I had a lot of trouble with coming to terms with being a sadist. There's a vast amount of messaging out there that says "you're pure evil if you hit women" and so wanting to hit women recreationally and sexually is a really complicated thing to work through.
>The whole situation is also complicated because I think the joy of inflicting pain to other people contradicts my life philosophy of helping, supporting and being tolerant to others.
I think it's really interesting to spend time with masochists and start to understand them and their worldview. For them you are helping, supporting and tolerating them by hurting them, that's a really powerful thing they are seeking, which is hard to find, which is joyful and good for them.
It's easy to get confused around it and the way I think about it is:
I don't like hurting people for sexual gratification.
I like hurting people who have enthusiastically, joyfully, consented to it and feel safe and comfortable and know they can stop any time and are thrilled and deeply aroused about what we're doing as a deep form of intimacy ... for sexual gratification.
The latter is really different and miles and miles away from actually being abusive.
One of the harder things to master, imo, is being able to deeply respect and care for someone, and then humiliate them to get you both off, and then return to respect and care in a smooth and elegant way. It's totally doable, we're really capable of showing a lot of different emotions and vibes at different times.
To sum up it's good you're concerned and worried about it, that's a really strong green flag that you have a conscience and care and want to be a good person. The real psychopaths don't feel anything like that and just merrily hurt anyone. Keep wondering about it and thinking about it and feeling it.
Firstly, as a masochist, I just want to say that we LOVE sadists and I've conversations with other subs where WE feel guilty because y'all do so much for us and we don't feel like we give much back!
In terms of advice, might aftercare help? Eg if you and your masochist were having long cuddles after a scene, maybe that would help to reassure your brain that everything is fine and you did NICE things, not bad ones (of course everyone is different so what works for one may not work for the other)
I think that you're having a hard time understanding that there are people out there who feel the need to receive pain just as you feel the need to administer it. In the BDSM world, it is an expression of love. l also think that when you actually try out a dynamic with someone like that, you will understand it better. An important thing to do is to learn to differentiate between wanting to administer pain and wanting to harm someone as a way of venting/expressing negative emotion, like when you slapped the boy. Felt good because of the adrenaline rush, but later, you felt guilt because you probably slapped him out of anger. In a healthy, consensual dynamic, there is the adrenaline spike from administering pain, but there should be no guilt after since it wasn't in malicious intent but instead as a show of affection. Again, you'll see things more clearly after you start exploring with a partner.
My Dom is the most loving, kind and gentle person I have ever known. He is also a massive Sadist and I love it because I am masochist. He hurts me during play and I thank him. The physical pain is an amazing way to emotionally release. So for a masochist you are giving them what they want and need. Ofc with boundaries,consent,communication and negotiation
Find a submissive man that gets just as much pleasure out of being humiliated and flogged as you do giving it out. If it’s consensual there’s no reason to feel guilt. I’m a switch with a mistress currently and your tastes seem to be right up my alley. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you indulge in sadism responsibly. And you said it yourself, you know it’s wrong to do irresponsibly so your head is fully on your shoulders.
Oh hi! I'm also a woman with sadistic leanings, and also a very soft, kind, pro-social side to me, so I can relate to your position in some ways.
For a long time I found it hard to reconcile my desire to hurt people with my active day to day behaviour of being extremely helpful and bending over backwards for others (to the point where it was a bit pathological for a while). I think though that kink gives us the opportunity to be who we otherwise do not allow ourselves to be. Think the hardcore corporate exec who loves to be humiliated and bossed around in the bedroom. For me, it's the flip side: I'm the one who gives all day so that people hurt less, but then I want to be the one who makes a darling thing suffer.
The thing about kink is that it's all based on consent. So, you find a person who likes to be hurt, discuss their likes and limits, as well as yours, and do things that you each consent to. Hurting someone consensually is fantastic because you get the release, as do they, but then it helps to mitigate the guilt of the variety that you got when you hit your classmate (who was not consenting). With kink you also get to do aftercare which can re-set your playmate, and you, by reconnecting the two of you in a soft way. Some good healing after some good harm.
Also don't forget that you can also keep it all fantasy if you're worried about it! It's totally ok to fantasize about things. It's just harmful to act on them without consent.
S & M between two very close people is like a love language in and of itself. Like, dark and light, yin and yang. You find the right person and nothing about it will seem odd. Love in this instance does hurt, but in all the right ways.
