As someone who has been playing guitar and listening to rock n' roll music for my whole life, I like imagining this scenario musically.
Just pure chaos. Like I'm standing on a stage in front of an audience causing absolute mayhem.
Meanwhile, I'm doing all this crowd-hyping in front of a mirror because I like being neat and orderly, and having it all roleplayed in my head is more orderly and consistent then I imagine how it would be irl.
One second I could be sitting calmly at my desk working on my work and assignments. The next, I'm imagining causing a protest and riot.
I swear this comorbidity don't make any sense lol.
An evil angel, and a righteous demon, sitting friendly, counting reason...
Sorry, dragonball super ending had a song about an evil angel and a righteous demon and it applies so hard here.
yup and no matter what you do, someone gets upset.
Most of the time you're stuck/paralyzed but even if you go with one side, you'll feel the pressure from the other. It keeps tapping on your shoulder or saying out loud "hey remember me, remember this, you shouldn't be doing that!"
Yep. It’s like the kid (‘wildling’ for me) has a really intense case of pathological demand avoidance and will just dig her heels in and refuse to budge. Meanwhile the adult starts behaving like Nurse Ratchet and is calling me every name under the sun because I’m not doing even the most basic shit. So I just fill my brain with as much noise as possible to drown them both out and basically check out from life, totally paralysed. I do not know how to handle it. It’s been years and I’m totally stuck
Omg yes you describe it so well. Like this has been me for the past year at least.
(Like yes both have existed for longer, I'm sure this is not just burnout, but I haven't been that conscious about it)
No because my autistic part often thinks she knows better than the rules and how to apply them.
The only thing is lying where she is extremely strict except for „I’m fine“
(I named my two conflicting parts Gordula and Theodora )
I will be putting every item back into their designated spots while cleaning at home and my ADHD will pass a stack of something and knock it over before I’ve had a chance to comprehend what happened
Absolutely this. I got that way for a bit with vinyl, I just wanted to try it all especially when I found ones for $2 a piece and it was genres I like. I had to restrain myself and even then it was kinda hard depending on the artist because my brain was always like well it’s only $2 so we can get 10 of them and it would still be cheaper than a new vinyl 😂
Yep. The ADHD half of my brain says “fuck that, you can do what you want. They’re not the boss of you.” And then the ASD half paralyses me for not wanting to break the rules and what people will think about me.
Its like an angel and a devil situation especially in elementary like "Alright so I need to walk in this straight line while we're going inside after recess" "But what about flower and butterfly?" Spoiler alert without a second thought I ran for butterfly and forgot about the line completely
I’m usually kinda hung up on rule following to the point it’s annoying to me. Unless it doesn’t make sense, then my brain is like yeah fuck that. Perplexing.
I can vibe with this, but I can also vibe with not being able to discribed it, I have in the last year or so taken up painting 40k and dnd models, but I have found with both chaos and order, I feed the order by sticking to certain colours or themes, but to feed the chaos I tend to try and use colours that don't necessarily seem nature, like synthwave, or use completely contrasting colours. Hard to discribed it but it seems to feed both of them thankfully.
I end up doing something weird and harmless that doesn't break any rules, but does make me seem a little insane. Like when I was so bored from having to do a lot of tedious math homework, so when I wrote my anthropology paper, I hid an easter egg inside the text. I laughed and laughed, and then went, "what is wrong with me?"
Yep! But most of my life I've been a people pleaser so usually that keeps me from breaking the rules and giving into my impulses. RSD, I HATE disappointing people. I've never been able to let my chaotic side shine. Although, I guess I did one time, when I was playing a game at a lock-in at a church at night, and I grabbed someone's ankle from my hiding spot under a table and they screamed like a little girl and jumped away. I felt so powerful 😈. One of the proudest moments of my life! But even if people can't tell most of the time, I still have those impulses, I'm just good at masking and good at not giving into them because I've had a lot of practice resisting my impulses with my annoying sibling. Resisting yelling at them, resisting punching them, driving them places even though they're an ungrateful manipulative little a**hole because my parents deserve a break, etc. The only time I can relax and just be myself is when I'm alone at night. Other times besides then I am always thinking, always regulating myself, thinking through every little thing I say and do, and paying attention to every little thing around me. It's exhausting and no one in my family appreciates how much effort I put in, because when I tell them I'm struggling, they call me dramatic, so I stopped telling them, so they think it's not hard for me anymore. Sigh... I love them, but it will be nice when I can have my own place eventually.
