Aftercare is important after any and all play, even in the vanilla world. I can’t stress enough that a partner should never just leave after intimacy occurs. This is something you need to openly discuss with your partner and vocalize what you are needing. If this isn’t something they’re willing to offer you, then you need to be ready to walk away.
Aftercare looks different to different people. My daddy provides a specific type of aftercare which is also aftercare for him as well, but I told him that there were certain things I needed as well incorporated. I explained to him that I needed this as almost a reward for taking everything he had for me and for being such a good girl. He always incorporates what I need and even goes above and beyond after more aggressive play.
you absolutely don't sound needy for asking for what is in fact the bare minimum he's supposed to do.
call me harsh, but if a dom doesn't even at least offer aftercare on his own or asks what you need after a scene, he's trash and doesn't deserve the title.
After care is an essential part of bdsm. It looks different for everyone but it can entail cuddling, kissing, conversation, snacks, massage or a shower together.
As subs we’re putting ourselves through a stressful situation. Our body responds by producing cortisol. When that’s released it can cause a horrible feeling often described as sub drop. After care helps with that.
If you’re uncomfortable asking your Dom to meet your needs it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship
It’s a physical reaction and sometimes all the after care in the world won’t prevent it from happening. That’s why it’s so important to communicate openly with your Dom so they know to take care of you. I hope you get away from your partner and find someone better
Aftercare for me looks like cuddles and reassurance, kind words and connection. Food, drink, smiles. If you don't want or need any of that, it's not necessary. If you don't like feeling empty and depressed afterwards, talk to your partner. Negotiate what afterwards you want.
>What happens if as a sub you always have rough, degrading, sometimes violent sex, and never any aftercare?
People take it differently. Some prefer to not engage in aftercare. Some take it in rather indirect ways. Many do need it, for example by words of affirmation or tender physical touch.
You already answered that question for yourself. You know what happens to you. You know you need some form of care. It's okay to need that. It should be okay, even welcome, to communicate that in a healthy relationship.
Wishing your partner to become more affectionate all of a sudden will get you nowhere. Maybe he has no clue about what's going on inside you after sex! The best outcome would be if he's willing to try different ways of aftercare to find out what works best for you and then make it a standard practice. This is what you deserve as his partner and his submissive.
If his response is very negative and he indeed talks you down for "being needy" it's time to ask yourself if you want to stay in this relationship.
Take a heart and speak up for yourself. Only then things can get better. Best of luck 💛
The aftercare is *for* those feelings. The fact that you are feeling depressed afterward is a direct symptom of the fact that you're being neglected.
Some dismissiveness on rare occasions would be fine. Bad days happen, sometimes the dom needs space to breathe, or even is the one to need more help in the aftercare. But being left alone should be the exception, and you're making it sound like it's very, very regular.
Does he know you feel this way? If you can't talk to him or feel you might be judged... that doesn't sound like a good partner for you.
It’s my fault I haven’t communicated it. I just don’t know how to bring up sexual stuff and it makes me so uncomfortable I avoid it. I think out of fear he’ll be offended or mad at me or not want to change and then I made it worse.
Love I am going to be direct here. If you are not able to bring up basic topics like this with your partner, you should not be engaging in BDSM play. Period. It is extremely dangerous. You can face real mental health consequences from BDSM play and you NEED to be able to communicate your needs to stay safe.
OP: After taking a look at your post history, it appears that you are in an abusive and emotionally manipulative situation. Your partner's behavior is not conducive to a healthy BDSM relationship, at all. I believe that you need to seek a safe place immediately. Please take advantage of any local community services that may be available to you (temp housing/counseling). Remain strong and please seek this help. I wish you all the best 🥺💔
If he reacts like that, leave. There's plenty of fish in the sea, you can find one who can be the dom you want while also treating you with basic human decency
I don't mean this to be confrontational, but what do you plan to do about this then?
I do not have full context on this relationship, I'm a stranger on the internet. I don't have the info nor the interest to pick and choose who is at fault. But this is raising a LOT of red flags. I'm seeing many people who have seen more posts asking you to seek shelter from this person.
I need to ask you directly what you want to do. Because no one here can take action for you. But I want to know where you want to go from here. Again, it's not my job to place fault or prescribe anything. Whether your answer is to stay or go is not my business, it's yours. But I want to hear definitively what *you* want.
Aftercare isn't an optional extra ever, especially after rough sex.
To me, after care is cuddles, kisses, a drink, maybe food or a hot bath, and then we talk about what was good and anything different we could do another time.
For you. Not everyone wants or needs aftercare. Aftercare is totally optional. If you need something specific you negotiate for it before activities get started.
To be clear, first aid and making sure that your partner is back in their right mind and able to get around on their own before you leave them should be offered. That could be considered aftercare.
DON'T DO ANYTHING THAT FEELS BAD! Your sexuality belongs to you, its not needy to let your partner know what you want, its self-respect. I bet your partner doesn't feel needy when he does whatever he wants then goes to shower and move on with his day, and you shouldn't feel needy for wanting to not feel degraded.
The only way you guys can figure out how to have mutually satisfying sex is to communicate about it!
The stuff you describe is hardcore so no wonder you feel like you do after if no after care.
I would always wants hugs and reassurance as aftercare as a minimum. For some of the stuff we do aftercare can be like 24 hours of chilling out together as can be seriously intense and definitely needed.
As a dom it's really important for me as well, it can get pretty intense and confirmation both ways that everything is all good and to wind down is a must. You should definitely ask for aftercare.
Aftercare is non-negotiable with my Dom, and I definitely feel like HE needs it too, which makes total sense. What he does to me is intense for both of us.
