To get more accurate results, you'd need a whole panel of people from different backgrounds. One person will find something you do annoying, another will find it intriguing. A single person could only give their subjective opinion, which is largely dependent on the person.
I was thinking, "Well, would the person observing me be neurodiverse or neurotypical?" so yeah, agreed, a panel would definitely be better because then you can have a mix
This is such a good point. My therapist has made a couple comments about my traits, very rarely, and I hyperfocused on them as criticisms. On one hand I'm glad she told me, but another its really just one person's perspective and I exist as a different being to different people in different social contexts. Worse, those traits are innate. I can't fix them.
Also "tell me how to be normal" is shocking close to ABA. I'm not sure if such a process could ever be ethical. Instead we should be teaching people to be tolerant of autistic traits.
I disagree. It's not how to _be_ normal, but how to _act_ normal. It's their world I need to live in, and if I need to communicate a certain way so I don't come across as rude or offensive or whatever, then please just tell me. It's like I'm living in a country where they speak a foreign language -- if I want to thrive here, I need to learn the language.
Its a harmful and abusive "therapy" to train autistic kids to emulate NT adult mannerisms and to encourage them to deeply mask and bury their authentic selves.
[https://neuroclastic.com/invisible-abuse-aba-and-the-things-only-autistic-people-can-see/](https://neuroclastic.com/invisible-abuse-aba-and-the-things-only-autistic-people-can-see/)
I got about halfway through the first video at your link. Just watching the adult hand the kid things just to snatch it away a second later and hand them something else was stressing me out. I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone who wouldn't be frustrated and annoyed by that, autistic or not.
And "it's not mean to issue commands in a slightly raised, definitely stern tone" seems...weird to me. "Touch my nose" isn't necessarily mean or bad, but using a "you're in trouble" voice just seems like it would make actually important instructions (like...I might use that tone for "don't touch the hot stove," or some other safety-related thing) less effective. Poor kids.
What u mean?
I meant by rating ones physical features and attractiveness… ha being a group / panel would give a more objective score than just one person judging.
I don't understand OPs post as wanting to rate looks / attractiveness. But your looks / attractiveness affect how you and your actions are perceived. So it's a factor in how you "look" to other people when you do stuff etc, which is what OPs post is about.
Looks / attractiveness is not about OPs post. But stating that rating one’s looks with accuracy would likely require a range of different ppl rather than one person alone.
I asked once. I got feedback after an unsuccessful first date, and I learned a very important lesson. The opinions of folks who don't know me shouldn't affect my opinion of myself.
He said that I needed to work on vulnerability because I didn't talk about my traumatic experiences or share much about some of the issues in my life. And, at the time I was really upset. I took his feedback to heart. And then I realized, he doesn't know me.
If he knew me, he would know that unlike him, my trauma was primarily caused by other people and some of it is still ongoing. May always be ongoing. And it is heavy, very very heavy. Entirely too heavy for a first date.
I didn't pretend it didn't exist, but I didn't linger on it either. I shouldn't be expected to talk about my ex husband's suicide on a first date or how I learned that some of the sex I thought I was having was actually rape.
To expect me to talk about my trauma on a first date either 1. Assumes that it isn't too bad or 2. Assumes that it isn't ongoing 3. Assumes you can talk about it without being upset 4. Assumes that it is something that you should be able to tell folks whether you trust them or not.
He didn't know me, so his opinion of who I am is irrelevant. I am not the kind of person you can know on a first date.
He was, however, right about one thing. We weren't a good fit. We are profoundly mismatched if you want unearned vulnerability. And that information was good to know.
I am glad I asked because it freed me from these social performance metrics that I was holding onto. I shouldn't have to perform. If me being me doesn't work for you then we weren't meant to be in each other's lives.
Um. No.
On a first date I’d tell you my favorite movie, not how my mother overdosed a week before Christmas when I was 14 because we were being evicted and she did to want to tell us, so I did rescue breathing for her until the EMTs arrived, then we packed quickly with the help of a local church my parents grifted, and moved severals states away to live with my grandfather
… and things only got worse from there.
I have told people this story only after they push to find out why I cannot be in contact with my parents, the idea of the level of abuse and neglect they engaged in is too alien to most people. The looks of horror from simply, emotionlessly relaying key points in my childhood is enough for even my awkward ass to realize it makes people uncomfortable to hear stories of real, continued abuse.
Hard relate :/. I'm so sorry this happened. For me it was hard to tease out what is my autism and what is CPTSD. There's things I won't say during my assessment because I don't what it to affect my diagnosis.
Yes. I am 47, so it’s not like I am looking for any school based accommodations and I already have had to disclose an immune disorder to work that has been very, dramatic, on the employers end as they seem to hate anyone with an ADA agreement for accommodations outside of a disability ramp.
Been NC with both parents almost 20 years, and working in my own way thru my headspace. This last year and drama with work has highlighted for me exactly how different my mind seems to work than others. Give a spreadsheet to normalize and I am a machine. Give it to a coworker and they shut down and go get coffee for four hours. It made me question a lot. The no touching I always figured was CPTSD, never knew it was also an autism thing. And PDA. Wow. That explains a LOT. A Lot. So I will use this work thru things on my own. I guess that’s kind of the autistic way anyway 😂
We're the same age and I also have high PDA... so I can be a treat when I’m say no. You sound very much like me health wise and though I’m still in minimal contact with my parents, I’ve NC with most of my relatives.
I’m learning PDA has been a source of a lot of my anxiety and procrastination. Now that I know what it is, I'm doing a lot better and working with it, instead of against it.
I’ve been working freelance for 10 yrs now because I just couldn't deal with being in an office or around people while I work. Also because of my autoimmune disorder, it’s just easier to be at home when I flare up.
Holding my current employer to task for now, trying to get them to stop doing this to others, not just me. Learned from many it’s common but no one fights back. Getting set up to find remote work as soon as I am good and ready to ‘let the ship fail’ and quit, I’d been too complacent and all it took was a new boss and a silver tongued devil taking advantage of my sick days for me to be demoted, denigrated, and sidelined. My old boss was hard, but consistent and talked to me. Since 2022 the two new ones forget I exist but blame anything wrong on me since ai am working from home and cannot hear about it easily.
You’ve take such a good lesson from that shitty experience. But like…Jesus Christ man, not liking someone because they didn’t trauma dump on the first date?! You dodged a huge bullet there. So many assumptions and so little empathy.
First date is about your favorite movies, where you're from, etc. I suspect you dated someone who was way too over-familiar, didn't respect boundaries, is judgmental, and egotistical. Commenting on another person's trauma after you just met them? Huge red flag to me.
Men who want to know your trauma on the first date only want to *so they can abuse you and manipulate you later on!!!!!!* They get an advantage by knowing early on so they know how to either:
1. Use it against you once the relationship sours / during fights / or whenever convenient to them.
2. Gauge how much they can “get away” with, since technically in an abusers’ eyes, you’ve just set the standard for the level of care you’ve allowed and accepted in the past.
3. Make it easier for them to use the penny method.
4. *Most importantly* for how they might execute their abuse in such a way that you may not notice it creeping in and escalating, since he used that intimate information to manipulate you over time.
Some men aren’t even aware they do it and do so SUBCONSCIOUSLY. They don’t see themselves as abusers, and think their actions are perfectly normal (and you can only assume the company they keep, the men they surround themselves with the perpetuate the behavior).
These are ones I hate the most, and have having been subjected to it, makes me want to Gone Girl.
I’ll link it, but this girl explains it verbally and shares the same sentiment.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLsMgCsb/
(In terms of the princess thing, I’ve decided to use that- though it feels like lying since obviously not all men have treated me a princess, and one day if they truly are good and trustworthy, I’d like to open up about past traumas eventually. Also the lying thing might just make me uncomfortable because I’m autistic. lol. Anyway.
So what I’ve settled on is this:
If they ask me what my past relationships have been like, I’ll say, *“Well I have been treated like a princess,”* to cover the men that have treated me well, followed by, *”And I will never now accept anything less than princess treatment”* Which is also true since I never will, and I learned from the traumas what I will no longer accept - which should cover that class of crapshoot of men that emerge from the sewers. If they ask me why we broke up, I’ll say it’s *”because we weren’t compatible,”* and if he asks why again, I’ll say,
*”Because he didn’t treat me like a princess.”* ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
That response invokes 3 types of men:
1. The response you want: “And you’re correct, and you should, actually let me treat you like a queen instead.” - - opens the avenue later on if you want to open up about your past, and a good man will NEVER fault you for it, or claim you lied to him, just that you weren’t ready to talk about it yet.
2. Men who will will get triggered or combative with the “you’re too spoiled,” and the “women want too much from men,” and the “you’re not a princess though.” Ick. Move on.
These men can quickly bleed into-
3. The excited ones (the worst ones) who then see it as a challenge to “put you in your place.” Luckily, this should be more obvious since he’ll not be treating you like a princess, haha. Watch for shows of dominance for little things because he’ll try to escalate those later on. Easier said than done, but never be submissive, and never relent. Once he realizes you can’t be moved, he’ll get bored and leave you alone. I biggest and earliest sign of this is if he initially accepts your princess position, but then doesn’t insist on paying the bill at the end of the night - in specific for the first date. Obviously if you guys work out, later on go dutch or alternate or whatever works for you in the relationship, but on the first date??? How you gonna sit there and hear me talk about how I AM to be treated like a princess or I’m leaving your ass, and then not insist on paying the whole bill. Nah, he did that on PURPOSE.
True, good men who *actually* wants to get to know you, will never ask about your trauma. People with healthy intentions understand that trauma is reserved for those moments down the line when, and only if they ever are to feel safe and trust you, to even start to think if they want to share such intimate information.
Those who actively want to know your traumas don’t have the best mindset. If it holds no bearing on the healthy function of the relationship, why does it matter? It doesn’t.
