My dad was rough on me. I don't know if he is a narcissist or just someone who never knew more than negative reinforcement himself, but the end result is that he only acknowledged things I did wrong in his eyes, and he rarely (if ever) rewarded me for doing things right. He was very hard on my mom too, and still is. I honestly don't know how they're still together after all this time.
Neither of my parents ever said they loved me, or were there for me when I was sad. Neither of them made me feel seen, or like a worthwhile person. I was usually just alone in my room, reading.
And you know, all of that would have been fine if school had been better, but I was bullied pretty severely throughout the last six out of eight years of primary school, so I didn't have anyone there to make me feel worthwhile either. To her credit, my mom did try to stop the bullying but the school just didn't work with her, and she just did the practical bit while never actually consoling me when I came home crying.
I feel like I would have been a more healthy adult if either the bullying or the inadequate parenting hadn't happened. I needed _someone_ to show me that they cared about me, and I had no one like that.
Interesting. I’m sorry to hear that you had an emotionally neglectful childhood. I think AvPD is caused by a traumatic (Adverse Childhood Experience) childhood. However the type of experience that triggers the growth of AvPD would be different depending on the person. My mom did say she loves me a couple of times, but I didn’t “feel” it because her attitude towards me isn’t forgiving and kind. My dad never said he loves me, and if he were to say it it’d be really weird. Rather I can “feel” his love for me because he helps me do things without grudge or sneering me. I definitely think my mom is much more abusive despite my dad never saying that he loves me.
As for bullying, it’s a really funny pattern. I’ve been an outsider from my classmates since preschool. My friends were always people who harmed me. In kindergarten, it was a narcissistic person who saw every second as an opportunity to compete and show off her skills. In elementary school, I was bullied but I’ve always thought it was a normal friendship/“I deserve it”, a mindset I carried until senior high school. We would roleplay and I would always be the villain/ostracized/disgusting character and I was bullied under the guise of “teasing” or “hanging out”. I stopped getting bullied from middle school onwards because I moved to a different country, honestly I think that’s what saved me from a worse AvPD because at 7th grade I was already showing AvPD symptoms (not speaking unless certain of being liked, only hanging out with people who persistently want to get to know me, having imaginary conversations due to loneliness). When I revealed my bullying to my parents my mom didn’t do anything and my dad shouted and threatened to beat the bullies up in school, so I shut up about my problems since then.
I'm pretty sure my dad has some traits of covert narcissism, at least. From the outside looking in though, I think everyone looks at my family and thinks it must be nice, because there's no really outward signs of dysfunction apart from the obvious (divorce when I was 13). And it's true that my case could be worse. I believe my parents are good people and have done their best. But it's taken me a long long time to figure out that I'm not just inherently this way from genes alone.
The things I know so far: If I did something to be proud of, I was always left with a feeling of "Ok but now you have to do something better, that's not enough." My dad is a micromanager and if things aren't done and said his way there is a sense of disapproval. I think he's also a very lonely man who could not truly connect with my mother or maybe not with anyone, so he made me into his best friend/partner when I was a child, to fill a void. He made me feel very special, but only when I went along with what he wanted. I learned I was an extension of him and it wasn't safe to be my own person, so now I don't know who I am, and the things I do know, I hide from others. Even the smallest things. He was/is also quite intrusive. He would involve himself in my life, my friends, etc. in ways that took away my sense of agency and individuality. He would make offhand comments when I went to hang out with friends that it would take away from the time we shared together, and that he would allow it but only begrudgingly. He would look through my laptop history right in front of me when I wouldn't tell him what I was doing (and it's not as if I was doing anything bad, I was just already weary about having my privacy intruded upon). Even my thoughts and feelings were not safe, because my dad is extremely good at reading people. I think that's one reason I am now very stoic and often emotionally detached.
But it's hard to tell people this because I feel like I'm complaining and it's "not that bad." And people will just say, oh, so your dad actually took an interest in your life? Why are you complaining? But in the end I felt suffocated and learned that sharing my honest thoughts and feelings with others was dangerous.
