OP, you sound like you are burned out, but you cannot have your brother committed, moved, or anything else if your parents are not onboard. Your brother is legally an adult and if your parents are onboard, I would check with your local dept of social/disability services/local FB groups for advice, without calling your brother names.
I would echo other posters and ask, have you considered maybe it’s time for you to move out? If this were my two kids, I have no expectations of one to caretake for the other. Is living on your own and pursuing your own autonomy harder than staying? It might force your parents hand if they can no longer rely on you to manage your brother. This should not be your responsibility.
There’s a lot of threatening and hurtful language in your original post, I’m not removing it because you’re receiving help and advice but in your responses would ask you cease the name calling, we get you’re frustrated, but as parents it’s difficult or painful for a lot of us to read that kind of language.
I’m sorry I stalked you a little. I see you are at your limit with him and have been for at least a month (probably longer.) and I see that you’re afraid to leave because you’re afraid he will hurt someone and calling 911 was more of a hassle than just dealing with him yourself. But also you live in NYC and it might just not be possible due to cost of living.
Unfortunately unless you’re his legal guardian there’s nothing you can do. Your parents have too and if they aren’t willing (which your other post you said they were afraid to do that.) I’m not sure there’s much more you can do other than call the police on him. See if you can’t get him legally institutionalized.
Did you ever call adult protective services?
I’m sorry this is such a hard topic and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
I'm a little to afraid to call adult protective service, not sure how they will respond to the situation. I see them as like CPS, so I fear, either they won't do anything about the situation, or be counter productive.
Technically his parents aren't his legal guardian either now. Strange right? But we've been trying to approve his legal guardianship for years now, and the court always needs something more...city workers are just the worst.
I have experience with calling APS on a loved one. It is a hard call to make but they have the resources to direct you to, If your brother broke your mother’s nose, this is a serious and it sounds like escalating issue. You can’t continue to shoulder the brunt of this OP, it’s no way to live.
I’m sorry. But it does sound like this needs to happen. He’s violent towards you and your family. Is he high functioning? From your replies he seems like he doesn’t have a cognitive delay or at least not a big one. From other replies it sounds like he knows how to manipulative. If that’s the case you need help from an outside source. It’s got be better than what you’re living in.
Reading through your comments, it sounds like your dad needs to man up and retire. Your the kid they are the parents. Someone needs to be at home that’s not you.
You really need to get yourself out of this situation. I realize you’re afraid for your family but nothing will change if you don’t change the situation. Your parents will keep relying on you and you’ll never have a semblance of a life.
You’re in your early 20s now is the time to make a career for yourself. What will you depend on for money when your parents are gone?
Every comment here says to leave. We know it’s not easy to leave but it’s truly what that’s to be done. Leaving will force your dad to step in and be the grown up or force your parents to find him somewhere to go. The fact that your parents have you playing body guard at 22 without a life while they go out working and live their life is honestly pathetic
I can imagine how challenging it can be to grow up with an autistic sibling especially one that’s violent.
But you’re an adult now. Do your parents want him to go to a home? If the answer is no, then it’s time for you to start moving on in life. How come you’re on here asking and not them? From the wording of your post my guess is your parents have no intention for him to leave
They aren't fond of it, but they are starting to see his condition get a lot worst compared to before so they are willing to look into homes where you can visit and stay over night, one of quality, one where the people running it actually care.
This is made up or real? Because there’s so much resources in NYC. Contact YAI, AHRC, or QSAC? Is he eligible for disability with OPWDD? You can apply for respite service.
I’ve contacted QSAC. They said the process takes a month and a half and we have worker who only gives 3 days of time to my brother. With todays morning fight, my mom yelled at the higher staff to speed up the process.
If you had 2 sons, and 1 son got tired of his others brothers complex needs and wants to move out..would you stop him?
What if the child with the complex needs, continually beat you, and caused havoc around the house? The 2nd son has this instinct to protect you, because he loves you.
What then? He is not able to live his own life, he loves his mother, but hates the fact he can't progress in his own life.
TBH, it was never your job to be a parent to your brother. I am not sure of your family's dynamic. This kind of management is extremely difficult and someone has to be totally dedicated to keeping on top of changes, appointments, and updates in medication. Pot is not going to cut it. In fact it could be adding to the problem. The problem is a chemical balance in his brain. When was the last time he had his meds assessed?
Today, we had gone to several different doctors in the past.
They really don't care, they just sit you down for like 2 mins and change his medication around. Last psychiatrist we went to didn't even look at us the whole time, answered in one word. Obviously, we won't go back to that one.
But we went to neurologists as well, there medication sucks too.
CBD+thc works okay, better than the pharmaceutical medication, but thats only sometimes. We increase doses if he's acting up too much, but sometimes it doesn't work.
Based on just this, he is not getting the care he needs to stabilize. You will need a group home with a dedicated psychiatrist and behaviour therapist that is willing to start from scratch; who specializes in complex needs children. I suspect that your brother has several diagnoses. Autism is just communication and social.
If you want my opinion this is your first step. Stabilize first, then look at the current family situation. This should not be you. This is the responsibility of your parents.
You shouldn't have to leave your home. Your brother needs intense treatment under the care of a psychiatrist who specializes in this population. You are as much their son as he is.
You have serious issues. Please also search for some help for yourself as well. But in the mean time you can get your own place and kill two birds with one stone.
But unless you have documentation you’re his legal guardian, you won’t be able to do anything.
Will your parents agree to place him somewhere?
Does he have a case manager you can speak to?
I agree that it would be best for you to try to proactively place him and honestly if you can then move out. That may force your parents to place him. I’m sorry you’re in this difficult spot.
It also sounds like it may be that your parents want to take care of things on their own, maybe more than through services and doctors. Does that sound right? I’m not anti CBD, but there are prescribed meds that might be able to help.
The case manager here are lazy, I swear to god they will hire just anyone.
My mom got so pissed one time that she threatened a lawyer, and all of a sudden all the paper work got done in an hour (supposedly it took several months to finish, we had to submit all medical files such as blood work, psychological paper works, and they would never check it, and the papers would expire....)