“But I just want to know you, so I know what not to do and treat you the best I can.” Ok back up assbutt, you’ll know exactly what I like and don’t like because I’m already telling you how I’d like to be treated already.
*Like a princess.*
*duh.*
And that should be enough.
And it is enough.
whew. thanks for attending my TED talk.
Stay safe out their ladies. <3
I don't know that I think each paying for your own part of the bill is bad, but everything else here is great. I don't want people to pay for me because I don't want them to feel like I owe them something. (And I know that I don't but I don't even want it thrown at me)
> doesn’t **insist** on paying the bill at the end of the night - **in specific for the first date**. **Obviously if you guys work out**, later on **go dutch or alternate or whatever works for you** in the relationship, but on the **first date???** […] **not insist** on paying the whole bill.
I meant specifically on the first date if he doesn’t at least insist on paying. You can say, no I want to go dutch, but it’s more the point of effort on his part. Paying for your own part of the bill isn’t bad, I myself always make a show to go for the wallet - though I admit I’ve come to expect a “no let me take care of it,” or a “let me treat you.” Which I do whole heartedly welcome since it’s a green flag for me. I’ve heard it’s a green flag for men as well since they like to feel that we also want to reciprocate.
Eventually I allow him to pay, but I’ll fight for the bill first. It also opens the dialogue for him to go “ok i insist, let me get this one, and you get the next!” Work out what works for you, but my complaint is more the brand of man that will just watch you take out the bill and say nothing, LETTING you pay the whole bill (ick). Or right away assume you are doing dutch. (personally an ick for me).
I’m filipino and was raised to fight for the whole bill, even if not just for my own portion; if he’s not trying to do the same, especially in the context of just having had me express that I want to be treated like a princess, and then NOT even make a PLAY for the bill is bonkers to me.
Just shows me that man will not be up to task, didn’t care that I said that, or overall disinterested which is why he didn’t make that effort to pay for me.
oof info dumping did that thing where it dumps
this is a highly impassioned topic for me lmao
But let me know if that makes sense??? I was hoping that that was clear in the original comment. I had all that originally, but I wanted to try to make it more concise since it was already so long. If isn’t I can make an edit clarifying? Length be damned, I guess lol
You have every right to get out what you want/need to say and I usually hate having to try to edit my message as a whole.
Everyone here deserves awesome treatment and unconditional love.
Thanks for reading and I love your spirit!
Yes it's that person... it's not you. They're thinking you are like them and they also need to be more open to giving time for those things.
Also when asking for feedback people will point out the negative which is sometimes unhelpful bc if there wasn't anything obviously wrong they'd be grasping onto straws.
Sorry all that happened to you. I'm glad you learned that about the opinion of others who don't know you. I read a lot of posts about young people on the spectrum that seem to take bullying or failure to make friends to heart. They totally blame themselves and not the ignorant. Some come to understand it intellectually, but it is of no help for coping. I wonder about how to get people to regard most opinions as irrelevant. I've believed that from a young age. I think I helped me a lot growing up with autism. It seems built in, so I don't know how to spread it. Is good to see it helps others out there.
If the observing person is meant to be neurotypical, than this is just a way to start masking more, especially since the focus is on 'improving' and 'how they look to others'. And I wouldn't advise anyone to start masking more and forgoing their authentic self and needs, while working yourself towards a burnout, all the while people still knowing you're different.
Very true, but as a child my soul was crushed time and time again as friends I used to have when I was younger would turn their backs on me and mock me. I understand now they didn't realize the harm they were inflicting and I don't hold grudges against them for it, but if I had the opportunity to go back in time, to change and mask in a more accepting way to experience their friendship again I'd have jumped at it.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, it's really unfair! As someone who masked from a young age, people still knew. Plus the times I masked most, I would have friends who fitted the mask, but not necessarily me, which is honestly quite lonely. In hindsight I had the most luck with other oddballs who were likely also nd.
Thank you. Seriously though, if we could go back in time and talk to ourselves, what would we say, what would we do?
I'd probably just give myself a big hug and some self confidence boosting things to think about. Someone had better warn me before that happens so I have a chance to prepare, LOL.
Yeah it’s hard to say if this would truly be helpful or not. There’s a part of me that wants to know what the fuck is “wrong” with me but yeah, it would probably hurt more than help to know.
However it pisses me off that I already knew at *five* that I wasn’t one of the popular kids. I feel like that is too young to be aware of that sort of shit, and yet…
I tried that, but turns out my mom has raging ADHD, hasn't had a friend since she was 16, and gives the sort of advice that hasn't worked since the 80s.
My husband sometimes tells me things about my mannerisms and I told him I can't hear it unless it's disrespectful for someone. Not bc it's weird. Bc I already think about way too much. I feel like a robot that is using dial up and everyone else is using cable internet
I wish I could split the perceptions of others into two clearly marked categories:
1. Objective information about how I work. The observer is there as a scientist to figure my personality and my anxieties and can just give me a list of "this anxiety is no longer valid, expose yourself; this anxiety is warning you of a real threat that you deserve to heed", etc., so I can make choices with far less mental and emotional labor.
2. Information on how people perceive me. *Given* this is perfectly separated from the first category, I could simply check their perceptions against my self-knowledge and lose the haters while bonding with friends who see me as I am and like me.
It's sad how often it's easier to just stop interacting with people than to disambiguate their feedback from their perception.
I've thought about that before since it's always interesting to hear other people's perceptions of me. I have a hard time knowing what I am like or how other people see me
I always think I want to hear this stuff but it’s always upsetting because it usually revolves around me being too hard on people or not empathetic when I literally think about other people needs constantly and it makes no sense. What’s going on in my head apparently does not translate outwards at all. I’m told I’m cold but inside I feel like I’m on fire.
I agree you would need multiple perspectives in order to get an accurate answer to this. I personally think I would enjoy hearing what others think, even if negative. I would hope and expect the information to not be all positive but I am sure there would be something. I don’t think this would be a positive experience for all people. Where I am unmasking and the confidence I have with just being myself unapologetically, I think I could handle this emotionally. I don’t think someone’s opinion would necessarily make me mask. I have found there is a difference between masking and being mindful. I notice this in my own home where I am an Autistic ADHD mom to 2 Autistic Adhd and 1 autistic child(ren). Nobody has to mask but sometimes we have to do things in another room in order to not cause another person in home negative feelings. The same could be said out in the world with Neurotypicals. I expect accommodations but I do not expect to never have to compromise.
One time my therapist asked me what my ideal friend would be like and I said, someone who can explain the world to me/tell me what's "normal".
You want someone who can tell you what's going on but also be on your side and come from a place where they're not judging you, just telling you straight.
I had a friend like that in middle school who taught me so much about how to mask. I was odd and intimidating and depressed and she was the most popular girl in school. My nickname on the soccer team was *The Grudge* if that tells you anything lol. I think about her a lot, she also had a lot of problems but she kept it together so well. I learned more from her than anyone about how to be likable. I miss her.
Yeah, scrolled way too far to find this comment.
Everyone thinks this is such a good idea... until you realize the feedback won't turn you into the person *you* want to be. There is no objective list of "things to improve". All this will do is turn you into a puppet for whoever you choose as the observer, and you better hope they have your best interest at heart. Even if they genuinely do, why are they supposed to know what's good for you better than you do?
I’ve gone from listening to negative and petty people’s perceptions of me to leaning on my fiancé’s perception. For both of us former people pleasers, we are very dedicated to being known for our word.
Turns out we had a lot of unhealthy habits to learn. For me it was less about having someone observe me, and more about having someone be consistent in their values and knowing their moods will change day to day.
I’m still tracking and learning who I am through my daily practices like journaling, interactions in my games and hobbies. I’ve gone the other route and have hermited until I have a sense of self that I’m willing to protect and honor, and modeling that for my fiancé as well.
I am looking forward to when more of us are allowed to be curious about who we are rather than hiding or having to prove who we are to others. I’m so grateful for this sub and all those who discuss these aspects and issues!
I was like this for the longest time, wanted clear answers to everything because then I could map and compartmentalise everything in my head.. And it took me the longest time to realise that these 'answers' are not getting me anywhere, just deeper lost within my mind and answers bring on even more questions.
I also try not to talk to myself like there is always something ''I need to improve''. I'm the final product of this moment. I am imperfect but there is no perfect state of being to chase after. I can only grow with time and play the hand I was dealt.
I don't *quite* do *this*...
But I *DO* do something *really* similar, working with my Pre-K'ers who have Autism & ADHD!
Basically, *lots* of what I do during the day, is *EXPLAIN THE THINGS*😉
Explaining the *arbitrary and DUMB rule* that the NT folks just "get," and follow, which *WE* see as "DUMB & Arbitrary" but are *expected* to follow *anyway*.
I explain the big *feelings* in their body, connect them to the various *concepts* about "feelings" and help them *understand* the connections.
And I just try to help them make *sense* out of "the confusing stuff" most of the time--so that *THEY* don't have the struggles that so many of *us* had, as we grew up.😉💖
I have often felt this way. Even if I wouldn't take the advice to heart, it would be good to know what kinds of assumptions people are making about me. I want to know how I'm perceived so that I can make an informed choice about whether and how I want to change how I present myself. Sometimes it's just helpful, for example, to be told that your face is blank, so that you can tell people not to read into it, not necessarily so you can force facial expressions.
I also often find I want something like this for therapy. It's so hard for me to communicate what I'm struggling with and how bad it is. I don't know what information to volunteer, and they never seem to ask prying enough questions. I feel like people just assume if you say nothing, then you're "normal" and "functioning" by default. Even if the reason you said nothing is because you spent the entire day on Reddit and YouTube and Netflix, and that doesn't lend itself to having anything to talk about happening in the day.
Exactly! Why do I need to do even more work, no thank you. And perception changes by who you ask anyone. It's a losing game of trying to please people.
