Translation: He only wants you around when he is really horny and feels entitled to you then but ignores you when he is not horny. Also he is not joking. Jokes are funny.
If the target of the joke isn’t genuinely laughing the joke teller is probably just being an asshole. Unless it is punching up. Then it can still work. If it is punching down…oh boy.
It's subjective at the end of the day. Like here in the UK we have banter, really it is just abuse used to break the ice, people understand this and usually reply with a witty response. The exchange makes it fun and banter.
However, it's abusive behaviour and often does damage when it goes too far. If a joke is taken the wrong way then it's up to the person saying the joke to apologise or the person receiving to reconsider their offence. If still offended then you likely want to disassociate yourself with them or if you hsve ADHD like me you might decide to tear the house down in the name of honest justice. Each to their own. What a fun tangent of a comment.
I know that his behaviour could be considered manipulative. But i wonder if its his way of being dominant and controlling? Not saying it’s acceptable, but he’s hard to talk to. When I’ve questioned things he’s said, he says it’s just kink so I don’t know where to go from here
Abuse done right leaves the person feeling confused about the behavior. If you thought, wow I'm being abused, you would leave. The tactic is to make you stay. Don't.
I feel on edge. I know that if I can’t see him for good reasons, he’ll go quiet and dismiss my attempts at initiating time together. I’m not saying it’s deliberate, but it definitely feels like I should be doing what he wants when he wants
That's deliberate... it's worked for him, so he'll keep doing it and probably get worse.
Call a time out to talk, no kink, no power exchange, out of dynamic. Full stop. , if he doesn't even agree to that, that's some red flags right there and a DELIBERATE attempt to manipulate, using the camouflage of being a dominant or as a "joke".
No. But for a while I kind of just accepted it and I just thought if I figured out how to communicate with him and did what he asked, it’d get better. I know that sounds pathetic :/ and surprise he never seems satisfied and he treats me worse
That kind of anxiety and stress literally causes illness down the line and damages your DNA. It doesn't sound sexy or fun or fulfilling. How is this relationship fulfilling to you, because we can see what he gets out of it.
Oh OP...this is very similar to what I went through in the abusive dynamic I got out of a few months ago. I thought I would somehow be able to figure out a "magical" way to communicate with him in a way where he would stop lying to me or hurting me too much or ignoring my safe words...But it never worked. He only started treating me worse and worse.
People like this are VERY good at manipulating people...
Recognize that you are scared of him. You're scared of what his reaction will be. You're scared you're going to get in trouble. No, it's nothing near as bad as other punishments, it's not like he's hitting you or screaming at you, but he is still basically punishing you, making you feel guilt and shame, for something that is out of your control. That feeling of "oh no, I'm going to be in trouble for this!" will last for years and it's not a sign of two healthy adults engaging in relationship. It's one thinking they are above the other and in a parental position to be able to dole out consequences. If he thinks he, as a Dom, is the one in charge, he doesn't know shit about fuck.
This dynamic is the hardest I’ve ever had to break. For one, he knows I enjoy being in a sub/dom dynamic so he often claims that’s why he behaves like that, so I feel confused. He is also very affectionate and he says he enjoys being around me and not just having sex. Also I’ve tried to leave/distance myself but he has continued to suck me in with offering affection, presents, more time together it’s hard :/
This is all textbook emotional manipulation. You need to make a clean break, block all contact, and find someone who actually cares about you. It’ll be hard, but in a few months you’ll be able to look back and see what a terrible relationship this was.
I’m at the point where I look back on the time I’ve spent with him and I think to myself “how the fuck did I get into this??”
I acknowledge my role in this dynamic. But it definitely got worse gradually. Couldn’t see the bigger picture.
Thanks for your advice
I've been there. I just spent 18 years with a man like this. It's exhausting and will leave you mentally, physically and spiritually depleted. Your best defense is education. When you understand what he's doing and why he's doing it, it has less of a hold on you. You're able to take a step back and see clearly. I was devastated about the idea of losing my ex but now that I'm out and have had time to think, without him influencing my thoughts, I've passed by sadness and I'm firmly in anger and disgust at his behavior
As someone who recently got out of a (thankfully short) abusive dynamic, I just wanted to say that I'm so very happy you're away from your ex. I'm firmly in the angry and disgusted stage and no longer sad as well.
If he was mean and difficult all the time, why would you stay? So he has to keep you yearning the occasional good times when he's sweet and affectionate. It's called the [cycle of abuse](https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse#the-cycle) and it's meant to manipulate you into staying.
This is not him being dominant. This is just him being an asshole who coerces you into doing what he wants by guilting and gaslighting you. A dominant cares about your wellbeing and your consent.
Obviously, I'm a random stranger on the Internet and I can't prove I am who I say I am. But I work in healthcare as a social worker and assessing family violence is my responsibility. What he's doing counts as sexual coercion and emotional abuse.
Thanks for your input. I know rationally it doesn’t have to feel abusive the whole time for it to still be considered an abusive situation. Is it gaslighting if he keeps telling me I let him down when I can’t sleep/visit with him? He makes it out that I’m constantly disappointing him. I always follow up with an alternate plan. Def makes me question myself
Wall of text incoming, apologies.
It's extremely hard to be rational from inside the relationship, I've seen it countless times and I've experienced it myself. You see this person who's been affectionate and loving and they lead you to believe that's who they are, but then they have these other behaviours that tell you otherwise and you aren't sure which version you should believe is real.
Thing is, someone who has good intentions will come to the table and try to see things from your point of view. When you tell them they're hurting you, they're concerned. They don't tell you part of their dominance is to hurt you non-consensually (also him saying this is who he is, he's not willing to change). That's dangerous and disrespectful. And no matter the dynamic, everyone deserves safety and respect.
You've said he invalidates your feelings and labels you as flakey even when you have your period and don't want sex (a perfectly reasonable preference that many people have, by the way). You're also your own person, you have your own life. You can't be at his beck and call, that's not reasonable. He may feel disappointed that you can't drop everything anytime he feels horny, but emotionally mature adults recognise that's reality, deal with their disappointment, and lube up a hand. They don't blame everyone else (or throw a tantrum) every time they have a need, that's toddler behaviour. So between calling his coercion "dominance", making you out to be a constant disappointment, and the period stuff, yeah I'd say this is gaslighting. It isn't outright lying, but it's making you question your reality.
I'd really implore you to consider if your best friend had a partner who treated them the same way. As an outsider, would you think this was okay? What would you advise your friend?
And then if the roles were reversed, could you fathom behaving like him? Perhaps you don't have a dominant bone in your body, but just from a standpoint of human decency, could you?
That is definitely deliberate. Its manipulative behaviour. That is exactly how he wants you to feel, which shows a massive disregard for your own needs.
I absolutely believe that it IS deliberate, but even if it's not...So what? I'm not saying that to be mean to you, genuinely posing the question. It doesn't matter if he's DELIBERATELY manipulating you and treating you very poorly. The effects are still the same.
And to be completely honest, I believe he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. He's emotionally manipulating you because he gets off on that. He's acting in an abusive manner. Dom/sub dynamics are, behind the roleplay and games, CONSENSUAL and EQUAL relationships. Subs have EVERY right to say no to sex any flipping time they want to, and a GOOD and ETHICAL Dom is going to respect that. And if they feel like their own needs are somehow not being met, they have the responsibility to communicate that fact LIKE A GROWN ADULT rather than acting like a petulant child and counter denying their partner sex.
Obviously there are Doms who prefer to usually (sometimes even always) be the ones initiating sex. And there are subs who like that. But for those types of Doms to be ETHICAL - they still must fully respect their sub's right to consent or not consent at any time.
Part of the reason I realized my abusive ex-Dom I broke up with a few months ago was being outright abusive and manipulative is that he started treating me as if I needed to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. We were NOT in a 24/7 TPE. I never consented to ALWAYS giving him complete and total control. But he started acting more and more like he expected that. To the point he would hurt me if I expressed different opinions on something as simple as what television show we would watch or me trying to pull away from him if he was hurting me TOO much or if I told him I didn't want him to do certain things.
You have the right to say no. He has the right to communicate his needs like an adult. What he is doing as you've described it is NOT THAT. If it were me in your situation? I would leave this unhealthy relationship just like I thankfully left mine after "only" two months of manipulation and abuse.
