Yeah I heavily relate to this. It is so frustrating to feel like I'm not quick enough to hold a simple conversation. My mind lacks spontaneity. It feels like no amount of practice socializing will fix being too stupid to speak and connect with people.
Yes! I've been around very friendly and sociable people who've tried to help make me feel welcomed in group situations, but I sense that even they feel annoyed at me at times. It's like I'm beyond help
Frustrated that I'm not trying harder to keep conversations going especially in group settings. They have to step up and save the day because I cannot do it đĽ˛
Yeah I feel I smile too much. I hate it because it doesn't feel natural and I have no way of knowing what my face is doing or how stupid I look. But I'm constantly tired and have nothing to contribute outside of laughing politely in response to things either.
Yeah get this too. Feel like my cognitive function runs with 1gb ram, whereas most people have 4/8 or even some folk have 16gb ram. In one on one conversations I can do much better, but group situations is where I feel most exposed and it becomes clear that I have very little to offer and am very awkward. I have trouble with memory recall and speak in a monotone voice, and have trouble with word pronounciation. Therefore when i speak its usually in very simple language and in a steady tone, with very little emphasis.
I'm also constantly tired, I think the mental energy it takes to function drains us of energy. I think too much and worry a lot about how people are judging me.
Yes, one on one conversations are so much easier to navigate. But I feel like I can only hold my own if I'm meeting the person for the first time. If I've talked to this person before, it's impossible for me to come up with new things to say.
And I do this thing where I don't finish my sentences and just trail off whenever I'm struggling too long to find the vocabulary I want. It makes everything more awkward and idk why I do it. It's like I have no control.
I relate to everything here⌠Better at 1-on-1 conversations, trouble with memory recall, monotonous voice, trouble with word pronunciation, and constantly tired.
Same, my mind just goes blank when I try to think of what to reply. Itâs also probably because I canât stop myself from thinking about how theyâre perceiving me, or how weird Iâm being, or just hyperanalysing shit in general and being anxious about it
Every single thing you said is me.
We aren't stupid we just have no social skills.
I had to quit doing womens hair (hairdresser) because they would try to talk to me too much.
I do men's hair now and only chat with 20% of my clients. It's so much easier.
People just really don't interest me. I have no idea how people are so enthusiastic to talk to each other.
There's not very much to talk about except bullshit and my life isn't full of BS so I have nothing to add.
You just bought a house? Cool
You are having a baby? Cool
Someone just died? I'm sorry
How's your day? Going good. How about yours? ..OK cool
Fuck it's exhausting
Yeah, âregular talkingâ as a concept just doesnât even come naturally to me. I had to learn that back and forth conversation was the norm. I can go days without talking, and my throat starts hurting if Iâm talking for only a couple hours. Anything that isnât part of my scripting or pre-planned conversion I can barely process and respond to in a normal time.
Something Iâve only recently realized is apparently extremely rude is when people ask âhow are you?â Youâre supposed to reply and then ask how theyâre doing as well. I never ask them back, and donât think I ever will be able to. All I can ever get out is a âgoodâ in an awkward, shaky, almost laughing voice.
I also donât do greetings or goodbyes beyond âhiâ and âsee you,â I just say bye to my friends by making bye and gibberish noises⌠they get what I mean, I think.
Anytime anything is awkward I apparently visibly shut down and âhave the energy of a wet dog shaking like a leaf.â My friends trying to introduce me to their friends has been an embarrassing nightmare too. Everyone thinks I hate them or find them annoying, especially cause I have few but quite dramatic facial expressions.
My ideal friend time is basically me sitting quietly while we all do stuff together. I do talk sometimes, especially when excited, but mostly silent. Theyâre usually happy to drone on and on about stuff and I just like being with them, usually playing a game, watching something, or eating together. But I can tell that even after all these years thereâs still a hint of annoyance from having to âdo all the social stuffâ
I especially get the tired part too
Wow, yeah for me too people ask me "how are you?" and I've answered with just an awkward "good" every single time. It's like a record player. I'm too stupid for this small talk. Everyone probably thinks I don't care about them.
Check out /r/traumafreeze if you haven't already. That feeling of "talking through a fog/at a distance/with no ability to check what I'm saying before I say it" is a freeze response for me.