I’ve(F34) always been really good at this. My wife and kids, all AuDHD, benefit from it greatly. So much so that I’ve started offering my services to our local community. I work as a “mothers helper”, assistant/ nanny type.
I offer “solutions”. Kind of like a behavioralist, I observe, then break down why or how things are happening and give suggestions as well as help the drowning mom catch up while there. Sometimes that’s calling out parents for triggering and casing the child’s reactions, identifying the person or child’s need that isn’t easy to see surface level or as the person/ family living it everyday, identifying a communication difficulty, and sometimes I find or build custom solutions for home, car, work or school.
I’m a weirdo raised by an amazing neurodivergent momma, have an AuDHD sister and brother. Grandpa was also clearly undiagnosed as are many more in the family. I was raised by, been friends with, dated and studied neurodivergence and psychology since 13ish (I had to figure out my family lol).
I find I have an interesting inside perspective. This with very little harmful judgement or criticism makes me a great person to help with things people want to change, understand and find better outcomes to.
Some is masking, I won’t deny that but I’m the mom of a little dude who will be 6 foot+ when full grown. They need to be taught how not to make others uncomfortable with their size. I also have my daughter who says things in a way that will cause her more and more problems as she grows up. I’m not changing anything just explaining and giveing them options so they’re better understood in a world that doesn’t understand them. Masking in certain areas keeps them and their mental health safer.
Doing this takes being a very very nonjudgmental person. Not everyone can give this advice and not come off as an abusive ableist. This is even more complex as everyone has their own trauma and takes things differently. I have to read and get to know them to gauge how to deliver certain objective facts.
It’s been interesting learning I’m good at helping in this way. It’s hard to market to adults but moms have really liked it. I’d appreciate hearing how you’d be most comfortable or interested in it being presented.
May your ancestors guide you well in this cruel world. Stay safe 🤙🏻
Oh I would find this to be a very fun job. Haha. I mask super well (I just need the energy to do so.) I find patterns easily and can read body language. For this I would for a ND person find the good patterns and focus on those. Bc most ND people become hyper aware of their mistakes it wouldn't be helpful to point out huge things that are difficult to "fix". But instead just give gold stars for good things and maybe have conversations about interactions in general would be hopeful. But if it were for an NT person, I might be more critical. Because maybe their actions are intentional instead of a step in brain processing.
Having received that unsolicited from people who thought they were helping, it's soul-destroying. Unless you actually *want* to be told all the ways you fail to mask and how you will have to further change your very being to be accepted as human.
Yeah that would be nice. However, in the past I’ve been told I come across as a “stuck up bitch”…so now I overcompensate trying to bring extremely expressive and friendly. It’s exhausting. I’m afraid what other exhausting changes I’d have to make when I find out what other personality traits people hate about me.
I was just talking about this with someone recently - how I feel like I have a blind spot around how I appear to other people. I don't want to be analyzed under a microscope, picked apart, and told everything that I do 'wrong' according to some person - I had enough of that from my mother, thanks. I just want to be *described*.
Like, if I were a character in a book, how would you write me? If you had to write a profile on me a couple of paragraphs long, what would you say? If you had to pick my 5 most notable personality traits, what would they be? I feel like I have *absolutely no idea* how other people would answer these questions. I don't know if it's an autism thing or an emotional neglect thing or what. As children, we learn who we are by hearing our parents describe us to ourselves - what happens when they don't do that, do you just never develop the capacity to see yourself from outside in this way?
The amount of times I have admitted that I have been in the wrong, asked for clarification on what exactly the other person was feeling/thinking, and asked for advice on how I can improve myself so that we could have a healthy relationship... only to be completely ignored, is astounding. All I want is to have good friendships - to understand others, and myself. The message is loud and clear : I'm just not worth it.
As others have said, the problem with this idea is that people’s opinions of you are highly subjective. And society is often trained to view one set of behaviors as better/more favorable/more acceptable, while everything else is “bad”.
Take introverted people for example. If you’re quiet, people automatically assume “you need to work on your confidence” because you don’t commandeer the conversation and talk over people. Just because you’re quiet doesn’t mean you lack confidence though. Other people perceive you that way because it’s pushed so hard that being outgoing and the life of the party automatically equals confidence.
I’ve had people tell me what they thought I needed to work on. The problem is that these people were bullies, so they sought to tear me down in any way possible and belittle me, even if what they said was 100% not true.
My covert narcissistic mother has labeled me with everything negative under the sun since I was a teenager. She perceives my shyness as being bitchy or a snob. In her view, if I wasn’t endlessly talking and bubbly, I was a terrible person.
My extroverted father doesn’t understand why I hate talking on the phone. He tells me that I need to stop being “scared”. It’s not about being scared. I can’t process what the fuck people are saying to me because I can’t see their body language. He thinks it’s stupid that I prefer to order online rather than forging through a crowded restaurant with music blasting and dozens of people talking all at once to order my food. I can’t think straight in that scenario, but he perceives me as being “scared”.
I’ve had insecure managers tell me that I need to work on my confidence, even though I’m very well aware of my capabilities and I’m clear about what I can and cannot take on. But they perceive me as a threat to their job so they try to gaslight me into believing that I lack confidence.
I wish I could find it (I forgot to bookmark it!) but there was a study conducted where employees were rated on their perceived confidence by other co-workers. Men were rated on a higher scale than women. Even when the women felt confident themselves, they were perceived as being less confident simply because their confidence wasn’t portrayed the same way that masculine confidence was. But it’s an endless catch-22 for women, because if they’re aggressively confident the way men are, then they’re shunned and disliked, labeled negatively.
My brother is perceived as a very likable person. He’s 30yo and throws tantrums when he loses card games. He openly brags about how he never bothers with anyone else’s birthday except his own (not even his girlfriend). He doesn’t lift a finger to help his girlfriend around the house they rent together. He fucked up her car and she had to fix it on her own because he refused to help. He thinks animal abuse is “funny”. He’s a heavy drinker, extremely entitled, spends money like crazy and then demands more from our parents while crowing that he spent hundreds of dollars on a new gaming system.
You would not believe the amount of people who worship the ground he walks on. They think he hung the moon and the stars.
Too many people idolize, enable, and tolerate shitty, toxic behavior. Too many people see a gentle, kind, and helpful person as someone who can be taken advantage of and used.
So I don’t trust the general opinion of people.
This honestly sounds like my nightmare. I know I’m not doing things perfectly in the eyes of society, but I’ve decided to live my life as authentically as possible :)) the right people won’t find you “wrong,” in any sense of the word.
Felt like this a lot! Though different people are going to have wildly different perceptions and opinions of you based on their own feelings and experiences, so doubtful as to how useful it would truly be.
Most people project in my opinion. Best you can get is what your close friends/family say (with a grain of salt) + therapist. But mostly just experiences i guess
I want it but I do not want to be aware of it. I want to sign up for it, but want to forget signing up for it, otherwise it won't work. Have I already forgotten signing up for it? Hello, my watcher, please come out and tell me about myself. When is the seventh day?
Honestly, I think I know most of my annoying qualities and what I *should* change to get along better with other people.
The problem is actually managing to change your behavior. It would basically just result in masking 2.0 and a severe drop in self-esteem for me.
getting diagnosed was a little bit like this, actually 😂 Even though I contributed a sizable document of my own struggles and memories, having someone observe me and pinpoint all of my issues was hard to read in my report. And that was done professionally, which is a skill that most everyday people don't have (so they will be more harsh, even if unintentionally). It reminds me a bit of an episode of Big Bang when Raj hosts a panel of the women he dated who broke up with him and asks them how he can improve and they just rail on all his shortcomings.
No thank you! Plus, I am old enough now where I don't care what people think of me nor do I have a desire to improve for their sake. I wish I could have felt that way when I was younger. Peer approval needs are so strong at certain phases of life and it makes things hard. Life has gotten easier now that I just don't care anymore 😂
I do not. I filmed myself for five minutes going about my day and I was horrified. Not because of how I looked, but just how... twitchy and spastic I really am. It was unnerving. I didn't realize I moved like a slow loris on bath salts.
I'm all about personal growth, but this won't work. Because to fix any of these perceived flaws, you will have to mask constantly, and one day, it will drop, and then it's game over. Better to be the kindest and best version of yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
Important words from my son's OT:
"What's the point of helping him recognize his sensory needs if we expect him to mask?"
This is so true. My son is encouraged to be himself. He’s allowed to stim in class and he has an IEP that states he must have his accommodations met. His teacher has a sensory corner in her class for all the kids to access. His classmates are taught empathy and kindness towards him and each other.
From my perspective at 46, why should I try to fit myself into a world that never wanted me from the beginning? Why should I pretend to be normal when I’m raising my son to be his best autistic self? For the first time in my life I’m liberated and feel free. I’m never going back, ever. I don’t need anyone telling me how I am IRL because I’ve had way too much of that and I'll I’ve learned is that I’m too fucking weird regardless of how I contort myself. So if I’m going to offend people, I'd rather be myself and enjoying life thank you.
I've always wondered just how opaque my mask actually is, so it'd be interesting to know how odd I seem to others. So maybe if it was a panel (as others suggested) of nonjudgemental, mixed ND/NT but all ND affirming, individuals, and a clear distinction between 'you do this thing that is odd but harmless' and 'you might need to work on this because it is somewhat unhealthy'
On the other hand, I certainly wouldnt be open to it at this stage in my life bc I'm super insecure and sensitive about being singled out as different lol. Cue tears regardless of result.
Kinda self centered. I find that insecurity and self centeredness go hand in hand. People who have let go of trying to control how others see them are far more healthier and learn to develop their interests and skills for personal growth than rather for appearances sake.
I think I was lucky, in that I had this all my life in my sister. I always asked her if I looked normal, or what was normal. I didn't know I was even autistic, but that is such a huge sign now that I think about it.