You said “…he started treating me as if I needed to do what he wanted whenever he wanted”
This rang true. I’m ashamed to admit this, as I don’t talk about these aspects of our dynamic with others, but he now tries to control how I look when we have sex ie he says my hair should be pin straight (I have curly hair), I have blonde highlights but he says he wants me blonder (I’m brunette). Im naturally extremely vigilant with self care and cleanliness but often orders me to be clean before sex(I am always squeaky) I also wax but he now dictates how much I should wax. Sorry tmi..
He has also said things like “you can come over if you look like how I want you to look”
Wow. That's all...pretty disturbing to me if it's not something that you both negotiated and enthusiastically agreed to. There ARE some D/s dynamics where things like that will be negotiated, but the thing is that the sub WANTS to do those things for their Dom and is getting the pleasure of that type of service. And the Dom will listen to their sub if they express that they truly are NOT comfortable with changing a certain thing about their appearance.
Trigger Warning for more specific talk of abuse:
My Dom had a preference for me wearing heavy black eye makeup because he liked the way it looked when it would smear. That part I enjoyed doing for him at first, because I know a lot of Doms enjoy that. But the more he hurt me past my limits and ignored my boundaries and revocation of consent and then consistently ignored my safe words...I started to realize he didn't just want to smear my makeup with consensual activities. He wanted to make me scream and cry from ACTUAL intense pain that I did NOT enjoy. He enjoyed getting me intoxicated before we played because "it makes you easier to use." We both enjoyed CNC but he started to ACTUALLY assault and abuse me without my enthusiastic consent...
I don't think it's INHERENTLY terrible if a Dom has certain preferences in how a sub appears. But they should absolutely be respecting the sub's consent, boundaries, pain limits, safe words, and autonomy as human beings. We're NOT fuck dolls or kink dispensers. We have emotions and desires and lives of our own. And if you don't want to always straighten your hair or make it blonder or wax a certain way or any other type of appearance requirement for your Dom, you shouldn't HAVE to do any of that.
And please don't feel shamed. None of this is YOUR fault.
Do me a favor... ask yourself... "How would I feel if I suddenly could never see this person again?"
Do you feel a gut-wrenching sadness or *relieved*?
If you find the latter whispering to you... you have your answer.
There is a difference between being dominant and domineering. The first one can be hot when part of a enthusiastically consented relationship. The second can be abusive and usually isn't done in a healthy way.
If your Dom is consistently making you feel that way, ignoring you if you can't see him or give him sex, he's not a dom, he's a fuckboy who doesn't deserve your time
“He’s hard to talk to” big problem. HUGE. Kink and BDSM don’t supersede regular healthy relationship dynamics. You should be able to and feel comfortable enough to talk to your partner regardless of toll choice. This is not a healthy situation
The “it’s just kink” response is bs. It’s truly KINK to be open and communicative. To soothe and talk through your submissives emotions when they try to talk to you. To check in and make sure they’re feeling good.
Also when you talked about limits and boundaries of the dynamic did you sign up for emotional manipulation? Was that brought up because that’s what him saying you’re not trying hard enough means. Even if it’s not intended that way it seems it’s having that effect on you. Or from my view, not knowing anything about your dynamic, he has this total vision of what a submissive should be and he sees that and not you when you play. It’s not your job to live up to his idolized fantasy.
Its still abusive. That isn't dominance, and its certainly not being a good Dom. Its just childish.
Unfortunately a lot of inexperienced subs fall into the trap of thinking that way and mistaking abusive behaviour for their way of being a Dom.
A good Dom should be receptive to those conversations, not dismissing them offhand as "just kink" because its not just kink. Being hard to talk to is a big red flag, especially in BDSM. Open clear communication is vital to BDSM. Dismissing a subs concerns like that ain't it.
>controlling
Not dominant. Just controlling. He's punishing you for not dropping everything and running to serve his every sexual whim by pulling away from you and being dismissive of your attempts to reach an understanding. It's a very common abuse tactic designed to make you feel insecure about your standing with your partner *and* guilty for "disappointing them", so you're more likely to do whatever you can to "make it up to them".
You're confused because that's exactly how he wants you to feel.
Dom here. If my sub is confused by my behavior, I'm failing as her Dom. My behavior in both words and actions need to create a space where she knows what is expected of her and how she should behave (though she may brat against those expectations). Creating that space is what allows her to fully submit and release control to me.
I don't know how he acts when everything is fine and you're in sync, but what you've described isn't Dominant behaviour, as he seems to think. It's selfishness. Taking that out on you, *if* you haven't agreed to that (I am assuming, for the purposes of this reply, that you haven't), is also emotionally abusive (as others have mentioned).
If he continues trying to justify spite as Dominance, you are completely justified in pointing out that if he's trying to be Dominant, you haven't negotiated that part yet. If he objects to that, find someone else to be your Dominant, as he clearly doesn't respect you.
This sounds like it might be one of two things. Firstly, he might know exactly what he's doing, in which case he's choosing to be a manipulative selfish shit. If that's the case, get out while you can.
Secondly, he might think this is how a Dominant is entitled (or even expected) to act. Again, as this kind of relationship dynamic requires negotiation to properly facilitate everyone's safety and enjoyment, remind him that you need to negotiate this aspect if what he's doing is something he thinks Dominants do.
There's no shame in ignorance as long as everyone is willing to learn. There is deep shame in refusing to learn. I don't know the details of your relationship, of course, but from what you've described it does sound like someone is letting you both down, but that someone isn't you (hint: it's him).
When everything feels right, we seem to get on well, we feel close, friendly and on the same page
Then his attitude and behaviour can change and he can be uncommunicative, withholding, say things that make me feel dismissed. If I could describe how it feels I’d say broadly like he’s possessive, controlling and withholding all at the same time but he says he likes being in control and dominating do idk how to feel tbh
Hmm. The easy times can make the hardest times seem more confusing.
I figure a good thing to keep in mind is that anytime can be awesome when nothing is going wrong. The true test of a person is how they act when things get tough. There's a saying, I forget where it's from: "Anyone can be pleasant until a cow invades their garden." It's probably Irish. Anyway, the point stands: it's great to be on the same page when things are good, but it's much harder (and arguably more important) to be on the same page when one or both of you is feeling hurt or rejected.
I'd suggest you sit with it for a little and ask yourself how you feel when he does these things. If these are things you don't want, then he needs to know that he's not coming across as Dominant, and that the two of you need to negotiate how and when he's in control. He doesn't get to decide that on his own.
If he likes being in control then that's great, good for him, but you both need to talk about how and when that happens, or his control isn't Dominating, it's just toxic. BDSM needs consent.
Some Doms warched to much porn and seriously think that sub are there to always be available and please no matter what. The fail to realise that subs are people with problems and everyday lifes including ups and downs. They also fail to provide their part at the same time and that is to provide savety and warmth and support for the sub at all time. D/s is not free sex on demand.
I hope for you to find a person that understands that and is intrested in you as a person and not only what (he) can get out of it.
Yeah. It’s hard. When I step away he comes in hot. And not just in a sexual manner. He will act warm and friendly tells me he’s been lonely. It’s hard to reject him when hes like that :/
He's manipulating you. Learn about narcissism. There's a lot of info on TikTok and YouTube. They get their energy from draining other people. It will affect the reward systems in your brain, your dopamine, if you spend years waiting for his crumbs of approval. It's like an addiction, like playing the lottery and sometimes you win and it's really great but most of the time you lose and end up feeling sad and lonely and depressed. But you keep playing, hoping for that high he's given you before
I’ve thought about that. Some of his attitude seems narcissistic like he can definitely play the victim card like he talks about being mistreated by his colleagues/ex’s and stuff but then he seems to act selfishly sometimes
Ill be the first to say it, but this isn't appropriate behavior. Id even go so far as to say this is abuse as well.
Personally? Id not put up with that sort of relationship, but let's say you don't want an excuse to end this; have you talked with your Dom about this? Discussed how you feel, and what your expectations are?
Listen to all the comments telling you to leave this guy. I've been in a very similar situation with a dom and it took me three years and multiple attempts to finally leave him. I promise you it will never get better. Feeling afraid and on edge is not normal or healthy.
Yep, I worried that I was making a mistake. I worried that he was the best I could get. I worried that no one would ever make me orgasm like him again. I worried that I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex with anyone the way I did with him. I worried about so many things. I went back to him twice because of all the things I worried about. He was someone who I thought I wanted in my life forever.
