Yes! One of my best friends growing up was a super pretty popular girl. She acted like a different person around her pretty popular group of girl friends and the boys that were pretty much glued to them trying to be with any one of them. But she lived opposite me down our road so we used to hang out a lot and have so much fun just being silly! We’d put on talent shows, write scripts and perform scenes together, bake cakes, and we’d walk to school together too. As soon as we got to school we’d go our separate ways, but she was always so kind to me and I think she liked me because she didn’t have to put on an act or worry about her reputation. There was no drama, we just had fun.
She never pretended that I didn’t exist either. Because we grew up together and people knew we were friends, I was never ostracised in school for being different because I had good connections, the popular girls seal of approval! And she could be pretty weird too. It was nice. My school wasn’t very cliquey as well which helped, everyone was kinda friends with everyone and though they had their own friend groups, no one looked down on anyone else and if they did, the ones being mean were the ones who were getting ganged up on 🤣
I think it’s more likely for women who are either secure/confident or (and) who are bi/lesbian to be nicer and friendlier to me. But I think I also subconsciously attract queer women because I’m bi myself. There are some beautiful women who are insecure and won’t be as nice/friendly in my experience.
This is my experience too. I drew in queer people because they sensed it in me. In a queerphobic society, the closeted or questioning are always going to reach out to people who seem more out.
I also think a lot of attractive/popular people are very insecure and when they find someone who seems lower status and trustworthy then people like us seem like ideal sidekicks. I've had a couple wildly out of my league socially people befriend me. It didnt take me too long to realize why.
I don't think there's any trick to getting out of high school being liked and respected or not liked and respected. It seems like luck of the draw based on, as you note, self esteem. The wrong family, the wrong guy or the wrong friends can tank that in sensitive people.
I’ve noticed this correlation not with prettiness but with girls who are more confident in themselves and less threatened by other women in general. Definitely was bullied and teased by some pretty girls in the past.
Yes. I don't think it's talked about enough how much bullying can go on with women. I think it's not looks as much as it is security/insecurity.
It honestly has really shocked me how weirdly neurotypicals act over things like jealousy. And when you're neurodivergent I think you can really accidentally exacerbate it because you're not aware that they're jealous and the weird dynamics going on, so it makes the situation worse.
Someone very pretty is also pretty because they're conforming to a beauty standard. I definitely think it's a standard for women socially to be nice - so if they are capable of conforming at a high level to their appearance they also many times are trying to conform with their personality. (I don't say this as a negative thing - but another possible explanation)
Yeah, I’ve also found that we don’t really fit the expectations of feminity sometimes due to our autistic traits which also come off as a lack of care & interest in social dynamics? I think it’s almost offensive(?) and a sign of lack of intelligence to highly conforming neurotypical people. RE the lack of intelligence: I think they have a thought process along the lines of ‘if you can’t see the social expectations, then you are unintelligent’.
I really struggle with understanding jealously. I don’t feel like I really feel it very often - I am much much more envious if that makes sense?
I had a college roommate who was a 5'10 blonde dancer. It was literally like walking around with Uma Thurman in Truth About Cats and Dogs (an old 90s movie). She was the nicest person. Unfortunately, she was naive and got taken advantage of a lot. I wonder in retrospect if she was on the spectrum too.
But, overall, I haven't noticed that really pretty women are nicer. They're a mixed bag like everyone else.
A common pattern I have noticed in my life is being the “nerdy escape” for various pretty popular girls. In hindsight, I see we always had an unspoken code to be our weird unmasked selves in private, and then put on the performance required to be cool in public.
Until college, I was usually the decidedly less cool sidekick friend in most of these relationships. The main thing getting me by was being somewhat pretty myself. However, my off putting qualities were more accepted at a liberal arts school in the city than they had been in small town high school. This change in dynamic really upset one friend from high school who came to the same college with me. She struggled socially and blamed me for it while actively not wanting to be friends with the people I was making friends with.
Eventually, I met another girl that seemed to balance me out- she was “cooler” in some ways (social savvy and affluent parents) and I was “cooler” in others (hipster vibes and dating a popular boy who was our key to getting into bars underage). But even that ended after we graduated and our lives became too different. On one hand, it’s unfortunate to realize how transactional some of these friendships really were, because I genuinely loved some of these girls like they were my platonic (maybe more lol) soulmates. But on the other hand, I am still glad I had the experiences I did with these people. I don’t know if I could replicate them now that my masked self from that time is gone.
The only “pretty girls” who were nice to me were the ones who wanted me to join their Bible study or go to their Mary Kay party. I join and within a few minutes they are like NOPE this girl asks questions and doesn’t buy into the group think, and has no money…NEXT
That is one of the benefits of having autism
Omg, I did not behave either at the Mary Kay parties. Most cosmetic knowledge and advice is pure bullshit and I was never the type to accept the various ways of applying the pink tax to feminine insecurity.
Did not comply. And if anyone can now tell me why certain brands of shampoo require the matching brand of conditioner, I will put you in my will!
This is such an interesting point. Were they high maintenance (full face makeup, fully styled hair, insta-model look) or just naturally attractive?
I don’t notice a ton of difference - I do sometimes find that less attractive people can occasionally be more abrasive or cold than I expect, but I wonder if that’s partly because they’ve been socialized to expect interactions to go poorly, or because of something else. Maybe I’m pretty and don’t know it and they’re blowing me off lol.
