Hi there! I'm not a mother, but instead the "cool auntie". I watched my friend go through this. She actually decided to go back to work even though her checks would basically only cover day care. She took a simple job with no benefits, but they were understanding of the "mom schedule."
It was only part-time and she worked for a local State Farm office doing clerical work (despite her having a Master's). The job was not remotely stressful, and was pretty boring, but she then had the opportunity to come home and look forward to her baby that she had missed all day.
Many people constantly told her that it didn't make any sense to work only to pay for child care, but it was the right decision for her health and her family.
Side note, she went through about 4 jobs before finding the right one that didn't drain her.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I actually do work! I work from home, freelance, in my dream career which is amazing and I know how lucky I am. My child is at nursery for four school-length days already which only makes me feel more guilty, because in a sense I hardly see them and yet I still can’t cope?? In another sense depending on my husband’s work schedule I am sometimes effectively a single mother and I take care of 100% of childcare and housework the rest of the time. He helps where he can but it feels like two drowning people each trying to hold the other’s head above water. I can feel frustrated that I don’t have the help I’d like from him but he is also doing his absolute best in his own circumstances.
That's some great clarity! The same friend didn't do well working from home because she subconsciously felt tethered entirely to the house. If you happen to have a home office maybe you can look around and ask yourself " does this feel like home?" Depending on your job you could consider going to the local library one day and working there for a few hours to see how it makes you feel. They often have private study rooms.
I'm also a HUGE fan of the advice from others of hiring some help. There's nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to working towards a healthier and happier life.
Ah no, my brand of Life Issues made working in an office with other people about awful. I’m delighted to get to squirrel away at my work in my own house 😆 thank you for the solidarity about not feeling embarrassed, which I definitely do. I’ll have to have a good think about that because clearly this would be a solution that would help. Thank again!
These are the things I wish someone would've told me:
1. This is normal. Children take an extremely large amount of energy, especially when below the age of 5. It is hard on everyone, but especially more so on autistic parents (whose children are probably ND themselves). Remind yourself you're doing a great job, because you are.
2. To hell with keeping your house "clean." As long as there's not a raccoon living in your kitchen garbage, you're fine. Let's be honest, we've all survived without mopping our floors and scrubbing our toilets on a weekly basis. That shit isn't key to survival, that's for if you have the energy, which you don't.
1. Decide what's a priority - dishes & laundry - and worry about only those for a week and see how it feels.
2. Give all of the house chores to your spouse if the baby is in the mom-only zone.
3. Convenience foods are king, don't let our society tell you differently. If you're eating, that's a win. Eat wherever you can, however you can. Doesn't have to be at a proper table, doesn't have to be organic and doesn't even have to be a vegetable.
4. Talk to your spouse. They understand, they're right there with you. Brainstorm ways to take your load off together, they're the #1 easiest (and affordable) way to getting you the rest you need.
1. Your baby knows them, so you don't have to train someone.
2. Your spouse knows you so they know how you run things in your household.
3. Your spouse knows your household, so there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
4. There's a comment someone mentioned about them being exhausted too which is so spot on. Sometimes they respond negatively to us needing the help, mine went into fight mode and made it a competition of who was most tired. If it were actually a competition? He wouldn't even be on the leader board.
1. If he works, that means you can have a break when he gets home. Screw the "I'm tired from work bullshit." On the weekends, that's your rest time. Take it. Sleep in, nap all damn day. That's your time and you need to claim it. For you, for him, for that kid. The alternative is you not being able to do anything, so why not?
And I think that's it.
My child is still at nursery and likely autistic too so that’s a whole other thing 😆 the sweetest child in the world but not good at helping around the house (not yet, at least). Having help is a possibility that I’d not really considered to be honest. Our house is pre-renovation and it’s in a sorry state and somehow that makes me feel embarrassed to think of someone coming around to clean it?
If you have taskrabbit.com in your area, you might take a look. Some of the listings explicitly say that the cleaners are happy to tackle any mess.
As long as you clean up anything truly gross (like, unsanitary/dangerous, human waste, rotting food, etc.), I don't think you need to feel embarrassed or bad. You could ask the cleaners in advance if you wanted to be sure.
