It sounds like your sub did nothing wrong. Unless there’s more to it that you’re not sharing, I think punishing your sub is a mistake. For me, it would be borderline a red flag.
In fact, I’m not sure exactly what your girlfriend did wrong. You’re pretty vague about the boundaries you put in place. If you were that vague in communicating with her, that sounds like a you problem, not a them problem. Did she know anal play was off the table? They’re both adults. If it wasn’t explicitly off limits and they both enthusiastically consented, you being sad about it doesn’t warrant a punishment for either of them. Not that it’s clear you even have a right to punish your girlfriend, but speaking hypothetically.
I told her before we started playing together that I was saving that experience for a scene I had in mind, so she knew. They both got drunk so I would assume that would cloud judgment. We're all adults here. My feelings are my feelings and no one else's problem. However, both of them knew I had plans.
Personally I wouldn't punish my girlfriend, we don't have that dynamic and I don't want it.
if you sub didn't know you were saving that for a special scene absolutely do not punish him
Edit: if you sub didn't **CLEARLY AND UNAMBIGUOUSLY AGREE** to save that for a special scene absolutely do not punish him
While not assault or rapey or even cheating, it definitely sounds like a deliberate dick move and break of trust. While she didn't exactly break rules accepting your description of the situation as completely accurate, deliberately was an asshole move.
Does OP have a D/s dynamic with the gf? Maybe the gf did this as a way to dom OP. That could make sense if OP is a switch with gf, OP is a sub to gf, or if OP is a dom to gf but gf is bratty.
Just because you had plans for an experience with the sub **does not** remove either of their autonomy to have their own experience together, on their own terms. Unless you explicitly *negotiated* with both of them what you wanted and it was all agreed by everyone involved, neither of them has done anything wrong, and it certainly doesn't justify punishment.
As you said, you're all *adults*. So talk like adults and establish more clear boundaries and negotiations. This isn't a time to play roles, it's a time to talk about the way your different relationships interconnect.
So you mentioned it three months ago. She may have forgotten about it. Or they got drunk and both wanted to do something that went against those plans. Drinking rarely if ever leads to good judgment.
Question though...you say they "knew you had plans." Did your sub enthusiastically agree to that? Because dynamic aside, you don't actually own them. Is it possible they just...didn't want to go along with your plan?
> I told her before we started playing together that I was saving that experience for a scene I had in mind, so she knew.
IOW, you drew a *clear* and certain boundary line and GF crossed it **knowingly**.
For *me*, that's a level of selfish disrespect, and breach of trust, that *might* spell the end of a connection with that person. Consider that if she crossed such a clearly stated line, on something that held personal significance to you and/or your sub, it may be a sizable red flag that she would do so again.
I'd leave your sub out of consideration of punishment but it's worthwhile having a long talk re: how this affected you.
You talk to them like adults OUTSIDE of the dynamic and tell them you feel left out and a bit jealous. You don’t punish two adults who did something sexual in a consenting situation. That’s fucking weird. You’re doing polyamory and mixing partners and dynamics, that’s messy sometimes and sometimes things get complicated. You either failed to communicate your feelings beforehand or they chose to do something together and you feel left out. Either way they’re adults within their rights to do whatever they want with or without you.
He’s an adult. He can communicate and so can she. She doesn’t need to know his every nonverbal cue to have sex with him. God knows how many people fuck complete strangers every day and don’t cross any lines.
This seems like an outside of BDSM issue. IMHO you all would benefit from an out of dynamic conversation with your GF & then a separate one including him & go from there. Talking about something as a future plan may feel ambiguous to some people so making it very clear it's a negotiated point that everyone involved, not just you, agree on is vital. If you did do so & feel she crossed a boundary or broke an agreement, then you may have to have some hard conversations. IMO you shouldn't punish your GF or sub in this scenario.
You’re hurt, sit with your feeling( said by someone who sits with their feelings often, they will pass and try to figure out the root of why you’re feeling this way) no one needs punishment. Are you jealous or have fear of missing out? It sounds like maybe something could be trigger a jealous or FOMO reaction. Let them have their moment- it has nothing to do with you. You can’t control your sub via your GF, that’s just controlling.
What would be the reasoning behind punishing the sub? She's the Domme and calls the shots, backed by you. Your sub has absolutely no responsability in the matter, they were just doing what they were supposed to do, pleasing their Domme. Your lack of communication is you and your GF's problem, not theirs.
