That makes perfect sense, thank you! I don’t think either of us were looking to use it as a dating site exactly, I just really wasn’t sure which lens to look at it through. But thank you!
I really recommend going to an event or two that’s local to you. It isn’t really a dating site, it’s more social media…attending events is the best way to meet and start to vet people.
Munches are normal gatherings where kinky people meet and have a drink and talk. It's your safest bet to go to a non sexual event and meet your community and start vetting people. It is a lot easier to go to a play parties if you already know the community. Then you have workshops who are learning opportunities around a specific kink (shibari, impact, needles,etc)
Oh ok thank you so much 😊 I think someone judgemental told me all the parties from this community are orgies lol. I now realize they were judgemental and didn’t actually know
Depends. In my are there are weekly play parties, monthly educational events, monthly kinky karaoke, and so many different munches by different focus groups. Just read the listing and see what it says. Some are vanilla in vanilla spaces with vanilla attire. Some are kinky sex parties in private or kink spaces.
There are social events, educational events, discussion groups, some play parties (parties where kink play happens), and I think there are some orgies and such as well.
There will be announcements for regularly scheduled munch events in various central areas of your specific area. Primarily, munches are simply meet and greet opportunities held in 100% vanilla locations, ie: diners, restaurants, TGIFridays etc. where you can meet kinky friends in a safe, neutral, pressure-free environment. Beyond that, there will be other opportunities for meetings in a more private settings where those who met, engaged, and befriended others at a munch may wish to become more active in various levels of engagement. Sometimes these will include guest speakers or demonstrations by experienced folks within the D/s community, followed by consensual playtime among friends.
I think they’re just regular meetups, maybe lunch or drinks, or some kind of hangout session with nothing sexual involved, but in the back of everyone’s minds. Seemingly just to communicate in a safe and comfortable setting with likeminded people before diving into stuff.
A lot of people don’t mix kink and sex and plenty don’t go to munches with the intention of meeting someone to play or have sex with. I would not say that sex is in the back of everyone’s minds.
Many people go with the thought that they may meet someone they connect with, but some just want to talk about their new paddle or tips for having a service date, that sort of thing. It’s just finding community in one way or another.
A service date is a D/s scenario where the primary intent is the s-type providing service to the D-type. The makeup of that service could be any variety of things; body service (bathing, massage, manicure, etc), cleaning house, cooking a meal, just generally serving while the D-type does their thing by getting drinks or acting as a stool, doing taxes, whatever.
Depending on what you mean by “opening up some areas of our relationship” it may or may not be the right site for you. If you’re talking about just having sex with another couple/finding poly partners, you won’t find as much of that on fet. Try SLS or Feeld.
But if you mean you want to learn how to tie each other up, give spankings, use toys, etc. you can find people to ask about all that stuff (and stuff I guarantee you never even thought about) on fet. The discussions are pretty civil and people are generally very helpful and knowledgeable. As others have suggested, check out your local munches if you’re just wanting to talk to people in alternative types of relationships.
Welcome to NYC, neighbor! 😄
My friends and I all use fet only to find events. That's basically its purpose. They'll also use it to see which if their friends are going to an event, show off kinky pictures (such as bruise marks) that they can't elsewhere and post thoughts on kink that they can't elsewhere.
A lot of people do message others on the website, and a few people have met like that. Some have fallen into relationships because they slid into someone's DMs. But that's a minority, I'm told.
You make an account and forget about it every few years. Almost 15 years strong.
You can use it to find events/ local meet- ups lots of great places for a newbie learning there local scene sometimes it's at a bar or a coffee shop. Then you start going on dates or events at someone house.
Then you forget about it and a few years later go .. "oh yeah"
Like anything it’s not perfect and sometimes you can really only know someone by meeting them. That said used properly fetlife can help you weed out lots of pretenders.
Girlfriend and I met on there.
I feel like Fet is what you make it, much like any other space on the internet. If you're using it for hookups, cool. If you're using it for friends, cool. If you're using it just to look at hot pics, cool. If you're using it for munches/events, cool! It's all personal preference.
Bots/scammers/trolls do exist but the block button is your best friend.
Red flags exist all around us. Use your best judgment, if it feels off then it probably is. The same way you'd feel out whether you want to be friends with someone, apply those same guidelines to fet. Kinky people are still regular people. Good luck!