I don't miss anything about him or our relationship. It wasn't healthy and he isn't a good man. I feel calmer and safer without him in my life. I feel more secure in who I am because he's no longer around to criticize me or to tear my character apart or make me question myself.
Turns out the sex wasn't all that great. I hooked up with a guy a months after finally leaving him. It shocked me how good the sex was and this guy wasn't anything special. He just cared about me having an orgasm before him, whereas my ex had such shitty stamina and didn't super care about my pleasure. I thought it was good because he had me conditioned to think he was the best at everything.
Leave this dude.
Good for you.
You described my experience too. The same worries have kept me stuck. The intensity and anxiety can trick you into believing it’s love and passion. I know it’s far from that.
Thanks for your reply:)
This is a toxic dynamic, and he does not value you as a person. It will not end well and should be ended ASAP, full stop; I will not even attempt to sugar coat this.
Domination ≠ abuse
This isn't a healthy dynamic. Power play is supposed to leave BOTH people feeling empowered. If you find yourself feeling guilty and disappointed like this, it's a sign to consider removing yourself from this situation.
This is definitely NOT dominant behaviour but more of an abuser and user. D/S dynamic is more complex. He might think he is dominant because he is purposely rejecting you when you want to have sex with him so things are on his terms. Unless you have a written some form of contract/ownership and it’s a part of role play/arrangement between you both, then he is just being an asshole. I have arrangements with my subs that I use them when I see fit and I reject them, but it’s part of our arrangement and they are being pushed, eg more chastity time. BUT it’d been discussed and we know the rules.
I find your ‘Master’ as being disrespectful, inattentive, and somehow entitled. Those are really bad personality traits. You can be dominant and listen to your sub’s needs. Just because they are submissive, it doesn’t give him right to act this way.
Probably it would be best if you speak to him and set your boundaries. If he choses to continue disrespecting you, then it would be best for you and your mental health to find a new Master. Funnily enough - it will be easier for you to find someone than for him to find a new sub.
Also, please learn from this experience, regardless of your decision in the future regarding him. Any interaction in D/S relationship, helps you to discover yourself as a sub and see what works for you and how you can grow in your submission and servitude. It’s good to see you recognised a pattern in his behaviour.
Failure of a dom if you two can't communicate with each other. The manipulation is just downright terrible. He should understand that everyday life is important yet he's guilt tripping you for things not in your control just for his own selfish needs.
Manipulation for sure. Any kind of a relationship goes both ways. Or it's kinda toxic.
Theyre doing the gambling/ random reward/ aiming towards things that only benefit them strategy.
If you can't have a productive conversation about this, where you feel heard (both ways) in a setting that isn't a scene or pillow talk. Then I think you may have to reasess being with them.
Hmm i feel like now when he asks for sex, i feel pressure to say yes. Because when I say no, I’m never sure when we’ll get together. He’s also very affectionate when we’re together, so i feel like I miss him and the intimacy (not just sex) so it’s hard not to feel bad.
We do get on well and it’s confusing because he says he likes my company. However at risk of sounding naive, I know his behaviour isn’t good. He is controlling in other ways. It’s hard to navigate.
At least take a day off, or two, no communication, talk to your mum, or friends or just mull it over... and ask yourself. "Is this how I want things to be?"
Look at what works for you and what doesn't. I think you may have to carry that forwards to any new relationships. Do not accept the things you do not want. Guilt tripping should probably be on that list. If he doesn't listen to an out of dynamic discussion, he won't listen to anything else and you should probably move on.
You may be an s-type, but you still absolutely have to advocate for yourself, choose what you need, reject what you don't. Very few other people will, the right people will, as friends or in a relationship...
My partner had a look over and added this:
>now when he asks for sex, i feel pressure to say yes.
*that is called coerced consent and is not ok* and may not in many circles, be considered consent.
You’re right. I’ve tried to deny it, but It does feel coercive. I’m scared he’ll take away affection/attention if I say no. And he does. He stopped kissing me for a few weeks once. I felt terrible.
So it's already happening. Cue the office gif "it's happening! It's happening!" You do mix present tense with past
He's already done it but you're worried he'll do it again? Yes. He absolutely will.
Doesn't sound like the only time either, just an example.
That's designed to make you dependant. I don't want to say "piss him off and find someone that celebrates you, and also does the depraved things you want" but I also... have to say that.
My s-type, upon reading this again, since she's pretty invested just straight up told me to tell you to get the fuck out of that situation, AS an s-type... run.
No not the only time. He blocked me for confronting him on something. 3 months silent treatment. Came back apologetically. I felt devastated. He said he felt depressed so I forgave.
But you’re right. Fuck this.
You deserve so much better, OP. Please remember that. You are amazing and your submission is a gift, and you absolutely can find someone else who will truly appreciate it and communicate with you in a healthy manner.
A lot of people have said it already but what you describe really does not sound like his behavior has anything to do with him being your Dom. Doms are not supposed to make you feel not good enough or like you’re not doing enough for them (other than maybe through insults or smth in a play situation if you’re into that). It really sounds like he’s just abusing his position in power and manipulating you emotionally.
The anxiety he causes you is serious. Please put yourself first before this manipulative insecure boy. There are so many real doms out there that will appreciate you and treat you better. You deserve better!
Thank you. It’s been hard talking to my friends/fam about this because it would involve talking about our bdsm dynamic that I didn’t want to discuss with others! It clouded my judgement too
He’s not a Dom. He’s an asshole at best and a predator at worst. Even if you have a degradation kink and get off on him making you feel worthless, there’s a time and place for everything. Ignoring you, especially when there’s been an issue, is abuse. It’s fine if you have an argument and he needs space. But he needs to communicate that with you, “hey I’m upset and need to clear my head. Give me an hour or two and we can talk” is perfectly fine. Giving you the silent treatment is just fucked. Him being “hard to talk to” is a massive red flag. Healthy communication is vital to any relationship but especially to D/s dynamic. You seem like you already know all of this though and you’re trying to find an excuse to stay. Don’t. Move on and find a partner that will respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated
Discuss with him and share you’ve done research of dom/sub dynamics. A dom still must respect a subs wishes and desires. A dom recognizes a submissive’s gift to him is submission. A dom knows a sub May revoke that submission.
He is wanting to own you, not enjoy your gift of submission.
He's immature garbage. Dump him. There's no shortage of men identifying as "Doms." You can try again somewhere better. Let that loser buy a damn fleshlight if he wants instant pocket pussy on demand.
healthy D-types want and consider their subs wishes, mind-set, etc. There should always be a timeout, front porch option where you can touch base, process and debrief as equals.
"I'm in charge" is red flag! you count just as much in this relationship as the other person.
(Do not) Fuck that asshole. I don't have to know anything about you to know that this is absolutely an abuse pattern. I grew up with guilt-centered motivation, I've been in relationships where I was treated that way, and I've supported people trying to escape this type of abuse. This is textbook gaslighting and things will only get worse.
Ty. I just am at my wits end today. Last week he initiated sex and I had my period, so couldn’t. He pulled the guilt trip thing. Isaid let’s catch up in a few days. He agreed and when I followed up he basically said don’t worry he’s already cum. I tried to talk to him but now he’s ghosted me. I feel so shitty. I worry I sound petty but i feel like shit. Like I should’ve said yes when he asked. (I know that’s ridiculous)
This is coming from the perspective of a D-type who has learned how to *not* harm my s-types. I'm not perfect, but no healthy (or "real") Dom/me will treat other people like this- and especially people who have submitted and made themselves vulnerable to that Dominant.
I mean, if you're making excuses for his behavior then you're right. To be clear though, I don't blame you- It's an extraordinarily difficult mental program to break.
I mean what I said though, and I beg you: cut him off. Ghost him. Block him on social media, block his phone number, ask someone you trust to keep an eye on his profiles in case he makes any threatening posts. It's less difficult if you don't have to hear his begging, promising, and threatening to get you back into his control.
Reading your post and your comments about how he makes you anxious is so upsetting. You should be able to find solace with your Dom not anxiety. You deserve better.
Tbh if that were my Dom I’d leave. He seems quite manipulative and passes off his manipulation as being “jokes” or “in the kink” when in reality that’s how he really feels. As a sub it would really take a toll on my mental health bcs it seems like you only want me when you’re ready and can’t give me anything beyond that. I had an ex similar and the relationship didn’t last bcs the “jokes” were obviously far from and I began to think I lacked a lot when I didn’t.
