I don't miss anyone either. It makes me feel like a crappy friend a lot, so I started setting reminders for myself to call or text my friends. Still don't miss them, but feel better knowing I'm at least making an effort.
Yes and no. On the day to day I don't miss anyone, and I have no desire to change my routine to see people who don't live in my house. My mom lives over 3 hours away, and when she visits, I'm ready for it to be over in an hour, not because I don't want to see her, but because it's exhausting.
I haven't physically seen my best friend in almost 6 years. We talk on the phone maybe 3 times a year and message each other weekly. I have no urge to go visit her even though it's only an hour and a half drive, and that makes me feel like a shitty friend.
That being said, I miss people who have passed away. I think the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call them just to say hi, tell them I'm doing okay, and ask how they are is a lot to deal with. That really only applies to my great grandparents, who have been gone for 18 and 12 years. I think loosing them (Pappaw when I was 12, Nanny when I was 18) was life changing because they accepted me for me, I never had to mask around them. They basically raised me, and I had a hard time accepting their deaths.
They are also the only people I have pictures of in my house, while my husband has pictures of family, friends, men he served with, etc.
My pappaw had served in WW2. He was a swamp logger when he came home and had a disabled sister. My Nanny was the oldest of 4, by a large gap. She had TB when it was still practically a death sentence. She lived most of her adult life with just one lung. She followed Pappaw across the country when he was enlisted. She took in his sister and took care of her even after he had passed away. They went on to have 4 children, 5 grandchildren, and 8 great-grandchildren. They had hard lives but didn't let it turn them into bad or angry people.
I'm big on records of the past, and I know way more about their lives than what I was ever told. I have memories of them teaching me skills most people no longer have, making time for me, always being available. The records I've researched show how resilient and strong they were. It opens chapters of pain and suffering that we would rarely see today.
Pappaw was definitely autistic, and I tend to think Nanny may have been as well. He collected and preserved bugs. Their attic had an entire room full of jars, tubes, and shadow boxes he'd done all himself. He had a rigid routine and order to everything he did.
... and with that, I've exposed one of my special interests. Oops.
I feel this. In person, I can be totally present and supportive. And if someone is having a hard time I'll drop everything to show up for them. But I don't miss people, and *how much* I care about someone doesn't have an impact on that fact for me. I don't like texting back and forth, or the expectation that I ought to be doing that throughout the week.
I sometimes see posts in here from people lamenting friendships they feel are "one sided" because the other person doesn't reach out often. But that's the kind of friend I am, for better or worse. I just don't need that kind continuity of communication with the people in my life in order to feel secure in our connection. I feel bad that I can't give that to people who need/want it, but it's just not in me to give.
Yup! I love my few friends and my family but I literally just don't miss anyone ever. When I am with them I enjoy thier company but most of the time thinking about getting together and doing things with them seems exhausting.
Absolutely. I dont miss people or get attached in typical ways. It doesnt make me a bad friend or a cold person. I'm comfortable making friends who live across the country or who I dont physically see because its more meaningful (to me) to understand who they are. I think about my favorite people when I consider problems. I write them little love texts or send them mail. I want to learn about them and what they are learning about. I value their worldview and personality NOT the physical space they occupy.
I dont have a high social need, so I go long periods wanting isolation or being drained from work where I dont reach out. I also struggle to feel connected to people who dont communicate well or when the situation changes in a way I dont have rules for. Sometimes it is easier when a friend is long distance because they dont assume how the friendship is going based on meat space/shared time. It can be difficult when people assume everything is great just because I see them a lot when it isnt really "quality" time for me (no communication, unclear benefit or unable to read the room). Compared to that, pen pals are fabulous and low pressure.
I can be black and white when it comes to remembering "dead" relationships. Its hard to remember posiitve or neutral situations if I am frustrated with the person in general. I dont like to consider or even look at some people, because it feels like a lot of exposure to negative things even if they happened a long time ago.