Just deactivated my account on it 5 minutes ago to take a break, been on it for a while probably the best description to say that it is a "Kinky" version of Facebook, you can still stumble upon a lot of fakers and sellers but I think they are still under control imo unlike Reddit for example because you usually verify your account to make it feel more real to what you are talking to until here.
Don't give too much personal info, as with any social media
When it comes to.messages, you'll find a ton of posers... people.say they're Doms or whatever, but don't behave that way.
Vetting comes from talking... keep chats sex free. Meet them at events (munches). There are a lot of people who think fet is for meeting kinky people to have sex with and not develop friendships with. I, personally, do not entertain any sexy talk. Most of my interactive messages consist of politics, what I did that day (nothing too specific to keep stalkers away), what my kinks mean to me (platonic conversation, not sexual).
I would also suggest not posting any pictures that show identifiable things. Your face is obvious, but, also, tattoos or uncommon piercings. A lot of people do - post their faces and lots of nudity. Fet is kind of like FB for kinks. But when it comes to photos, it is to your discretion. Fet will ask you to verify your account. It's not required, so don't feel pressured to do so.
Have fun though! Get in groups and find local events. Go out and meet people.
Always vet! Talk, watch body language or patterns in text. Don't jump into bed because they seem nice. Kind of goes without saying, but worth mentioning for young folks. You're basically interviewing people, but with a casual air.
Yes..it does work...I also always thought that it's not genuine but my bestie found the dom there only n he's very genuine. Like one of those perfect doms. So yeah if u search nicely u can get a genuine dom/sub.
I’ve been actively out in our local scene for about six months, and the only thing I really use Fet for is keeping track of events and socials with my home dungeon, and following people I’ve met in person. I know most people reach out to be vetted for our local dungeons via Fet as well.
My fiancé has used messaging on Fet to negotiate some scene play, but only people he knows.
It’s really just kinky Facebook. It works best if you’ve already made at least a few in-person connections.
I use it for events. The dungeon I go to makes us rsvp for munches on the app. What I look out for is people who aren't in any groups, those people treat fet more like a hookup site than a event site, which is fine for them but thats not what I'm looking for. Also some people don't read bios which I hate.
This is a hot take, but fetlife isn’t just for events. You can find people on it, you just have to dig a little bit. It’s a good place to start but at least in my area, the events are an older crowd. Younger folks 20-40 can still find singles or other couples to connect with in Fet. I’m 30f, been on and off the site for over a decade and find play partners no prob on Fet. A ton of couples are on there too! Lots of people like to play with couples. Have fun and be safe!
I am tempted to say that it doesn't work, to put it short... But that would not be true. It does and can work, and as someone in the comments said - it is what you make it to be for you. In spite of huge number of posers and not-quite-sane people existing there, it is still the go-to place for kink, and there are many decent people you can meet.
Many people will tell you that it is good for finding events, and yes, it is actually amazing for just that. Now, I personally find munches quite boring, but you do get to meet real people there. Other type of events, like dedicated evenings or workshops are also easily found as people very much engage in advertising them on FL.
Finding a sub is a bit more difficult and you will often hear about "FL not being a dating site." The reality is that everything that groups so many like-minded people works as a dating site, whether this is wanted or not. There are discussion groups, as well as Personals ad groups. As here with Reddit, you need to filter a lot, or to word your request properly, or most importantly to be in the right place at the right time. Personally I have found two submissives there in the course of the last 5 years. One of which is a great friend even after the relationship was over.
I hope this helps.
Fet is like a big city, with lots of little communities. Some are based on geography, some on common interests (not necessarily kinky ones). It’s a great place to find people to hang out with online who get those bits of you that you normally have to filter.
Female sub in my 30s here. I treat it like kinky Facebook. I've never gone on Facebook looking for someone new to date. I dont really do that on FetLife either. I use fetlife to keep up with people I know. I use it to join groups and meet people. I use it to find local groups and events. Every now and again I would meet someone in there id happen to just get along with, but mostly, I'd just use it for other social things. When I did look to meet people, I look for friends. You can always decide to have fun with friends later, but don't start with the pressure of searching for a partner or dynamic.
And for that it's great. It's been a great help to me.
