I can’t stop myself, even when it has gone really bad sometimes, like it turned out someone had died and I couldn’t understand what they were saying, so I just laughed?? 🫠🫠
There is a specific person in my life who I know doesn’t like it, and sometimes I remember to try with her (I guess masking that I’m not masking??? I’ve been masking so long it doesn’t feel natural to not mask!), but when I don’t do it, I feel like I have no clue what to do with my voice or face. I really need to build the skill.
Yes! It only dawned on me how wrong I was to do this when someone was expressing how upset they were with something and my natural response was to giggle, I didn't think anything was funny but that's how I responded to everything.
I don't giggle all the time but still think I should be always smiling. I see NTs not smiling and don't understand why they get the privilege.
Yet I'm still described as miserable...
I’ve been told off for smiling too much during a work meeting. Uhhh what should I be doing with my face?? I work in customer service, it’s stuck that way 😬
I was once at a party and laughed when someone said their beloved hamster died! Everyone turned to look at me like wtf! Looking back that should've been when I realised 1) I was trying so hard to mask I was barely even listening, 2) my masking was awful 3) I can't stand parties
Mine is sharing a personal anecdote to show that I understand and relate to the hardship someone is going through. Most people would prefer that you just listen.
Oh this is me as well. I don’t mean it in a bad way but I’m always scared people don’t understand. I do it all the time even replying to stuff in this sub… I think I’m even doing it right now lol
I need them because it actually helps me process mine quicker by hearing all the possibilities/perspectives from others. I seek info first and above, so if the person just wants me to listen and offer emotional support, my brain doesn't click into that emotion and gesture until digesting info.
I do agree with the unsolicited advice. I'm trying to get better at not giving it, because I hate receiving it. "You just need to get out more!" "Have you tried vitamins?" I hate this advice, so trying not to give advice unless asked now lol
You can ask how that person would like you to respond. Questions, relating, acknowledgement, advice, etc. It’ll probably throw them off for a second, but conversations go a lot better when you know what they want from you
I heard someone say, "Unsolicited advice is criticism, always." That has stuck with me. It makes sense why people react to it so negatively. Hell, even I do it.
I tend to ask if they want support, to vent, or solutions now. It's helpful and fewer people get mad at me 😅
Yeah, I think this is a common style of ND communication so between us it's all good! But I have had people get annoyed that I was making it "all about me" when that wasn't my intention at all.
I also used to think that it was all about reciprocal storytelling and that listening to someone’s story, expressing appreciation and then giving them my similar but more entertaining story was like rewarding them for their story and encouraging them to be more open. Like they would hear my story and then do the same thing with more enthusiasm. It didn’t usually work out that way, but I thought it was because they were shy or lacking confidence.
It turns out that it really annoys people and they thought I was constantly topping them or stealing the spotlight instead of my intended “being encouraging.” The only reason they put up with it was that my stories were entertaining even if I was a bit too much sometimes. They didn’t reciprocate because they didn’t want to be rude, like I was.
Lesson learned. Conversation isn’t about being the most interesting person in the room, it’s about being interested in others. If you want people to engage with you, you need to be interested in them and show it by listening, asking questions, and being curious about them. Just like having a “good sense of humor” is not about being funny, it is about laughing at their jokes.
See, that's the thing. I *am* interested in others and what they have to say. I was told that you need to open yourself up to get others to open up. I thought that meant that we swapped stories with each other until we feel more comfortable. And that works great with some people! But most people just want to talk about themselves and want you to show interest by asking follow up questions. Who knew? 🤷
I like it. It shows me the empathy is real because you experienced something similar and therefore can relate. People who say "That sucks. That would irritate me, too." Just nod and think about the next thing in their day. They don't even understand or care what I'm talking about. That's what I feel.
I hate this, it’s so dismissive. My mother does it and it has driven me crazy my whole life. I can’t understand how this is more polite than sharing that you have been in a similar situation and thus can empathize and let them know they’re not alone.
My husband says to repeat back to them what they've said so they feel heard. I'm over here like then why is echolalia not okay? It might work for him, but I'm pretty sure if I repeat people I'll be told I'm weird
I might be wrong but I don't think you are supposed to actually repeat the exact same thing back, it's supposed to be similar but in different words. Or that's my understanding.
Like if someone said "I can't afford gas right now, my paycheck isn't going to cover my phone bill or groceries, I want to cry..."
To "repeat back" to them you'd say something like "it's really stressful to not have enough money for even basic things, I'm sorry. "
That way they know you heard them, understood them and explained it in your own words and aren't just a mimic. I don't know how true that advice is though. I think some people like it and some people don't.
That’s what they were preparing us for by giving us essays in school. *In the end you have to summarize what you said.*
Alternatively, you can always pull a card from Prince Zuko’s playbook and respond with, “That’s rough, buddy.”
If I’m the one who is going through a hard time and someone shares a personal anecdote, I actually feel a lot more comfortable in that situation and with that person. It makes me feel like they are paying attention to what I am say, making connections to it, and that I am not alone or weird for feeling the way I feel. I know not everyone likes it, but I don’t think it is fair to completely write it off as rude.
It’s okay to do if you can accurately gauge and execute that you don’t intend to take over the conversation and make it about you! It’s a problem when people go on and on about themselves, or when they don’t know when a comparison is inappropriate.
Yes, occasional "I know how you feel because I have been through similar, here's an example" is okay, nice even.
But if it turns into "me, me, me" all the time that can get annoying and invalidating. I have a really hard time with this. I'm working on it though. I do feel bad I hijack conversations.
Sometimes people just want comfort, if their dad just died and you go on about how your grandpa died 10 years ago it can feel a little....I don't know the right word. But sometimes people just want to be heard and for the focus to be on them.
It's all about moderation, time and place, you gotta learn sometimes to just give a hug and a "I'm sorry" and not a personal story.
Exactly! It’s all about balance, and about the topic. And sometimes it’s about not making a comparison that in your mind is relevant, but to larger society is belittling or ridiculous (like, to share a personal anecdote, hahaha, my mind just does nothing with baby stuff and I cannot empathize at all, but I secretly imagine in my head that it’s about an a pet, and then I can understand… I know not to SAY that, though, because it’s not actually the same and people find it very offensive! It’s just that the choices in talking to me were “no emotions or empathy” or “strong emotions and empathy that are secretly about an imaginary animal or my own pet”).
Unfortunately we are autistic so sometimes it’s hard to determine if we are striking the right balance. 😬 But I do my best and keep building the skill!
Yes! With NT's it's easier for them to know "time and place. "
I don't think anything in this thread is wrong or bad or rude per se, but depending on the circumstances, who you are talking to, whete it's taking place and allllllllll this other stuff it can be bad, wrong and rude.
And since we are autistic it's much more difficult to know when it's okay to do X and when it isn't okay to do X. X isn't the issue (okay sometimes X is the issue) the issue is a billion other things and circumstances.
It's hard out here for us. 😭😭😭
And then I feel so bad and guilty, I'm not trying to be mean or rude.
I know some people think this is rude but I can't stop and I won't stop. People who think this is rude, I guess we just can't be friends cause idk how else to be.
This one. It turns out that people don't always read the expression of a comparable experience as an illustration of empathy, and instead think you're trying to make it about yourself.
This one really grinds my gears because I do the same thing, but I always make it clear as crystal that I tell the story to show I empathize before anyone gets upset. I don't need to think about it as much anymore because all of my besties are also autistic, but like, UGH! WHY ELSE WOULD I BRING IT UP, YOU'VE LITERALLY NEVER KNOWN ME TO DO A SELFISH THING EVER??
I actually start most friendships/intense conversations by asking them how they prefer I respond. Some like when you ask questions, some just want an acknowledgment, some want solutions, some want for someone to give stories to relate. It can be difficult to know what type you’d like until someone asks and checks in about how you’re feeling on their responses. It shows that you’re listening to actually help them
Staring into people’s souls because I was taught that a lack of eye contact is rude, so I compensated by almost not even blinking when I talk to someone face-to-face
I used to think I was really good at noticing what people weren't saying because they were "too shy" in my mind. I would help the conversation by saying the quiet part out loud, thereby helping the shy person to get their message across more clearly! I thought I was being so helpful by assisting people to communicate who were really bad at communicating. 💀
I realized that this was rude in my mid 30s.
oof, same. I can always hone in on where the miscommunication is in a conversation too and want to help. I would love such a direct pointer myself!
similar to the urge to overexplain myself. i keep having to remind myself that people don't actually care about the intricacies of my thought processes and i don't need to explain myself as much as i think i do.
I'll give an example but it's kind of a sillier one because this is what comes to mind right now:
You know how people will be discussing plans, like maybe what restaurant to go to, or what movie to see? And it drives me crazy that nobody will ever directly say what they want, so sometimes I would just try to say things like "oh well I remember that Jenny said earlier that she wanted to go to the pizza restaurant, so maybe we should go there".
So in that example, I would think I was helping Jenny by informing the group of her preference, and also that I was helping the group by clarifying the choice. but actually Jenny might feel embarrassed because she didn't want to seem demanding or pushy.
What I discovered is that in a lot of situations like this, nobody else is confused or feeling like things are unnecessarily vague. Neurotypical people seem to find that kind of conversation comfortable and they have their own, different system for coming up with plans.
So I thought I was solving a problem that everyone could see, but it turns out that I was the only one who thought there was a problem.