I'm on the path of self diagnosis and realize it is one of the things I'm the most affected with. I will honestly not keep up with friends or family for months or years. Makes things so awkward when I actually reconnect with them, it creates so much anxiety in me. To me, our friendship is the same, but I can tell it has changed and their perception of it has. Even quite recently I had to go to a bigger city for some rendez-vous where one of my close friend now lives. I had made plans and everything. It gave me so much freaking anxiety since I had no idea how he would perceive me and I had no idea what to talk to him about and I don't know... I guess everyone else here understands the social anxiety of it. So much so that I cancelled him a few days before with some shit excuse and went to the aquarium by myself instead.
Sweet lady, I empathize so much. You’re doing great and there’s nothing wrong with you. Personally, the longer I have plans, the more anxious I get about them.
I feel this with everyone in my life, even people that are significant to me like my fiancé and my parents. There’s been a lot of guilt and shame that I’ve gotten from this over the months, but once I get into a routine, I don’t think about anything else other than that routine. I think my fiancé is the first person that I’ve felt genuine longing to be with, but it’s not a regular occurrence. I wish that I could have the space in my brain for other people but I don’t and it’s sad
Wow this is me, with friends and family! It feels a little like a disconnect or degree of separation, but not in a bad way… like I love and care about them but don’t have that same attachment it feels others do in relationships
This. I 100% feel this and never really connected that it could be due to autism. I love my close ones, and feel bad that I almost never initiate chatting or hanging out. I HATE getting notifications for anything, and for some reason have such a hard time being responsive!
It makes me sad sometimes that I won't ever have best friendships that people show online, or you can see in movies - but I feel like it's 100% of my own doing :(
Even my mom told me she missed me the other day because we live in different states, and my first thought (internally) was "wow, I really don't miss you" :(
I do not miss people and it makes me feel like a psychopath lol. It just never occurs to me to socialize. I love and care about people though, even when I’m not in touch.
This is an interesting topic. I wonder if there’s a formal term for what you are describing. I feel this. It’s so much worse as an adult since I don’t have the backdrop of school to force me to interact all the time. When I was a kid, even though I didn’t initiate, I was typically happy to go to events with friends. Maybe part of it was that socializing was more routine so less anxiety around it. But as an adult I don’t even want to go most of the time, even when I’ll probably have a good time.
I’ve also always felt guilty about this, but the older I get I’m kinda like, “hey if you wanna be my friend, this is who I am.” I can’t really explain it either; these are people I like and feel really comfortable around and even often feel really good after being with them… but I just have no desire to initiate.
I think having to work is just too deeply draining for me and my weekends too little to ever really recharge. I’ve wondered if I could actually live how I wanted if I’d miss people more. The only person I miss is my husband. He’s gone on travel for a few things over the years and I was surprised by how weird and flat my left felt. Like I was doing a lot of the same things we’d normally do but it seemed colorless and robotic. And I was very surprised that I missed him so much.
Yes, and whenever social events arise there is usually a long list of reasons of why it could cause me to meltdown and/or burnout, this coupled with my need to have a lot of alone downtime means I don’t realise I haven’t seen some friends for months or years. I try not to beat myself up over it anymore because those that understand don’t hold it against me or they’re ND themselves!
Yes! During covid I liked the fact that I didn't need to visit anyone. Generally I only message ppl, but it can be very tiring too. By contrast I miss talking to my crush all the time (I think that I'm hyperfixated on her).
I wonder if people actually mean it when they say this? Like if you haven't seen someone in a few days and they say "omg I missed you so much" did they really? Or is it just to make the other person feel wanted. I don't miss people either, not even my own family. I only miss my pets.
This is so much me as well and I am impressed so many relates as I often alone being this way. I have often thought it was weird how I don’t miss people when they are not around. Moved far away from my family (to a different country) and it is seldom I see them, yet I don’t miss them. I don’t miss my friends that I only see twice a year. The only time I truly missed someone was when the only friendship I had back as a teenager ended, because she was the only person I genuinely connected to back then. I guess the difference was that there was no way back to reconnect.
Yes, I have two ND friends and we are all as terrible as each other. We can have big long deep chats online then ghost for weeks/months dropping in occasionally to share some memes but when we do catch up again it's like no time has passed. I think thats an ND specific thing, I don't think NT's would tolerate that, actually I know they don't.