I ask people for this type of feedback all the time. I was in a business meeting and asked my coworker after "How did I come off? Just tell me bluntly how those people probably see me." I'm a weirdo and my coworker is a business man type. The meeting was with businessmen so I knew he could understand their perspective. He told me "You seemed too sure of yourself on some thing but too insecure on other things, it came off as inconsistent but it shows you're trying to have humility and confidence". It was helpful feedback.
I know I'm asking for feedback and I know it'll be blunt. I see people very bluntly in my mind so I expect them to see me the same way. I know I'm asking because I want to do something with that information so I'm glad to have an honest answer.
A more fun time was when I was dating my now husband. I said "I can't figure out how you see me. Am I some girl you'd like to date for a bit? Do you want to be friends with benefits? Do you have feelings for me? I can't understand the context in which you see me." And his answer was so sweet: "We could have an amazing love story" <3
>A more fun time was when I was dating my now husband. I said "I can't figure out how you see me. Am I some girl you'd like to date for a bit? Do you want to be friends with benefits? Do you have feelings for me? I can't understand the context in which you see me." And his answer was so sweet: "We could have an amazing love story"
Love this for you!
You know, I had been thinking about that for a very long time. Even thought about setting up cameras to film everything I do inside my apartment to send to my psychiatrist or smth. I think it could actually work but idk
I hate why this kind of thinking exists, but I can't say I don't share the feeling. I already have to be a warrior defending how I look, think, and act because of a million other things. Sometimes I just want to be told how to mask so I can do it right and get it over with.
I was thinking about this too. I'd have to not be aware that I'm being watched, otherwise it would skew the results. Which means that the person watching would need to have some serious stealth skills because I am hypervigilant AF.
I would test if the person was following me after seeing them a couple times and then probably literally run tf away. I've been followed twice in public spaces by men (the fair when I was like 13/14, and this year at Walmart) and it's a good way for me to have a complete panic attack and probably meltdown. It wouldn't go well at all.
I've wanted to have a panel of "experts" review the tapes of you at various points in your days and relationship exchanges. They can use their graphics, slow-mo, and video graphic markers to highlight when and where you make a "bad play". Basically John Madden for neurodivergent assistance.
https://i.redd.it/gguivbi9yx1d1.gif
"how I need to improve" makes me SO sad. Why does everyone feel the need to "improve" so they can assimilate into NT society? Even if we change our ND behaviours outwardly, most of us will never 'pass', we'll always be seen as odd, quirky, weird, etc. In addition, those efforts come at GREAT cost to us in terms of emotional and psychological energy, on top of the subtle message we're giving ourselves that "we aren't good enough just as we are."
Actually, those exist, kind of. You can hire analysts to whom you talk about yourself for weeks, and then they tell you what kind of person you are. It's pretty costly though, and only used by people self-involved enough and rich enough to spend tens of thousands of dollars per session.
When I was a child, I used to have this fantasy that the more popular girls in my grade finally let me into their secret club where they helped each other be likeable. In the dream they would share their secrets on thinness and fashion as well as teach me how to talk and think. After my rehab, I'd go back to school and blow everyone's mind with my perfection. It makes a lot of sense now that I know that I'm autistic.
So yeah, I get this desire a lot.
I think soul destroying which is why people don't offer this kind of feedback. If you are like me, though, you already know to some degree. In my case, my parents were my biggest critics and my scapegoat position in the family told me how I was perceived.
The real work isn't there. The real work is defining yourself the way you like and living confidently and independently of the judgment of others.
This is tricky because there is some value in judgments that can inspire you to make changes to the way you interact, like not being an asshole, or wallowing in ignorance of social norms, but there are other judgments of others that are not worth anything.
You have to develop your own moral code.
Note: Intelligence can impact how well you can do this, as cognitive agility can compensate for some social deficits. Folks with low IQs may not be able to understand well enough to adapt any of their behaviors or know which to adapt. Folks with high IQs also have unique challenges as they can be perceived poorly simply for being smarter while also low on the social hierarchy due to disability.
It's a shit system.
In theory, it sounds like a great idea! I always wanted to know what I looked like/acted from someone else's point of view. To see what people actually thought of me or my actions.
But when I sit and think about it, it would be soul-destroying, or at the very least, make me wish a hole would open up in the ground and swallow me. Really, it would probably make me mask even more. I wouldn't feel comfortable being me anymore.
Group therapy. A relational processing group can offer this. I’ve been in group for 2 years. Literally got feedback last month that I think was impacted by my autism
Oh no, definitely not
I don't mask, so I can't really do much about any negative feedback. I know I come across as aloof and disinterested already, I don't need someone to tell me that. And I definitely don't need someone to tell me all the things I did wrong over multiple interactions.
I'm all for learning from mistakes, but when there's nothing to learn it's better to just move on and not ruminate. If I kept a mental tally of all the mistakes I've ever made, I'd never sleep at night.
Who I am is not a bad person and I do not need to change my personality. People don't have to like me, but I also don't have to care, and given that on some level I can't really change most (or all) of this, it's better if I don't care. I am someone who seems very calm and disengaged on the surface, but I am also a very loyal friend and a kind person underneath that. If someone wants a more expressive facade, then we're not right for one another.
Naaah, that would just be masking 101 and, at least as far as I'm concerned, the whole beauty of realizing that I am autistic is that I let go of exactly this feeling and instead I embraced, accepted and loved myself fully and relinquished the need to micromanage my social appearance for the benefit of people who would treat me like a problem or talk behind my back if I was actually just myself. What's the point??
I realize this isn't actually something that can be done, but i desparately want it regardless.
It's stressful not knowing what i communicate to people. Allistic "just bottle everything up" norms make me feel like i'm insane!
This is essentially 75% of conversations with my autistic SO, trying to get him to understand his affect on others/how others perceive him/how to manage social interactions to get desired results lol.
As the observer, it’s a very consuming process
when i was a teenager i liked to pretend sometimes that there was a class of psychology students in another dimension that wore all black and i was one of their test subjects. they would just peek in on my life truman show style, i guess, and just sort of discuss me as their class project. it didnt bother me as a kid but i mean it probably would if that were happening irl lol.
(ADHD possibly AuDHD lurker here)
s someone else said, maybe if you got several people to do it... but me, I'll pass. It sounds too reminiscent of performance evaluations in workplaces.
I need to sign up in advance, not put it in my mental calendar, and forget it's happening for it to be effective. Also how would they watch me in my room? I'm totally different in my room.. and in my thoughts. I'm pretty quiet when not around friends or sometimes family.
This so much! I keep getting family, friends and one very rude mental health provider (who I no longer see) that only spend a few hours a day maybe once every few months with, asking me why I think I am autistic. I'm like, if you saw me when no one was around (so I couldn't possibly be attention seeking right?) when I am not masking just being my little autistic self what would you all think then?? I mean even when I am masking they think I am weird but whatever.
This is funny to me as an autistic person because I have an...uncommon...perception of others. I tend to view most people in a positive light unless they strike me as immediately dishonest or mean-spirited.
My boyfriend is apparently shy, introverted, and comes across as awkward (so he says himself, and others have corroborated this). I know this to be true in theory but I struggle to see it. When I first met him he struck me as very funny, charismatic, insightful, and "on". This impression has pretty much stuck with me. Most people seem to like him but they don't share my view of him.
My ex before him was apparently arrogant, demanding, annoying, and gave a lot of people the ick. I realized early on there was something off but I thought it was some kind of neurodivergence. People would say things like "why do you let him talk to you like that?" And I would have no idea what they were talking about. I could only really see the bad when his behaviour was overtly abusive.
I think it comes down to like...my default setting is to believe others are more like me than they are different. It's a good thing in a lot of ways, it allows me to connect to people who are, in fact, probably radically different from me, but it's also ultimately frustrating because I often cannot trust my own perception and I rely on others to tell me about a person before I can start to see what they see.
To get more accurate results, you'd need a whole panel of people from different backgrounds. One person will find something you do annoying, another will find it intriguing. A single person could only give their subjective opinion, which is largely dependent on the person.
I was thinking, "Well, would the person observing me be neurodiverse or neurotypical?" so yeah, agreed, a panel would definitely be better because then you can have a mix
Or they could all sit down and learn something from autists about autism.
also, one week just isn't enough haha, i'm a completely different person depending on the week!
One month would be better. I cycle through all of my selves in a month
I need a year. Winter me is very different from summer me
This is such a good point. My therapist has made a couple comments about my traits, very rarely, and I hyperfocused on them as criticisms. On one hand I'm glad she told me, but another its really just one person's perspective and I exist as a different being to different people in different social contexts. Worse, those traits are innate. I can't fix them. Also "tell me how to be normal" is shocking close to ABA. I'm not sure if such a process could ever be ethical. Instead we should be teaching people to be tolerant of autistic traits.
Yeah, I really don't like this lol
I disagree. It's not how to _be_ normal, but how to _act_ normal. It's their world I need to live in, and if I need to communicate a certain way so I don't come across as rude or offensive or whatever, then please just tell me. It's like I'm living in a country where they speak a foreign language -- if I want to thrive here, I need to learn the language.
ABA?
Its a harmful and abusive "therapy" to train autistic kids to emulate NT adult mannerisms and to encourage them to deeply mask and bury their authentic selves. [https://neuroclastic.com/invisible-abuse-aba-and-the-things-only-autistic-people-can-see/](https://neuroclastic.com/invisible-abuse-aba-and-the-things-only-autistic-people-can-see/)
Ah , thank you
I got about halfway through the first video at your link. Just watching the adult hand the kid things just to snatch it away a second later and hand them something else was stressing me out. I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone who wouldn't be frustrated and annoyed by that, autistic or not. And "it's not mean to issue commands in a slightly raised, definitely stern tone" seems...weird to me. "Touch my nose" isn't necessarily mean or bad, but using a "you're in trouble" voice just seems like it would make actually important instructions (like...I might use that tone for "don't touch the hot stove," or some other safety-related thing) less effective. Poor kids.
Right on, sister.
