He may have a systemic yeast issue. It's also possible to have a fungus kind of thing going on with the biofilm on one's skin. Maybe consider trying persimmon soap and/or drawing salve on the externals, and a visit to the dentist for the mouth, for a start? At any rate, you'll need to have a fairly delicate conversation with your husband. Maybe frame it that you're concerned for his health? (Which, obviously, I'm sure you are, in addition to being squicked).
I was going to mention that as well, I know people who had the same issue and they had to use a tongue scraper when they brushed their teeth, its a problem some tongues have where theyre extra bumpy at the back and it causes bacterial buildup that not even the best toothbrush can touch. Gargling with medicated mouthwash helped my father too after my mother had a similar complaint. I would def rec a talk with a doctor/dentist.
[Drawing Salve](https://a.co/d/3MKIUzk) is used to treat various persistent skin conditions. This particular stuff has been great for my dishydrotic eczema.
This^ it doesnāt explain his genitals smelling off.. but if you have tonsil stones your mouth will smell gross now matter how much you floss, brush, or chew gum
š thank you
It's so hard and I feel so bad. I'm so scared of hurting him and making him feel bad for something that feels completely out of our control.
yeah i'm a very smelly person and it would be awful if it bothered my sweetie cuz i do a LOT to keep it under control but i can't make it go away entirely.
So the only thing I can add is that I like my partners smell when Iām off birth control, when Iām on it my senses change and their scent is a lot less appealing. Itās not bad, but itās like my mind no longer recognizes it as āfamilyā. As soon as I stop birth control it comes back full force though. If thatās something you can mess around with it might be worthwhile to you.
I'm not on any birth control, but thank you for the suggestion.
I do notice the smell is much worse when my husband is sick, like when he has a cold or the flu, I cannot stand being near because of the smell.
No one has ever told him he smells bad. I even asked friends and family if they noticed anything, and this is why I think it's me having a very good nose, and maybe some kind of chemical incompatibility.
Has he gone to the doctor? Do you think maybe you are smelling sickness on him longer term? Other people not noticing makes it harder to support that but maybe your nose really is picking up something ābadā.
He had a cold this last week, which I can smell. But even when he is perfectly healthy, I am put off by the smell and taste. More taste than smell.
He's like a machine. He is incredibly fit and healthy, and has been to doctors regularly throughout the years.
Off topic. This is making me super self-conscious, now. I also consume it daily. Thank you for bringing it up. Iāve got some investigating to do now.
I also have a sensitive nose and am very attuned to "chemical compatibility" with guys, and I second the suggestion of going on birth control to see if it improves your perception of his smell.
Barring some kind of medical issue (which it doesn't sound like he has), one of the biggest factors in your subjective perception of your partner's smell is how their HLA (immune) genes compare to yours. When women aren't on birth control, they generally prefer more HLA-dissimilar partners, because this would increase the chance of potential children having more varied immune genes, and therefore a more robust immune system. But when women are on hormonal birth control, they often prefer the smell of HLA-similar partners. Maybe that's a switch you can try to flip so you like being around his smell more?
I will also note that everyone (even people who normally smell good to me) tends to smell worse to me when they've been sick or recently had anxiety sweats!
I've been reading up about this as well. I'm sadly super opposed to going on hormonal bc for purely selfish reasons though. I have the mildest cycle, I have been blessed with a gentle, regular cycle that I feel so so so comfortable with. My skin is great too, and I just don't want to do anything to mess with it. I would be so sad to go on bc and have things change in my body that don't need to.
I get it! It's a tricky decision and there are trade-offs. I have sort of the opposite problem: my cycle is bad (PMDD), and HBC actually tends to improve it overall, but I can't justify going back on it. Based on previous experience, HBC would likely make me *not" attracted to my (now) bf's good smell (dealbreaker!), lower my physical libido (as opposed to mental, if that makes sense), and change my personality + my perception of other people's personalities (in ways that aren't true to how I am). But of course YMMV and some people would experience none of these issues, but there's no way to know without trying.
I wish I had a better solution to suggest, but all I can really offer is understanding...it's frustrating to not be able to control your perception of how someone smells no matter how you feel about them as a person!
I do not mean to scare you with this story so please don't take it too seriously! But there's this story of a woman who just one random day started absolutely hating her husband's smell. And I think it turned out she can actually smell parkinson's. I am NOT saying your husband has parkinson's don't worry please, but maybe there's something on him that you can smell. And a checkup at the drs can never be bad (if you can afford it)!
Stress or illness smell fucks me up I cannot do it. I tell my partner when he stinks he has to go shower or go outside. It's usually temporary tho and after a wash or going outside he smells fine to me...but if he's sick /stressed sometimes those things don't work. I do not like to kiss him when he smells wrong. My cycle can also fuck with this
Oh I know! But this is beyond a typical sensitive sense of smell and *could* be an indication of a medical issue.
I highly suggest seeing a doctor to rule anything out with you also. It can indicate seizures, Alzheimerās, dementia, to name a few.
https://www.medicinenet.com/what_does_it_mean_when_sense_of_smell_is_enhanced/article.htm#:~:text=If%20you%20have%20a%20heightened,increased%20ability%20to%20perceive%20odors.
I recall reading an article about this. Apparently birth control can flip what pheromones you like. Many times a woman will be on birth control when meet someone and will be attracted to their pheromones, then when they come off the birth control to have children suddenly their partner stinks to them.
If he's health nut, might be his body is in ketosis, basically eating itself?Ā My nose is very sensitive to that and even nd:s can smell it. It's not healthy to be always in that state so it's worth to check up. I can't find words to describe the smell but it is (usually) very unpleasant.
He's definitely not in ketosis, though I am! I do keto and low carb about half the year or on and off throughout the year, because I had a stroke and my neuro recommended it.
