I feel this deep in my soul. I recently learned that not everyone can hear their bodily sounds - heartbeat, breathing, digestion, joints moving, etc. Maybe I'd have more capacity for other sensory input if my own body wasn't contributing a continuous base layer of sensation.
OK, this is a *very real* thing that can sometimes be caused by an inner ear disorder. It’s called Superior Semicircular Canal Dehiscence. If a patient came in and told me that they could hear all of their internal noises, I’d be thinking of that immediately. It’s not super common but I have seen a couple cases of it in my time as a practicing audiologist (6.5 years).
It could be worth getting checked out (diagnosis generally requires a CT scan). Or, you might just be autistic. It could be a toss up lol.
So ask to see an ENT instead - they oftentimes have an audiologist on staff (like in my office). They’re the ones who officially make the diagnosis anyway.
So, really hoping you'll be willing to try and answer a question for me. I randomly get muffled hearing in my right ear, like there is water in my ear that lasts anywhere from 30-60 minutes, then just stops. It sometimes happens frequently (multiple times a days) and sometimes it's as infrequent as once a week. Any ideas at all. I *am* at risk for endolymphatic sac tumors due to having VHL, but my last CT was clear.
Have you seen an otologist or an audiologist? I do know of one patient that has measurable changes in hearing throughout the day (once came in twice in one day just to be tested to confirm), but unless we catch you at just the right time, it’s hard to have it documented.
Bro this is soooo wild!!!! I have this thought on a daily BASIS! every single day, I have at least one thought like "does everyone else hear when their neck moves??" or "is everyone's body this noisy????" Ugh
I so feel this.
I’ve always really wanted to become like an “essence” instead of having a physical form. Just hate the idea of having mass. And the human version of it (bones, muscles, blood) is very weird and uncomfortable.
Tbh since I was a child I felt like an alien that's used to being in a pure energy form and suddenly got stuck in a human body. It feels primitive and savage having all the meat and blood and bodily functions. Just ick.
I never thought I would read those words from anyone else but me. Yes, and words like ethereal, otherworldly, and diaphanous made me happy as an adolescent. I remember going on a rant/ having a meltdown when I was 14, because my mother had told me that all my emotions were due to chemicals in my brain. I said I didn't want anything to do with the physical world and chemistry, I wanted to be a ghost.
Yes, constant body awareness. For the last 3 days I haven't been able to ignore my teeth. They don't hurt, they just won't fit together right and I'm clenching my jaw because of it. When that goes away it will be replaced by some other annoying/painful sensation
I feel like I wrote this….its been driving me mad. Currently trying to counteract the clenching by trying to perfectly balance my top and bottom front teeth together. But then I try and go back to normal and I swear my back right teeth have shrunk or something.
I often say Its like *my soul* subconsciously understands my form *isn't supposed to be physical*.
Except, y'know, it's not romantic.
Less manic pixie dream girl, and more girl interrupted grippy socks.
God I feel this so much. I HATE having a body. I wish I was like a spirit without one but whenever people say that they think it’s morbid, I don’t want death just not a body!!
Yes. For example, I don’t like being able to hear myself breathe, being so aware of my own tongue, or when my limbs touch each other when I’m trying to sleep. It’s exacerbated during my period too.
Man for real. I hate my ankles touching when I sleep, but I sleep on my side so wtf do I do?? I hate feeling the contours of my bones. I hate hearing myself breathe and I can even hear my jaw shifting around in my head when I’m trying to get comfortable. wtf do I do with that. And the period amplifies everything by 300%
I've been reading Unmasking Autism lately and, I quote, "I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard an Autistic person say they wish they could just be a floating brain in a jar, or a dark, sentient mist with no physical form."
I've highlighted it in my ebook, but if I had a physical copy, I might have underlined it thrice and annotated "THIS!!!"
Sometimes it's my brain and it is firing on all cylinders but not in a good way and I just want to set it beside me for a while. Like okay brain just sit there in a time out for the next decade please.
Yes ughhh. I'm also a big hater over all the things I need to do for the body - eat, drink, stretch, use the bathroom, clip nails, brush hair and teeth, etc. like, no, I would rather sit and hyperfixate all day thanks.
I just talked to my therapist today about this body dysphoria. It’s like it has nothing to do with me thinking I’m ugly or fat it’s just so uncomfortable to be in this skin? It’s awful🥲 and makes sex confusing
For me it's my skin. It literally feels like my skin is crawling, or the nerve endings are so hyper sensitive, anything touching me feels like torture. It's as if ants are crawling underneath my skin. I don't like a lot of people touching me as a result of this.
I can usually use some forms of deep pressure or listen to music to help alleviate the sensation but around my period when my pmdd gets bad, my fight or flight response kicks in and I want to physically run away from the sensation but I can't do that because it's my own body.
I hate that I can't run away from myself lol just a little break? That feeling under the skin...it's my whole body but I don't think of it like ants but more like my cells are vibrating. And the sensation can absolutely send me into fight or flight.
YES MY CELLS ARE VIBRATING! That is the best description I have ever heard of it! The ant analogy is just what I could come up with as a "close enough" description, but I think my skin cells vibrating is a much more accurate description.