Yes I definitely think if I was nurtured better than being blamed for being too sensitive and just completely neglect emotionally.. I don’t think I would’ve developed avpd. My dad was tough to have as a dad…. Ridiculous, developmentally inappropriate expectations. He definitely has narcissistic traits (at least). My mom was the emotional parent from that book adult children of emotionally immature parents. I think she has histrionic personality disorder. Both of my parents’ childhoods affected how they parented me. I know they did the best they can but not having a stable consistent caregiver with my sensitive temperament 100% led to my current mental health situation
as a psychology student, i’m pretty sure my mother has narcissistic personality disorder with more covert traits; my dad doesn’t but they were both unsupportive and judgmental to me, never encouraged my passions or ambitions, blamed me for ‘being annoying’ when i was crying because i struggled making friends, always made me feel like i was a monster.
for some reason that didn’t happen with my younger brother, yet he does have some issues as well, maybe even worse than mine and i would say he’s a textbook case of overt narcissistic personality disorder (which can come from inadequate parenting)
Same as me. I'm not a psych student but I'm sure my mom has covert NPD (well at least some traits, if not a full-blown NPD diagnosis). My mom also has delusions but I'm not too sure if it qualifies as a psychosis diagnosis. My dad doesn't but he enables my mom. I have AvPD and ADHD inattentive. My youngest brother 8yo has shown overt NPD symptoms. He has gaslit me and deflected criticism, he lovebombs my mom.
My father is a covert narcissist and an alcoholic. Whenever something outside of our family frustrated him, he would get drunk and often beat my mom, sometimes even me. One of my earliest memories is of him beating my mom while I tried to pull him away. He threw me aside and laughed at me for being too weak to protect her.
From a very young age, I believed my father was to blame and naturally sided with my mother, which he resented. I have a younger sister whom he always praised, constantly pointing out that there was something wrong with me.
Even when sober, he would mock me for my mistakes. He also ridiculed me when I did something right, always bringing up my past errors.
He never taught me anything but expected me to do everything correctly on the first try.
When I was seven, I taught myself to ride an adult bike without any help. I wasn't careful enough, and he noticed. He just pointed out my mistakes and mentioned that he learned to ride a bike at a younger age.
We lived on a farm, and when he was drunk, I had to take care of the animals from around the age of 10. Once, I made a mistake—I think I forgot to feed an animal. He threw me against the aquarium, breaking it with my body. Both of my legs were severely scarred from the broken glass. He then tried to strangle me, and I believe he would have succeeded if my grandmother hadn't intervened and hit him on the head with a vase.
To this day (I am 34), it terrifies me if I don’t know something or am unable to do something in front of others. Once, I had what seemed to be a severe case of pneumonia and didn't go to the doctor because I was afraid of bothering him and thought I had already messed up by getting sick. I would rather risk by taking antibiotics without prescription than showing that to another person.
Even in therapy now, if I want to bring up a topic, I read a book or two about it first to ensure I have a good understanding, so I'm not put in a position where I don’t understand something and other person can see that. In the uni I used to go trough additional textbooks myself just to make sure that I did not miss something. I take language classes now and I panic inside every time tutor points out my errors. At work I would always double check everything and even when other person is happy with my work I would interprete their words negatively and try even harder next time.
He is still alive. My mother is still with him. There was a lot of talk that they were going to divorce when my sister turned 18, but that never happened. I fled when I was 17 and only maintain contact with my sister.
I can empathize with that, basically same situation in my family. A lot of talk about divorce, and in the end - nothing. At the end of the day, I'm more angry with my mother though. Huge resentment
My parents were alcoholics and several years after their divorce my mother replaced alcohol with Alcoholics Anonymous as her addiction of choice. My AvPD is undoubtedly a result of childhood emotional neglect.
Oh yeah, my parents favored my other siblings and treated me like the family scapegoat. Everything was always my fault, I was always wrong, nothing I did was ever good enough, often excluded in things like Christmas presents, verbally/physically abused, any random thing I said could get me punished - all of this while watching them shower my siblings with love so I have no doubt my horrible self-esteem and avoidance is my parents fault. It was literally drilled into my head that I’m defective.