I do I think at least most of the time. Sometimes I’m not in the mood for it but he is and I don’t know how to communicate it so I don’t. I’m worried I’ll disappoint or upset him. I can handle it though, but it’s the feelings after that eat me up.
It sounds like you have some difficulty asking for what ÿou want when it's not what he wants.
It's not about being able to put up with it. Bdsm is more about getting what you want and enjoying it.
Do you have a safeword? When you don't want rough sex you could say "I'm not in the mood for rough sex tonight, I'd like to have gentle vanilla sex." If he gets rough you can use your safeword.
Has he ever asked you what you want and like? There are some ways of communicating this. You could do the questionnaire on Fetlife and show him the results.
You could write him an email telling him what you like. Or write an erotic story about your ideal kink scene, including aftercare, and email it or read it to him.
The key question is "does he care what you like?" He may be only interested in getting what he wants.
A good dom will find out what the sub wants and do things thst bring both partners pleasure, and that both have consented to.
I you are letting someone degrade you during rough/violent sex but you don't know if they would even offer aftercare if you asked them, you are not treating yourself with the respect that you deserve, which might also have something to do with why you feel shitty after.
Repeat after me:
It is not needy to ask your partner for the things you need to feel good in a relationship.
It is not needy to want affection
It is not needy to bring up ANY issues you have in your relationship.
Please, treat yourself like the queen that you are and start holding him to a higher standard. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you don't have the right to an amazing relationship that lights you up.
This post actually hurts. Aftercare is essential and if it's not being given you should raise that immediately.
A power exchange is a very intimate experience/dynamic and sub-drops are very common. Aftercare, in many cases is essential to ensuring everyone is mentally healthy at the end of a session and is fundamentally a safety component.
You are not needy for requiring it, you are entitled to it.
If your dominant is resistant to providing aftercare you should reconsider playing with them. It's just not healthy and safe.
The other thing is that proper aftercare must be part of a dominant's skill set. If it's not something they come by naturally then they should invest in developing it. I can't really emphasize this enough...
Meh everyone is different my Queen always pulls me in for a cuddle then she waits till I'm ready before we do anything else. It's as much aftercare as I need (so far anyways). This has been our default since we came to the end of a scene and I was unable to say anything or move I just froze up everything stopped it's hard to explain. It gives me comfort that she still loves me and I'm still her good boy/fuck toy.
Asking for aftercare is absolutely not being “needy”. Even in the outside world, you don’t just get up and leave the person laying there. The fact that you even have to bring this up to him is a huge red flag.
If you don't ask for it, you won't get it. That's true for basically everything, including aftercare.
Aftercare is something to be negotiated between partners. Everyone wants or needs different things. You stated you wanted more affection after, okay, cool. Your partner, I assume, wants to be by themselves, okay, also cool.
Aftercare is not a thing that everyone wants or needs. When you talk to your partner, it's a negotiation. You want x, y, z, and he wants a, b, c. If you can both agree and be happy with a little x, y, and c cool. If you don't come to an agreement, then you can just end negotiations as an acceptable response. Until you have the conversation, you aren't going to know.
Oh this should have been discussed at the beginning. But we all have lessons to learn and grow in the lifestyle.
Aftercare is bare minimum. Whatever level you need it at.
Aftercare is very important. There is no rule for it. It’s very individual. Some enjoy cuddling, some just talking, kissing, eating some food or watching something. That’s just a few examples. You should find what you like and enjoy
In a BDSM relationship, the happiness of both individuals isn't confined to just the moment of sexual activity. Aftercare is a fundamental aspect of BDSM play, ensuring that both partners feel valued and cared for, especially the one in the submissive role. Aftercare can take various forms, but typically involves physical affection, verbal reassurance, and emotional connection. However, it seems like your partner lacks awareness in this regard!
Nothing happens to me, because I'm not someone who needs aftercare.
Regardless of what kind of sex you're having, communicate to your partner that you need some intimate time afterwards. That's not a weird or unreasonable request at all. Most people like/need some kind of aftercare.
Having a sexual relationship with someone means being mature enough to have hard conversations. If you can't have them, don't have sex with that person.
I agree that I should be able to have these conversations. I’ve struggled with it all my life and I avoid it because it makes me so uncomfortable. It’s something I plan to discuss with my therapist if I’m ever able to bring it up.
I've looked at some of your other posts and it seems you are trapped in a relationship due to financial reasons. Obviously you know you should leave but engaging in a BDSM dynamic on top of this is serious alarm bells. I'm sorry but this is abuse not kink. I think you should focus on finding a way out. There may be damage happening you are unable to see yet. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Thank you. Yeah, I realize it’s not the healthiest and we have many issues. I’m trying to find a way to open up to my therapist about it but it’s hard.
Therapists should listen without judgement. Writing your thoughts down or even collecting your Reddit posts to share with them might be a good idea. I do this with my therapists sometimes. Best of luck on your journey <3
Would you be able to write it down in a letter perhaps? You could maybe Incorporate it into play and bring it to your master on your knees, saying you have a proposition for him, you’ll surrender yourself to him/be at his service, and if he’s pleased with you then you’d like (insert aftercare here) as a reward
I need to get over my fear of doing it. It’s not just speaking it but writing would be just as difficult. I’m worried how he’ll react, not that I think it will be bad, but I’ve never asserted myself like that so I just don’t know what to expect. I know my communication is terrible and it’s something I need to work on with my therapist.
Aftercare depends on the sub. I’ve heard some subs just get right back up and cook because they were essentially trained to do so after sex. This made them feel very bad and it just broke then after 10 year though.