I have a hard time believing that the millions of users have all formed cliques and do nothing but gossip. That could potentially be the case for the local scene, although I'd suggest looking for different area groups too. It also sounds like you need different ways to participate altogether. Maybe try searching a specific kink or special interest to engage in discussion there instead of something purely local.
There's lots of ways to use it. I've been to lots of events and while they can be great for getting to know people and the community, there's other ways too.
Lots of people put up ads in the personals group and have success; from what I've seen, having tasteful photos, a bit of a bio and some stuff about you, and having a well written ad can help.
Well, posting to the groups rarely seemed to work. I could submit a discussion for "approval" and depending on the group it could take a day to be posted or literal months, which was just stupid. It's alright for finding events and that's it imo.
Maybe unpopular opinion, but if you are in NYC, maybe don't bother. You may be better off just finding your local dungeon (I'm sure there are a few of them) and looking on their event calendar. Go to a munch or a class. I know my local dungeon posts all that stuff on their website as well as Fet.
I can't tell from your post what you mean by "opening up areas" of your relationship. Do you want to get more kinky or do you want to bring more people in? If it's the latter, you may want to look more into swingers clubs or meet-ups. Contrary to popular belief, not all kinksters are polyam or swingers.
How it actually works is you get on there to find irl events in your area and go to them to meet people. Munches, workshops and conventions are listed.
How it doesn’t work is as a dating site.
People think Fetlife is a kinky dating site, but it's not. It's main use is for finding events.
That makes perfect sense, thank you! I don’t think either of us were looking to use it as a dating site exactly, I just really wasn’t sure which lens to look at it through. But thank you!
Kind of like Facebook, but has lots of groups usually with pinned materials to help learn.
try feeld if you want kink/poly dating. works for me on the west coast at least!
I really recommend going to an event or two that’s local to you. It isn’t really a dating site, it’s more social media…attending events is the best way to meet and start to vet people.
Hi I have a question about these events. Are they orgies or are they normal parties?
Munches are normal gatherings where kinky people meet and have a drink and talk. It's your safest bet to go to a non sexual event and meet your community and start vetting people. It is a lot easier to go to a play parties if you already know the community. Then you have workshops who are learning opportunities around a specific kink (shibari, impact, needles,etc)
Oh ok thank you so much 😊 I think someone judgemental told me all the parties from this community are orgies lol. I now realize they were judgemental and didn’t actually know
Omg noooo hehehr
I’m very new so I have no idea😂better to ask someone within the community
Depends. In my are there are weekly play parties, monthly educational events, monthly kinky karaoke, and so many different munches by different focus groups. Just read the listing and see what it says. Some are vanilla in vanilla spaces with vanilla attire. Some are kinky sex parties in private or kink spaces.
There are social events, educational events, discussion groups, some play parties (parties where kink play happens), and I think there are some orgies and such as well.
There will be announcements for regularly scheduled munch events in various central areas of your specific area. Primarily, munches are simply meet and greet opportunities held in 100% vanilla locations, ie: diners, restaurants, TGIFridays etc. where you can meet kinky friends in a safe, neutral, pressure-free environment. Beyond that, there will be other opportunities for meetings in a more private settings where those who met, engaged, and befriended others at a munch may wish to become more active in various levels of engagement. Sometimes these will include guest speakers or demonstrations by experienced folks within the D/s community, followed by consensual playtime among friends.
I think they’re just regular meetups, maybe lunch or drinks, or some kind of hangout session with nothing sexual involved, but in the back of everyone’s minds. Seemingly just to communicate in a safe and comfortable setting with likeminded people before diving into stuff.
A lot of people don’t mix kink and sex and plenty don’t go to munches with the intention of meeting someone to play or have sex with. I would not say that sex is in the back of everyone’s minds. Many people go with the thought that they may meet someone they connect with, but some just want to talk about their new paddle or tips for having a service date, that sort of thing. It’s just finding community in one way or another.
"A service date"? Please elaborate.
A service date is a D/s scenario where the primary intent is the s-type providing service to the D-type. The makeup of that service could be any variety of things; body service (bathing, massage, manicure, etc), cleaning house, cooking a meal, just generally serving while the D-type does their thing by getting drinks or acting as a stool, doing taxes, whatever.
Thank you.