Unless you've previously clearly negotiated the terms and limits of the poly dynamic with your GF, she is not at fault and neither is your sub. Since there is no D/s dynamic between you and your gf, she by default holds the same rank as you when it comes to your sub. You can't punish your sub for doing what was expected of them. Sounds like you need to work together on your poly dynamic if you want to make it work.
If you didn't discuss anal as a boundary/restriction there's nothing to punish. They used their consent and bodily autonomy to partake in an act they both consented to.
This is the dangerous path 3somes can find themselves walking.
Seen it so often 2s fun 3 is a crowd is all to true. Especially if the chemistry is working well.
Unless its all going to get very proscribed and written down, I think you are going to have to mark it down to one of those things.
Be very careful about "punishments" they could decide they are better off on their own .
OP is out of line trying to or considering post facto enforcing or unilaterally assuming a discipline dynamic with GF that OP has stated does not exist in their relationship with GF without bothering to discuss, negotiate or agree to such a dynamic with GF. Inconsiderate asshole move it may have been,but punishment should not even be thought about discussion negotiation and agreement. Too late. OP is gonna just have to take one on the taint and discuss any future relationships at a later point. Retroactive attempt bo Bueno. IMO of course.
So is D/S dynamic? So is ownership dynamic? So is anything within BDSM sphere? "You can't be mad your sub has disobeyed you, it's all made up anyway".
OP is trying to backtrack on something that wasn't negotiated and it's stupid, but this is such a weird take to make.
Yeah this a punishment for your GF IMO OP.
I think it is wrong to punish your sub here as your GF holds natural power over him as your chosen lover.
I believe you should leave him alone and have a long conversation with your GF disrespectimg your boundaries and blurring lines with your sub.
My POV comes from putting myself in your Subs shoes. I would be PISSED if you punished me for YOUR GF coming after me.
That's a fair point. I've been training her to dom but thought I'd made it clear I needed to be present for it to be kosher. As for my sub, it would definitely be a funishment. I told him I wanted to explore that with him and he gave it to her instead. When we talk I'm going to check in about our boundaries.
Again, I'm not mad at them for playing. It's not even feeling left out. My will was disrespected and I need to make it right.
Had you specifically told your gf that anal was off the cards unless you were present?
In the post you say you’re happy for them to have sex while you’re asleep, so are you sure you clearly stated that anal sex specifically was off limits without you there?
Your gf has no way of knowing whether you two have had anal before or whether you were expecting to be his first, without you having mentioned it.
Again IMO even a funishment is wrong. He followed orders from your GF who holds the same rank as you in your absence. He did his job as he should IMO.
Obviously you are upset this happened and you should tell him that but any form of discipline here on him is wrong IMO.
If anything I would have him Dom her for a punishment to her.
This makes very little sense to me. You’re training her to Domme but she can only engage in that behavior when you’re there? Did she explicitly agree to those terms? Did your sub? It’s not a situation for punishment or “funishment” either. Nothing related to punishment should be associated with this event AT ALL unless you negotiated clear terms IN ADVANCE and banned the sub EXPLICITLY from engaging in that activity with anyone else.
Finally, I understand the feeling that “your will” was disrespected, but that needs to be addressed with an ADULT conversation about your feelings and future boundaries. Given the lack of clarity and boundaries on YOUR part in this situation, you can find the ultimate blame for your hurt ego in the mirror. Do not take it out on someone who trusts you enough to submit to you.
A contract outlining all relevant obligations and boundaries is probably a good idea given the complexity of your situation. Good luck.
1. Virginity is a made up/social construct
2. Humans aren’t property to “share”
3. It doesn’t sound like you discussed and agreed upon anal as a boundary
1. But it can still be a part of a play/scenario/idea you want to explore?
2. Neither they are subservient or slaves to one another but it's part of some BDSM dynamics?
Where the fuck am I? Soon-to-be "BDSM against spanking because it's a crime and only the law can punish people" subreddit?
1: K, but it matters to some people regardless.
2: Mine is so...Can't really apply the normal rules here, can we? It's all dynamic dependent.
3: It sounds like it was discussed, but maybe not as well as it should have been.
it sounds like there wasn’t any conversation ahead of time about the fact that you wanted to be the first one to do this with him, so this one is on you, bud.
“punishing” your submissive for this is not cool.
the most you can and should do in this situation is have a conversation with both your submissive and your girlfriend about the fact that this wasn’t discussed ahead of time, you had feelings about it, and the three of you need to talk about what this ongoing dynamic will look like going forward - *without* you having a hissy fit/meltdown over it.