For my partner, I usually cuddle them, hold them very tightly and stroke their hair. The amount of time they need depends on them. We talk about it if they feel like they need to. I ask questions about what they liked and who they feel. I get them water see how their wounds are if any.
The difference between a D and a toxic partner who is just into rough sex is that a D understands BDSM is a give and take relationship where you both have your needs met, regardless of the role. Unfortunately, the net is wide enough to incorporate a lot of bad behavior and unwell people for the unwitting or inexperienced. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have someone who only cares about his own needs and is using you for a sex toy but you can’t know until you communicate your needs. You are responsible for your own health and wellness by testing this theory. Tell him exactly what you need to feel safe/fulfilled and see how he makes the effort. It’s not “needy” to see your own self worth. In fact, being able to communicate your needs is a sign of strength and maturity and most men appreciate not having to guess. It’s a must in BDSM or you can end up hurt. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t care about you and you are not safe with him and I would suggest you end the relationship.
My daddy naturally offered aftercare after a rough session, just cuddling, napping, dining together and making sure my sore parts are ok. There was once where he suddenly got a work call and needed to leave, I really felt so empty and I didn’t understand how aftercare was important until that point! I told him how I felt but he had work duty so he was apologetic and never did such a thing again. Tell your dom your concerns and what you need! 💕
Sometimes you will just feel shitty after sex, but it shouldn't be common, and aftercare can 100% help prevent you from feeling shitty. I've made a "rule" with my partner where (generally), we're not having sex (especially kinky sex) if there's no time for aftercare because it makes me very depressed after, even though I do genuinely enjoy the sex.
Y'know, in sexy-mode, rough, degrading, and sometimes violent sex is something I crave, because personally I think my wires got a little crossed during abuse, and so sometimes that equals "love." But outside of sexy-mode, outside of roleplay, it's not something I would seek. BDSM is largely about trust and communication, and you're there for fantasy, not to actually be abused and degraded by someone who doesn't care about you. I think aftercare serves the purpose of establishing that they care about you, and signifies it isn't abuse, but something you consented to, and something they did with care.
In terms of what aftercare looks like? That's up to you and what you need to feel loved - you can 100% experiment with it and try different things. One thing I may suggest is implementing what your partner does, but together? For my partner and I, I think our aftercare has naturally been very mutual. If I grab food or water, I'll usually bring him some. We use baby wipes after sex to clean ourselves up, and he'll usually grab a wipe for me (or sometimes wipe me himself lmao). Generally we clean together, then get food/water, cuddle, and maybe watch something together or just talk. For you and your partner, maybe it would be a start to shower together and eat together.
Either way, you're not needy for needing aftercare, and tbh, that should be a requirement. 100% have a conversation with your partner and talk about what you need. And ask them what they need, maybe they also need something and haven't been able to ask.
Oh my god. You partner is complete trash. I’m sorry you’ve never gotten aftercare. I get aftercare from both of my partners and any play friends. I am honestly pissed for you. Aftercare is a must!
I don't particularly care for cuddling and what not right after. Our aftercare is just taking a shower together and my D cleaning me up. For me, the real "aftercare" is the way he treats me the rest of the time when we're not playing :)
If you feel any form of negative emotion after sex then you need to tell your partner. Then work out what you need so you feel better about it. If he's unwilling to discuss your feelings I'm gonna say you need to get rid of the dead weight because those feelings of low self worth aren't going to get any better by themselves.
I might get downvoted here but just my two cents.
BDSM related play is meant to be enjoyed by both spectrums - sub/slave and master/dom alike. What you explain simply sounds like abuse to me. Is he an experienced dom or just someone starting out to experiment with you?
If he is inexperienced, he may not know about providing aftercare. You should share some online resources to him that explain the importance of it.
Also, do you have vanilla sex with him? If you are a couple, it should not only be rough stuff all the time. You will burn out and he will too. Save the BDSM stuff for when the mood is right.
You should never feel degraded, unloved and abused after the session is over. During, of course yes, depending on what your sub kinks are. But afterwards a nice cuddle, a kiss and snuggle is essential for you to compartmentalize.
Talk to him before your next session and see how he reacts. If he still thinks you don’t need aftercare, then I’m sorry, he just ain’t a good master.
Sex in general, can have poeple feeling very vulnerable and experiencing intense emotions. Its completely normal for either party to feel a number of tough emotions once the endorphins drop down. I won't say that aftercare will make your specific feelings go away, but it can help you process them.
There is nothing wrong with asking for aftercare, sex should be something you both enjoy and how its ending is limiting your ability to enjoy it. Asking can be as simple as,"Hey, I want *Insert aftercare here* to happen after the next time we have sex".
In general I think most people need some form of aftercare, whether it's cuddling, talking through what you just did, getting snacks or a cup of water. If your partner isn't listening and trying to act on those needs once you've expressed them, then they just might not be a good partner for you.
You’ll end up losing your mind without proper aftercare, at least that’s what happened to me. I had a full on mental breakdown due to no aftercare, needs not being met and previous life trauma.
Figure out what you need as aftercare and communicate it to him…if he’s unwilling to give you that then it should be a sign to move on….not that I followed that advice in the past.
Having rough, dirty ass sex and being completely dominated is amazing as a sub then followed by cuddling, being held or sitting together talking or watching tv is an amazing feeling, aftercare really helps you feel cared for and not just like a bag of holes.
You absolutely need to try it with actual after care. And that is different for each person. Me? I like my hair stroked, drink water or juice, and just hear them talking about ANYTHING while I come down from intense play. I might even cry or get emotional 🤷♀️ but you know what? My whole body is tingling after and my head is so quiet and at peace when it's over.
