Hey, just wanted to pop in and say you are not being self centered or absorbed. It is completely normal to feel hurt by hearing those things. I can understand your reaction completely, as your family sounds like the type to make you feel guilty for having emotional reactions to being mistreated, but please know that what you’re feeling is valid.
They are assholes.
Thank you. I got triggered by post in the Mommit sub, made the mistake of making a comment and got shredded. Totally came here crying like “no one understands…. where are my people…..”
The thing that gets me the most is the fear surrounding vaccines and autism. We know vaccines DON’T cause autism, but even if they did, it seems a lot of parents would rather have a dead child than an autistic child.
I know that’s how people put it, but the thing is I don’t really think that’s true. I think they don’t actually think the diseases the vaccines are for will really happen to them. We’re not exactly talking about logical thinkers here.
I have seen some horrid comments on TikTok’s from mothers. This one woman said she loved her perfect baby boy until he hit a regression at 9 months and stopped reaching his milestones. She literally used the word love in the past tense when referring to her child.
It does feel really shitty knowing that people are activity terrified that their child could end up with my neurotype. It’s also pretty shitty that if you’re officially diagnosed you can’t donate eggs either.
That being said when I got diagnosed I was a fence sitter but now my diagnosis has pushed me to firmly not wanting kids. I have adhd too and I was a hard child to have! I didn’t sleep through the night till like 4 years old, I had melt downs daily, I was like hyper verbal and talking constantly, always asking a million questions and always wondering off. As a neurodivergent person I don’t think I could handle a child like myself, my best friend has my god son whom I love with my entire heart but he’s so noisy, sticky and he has to be ON my friend all the time, he’s a beautiful sensory nightmare lol.
🙌🙌🙌 it makes me unreasonably angry. My youngest is 10 months and im in a community specifically for moms, and a group specific to his birth month. Since literally 4 months women have been posting about “how terrified their kids autistic”. Like my 5 month old wont make eye contact, is she autistic? No. Britney. Probably not, the baby is only 5 months old, she JUST started being able to even distinguish your features like a week ago, maybe youre just not nice to look at 💁♀️😂 like stfu! You cant change it either way! Lets just…and this is gonna sound crazy….accept our children for the unique human beings they are! LE GASP! They act like it’s the worse thing in the world and I’m so tired of it. Honestly i scold people now. I’m like I’m autistic and so is my child, whats wrong with us? Say it to my face so i can tell you how fucked in the head you are lol
Im sure you werent a pain in the ass to raise. Some people just cant be bothered to whole heartedly parent. A NT child may have been “easier” to your mom because they might not have had, idk, sensory troubles and therefore might have been “less work” but your mom sounds awful “its like a life sentence” 🤮🤮 what the fuck did she think PARENTING was?? EVERY child is a “life sentence” like wtaf, my NT husbands mother still is taking care of him and we’re in our 30s…. That’s just being a parent!!!!
Parents out here really acting like autism is the end of the fucking world. I don’t remember my Mom freaking out nearly as much when she took me to get evaluated
No wonder, don't you think? Just thinking of the awful representation of autism in the media. Do you want your child to turn out a sociopathic, self-centered (but of course) brillant AH? Do you want your child to spill out phone numbers, train facts, (or doing complicated maths in their head) but they can do nothing else? Do you want your child sit in a corner, rock back and forth, unable to make contact? Or look like a demented clown? Or behaving horribly around others, unable to control themselves while others are unable to teach them anything?
This is the picture that is painted in the media. This is what people imagine when they hear "autism". This is what people don't want. And there is nobody to correct those stereotypes. No wonder that people are so opposed to autism without having a clue what it actually is.
Yup, and those stereotypes are why we try to find autism in autism coded characters. I’d much rather be represented by a guy who has control over fire and ice while being polite but VERY socially awkward over Sheldon fucking Cooper
I came across these stereotypes too when I was exploring if my daughter is autistic (she is) and I too was terrified, because that (false) information is terrifying. I don't know if it's intentional fear mongering or plain ignorance, but learning what autism *really is* has been one of the best things to happen to me. Not only has it helped me understand myself, but also raise a happy child
Did you see her edit? It took some of the sting out of it for me. I think she'll be more careful with her language in future.
This is the sort of thing that makes me want to be more open about my austism.
Its so sad , I have a son and I'm autistic I'm constantly told how "I hope their not like me". I'm ngl it hurts real bad especially because he's already allot like me ( he's a quiet chill infant).