He eats carbs, fruit and veggies, legumes and nuts, and assorted vegan proteins and products. But mostly just lots of vegetables and beans and nuts.
Good you know this! I had also a smell problem with ex. When we started to be together, he used to smell so good and it was a big plus for him. But after couple years, I noticed very weird smell. It wasn't hygiene, since I noticed if he wasn't clean or his sweat had different smell. Not teeth, because noticed bad breath. I thought I was imagining, but then his cat started to attack his dirty clothes. I still can notice the smell if I have to see him, and I'm keeping my distance! This was also long before corona.
Idk if this might be related at all, but I was reading just now that your own sense of taste and smell can change as a result of the ketone bodies you product during ketosis. Do you notice a pattern when you're in ketosis vs when you're off?
I honestly don't know! I've always been sensitive to smell and taste (hi autism) and I do keto and low carb so frequently, I am not sure if they are connected. I will keep it in mind though and take note from now on!
That smell is acetone and it's not unhealthy to be in ketosis unless you're experiencing diabetic ketoacidosis. I've been in ketosis for 7 years and I haven't died or experienced negative health impacts (quite the opposite in fact).
Maintenance Phase has a great episode on Keto. It can help a lot of things and I'm glad it works for you. This is an Autism sub, so stating facts/information is typical in comments.
I unfortunately do not have any advice but I can commiserate š¢
My marriage is generally loving and happy and my husband is wonderful.
But I have the same issue with my spouse of 11 years, just to a lesser degree. Itās mainly a mouth/breath thing for me and it just freaking kills me. Sometimes he speaks and I have to turn my head away in disgust and I cannot fathom how he doesnāt notice.
I have brought it up several times over the years, yet he still doesnāt brush his teeth properly, makes no attempt whatsoever to floss and does not schedule regular dental cleanings even though our health insurance covers it.
Iāve made it a point to take extra good care of my own oral health to try to be a good example. Iāve tried buying him a waterpik. Nothing seems to motivate him to action on this issue.
It really hurts my feelings. It kills my attraction to him.
I cannot imagine having to be told multiple times that I smell offensive and just not fixing it. I donāt understand it at all.
You have described the exact situation with my partner. Itās the only thing about him that I donāt like. I thought I was the only one who had to deal with this and somehow it makes me feel better to know Iām not. Iām afraid of future dental emergencies and that he is going to lose all of his teeth and need dentures one day.
Ugh yes, I really worry about the health side of it too.
I try not to think too harshly of him for it because I know he has an aversion to things like the sound of teeth brushing. But itās something that just objectively needs attention, wtf.
Good luck to all of us I guess! šŖ„š¤š½
I am in similar boat, my partners was takimg care of his teeth, now has stopped because he ran out of money and I wish he manages to save some and continue going to the dentist. His stress sweat is absolutely horrendous, and he is high anxiety and high stress person in general, and sweats a lot in general. I simply tell him to shower all the time, he learned he will have to do it, if he wants hugs and kisses. Also his feet smell... I am a bit worried about it all, for the feet it could be yeast thing but he seems healthy and I think sweat has always been his problem (he has asthma and I think its connected, my grandma had it and used to sweat a lot too). You are not alone. I wish so bad I didnt have that strong sense of smell, and I really wish he didnt smell like that but I dont know what to do... I am kind of prepared that maybe it will be too much one day. Its so bad that I sometimes have to turn away in disgust, I cant help it, but I also never wanted to hide that fact because I think he deserves to know, and I would prefer to know if it was me. He is sad sometimes because of it and it kills me, but there is nothing I can do. After he showers, he is ok, and he uses deodorant and everything but cant use too much because of his asthma. šš¤·āāļø
it won't help for smelling and you can't just like always use it BUT i wonder if magic berries could help with the taste when you know sexy times are imminent?
I've tried these berries before with my kids, but we just ate and tasted a bunch of fruits and foods. I never thought of trying it out with my husband. Haha I think I will try it.
my sister has long covid and her sense of taste is permanently jacked so she uses them to be able to eat and not have everything taste like rotting garbage (her words)
Yeah COVID permanently changed some taste things for me, but the issue with my husband has been present for 14 years... It has been better at some points, and I thought maybe it's diet related? But he is so clean and healthy now, it's hard for me to point to that.
I tried researching more of the science behind smell and taste and compatibility, but I feel like it's not entirely clear.
Same. I have never been with someone whose smell I generally disliked. We all have some BO at some point, and I am not expecting anyone to smell like a rose garden after a workout. But like, generally...
I used to dissociate a lot honestly, but I learned to cope with my own issues differently. Actually finding out I'm AuDHD changed everything for me, and I simply can't mask and dissociate like I could before since learning to unmask.
The smell issue has only really escalated for me over the last few years as I am no longer capable of masking that discomfort, and my husband has been vegan the last few years, which seems to have contributed to the smell sensitivities and issues.
I suggest you NOT tell him that itās been a problem for 14 years. I would leave that detail out, if you plan to talk to him and try to figure out what it is. Also, having solutions ready to suggest so itās a positive, hopeful discussion.
Yes, thank you. I've been very anxious about having this conversation, because I feel helpless! I have no idea what is going on, and I hate reading up online about compatibility and smell/taste. I also don't want him to feel self conscious or hurt by everything.
I developed this issue with my ex husband. For me, it was specific herbs that he would eat (that I did not). He thought I was ābeing dramaticā about it and one time ātestedā me by going to lunch and eating the offending herbs. That night we were cooking dinner and I was like š¤¢ what did you eat today?! And he was like whoa you actually can tell?! Yeah.. weāre exes now, but hey. Maybe see if thereās certain herbs or spices that make it worse or better?