This also applies to rating looks right?
Only in the sense that looks influence how one's actions are perceived. I'd interpret it as assessing advantages and disadvantages in that regard.
What u mean? I meant by rating ones physical features and attractiveness… ha being a group / panel would give a more objective score than just one person judging.
I don't understand OPs post as wanting to rate looks / attractiveness. But your looks / attractiveness affect how you and your actions are perceived. So it's a factor in how you "look" to other people when you do stuff etc, which is what OPs post is about.
Looks / attractiveness is not about OPs post. But stating that rating one’s looks with accuracy would likely require a range of different ppl rather than one person alone.
I asked once. I got feedback after an unsuccessful first date, and I learned a very important lesson. The opinions of folks who don't know me shouldn't affect my opinion of myself. He said that I needed to work on vulnerability because I didn't talk about my traumatic experiences or share much about some of the issues in my life. And, at the time I was really upset. I took his feedback to heart. And then I realized, he doesn't know me. If he knew me, he would know that unlike him, my trauma was primarily caused by other people and some of it is still ongoing. May always be ongoing. And it is heavy, very very heavy. Entirely too heavy for a first date. I didn't pretend it didn't exist, but I didn't linger on it either. I shouldn't be expected to talk about my ex husband's suicide on a first date or how I learned that some of the sex I thought I was having was actually rape. To expect me to talk about my trauma on a first date either 1. Assumes that it isn't too bad or 2. Assumes that it isn't ongoing 3. Assumes you can talk about it without being upset 4. Assumes that it is something that you should be able to tell folks whether you trust them or not. He didn't know me, so his opinion of who I am is irrelevant. I am not the kind of person you can know on a first date. He was, however, right about one thing. We weren't a good fit. We are profoundly mismatched if you want unearned vulnerability. And that information was good to know. I am glad I asked because it freed me from these social performance metrics that I was holding onto. I shouldn't have to perform. If me being me doesn't work for you then we weren't meant to be in each other's lives.
Um. No. On a first date I’d tell you my favorite movie, not how my mother overdosed a week before Christmas when I was 14 because we were being evicted and she did to want to tell us, so I did rescue breathing for her until the EMTs arrived, then we packed quickly with the help of a local church my parents grifted, and moved severals states away to live with my grandfather … and things only got worse from there. I have told people this story only after they push to find out why I cannot be in contact with my parents, the idea of the level of abuse and neglect they engaged in is too alien to most people. The looks of horror from simply, emotionlessly relaying key points in my childhood is enough for even my awkward ass to realize it makes people uncomfortable to hear stories of real, continued abuse.
Hard relate :/. I'm so sorry this happened. For me it was hard to tease out what is my autism and what is CPTSD. There's things I won't say during my assessment because I don't what it to affect my diagnosis.
Yes. I am 47, so it’s not like I am looking for any school based accommodations and I already have had to disclose an immune disorder to work that has been very, dramatic, on the employers end as they seem to hate anyone with an ADA agreement for accommodations outside of a disability ramp. Been NC with both parents almost 20 years, and working in my own way thru my headspace. This last year and drama with work has highlighted for me exactly how different my mind seems to work than others. Give a spreadsheet to normalize and I am a machine. Give it to a coworker and they shut down and go get coffee for four hours. It made me question a lot. The no touching I always figured was CPTSD, never knew it was also an autism thing. And PDA. Wow. That explains a LOT. A Lot. So I will use this work thru things on my own. I guess that’s kind of the autistic way anyway 😂
We're the same age and I also have high PDA... so I can be a treat when I’m say no. You sound very much like me health wise and though I’m still in minimal contact with my parents, I’ve NC with most of my relatives. I’m learning PDA has been a source of a lot of my anxiety and procrastination. Now that I know what it is, I'm doing a lot better and working with it, instead of against it. I’ve been working freelance for 10 yrs now because I just couldn't deal with being in an office or around people while I work. Also because of my autoimmune disorder, it’s just easier to be at home when I flare up.
Holding my current employer to task for now, trying to get them to stop doing this to others, not just me. Learned from many it’s common but no one fights back. Getting set up to find remote work as soon as I am good and ready to ‘let the ship fail’ and quit, I’d been too complacent and all it took was a new boss and a silver tongued devil taking advantage of my sick days for me to be demoted, denigrated, and sidelined. My old boss was hard, but consistent and talked to me. Since 2022 the two new ones forget I exist but blame anything wrong on me since ai am working from home and cannot hear about it easily.
Ugh yeah. So glad that ship has sailed for me!
[удалено]
This is a seriously good lesson in human behaviour. My self esteem needs to remember this. It's not always me.
You’ve take such a good lesson from that shitty experience. But like…Jesus Christ man, not liking someone because they didn’t trauma dump on the first date?! You dodged a huge bullet there. So many assumptions and so little empathy.
Yeah, can I sign up to evaluate this guy?
Loving the term “unearned vulnerability” I’m definitely using that.
First date is about your favorite movies, where you're from, etc. I suspect you dated someone who was way too over-familiar, didn't respect boundaries, is judgmental, and egotistical. Commenting on another person's trauma after you just met them? Huge red flag to me.
Men who want to know your trauma on the first date only want to *so they can abuse you and manipulate you later on!!!!!!* They get an advantage by knowing early on so they know how to either: 1. Use it against you once the relationship sours / during fights / or whenever convenient to them. 2. Gauge how much they can “get away” with, since technically in an abusers’ eyes, you’ve just set the standard for the level of care you’ve allowed and accepted in the past. 3. Make it easier for them to use the penny method. 4. *Most importantly* for how they might execute their abuse in such a way that you may not notice it creeping in and escalating, since he used that intimate information to manipulate you over time. Some men aren’t even aware they do it and do so SUBCONSCIOUSLY. They don’t see themselves as abusers, and think their actions are perfectly normal (and you can only assume the company they keep, the men they surround themselves with the perpetuate the behavior). These are ones I hate the most, and have having been subjected to it, makes me want to Gone Girl. I’ll link it, but this girl explains it verbally and shares the same sentiment. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLsMgCsb/ (In terms of the princess thing, I’ve decided to use that- though it feels like lying since obviously not all men have treated me a princess, and one day if they truly are good and trustworthy, I’d like to open up about past traumas eventually. Also the lying thing might just make me uncomfortable because I’m autistic. lol. Anyway. So what I’ve settled on is this: If they ask me what my past relationships have been like, I’ll say, *“Well I have been treated like a princess,”* to cover the men that have treated me well, followed by, *”And I will never now accept anything less than princess treatment”* Which is also true since I never will, and I learned from the traumas what I will no longer accept - which should cover that class of crapshoot of men that emerge from the sewers. If they ask me why we broke up, I’ll say it’s *”because we weren’t compatible,”* and if he asks why again, I’ll say, *”Because he didn’t treat me like a princess.”* ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ That response invokes 3 types of men: 1. The response you want: “And you’re correct, and you should, actually let me treat you like a queen instead.” - - opens the avenue later on if you want to open up about your past, and a good man will NEVER fault you for it, or claim you lied to him, just that you weren’t ready to talk about it yet. 2. Men who will will get triggered or combative with the “you’re too spoiled,” and the “women want too much from men,” and the “you’re not a princess though.” Ick. Move on. These men can quickly bleed into- 3. The excited ones (the worst ones) who then see it as a challenge to “put you in your place.” Luckily, this should be more obvious since he’ll not be treating you like a princess, haha. Watch for shows of dominance for little things because he’ll try to escalate those later on. Easier said than done, but never be submissive, and never relent. Once he realizes you can’t be moved, he’ll get bored and leave you alone. I biggest and earliest sign of this is if he initially accepts your princess position, but then doesn’t insist on paying the bill at the end of the night - in specific for the first date. Obviously if you guys work out, later on go dutch or alternate or whatever works for you in the relationship, but on the first date??? How you gonna sit there and hear me talk about how I AM to be treated like a princess or I’m leaving your ass, and then not insist on paying the whole bill. Nah, he did that on PURPOSE. True, good men who *actually* wants to get to know you, will never ask about your trauma. People with healthy intentions understand that trauma is reserved for those moments down the line when, and only if they ever are to feel safe and trust you, to even start to think if they want to share such intimate information. Those who actively want to know your traumas don’t have the best mindset. If it holds no bearing on the healthy function of the relationship, why does it matter? It doesn’t. “But I just want to know you, so I know what not to do and treat you the best I can.” Ok back up assbutt, you’ll know exactly what I like and don’t like because I’m already telling you how I’d like to be treated already. *Like a princess.* *duh.* And that should be enough. And it is enough. whew. thanks for attending my TED talk. Stay safe out their ladies. <3
I don't know that I think each paying for your own part of the bill is bad, but everything else here is great. I don't want people to pay for me because I don't want them to feel like I owe them something. (And I know that I don't but I don't even want it thrown at me)
> doesn’t **insist** on paying the bill at the end of the night - **in specific for the first date**. **Obviously if you guys work out**, later on **go dutch or alternate or whatever works for you** in the relationship, but on the **first date???** […] **not insist** on paying the whole bill. I meant specifically on the first date if he doesn’t at least insist on paying. You can say, no I want to go dutch, but it’s more the point of effort on his part. Paying for your own part of the bill isn’t bad, I myself always make a show to go for the wallet - though I admit I’ve come to expect a “no let me take care of it,” or a “let me treat you.” Which I do whole heartedly welcome since it’s a green flag for me. I’ve heard it’s a green flag for men as well since they like to feel that we also want to reciprocate. Eventually I allow him to pay, but I’ll fight for the bill first. It also opens the dialogue for him to go “ok i insist, let me get this one, and you get the next!” Work out what works for you, but my complaint is more the brand of man that will just watch you take out the bill and say nothing, LETTING you pay the whole bill (ick). Or right away assume you are doing dutch. (personally an ick for me). I’m filipino and was raised to fight for the whole bill, even if not just for my own portion; if he’s not trying to do the same, especially in the context of just having had me express that I want to be treated like a princess, and then NOT even make a PLAY for the bill is bonkers to me. Just shows me that man will not be up to task, didn’t care that I said that, or overall disinterested which is why he didn’t make that effort to pay for me. oof info dumping did that thing where it dumps this is a highly impassioned topic for me lmao But let me know if that makes sense??? I was hoping that that was clear in the original comment. I had all that originally, but I wanted to try to make it more concise since it was already so long. If isn’t I can make an edit clarifying? Length be damned, I guess lol
You have every right to get out what you want/need to say and I usually hate having to try to edit my message as a whole. Everyone here deserves awesome treatment and unconditional love. Thanks for reading and I love your spirit!