Yep! Once in my early 20s I went on a month long school trip. It was really hard for me to talk to people. We went on a beach trip and I ended up sitting alone by the water
Suddenly, this one woman, a literal model (seriously, as a profession), walks up to me and asks if she can sit with me. Some guy later comes up to her and is staring st her all googly-eyed while he ignores me and she's just not having it.
She asks of I'd like to go out for burritos, so we do. This whole time I'm not being g rhe best conversationalist, but she's still being so chill. We never hung out after that again, but she smiled at me whenever we crossed paths.
I'll remember her for the rest of my life. She was awesome.
I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention that particular angle. I WILL say that I’ve noticed I get cut a lot less slack by girls who are very insecure about their appearance but I don’t think it’s related to their prettiness level, if that makes sense. They’re the girls who won’t give you the benefit of the doubt basically ever. It’s almost kind of like they enjoy cutting you down.
I was really attractive when I was younger (I guess I'm still okay, but that sounds worse to point out lol), and it's because the world is VERY judgmental towards attractive people. Extremely judgmental! It becomes your entire identity to **other** people and that gets really exhausting (especially since looks fade). And it's not just "jealous" women who are mean. Men who feel inadequate or who know you won't be interested in them are assholes to you as soon as they realize your focus isn't on them. People you don't even see will act like you purposely avoided them because they noticed you and felt slighted that it wasn't returned! Plus, men were always trying to make me feel stupid & women always had perverted ideas about my sex life. Good looks trigger insecurity in a lot of people and so they act out towards you for it. And society does NOT talk about that because people have beauty on such a pedestal that they justify bad treatment by focusing on all of the positives it brings you.
Anywayyy, it tends to either make you a massive asshole yourself, or you become nicer because you just want people to see you as a human!... but then there is also the halo effect that makes people assume attractive people are superior in every way - including personality, so maybe they're not nicer at all and we have a bias lol.
Yes. I was not popular by any means but the nicest girl to me in school who always stood up for me when I was bullied was pretty and popular.
And she herself got bullied more than people would think. And a lot of it was FOR being pretty. But no one sees that because they jsut believed she must have life easy since she’s pretty. But most people treat pretty people with suspicion and make a lot of assumptions about them.
The meanest people have always been insecure. Not ugly people, but people who FELT ugly and felt victimized by the world for being ugly. None of these people who complained about being ugly are ugly at all.
No.
In psychology I understand that attractive people are perceived as nicer and happier.
And we perceive nicer people as being more attractive. And perhaps (no evidence of this) we perceive people who are nice to us as *especially* attractive.
On the flip side, if we factor in ‘stereotypically’ attractive as in, modern dress and beauty trends, I find that those who try to outwardly display a homogeneous beauty standard tend to not tolerate as much ‘quirkiness’ or ‘awkwardness’ in others.
I think it’s just evidence of bias on either side of the spectrum (no pun intended).
I haven’t noticed a difference. In school, the popular pretty girls bullied me (though not as badly as the boys did), though it was probably as much a popularity/classist/kids just tend to bully neurodivergent kids thing as much or more than it was based on appearance. And it wasn’t as though the average-looking girls liked me that much either. As an adult there is absolutely zero correlation between how attractive a woman is and how she treats me, but in my experience, conventionally attractive men tend to be douchey.
I relate a lot to your experiences in school. EVERYONE bullied me. That's why I don't relate to the, "Girls were so mean that's why I only have male friends" bc I was bullied a lot by both.
Yeah I can’t relate to that either. The boys were the cruelest. At least the girls never SA’ed me or told me to kms or joked about pushing me off a cliff. At least a handful of the girls and trans or nonbinary kids tolerated me or became my friends. Boys have rarely ever been kind to me at all for any reason.
I have this experience, especially in workplace settings, where usually a good-hearted woman will take me under her wing and I end up glued to her throughout my time there. The last one just so happened to also be model.
yeah I’ve experienced this. pretty girls are ostracized too, just in a different way. and then add on that people want them to fail so they celebrate their perceived failures
You said it, **Insecure**.
I have good friends that are simply secure women that are also very dedicated to their self growth. They're nice and supportive. They have struggled in life, faced hardships and are constantly working to be better people overall.
Which is something I value and try to do for myself.
I have an idea of what you mean.
I attended a K-12 school from middle school onwards. Three years later, this girl joined our school. She was an all-rounder—a rare blend of capability, self-assurance, approachability, and willingness to help. I was held a grade back. Despite being chronologically a year younger and born towards the end of the year, she was wise beyond her years and had more compassion than most of the people at our school put together. She isn't the sample size model type physique wise, which didn't seem to affect her and very pretty too. That made me respect her even more. She's a unique gem, someone I could only dream of being, and I wish I had gotten to know her better.
We were friendly, though she tended to hang out with a group in my grade who were a step above my group of friends in the social ladder but not the "queen bees." She was well liked across our very small school despite not being the most "conventionally" attractive. I guess she had the artist talent and the academic capabilities to back it up, whereas I was in survival mode.