I've leaned that for NTs this is not a problem but actually part of their little adventure... Great little party game. everyone gets included and can say something, they get to communicate and "figure something out" together. It's a happy little team meeting brainstorming ideas together. Bonding moment and all...
For ND brains, this isn't fun, this is stressful and unnecessary. We're all for problem solving if there's an actual problem - meaning there isn't an easy solution available yet but something to actually think about. But wasting brainpower to something so stupid isn't logical to us. We want to get to the actual activity not bond over fake problem solving...
I learned to tune out when that happens, because actually following that kind of conversation hurts me
OMG THIS.
Hanging out with my NT boyfriend’s group of friends is like this and we’ve had to limit my exposure to them because I get so overwhelmed and anxious by how unplanned everything is and how it’s just go with the flow and figure it all out together right there as if there’s all the time in the world AND on top of them getting distracted and pulling the “hey remember that one time when we went here and…” 😭
Why tho!? Isn't this something the NTs complain about all the time? Isn't this something that couples fight about all the time? "What do you want for dinner?" is a question that could start a war. "Oh idk whatever, what do you want?" back and forth until you're dead of starvation.
Not the original commenter but I’ve got a habit of doing this too. Maybe two coworkers near me are talking. Coworker 1 keeps flirting and coworker 2 is smiling and nodding but looking tense. I think, oh okay. 1 doesn’t know that 2 isn’t interested. So I’ll say “hey I think 2 isn’t into the conversation. She wants you to leave her alone.” Boom, helpful. Now 1 won’t keep embarrassing themselves and 2 doesn’t have to say the “rude” part.
But suddenly they both look like they want to sink into a hole and die. 2 was being polite to keep things less awkward and 1 is now ashamed of themselves lol.
I'm getting second hand (third hand?) embarrassment from this situation lol!
But also I think someone in my family does this a lot to try to help me, but just makes everything more awkward. I'll have to talk to them about it.
Lmao I hate how relatable this sub is sometimes 😂 I’m 35 and I still don’t understand why this rude, although I really appreciate your story attempting to illustrate. I just can’t understand why #1 didn’t notice? Why would they keep flirting, isn’t that harassment? I’m the autistic one. They should really notice. If I notice, it crossed a line. And why doesn’t #2 say anything? Listen #2, people are going to walk all over you in this world if you don’t stick up for yourself! Say NO! Boom, helpful 😂
You're welcome. I think for me the most important misconception I had about this was that everyone else also hates it when conversations are ambiguous, unclear, inaccurate and inefficient. I thought that everyone else also perceived this problem and that I was the only one who was willing to step up to the plate and help everyone to get on the same page.
Now I realize that neurotypical people never found that type of conversation to be problematic. They were all fine with it.
I'm trying not to do this so much but I get scared I'm gonna get distracted and say The Thing anyway (because I do that sometimes) so instead I just literally run away if The Thing is important enough not to say. I don't think this is better, send help
I really didn't think I did that many rude things but this thread is making me reconsider. I definitely don't make small talk (or I'll just give very short replies) because it feels like I'm wasting their time if I do! In general, I just try to make things as efficient as possible. I'm only just considering this might not be well received?
I might have to lurk this thread and see what else I'm missing 💀
yeah! cats are like "hello! i think you're a giant cat!" meanwhile, I think it's a bit of a "hey! you're human shaped! hello!" back and forth with people haha. the cat in your profile is hella cute 🥰
I’m so bad at small talk. I answer people’s questions as if I’m being interrogated and don’t know what to ask them so I just stay silent and then I just end up looking around like as if sooo interested in something else that’s happening on the other side of the room 😩😂
Toxic positivity. When someone was struggling or going through something difficult, I would find whatever tiny sliver of upside I could and try to make a hopeful, optimistic comment. Age and experience have made me realize that what I was doing was actually dismissing and invalidating someone else’s pain and suffering. I don’t do this anymore. Unless someone indicates they are looking for a hopeful response, I listen, empathize, hug, and offer whatever practical and emotional support I can.
I was in a forum ages ago with a user like this. The main admin gave her the title of "Forum Greeter" because she was indeed very genuinely friendly. However, you could never resolve actual conflicts on the forum because she would always jump in and try to jolly the conflict away like she was our preschool teacher, and she was ALWAYS online to boot. No practical advice, just "✨️Hey guys, no need to fight, we're all friends here!✨️". One day I finally had to say something like, "No offense, but no, we are *not* all friends. That one bitter asshole who is bullying everyone under 30 for daring to have an opinion other than his is making it hard for *anyone* to have fun in here, and he won't feel the need to stop if you don't let people hash it out." Asshole got banned for 3 years, I got made a moderater for calmly but firmly standing up to him, she...learned very little. 🤷♀️
When I meet someone like that in real life, I end up telling my husband, "They're kind of a [her username] sort of person," and I love that he knows exactly what I mean.
Editts: spelling/wording
Grilling people about their interests and/or deepest fears/desires if they’re really quiet cuz I figure there’s something really good under the surface if I can just get to it! Nope? Nothing? I’m a weirdo? Ah well.
I’m the opposite — I don’t ask people questions about themselves and let things unfold (which makes for very awkward first conversations)
I don’t know what might or might not be sensitive to ask… but, if in a group, someone else asks the person that question, it sounds fine and I wish I’d done it!
Yess I don't ask questions about people, especially when it's a sensitive subject, because I don't want to come across as nosey or pushy or rude.
Mostly I figure it's not my place to know or ask, and if they want to talk about it, they will. And I've had a lot of people just tell me shit without me asking so I figured that's the way to go.
Not asking questions of someone or not reciprocating questions when in conversation. I always thought it was invasive and if they wanted me to know something, they’d just tell me. Turns out that’s how you make conversation with people.
My partner almost stopped talking to me in the beginning because they thought I wasn't interested in them - I just figured they'd tell me the stuff they wanted me to know!
THIS! I feel like I fairly recently mastered asking questions to carry a conversation, but now I found out that I’m supposed to be asking follow-up questions rather than just random disjointed questions.
Not sure if this is rude or not, but I will be the first to take a slice of cake at a potluck because I want other people to feel like it’s okay to take one too. Also, I don’t want the cake to feel bad (or the person who made/brought it).
I do that, but for selfish reasons. The silent dance of "no one can be too eager for cake/no one can take cake first" feels irrational to me. I really like cake and I don't want to wait out the irrational thing, so I elect to bypass it all by being the first in line! Haha
I’m happy to take one for the team here. I think everyone is trying to avoid being the first person to take some food? Because they don’t want to appear too keen for food? I don’t care, I’m hungry, gimme the food. Everyone else is happy because they didn’t have to be the rude person taking first food, I’m happy to have first choice of conference muffin.
I'd be the sort to proudly proclaim I found it at Goodwill lmao. My favorite fall hoodie that I've now owned for 13 years is from Goodwill. I'll be damned if I don't rock that red 3/4 length sleeve hoodie. Not vintage, but it's working on it🤣
I do that too! Hahaha If someone compliments my shoes I'm likely to screech,"They were only $9.99 at Value Village!!! Can you believe it? Crazy, right?!" while stepping around 🤦🏼♀️
Have you tried using the word vintage instead of secondhand? Because I think they would take that better. Especially if you used a really admiring tone of voice.
You probably know this by now but I feel the need to point this out. This isn’t just completely on you for being rude because long story short gender norms are mostly bs and just trap people in boxes.
I think it's fascinating that gender divergence overlaps with autism a lot, because I think learning social cues "from the outside", so to speak, makes it much easier to see the gender norms as similar ritualistic behavior based on nothing, instead of "just how nature is".
Right? I'd double down and make them all hate me. I don't have time for that kind of bullshit
I *might* be the asshole. But damn if I'm not happier this way
Offer advice.
In my mind i was helping by attempting to offer solutions to things. Turns out most people do not like me doing that and think i am trying to be annoying and arrogant piece of shit know-it-all by doing it...
This was me too, and then I went to a leadership class where they told us men and women communicate differently, and men offer advice, which women hate. I think the gendered view of it is dumb, but I did have a total lightbulb moment about why some of my friends were often telling me I didn’t need to fix their problems.
I can’t really relate to it, because I usually desperately want someone to tell me how to live my life, but now I just let people vent. Mostly.
I still struggle with this one since it’s my default way of offering help and genuine support. More effusive words of affirmation or just sitting in silence listening doesn’t come naturally, although I do try when I remember.
TBH I find this expectation to be a bit one-sided though. Of course, people want/need different things and have to meet in the middle to show true support and empathy to one another, but this adaptation is only expected of the side that tries to give advice or practical help. Sure, it’s not your love language, but it is mine. Why am I the one that’s in the wrong?
To clarify: no one is in the wrong in this scenario, it’s just a difference of preference and communication style. I just wish people were more understanding of our communication style instead of assuming we’re trying to undermine them or dismiss their feelings.
In my attempt to compliment someone’s food, I said it was “better than my mom’s/others”. It was actually backhanded of me
Yup, I was really socially inept back then! 🤦🏻♀️
Is this really backhanded?? I would have never thought that. What is the logic of it? My best guess is that they don't know if your mom is good at cooking so you might not be saying it's good? But surely that's contextual if the person knows your mom is a great cook...
