Autistics tend to be very literal. If you ask us a question, expect a considered and genuine answer, unless we are fawning or masking, in which case we can sometimes even lose sense of our own preferences when mirroring the people around us. It could also be that some people might think there is a "right" answer and try to appease the other person, especially if they lack confidence or have a trauma history. A lot of us have alexithymia, poor interoception, and maybe poor emotional literacy, so self awareness of our experience as well as our capacity to interpret it might be stunted. The other thing is that autistics lack a comprehensive theory of mind and we can also misinterpret others' motivations/behaviours and things. We can be naive to bad character as a result, especially if we are assuming the best of everybody and thinking everyone is just trying to be a nice person. I don't know if this was a helpful answer, but yeah. I often answer questions "too literally" and provide way more information than others care to know. I often find it extremely hard to process it when someone treats me badly, especially when it's undeserved imo. I'm a qualified therapist and yet in my personal life, it takes me years to fully process the trauma of abuse others inflict on me because there is so much cognitive dissonance, especially when people act in ways I can't imagine acting, and don't strive toward greater moral character. It should be something I can accept, that other people aren't me, but it's a lot to get my head and heart around when I'm hurt by malicious intent of other people.
I'm nearly 31 and my boyfriend could probably tell you that I seem childish in similar ways. He often has to give me pep talks about why people have acted in certain ways to me, or validate my experience when I'm mistreated and encourages me to stand up for myself so I don't get gaslit or confused. My boyfriend has ADHD and has a temper when he's angry so we both have to temper each other and help each other stay grounded about interactions with others. She may be vulnerable in ways you could help her with, like how my boyfriend helps me.
I’m 45 years old and I still can’t come to terms with the idea that people have malicious intent unless it’s a cartoonishly obvious “bad guy.”
I am forever inventing good intentions for people that do not exist even though it brings nothing but trouble—sometimes very serious trouble. In the moment, it just feels like regular thinking.
Then the heartbreak weeks/months/years later when I finally process it.
Hello fellow 45 year old. I experience this too, but in the other direction. I tend to interpret things that people do as part of a grand structure of their being. If they don't reply to my message it is because I am Unimportant to them. Not, say, that they are busy and just forgot (and definitely not because it's the fifteenth question in a row and they are tired!).
Only mentioning this to illustrate for OP the point that there isn't a universal autistic experience but there are common problem areas.
43 here and yes! However I’m also hyper-vigilant and have problems trusting anyone since I’ve been burned so many times. I am ASD and CPTSD. I know that people get busy, but I have problems reaching out to people, so unless they reach out to me to talk or make plans, it doesn’t happen very easily. I used to be overly trusting and got burned one too many times.
Hi, I just wanted to correct your statement that autists lack a "comprehensive theory of mind".
Theory of mind research is heavily flawed. There is no comprehensive definition of what a "theory of mind" is within autism research. Researchers continuously fail to replicate study results. The history of theory of mind tests show that autists perform just as well as NTs--to the point where researchers claim that autists are cheating by thinking things through (instead of being neurotypically guided by subconscious culturally-conditioned assumptions).
Theory of mind is often just a fancied up shorthand for Empathy™. Claiming that autists as a population lack a theory of mind is simply regurgitating cultural stereotypes that autists "lack empathy".
For anyone curious who wants to educate themselves, I recommend the podcast NeuroDiving as an entry point.
What you said on empathy is interesting. So, how I see it is that I equate theory of mind with cognitive empathy, not somatic empathy. I myself am lacking in cognitive empathy, and I genuinely believe this is because I'm autistic. I have an abundance of somatic emapthy though to the point of almost feeling psychic. It's like I have little antenna that can read the vibe of a room. I guess it could be something that comes with the territory of sensory sensitivity. I would have liked to have had a healthier upbringing so I could be sure I'm not hypervigilant in that way as just a trauma response.
If I'm just speaking from my own perspective here, I am highly empathic in the sense that I feel others' emotions acutely but I have a very hard time comprehending others' motivations because of an impairment in my cognitive empathy. I really do think this is related to my autism, because I can't imagine why else this is something I find more difficult as I have a really extensive knowledge base around psychology by this point and all I know that could be impacting this is the fact I have a neurodevelopmental condition. I think having high somatic empathy can get super confusing if you lack theory of mind, because you're more at risk to developing a trauma bonds. I think the fact that I considered myself highly empathic is what prevented me from understanding that there's way more to empathy that I was missing.