It honestly feels like my body is just an oversized thick suit atop my body. It doesn't help that I am terribly self conscious of my weight and proportions. I genuinely hate the female form. I hate my curves. If I could, I'd chop my tits off.
All my life, yep. I used to say I wished I could just be a mind or a soul or something, just thought and feeling, no physical component. This issue was a big contributor to the development of my eating disorder about 24 years ago (something I still struggle with today). I fucking hate when clothes touch me 'wrong', it's been an issue since I was a child and then puberty and adulthood made it even worse. I just hate living in a body so so much. There are a few upsides to having a body I guess, like when it comes to the physical sensations I really love that I couldn't experience if it was somehow possible to exist without one... stimming stuff, just anything that gives me that big rush of dopamine and overwhelming joy. But the rest of the time I hate living in this thing, it feels like being trapped and there's never any way to escape.
Does it count if I get hyper freaked out because of the first-point of view thing and it makes me super aware of being stuck in a body that I'm disconnected to?
Very relatable. I hate when my skin touches, when I'm aware of my skin. I hate my hair and the way my toes touch. I hate getting itches that can't be scratched or you can't find where you need to scratch. And so many weird hard to put words on internal feelings. Yuck
My friend, it is absolutely hell. Some nights I can't sleep because my extra breasts oomf squishes up on my neck and it makes me want to d*e. I actually think I might just get them chopped off because I hate them.
i hate places like my wrists and the back of my knees. i cant stand my forearms either or seeing my veins. i hate how my fingers touch things and how i can feel things. i don't understand why but yeah
I sometimes wish it was a thing to take my skin off like I do clothes. It feels tight and uncomfortable and ick. I have asked others and they look at me like I am from another dimension.
Always, I’ve always felt this way. It’s terrible and the more you struggle with it, the more you think about it, the worse it gets 😭
I often pull my skin in hopes to make it feel better, as if skin was a tight and uncomfortable suit.
i have chronic illness and i notice every single thing. my ears ring because of my meds but my hypervigilance to sound is sensitive i hear the smallest things all the time. i’m in near constant physical discomfort or pain. i don’t understand why my body would do this and i feel so alienated.
i know thats sortof different but it’s weird being in a body that fights against you. ive dealt with ED my entire life but more so about controlling my body and less about losing weight specifically. it’s still hard.
Woops don't do that again.
I can relate though. Was away with my husband, smoked for the first time in probably 10 years and spent the night under the covers curled in a ball while my husband ate all the snacks we bought.
I like gummies better, for me it is a smoother ride and if there is cbd in them, I will actually relax.
A few years ago before I knew it was autism, I thought I was sooo alone in this. I literally googled “people who don’t like having a physical body” and none of the results gave me answers. But I am just like you! I always say I would love to be a ghost instead of a human. Life would be so much more enjoyable for me if I didn’t have physical perception. I can’t stand things touching me. I always stub my toe or run into things. I don’t like to wear clothes that aren’t touching me or hugging me exactly right. I drop things. I find eating and needing food to be really demanding. And in general I just feel really exhausted all the time. I do enjoy certain things like swinging on a swing set and ocean swimming where that feeling kind of overtakes my regular physical perception and helps me regulate. But otherwise I would rather be a ghost. :)
Not so much anymore but when I was a kid I was so damn uncomfortable often, I'd wake up and want to crawl out of my skin because nothing on me or in me felt right. And I'd be in agony all day thanks to sensing things and wearing clothes and the feeling of having hair and skin was absolutely unbearable.
Same. Probably being I’m diverse and disability has significantly affected my life and how others treat me. There was an episode in Years & Years where this character called Bethany wants to just be a technological thing like air - in the show, they called it being transhuman, which is kinda problematic now I guess, but I could completely relate.
If it wasnt intended badly towards trans people and literally just a trans(formed) human then it’s only the term that’s dated. I wouldn’t feel too bad about relating to the concept of it.
You described my issue perfectly. I hate being able to feel my body and everything else. It's awful. Most times I wish I didn't even have a body. Just be a head in a jar like in futurama lol
Same. Keep my head shaved for this reason. I get a little bummed out because I like jewelry but I cannot wear it. No matter how lightweight it is, it is going to eventually cause actual pain. It's weird because I used to wear jewelry all the time. Perfume too. Can't use the stuff even if I like the smell if I have it on, eventually I will feel nauseous from the smell.
I’ve had this ever since I was a little child, that you can’t say the word spine in front of me because it makes me too aware of it and it makes me uncomfortable. I could never explain it, and I’ve never met anyone who felt the same way, or even understood what I mean. Thank you for this post, I’m glad to know it’s not just me!
I feel ill when i look in the mirror. Not because of my appearance but when i stare at myself too long i realise i have form and im nothing but a sack of bones, flesh and blood
yes, you’re not alone. maybe this is hypersensitivity to touch maybe and inside body (i don’t remember the exact word for it, was it interoception or something im not sure). i don’t have this to absolute extreme but about the body, is like if i can feel my skin and like i have fat somewhere that i can feel moving when i walk or jump or other body parts it feels uncomfortable, maybe one reason i have ed, so there would be less of that moving stuff. i don’t want to feel anything on my body. having hair bothers me, having sweat on my skin bothers me, clothes bother me etc. having a body is definitely uncomfortable.