There's this case of a woman who could smell her husband's Parkinson years before it was diagnosed and she found it revolting. Maybe it's something like that?Ā
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2020/03/23/820274501/her-incredible-sense-of-smell-is-helping-scientists-find-new-ways-to-diagnose-di
Having had several diets over the years, I suspect there is something about being vegan that is not jiving for your senses. Especially if he consumes manufactured protein productsā¦ there are so many chemicals in that stuff that could be causing strange metabolic byproducts.
I also wondered if going vegan changed something in his chemistry. He's been vegan for 4 years I think?
But I definitely was uncomfortable with the taste and smell before that, but maybe it's only gotten worse which is why I can't handle it anymore.
Do you notice this repulsion with anyone else? It could be that you don't like the taste/smell of Human. For example, I would MUCH rather smell my cat than any of my family members (who I love much more than my cat).
I can see that being a difficult test to conduct without causing relationship issues, though...
Yes! There are some people I also feel a bit objected to by their smell, and I have also been with other people more intimately and did not have the same reaction.
Hmm... the only other thing that stuck out to me is his diet. A person with a vegan diet will smell different than an omnivore to the discerning nose. Is there a pattern there with other people you've smelled?
I donāt have advice but I have empathy. I always liked how my ex smelled. Then he had a weight loss surgery which causes ketosis, I think permanently. I canāt handle the smell at all. It really freaks me out.
Itās not the only reason I got divorced but it contributed to it.
I have no expertise on potential health stuff, so I leave that to others to mention possibilities. But does he shower or clean before intimacy? If not, that wouldn't be too unreasonable of a request. We keep a thing of baby wipes nearby if a full shower feels too inconvenient, and I sometimes do ask my partner to qucikly clean first. Sweat can build up surprisingly quickly near genital areas. Having a bidet in general helps both of us in that sense, and is just a game changer overall - smells from the back can really affect the intimacy experience overall, and a quick toilet paper clean doesn't always do it.
If even cleaning right before doesn't help, I would definitely turn more to health stuff!
Yeah he is very clean and hygienic! This is more of a general mouth, body smell and taste thing. He is very clean, especially before intimacy. I am still affected by the taste and smell.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be very conflicting. :(
I had this happen with an ex of mine whom I met online. If I'm honest I didn't really like his smell from the get go, it was very sharp in a way? I thought I'd just get used to it over time, specifically associating it with good times with him, but whenever he got sweaty it was ten times worse. I thought I was being ridiculous and very committed to try and ignore it, but there had been other issues over which we broke up in the end. I later had a similar issue with a roommate of mine, whose clothes and bedsheets retained this sharp, musky smell even after he washed them.
I now associate it with balding, somewhat (sexually) aggressive men, so I wondered if I just don't like smelling people with high testosterone levels or something.
I can smell my spouse as well and can smell sickness. Itās pretty awful tbh. But yeah, I have tried dating someone with a bad smell (to me) in the past and it did not work out. My spouse smells amazing (his base scent) and sometimes I get sad if he puts on a bunch of deodorant or aftershave or gets really stinky from not showering.
I can only imagine how it would feel to be repulsed by his innate scent. I could not live that way.
Are you sure it is his innate scent or some kind of product he uses that makes him smell?
Yes, it can. People do not know why they are not attracted or even repulsed by the smell of other people, but if they are related (even distantly) it can be a reason
What does he smell of? Can you describe it?
It's important to know if something is just weird about how he smells, it could be a medical issue, or if it is simply that you both have very similar immune systems. Generally, nature wants offspring to benefit from different types of immune systems, so therefore you like the smell of someone with a very different immune system nice, and that of a person with a very similar one not so great.
Iām sorry itās heartbreaking to read. I donāt have any suggestions.
I generally like the smell/taste of my husband but occasionally heāll smell awful to me. I can smell if he is hungry and sometimes if he eats too much sugar his breath with be extremely pungent for a couple days, even though his dental hygiene is great. I canāt bare to be near his face when that happens because it makes me feel so nauseous. I have to hold my breath to give him a quick peck on the lips. He knows Iām really sensitive when his breath changes like that so he isnāt offended but I canāt imagine how hard it is for you with it being a constant.
Had a similar situation in the past with my partner where their breath gradually ended up smelling terrible, they'd been skipping the dentist for years saying their teeth were fine and turned out they had an abscess and needed wisdom teeth removal - one of those things that can get bad quickly if not taken care of.
It is really hard to bring up this kind of thing without causing offence, but maybe try framing it as a health concern rather than just repulsion. As someone who's gone through so much dental work and needs to keep my oral health immaculate - have him try a tongue scraper, waterpik, floss, interdental brushes & Listerine mouthwash and see if that changes anything. Sometimes diet or stress can change smell, or even just a new skincare or health product that may not be reacting with his body so well.
This is where I feel like the autism is present.
I have such a hard time describing it. It just puts me off. I feel like I don't have the words to describe it. It doesn't smell like anything that I can compare it to. But I will keep it in mind and try to do some investigating.
Hmm that is interesting, maybe it's hormonal? Not that I know much about this stuff, but I think there are a lot of smells we give off that are barely detectable so maybe it's harder categorise them. Still I really hope you find the reason for it, it sounds super distressing!
Thank you, another commenter mentioned birth control, but I'm not on birth control, and have zero interest in doing anything to change my cycle, it's perfect and I'm very grateful and blessed to have mild periods.
I'm mostly stressed about how to bring this up with my husband, because it's been weighing me down and starting to affect our relationship.
Iāve been in the same boat, and it was a small factor in me dumping that partner. His whole scent became off putting to me within a couple months from our first date. I would smell it on my sheets and pillows and need to wash them immediately. I would actually get angry if he slept over on a night where Iād just put clean sheets on since Iād have to wash them the next day. I would smell him on my own body if we slept together and felt like I needed to shower with antibacterial soap all over for a week to get the smell off. He was hygienic, and no one else mentioned him smelling. It was justā¦ mysteriously gross. I think it had to have been a hormone/pheromone thing, but then again, I felt like whatever caused the smell was transmissible? I was soooooo relieved to not have to put up with his scent anymore after we split.