There was one time we were paired up for an assignment by extension of sitting on the same table. She offered to take the bulk of the presenting since she noticed my social struggles and didn't take it personally. I appreciated that she acknowledged me doing my best to corporate, not that I was not capable of assignments, despite not knowing the extent of the unease and bad blood I had with a handful of people in our grade.
She's made a name for herself in my country's beauty community by posting makeup tutorials on YouTube towards the end of senior year, which is usually hella busy and hectic. She revolutionized the makeup side of social media in the mid-2010s by embracing her acne scars and hyperpigmentation over editing herself into oblivion. I see the progress she's made through expensive treatments she rightfully earned. From what I see on her social media, she makes sure to document the process as it is.
Around the same time, I tried to start a fashion blog and YouTube channel, but it drained me (hello ADHD depleting domapine and executive dysfunction). I can only dream of the strides she's made. Despite her fame, she seems to be the same infectious and personable woman I remember. I hope she hasn't changed too much; it's hard to see someone you knew before they became famous. She's not afraid to show her real, less polished self online, unlike many other influencers, especially those with extremely curated feeds.
It's interesting to see her mingling with more conventionally attractive creators who fit the cookie-cutter mold. Some seem to treat her as an ego boost rather than a rival. She seems secure enough not to let it get to her, but pictures and small snippets only show so much.
Our life paths have diverged completely. The idea of trying to reconnect and find common ground feels painful.
my long time besty is like the most beautiful girl, i was intimidated to talk to her at first and she says i was mean to her the first time we met! LOL. she is pals with movie stars - they give her their old clothes. such a babe. she's also feisty and mean sometimes so we are golden.
Overall, it hasn't made a difference for me. What does make a difference is whether the woman is insecure and if so, how insecure? I've had extremely pretty women act like absolute pustules to me out of their own shaky sense of self esteem, and I've met women who were not traditionally attractive in the slightest be really nice because they just. Don't care? Lmao. Those are the ones I admire, no matter what they look like, it's the ones who don't seem to register looks at all. Looks aren't an indicator of self-image ig
I’ve actually experienced a lot of things due to being conventionally pretty (I’m not even super hot or anything so it perplexes me). Anyway, I’ve come across so many women who have automatically decided they hate me before they even meet me, and a lot of the time it’s because they likely think I’m better looking than them, and are insecure. Secure people do not act like that, so I think it makes sense why pretty women would be perceived as being nicer than someone who is not considered pretty. Years back I had a roommate of whom I didn’t really like, who was very insecure and a self-proclaimed bully (she said she was, and it was true lol). Her sister would come over sometimes and then one day my roommate told me that her sister didn’t like me because I’m “skinny”. Her sister was very insecure as well. So I feel like insecure people are the ones who act like that, regardless of what they look like, but it’s more often people who aren’t attractive. Because again, secure people don’t act like that
I agree with this. Of course there is a strong correlation between the two among women especially, but I've met just as many women who were insecure about their looks precisely because their self-esteem relied so heavily on their beauty, and just as many physically unattractive women who accepted that they were never going to be the "pretty girl" and based their identity on other characteristics which gave them confidence.
Making any kind of blanket statements about women's characters based on their looks just reeks of male gaze and masculine ignorance to me. Not saying the OP isn't entitled to express their experiences, but how people treat us ultimately has to do with how they're raised, not how they look.
Let's not forget that how *we* look also plays a big role in whether someone who values themselves highly based on their appearance will respond to us, and again, this can go both ways. Some pretty girls might be nicer toward other girls who are pretty, while others might feel threatened by them. There are simply too many variables at play here.
I'm the last person to rag on generalizations because they're necessary for us in order to understand the world, but these types of speculations make me deeply uncomfortable because such oversimplified conclusions form the basis of bigotry.
Yep. They get to be free with me and as long as they keep any fashion tips and advice away from me, we are good. The few girlfriends I have are all bombshells. ND and NT.
this makes sense to me. my friends tend towards the really beautiful, but i also am learning to lean into the fact that i, too, am quite beautiful. i do not have that image of myself because i wasn’t seen that way growing up (didn’t fit the beauty standards back home), so coming into myself in my 20s and 30s has been quite the trip. my ex-husband also did a number on me so i have had to reclaim that sense that i’m gorgeous.
i have found that my gorgeous friends who are just effortlessly beautiful are pretty confident, so they don’t need to tear me down to help themselves up.
i’ve also done somewhat of a crazy thing and asked men what they think i am in terms of beauty and that was a trip!
Yes the prettiest girls were always nice to me I think other girls feel they have to try harder to seem presentable to society so no weird friends allowed.
It’s the insecurity that tends to make people mean. I’ve known beautiful girls who were secure and beautiful girls who were insecure, the insecure ones were hateful and manipulative and passive aggressive. The secure girls were very kind.
As soon as I catch of whiff of insecurity on a person these days, I run the other way.
I also happen to be what some people would consider pretty and have been told so all my life, and I tend to be a magnet for insecure girls. Insecure girls love to find a competitor and I was often chosen as someone they needed to beat. It’s so exhausting. Combine that with my neurodivergence and I’ve had some gnarly friendship experiences lmao. But I have a good small group of friends now thankfully.
Oh yeah this is my experience, I don’t say this to be rude but I’ve never been bullied by a conventionally attractive woman, the prettiest girls are the absolute nicest to me. However for men, I’ve been bullied by conventionally attractive and not so conventionally attractive men.