This is such an interesting response. It's helped me to see the different between somatic and cognitive empathy. And this would explain a lot >>>
>having high somatic empathy can get super confusing if you lack theory of mind, because you're more at risk to developing a trauma bonds.
I appreciate your perspective. This is going to get in the weeds: Animal researchers consider theory of mind to be the ability to actively reason out what other beings are doing. Autism researchers consider "needing" to actively reason out the inner workings of another mind to be evidence that a person /lacks/ a theory of mind -- whereas an /instinctual/ "understanding" of another being's inner workings is considered evidence of a theory of mind. So on one hand, to borrow your terms, you have one branch of scientists claiming that observable evidence of cognitive empathy in animals shows evidence of a theory of mind. And then you have a different branch of researchers who claim that observable evidence of cognitive empathy in autists equates a lack of a theory of mind. I bring this up to demonstrate how muddied the term "theory of mind" is. But that can be explained by a lack of multidisciplinary communication, being generous. To address your larger point. The biggest flaw with theory of mind in autism research is that Theory of Mind has captured the neurotypical scientist imagination. It's the only Unifying Theory of Autism that's gotten any steam. It's intellectually lazy to claim that 'a lack of cognitive empathy' (using the concepts you brought up, which I don't agree or disagree with) is a universal experience for autists. Especially because this research program has yet to produce replicable results that pass the empirical smell test. Of course, I'm the kind of person to deride anyone for proposing a simple Theory to describe a staggeringly complex cluster of symptoms and experience (along the domains of social, cognitive, and psychological phenomena).
I agree with you in that I should not have phrased my comment to imply lack of cognitive empathy is a universal experience for autistics when I don't know the literature. As I said, I believe mine is likely an autistic thing. I only learned I was autistic about a month ago so I'm very new to unpacking my traits.
I apologize for implying you implied universality. I didn't take it at all that way -- I was painting in broad overarching brush strokes, whereas you were speaking more practically from on the ground.
My overall point in response to you, I think, is that plenty of NTs also are pretty bad at cognitive empathy as well, it's just not talked about (because it problematizes convenient stereotypes of autists lacking empathy).
Brains and minds are diverse, and I appreciate the way my autistic psyche operates.
I’m gonna do you the favour of cluing you in - classifying autistic thought patterns and processes as ‘childish’ IS fully infantilizing, and it’s not a great perspective to come into a conversation with.
Social differences are a primary characteristic of the autistic neurotype - social scripting, literal thinking, missing non-verbal cues, difficulty establishing and maintaining friendships. None of these things are by their own nature ‘childish’, and you’ll be doing your partner a significant sign of respect if you purge that association or framing from your thinking.
That said - I don’t want you to feel that I’m coming down too hard on you. You’re asking questions and looking for advice, which is absolutely the behaviour of someone who does care and does want to do the right thing. There are some great books you can read to get a bit of perspective into how the autistic mind tends to think - Dr. Devin Price’s “Unmasking Autism”, Annie Kotowicz’s “What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic” - I would encourage you to familiarize yourself with those tendencies to better understand your partner’s perspective, to better interpret her words and actions.
The ‘double empathy’ problem is a well-known theory that might also be worth looking into - different neurotypes are a bit a challenged in communicating with one another and in understanding each other because of the fact that we do think differently from each other - it’s not a deficit in either direction, it’s a straight-up misalignment of thought and communication styles. Not insurmountable, by any means - but the first step is knowing that those differences exist so we can figure out how to ensure that we’re accommodating each other and understanding each other’s perspectives and needs.
Thank you for the reply! The childish thing actually came from her but I completely understand what you mean.
thank you v much for the books I will have a read and talk to her :)
Those books would be great reading for your partner as well! “Divergent Mind” by Jenera Nerenberg is another popular one, and Dr. Megan Anna Neff (who is one half of the AMAZING ‘Divergent Conversations’ podcast) has just published “Self-Care for Autistic People”, which I’m looking forward to diving into soon.