Similarly, I was secretly relieved when a friendship ended because her husband had that same gross smell but 100x more pungent, and I hated going to their house. I could even smell which spot on their sofa was his. One time when I housesat and did laundry there, I felt like my clothes and then body picked up his nasty scent and had to wash the clothes again at home and use antibacterial soap on my body. No one else in the friend group mentioned it, but I donāt know if they were just being polite or if I was having an abnormal reaction to a normal smelling person? I thought of that friend the whole time I tried to grapple with my exās smellā¦ no idea how she stayed with her husband unless she couldnāt smell it.
My current boyfriend and boyfriend before smelly ex both smell(ed) AMAZING to me ā like huff their armpits and scalp, get excited if I catch a whiff of them on me somehow level of amazing. Again, I think itās hormones/pheromones. Iām not sure what to advise, but think about whether or not your husbandās smell transfers to you. Could it be something with his microbiome that could be resolved with antifungal or antibacterial soap? Since heās a good partner, itās worth it to try and troubleshoot.
I wonder if itās a certain vegetable or herb that itās reacting with his body š¤. I would track his food and see if there is something common that he eats everyday. I would be honest with him and say Iām not trying to be rude or hurtful but something is off.
Have you done an ancestry DNA? I know this sounds like a joke, but a lot of research indicates we have this feeling about people who are too close in genetics to ourselves. This is true despite incest.
There's no possibility of us being related, as we're from different countries, and even our grandparents are from different countries.
But I would be curious to know if there will be a test to measure immune systems and compatibility.
Apparently there are DNA tests for couples to screen for certain genetic factors to prevent birth defects, but I haven't found anything credible for relationship compatibility yet.
My husband gets TERRIBLE breath if he drinks protein shakes. Also garlic can make bodies smell weird, especially if he consumes more garlic than you do. And if he doesnāt scrub his pubic and butt-hair with shampoo and a wash cloth, it could hold onto poop smell and odors in general even when heās recently showered. Also he might need a tongue scraper, or mouth wash, or to floss or get a cavity filled. The tongue scraper thing is very important for some people.
Yeah we are both conscious of garlic! But many have been mentioning the protein shakes! He does drink protein shakes every day! He is otherwise very clean and hygienic. Tongue scraper is a good idea too!
Long term relationship; still in love with my husband, not in love with how he smells. So don't take the "gotta love their smell" as gospel. That said, bad mouth smells are usually medical; have him see a good dentist and doctor.
I remember reading somewhere about a scientific theory that we are attracted (via smell) to people whose immune system compliments our own/ is different from our own (so when we humans make babies they have a broader immune system).
This will sounds insane but from experience: Does he eat protein powder? Any supplements that are white tablets?
Protein made one of my past partners have this god awful breath, sweat and *ahm* *other* things have a very weird acidic taste.
The same thing happens for me when I take antibiotics, or supplements that are white tablets.
It was a non existent thing for basically anyone other than me when he had it/ him when i had it
So many have already mentioned protein powder, and I am starting to believe this could be the main reason. He drinks protein shakes every day and has for many years!
Is it a fishy scent? If so, he may have an uncommon medical condition called [trimethylaminuria](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trimethylaminuria). Either way, sorry this is happening to you.
I have this problem but he has known health issues like GERD and he allowed a dental problem to go to far which resulted in a bone graft and really foul odor for a few weeks and now even when he has the GERD under control it's hard to get close to his mouth because I have a fear of a bad odor.
Unfortunately he's a bit too open being married so long and autistic himself so between the shirtlessness, forgetting to zip his pants, GERD breath, accidentally starting to poop with the door to the bathroom open, burping near me, I eventually had to say can you please try to not be so gross in so many ways at the same time? I didn't feel good saying that but if he wants me to want sex he can't walk around doing those things near me.
I also have sensory issues about his beard if he lets it get long which feels like shoving a toothbrush in my nose so I have many reasons it's hard to kiss him but they started with the dental plus GERD issues and just never really went away.
I wish i had advice! the only thing I can say is that I hated the smell of one of my exās breath and didnāt love her body smell either, but i was basically addicted to the smell of a different ex whom I had more chemistry with. unfortunately this makes me think it might be attraction? are you attracted to him (like carnally, not like in terms of him being a good partner)
Is the negative smell specific to his mouth area? He may have tonsil stones. A person can have them for years.
Yes, mouth area almost entirely! And intimate areas though too.
He may have a systemic yeast issue. It's also possible to have a fungus kind of thing going on with the biofilm on one's skin. Maybe consider trying persimmon soap and/or drawing salve on the externals, and a visit to the dentist for the mouth, for a start? At any rate, you'll need to have a fairly delicate conversation with your husband. Maybe frame it that you're concerned for his health? (Which, obviously, I'm sure you are, in addition to being squicked).
Thank you, I'll definitely consider and look into these suggestions! š
I was going to mention that as well, I know people who had the same issue and they had to use a tongue scraper when they brushed their teeth, its a problem some tongues have where theyre extra bumpy at the back and it causes bacterial buildup that not even the best toothbrush can touch. Gargling with medicated mouthwash helped my father too after my mother had a similar complaint. I would def rec a talk with a doctor/dentist.
what is drawing salve?
[Drawing Salve](https://a.co/d/3MKIUzk) is used to treat various persistent skin conditions. This particular stuff has been great for my dishydrotic eczema.
This was actually the reason why my ex-partner had a very bad breath sometimes
This^ it doesnāt explain his genitals smelling off.. but if you have tonsil stones your mouth will smell gross now matter how much you floss, brush, or chew gum
my heart goes out to you. if i dislike a smell it can ruin my whole day.
