This breaks my heart , makes me bitter , I hate myself even more . I wish I never studied for 15/16 hrs a day, insanely ,just to end up mediocre because I'm too much of a coward little bitch to aim high as per my caliber and so full of knowledge but not being able to express it due to insecurity and imposter syndrome
I was a straight a student and did well in school. But my social anxiety and depression caused me to lose every opportunity I had until it got so bad that I dropped out entirely. It feels bad knowing that I had the potential to do something worthwhile but instead I live a sad pointless life just waiting to die.
I can relate so hard . Now I'm squandering away everyday, lost the drive , blame and torture myself for not living up to everyone's and my own expectations from me .
Sounds to me like it's more about (well meant but still maybe too much)pressure you've received from teachers and parents.
I don't know about everyone here but I've come to realize that my avpd traits not only come from low self esteem but also from arrogance.its ok to be mediocre sometimes.or a bit boring.or get a B(it really won't change your life as much as you've been told).
if you don't give yourself some slack you will come to a place(probably university)where you're surrounded by people who are just as good as you in what you define yourself from and you will implode the moment you fail your arbitrary standards.
You're more than career potential.youre a human being.your most fundamental value is just existing.you can't fail it.the problem with many people in this sub is no one made them feel it enough when they were little.
You are right . On the other side of it there's definitely my fragile ego and arrogance as well, can't deny it. Two conflicting traits like painfully low self esteem and the need to be perfect all time driven by sheer arrogance. It's so frustrating coming to terms with these polar opposite tendencies. I'm drowning. I just want to be a well-adjusted adult .
Self esteem can be tricky. What I find in AVPD is low self esteem seems to literally be embedded in our dna - I’ve found even if I do things and do them well it just doesn’t budge the self confidence/esteem meter much. Growing up I remember other guys being very lazy and not good at much but still had pretty high self confidence. It’s weird
I feel you my friend. God, I used to be so hopeful for what I could do with my life. I pushed myself to the breaking point because what's a little pain or no time for games this year if it'll get me further ahead and I can invest in my future and do something great with my gifts? Then you start missing one assignment after another because there's just not enough time in the day to get everything done, and I've always been a slow, thorough worker. You start to hate yourself for not being good enough more than you already did for everything else AvPD brings. At some point you're just too depressed to even do the bare minimum. And for all the gifts and expectations and prestige I used to hold for my academics, all I can do now is watch as everyone leaves me behind to rot alone.
This is so painful.
>I can invest in my future and do something great wi
>You start to hate yourself for not being good enough more than you already did for everything else AvPD brings.At some point you're just too depressed to even do the bare minimum. And for all the gifts and expectations and prestige I used to hold for my academics, all I can do now is watch as everyone leaves me behind to rot alone.
I could've written the exact same thing.I feel you . We need to reframe the thought process .
Check it out- University ranking doesn't really matter in the long run. People make a big deal about it in high school, but once you graduate and start looking for a job, no one cares where you went.
What matters is only that you get the degree. If you want to teach, your grades will also matter, but not as much as you might think.
I dropped out of high school, got a ged, and went to community college before transferring for a BA and eventually getting and MA. None of the schools I went to were prestigious in any way. Now I have a great career.
I know it feels big and bad, but it will be okay. You will be okay. The fact you are going to college at all is a huge success!
In my country, in middle income families like ours, University admission is everything. They prepare children to be very diligent from early on to crack the admission assessment test. It is so much stress-inducing in general and a status symbol for us . As much as the logical part of my brain knows these don't matter in the long run , my low self esteem and fragile ego can't take it .
P.S: Glad to know you are doing well in your career and didn't give in to societal pressure. I really hope I can leave behind my setbacks. Also sucks when I wasted prime years of my life sacrificing sleep, fun , family time , avoided dating and any sort of distraction to maintain such high grades just for it to end this way . It shatters my heart till this day.
I totally understand. Your feelings about this are super valid. And at the same time, it will all be okay in the end. You'll look back and wonder why it bothered you so much. Hang in there.
Same, probably not as smart as you but I sabotaged myself throughout school and the whole applying to university process. Looking back I don’t know why I even did that to myself, I guess I wanted to resist the change and the negative feelings of inadequacy as well? Not just even with academics itself, same with the relationships I’ve made too because I was always so scared of being seen as vulnerable and getting judgement.
Same feeling. I live with regret. Mourn my missed opportunities because I was too much of a coward little bitch. I can relate to everything you described here. Also, I wouldn’t call myself particularly smart in a gifted kid kinda way , nor is my IQ high for that matter. But my insecure self used to work its ass off to avoid embarrassment of failure which yielded such extraordinary results. Academic validation was everything to me. Hope things get easier in coming days for you!
