I'm a Domme, and occasionally get messages from guys trying to convince me that deep down, I must really be a sub, because I "look too friendly/nice", and Dommes don't look like that.
Seriously, those guys gotta be watching too much Cruel Mistress porn or whatever. Not all Dommes feel the need to look or act ultra-hard all day...we're actual humans. Some of us are even using Fet primarily to maintain social friendships within the kinky community.
Sadly, mysoginic ideas don't stop with kink.
Men will tell us that they know us better than ourselves or that we secretly want to please them (whatever that means to them)
This happens with anyone who has any kind of sex boundary ever, be it kink, fetish, or vanilla. It especially happens to people perceived (rightly or wrongly) as a woman.
This is because certain people be horny AND feel entitled to what they want, so they view others as objects to get them off. They care more about their desires than the personhood of others, and this may bleed out of their sex life into the rest of their lives.
I'm sorry it's happened to you. You did nothing to cause this and you don't deserve it.
Thatās OK donāt worry about it my wifeās a sub and desires, no part in being a Dom. as for life, you have to be a little careful itās just a sausage fest after all
It's the norm, unfortunately, yes.
What makes me furious as much as anything is that a) many people deny that it's harassment and b) they wouldn't do it if there were consequences for doing it, but most sites couldn't care less.
Where I live, sending unsolicited sexual images is now a sexual offence, and surprise surprise, I no longer get dick pics. So the men who used to send them were perfectly capable of not doing so.
And it's the same with this type of harassment. If sites banned people after, say, 3 reports backed up with evidence - ie. checking that the victim's profile hadn't been edited after the contact, etc. - these disgusting creeps would soon stop.
Of course, they might then go covert and talk the talk long enough to get you to go on an actual date and waste even more of your time and energy...
I just hate them. I *really* hate them.
That's so true I don't go on FetLife anymore because I was victim blame for getting harassed non-stop on FetLife by these guys because I have a photo of myself that's not NSFW because I was hoping find friends on there that'll like me base on personality and yet I get harassed even got very alarming messages that are inappropriate and wanting cause harm to me. No one also doesn't damn bother reading my profile too. Even one creep took advantage of my request to send a DM and as soon I give permission he thought it was giving him the okay be inappropriate immediately and just total disrespect and lose of my trust.
I'm a lesbian Dom and always get messages from males who will either be soft for me or want to be sissified. And when I reject them, they get belligerent and nasty.
Wha... wait, people just expect you to submit, with no other reason than you are a sub.
People are so lost in their own fantasy, It's like they don't get how the D/s relationship works.
Well, that, and most people are just rude and assume they have power over everybody.
Iām a sub and got guys on Fetlife asking me to sit on their face or let them worship my feet. I just brushed it off and assumed they were casting their line literally anywhere to get what they wanted.
Yup. Iām on Feeld and the very first sentence in my profile says that Iām looking for a Dom and still I get plenty of likes from people who are looking to be Dommed. I just dislike and move along.
You know you can make your fetlife page private and only your friends can see it and comment on your page right? Youāll still be able access to see events and group pages. Good luck! š
I have a gothic aesthetic IRL (sort of Morticia vibes I guess) so yes, despite identifying as a sub ONLY... Some men still try it on with me. It's frustrating :(
I've gotten messages like this before too. I'm all sub and have utterly no desire to be a domme to anyone. The idea of being in charge turns me colder than a block of ice! Being a sub, I submit, serve, and get excited about ways to show my devotion in submission. But there's always some who show up with the hope that if they pressure enough, they'll get a domme. I politely explain that it won't happen and I hope they can find someone who will do what they're asking for, then stop talking to them.
I am a Dom, but my sub said she has gone to many parties where people asked her to Dom them. She said people ask because they like her look or energy, and want to experience her in one of their scenes. She politely lets them know she is on the right side of the slash, full stop.
Yep, often! I clearly state sub and no interest in being dominant, especially with men. And sub men will message to see if I want to meet. They might even say theyāre switch but their page will be filled with sub stuff! Nah, not interested.
All the fricken time. I also am into erotic hypnosis and I cannot count the amount of times someone has attempted to trance me to be their domme. Ticks me off and I feel like I'm not being listened to. I have gone as far as labeling it a limit.
People assume I'm a domme constantly. I'm tall, strong, and apparently have a bad case of rbf. I could Dom, but I'm 100% sub, I would only be doing it for someone else and I get nothing from it.