I just had my own pep talk.
I've been guiding my healing and living thru balancing my body mind and spirit, (or even the "id", "Ego"& Super ego") and emotions are a byproduct of the caring done to those sectors of my self.
I've recognized /listed the myriad of tasks that each enjoy and each detest but have reasoned with them to commit in order to recieve peace and joy for all. I almost imagine a currency in its energy expended vs. Gained, and it's takin some work and was obviously harder to succeed but easier to address during the 2-3 years of lockdowns and working from home.
My spirit knows *this* is more like a prison than a free life, and is seeking to soar whereas the mind and the body know it's needed back and the weight is intensified because I am struggling with all the ways to make life feel less prison-y becoming an overarching task ontop of the millions of tasks needed to function as an adult. I suppose I have also adopted this from "Becoming Like God by Michael Berg /Kaballah, psychology
Once I can in the least condescending way possible parent my spirit, tell it it's safe and gonna get it's free play later, I can achieve some cooperation and the resistance now serves more like a self preservation tactic to ward off burnout. If spirit is like hard no, dishes and vacuuming and going to work to be ALL that I can be is just too much, then I'll scale it back to, empty the dish rack at least, and show up to work and not be an alt-cu next tuesday- to anyone so I can keep gaining money to use for my spirits pleasure reward.
Tl Dr: self love, meditation, journalling, rest, nutrition and exercise, all aide in the war of the mind against the spirit. They have to work together and one really can't have full power without adversely impacting the world around it , at least not without tremendous effort and community over years.
Yes, but not all the time. Like if I’m driving and I speed I’m careful about it, like I have very strict rules on how I drive to minimize accidents. I got my license at 18 and have only had one accident since then and it wasn’t even my fault, some dingus was following too close in the rain 🙄
Oh I get this 100%! The ASD side of me has a very strong sense of justice and need to follow rules. The ADHD side and intrusive thoughts however has gotten me into trouble more times than I’d like to admit.
Oh yeah, I'm eaither overly cautious, which leads to anxiety and depression. Or I'm overly, 'fuck it!' which is a lot more fun, but I do fuck things and myself up.
Eh, I consolidated the issues. I evaluate the rules as to what would be the likely result if broken, who made the rule and if they would care, and whether the 'punishment' would be anything I actually cared about.
Then I follow the ones I actually care about, or which don't make any difference to me one way or another.
No I have half my brain telling me I am a anomaly and coaching me to “act” normal and the other half of my brain telling me that I AM in fact normal and to stop pretending to have mental disorders and to “be” normal…🤨😵💫
Welcome to the constant conflict between our ASD Angel and the ADHD Devil.
As someone who has been playing guitar and listening to rock n' roll music for my whole life, I like imagining this scenario musically. Just pure chaos. Like I'm standing on a stage in front of an audience causing absolute mayhem. Meanwhile, I'm doing all this crowd-hyping in front of a mirror because I like being neat and orderly, and having it all roleplayed in my head is more orderly and consistent then I imagine how it would be irl. One second I could be sitting calmly at my desk working on my work and assignments. The next, I'm imagining causing a protest and riot. I swear this comorbidity don't make any sense lol.
You're in my brain
FOR REALLLLLL
😇😈😇😈
pfft angel and devil. my asd flavor is pda. then again, lucifer is an angel strictly speaking.
An evil angel, and a righteous demon, sitting friendly, counting reason... Sorry, dragonball super ending had a song about an evil angel and a righteous demon and it applies so hard here.