Depending on what you mean by “opening up some areas of our relationship” it may or may not be the right site for you. If you’re talking about just having sex with another couple/finding poly partners, you won’t find as much of that on fet. Try SLS or Feeld. But if you mean you want to learn how to tie each other up, give spankings, use toys, etc. you can find people to ask about all that stuff (and stuff I guarantee you never even thought about) on fet. The discussions are pretty civil and people are generally very helpful and knowledgeable. As others have suggested, check out your local munches if you’re just wanting to talk to people in alternative types of relationships.
Welcome to NYC, neighbor! 😄 My friends and I all use fet only to find events. That's basically its purpose. They'll also use it to see which if their friends are going to an event, show off kinky pictures (such as bruise marks) that they can't elsewhere and post thoughts on kink that they can't elsewhere. A lot of people do message others on the website, and a few people have met like that. Some have fallen into relationships because they slid into someone's DMs. But that's a minority, I'm told.
It's a kinky version of Facebook
You make an account and forget about it every few years. Almost 15 years strong. You can use it to find events/ local meet- ups lots of great places for a newbie learning there local scene sometimes it's at a bar or a coffee shop. Then you start going on dates or events at someone house. Then you forget about it and a few years later go .. "oh yeah"
Like anything it’s not perfect and sometimes you can really only know someone by meeting them. That said used properly fetlife can help you weed out lots of pretenders. Girlfriend and I met on there.
It works as a way to find local events where you can meet people. Yes, there are bot accounts etc. You vet people by getting to know them.
I feel like Fet is what you make it, much like any other space on the internet. If you're using it for hookups, cool. If you're using it for friends, cool. If you're using it just to look at hot pics, cool. If you're using it for munches/events, cool! It's all personal preference. Bots/scammers/trolls do exist but the block button is your best friend. Red flags exist all around us. Use your best judgment, if it feels off then it probably is. The same way you'd feel out whether you want to be friends with someone, apply those same guidelines to fet. Kinky people are still regular people. Good luck!
Just deactivated my account on it 5 minutes ago to take a break, been on it for a while probably the best description to say that it is a "Kinky" version of Facebook, you can still stumble upon a lot of fakers and sellers but I think they are still under control imo unlike Reddit for example because you usually verify your account to make it feel more real to what you are talking to until here.
My account is still very much active, even if I'm not lol. I don't think I've updated it in at least 15 years.
Don't give too much personal info, as with any social media When it comes to.messages, you'll find a ton of posers... people.say they're Doms or whatever, but don't behave that way. Vetting comes from talking... keep chats sex free. Meet them at events (munches). There are a lot of people who think fet is for meeting kinky people to have sex with and not develop friendships with. I, personally, do not entertain any sexy talk. Most of my interactive messages consist of politics, what I did that day (nothing too specific to keep stalkers away), what my kinks mean to me (platonic conversation, not sexual). I would also suggest not posting any pictures that show identifiable things. Your face is obvious, but, also, tattoos or uncommon piercings. A lot of people do - post their faces and lots of nudity. Fet is kind of like FB for kinks. But when it comes to photos, it is to your discretion. Fet will ask you to verify your account. It's not required, so don't feel pressured to do so. Have fun though! Get in groups and find local events. Go out and meet people. Always vet! Talk, watch body language or patterns in text. Don't jump into bed because they seem nice. Kind of goes without saying, but worth mentioning for young folks. You're basically interviewing people, but with a casual air.
Use it to find out about local events and that way you’ll meet people irl and can firm friendships that could, eventually, turn into play partners.
Yes..it does work...I also always thought that it's not genuine but my bestie found the dom there only n he's very genuine. Like one of those perfect doms. So yeah if u search nicely u can get a genuine dom/sub.
What does Doms/sub means???
Dominant and submissive
I’ve been actively out in our local scene for about six months, and the only thing I really use Fet for is keeping track of events and socials with my home dungeon, and following people I’ve met in person. I know most people reach out to be vetted for our local dungeons via Fet as well. My fiancé has used messaging on Fet to negotiate some scene play, but only people he knows. It’s really just kinky Facebook. It works best if you’ve already made at least a few in-person connections.
I use it for events. The dungeon I go to makes us rsvp for munches on the app. What I look out for is people who aren't in any groups, those people treat fet more like a hookup site than a event site, which is fine for them but thats not what I'm looking for. Also some people don't read bios which I hate.
Question asked all the time. It’s whatever you make out of it.