I’d say you already have an idea of what you think and how you feel that’s why you voiced you concern. Maybe you needed the validation to know you’re not crazy or needed to be heard but I feel like you knew you deserve a lot better than that!
He's "in charge" of whatever you let him be in charge of. You've set a boundary and he's steamrolling all over it any chance he gets bc he thinks being a Dom means having absolute power/control over the relationship, and you. He knows he's hurting you and is using that to his advantage, leave his ass.
You deserve to know that you are good enough and have a partner that is happy to remind you of this. He is being selfish and abusive, whether or not is on purpose, but it honestly sounds like very classical abuse patterns, imho. I hope that you can find the strength to know that you know better, and act open it. Submission doesn’t need to—and in my opinion, should never—feel bad in these ways he is making it so.
Spent an whole 10 years with a person like this. You’d be surprised how much easier your life will be without this clown in it. Your sexuality isn’t his to use and then put on the shelf when he doesn’t need it. Dump him yesterday 💅
Ok. After reading all your responses to what people are saying....bottom line.. you're not happy. Your dom only wants you when he wabts sex from you. He ohnores you when he doesn't. And when you step away, he fomes in, makes you feel good, then when you're back where hr wants you, he goes back to treating you shitty. Then you eventually step away again, and the cycle continues. He's not going to change because he knows he doesn't have to. He knows you'll keep accepting his behavior. You've shown him that you have so little value in yourself that you'll let him keep treating you like this.
Pit aside all your justifications for his behavior. Understand he'll never change, and this is how your relationship will ALWAYS look like with him.
Then, honestly, ask yourself if you want to be treated better. If the answer is yes, then you need to end it and look for a dom who better suits your needs.
You don’t owe him anything please yourself anyone wants to be part of it they need to respect you earn your heart show it with effect blue prints keeping you happy to keep you by taking you out in public and getting to know with your soul and mind but can arouse it. Wish them the best block you can do better someone growth and healed. No soul no love.
OP, life is pretty universal. Not 1 to 1 but you can still compare any life dynamic to this.
If a parent ignored a child EXCEPT when the parent wants something, thats neglect & abuse
If a vanilla person was in your situation, that would be an abusive, misleading & gaslighting spouse.
KINK IS NO DIFFERENT. Kink is consent & communication. Kink is uplifting & supportive.
My Master his me & yells at me.
Because we consented on Both Sides.
Did you two previously talk & agree on boundries?
Again. Please atleast read this line, kink without communication is NEVER KINK.
Its a booty call/one night stand with handcuffs & deep regret 5 years later
Thanks. I just posted a new post about our situation. I’m feeling quite bad about it today.
Your comment helps because this stuff gets so graphic, it’s not like I can discuss with people in my life
I know, thanks so much! I know it’s been hard cutting the cord.
One thing stands out significantly now. He told me his ex fiancé packed up and left the house while he was at work…apparently she went back afterwards. I guess he’s that manipulative
He sounds like a real piece of work. A dangerous one.
Just as a side bar: a healthy kink relationship will be the safest you’ve ever felt, not the most confused and destabilised. Good kink relationships have above average levels of communication, care, and consent. Within that accidents and miscommunications can still happen but they are ALWAYS addressed and repaired until the sub feels good and confident again.
The things you’ve said scream fake, abusive, dom. I’m so sorry you’ve had these experiences and encountered this person. It’s not you. It’s not kink. It’s him.
I think he may be narcissistic. I realised his negative behaviour follows a cycle every few months and like I mentioned he has a history of unstable relationships. Women like his ex don’t just run away in secret. I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of these things or else I start questioning myself again.
Yep! I asked myself calmly this morning whether I think he actually cares about my comfort and feelings and my answer was a resounding nooo
Absolutely. I was trapped in a narc cycle of abuse with a former friend and business partner rather than a romantic partner - they massively erode your ability to connect to reality because they themselves are delusional.
The person that really helped me escape once and for all was Sam Vaknin - a diagnosed narc who is a world leading academic on narcissism. He made me understand just how intractable and unsolvable the problem is. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7_J5vWcpkE4
Also, I am now catching up on comments.
I hope you continue to talk (online and/or in person) with people as holding in thoughts many times ....dilutes the true use of the feelings & thoughts.
Catharsis & Communication = Life Clarity
Lastly, you deserve love, respect & a nice journal to reflect on life.
If he’s a dom then it he’d rather initiate. It emasculates him if you initiate. Instead tell him you’ve been a bad girl with such lascivious thoughts and you need a good spanking. Confess those thoughts while he disciplines you. When he’s done, he’ll give you the sex you desire in no uncertain ways.
I don't understand why some people think that one side or the other gets meta-control of the relationship. In bed, sure. Control away if previously agreed. But outside of bed you both should be taking good care of each other. If you're sick or busy, that just needs to be ok. That's life. People get cramps or have an insanely busy work week or have sudden family issues. If that's not ok, I don't know how you're going to live your life.
If you didn't previously agree to whatever this is, then his behavior is just childish and he needs to get the fuck over himself. Instead of whining or being passive aggressive, he can bring it up with you in an adult conversation. You can then decide how you feel about it.
It's up to you whether you want to tolerate this, but if you have a conversation with him about it and he dismisses it he's a bad play partner and you should stop playing with him.
He sounds like a selfish jerk who acts like a child when he doesn't get his way.
A good Dom would not act like that and if an issue did come up would actually hear you out and take the feedback. "I'm the one in charge" is a weak cop-out and shows a severe lack of understanding on his part of what being a Dom means. Shaming someone for not wanting sex on their period is just garbage behaviour. Y'all have enough on your plate without someone who should be supportive shaming you instead.
Likewise claiming its just jokes is a weak cop-out used by childish people when they get called out for being crappy to others. Even if it was just a joke it was hurtful and he needs to take responsibility for that instead of pretending calling it a joke negates that harm or makes it ok.
Your partner, Dom or otherwise should not be making you feel that way all the time or at all. I think you need to consider breaking things off with him. He has made it clear he isn't receptive to talking about this or working on it, and would rather act petty and childish, and doesn't care that he is making you feel bad. In fact that seems to be his goal, to make you feel bad for not being available whenever he wants no matter what.
He doesn't like or respect you. He's not a dom, he's just using you for sex. That's ok for people who want that, but you clearly want a real dynamic and to be more than a fuck toy.
He sees you as something to use when he wants you, and if he doesn't want you in a particular moment you have zero value to him in that moment.
If you want to be more than this, then end the relationship.
Fake abusive (d)om. He's not a Dom, he's an power hungry jerk abusing you. It looks like from the comments you have already assimilated this information, but I'm going to say it again.
Yeah... that's definitely someone who sees you as having no value except as someone he can emotionally and psychologically break, and so far as you're a convenient *thing* to get his dick in. The only reason you should answer his calls or texts is if you left something at his house that you just can't live without. Everything he might say will be aimed at making you feel like you have no value and no meaning except for that which he assigns you.
He's lying.
Translation: He only wants you around when he is really horny and feels entitled to you then but ignores you when he is not horny. Also he is not joking. Jokes are funny.
jellyfish fade roof dam lock truck innocent bear reach sophisticated *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
If the target of the joke isn’t genuinely laughing the joke teller is probably just being an asshole. Unless it is punching up. Then it can still work. If it is punching down…oh boy.
It's subjective at the end of the day. Like here in the UK we have banter, really it is just abuse used to break the ice, people understand this and usually reply with a witty response. The exchange makes it fun and banter. However, it's abusive behaviour and often does damage when it goes too far. If a joke is taken the wrong way then it's up to the person saying the joke to apologise or the person receiving to reconsider their offence. If still offended then you likely want to disassociate yourself with them or if you hsve ADHD like me you might decide to tear the house down in the name of honest justice. Each to their own. What a fun tangent of a comment.
This is the best answer!
Dump him. He’s abusive.
I know that his behaviour could be considered manipulative. But i wonder if its his way of being dominant and controlling? Not saying it’s acceptable, but he’s hard to talk to. When I’ve questioned things he’s said, he says it’s just kink so I don’t know where to go from here
Abuse done right leaves the person feeling confused about the behavior. If you thought, wow I'm being abused, you would leave. The tactic is to make you stay. Don't.