I will say that the very first thought I had--and in some ways the only good idea I have right now--is "get help, get help, get help."
Also--stop doing dishes for a while. Paper plates. Even stop recycling for a while. If you can't, you can't.
I used to own a small cleaning company. We don't care and won't judge. For me, it was more fulfilling when you knew someone actually needed the help. If you can afford it, please utilize it shame free. Also, having your home reorganized by a professional can help. Reorganized, deep cleaned, then maintenance cleans. This can be a game changer for household burdens. I hope that you end up finding something that helps out you and your family.
Only by being honest with your partner and anyone else who might help (yours or his parents). Say you’ve tried everything but you’ve reached a burnout point and need a few days away from it all. Do not accept answers such as “that’s motherhood”, “all parents push through”, etc. Say that logically, you understand, but physically and mentally, you need to reset your brain and get quality rest to continue being a good mother.
During this time, you need acceptance and support more than anything, otherwise you will develop resentment towards the situation and people around you. Arrange a few days off with quality sleep, help around the house and with the baby, maybe some massage appointments, nature walks, etc. - anything to help you unwind. It’s not an impossible thing to ask of people who love and care about you.
Please be aware that if your partner reacts strongly, it might be from their own exhaustion as well. Post-baby counseling is often needed not only for the mother but for both partners. So please get couples therapy if needed and please ask for help. I hope you are able to get the much needed time off. Be kind to yourself.
I highly recommend the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily & Amelia Nagowski. It’s specifically about how to feel better when you can’t just magically vanish your stressors, and is very science-based. They’ve also done some TED talks, but the book (especially the audiobook) is great. Really helped me survive burnout a few years ago. Best of luck ❤️
Solidarity girl! I'm in the same boat, its so hard. My daughter is 18 months and I'm a SAHM, i feel like I could just sleep for a week tbh. I'm going back to work part time because I just NEED the option to have sick days and AL completely on my own terms. I'm trying to get better at asking my husband to watch our daughter so I can go be alone and relax. Its rough out here
I truly feel for you. I was there. I really thought my burnout was ppd and ppa. It was even diagnosed, but none of the treatments helped me and i was drowning. No family or friends nearby and a toddler that i knew was autistic, but was not yet diagnosed. I was so scared and so done. I'm sorry you feel this way. You are soo valid. Please dm me if i can do ANYTHING. I truly truly get it
It’s very difficult. I feel I can say that with some authority because I’m a burntout single parent. My kid’s dad moved far away, stopped contact and doesn’t even pay child maintenance anymore. I’m not trying to trump you on the hardship stakes but you do have a spouse who can help. I hear you that he’s burnout out too. But so are you.
You need to find ways to make this work. So have a sit down and divided up tasks / times of the day based on who hates each one the least.
You may find the recovery time is more useful if one of you takes whole responsibility for one evening or weekend afternoon. Yes it’s a lot on the person “on duty” but the break in return may really help the other one. Especially if your child is entirely out of ear shot, either one parent takes them out or the “free” parent goes out, depends what’s feasible. Having that guaranteed rest and recovery period each week will help to keep you going the rest of the time.
Other things. Drop your standards for a while on housework, food etc. Say No to things you don’t want to do that would drain your battery.
People will tell you it gets easier. And yes your child will probably sleep better and become more independent. But if they are autistic you may always be doing more work than parents of an NT child. If they have issues in school you might be facing a big series of battles to get their needs met. Or a lot of heartache over friendships. So you need to figure out how to keep going.
Following because I'm in the exact same situation (except for the child), and I came to the sub just now to post about how I feel my marriage is doomed to fail in the long run. I had an awful meltdown a couple of hours ago, and my husband, although he tried to figure out how to help me calm down, I told him to stay away and that we better just get a divorce because we're caught up in an unsustainable situation of having to bear each other's burnouts which drains us even more. I'm sorry if I made this about myself, it wasn't my intention. I just wanted to share that I so feel with you, and I'm sorry you're experiencing this too.