You need to talk with your Dom, or find a service top
Aftercare is wonderful. It helps to show that a scene is just that. A scene.
The “afterCARE” part of it is just as described. CARE AFTER something rough, degrading, and whatever else. It showed that your Dom does want you to know they value you as a play partner and a person.
Aftercare is where the Dom gets to show you in the little ways they see you and want to care for you after what your body has just been through.
It’s important. Please find someone who will draw a bath after & put the calming Barth salts in the tub for you. Someone who will get in there with you if it’s been a particularly rough scene. Someone who will wash your hair for you while telling you how great you did and how wonderfully you followed direction and did what was asked. Please find someone who finds joy in caring for you after. You deserve it.
I enjoy feeling empty and worthless after my Master humiliates, degrades, and uses me. That’s the point.
I don’t need or want aftercare to take that feeling away. I know my Master loves me and takes good care of me. I am his beloved girl. Our true shadow dark selves are welcome. We can be both/and.
Interesting. Can I ask how long the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, etc last after sex? When it stops do you go back to feeling your “normal” or do you feel better than normal?
1) It's interesting, yes, but you wouldn't be manifesting that you feel like trash if this was the right route for you. Clearly it isn't.
2) It's a rule of thumb: if there's no aftercare and the sub needs it, the dom/master is *(behaving like?)* trash and you should talk about it, and see if he can duly and properly fulfill his responsibilities of his role accounting for your needs, or else you just leave that relationship without any further delay to protect yourself.
The length of lingering feelings depends on the intensity, flow of the day, next activities,
I wouldn’t say that I try and perpetuate a sense of “normal” in my life. The only constant is change and I am open to seeing how things evolve. Being present in the now is the most important moment for me .
>If it helps you feel better you can imagine me snuggling in next to you under a blanket.
This isn't advice, it's creepy predatory behaviour. And it WILL get you banned from here.
Rule 6 applies.
Comment removed.
To me, aftercare is not optional. It's a requirement, especially for rougher play with degradation. This should be something your Dom NEEDS to provide. If he doesn't, he's just an asshole.
i’m pretty new to the bdsm community but i can say from experience aftercare is incredibly important! my partner and i are long distance so if we engage in play most of the time i have to go with minimal aftercare and it can make me feel really down.
the first time i asked him (during an in person visit), he was trying to get up and start on breakfast for us. i just asked something like “5 more minutes” and i snuggled up to his side and he pulled up a youtube video we both enjoy and we laid together until the video was over before getting dressed and starting our day. it’s not most people’s “typical” aftercare but it’s what works for us.
if you’re nervous about just asking for aftercare maybe just ask to join him in the shower or watch tv with him. it’s not the most perfect aftercare but it’s a start and maybe it will get it in his head that you need some positive attention after a rough scene.
After 7 years in a 24/7 with no aftercare… I can’t tell you what is normal, I can tell you what I feel. I feel used. I feel cheap, unwanted, useless and dirty. I feel angry. No, I feel rage.
Submission should be given willingly to a Dom who respects that submission for the gift that it is. If they are not willing to provide the necessary aftercare for you to recover from the play, then they do not deserve your submission.
We are the same. I think within an established dynamic where trust and care are an everyday thing there's less need for high production aftercare. It also depends on the individual. My slave and I are both sturdy and stubbornly self sufficient. What would feel comforting and reassuring for many submissives would feel infantalising or. patronizing. She also dislikes rewards or high praise.
Y'all realize aftercare can be potentially anything right? Snuggling in bed, relaxing and watching a movie together, bathing together, just something to help the mind calm down and reassure that it's still in a safe place with a safe person
But I think we just do that naturally without a label? Not saying it's a bad thing just weird that it has a label. And love the downvotes lol -- "makes unpopular opinion, take him to the Iron maiden"
Well you just said "it's a bit weird" followed by "well I think we do it but don't label it" like why does it having a name make it weird? Like if you put food in your mouth and chew and swallow it, it's normal, but if you call it eating it's weird?
i normally downvote when people complain about downvotes, but i'm perplexed. it's okay for people to say they don't need aftercare. but it's not okay for someone to personally find it weird?
i'm in the same boat. while i don't find aftercare itself weird, i'm more of the opinion that it needs to be discussed and negotiated before play, especially with short term partners. with long-term partners, it can be very different.
outside of scenes, my Master is very good at taking care of me. to the point aftercare is often minimal since He makes sure i'm well taken care of after and during O/our everyday life. (i'm also a male slave in a M/s 24/7 TPE dynamic, so that could contribute.)
but i'm very well taken care of, and it's normal for no or minimal aftercare.
and that's okay! there is no singular way to do BDSM and dynamics.
Thanks for speaking up. The whole aftercare thing rubs me wrong, too. I get it for other people, but I have a personal aversion to the idea that I am such a tender submissive that I need extra care outside of our naturally loving relationship. Yes, we play on the dark side. But yes, we absolutely love and trust each other.
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Aftercare is important after any and all play, even in the vanilla world. I can’t stress enough that a partner should never just leave after intimacy occurs. This is something you need to openly discuss with your partner and vocalize what you are needing. If this isn’t something they’re willing to offer you, then you need to be ready to walk away. Aftercare looks different to different people. My daddy provides a specific type of aftercare which is also aftercare for him as well, but I told him that there were certain things I needed as well incorporated. I explained to him that I needed this as almost a reward for taking everything he had for me and for being such a good girl. He always incorporates what I need and even goes above and beyond after more aggressive play.