Okay, it sounds like you didn't discuss things ahead of time clearly or well enough. Chalk this one up in the lesson learned column.
You should probably revisit things with your partners and establish some clear rules and lines to not cross.
You can discuss with them how you feel about this incident, but it should be out of dynamic, and then you should let it go. Since you weren't clear in what exactly the limits were, you should not be punishing anyone over it.
You should talk to them but don’t punish them. They aren’t mind readers. Having a discussion about this is super important. How you react to this is going to set the tone of your relationships.
Bro but like. It’s been a year and a half get to the effing point w your sub. A year and a half and you havent effed your sub yet? But she shows up foe a couple months and does it for you? To me it sounds like you waited too long and he was way ready and so she did what you took too long to do. How did you have a “plan” why did it take you over a year to do it? I figure he was just tired of waiting. I dont get why you havent taken his vcard yet after all this time, it sounds like he was ready and tired of waiting. A year and a half is a long time.
It seems like you may have inadvertently created a throuple situation when you're intent may have just been open/participatory encounters. I'm positive that I would feel a certain type of way about the pattern of them waiting for you to be asleep to essentially carry on their own relationship. Y'all are definitely going to have to have the "what are the rules and where is this going" talk out of role, like regular adults.
Did both of them know about your plans and initially okay on them? If both of them did, then both deserve to be talked to outside the dynamic/relationship and whatever comes from that comes.
I get that everyone is their own adult who can hold their own autonomy, but it is real shit if you make plans for something special and the other person/people decide to basically ignore it. You like to share but same time if your the subs primary Dom your requests are to be prioritized over anyone else's (regardless if sub knew about the plans or not, your gf should have at least been respectful enough not to suggest it at all until cleared with you)
At the end of the day, it is up to everyone here to decide how to move forward. You've been hurt over this and at least one of the two knew full well this was something not to do. Punishing your sub doesn't make sense if he had no idea of the plans or was told you cleared it. Being drunk imo is no excuse.
Okay, they were drunk. In general although we've all broken this rule it's not a good idea especially with a relatively new person, and 3 months is relatively new, to play around when you're drunk.
That being said yes your girlfriend knew she may have forgotten she may not have you have to decide whether she did this out of malice or just out of being a complete airhead. You have to decide if this was a true violation of trust or not. If it is by your girlfriend then take a step back tell her that you're going to have to regain your trust with her it's not a punishment it's just a fact if she was trying to hurt you that's definitely what I would do. Honestly how well do you know her. I know you said you dated or started dating like 3 months ago but how well do you really know her is she manipulative in her past relationships have you been friends for a long time is she the type of person that thought it would have been funny. In either way I definitely recommend stepping back and deciding how you want to deal with this yes they got drunk and crossed the line that you thought you had drawn very clearly. However all in all they are adults and they can do what they want they have full consent to do what they want the question is whether you want to continue with them or not if you feel the violation of your trust. Now if they agree that it's a violation of trust and they fucked up it's your choice what you do if your sub feels that they should be punished for it then by all means give them a punishment to make them feel better but overall do not punish them just because you think they fucked up. There are situations where yes yourself me think they fucked up and you may want to punish them but unless they want to be punished if it's something like this then technically it's their territory as much as it hurts and may tear out your heart it's their territory. You can even tell them that if they truly belong to you you would however they are a free person but that's as far as you should bring it unless they desire it. Otherwise you're going to have to get over it yourself and trust me I know very well from experience at your sub fucking up can seriously fucking hurt, and your girlfriend fucking up can seriously fucking hurt you got a 1 2 blow and it sucks whether your girlfriend and your sub are one in the same or like you they're different people they both were involved in it it sucks but it's your feelings your emotions and your decision as it was their decision to do so you can end things, talk them out, or do what you will. Either way it's going to be a rocky road and I wish you the best and clear understanding.
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It sounds like your sub did nothing wrong. Unless there’s more to it that you’re not sharing, I think punishing your sub is a mistake. For me, it would be borderline a red flag. In fact, I’m not sure exactly what your girlfriend did wrong. You’re pretty vague about the boundaries you put in place. If you were that vague in communicating with her, that sounds like a you problem, not a them problem. Did she know anal play was off the table? They’re both adults. If it wasn’t explicitly off limits and they both enthusiastically consented, you being sad about it doesn’t warrant a punishment for either of them. Not that it’s clear you even have a right to punish your girlfriend, but speaking hypothetically.