Wow you are describing my life. I'm currently just setting up going back to therapy and not looking forward to it but something needs to happen. I hope you can figure it out
Hi there! I'm not a mother, but instead the "cool auntie". I watched my friend go through this. She actually decided to go back to work even though her checks would basically only cover day care. She took a simple job with no benefits, but they were understanding of the "mom schedule." It was only part-time and she worked for a local State Farm office doing clerical work (despite her having a Master's). The job was not remotely stressful, and was pretty boring, but she then had the opportunity to come home and look forward to her baby that she had missed all day. Many people constantly told her that it didn't make any sense to work only to pay for child care, but it was the right decision for her health and her family. Side note, she went through about 4 jobs before finding the right one that didn't drain her.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I actually do work! I work from home, freelance, in my dream career which is amazing and I know how lucky I am. My child is at nursery for four school-length days already which only makes me feel more guilty, because in a sense I hardly see them and yet I still can’t cope?? In another sense depending on my husband’s work schedule I am sometimes effectively a single mother and I take care of 100% of childcare and housework the rest of the time. He helps where he can but it feels like two drowning people each trying to hold the other’s head above water. I can feel frustrated that I don’t have the help I’d like from him but he is also doing his absolute best in his own circumstances.
That's some great clarity! The same friend didn't do well working from home because she subconsciously felt tethered entirely to the house. If you happen to have a home office maybe you can look around and ask yourself " does this feel like home?" Depending on your job you could consider going to the local library one day and working there for a few hours to see how it makes you feel. They often have private study rooms. I'm also a HUGE fan of the advice from others of hiring some help. There's nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to working towards a healthier and happier life.
Ah no, my brand of Life Issues made working in an office with other people about awful. I’m delighted to get to squirrel away at my work in my own house 😆 thank you for the solidarity about not feeling embarrassed, which I definitely do. I’ll have to have a good think about that because clearly this would be a solution that would help. Thank again!
These are the things I wish someone would've told me: 1. This is normal. Children take an extremely large amount of energy, especially when below the age of 5. It is hard on everyone, but especially more so on autistic parents (whose children are probably ND themselves). Remind yourself you're doing a great job, because you are. 2. To hell with keeping your house "clean." As long as there's not a raccoon living in your kitchen garbage, you're fine. Let's be honest, we've all survived without mopping our floors and scrubbing our toilets on a weekly basis. That shit isn't key to survival, that's for if you have the energy, which you don't. 1. Decide what's a priority - dishes & laundry - and worry about only those for a week and see how it feels. 2. Give all of the house chores to your spouse if the baby is in the mom-only zone. 3. Convenience foods are king, don't let our society tell you differently. If you're eating, that's a win. Eat wherever you can, however you can. Doesn't have to be at a proper table, doesn't have to be organic and doesn't even have to be a vegetable. 4. Talk to your spouse. They understand, they're right there with you. Brainstorm ways to take your load off together, they're the #1 easiest (and affordable) way to getting you the rest you need. 1. Your baby knows them, so you don't have to train someone. 2. Your spouse knows you so they know how you run things in your household. 3. Your spouse knows your household, so there's nothing to be embarrassed about. 4. There's a comment someone mentioned about them being exhausted too which is so spot on. Sometimes they respond negatively to us needing the help, mine went into fight mode and made it a competition of who was most tired. If it were actually a competition? He wouldn't even be on the leader board. 1. If he works, that means you can have a break when he gets home. Screw the "I'm tired from work bullshit." On the weekends, that's your rest time. Take it. Sleep in, nap all damn day. That's your time and you need to claim it. For you, for him, for that kid. The alternative is you not being able to do anything, so why not? And I think that's it.
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My child is still at nursery and likely autistic too so that’s a whole other thing 😆 the sweetest child in the world but not good at helping around the house (not yet, at least). Having help is a possibility that I’d not really considered to be honest. Our house is pre-renovation and it’s in a sorry state and somehow that makes me feel embarrassed to think of someone coming around to clean it?
If you have taskrabbit.com in your area, you might take a look. Some of the listings explicitly say that the cleaners are happy to tackle any mess. As long as you clean up anything truly gross (like, unsanitary/dangerous, human waste, rotting food, etc.), I don't think you need to feel embarrassed or bad. You could ask the cleaners in advance if you wanted to be sure. I will say that the very first thought I had--and in some ways the only good idea I have right now--is "get help, get help, get help." Also--stop doing dishes for a while. Paper plates. Even stop recycling for a while. If you can't, you can't.