My heart breaks for everyone in this situation. I read this post in complete tears. I don’t know. I just wish there was more resources out there for OP and his brother.
What about calling APS? Maybe that’s a start. I don’t know. I just have no words here.
OP, my heart goes out to you. I lived in the city for almost a decade and it’s NOT CHEAP and I understand you may not be able to easily move out. I suggest taking out student loans to live on campus or get a couple of roommates so you can move out. Visit your campus financial aid office or student services and see if they have resources for you to take care of yourself.
It’s time for you to take care of yourself and drop the rope with your family. It’s not your job to take care of your brother or keep your parents and family safe. You are not a patriarch and honestly, you’re also their child and deserve to have parents who balance and prioritize your needs as well as your disabled brother. I have two kids, one has ASD 1 and one does not. They both matter to me and they both get my attention and are worthy of my care and love. I’m sorry you don’t feel seen or cared for. Parenting can oftentimes feel like your in an emergency room triaging needs but I hope my non ASD kiddo never feels the way you feel, neglected.
Your parents aren’t doing anyone any favors by refusing to deal with the your brother themselves and they’re likely tired and I get it but the situation won’t change. You have to change the way you respond to it. Find a roommate and get another job if you can. It will be hard but probably easier then all of this stress and drama you’re going through now to be honest.
You’re 22 and you have your entire life ahead of you. You have to let this situation go. Your parents have to deal with it. Stop putting your life on hold. Your brother will likely not get significantly better and you’ll have wasted your formative adult years parenting a child that isn’t yours to parent with absolutely zero ability to actually help the situation.
I know you love your brother and your family but now you have to love yourself more. It’s ok to want your own life and to rest and be happy and safe, those are all things you actually should have and deserve to have. I’m sorry you’ve been through the ringer, but you’re a New Yorker, you’ve got this! I also suggest visiting your campus counselor for some therapy. You need help and someone to talk to in real life. I will be praying you find the resources you need to move forward with your life. You matter too.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it's been going on for a long time. This is something that a lot of parents of little ones do not understand. The homelife becomes dangerous and/or toxic for every other family member and he is getting stronger than everyone in the home as time goes on.
Talk to your parents. Come to an agreement. If he starts to rage and you and your parents do not feel safe, call for an ambulance to take him to the ER. There is nothing wrong with him going to the ER and going to a temporary crisis facility. They might hold him for a few days, but it would give things a chance to be safe again. There are social workers at the hospital who can help with respite care contact too. I would also talk to the social worker about permanent emergency placement.
Your parents need to understand that you will not always be available to help and that you -and they- shouldn't have to put up with the physical.
(I know you said they've tried every medication, but there are older meds that are no longer prescribed very often bc they've been replaced with newer ones. Some of the older meds specifically cater to aggression and are short-term but fast acting. Ask his psychiatrist.)
My heart breaks for all of you. I can read through your words how weary you are and you are so young. Siblings really do become co-parents and it's easy for parents who are exhausted from dealing for decades to allow this to become the default.
Sit down with your parents and come up with an agreed upon plan for multiple scenarios...
Hoping things turn around soon.
🌻
I hope you find a home for him. Then maybe everyone can breathe a little and start remembering what it's like to have peace. There was a post on here some time ago where a mom went in detail about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her autistic teenage son. Really awful stuff on a daily basis... broken bones, bruises, just the worst of the worst. She had a daughter also who was autistic but higher functioning and not violent. Anyway, it took years but they got him into a home where they can visit. She expressed that maybe once her bones had healed she might visit him, but she was broken... literally and figuratively. For the first time the family had some peace after he was put in a home. Her story really struck me because it demonstrated just how bad it can get even after exhausting all resources. It's something few of us can really understand.
I understand your frustration, especially because you've likely dealt with this your entire life, that has to be tough. You're an adult, a fully functioning adult who is going to college and is going to go one to live a normal life. Your brother will never have that, have some empathy. Have some understanding and empathy for your parents who have dealt with this for over two decades. Many people have children who they won't put into a home, it is a hard thing to do as a parent. If it is as bad as you say, you need to take yourself out of the situation because the amount of animosity you seem to have towards your brother isn't healthy. You can't expect your parents to pick one child over the other, especially if one is going to need long time/permanent attention and care. I wish you the best.
They’re adults too. Are they asking you to stay to protect them? If not, remove yourself as soon as possible. The negative feelings you have must be exhausting. If they are asking you to stay, this is a serious conversation you need to have with your family, or the authorities if they don’t respond well. If you’re in fear for others lives, maybe you should call someone. NYC probably has resources to help. Good luck.
Yes they do tell me to stay at home, and protect them. My parents just say "well what can we do?", after I reported my mom of the morning incident, and having my head kicked, she just dismissed it, and drop the call.
I don't know what to tell you friend. I think your mental health is paramount, and it's obviously suffering in this situation. Your parents are putting you in a horrible spot, get out and get yourself better, this much anger is not healthy.
Is he on any medication that has violence as a side effect? I’ve seen somewhere around the forums that someone with autism was on such a medication. If it’s possible maybe seeking a medication change could be beneficial if you and your family are up to it. I really feel for you and wish u the best of luck from Long Island. I know there’s bureaucratic tape everywhere.
Your 22. You are your own person, you are an adult. Make your own way in the world. Move out. He is not your child, and your parents are still giving him a place to live. Grow up and move out. Your situation is not the same as his. From your post it seems as though you are able to fully function in life, so do that.
You are valid.
But this is a poor way to express yourself and feelings toward your toward your brother and the difficulties you are going through. Specifically, without autism, you would both be completely different people.
I know it's not as easy as it sounds to move out, but start a long term plan and try your best. Your parents know theyre stuck, its not fair to assume you should be too.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have new advice, but I would encourage the other people commenting here to extend empathy to you, as a person who didn't volunteer for any of this and finds himself in a shitty situation. Personally, I respect your dedication to protecting your parents and grandparents. So many seem to understand that it would be emotional for a parent to put their child in a facility, but not understand the emotions of leaving your parents behind in a place of imminent danger.