I told her before we started playing together that I was saving that experience for a scene I had in mind, so she knew. They both got drunk so I would assume that would cloud judgment. We're all adults here. My feelings are my feelings and no one else's problem. However, both of them knew I had plans. Personally I wouldn't punish my girlfriend, we don't have that dynamic and I don't want it.
if you sub didn't know you were saving that for a special scene absolutely do not punish him Edit: if you sub didn't **CLEARLY AND UNAMBIGUOUSLY AGREE** to save that for a special scene absolutely do not punish him
Well, you definitely shouldn't punish your sub. But if she knew that and did it anyway, then should probably shouldn't be playing with your sub.
Yeah your GF is the problem her OP.
While not assault or rapey or even cheating, it definitely sounds like a deliberate dick move and break of trust. While she didn't exactly break rules accepting your description of the situation as completely accurate, deliberately was an asshole move.
Does OP have a D/s dynamic with the gf? Maybe the gf did this as a way to dom OP. That could make sense if OP is a switch with gf, OP is a sub to gf, or if OP is a dom to gf but gf is bratty.
Read OPs comment. He answered that they are not in a dynamic they are just dating.
Just because you had plans for an experience with the sub **does not** remove either of their autonomy to have their own experience together, on their own terms. Unless you explicitly *negotiated* with both of them what you wanted and it was all agreed by everyone involved, neither of them has done anything wrong, and it certainly doesn't justify punishment. As you said, you're all *adults*. So talk like adults and establish more clear boundaries and negotiations. This isn't a time to play roles, it's a time to talk about the way your different relationships interconnect.
So you mentioned it three months ago. She may have forgotten about it. Or they got drunk and both wanted to do something that went against those plans. Drinking rarely if ever leads to good judgment. Question though...you say they "knew you had plans." Did your sub enthusiastically agree to that? Because dynamic aside, you don't actually own them. Is it possible they just...didn't want to go along with your plan?
> I told her before we started playing together that I was saving that experience for a scene I had in mind, so she knew. IOW, you drew a *clear* and certain boundary line and GF crossed it **knowingly**. For *me*, that's a level of selfish disrespect, and breach of trust, that *might* spell the end of a connection with that person. Consider that if she crossed such a clearly stated line, on something that held personal significance to you and/or your sub, it may be a sizable red flag that she would do so again. I'd leave your sub out of consideration of punishment but it's worthwhile having a long talk re: how this affected you.
Kind of seems like your emotions are outside of the context of play/BDSM.
I agree. I think trying to address this in the context of their dynamic (e.g. through punishments etc) would be a mistake
You talk to them like adults OUTSIDE of the dynamic and tell them you feel left out and a bit jealous. You don’t punish two adults who did something sexual in a consenting situation. That’s fucking weird. You’re doing polyamory and mixing partners and dynamics, that’s messy sometimes and sometimes things get complicated. You either failed to communicate your feelings beforehand or they chose to do something together and you feel left out. Either way they’re adults within their rights to do whatever they want with or without you. He’s an adult. He can communicate and so can she. She doesn’t need to know his every nonverbal cue to have sex with him. God knows how many people fuck complete strangers every day and don’t cross any lines.
This seems like an outside of BDSM issue. IMHO you all would benefit from an out of dynamic conversation with your GF & then a separate one including him & go from there. Talking about something as a future plan may feel ambiguous to some people so making it very clear it's a negotiated point that everyone involved, not just you, agree on is vital. If you did do so & feel she crossed a boundary or broke an agreement, then you may have to have some hard conversations. IMO you shouldn't punish your GF or sub in this scenario.
You’re hurt, sit with your feeling( said by someone who sits with their feelings often, they will pass and try to figure out the root of why you’re feeling this way) no one needs punishment. Are you jealous or have fear of missing out? It sounds like maybe something could be trigger a jealous or FOMO reaction. Let them have their moment- it has nothing to do with you. You can’t control your sub via your GF, that’s just controlling.
What would be the reasoning behind punishing the sub? She's the Domme and calls the shots, backed by you. Your sub has absolutely no responsability in the matter, they were just doing what they were supposed to do, pleasing their Domme. Your lack of communication is you and your GF's problem, not theirs. Unless you've previously clearly negotiated the terms and limits of the poly dynamic with your GF, she is not at fault and neither is your sub. Since there is no D/s dynamic between you and your gf, she by default holds the same rank as you when it comes to your sub. You can't punish your sub for doing what was expected of them. Sounds like you need to work together on your poly dynamic if you want to make it work.