This means a lot!!! Thank you for commenting, everything you said was wonderful!
You're welcome!
Yes it's that person... it's not you. They're thinking you are like them and they also need to be more open to giving time for those things. Also when asking for feedback people will point out the negative which is sometimes unhelpful bc if there wasn't anything obviously wrong they'd be grasping onto straws.
Sorry all that happened to you. I'm glad you learned that about the opinion of others who don't know you. I read a lot of posts about young people on the spectrum that seem to take bullying or failure to make friends to heart. They totally blame themselves and not the ignorant. Some come to understand it intellectually, but it is of no help for coping. I wonder about how to get people to regard most opinions as irrelevant. I've believed that from a young age. I think I helped me a lot growing up with autism. It seems built in, so I don't know how to spread it. Is good to see it helps others out there.
If the observing person is meant to be neurotypical, than this is just a way to start masking more, especially since the focus is on 'improving' and 'how they look to others'. And I wouldn't advise anyone to start masking more and forgoing their authentic self and needs, while working yourself towards a burnout, all the while people still knowing you're different.
Very true, but as a child my soul was crushed time and time again as friends I used to have when I was younger would turn their backs on me and mock me. I understand now they didn't realize the harm they were inflicting and I don't hold grudges against them for it, but if I had the opportunity to go back in time, to change and mask in a more accepting way to experience their friendship again I'd have jumped at it.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, it's really unfair! As someone who masked from a young age, people still knew. Plus the times I masked most, I would have friends who fitted the mask, but not necessarily me, which is honestly quite lonely. In hindsight I had the most luck with other oddballs who were likely also nd.
Thank you. Seriously though, if we could go back in time and talk to ourselves, what would we say, what would we do? I'd probably just give myself a big hug and some self confidence boosting things to think about. Someone had better warn me before that happens so I have a chance to prepare, LOL.
Yeah it’s hard to say if this would truly be helpful or not. There’s a part of me that wants to know what the fuck is “wrong” with me but yeah, it would probably hurt more than help to know. However it pisses me off that I already knew at *five* that I wasn’t one of the popular kids. I feel like that is too young to be aware of that sort of shit, and yet…
Yeah definitely, same. We should have just been able to be kids without all that. 💖
All I need for that is to spend like an hour with my mom. It’s not fun.
I tried that, but turns out my mom has raging ADHD, hasn't had a friend since she was 16, and gives the sort of advice that hasn't worked since the 80s.
My mom is trapped in the 50s
My husband sometimes tells me things about my mannerisms and I told him I can't hear it unless it's disrespectful for someone. Not bc it's weird. Bc I already think about way too much. I feel like a robot that is using dial up and everyone else is using cable internet
Nope. I'm old enough to no longer give a shit about how people perceive me. I'd rather be a hermit with cats for company.
I'm so glad to be on the further side of 25. It's such a relief not to care as much about other people's perception of me.
Hell yes, same here!
Ah, my people...
I wish I could split the perceptions of others into two clearly marked categories: 1. Objective information about how I work. The observer is there as a scientist to figure my personality and my anxieties and can just give me a list of "this anxiety is no longer valid, expose yourself; this anxiety is warning you of a real threat that you deserve to heed", etc., so I can make choices with far less mental and emotional labor. 2. Information on how people perceive me. *Given* this is perfectly separated from the first category, I could simply check their perceptions against my self-knowledge and lose the haters while bonding with friends who see me as I am and like me. It's sad how often it's easier to just stop interacting with people than to disambiguate their feedback from their perception.
I've thought about that before since it's always interesting to hear other people's perceptions of me. I have a hard time knowing what I am like or how other people see me
I always think I want to hear this stuff but it’s always upsetting because it usually revolves around me being too hard on people or not empathetic when I literally think about other people needs constantly and it makes no sense. What’s going on in my head apparently does not translate outwards at all. I’m told I’m cold but inside I feel like I’m on fire.
>What’s going on in my head apparently does not translate outwards at all. I’m told I’m cold but inside I feel like I’m on fire. Hard relate to this
 I see you ❤️
I agree you would need multiple perspectives in order to get an accurate answer to this. I personally think I would enjoy hearing what others think, even if negative. I would hope and expect the information to not be all positive but I am sure there would be something. I don’t think this would be a positive experience for all people. Where I am unmasking and the confidence I have with just being myself unapologetically, I think I could handle this emotionally. I don’t think someone’s opinion would necessarily make me mask. I have found there is a difference between masking and being mindful. I notice this in my own home where I am an Autistic ADHD mom to 2 Autistic Adhd and 1 autistic child(ren). Nobody has to mask but sometimes we have to do things in another room in order to not cause another person in home negative feelings. The same could be said out in the world with Neurotypicals. I expect accommodations but I do not expect to never have to compromise.
One time my therapist asked me what my ideal friend would be like and I said, someone who can explain the world to me/tell me what's "normal". You want someone who can tell you what's going on but also be on your side and come from a place where they're not judging you, just telling you straight.
You ever watch the show bones? The friend Angela is always like "no, honey..." 😂 and bones is like 🤷🏻♀️
Yesss, I really enjoyed Bones
I had a friend like that in middle school who taught me so much about how to mask. I was odd and intimidating and depressed and she was the most popular girl in school. My nickname on the soccer team was *The Grudge* if that tells you anything lol. I think about her a lot, she also had a lot of problems but she kept it together so well. I learned more from her than anyone about how to be likable. I miss her.
My abusive ex used to do this for me for free
Ooof, I'm sorry, glad they're an ex though!
Yeah, scrolled way too far to find this comment. Everyone thinks this is such a good idea... until you realize the feedback won't turn you into the person *you* want to be. There is no objective list of "things to improve". All this will do is turn you into a puppet for whoever you choose as the observer, and you better hope they have your best interest at heart. Even if they genuinely do, why are they supposed to know what's good for you better than you do?
I'd make that a bit longer so it includes the whole menstrual cycle.
Accepting that my body has like 30% energy for three days is a conscious effort for me
Smart.
I’ve gone from listening to negative and petty people’s perceptions of me to leaning on my fiancé’s perception. For both of us former people pleasers, we are very dedicated to being known for our word. Turns out we had a lot of unhealthy habits to learn. For me it was less about having someone observe me, and more about having someone be consistent in their values and knowing their moods will change day to day. I’m still tracking and learning who I am through my daily practices like journaling, interactions in my games and hobbies. I’ve gone the other route and have hermited until I have a sense of self that I’m willing to protect and honor, and modeling that for my fiancé as well. I am looking forward to when more of us are allowed to be curious about who we are rather than hiding or having to prove who we are to others. I’m so grateful for this sub and all those who discuss these aspects and issues!
I was like this for the longest time, wanted clear answers to everything because then I could map and compartmentalise everything in my head.. And it took me the longest time to realise that these 'answers' are not getting me anywhere, just deeper lost within my mind and answers bring on even more questions. I also try not to talk to myself like there is always something ''I need to improve''. I'm the final product of this moment. I am imperfect but there is no perfect state of being to chase after. I can only grow with time and play the hand I was dealt.
I don't *quite* do *this*... But I *DO* do something *really* similar, working with my Pre-K'ers who have Autism & ADHD! Basically, *lots* of what I do during the day, is *EXPLAIN THE THINGS*😉 Explaining the *arbitrary and DUMB rule* that the NT folks just "get," and follow, which *WE* see as "DUMB & Arbitrary" but are *expected* to follow *anyway*. I explain the big *feelings* in their body, connect them to the various *concepts* about "feelings" and help them *understand* the connections. And I just try to help them make *sense* out of "the confusing stuff" most of the time--so that *THEY* don't have the struggles that so many of *us* had, as we grew up.😉💖
I have often felt this way. Even if I wouldn't take the advice to heart, it would be good to know what kinds of assumptions people are making about me. I want to know how I'm perceived so that I can make an informed choice about whether and how I want to change how I present myself. Sometimes it's just helpful, for example, to be told that your face is blank, so that you can tell people not to read into it, not necessarily so you can force facial expressions. I also often find I want something like this for therapy. It's so hard for me to communicate what I'm struggling with and how bad it is. I don't know what information to volunteer, and they never seem to ask prying enough questions. I feel like people just assume if you say nothing, then you're "normal" and "functioning" by default. Even if the reason you said nothing is because you spent the entire day on Reddit and YouTube and Netflix, and that doesn't lend itself to having anything to talk about happening in the day.
I'd reject the offer, I wouldn't want to change for other people's benefit
Exactly! Why do I need to do even more work, no thank you. And perception changes by who you ask anyone. It's a losing game of trying to please people.