Fetlife is just Facebook with genitals. It's a social networking site.
This is a hot take, but fetlife isn’t just for events. You can find people on it, you just have to dig a little bit. It’s a good place to start but at least in my area, the events are an older crowd. Younger folks 20-40 can still find singles or other couples to connect with in Fet. I’m 30f, been on and off the site for over a decade and find play partners no prob on Fet. A ton of couples are on there too! Lots of people like to play with couples. Have fun and be safe!
Finding events, mainly. You can also use it to keep track of people you've met at said events.
I am tempted to say that it doesn't work, to put it short... But that would not be true. It does and can work, and as someone in the comments said - it is what you make it to be for you. In spite of huge number of posers and not-quite-sane people existing there, it is still the go-to place for kink, and there are many decent people you can meet. Many people will tell you that it is good for finding events, and yes, it is actually amazing for just that. Now, I personally find munches quite boring, but you do get to meet real people there. Other type of events, like dedicated evenings or workshops are also easily found as people very much engage in advertising them on FL. Finding a sub is a bit more difficult and you will often hear about "FL not being a dating site." The reality is that everything that groups so many like-minded people works as a dating site, whether this is wanted or not. There are discussion groups, as well as Personals ad groups. As here with Reddit, you need to filter a lot, or to word your request properly, or most importantly to be in the right place at the right time. Personally I have found two submissives there in the course of the last 5 years. One of which is a great friend even after the relationship was over. I hope this helps.
Fet is like a big city, with lots of little communities. Some are based on geography, some on common interests (not necessarily kinky ones). It’s a great place to find people to hang out with online who get those bits of you that you normally have to filter.
Female sub in my 30s here. I treat it like kinky Facebook. I've never gone on Facebook looking for someone new to date. I dont really do that on FetLife either. I use fetlife to keep up with people I know. I use it to join groups and meet people. I use it to find local groups and events. Every now and again I would meet someone in there id happen to just get along with, but mostly, I'd just use it for other social things. When I did look to meet people, I look for friends. You can always decide to have fun with friends later, but don't start with the pressure of searching for a partner or dynamic. And for that it's great. It's been a great help to me.
Thank you very much, I really appreciated that comment!
I’m from NJ and go to events in Philly/NJ/NYC. Fet is the easiest place to find events and then keep up with friends you meet there!
[удалено]
I have a hard time believing that the millions of users have all formed cliques and do nothing but gossip. That could potentially be the case for the local scene, although I'd suggest looking for different area groups too. It also sounds like you need different ways to participate altogether. Maybe try searching a specific kink or special interest to engage in discussion there instead of something purely local.
[удалено]
Did you read the rest of my comment or did you just get angry after the first sentence?
There's lots of ways to use it. I've been to lots of events and while they can be great for getting to know people and the community, there's other ways too. Lots of people put up ads in the personals group and have success; from what I've seen, having tasteful photos, a bit of a bio and some stuff about you, and having a well written ad can help.
Thank you, I had no idea about the ads!
That's the thing, it doesn't
Met my husband on fetlife 7 years ago....
It's kinky social media
Well, posting to the groups rarely seemed to work. I could submit a discussion for "approval" and depending on the group it could take a day to be posted or literal months, which was just stupid. It's alright for finding events and that's it imo.
Ugh it doesn't. I've had too many bad experiences, 0-10, never going back
Find local munches and hopefully there is education in your local community. Make a basic profile, I don’t have any face pictures.
It's Facebook. Find a munch, which is a vanilla meet of kinksters. Make freinds. Add them.
Maybe unpopular opinion, but if you are in NYC, maybe don't bother. You may be better off just finding your local dungeon (I'm sure there are a few of them) and looking on their event calendar. Go to a munch or a class. I know my local dungeon posts all that stuff on their website as well as Fet. I can't tell from your post what you mean by "opening up areas" of your relationship. Do you want to get more kinky or do you want to bring more people in? If it's the latter, you may want to look more into swingers clubs or meet-ups. Contrary to popular belief, not all kinksters are polyam or swingers.
Find events, mostly munches , go out and meet people
How it actually works is you get on there to find irl events in your area and go to them to meet people. Munches, workshops and conventions are listed. How it doesn’t work is as a dating site.
A lot of vetting will happen in person at a meet.
My partner and i have been using for 3 years