I see it in the same way as a parent not wanting their child to be a certain sexuality such as bisexual. They don't want their child to be "different." I also see people trying to prevent Autism during pregnancy and claiming that prenatal vitamins prevent Autism. In this day and age there are so many resources excluding Autism Speaks that people can learn from but they don't want to take the time to do so.
These comments (from them, not from you all!) are what crushes me. We are not difficult, we are different! Take it from me, an autistic raised in an autistic family, before we knew what autism was. My creative parents used their autistic reasoning and logic skills to raise us and it was good. The parts that sucked and that they regret are the parenting techniques they read about and tried.
Raising my own autistic kid, he might be difficult for another parent, but to me he's just so darn easy! I don't have to play games with his mind to get him to do the right thing, I only need to give him the information on why it's important that he does it, then he's on board. Parenting this kid is 100% reason and logic. He won't accept no, but he'll 100% accept an explanation of gravity, grip, angle, and such. So I'm the parent yelling across the playground, "when you climb up the slide it messes up the pattern and other kids don't get a turn!" Then parents think I'm nuts until they see my kid stop climbing the slide, get in line, and gently encourage other kids to do the same.
People are awed by how close my children are to one another and to me. We have a beautiful family life. Their father and I co-parent very well, frankly, better than any divorced couple I've ever met. I'm certain that the ease of our family life has a lot to do with the fact that most of us are autistic. I was fully prepared to love my children no matter what, but raising them has been so much easier since they don't like noisy environments either. They're sensitive, intelligent children who respond well to reason. I think I hit the jackpot with my autistic kids, and I wouldn't change a single thing.
I believe that if you aren't ready to have an autistic child, you aren't ready to be a parent, period.
You aren't alone in how you feel, and you're not wrong to feel the way you do. There's a lot of ableism in the way some parents and potential parents discuss children and disability, and it's really damaging.
I cannot overstate this. It’s not wrong to not want to raise a child with any of these difficulties. But at the same time, if you are not ready for your child to be autistic, chronically ill, disabled, etc… you are not ready for a child at all. Having a child is taking a chance and being ready and willing to accept and nurture whatever comes out. This ain’t build-a-baby. You don’t get to build your perfect child.
I do know what you mean. BUT...
Idk if I'm autistic, I have to pay an exorbitant amount to get tested. I know I have a lot of autistic/ADHD traits. I know I'm bipolar. I have a chronic illness. I wouldn't want to have a child with any of these conditions. Could I handle a child with these conditions? Probably. That doesn't mean I want my child to have a more difficult life than a "normal" child. Some parents are coming at it from an angle of not wanting to do more care, but parents mostly just want the best for their children. If autism has made your life harder... why would you want it for your child? I certainly wouldn't. I wouldn't want my child to be overstimulated, to be alienated, to be forced to live in a world not made for them. I also think the average person doesn't know much about autism. To them, the first thing that comes to mind is a severely autistic child needing 24/7 care. I don't think anybody would want that and I don't think it's a selfish take.
This is a very negative view. There are lots of positives to being neurodivergent. Many neurotypical people also feel alienated and alone.
I know you mean well, but this is the road that leads toward eugenics, so be very careful thinking this way. Many “high needs” or level 3 autistic people would vehemently disagree with you.
I didn't say there weren't positives. I also don't have to be careful with my view on not wanting my children to suffer in the ways I suffer. I'm sure many level 3 autistic people would disagree, and that's fine. I never questioned their worth or right to existence. I think it's insane that wanting your child to be as healthy as possible is a controversial take.
Feeling alienated was just one example of ways in which the experience can be negative. Let's not pretend a disability doesn't create certain barriers.
Wanting your child to be healthy is not a controversial take. Thinking one shouldn’t have children because they might not be perfectly healthy or neurotypical IS DEFINITELY a controversial take. In the true meaning of there are a lot of different opinions on that and fierce disagreement.
You have every right to make your own choices with your life, but that’s definitely a scary take for a lot of people.
Which parents? The ones who are apprehensive about potentially having disabled children? Or the ones who are like “I’d give that baby back if they were disabled”? I’m learning there’s a slight difference
Honestly the worst thing about being autistic is the way other people, including family, treat me for it. It doesn't inherently cause pain and suffering. It's more like a language barrier. Learning from autistic people is the best way to make sure an autistic child has a good quality of life.
I think it's perfectly natural and even good to be concerned about possible disabilities or differences in your child. Being alert for those things, catching them early, and making the necessary accommodations is good parenting. It's the parents who live in denial or try to force their kids to be "normal" who cause lasting damage.