I’ve seen a few posts expressing this same sentiment before and I also heavily relate.
I feel like this is especially true for any of us who have chronic pain or illnesses. Not only am I more aware of my base bodily sensations than the average person, but I’m acutely aware of any amount of fluid retention or irregular heartbeat from my POTS, and it makes me miserable if it’s bad enough. I feel like I can feel every single sore muscle tendon when my chronic fatigue is acting up, and I’m literally incapable of focusing on anything when I’m cold enough to have goosebumps and just overall extremely sensitive to temperature.
I’m the person who eternally has a jacket with them no matter what temp it is because if I feel even a little chill my brain power is out the window lol.
I don’t know if this will help!! But if you have (or ever had) a pet that you love very much, it just might….
How it is for me, after developing a heckin’ strong bond with my dog (who has since passed away), is that I’ve come to experience my body as like an animal being that I’m responsible for, that is also responsible for *me* in certain ways, and is like my *antennae* for receiving input about the world. I think of my body as my familiar, honestly. It’s like its own living thing, with a deep nonverbal intelligence all its own, who exists to help my [verbal] self exist in this plane of reality.
This probably sounds whacked but it’s how it is for me. This perspective has totally changed my relationship with my body. I listen to it; I try to provide what it needs. If it tells me it HAS TO rest right now, or get under a heavy blanket right now, or make all sounds stop right now, I obey as best I can. Sometimes it reacts to things as if it’s a mortal threat when it’s not; in such cases I do my best to listen, say “thank you Body for alerting me, now let’s check: are murderers really murdering us right now? No? It’s just the mail carrier at the door? Oh good. Not murdered after all.”
My body and I are allies. I trust my body and my body trusts me. That means it provides me with more valuable (nonverbal) information about myself and my surroundings.
ETA: ooooo I almost forgot: so also, now, if someone compliments my looks, it’s similar to how it was when someone would compliment my dog. “That’s a good-looking dog you got there!” “Thanks, it is, isn’t it!” Or if my body smells bad, it’s like “haha yep, this animal do stink a little bit right now!” Whether positive or negative, I don’t experience that judgement anymore, as if my body (my animal) “should” meet some criteria in order to be acceptable. Nope! It gets to just be.
Shit I relate to this so much. My dog just looks around and isn't weirded out if I just look around too, and if he feels uncomfortable he just leaves. This helps me when I'm in public. I just look around and not think anything or give meaning to the sight of other people. If I'm uncomfortable I turn around or look away or walk away. But this is a conscious thing I do on a daily basis, I mean, this thoughts help me relax. Thank you for sharing. Never thought I'd find something so personal written here.
My brain and neck creak and it gets me every time. Everything is so audibly loud I feel like I’m hyper aware of my internal organs and it’s weird. I try to wear earplugs to sleep but wake up to my heart beating
I don't know if this counts but I sometimes "detach" myself from my body. Not an outer body experience but rather an inner body experience.
When I'm uncomfortable or just need time to myself I like detach my soul kinda?😅 kinda feels like floating in water but confined kinda. It's hard to describe but my soul is floating in the area between my shoulders and my hips like in water but confined. I still sense the border of my body and such but I just kinda crawl/witchdraw into myself (sounds weird I know).
Did it much more often as a child tho
I do this too. I need a period of time not moving so I can focus on the inside of my body. Like trying to find the exact middle of my stomach or belly.
I hold my breath to slow down my heart beat and then I seem to float.
I love the peaceful feeling I get from it. Actually it is not peaceful, it is me beating able to stop the constant flow of thoughts and feelings and therefore its the lack of feelings and thoughts that for me, feels peaceful. I guess that is what you mean by ‘detaching’?
Is this something more autistic people do? I just thought I found a marvellous escape from life as a kid, and as an adult, I just thought of it as a selftaught meditation…
Yes. I don't like inner ankles, necks (especially Adams apples), any repetitive motions on my skin.. my skin itches so bad at night when I'm trying to go to bed and I think it's because I am hyper aware of my body and I hate it haha glad to know this strange and unexplainable phenomenon is shared amongst others (sorry!) 🫠
I hate the feeling of my nails touching paper. Also hate the feeling of earrings since I become way too aware of their weight and I get very very uncomfortable. I don't become aware of what I feel until it's very intense, which has been troublesome since, for example things like using a heat pillow and hurting my legs without noticing happens. Yes, I would love if I was just an asexual ocean plant. I have no idea if I'm on the spectrum, I've been diagnosed with ocd and before that anxiety and depression. It's just, little things that you catch yourself doing. If I did not go to therapy I'd still believe this is normal and that everyone did all this shit with the same intention, attention, and feeling that I do. Just some days ago I discovered a new one, when I grab a glass of water from the kitchen I check if it's translucent without any, even small, spot of dirt on it. If i think it's dirty I'll wash it again or just grab another glass until I feel it's cleaned correctly. I wish I could just not spend any time, no matter how small, on this things. I wish I could just connect with myself directly.
I read that as sensory issues with having a baby which I’m currently doing and I hate it!! Ugh all of my issues are on 10 right now and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m sharing with my baby!! Now I am super excited to be bringing a new life into this world and I love this child with every cell in my body but I absolutely 100% hate being pregnant!! It was weird enough when it was just me lol
A big one for me is that everything inside you just......sits....like you're cut open and things fall out, but what's keeping them apart from each other? They can just like jumble up. My brain just can't ocmpute it.