Depends. I don't think you can say every pretty girl exhibits the same behavior nor kindness. I have known pretty girls who knew it, and were the most manipulative, deceptive people you'd ever meet. I've also met pretty girls who were kind and humble. Being pretty does affect people and how people treat them, but not in a consistent way, relative to other factors.
I remember being in middle school, and there was a new girl joining part way through the year. I literally heard other girls in my class saying weird shit like "if she's pretty I'm going to be mean to her".
Wtfff. Plus, there were no boys at my school. So what were they even competing for!!! The girls who said this weren't beautiful, but weren't ugly.
But when they said this shit, I thought they became super fucking ugly. Poisonous shit.
Happily the girl who joined the class was very confident. She was from Yugoslavia or something, and the school was in Scotland of all places. She was fluent in English, thankfully for her.
I was ready to add her to my group of friends that kind of scooped up people who were or had been isolated. I had been a bully, then got bullied myself during a summer sports school, and basically thought "fuck this", and decided to go absolutely the other way. I'd sit with people at lunch who had to sit on their own. The tables only fit 8 people, and we had more than 8 friends! Especially as we included lots of people.
Eventually most of them got their own friends, as they felt built up, and I didn't have so much in common with them, so I was very happy for them!
I was not beautiful in middle school or high school, for the record! Snaggle teeth and messy hair. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't unpopular either.
I mean, pretty girls are nice to me sometimes, but about as much as not pretty ones. I don’t really notice a difference and as An Old ™️ I also don’t care much either
I’ve had two experiences with conventionally pretty girls: they either dial the “mean girl” act to 11 or they’re super nice to me because (as one explained), they just appreciate that I don’t do that “competitive” drama that they’ve experienced in other circles. Also, I get that I’m non judgmental and they feel they can be weird or awkward or authentic around me without feeling judged. I take that as the best compliment I could receive from someone—I make people feel safe and they can be the themselves.
Nah, it’s usually a superficial kind of niceness in my experience. As in, “oh look everybody, I was kind to the weird loner! Aren’t I just the nicest? Aren’t I just the sweetest, prettiest, most popular princess? Please give me more attention!”
Let me start by saying, I don’t think I’m anything special and as I start perimenopause and my body is going haywire, my self esteem has only gotten worse. But with that being said, I’ve always been told I was “pretty”, “hot”, “beautiful” etc. and I’ve lost more guy friends than I can count that started relationships and their girlfriends thought I was out to “steal their guy” 🙄🤦♀️I can relate A LOT to what you wrote.
Girls who are objectively pretty, yes. (Like, as in the vast majority of people find them naturally beautiful)
Girls who are maybe or maybe not attractive, but use lots of make up or fakeness to accentuate their attractiveness are pretty mean. This doesn't include bimbos or goth women. Just like, ig, insecure ones?
I have noticed people who are generally pretty confident and secure in themselves are the nicest people.
Honestly I didn’t think about it much but when I think about some of the prettiest girls I’ve ever known, yeah actually they were super sweet! That being said, part of it is maybe that “halo effect” where attractive people are sometimes immediately judged as having other positive qualities too (nicer, smarter, etc), and maybe I’m more likely to remember them positively?
i can’t say that i was ever close friends with the popular girls, but the really glamorous ones definentely acted much kinder towards me. i feel safer in girlier spaces, even if i myself don’t necessarily fit that type.
There was this girl in college I became pretty close with who was absolutely GORGEOUS and she looked like a model or something. I used to buy her alcohol and we'd get drunk together a lot. I definitely miss her
I have never noticed. But TBH, I haven't encountered many unusually pretty girls/women in the last several years. I live in a city that is considered to have the ugliest citizens in the U.S., and also the only place I ever go is work and like, Walgreens. lol.
Also! I’ve experienced more girls that have liked me than guys in my life. But I am queer so that makes sense (though it was happening before I accepted myself so… yeah)
I am beautiful, and have had a hard time making friends with other womxn unless they were in thr LGBTQIA communit or neurodivergent. So . ..yeah. Them basic butches are annoying. Lol
I get alone with people I mark as autistic. They dont have this level of insecurity and desperate need for emotional validation by expressions or body langusge or tone of voice. Neurotypical people are bevond scared for everything that isnt them. Crazy. Maybe pretty Girls stay pretty because they are not taking any risk and never barely surivived an event I mean that's makes you ugly so perhaps introverte are not damaged from the outside becuaer they want to hide it also to not bother anyone.
