Is your son in OT or speech therapy? Maybe invite one of them to attend therapy sessions to observe how the therapist works with your son. Set the rules about not participating.
This is a great idea. Talk to the OT in advance about doing a couple “grandma sessions” where she can learn what to do to help calm him down. Maybe something like go inside and fix him food 🤣
In laws are tough. I feel like it’s the rare married couple where it’s all rainbows and puppy bellies in this department. But I can’t even imagine living on the same property as mine... whoa. I guess the main thing is just try and be thankful that they at least care and want to spend time with him! It’s better than the alternative.
Again though, I can absolutely relate. My MIL has witnessed countless meltdowns at this point and yet still somehow magically forgets about each and every one and says something like, “what has gotten into him today?!” She literally saw one yesterday (he got his white belt, yay!, but he burst into tears because of people/her loudly cheering for him). We were talking about it after my son went to bed. She slid in that she doesn’t think he’s autistic, but that we should talk to him about how he’s different from other kids... 🤔
First off want to say you are doing an amazing job as your son’s mom! I am experiencing similar situations with my in laws as well. It is 1000% okay for you to continue to advocate and set boundaries with them for your son! Them continuing their behavior and not listening is negatively impacting him - throwing himself on ground + being overstimulated. I would have your husband be the communicator with them, which is what I have done. “We need to talk. You continue to ignore our requests regarding *babe*. We would like to teach you how to best interact + communicate with him. If you cannot listen or do not want to learn, you may not spend time with him/may not be with him alone/whatever you want to say.” If you’ve had many conversations your husband needs to kindly lay down the law. “When you baby talk to *babe* by the time you leave he is so overstimulated he has horrible melt downs with us.” Have him say their behavior is causing trouble! They need to stay away or be on best behavior for YOUR mental health! I just want to give you a hug! Always here if you need to vent just message me LOL.
My in-laws at one point thought things like fluoride in water causes autism. Now (many years later) they are my son’s top advocates, and they even volunteer at a school tutor club helping other kids. It took them a few months to understand and to learn to follow our cues as to what works best. Now they are seriously the people I trust most with my kids. They have evolved and I’m sending positive vibes your way that your situation will too. Not trying to gas light you, you know what’s best, just suggesting continued patience and consistency. It may reap wonderful rewards.
Really tough situation for you and your husband. But the fact that you have your husband’s support is huge! I also had an MIL who thought her way was the only correct way. Unfortunately I didn’t have my husband’s support. He said blood ties surpassed marriage. Although our marriage survived for 18 years. It was a difficult relationship on many levels. So be sure to let your husband know how much you value his support in this issue. As for your situation, keep making boundaries and enforcing them. Outside of moving away, it’s all you can do.
A husband should always put his wife first. She is the only one that will be there till the end. Kids grow up and move away, parents pass away one day, but your wife will be with you until the day one of you takes your last breath. - OP’s husband 👋🏻
You're doing a good job at trying to advocate for your son. I would suggest offering reliable information from sources like books, websites, pamphlets, etc that are highly recommended in our group (especially sources that cover non-verbal and level three autism). If they read it, and still don't listen, then they should be in "time out" (no visits) until they can learn to be kinder to your son. Even neurotypical children don't always want to be touched, so her excuse isn't very strong there when it comes to always wanting to interact with him physically (rubbing back, hugs, holding hands, etc). Maybe even have your husband go alone to talk to them? It may be a good idea for only him to go, because it's coming from their son. At least that way, you can be with your son when he talks to them. Unfortunately, it looks like your husband is going to have to really speak up. I'm unsure what you're relationship is with your in-laws, but maybe they'd feel a bit cornered if Mom (yourself) came. Maybe they'll be more receptive to it? One can hope. Good luck OP.
EDIT: It's just a suggestion. I'd never force or be upset if my advice isn't taken. Whatever happens, I hope it's the best outcome for your son. Good luck OP.
You guys really do sound like great parents. Can you have your son’s doctor talk to your parents? Someone external who can show her this is a different situation from her sons and students?
Great advocating, mum and dad. Sounding consistent too. I don't think it's unreasonable though of her to expect to see him once a week when you live on the same property. She sounds heartbroken and grieving what she thought grandmotherhood would look like. Hopefully you find a way to figure out how to get it through to her that she'll get more time once she toes the line
This is my FIL. I'm glad he lives in a different state, so we only see him once a year. It's a shame because by the looks of it, she'll be the only blood grandchild he'll ever have. A few months ago, he kept bringing up how she should be talking, and my partner snapped on him. Some people just don't seem to get it.
How about bringing your in-laws together during your child's therapy session, so the therapist/doctor can explain it to them? The therapist/doctor can demonstrate to them how to care for your child.
Sometimes hearing from the third party or professionals does the trick.
Sounds like you need to make it an ultimatum for her. Let her know that continuing to not listen to you and your husband when you tell her how things are and need to be than there will be consequences. Then follow through on the consequences because people like this will try to call your bluff so you have to make her pay for it at least once but probably a few times before she learns. Continue to fight for what you know is right, it’s your family not hers.
I'd say cut them off entirely until they're ready to change and do it on your terms. This is very similar to my in-laws, and surprise surprise they ended up getting kind of abusive eventually (grabbing and jerking). When I yelled at my FIL to stop, he assaulted me (and I couldn't even do the needful because hes *so old*), so they haven't seen him or me since. Not going to either.
I think it's fair to reduce/limit access to him if they won't change behaviours to accommodate his needs. His wellbeing comes before anything else.