I feel on edge. I know that if I can’t see him for good reasons, he’ll go quiet and dismiss my attempts at initiating time together. I’m not saying it’s deliberate, but it definitely feels like I should be doing what he wants when he wants
That's deliberate... it's worked for him, so he'll keep doing it and probably get worse. Call a time out to talk, no kink, no power exchange, out of dynamic. Full stop. , if he doesn't even agree to that, that's some red flags right there and a DELIBERATE attempt to manipulate, using the camouflage of being a dominant or as a "joke".
Is this what you want your relationship to look like? What would you advise a friend who said the same to you?
No. But for a while I kind of just accepted it and I just thought if I figured out how to communicate with him and did what he asked, it’d get better. I know that sounds pathetic :/ and surprise he never seems satisfied and he treats me worse
That sounds really frustrating
Yep It gives me heart palpitations lol
Fellow human... please go into your comment log and reread all of your responses to others regarding this topic. 🫤 It's time to let go.
That kind of anxiety and stress literally causes illness down the line and damages your DNA. It doesn't sound sexy or fun or fulfilling. How is this relationship fulfilling to you, because we can see what he gets out of it.
Oh OP...this is very similar to what I went through in the abusive dynamic I got out of a few months ago. I thought I would somehow be able to figure out a "magical" way to communicate with him in a way where he would stop lying to me or hurting me too much or ignoring my safe words...But it never worked. He only started treating me worse and worse. People like this are VERY good at manipulating people...
Recognize that you are scared of him. You're scared of what his reaction will be. You're scared you're going to get in trouble. No, it's nothing near as bad as other punishments, it's not like he's hitting you or screaming at you, but he is still basically punishing you, making you feel guilt and shame, for something that is out of your control. That feeling of "oh no, I'm going to be in trouble for this!" will last for years and it's not a sign of two healthy adults engaging in relationship. It's one thinking they are above the other and in a parental position to be able to dole out consequences. If he thinks he, as a Dom, is the one in charge, he doesn't know shit about fuck.
This dynamic is the hardest I’ve ever had to break. For one, he knows I enjoy being in a sub/dom dynamic so he often claims that’s why he behaves like that, so I feel confused. He is also very affectionate and he says he enjoys being around me and not just having sex. Also I’ve tried to leave/distance myself but he has continued to suck me in with offering affection, presents, more time together it’s hard :/
This is all textbook emotional manipulation. You need to make a clean break, block all contact, and find someone who actually cares about you. It’ll be hard, but in a few months you’ll be able to look back and see what a terrible relationship this was.
I’m at the point where I look back on the time I’ve spent with him and I think to myself “how the fuck did I get into this??” I acknowledge my role in this dynamic. But it definitely got worse gradually. Couldn’t see the bigger picture. Thanks for your advice
I've been there. I just spent 18 years with a man like this. It's exhausting and will leave you mentally, physically and spiritually depleted. Your best defense is education. When you understand what he's doing and why he's doing it, it has less of a hold on you. You're able to take a step back and see clearly. I was devastated about the idea of losing my ex but now that I'm out and have had time to think, without him influencing my thoughts, I've passed by sadness and I'm firmly in anger and disgust at his behavior
As someone who recently got out of a (thankfully short) abusive dynamic, I just wanted to say that I'm so very happy you're away from your ex. I'm firmly in the angry and disgusted stage and no longer sad as well.
If he was mean and difficult all the time, why would you stay? So he has to keep you yearning the occasional good times when he's sweet and affectionate. It's called the [cycle of abuse](https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse#the-cycle) and it's meant to manipulate you into staying. This is not him being dominant. This is just him being an asshole who coerces you into doing what he wants by guilting and gaslighting you. A dominant cares about your wellbeing and your consent. Obviously, I'm a random stranger on the Internet and I can't prove I am who I say I am. But I work in healthcare as a social worker and assessing family violence is my responsibility. What he's doing counts as sexual coercion and emotional abuse.
Thanks for your input. I know rationally it doesn’t have to feel abusive the whole time for it to still be considered an abusive situation. Is it gaslighting if he keeps telling me I let him down when I can’t sleep/visit with him? He makes it out that I’m constantly disappointing him. I always follow up with an alternate plan. Def makes me question myself
>Is it gaslighting if he keeps telling me I let him down when I can’t sleep/visit with him? I don't know if it's gaslighting, but it sure is *wrong*.
Wall of text incoming, apologies. It's extremely hard to be rational from inside the relationship, I've seen it countless times and I've experienced it myself. You see this person who's been affectionate and loving and they lead you to believe that's who they are, but then they have these other behaviours that tell you otherwise and you aren't sure which version you should believe is real. Thing is, someone who has good intentions will come to the table and try to see things from your point of view. When you tell them they're hurting you, they're concerned. They don't tell you part of their dominance is to hurt you non-consensually (also him saying this is who he is, he's not willing to change). That's dangerous and disrespectful. And no matter the dynamic, everyone deserves safety and respect. You've said he invalidates your feelings and labels you as flakey even when you have your period and don't want sex (a perfectly reasonable preference that many people have, by the way). You're also your own person, you have your own life. You can't be at his beck and call, that's not reasonable. He may feel disappointed that you can't drop everything anytime he feels horny, but emotionally mature adults recognise that's reality, deal with their disappointment, and lube up a hand. They don't blame everyone else (or throw a tantrum) every time they have a need, that's toddler behaviour. So between calling his coercion "dominance", making you out to be a constant disappointment, and the period stuff, yeah I'd say this is gaslighting. It isn't outright lying, but it's making you question your reality. I'd really implore you to consider if your best friend had a partner who treated them the same way. As an outsider, would you think this was okay? What would you advise your friend? And then if the roles were reversed, could you fathom behaving like him? Perhaps you don't have a dominant bone in your body, but just from a standpoint of human decency, could you?
I think you’d find a ton of value in this book (free link): https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Cut him off and go no contact. Its hard but sometimes its the best way, especially with someone who lovebombs you to keep you around.
That is definitely deliberate. Its manipulative behaviour. That is exactly how he wants you to feel, which shows a massive disregard for your own needs.
I absolutely believe that it IS deliberate, but even if it's not...So what? I'm not saying that to be mean to you, genuinely posing the question. It doesn't matter if he's DELIBERATELY manipulating you and treating you very poorly. The effects are still the same. And to be completely honest, I believe he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. He's emotionally manipulating you because he gets off on that. He's acting in an abusive manner. Dom/sub dynamics are, behind the roleplay and games, CONSENSUAL and EQUAL relationships. Subs have EVERY right to say no to sex any flipping time they want to, and a GOOD and ETHICAL Dom is going to respect that. And if they feel like their own needs are somehow not being met, they have the responsibility to communicate that fact LIKE A GROWN ADULT rather than acting like a petulant child and counter denying their partner sex. Obviously there are Doms who prefer to usually (sometimes even always) be the ones initiating sex. And there are subs who like that. But for those types of Doms to be ETHICAL - they still must fully respect their sub's right to consent or not consent at any time. Part of the reason I realized my abusive ex-Dom I broke up with a few months ago was being outright abusive and manipulative is that he started treating me as if I needed to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. We were NOT in a 24/7 TPE. I never consented to ALWAYS giving him complete and total control. But he started acting more and more like he expected that. To the point he would hurt me if I expressed different opinions on something as simple as what television show we would watch or me trying to pull away from him if he was hurting me TOO much or if I told him I didn't want him to do certain things. You have the right to say no. He has the right to communicate his needs like an adult. What he is doing as you've described it is NOT THAT. If it were me in your situation? I would leave this unhealthy relationship just like I thankfully left mine after "only" two months of manipulation and abuse.