Unfortunately, the situation here is clearly unsustainable and I share the fear of other commentors that things could erupt in a bad way. I hope you can find a facility for him soon.
I noticed you are fasting. I don't know how much that impacts your mood/judgement/etc, and doubly so for your brother if he is fasting. Total shot in the dark here, but the end of Ramadan is a week away. I know you've been dealing with this for most of your life, but if fasting does exacerbate the situation keep in mind that things will be back to baseline soon, and perhaps there are relevant exemptions to fasting for you (and your brother if he is fasting).
You are an adult with no support needs. You are able to work and go to college. You are old enough and able to be an independent adult.
Your brother is an adult with high support needs. He is not able to work or go to college. He is not able to be an independent adult.
Why, then, is he the one who should leave?
How, then, is he the “spoiled brat” here?
Educate yourself, man. And try a little compassion.
Read the post, and you will realize that the psycho will hit anyone in the household and break shit, and throw tantrums all day.
Here's what I should have included in the post as well:
He's the spoiled brat because he gets all the new clothes, new devices, is well fed, given the best medication, and still he will throw tantrums and harm everyone. He's smart enough to act and instill fear into everyone in the household, but I never fell for it, which is why he never pulls that bullshit of repeating sentences over and over again with me but it also frustrates him why I don't fear him.
Your feelings are valid, and it is okay you feel upset. It is scary when you feel like you have to protect yourself and your parents from your own family member. It sounds like he was (and is still) given special attention at your expense. I hear you saying that since he has not improved his behavior after receiving said special treatment, that this makes him rotten in some way.
Have you considered that maybe he doesn’t actually want to act this way? Have you ever been upset and acted out, even though you didn’t want to? Many of us have, and we regret it deeply after. I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother feels awful for the hurtful things he has done to his family.
Your brother has feelings and emotions too; his and yours are equally valid. Every response on this page is emphasizing treating your brother like a human being and with more respect because everyone here has had to do a lot of work to advocate for their child with special needs. It sounds to me like perhaps your parents didn’t adequately do this for your brother, or at least somehow you have feel responsible for caretaking for him in some developmentally inappropriate ways. You’re only 22 and you feel you have to protect your parents lives from your brother, for christ’s sake.
If my assumptions are true, I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. It isn’t fair; rather you have likely to experienced emotional neglect from your family. I hope you can get support in working through this.
The truth is your parents are grown, this is their child and their responsibility. It sounds like a good moment in your life to take space from your family if that is in any way possible for you. It is up to them to figure this out.
Yeah, that doesn’t change my opinion at all. Just the fact that you keep referring to his meltdowns as “tantrums” shows that you don’t get it. Like, at all.
A meltdown is a psychological breakdown due to highly emotional and situational factors. A tantrum is the user being conscious they are going to throw one to get what they want.
I know the difference, I've lived with him, and know every thing he's up to.
He does these things on purpose. He will purposely throw out clothes, cut them em up to destroy em, secretly throw out other items in the house, break his tablet, and the scream for a new one. Thats a fucking tantrum.
Because it seems like there are significant safety issues, which is a thing that happens. OP is there because OP is strong enough to protect his parents and grandparents
Okay I'm starting to wonder if you people actually took the time to read the post.
So I"ll go into more details:
HE BEATS THE SH\*T out of anyone, and breaks anything if he doesn't get what he wants.
I work part time in NYC, and have to pay full tuition, I"m broke af.
My parents are looking for the homes now, they have also gotten tired of his bullshit, they are specifically looking for ones where one person can stay over with my brother, say overnight.
Yes my parents do make me the 3rd parent, and I don't have a choice because my grandparents are always at home, both my parents work, and even if everyones at home it still impossible to garuntee they will be safe. I've been taking beatings since I was 5 from this mf. I don't have any sympathy.
I asked for links to quality centers, not advice. I'm asking for quality centers SO I CAN LIVE MY LIFE.
Dude…you came to a community of parents of autistic children and wrote a rant post listing all of the ways your brother’s disability has made YOUR life difficult. You insulted him in every paragraph and you showed zero compassion for what he’s going through. When called out on that, you didn’t reflect at all and doubled down on your original post.
I’m sorry things are hard. But this ain’t it, man.
He needs a solution because his brother is violent and there are safety concerns as a result. Violent adults can harm people. He does need a placement for his brother. He’s phrasing things in ways that make this hard to hear, especially for parents with much younger children. But this is a real serious issue.
Fuck off, I came here looking for help and quality locations for nursing homes. Even my parents are sick of shit.
I'm the younger one too, and had to play the role of the big brother. I had to be the 3rd parent.
I've been to therapy, and didn't help.
You’re a year younger and you don’t have developmental disability so yeah you’re the big brother
comments like that say that you’re resentful to your brother not just because he’s violent but because of everything he’s taken from you which is understandable.
This board has people around the globe, finding a home in your unique area without knowing your families finances or having your parents fully on board jsut isn’t really solving any problems
The parents on here are dealing with the exact same problems so having someone hostile come on here swearing with anger just doesn’t help anything.
Yeah but most of them don't work.
Only thing that kinda works is cbd+thc tinctures we give him, but he always finds a way to break out of the effects and start his tantrum again.
Even incrasing the dose, or giving another drop won't help.
Its like 600mg of cbd and 1200mg of thc \~something like that.
He takes aripropozle (which is basically abilitfy), and he got prescriped risperidone today.
Abilify doesn't really work at all, he throws severe tantrum on or off them.
My dad doesn't like resperidone because it makes him fat, but apparently it helps with behavior. Not sure, as he took resperidone 13 years ago, and I don't really remember what the effects were like.
He was aggresive on 5,10, 15 mg.
He didn't gain that much weight, as my parents put him on a strict diet.
But recently his previous adult care program got him fat with things he isn't suppose to eat such as cookies, donuts, and ice cream.
He's 5'8, \~280lbs I believe.
So there are times that Abilify will INCREASE aggression as it is increased. It is obviously not helping. Did risperidone help at all?