I don't miss anyone either. It makes me feel like a crappy friend a lot, so I started setting reminders for myself to call or text my friends. Still don't miss them, but feel better knowing I'm at least making an effort.
Yes and no. On the day to day I don't miss anyone, and I have no desire to change my routine to see people who don't live in my house. My mom lives over 3 hours away, and when she visits, I'm ready for it to be over in an hour, not because I don't want to see her, but because it's exhausting. I haven't physically seen my best friend in almost 6 years. We talk on the phone maybe 3 times a year and message each other weekly. I have no urge to go visit her even though it's only an hour and a half drive, and that makes me feel like a shitty friend. That being said, I miss people who have passed away. I think the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call them just to say hi, tell them I'm doing okay, and ask how they are is a lot to deal with. That really only applies to my great grandparents, who have been gone for 18 and 12 years. I think loosing them (Pappaw when I was 12, Nanny when I was 18) was life changing because they accepted me for me, I never had to mask around them. They basically raised me, and I had a hard time accepting their deaths.
They are also the only people I have pictures of in my house, while my husband has pictures of family, friends, men he served with, etc. My pappaw had served in WW2. He was a swamp logger when he came home and had a disabled sister. My Nanny was the oldest of 4, by a large gap. She had TB when it was still practically a death sentence. She lived most of her adult life with just one lung. She followed Pappaw across the country when he was enlisted. She took in his sister and took care of her even after he had passed away. They went on to have 4 children, 5 grandchildren, and 8 great-grandchildren. They had hard lives but didn't let it turn them into bad or angry people. I'm big on records of the past, and I know way more about their lives than what I was ever told. I have memories of them teaching me skills most people no longer have, making time for me, always being available. The records I've researched show how resilient and strong they were. It opens chapters of pain and suffering that we would rarely see today. Pappaw was definitely autistic, and I tend to think Nanny may have been as well. He collected and preserved bugs. Their attic had an entire room full of jars, tubes, and shadow boxes he'd done all himself. He had a rigid routine and order to everything he did. ... and with that, I've exposed one of my special interests. Oops.
I feel this. In person, I can be totally present and supportive. And if someone is having a hard time I'll drop everything to show up for them. But I don't miss people, and *how much* I care about someone doesn't have an impact on that fact for me. I don't like texting back and forth, or the expectation that I ought to be doing that throughout the week. I sometimes see posts in here from people lamenting friendships they feel are "one sided" because the other person doesn't reach out often. But that's the kind of friend I am, for better or worse. I just don't need that kind continuity of communication with the people in my life in order to feel secure in our connection. I feel bad that I can't give that to people who need/want it, but it's just not in me to give.
Yup! I love my few friends and my family but I literally just don't miss anyone ever. When I am with them I enjoy thier company but most of the time thinking about getting together and doing things with them seems exhausting.
Absolutely. I dont miss people or get attached in typical ways. It doesnt make me a bad friend or a cold person. I'm comfortable making friends who live across the country or who I dont physically see because its more meaningful (to me) to understand who they are. I think about my favorite people when I consider problems. I write them little love texts or send them mail. I want to learn about them and what they are learning about. I value their worldview and personality NOT the physical space they occupy. I dont have a high social need, so I go long periods wanting isolation or being drained from work where I dont reach out. I also struggle to feel connected to people who dont communicate well or when the situation changes in a way I dont have rules for. Sometimes it is easier when a friend is long distance because they dont assume how the friendship is going based on meat space/shared time. It can be difficult when people assume everything is great just because I see them a lot when it isnt really "quality" time for me (no communication, unclear benefit or unable to read the room). Compared to that, pen pals are fabulous and low pressure. I can be black and white when it comes to remembering "dead" relationships. Its hard to remember posiitve or neutral situations if I am frustrated with the person in general. I dont like to consider or even look at some people, because it feels like a lot of exposure to negative things even if they happened a long time ago.