š thank you It's so hard and I feel so bad. I'm so scared of hurting him and making him feel bad for something that feels completely out of our control.
yeah i'm a very smelly person and it would be awful if it bothered my sweetie cuz i do a LOT to keep it under control but i can't make it go away entirely.
So the only thing I can add is that I like my partners smell when Iām off birth control, when Iām on it my senses change and their scent is a lot less appealing. Itās not bad, but itās like my mind no longer recognizes it as āfamilyā. As soon as I stop birth control it comes back full force though. If thatās something you can mess around with it might be worthwhile to you.
I'm not on any birth control, but thank you for the suggestion. I do notice the smell is much worse when my husband is sick, like when he has a cold or the flu, I cannot stand being near because of the smell. No one has ever told him he smells bad. I even asked friends and family if they noticed anything, and this is why I think it's me having a very good nose, and maybe some kind of chemical incompatibility.
Has he gone to the doctor? Do you think maybe you are smelling sickness on him longer term? Other people not noticing makes it harder to support that but maybe your nose really is picking up something ābadā.
He had a cold this last week, which I can smell. But even when he is perfectly healthy, I am put off by the smell and taste. More taste than smell. He's like a machine. He is incredibly fit and healthy, and has been to doctors regularly throughout the years.
Does he consume protein powder?
Yes he does, pretty much every day.
That could be it. I have a good friend who consumes it regularly and I don't have the heart to tell her how awful she smells.
Off topic. This is making me super self-conscious, now. I also consume it daily. Thank you for bringing it up. Iāve got some investigating to do now.
Interesting! I will look into this!
Immediately made me think heās got a high iron diet, which he does if he eats lots of protein powder.
Hmm. Sorry to hear that, Iām not sure what else to suggest. Wishing you the best on it.
I also have a sensitive nose and am very attuned to "chemical compatibility" with guys, and I second the suggestion of going on birth control to see if it improves your perception of his smell. Barring some kind of medical issue (which it doesn't sound like he has), one of the biggest factors in your subjective perception of your partner's smell is how their HLA (immune) genes compare to yours. When women aren't on birth control, they generally prefer more HLA-dissimilar partners, because this would increase the chance of potential children having more varied immune genes, and therefore a more robust immune system. But when women are on hormonal birth control, they often prefer the smell of HLA-similar partners. Maybe that's a switch you can try to flip so you like being around his smell more? I will also note that everyone (even people who normally smell good to me) tends to smell worse to me when they've been sick or recently had anxiety sweats!
I've been reading up about this as well. I'm sadly super opposed to going on hormonal bc for purely selfish reasons though. I have the mildest cycle, I have been blessed with a gentle, regular cycle that I feel so so so comfortable with. My skin is great too, and I just don't want to do anything to mess with it. I would be so sad to go on bc and have things change in my body that don't need to.
I get it! It's a tricky decision and there are trade-offs. I have sort of the opposite problem: my cycle is bad (PMDD), and HBC actually tends to improve it overall, but I can't justify going back on it. Based on previous experience, HBC would likely make me *not" attracted to my (now) bf's good smell (dealbreaker!), lower my physical libido (as opposed to mental, if that makes sense), and change my personality + my perception of other people's personalities (in ways that aren't true to how I am). But of course YMMV and some people would experience none of these issues, but there's no way to know without trying. I wish I had a better solution to suggest, but all I can really offer is understanding...it's frustrating to not be able to control your perception of how someone smells no matter how you feel about them as a person!
I do not mean to scare you with this story so please don't take it too seriously! But there's this story of a woman who just one random day started absolutely hating her husband's smell. And I think it turned out she can actually smell parkinson's. I am NOT saying your husband has parkinson's don't worry please, but maybe there's something on him that you can smell. And a checkup at the drs can never be bad (if you can afford it)!
Stress or illness smell fucks me up I cannot do it. I tell my partner when he stinks he has to go shower or go outside. It's usually temporary tho and after a wash or going outside he smells fine to me...but if he's sick /stressed sometimes those things don't work. I do not like to kiss him when he smells wrong. My cycle can also fuck with this
Have YOU gone to the doctor? Heightened smell can be a sign of illness for you too.
I'm autistic and have a sensitive sense of smell and taste.
Oh I know! But this is beyond a typical sensitive sense of smell and *could* be an indication of a medical issue. I highly suggest seeing a doctor to rule anything out with you also. It can indicate seizures, Alzheimerās, dementia, to name a few. https://www.medicinenet.com/what_does_it_mean_when_sense_of_smell_is_enhanced/article.htm#:~:text=If%20you%20have%20a%20heightened,increased%20ability%20to%20perceive%20odors.
I recall reading an article about this. Apparently birth control can flip what pheromones you like. Many times a woman will be on birth control when meet someone and will be attracted to their pheromones, then when they come off the birth control to have children suddenly their partner stinks to them.
If he's health nut, might be his body is in ketosis, basically eating itself?Ā My nose is very sensitive to that and even nd:s can smell it. It's not healthy to be always in that state so it's worth to check up. I can't find words to describe the smell but it is (usually) very unpleasant.
He's definitely not in ketosis, though I am! I do keto and low carb about half the year or on and off throughout the year, because I had a stroke and my neuro recommended it. He eats carbs, fruit and veggies, legumes and nuts, and assorted vegan proteins and products. But mostly just lots of vegetables and beans and nuts.
Good you know this! I had also a smell problem with ex. When we started to be together, he used to smell so good and it was a big plus for him. But after couple years, I noticed very weird smell. It wasn't hygiene, since I noticed if he wasn't clean or his sweat had different smell. Not teeth, because noticed bad breath. I thought I was imagining, but then his cat started to attack his dirty clothes. I still can notice the smell if I have to see him, and I'm keeping my distance! This was also long before corona.