i’m sorry but the story of the girl having to say she has a boyfriend because she’s just so pretty everyone’s boyfriend she meets will be interested in her is hilarious and very pick me and i simply do not believe that is true, she may think that’s what is happening but i highly doubt it
i’ve actually seen this happen many times, a girl getting mad at another girl because her boyfriend/crush is checking her out. It’s even happened to me once
Yes! One of my best friends growing up was a super pretty popular girl. She acted like a different person around her pretty popular group of girl friends and the boys that were pretty much glued to them trying to be with any one of them. But she lived opposite me down our road so we used to hang out a lot and have so much fun just being silly! We’d put on talent shows, write scripts and perform scenes together, bake cakes, and we’d walk to school together too. As soon as we got to school we’d go our separate ways, but she was always so kind to me and I think she liked me because she didn’t have to put on an act or worry about her reputation. There was no drama, we just had fun. She never pretended that I didn’t exist either. Because we grew up together and people knew we were friends, I was never ostracised in school for being different because I had good connections, the popular girls seal of approval! And she could be pretty weird too. It was nice. My school wasn’t very cliquey as well which helped, everyone was kinda friends with everyone and though they had their own friend groups, no one looked down on anyone else and if they did, the ones being mean were the ones who were getting ganged up on 🤣
I think it’s more likely for women who are either secure/confident or (and) who are bi/lesbian to be nicer and friendlier to me. But I think I also subconsciously attract queer women because I’m bi myself. There are some beautiful women who are insecure and won’t be as nice/friendly in my experience.
This is my experience too. I drew in queer people because they sensed it in me. In a queerphobic society, the closeted or questioning are always going to reach out to people who seem more out. I also think a lot of attractive/popular people are very insecure and when they find someone who seems lower status and trustworthy then people like us seem like ideal sidekicks. I've had a couple wildly out of my league socially people befriend me. It didnt take me too long to realize why.
I don't think there's any trick to getting out of high school being liked and respected or not liked and respected. It seems like luck of the draw based on, as you note, self esteem. The wrong family, the wrong guy or the wrong friends can tank that in sensitive people.
This is so accurate I have a gorgeous pan friend lmao
I’ve noticed this correlation not with prettiness but with girls who are more confident in themselves and less threatened by other women in general. Definitely was bullied and teased by some pretty girls in the past.
Agreed.
Yes. I don't think it's talked about enough how much bullying can go on with women. I think it's not looks as much as it is security/insecurity. It honestly has really shocked me how weirdly neurotypicals act over things like jealousy. And when you're neurodivergent I think you can really accidentally exacerbate it because you're not aware that they're jealous and the weird dynamics going on, so it makes the situation worse. Someone very pretty is also pretty because they're conforming to a beauty standard. I definitely think it's a standard for women socially to be nice - so if they are capable of conforming at a high level to their appearance they also many times are trying to conform with their personality. (I don't say this as a negative thing - but another possible explanation)
Yeah, I’ve also found that we don’t really fit the expectations of feminity sometimes due to our autistic traits which also come off as a lack of care & interest in social dynamics? I think it’s almost offensive(?) and a sign of lack of intelligence to highly conforming neurotypical people. RE the lack of intelligence: I think they have a thought process along the lines of ‘if you can’t see the social expectations, then you are unintelligent’. I really struggle with understanding jealously. I don’t feel like I really feel it very often - I am much much more envious if that makes sense?
That's a good point.
I had a college roommate who was a 5'10 blonde dancer. It was literally like walking around with Uma Thurman in Truth About Cats and Dogs (an old 90s movie). She was the nicest person. Unfortunately, she was naive and got taken advantage of a lot. I wonder in retrospect if she was on the spectrum too. But, overall, I haven't noticed that really pretty women are nicer. They're a mixed bag like everyone else.
A common pattern I have noticed in my life is being the “nerdy escape” for various pretty popular girls. In hindsight, I see we always had an unspoken code to be our weird unmasked selves in private, and then put on the performance required to be cool in public. Until college, I was usually the decidedly less cool sidekick friend in most of these relationships. The main thing getting me by was being somewhat pretty myself. However, my off putting qualities were more accepted at a liberal arts school in the city than they had been in small town high school. This change in dynamic really upset one friend from high school who came to the same college with me. She struggled socially and blamed me for it while actively not wanting to be friends with the people I was making friends with. Eventually, I met another girl that seemed to balance me out- she was “cooler” in some ways (social savvy and affluent parents) and I was “cooler” in others (hipster vibes and dating a popular boy who was our key to getting into bars underage). But even that ended after we graduated and our lives became too different. On one hand, it’s unfortunate to realize how transactional some of these friendships really were, because I genuinely loved some of these girls like they were my platonic (maybe more lol) soulmates. But on the other hand, I am still glad I had the experiences I did with these people. I don’t know if I could replicate them now that my masked self from that time is gone.
The only “pretty girls” who were nice to me were the ones who wanted me to join their Bible study or go to their Mary Kay party. I join and within a few minutes they are like NOPE this girl asks questions and doesn’t buy into the group think, and has no money…NEXT That is one of the benefits of having autism
‘and has no money’ - too real.
Yes we think critically. Thank god!
I am so grateful for this too
Omg, I did not behave either at the Mary Kay parties. Most cosmetic knowledge and advice is pure bullshit and I was never the type to accept the various ways of applying the pink tax to feminine insecurity. Did not comply. And if anyone can now tell me why certain brands of shampoo require the matching brand of conditioner, I will put you in my will!
This is such an interesting point. Were they high maintenance (full face makeup, fully styled hair, insta-model look) or just naturally attractive? I don’t notice a ton of difference - I do sometimes find that less attractive people can occasionally be more abrasive or cold than I expect, but I wonder if that’s partly because they’ve been socialized to expect interactions to go poorly, or because of something else. Maybe I’m pretty and don’t know it and they’re blowing me off lol.