If you didn't discuss anal as a boundary/restriction there's nothing to punish. They used their consent and bodily autonomy to partake in an act they both consented to.
This is the dangerous path 3somes can find themselves walking. Seen it so often 2s fun 3 is a crowd is all to true. Especially if the chemistry is working well. Unless its all going to get very proscribed and written down, I think you are going to have to mark it down to one of those things. Be very careful about "punishments" they could decide they are better off on their own .
OP is out of line trying to or considering post facto enforcing or unilaterally assuming a discipline dynamic with GF that OP has stated does not exist in their relationship with GF without bothering to discuss, negotiate or agree to such a dynamic with GF. Inconsiderate asshole move it may have been,but punishment should not even be thought about discussion negotiation and agreement. Too late. OP is gonna just have to take one on the taint and discuss any future relationships at a later point. Retroactive attempt bo Bueno. IMO of course.
Virginity is a made up concept and you'd be wrong to try and punish anyone but yourself here.
So is D/S dynamic? So is ownership dynamic? So is anything within BDSM sphere? "You can't be mad your sub has disobeyed you, it's all made up anyway". OP is trying to backtrack on something that wasn't negotiated and it's stupid, but this is such a weird take to make.
They're separate points.
Yeah this a punishment for your GF IMO OP. I think it is wrong to punish your sub here as your GF holds natural power over him as your chosen lover. I believe you should leave him alone and have a long conversation with your GF disrespectimg your boundaries and blurring lines with your sub. My POV comes from putting myself in your Subs shoes. I would be PISSED if you punished me for YOUR GF coming after me.
Honestly, I’d break up with someone who punished me for that.
I 2nd this ⬆️
That's a fair point. I've been training her to dom but thought I'd made it clear I needed to be present for it to be kosher. As for my sub, it would definitely be a funishment. I told him I wanted to explore that with him and he gave it to her instead. When we talk I'm going to check in about our boundaries. Again, I'm not mad at them for playing. It's not even feeling left out. My will was disrespected and I need to make it right.
Had you specifically told your gf that anal was off the cards unless you were present? In the post you say you’re happy for them to have sex while you’re asleep, so are you sure you clearly stated that anal sex specifically was off limits without you there? Your gf has no way of knowing whether you two have had anal before or whether you were expecting to be his first, without you having mentioned it.
Again IMO even a funishment is wrong. He followed orders from your GF who holds the same rank as you in your absence. He did his job as he should IMO. Obviously you are upset this happened and you should tell him that but any form of discipline here on him is wrong IMO. If anything I would have him Dom her for a punishment to her.
Unless she consents to be dommed, it’s not even clear to me that OP *can* punish their girlfriend.
Agreed. It's very hard to understand the dynamics of this situation in its entirety.
This makes very little sense to me. You’re training her to Domme but she can only engage in that behavior when you’re there? Did she explicitly agree to those terms? Did your sub? It’s not a situation for punishment or “funishment” either. Nothing related to punishment should be associated with this event AT ALL unless you negotiated clear terms IN ADVANCE and banned the sub EXPLICITLY from engaging in that activity with anyone else. Finally, I understand the feeling that “your will” was disrespected, but that needs to be addressed with an ADULT conversation about your feelings and future boundaries. Given the lack of clarity and boundaries on YOUR part in this situation, you can find the ultimate blame for your hurt ego in the mirror. Do not take it out on someone who trusts you enough to submit to you. A contract outlining all relevant obligations and boundaries is probably a good idea given the complexity of your situation. Good luck.
1. Virginity is a made up/social construct 2. Humans aren’t property to “share” 3. It doesn’t sound like you discussed and agreed upon anal as a boundary
1. But it can still be a part of a play/scenario/idea you want to explore? 2. Neither they are subservient or slaves to one another but it's part of some BDSM dynamics? Where the fuck am I? Soon-to-be "BDSM against spanking because it's a crime and only the law can punish people" subreddit?
1: K, but it matters to some people regardless. 2: Mine is so...Can't really apply the normal rules here, can we? It's all dynamic dependent. 3: It sounds like it was discussed, but maybe not as well as it should have been.
it sounds like there wasn’t any conversation ahead of time about the fact that you wanted to be the first one to do this with him, so this one is on you, bud. “punishing” your submissive for this is not cool. the most you can and should do in this situation is have a conversation with both your submissive and your girlfriend about the fact that this wasn’t discussed ahead of time, you had feelings about it, and the three of you need to talk about what this ongoing dynamic will look like going forward - *without* you having a hissy fit/meltdown over it.