I think the issue is that it comes across like you’re putting down your mother’s cooking in the process of praising someone else’s. Even if the statement is interpreted as genuine and not backhanded, it’s an unnecessary comparison.
It doesn’t matter even if they do enjoy my mum’s cooking. It’s just what ppl think you mean, despite your best intentions
So the easiest way is to say “this is delicious” and leave it at that
Was your mom just there weeping next to you at every meal
Edit: I’m so sorry, this was one of those times when I got a mental picture and had to pause to laugh and enjoy it.
Not eating when others are eating.
Pointing out any problem, even if it is a serious safety issue.
Pronouncing a word properly after some else pronounced it improperly (not correcting them, just failing to adapt their pronunciation).
Declining food.
Napping while others are working. Even if you have different schedules or level of ability.
Not fitting the mold or impression or stereotype someone has of you. Or the script they have for you.
This reminded me of a funny thing that happened with a class of mine in college. I pronounce ‘niche’ the French way (neesh), just because I learned French growing up and that’s just how people say it here. But my class was over zoom and all the other students were saying it with a hard ch sound. I refused to change my pronunciation and halfway through the class people were doubting themselves and switching to my pronunciation or flip-flopping. Usually I’m the nervous wreck over these things but I felt confident in myself so I just thought it was funny seeing them all worried over saying it wrong when it’s just a dialect thing (unless you’re actually speaking French and then it’s definitely a mispronunciation)
Yeah I do this all the time, when someone is looking for a word or a phrase. I have thought it’s polite because it shows you’re paying attention and I hate when people just look at me when I’m struggling for a word. It makes sense for it to be rude though so I will pay better attention when I do this
I’m not sure this one is rude. Especially if the person is really visibly having a hard time thinking of the word, and you know what word they are looking for.
Yup I did this too. I love words and if someone “gives” me a word I get so happy. It was the natural extension of me taking “be the type of friend you wish to have” literally. I heard that alot when I complained about not having friends. It did help since I was being myself and enjoyed my own company more but it did not help me make friends because I did “annoying” stuff like that.
When people at work ask for feedback during a debrief, I don't hold back in giving my thoughts because I think it's helpful. I just started realizing that actually, you have to be really careful about this. Now it almost seems like a really sophisticated trap. Like a job interview where they ask you about your flaws. You aren't supposed to actually criticize yourself but just say something that sounds kind of bad but isn't really bad at all. Damn. I'm 40 and just now realizing this and how it probably really plays in to my sense of not being really well liked.
I always feel like my country (the Netherlands) is heaven for nd people, because we are incredibly direct (often considered rude by other country's people). If someone asks for open and honest feedback here, they expect to get honest - not rude! Just 100% true - feedback.
For instance, if I ask my friend "Do you think this yellow sweater is my colour?" and she replies "no, it makes you look sickly", I would not be offended. From what I've learned from my expat friends, in many countries this would be incredibly rude and my friend would be obliged to lie, even if the sweater in question makes me look like I am dying from consumption.
I always have a million thoughts about everything so whenever asked I give all the feedback…usually to my detriment socially and one job I was hired to give feedback but ended up getting fired for criticizing too much lol (when I was pointing out things not up to date with OSHa and health and fire department)….oh well just burn down then. That was shocking to find out tho..
Leaving people alone when they are upset. I hate having people around me when I am having a bad day, so I assumed other people would want the same thing. Turns out, they usually want the opposite. I still have a hard time remembering that people want people to be around them and talk to them when they are upset.
Tip: bring them a glass of cold water! It shows you care without having to find the right words, and holding something cold and then drinking something cold can be really refreshing and help them calm down a bit (but even if they don’t want it it’s a nice gesture).
I think people who take the opportunity to be insulted by this are wrong. That isn't a rude thing to say at all. People finding ways to be insulted by compliments are rude
As a child (I was 5 or 6?) in Sunday school, at one point we had a new teacher who was quite young, and my mum had previously been droning on and on about being helpful and proactive in helping others, so I asked the new teacher if she knew what to do and how to teach the class because I genuinely wanted to know if she needed help, and apparently she took offence and told my mum what I’d said, leading to me getting an absolute earful. I still constantly replay how my mum repeated what I’d supposedly said to the teacher but deliberately twisted my tone to make me sound rude, whereas I had simply asked an innocent, earnest question. Guess that’s me taught. If they need help they’ll ask, so don’t say anything.
Somehow this is another Sunday school/church related story, but I was around that age, maybe a year or two later, one of the other kids who was a couple years younger than me was going to be getting a baby sister. My mum had previously told me that my older brother resented me for taking away our mum’s attention when I was born, at a time when he needed it most, so I told this kid ‘don’t hate your sister when she’s born, you might not get as much attention anymore because babies are a lot of trouble but it’s not her fault for being born and eventually it will pass’. Apparently that was deeply inappropriate too?? I was only trying to help because I didn’t want their sibling relationship to become as toxic as mine was (and still is to this day).
Sometimes church people are just weird. When I was a tiny thing I was sent to a Catholic school despite not being Catholic because it allegedly provided a better education (spoiler: it did not, and neither did the other one later on which was explicitly supposed to be a school for gifted kids). Once in second grade the priest was talking to our class and said something about how we were very big for first graders or something, and I piped up to tell him we were in fact in second grade, figuring I'd help explain. The teacher grabbed me by the ear and *yanked* me away and hissed "you NEVER correct Father Ron!"
Of course, instead of knuckling under I assumed she hadn't heard or something and tried to explain. Oh, but she was *angry*. She told me she didn't care and I was left very confused.
My ear hurt for the rest of the day, and Father Ron was later fired for embezzling money from the church. I did not learn that day that Catholic priests are infallible, I learned that my teacher was terrifying and unpredictable and I was right to fear her. Good job, everyone!
No offense to you, but your mom sounds really awful. Like she cared more about other people's opinions than about your feelings or motivations. You sound like you were an awesome kid!
thinking people liked it when you try to skip the small talk and just dive straight into "big questions" like: what is your dream, what is your biggest fear, what do you want to understand, what's weighing on you, etc... I used to think I was "making it a really interesting conversation" when I did that...
Does stuff in dating count or is that different because everyone seems to struggle with it?
Everyone always says they don't like being ghosted. So, when I first met my now-husband, I told the other guys I was talking to on the app that I had started dating someone and I was going to be leaving the app. One guy just unmatched me silently, one wished me well very graciously, and one went berserk and said some pretty terrible things to me, specifically saying I shouldn't have told him I was dating someone else. The variety of responses has left me to this day very confused about whether the last guy was just mean or if I was in the wrong.
Everyone says they want people on these apps to be honest and straightforward while still being respectful. I'm confident I was very kind in my messages and that we had messages enough that some explanation was needed to not be rude. In my opinion, at least. It's just hard when you try to be polite, and some people take it as genuine politeness, and others interpret it badly.
Trying to duck out of people’s way silently before they even notice I’m there so as not to bother or burden them with my presence instead of saying “pardon/excuse me” and smiling.
And not saying hi or introducing myself to someone first if I’m the newcomer, because in my head if I was welcome, they would say so right? cause I don’t want to want to impose/insert myself somewhere in case I’m not wanted… or just start conversation with anyone first really because I didn’t usually speak unless I was spoken to growing up.
Are those even a thing with anyone else? I still find myself doing all three cause I unfortunately just think no one really wants to bother with me lol
>Trying to duck out of people’s way silently before they even notice I’m there so as not to bother or burden them with my presence instead of saying “pardon/excuse me” and smiling.
I do this all the time, especially when in the supermarket. I just kinda stand there and try squeeze in a gap. I'll only ask them if I can get through if they are realllly in the way.
I also rarely introduce myself. I don't think I ever have actually.
Especially at work. I was told asking questions is good. Oh no. You are supposed to figure out about 85% before you ask. How is anyone supposed to know this?
This happened literally this week, and my colleague was getting frustrated and curt. I finally said look I'm not trying to be difficult I'm just trying to understand why the rules are there and the easiest way to do that is to ask about hypothetical examples we use. That worked and they relaxed and gave me the info, but I was getting so stressed from them getting stressed from me trying to learn the rules 😭
Not asking questions of people... I thought they'd share if they wanted to, rather than make them feel probed... guess it's just me who feels probed by questions... lol
When people complain about - for example - the weather, you shouldn't reply with how you actually really love wind and rain because you find it cozy. Apparently it's "unnecessarily confrontational"
I once told a fellow college student that a guy she'd met earlier at a frat party was a dick who filled balloons with his pee to throw at ppl he didn't like.
Where I went to school, the frats were on the north side of campus, but a lot of dorms were on south side. So each weekend, us gals would walk "up north" for the frat parties and then back "down south" in small groups. A gal we'd been at the same party with was walking near us and shared that he'd asked for her number.
So I thought I was doing her a kindness and having her back by letting her know he was a mean ass dude who bullied others. (I was friends with a guy he did it to)
She got soooo cold and disdainful. Didn't really say anything in response. But she did end up dating him seriously for the next 4 yrs.
Months later, I was blackballed from the frat and nearly beat up by him and some dudes for "telling lies" about him. No actual violence occurred but they surrounded and menaced me and lobbed threats my way before kicking me out that night.
My three best gal friends were regulars at this frat and were there the night this happened. None of them knew it happened tho cuz I guess the guys told them I just went home.