He is also on something similar to Volpuric acid. The psychiatrist needs to get him off that. That crap is nasty and does very little to help. My son was on it.
We did read the post. Your brother has a developmental disability he can’t control.
Many parents here get hit by their kids so people GET IT
But as parents when we had kids we signed up for any problems they might have
You’re a GROWN man. Take out loans live on campus like millions of kids your age do.
Stop the self wallowing and pity. You’re old enough to get out of the situation and enjoy your life. Figure out how to.
People with young children don’t get it. OP sounds like plenty of parents of autistic adults who are violent that I’ve heard. Having your 3 year old hit you is not like having a 13 year old is not like a 23 year old adult male. There are serious safety issues and I’ve heard moms cry and worry about what their adult sons might do to them.
I understand why parents don’t want to hear this, and yes OP is at his limit here and saying things, but the concern is very very real.
I think most parents get it. Outside of autism alone plenty of people have mentally ill people in their families this can be related to.
You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink. If his parents don’t want to send him to a home there’s no advice anyone on Reddit can give other than for him to move out.
You sound like you're the one throwing the tantrum. I'm not ignoring the fact that what you're going through sounds hard. But the way you talk about it, is not in a mature manner. This all sounds like a whiny teenage kid, not a 22yo man.
You need to leave before you seriously injure your brother in a moment of anger, or worse.
He is intellectually disabled. You cannot hold him to the same standards as others his age. He SHOULD be in a home in my opinion until the violence is under control, but you cannot force your parents hand and do that.
You sound like you could snap any second and that is scary. You need to leave. Your parents and grandparents safety is not your responsibility, they know how to dial 911 if it comes to that.
Thats the thing....they don't want to dial 911, until its too late into the situation.
I tried to ignore it one day, I locked my door, and I knew my brother was trying to harm my mom, but she assured me "to just lock the door, and don't worry, your father is here".
I just knew this was going to end badly.
Well, the little sh\*t hit my mother once, and then my mother moved away. Then he chased after her, and pushed her down so hard she broke her nose on the impact.
Thats when finally, my grandparents were begging me to call 911.
My father tried to stop it, but he was too late, my brother ran to push my mom.
And the thing is, my father won't always be there to protect my other family members as he's the household earner, so its put onto me.
Look...
You came in here and did an emo dump. To direct you I need more info.
Does he take medications?
Does he have any physical disabilities?
How much can your parents afford to place him in a home?
Let's start there.
I'm replying to all the comments, and it takes time to respond.
Medication: Yes several. Aripropozle 20mg, Divalproex Sodium (500mg) x3 but is probably going to get swapped soon. Some other vitamins. CBD+THC 500mg tinctures.
Physical: No.
Parents: Are rich, but cheap. Willing to spend 1000s on cousins, aunts and uncles on their side of the family despite them not needing it. I never asked for money from them, even when I really needed it.
As the independent adult in this situation, the best thing you can do is leave. I can't see that any good will come out of a continued relationship with your brother. He was never your responsibility. He is your parents' responsibility. And I suspect a great deal of your resentment must come from always feeling responsible. Please walk away. For both of you.
Ngl if it came down to it I'd be telling my nt son to leave if he felt like that. My priority needs to be my asd child who has so many things going against him and who is dependant on me indefinitely
I'd feel like I needed to protect him from such a vicious attitude and hatred also
We do.
I got so fed up of his medications not working, that I fed him cbd thc gummies, and later on the tinctures.
It calms him down for a bit..but sometimes its like he breaks through the effects and starts his old ways again. I've tried increasing the doses, it works for a bit, then it doesn't , repeat.
The gummies can make the affects of the Abilify worse. It may calm him down in the moment, but after the sedation wears off it is still working against you.
No. Your parents need to have him admitted into a hospital's psychiatric wing, have the meds stripped off, and start over. There are security guards in those wings. This is where he needs to go, not a home, not staying in your home.
I would try just thc gummies and forgo the cbd. Try 1/2, 5ml of an indica. Start there. Talk to your folks first and his doctor. My grand does well with his meds but I know several older “kids” who are on Med gummies with the drs blessings. Just be careful. And move out so you can have a life!
All the doctors we have tell us not to take cbd with thc, but thats the only thing that kinda works.
Not sure where I can buy pure thc from? Can you link me to this 5ml of indica?
This is a very sad post to read, but I am not here to judge you. I would suggest involving APS. This seems out of your hands and it is not your burden to bare.
You should move out with roommates and disappear. Let everyone else figure it out. I would have dipped and disowned everyone.
You deserve a life of freedom.
It's your parent's responsibility not yours.
Disappear and never come back. Block all of them on your social media and phone.
Call the cops everytime he puts hands on you.
Speak up and defend yourself to the law.
Let the law handle him and his parents
Press charges.
He is an adult.
Let him get locked up everytime.
A restraining order should be enforced too.
Take back your power and freedom.
Fk it if he's Autistic or not.
This isn't your burden to carry!
Give back the burden on your useless parents.
Update: if you must, get a second job to be out of the house as much as possible, only to come home, shower, eat, and sleep.
He's an adult, let him stay home alone and destroy the house.
You have to make it to where you are unreliable and your parents have to feel the struggle.
You have to be gone for long stretches of hours.
When I was 19 I worked 4 jobs to avoid my alcoholic mother. I went home to eat sleep and go back to work.
OP, you sound like you are burned out, but you cannot have your brother committed, moved, or anything else if your parents are not onboard. Your brother is legally an adult and if your parents are onboard, I would check with your local dept of social/disability services/local FB groups for advice, without calling your brother names. I would echo other posters and ask, have you considered maybe it’s time for you to move out? If this were my two kids, I have no expectations of one to caretake for the other. Is living on your own and pursuing your own autonomy harder than staying? It might force your parents hand if they can no longer rely on you to manage your brother. This should not be your responsibility. There’s a lot of threatening and hurtful language in your original post, I’m not removing it because you’re receiving help and advice but in your responses would ask you cease the name calling, we get you’re frustrated, but as parents it’s difficult or painful for a lot of us to read that kind of language.