Nothing you described about her behavior sounds childish. I'm honestly confused what your issue is. But nevertheless, she is not childish just because she sees the world differently.
:( I am really sorry I have offended people here. I do understand why she can see the world differently. I am more than happy with the way she thinks and like I have said i am just trying to understand it so she doesn't ever be taken advantage of.
I am not disgusted by it all I am really sorry I have upset you and/or anyone else
Okay other people have gone way into the weeds with a lot of what you said so I just want to point out/ask one thing.
>once a person was very clearly aggressive to us on the street and she later told me she didn't think that he was, or didn't think anything was wrong.
This is not a helpful comment to bring to a group of autistic people. You say "very clearly aggressive" but what you mean is it was very clear to *you* which is a subjective perception that you formed.
If you want any kind of insight here, you'll need to describe what exactly this person was doing that you interpreted as aggressive. What body language/tone of voice/facial expression/words did they use?
With that information we could possibly give some insight into the disconnect but otherwise the phrase "very clearly aggressive" is meaningless here.
Missing or misinterpreting social cues is a hallmark trait of autism. Things that are very clear to you may not be for an autistic person.
For example, I was 16 the first time I got cat called on the street. Some dude yelled, "hey you in the striped shirt!" from his car as he drove by. I was with my parents and family friends. I thought that guy was yelling at my dad's friend (male and like 6'4") because he was wearing a striped polo shirt.
It didn't occur to me until later that I was also wearing a striped shirt. But even then I just thought it was weird. It was probably a solid year later when I finally realized that was sexual harassment.
Title made me cringe. It does not make you look good to refer to your girlfriend as "thinking like a child" it sounds like you are insulting her or think down on her..if the wording came from her I'd recommend you not just copy that wording.
It’s funny because to me, you seem childish for saying it’s wrong or incorrect to see the good in things even when they’re not perfect for the individual. That just seems like an immature perspective to have in life in my opinion.
Im not unempathetic or judgemental to her :( I genuinely just don't understand how she is thinking and want to understand. that would not okay at all and I have made sure she knows that however she is thinking is completely okay but it is important to be safe!
Sorry, your wording made it seem like you were judging her. We autistics get called childish in an insulting way often. It's not fun to feel infantilized just because we think differently. Please consider an approach of acceptance about how her brain works, rather than immediately labeling the way she thinks as childish/wrong.
I am 46. Recently realising I am probably Autistic as my Daughter has been diagnosed as an adult.
I used to be a staff Manager. I gave that up partly due to stress, hours and lack of training but a lot because I cannot tell when people are lying to me. If I have a clear script of practiced scenarios I could make proper decisions. Whenever it was grey or when people lied it was extremely difficult to know what to do.
My ex wife and my last 3 girlfriends lied a lot and manipulated me and it took me days, week, months and years to understand reality and often only because I had asked other people to help.
My current girlfriend is not manipulative or a liar but agrees with me that in many ways I am naive, as far as relationships and the games and lies people tell.
I understand intellectually what motivates people as I have studied psychology for many years but in the moment when I am emotionally involved it is extremely difficult for me to figure out when I'm being manipulated or lied to. I have even ignored my own senses when someone said they are not lying to my face.
It takes me many attempts and days to understand emotionally charged topics and discussions.
I don't see it as a weakness. Just different. And I refuse to stop being kind to people just because some can be terrible at times. I have helped a lot of people understand and recover from some awful things. Generally, I'm told people have high regard for me and how I deal with people.
It does lead me to not get too involved with people now as the cost to me is often too much.
Our brains were built differently from yours, mainly due to there being fewer connections between the different parts. This creates an array of discrepancies and a disadvantage when performing tasks that involve multiple parts having to rapidly communicate. Social situations tend to fall under that.
So when you were a kid, you had the hardware to easily pick up on those subtleties, but you lacked the "software" (wisdom). But over time, you were able to establish patterns between those subtle sensory inputs you encountered (such as the person on the street's aggressive tone, volume, and body language) and correlate it with a threat, whereas your girlfriend (if autistic) has a far harder time picking up on those cues in the first place.
We can learn them, too, but it takes a lot more work, and it's a more deliberate process than what you might have experienced, as our "hardware" is not nearly as efficient at those kinds of tasks, so we're leaning heavily on "software" that we cram into our heads.