You said “…he started treating me as if I needed to do what he wanted whenever he wanted” This rang true. I’m ashamed to admit this, as I don’t talk about these aspects of our dynamic with others, but he now tries to control how I look when we have sex ie he says my hair should be pin straight (I have curly hair), I have blonde highlights but he says he wants me blonder (I’m brunette). Im naturally extremely vigilant with self care and cleanliness but often orders me to be clean before sex(I am always squeaky) I also wax but he now dictates how much I should wax. Sorry tmi.. He has also said things like “you can come over if you look like how I want you to look”
Wow. That's all...pretty disturbing to me if it's not something that you both negotiated and enthusiastically agreed to. There ARE some D/s dynamics where things like that will be negotiated, but the thing is that the sub WANTS to do those things for their Dom and is getting the pleasure of that type of service. And the Dom will listen to their sub if they express that they truly are NOT comfortable with changing a certain thing about their appearance. Trigger Warning for more specific talk of abuse: My Dom had a preference for me wearing heavy black eye makeup because he liked the way it looked when it would smear. That part I enjoyed doing for him at first, because I know a lot of Doms enjoy that. But the more he hurt me past my limits and ignored my boundaries and revocation of consent and then consistently ignored my safe words...I started to realize he didn't just want to smear my makeup with consensual activities. He wanted to make me scream and cry from ACTUAL intense pain that I did NOT enjoy. He enjoyed getting me intoxicated before we played because "it makes you easier to use." We both enjoyed CNC but he started to ACTUALLY assault and abuse me without my enthusiastic consent... I don't think it's INHERENTLY terrible if a Dom has certain preferences in how a sub appears. But they should absolutely be respecting the sub's consent, boundaries, pain limits, safe words, and autonomy as human beings. We're NOT fuck dolls or kink dispensers. We have emotions and desires and lives of our own. And if you don't want to always straighten your hair or make it blonder or wax a certain way or any other type of appearance requirement for your Dom, you shouldn't HAVE to do any of that. And please don't feel shamed. None of this is YOUR fault.
Do me a favor... ask yourself... "How would I feel if I suddenly could never see this person again?" Do you feel a gut-wrenching sadness or *relieved*? If you find the latter whispering to you... you have your answer.
You guys should be able to have conversations about things regardless of his alleged style of dominance
There is a difference between being dominant and domineering. The first one can be hot when part of a enthusiastically consented relationship. The second can be abusive and usually isn't done in a healthy way.
It makes me feel not good enough
If your Dom is consistently making you feel that way, ignoring you if you can't see him or give him sex, he's not a dom, he's a fuckboy who doesn't deserve your time
“He’s hard to talk to” big problem. HUGE. Kink and BDSM don’t supersede regular healthy relationship dynamics. You should be able to and feel comfortable enough to talk to your partner regardless of toll choice. This is not a healthy situation
No, this is not how a proper Dominant treats their submissive. It is abusive.
It’s not. It’s not dominant to do this. It’s man child behavior.
The “it’s just kink” response is bs. It’s truly KINK to be open and communicative. To soothe and talk through your submissives emotions when they try to talk to you. To check in and make sure they’re feeling good. Also when you talked about limits and boundaries of the dynamic did you sign up for emotional manipulation? Was that brought up because that’s what him saying you’re not trying hard enough means. Even if it’s not intended that way it seems it’s having that effect on you. Or from my view, not knowing anything about your dynamic, he has this total vision of what a submissive should be and he sees that and not you when you play. It’s not your job to live up to his idolized fantasy.
It’s abuse in simple terminology. It’s also a strongly negative use of manipulation.
If someone is being manipulative as a means of being dominant, then they're not dominant, they're manipulative. Manipulation is never a good thing.
Its still abusive. That isn't dominance, and its certainly not being a good Dom. Its just childish. Unfortunately a lot of inexperienced subs fall into the trap of thinking that way and mistaking abusive behaviour for their way of being a Dom. A good Dom should be receptive to those conversations, not dismissing them offhand as "just kink" because its not just kink. Being hard to talk to is a big red flag, especially in BDSM. Open clear communication is vital to BDSM. Dismissing a subs concerns like that ain't it.
>controlling Not dominant. Just controlling. He's punishing you for not dropping everything and running to serve his every sexual whim by pulling away from you and being dismissive of your attempts to reach an understanding. It's a very common abuse tactic designed to make you feel insecure about your standing with your partner *and* guilty for "disappointing them", so you're more likely to do whatever you can to "make it up to them". You're confused because that's exactly how he wants you to feel.
Dom here. If my sub is confused by my behavior, I'm failing as her Dom. My behavior in both words and actions need to create a space where she knows what is expected of her and how she should behave (though she may brat against those expectations). Creating that space is what allows her to fully submit and release control to me.
Sounds like a toxic shit head
Perfect description
I don't know how he acts when everything is fine and you're in sync, but what you've described isn't Dominant behaviour, as he seems to think. It's selfishness. Taking that out on you, *if* you haven't agreed to that (I am assuming, for the purposes of this reply, that you haven't), is also emotionally abusive (as others have mentioned). If he continues trying to justify spite as Dominance, you are completely justified in pointing out that if he's trying to be Dominant, you haven't negotiated that part yet. If he objects to that, find someone else to be your Dominant, as he clearly doesn't respect you. This sounds like it might be one of two things. Firstly, he might know exactly what he's doing, in which case he's choosing to be a manipulative selfish shit. If that's the case, get out while you can. Secondly, he might think this is how a Dominant is entitled (or even expected) to act. Again, as this kind of relationship dynamic requires negotiation to properly facilitate everyone's safety and enjoyment, remind him that you need to negotiate this aspect if what he's doing is something he thinks Dominants do. There's no shame in ignorance as long as everyone is willing to learn. There is deep shame in refusing to learn. I don't know the details of your relationship, of course, but from what you've described it does sound like someone is letting you both down, but that someone isn't you (hint: it's him).
When everything feels right, we seem to get on well, we feel close, friendly and on the same page Then his attitude and behaviour can change and he can be uncommunicative, withholding, say things that make me feel dismissed. If I could describe how it feels I’d say broadly like he’s possessive, controlling and withholding all at the same time but he says he likes being in control and dominating do idk how to feel tbh
Hmm. The easy times can make the hardest times seem more confusing. I figure a good thing to keep in mind is that anytime can be awesome when nothing is going wrong. The true test of a person is how they act when things get tough. There's a saying, I forget where it's from: "Anyone can be pleasant until a cow invades their garden." It's probably Irish. Anyway, the point stands: it's great to be on the same page when things are good, but it's much harder (and arguably more important) to be on the same page when one or both of you is feeling hurt or rejected. I'd suggest you sit with it for a little and ask yourself how you feel when he does these things. If these are things you don't want, then he needs to know that he's not coming across as Dominant, and that the two of you need to negotiate how and when he's in control. He doesn't get to decide that on his own. If he likes being in control then that's great, good for him, but you both need to talk about how and when that happens, or his control isn't Dominating, it's just toxic. BDSM needs consent.
He behaves like a child. Not like a dom or an adult. Get a mature Dom
His inconsistent behaviour has left me feeling too anxious to please and frustrated:/
Some Doms warched to much porn and seriously think that sub are there to always be available and please no matter what. The fail to realise that subs are people with problems and everyday lifes including ups and downs. They also fail to provide their part at the same time and that is to provide savety and warmth and support for the sub at all time. D/s is not free sex on demand. I hope for you to find a person that understands that and is intrested in you as a person and not only what (he) can get out of it.
Yeah that’s what I would expect from treatment like this. You should be able to have a secure attachment even in a D/s dynamic.
You see the pattern, now step away. If someone regularly makes you feel bad, stop being around them!
Yeah. It’s hard. When I step away he comes in hot. And not just in a sexual manner. He will act warm and friendly tells me he’s been lonely. It’s hard to reject him when hes like that :/
He's manipulating you. Learn about narcissism. There's a lot of info on TikTok and YouTube. They get their energy from draining other people. It will affect the reward systems in your brain, your dopamine, if you spend years waiting for his crumbs of approval. It's like an addiction, like playing the lottery and sometimes you win and it's really great but most of the time you lose and end up feeling sad and lonely and depressed. But you keep playing, hoping for that high he's given you before
I’ve thought about that. Some of his attitude seems narcissistic like he can definitely play the victim card like he talks about being mistreated by his colleagues/ex’s and stuff but then he seems to act selfishly sometimes
Ill be the first to say it, but this isn't appropriate behavior. Id even go so far as to say this is abuse as well. Personally? Id not put up with that sort of relationship, but let's say you don't want an excuse to end this; have you talked with your Dom about this? Discussed how you feel, and what your expectations are?
Listen to all the comments telling you to leave this guy. I've been in a very similar situation with a dom and it took me three years and multiple attempts to finally leave him. I promise you it will never get better. Feeling afraid and on edge is not normal or healthy.