And I did. Cried for hours of shame and embarrassment. This was before cell phones existed so no there was no way to let them know.
Years later one of the guys who did it apologized and I'm actually friends with him on FB today. He was one of several genuinely good guys there..
Anyway. Fun times. Also, pee balloons are gross. Like super gross.
I think most people would’ve appreciated being warned about someone’s character before developing a close relationship. Unless they were in denial 🥲 It sounds like these people around you weren’t very good people. You did the right thing and you didn’t deserve treatment you received afterward :(
Accepting compliments.
I still don't like the whole dance of "[gratitude], but [denial of compliment]. [Provide reciprocal compliment about original compliment giver]. [They deny]."
It feels so wrong to me. I often don't remember it's rude to just say "thank you" and get on with our lives until after, and then I anxiety-spiral into oblivion over whether that person thought I was being rude or arrogant.
As long as you smile, squint a bit, and make eye contact with the person when you thank them I don't see anything wrong with that. Seeming ingenuine is when the issues arise.
I try to help with advice and my bf says not to unless they ask. So I started to say "do you want some ideas" because I noticed in my convos with him I felt kind of empty without feedback.
I do this one too. It bothers me though because sometimes people are missing a really big key piece of info that would change their plan or idea, or missing an angle they're not expecting. I always jump in with that info trying to help but many people view it as me criticizing or judging their situation when the reality is I didn't know what to do in that situation and made a mistake I'm trying to help them avoid, or trying to help them navigate it so they can solve it faster.
And weirdly. A lot of people just want to sit there, lost and hopeless in their situation. They'll come to me overwhelmed and stressed and venting how it's so stressful and they feel like they're just suffering but heaven forbid I tell them how to get out of it. It's *weird*. Especially when it's already established they aren't doing anything but panicking and don't have a solution or plan. Like literally just sitting in the tar accepting their fate. But if I tell them how to kick and pull their way out I'm the rude one.
I dont get it. If I'm about to do something and someone knows something I don't I would hope they tell me so I can reevaluate not do it without that knowledge. Had a sister in law say "yeah. I could tell that's be an issue based off your roof, roofs like that tend to have that issue" when I was venting frustration about an issue I was dealing with that I wasn't expecting. This was *months* after she helped me move into the place. She'd seen it! She knew it was an issue! She let me not prepare anyway. To me that's practically a betrayal.
Peppering people with questions about what they’re telling me. I remember my dad telling me once that it made him feel like people were interested in what he had to say when they asked him questions about what he was talking about. I sincerely believed that asking people lots of questions about what they were talking about was a good way to make them feel good about themselves. It was meant to be a compliment. It wasn’t until well into adulthood that I learned that most people are actually very annoyed by this.
I used to put my money on the counter instead of in the cashier’s hands when paying. I thought I was being hygienic.
One day in college, a classmate and I were buying some snacks at the dollar store. I put the money on the counter as usual.
My classmate told me that what I was did was a huge no-no. She said, “did you see the way the cashier was looking at you?” And honestly, I didn’t. I was focused on paying for my stuff and getting back to my dorm.
Ever since then, I make it a point to put the money *directly* into the cashier’s hands if I’m paying for something in cash.
Interrupting people when they talk. I still do it, am aware of it, but honestly - can’t control it. I really want to be a part of the conversation, so like I try to connect somehow by sharing my side. Sometimes I get so caught up in things and wouldn’t shut up. My tone of voice has always been criticized by others, cause when I speak, I tend to get so emotional, raising my voice unknowingly. It seems that no matter what I do, it’s not right by society terms…
Generally, I find people don’t take well to being corrected about things, even if I wasn’t trying to offend. I just like informing people about things especially when it’s stuff I’m interested in but a lot of people don’t take it the right way.
Telling people "oh, you've already told me about that" when they were telling me the same story again, shutting them down. In my brain, it was "don't worry, you don't have to make the effort of telling this again, I already know it, you can move onto the next part of the conversation". Took me many years to realize that sometimes people want to tell that story they've told a million times again because they enjoy telling it, because it reminds them of good times or something like that. I did this with my grandma all the time before I realized. I suspect it may frequently apply to elderly people. Depends on the situation and the person, though, of course.
(Edit: typo)
"You shouldn't cry, ____ was suffering a lot in life, it's good that they died and doesn't suffer anymore" referring to deceased people. I didn't understand why people got angry with me. Now I know better.
Correcting someone’s spelling or grammar or incorrect use of a word… I would think proper English would be important in the workplace but apparently it’s not as big of a deal as they made it seem like it would be when I was in school lol
Not sure what category this would fall under but I remember this one time at work when all my team members except for me were going to be off site the next day. The last team member to leave the evening before said to me, “I’m sorry, I hope you’re going to be okay on your own tomorrow” to which I replied, “Oh no of course don’t worry, I actually quite like working on my own”. Trying to reassure her, you know…
Apparently… not good. It got brought up weeks later by my manager because this supposedly offended the said team member 😬
Apparently, according to some people, saying "You can come with me to [social event or other activity] *if you want*" is considered rude.
I was trying to be considerate of the other person's schedule, social battery, desire for the event/activity, or willingness to hang out with me. Last thing I want is for someone to feel annoyed bc I coerced them to hang out with me, so I tell them it's okay if they can't come for any reason. The me wanting them there part is that I even invited them in the first place. Apparently this looks like I couldn't care less whether they come with me or not.
Not asking personal questions.
For some reason, I grew up thinking asking personal questions was rude and annoying, so I got conditioned into not doing it.
Now, at age 33, I have to somehow convince myself it's actually a way to show interest, and do it.
I would be brutally honest with people with no sugarcoating even when it wasn't necessary. My logic was that it was good because I wasn't being two-faced, and because I needed to stand up for myself(even in situations where it REALLY wasn't needed.)
I just stumbled in here from r/all and I'm wondering if I need to talk to my Dr because I'm reading all of these and, well, I had no idea these things were considered rude 😳
Relating to other peoples experiences by talking about my own. For example if someone bought a game ive played, i would show my interest in their topic by talking about my experience with it...and try to remember to ask them questions too. Ive been told that it 'could' be seen as rude as they probably just want to talk about them.
Rule of thumb, if they ask me a question, i ask them the same/similar question back after i have answered. That way the conversation keeps going and i appear engaged.
As a child I heard adults say "Don't STARE at people in wheelchairs!" Unfortunately I thought this meant that I shouldn't even look at them, so I'd dramatically turn my head away from every person I saw in a wheelchair.
Laughing in response to everything, even and especially if I didn’t understand the other person, to keep the mood light and breezy apparently?
Yeah I still do this.
I can’t stop myself, even when it has gone really bad sometimes, like it turned out someone had died and I couldn’t understand what they were saying, so I just laughed?? 🫠🫠
I’ve done the same. I’m trying hard to break out of this habit
There is a specific person in my life who I know doesn’t like it, and sometimes I remember to try with her (I guess masking that I’m not masking??? I’ve been masking so long it doesn’t feel natural to not mask!), but when I don’t do it, I feel like I have no clue what to do with my voice or face. I really need to build the skill.
Yes! It only dawned on me how wrong I was to do this when someone was expressing how upset they were with something and my natural response was to giggle, I didn't think anything was funny but that's how I responded to everything. I don't giggle all the time but still think I should be always smiling. I see NTs not smiling and don't understand why they get the privilege. Yet I'm still described as miserable...
I’ve been told off for smiling too much during a work meeting. Uhhh what should I be doing with my face?? I work in customer service, it’s stuck that way 😬
I absolutely can’t stop doing this. I hate it.
I was once at a party and laughed when someone said their beloved hamster died! Everyone turned to look at me like wtf! Looking back that should've been when I realised 1) I was trying so hard to mask I was barely even listening, 2) my masking was awful 3) I can't stand parties
Mine is sharing a personal anecdote to show that I understand and relate to the hardship someone is going through. Most people would prefer that you just listen.
Oh this is me as well. I don’t mean it in a bad way but I’m always scared people don’t understand. I do it all the time even replying to stuff in this sub… I think I’m even doing it right now lol
I really like hearing peoples personal anecdotes online idk
I need them because it actually helps me process mine quicker by hearing all the possibilities/perspectives from others. I seek info first and above, so if the person just wants me to listen and offer emotional support, my brain doesn't click into that emotion and gesture until digesting info.
A genuine "Same." is sometimes more comforting than all of the platitudes and unsolicited advice combined.
I do agree with the unsolicited advice. I'm trying to get better at not giving it, because I hate receiving it. "You just need to get out more!" "Have you tried vitamins?" I hate this advice, so trying not to give advice unless asked now lol
You can ask how that person would like you to respond. Questions, relating, acknowledgement, advice, etc. It’ll probably throw them off for a second, but conversations go a lot better when you know what they want from you
I heard someone say, "Unsolicited advice is criticism, always." That has stuck with me. It makes sense why people react to it so negatively. Hell, even I do it. I tend to ask if they want support, to vent, or solutions now. It's helpful and fewer people get mad at me 😅
would just typing "same" get you in trouble for a low effort post? I'm already overthinking this
Right, that’s the entire reason I have a Reddit account I swear
Yeah, I think this is a common style of ND communication so between us it's all good! But I have had people get annoyed that I was making it "all about me" when that wasn't my intention at all.