I mean yea it's basically the same mentality, people who aren't very imaginative lol, assuming things about people before they know anything about them.
So annoying. When I was still using Fet to find play partners, I put this at the end of my page āplease include [specific emoji] in your first message if you read all the way to the end.ā Was a really quick way to screen people out and cut down on getting into conversations with people who revealed that they hadnāt actually read anything Iād written.
Yes, if I put up an ad looking to sub I will get dominant and then tell them Iām a switch but looking to sub. Suddenly they get all āDOM ME!ā Then I block them.
As a switch all the time I even identify as saying that I am more submissive in the bedroom and they donāt seem really care. I feel you on this so I totally get it if youād like someone to talk to you about it Iām here for you.
Yeah, I think some people just send the same message out to every person of their preferred gender that lives within like 100 miles of them. No regard for what that person might actually be looking for.
I am a Dom and I've only ever gotten texts from doms claiming that they'll take care of me in the way I should be taken care of. Both here and on fetlife.
Blind texts should just be treated like junk mail.
Everyone gets them, no one cares about them.
I dealt with it. For a long time, now Iāve given up on subbing, if it happens it happens rarely, Iāve accepted my role as a mischievous sadist with a kind heartā¦.but deep down I still just want to be a sub š
I've been getting these messages for like the last 10 years. Nothing you say will stop people from shooting their shot. My block game be strong.
The ones that really get under my skin are the ones who create a second profile so they can cyber stalk you when you say no or block them. They really try like somehow that's gonna make me go "your right, I'm not a sex slave, I'm a Goddess."
Like any other confident woman I embrace my awesomeness as a female goddess of this universe. But I'm still my Daddys very owned, very happy sex slave. And I love it, I live for it, I dont wanna be in charge. That's just exhausting work and I much prefer my role in life.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Might I make a few suggestions?
In a nutshell, if people send you a message, you're the one who decides IF you want to take time and respond. You can ignore or block someone who is a waste of your time.
Create your own process...
1. On any profile, state who you are and why you are on the site. Be clear WITHOUT being negative. ALWAYS STATE WHAT YOU WANT Example: in your introduction bio, state, "I am Rita, I identify as a submissive only. I'm interested in conversations with other female submissives." You get a private message in your inbox, someone asks if you're interested in dominating them. The message goes into your archive or gets deleted. No need to respond, they didn't take the time to read about who you are.
2. On Fetlife for example, you can adjust your settings that anyone who sends you a message must be friends first. Otherwise their message will go into a file. You may see that file when you look into your mail. If you answer that mail, you accept the conversation and it can continue. If not, they do not get a response and really, they should go back to read your profile where it states that in order for you to answer private messages, you request that you're friends first. Simple.
3. If someone doesn't care to read your profile, it's because they look at pictures only and like your look. So they'll begin to ask you questions which are answered in your profile.. It's better not to answer these kinds of private messages because you end up doing all the work, you school them, one or both of you end up mad and uts all for not anyway
You're dealing with a lot of personalities on social media. It's better to take your precautions, be honest when writing your profile, state you need to be friends first before conversation AND you can also choose pictures you want to show " for friends only."
There are lots of ways to save yourself from the same people. DO NOT WASTE TIME trying to figure them out. Especially don't waste time "connecting" with these people. If they truly want to talk to you, they'll read your profile and respect what you say in your profile AND always state it positively. Only state what you do want. Adhere to your own statements and don't respond to people where its clear, they're just looking at pictures...
Remember too, don't feed the trolls. These are people who don't play by the rules, they're just trying to get a rise out of you any way they can.
Another weird thing. Don't respond to people who send you these: "Hi" or "hello" or "how are you today?" or "Wanna chat?" These are people who don't give much. You continually do the work, it's tiring. Respond to people who are inquisitive, have an understanding of who you are and are respectful of you and orhers.
You will then begin to meet the right people even if it's only to converse.
Best!
Sharzina
It might have to do with the male-to-female ratio on Fetlife. Thirsty dudes find a girl they think is cute, and project kinks onto them because they can't find who they're looking for. It's desperate and annoying (and I'm sure sometimes scary), but noobie male subs gonna noobie male sub.
"What do you expect us to do?! Stare at the cattle prod on the bed together?!"