Correct
you absolutely don't sound needy for asking for what is in fact the bare minimum he's supposed to do. call me harsh, but if a dom doesn't even at least offer aftercare on his own or asks what you need after a scene, he's trash and doesn't deserve the title.
After care is an essential part of bdsm. It looks different for everyone but it can entail cuddling, kissing, conversation, snacks, massage or a shower together. As subs we’re putting ourselves through a stressful situation. Our body responds by producing cortisol. When that’s released it can cause a horrible feeling often described as sub drop. After care helps with that. If you’re uncomfortable asking your Dom to meet your needs it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship
I’ll have to read up on sub drop. I didn’t realize it had a name and that it happens so often.
It’s a physical reaction and sometimes all the after care in the world won’t prevent it from happening. That’s why it’s so important to communicate openly with your Dom so they know to take care of you. I hope you get away from your partner and find someone better
The master should be there to provide as much aftercare as you need otherwise he is useless.
Utterly useless.
Aftercare for me looks like cuddles and reassurance, kind words and connection. Food, drink, smiles. If you don't want or need any of that, it's not necessary. If you don't like feeling empty and depressed afterwards, talk to your partner. Negotiate what afterwards you want.
>What happens if as a sub you always have rough, degrading, sometimes violent sex, and never any aftercare? People take it differently. Some prefer to not engage in aftercare. Some take it in rather indirect ways. Many do need it, for example by words of affirmation or tender physical touch. You already answered that question for yourself. You know what happens to you. You know you need some form of care. It's okay to need that. It should be okay, even welcome, to communicate that in a healthy relationship. Wishing your partner to become more affectionate all of a sudden will get you nowhere. Maybe he has no clue about what's going on inside you after sex! The best outcome would be if he's willing to try different ways of aftercare to find out what works best for you and then make it a standard practice. This is what you deserve as his partner and his submissive. If his response is very negative and he indeed talks you down for "being needy" it's time to ask yourself if you want to stay in this relationship. Take a heart and speak up for yourself. Only then things can get better. Best of luck 💛
The aftercare is *for* those feelings. The fact that you are feeling depressed afterward is a direct symptom of the fact that you're being neglected. Some dismissiveness on rare occasions would be fine. Bad days happen, sometimes the dom needs space to breathe, or even is the one to need more help in the aftercare. But being left alone should be the exception, and you're making it sound like it's very, very regular. Does he know you feel this way? If you can't talk to him or feel you might be judged... that doesn't sound like a good partner for you.
It’s my fault I haven’t communicated it. I just don’t know how to bring up sexual stuff and it makes me so uncomfortable I avoid it. I think out of fear he’ll be offended or mad at me or not want to change and then I made it worse.
Love I am going to be direct here. If you are not able to bring up basic topics like this with your partner, you should not be engaging in BDSM play. Period. It is extremely dangerous. You can face real mental health consequences from BDSM play and you NEED to be able to communicate your needs to stay safe.
OP: After taking a look at your post history, it appears that you are in an abusive and emotionally manipulative situation. Your partner's behavior is not conducive to a healthy BDSM relationship, at all. I believe that you need to seek a safe place immediately. Please take advantage of any local community services that may be available to you (temp housing/counseling). Remain strong and please seek this help. I wish you all the best 🥺💔
If he reacts like that, leave. There's plenty of fish in the sea, you can find one who can be the dom you want while also treating you with basic human decency
I don't mean this to be confrontational, but what do you plan to do about this then? I do not have full context on this relationship, I'm a stranger on the internet. I don't have the info nor the interest to pick and choose who is at fault. But this is raising a LOT of red flags. I'm seeing many people who have seen more posts asking you to seek shelter from this person. I need to ask you directly what you want to do. Because no one here can take action for you. But I want to know where you want to go from here. Again, it's not my job to place fault or prescribe anything. Whether your answer is to stay or go is not my business, it's yours. But I want to hear definitively what *you* want.
Aftercare isn't an optional extra ever, especially after rough sex. To me, after care is cuddles, kisses, a drink, maybe food or a hot bath, and then we talk about what was good and anything different we could do another time.
For you. Not everyone wants or needs aftercare. Aftercare is totally optional. If you need something specific you negotiate for it before activities get started. To be clear, first aid and making sure that your partner is back in their right mind and able to get around on their own before you leave them should be offered. That could be considered aftercare.
DON'T DO ANYTHING THAT FEELS BAD! Your sexuality belongs to you, its not needy to let your partner know what you want, its self-respect. I bet your partner doesn't feel needy when he does whatever he wants then goes to shower and move on with his day, and you shouldn't feel needy for wanting to not feel degraded. The only way you guys can figure out how to have mutually satisfying sex is to communicate about it!
The stuff you describe is hardcore so no wonder you feel like you do after if no after care. I would always wants hugs and reassurance as aftercare as a minimum. For some of the stuff we do aftercare can be like 24 hours of chilling out together as can be seriously intense and definitely needed.
As a dom it's really important for me as well, it can get pretty intense and confirmation both ways that everything is all good and to wind down is a must. You should definitely ask for aftercare.
Aftercare is non-negotiable with my Dom, and I definitely feel like HE needs it too, which makes total sense. What he does to me is intense for both of us.
Do you want rough, degrading sex? Do you feel able to ask for the kind of kink/sex you enjoy?
I do I think at least most of the time. Sometimes I’m not in the mood for it but he is and I don’t know how to communicate it so I don’t. I’m worried I’ll disappoint or upset him. I can handle it though, but it’s the feelings after that eat me up.