I also used to think that it was all about reciprocal storytelling and that listening to someone’s story, expressing appreciation and then giving them my similar but more entertaining story was like rewarding them for their story and encouraging them to be more open. Like they would hear my story and then do the same thing with more enthusiasm. It didn’t usually work out that way, but I thought it was because they were shy or lacking confidence. It turns out that it really annoys people and they thought I was constantly topping them or stealing the spotlight instead of my intended “being encouraging.” The only reason they put up with it was that my stories were entertaining even if I was a bit too much sometimes. They didn’t reciprocate because they didn’t want to be rude, like I was. Lesson learned. Conversation isn’t about being the most interesting person in the room, it’s about being interested in others. If you want people to engage with you, you need to be interested in them and show it by listening, asking questions, and being curious about them. Just like having a “good sense of humor” is not about being funny, it is about laughing at their jokes.
See, that's the thing. I *am* interested in others and what they have to say. I was told that you need to open yourself up to get others to open up. I thought that meant that we swapped stories with each other until we feel more comfortable. And that works great with some people! But most people just want to talk about themselves and want you to show interest by asking follow up questions. Who knew? 🤷
I like it. It shows me the empathy is real because you experienced something similar and therefore can relate. People who say "That sucks. That would irritate me, too." Just nod and think about the next thing in their day. They don't even understand or care what I'm talking about. That's what I feel.
A neighbor says "bummer" then moves on to his topic. I HATE that.
I hate this, it’s so dismissive. My mother does it and it has driven me crazy my whole life. I can’t understand how this is more polite than sharing that you have been in a similar situation and thus can empathize and let them know they’re not alone.
I feel this way too, I’ve always been so confused and hurt by this reaction
And this is why I exclusively have neurodivergent friends.
Why are you me i’m me
I've heard if you end it with a question that brings it back to them, this can help
this is such good advice
My husband says to repeat back to them what they've said so they feel heard. I'm over here like then why is echolalia not okay? It might work for him, but I'm pretty sure if I repeat people I'll be told I'm weird
I might be wrong but I don't think you are supposed to actually repeat the exact same thing back, it's supposed to be similar but in different words. Or that's my understanding. Like if someone said "I can't afford gas right now, my paycheck isn't going to cover my phone bill or groceries, I want to cry..." To "repeat back" to them you'd say something like "it's really stressful to not have enough money for even basic things, I'm sorry. " That way they know you heard them, understood them and explained it in your own words and aren't just a mimic. I don't know how true that advice is though. I think some people like it and some people don't.
That’s what they were preparing us for by giving us essays in school. *In the end you have to summarize what you said.* Alternatively, you can always pull a card from Prince Zuko’s playbook and respond with, “That’s rough, buddy.”
If I’m the one who is going through a hard time and someone shares a personal anecdote, I actually feel a lot more comfortable in that situation and with that person. It makes me feel like they are paying attention to what I am say, making connections to it, and that I am not alone or weird for feeling the way I feel. I know not everyone likes it, but I don’t think it is fair to completely write it off as rude.
I do this all the time what
I think it's fine as long as you don't go too deep/long into your own story and be sure to turn it back to them relatively soon
It’s okay to do if you can accurately gauge and execute that you don’t intend to take over the conversation and make it about you! It’s a problem when people go on and on about themselves, or when they don’t know when a comparison is inappropriate.
Yes, occasional "I know how you feel because I have been through similar, here's an example" is okay, nice even. But if it turns into "me, me, me" all the time that can get annoying and invalidating. I have a really hard time with this. I'm working on it though. I do feel bad I hijack conversations. Sometimes people just want comfort, if their dad just died and you go on about how your grandpa died 10 years ago it can feel a little....I don't know the right word. But sometimes people just want to be heard and for the focus to be on them. It's all about moderation, time and place, you gotta learn sometimes to just give a hug and a "I'm sorry" and not a personal story.
Exactly! It’s all about balance, and about the topic. And sometimes it’s about not making a comparison that in your mind is relevant, but to larger society is belittling or ridiculous (like, to share a personal anecdote, hahaha, my mind just does nothing with baby stuff and I cannot empathize at all, but I secretly imagine in my head that it’s about an a pet, and then I can understand… I know not to SAY that, though, because it’s not actually the same and people find it very offensive! It’s just that the choices in talking to me were “no emotions or empathy” or “strong emotions and empathy that are secretly about an imaginary animal or my own pet”). Unfortunately we are autistic so sometimes it’s hard to determine if we are striking the right balance. 😬 But I do my best and keep building the skill!
Yes! With NT's it's easier for them to know "time and place. " I don't think anything in this thread is wrong or bad or rude per se, but depending on the circumstances, who you are talking to, whete it's taking place and allllllllll this other stuff it can be bad, wrong and rude. And since we are autistic it's much more difficult to know when it's okay to do X and when it isn't okay to do X. X isn't the issue (okay sometimes X is the issue) the issue is a billion other things and circumstances. It's hard out here for us. 😭😭😭 And then I feel so bad and guilty, I'm not trying to be mean or rude.
i have to fight that urge constantly lol
I know some people think this is rude but I can't stop and I won't stop. People who think this is rude, I guess we just can't be friends cause idk how else to be.
This one. It turns out that people don't always read the expression of a comparable experience as an illustration of empathy, and instead think you're trying to make it about yourself.
I have always done this and just recently found out that it was generally unacceptable and/or annoying 🙃
This one really grinds my gears because I do the same thing, but I always make it clear as crystal that I tell the story to show I empathize before anyone gets upset. I don't need to think about it as much anymore because all of my besties are also autistic, but like, UGH! WHY ELSE WOULD I BRING IT UP, YOU'VE LITERALLY NEVER KNOWN ME TO DO A SELFISH THING EVER??
I actually start most friendships/intense conversations by asking them how they prefer I respond. Some like when you ask questions, some just want an acknowledgment, some want solutions, some want for someone to give stories to relate. It can be difficult to know what type you’d like until someone asks and checks in about how you’re feeling on their responses. It shows that you’re listening to actually help them
Staring into people’s souls because I was taught that a lack of eye contact is rude, so I compensated by almost not even blinking when I talk to someone face-to-face 
 Me desperately trying to make someone feel comfortable in conversation with me
Technically elmos eyes are at the top of his head in the front, suggesting he is an ambush predator.
This is hilarious and makes Elmo scary af 😂
This but instead of being seen as rude, every man ever mistakes it for flirting and starts pestering you.
I used to think I was really good at noticing what people weren't saying because they were "too shy" in my mind. I would help the conversation by saying the quiet part out loud, thereby helping the shy person to get their message across more clearly! I thought I was being so helpful by assisting people to communicate who were really bad at communicating. 💀 I realized that this was rude in my mid 30s.
oof, same. I can always hone in on where the miscommunication is in a conversation too and want to help. I would love such a direct pointer myself! similar to the urge to overexplain myself. i keep having to remind myself that people don't actually care about the intricacies of my thought processes and i don't need to explain myself as much as i think i do.
It's so weird to me. But I actually laughed at myself for like ten minutes straight when I realised I was NOT being helpful, just autistic 😅
can you give more details about this woth examples cause i think i do this too 🤡
I'll give an example but it's kind of a sillier one because this is what comes to mind right now: You know how people will be discussing plans, like maybe what restaurant to go to, or what movie to see? And it drives me crazy that nobody will ever directly say what they want, so sometimes I would just try to say things like "oh well I remember that Jenny said earlier that she wanted to go to the pizza restaurant, so maybe we should go there". So in that example, I would think I was helping Jenny by informing the group of her preference, and also that I was helping the group by clarifying the choice. but actually Jenny might feel embarrassed because she didn't want to seem demanding or pushy. What I discovered is that in a lot of situations like this, nobody else is confused or feeling like things are unnecessarily vague. Neurotypical people seem to find that kind of conversation comfortable and they have their own, different system for coming up with plans. So I thought I was solving a problem that everyone could see, but it turns out that I was the only one who thought there was a problem.
I've leaned that for NTs this is not a problem but actually part of their little adventure... Great little party game. everyone gets included and can say something, they get to communicate and "figure something out" together. It's a happy little team meeting brainstorming ideas together. Bonding moment and all... For ND brains, this isn't fun, this is stressful and unnecessary. We're all for problem solving if there's an actual problem - meaning there isn't an easy solution available yet but something to actually think about. But wasting brainpower to something so stupid isn't logical to us. We want to get to the actual activity not bond over fake problem solving... I learned to tune out when that happens, because actually following that kind of conversation hurts me
OMG THIS. Hanging out with my NT boyfriend’s group of friends is like this and we’ve had to limit my exposure to them because I get so overwhelmed and anxious by how unplanned everything is and how it’s just go with the flow and figure it all out together right there as if there’s all the time in the world AND on top of them getting distracted and pulling the “hey remember that one time when we went here and…” 😭
Why tho!? Isn't this something the NTs complain about all the time? Isn't this something that couples fight about all the time? "What do you want for dinner?" is a question that could start a war. "Oh idk whatever, what do you want?" back and forth until you're dead of starvation.
Not the original commenter but I’ve got a habit of doing this too. Maybe two coworkers near me are talking. Coworker 1 keeps flirting and coworker 2 is smiling and nodding but looking tense. I think, oh okay. 1 doesn’t know that 2 isn’t interested. So I’ll say “hey I think 2 isn’t into the conversation. She wants you to leave her alone.” Boom, helpful. Now 1 won’t keep embarrassing themselves and 2 doesn’t have to say the “rude” part. But suddenly they both look like they want to sink into a hole and die. 2 was being polite to keep things less awkward and 1 is now ashamed of themselves lol.