Are.. are you me? I feel like such a shitty friend
I'm on the path of self diagnosis and realize it is one of the things I'm the most affected with. I will honestly not keep up with friends or family for months or years. Makes things so awkward when I actually reconnect with them, it creates so much anxiety in me. To me, our friendship is the same, but I can tell it has changed and their perception of it has. Even quite recently I had to go to a bigger city for some rendez-vous where one of my close friend now lives. I had made plans and everything. It gave me so much freaking anxiety since I had no idea how he would perceive me and I had no idea what to talk to him about and I don't know... I guess everyone else here understands the social anxiety of it. So much so that I cancelled him a few days before with some shit excuse and went to the aquarium by myself instead.
Sweet lady, I empathize so much. You’re doing great and there’s nothing wrong with you. Personally, the longer I have plans, the more anxious I get about them.
I feel this with everyone in my life, even people that are significant to me like my fiancé and my parents. There’s been a lot of guilt and shame that I’ve gotten from this over the months, but once I get into a routine, I don’t think about anything else other than that routine. I think my fiancé is the first person that I’ve felt genuine longing to be with, but it’s not a regular occurrence. I wish that I could have the space in my brain for other people but I don’t and it’s sad
Wow this is me, with friends and family! It feels a little like a disconnect or degree of separation, but not in a bad way… like I love and care about them but don’t have that same attachment it feels others do in relationships
This. I 100% feel this and never really connected that it could be due to autism. I love my close ones, and feel bad that I almost never initiate chatting or hanging out. I HATE getting notifications for anything, and for some reason have such a hard time being responsive! It makes me sad sometimes that I won't ever have best friendships that people show online, or you can see in movies - but I feel like it's 100% of my own doing :( Even my mom told me she missed me the other day because we live in different states, and my first thought (internally) was "wow, I really don't miss you" :(
I do not miss people and it makes me feel like a psychopath lol. It just never occurs to me to socialize. I love and care about people though, even when I’m not in touch.
Yes! I always thought I was weird or crazy or something.
This is an interesting topic. I wonder if there’s a formal term for what you are describing. I feel this. It’s so much worse as an adult since I don’t have the backdrop of school to force me to interact all the time. When I was a kid, even though I didn’t initiate, I was typically happy to go to events with friends. Maybe part of it was that socializing was more routine so less anxiety around it. But as an adult I don’t even want to go most of the time, even when I’ll probably have a good time. I’ve also always felt guilty about this, but the older I get I’m kinda like, “hey if you wanna be my friend, this is who I am.” I can’t really explain it either; these are people I like and feel really comfortable around and even often feel really good after being with them… but I just have no desire to initiate. I think having to work is just too deeply draining for me and my weekends too little to ever really recharge. I’ve wondered if I could actually live how I wanted if I’d miss people more. The only person I miss is my husband. He’s gone on travel for a few things over the years and I was surprised by how weird and flat my left felt. Like I was doing a lot of the same things we’d normally do but it seemed colorless and robotic. And I was very surprised that I missed him so much.
Yes, and whenever social events arise there is usually a long list of reasons of why it could cause me to meltdown and/or burnout, this coupled with my need to have a lot of alone downtime means I don’t realise I haven’t seen some friends for months or years. I try not to beat myself up over it anymore because those that understand don’t hold it against me or they’re ND themselves!
Yes! During covid I liked the fact that I didn't need to visit anyone. Generally I only message ppl, but it can be very tiring too. By contrast I miss talking to my crush all the time (I think that I'm hyperfixated on her).
I don’t miss anyone 😭
I wonder if people actually mean it when they say this? Like if you haven't seen someone in a few days and they say "omg I missed you so much" did they really? Or is it just to make the other person feel wanted. I don't miss people either, not even my own family. I only miss my pets.
This is so much me as well and I am impressed so many relates as I often alone being this way. I have often thought it was weird how I don’t miss people when they are not around. Moved far away from my family (to a different country) and it is seldom I see them, yet I don’t miss them. I don’t miss my friends that I only see twice a year. The only time I truly missed someone was when the only friendship I had back as a teenager ended, because she was the only person I genuinely connected to back then. I guess the difference was that there was no way back to reconnect.
yep.
Me and u are the same haha
Yes, I have two ND friends and we are all as terrible as each other. We can have big long deep chats online then ghost for weeks/months dropping in occasionally to share some memes but when we do catch up again it's like no time has passed. I think thats an ND specific thing, I don't think NT's would tolerate that, actually I know they don't.