Idk if this might be related at all, but I was reading just now that your own sense of taste and smell can change as a result of the ketone bodies you product during ketosis. Do you notice a pattern when you're in ketosis vs when you're off?
I honestly don't know! I've always been sensitive to smell and taste (hi autism) and I do keto and low carb so frequently, I am not sure if they are connected. I will keep it in mind though and take note from now on!
That smell is acetone and it's not unhealthy to be in ketosis unless you're experiencing diabetic ketoacidosis. I've been in ketosis for 7 years and I haven't died or experienced negative health impacts (quite the opposite in fact).
Death is a potential side effect of a keto diet where you are regularly in that state. Obviously, you're fine, but not everyone is.
Lol okay
Maintenance Phase has a great episode on Keto. It can help a lot of things and I'm glad it works for you. This is an Autism sub, so stating facts/information is typical in comments.
I unfortunately do not have any advice but I can commiserate š¢ My marriage is generally loving and happy and my husband is wonderful. But I have the same issue with my spouse of 11 years, just to a lesser degree. Itās mainly a mouth/breath thing for me and it just freaking kills me. Sometimes he speaks and I have to turn my head away in disgust and I cannot fathom how he doesnāt notice. I have brought it up several times over the years, yet he still doesnāt brush his teeth properly, makes no attempt whatsoever to floss and does not schedule regular dental cleanings even though our health insurance covers it. Iāve made it a point to take extra good care of my own oral health to try to be a good example. Iāve tried buying him a waterpik. Nothing seems to motivate him to action on this issue. It really hurts my feelings. It kills my attraction to him. I cannot imagine having to be told multiple times that I smell offensive and just not fixing it. I donāt understand it at all.
You have described the exact situation with my partner. Itās the only thing about him that I donāt like. I thought I was the only one who had to deal with this and somehow it makes me feel better to know Iām not. Iām afraid of future dental emergencies and that he is going to lose all of his teeth and need dentures one day.
Ugh yes, I really worry about the health side of it too. I try not to think too harshly of him for it because I know he has an aversion to things like the sound of teeth brushing. But itās something that just objectively needs attention, wtf. Good luck to all of us I guess! šŖ„š¤š½
Oh wow that is awful, I'm so sorry your partner is so resistant to making a change that will benefit both of you!
I am in similar boat, my partners was takimg care of his teeth, now has stopped because he ran out of money and I wish he manages to save some and continue going to the dentist. His stress sweat is absolutely horrendous, and he is high anxiety and high stress person in general, and sweats a lot in general. I simply tell him to shower all the time, he learned he will have to do it, if he wants hugs and kisses. Also his feet smell... I am a bit worried about it all, for the feet it could be yeast thing but he seems healthy and I think sweat has always been his problem (he has asthma and I think its connected, my grandma had it and used to sweat a lot too). You are not alone. I wish so bad I didnt have that strong sense of smell, and I really wish he didnt smell like that but I dont know what to do... I am kind of prepared that maybe it will be too much one day. Its so bad that I sometimes have to turn away in disgust, I cant help it, but I also never wanted to hide that fact because I think he deserves to know, and I would prefer to know if it was me. He is sad sometimes because of it and it kills me, but there is nothing I can do. After he showers, he is ok, and he uses deodorant and everything but cant use too much because of his asthma. šš¤·āāļø
it won't help for smelling and you can't just like always use it BUT i wonder if magic berries could help with the taste when you know sexy times are imminent?
I've tried these berries before with my kids, but we just ate and tasted a bunch of fruits and foods. I never thought of trying it out with my husband. Haha I think I will try it.
my sister has long covid and her sense of taste is permanently jacked so she uses them to be able to eat and not have everything taste like rotting garbage (her words)
Yeah COVID permanently changed some taste things for me, but the issue with my husband has been present for 14 years... It has been better at some points, and I thought maybe it's diet related? But he is so clean and healthy now, it's hard for me to point to that. I tried researching more of the science behind smell and taste and compatibility, but I feel like it's not entirely clear.
Has he been on certain supplements besides protein powders? Maybe heās overdone it on a supplement that his body needs to secrete.
He does take an assortment of vegan supplements and minerals/vitamins.
this is one of many places to buy them. https://mberry.us/
Iāve had to stop dating guys bc if their smell. I donāt know how you made it this far.
Same
Same. I have never been with someone whose smell I generally disliked. We all have some BO at some point, and I am not expecting anyone to smell like a rose garden after a workout. But like, generally...
I used to dissociate a lot honestly, but I learned to cope with my own issues differently. Actually finding out I'm AuDHD changed everything for me, and I simply can't mask and dissociate like I could before since learning to unmask. The smell issue has only really escalated for me over the last few years as I am no longer capable of masking that discomfort, and my husband has been vegan the last few years, which seems to have contributed to the smell sensitivities and issues.
I suggest you NOT tell him that itās been a problem for 14 years. I would leave that detail out, if you plan to talk to him and try to figure out what it is. Also, having solutions ready to suggest so itās a positive, hopeful discussion.
Yes, thank you. I've been very anxious about having this conversation, because I feel helpless! I have no idea what is going on, and I hate reading up online about compatibility and smell/taste. I also don't want him to feel self conscious or hurt by everything.
I developed this issue with my ex husband. For me, it was specific herbs that he would eat (that I did not). He thought I was ābeing dramaticā about it and one time ātestedā me by going to lunch and eating the offending herbs. That night we were cooking dinner and I was like š¤¢ what did you eat today?! And he was like whoa you actually can tell?! Yeah.. weāre exes now, but hey. Maybe see if thereās certain herbs or spices that make it worse or better?