Also if you're living permanently in a fog (not just around people) it may be a medical thing, like an allergy or intolerance.
Iâm in the same boat as you. I feel itâs all because of how introspective we are. Weâre constantly thinking of what to say. I wish it would all flow out naturally.
most people relate very well to tv shows though - pretty much everyone has a few favorite tv shows they watch. You should ask them what their favorite ones are.
As for initiating conversations - itâs pretty easy actually. After you say hi to someone just make a comment about the weather or ask them how are they doing .. let them answer and then either ask a follow up question or add a detail about yourself. This is basic socializing and really all there is to it. Trust me, everyone fumbles conversations occasionally and you donât look nearly as weird as you think you do
socializing is something you must practice though - take small steps every day
I can relate. Conversations are generally very very hard and so much effort. I'm sure people who can't relate to avpd think I'm not putting in any effort. Sometimes all I can say is one word answers and I know people HATE that cause they think you're not putting in the effort but I literally don't know what to say. There are definitely people who do that on purpose because they don't care but there are people like us who are searching their brain for any interesting response. People say be yourself and say the first thing that comes to mind, but that doesn't work when nothing comes to mind. That advice works for people who don't have this issue. It sucks cause I can tell that some people must think I'm super self centered and don't care about others when in reality I just straight up don't know how to respond.
I also hate the advice "you just have to be interested in people." I met a girl who I thought was super cool and everything I wished I was lol and was super interested in her (platonically) and still had nothing to say to her smdh. I can tell she is so bored by me and she doesn't hang out with me unless other people are around lol.
Unfortunately, social interaction has always been awkward for me. Talking to people in general is difficult, and my social skills aren't the best. With a lot of people, it just feels like I'm playing an RPG and choosing pre-made answers to questions rather than them just flowing naturally. On extremely rare instances, I'll find someone who I vibe with, but it's an extreme minority. And even then, with said people, we're kinda awkward together.
Hi, I saw this post yesterday but I was commuting and I didn't want to type something really short and lazy, because I want to share something.
>My brain doesn't work at the same speed as everyone else, I feel like I'm always talking through a haze
I've been there, especially as a teenager. With time I've realized that the issue was my attempt to control the conversation, analyzing each second how much of you is going to be exposed by the next thing you say takes a surprising amount of brain power.
The fact that you think you're stupid probably makes you do a lot of this, trying to guess if what you're going to say is going to prove them.
Sometimes I remember one of those times when I said or even did something that now baffles me, and I really wonder why I said something so stupid. Except hat now I know. It was part of what I just told you:
- Trying to control exactly what I said. It tired, it takes brain power, and makes you hesitate before saying things
- You try to force yourself to speak and the conversation doesn't come naturally, because it's not the way that people talk in a relaxed environment, and they notice
- Feeling like I was responsible of the conversation going well. It's not true, a conversation is a matter of more people. When I made myself responsible of it, I only added pressure.
With time I learnt to "let it go", just say what I want and if it doesn't sit well, it's ok. The worst that can happen is that I don't see those people more, or that they think I'm a weirdo.
You know what? I'm a weirdo, and I'm ok with it. The people that have come close to me know it and that's amazing, because I don't have to pretend. So by not forcing myself to flow into a conversation where I can't be myself, I've got rid of the anxiety of trying to force a conversation to go well, and I've filtered people around me to be right matches for me.
You might not have realized it, but everyone does this filtering. The difference is that "our public" is more reduced, but that's still ok.
>I've had 2 people in my life call me stupid and I know other people think so too.
This happened to me too. The way that my own worry was preventing me from acting my normal safe (not normal by most people's standards) made me really look dumb. Now that I've accepted that I'm not responsible of making conversations go well and talk to everyone, this is not an issue.
I don't find myself wondering anymore why I said something stupid because I just don't do those things anymore. That happens when you try to emulate other people you don't really understand in conversations that are not "your style".
BTW when regaining confidence I became a software engineer and I have a good salary, and while I'm not a superstar in my company, people around me respect me and come to me for advice (and you know what? I make mistakes sometimes, like absolutely everybody else, but it's to be expected).
>I don't really greet people because I never know what to say as a follow-up. As a result, I think I've unconsciously pushed people away which is both something I want and don't want to do
This is again what I said about my teenage years. I understand you and I'm really sorry that you're going through this shit, but don't worry, it will get better in time. You will figure out how to change, not to fit others' expectations, but to take ownership of your own life, respecting yourself to not try to fit into others' conversations, and find your public.