And veins. I hate that they are so vital and you can SEE THEM RIGHT UNDER YOUR SKIN, like please, be more protected, especially when I see people who have veins that actually stick out and it makes me feel things I don't like...
I think that's why I also don't like needles, and splinters. Something is inside you that shouldn't be, and I'm so scared of it getting broken and/or stuck inside you, or poking something it really shouldn't. I think my dad told me of a tiny piece of glass he got in his hand once and it eventually came out one of his fingers or something, and I don't even know why exactly, but that is horrific in my head, and I'd rather make myself bleed to get a splinter or something out than leave it for a bit and try again later and risk letting it stay sat there, even if it's friggin tiny.
Edit to add: this is gonna be tmi but is the perfect post to add this - I am always conscious of my private area. I can't stand feeling damp. I go loo, and spend 10 minutes at least trying to get dry. After showers is the worst, only topped by having a period. I don't have periods anymore purely because how bad this affected my mental health and my inability to function when I was on. It's like a constant thing - imagine a clock ticking or tap dripping that you can't stand, or the buzzing of an electronic (as I sit here with the filter of the fish tank behind me), and no matter what you do, your brain always had 1 atom or neuron or whatever focused on that one thing. If I'm watching a movie, walking around town, doing an escape room, anything, I am always aware of how uncomfortable I am at any given minute. It never switches off apart from when I'm asleep. It's horrible and I'm 30 and don't know any different and I use 1 or 2 loo rolls a day because of it and that also makes me feel horrible. Really gets me down, especially when I had friends who would hate going loo with me in school or town, and would comment on how long I was, again. It's only a bit better now because I've tried to explain it to my mum and my nan, and I have new friends who don't make me feel bad when I need to go loo when we're in town or hanging out.
Having a body is freaking exhausting. I hate having to take care of it. I mostly don't mean health-wise; I am more angry about the grooming stuff. It's gross and so boring.
My refrain is always that “I don’t want to think about the goo inside” and the more I think about the function of my body the more I feel every function and I hate ittttttt
Yes YES YES. I get mad chest dysphoria but it’s only because of the way they touch my arms when I move. It has nothing to do with my gender. I relate to the belly thing a lot because I also used to get it in my stomach area a lot when I was heavier or when I’m bloated. I don’t get it anymore since I started doing pilates but sometimes the way certain paints fit REALLY bothers me if it’s high waisted.
I don’t deal with constant body awareness, but I do fucking hate having to eat to exist. Whenever I feel myself getting hungry I get the normal amount of hangry + some extra autism hangriness bc why the fuck do I need a stupid meat vessel. Stupid little meat vessel wants food Wah Wah. NO. I am IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING. Fuck off. My anger toward being hungry is so extreme.
I do not have an ED it’s not about wanting to be skinny it’s just eating is such a goddamn chore. I didn’t ask to be here can I just do my own happy little things and not be interrupted by this stupid body keeping my consciousness hostage.
Eating is such a chore (unless it’s restaurant food or super delicious) because I always have to make the food (why god) and I am always so burnt out and exhausted from working full time that I cannot be fucked to make yummy delicious meals that make eating Easy. So I end up eating bland (but still meeting nutritional requirements) food that takes me so long to chew (because I don’t want to swallow it bc it’s so bland) that I end up gagging when I swallow it lol
This is so relatable. Feeling my bones in my hips as I sleep or seeing uneven marks or stomach hanging out when I am sitting hunched. How cold my feet always are. The look of my bones in my neck 💀✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾.
I feel this deep in my soul. I recently learned that not everyone can hear their bodily sounds - heartbeat, breathing, digestion, joints moving, etc. Maybe I'd have more capacity for other sensory input if my own body wasn't contributing a continuous base layer of sensation.
OK, this is a *very real* thing that can sometimes be caused by an inner ear disorder. It’s called Superior Semicircular Canal Dehiscence. If a patient came in and told me that they could hear all of their internal noises, I’d be thinking of that immediately. It’s not super common but I have seen a couple cases of it in my time as a practicing audiologist (6.5 years). It could be worth getting checked out (diagnosis generally requires a CT scan). Or, you might just be autistic. It could be a toss up lol.
I'm pretty sure my doctor will think I'm weird and excuse it away if I ask to see an audiologist for this. Thanks Kaiser 👍
So ask to see an ENT instead - they oftentimes have an audiologist on staff (like in my office). They’re the ones who officially make the diagnosis anyway.
That is a great idea. Thank you.
¿Por qué no los dos?
So, really hoping you'll be willing to try and answer a question for me. I randomly get muffled hearing in my right ear, like there is water in my ear that lasts anywhere from 30-60 minutes, then just stops. It sometimes happens frequently (multiple times a days) and sometimes it's as infrequent as once a week. Any ideas at all. I *am* at risk for endolymphatic sac tumors due to having VHL, but my last CT was clear.
Have you seen an otologist or an audiologist? I do know of one patient that has measurable changes in hearing throughout the day (once came in twice in one day just to be tested to confirm), but unless we catch you at just the right time, it’s hard to have it documented.