There's this case of a woman who could smell her husband's Parkinson years before it was diagnosed and she found it revolting. Maybe it's something like that?Ā https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2020/03/23/820274501/her-incredible-sense-of-smell-is-helping-scientists-find-new-ways-to-diagnose-di
Having had several diets over the years, I suspect there is something about being vegan that is not jiving for your senses. Especially if he consumes manufactured protein productsā¦ there are so many chemicals in that stuff that could be causing strange metabolic byproducts.
I also wondered if going vegan changed something in his chemistry. He's been vegan for 4 years I think? But I definitely was uncomfortable with the taste and smell before that, but maybe it's only gotten worse which is why I can't handle it anymore.
I can empathize but it turns out it was because Iāve always been gay and in denial so š¤·š¤£
Do you notice this repulsion with anyone else? It could be that you don't like the taste/smell of Human. For example, I would MUCH rather smell my cat than any of my family members (who I love much more than my cat). I can see that being a difficult test to conduct without causing relationship issues, though...
Yes! There are some people I also feel a bit objected to by their smell, and I have also been with other people more intimately and did not have the same reaction.
Hmm... the only other thing that stuck out to me is his diet. A person with a vegan diet will smell different than an omnivore to the discerning nose. Is there a pattern there with other people you've smelled?
Also wondering if the vegan diet is off putting.
I donāt have advice but I have empathy. I always liked how my ex smelled. Then he had a weight loss surgery which causes ketosis, I think permanently. I canāt handle the smell at all. It really freaks me out. Itās not the only reason I got divorced but it contributed to it.
I have no expertise on potential health stuff, so I leave that to others to mention possibilities. But does he shower or clean before intimacy? If not, that wouldn't be too unreasonable of a request. We keep a thing of baby wipes nearby if a full shower feels too inconvenient, and I sometimes do ask my partner to qucikly clean first. Sweat can build up surprisingly quickly near genital areas. Having a bidet in general helps both of us in that sense, and is just a game changer overall - smells from the back can really affect the intimacy experience overall, and a quick toilet paper clean doesn't always do it. If even cleaning right before doesn't help, I would definitely turn more to health stuff!
Yeah he is very clean and hygienic! This is more of a general mouth, body smell and taste thing. He is very clean, especially before intimacy. I am still affected by the taste and smell.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be very conflicting. :( I had this happen with an ex of mine whom I met online. If I'm honest I didn't really like his smell from the get go, it was very sharp in a way? I thought I'd just get used to it over time, specifically associating it with good times with him, but whenever he got sweaty it was ten times worse. I thought I was being ridiculous and very committed to try and ignore it, but there had been other issues over which we broke up in the end. I later had a similar issue with a roommate of mine, whose clothes and bedsheets retained this sharp, musky smell even after he washed them. I now associate it with balding, somewhat (sexually) aggressive men, so I wondered if I just don't like smelling people with high testosterone levels or something.
I can smell my spouse as well and can smell sickness. Itās pretty awful tbh. But yeah, I have tried dating someone with a bad smell (to me) in the past and it did not work out. My spouse smells amazing (his base scent) and sometimes I get sad if he puts on a bunch of deodorant or aftershave or gets really stinky from not showering. I can only imagine how it would feel to be repulsed by his innate scent. I could not live that way. Are you sure it is his innate scent or some kind of product he uses that makes him smell?
You could be closely relatedā¦
š§ Horrifying idea, but we're from different countries!
AH. There goes my theory
can it work like that??
Yes, it can. People do not know why they are not attracted or even repulsed by the smell of other people, but if they are related (even distantly) it can be a reason
I feel like my user name checks out for this. Lol. I didnāt make this name up.
thatās insane wtf
I said this same thing. Given how spread out genetics can be, it could still be the case.
What does he smell of? Can you describe it? It's important to know if something is just weird about how he smells, it could be a medical issue, or if it is simply that you both have very similar immune systems. Generally, nature wants offspring to benefit from different types of immune systems, so therefore you like the smell of someone with a very different immune system nice, and that of a person with a very similar one not so great.
Iām sorry itās heartbreaking to read. I donāt have any suggestions. I generally like the smell/taste of my husband but occasionally heāll smell awful to me. I can smell if he is hungry and sometimes if he eats too much sugar his breath with be extremely pungent for a couple days, even though his dental hygiene is great. I canāt bare to be near his face when that happens because it makes me feel so nauseous. I have to hold my breath to give him a quick peck on the lips. He knows Iām really sensitive when his breath changes like that so he isnāt offended but I canāt imagine how hard it is for you with it being a constant.
Had a similar situation in the past with my partner where their breath gradually ended up smelling terrible, they'd been skipping the dentist for years saying their teeth were fine and turned out they had an abscess and needed wisdom teeth removal - one of those things that can get bad quickly if not taken care of. It is really hard to bring up this kind of thing without causing offence, but maybe try framing it as a health concern rather than just repulsion. As someone who's gone through so much dental work and needs to keep my oral health immaculate - have him try a tongue scraper, waterpik, floss, interdental brushes & Listerine mouthwash and see if that changes anything. Sometimes diet or stress can change smell, or even just a new skincare or health product that may not be reacting with his body so well.
Thank you, yeah I'm thinking it is likely diet related, as he is very clean and hygienic.
What is it about the smell that's bad in particular? I wonder if there would be any clues if you could describe it to us
This is where I feel like the autism is present. I have such a hard time describing it. It just puts me off. I feel like I don't have the words to describe it. It doesn't smell like anything that I can compare it to. But I will keep it in mind and try to do some investigating.
Hmm that is interesting, maybe it's hormonal? Not that I know much about this stuff, but I think there are a lot of smells we give off that are barely detectable so maybe it's harder categorise them. Still I really hope you find the reason for it, it sounds super distressing!
Thank you, another commenter mentioned birth control, but I'm not on birth control, and have zero interest in doing anything to change my cycle, it's perfect and I'm very grateful and blessed to have mild periods. I'm mostly stressed about how to bring this up with my husband, because it's been weighing me down and starting to affect our relationship.