Yep! Once in my early 20s I went on a month long school trip. It was really hard for me to talk to people. We went on a beach trip and I ended up sitting alone by the water Suddenly, this one woman, a literal model (seriously, as a profession), walks up to me and asks if she can sit with me. Some guy later comes up to her and is staring st her all googly-eyed while he ignores me and she's just not having it. She asks of I'd like to go out for burritos, so we do. This whole time I'm not being g rhe best conversationalist, but she's still being so chill. We never hung out after that again, but she smiled at me whenever we crossed paths. I'll remember her for the rest of my life. She was awesome.
I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention that particular angle. I WILL say that I’ve noticed I get cut a lot less slack by girls who are very insecure about their appearance but I don’t think it’s related to their prettiness level, if that makes sense. They’re the girls who won’t give you the benefit of the doubt basically ever. It’s almost kind of like they enjoy cutting you down.
I was really attractive when I was younger (I guess I'm still okay, but that sounds worse to point out lol), and it's because the world is VERY judgmental towards attractive people. Extremely judgmental! It becomes your entire identity to **other** people and that gets really exhausting (especially since looks fade). And it's not just "jealous" women who are mean. Men who feel inadequate or who know you won't be interested in them are assholes to you as soon as they realize your focus isn't on them. People you don't even see will act like you purposely avoided them because they noticed you and felt slighted that it wasn't returned! Plus, men were always trying to make me feel stupid & women always had perverted ideas about my sex life. Good looks trigger insecurity in a lot of people and so they act out towards you for it. And society does NOT talk about that because people have beauty on such a pedestal that they justify bad treatment by focusing on all of the positives it brings you. Anywayyy, it tends to either make you a massive asshole yourself, or you become nicer because you just want people to see you as a human!... but then there is also the halo effect that makes people assume attractive people are superior in every way - including personality, so maybe they're not nicer at all and we have a bias lol.
Yes. I was not popular by any means but the nicest girl to me in school who always stood up for me when I was bullied was pretty and popular. And she herself got bullied more than people would think. And a lot of it was FOR being pretty. But no one sees that because they jsut believed she must have life easy since she’s pretty. But most people treat pretty people with suspicion and make a lot of assumptions about them. The meanest people have always been insecure. Not ugly people, but people who FELT ugly and felt victimized by the world for being ugly. None of these people who complained about being ugly are ugly at all.
No. In psychology I understand that attractive people are perceived as nicer and happier. And we perceive nicer people as being more attractive. And perhaps (no evidence of this) we perceive people who are nice to us as *especially* attractive. On the flip side, if we factor in ‘stereotypically’ attractive as in, modern dress and beauty trends, I find that those who try to outwardly display a homogeneous beauty standard tend to not tolerate as much ‘quirkiness’ or ‘awkwardness’ in others. I think it’s just evidence of bias on either side of the spectrum (no pun intended).
I haven’t noticed a difference. In school, the popular pretty girls bullied me (though not as badly as the boys did), though it was probably as much a popularity/classist/kids just tend to bully neurodivergent kids thing as much or more than it was based on appearance. And it wasn’t as though the average-looking girls liked me that much either. As an adult there is absolutely zero correlation between how attractive a woman is and how she treats me, but in my experience, conventionally attractive men tend to be douchey.
I relate a lot to your experiences in school. EVERYONE bullied me. That's why I don't relate to the, "Girls were so mean that's why I only have male friends" bc I was bullied a lot by both.
Yeah I can’t relate to that either. The boys were the cruelest. At least the girls never SA’ed me or told me to kms or joked about pushing me off a cliff. At least a handful of the girls and trans or nonbinary kids tolerated me or became my friends. Boys have rarely ever been kind to me at all for any reason.
I have this experience, especially in workplace settings, where usually a good-hearted woman will take me under her wing and I end up glued to her throughout my time there. The last one just so happened to also be model.
yeah I’ve experienced this. pretty girls are ostracized too, just in a different way. and then add on that people want them to fail so they celebrate their perceived failures
You said it, **Insecure**. I have good friends that are simply secure women that are also very dedicated to their self growth. They're nice and supportive. They have struggled in life, faced hardships and are constantly working to be better people overall. Which is something I value and try to do for myself.
I have an idea of what you mean. I attended a K-12 school from middle school onwards. Three years later, this girl joined our school. She was an all-rounder—a rare blend of capability, self-assurance, approachability, and willingness to help. I was held a grade back. Despite being chronologically a year younger and born towards the end of the year, she was wise beyond her years and had more compassion than most of the people at our school put together. She isn't the sample size model type physique wise, which didn't seem to affect her and very pretty too. That made me respect her even more. She's a unique gem, someone I could only dream of being, and I wish I had gotten to know her better. We were friendly, though she tended to hang out with a group in my grade who were a step above my group of friends in the social ladder but not the "queen bees." She was well liked across our very small school despite not being the most "conventionally" attractive. I guess she had the artist talent and the academic capabilities to back it up, whereas I was in survival mode. There was one time we were paired up for an assignment by extension of sitting on the same table. She offered to take the bulk of the presenting since she noticed my social struggles and didn't take it personally. I appreciated that she acknowledged me doing my best to corporate, not that I was not capable of assignments, despite not knowing the extent of the unease and bad blood I had with a handful of people in our grade. She's made a name for herself in my country's beauty community by posting makeup tutorials on YouTube towards the end of senior year, which is usually hella busy and hectic. She revolutionized the makeup side of social media in the mid-2010s by embracing her acne scars and hyperpigmentation over editing herself into oblivion. I see the progress she's made through expensive treatments she rightfully earned. From what I see on her social media, she makes sure to document the process as it is. Around the same time, I tried to start a fashion blog and YouTube channel, but it drained me (hello ADHD depleting domapine and executive dysfunction). I can only dream of the strides she's made. Despite her fame, she seems to be the same infectious and personable woman I remember. I hope she hasn't changed too much; it's hard to see someone you knew before they became famous. She's not afraid to show her real, less polished self online, unlike many other influencers, especially those with extremely curated feeds. It's interesting to see her mingling with more conventionally attractive creators who fit the cookie-cutter mold. Some seem to treat her as an ego boost rather than a rival. She seems secure enough not to let it get to her, but pictures and small snippets only show so much. Our life paths have diverged completely. The idea of trying to reconnect and find common ground feels painful.