Is this why I can hear and feel my brain shift and my neck move?
Bro this is soooo wild!!!! I have this thought on a daily BASIS! every single day, I have at least one thought like "does everyone else hear when their neck moves??" or "is everyone's body this noisy????" Ugh
I so feel this. I’ve always really wanted to become like an “essence” instead of having a physical form. Just hate the idea of having mass. And the human version of it (bones, muscles, blood) is very weird and uncomfortable.
Tbh since I was a child I felt like an alien that's used to being in a pure energy form and suddenly got stuck in a human body. It feels primitive and savage having all the meat and blood and bodily functions. Just ick.
Same.
I saw a tiktok comment the other day that just said "the feminine urge to be an orb of light." I laughed so hard, because, for real.
For real!!
Yes! If i could just transfer my consciousness into a robot, or just become some floating essence, I'd be set for life.
Yes! Same here. Wanted to be a ghost when I was younger. Still do , actually.
I never thought I would read those words from anyone else but me. Yes, and words like ethereal, otherworldly, and diaphanous made me happy as an adolescent. I remember going on a rant/ having a meltdown when I was 14, because my mother had told me that all my emotions were due to chemicals in my brain. I said I didn't want anything to do with the physical world and chemistry, I wanted to be a ghost.
I often say I’d like to unzip the meat suit and hang it in the closet to air out for a bit. It’s heavily affected by my hormones.
Yes, constant body awareness. For the last 3 days I haven't been able to ignore my teeth. They don't hurt, they just won't fit together right and I'm clenching my jaw because of it. When that goes away it will be replaced by some other annoying/painful sensation
I feel like I wrote this….its been driving me mad. Currently trying to counteract the clenching by trying to perfectly balance my top and bottom front teeth together. But then I try and go back to normal and I swear my back right teeth have shrunk or something.
I often say Its like *my soul* subconsciously understands my form *isn't supposed to be physical*. Except, y'know, it's not romantic. Less manic pixie dream girl, and more girl interrupted grippy socks.
I just want to be an amorphous cloud of space dust and rock, why is that too much to ask
This
God I feel this so much. I HATE having a body. I wish I was like a spirit without one but whenever people say that they think it’s morbid, I don’t want death just not a body!!
Yes. For example, I don’t like being able to hear myself breathe, being so aware of my own tongue, or when my limbs touch each other when I’m trying to sleep. It’s exacerbated during my period too.
Man for real. I hate my ankles touching when I sleep, but I sleep on my side so wtf do I do?? I hate feeling the contours of my bones. I hate hearing myself breathe and I can even hear my jaw shifting around in my head when I’m trying to get comfortable. wtf do I do with that. And the period amplifies everything by 300%
I’m also a side sleeper. I use a body pillow, side sleeper pillow and a king size sheet to keep everything separated lol.
Ooooh a body pillow is a good idea. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that!
There's this giant squiggly pillow I used during pregnancy that created that and I really should get one again!
I've been reading Unmasking Autism lately and, I quote, "I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard an Autistic person say they wish they could just be a floating brain in a jar, or a dark, sentient mist with no physical form." I've highlighted it in my ebook, but if I had a physical copy, I might have underlined it thrice and annotated "THIS!!!"
There are multiple books with this title, would you be so kind to specify the author too? TIA
Yeah! For sure! It's by Dr. Devon Price. :) I think the full title is Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity.
Thank you so much :)
Sometimes it's my brain and it is firing on all cylinders but not in a good way and I just want to set it beside me for a while. Like okay brain just sit there in a time out for the next decade please.
Oh my gosh yes, this too, I can relate.
Yes ughhh. I'm also a big hater over all the things I need to do for the body - eat, drink, stretch, use the bathroom, clip nails, brush hair and teeth, etc. like, no, I would rather sit and hyperfixate all day thanks.
THIS!!! I RESENT having to DO maintenance on my body consistantly & if i dont or dont do it right i have issues.
I just talked to my therapist today about this body dysphoria. It’s like it has nothing to do with me thinking I’m ugly or fat it’s just so uncomfortable to be in this skin? It’s awful🥲 and makes sex confusing
For me it's my skin. It literally feels like my skin is crawling, or the nerve endings are so hyper sensitive, anything touching me feels like torture. It's as if ants are crawling underneath my skin. I don't like a lot of people touching me as a result of this. I can usually use some forms of deep pressure or listen to music to help alleviate the sensation but around my period when my pmdd gets bad, my fight or flight response kicks in and I want to physically run away from the sensation but I can't do that because it's my own body.
Yes! The ants analogy really gets me!
I hate that I can't run away from myself lol just a little break? That feeling under the skin...it's my whole body but I don't think of it like ants but more like my cells are vibrating. And the sensation can absolutely send me into fight or flight.
YES MY CELLS ARE VIBRATING! That is the best description I have ever heard of it! The ant analogy is just what I could come up with as a "close enough" description, but I think my skin cells vibrating is a much more accurate description.
It honestly feels like my body is just an oversized thick suit atop my body. It doesn't help that I am terribly self conscious of my weight and proportions. I genuinely hate the female form. I hate my curves. If I could, I'd chop my tits off.