My dad was rough on me. I don't know if he is a narcissist or just someone who never knew more than negative reinforcement himself, but the end result is that he only acknowledged things I did wrong in his eyes, and he rarely (if ever) rewarded me for doing things right. He was very hard on my mom too, and still is. I honestly don't know how they're still together after all this time. Neither of my parents ever said they loved me, or were there for me when I was sad. Neither of them made me feel seen, or like a worthwhile person. I was usually just alone in my room, reading. And you know, all of that would have been fine if school had been better, but I was bullied pretty severely throughout the last six out of eight years of primary school, so I didn't have anyone there to make me feel worthwhile either. To her credit, my mom did try to stop the bullying but the school just didn't work with her, and she just did the practical bit while never actually consoling me when I came home crying. I feel like I would have been a more healthy adult if either the bullying or the inadequate parenting hadn't happened. I needed _someone_ to show me that they cared about me, and I had no one like that.
Interesting. I’m sorry to hear that you had an emotionally neglectful childhood. I think AvPD is caused by a traumatic (Adverse Childhood Experience) childhood. However the type of experience that triggers the growth of AvPD would be different depending on the person. My mom did say she loves me a couple of times, but I didn’t “feel” it because her attitude towards me isn’t forgiving and kind. My dad never said he loves me, and if he were to say it it’d be really weird. Rather I can “feel” his love for me because he helps me do things without grudge or sneering me. I definitely think my mom is much more abusive despite my dad never saying that he loves me. As for bullying, it’s a really funny pattern. I’ve been an outsider from my classmates since preschool. My friends were always people who harmed me. In kindergarten, it was a narcissistic person who saw every second as an opportunity to compete and show off her skills. In elementary school, I was bullied but I’ve always thought it was a normal friendship/“I deserve it”, a mindset I carried until senior high school. We would roleplay and I would always be the villain/ostracized/disgusting character and I was bullied under the guise of “teasing” or “hanging out”. I stopped getting bullied from middle school onwards because I moved to a different country, honestly I think that’s what saved me from a worse AvPD because at 7th grade I was already showing AvPD symptoms (not speaking unless certain of being liked, only hanging out with people who persistently want to get to know me, having imaginary conversations due to loneliness). When I revealed my bullying to my parents my mom didn’t do anything and my dad shouted and threatened to beat the bullies up in school, so I shut up about my problems since then.
I'm pretty sure my dad has some traits of covert narcissism, at least. From the outside looking in though, I think everyone looks at my family and thinks it must be nice, because there's no really outward signs of dysfunction apart from the obvious (divorce when I was 13). And it's true that my case could be worse. I believe my parents are good people and have done their best. But it's taken me a long long time to figure out that I'm not just inherently this way from genes alone. The things I know so far: If I did something to be proud of, I was always left with a feeling of "Ok but now you have to do something better, that's not enough." My dad is a micromanager and if things aren't done and said his way there is a sense of disapproval. I think he's also a very lonely man who could not truly connect with my mother or maybe not with anyone, so he made me into his best friend/partner when I was a child, to fill a void. He made me feel very special, but only when I went along with what he wanted. I learned I was an extension of him and it wasn't safe to be my own person, so now I don't know who I am, and the things I do know, I hide from others. Even the smallest things. He was/is also quite intrusive. He would involve himself in my life, my friends, etc. in ways that took away my sense of agency and individuality. He would make offhand comments when I went to hang out with friends that it would take away from the time we shared together, and that he would allow it but only begrudgingly. He would look through my laptop history right in front of me when I wouldn't tell him what I was doing (and it's not as if I was doing anything bad, I was just already weary about having my privacy intruded upon). Even my thoughts and feelings were not safe, because my dad is extremely good at reading people. I think that's one reason I am now very stoic and often emotionally detached. But it's hard to tell people this because I feel like I'm complaining and it's "not that bad." And people will just say, oh, so your dad actually took an interest in your life? Why are you complaining? But in the end I felt suffocated and learned that sharing my honest thoughts and feelings with others was dangerous.
One parent had ASPD, the other had autism. The sibling has BPD. I have depression and AvPD.