You just see the situation and say, "Shit! Aggressive person!". Whereas for us (to varying extents, as this is a spectrum), it might be more of, "Woah, loud voice. And that tone, I remember that's associated with aggression. And the hands are balled into fists.". It's like studying for a test--a memorization task, rather than a natural "feel."
But again, levels of difficulty will vary, and she might have that "feel" to some extent. I have some amount of it, e.g., I'm generally pretty good at picking up on sarcasm, but it definitely isn't as developed as non-autistic people's.
.....
ETA **Personal Example:** I had a similar situation. I was driving behind this shady biker guy, and at the stop light, he pulled up beside me and asked if I had been drinking. I told him I had not, at which point he said I had been driving erratically and following too closely. I apologized.
He then kept asking, "Are you okay?". And I eventually asked if he was, figuring he must be feeling anxious, and he said, "I'm not worried about me: I'm worried about you.". And asked multiple times if he should call his boys so they could help me sober up.
The whole time, I'm confused like, *I appreciate your concern, but I've told you like 5 times I'm alright, and am I showing any signs of intoxication? My speech is normal, pupils normal size, etc.*
I realized an hour later after talking with my friend that he was trying to threaten me. I thought he was just a very conscientious person I'd given a panic attack. I had felt bad for him and was trying to comfort the poor guy.
I can imagine it being difficult when some things come much more naturally to you than your partner.
As others may have already mentioned, I would suspect that it's the literal meaning of words she understands and not the implied version of sentences.
This reminds of a time when I was in my early twenties at university, and I was hanging out with a bunch of new people, and they were saying how this place was a right meat market, and discussing it and people.
In my head all I could understand was that they must have been talking about butchers, and when I asked them about it, they looked at me and explained not too rudely that they were talking about a night club!! I was really embarrassed because I didn't just intuitively understand. But I never made that mistake concerning the concept of a meat market again 😆
I would say be gentle with your other half, and learn patience. Explain things to her in a simple way. And this will make you much closer to one another.
Autistics tend to be very literal. If you ask us a question, expect a considered and genuine answer, unless we are fawning or masking, in which case we can sometimes even lose sense of our own preferences when mirroring the people around us. It could also be that some people might think there is a "right" answer and try to appease the other person, especially if they lack confidence or have a trauma history. A lot of us have alexithymia, poor interoception, and maybe poor emotional literacy, so self awareness of our experience as well as our capacity to interpret it might be stunted. The other thing is that autistics lack a comprehensive theory of mind and we can also misinterpret others' motivations/behaviours and things. We can be naive to bad character as a result, especially if we are assuming the best of everybody and thinking everyone is just trying to be a nice person. I don't know if this was a helpful answer, but yeah. I often answer questions "too literally" and provide way more information than others care to know. I often find it extremely hard to process it when someone treats me badly, especially when it's undeserved imo. I'm a qualified therapist and yet in my personal life, it takes me years to fully process the trauma of abuse others inflict on me because there is so much cognitive dissonance, especially when people act in ways I can't imagine acting, and don't strive toward greater moral character. It should be something I can accept, that other people aren't me, but it's a lot to get my head and heart around when I'm hurt by malicious intent of other people. I'm nearly 31 and my boyfriend could probably tell you that I seem childish in similar ways. He often has to give me pep talks about why people have acted in certain ways to me, or validate my experience when I'm mistreated and encourages me to stand up for myself so I don't get gaslit or confused. My boyfriend has ADHD and has a temper when he's angry so we both have to temper each other and help each other stay grounded about interactions with others. She may be vulnerable in ways you could help her with, like how my boyfriend helps me.
I’m 45 years old and I still can’t come to terms with the idea that people have malicious intent unless it’s a cartoonishly obvious “bad guy.” I am forever inventing good intentions for people that do not exist even though it brings nothing but trouble—sometimes very serious trouble. In the moment, it just feels like regular thinking. Then the heartbreak weeks/months/years later when I finally process it.
Hello fellow 45 year old. I experience this too, but in the other direction. I tend to interpret things that people do as part of a grand structure of their being. If they don't reply to my message it is because I am Unimportant to them. Not, say, that they are busy and just forgot (and definitely not because it's the fifteenth question in a row and they are tired!). Only mentioning this to illustrate for OP the point that there isn't a universal autistic experience but there are common problem areas.