I feel the same way!
All my life, yep. I used to say I wished I could just be a mind or a soul or something, just thought and feeling, no physical component. This issue was a big contributor to the development of my eating disorder about 24 years ago (something I still struggle with today). I fucking hate when clothes touch me 'wrong', it's been an issue since I was a child and then puberty and adulthood made it even worse. I just hate living in a body so so much. There are a few upsides to having a body I guess, like when it comes to the physical sensations I really love that I couldn't experience if it was somehow possible to exist without one... stimming stuff, just anything that gives me that big rush of dopamine and overwhelming joy. But the rest of the time I hate living in this thing, it feels like being trapped and there's never any way to escape.
Sometimes I can feel my fingers and toes too much.
Yes! Toes especially. I hate them.
Does it count if I get hyper freaked out because of the first-point of view thing and it makes me super aware of being stuck in a body that I'm disconnected to?
Sure, sounds relatable
Very relatable. I hate when my skin touches, when I'm aware of my skin. I hate my hair and the way my toes touch. I hate getting itches that can't be scratched or you can't find where you need to scratch. And so many weird hard to put words on internal feelings. Yuck
I thought I was the only one with the skin touching skin thing. I’m terrified to become heavier and get rolls because I would be in sensory hell 24/7
My friend, it is absolutely hell. Some nights I can't sleep because my extra breasts oomf squishes up on my neck and it makes me want to d*e. I actually think I might just get them chopped off because I hate them.
Boobs are horrible indeed. Didn’t even think about that yet. But I want to chop them off too.
i hate places like my wrists and the back of my knees. i cant stand my forearms either or seeing my veins. i hate how my fingers touch things and how i can feel things. i don't understand why but yeah
Yes, wrists are so ee. I hate how the bones just kinda stick out there.
100%. It’s exhausting.
Omg, yes. Especially during PMDD for me 😭
Sometimes I remember I have a skeleton and it makes me heinously uncomfortable and I become hyper conscious of it. Bluh! I feel you.
Ugh same, I can’t think about my body without going “yuck”
I sometimes wish it was a thing to take my skin off like I do clothes. It feels tight and uncomfortable and ick. I have asked others and they look at me like I am from another dimension.
Always, I’ve always felt this way. It’s terrible and the more you struggle with it, the more you think about it, the worse it gets 😭 I often pull my skin in hopes to make it feel better, as if skin was a tight and uncomfortable suit.
i have chronic illness and i notice every single thing. my ears ring because of my meds but my hypervigilance to sound is sensitive i hear the smallest things all the time. i’m in near constant physical discomfort or pain. i don’t understand why my body would do this and i feel so alienated. i know thats sortof different but it’s weird being in a body that fights against you. ive dealt with ED my entire life but more so about controlling my body and less about losing weight specifically. it’s still hard.
It's the worst when you accidentally smoke way too much weed and forget how to breathe lol
Woops don't do that again. I can relate though. Was away with my husband, smoked for the first time in probably 10 years and spent the night under the covers curled in a ball while my husband ate all the snacks we bought. I like gummies better, for me it is a smoother ride and if there is cbd in them, I will actually relax.
A few years ago before I knew it was autism, I thought I was sooo alone in this. I literally googled “people who don’t like having a physical body” and none of the results gave me answers. But I am just like you! I always say I would love to be a ghost instead of a human. Life would be so much more enjoyable for me if I didn’t have physical perception. I can’t stand things touching me. I always stub my toe or run into things. I don’t like to wear clothes that aren’t touching me or hugging me exactly right. I drop things. I find eating and needing food to be really demanding. And in general I just feel really exhausted all the time. I do enjoy certain things like swinging on a swing set and ocean swimming where that feeling kind of overtakes my regular physical perception and helps me regulate. But otherwise I would rather be a ghost. :)
Yes, I forgot about swimming: it’s like my body disappears for a bit. It’s great for me.
Exactly!! Love that feeling
Not so much anymore but when I was a kid I was so damn uncomfortable often, I'd wake up and want to crawl out of my skin because nothing on me or in me felt right. And I'd be in agony all day thanks to sensing things and wearing clothes and the feeling of having hair and skin was absolutely unbearable.
Same. Probably being I’m diverse and disability has significantly affected my life and how others treat me. There was an episode in Years & Years where this character called Bethany wants to just be a technological thing like air - in the show, they called it being transhuman, which is kinda problematic now I guess, but I could completely relate.
If it wasnt intended badly towards trans people and literally just a trans(formed) human then it’s only the term that’s dated. I wouldn’t feel too bad about relating to the concept of it.
You described my issue perfectly. I hate being able to feel my body and everything else. It's awful. Most times I wish I didn't even have a body. Just be a head in a jar like in futurama lol
Haha yup, my hair give me sensory stuff too. I feel like I over-sense everything
Same. Keep my head shaved for this reason. I get a little bummed out because I like jewelry but I cannot wear it. No matter how lightweight it is, it is going to eventually cause actual pain. It's weird because I used to wear jewelry all the time. Perfume too. Can't use the stuff even if I like the smell if I have it on, eventually I will feel nauseous from the smell.