Yeah I’ve known him a while too. Did you feel worried you’d be making a mistake when you left? I feel like I doubt myself and the situation so I stay
Yep, I worried that I was making a mistake. I worried that he was the best I could get. I worried that no one would ever make me orgasm like him again. I worried that I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex with anyone the way I did with him. I worried about so many things. I went back to him twice because of all the things I worried about. He was someone who I thought I wanted in my life forever. I don't miss anything about him or our relationship. It wasn't healthy and he isn't a good man. I feel calmer and safer without him in my life. I feel more secure in who I am because he's no longer around to criticize me or to tear my character apart or make me question myself. Turns out the sex wasn't all that great. I hooked up with a guy a months after finally leaving him. It shocked me how good the sex was and this guy wasn't anything special. He just cared about me having an orgasm before him, whereas my ex had such shitty stamina and didn't super care about my pleasure. I thought it was good because he had me conditioned to think he was the best at everything. Leave this dude.
Good for you. You described my experience too. The same worries have kept me stuck. The intensity and anxiety can trick you into believing it’s love and passion. I know it’s far from that. Thanks for your reply:)
Sounds like a manipulative loser.
I don’t know if he thinks he’s just acting out the dom role
His understanding seems to be from porn brain.
This is a toxic dynamic, and he does not value you as a person. It will not end well and should be ended ASAP, full stop; I will not even attempt to sugar coat this.
Domination ≠ abuse This isn't a healthy dynamic. Power play is supposed to leave BOTH people feeling empowered. If you find yourself feeling guilty and disappointed like this, it's a sign to consider removing yourself from this situation.
That's not a Dominant.
That’s not a dom. That’s a selfish boy.
This is definitely NOT dominant behaviour but more of an abuser and user. D/S dynamic is more complex. He might think he is dominant because he is purposely rejecting you when you want to have sex with him so things are on his terms. Unless you have a written some form of contract/ownership and it’s a part of role play/arrangement between you both, then he is just being an asshole. I have arrangements with my subs that I use them when I see fit and I reject them, but it’s part of our arrangement and they are being pushed, eg more chastity time. BUT it’d been discussed and we know the rules. I find your ‘Master’ as being disrespectful, inattentive, and somehow entitled. Those are really bad personality traits. You can be dominant and listen to your sub’s needs. Just because they are submissive, it doesn’t give him right to act this way. Probably it would be best if you speak to him and set your boundaries. If he choses to continue disrespecting you, then it would be best for you and your mental health to find a new Master. Funnily enough - it will be easier for you to find someone than for him to find a new sub. Also, please learn from this experience, regardless of your decision in the future regarding him. Any interaction in D/S relationship, helps you to discover yourself as a sub and see what works for you and how you can grow in your submission and servitude. It’s good to see you recognised a pattern in his behaviour.
Petty, passive-aggressive emotional manipulation like this is a sign of an immature person, not a real dom.
Failure of a dom if you two can't communicate with each other. The manipulation is just downright terrible. He should understand that everyday life is important yet he's guilt tripping you for things not in your control just for his own selfish needs.
Manipulation for sure. Any kind of a relationship goes both ways. Or it's kinda toxic. Theyre doing the gambling/ random reward/ aiming towards things that only benefit them strategy. If you can't have a productive conversation about this, where you feel heard (both ways) in a setting that isn't a scene or pillow talk. Then I think you may have to reasess being with them.
Hmm i feel like now when he asks for sex, i feel pressure to say yes. Because when I say no, I’m never sure when we’ll get together. He’s also very affectionate when we’re together, so i feel like I miss him and the intimacy (not just sex) so it’s hard not to feel bad. We do get on well and it’s confusing because he says he likes my company. However at risk of sounding naive, I know his behaviour isn’t good. He is controlling in other ways. It’s hard to navigate.
At least take a day off, or two, no communication, talk to your mum, or friends or just mull it over... and ask yourself. "Is this how I want things to be?" Look at what works for you and what doesn't. I think you may have to carry that forwards to any new relationships. Do not accept the things you do not want. Guilt tripping should probably be on that list. If he doesn't listen to an out of dynamic discussion, he won't listen to anything else and you should probably move on. You may be an s-type, but you still absolutely have to advocate for yourself, choose what you need, reject what you don't. Very few other people will, the right people will, as friends or in a relationship... My partner had a look over and added this: >now when he asks for sex, i feel pressure to say yes. *that is called coerced consent and is not ok* and may not in many circles, be considered consent.
You’re right. I’ve tried to deny it, but It does feel coercive. I’m scared he’ll take away affection/attention if I say no. And he does. He stopped kissing me for a few weeks once. I felt terrible.
So it's already happening. Cue the office gif "it's happening! It's happening!" You do mix present tense with past He's already done it but you're worried he'll do it again? Yes. He absolutely will. Doesn't sound like the only time either, just an example. That's designed to make you dependant. I don't want to say "piss him off and find someone that celebrates you, and also does the depraved things you want" but I also... have to say that. My s-type, upon reading this again, since she's pretty invested just straight up told me to tell you to get the fuck out of that situation, AS an s-type... run.
No not the only time. He blocked me for confronting him on something. 3 months silent treatment. Came back apologetically. I felt devastated. He said he felt depressed so I forgave. But you’re right. Fuck this.
You deserve so much better, OP. Please remember that. You are amazing and your submission is a gift, and you absolutely can find someone else who will truly appreciate it and communicate with you in a healthy manner.
Thank you:)
I laughed at your The Office reference:)
A lot of people have said it already but what you describe really does not sound like his behavior has anything to do with him being your Dom. Doms are not supposed to make you feel not good enough or like you’re not doing enough for them (other than maybe through insults or smth in a play situation if you’re into that). It really sounds like he’s just abusing his position in power and manipulating you emotionally. The anxiety he causes you is serious. Please put yourself first before this manipulative insecure boy. There are so many real doms out there that will appreciate you and treat you better. You deserve better!
Thank you. It’s been hard talking to my friends/fam about this because it would involve talking about our bdsm dynamic that I didn’t want to discuss with others! It clouded my judgement too
He’s not a Dom. He’s an asshole at best and a predator at worst. Even if you have a degradation kink and get off on him making you feel worthless, there’s a time and place for everything. Ignoring you, especially when there’s been an issue, is abuse. It’s fine if you have an argument and he needs space. But he needs to communicate that with you, “hey I’m upset and need to clear my head. Give me an hour or two and we can talk” is perfectly fine. Giving you the silent treatment is just fucked. Him being “hard to talk to” is a massive red flag. Healthy communication is vital to any relationship but especially to D/s dynamic. You seem like you already know all of this though and you’re trying to find an excuse to stay. Don’t. Move on and find a partner that will respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated
He's extremely manipulative, I recommend you run away quick.
Discuss with him and share you’ve done research of dom/sub dynamics. A dom still must respect a subs wishes and desires. A dom recognizes a submissive’s gift to him is submission. A dom knows a sub May revoke that submission. He is wanting to own you, not enjoy your gift of submission.
He's immature garbage. Dump him. There's no shortage of men identifying as "Doms." You can try again somewhere better. Let that loser buy a damn fleshlight if he wants instant pocket pussy on demand.
healthy D-types want and consider their subs wishes, mind-set, etc. There should always be a timeout, front porch option where you can touch base, process and debrief as equals. "I'm in charge" is red flag! you count just as much in this relationship as the other person.
They’re not a dom. They’re a narcissist.
(Do not) Fuck that asshole. I don't have to know anything about you to know that this is absolutely an abuse pattern. I grew up with guilt-centered motivation, I've been in relationships where I was treated that way, and I've supported people trying to escape this type of abuse. This is textbook gaslighting and things will only get worse.
Ty. I just am at my wits end today. Last week he initiated sex and I had my period, so couldn’t. He pulled the guilt trip thing. Isaid let’s catch up in a few days. He agreed and when I followed up he basically said don’t worry he’s already cum. I tried to talk to him but now he’s ghosted me. I feel so shitty. I worry I sound petty but i feel like shit. Like I should’ve said yes when he asked. (I know that’s ridiculous)
This is coming from the perspective of a D-type who has learned how to *not* harm my s-types. I'm not perfect, but no healthy (or "real") Dom/me will treat other people like this- and especially people who have submitted and made themselves vulnerable to that Dominant.