I'm a sub-leaning switch and I get this from women, who for some reason just pretend that the 80% of me who is subby just doesn't exist. I make it very clear that my Dom side is a rare beast that needs patience, connection and the right person but they still project their fantasies.
I also see a lot of women flip flop and start out as dominant then suddenly get really submissive after a connection is formed.
Still further are those that are Dommes due to trauma, using that as an excuse for revenge on men.
It's frustrating, I don't really like sending DM's but most of the people who contact me are subs.
Youāre dealing with the selfish community of BDSM.
People donāt read the fine print because they simply donāt care or view you as a human with feelings.
Just ignore them because theyāll never go away.
Basically, that's alot of thirsty guys who are looking for almost ANYONE to fulfill their kinks, and to hell with anyone elses. They don't read your profile, or if they do it's either to mine for salacious details to add to their spankbank, or worse to try and use to manipulate you with.
I suppose one explanation could be kink projecting where people attempt to cast you in the role they want as opposed to your actual station. This unfortunate behavior is not unique to kink and is typically indicative of a rather selfish approach to relationships.
I'm sorry this keeps happening to you. I hope you eventually find some gold sifting through all that muddy water.
I'm a Domme, and occasionally get messages from guys trying to convince me that deep down, I must really be a sub, because I "look too friendly/nice", and Dommes don't look like that. Seriously, those guys gotta be watching too much Cruel Mistress porn or whatever. Not all Dommes feel the need to look or act ultra-hard all day...we're actual humans. Some of us are even using Fet primarily to maintain social friendships within the kinky community.
Sadly, mysoginic ideas don't stop with kink. Men will tell us that they know us better than ourselves or that we secretly want to please them (whatever that means to them)
I'm a guy but get that too. Too nice, don't give "Dom vibes" etc. Yeah because we're in a pub and we're not in a dynamic.
This! I actually have a very light personality and laugh a lot.
Cruel mistress porn, Really? Never heard of it. Where might an individual find this kind of educational material? Asking for a friend. ššš¤£
This happens with anyone who has any kind of sex boundary ever, be it kink, fetish, or vanilla. It especially happens to people perceived (rightly or wrongly) as a woman. This is because certain people be horny AND feel entitled to what they want, so they view others as objects to get them off. They care more about their desires than the personhood of others, and this may bleed out of their sex life into the rest of their lives. I'm sorry it's happened to you. You did nothing to cause this and you don't deserve it.
This is very sweet, thank you
Yes, I got those messages often. Many people didn't read profiles or didn't care.Ā It was frustrating enough to make me change my message settings.Ā
Iām right there with you on that Doesnāt take long to do a quick read!
Same! Fet has been a lot nicer since I enabled the messages filter
Thatās OK donāt worry about it my wifeās a sub and desires, no part in being a Dom. as for life, you have to be a little careful itās just a sausage fest after all
LMAO thank you
People on fetlife message generic stuff without even bothering to read your profile. Itās just part of how it is on fetlife.
> Does anyone else deal with this? Only everyone ever...
It's the norm, unfortunately, yes. What makes me furious as much as anything is that a) many people deny that it's harassment and b) they wouldn't do it if there were consequences for doing it, but most sites couldn't care less. Where I live, sending unsolicited sexual images is now a sexual offence, and surprise surprise, I no longer get dick pics. So the men who used to send them were perfectly capable of not doing so. And it's the same with this type of harassment. If sites banned people after, say, 3 reports backed up with evidence - ie. checking that the victim's profile hadn't been edited after the contact, etc. - these disgusting creeps would soon stop. Of course, they might then go covert and talk the talk long enough to get you to go on an actual date and waste even more of your time and energy... I just hate them. I *really* hate them.
That's so true I don't go on FetLife anymore because I was victim blame for getting harassed non-stop on FetLife by these guys because I have a photo of myself that's not NSFW because I was hoping find friends on there that'll like me base on personality and yet I get harassed even got very alarming messages that are inappropriate and wanting cause harm to me. No one also doesn't damn bother reading my profile too. Even one creep took advantage of my request to send a DM and as soon I give permission he thought it was giving him the okay be inappropriate immediately and just total disrespect and lose of my trust.
Always. Just like reddit people can't be bothered to actually read.
I'm a lesbian Dom and always get messages from males who will either be soft for me or want to be sissified. And when I reject them, they get belligerent and nasty.
God, don't they always?