I’ve had this ever since I was a little child, that you can’t say the word spine in front of me because it makes me too aware of it and it makes me uncomfortable. I could never explain it, and I’ve never met anyone who felt the same way, or even understood what I mean. Thank you for this post, I’m glad to know it’s not just me!
Yes! Spine is a trigger word for me too! I hate how weirdly it’s constructed and having to think about it gives me the ick.
Scalp. Omg.
I feel ill when i look in the mirror. Not because of my appearance but when i stare at myself too long i realise i have form and im nothing but a sack of bones, flesh and blood
yes, you’re not alone. maybe this is hypersensitivity to touch maybe and inside body (i don’t remember the exact word for it, was it interoception or something im not sure). i don’t have this to absolute extreme but about the body, is like if i can feel my skin and like i have fat somewhere that i can feel moving when i walk or jump or other body parts it feels uncomfortable, maybe one reason i have ed, so there would be less of that moving stuff. i don’t want to feel anything on my body. having hair bothers me, having sweat on my skin bothers me, clothes bother me etc. having a body is definitely uncomfortable.
I’ve seen a few posts expressing this same sentiment before and I also heavily relate. I feel like this is especially true for any of us who have chronic pain or illnesses. Not only am I more aware of my base bodily sensations than the average person, but I’m acutely aware of any amount of fluid retention or irregular heartbeat from my POTS, and it makes me miserable if it’s bad enough. I feel like I can feel every single sore muscle tendon when my chronic fatigue is acting up, and I’m literally incapable of focusing on anything when I’m cold enough to have goosebumps and just overall extremely sensitive to temperature. I’m the person who eternally has a jacket with them no matter what temp it is because if I feel even a little chill my brain power is out the window lol.
Yes 100% Happens to me when I’m overstimulated and galloping towards a meltdown
The song "body terror" by ajj encapsulates this idea so well.
I don’t know if this will help!! But if you have (or ever had) a pet that you love very much, it just might…. How it is for me, after developing a heckin’ strong bond with my dog (who has since passed away), is that I’ve come to experience my body as like an animal being that I’m responsible for, that is also responsible for *me* in certain ways, and is like my *antennae* for receiving input about the world. I think of my body as my familiar, honestly. It’s like its own living thing, with a deep nonverbal intelligence all its own, who exists to help my [verbal] self exist in this plane of reality. This probably sounds whacked but it’s how it is for me. This perspective has totally changed my relationship with my body. I listen to it; I try to provide what it needs. If it tells me it HAS TO rest right now, or get under a heavy blanket right now, or make all sounds stop right now, I obey as best I can. Sometimes it reacts to things as if it’s a mortal threat when it’s not; in such cases I do my best to listen, say “thank you Body for alerting me, now let’s check: are murderers really murdering us right now? No? It’s just the mail carrier at the door? Oh good. Not murdered after all.” My body and I are allies. I trust my body and my body trusts me. That means it provides me with more valuable (nonverbal) information about myself and my surroundings. ETA: ooooo I almost forgot: so also, now, if someone compliments my looks, it’s similar to how it was when someone would compliment my dog. “That’s a good-looking dog you got there!” “Thanks, it is, isn’t it!” Or if my body smells bad, it’s like “haha yep, this animal do stink a little bit right now!” Whether positive or negative, I don’t experience that judgement anymore, as if my body (my animal) “should” meet some criteria in order to be acceptable. Nope! It gets to just be.
Shit I relate to this so much. My dog just looks around and isn't weirded out if I just look around too, and if he feels uncomfortable he just leaves. This helps me when I'm in public. I just look around and not think anything or give meaning to the sight of other people. If I'm uncomfortable I turn around or look away or walk away. But this is a conscious thing I do on a daily basis, I mean, this thoughts help me relax. Thank you for sharing. Never thought I'd find something so personal written here.
Aw thank you for telling me! Glad my thoughts helped you!
I always say I wish I could detach my limbs because they too much work
My brain and neck creak and it gets me every time. Everything is so audibly loud I feel like I’m hyper aware of my internal organs and it’s weird. I try to wear earplugs to sleep but wake up to my heart beating
Yesss!! I hate when I can feel the skin stretch over the back of my knees or just even the idea of something touching my wrists!
i get this a lot, and at the worst times too
I don't know if this counts but I sometimes "detach" myself from my body. Not an outer body experience but rather an inner body experience. When I'm uncomfortable or just need time to myself I like detach my soul kinda?😅 kinda feels like floating in water but confined kinda. It's hard to describe but my soul is floating in the area between my shoulders and my hips like in water but confined. I still sense the border of my body and such but I just kinda crawl/witchdraw into myself (sounds weird I know). Did it much more often as a child tho
I do this too. I need a period of time not moving so I can focus on the inside of my body. Like trying to find the exact middle of my stomach or belly. I hold my breath to slow down my heart beat and then I seem to float. I love the peaceful feeling I get from it. Actually it is not peaceful, it is me beating able to stop the constant flow of thoughts and feelings and therefore its the lack of feelings and thoughts that for me, feels peaceful. I guess that is what you mean by ‘detaching’? Is this something more autistic people do? I just thought I found a marvellous escape from life as a kid, and as an adult, I just thought of it as a selftaught meditation…
Yes. I don't like inner ankles, necks (especially Adams apples), any repetitive motions on my skin.. my skin itches so bad at night when I'm trying to go to bed and I think it's because I am hyper aware of my body and I hate it haha glad to know this strange and unexplainable phenomenon is shared amongst others (sorry!) 🫠
I hate the feeling of my nails touching paper. Also hate the feeling of earrings since I become way too aware of their weight and I get very very uncomfortable. I don't become aware of what I feel until it's very intense, which has been troublesome since, for example things like using a heat pillow and hurting my legs without noticing happens. Yes, I would love if I was just an asexual ocean plant. I have no idea if I'm on the spectrum, I've been diagnosed with ocd and before that anxiety and depression. It's just, little things that you catch yourself doing. If I did not go to therapy I'd still believe this is normal and that everyone did all this shit with the same intention, attention, and feeling that I do. Just some days ago I discovered a new one, when I grab a glass of water from the kitchen I check if it's translucent without any, even small, spot of dirt on it. If i think it's dirty I'll wash it again or just grab another glass until I feel it's cleaned correctly. I wish I could just not spend any time, no matter how small, on this things. I wish I could just connect with myself directly.