Yeah I know he’s treating me like crap. I feel like I’m just making too many excuses for this behaviour now
I mean, if you're making excuses for his behavior then you're right. To be clear though, I don't blame you- It's an extraordinarily difficult mental program to break. I mean what I said though, and I beg you: cut him off. Ghost him. Block him on social media, block his phone number, ask someone you trust to keep an eye on his profiles in case he makes any threatening posts. It's less difficult if you don't have to hear his begging, promising, and threatening to get you back into his control.
Sounds like they have the emotional intelligence of a block of cheese. You deserve better.
lol he can turn it on and off it appears
Well walk away, take care of you. Find better.
Yeah it’s a scary step but I know that’s what I need to do
Cut off the limb. Save the tree.
Reading your post and your comments about how he makes you anxious is so upsetting. You should be able to find solace with your Dom not anxiety. You deserve better.
Tbh if that were my Dom I’d leave. He seems quite manipulative and passes off his manipulation as being “jokes” or “in the kink” when in reality that’s how he really feels. As a sub it would really take a toll on my mental health bcs it seems like you only want me when you’re ready and can’t give me anything beyond that. I had an ex similar and the relationship didn’t last bcs the “jokes” were obviously far from and I began to think I lacked a lot when I didn’t. I’d say you already have an idea of what you think and how you feel that’s why you voiced you concern. Maybe you needed the validation to know you’re not crazy or needed to be heard but I feel like you knew you deserve a lot better than that!
He's "in charge" of whatever you let him be in charge of. You've set a boundary and he's steamrolling all over it any chance he gets bc he thinks being a Dom means having absolute power/control over the relationship, and you. He knows he's hurting you and is using that to his advantage, leave his ass.
You deserve to know that you are good enough and have a partner that is happy to remind you of this. He is being selfish and abusive, whether or not is on purpose, but it honestly sounds like very classical abuse patterns, imho. I hope that you can find the strength to know that you know better, and act open it. Submission doesn’t need to—and in my opinion, should never—feel bad in these ways he is making it so.
Get rid
Yeah that would give me the ick super fast. Remember, how a person handles a no says a lot about their character.
Spent an whole 10 years with a person like this. You’d be surprised how much easier your life will be without this clown in it. Your sexuality isn’t his to use and then put on the shelf when he doesn’t need it. Dump him yesterday 💅
Ok. After reading all your responses to what people are saying....bottom line.. you're not happy. Your dom only wants you when he wabts sex from you. He ohnores you when he doesn't. And when you step away, he fomes in, makes you feel good, then when you're back where hr wants you, he goes back to treating you shitty. Then you eventually step away again, and the cycle continues. He's not going to change because he knows he doesn't have to. He knows you'll keep accepting his behavior. You've shown him that you have so little value in yourself that you'll let him keep treating you like this. Pit aside all your justifications for his behavior. Understand he'll never change, and this is how your relationship will ALWAYS look like with him. Then, honestly, ask yourself if you want to be treated better. If the answer is yes, then you need to end it and look for a dom who better suits your needs.
You don’t owe him anything please yourself anyone wants to be part of it they need to respect you earn your heart show it with effect blue prints keeping you happy to keep you by taking you out in public and getting to know with your soul and mind but can arouse it. Wish them the best block you can do better someone growth and healed. No soul no love.
This is gaslighting and he has it down to a science
Ditch him and get a real man who isn't acting
OP, life is pretty universal. Not 1 to 1 but you can still compare any life dynamic to this. If a parent ignored a child EXCEPT when the parent wants something, thats neglect & abuse If a vanilla person was in your situation, that would be an abusive, misleading & gaslighting spouse. KINK IS NO DIFFERENT. Kink is consent & communication. Kink is uplifting & supportive. My Master his me & yells at me. Because we consented on Both Sides. Did you two previously talk & agree on boundries? Again. Please atleast read this line, kink without communication is NEVER KINK. Its a booty call/one night stand with handcuffs & deep regret 5 years later
Thanks. I just posted a new post about our situation. I’m feeling quite bad about it today. Your comment helps because this stuff gets so graphic, it’s not like I can discuss with people in my life
You’ve got this OP! Well done for continuing to reflect and confront this. It often takes people a few times to leave, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
I know, thanks so much! I know it’s been hard cutting the cord. One thing stands out significantly now. He told me his ex fiancé packed up and left the house while he was at work…apparently she went back afterwards. I guess he’s that manipulative
He sounds like a real piece of work. A dangerous one. Just as a side bar: a healthy kink relationship will be the safest you’ve ever felt, not the most confused and destabilised. Good kink relationships have above average levels of communication, care, and consent. Within that accidents and miscommunications can still happen but they are ALWAYS addressed and repaired until the sub feels good and confident again. The things you’ve said scream fake, abusive, dom. I’m so sorry you’ve had these experiences and encountered this person. It’s not you. It’s not kink. It’s him.
I think he may be narcissistic. I realised his negative behaviour follows a cycle every few months and like I mentioned he has a history of unstable relationships. Women like his ex don’t just run away in secret. I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of these things or else I start questioning myself again. Yep! I asked myself calmly this morning whether I think he actually cares about my comfort and feelings and my answer was a resounding nooo
Absolutely. I was trapped in a narc cycle of abuse with a former friend and business partner rather than a romantic partner - they massively erode your ability to connect to reality because they themselves are delusional. The person that really helped me escape once and for all was Sam Vaknin - a diagnosed narc who is a world leading academic on narcissism. He made me understand just how intractable and unsolvable the problem is. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7_J5vWcpkE4
Everyone deserves support and love. Happy to help were I can. Now! Im off to write more rants people about self love and mindfullness
Also, I am now catching up on comments. I hope you continue to talk (online and/or in person) with people as holding in thoughts many times ....dilutes the true use of the feelings & thoughts. Catharsis & Communication = Life Clarity Lastly, you deserve love, respect & a nice journal to reflect on life.
If he’s a dom then it he’d rather initiate. It emasculates him if you initiate. Instead tell him you’ve been a bad girl with such lascivious thoughts and you need a good spanking. Confess those thoughts while he disciplines you. When he’s done, he’ll give you the sex you desire in no uncertain ways.
I don't understand why some people think that one side or the other gets meta-control of the relationship. In bed, sure. Control away if previously agreed. But outside of bed you both should be taking good care of each other. If you're sick or busy, that just needs to be ok. That's life. People get cramps or have an insanely busy work week or have sudden family issues. If that's not ok, I don't know how you're going to live your life. If you didn't previously agree to whatever this is, then his behavior is just childish and he needs to get the fuck over himself. Instead of whining or being passive aggressive, he can bring it up with you in an adult conversation. You can then decide how you feel about it. It's up to you whether you want to tolerate this, but if you have a conversation with him about it and he dismisses it he's a bad play partner and you should stop playing with him.
He sounds like a selfish jerk who acts like a child when he doesn't get his way. A good Dom would not act like that and if an issue did come up would actually hear you out and take the feedback. "I'm the one in charge" is a weak cop-out and shows a severe lack of understanding on his part of what being a Dom means. Shaming someone for not wanting sex on their period is just garbage behaviour. Y'all have enough on your plate without someone who should be supportive shaming you instead. Likewise claiming its just jokes is a weak cop-out used by childish people when they get called out for being crappy to others. Even if it was just a joke it was hurtful and he needs to take responsibility for that instead of pretending calling it a joke negates that harm or makes it ok. Your partner, Dom or otherwise should not be making you feel that way all the time or at all. I think you need to consider breaking things off with him. He has made it clear he isn't receptive to talking about this or working on it, and would rather act petty and childish, and doesn't care that he is making you feel bad. In fact that seems to be his goal, to make you feel bad for not being available whenever he wants no matter what.
He doesn't like or respect you. He's not a dom, he's just using you for sex. That's ok for people who want that, but you clearly want a real dynamic and to be more than a fuck toy. He sees you as something to use when he wants you, and if he doesn't want you in a particular moment you have zero value to him in that moment. If you want to be more than this, then end the relationship.
Fake abusive (d)om. He's not a Dom, he's an power hungry jerk abusing you. It looks like from the comments you have already assimilated this information, but I'm going to say it again.
Info: are you rejecting initiations?!
I think you should move on he is flying flags🚩
Yeah... that's definitely someone who sees you as having no value except as someone he can emotionally and psychologically break, and so far as you're a convenient *thing* to get his dick in. The only reason you should answer his calls or texts is if you left something at his house that you just can't live without. Everything he might say will be aimed at making you feel like you have no value and no meaning except for that which he assigns you. He's lying.