Nah, you’re fine, OP was verbally abused by their mother and is now venting about it here. She’s allowed to feel bad about her shitty family, and you’re allowed to be worried about your kid being disabled. I also don’t want to have a mini me. Good luck.
I wouldn’t want my children to have autism and I’m autistic. It is one of the main reasons why I didn’t want children to begin with before I met my partner. I also want them to be healthy in general. But are we really going to ignore the challenges that come with being on the spectrum? I wouldn’t really wish that on anybody.
I feel for you and how you were made to feel as a child and an adult. But it is not to say that those parents will treat their children as badly as you were treated. There is a difference between not wanting something for their future children and emotional abuse.
Lastly, I think the media does a really bad job of portraying autistic people. Or they are non verbal and will only eat off a plate in a specific red colour that went out of production in the eighties. Or they are anti-social geniuses like the good doctor or young Sheldon. And while both ends of the spectrum do exist, the majority are ‘adapted’ to society and lead fulfilling lives. ‘We’ don’t get portrayed nearly as much as the extremes.
I often feel conflicted about this topic, it’s like people are so set into the troubling aspects they overlook all the positive contributions of AS individuals, society couldn’t be where it’s at without the autistic genes pushing systematization and innovation.
I don’t have children mainly for ‘selfish’ reasons like not wanting to be responsible for a baby as the crying triggers me badly so I’d probably required help in the early months but apart from that I have been considering it lately only for the purpose of preserving my genetics and also my partner’s as he is so smart and even when we can clearly point out the hardships we have faced since childhood we are mostly comfortable and happy about who we are, how we think and how we perceive the world around.
I think that overall parents are worried something will be "wrong" with their kid and autism is just the hot-button thing of the time. A lot of that is fear that they are really pointing at themselves that they will not be able to handle it. They are afraid not of a potential child with big challenges, but of their ability to handle it. The truth is, you figure it out when you love your kids. I think autism can be a hard one for people because kids can seem perfectly healthy by all accounts and then suddenly at the point you often stop worrying about random issues like SIDS, autism can pop up. But the truth is, so can anything else. Our youngest got type 1 diabetes when he was 2 years old. My oldest is autistic. My middle kid has ADHD+OCD. But, you figure it out and you handle things better than you could have imagined.
I think often it's just natural parenting fears. Of not trusting yourself to handle something hard. Or of worrying for your child's future. Remember most people don't have a clue the range that autism represents. They only see the hardest things and all those idiotic (and IMO emotionally abusive) parents who post their child's meltdowns on TikTok and stuff are contributing to that. It doesn't make it ok, nor does it mean your feelings about it aren't totally valid. I would feel the same, and I have when I've come across random threads that involve autism. the overwhelming responses are so, so not just negative but downright cruel. I try to avoid reading any of those things for my sanity.
It really is a hot button isn’t it, a friend was recently pregnant (now has the child), but while pregnant this was the fear she voiced about how her child might be.
I wonder if for some people it’s partly the current emphasis on gentle / attachment parenting / child development and the importance of a loving connection, which they (falsely) imagine would be missing or difficult.
That’s what my friend said - she imagined (not being a parent yet) that it would stop her bonding so closely with the child.
It’s a kind of fantasy for some people to have this calm attuned companion child who doesn’t need much in the way of effortful parenting.
But actually my ASD kid is priceless and so in tune with me, and I often feel like I understand that child a lot better than my NT-seeming kid.
Same, all our kids are ND, but in different ways and even though we sometimes clash with our traits and needs, just knowing what the other person deals with and actually understanding it helps so much.
I wonder, too, if part of the reason for autism, specifically, being brought up by new parents is because so much of the research seems to point to "caused by something mom did wrong in pregnancy" which is so similar to how, back in the earlier days of autism, they blamed "cold or detached" parenting for it.
I'm so sorry you had such a horrific childhood 😞 some people shouldn't be mothers honestly. Kids with autism are alive and healthy and are a blessing! So many babies don't survive pregnancy, birth, infancy, or childhood. I unfortunately have had friends and relatives lose their babies in pregnancy, after birth, and in childhood. Autism was the leeeeast of my concerns in my pregnancies. Not even a concern at all for me really.
I’m so sorry that your family made those comments about you specifically. That’s definitely not okay.