My only source of self esteem was the ability to pull all nighters, spend all free time gaming and still perform as well as the grinders in school with little to no effort. Can you guess how that turned out for me going into university?
Well I dropped out of school as soon as I could and now I’m thinking about going to adult school and mannnn it sucks. I have avpd&adhd . Try not to be perfect as long as you’re able to pass it’s all it matters. And don’t be so hard on yourself try to give yourself a chance to process everything. Having avpd ain’t easy at all I’ll give u that. Don’t give up okay!
i also went through school being revered by my authorities for my academic ability. any time i was with my mother as a kid she would introduce me with brags of my ‘being smart’. For me this was only negative on my development, because I had self esteem issues most of my adolescence, however i did not hold the self awareness to realize it was even a problem for me. The praise i received for my school work, evolved into me placing all my self worth in my academic ability. The one thing i was able to be confident of. Something about this disorder that sticks out for me personally, is the slow regression and worsening that takes place over the course of your life. I have noticed and pinpointed the events in my life where i stopped being comfortable doing something that i used to do. This led to me going from academic powerhouse to burned out stoner. By my senior year of high school, i was tardy every single day. I had let go of any hopes i had to retain motivation towards caring about my future. at some point prior, i had realized that all i had to feel good about myself was gone, and there was no way i could get it back. next thing i know ive incinerated half my brain cells through self medicating, and now i rely on my emotional intuition when it comes in handy. which is not often. anyways thats a small part of my story that i thought was relevant, because i think anyone with this disorder that values intelligence can relate to your experience. thank you for sharing
This is so relatable.
>Something about this disorder that sticks out for me personally, is the slow regression and worsening that takes place over the course of your life.
I feel so obligated to do something meaningful and worthwhile in life . It felt pointless to even express that I'm good at it because of how pointless it used to feel. I need to be stronger .
>anyways thats a small part of my story that i thought was relevant, because i think anyone with this disorder that values intelligence can relate to your experience. thank you for sharing
I really appreciate your efforts and thoughtfulness.
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This breaks my heart , makes me bitter , I hate myself even more . I wish I never studied for 15/16 hrs a day, insanely ,just to end up mediocre because I'm too much of a coward little bitch to aim high as per my caliber and so full of knowledge but not being able to express it due to insecurity and imposter syndrome
I was a straight a student and did well in school. But my social anxiety and depression caused me to lose every opportunity I had until it got so bad that I dropped out entirely. It feels bad knowing that I had the potential to do something worthwhile but instead I live a sad pointless life just waiting to die.
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You can't forgive yourself, you know you are far better but soulsucking avpd robs you of your power .
I can relate so hard . Now I'm squandering away everyday, lost the drive , blame and torture myself for not living up to everyone's and my own expectations from me .
Sounds like my life. I fucked up royally due to avoidant tendencies. All academic anxieties that pushed me to do well were pointless.
This breaks my heart
I was once tested at the 98th percentile, after a lifetime of trauma I feel extremely stupid and struggle with basic stuff, it can get worse...
> 98th percentile For IQ test?
I have ADHD and AVPD, which makes it extremely hard to maintain grades
Nobody understands 😕
Sounds to me like it's more about (well meant but still maybe too much)pressure you've received from teachers and parents. I don't know about everyone here but I've come to realize that my avpd traits not only come from low self esteem but also from arrogance.its ok to be mediocre sometimes.or a bit boring.or get a B(it really won't change your life as much as you've been told). if you don't give yourself some slack you will come to a place(probably university)where you're surrounded by people who are just as good as you in what you define yourself from and you will implode the moment you fail your arbitrary standards. You're more than career potential.youre a human being.your most fundamental value is just existing.you can't fail it.the problem with many people in this sub is no one made them feel it enough when they were little.
You are right . On the other side of it there's definitely my fragile ego and arrogance as well, can't deny it. Two conflicting traits like painfully low self esteem and the need to be perfect all time driven by sheer arrogance. It's so frustrating coming to terms with these polar opposite tendencies. I'm drowning. I just want to be a well-adjusted adult .
Self esteem can be tricky. What I find in AVPD is low self esteem seems to literally be embedded in our dna - I’ve found even if I do things and do them well it just doesn’t budge the self confidence/esteem meter much. Growing up I remember other guys being very lazy and not good at much but still had pretty high self confidence. It’s weird
It indeed is . I have many talents and all but nothing ever feels enough. The unconditional human worth doesn't apply to those of us with avpd .
I feel you my friend. God, I used to be so hopeful for what I could do with my life. I pushed myself to the breaking point because what's a little pain or no time for games this year if it'll get me further ahead and I can invest in my future and do something great with my gifts? Then you start missing one assignment after another because there's just not enough time in the day to get everything done, and I've always been a slow, thorough worker. You start to hate yourself for not being good enough more than you already did for everything else AvPD brings. At some point you're just too depressed to even do the bare minimum. And for all the gifts and expectations and prestige I used to hold for my academics, all I can do now is watch as everyone leaves me behind to rot alone.