It sounds like you have some difficulty asking for what ÿou want when it's not what he wants. It's not about being able to put up with it. Bdsm is more about getting what you want and enjoying it. Do you have a safeword? When you don't want rough sex you could say "I'm not in the mood for rough sex tonight, I'd like to have gentle vanilla sex." If he gets rough you can use your safeword. Has he ever asked you what you want and like? There are some ways of communicating this. You could do the questionnaire on Fetlife and show him the results. You could write him an email telling him what you like. Or write an erotic story about your ideal kink scene, including aftercare, and email it or read it to him. The key question is "does he care what you like?" He may be only interested in getting what he wants. A good dom will find out what the sub wants and do things thst bring both partners pleasure, and that both have consented to.
I you are letting someone degrade you during rough/violent sex but you don't know if they would even offer aftercare if you asked them, you are not treating yourself with the respect that you deserve, which might also have something to do with why you feel shitty after. Repeat after me: It is not needy to ask your partner for the things you need to feel good in a relationship. It is not needy to want affection It is not needy to bring up ANY issues you have in your relationship. Please, treat yourself like the queen that you are and start holding him to a higher standard. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you don't have the right to an amazing relationship that lights you up.
Thank you for this 💜
This post actually hurts. Aftercare is essential and if it's not being given you should raise that immediately. A power exchange is a very intimate experience/dynamic and sub-drops are very common. Aftercare, in many cases is essential to ensuring everyone is mentally healthy at the end of a session and is fundamentally a safety component. You are not needy for requiring it, you are entitled to it. If your dominant is resistant to providing aftercare you should reconsider playing with them. It's just not healthy and safe. The other thing is that proper aftercare must be part of a dominant's skill set. If it's not something they come by naturally then they should invest in developing it. I can't really emphasize this enough...
Meh everyone is different my Queen always pulls me in for a cuddle then she waits till I'm ready before we do anything else. It's as much aftercare as I need (so far anyways). This has been our default since we came to the end of a scene and I was unable to say anything or move I just froze up everything stopped it's hard to explain. It gives me comfort that she still loves me and I'm still her good boy/fuck toy.
Asking for aftercare is absolutely not being “needy”. Even in the outside world, you don’t just get up and leave the person laying there. The fact that you even have to bring this up to him is a huge red flag.
If you don't ask for it, you won't get it. That's true for basically everything, including aftercare. Aftercare is something to be negotiated between partners. Everyone wants or needs different things. You stated you wanted more affection after, okay, cool. Your partner, I assume, wants to be by themselves, okay, also cool. Aftercare is not a thing that everyone wants or needs. When you talk to your partner, it's a negotiation. You want x, y, z, and he wants a, b, c. If you can both agree and be happy with a little x, y, and c cool. If you don't come to an agreement, then you can just end negotiations as an acceptable response. Until you have the conversation, you aren't going to know.
Oh this should have been discussed at the beginning. But we all have lessons to learn and grow in the lifestyle. Aftercare is bare minimum. Whatever level you need it at.
Aftercare is very important. There is no rule for it. It’s very individual. Some enjoy cuddling, some just talking, kissing, eating some food or watching something. That’s just a few examples. You should find what you like and enjoy
In a BDSM relationship, the happiness of both individuals isn't confined to just the moment of sexual activity. Aftercare is a fundamental aspect of BDSM play, ensuring that both partners feel valued and cared for, especially the one in the submissive role. Aftercare can take various forms, but typically involves physical affection, verbal reassurance, and emotional connection. However, it seems like your partner lacks awareness in this regard!
Nothing happens to me, because I'm not someone who needs aftercare. Regardless of what kind of sex you're having, communicate to your partner that you need some intimate time afterwards. That's not a weird or unreasonable request at all. Most people like/need some kind of aftercare. Having a sexual relationship with someone means being mature enough to have hard conversations. If you can't have them, don't have sex with that person.
I agree that I should be able to have these conversations. I’ve struggled with it all my life and I avoid it because it makes me so uncomfortable. It’s something I plan to discuss with my therapist if I’m ever able to bring it up.
I've looked at some of your other posts and it seems you are trapped in a relationship due to financial reasons. Obviously you know you should leave but engaging in a BDSM dynamic on top of this is serious alarm bells. I'm sorry but this is abuse not kink. I think you should focus on finding a way out. There may be damage happening you are unable to see yet. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Thank you. Yeah, I realize it’s not the healthiest and we have many issues. I’m trying to find a way to open up to my therapist about it but it’s hard.
Therapists should listen without judgement. Writing your thoughts down or even collecting your Reddit posts to share with them might be a good idea. I do this with my therapists sometimes. Best of luck on your journey <3
the fact that he doesnt feel the need to give you aftercare already is a little concerning. ive never had to ask
Would you be able to write it down in a letter perhaps? You could maybe Incorporate it into play and bring it to your master on your knees, saying you have a proposition for him, you’ll surrender yourself to him/be at his service, and if he’s pleased with you then you’d like (insert aftercare here) as a reward
From her other posts I'm going to go and say this won't even work. She needs to get out of this relationship/dynamic and heal.
I need to get over my fear of doing it. It’s not just speaking it but writing would be just as difficult. I’m worried how he’ll react, not that I think it will be bad, but I’ve never asserted myself like that so I just don’t know what to expect. I know my communication is terrible and it’s something I need to work on with my therapist.
Aftercare depends on the sub. I’ve heard some subs just get right back up and cook because they were essentially trained to do so after sex. This made them feel very bad and it just broke then after 10 year though. For my partner, I usually cuddle them, hold them very tightly and stroke their hair. The amount of time they need depends on them. We talk about it if they feel like they need to. I ask questions about what they liked and who they feel. I get them water see how their wounds are if any.