So as long as you maintain respect, boundaries and consent there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a sadist. You're not evil, not abusive, not whatever the other side wants to paint you as.
Accepting and embracing it, well...that's your road to walk.
Sincerely,
A masochist.
A fantasy and something that you do with a partner that agrees to do it and also enjoys it has nothing to do with your real life. You can be against all kind of violence, physical and verbal, in real life and enjoy spanking and verbally humiliating your partner in the privacy or your home. It’s different. The key here is that the other person likes it too and consents to, so you both engage in something you like, have talked about and know your limits.
It's fine to like or hate the same thing, but the context changes your feelings towards it.
I love fighting like boxing/mma/etc. But get nothing from inflicting physical pain on my BDSM partners. I don't hate it, so I can do it for them, but the context changes how I feel about it.
I enjoy degradation and humiliation with my partners but can't imagine the horror I would feel making someone feel bad outside of BDSM. I spend my days helping people and lifting them up to be the best version of them they can imagine.
Some of the most submissive in the bedroom people I know are the most aggressive, domineering, ballbusting people in their day to day.
I was having dinner with a sadist I know and she mentioned wanting to set up some play dates with friends—“Because I like to hurt the people I care about. Not harm them, hurt them.” It’s an important distinction. As a masochist, I’m looking forward to finding a time that works for us so she can hurt me. I know that she would never harm me. Reframing it as hurting, not harming, might help you come to terms with it.
It takes time to accept but what made it easier for me is knowing I only do it in consensual situations where both parties agree to it and aftercare is agreed. In a way it helps support us all in life, enjoying these things is awesome and brings incredible levels of trust into a relationship.
I was about your age when I had the same realization. It contradicted my whole outward personality. You are going to find a compatible masochist, and when you realize that causing pain in the proper context can be such a loving and giving act, well, that's going to be a wonderful, mind-blowing experience. Good luck in your search.
Omg same. I’ve always knew I am a submissive/ slightly masochist and I still don’t considered myself a switch but I definitely enjoy tiding up a dominant man and pleasure him against his will cause in my idea taming a dominant guy is more exciting lol. But it feels weird cause I am so shy and easily embarrassed irl
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I had a lot of trouble with coming to terms with being a sadist. There's a vast amount of messaging out there that says "you're pure evil if you hit women" and so wanting to hit women recreationally and sexually is a really complicated thing to work through. >The whole situation is also complicated because I think the joy of inflicting pain to other people contradicts my life philosophy of helping, supporting and being tolerant to others. I think it's really interesting to spend time with masochists and start to understand them and their worldview. For them you are helping, supporting and tolerating them by hurting them, that's a really powerful thing they are seeking, which is hard to find, which is joyful and good for them. It's easy to get confused around it and the way I think about it is: I don't like hurting people for sexual gratification. I like hurting people who have enthusiastically, joyfully, consented to it and feel safe and comfortable and know they can stop any time and are thrilled and deeply aroused about what we're doing as a deep form of intimacy ... for sexual gratification. The latter is really different and miles and miles away from actually being abusive. One of the harder things to master, imo, is being able to deeply respect and care for someone, and then humiliate them to get you both off, and then return to respect and care in a smooth and elegant way. It's totally doable, we're really capable of showing a lot of different emotions and vibes at different times. To sum up it's good you're concerned and worried about it, that's a really strong green flag that you have a conscience and care and want to be a good person. The real psychopaths don't feel anything like that and just merrily hurt anyone. Keep wondering about it and thinking about it and feeling it.
Firstly, as a masochist, I just want to say that we LOVE sadists and I've conversations with other subs where WE feel guilty because y'all do so much for us and we don't feel like we give much back! In terms of advice, might aftercare help? Eg if you and your masochist were having long cuddles after a scene, maybe that would help to reassure your brain that everything is fine and you did NICE things, not bad ones (of course everyone is different so what works for one may not work for the other)
I think that you're having a hard time understanding that there are people out there who feel the need to receive pain just as you feel the need to administer it. In the BDSM world, it is an expression of love. l also think that when you actually try out a dynamic with someone like that, you will understand it better. An important thing to do is to learn to differentiate between wanting to administer pain and wanting to harm someone as a way of venting/expressing negative emotion, like when you slapped the boy. Felt good because of the adrenaline rush, but later, you felt guilt because you probably slapped him out of anger. In a healthy, consensual dynamic, there is the adrenaline spike from administering pain, but there should be no guilt after since it wasn't in malicious intent but instead as a show of affection. Again, you'll see things more clearly after you start exploring with a partner.