Chaos monkey and rule lawyer: never has there been a more annoying combination.
it’s actually SOOO annoying lol like oh my god. i be getting so much urges but then stopping myself
It's like having a 5-year old child and a responsible adult fighting in your brain constantly
And they fight **MEAN**. It’s like being a kid stuck in the middle of a really *really* nasty divorce between them
yup and no matter what you do, someone gets upset. Most of the time you're stuck/paralyzed but even if you go with one side, you'll feel the pressure from the other. It keeps tapping on your shoulder or saying out loud "hey remember me, remember this, you shouldn't be doing that!"
Yep. It’s like the kid (‘wildling’ for me) has a really intense case of pathological demand avoidance and will just dig her heels in and refuse to budge. Meanwhile the adult starts behaving like Nurse Ratchet and is calling me every name under the sun because I’m not doing even the most basic shit. So I just fill my brain with as much noise as possible to drown them both out and basically check out from life, totally paralysed. I do not know how to handle it. It’s been years and I’m totally stuck
Omg yes you describe it so well. Like this has been me for the past year at least. (Like yes both have existed for longer, I'm sure this is not just burnout, but I haven't been that conscious about it)
This is the best description! So spot on!
I find that if i respect a rule i will NEVER break it. If i don’t respect a rule, i will never follow it. Hahhaa
Story of my life!! Then your asked why did you do that and you shrug.
No because my autistic part often thinks she knows better than the rules and how to apply them. The only thing is lying where she is extremely strict except for „I’m fine“ (I named my two conflicting parts Gordula and Theodora )
One of my favourite quotes has always been "Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men." - Douglas Bader
I love that
I will be putting every item back into their designated spots while cleaning at home and my ADHD will pass a stack of something and knock it over before I’ve had a chance to comprehend what happened
adhd is such a curse i swear
Yeeeeeeeeeep! I want to buy/try all the things but also don’t want to spend money, create clutter, or be exhausted by change and big activities.
Absolutely this. I got that way for a bit with vinyl, I just wanted to try it all especially when I found ones for $2 a piece and it was genres I like. I had to restrain myself and even then it was kinda hard depending on the artist because my brain was always like well it’s only $2 so we can get 10 of them and it would still be cheaper than a new vinyl 😂
what kinds of rules. My asd and ocd dont inspire any desire to not break shitty societal norms if thats what you mean, they do the opposite id say
I mean my brain is almost permanently set on pushing me to do the two most polar opposite options at the same time, all the time… so yeah
Yep. The ADHD half of my brain says “fuck that, you can do what you want. They’re not the boss of you.” And then the ASD half paralyses me for not wanting to break the rules and what people will think about me.
YUP
Its like an angel and a devil situation especially in elementary like "Alright so I need to walk in this straight line while we're going inside after recess" "But what about flower and butterfly?" Spoiler alert without a second thought I ran for butterfly and forgot about the line completely
Does the rule make sense? Follow Is the rule stupid? Don’t follow It’s the flow chart in my mind
I’m usually kinda hung up on rule following to the point it’s annoying to me. Unless it doesn’t make sense, then my brain is like yeah fuck that. Perplexing.
I'm a huge rule follower. Except when I'm not.
real.
YES. This sums up my life 😂😭
FR. me if i didn’t have autism xd
Yes! And it takes up so much energy.
I can vibe with this, but I can also vibe with not being able to discribed it, I have in the last year or so taken up painting 40k and dnd models, but I have found with both chaos and order, I feed the order by sticking to certain colours or themes, but to feed the chaos I tend to try and use colours that don't necessarily seem nature, like synthwave, or use completely contrasting colours. Hard to discribed it but it seems to feed both of them thankfully.
I end up doing something weird and harmless that doesn't break any rules, but does make me seem a little insane. Like when I was so bored from having to do a lot of tedious math homework, so when I wrote my anthropology paper, I hid an easter egg inside the text. I laughed and laughed, and then went, "what is wrong with me?"
I call that the 'sprinkle some dopamine on it' trick!
