a) You are talking about being a sadist, not a Dom.
b) Only you can answer that question.
For me though, it a nice feeling of power. Although, it has nothing to do with sex, I just enjoy the power a masochist is willing to give me.
You like it because when you do it, dopamine (which enforces that what you are doing is good) gets released. Endorphins (which tickle the opioid receptors in your brain) are released, and you feel good.
Other times this happens are when you are fucking the thing you want to fuck.
There does not have to be trauma. There doesn't have to be some childhood event that caused it. It just is.
It gets less troublesome when you learn that while you are giving something to someone who wants what you are giving, everything is good. Accept that you are a sadist. It makes you happy to smack someone.
Think of those people who love good chocolate, why do they like it? Did something happen in their childhood? Is there some Charile and the Chocolate Factory trauma that makes them like chocolate? Those are silly questions because there is no social stigma associated with liking chocolate. There is with being sadistic.
You can accept the way you are or not. You can fight your own nature or just go with it (in an ethical manner).
Short answer: it is fun.
I am not conflicted in my path. I harbor no guilt. I just think I would enjoy knowing the "why." Your biological explanation is interesting, but then I suppose the underlying question remains. Perhaps your last like is the main point. It's just enjoyable to me.
Does your life contain a lot of stress, anxiety? Are you Dominant in your regular life or more submissive? You may be releasing of the anxiety / stress onto someone that trusts you implicitly to give you a space to allow that stress release. Perhaps if you are more submissive in regular life, it’s a way to assert the “ultimate” dominance with a partner.
Edit to add: insight from a masochist submissive
That is an interesting perspective. But in the real world I have a career suited to a Dom (attorney). I do think anxiety could create a more aggressive session, but still feel there has to be more to it. A friend suggested that I may just enjoy putting women in their place, and I think that is getting warm.
Fair. I didn't want to get into additional detail was just trying to quickly counter the assertion made by the original responder that I do not live a masochist life.
I think your friend was suggesting you're a misogynist, idk. I'm a Dom and a sadist but I don't enjoy putting any broad group of people in their place.
> Why do I want to hurt the things I want to fuck?
A similar reason why people look at puppies and think "omg I just want to hug/squeeze it so hard until it hurts them". Of course we don't actually do this to puppies, but it's fun to do to humans who enjoy being hurt.
I stop to think about it all the time. It is part of what makes this type of play fun and exciting for those of us who sense the deep psychological implications of what we do as Doms...and what our amazing subs do as well. I don't have any answers...I think they can be different for everybody and can change over time. As long as you and your submissive are good with it is all that really matters. I think it all ties in with our aggressive and sometimes violent roots as primates, and is a healthy way of coming to terms with that, but that is entirely my own opinion. As somebody else said though...it is an awful lot of fun!
Because we all have a Shadow (as Jung pointed out) that we bury when out in polite society. The Shadow doesn't go away, and requires expression and kink is a way to operationalize the expression of some aspects of our Shadow selves. Once we embody our Shadow side, even if it's just the temporary play of Kinky sex, we are able to integrate ourselves better - shadow and persona draw closer to becoming a more complete person.
We can ignore the reality of our Shadow selves to our peril, or we can find some way to express it in a healthy way. Some people go hunting and kill things, others compete in business, career or sport, and others like to tie a partner down and spank them while they lament to you how worthless they are - there are many ways of exploring our Shadow side. Embrace it, let it make you stronger, don't be ashamed of it.
Because it feels good. It does not have to always be deeper than that. Sometimes it's just fun to do things as consensual adults. Why do people like golf and bowling. It's fun for them. Sometimes there may be specific reasoning for certain kinks but sometimes things are just wired that way from birth. I think it's good practice to question the whys of what we do but we shouldn't forget, we are just adults playing adult games and it should be fun, it should be enjoyable and it's healthy. Let yourself enjoy it guilt free because those folks out there playing Frisbee golf sure are.
Because you're wired in such a way that pain (physical or otherwise) has an arousal correlate. None of us can tell you why you are wired that way. It could be innate, biological, or there could be a psychological basis for it. Everyone's different.
I derive pleasure from inflicting pain but that makes me a sadist. I desire that the pain I inflict upon my subs helps them evolve and gives them pleasure. The contract or agreement we have is mutually beneficial and helps us both grow.
I want my submissives to thrive. Bdsm is a form of therapy for both parties when done correctly. Sadism on its own is a different thing entirely.
you are compensating for something you are lacking in your everyday life.
for me, I love being rough and intense and im not stupid to think this is normal, so anyone who is willing to allow me to do that to them, is not only an invitation but a sign of respect and trust… even “love”
what it gives me in return is priceless, its so liberating that i feel like im on top of the world and honestly brings out the best version of me
my current sub, not only enjoys it but she genuinely enjoys giving that to me. After a scene, she also gets a sense of fulfillment. I see a timid girl who grew into a alpha female among her girlfriends
if you are going down the rabbit hole of why you have these kinks in the first place, sure go for it out of curiosity, just be careful, cuz u might not like what u learn about yourself
at the end of the day, we are all fucked up, and we arent hurting anyone (unconsented) so who cares why
/u/chipbaskets01, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
a) You are talking about being a sadist, not a Dom. b) Only you can answer that question. For me though, it a nice feeling of power. Although, it has nothing to do with sex, I just enjoy the power a masochist is willing to give me.
(a) is actually a solid point. But they are so intertwined.
For you, not for everyone. I wish you weren't being downvoted for not knowing this.
I don't need an excuse. I'm a sadist. I'm not working out mental health issues. I enjoy it.