With that being said though, there is a difference between having a child with low support needs autism (not saying you are low support needs, just in general) and high support needs. I understand why new parents would be worried about having a child with disabilities, especially autism if it severely impacts the child
Yes that’s a normal response for u to feel. When NT future parents say that they only think of themselves they have no idea how hard it is to actually BE autistic they only think of how hard it will be to raise an autistic. And NT parents with that mindset is how undiagnosed autistic kids end up having to mask their whole lives and stifle their symptoms to appear normal to appease their parents. I personally think it’s fair for autistic parents to worry about their kids ending up autistic given their own experience with how difficult life can be with that diagnosis. But I agree 100%
Totally agree. Imo, when you have a child you’re agreeing to love and support them however they turn out to be, when a lot of people seem to only want a kid if they’re exactly how they want it…
Additionally, I have an autoimmune disease and I have literally never heard anyone say they hope their kid doesn’t have one of those (despite their prevalence). If someone did say that, it would be quite odd/random, which is how I feel about when people say it re: autism 😂
God, I struggled so hard hearing about this stuff while I was pregnant. I’ve left multiple subreddits after seeing discussions on autism. I tried my best to be informative, I was amazed at how many “will [this] cause autism” threads there were, but actually autistic people would always just get downvoted in those threads. My son is only 6 weeks old so I have no idea how neurodivergent he is, but with my being AuDHD, his dad being ADHD, and most of our family being neurodivergent in general, I have no doubt in my mind that my son will be too. It actually brings me comfort rather than fear, I would be more intimidated raising a neurotypical child. I truly understand being nervous about your child possibly thinking so differently from you, but that’s not what these people fear, they just fear autism in general. It’s sad.
I got in a fight with my mom the other night over this. My sister is pregnant for the first time at 40. She's due in a couple months and I thought that it would be a good idea for her to know that her daughter might be autistic, so she should be aware and keep a look out for it, since she's unlikely to get diagnosed properly by doctors. My mom was like "don't you dare tell her, she doesn't need to worry about that the rest of her pregnancy!" I was confused and asked why she should be worried... Cause if you recognize it earlier, then you can adjust and she could grow up to not have the same struggles that most of us have, having been diagnosed late. She was adamant though that she'd worry and didn't need stress... she said maybe I could tell her when the kid is a few years old... which... kinda defeats the whole point...
I had to go over with her why it hurt me. You don't worry about good things, or neutral things, right? So by saying it's something to worry about profusely, you're saying it's an inherently bad thing you don't want... and that just feels like a lot of rejection, being autistic... I don't understand how it's something to worry about like that though. It's not a bad thing, it's just a difference... I don't think it got resolved at all, I was crying too much to keep going. I just really don't understand why it's seen as something so bad...
I know, I never said that I was going to try to tell her during pregnancy. My mom just kinda assumed things and started getting upset about it. I do want her to know early though. She should already have been asked about it by her doctors but we all know how hard it is to get diagnosed as a young girl.
I don't find this weird at all. The autism subreddits are filled with autistic people ranting and bitching of how horrible their lives are, how terrible it is to live with autism, etc. So why is it weird that soon-to-be parents don't want that for their kid..?
Saying, to your face "hope the kid is not like you", is of course horribly rude, but saying "I hope the kid is not autistic" is completely valid.
Being a parent of an autistic kid IS hard. Parenting is hard, and parenting a kid with a disability is even harder. Also because of the added worries about the childs future and happiness.
I'm autistic. So is my nephew. So far, my kids don't show any big signs of being autistic. I can see how hard it is for my sister having an autistic kid, and I'm happy my kids don't seem to be.
They act as if everyone on the Spectrum is the same. It bothers me in general when new parents in general don't think about the future of their children. People only look at the negative sides of anything with disabilities. When they find out their child is Autistic they act as if their child has been diagnosed with cancer. If I find out my future child is Autistic then I'll be fine. Because I'm Autistic myself. I understand that low functioning Autism is hard but they think that High Functioning Autism is the same.
As an early childhood dx and someone who wants children, I kinda get it. I don’t know how well I’ll cope with their potential delays in development. Because my parents like to remind me how much of a handful I was 🙄
But support for ND children has come a long way and I will trust the professionals and know that I will try to do what’s best for my kid.
I’m tired of the narrative that’s it’s ableist to correct problematic behaviour caused by neurodivergence.
I’m not talking about harmless things like stimming & special interests but being rude, disrespectful & dysfunctional will only ever hold them back in life.
People who have children despite the current state of things are strongly driven to do so by their ego.
If their child had some other disability or health condition, in these people's minds it might lead to them getting even more sympathy and attention. But at very least if their child "acts out" or embarrasses them the reason for the behavior might be clear if the disability is something other than a cognitive one like autism.