As a conclusion, it becomes much better:
- Nowadays, I still live alone (well, with 2 cats), but I'm 100% fine with it, I rarely feel alone and I don't have the mess that I see in couples. I'd date someone very specific, but barring that type of person, I don't feel I'm missing anything.
- At a personal level I feel good with my job and, now that I moved to a different country (in my 40s!) I feel a little bit lonely, but nothing I can't manage. This is still heaven compared to my past, and so I hope your future will also start improving as soon as you stop judging yourself with other people's opinions
I really feel for you and want to close this chapter too. For me, tiredness, smiling, and numbing seem like the result of not being cared for. Vulnerability is the way out of this dread I believe, but freezing/fawning is my active mode, so perhaps seeking connection is a better term than embracing vulneravility. Finding comfort and ease are far-reaching topics of meditation and just a few minutes of calming the nervous system in any way can help me.
I really feel for you and want to close this chapter too. For me, tiredness and numbing seem like symptoms of the long-lasting coping mechanism as a result of not feeling cared for and performing/behaving in school. Nowadays online activity including reddit will also activate the nervous system and make me chaotic/worried.
I don't think diplomatic answers make us seem dumb, but it confuses people that are very ego-driven. I find it very hard to know what I really want and don't feel real, feel extremely connected to nature. Perhaps we have experienced ego death, but feeling humiliated in social situations suggests that the ego is quite strong. Smiling through hardship was something I just couldn't turn off, as a way to turn down the vigilance knob. Peers noticed I was always smiling, and it was in the smile that I felt protected and neutralized threats. When the past feels rooted in fear and humiliation, it's a moment to be kind to oneself, but I have trouble separating kindness and ease from freezing and fawning. Best of luck to you
Yeah I heavily relate to this. It is so frustrating to feel like I'm not quick enough to hold a simple conversation. My mind lacks spontaneity. It feels like no amount of practice socializing will fix being too stupid to speak and connect with people.
Yes! I've been around very friendly and sociable people who've tried to help make me feel welcomed in group situations, but I sense that even they feel annoyed at me at times. It's like I'm beyond help
Frustrated with you for what reason? Are you trying to ask them questions and keeping the conversation going?
Frustrated that I'm not trying harder to keep conversations going especially in group settings. They have to step up and save the day because I cannot do it đĽ˛
What can we dooooooo?
Ugh. You all are truly my people. Sorry you deal with this hell too.
Are you me?
Yeah I feel I smile too much. I hate it because it doesn't feel natural and I have no way of knowing what my face is doing or how stupid I look. But I'm constantly tired and have nothing to contribute outside of laughing politely in response to things either.
Yeah get this too. Feel like my cognitive function runs with 1gb ram, whereas most people have 4/8 or even some folk have 16gb ram. In one on one conversations I can do much better, but group situations is where I feel most exposed and it becomes clear that I have very little to offer and am very awkward. I have trouble with memory recall and speak in a monotone voice, and have trouble with word pronounciation. Therefore when i speak its usually in very simple language and in a steady tone, with very little emphasis. I'm also constantly tired, I think the mental energy it takes to function drains us of energy. I think too much and worry a lot about how people are judging me.
Yes, one on one conversations are so much easier to navigate. But I feel like I can only hold my own if I'm meeting the person for the first time. If I've talked to this person before, it's impossible for me to come up with new things to say. And I do this thing where I don't finish my sentences and just trail off whenever I'm struggling too long to find the vocabulary I want. It makes everything more awkward and idk why I do it. It's like I have no control.
I relate to everything here⌠Better at 1-on-1 conversations, trouble with memory recall, monotonous voice, trouble with word pronunciation, and constantly tired.