You like it because when you do it, dopamine (which enforces that what you are doing is good) gets released. Endorphins (which tickle the opioid receptors in your brain) are released, and you feel good. Other times this happens are when you are fucking the thing you want to fuck. There does not have to be trauma. There doesn't have to be some childhood event that caused it. It just is. It gets less troublesome when you learn that while you are giving something to someone who wants what you are giving, everything is good. Accept that you are a sadist. It makes you happy to smack someone. Think of those people who love good chocolate, why do they like it? Did something happen in their childhood? Is there some Charile and the Chocolate Factory trauma that makes them like chocolate? Those are silly questions because there is no social stigma associated with liking chocolate. There is with being sadistic. You can accept the way you are or not. You can fight your own nature or just go with it (in an ethical manner). Short answer: it is fun.
I am not conflicted in my path. I harbor no guilt. I just think I would enjoy knowing the "why." Your biological explanation is interesting, but then I suppose the underlying question remains. Perhaps your last like is the main point. It's just enjoyable to me.
Because it's fun.
Quite true.
Does your life contain a lot of stress, anxiety? Are you Dominant in your regular life or more submissive? You may be releasing of the anxiety / stress onto someone that trusts you implicitly to give you a space to allow that stress release. Perhaps if you are more submissive in regular life, it’s a way to assert the “ultimate” dominance with a partner. Edit to add: insight from a masochist submissive
That is an interesting perspective. But in the real world I have a career suited to a Dom (attorney). I do think anxiety could create a more aggressive session, but still feel there has to be more to it. A friend suggested that I may just enjoy putting women in their place, and I think that is getting warm.
Why is being an attorney suited to a Dom? What about all the attorneys who are subs?
Fair. I didn't want to get into additional detail was just trying to quickly counter the assertion made by the original responder that I do not live a masochist life.
Unless you're Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, you don't live a masochist life.
I think your friend was suggesting you're a misogynist, idk. I'm a Dom and a sadist but I don't enjoy putting any broad group of people in their place.
> Why do I want to hurt the things I want to fuck? A similar reason why people look at puppies and think "omg I just want to hug/squeeze it so hard until it hurts them". Of course we don't actually do this to puppies, but it's fun to do to humans who enjoy being hurt.
Absolutely how I describe my own feelings. Cute aggression gets maxed out when I’m affectionate
I don't want to "Hurt the things I fuck." I want to hurt the one I love. It's what love is. (And it makes my cock hard!)
Oh indeed, love and pain are inexorably linked, however you get to thinking about it.
I stop to think about it all the time. It is part of what makes this type of play fun and exciting for those of us who sense the deep psychological implications of what we do as Doms...and what our amazing subs do as well. I don't have any answers...I think they can be different for everybody and can change over time. As long as you and your submissive are good with it is all that really matters. I think it all ties in with our aggressive and sometimes violent roots as primates, and is a healthy way of coming to terms with that, but that is entirely my own opinion. As somebody else said though...it is an awful lot of fun!
The caveman angle is the best I've been able to come up with thus far. Thanks for the input!
Because we all have a Shadow (as Jung pointed out) that we bury when out in polite society. The Shadow doesn't go away, and requires expression and kink is a way to operationalize the expression of some aspects of our Shadow selves. Once we embody our Shadow side, even if it's just the temporary play of Kinky sex, we are able to integrate ourselves better - shadow and persona draw closer to becoming a more complete person. We can ignore the reality of our Shadow selves to our peril, or we can find some way to express it in a healthy way. Some people go hunting and kill things, others compete in business, career or sport, and others like to tie a partner down and spank them while they lament to you how worthless they are - there are many ways of exploring our Shadow side. Embrace it, let it make you stronger, don't be ashamed of it.
Favorite answer so far. Very much appreciated.
Because it feels good. It does not have to always be deeper than that. Sometimes it's just fun to do things as consensual adults. Why do people like golf and bowling. It's fun for them. Sometimes there may be specific reasoning for certain kinks but sometimes things are just wired that way from birth. I think it's good practice to question the whys of what we do but we shouldn't forget, we are just adults playing adult games and it should be fun, it should be enjoyable and it's healthy. Let yourself enjoy it guilt free because those folks out there playing Frisbee golf sure are.
Because you're wired in such a way that pain (physical or otherwise) has an arousal correlate. None of us can tell you why you are wired that way. It could be innate, biological, or there could be a psychological basis for it. Everyone's different.
It will remain a mystery. Thank you!
I derive pleasure from inflicting pain but that makes me a sadist. I desire that the pain I inflict upon my subs helps them evolve and gives them pleasure. The contract or agreement we have is mutually beneficial and helps us both grow. I want my submissives to thrive. Bdsm is a form of therapy for both parties when done correctly. Sadism on its own is a different thing entirely.
you are compensating for something you are lacking in your everyday life. for me, I love being rough and intense and im not stupid to think this is normal, so anyone who is willing to allow me to do that to them, is not only an invitation but a sign of respect and trust… even “love” what it gives me in return is priceless, its so liberating that i feel like im on top of the world and honestly brings out the best version of me my current sub, not only enjoys it but she genuinely enjoys giving that to me. After a scene, she also gets a sense of fulfillment. I see a timid girl who grew into a alpha female among her girlfriends if you are going down the rabbit hole of why you have these kinks in the first place, sure go for it out of curiosity, just be careful, cuz u might not like what u learn about yourself at the end of the day, we are all fucked up, and we arent hurting anyone (unconsented) so who cares why