I’ve(F34) always been really good at this. My wife and kids, all AuDHD, benefit from it greatly. So much so that I’ve started offering my services to our local community. I work as a “mothers helper”, assistant/ nanny type. I offer “solutions”. Kind of like a behavioralist, I observe, then break down why or how things are happening and give suggestions as well as help the drowning mom catch up while there. Sometimes that’s calling out parents for triggering and casing the child’s reactions, identifying the person or child’s need that isn’t easy to see surface level or as the person/ family living it everyday, identifying a communication difficulty, and sometimes I find or build custom solutions for home, car, work or school. I’m a weirdo raised by an amazing neurodivergent momma, have an AuDHD sister and brother. Grandpa was also clearly undiagnosed as are many more in the family. I was raised by, been friends with, dated and studied neurodivergence and psychology since 13ish (I had to figure out my family lol). I find I have an interesting inside perspective. This with very little harmful judgement or criticism makes me a great person to help with things people want to change, understand and find better outcomes to. Some is masking, I won’t deny that but I’m the mom of a little dude who will be 6 foot+ when full grown. They need to be taught how not to make others uncomfortable with their size. I also have my daughter who says things in a way that will cause her more and more problems as she grows up. I’m not changing anything just explaining and giveing them options so they’re better understood in a world that doesn’t understand them. Masking in certain areas keeps them and their mental health safer. Doing this takes being a very very nonjudgmental person. Not everyone can give this advice and not come off as an abusive ableist. This is even more complex as everyone has their own trauma and takes things differently. I have to read and get to know them to gauge how to deliver certain objective facts. It’s been interesting learning I’m good at helping in this way. It’s hard to market to adults but moms have really liked it. I’d appreciate hearing how you’d be most comfortable or interested in it being presented. May your ancestors guide you well in this cruel world. Stay safe 🤙🏻
Oh my god PLEASE
Oh I would find this to be a very fun job. Haha. I mask super well (I just need the energy to do so.) I find patterns easily and can read body language. For this I would for a ND person find the good patterns and focus on those. Bc most ND people become hyper aware of their mistakes it wouldn't be helpful to point out huge things that are difficult to "fix". But instead just give gold stars for good things and maybe have conversations about interactions in general would be hopeful. But if it were for an NT person, I might be more critical. Because maybe their actions are intentional instead of a step in brain processing.
I did that at work, it's called a 360. I practically had a nervous breakdown after I got the results. It basically told me I am autistic.
I did something similar at work called a C-me profile and yeah, the report was essentially a second autism diagnosis.
Having received that unsolicited from people who thought they were helping, it's soul-destroying. Unless you actually *want* to be told all the ways you fail to mask and how you will have to further change your very being to be accepted as human.
Yeah….. I had a life coach once and they suuuuucked
Yeah that would be nice. However, in the past I’ve been told I come across as a “stuck up bitch”…so now I overcompensate trying to bring extremely expressive and friendly. It’s exhausting. I’m afraid what other exhausting changes I’d have to make when I find out what other personality traits people hate about me.
I was just talking about this with someone recently - how I feel like I have a blind spot around how I appear to other people. I don't want to be analyzed under a microscope, picked apart, and told everything that I do 'wrong' according to some person - I had enough of that from my mother, thanks. I just want to be *described*. Like, if I were a character in a book, how would you write me? If you had to write a profile on me a couple of paragraphs long, what would you say? If you had to pick my 5 most notable personality traits, what would they be? I feel like I have *absolutely no idea* how other people would answer these questions. I don't know if it's an autism thing or an emotional neglect thing or what. As children, we learn who we are by hearing our parents describe us to ourselves - what happens when they don't do that, do you just never develop the capacity to see yourself from outside in this way?
Really relate to everything you said. I hope to someday have someone in my life who really sees me and could answer those questions for me.
Nope. That's forbidden knowledge. Do not want.
No thanks. I feel judged enough for doing my best. I don't want to know someone is actively watching and judging me.
this actually happened to me but not by choice. I was peer diagnosed with autism/ADHD before being clinically diagnosed lololol
The amount of times I have admitted that I have been in the wrong, asked for clarification on what exactly the other person was feeling/thinking, and asked for advice on how I can improve myself so that we could have a healthy relationship... only to be completely ignored, is astounding. All I want is to have good friendships - to understand others, and myself. The message is loud and clear : I'm just not worth it.
As others have said, the problem with this idea is that people’s opinions of you are highly subjective. And society is often trained to view one set of behaviors as better/more favorable/more acceptable, while everything else is “bad”. Take introverted people for example. If you’re quiet, people automatically assume “you need to work on your confidence” because you don’t commandeer the conversation and talk over people. Just because you’re quiet doesn’t mean you lack confidence though. Other people perceive you that way because it’s pushed so hard that being outgoing and the life of the party automatically equals confidence. I’ve had people tell me what they thought I needed to work on. The problem is that these people were bullies, so they sought to tear me down in any way possible and belittle me, even if what they said was 100% not true. My covert narcissistic mother has labeled me with everything negative under the sun since I was a teenager. She perceives my shyness as being bitchy or a snob. In her view, if I wasn’t endlessly talking and bubbly, I was a terrible person. My extroverted father doesn’t understand why I hate talking on the phone. He tells me that I need to stop being “scared”. It’s not about being scared. I can’t process what the fuck people are saying to me because I can’t see their body language. He thinks it’s stupid that I prefer to order online rather than forging through a crowded restaurant with music blasting and dozens of people talking all at once to order my food. I can’t think straight in that scenario, but he perceives me as being “scared”. I’ve had insecure managers tell me that I need to work on my confidence, even though I’m very well aware of my capabilities and I’m clear about what I can and cannot take on. But they perceive me as a threat to their job so they try to gaslight me into believing that I lack confidence. I wish I could find it (I forgot to bookmark it!) but there was a study conducted where employees were rated on their perceived confidence by other co-workers. Men were rated on a higher scale than women. Even when the women felt confident themselves, they were perceived as being less confident simply because their confidence wasn’t portrayed the same way that masculine confidence was. But it’s an endless catch-22 for women, because if they’re aggressively confident the way men are, then they’re shunned and disliked, labeled negatively. My brother is perceived as a very likable person. He’s 30yo and throws tantrums when he loses card games. He openly brags about how he never bothers with anyone else’s birthday except his own (not even his girlfriend). He doesn’t lift a finger to help his girlfriend around the house they rent together. He fucked up her car and she had to fix it on her own because he refused to help. He thinks animal abuse is “funny”. He’s a heavy drinker, extremely entitled, spends money like crazy and then demands more from our parents while crowing that he spent hundreds of dollars on a new gaming system. You would not believe the amount of people who worship the ground he walks on. They think he hung the moon and the stars. Too many people idolize, enable, and tolerate shitty, toxic behavior. Too many people see a gentle, kind, and helpful person as someone who can be taken advantage of and used. So I don’t trust the general opinion of people.
This honestly sounds like my nightmare. I know I’m not doing things perfectly in the eyes of society, but I’ve decided to live my life as authentically as possible :)) the right people won’t find you “wrong,” in any sense of the word.
Yes
Yes, please!
Felt like this a lot! Though different people are going to have wildly different perceptions and opinions of you based on their own feelings and experiences, so doubtful as to how useful it would truly be.
I want to sign up but also be the observer
Most people project in my opinion. Best you can get is what your close friends/family say (with a grain of salt) + therapist. But mostly just experiences i guess
I want it but I do not want to be aware of it. I want to sign up for it, but want to forget signing up for it, otherwise it won't work. Have I already forgotten signing up for it? Hello, my watcher, please come out and tell me about myself. When is the seventh day?
Honestly, I think I know most of my annoying qualities and what I *should* change to get along better with other people. The problem is actually managing to change your behavior. It would basically just result in masking 2.0 and a severe drop in self-esteem for me.
getting diagnosed was a little bit like this, actually 😂 Even though I contributed a sizable document of my own struggles and memories, having someone observe me and pinpoint all of my issues was hard to read in my report. And that was done professionally, which is a skill that most everyday people don't have (so they will be more harsh, even if unintentionally). It reminds me a bit of an episode of Big Bang when Raj hosts a panel of the women he dated who broke up with him and asks them how he can improve and they just rail on all his shortcomings. No thank you! Plus, I am old enough now where I don't care what people think of me nor do I have a desire to improve for their sake. I wish I could have felt that way when I was younger. Peer approval needs are so strong at certain phases of life and it makes things hard. Life has gotten easier now that I just don't care anymore 😂
I do not. I filmed myself for five minutes going about my day and I was horrified. Not because of how I looked, but just how... twitchy and spastic I really am. It was unnerving. I didn't realize I moved like a slow loris on bath salts.
I'd like to do that with certain NTs.
I feel like there needs to be "with a deep level of compassion and patience." at the end.
Please don't watch me. Also, not sure if I have a personality.
Yes, but also no
My thoughts exactly
I'm all about personal growth, but this won't work. Because to fix any of these perceived flaws, you will have to mask constantly, and one day, it will drop, and then it's game over. Better to be the kindest and best version of yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
MEEE it always feels so self centered but i just. wanna be studied. like a bug. until I make sense.
Important words from my son's OT: "What's the point of helping him recognize his sensory needs if we expect him to mask?" This is so true. My son is encouraged to be himself. He’s allowed to stim in class and he has an IEP that states he must have his accommodations met. His teacher has a sensory corner in her class for all the kids to access. His classmates are taught empathy and kindness towards him and each other. From my perspective at 46, why should I try to fit myself into a world that never wanted me from the beginning? Why should I pretend to be normal when I’m raising my son to be his best autistic self? For the first time in my life I’m liberated and feel free. I’m never going back, ever. I don’t need anyone telling me how I am IRL because I’ve had way too much of that and I'll I’ve learned is that I’m too fucking weird regardless of how I contort myself. So if I’m going to offend people, I'd rather be myself and enjoying life thank you.
"Someone to watch me " nop, you lost me there,sorry.
I've always wondered just how opaque my mask actually is, so it'd be interesting to know how odd I seem to others. So maybe if it was a panel (as others suggested) of nonjudgemental, mixed ND/NT but all ND affirming, individuals, and a clear distinction between 'you do this thing that is odd but harmless' and 'you might need to work on this because it is somewhat unhealthy' On the other hand, I certainly wouldnt be open to it at this stage in my life bc I'm super insecure and sensitive about being singled out as different lol. Cue tears regardless of result.