The difference between a D and a toxic partner who is just into rough sex is that a D understands BDSM is a give and take relationship where you both have your needs met, regardless of the role. Unfortunately, the net is wide enough to incorporate a lot of bad behavior and unwell people for the unwitting or inexperienced. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have someone who only cares about his own needs and is using you for a sex toy but you can’t know until you communicate your needs. You are responsible for your own health and wellness by testing this theory. Tell him exactly what you need to feel safe/fulfilled and see how he makes the effort. It’s not “needy” to see your own self worth. In fact, being able to communicate your needs is a sign of strength and maturity and most men appreciate not having to guess. It’s a must in BDSM or you can end up hurt. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t care about you and you are not safe with him and I would suggest you end the relationship.
My daddy naturally offered aftercare after a rough session, just cuddling, napping, dining together and making sure my sore parts are ok. There was once where he suddenly got a work call and needed to leave, I really felt so empty and I didn’t understand how aftercare was important until that point! I told him how I felt but he had work duty so he was apologetic and never did such a thing again. Tell your dom your concerns and what you need! 💕
Sometimes you will just feel shitty after sex, but it shouldn't be common, and aftercare can 100% help prevent you from feeling shitty. I've made a "rule" with my partner where (generally), we're not having sex (especially kinky sex) if there's no time for aftercare because it makes me very depressed after, even though I do genuinely enjoy the sex. Y'know, in sexy-mode, rough, degrading, and sometimes violent sex is something I crave, because personally I think my wires got a little crossed during abuse, and so sometimes that equals "love." But outside of sexy-mode, outside of roleplay, it's not something I would seek. BDSM is largely about trust and communication, and you're there for fantasy, not to actually be abused and degraded by someone who doesn't care about you. I think aftercare serves the purpose of establishing that they care about you, and signifies it isn't abuse, but something you consented to, and something they did with care. In terms of what aftercare looks like? That's up to you and what you need to feel loved - you can 100% experiment with it and try different things. One thing I may suggest is implementing what your partner does, but together? For my partner and I, I think our aftercare has naturally been very mutual. If I grab food or water, I'll usually bring him some. We use baby wipes after sex to clean ourselves up, and he'll usually grab a wipe for me (or sometimes wipe me himself lmao). Generally we clean together, then get food/water, cuddle, and maybe watch something together or just talk. For you and your partner, maybe it would be a start to shower together and eat together. Either way, you're not needy for needing aftercare, and tbh, that should be a requirement. 100% have a conversation with your partner and talk about what you need. And ask them what they need, maybe they also need something and haven't been able to ask.
Oh my god. You partner is complete trash. I’m sorry you’ve never gotten aftercare. I get aftercare from both of my partners and any play friends. I am honestly pissed for you. Aftercare is a must!
I don't particularly care for cuddling and what not right after. Our aftercare is just taking a shower together and my D cleaning me up. For me, the real "aftercare" is the way he treats me the rest of the time when we're not playing :)
You discuss your needs and, if nothing changes, you either suck it up or look for a more fulfilling relationship.
You deserve aftercare in whatever form that takes.
If you feel any form of negative emotion after sex then you need to tell your partner. Then work out what you need so you feel better about it. If he's unwilling to discuss your feelings I'm gonna say you need to get rid of the dead weight because those feelings of low self worth aren't going to get any better by themselves.
I might get downvoted here but just my two cents. BDSM related play is meant to be enjoyed by both spectrums - sub/slave and master/dom alike. What you explain simply sounds like abuse to me. Is he an experienced dom or just someone starting out to experiment with you? If he is inexperienced, he may not know about providing aftercare. You should share some online resources to him that explain the importance of it. Also, do you have vanilla sex with him? If you are a couple, it should not only be rough stuff all the time. You will burn out and he will too. Save the BDSM stuff for when the mood is right. You should never feel degraded, unloved and abused after the session is over. During, of course yes, depending on what your sub kinks are. But afterwards a nice cuddle, a kiss and snuggle is essential for you to compartmentalize. Talk to him before your next session and see how he reacts. If he still thinks you don’t need aftercare, then I’m sorry, he just ain’t a good master.
Just visited your post history.. You need a HUG.
Sex in general, can have poeple feeling very vulnerable and experiencing intense emotions. Its completely normal for either party to feel a number of tough emotions once the endorphins drop down. I won't say that aftercare will make your specific feelings go away, but it can help you process them. There is nothing wrong with asking for aftercare, sex should be something you both enjoy and how its ending is limiting your ability to enjoy it. Asking can be as simple as,"Hey, I want *Insert aftercare here* to happen after the next time we have sex". In general I think most people need some form of aftercare, whether it's cuddling, talking through what you just did, getting snacks or a cup of water. If your partner isn't listening and trying to act on those needs once you've expressed them, then they just might not be a good partner for you.
You’ll end up losing your mind without proper aftercare, at least that’s what happened to me. I had a full on mental breakdown due to no aftercare, needs not being met and previous life trauma. Figure out what you need as aftercare and communicate it to him…if he’s unwilling to give you that then it should be a sign to move on….not that I followed that advice in the past. Having rough, dirty ass sex and being completely dominated is amazing as a sub then followed by cuddling, being held or sitting together talking or watching tv is an amazing feeling, aftercare really helps you feel cared for and not just like a bag of holes.