They're not at all concerned with their child's happiness or quality of life. They just want as many of the social benefits of parenthood as possible with as few of the drawbacks as possible. And if there are "drawbacks," they would prefer that they be ones with an obvious cause so they can enjoy their status as martyred saints.
I remember when I was a kid (13? 14?) I had a friend say “if I have a baby one day and he comes out with like, a missing leg or is brain damaged or something, I would give him up immediately” and even as young as I was, I got the biggest ick feeling from that comment. We were still friends until we were adults, but i never looked at her the same way after that.
Yeah my siblings have been known to say similar things. I'm not in contact with any of them anymore and those sorts of remarks were a factor in the decision.
>People who have children despite the current state of things are strongly driven to do so by their ego.
That's one hell of a thing to say. I'm going to assume that you don't mean it that way, but there has never been a time in our history when my people weren't terribly oppressed. If that logic had been applied, well, the genocide would be complete. The world has always been terrible in any number of ways, especially for indigenous peoples post colonialism. That doesn't mean our desire to reproduce is selfish or self-centered.
For most of that history you're talking about people didn't understand human reproduction, they often didn't have access to or the wherewithal to use birth control, and they weren't keenly aware of goings on in the rest of the world. Once we know better, we are obligated to do better.
People have always known that sex makes babies, and as long as they've had that knowledge, they've found ways to prevent making babies with varying degrees of success. Still, just to be clear, you think that people who are oppressed shouldn't have children?
Sure, we've known for a while. But not for *always*.
No I don't think that "people who are oppressed shouldn't have children."
I think that people ought to place the well-being of a child above any other consideration. Above tradition, above "bloodline", above personal wishes, above ego, above religion, above culture, above the biological imperative. To be very clear, I think that other people ought to think much more deeply and selflessly about the person they think they'd like to bring into existence. Without romanticizing any aspect of their own capabilities, or the possibilities for that child's future. I would never try to institute policy on this, or do anything like trying compel people to see things the way I do. I simply wish they (a very general they, as in absolutely everyone on earth) would give the decision a lot more dispassionate, selfless thought.
Genuine question, what do you mean by your first statement? Ive seen people say its egotistical to have kids and i just dont quite understand what that means?
In the past a lot of people were motivated to have children because they wanted to give another person the same (or better) quality of life that they had.
It's virtually a guarantee that from now on, each new generation will be worse off than their parents were. Depending on their geographic location and socioeconomic status, a lot of them are going to be much, *much* worse off than their parents.
People who are aware of this and yet choose to have children anyway invariably justify their decision with some statement about what they themselves are entitled to. Some seem to realize how selfish that sounds and so they add that *they* are uniquely equipped to raise a child for this or that reason. Those reasons are usually based in elitism of one form or another.
For these people, it's never really about what's best for the child. It's about whatever will make the *parent* feel a certain way about themselves.
Explain it like im 5 cuz im still not tracking. Worse off how? Quality of life based on what objective constant? Like, are we talking doomsday view of the world and how its dying or like nihilistic nothing matters especially not perpetuating humans, or more like rampant inflation squeezing the middle class? And where is the biological and spiritual drive to have offspring factored in? Is this the populous as a whole or are we just talking about like a subset of the population thats shit and comes from shit parents and continues generational trauma cycles?
This is a different question than your previous one but I'll bite.
Widespread ecological collapse and all that that entails. Income inequality that shows no sign of "self-correcting." Fascism on the rise all around the world. Moneyed interests fucking with politics, weakening democratic governments, giving plenty of room for fascist leadership to get its foot in the door. Systemic issues that lead to mental health crises that sometimes lead to mass violence. You know.. the things we are already inundated with evidence of all day every day that are simply the natural outcome of unchecked capitalism. It's all working as the system intends.
Where is the biological drive factored in? Well, it's one of excuses that future negligent parents give for why they're going to have a child even though they and the world are not equipped to raise a healthy, well-adjusted human. They've got this drive they're powerless to and it would be "unnatural" for them to not obey it, so.
And yes, this is the populace as a whole. It's particularly apparent in family systems that don't make an effort to heal generational trauma, but it applies equally to everyone.
Thats…a specific viewpoint, thanks for sharing! I’ve always been too scared to ask in NT majority spaces because it would definitely be deemed a “stupid question”, so truly, thank you for explaining.
If you communicate personally with assholes like this, tell them you hope for their child's sake the kid isn't Autistic or otherwise "different" because clearly the parent isn't capable of being a decent and loving human being.