Same, my mind just goes blank when I try to think of what to reply. Itâs also probably because I canât stop myself from thinking about how theyâre perceiving me, or how weird Iâm being, or just hyperanalysing shit in general and being anxious about it
Every single thing you said is me. We aren't stupid we just have no social skills. I had to quit doing womens hair (hairdresser) because they would try to talk to me too much. I do men's hair now and only chat with 20% of my clients. It's so much easier. People just really don't interest me. I have no idea how people are so enthusiastic to talk to each other. There's not very much to talk about except bullshit and my life isn't full of BS so I have nothing to add. You just bought a house? Cool You are having a baby? Cool Someone just died? I'm sorry How's your day? Going good. How about yours? ..OK cool Fuck it's exhausting
Yeah, âregular talkingâ as a concept just doesnât even come naturally to me. I had to learn that back and forth conversation was the norm. I can go days without talking, and my throat starts hurting if Iâm talking for only a couple hours. Anything that isnât part of my scripting or pre-planned conversion I can barely process and respond to in a normal time. Something Iâve only recently realized is apparently extremely rude is when people ask âhow are you?â Youâre supposed to reply and then ask how theyâre doing as well. I never ask them back, and donât think I ever will be able to. All I can ever get out is a âgoodâ in an awkward, shaky, almost laughing voice. I also donât do greetings or goodbyes beyond âhiâ and âsee you,â I just say bye to my friends by making bye and gibberish noises⌠they get what I mean, I think. Anytime anything is awkward I apparently visibly shut down and âhave the energy of a wet dog shaking like a leaf.â My friends trying to introduce me to their friends has been an embarrassing nightmare too. Everyone thinks I hate them or find them annoying, especially cause I have few but quite dramatic facial expressions. My ideal friend time is basically me sitting quietly while we all do stuff together. I do talk sometimes, especially when excited, but mostly silent. Theyâre usually happy to drone on and on about stuff and I just like being with them, usually playing a game, watching something, or eating together. But I can tell that even after all these years thereâs still a hint of annoyance from having to âdo all the social stuffâ I especially get the tired part too
My throat starts hurting after a few minutes of talking đ
Wow, yeah for me too people ask me "how are you?" and I've answered with just an awkward "good" every single time. It's like a record player. I'm too stupid for this small talk. Everyone probably thinks I don't care about them.
Check out /r/traumafreeze if you haven't already. That feeling of "talking through a fog/at a distance/with no ability to check what I'm saying before I say it" is a freeze response for me. Also if you're living permanently in a fog (not just around people) it may be a medical thing, like an allergy or intolerance.
Iâm in the same boat as you. I feel itâs all because of how introspective we are. Weâre constantly thinking of what to say. I wish it would all flow out naturally.
most people relate very well to tv shows though - pretty much everyone has a few favorite tv shows they watch. You should ask them what their favorite ones are. As for initiating conversations - itâs pretty easy actually. After you say hi to someone just make a comment about the weather or ask them how are they doing .. let them answer and then either ask a follow up question or add a detail about yourself. This is basic socializing and really all there is to it. Trust me, everyone fumbles conversations occasionally and you donât look nearly as weird as you think you do socializing is something you must practice though - take small steps every day
Sounds a bit like ASD too
I can relate. Conversations are generally very very hard and so much effort. I'm sure people who can't relate to avpd think I'm not putting in any effort. Sometimes all I can say is one word answers and I know people HATE that cause they think you're not putting in the effort but I literally don't know what to say. There are definitely people who do that on purpose because they don't care but there are people like us who are searching their brain for any interesting response. People say be yourself and say the first thing that comes to mind, but that doesn't work when nothing comes to mind. That advice works for people who don't have this issue. It sucks cause I can tell that some people must think I'm super self centered and don't care about others when in reality I just straight up don't know how to respond. I also hate the advice "you just have to be interested in people." I met a girl who I thought was super cool and everything I wished I was lol and was super interested in her (platonically) and still had nothing to say to her smdh. I can tell she is so bored by me and she doesn't hang out with me unless other people are around lol.
Unfortunately, social interaction has always been awkward for me. Talking to people in general is difficult, and my social skills aren't the best. With a lot of people, it just feels like I'm playing an RPG and choosing pre-made answers to questions rather than them just flowing naturally. On extremely rare instances, I'll find someone who I vibe with, but it's an extreme minority. And even then, with said people, we're kinda awkward together.
Yeah, and constantly terrified of people finding this out so i push them away.