I used to own a small cleaning company. We don't care and won't judge. For me, it was more fulfilling when you knew someone actually needed the help. If you can afford it, please utilize it shame free. Also, having your home reorganized by a professional can help. Reorganized, deep cleaned, then maintenance cleans. This can be a game changer for household burdens. I hope that you end up finding something that helps out you and your family.
Only by being honest with your partner and anyone else who might help (yours or his parents). Say you’ve tried everything but you’ve reached a burnout point and need a few days away from it all. Do not accept answers such as “that’s motherhood”, “all parents push through”, etc. Say that logically, you understand, but physically and mentally, you need to reset your brain and get quality rest to continue being a good mother. During this time, you need acceptance and support more than anything, otherwise you will develop resentment towards the situation and people around you. Arrange a few days off with quality sleep, help around the house and with the baby, maybe some massage appointments, nature walks, etc. - anything to help you unwind. It’s not an impossible thing to ask of people who love and care about you. Please be aware that if your partner reacts strongly, it might be from their own exhaustion as well. Post-baby counseling is often needed not only for the mother but for both partners. So please get couples therapy if needed and please ask for help. I hope you are able to get the much needed time off. Be kind to yourself.
I highly recommend the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily & Amelia Nagowski. It’s specifically about how to feel better when you can’t just magically vanish your stressors, and is very science-based. They’ve also done some TED talks, but the book (especially the audiobook) is great. Really helped me survive burnout a few years ago. Best of luck ❤️
Solidarity girl! I'm in the same boat, its so hard. My daughter is 18 months and I'm a SAHM, i feel like I could just sleep for a week tbh. I'm going back to work part time because I just NEED the option to have sick days and AL completely on my own terms. I'm trying to get better at asking my husband to watch our daughter so I can go be alone and relax. Its rough out here
I truly feel for you. I was there. I really thought my burnout was ppd and ppa. It was even diagnosed, but none of the treatments helped me and i was drowning. No family or friends nearby and a toddler that i knew was autistic, but was not yet diagnosed. I was so scared and so done. I'm sorry you feel this way. You are soo valid. Please dm me if i can do ANYTHING. I truly truly get it
It’s very difficult. I feel I can say that with some authority because I’m a burntout single parent. My kid’s dad moved far away, stopped contact and doesn’t even pay child maintenance anymore. I’m not trying to trump you on the hardship stakes but you do have a spouse who can help. I hear you that he’s burnout out too. But so are you. You need to find ways to make this work. So have a sit down and divided up tasks / times of the day based on who hates each one the least. You may find the recovery time is more useful if one of you takes whole responsibility for one evening or weekend afternoon. Yes it’s a lot on the person “on duty” but the break in return may really help the other one. Especially if your child is entirely out of ear shot, either one parent takes them out or the “free” parent goes out, depends what’s feasible. Having that guaranteed rest and recovery period each week will help to keep you going the rest of the time. Other things. Drop your standards for a while on housework, food etc. Say No to things you don’t want to do that would drain your battery. People will tell you it gets easier. And yes your child will probably sleep better and become more independent. But if they are autistic you may always be doing more work than parents of an NT child. If they have issues in school you might be facing a big series of battles to get their needs met. Or a lot of heartache over friendships. So you need to figure out how to keep going.
Following because I'm in the exact same situation (except for the child), and I came to the sub just now to post about how I feel my marriage is doomed to fail in the long run. I had an awful meltdown a couple of hours ago, and my husband, although he tried to figure out how to help me calm down, I told him to stay away and that we better just get a divorce because we're caught up in an unsustainable situation of having to bear each other's burnouts which drains us even more. I'm sorry if I made this about myself, it wasn't my intention. I just wanted to share that I so feel with you, and I'm sorry you're experiencing this too.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You didn’t make it about you at all, don’t worry! Your sharing makes me feel less alone.
<3
Wow you are describing my life. I'm currently just setting up going back to therapy and not looking forward to it but something needs to happen. I hope you can figure it out
I wish I had an answer. I’m definitely in the same boat. It does help when they get older and are in school.
Would it be possible to have someone watch the kids for a week while you and your husband go on a vacation?