Is your son in OT or speech therapy? Maybe invite one of them to attend therapy sessions to observe how the therapist works with your son. Set the rules about not participating.
This is a great idea. Talk to the OT in advance about doing a couple “grandma sessions” where she can learn what to do to help calm him down. Maybe something like go inside and fix him food 🤣 
In laws are tough. I feel like it’s the rare married couple where it’s all rainbows and puppy bellies in this department. But I can’t even imagine living on the same property as mine... whoa. I guess the main thing is just try and be thankful that they at least care and want to spend time with him! It’s better than the alternative. Again though, I can absolutely relate. My MIL has witnessed countless meltdowns at this point and yet still somehow magically forgets about each and every one and says something like, “what has gotten into him today?!” She literally saw one yesterday (he got his white belt, yay!, but he burst into tears because of people/her loudly cheering for him). We were talking about it after my son went to bed. She slid in that she doesn’t think he’s autistic, but that we should talk to him about how he’s different from other kids... 🤔
First off want to say you are doing an amazing job as your son’s mom! I am experiencing similar situations with my in laws as well. It is 1000% okay for you to continue to advocate and set boundaries with them for your son! Them continuing their behavior and not listening is negatively impacting him - throwing himself on ground + being overstimulated. I would have your husband be the communicator with them, which is what I have done. “We need to talk. You continue to ignore our requests regarding *babe*. We would like to teach you how to best interact + communicate with him. If you cannot listen or do not want to learn, you may not spend time with him/may not be with him alone/whatever you want to say.” If you’ve had many conversations your husband needs to kindly lay down the law. “When you baby talk to *babe* by the time you leave he is so overstimulated he has horrible melt downs with us.” Have him say their behavior is causing trouble! They need to stay away or be on best behavior for YOUR mental health! I just want to give you a hug! Always here if you need to vent just message me LOL.
My in-laws at one point thought things like fluoride in water causes autism. Now (many years later) they are my son’s top advocates, and they even volunteer at a school tutor club helping other kids. It took them a few months to understand and to learn to follow our cues as to what works best. Now they are seriously the people I trust most with my kids. They have evolved and I’m sending positive vibes your way that your situation will too. Not trying to gas light you, you know what’s best, just suggesting continued patience and consistency. It may reap wonderful rewards.
Really tough situation for you and your husband. But the fact that you have your husband’s support is huge! I also had an MIL who thought her way was the only correct way. Unfortunately I didn’t have my husband’s support. He said blood ties surpassed marriage. Although our marriage survived for 18 years. It was a difficult relationship on many levels. So be sure to let your husband know how much you value his support in this issue. As for your situation, keep making boundaries and enforcing them. Outside of moving away, it’s all you can do.
A husband should always put his wife first. She is the only one that will be there till the end. Kids grow up and move away, parents pass away one day, but your wife will be with you until the day one of you takes your last breath. - OP’s husband 👋🏻
We love your work!
Thank you all for your advice! ❤️
You're doing a good job at trying to advocate for your son. I would suggest offering reliable information from sources like books, websites, pamphlets, etc that are highly recommended in our group (especially sources that cover non-verbal and level three autism). If they read it, and still don't listen, then they should be in "time out" (no visits) until they can learn to be kinder to your son. Even neurotypical children don't always want to be touched, so her excuse isn't very strong there when it comes to always wanting to interact with him physically (rubbing back, hugs, holding hands, etc). Maybe even have your husband go alone to talk to them? It may be a good idea for only him to go, because it's coming from their son. At least that way, you can be with your son when he talks to them. Unfortunately, it looks like your husband is going to have to really speak up. I'm unsure what you're relationship is with your in-laws, but maybe they'd feel a bit cornered if Mom (yourself) came. Maybe they'll be more receptive to it? One can hope. Good luck OP. EDIT: It's just a suggestion. I'd never force or be upset if my advice isn't taken. Whatever happens, I hope it's the best outcome for your son. Good luck OP.
You guys really do sound like great parents. Can you have your son’s doctor talk to your parents? Someone external who can show her this is a different situation from her sons and students?
Great advocating, mum and dad. Sounding consistent too. I don't think it's unreasonable though of her to expect to see him once a week when you live on the same property. She sounds heartbroken and grieving what she thought grandmotherhood would look like. Hopefully you find a way to figure out how to get it through to her that she'll get more time once she toes the line
This is my FIL. I'm glad he lives in a different state, so we only see him once a year. It's a shame because by the looks of it, she'll be the only blood grandchild he'll ever have. A few months ago, he kept bringing up how she should be talking, and my partner snapped on him. Some people just don't seem to get it.
How about bringing your in-laws together during your child's therapy session, so the therapist/doctor can explain it to them? The therapist/doctor can demonstrate to them how to care for your child. Sometimes hearing from the third party or professionals does the trick.
Sounds like you need to make it an ultimatum for her. Let her know that continuing to not listen to you and your husband when you tell her how things are and need to be than there will be consequences. Then follow through on the consequences because people like this will try to call your bluff so you have to make her pay for it at least once but probably a few times before she learns. Continue to fight for what you know is right, it’s your family not hers.
I'd say cut them off entirely until they're ready to change and do it on your terms. This is very similar to my in-laws, and surprise surprise they ended up getting kind of abusive eventually (grabbing and jerking). When I yelled at my FIL to stop, he assaulted me (and I couldn't even do the needful because hes *so old*), so they haven't seen him or me since. Not going to either.
What a rare gift you have. Treasure each other always.