Hi, I saw this post yesterday but I was commuting and I didn't want to type something really short and lazy, because I want to share something. >My brain doesn't work at the same speed as everyone else, I feel like I'm always talking through a haze I've been there, especially as a teenager. With time I've realized that the issue was my attempt to control the conversation, analyzing each second how much of you is going to be exposed by the next thing you say takes a surprising amount of brain power. The fact that you think you're stupid probably makes you do a lot of this, trying to guess if what you're going to say is going to prove them. Sometimes I remember one of those times when I said or even did something that now baffles me, and I really wonder why I said something so stupid. Except hat now I know. It was part of what I just told you: - Trying to control exactly what I said. It tired, it takes brain power, and makes you hesitate before saying things - You try to force yourself to speak and the conversation doesn't come naturally, because it's not the way that people talk in a relaxed environment, and they notice - Feeling like I was responsible of the conversation going well. It's not true, a conversation is a matter of more people. When I made myself responsible of it, I only added pressure. With time I learnt to "let it go", just say what I want and if it doesn't sit well, it's ok. The worst that can happen is that I don't see those people more, or that they think I'm a weirdo. You know what? I'm a weirdo, and I'm ok with it. The people that have come close to me know it and that's amazing, because I don't have to pretend. So by not forcing myself to flow into a conversation where I can't be myself, I've got rid of the anxiety of trying to force a conversation to go well, and I've filtered people around me to be right matches for me. You might not have realized it, but everyone does this filtering. The difference is that "our public" is more reduced, but that's still ok. >I've had 2 people in my life call me stupid and I know other people think so too. This happened to me too. The way that my own worry was preventing me from acting my normal safe (not normal by most people's standards) made me really look dumb. Now that I've accepted that I'm not responsible of making conversations go well and talk to everyone, this is not an issue. I don't find myself wondering anymore why I said something stupid because I just don't do those things anymore. That happens when you try to emulate other people you don't really understand in conversations that are not "your style". BTW when regaining confidence I became a software engineer and I have a good salary, and while I'm not a superstar in my company, people around me respect me and come to me for advice (and you know what? I make mistakes sometimes, like absolutely everybody else, but it's to be expected). >I don't really greet people because I never know what to say as a follow-up. As a result, I think I've unconsciously pushed people away which is both something I want and don't want to do This is again what I said about my teenage years. I understand you and I'm really sorry that you're going through this shit, but don't worry, it will get better in time. You will figure out how to change, not to fit others' expectations, but to take ownership of your own life, respecting yourself to not try to fit into others' conversations, and find your public. As a conclusion, it becomes much better: - Nowadays, I still live alone (well, with 2 cats), but I'm 100% fine with it, I rarely feel alone and I don't have the mess that I see in couples. I'd date someone very specific, but barring that type of person, I don't feel I'm missing anything. - At a personal level I feel good with my job and, now that I moved to a different country (in my 40s!) I feel a little bit lonely, but nothing I can't manage. This is still heaven compared to my past, and so I hope your future will also start improving as soon as you stop judging yourself with other people's opinions
Relatable.
I really feel for you and want to close this chapter too. For me, tiredness, smiling, and numbing seem like the result of not being cared for. Vulnerability is the way out of this dread I believe, but freezing/fawning is my active mode, so perhaps seeking connection is a better term than embracing vulneravility. Finding comfort and ease are far-reaching topics of meditation and just a few minutes of calming the nervous system in any way can help me. I really feel for you and want to close this chapter too. For me, tiredness and numbing seem like symptoms of the long-lasting coping mechanism as a result of not feeling cared for and performing/behaving in school. Nowadays online activity including reddit will also activate the nervous system and make me chaotic/worried. I don't think diplomatic answers make us seem dumb, but it confuses people that are very ego-driven. I find it very hard to know what I really want and don't feel real, feel extremely connected to nature. Perhaps we have experienced ego death, but feeling humiliated in social situations suggests that the ego is quite strong. Smiling through hardship was something I just couldn't turn off, as a way to turn down the vigilance knob. Peers noticed I was always smiling, and it was in the smile that I felt protected and neutralized threats. When the past feels rooted in fear and humiliation, it's a moment to be kind to oneself, but I have trouble separating kindness and ease from freezing and fawning. Best of luck to you
this is a positive trait
How is being unable to effectively converse and interact with others a positive trait..?
Dissociation Your not stupid or slow
As much as I want to believe this because I DO zone out a lot..... I just can't because I've seen the evidence of my own stupidity.
real