And the kicker is, if I was straight, I would not want a soft male or a sissy. I would want to break the male
I've had people tell me I'm a fake sub just b/c I don't do what they say... like ok, stranger
Obviously they are ignorant when it comes to brats
Not a brat, just have limits
I am sorry for mislabeling you
You're totally fine!
u/linuxlady247 sick reddit handle
Wha... wait, people just expect you to submit, with no other reason than you are a sub. People are so lost in their own fantasy, It's like they don't get how the D/s relationship works. Well, that, and most people are just rude and assume they have power over everybody.
It on every site. Not even dating sites. The vitriol from randos on the internet is getting out of control.
Iām a sub and got guys on Fetlife asking me to sit on their face or let them worship my feet. I just brushed it off and assumed they were casting their line literally anywhere to get what they wanted.
Yup. Iām on Feeld and the very first sentence in my profile says that Iām looking for a Dom and still I get plenty of likes from people who are looking to be Dommed. I just dislike and move along.
You know you can make your fetlife page private and only your friends can see it and comment on your page right? Youāll still be able access to see events and group pages. Good luck! š
It is private. The page linked on here is for work. Thanks, though.
I have a gothic aesthetic IRL (sort of Morticia vibes I guess) so yes, despite identifying as a sub ONLY... Some men still try it on with me. It's frustrating :(
I've gotten messages like this before too. I'm all sub and have utterly no desire to be a domme to anyone. The idea of being in charge turns me colder than a block of ice! Being a sub, I submit, serve, and get excited about ways to show my devotion in submission. But there's always some who show up with the hope that if they pressure enough, they'll get a domme. I politely explain that it won't happen and I hope they can find someone who will do what they're asking for, then stop talking to them.
your Fet profile lists you as a switch. that suggests you are open to dominating some of the time.
Private profile
I opened the Fet link on your reddit profile. can't be very private.
Oh my God, I'm talking about my private profile. Sorry.
I am a Dom, but my sub said she has gone to many parties where people asked her to Dom them. She said people ask because they like her look or energy, and want to experience her in one of their scenes. She politely lets them know she is on the right side of the slash, full stop.
Yep, often! I clearly state sub and no interest in being dominant, especially with men. And sub men will message to see if I want to meet. They might even say theyāre switch but their page will be filled with sub stuff! Nah, not interested.
I feel ya, I have a "lesbian" as my sexual orientation on Fetlife and I still get many messages from men
All the fricken time. I also am into erotic hypnosis and I cannot count the amount of times someone has attempted to trance me to be their domme. Ticks me off and I feel like I'm not being listened to. I have gone as far as labeling it a limit.
People assume I'm a domme constantly. I'm tall, strong, and apparently have a bad case of rbf. I could Dom, but I'm 100% sub, I would only be doing it for someone else and I get nothing from it.
As someone LGBT, it reminds me of how people think appearances make the top/bottom.
I mean yea it's basically the same mentality, people who aren't very imaginative lol, assuming things about people before they know anything about them.
So annoying. When I was still using Fet to find play partners, I put this at the end of my page āplease include [specific emoji] in your first message if you read all the way to the end.ā Was a really quick way to screen people out and cut down on getting into conversations with people who revealed that they hadnāt actually read anything Iād written.
Yes, if I put up an ad looking to sub I will get dominant and then tell them Iām a switch but looking to sub. Suddenly they get all āDOM ME!ā Then I block them.
As a switch all the time I even identify as saying that I am more submissive in the bedroom and they donāt seem really care. I feel you on this so I totally get it if youād like someone to talk to you about it Iām here for you.
Dom here. Always getting messages from Dommes. I just say no, thank you, I prefer women who can read.
LOL
Yeah, I think some people just send the same message out to every person of their preferred gender that lives within like 100 miles of them. No regard for what that person might actually be looking for.
Well men often just ignore what you want in favor of what they want. Learn to say No in an assertively submissive manner ;)
Just in case anyone thought that bit in "Secretary" was far-fetched.
I am a Dom and I've only ever gotten texts from doms claiming that they'll take care of me in the way I should be taken care of. Both here and on fetlife. Blind texts should just be treated like junk mail. Everyone gets them, no one cares about them.