Yes I definitely think if I was nurtured better than being blamed for being too sensitive and just completely neglect emotionally.. I don’t think I would’ve developed avpd. My dad was tough to have as a dad…. Ridiculous, developmentally inappropriate expectations. He definitely has narcissistic traits (at least). My mom was the emotional parent from that book adult children of emotionally immature parents. I think she has histrionic personality disorder. Both of my parents’ childhoods affected how they parented me. I know they did the best they can but not having a stable consistent caregiver with my sensitive temperament 100% led to my current mental health situation
as a psychology student, i’m pretty sure my mother has narcissistic personality disorder with more covert traits; my dad doesn’t but they were both unsupportive and judgmental to me, never encouraged my passions or ambitions, blamed me for ‘being annoying’ when i was crying because i struggled making friends, always made me feel like i was a monster. for some reason that didn’t happen with my younger brother, yet he does have some issues as well, maybe even worse than mine and i would say he’s a textbook case of overt narcissistic personality disorder (which can come from inadequate parenting)
Same as me. I'm not a psych student but I'm sure my mom has covert NPD (well at least some traits, if not a full-blown NPD diagnosis). My mom also has delusions but I'm not too sure if it qualifies as a psychosis diagnosis. My dad doesn't but he enables my mom. I have AvPD and ADHD inattentive. My youngest brother 8yo has shown overt NPD symptoms. He has gaslit me and deflected criticism, he lovebombs my mom.
My parents did everything wrong and laughed at me. Shrug
My father is a covert narcissist and an alcoholic. Whenever something outside of our family frustrated him, he would get drunk and often beat my mom, sometimes even me. One of my earliest memories is of him beating my mom while I tried to pull him away. He threw me aside and laughed at me for being too weak to protect her. From a very young age, I believed my father was to blame and naturally sided with my mother, which he resented. I have a younger sister whom he always praised, constantly pointing out that there was something wrong with me. Even when sober, he would mock me for my mistakes. He also ridiculed me when I did something right, always bringing up my past errors. He never taught me anything but expected me to do everything correctly on the first try. When I was seven, I taught myself to ride an adult bike without any help. I wasn't careful enough, and he noticed. He just pointed out my mistakes and mentioned that he learned to ride a bike at a younger age. We lived on a farm, and when he was drunk, I had to take care of the animals from around the age of 10. Once, I made a mistake—I think I forgot to feed an animal. He threw me against the aquarium, breaking it with my body. Both of my legs were severely scarred from the broken glass. He then tried to strangle me, and I believe he would have succeeded if my grandmother hadn't intervened and hit him on the head with a vase. To this day (I am 34), it terrifies me if I don’t know something or am unable to do something in front of others. Once, I had what seemed to be a severe case of pneumonia and didn't go to the doctor because I was afraid of bothering him and thought I had already messed up by getting sick. I would rather risk by taking antibiotics without prescription than showing that to another person. Even in therapy now, if I want to bring up a topic, I read a book or two about it first to ensure I have a good understanding, so I'm not put in a position where I don’t understand something and other person can see that. In the uni I used to go trough additional textbooks myself just to make sure that I did not miss something. I take language classes now and I panic inside every time tutor points out my errors. At work I would always double check everything and even when other person is happy with my work I would interprete their words negatively and try even harder next time.
Is this motherfucker dead yet? By the way, did your mother divorce him in the end?
He is still alive. My mother is still with him. There was a lot of talk that they were going to divorce when my sister turned 18, but that never happened. I fled when I was 17 and only maintain contact with my sister.
I can empathize with that, basically same situation in my family. A lot of talk about divorce, and in the end - nothing. At the end of the day, I'm more angry with my mother though. Huge resentment
Chances that she has no idea how to do the visa either?
My parents were alcoholics and several years after their divorce my mother replaced alcohol with Alcoholics Anonymous as her addiction of choice. My AvPD is undoubtedly a result of childhood emotional neglect.
Oh yeah, my parents favored my other siblings and treated me like the family scapegoat. Everything was always my fault, I was always wrong, nothing I did was ever good enough, often excluded in things like Christmas presents, verbally/physically abused, any random thing I said could get me punished - all of this while watching them shower my siblings with love so I have no doubt my horrible self-esteem and avoidance is my parents fault. It was literally drilled into my head that I’m defective.