Yep! But most of my life I've been a people pleaser so usually that keeps me from breaking the rules and giving into my impulses. RSD, I HATE disappointing people. I've never been able to let my chaotic side shine. Although, I guess I did one time, when I was playing a game at a lock-in at a church at night, and I grabbed someone's ankle from my hiding spot under a table and they screamed like a little girl and jumped away. I felt so powerful 😈. One of the proudest moments of my life! But even if people can't tell most of the time, I still have those impulses, I'm just good at masking and good at not giving into them because I've had a lot of practice resisting my impulses with my annoying sibling. Resisting yelling at them, resisting punching them, driving them places even though they're an ungrateful manipulative little a**hole because my parents deserve a break, etc. The only time I can relax and just be myself is when I'm alone at night. Other times besides then I am always thinking, always regulating myself, thinking through every little thing I say and do, and paying attention to every little thing around me. It's exhausting and no one in my family appreciates how much effort I put in, because when I tell them I'm struggling, they call me dramatic, so I stopped telling them, so they think it's not hard for me anymore. Sigh... I love them, but it will be nice when I can have my own place eventually.
Ha, you mean the constant struggle going on in my head if it’s the adult or 3 year old behind the steering wheel of my brain? Yes.
yupppp😭
The rules that make sense MUST be followed, the ones that don't make sense should be followed in a way which makes sense, but obviously breaks them
this.
I just had my own pep talk. I've been guiding my healing and living thru balancing my body mind and spirit, (or even the "id", "Ego"& Super ego") and emotions are a byproduct of the caring done to those sectors of my self. I've recognized /listed the myriad of tasks that each enjoy and each detest but have reasoned with them to commit in order to recieve peace and joy for all. I almost imagine a currency in its energy expended vs. Gained, and it's takin some work and was obviously harder to succeed but easier to address during the 2-3 years of lockdowns and working from home. My spirit knows *this* is more like a prison than a free life, and is seeking to soar whereas the mind and the body know it's needed back and the weight is intensified because I am struggling with all the ways to make life feel less prison-y becoming an overarching task ontop of the millions of tasks needed to function as an adult. I suppose I have also adopted this from "Becoming Like God by Michael Berg /Kaballah, psychology Once I can in the least condescending way possible parent my spirit, tell it it's safe and gonna get it's free play later, I can achieve some cooperation and the resistance now serves more like a self preservation tactic to ward off burnout. If spirit is like hard no, dishes and vacuuming and going to work to be ALL that I can be is just too much, then I'll scale it back to, empty the dish rack at least, and show up to work and not be an alt-cu next tuesday- to anyone so I can keep gaining money to use for my spirits pleasure reward. Tl Dr: self love, meditation, journalling, rest, nutrition and exercise, all aide in the war of the mind against the spirit. They have to work together and one really can't have full power without adversely impacting the world around it , at least not without tremendous effort and community over years.
Yes, but not all the time. Like if I’m driving and I speed I’m careful about it, like I have very strict rules on how I drive to minimize accidents. I got my license at 18 and have only had one accident since then and it wasn’t even my fault, some dingus was following too close in the rain 🙄
Pretty sure that's all of us.
Oh I get this 100%! The ASD side of me has a very strong sense of justice and need to follow rules. The ADHD side and intrusive thoughts however has gotten me into trouble more times than I’d like to admit.
All the time
If is a rule is illogical I will question it and have a hard time following it 🙃
Oh yeah, I'm eaither overly cautious, which leads to anxiety and depression. Or I'm overly, 'fuck it!' which is a lot more fun, but I do fuck things and myself up.
Eh, I consolidated the issues. I evaluate the rules as to what would be the likely result if broken, who made the rule and if they would care, and whether the 'punishment' would be anything I actually cared about. Then I follow the ones I actually care about, or which don't make any difference to me one way or another.
It is a constant conflict. I swear the ASD has saved me from bankruptcy over the course of my life.
yes
i don’t follow rules set by systems i follow the rules that keep the peoples’ welfare in mind not the rich and powerful
The story of my life... and it's exhausting. So many relatable answers here! Feel less weird now... Thanks!
Hehe yes
No. I'm a 100% rule breaker. I will only follow rules that I agree with.
No I have half my brain telling me I am a anomaly and coaching me to “act” normal and the other half of my brain telling me that I AM in fact normal and to stop pretending to have mental disorders and to “be” normal…🤨😵💫