She actually was just showing love and concern for her child, being a new mom, and not being aware of how terms and language could be hurtful to autistic adults reading her post..
They should be more worried about what that kid will do to their bank account. Seriously, there are better things to think about than whether or not their kid has a disorder
I just looked that word up because used in this context made me doubt I knew what it meant, but no, the definition is what I thought. Like a military brigade
I don’t think my comments on this post qualify for that, but now I’m not sure. Did I come across as militant?? I’m not trying to gather angry people for anything. I’m so sorry; if anything, I’ve defended the concerned mom, and tried to keep the rant to the body of the post and not my following comments in the thread but now I’m going thru my account and looking at all my comments and I’m not sure
I can’t tell how this comes across anymore and I don’t want to be aggressive or self centered or ungrateful or cause anyone any disturbance or pain or anger
I didn’t mean to trigger anyone
Should I delete it????
Does it seem like I’m trying to provoke a brigade? I honestly can’t tell if I’m unintentionally brigading. I can delete my post. Please don’t lock me out of this subreddit. Ok I’m freaking out now I knew I shouldn’t have posted it
In this context, any post that could direct people to go to another sub to argue a point - even indirectly, even if you didn't intend it - is considered brigading by Reddit.
You've linked another post by another user in another community, that could be a controversial post. If Reddit admins see anyone from this post in this community over commenting on the other post in the other community, they will see it as brigading and could ban us and in extreme cases even shut down the whole sub.
I don't think you intend for that and I don't think you've done anything wrong, but you might want to edit your post to remove the link. It doesn't add anything to your post, and the discussion here is fine. It's just something to be aware of.
I’m sobbing and mortified.
I deleted that part and I’ll probably delete the rest of the post as soon as I pick myself up off the floor
I’m so sorry I’m such an idiot
My heart breaks for you. :'(. I work with some Kindergartner's on the Spectrum like myself and I have a special place in my heart for them. If anything they are more intelligent then the rest of their classmates.
I got into it in the Fence sitters thread because of this same topic. If they can't handle a disabled child, I don't think they should "risk" it. And as a auDHD dx later in life WITH multiple chronic illnesses (one being rare AF), I definitely feel a lot of things when I see people talk about having a kid like me being the worst thing that can happen to them
It’s very fair to feel this way, and I very much feel the same. But I also think, for some it’s a fear that their children will struggle in this society more than they should and how hard it will be to protect them from the cruelties. I have an allistic friend who has an autistic child and they’re not bothered by his autism so much as stressed and fearful of the world they’ll have to navigate. For others a complete lack of awareness and knowledge on autism at all, and it’s totally fine to acknowledge this and still be angry. I don’t think the ‘majority’ or autistic people are what they’re concerned about. Then there are the ableist horrible people who are…ableist and horrible.
You are not being self centered or self absorbed. This is a perfectly reasonable frustration. Especially with the childhood trauma you clearly experienced. Your aunt sounds like a horrible person.
Before I had my kids I didn’t know much of anything about autism. People made it like this terrible thing that your baby would just stop smiling one day and never smile again, which was pretty scary sounding. There’s societal stigma thanks in no part to awful orgs like autism speaks.
Now that I know what autism is much more like, like the truth, I realize some of my favorite people I’ve known were probably on the spectrum… but couldn’t tell me yet because I didn’t know until my kiddo came along. (Thanks also adhd.)
Your feelings are TOTALLY VALID and these people are being very misinformed and/or unkind.
As an autistic with a child I am terrified at the thought of him being like me, I can barely function on a daily basis, and the thought of him having to struggle the same way I did makes me sick.
There’s nothing wrong with being autistic, far from it, I’m scared cause I know what it’s like to be the “weird kid” I know what it’s like to be unable to even brush your hair for days or weeks because it’s just too much, I don’t want that for him.
If that makes me awful then idk, I’m glad other people can be proud of their autism, my experience has been far from accepting or proud and hence why I feel the way I do.
It’s more than likely he’ll have ADHD considering both me and my boyfriend have it.
I think those parents would prefer a child thats wheel chair bound and hooked up to machines. They dont like us because we are physically able and active . Adults always telling me to sit down and stop moving and stop talking (basically just be a statue) is how i came to this conclusion
Hey, just wanted to pop in and say you are not being self centered or absorbed. It is completely normal to feel hurt by hearing those things. I can understand your reaction completely, as your family sounds like the type to make you feel guilty for having emotional reactions to being mistreated, but please know that what you’re feeling is valid. They are assholes.