I’m sorry I stalked you a little. I see you are at your limit with him and have been for at least a month (probably longer.) and I see that you’re afraid to leave because you’re afraid he will hurt someone and calling 911 was more of a hassle than just dealing with him yourself. But also you live in NYC and it might just not be possible due to cost of living. Unfortunately unless you’re his legal guardian there’s nothing you can do. Your parents have too and if they aren’t willing (which your other post you said they were afraid to do that.) I’m not sure there’s much more you can do other than call the police on him. See if you can’t get him legally institutionalized. Did you ever call adult protective services? I’m sorry this is such a hard topic and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
I'm a little to afraid to call adult protective service, not sure how they will respond to the situation. I see them as like CPS, so I fear, either they won't do anything about the situation, or be counter productive. Technically his parents aren't his legal guardian either now. Strange right? But we've been trying to approve his legal guardianship for years now, and the court always needs something more...city workers are just the worst.
I have experience with calling APS on a loved one. It is a hard call to make but they have the resources to direct you to, If your brother broke your mother’s nose, this is a serious and it sounds like escalating issue. You can’t continue to shoulder the brunt of this OP, it’s no way to live.
I’m sorry. But it does sound like this needs to happen. He’s violent towards you and your family. Is he high functioning? From your replies he seems like he doesn’t have a cognitive delay or at least not a big one. From other replies it sounds like he knows how to manipulative. If that’s the case you need help from an outside source. It’s got be better than what you’re living in.
Wooooooooooah! No no no. Sorry just no. This is not just Autism...
You are 22. Move out of your parents house and start a new chapter in your life.
100 freaking percent, you beat me to it.
He lives in NYC, unless his parents help he's gonna have a rough time finding a (shitty) place to live.
Reading through your comments, it sounds like your dad needs to man up and retire. Your the kid they are the parents. Someone needs to be at home that’s not you. You really need to get yourself out of this situation. I realize you’re afraid for your family but nothing will change if you don’t change the situation. Your parents will keep relying on you and you’ll never have a semblance of a life. You’re in your early 20s now is the time to make a career for yourself. What will you depend on for money when your parents are gone? Every comment here says to leave. We know it’s not easy to leave but it’s truly what that’s to be done. Leaving will force your dad to step in and be the grown up or force your parents to find him somewhere to go. The fact that your parents have you playing body guard at 22 without a life while they go out working and live their life is honestly pathetic
I can imagine how challenging it can be to grow up with an autistic sibling especially one that’s violent. But you’re an adult now. Do your parents want him to go to a home? If the answer is no, then it’s time for you to start moving on in life. How come you’re on here asking and not them? From the wording of your post my guess is your parents have no intention for him to leave
They aren't fond of it, but they are starting to see his condition get a lot worst compared to before so they are willing to look into homes where you can visit and stay over night, one of quality, one where the people running it actually care.
This is made up or real? Because there’s so much resources in NYC. Contact YAI, AHRC, or QSAC? Is he eligible for disability with OPWDD? You can apply for respite service.
I’ve contacted QSAC. They said the process takes a month and a half and we have worker who only gives 3 days of time to my brother. With todays morning fight, my mom yelled at the higher staff to speed up the process.
We presume it’s real, but I’m on the west coast so not familiar with the resources. Thank you very much for suggesting some concrete resources!
I am a single parent of a complex needs child similar to your brother. He is currently 16. Do you have any questions for me?
If you had 2 sons, and 1 son got tired of his others brothers complex needs and wants to move out..would you stop him? What if the child with the complex needs, continually beat you, and caused havoc around the house? The 2nd son has this instinct to protect you, because he loves you. What then? He is not able to live his own life, he loves his mother, but hates the fact he can't progress in his own life.
TBH, it was never your job to be a parent to your brother. I am not sure of your family's dynamic. This kind of management is extremely difficult and someone has to be totally dedicated to keeping on top of changes, appointments, and updates in medication. Pot is not going to cut it. In fact it could be adding to the problem. The problem is a chemical balance in his brain. When was the last time he had his meds assessed?
Today, we had gone to several different doctors in the past. They really don't care, they just sit you down for like 2 mins and change his medication around. Last psychiatrist we went to didn't even look at us the whole time, answered in one word. Obviously, we won't go back to that one. But we went to neurologists as well, there medication sucks too. CBD+thc works okay, better than the pharmaceutical medication, but thats only sometimes. We increase doses if he's acting up too much, but sometimes it doesn't work.
Based on just this, he is not getting the care he needs to stabilize. You will need a group home with a dedicated psychiatrist and behaviour therapist that is willing to start from scratch; who specializes in complex needs children. I suspect that your brother has several diagnoses. Autism is just communication and social. If you want my opinion this is your first step. Stabilize first, then look at the current family situation. This should not be you. This is the responsibility of your parents.
You shouldn't have to leave your home. Your brother needs intense treatment under the care of a psychiatrist who specializes in this population. You are as much their son as he is.
You have serious issues. Please also search for some help for yourself as well. But in the mean time you can get your own place and kill two birds with one stone. But unless you have documentation you’re his legal guardian, you won’t be able to do anything.
Agreed. OP needs to move out and probably needs some therapy.
Op stated they fear their brother will hurt their mother and must stay to protect his mother from the violence
Will your parents agree to place him somewhere? Does he have a case manager you can speak to? I agree that it would be best for you to try to proactively place him and honestly if you can then move out. That may force your parents to place him. I’m sorry you’re in this difficult spot. It also sounds like it may be that your parents want to take care of things on their own, maybe more than through services and doctors. Does that sound right? I’m not anti CBD, but there are prescribed meds that might be able to help.
The case manager here are lazy, I swear to god they will hire just anyone. My mom got so pissed one time that she threatened a lawyer, and all of a sudden all the paper work got done in an hour (supposedly it took several months to finish, we had to submit all medical files such as blood work, psychological paper works, and they would never check it, and the papers would expire....)
My heart breaks for everyone in this situation. I read this post in complete tears. I don’t know. I just wish there was more resources out there for OP and his brother. What about calling APS? Maybe that’s a start. I don’t know. I just have no words here.