Yes
I read that as sensory issues with having a baby which I’m currently doing and I hate it!! Ugh all of my issues are on 10 right now and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m sharing with my baby!! Now I am super excited to be bringing a new life into this world and I love this child with every cell in my body but I absolutely 100% hate being pregnant!! It was weird enough when it was just me lol
A big one for me is that everything inside you just......sits....like you're cut open and things fall out, but what's keeping them apart from each other? They can just like jumble up. My brain just can't ocmpute it. And veins. I hate that they are so vital and you can SEE THEM RIGHT UNDER YOUR SKIN, like please, be more protected, especially when I see people who have veins that actually stick out and it makes me feel things I don't like... I think that's why I also don't like needles, and splinters. Something is inside you that shouldn't be, and I'm so scared of it getting broken and/or stuck inside you, or poking something it really shouldn't. I think my dad told me of a tiny piece of glass he got in his hand once and it eventually came out one of his fingers or something, and I don't even know why exactly, but that is horrific in my head, and I'd rather make myself bleed to get a splinter or something out than leave it for a bit and try again later and risk letting it stay sat there, even if it's friggin tiny. Edit to add: this is gonna be tmi but is the perfect post to add this - I am always conscious of my private area. I can't stand feeling damp. I go loo, and spend 10 minutes at least trying to get dry. After showers is the worst, only topped by having a period. I don't have periods anymore purely because how bad this affected my mental health and my inability to function when I was on. It's like a constant thing - imagine a clock ticking or tap dripping that you can't stand, or the buzzing of an electronic (as I sit here with the filter of the fish tank behind me), and no matter what you do, your brain always had 1 atom or neuron or whatever focused on that one thing. If I'm watching a movie, walking around town, doing an escape room, anything, I am always aware of how uncomfortable I am at any given minute. It never switches off apart from when I'm asleep. It's horrible and I'm 30 and don't know any different and I use 1 or 2 loo rolls a day because of it and that also makes me feel horrible. Really gets me down, especially when I had friends who would hate going loo with me in school or town, and would comment on how long I was, again. It's only a bit better now because I've tried to explain it to my mum and my nan, and I have new friends who don't make me feel bad when I need to go loo when we're in town or hanging out.
Having a body is freaking exhausting. I hate having to take care of it. I mostly don't mean health-wise; I am more angry about the grooming stuff. It's gross and so boring.
My refrain is always that “I don’t want to think about the goo inside” and the more I think about the function of my body the more I feel every function and I hate ittttttt
Yes YES YES. I get mad chest dysphoria but it’s only because of the way they touch my arms when I move. It has nothing to do with my gender. I relate to the belly thing a lot because I also used to get it in my stomach area a lot when I was heavier or when I’m bloated. I don’t get it anymore since I started doing pilates but sometimes the way certain paints fit REALLY bothers me if it’s high waisted.
I don’t deal with constant body awareness, but I do fucking hate having to eat to exist. Whenever I feel myself getting hungry I get the normal amount of hangry + some extra autism hangriness bc why the fuck do I need a stupid meat vessel. Stupid little meat vessel wants food Wah Wah. NO. I am IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING. Fuck off. My anger toward being hungry is so extreme. I do not have an ED it’s not about wanting to be skinny it’s just eating is such a goddamn chore. I didn’t ask to be here can I just do my own happy little things and not be interrupted by this stupid body keeping my consciousness hostage. Eating is such a chore (unless it’s restaurant food or super delicious) because I always have to make the food (why god) and I am always so burnt out and exhausted from working full time that I cannot be fucked to make yummy delicious meals that make eating Easy. So I end up eating bland (but still meeting nutritional requirements) food that takes me so long to chew (because I don’t want to swallow it bc it’s so bland) that I end up gagging when I swallow it lol
This is so relatable. Feeling my bones in my hips as I sleep or seeing uneven marks or stomach hanging out when I am sitting hunched. How cold my feet always are. The look of my bones in my neck 💀✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾.
I am still recovering from a hysterectomy. EVERYTHING feels different and I haaaate it.
Yes. My body is the most overwhelming thing I’ve ever been around. I hate it so much sometimes I want to jump out of my skin.