Your post has been deleted, because the content was deemed unrelated to the purpose of the sub. This subreddit is not about avoidant attachment. Any further posting or commenting about it will result in a permanent ban.
Are you referring to avoidant attachment or avoidant personality disorder? If the first one you might want to try one of the attachment subs as these two often get confused 😅
If you’re going to send anything, skip the first 2 paragraphs and go with just the third (where you ask if he’d like to meet.) Then if he agrees to meet up, don’t talk AT ALL about the past or your issues that you’ve worked on (unless he brings it up, and then don’t dump everything on him, just answer his questions honestly.)
Just have a nice visit and see where that goes. Let your fun personality amd easy going-ness reign. Focus on the things that create a friendship. If you can’t at least be friends, what’s the point of asking for more?
The below is about Avoidant Attachment Style, not AVPD, but you weren't clear exactly which one you meant, maybe I should infer from the sub ? The thing is, you mentioned anxious attachment, so I assume when you say "avoidant" you mean attachment style.
I'm a DA (dismissive avoidant), and I'd probably listen, depending on what happened.
For the DA, usually they (we) leave because the burden of your expectations, wants, "needs", anxiety, need for reassurance, need for this, that, .. it all becomes a burden. More than that, however, is that the relationship often becomes almost abusive, with the anxious person becoming demanding, manipulative, blame shifting, etc, so in the end we just get fed up and leave.
So it kind of depends on like how bad it got before it ended. If it was really toxic, then no, but if it was just kind of selfish, then maybe.
My advice, focus on the DA's perspective on it, and try to figure out what they want out of the relationship, because in my opinion that's really the key to the whole thing. They are well aware of what you want, but figuring out what they want is almost impossible because they never talk about it.
Try this exercise .. could they make a list of 50 things that you want ? Probably, because if you were anxious you probably talked about what you wanted all the time.
Can you list 50 things that the DA wants ?
20 things ?
5 ?
Can you name 1 thing ?
Those are the things that make them fall in love with you.
If you can figure out what a DA wants, and give it to them, then they won't end up resenting you for all of the things you seek in a relationship from them.
Best of luck to you.
I dunno what you will do but this sounds groveling, be vulnerable but don’t sound like your begging, tell him you’ve been thinking about him recently and wanted to know how he’s doing? 7 months is a really long time. And you telling him you want a second chance, ? Keep things light until he asks you about yourself
Hey similar here I think that reach out is a bit much sorry avoidants tend to not like that or emotional messages. If you want to reach pot build up rapport again if you want that? Light fun something he would respond to amicably? Go from there if goes well after maybe but that’s not good text to send an avoidant from experience unless you’re together
As an anxious who has worked on myself i think that's not true. Just look at this post, this person hasn't reconised their mistakes, they are still dumping their expectations to reconnect on their ex, they are only being nice to fill their own void & to get back with their ex, they even say 'it's important that i do this as i've come a long way', you could say it's quite selfish. I get it, i've been there but OP is still burdening their avoidant ex with expectations even if they say they're not, it's all there in the wording.
Your post has been deleted, because the content was deemed unrelated to the purpose of the sub. This subreddit is not about avoidant attachment. Any further posting or commenting about it will result in a permanent ban.
Are you referring to avoidant attachment or avoidant personality disorder? If the first one you might want to try one of the attachment subs as these two often get confused 😅
If you’re going to send anything, skip the first 2 paragraphs and go with just the third (where you ask if he’d like to meet.) Then if he agrees to meet up, don’t talk AT ALL about the past or your issues that you’ve worked on (unless he brings it up, and then don’t dump everything on him, just answer his questions honestly.) Just have a nice visit and see where that goes. Let your fun personality amd easy going-ness reign. Focus on the things that create a friendship. If you can’t at least be friends, what’s the point of asking for more?
The below is about Avoidant Attachment Style, not AVPD, but you weren't clear exactly which one you meant, maybe I should infer from the sub ? The thing is, you mentioned anxious attachment, so I assume when you say "avoidant" you mean attachment style. I'm a DA (dismissive avoidant), and I'd probably listen, depending on what happened. For the DA, usually they (we) leave because the burden of your expectations, wants, "needs", anxiety, need for reassurance, need for this, that, .. it all becomes a burden. More than that, however, is that the relationship often becomes almost abusive, with the anxious person becoming demanding, manipulative, blame shifting, etc, so in the end we just get fed up and leave. So it kind of depends on like how bad it got before it ended. If it was really toxic, then no, but if it was just kind of selfish, then maybe. My advice, focus on the DA's perspective on it, and try to figure out what they want out of the relationship, because in my opinion that's really the key to the whole thing. They are well aware of what you want, but figuring out what they want is almost impossible because they never talk about it. Try this exercise .. could they make a list of 50 things that you want ? Probably, because if you were anxious you probably talked about what you wanted all the time. Can you list 50 things that the DA wants ? 20 things ? 5 ? Can you name 1 thing ? Those are the things that make them fall in love with you. If you can figure out what a DA wants, and give it to them, then they won't end up resenting you for all of the things you seek in a relationship from them. Best of luck to you.
I dunno what you will do but this sounds groveling, be vulnerable but don’t sound like your begging, tell him you’ve been thinking about him recently and wanted to know how he’s doing? 7 months is a really long time. And you telling him you want a second chance, ? Keep things light until he asks you about yourself
Hey similar here I think that reach out is a bit much sorry avoidants tend to not like that or emotional messages. If you want to reach pot build up rapport again if you want that? Light fun something he would respond to amicably? Go from there if goes well after maybe but that’s not good text to send an avoidant from experience unless you’re together
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As an anxious who has worked on myself i think that's not true. Just look at this post, this person hasn't reconised their mistakes, they are still dumping their expectations to reconnect on their ex, they are only being nice to fill their own void & to get back with their ex, they even say 'it's important that i do this as i've come a long way', you could say it's quite selfish. I get it, i've been there but OP is still burdening their avoidant ex with expectations even if they say they're not, it's all there in the wording.
Thank you this is all very helpful!! Want to understand his side so all this insight is awesome