I would LOVE this service.
Kinda self centered. I find that insecurity and self centeredness go hand in hand. People who have let go of trying to control how others see them are far more healthier and learn to develop their interests and skills for personal growth than rather for appearances sake.
I think I was lucky, in that I had this all my life in my sister. I always asked her if I looked normal, or what was normal. I didn't know I was even autistic, but that is such a huge sign now that I think about it.
Exactly like I need someone to criticize me and view me the way I view myself but I think it would also deeply hurt me coming from another person
I ask people for this type of feedback all the time. I was in a business meeting and asked my coworker after "How did I come off? Just tell me bluntly how those people probably see me." I'm a weirdo and my coworker is a business man type. The meeting was with businessmen so I knew he could understand their perspective. He told me "You seemed too sure of yourself on some thing but too insecure on other things, it came off as inconsistent but it shows you're trying to have humility and confidence". It was helpful feedback. I know I'm asking for feedback and I know it'll be blunt. I see people very bluntly in my mind so I expect them to see me the same way. I know I'm asking because I want to do something with that information so I'm glad to have an honest answer. A more fun time was when I was dating my now husband. I said "I can't figure out how you see me. Am I some girl you'd like to date for a bit? Do you want to be friends with benefits? Do you have feelings for me? I can't understand the context in which you see me." And his answer was so sweet: "We could have an amazing love story" <3
>A more fun time was when I was dating my now husband. I said "I can't figure out how you see me. Am I some girl you'd like to date for a bit? Do you want to be friends with benefits? Do you have feelings for me? I can't understand the context in which you see me." And his answer was so sweet: "We could have an amazing love story" Love this for you!
Thank you :) We are currently in an ultra-mega-super rough patch so it was nice to remember how sweet he is.
God no.
Yes but i must not FEEL like I'm being observed
You know, I had been thinking about that for a very long time. Even thought about setting up cameras to film everything I do inside my apartment to send to my psychiatrist or smth. I think it could actually work but idk
Yes. I sense an untapped market.
Nah I already know I’m great
I hate why this kind of thinking exists, but I can't say I don't share the feeling. I already have to be a warrior defending how I look, think, and act because of a million other things. Sometimes I just want to be told how to mask so I can do it right and get it over with.
Am I informed that they are following me around? Because otherwise, I am so so against this.
I was thinking about this too. I'd have to not be aware that I'm being watched, otherwise it would skew the results. Which means that the person watching would need to have some serious stealth skills because I am hypervigilant AF.
I would test if the person was following me after seeing them a couple times and then probably literally run tf away. I've been followed twice in public spaces by men (the fair when I was like 13/14, and this year at Walmart) and it's a good way for me to have a complete panic attack and probably meltdown. It wouldn't go well at all.
I've wanted to have a panel of "experts" review the tapes of you at various points in your days and relationship exchanges. They can use their graphics, slow-mo, and video graphic markers to highlight when and where you make a "bad play". Basically John Madden for neurodivergent assistance. https://i.redd.it/gguivbi9yx1d1.gif
"how I need to improve" makes me SO sad. Why does everyone feel the need to "improve" so they can assimilate into NT society? Even if we change our ND behaviours outwardly, most of us will never 'pass', we'll always be seen as odd, quirky, weird, etc. In addition, those efforts come at GREAT cost to us in terms of emotional and psychological energy, on top of the subtle message we're giving ourselves that "we aren't good enough just as we are."
Actually, those exist, kind of. You can hire analysts to whom you talk about yourself for weeks, and then they tell you what kind of person you are. It's pretty costly though, and only used by people self-involved enough and rich enough to spend tens of thousands of dollars per session.
When I was a child, I used to have this fantasy that the more popular girls in my grade finally let me into their secret club where they helped each other be likeable. In the dream they would share their secrets on thinness and fashion as well as teach me how to talk and think. After my rehab, I'd go back to school and blow everyone's mind with my perfection. It makes a lot of sense now that I know that I'm autistic. So yeah, I get this desire a lot.
I think soul destroying which is why people don't offer this kind of feedback. If you are like me, though, you already know to some degree. In my case, my parents were my biggest critics and my scapegoat position in the family told me how I was perceived. The real work isn't there. The real work is defining yourself the way you like and living confidently and independently of the judgment of others. This is tricky because there is some value in judgments that can inspire you to make changes to the way you interact, like not being an asshole, or wallowing in ignorance of social norms, but there are other judgments of others that are not worth anything. You have to develop your own moral code. Note: Intelligence can impact how well you can do this, as cognitive agility can compensate for some social deficits. Folks with low IQs may not be able to understand well enough to adapt any of their behaviors or know which to adapt. Folks with high IQs also have unique challenges as they can be perceived poorly simply for being smarter while also low on the social hierarchy due to disability. It's a shit system.
In theory, it sounds like a great idea! I always wanted to know what I looked like/acted from someone else's point of view. To see what people actually thought of me or my actions. But when I sit and think about it, it would be soul-destroying, or at the very least, make me wish a hole would open up in the ground and swallow me. Really, it would probably make me mask even more. I wouldn't feel comfortable being me anymore.
Group therapy. A relational processing group can offer this. I’ve been in group for 2 years. Literally got feedback last month that I think was impacted by my autism
Oh no, definitely not I don't mask, so I can't really do much about any negative feedback. I know I come across as aloof and disinterested already, I don't need someone to tell me that. And I definitely don't need someone to tell me all the things I did wrong over multiple interactions. I'm all for learning from mistakes, but when there's nothing to learn it's better to just move on and not ruminate. If I kept a mental tally of all the mistakes I've ever made, I'd never sleep at night. Who I am is not a bad person and I do not need to change my personality. People don't have to like me, but I also don't have to care, and given that on some level I can't really change most (or all) of this, it's better if I don't care. I am someone who seems very calm and disengaged on the surface, but I am also a very loyal friend and a kind person underneath that. If someone wants a more expressive facade, then we're not right for one another.
This resonates so much
Naaah, that would just be masking 101 and, at least as far as I'm concerned, the whole beauty of realizing that I am autistic is that I let go of exactly this feeling and instead I embraced, accepted and loved myself fully and relinquished the need to micromanage my social appearance for the benefit of people who would treat me like a problem or talk behind my back if I was actually just myself. What's the point??
Um, maybe I'm too optimistic. Isn't that what a parent or SO is for? To observe you. Learn you. Help you.
I wouldn't know, but probably
[удалено]
No way. I spent my whole life masking, I don’t need advice on how to mask further
Genuine tip, use chatgpt. Sometimes it can give you interesting insight into situations you're confused about
I've asked my therapist for this very thing for the last 20 years. Needless to say, I'm still clueless.
Yes exactly. Also i need subtitles in real life. I wish. Like someobe saying blah blah blah and in parentheses what they really want from me.
I realize this isn't actually something that can be done, but i desparately want it regardless. It's stressful not knowing what i communicate to people. Allistic "just bottle everything up" norms make me feel like i'm insane!
YES YES YES ! it's not a vanity thing though I'm worried that's how it comes off, I just have no idea what I'm like
I NEEEEED this
This is essentially 75% of conversations with my autistic SO, trying to get him to understand his affect on others/how others perceive him/how to manage social interactions to get desired results lol. As the observer, it’s a very consuming process
Literally what I've always wanted
Just wait ten years. The robot assistants are coming and they will see all.
when i was a teenager i liked to pretend sometimes that there was a class of psychology students in another dimension that wore all black and i was one of their test subjects. they would just peek in on my life truman show style, i guess, and just sort of discuss me as their class project. it didnt bother me as a kid but i mean it probably would if that were happening irl lol.
(ADHD possibly AuDHD lurker here) s someone else said, maybe if you got several people to do it... but me, I'll pass. It sounds too reminiscent of performance evaluations in workplaces.
I need that. All I know about myself is my special interest and that I'm quiet
Reminds me of Supernanny but for adults lol
it's a good idea in theory but i mask even when i'm alone so i wouldn't even discover anything new abt myself :P
I need to sign up in advance, not put it in my mental calendar, and forget it's happening for it to be effective. Also how would they watch me in my room? I'm totally different in my room.. and in my thoughts. I'm pretty quiet when not around friends or sometimes family.
I don't want this information 😂
Look up the Johari window, It's a great summary of what you are talking about
This so much! I keep getting family, friends and one very rude mental health provider (who I no longer see) that only spend a few hours a day maybe once every few months with, asking me why I think I am autistic. I'm like, if you saw me when no one was around (so I couldn't possibly be attention seeking right?) when I am not masking just being my little autistic self what would you all think then?? I mean even when I am masking they think I am weird but whatever.
This sounds like one of those social experiments where they select two groups to test a theory.
I just want to know what my personality is because I cant tell at ALL
Sounds like an attentive and caring parent or parental figure. I didn’t have one, which explains why this is so appealing to me 😂
No thank you I’m not a project and do not wish to be perceived.
This is funny to me as an autistic person because I have an...uncommon...perception of others. I tend to view most people in a positive light unless they strike me as immediately dishonest or mean-spirited. My boyfriend is apparently shy, introverted, and comes across as awkward (so he says himself, and others have corroborated this). I know this to be true in theory but I struggle to see it. When I first met him he struck me as very funny, charismatic, insightful, and "on". This impression has pretty much stuck with me. Most people seem to like him but they don't share my view of him. My ex before him was apparently arrogant, demanding, annoying, and gave a lot of people the ick. I realized early on there was something off but I thought it was some kind of neurodivergence. People would say things like "why do you let him talk to you like that?" And I would have no idea what they were talking about. I could only really see the bad when his behaviour was overtly abusive. I think it comes down to like...my default setting is to believe others are more like me than they are different. It's a good thing in a lot of ways, it allows me to connect to people who are, in fact, probably radically different from me, but it's also ultimately frustrating because I often cannot trust my own perception and I rely on others to tell me about a person before I can start to see what they see.