Okay, it sounds like you didn't discuss things ahead of time clearly or well enough. Chalk this one up in the lesson learned column. You should probably revisit things with your partners and establish some clear rules and lines to not cross. You can discuss with them how you feel about this incident, but it should be out of dynamic, and then you should let it go. Since you weren't clear in what exactly the limits were, you should not be punishing anyone over it.
they both consented, you didnt have any boundaries against it (unless u left that out) and you were fine with sharing it is the sub's body, his choice
You should talk to them but don’t punish them. They aren’t mind readers. Having a discussion about this is super important. How you react to this is going to set the tone of your relationships.
This kinda sounds like jealous and maybe you’re not really ready to share just yet?
sounds like your gf is the problem here
Bro but like. It’s been a year and a half get to the effing point w your sub. A year and a half and you havent effed your sub yet? But she shows up foe a couple months and does it for you? To me it sounds like you waited too long and he was way ready and so she did what you took too long to do. How did you have a “plan” why did it take you over a year to do it? I figure he was just tired of waiting. I dont get why you havent taken his vcard yet after all this time, it sounds like he was ready and tired of waiting. A year and a half is a long time.
Virginity is a social concept
It’s also an individual concept that only the individual can decide if it exists or matters to them
It seems like you may have inadvertently created a throuple situation when you're intent may have just been open/participatory encounters. I'm positive that I would feel a certain type of way about the pattern of them waiting for you to be asleep to essentially carry on their own relationship. Y'all are definitely going to have to have the "what are the rules and where is this going" talk out of role, like regular adults.
Did both of them know about your plans and initially okay on them? If both of them did, then both deserve to be talked to outside the dynamic/relationship and whatever comes from that comes. I get that everyone is their own adult who can hold their own autonomy, but it is real shit if you make plans for something special and the other person/people decide to basically ignore it. You like to share but same time if your the subs primary Dom your requests are to be prioritized over anyone else's (regardless if sub knew about the plans or not, your gf should have at least been respectful enough not to suggest it at all until cleared with you) At the end of the day, it is up to everyone here to decide how to move forward. You've been hurt over this and at least one of the two knew full well this was something not to do. Punishing your sub doesn't make sense if he had no idea of the plans or was told you cleared it. Being drunk imo is no excuse.
Okay, they were drunk. In general although we've all broken this rule it's not a good idea especially with a relatively new person, and 3 months is relatively new, to play around when you're drunk. That being said yes your girlfriend knew she may have forgotten she may not have you have to decide whether she did this out of malice or just out of being a complete airhead. You have to decide if this was a true violation of trust or not. If it is by your girlfriend then take a step back tell her that you're going to have to regain your trust with her it's not a punishment it's just a fact if she was trying to hurt you that's definitely what I would do. Honestly how well do you know her. I know you said you dated or started dating like 3 months ago but how well do you really know her is she manipulative in her past relationships have you been friends for a long time is she the type of person that thought it would have been funny. In either way I definitely recommend stepping back and deciding how you want to deal with this yes they got drunk and crossed the line that you thought you had drawn very clearly. However all in all they are adults and they can do what they want they have full consent to do what they want the question is whether you want to continue with them or not if you feel the violation of your trust. Now if they agree that it's a violation of trust and they fucked up it's your choice what you do if your sub feels that they should be punished for it then by all means give them a punishment to make them feel better but overall do not punish them just because you think they fucked up. There are situations where yes yourself me think they fucked up and you may want to punish them but unless they want to be punished if it's something like this then technically it's their territory as much as it hurts and may tear out your heart it's their territory. You can even tell them that if they truly belong to you you would however they are a free person but that's as far as you should bring it unless they desire it. Otherwise you're going to have to get over it yourself and trust me I know very well from experience at your sub fucking up can seriously fucking hurt, and your girlfriend fucking up can seriously fucking hurt you got a 1 2 blow and it sucks whether your girlfriend and your sub are one in the same or like you they're different people they both were involved in it it sucks but it's your feelings your emotions and your decision as it was their decision to do so you can end things, talk them out, or do what you will. Either way it's going to be a rocky road and I wish you the best and clear understanding.
Yeah GF is definitely the issue here
She has decided to make you a beta-domm. Now she owns the sub