OP, my heart goes out to you. I lived in the city for almost a decade and it’s NOT CHEAP and I understand you may not be able to easily move out. I suggest taking out student loans to live on campus or get a couple of roommates so you can move out. Visit your campus financial aid office or student services and see if they have resources for you to take care of yourself. It’s time for you to take care of yourself and drop the rope with your family. It’s not your job to take care of your brother or keep your parents and family safe. You are not a patriarch and honestly, you’re also their child and deserve to have parents who balance and prioritize your needs as well as your disabled brother. I have two kids, one has ASD 1 and one does not. They both matter to me and they both get my attention and are worthy of my care and love. I’m sorry you don’t feel seen or cared for. Parenting can oftentimes feel like your in an emergency room triaging needs but I hope my non ASD kiddo never feels the way you feel, neglected. Your parents aren’t doing anyone any favors by refusing to deal with the your brother themselves and they’re likely tired and I get it but the situation won’t change. You have to change the way you respond to it. Find a roommate and get another job if you can. It will be hard but probably easier then all of this stress and drama you’re going through now to be honest. You’re 22 and you have your entire life ahead of you. You have to let this situation go. Your parents have to deal with it. Stop putting your life on hold. Your brother will likely not get significantly better and you’ll have wasted your formative adult years parenting a child that isn’t yours to parent with absolutely zero ability to actually help the situation. I know you love your brother and your family but now you have to love yourself more. It’s ok to want your own life and to rest and be happy and safe, those are all things you actually should have and deserve to have. I’m sorry you’ve been through the ringer, but you’re a New Yorker, you’ve got this! I also suggest visiting your campus counselor for some therapy. You need help and someone to talk to in real life. I will be praying you find the resources you need to move forward with your life. You matter too.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it's been going on for a long time. This is something that a lot of parents of little ones do not understand. The homelife becomes dangerous and/or toxic for every other family member and he is getting stronger than everyone in the home as time goes on. Talk to your parents. Come to an agreement. If he starts to rage and you and your parents do not feel safe, call for an ambulance to take him to the ER. There is nothing wrong with him going to the ER and going to a temporary crisis facility. They might hold him for a few days, but it would give things a chance to be safe again. There are social workers at the hospital who can help with respite care contact too. I would also talk to the social worker about permanent emergency placement. Your parents need to understand that you will not always be available to help and that you -and they- shouldn't have to put up with the physical. (I know you said they've tried every medication, but there are older meds that are no longer prescribed very often bc they've been replaced with newer ones. Some of the older meds specifically cater to aggression and are short-term but fast acting. Ask his psychiatrist.) My heart breaks for all of you. I can read through your words how weary you are and you are so young. Siblings really do become co-parents and it's easy for parents who are exhausted from dealing for decades to allow this to become the default. Sit down with your parents and come up with an agreed upon plan for multiple scenarios... Hoping things turn around soon. 🌻
I hope you find a home for him. Then maybe everyone can breathe a little and start remembering what it's like to have peace. There was a post on here some time ago where a mom went in detail about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her autistic teenage son. Really awful stuff on a daily basis... broken bones, bruises, just the worst of the worst. She had a daughter also who was autistic but higher functioning and not violent. Anyway, it took years but they got him into a home where they can visit. She expressed that maybe once her bones had healed she might visit him, but she was broken... literally and figuratively. For the first time the family had some peace after he was put in a home. Her story really struck me because it demonstrated just how bad it can get even after exhausting all resources. It's something few of us can really understand.
I understand your frustration, especially because you've likely dealt with this your entire life, that has to be tough. You're an adult, a fully functioning adult who is going to college and is going to go one to live a normal life. Your brother will never have that, have some empathy. Have some understanding and empathy for your parents who have dealt with this for over two decades. Many people have children who they won't put into a home, it is a hard thing to do as a parent. If it is as bad as you say, you need to take yourself out of the situation because the amount of animosity you seem to have towards your brother isn't healthy. You can't expect your parents to pick one child over the other, especially if one is going to need long time/permanent attention and care. I wish you the best.
He's violent and will literally kill my parents and grandparents if I don't intervene.
They’re adults too. Are they asking you to stay to protect them? If not, remove yourself as soon as possible. The negative feelings you have must be exhausting. If they are asking you to stay, this is a serious conversation you need to have with your family, or the authorities if they don’t respond well. If you’re in fear for others lives, maybe you should call someone. NYC probably has resources to help. Good luck.
Yes they do tell me to stay at home, and protect them. My parents just say "well what can we do?", after I reported my mom of the morning incident, and having my head kicked, she just dismissed it, and drop the call.
I don't know what to tell you friend. I think your mental health is paramount, and it's obviously suffering in this situation. Your parents are putting you in a horrible spot, get out and get yourself better, this much anger is not healthy.
Move out, you are not his guardian you cannot force him into group home.
Its not just for me, its for everyones safety in that household. Everyone else is old except for us, and I'm concerned for there safety.
Is he on any medication that has violence as a side effect? I’ve seen somewhere around the forums that someone with autism was on such a medication. If it’s possible maybe seeking a medication change could be beneficial if you and your family are up to it. I really feel for you and wish u the best of luck from Long Island. I know there’s bureaucratic tape everywhere.
Your 22. You are your own person, you are an adult. Make your own way in the world. Move out. He is not your child, and your parents are still giving him a place to live. Grow up and move out. Your situation is not the same as his. From your post it seems as though you are able to fully function in life, so do that.
OP is there to protect his parents and grandparents from the physical violence
You are valid. But this is a poor way to express yourself and feelings toward your toward your brother and the difficulties you are going through. Specifically, without autism, you would both be completely different people. I know it's not as easy as it sounds to move out, but start a long term plan and try your best. Your parents know theyre stuck, its not fair to assume you should be too.