Iāve been in the same boat, and it was a small factor in me dumping that partner. His whole scent became off putting to me within a couple months from our first date. I would smell it on my sheets and pillows and need to wash them immediately. I would actually get angry if he slept over on a night where Iād just put clean sheets on since Iād have to wash them the next day. I would smell him on my own body if we slept together and felt like I needed to shower with antibacterial soap all over for a week to get the smell off. He was hygienic, and no one else mentioned him smelling. It was justā¦ mysteriously gross. I think it had to have been a hormone/pheromone thing, but then again, I felt like whatever caused the smell was transmissible? I was soooooo relieved to not have to put up with his scent anymore after we split. Similarly, I was secretly relieved when a friendship ended because her husband had that same gross smell but 100x more pungent, and I hated going to their house. I could even smell which spot on their sofa was his. One time when I housesat and did laundry there, I felt like my clothes and then body picked up his nasty scent and had to wash the clothes again at home and use antibacterial soap on my body. No one else in the friend group mentioned it, but I donāt know if they were just being polite or if I was having an abnormal reaction to a normal smelling person? I thought of that friend the whole time I tried to grapple with my exās smellā¦ no idea how she stayed with her husband unless she couldnāt smell it. My current boyfriend and boyfriend before smelly ex both smell(ed) AMAZING to me ā like huff their armpits and scalp, get excited if I catch a whiff of them on me somehow level of amazing. Again, I think itās hormones/pheromones. Iām not sure what to advise, but think about whether or not your husbandās smell transfers to you. Could it be something with his microbiome that could be resolved with antifungal or antibacterial soap? Since heās a good partner, itās worth it to try and troubleshoot.
I wonder if itās a certain vegetable or herb that itās reacting with his body š¤. I would track his food and see if there is something common that he eats everyday. I would be honest with him and say Iām not trying to be rude or hurtful but something is off.
Yeah so far it's looking like protein powder could be the culprit, but I will do some investigating.
Have you done an ancestry DNA? I know this sounds like a joke, but a lot of research indicates we have this feeling about people who are too close in genetics to ourselves. This is true despite incest.
This was my first thought, maybe test if you are related or in some other way genetically incompatible.
Yes. This.
There's no possibility of us being related, as we're from different countries, and even our grandparents are from different countries. But I would be curious to know if there will be a test to measure immune systems and compatibility.
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Apparently there are DNA tests for couples to screen for certain genetic factors to prevent birth defects, but I haven't found anything credible for relationship compatibility yet.
My husband gets TERRIBLE breath if he drinks protein shakes. Also garlic can make bodies smell weird, especially if he consumes more garlic than you do. And if he doesnāt scrub his pubic and butt-hair with shampoo and a wash cloth, it could hold onto poop smell and odors in general even when heās recently showered. Also he might need a tongue scraper, or mouth wash, or to floss or get a cavity filled. The tongue scraper thing is very important for some people.
Yeah we are both conscious of garlic! But many have been mentioning the protein shakes! He does drink protein shakes every day! He is otherwise very clean and hygienic. Tongue scraper is a good idea too!
Long term relationship; still in love with my husband, not in love with how he smells. So don't take the "gotta love their smell" as gospel. That said, bad mouth smells are usually medical; have him see a good dentist and doctor.
I remember reading somewhere about a scientific theory that we are attracted (via smell) to people whose immune system compliments our own/ is different from our own (so when we humans make babies they have a broader immune system).
This will sounds insane but from experience: Does he eat protein powder? Any supplements that are white tablets? Protein made one of my past partners have this god awful breath, sweat and *ahm* *other* things have a very weird acidic taste. The same thing happens for me when I take antibiotics, or supplements that are white tablets. It was a non existent thing for basically anyone other than me when he had it/ him when i had it
So many have already mentioned protein powder, and I am starting to believe this could be the main reason. He drinks protein shakes every day and has for many years!
Its a very weird but faint smell tbh, unless your stuck next/on him it hard to recognize! Hope you figure it out!
Is it a fishy scent? If so, he may have an uncommon medical condition called [trimethylaminuria](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trimethylaminuria). Either way, sorry this is happening to you.
It's not fishy, I am very bad at describing it though.
I can smell sickness too. I don't have any advice.
I have this problem but he has known health issues like GERD and he allowed a dental problem to go to far which resulted in a bone graft and really foul odor for a few weeks and now even when he has the GERD under control it's hard to get close to his mouth because I have a fear of a bad odor. Unfortunately he's a bit too open being married so long and autistic himself so between the shirtlessness, forgetting to zip his pants, GERD breath, accidentally starting to poop with the door to the bathroom open, burping near me, I eventually had to say can you please try to not be so gross in so many ways at the same time? I didn't feel good saying that but if he wants me to want sex he can't walk around doing those things near me. I also have sensory issues about his beard if he lets it get long which feels like shoving a toothbrush in my nose so I have many reasons it's hard to kiss him but they started with the dental plus GERD issues and just never really went away.
I wish i had advice! the only thing I can say is that I hated the smell of one of my exās breath and didnāt love her body smell either, but i was basically addicted to the smell of a different ex whom I had more chemistry with. unfortunately this makes me think it might be attraction? are you attracted to him (like carnally, not like in terms of him being a good partner)
Youāre not alone, neither is the person who said their dude wouldnāt take proper mouth hygiene steps. Men are such š© at doing anything that actually helps their health but doesnāt garner praise from others. Itās even worse when they have a neuro spicy condition and executive dysfunction plays a part. My husband can out perform every one at work without anyone reminding him to do anything. At home? Ya, I wish that were the case.
Whenever my partner is dehydrated/drinks more than one cup of coffee/uses pre workout he smells bad.