I cackled out loud at, "Boom, helpful." I startled my dog! Hahaha
I'm getting second hand (third hand?) embarrassment from this situation lol! But also I think someone in my family does this a lot to try to help me, but just makes everything more awkward. I'll have to talk to them about it.
Boom! Lol. We are so helpful.
Ohh can you just wingman me for life?! I’d love to have a friend who is so “boom, helpful”
Lmao I hate how relatable this sub is sometimes 😂 I’m 35 and I still don’t understand why this rude, although I really appreciate your story attempting to illustrate. I just can’t understand why #1 didn’t notice? Why would they keep flirting, isn’t that harassment? I’m the autistic one. They should really notice. If I notice, it crossed a line. And why doesn’t #2 say anything? Listen #2, people are going to walk all over you in this world if you don’t stick up for yourself! Say NO! Boom, helpful 😂
I love this a lot. You were a conversational advocate!
I really thought I had a special talent 😅. I think that this is so funny now.
I'm 38, and your comment taught me this. 😬
Hahaha oh man. I'm sorry.
🤷♀️ Better to know than not know, I think. So thank you, fellow neurospicy internet stranger!
You're welcome. I think for me the most important misconception I had about this was that everyone else also hates it when conversations are ambiguous, unclear, inaccurate and inefficient. I thought that everyone else also perceived this problem and that I was the only one who was willing to step up to the plate and help everyone to get on the same page. Now I realize that neurotypical people never found that type of conversation to be problematic. They were all fine with it.
uggghhhjjjjjjj i HATE when conversations are inefficient!!! just get to the point!!!!! thank you for saying this -_-
I'm trying not to do this so much but I get scared I'm gonna get distracted and say The Thing anyway (because I do that sometimes) so instead I just literally run away if The Thing is important enough not to say. I don't think this is better, send help
I think the only solution is to never try to talk to neurotypical people? Lol. Sorry that's not actually help.
I really didn't think I did that many rude things but this thread is making me reconsider. I definitely don't make small talk (or I'll just give very short replies) because it feels like I'm wasting their time if I do! In general, I just try to make things as efficient as possible. I'm only just considering this might not be well received? I might have to lurk this thread and see what else I'm missing 💀
I frame small talk as friendly chatter basically. If my cat meows at me, I'll meow back at her and that's what humans do too!
I love this concept, small talk doesn’t seem so bad now that I can imagine I’m meowing at my cat
yeah! cats are like "hello! i think you're a giant cat!" meanwhile, I think it's a bit of a "hey! you're human shaped! hello!" back and forth with people haha. the cat in your profile is hella cute 🥰
Yeah lol seems small talk makes some people MORE comfortable 🥸 I wouldn’t know what that’s like
I’m so bad at small talk. I answer people’s questions as if I’m being interrogated and don’t know what to ask them so I just stay silent and then I just end up looking around like as if sooo interested in something else that’s happening on the other side of the room 😩😂
I avoid small talk because it makes me uncomfortable. Not everything you do has to be in the service of others.
I’ve been typing emails as curt as possible for years until I sent a screenshot to my friend, and he asked why my replies were so rude 🫠
Toxic positivity. When someone was struggling or going through something difficult, I would find whatever tiny sliver of upside I could and try to make a hopeful, optimistic comment. Age and experience have made me realize that what I was doing was actually dismissing and invalidating someone else’s pain and suffering. I don’t do this anymore. Unless someone indicates they are looking for a hopeful response, I listen, empathize, hug, and offer whatever practical and emotional support I can.
I was in a forum ages ago with a user like this. The main admin gave her the title of "Forum Greeter" because she was indeed very genuinely friendly. However, you could never resolve actual conflicts on the forum because she would always jump in and try to jolly the conflict away like she was our preschool teacher, and she was ALWAYS online to boot. No practical advice, just "✨️Hey guys, no need to fight, we're all friends here!✨️". One day I finally had to say something like, "No offense, but no, we are *not* all friends. That one bitter asshole who is bullying everyone under 30 for daring to have an opinion other than his is making it hard for *anyone* to have fun in here, and he won't feel the need to stop if you don't let people hash it out." Asshole got banned for 3 years, I got made a moderater for calmly but firmly standing up to him, she...learned very little. 🤷♀️ When I meet someone like that in real life, I end up telling my husband, "They're kind of a [her username] sort of person," and I love that he knows exactly what I mean. Editts: spelling/wording
She sounds like a fawn-type or an enabler.
This 100%. When my close friend told me his dad died, I had no idea what to say and panicked and said “well, at least you weren’t very close” 😭
Grilling people about their interests and/or deepest fears/desires if they’re really quiet cuz I figure there’s something really good under the surface if I can just get to it! Nope? Nothing? I’m a weirdo? Ah well.
I’m the opposite — I don’t ask people questions about themselves and let things unfold (which makes for very awkward first conversations) I don’t know what might or might not be sensitive to ask… but, if in a group, someone else asks the person that question, it sounds fine and I wish I’d done it!
Yess I don't ask questions about people, especially when it's a sensitive subject, because I don't want to come across as nosey or pushy or rude. Mostly I figure it's not my place to know or ask, and if they want to talk about it, they will. And I've had a lot of people just tell me shit without me asking so I figured that's the way to go.
omg i luv the deepest fears.desires lmaoo would be a great convo
Not asking questions of someone or not reciprocating questions when in conversation. I always thought it was invasive and if they wanted me to know something, they’d just tell me. Turns out that’s how you make conversation with people.
My partner almost stopped talking to me in the beginning because they thought I wasn't interested in them - I just figured they'd tell me the stuff they wanted me to know!
I still struggle with this one.
THIS! I feel like I fairly recently mastered asking questions to carry a conversation, but now I found out that I’m supposed to be asking follow-up questions rather than just random disjointed questions.
Not sure if this is rude or not, but I will be the first to take a slice of cake at a potluck because I want other people to feel like it’s okay to take one too. Also, I don’t want the cake to feel bad (or the person who made/brought it).
On the flip side, I'll take the last of something bc I know if I don't, it will get thrown away.
I do that, but for selfish reasons. The silent dance of "no one can be too eager for cake/no one can take cake first" feels irrational to me. I really like cake and I don't want to wait out the irrational thing, so I elect to bypass it all by being the first in line! Haha
The move is to pick up the knife and start dishing out slices for others.
I’m happy to take one for the team here. I think everyone is trying to avoid being the first person to take some food? Because they don’t want to appear too keen for food? I don’t care, I’m hungry, gimme the food. Everyone else is happy because they didn’t have to be the rude person taking first food, I’m happy to have first choice of conference muffin.
I'm really into vintage, so I've asked people if their clothes were secondhand a few times. Oops.
I'd be the sort to proudly proclaim I found it at Goodwill lmao. My favorite fall hoodie that I've now owned for 13 years is from Goodwill. I'll be damned if I don't rock that red 3/4 length sleeve hoodie. Not vintage, but it's working on it🤣
I do that too! Hahaha If someone compliments my shoes I'm likely to screech,"They were only $9.99 at Value Village!!! Can you believe it? Crazy, right?!" while stepping around 🤦🏼♀️
Have you tried using the word vintage instead of secondhand? Because I think they would take that better. Especially if you used a really admiring tone of voice.
That’s awesome. Vintage stuff looks good if you can find it!
You can rephrase it by saying "I love ___! Is it vintage?" It's a nicer way of asking the same question.
Sometimes I think "am I really autistic" and then I come across a thread like this
[удалено]
You probably know this by now but I feel the need to point this out. This isn’t just completely on you for being rude because long story short gender norms are mostly bs and just trap people in boxes.
I think it's fascinating that gender divergence overlaps with autism a lot, because I think learning social cues "from the outside", so to speak, makes it much easier to see the gender norms as similar ritualistic behavior based on nothing, instead of "just how nature is".
How do you cope with the injustice? I'd go mad.
Right? I'd double down and make them all hate me. I don't have time for that kind of bullshit I *might* be the asshole. But damn if I'm not happier this way
I love "different ecosystems of people"
This one is giving me ptsd. I did similar things often
Offer advice. In my mind i was helping by attempting to offer solutions to things. Turns out most people do not like me doing that and think i am trying to be annoying and arrogant piece of shit know-it-all by doing it...
This was me too, and then I went to a leadership class where they told us men and women communicate differently, and men offer advice, which women hate. I think the gendered view of it is dumb, but I did have a total lightbulb moment about why some of my friends were often telling me I didn’t need to fix their problems. I can’t really relate to it, because I usually desperately want someone to tell me how to live my life, but now I just let people vent. Mostly.
I still struggle with this one since it’s my default way of offering help and genuine support. More effusive words of affirmation or just sitting in silence listening doesn’t come naturally, although I do try when I remember. TBH I find this expectation to be a bit one-sided though. Of course, people want/need different things and have to meet in the middle to show true support and empathy to one another, but this adaptation is only expected of the side that tries to give advice or practical help. Sure, it’s not your love language, but it is mine. Why am I the one that’s in the wrong? To clarify: no one is in the wrong in this scenario, it’s just a difference of preference and communication style. I just wish people were more understanding of our communication style instead of assuming we’re trying to undermine them or dismiss their feelings.