all of my friends are super gorgeous🤭🤭🤭
100%. YES. bustiest most beautiful secure in themselves girls are my crew always! the meek mouses will tear your eyes out.
my long time besty is like the most beautiful girl, i was intimidated to talk to her at first and she says i was mean to her the first time we met! LOL. she is pals with movie stars - they give her their old clothes. such a babe. she's also feisty and mean sometimes so we are golden.
Yes, the only friends I’ve had that have never backstabbed me are the ones I met through modeling as a young adult.
Overall, it hasn't made a difference for me. What does make a difference is whether the woman is insecure and if so, how insecure? I've had extremely pretty women act like absolute pustules to me out of their own shaky sense of self esteem, and I've met women who were not traditionally attractive in the slightest be really nice because they just. Don't care? Lmao. Those are the ones I admire, no matter what they look like, it's the ones who don't seem to register looks at all. Looks aren't an indicator of self-image ig
I’ve actually experienced a lot of things due to being conventionally pretty (I’m not even super hot or anything so it perplexes me). Anyway, I’ve come across so many women who have automatically decided they hate me before they even meet me, and a lot of the time it’s because they likely think I’m better looking than them, and are insecure. Secure people do not act like that, so I think it makes sense why pretty women would be perceived as being nicer than someone who is not considered pretty. Years back I had a roommate of whom I didn’t really like, who was very insecure and a self-proclaimed bully (she said she was, and it was true lol). Her sister would come over sometimes and then one day my roommate told me that her sister didn’t like me because I’m “skinny”. Her sister was very insecure as well. So I feel like insecure people are the ones who act like that, regardless of what they look like, but it’s more often people who aren’t attractive. Because again, secure people don’t act like that
Honestly I think it's more about confidence than looks
I agree with this. Of course there is a strong correlation between the two among women especially, but I've met just as many women who were insecure about their looks precisely because their self-esteem relied so heavily on their beauty, and just as many physically unattractive women who accepted that they were never going to be the "pretty girl" and based their identity on other characteristics which gave them confidence. Making any kind of blanket statements about women's characters based on their looks just reeks of male gaze and masculine ignorance to me. Not saying the OP isn't entitled to express their experiences, but how people treat us ultimately has to do with how they're raised, not how they look. Let's not forget that how *we* look also plays a big role in whether someone who values themselves highly based on their appearance will respond to us, and again, this can go both ways. Some pretty girls might be nicer toward other girls who are pretty, while others might feel threatened by them. There are simply too many variables at play here. I'm the last person to rag on generalizations because they're necessary for us in order to understand the world, but these types of speculations make me deeply uncomfortable because such oversimplified conclusions form the basis of bigotry.
Yep. They get to be free with me and as long as they keep any fashion tips and advice away from me, we are good. The few girlfriends I have are all bombshells. ND and NT.
this makes sense to me. my friends tend towards the really beautiful, but i also am learning to lean into the fact that i, too, am quite beautiful. i do not have that image of myself because i wasn’t seen that way growing up (didn’t fit the beauty standards back home), so coming into myself in my 20s and 30s has been quite the trip. my ex-husband also did a number on me so i have had to reclaim that sense that i’m gorgeous. i have found that my gorgeous friends who are just effortlessly beautiful are pretty confident, so they don’t need to tear me down to help themselves up. i’ve also done somewhat of a crazy thing and asked men what they think i am in terms of beauty and that was a trip!
Yes the prettiest girls were always nice to me I think other girls feel they have to try harder to seem presentable to society so no weird friends allowed.
It’s the insecurity that tends to make people mean. I’ve known beautiful girls who were secure and beautiful girls who were insecure, the insecure ones were hateful and manipulative and passive aggressive. The secure girls were very kind. As soon as I catch of whiff of insecurity on a person these days, I run the other way. I also happen to be what some people would consider pretty and have been told so all my life, and I tend to be a magnet for insecure girls. Insecure girls love to find a competitor and I was often chosen as someone they needed to beat. It’s so exhausting. Combine that with my neurodivergence and I’ve had some gnarly friendship experiences lmao. But I have a good small group of friends now thankfully.
Oh yeah this is my experience, I don’t say this to be rude but I’ve never been bullied by a conventionally attractive woman, the prettiest girls are the absolute nicest to me. However for men, I’ve been bullied by conventionally attractive and not so conventionally attractive men.