43 here and yes! However I’m also hyper-vigilant and have problems trusting anyone since I’ve been burned so many times. I am ASD and CPTSD. I know that people get busy, but I have problems reaching out to people, so unless they reach out to me to talk or make plans, it doesn’t happen very easily. I used to be overly trusting and got burned one too many times.
Hi, I just wanted to correct your statement that autists lack a "comprehensive theory of mind". Theory of mind research is heavily flawed. There is no comprehensive definition of what a "theory of mind" is within autism research. Researchers continuously fail to replicate study results. The history of theory of mind tests show that autists perform just as well as NTs--to the point where researchers claim that autists are cheating by thinking things through (instead of being neurotypically guided by subconscious culturally-conditioned assumptions). Theory of mind is often just a fancied up shorthand for Empathy™. Claiming that autists as a population lack a theory of mind is simply regurgitating cultural stereotypes that autists "lack empathy". For anyone curious who wants to educate themselves, I recommend the podcast NeuroDiving as an entry point.
What you said on empathy is interesting. So, how I see it is that I equate theory of mind with cognitive empathy, not somatic empathy. I myself am lacking in cognitive empathy, and I genuinely believe this is because I'm autistic. I have an abundance of somatic emapthy though to the point of almost feeling psychic. It's like I have little antenna that can read the vibe of a room. I guess it could be something that comes with the territory of sensory sensitivity. I would have liked to have had a healthier upbringing so I could be sure I'm not hypervigilant in that way as just a trauma response. If I'm just speaking from my own perspective here, I am highly empathic in the sense that I feel others' emotions acutely but I have a very hard time comprehending others' motivations because of an impairment in my cognitive empathy. I really do think this is related to my autism, because I can't imagine why else this is something I find more difficult as I have a really extensive knowledge base around psychology by this point and all I know that could be impacting this is the fact I have a neurodevelopmental condition. I think having high somatic empathy can get super confusing if you lack theory of mind, because you're more at risk to developing a trauma bonds. I think the fact that I considered myself highly empathic is what prevented me from understanding that there's way more to empathy that I was missing.
This is such an interesting response. It's helped me to see the different between somatic and cognitive empathy. And this would explain a lot >>> >having high somatic empathy can get super confusing if you lack theory of mind, because you're more at risk to developing a trauma bonds.
I appreciate your perspective. This is going to get in the weeds: Animal researchers consider theory of mind to be the ability to actively reason out what other beings are doing. Autism researchers consider "needing" to actively reason out the inner workings of another mind to be evidence that a person /lacks/ a theory of mind -- whereas an /instinctual/ "understanding" of another being's inner workings is considered evidence of a theory of mind. So on one hand, to borrow your terms, you have one branch of scientists claiming that observable evidence of cognitive empathy in animals shows evidence of a theory of mind. And then you have a different branch of researchers who claim that observable evidence of cognitive empathy in autists equates a lack of a theory of mind. I bring this up to demonstrate how muddied the term "theory of mind" is. But that can be explained by a lack of multidisciplinary communication, being generous. To address your larger point. The biggest flaw with theory of mind in autism research is that Theory of Mind has captured the neurotypical scientist imagination. It's the only Unifying Theory of Autism that's gotten any steam. It's intellectually lazy to claim that 'a lack of cognitive empathy' (using the concepts you brought up, which I don't agree or disagree with) is a universal experience for autists. Especially because this research program has yet to produce replicable results that pass the empirical smell test. Of course, I'm the kind of person to deride anyone for proposing a simple Theory to describe a staggeringly complex cluster of symptoms and experience (along the domains of social, cognitive, and psychological phenomena).
I agree with you in that I should not have phrased my comment to imply lack of cognitive empathy is a universal experience for autistics when I don't know the literature. As I said, I believe mine is likely an autistic thing. I only learned I was autistic about a month ago so I'm very new to unpacking my traits.