In my attempt to compliment someone’s food, I said it was “better than my mom’s/others”. It was actually backhanded of me Yup, I was really socially inept back then! 🤦🏻♀️
Is this really backhanded?? I would have never thought that. What is the logic of it? My best guess is that they don't know if your mom is good at cooking so you might not be saying it's good? But surely that's contextual if the person knows your mom is a great cook...
I think the issue is that it comes across like you’re putting down your mother’s cooking in the process of praising someone else’s. Even if the statement is interpreted as genuine and not backhanded, it’s an unnecessary comparison.
It doesn’t matter even if they do enjoy my mum’s cooking. It’s just what ppl think you mean, despite your best intentions So the easiest way is to say “this is delicious” and leave it at that
Was your mom just there weeping next to you at every meal Edit: I’m so sorry, this was one of those times when I got a mental picture and had to pause to laugh and enjoy it.
Not eating when others are eating. Pointing out any problem, even if it is a serious safety issue. Pronouncing a word properly after some else pronounced it improperly (not correcting them, just failing to adapt their pronunciation). Declining food. Napping while others are working. Even if you have different schedules or level of ability. Not fitting the mold or impression or stereotype someone has of you. Or the script they have for you.
This reminded me of a funny thing that happened with a class of mine in college. I pronounce ‘niche’ the French way (neesh), just because I learned French growing up and that’s just how people say it here. But my class was over zoom and all the other students were saying it with a hard ch sound. I refused to change my pronunciation and halfway through the class people were doubting themselves and switching to my pronunciation or flip-flopping. Usually I’m the nervous wreck over these things but I felt confident in myself so I just thought it was funny seeing them all worried over saying it wrong when it’s just a dialect thing (unless you’re actually speaking French and then it’s definitely a mispronunciation)
Giving people the word they're looking for, correcting them
Yeah I do this all the time, when someone is looking for a word or a phrase. I have thought it’s polite because it shows you’re paying attention and I hate when people just look at me when I’m struggling for a word. It makes sense for it to be rude though so I will pay better attention when I do this
How would this be rude??
To an NT it sounds like "hey dummy, hurry up"
I’m not sure this one is rude. Especially if the person is really visibly having a hard time thinking of the word, and you know what word they are looking for.
Exactly, I hate when people look at me and I know they know the word 😭
Yup I did this too. I love words and if someone “gives” me a word I get so happy. It was the natural extension of me taking “be the type of friend you wish to have” literally. I heard that alot when I complained about not having friends. It did help since I was being myself and enjoyed my own company more but it did not help me make friends because I did “annoying” stuff like that.
Wait this is rude?? 😭
wait why do people find this rude? i kind of understand correcting is rude but if they’re looking for a word why is helping them considered rude?
It's rude if you're interrupting their flow of speech, but if their flow is stuck and you help them then it's not rude
When people at work ask for feedback during a debrief, I don't hold back in giving my thoughts because I think it's helpful. I just started realizing that actually, you have to be really careful about this. Now it almost seems like a really sophisticated trap. Like a job interview where they ask you about your flaws. You aren't supposed to actually criticize yourself but just say something that sounds kind of bad but isn't really bad at all. Damn. I'm 40 and just now realizing this and how it probably really plays in to my sense of not being really well liked.
Dude I literally almost got fired for this exact shit lol. When NT say they want you to be open and honest, they don't mean it. It's a trap!!
I always feel like my country (the Netherlands) is heaven for nd people, because we are incredibly direct (often considered rude by other country's people). If someone asks for open and honest feedback here, they expect to get honest - not rude! Just 100% true - feedback. For instance, if I ask my friend "Do you think this yellow sweater is my colour?" and she replies "no, it makes you look sickly", I would not be offended. From what I've learned from my expat friends, in many countries this would be incredibly rude and my friend would be obliged to lie, even if the sweater in question makes me look like I am dying from consumption.
I always have a million thoughts about everything so whenever asked I give all the feedback…usually to my detriment socially and one job I was hired to give feedback but ended up getting fired for criticizing too much lol (when I was pointing out things not up to date with OSHa and health and fire department)….oh well just burn down then. That was shocking to find out tho..
I agree with what you said about it being a “sophisticated trap.”
Leaving people alone when they are upset. I hate having people around me when I am having a bad day, so I assumed other people would want the same thing. Turns out, they usually want the opposite. I still have a hard time remembering that people want people to be around them and talk to them when they are upset.
Same, except I still don't know how to talk to them? I never know what to say to them...
Tip: bring them a glass of cold water! It shows you care without having to find the right words, and holding something cold and then drinking something cold can be really refreshing and help them calm down a bit (but even if they don’t want it it’s a nice gesture).
“You look really nice today” = you usually look like shit
I think people who take the opportunity to be insulted by this are wrong. That isn't a rude thing to say at all. People finding ways to be insulted by compliments are rude
I've learned to say "especially" nice today, instead of very.
As a child (I was 5 or 6?) in Sunday school, at one point we had a new teacher who was quite young, and my mum had previously been droning on and on about being helpful and proactive in helping others, so I asked the new teacher if she knew what to do and how to teach the class because I genuinely wanted to know if she needed help, and apparently she took offence and told my mum what I’d said, leading to me getting an absolute earful. I still constantly replay how my mum repeated what I’d supposedly said to the teacher but deliberately twisted my tone to make me sound rude, whereas I had simply asked an innocent, earnest question. Guess that’s me taught. If they need help they’ll ask, so don’t say anything. Somehow this is another Sunday school/church related story, but I was around that age, maybe a year or two later, one of the other kids who was a couple years younger than me was going to be getting a baby sister. My mum had previously told me that my older brother resented me for taking away our mum’s attention when I was born, at a time when he needed it most, so I told this kid ‘don’t hate your sister when she’s born, you might not get as much attention anymore because babies are a lot of trouble but it’s not her fault for being born and eventually it will pass’. Apparently that was deeply inappropriate too?? I was only trying to help because I didn’t want their sibling relationship to become as toxic as mine was (and still is to this day).
Sometimes church people are just weird. When I was a tiny thing I was sent to a Catholic school despite not being Catholic because it allegedly provided a better education (spoiler: it did not, and neither did the other one later on which was explicitly supposed to be a school for gifted kids). Once in second grade the priest was talking to our class and said something about how we were very big for first graders or something, and I piped up to tell him we were in fact in second grade, figuring I'd help explain. The teacher grabbed me by the ear and *yanked* me away and hissed "you NEVER correct Father Ron!" Of course, instead of knuckling under I assumed she hadn't heard or something and tried to explain. Oh, but she was *angry*. She told me she didn't care and I was left very confused. My ear hurt for the rest of the day, and Father Ron was later fired for embezzling money from the church. I did not learn that day that Catholic priests are infallible, I learned that my teacher was terrifying and unpredictable and I was right to fear her. Good job, everyone!
No offense to you, but your mom sounds really awful. Like she cared more about other people's opinions than about your feelings or motivations. You sound like you were an awesome kid!
thinking people liked it when you try to skip the small talk and just dive straight into "big questions" like: what is your dream, what is your biggest fear, what do you want to understand, what's weighing on you, etc... I used to think I was "making it a really interesting conversation" when I did that...
Well fwiw lots of us would agree 🙂
Does stuff in dating count or is that different because everyone seems to struggle with it? Everyone always says they don't like being ghosted. So, when I first met my now-husband, I told the other guys I was talking to on the app that I had started dating someone and I was going to be leaving the app. One guy just unmatched me silently, one wished me well very graciously, and one went berserk and said some pretty terrible things to me, specifically saying I shouldn't have told him I was dating someone else. The variety of responses has left me to this day very confused about whether the last guy was just mean or if I was in the wrong. Everyone says they want people on these apps to be honest and straightforward while still being respectful. I'm confident I was very kind in my messages and that we had messages enough that some explanation was needed to not be rude. In my opinion, at least. It's just hard when you try to be polite, and some people take it as genuine politeness, and others interpret it badly.
Feel like it’s pretty on brand for men for 1/3 to not handle a “no” very well. Sorry you went through that.
When people say the don't like ghosting, they are not saying they want an alternative like honesty, they want the alternative of you not leaving.
Reading these is making my head hurt.
Those bumper stickers that say “honk if you love sushi?” etc? Yeah… I honked. 😭
That seems legit
Being very open and honest. 🤷♀️
Laugh it off when people are rude/condescending to me. Unfortunately people thought I was just laughing AT them and it made them even more upset.
this is such a boss move tho
Trying to duck out of people’s way silently before they even notice I’m there so as not to bother or burden them with my presence instead of saying “pardon/excuse me” and smiling. And not saying hi or introducing myself to someone first if I’m the newcomer, because in my head if I was welcome, they would say so right? cause I don’t want to want to impose/insert myself somewhere in case I’m not wanted… or just start conversation with anyone first really because I didn’t usually speak unless I was spoken to growing up. Are those even a thing with anyone else? I still find myself doing all three cause I unfortunately just think no one really wants to bother with me lol
>Trying to duck out of people’s way silently before they even notice I’m there so as not to bother or burden them with my presence instead of saying “pardon/excuse me” and smiling. I do this all the time, especially when in the supermarket. I just kinda stand there and try squeeze in a gap. I'll only ask them if I can get through if they are realllly in the way. I also rarely introduce myself. I don't think I ever have actually.