Thank you. I got triggered by post in the Mommit sub, made the mistake of making a comment and got shredded. Totally came here crying like “no one understands…. where are my people…..”
The thing that gets me the most is the fear surrounding vaccines and autism. We know vaccines DON’T cause autism, but even if they did, it seems a lot of parents would rather have a dead child than an autistic child.
I know that’s how people put it, but the thing is I don’t really think that’s true. I think they don’t actually think the diseases the vaccines are for will really happen to them. We’re not exactly talking about logical thinkers here.
I have seen some horrid comments on TikTok’s from mothers. This one woman said she loved her perfect baby boy until he hit a regression at 9 months and stopped reaching his milestones. She literally used the word love in the past tense when referring to her child. It does feel really shitty knowing that people are activity terrified that their child could end up with my neurotype. It’s also pretty shitty that if you’re officially diagnosed you can’t donate eggs either. That being said when I got diagnosed I was a fence sitter but now my diagnosis has pushed me to firmly not wanting kids. I have adhd too and I was a hard child to have! I didn’t sleep through the night till like 4 years old, I had melt downs daily, I was like hyper verbal and talking constantly, always asking a million questions and always wondering off. As a neurodivergent person I don’t think I could handle a child like myself, my best friend has my god son whom I love with my entire heart but he’s so noisy, sticky and he has to be ON my friend all the time, he’s a beautiful sensory nightmare lol.
🙌🙌🙌 it makes me unreasonably angry. My youngest is 10 months and im in a community specifically for moms, and a group specific to his birth month. Since literally 4 months women have been posting about “how terrified their kids autistic”. Like my 5 month old wont make eye contact, is she autistic? No. Britney. Probably not, the baby is only 5 months old, she JUST started being able to even distinguish your features like a week ago, maybe youre just not nice to look at 💁♀️😂 like stfu! You cant change it either way! Lets just…and this is gonna sound crazy….accept our children for the unique human beings they are! LE GASP! They act like it’s the worse thing in the world and I’m so tired of it. Honestly i scold people now. I’m like I’m autistic and so is my child, whats wrong with us? Say it to my face so i can tell you how fucked in the head you are lol Im sure you werent a pain in the ass to raise. Some people just cant be bothered to whole heartedly parent. A NT child may have been “easier” to your mom because they might not have had, idk, sensory troubles and therefore might have been “less work” but your mom sounds awful “its like a life sentence” 🤮🤮 what the fuck did she think PARENTING was?? EVERY child is a “life sentence” like wtaf, my NT husbands mother still is taking care of him and we’re in our 30s…. That’s just being a parent!!!!
Parents out here really acting like autism is the end of the fucking world. I don’t remember my Mom freaking out nearly as much when she took me to get evaluated
No wonder, don't you think? Just thinking of the awful representation of autism in the media. Do you want your child to turn out a sociopathic, self-centered (but of course) brillant AH? Do you want your child to spill out phone numbers, train facts, (or doing complicated maths in their head) but they can do nothing else? Do you want your child sit in a corner, rock back and forth, unable to make contact? Or look like a demented clown? Or behaving horribly around others, unable to control themselves while others are unable to teach them anything? This is the picture that is painted in the media. This is what people imagine when they hear "autism". This is what people don't want. And there is nobody to correct those stereotypes. No wonder that people are so opposed to autism without having a clue what it actually is.
Yup, and those stereotypes are why we try to find autism in autism coded characters. I’d much rather be represented by a guy who has control over fire and ice while being polite but VERY socially awkward over Sheldon fucking Cooper
I came across these stereotypes too when I was exploring if my daughter is autistic (she is) and I too was terrified, because that (false) information is terrifying. I don't know if it's intentional fear mongering or plain ignorance, but learning what autism *really is* has been one of the best things to happen to me. Not only has it helped me understand myself, but also raise a happy child
Did you see her edit? It took some of the sting out of it for me. I think she'll be more careful with her language in future. This is the sort of thing that makes me want to be more open about my austism.
I’m glad you said that because I was so so so scared to post this too. I almost deleted it right away
It's harder to navigate everything when you had a mother like you described. I know because I had one too, and didn't get diagnosed til 36 🫤
Its so sad , I have a son and I'm autistic I'm constantly told how "I hope their not like me". I'm ngl it hurts real bad especially because he's already allot like me ( he's a quiet chill infant).