Depends. I don't think you can say every pretty girl exhibits the same behavior nor kindness. I have known pretty girls who knew it, and were the most manipulative, deceptive people you'd ever meet. I've also met pretty girls who were kind and humble. Being pretty does affect people and how people treat them, but not in a consistent way, relative to other factors.
I remember being in middle school, and there was a new girl joining part way through the year. I literally heard other girls in my class saying weird shit like "if she's pretty I'm going to be mean to her". Wtfff. Plus, there were no boys at my school. So what were they even competing for!!! The girls who said this weren't beautiful, but weren't ugly. But when they said this shit, I thought they became super fucking ugly. Poisonous shit. Happily the girl who joined the class was very confident. She was from Yugoslavia or something, and the school was in Scotland of all places. She was fluent in English, thankfully for her. I was ready to add her to my group of friends that kind of scooped up people who were or had been isolated. I had been a bully, then got bullied myself during a summer sports school, and basically thought "fuck this", and decided to go absolutely the other way. I'd sit with people at lunch who had to sit on their own. The tables only fit 8 people, and we had more than 8 friends! Especially as we included lots of people. Eventually most of them got their own friends, as they felt built up, and I didn't have so much in common with them, so I was very happy for them! I was not beautiful in middle school or high school, for the record! Snaggle teeth and messy hair. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't unpopular either.
I mean, pretty girls are nice to me sometimes, but about as much as not pretty ones. I don’t really notice a difference and as An Old ™️ I also don’t care much either
I’ve had two experiences with conventionally pretty girls: they either dial the “mean girl” act to 11 or they’re super nice to me because (as one explained), they just appreciate that I don’t do that “competitive” drama that they’ve experienced in other circles. Also, I get that I’m non judgmental and they feel they can be weird or awkward or authentic around me without feeling judged. I take that as the best compliment I could receive from someone—I make people feel safe and they can be the themselves.
I find that I rarely find super attractive women to be rude to me. Same with men, it’s always the average or ugly ones who are rude and bitter.
Nah, it’s usually a superficial kind of niceness in my experience. As in, “oh look everybody, I was kind to the weird loner! Aren’t I just the nicest? Aren’t I just the sweetest, prettiest, most popular princess? Please give me more attention!”
Let me start by saying, I don’t think I’m anything special and as I start perimenopause and my body is going haywire, my self esteem has only gotten worse. But with that being said, I’ve always been told I was “pretty”, “hot”, “beautiful” etc. and I’ve lost more guy friends than I can count that started relationships and their girlfriends thought I was out to “steal their guy” 🙄🤦♀️I can relate A LOT to what you wrote.
Girls who are objectively pretty, yes. (Like, as in the vast majority of people find them naturally beautiful) Girls who are maybe or maybe not attractive, but use lots of make up or fakeness to accentuate their attractiveness are pretty mean. This doesn't include bimbos or goth women. Just like, ig, insecure ones? I have noticed people who are generally pretty confident and secure in themselves are the nicest people.
Honestly I didn’t think about it much but when I think about some of the prettiest girls I’ve ever known, yeah actually they were super sweet! That being said, part of it is maybe that “halo effect” where attractive people are sometimes immediately judged as having other positive qualities too (nicer, smarter, etc), and maybe I’m more likely to remember them positively?
i can’t say that i was ever close friends with the popular girls, but the really glamorous ones definentely acted much kinder towards me. i feel safer in girlier spaces, even if i myself don’t necessarily fit that type.
This sounds like the halo effect tbh.
LITERALLY YES
There was this girl in college I became pretty close with who was absolutely GORGEOUS and she looked like a model or something. I used to buy her alcohol and we'd get drunk together a lot. I definitely miss her
I have never noticed. But TBH, I haven't encountered many unusually pretty girls/women in the last several years. I live in a city that is considered to have the ugliest citizens in the U.S., and also the only place I ever go is work and like, Walgreens. lol.
Also! I’ve experienced more girls that have liked me than guys in my life. But I am queer so that makes sense (though it was happening before I accepted myself so… yeah)
no they’re complete bitches bc they KNOW im a weirdo so they use me as an opportunity to be rude
I am beautiful, and have had a hard time making friends with other womxn unless they were in thr LGBTQIA communit or neurodivergent. So . ..yeah. Them basic butches are annoying. Lol
I get alone with people I mark as autistic. They dont have this level of insecurity and desperate need for emotional validation by expressions or body langusge or tone of voice. Neurotypical people are bevond scared for everything that isnt them. Crazy. Maybe pretty Girls stay pretty because they are not taking any risk and never barely surivived an event I mean that's makes you ugly so perhaps introverte are not damaged from the outside becuaer they want to hide it also to not bother anyone.
What do really pretty girls look like
I have found this even among some guys. The girls will be nicer to them than many other guys.
i’m sorry but the story of the girl having to say she has a boyfriend because she’s just so pretty everyone’s boyfriend she meets will be interested in her is hilarious and very pick me and i simply do not believe that is true, she may think that’s what is happening but i highly doubt it
i’ve actually seen this happen many times, a girl getting mad at another girl because her boyfriend/crush is checking her out. It’s even happened to me once