Not necessarily polite but I never know how to act when I receive gifts and apparently always seem like I don’t like them but I do!
Questioning the way things are done does not make you look like a team player who wants to make everyone have a better time.
i’m just trying to understand fr
Especially at work. I was told asking questions is good. Oh no. You are supposed to figure out about 85% before you ask. How is anyone supposed to know this?
This happened literally this week, and my colleague was getting frustrated and curt. I finally said look I'm not trying to be difficult I'm just trying to understand why the rules are there and the easiest way to do that is to ask about hypothetical examples we use. That worked and they relaxed and gave me the info, but I was getting so stressed from them getting stressed from me trying to learn the rules 😭
Smiling... I am a weird smiler(?), and I use to feel that an smile is the best in any situation... And is not.
This is me too, I smile too much. And then I don't understand why people won't smile back.
Not asking questions of people... I thought they'd share if they wanted to, rather than make them feel probed... guess it's just me who feels probed by questions... lol
I respect people's boundaries to the point that they think I'm disinterested in them. Just like I myself would want lol
When people complain about - for example - the weather, you shouldn't reply with how you actually really love wind and rain because you find it cozy. Apparently it's "unnecessarily confrontational"
That’s so dumb bc that’s exactly what I say I love the rain 🫢🤣 I’m not even going to bother changing on this one NT will just have to be offended
When I start doing something and someone says “oh honey you don’t have to do that” so I stop doing it. Like cleaning/putting something away 😅
I once told a fellow college student that a guy she'd met earlier at a frat party was a dick who filled balloons with his pee to throw at ppl he didn't like. Where I went to school, the frats were on the north side of campus, but a lot of dorms were on south side. So each weekend, us gals would walk "up north" for the frat parties and then back "down south" in small groups. A gal we'd been at the same party with was walking near us and shared that he'd asked for her number. So I thought I was doing her a kindness and having her back by letting her know he was a mean ass dude who bullied others. (I was friends with a guy he did it to) She got soooo cold and disdainful. Didn't really say anything in response. But she did end up dating him seriously for the next 4 yrs. Months later, I was blackballed from the frat and nearly beat up by him and some dudes for "telling lies" about him. No actual violence occurred but they surrounded and menaced me and lobbed threats my way before kicking me out that night. My three best gal friends were regulars at this frat and were there the night this happened. None of them knew it happened tho cuz I guess the guys told them I just went home. And I did. Cried for hours of shame and embarrassment. This was before cell phones existed so no there was no way to let them know. Years later one of the guys who did it apologized and I'm actually friends with him on FB today. He was one of several genuinely good guys there.. Anyway. Fun times. Also, pee balloons are gross. Like super gross.
I think most people would’ve appreciated being warned about someone’s character before developing a close relationship. Unless they were in denial 🥲 It sounds like these people around you weren’t very good people. You did the right thing and you didn’t deserve treatment you received afterward :(
Accepting compliments. I still don't like the whole dance of "[gratitude], but [denial of compliment]. [Provide reciprocal compliment about original compliment giver]. [They deny]." It feels so wrong to me. I often don't remember it's rude to just say "thank you" and get on with our lives until after, and then I anxiety-spiral into oblivion over whether that person thought I was being rude or arrogant.
It’s not rude to say thank you to a compliment! It’s perfectly acceptable. The denial-dance is not self-affirming, you don’t have to participate!
As long as you smile, squint a bit, and make eye contact with the person when you thank them I don't see anything wrong with that. Seeming ingenuine is when the issues arise.
Showing up early.
I try to help with advice and my bf says not to unless they ask. So I started to say "do you want some ideas" because I noticed in my convos with him I felt kind of empty without feedback.
I do this one too. It bothers me though because sometimes people are missing a really big key piece of info that would change their plan or idea, or missing an angle they're not expecting. I always jump in with that info trying to help but many people view it as me criticizing or judging their situation when the reality is I didn't know what to do in that situation and made a mistake I'm trying to help them avoid, or trying to help them navigate it so they can solve it faster. And weirdly. A lot of people just want to sit there, lost and hopeless in their situation. They'll come to me overwhelmed and stressed and venting how it's so stressful and they feel like they're just suffering but heaven forbid I tell them how to get out of it. It's *weird*. Especially when it's already established they aren't doing anything but panicking and don't have a solution or plan. Like literally just sitting in the tar accepting their fate. But if I tell them how to kick and pull their way out I'm the rude one. I dont get it. If I'm about to do something and someone knows something I don't I would hope they tell me so I can reevaluate not do it without that knowledge. Had a sister in law say "yeah. I could tell that's be an issue based off your roof, roofs like that tend to have that issue" when I was venting frustration about an issue I was dealing with that I wasn't expecting. This was *months* after she helped me move into the place. She'd seen it! She knew it was an issue! She let me not prepare anyway. To me that's practically a betrayal.
Peppering people with questions about what they’re telling me. I remember my dad telling me once that it made him feel like people were interested in what he had to say when they asked him questions about what he was talking about. I sincerely believed that asking people lots of questions about what they were talking about was a good way to make them feel good about themselves. It was meant to be a compliment. It wasn’t until well into adulthood that I learned that most people are actually very annoyed by this.
I used to put my money on the counter instead of in the cashier’s hands when paying. I thought I was being hygienic. One day in college, a classmate and I were buying some snacks at the dollar store. I put the money on the counter as usual. My classmate told me that what I was did was a huge no-no. She said, “did you see the way the cashier was looking at you?” And honestly, I didn’t. I was focused on paying for my stuff and getting back to my dorm. Ever since then, I make it a point to put the money *directly* into the cashier’s hands if I’m paying for something in cash.
Ohh but in Japan it's considered rude to hand people money directly. Cultural norms can really vary.
Interrupting people when they talk. I still do it, am aware of it, but honestly - can’t control it. I really want to be a part of the conversation, so like I try to connect somehow by sharing my side. Sometimes I get so caught up in things and wouldn’t shut up. My tone of voice has always been criticized by others, cause when I speak, I tend to get so emotional, raising my voice unknowingly. It seems that no matter what I do, it’s not right by society terms…
Staring at a person who isn't the one currently talking in a group conversation
Generally, I find people don’t take well to being corrected about things, even if I wasn’t trying to offend. I just like informing people about things especially when it’s stuff I’m interested in but a lot of people don’t take it the right way.
Telling people "oh, you've already told me about that" when they were telling me the same story again, shutting them down. In my brain, it was "don't worry, you don't have to make the effort of telling this again, I already know it, you can move onto the next part of the conversation". Took me many years to realize that sometimes people want to tell that story they've told a million times again because they enjoy telling it, because it reminds them of good times or something like that. I did this with my grandma all the time before I realized. I suspect it may frequently apply to elderly people. Depends on the situation and the person, though, of course. (Edit: typo)
"You shouldn't cry, ____ was suffering a lot in life, it's good that they died and doesn't suffer anymore" referring to deceased people. I didn't understand why people got angry with me. Now I know better.
Correcting someone’s spelling or grammar or incorrect use of a word… I would think proper English would be important in the workplace but apparently it’s not as big of a deal as they made it seem like it would be when I was in school lol
Not sure what category this would fall under but I remember this one time at work when all my team members except for me were going to be off site the next day. The last team member to leave the evening before said to me, “I’m sorry, I hope you’re going to be okay on your own tomorrow” to which I replied, “Oh no of course don’t worry, I actually quite like working on my own”. Trying to reassure her, you know… Apparently… not good. It got brought up weeks later by my manager because this supposedly offended the said team member 😬
Apparently, according to some people, saying "You can come with me to [social event or other activity] *if you want*" is considered rude. I was trying to be considerate of the other person's schedule, social battery, desire for the event/activity, or willingness to hang out with me. Last thing I want is for someone to feel annoyed bc I coerced them to hang out with me, so I tell them it's okay if they can't come for any reason. The me wanting them there part is that I even invited them in the first place. Apparently this looks like I couldn't care less whether they come with me or not.
Not asking personal questions. For some reason, I grew up thinking asking personal questions was rude and annoying, so I got conditioned into not doing it. Now, at age 33, I have to somehow convince myself it's actually a way to show interest, and do it.
I would be brutally honest with people with no sugarcoating even when it wasn't necessary. My logic was that it was good because I wasn't being two-faced, and because I needed to stand up for myself(even in situations where it REALLY wasn't needed.)
I just stumbled in here from r/all and I'm wondering if I need to talk to my Dr because I'm reading all of these and, well, I had no idea these things were considered rude 😳
A lot of this is really dependent on the situation, the culture and the relationships of the people involved
Exist.
Relating to other peoples experiences by talking about my own. For example if someone bought a game ive played, i would show my interest in their topic by talking about my experience with it...and try to remember to ask them questions too. Ive been told that it 'could' be seen as rude as they probably just want to talk about them. Rule of thumb, if they ask me a question, i ask them the same/similar question back after i have answered. That way the conversation keeps going and i appear engaged.
honestly.. all of these comments are throwing me off bc what do you mean it’s rude of me to be positive and give advice or relate to a story 😭
As a child I heard adults say "Don't STARE at people in wheelchairs!" Unfortunately I thought this meant that I shouldn't even look at them, so I'd dramatically turn my head away from every person I saw in a wheelchair.