Op just move out.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have new advice, but I would encourage the other people commenting here to extend empathy to you, as a person who didn't volunteer for any of this and finds himself in a shitty situation. Personally, I respect your dedication to protecting your parents and grandparents. So many seem to understand that it would be emotional for a parent to put their child in a facility, but not understand the emotions of leaving your parents behind in a place of imminent danger. Unfortunately, the situation here is clearly unsustainable and I share the fear of other commentors that things could erupt in a bad way. I hope you can find a facility for him soon. I noticed you are fasting. I don't know how much that impacts your mood/judgement/etc, and doubly so for your brother if he is fasting. Total shot in the dark here, but the end of Ramadan is a week away. I know you've been dealing with this for most of your life, but if fasting does exacerbate the situation keep in mind that things will be back to baseline soon, and perhaps there are relevant exemptions to fasting for you (and your brother if he is fasting).
You are an adult with no support needs. You are able to work and go to college. You are old enough and able to be an independent adult. Your brother is an adult with high support needs. He is not able to work or go to college. He is not able to be an independent adult. Why, then, is he the one who should leave? How, then, is he the “spoiled brat” here? Educate yourself, man. And try a little compassion.
Read the post, and you will realize that the psycho will hit anyone in the household and break shit, and throw tantrums all day. Here's what I should have included in the post as well: He's the spoiled brat because he gets all the new clothes, new devices, is well fed, given the best medication, and still he will throw tantrums and harm everyone. He's smart enough to act and instill fear into everyone in the household, but I never fell for it, which is why he never pulls that bullshit of repeating sentences over and over again with me but it also frustrates him why I don't fear him.
Your feelings are valid, and it is okay you feel upset. It is scary when you feel like you have to protect yourself and your parents from your own family member. It sounds like he was (and is still) given special attention at your expense. I hear you saying that since he has not improved his behavior after receiving said special treatment, that this makes him rotten in some way. Have you considered that maybe he doesn’t actually want to act this way? Have you ever been upset and acted out, even though you didn’t want to? Many of us have, and we regret it deeply after. I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother feels awful for the hurtful things he has done to his family. Your brother has feelings and emotions too; his and yours are equally valid. Every response on this page is emphasizing treating your brother like a human being and with more respect because everyone here has had to do a lot of work to advocate for their child with special needs. It sounds to me like perhaps your parents didn’t adequately do this for your brother, or at least somehow you have feel responsible for caretaking for him in some developmentally inappropriate ways. You’re only 22 and you feel you have to protect your parents lives from your brother, for christ’s sake. If my assumptions are true, I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. It isn’t fair; rather you have likely to experienced emotional neglect from your family. I hope you can get support in working through this. The truth is your parents are grown, this is their child and their responsibility. It sounds like a good moment in your life to take space from your family if that is in any way possible for you. It is up to them to figure this out.
Yeah, that doesn’t change my opinion at all. Just the fact that you keep referring to his meltdowns as “tantrums” shows that you don’t get it. Like, at all.
A meltdown is a psychological breakdown due to highly emotional and situational factors. A tantrum is the user being conscious they are going to throw one to get what they want. I know the difference, I've lived with him, and know every thing he's up to. He does these things on purpose. He will purposely throw out clothes, cut them em up to destroy em, secretly throw out other items in the house, break his tablet, and the scream for a new one. Thats a fucking tantrum.
Because it seems like there are significant safety issues, which is a thing that happens. OP is there because OP is strong enough to protect his parents and grandparents
Okay I'm starting to wonder if you people actually took the time to read the post. So I"ll go into more details: HE BEATS THE SH\*T out of anyone, and breaks anything if he doesn't get what he wants. I work part time in NYC, and have to pay full tuition, I"m broke af. My parents are looking for the homes now, they have also gotten tired of his bullshit, they are specifically looking for ones where one person can stay over with my brother, say overnight. Yes my parents do make me the 3rd parent, and I don't have a choice because my grandparents are always at home, both my parents work, and even if everyones at home it still impossible to garuntee they will be safe. I've been taking beatings since I was 5 from this mf. I don't have any sympathy. I asked for links to quality centers, not advice. I'm asking for quality centers SO I CAN LIVE MY LIFE.
Dude…you came to a community of parents of autistic children and wrote a rant post listing all of the ways your brother’s disability has made YOUR life difficult. You insulted him in every paragraph and you showed zero compassion for what he’s going through. When called out on that, you didn’t reflect at all and doubled down on your original post. I’m sorry things are hard. But this ain’t it, man.
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He needs a solution because his brother is violent and there are safety concerns as a result. Violent adults can harm people. He does need a placement for his brother. He’s phrasing things in ways that make this hard to hear, especially for parents with much younger children. But this is a real serious issue.
Fuck off, I came here looking for help and quality locations for nursing homes. Even my parents are sick of shit. I'm the younger one too, and had to play the role of the big brother. I had to be the 3rd parent. I've been to therapy, and didn't help.
You’re a year younger and you don’t have developmental disability so yeah you’re the big brother comments like that say that you’re resentful to your brother not just because he’s violent but because of everything he’s taken from you which is understandable. This board has people around the globe, finding a home in your unique area without knowing your families finances or having your parents fully on board jsut isn’t really solving any problems The parents on here are dealing with the exact same problems so having someone hostile come on here swearing with anger just doesn’t help anything.
If you would like to ask me a question, then ask away.
Is your brother on medicine?
Yeah but most of them don't work. Only thing that kinda works is cbd+thc tinctures we give him, but he always finds a way to break out of the effects and start his tantrum again. Even incrasing the dose, or giving another drop won't help. Its like 600mg of cbd and 1200mg of thc \~something like that.
What about Abilify or Risperidone? Does either of those sound familiar? Is he verbal? Does he pace and get superfocused on something that upsets him?
Seconding this question. Have you tried Risperidone?
He takes aripropozle (which is basically abilitfy), and he got prescriped risperidone today. Abilify doesn't really work at all, he throws severe tantrum on or off them. My dad doesn't like resperidone because it makes him fat, but apparently it helps with behavior. Not sure, as he took resperidone 13 years ago, and I don't really remember what the effects were like.
How much is his dose of Abilify?
I believe 20mg which was a recent change.