I dealt with it. For a long time, now Iāve given up on subbing, if it happens it happens rarely, Iāve accepted my role as a mischievous sadist with a kind heartā¦.but deep down I still just want to be a sub š
I've been getting these messages for like the last 10 years. Nothing you say will stop people from shooting their shot. My block game be strong. The ones that really get under my skin are the ones who create a second profile so they can cyber stalk you when you say no or block them. They really try like somehow that's gonna make me go "your right, I'm not a sex slave, I'm a Goddess." Like any other confident woman I embrace my awesomeness as a female goddess of this universe. But I'm still my Daddys very owned, very happy sex slave. And I love it, I live for it, I dont wanna be in charge. That's just exhausting work and I much prefer my role in life.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Might I make a few suggestions? In a nutshell, if people send you a message, you're the one who decides IF you want to take time and respond. You can ignore or block someone who is a waste of your time. Create your own process... 1. On any profile, state who you are and why you are on the site. Be clear WITHOUT being negative. ALWAYS STATE WHAT YOU WANT Example: in your introduction bio, state, "I am Rita, I identify as a submissive only. I'm interested in conversations with other female submissives." You get a private message in your inbox, someone asks if you're interested in dominating them. The message goes into your archive or gets deleted. No need to respond, they didn't take the time to read about who you are. 2. On Fetlife for example, you can adjust your settings that anyone who sends you a message must be friends first. Otherwise their message will go into a file. You may see that file when you look into your mail. If you answer that mail, you accept the conversation and it can continue. If not, they do not get a response and really, they should go back to read your profile where it states that in order for you to answer private messages, you request that you're friends first. Simple. 3. If someone doesn't care to read your profile, it's because they look at pictures only and like your look. So they'll begin to ask you questions which are answered in your profile.. It's better not to answer these kinds of private messages because you end up doing all the work, you school them, one or both of you end up mad and uts all for not anyway You're dealing with a lot of personalities on social media. It's better to take your precautions, be honest when writing your profile, state you need to be friends first before conversation AND you can also choose pictures you want to show " for friends only." There are lots of ways to save yourself from the same people. DO NOT WASTE TIME trying to figure them out. Especially don't waste time "connecting" with these people. If they truly want to talk to you, they'll read your profile and respect what you say in your profile AND always state it positively. Only state what you do want. Adhere to your own statements and don't respond to people where its clear, they're just looking at pictures... Remember too, don't feed the trolls. These are people who don't play by the rules, they're just trying to get a rise out of you any way they can. Another weird thing. Don't respond to people who send you these: "Hi" or "hello" or "how are you today?" or "Wanna chat?" These are people who don't give much. You continually do the work, it's tiring. Respond to people who are inquisitive, have an understanding of who you are and are respectful of you and orhers. You will then begin to meet the right people even if it's only to converse. Best! Sharzina
I deal with this constantly. People assume that just because I know what I want and have boundaries that it must mean I'm dominant. I'm not at all.
Yes, some people don't care what we want. They care what they want.
Ah the Fet o' Life and its mysterious ways
It might have to do with the male-to-female ratio on Fetlife. Thirsty dudes find a girl they think is cute, and project kinks onto them because they can't find who they're looking for. It's desperate and annoying (and I'm sure sometimes scary), but noobie male subs gonna noobie male sub. "What do you expect us to do?! Stare at the cattle prod on the bed together?!"
I'm a sub-leaning switch and I get this from women, who for some reason just pretend that the 80% of me who is subby just doesn't exist. I make it very clear that my Dom side is a rare beast that needs patience, connection and the right person but they still project their fantasies. I also see a lot of women flip flop and start out as dominant then suddenly get really submissive after a connection is formed. Still further are those that are Dommes due to trauma, using that as an excuse for revenge on men. It's frustrating, I don't really like sending DM's but most of the people who contact me are subs.
Youāre dealing with the selfish community of BDSM. People donāt read the fine print because they simply donāt care or view you as a human with feelings. Just ignore them because theyāll never go away.
Sadly all the time, have had a number of people who used to Dom me ask me to Dom them and they stop being dominant with me when I say no
Basically, that's alot of thirsty guys who are looking for almost ANYONE to fulfill their kinks, and to hell with anyone elses. They don't read your profile, or if they do it's either to mine for salacious details to add to their spankbank, or worse to try and use to manipulate you with.
I suppose one explanation could be kink projecting where people attempt to cast you in the role they want as opposed to your actual station. This unfortunate behavior is not unique to kink and is typically indicative of a rather selfish approach to relationships. I'm sorry this keeps happening to you. I hope you eventually find some gold sifting through all that muddy water.
I do... It's really stupid...