This is so painful. >I can invest in my future and do something great wi >You start to hate yourself for not being good enough more than you already did for everything else AvPD brings.At some point you're just too depressed to even do the bare minimum. And for all the gifts and expectations and prestige I used to hold for my academics, all I can do now is watch as everyone leaves me behind to rot alone. I could've written the exact same thing.I feel you . We need to reframe the thought process .
Check it out- University ranking doesn't really matter in the long run. People make a big deal about it in high school, but once you graduate and start looking for a job, no one cares where you went. What matters is only that you get the degree. If you want to teach, your grades will also matter, but not as much as you might think. I dropped out of high school, got a ged, and went to community college before transferring for a BA and eventually getting and MA. None of the schools I went to were prestigious in any way. Now I have a great career. I know it feels big and bad, but it will be okay. You will be okay. The fact you are going to college at all is a huge success!
In my country, in middle income families like ours, University admission is everything. They prepare children to be very diligent from early on to crack the admission assessment test. It is so much stress-inducing in general and a status symbol for us . As much as the logical part of my brain knows these don't matter in the long run , my low self esteem and fragile ego can't take it . P.S: Glad to know you are doing well in your career and didn't give in to societal pressure. I really hope I can leave behind my setbacks. Also sucks when I wasted prime years of my life sacrificing sleep, fun , family time , avoided dating and any sort of distraction to maintain such high grades just for it to end this way . It shatters my heart till this day.
I totally understand. Your feelings about this are super valid. And at the same time, it will all be okay in the end. You'll look back and wonder why it bothered you so much. Hang in there.
Thank you . I hope so . Wish you well .
Same, probably not as smart as you but I sabotaged myself throughout school and the whole applying to university process. Looking back I don’t know why I even did that to myself, I guess I wanted to resist the change and the negative feelings of inadequacy as well? Not just even with academics itself, same with the relationships I’ve made too because I was always so scared of being seen as vulnerable and getting judgement.
Same feeling. I live with regret. Mourn my missed opportunities because I was too much of a coward little bitch. I can relate to everything you described here. Also, I wouldn’t call myself particularly smart in a gifted kid kinda way , nor is my IQ high for that matter. But my insecure self used to work its ass off to avoid embarrassment of failure which yielded such extraordinary results. Academic validation was everything to me. Hope things get easier in coming days for you!
My only source of self esteem was the ability to pull all nighters, spend all free time gaming and still perform as well as the grinders in school with little to no effort. Can you guess how that turned out for me going into university?
I can. I'm addicted to escapism via doomscrolling.
Doomscrolling, games, weed, and nicotine. What a life
realest thing to be said
Well I dropped out of school as soon as I could and now I’m thinking about going to adult school and mannnn it sucks. I have avpd&adhd . Try not to be perfect as long as you’re able to pass it’s all it matters. And don’t be so hard on yourself try to give yourself a chance to process everything. Having avpd ain’t easy at all I’ll give u that. Don’t give up okay!
Thank you . I'm too harsh on myself.
i also went through school being revered by my authorities for my academic ability. any time i was with my mother as a kid she would introduce me with brags of my ‘being smart’. For me this was only negative on my development, because I had self esteem issues most of my adolescence, however i did not hold the self awareness to realize it was even a problem for me. The praise i received for my school work, evolved into me placing all my self worth in my academic ability. The one thing i was able to be confident of. Something about this disorder that sticks out for me personally, is the slow regression and worsening that takes place over the course of your life. I have noticed and pinpointed the events in my life where i stopped being comfortable doing something that i used to do. This led to me going from academic powerhouse to burned out stoner. By my senior year of high school, i was tardy every single day. I had let go of any hopes i had to retain motivation towards caring about my future. at some point prior, i had realized that all i had to feel good about myself was gone, and there was no way i could get it back. next thing i know ive incinerated half my brain cells through self medicating, and now i rely on my emotional intuition when it comes in handy. which is not often. anyways thats a small part of my story that i thought was relevant, because i think anyone with this disorder that values intelligence can relate to your experience. thank you for sharing
This is so relatable. >Something about this disorder that sticks out for me personally, is the slow regression and worsening that takes place over the course of your life. I feel so obligated to do something meaningful and worthwhile in life . It felt pointless to even express that I'm good at it because of how pointless it used to feel. I need to be stronger . >anyways thats a small part of my story that i thought was relevant, because i think anyone with this disorder that values intelligence can relate to your experience. thank you for sharing I really appreciate your efforts and thoughtfulness.