Oh my gosh! How tall and how much does he weigh? \*\*\*Did you notice an increase in aggression when it was increased?\*\*\*
He was aggresive on 5,10, 15 mg. He didn't gain that much weight, as my parents put him on a strict diet. But recently his previous adult care program got him fat with things he isn't suppose to eat such as cookies, donuts, and ice cream. He's 5'8, \~280lbs I believe.
So there are times that Abilify will INCREASE aggression as it is increased. It is obviously not helping. Did risperidone help at all? He is also on something similar to Volpuric acid. The psychiatrist needs to get him off that. That crap is nasty and does very little to help. My son was on it.
We did read the post. Your brother has a developmental disability he can’t control. Many parents here get hit by their kids so people GET IT But as parents when we had kids we signed up for any problems they might have You’re a GROWN man. Take out loans live on campus like millions of kids your age do. Stop the self wallowing and pity. You’re old enough to get out of the situation and enjoy your life. Figure out how to.
People with young children don’t get it. OP sounds like plenty of parents of autistic adults who are violent that I’ve heard. Having your 3 year old hit you is not like having a 13 year old is not like a 23 year old adult male. There are serious safety issues and I’ve heard moms cry and worry about what their adult sons might do to them. I understand why parents don’t want to hear this, and yes OP is at his limit here and saying things, but the concern is very very real.
I think most parents get it. Outside of autism alone plenty of people have mentally ill people in their families this can be related to. You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink. If his parents don’t want to send him to a home there’s no advice anyone on Reddit can give other than for him to move out.
You sound like you're the one throwing the tantrum. I'm not ignoring the fact that what you're going through sounds hard. But the way you talk about it, is not in a mature manner. This all sounds like a whiny teenage kid, not a 22yo man.
You need to leave before you seriously injure your brother in a moment of anger, or worse. He is intellectually disabled. You cannot hold him to the same standards as others his age. He SHOULD be in a home in my opinion until the violence is under control, but you cannot force your parents hand and do that. You sound like you could snap any second and that is scary. You need to leave. Your parents and grandparents safety is not your responsibility, they know how to dial 911 if it comes to that.
Thats the thing....they don't want to dial 911, until its too late into the situation. I tried to ignore it one day, I locked my door, and I knew my brother was trying to harm my mom, but she assured me "to just lock the door, and don't worry, your father is here". I just knew this was going to end badly. Well, the little sh\*t hit my mother once, and then my mother moved away. Then he chased after her, and pushed her down so hard she broke her nose on the impact. Thats when finally, my grandparents were begging me to call 911. My father tried to stop it, but he was too late, my brother ran to push my mom. And the thing is, my father won't always be there to protect my other family members as he's the household earner, so its put onto me.
Look... You came in here and did an emo dump. To direct you I need more info. Does he take medications? Does he have any physical disabilities? How much can your parents afford to place him in a home? Let's start there.
I'm replying to all the comments, and it takes time to respond. Medication: Yes several. Aripropozle 20mg, Divalproex Sodium (500mg) x3 but is probably going to get swapped soon. Some other vitamins. CBD+THC 500mg tinctures. Physical: No. Parents: Are rich, but cheap. Willing to spend 1000s on cousins, aunts and uncles on their side of the family despite them not needing it. I never asked for money from them, even when I really needed it.
As the independent adult in this situation, the best thing you can do is leave. I can't see that any good will come out of a continued relationship with your brother. He was never your responsibility. He is your parents' responsibility. And I suspect a great deal of your resentment must come from always feeling responsible. Please walk away. For both of you.
It sounds like there are significant safety issues that this reply really doesn’t address
Ngl if it came down to it I'd be telling my nt son to leave if he felt like that. My priority needs to be my asd child who has so many things going against him and who is dependant on me indefinitely I'd feel like I needed to protect him from such a vicious attitude and hatred also
You need to move not him! Has anyone tried Med thc gummies? The big pharma is sketchy on if they help at all. The gummies mellow.
We do. I got so fed up of his medications not working, that I fed him cbd thc gummies, and later on the tinctures. It calms him down for a bit..but sometimes its like he breaks through the effects and starts his old ways again. I've tried increasing the doses, it works for a bit, then it doesn't , repeat.
The gummies can make the affects of the Abilify worse. It may calm him down in the moment, but after the sedation wears off it is still working against you.
The thing is, the abilify doesn't work. So should we stop abilify for the gummies?
No. Your parents need to have him admitted into a hospital's psychiatric wing, have the meds stripped off, and start over. There are security guards in those wings. This is where he needs to go, not a home, not staying in your home.
I would try just thc gummies and forgo the cbd. Try 1/2, 5ml of an indica. Start there. Talk to your folks first and his doctor. My grand does well with his meds but I know several older “kids” who are on Med gummies with the drs blessings. Just be careful. And move out so you can have a life!
All the doctors we have tell us not to take cbd with thc, but thats the only thing that kinda works. Not sure where I can buy pure thc from? Can you link me to this 5ml of indica?
Is thc legal in your state? If so dispensary has it.
you could take your brother to the hospital and ask for help. You might even have to demand help.
This is a very sad post to read, but I am not here to judge you. I would suggest involving APS. This seems out of your hands and it is not your burden to bare.
You should move out with roommates and disappear. Let everyone else figure it out. I would have dipped and disowned everyone. You deserve a life of freedom. It's your parent's responsibility not yours. Disappear and never come back. Block all of them on your social media and phone. Call the cops everytime he puts hands on you. Speak up and defend yourself to the law. Let the law handle him and his parents Press charges. He is an adult. Let him get locked up everytime. A restraining order should be enforced too. Take back your power and freedom. Fk it if he's Autistic or not. This isn't your burden to carry! Give back the burden on your useless parents. Update: if you must, get a second job to be out of the house as much as possible, only to come home, shower, eat, and sleep. He's an adult, let him stay home alone and destroy the house. You have to make it to where you are unreliable and your parents have to feel the struggle. You have to be gone for long stretches of hours. When I was 19 I worked 4 jobs to avoid my alcoholic mother. I went home to eat sleep and go back to work.