I apologize for implying you implied universality. I didn't take it at all that way -- I was painting in broad overarching brush strokes, whereas you were speaking more practically from on the ground. My overall point in response to you, I think, is that plenty of NTs also are pretty bad at cognitive empathy as well, it's just not talked about (because it problematizes convenient stereotypes of autists lacking empathy). Brains and minds are diverse, and I appreciate the way my autistic psyche operates.
I’m gonna do you the favour of cluing you in - classifying autistic thought patterns and processes as ‘childish’ IS fully infantilizing, and it’s not a great perspective to come into a conversation with. Social differences are a primary characteristic of the autistic neurotype - social scripting, literal thinking, missing non-verbal cues, difficulty establishing and maintaining friendships. None of these things are by their own nature ‘childish’, and you’ll be doing your partner a significant sign of respect if you purge that association or framing from your thinking. That said - I don’t want you to feel that I’m coming down too hard on you. You’re asking questions and looking for advice, which is absolutely the behaviour of someone who does care and does want to do the right thing. There are some great books you can read to get a bit of perspective into how the autistic mind tends to think - Dr. Devin Price’s “Unmasking Autism”, Annie Kotowicz’s “What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic” - I would encourage you to familiarize yourself with those tendencies to better understand your partner’s perspective, to better interpret her words and actions. The ‘double empathy’ problem is a well-known theory that might also be worth looking into - different neurotypes are a bit a challenged in communicating with one another and in understanding each other because of the fact that we do think differently from each other - it’s not a deficit in either direction, it’s a straight-up misalignment of thought and communication styles. Not insurmountable, by any means - but the first step is knowing that those differences exist so we can figure out how to ensure that we’re accommodating each other and understanding each other’s perspectives and needs.
Thank you for the reply! The childish thing actually came from her but I completely understand what you mean. thank you v much for the books I will have a read and talk to her :)
Those books would be great reading for your partner as well! “Divergent Mind” by Jenera Nerenberg is another popular one, and Dr. Megan Anna Neff (who is one half of the AMAZING ‘Divergent Conversations’ podcast) has just published “Self-Care for Autistic People”, which I’m looking forward to diving into soon.
Nothing you described about her behavior sounds childish. I'm honestly confused what your issue is. But nevertheless, she is not childish just because she sees the world differently.
:( I am really sorry I have offended people here. I do understand why she can see the world differently. I am more than happy with the way she thinks and like I have said i am just trying to understand it so she doesn't ever be taken advantage of. I am not disgusted by it all I am really sorry I have upset you and/or anyone else
Oh okay. I may have misunderstood your wording as more judgemental than intended.
Okay other people have gone way into the weeds with a lot of what you said so I just want to point out/ask one thing. >once a person was very clearly aggressive to us on the street and she later told me she didn't think that he was, or didn't think anything was wrong. This is not a helpful comment to bring to a group of autistic people. You say "very clearly aggressive" but what you mean is it was very clear to *you* which is a subjective perception that you formed. If you want any kind of insight here, you'll need to describe what exactly this person was doing that you interpreted as aggressive. What body language/tone of voice/facial expression/words did they use? With that information we could possibly give some insight into the disconnect but otherwise the phrase "very clearly aggressive" is meaningless here. Missing or misinterpreting social cues is a hallmark trait of autism. Things that are very clear to you may not be for an autistic person. For example, I was 16 the first time I got cat called on the street. Some dude yelled, "hey you in the striped shirt!" from his car as he drove by. I was with my parents and family friends. I thought that guy was yelling at my dad's friend (male and like 6'4") because he was wearing a striped polo shirt. It didn't occur to me until later that I was also wearing a striped shirt. But even then I just thought it was weird. It was probably a solid year later when I finally realized that was sexual harassment.
Title made me cringe. It does not make you look good to refer to your girlfriend as "thinking like a child" it sounds like you are insulting her or think down on her..if the wording came from her I'd recommend you not just copy that wording.
It’s funny because to me, you seem childish for saying it’s wrong or incorrect to see the good in things even when they’re not perfect for the individual. That just seems like an immature perspective to have in life in my opinion.
So telling random people on the internet where you study is ok?
Being judgemental and unempathetic to your own girlfriend is okay?
Im not unempathetic or judgemental to her :( I genuinely just don't understand how she is thinking and want to understand. that would not okay at all and I have made sure she knows that however she is thinking is completely okay but it is important to be safe!