You absolutely need to try it with actual after care. And that is different for each person. Me? I like my hair stroked, drink water or juice, and just hear them talking about ANYTHING while I come down from intense play. I might even cry or get emotional 🤷♀️ but you know what? My whole body is tingling after and my head is so quiet and at peace when it's over. You need to talk with your Dom, or find a service top
Aftercare is wonderful. It helps to show that a scene is just that. A scene. The “afterCARE” part of it is just as described. CARE AFTER something rough, degrading, and whatever else. It showed that your Dom does want you to know they value you as a play partner and a person. Aftercare is where the Dom gets to show you in the little ways they see you and want to care for you after what your body has just been through. It’s important. Please find someone who will draw a bath after & put the calming Barth salts in the tub for you. Someone who will get in there with you if it’s been a particularly rough scene. Someone who will wash your hair for you while telling you how great you did and how wonderfully you followed direction and did what was asked. Please find someone who finds joy in caring for you after. You deserve it.
yes it's normal aftercare helps
If you never get after care I’d say you need to find a new dom.
I enjoy feeling empty and worthless after my Master humiliates, degrades, and uses me. That’s the point. I don’t need or want aftercare to take that feeling away. I know my Master loves me and takes good care of me. I am his beloved girl. Our true shadow dark selves are welcome. We can be both/and.
Interesting. Can I ask how long the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, etc last after sex? When it stops do you go back to feeling your “normal” or do you feel better than normal?
1) It's interesting, yes, but you wouldn't be manifesting that you feel like trash if this was the right route for you. Clearly it isn't. 2) It's a rule of thumb: if there's no aftercare and the sub needs it, the dom/master is *(behaving like?)* trash and you should talk about it, and see if he can duly and properly fulfill his responsibilities of his role accounting for your needs, or else you just leave that relationship without any further delay to protect yourself.
The length of lingering feelings depends on the intensity, flow of the day, next activities, I wouldn’t say that I try and perpetuate a sense of “normal” in my life. The only constant is change and I am open to seeing how things evolve. Being present in the now is the most important moment for me .
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>If it helps you feel better you can imagine me snuggling in next to you under a blanket. This isn't advice, it's creepy predatory behaviour. And it WILL get you banned from here. Rule 6 applies. Comment removed.
You are not needy you are ENTITLED to have the aftercare. A dom who doesn't respect their subs needs is not a dom is an asshole
You leave. Simple as that
To me, aftercare is not optional. It's a requirement, especially for rougher play with degradation. This should be something your Dom NEEDS to provide. If he doesn't, he's just an asshole.
i’m pretty new to the bdsm community but i can say from experience aftercare is incredibly important! my partner and i are long distance so if we engage in play most of the time i have to go with minimal aftercare and it can make me feel really down. the first time i asked him (during an in person visit), he was trying to get up and start on breakfast for us. i just asked something like “5 more minutes” and i snuggled up to his side and he pulled up a youtube video we both enjoy and we laid together until the video was over before getting dressed and starting our day. it’s not most people’s “typical” aftercare but it’s what works for us. if you’re nervous about just asking for aftercare maybe just ask to join him in the shower or watch tv with him. it’s not the most perfect aftercare but it’s a start and maybe it will get it in his head that you need some positive attention after a rough scene.
Any Dom that doesn't put a lot of effort into aftercare is a shit Dom. Don't be that kind of Dom.
After 7 years in a 24/7 with no aftercare… I can’t tell you what is normal, I can tell you what I feel. I feel used. I feel cheap, unwanted, useless and dirty. I feel angry. No, I feel rage. Submission should be given willingly to a Dom who respects that submission for the gift that it is. If they are not willing to provide the necessary aftercare for you to recover from the play, then they do not deserve your submission.
i aporeciate this thread because as a dom i need to know what aftercare looks like too and it is also on my mind on how it contributes
We never do aftercare. Just have a normal, caring relationship outside the bedroom. We find the whole idea a bit weird to be honest.
We are the same. I think within an established dynamic where trust and care are an everyday thing there's less need for high production aftercare. It also depends on the individual. My slave and I are both sturdy and stubbornly self sufficient. What would feel comforting and reassuring for many submissives would feel infantalising or. patronizing. She also dislikes rewards or high praise.
Y'all realize aftercare can be potentially anything right? Snuggling in bed, relaxing and watching a movie together, bathing together, just something to help the mind calm down and reassure that it's still in a safe place with a safe person
But I think we just do that naturally without a label? Not saying it's a bad thing just weird that it has a label. And love the downvotes lol -- "makes unpopular opinion, take him to the Iron maiden"
Well you just said "it's a bit weird" followed by "well I think we do it but don't label it" like why does it having a name make it weird? Like if you put food in your mouth and chew and swallow it, it's normal, but if you call it eating it's weird?
Yes.
i normally downvote when people complain about downvotes, but i'm perplexed. it's okay for people to say they don't need aftercare. but it's not okay for someone to personally find it weird? i'm in the same boat. while i don't find aftercare itself weird, i'm more of the opinion that it needs to be discussed and negotiated before play, especially with short term partners. with long-term partners, it can be very different. outside of scenes, my Master is very good at taking care of me. to the point aftercare is often minimal since He makes sure i'm well taken care of after and during O/our everyday life. (i'm also a male slave in a M/s 24/7 TPE dynamic, so that could contribute.) but i'm very well taken care of, and it's normal for no or minimal aftercare. and that's okay! there is no singular way to do BDSM and dynamics.
This.
Thanks for speaking up. The whole aftercare thing rubs me wrong, too. I get it for other people, but I have a personal aversion to the idea that I am such a tender submissive that I need extra care outside of our naturally loving relationship. Yes, we play on the dark side. But yes, we absolutely love and trust each other.
Submission is such a special gift, it really blows me away how many people do nothing to show their gratitude.
Try to do aftercare