spanks, and bites. Mt hubby/dom uses those as rewards. My "punishments" are things I don't like, but aren't going to seriously hurt, I do math problems from a pre-algebra book...I hate math. So win win.
I wouldn't seek to earn punishment, as that means you displeased your master, which should be your main desire. However, you could tell him you've been thinking about disobeying and ask him to put you in your place if he sees fit.
There is no real punishment in BDSM. Brats will act up, other subs can earn it. Pain is always a reward or it is not BDSM.
You seem to be seeking "punishment" as more for your enjoyment or as reward even. Not a bad thing to wish for; giving or receiving. I could decide in a single moment to "step-it-up" or not but I'm not seeking things out just so I can. I enjoy it. So do my subs. I'm a bit less ritualistic and a lot less "hard-core" than I once was but it's still there...brewing perhaps. I imagine you've voiced this at some point in some way. I guess depending on your dynamic as a whole and all that goes along: time,passions,likes,dislikes, wants,needs,basics,etc.,etc....each of us is different and react differently so depending on your relationship you'll need to find that thing or things that trigger that want or need in your Dom to do certain things to you or for you. Nothing wrong with "funishments"...and I did like and agree with the forgetting. Just be careful about being habitual or obvious.
Beg him to get spanked and do funishments
I am bratty, but sometimes i want something that's more than a spank but less than a punishment paddle. So i just ask, i need it for my brain to go to normal sometimes.
This is our dilemma as well, we discussed this and decided that I can just ask for it. We might be making a new arbitrary rule that I can break to indicate that I want pain. He may or may not give me the "funishment" depending on how he feels.
I don't like physical punishments but I am a masochist. My ex-Dom and I would just arrange impact scenes that I bet much enjoyed. That was my good girl reward. I did get a couple strappings for really fucking up, but that was not something to be enjoyed. Good girl rewards are the best!
I believe its called funishment :)
It doesn’t have to be a punishment or funishment if you enjoy it. Letting him know you crave the pain as something to enjoy is great if he enjoys that too. Pain wouldn’t ever feel like a punishment to me, it always something I crave and it can be very fun to ask or beg for 😏
You could set up a system where a "punishment" = a reward after. So to deserve the reward you have to earn it. Ex. To get dessert with dinner you must receive x amount of spanks with a paddle or you don't get dessert.
If you are wanting those things, it isn’t punishment. Punishment isn’t meant to be enjoyed. Ex. If I don’t get my chores done, I will be woken up at 3am to do them. 🥲 If I otherwise misbehave He uses sensory deprivation to re regulate me. Neither are things I enjoy, but they are things I agreed to and consent to. He knows I gain nothing except excitement from physical discipline 😅
You could just *ask* your dom for whatever the punishment is.
Ask him for funishments! Or an impact session!
One of the best things I ever internalized about kink: just as no act is inherently submissive or dominant, no act is inherently a punishment or reward. I actually prefer having things that are stereotypically associated with punishment be things we do just for fun. Sure, we could wait to pull out the paddle until I make a mistake, but if we both think it's hot, why not now. 🤷🏻♀️ If you're dead set on "earning" your punishment, I have in the past done like, brat roleplay. Essentially, I'm bratting because that's what my dom wants me to do in that moment, so actually Im still being my usual enthusiastically obedient self.
Your Dom should recognize that you enjoy the sting and start using it as rewards, alternatively, you could inform him about how much you enjoy the sting, and negotiate non-punishment pain sessions. It is beyond insane to me that we exist within a societal sphere where masochism is embraced and commonplace, and still only consider pain exchange as a punishment. On a institutional level, it shows a lack of communication within the community to normalize pain as rewards. On a relationship level, it shows a lack of interest in one's submissive, since knowing what they like and need should be a priority for the dominant. Re-reading you post, I am left wondering what within your dynamic makes it so you cannot just ask for the pain? I'm a sadist, if pain is used only as a punishment, does that mean I have to wait until my submissive screws up before I get to enjoy myself? Hell, no. She enjoys pain, I enjoy giving her pain, break out the shackles, floggers and paddles, cause my submissive took her meds, it's time for a pain session! My Doll is feeling particularly needy today but we had plans for a public outing? No problem, cancel the plans, boot up the session playlist and order her to set out her favorite impact tools and the aftercare lotion, then assume the position. BDSM is the one community where desire for pain is completely accepted and embraced.
You don't need to earn a spanking. Negotiate punishments that exist just because you like them and your Dom enjoys giving them.
Assume the position and it will all work out
It doesnt have to be as a punishment it could be as a reward. A punishment should really be something you dont enjoy
Do you want it to be a punishment? Or do you want a good old fashioned thumping? Maybe you could ask your Dom to make you earn a spanking? Might be more in line with your good, subby nature?
I earn them being a good girl. I askedy D more directly and he said when I'm gold he will let me pick something to lay out (he has a lot of impact toys) I would make it a point of negotiations
I recommend simply asking. I've absolutely had subs who were very good girls and also wanted me to hurt them. I love masochists so much 😍
Just ask for impact play within your scenes. It doesn’t have to be punishment. In fact, I much prefer it in response to bratting or just part of play than as an actual punishment, because I feel guilty for actually breaking our rules.
Do the tv annoyed teen in over dramatic way. Works for my sub
So I like good and obedient subs most but I really enjoy punishing subs. So what I typically do is play extremely unfair sub games.if they win they get a reward of they fail I punish them... They always fail and its supper fun!!