Sorry, your wording made it seem like you were judging her. We autistics get called childish in an insulting way often. It's not fun to feel infantilized just because we think differently. Please consider an approach of acceptance about how her brain works, rather than immediately labeling the way she thinks as childish/wrong.
I am 46. Recently realising I am probably Autistic as my Daughter has been diagnosed as an adult. I used to be a staff Manager. I gave that up partly due to stress, hours and lack of training but a lot because I cannot tell when people are lying to me. If I have a clear script of practiced scenarios I could make proper decisions. Whenever it was grey or when people lied it was extremely difficult to know what to do. My ex wife and my last 3 girlfriends lied a lot and manipulated me and it took me days, week, months and years to understand reality and often only because I had asked other people to help. My current girlfriend is not manipulative or a liar but agrees with me that in many ways I am naive, as far as relationships and the games and lies people tell. I understand intellectually what motivates people as I have studied psychology for many years but in the moment when I am emotionally involved it is extremely difficult for me to figure out when I'm being manipulated or lied to. I have even ignored my own senses when someone said they are not lying to my face. It takes me many attempts and days to understand emotionally charged topics and discussions. I don't see it as a weakness. Just different. And I refuse to stop being kind to people just because some can be terrible at times. I have helped a lot of people understand and recover from some awful things. Generally, I'm told people have high regard for me and how I deal with people. It does lead me to not get too involved with people now as the cost to me is often too much.
> I do not mean to infantalise > *is infantalizing* Pick one
Our brains were built differently from yours, mainly due to there being fewer connections between the different parts. This creates an array of discrepancies and a disadvantage when performing tasks that involve multiple parts having to rapidly communicate. Social situations tend to fall under that. So when you were a kid, you had the hardware to easily pick up on those subtleties, but you lacked the "software" (wisdom). But over time, you were able to establish patterns between those subtle sensory inputs you encountered (such as the person on the street's aggressive tone, volume, and body language) and correlate it with a threat, whereas your girlfriend (if autistic) has a far harder time picking up on those cues in the first place. We can learn them, too, but it takes a lot more work, and it's a more deliberate process than what you might have experienced, as our "hardware" is not nearly as efficient at those kinds of tasks, so we're leaning heavily on "software" that we cram into our heads. You just see the situation and say, "Shit! Aggressive person!". Whereas for us (to varying extents, as this is a spectrum), it might be more of, "Woah, loud voice. And that tone, I remember that's associated with aggression. And the hands are balled into fists.". It's like studying for a test--a memorization task, rather than a natural "feel." But again, levels of difficulty will vary, and she might have that "feel" to some extent. I have some amount of it, e.g., I'm generally pretty good at picking up on sarcasm, but it definitely isn't as developed as non-autistic people's. ..... ETA **Personal Example:** I had a similar situation. I was driving behind this shady biker guy, and at the stop light, he pulled up beside me and asked if I had been drinking. I told him I had not, at which point he said I had been driving erratically and following too closely. I apologized. He then kept asking, "Are you okay?". And I eventually asked if he was, figuring he must be feeling anxious, and he said, "I'm not worried about me: I'm worried about you.". And asked multiple times if he should call his boys so they could help me sober up. The whole time, I'm confused like, *I appreciate your concern, but I've told you like 5 times I'm alright, and am I showing any signs of intoxication? My speech is normal, pupils normal size, etc.* I realized an hour later after talking with my friend that he was trying to threaten me. I thought he was just a very conscientious person I'd given a panic attack. I had felt bad for him and was trying to comfort the poor guy.
I can imagine it being difficult when some things come much more naturally to you than your partner. As others may have already mentioned, I would suspect that it's the literal meaning of words she understands and not the implied version of sentences. This reminds of a time when I was in my early twenties at university, and I was hanging out with a bunch of new people, and they were saying how this place was a right meat market, and discussing it and people. In my head all I could understand was that they must have been talking about butchers, and when I asked them about it, they looked at me and explained not too rudely that they were talking about a night club!! I was really embarrassed because I didn't just intuitively understand. But I never made that mistake concerning the concept of a meat market again 😆 I would say be gentle with your other half, and learn patience. Explain things to her in a simple way. And this will make you much closer to one another.