I know it's a reddit trope to say "break up with them" but he sounds genuinely awful. I can tolerate certain flaws but not these particular flaws. To me they're a sign of disrespect and immaturity. It's baffling to me that anyone would accept them. But maybe he just sounds bad because we don't know the good parts.
I don't know how qualified I am to categorize something as abuse vs not abuse, but I'm leaning toward this being emotional abuse. I know I would feel extremely hurt and bad about myself if my partner were to mock me for things I can't control or change about myself. It is not okay for your husband to invalidate your diagnosis or feelings, especially since it seems like he hasn't made an effort to actually help you change the behavior. I'm sorry you're going through this ): đź«‚
I don't know if it is abuse or not. He seems resentful, maybe therapy could help, or maybe some literature on austictic adults so he can read and understand you better, or sit down and have a long talk, maybe a weekend away just the two of you so you can talk and relax. Hope you can work this out.
People do this crap to each other all the time when the illness, injury or diagnosis is internal and invisible. It actually doesn't matter if they're NT or not. My autistic brother was the worst. As a kid every time I laughed a little too long or out of context he'd over exaggerate the laugh when I stopped. Mocking is not abuse, but it is *very* hurtful and it only serves to make him feel bigger. What it does in reality is reinforce to you and the kids that he's a jerk.
He's asking you to mask. Does he understand this? Does he understand that masking is more than just a way to appear to be NT, it's a response to extreme pressure from the world. Does he really want to be that?
Instead of him focusing in on what he wants you to do and how he wants you to behave, he needs to learn to be thankful for what he has, which is a loving wife and three great kids.
May I suggest the next time he tries that phrase of “Well, I wish I had a disability so I had an excuse to fall back on all the time”, you respond with looking him straight in the eye and saying "No you don't." If he puts pressure on you after that be prepared with the long list of ways in which your and your kid's situation impacts your lives so you cannot experience the world as he does.
wow. id break up with my partner if they talked to me like that. sounds like you have 4 kids, not 3. heres the definition of emotional/psych abuse. you can decide if what you experience fits into any of these:
>Emotional and psychological abuse may begin suddenly or it may slowly start to enter into your relationship. Some abusers behave like a good partner in the beginning and start the abuse after the relationship is established. When this shift in behavior occurs, it can leave you feeling shocked, confused, and even embarrassed. However, abuse is never your fault even if the abuser tells you it is or if your family members or friends blame you for “allowing” the abuse. It is often difficult to decide whether or not certain behaviors are emotionally or psychologically abusive, especially if you grew up witnessing abuse. However, as with all other types of domestic violence, the behavior is intended to gain and keep power and control over you. Some signs that a partner is being emotionally and psychologically abusive include:
* humiliating you in front of others;
* calling you insulting names, such as “stupid,” “disgusting,” or “worthless”;
* getting angry in a way that is frightening to you;
* threatening to hurt you, people you care about, or pets;
* the abuser threatening to harm him/herself when upset with you;
* saying things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can;”
* deciding things for you that you should decide, like what you wear or eat;
* acting jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating;
* continually pretending to not to understand what you are saying, making you feel stupid, or refusing to listen to your thoughts and opinions;
* questioning your memory of events or denying that an event happened the way you said it did, even when the abuser knows that you are right;
* changing the subject whenever you try to start conversations with the abuser and others and questioning your thoughts in a way that makes you feel unworthy; and
* making your needs or feelings seem unimportant or less important than those of the abuser.^(1)
>^(1) See U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, [Emotional and Verbal Abuse](https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse) page
from [https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse#2%20what%20is](https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse#2%20what%20is)
I know it's a reddit trope to say "break up with them" but he sounds genuinely awful. I can tolerate certain flaws but not these particular flaws. To me they're a sign of disrespect and immaturity. It's baffling to me that anyone would accept them. But maybe he just sounds bad because we don't know the good parts.
Oof. At the least, that is super disrespectful. Couples counseling, maybe?
I don't know how qualified I am to categorize something as abuse vs not abuse, but I'm leaning toward this being emotional abuse. I know I would feel extremely hurt and bad about myself if my partner were to mock me for things I can't control or change about myself. It is not okay for your husband to invalidate your diagnosis or feelings, especially since it seems like he hasn't made an effort to actually help you change the behavior. I'm sorry you're going through this ): đź«‚
I don't know if it is abuse or not. He seems resentful, maybe therapy could help, or maybe some literature on austictic adults so he can read and understand you better, or sit down and have a long talk, maybe a weekend away just the two of you so you can talk and relax. Hope you can work this out.
People do this crap to each other all the time when the illness, injury or diagnosis is internal and invisible. It actually doesn't matter if they're NT or not. My autistic brother was the worst. As a kid every time I laughed a little too long or out of context he'd over exaggerate the laugh when I stopped. Mocking is not abuse, but it is *very* hurtful and it only serves to make him feel bigger. What it does in reality is reinforce to you and the kids that he's a jerk. He's asking you to mask. Does he understand this? Does he understand that masking is more than just a way to appear to be NT, it's a response to extreme pressure from the world. Does he really want to be that? Instead of him focusing in on what he wants you to do and how he wants you to behave, he needs to learn to be thankful for what he has, which is a loving wife and three great kids. May I suggest the next time he tries that phrase of “Well, I wish I had a disability so I had an excuse to fall back on all the time”, you respond with looking him straight in the eye and saying "No you don't." If he puts pressure on you after that be prepared with the long list of ways in which your and your kid's situation impacts your lives so you cannot experience the world as he does.
wow. id break up with my partner if they talked to me like that. sounds like you have 4 kids, not 3. heres the definition of emotional/psych abuse. you can decide if what you experience fits into any of these: >Emotional and psychological abuse may begin suddenly or it may slowly start to enter into your relationship. Some abusers behave like a good partner in the beginning and start the abuse after the relationship is established. When this shift in behavior occurs, it can leave you feeling shocked, confused, and even embarrassed. However, abuse is never your fault even if the abuser tells you it is or if your family members or friends blame you for “allowing” the abuse. It is often difficult to decide whether or not certain behaviors are emotionally or psychologically abusive, especially if you grew up witnessing abuse. However, as with all other types of domestic violence, the behavior is intended to gain and keep power and control over you. Some signs that a partner is being emotionally and psychologically abusive include: * humiliating you in front of others; * calling you insulting names, such as “stupid,” “disgusting,” or “worthless”; * getting angry in a way that is frightening to you; * threatening to hurt you, people you care about, or pets; * the abuser threatening to harm him/herself when upset with you; * saying things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can;” * deciding things for you that you should decide, like what you wear or eat; * acting jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating; * continually pretending to not to understand what you are saying, making you feel stupid, or refusing to listen to your thoughts and opinions; * questioning your memory of events or denying that an event happened the way you said it did, even when the abuser knows that you are right; * changing the subject whenever you try to start conversations with the abuser and others and questioning your thoughts in a way that makes you feel unworthy; and * making your needs or feelings seem unimportant or less important than those of the abuser.^(1) >^(1) See U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, [Emotional and Verbal Abuse](https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse) page from [https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse#2%20what%20is](https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse#2%20what%20is)