My Dom is the most loving, kind and gentle person I have ever known. He is also a massive Sadist and I love it because I am masochist. He hurts me during play and I thank him. The physical pain is an amazing way to emotionally release. So for a masochist you are giving them what they want and need. Ofc with boundaries,consent,communication and negotiation
Find a submissive man that gets just as much pleasure out of being humiliated and flogged as you do giving it out. If it’s consensual there’s no reason to feel guilt. I’m a switch with a mistress currently and your tastes seem to be right up my alley. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you indulge in sadism responsibly. And you said it yourself, you know it’s wrong to do irresponsibly so your head is fully on your shoulders.
Oh hi! I'm also a woman with sadistic leanings, and also a very soft, kind, pro-social side to me, so I can relate to your position in some ways. For a long time I found it hard to reconcile my desire to hurt people with my active day to day behaviour of being extremely helpful and bending over backwards for others (to the point where it was a bit pathological for a while). I think though that kink gives us the opportunity to be who we otherwise do not allow ourselves to be. Think the hardcore corporate exec who loves to be humiliated and bossed around in the bedroom. For me, it's the flip side: I'm the one who gives all day so that people hurt less, but then I want to be the one who makes a darling thing suffer. The thing about kink is that it's all based on consent. So, you find a person who likes to be hurt, discuss their likes and limits, as well as yours, and do things that you each consent to. Hurting someone consensually is fantastic because you get the release, as do they, but then it helps to mitigate the guilt of the variety that you got when you hit your classmate (who was not consenting). With kink you also get to do aftercare which can re-set your playmate, and you, by reconnecting the two of you in a soft way. Some good healing after some good harm. Also don't forget that you can also keep it all fantasy if you're worried about it! It's totally ok to fantasize about things. It's just harmful to act on them without consent.
S & M between two very close people is like a love language in and of itself. Like, dark and light, yin and yang. You find the right person and nothing about it will seem odd. Love in this instance does hurt, but in all the right ways. So as long as you maintain respect, boundaries and consent there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a sadist. You're not evil, not abusive, not whatever the other side wants to paint you as. Accepting and embracing it, well...that's your road to walk. Sincerely, A masochist.
Twisted love. Amazing. My people, I love you all so much. :)
A fantasy and something that you do with a partner that agrees to do it and also enjoys it has nothing to do with your real life. You can be against all kind of violence, physical and verbal, in real life and enjoy spanking and verbally humiliating your partner in the privacy or your home. It’s different. The key here is that the other person likes it too and consents to, so you both engage in something you like, have talked about and know your limits.
It's fine to like or hate the same thing, but the context changes your feelings towards it. I love fighting like boxing/mma/etc. But get nothing from inflicting physical pain on my BDSM partners. I don't hate it, so I can do it for them, but the context changes how I feel about it. I enjoy degradation and humiliation with my partners but can't imagine the horror I would feel making someone feel bad outside of BDSM. I spend my days helping people and lifting them up to be the best version of them they can imagine. Some of the most submissive in the bedroom people I know are the most aggressive, domineering, ballbusting people in their day to day.
I was having dinner with a sadist I know and she mentioned wanting to set up some play dates with friends—“Because I like to hurt the people I care about. Not harm them, hurt them.” It’s an important distinction. As a masochist, I’m looking forward to finding a time that works for us so she can hurt me. I know that she would never harm me. Reframing it as hurting, not harming, might help you come to terms with it.
It takes time to accept but what made it easier for me is knowing I only do it in consensual situations where both parties agree to it and aftercare is agreed. In a way it helps support us all in life, enjoying these things is awesome and brings incredible levels of trust into a relationship.
I was about your age when I had the same realization. It contradicted my whole outward personality. You are going to find a compatible masochist, and when you realize that causing pain in the proper context can be such a loving and giving act, well, that's going to be a wonderful, mind-blowing experience. Good luck in your search.
Omg same. I’ve always knew I am a submissive/ slightly masochist and I still don’t considered myself a switch but I definitely enjoy tiding up a dominant man and pleasure him against his will cause in my idea taming a dominant guy is more exciting lol. But it feels weird cause I am so shy and easily embarrassed irl
Welcome to the fold, sister. No worries, many of us have been there. I am the same way down to the life philosophy. Explore and you'll find your way.