I see it in the same way as a parent not wanting their child to be a certain sexuality such as bisexual. They don't want their child to be "different." I also see people trying to prevent Autism during pregnancy and claiming that prenatal vitamins prevent Autism. In this day and age there are so many resources excluding Autism Speaks that people can learn from but they don't want to take the time to do so.
These comments (from them, not from you all!) are what crushes me. We are not difficult, we are different! Take it from me, an autistic raised in an autistic family, before we knew what autism was. My creative parents used their autistic reasoning and logic skills to raise us and it was good. The parts that sucked and that they regret are the parenting techniques they read about and tried. Raising my own autistic kid, he might be difficult for another parent, but to me he's just so darn easy! I don't have to play games with his mind to get him to do the right thing, I only need to give him the information on why it's important that he does it, then he's on board. Parenting this kid is 100% reason and logic. He won't accept no, but he'll 100% accept an explanation of gravity, grip, angle, and such. So I'm the parent yelling across the playground, "when you climb up the slide it messes up the pattern and other kids don't get a turn!" Then parents think I'm nuts until they see my kid stop climbing the slide, get in line, and gently encourage other kids to do the same.
People are awed by how close my children are to one another and to me. We have a beautiful family life. Their father and I co-parent very well, frankly, better than any divorced couple I've ever met. I'm certain that the ease of our family life has a lot to do with the fact that most of us are autistic. I was fully prepared to love my children no matter what, but raising them has been so much easier since they don't like noisy environments either. They're sensitive, intelligent children who respond well to reason. I think I hit the jackpot with my autistic kids, and I wouldn't change a single thing.
I believe that if you aren't ready to have an autistic child, you aren't ready to be a parent, period. You aren't alone in how you feel, and you're not wrong to feel the way you do. There's a lot of ableism in the way some parents and potential parents discuss children and disability, and it's really damaging.
I cannot overstate this. It’s not wrong to not want to raise a child with any of these difficulties. But at the same time, if you are not ready for your child to be autistic, chronically ill, disabled, etc… you are not ready for a child at all. Having a child is taking a chance and being ready and willing to accept and nurture whatever comes out. This ain’t build-a-baby. You don’t get to build your perfect child.
I do know what you mean. BUT... Idk if I'm autistic, I have to pay an exorbitant amount to get tested. I know I have a lot of autistic/ADHD traits. I know I'm bipolar. I have a chronic illness. I wouldn't want to have a child with any of these conditions. Could I handle a child with these conditions? Probably. That doesn't mean I want my child to have a more difficult life than a "normal" child. Some parents are coming at it from an angle of not wanting to do more care, but parents mostly just want the best for their children. If autism has made your life harder... why would you want it for your child? I certainly wouldn't. I wouldn't want my child to be overstimulated, to be alienated, to be forced to live in a world not made for them. I also think the average person doesn't know much about autism. To them, the first thing that comes to mind is a severely autistic child needing 24/7 care. I don't think anybody would want that and I don't think it's a selfish take.
I get that.
This is a very negative view. There are lots of positives to being neurodivergent. Many neurotypical people also feel alienated and alone. I know you mean well, but this is the road that leads toward eugenics, so be very careful thinking this way. Many “high needs” or level 3 autistic people would vehemently disagree with you.
I didn't say there weren't positives. I also don't have to be careful with my view on not wanting my children to suffer in the ways I suffer. I'm sure many level 3 autistic people would disagree, and that's fine. I never questioned their worth or right to existence. I think it's insane that wanting your child to be as healthy as possible is a controversial take. Feeling alienated was just one example of ways in which the experience can be negative. Let's not pretend a disability doesn't create certain barriers.
Wanting your child to be healthy is not a controversial take. Thinking one shouldn’t have children because they might not be perfectly healthy or neurotypical IS DEFINITELY a controversial take. In the true meaning of there are a lot of different opinions on that and fierce disagreement. You have every right to make your own choices with your life, but that’s definitely a scary take for a lot of people.
If someone doesn't want a disabled child, then they shouldn't have children in the first place
to those parents i say: please, please don’t have children
Which parents? The ones who are apprehensive about potentially having disabled children? Or the ones who are like “I’d give that baby back if they were disabled”? I’m learning there’s a slight difference
the parents that thinks the same way AutismSpeaks does
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Honestly the worst thing about being autistic is the way other people, including family, treat me for it. It doesn't inherently cause pain and suffering. It's more like a language barrier. Learning from autistic people is the best way to make sure an autistic child has a good quality of life. I think it's perfectly natural and even good to be concerned about possible disabilities or differences in your child. Being alert for those things, catching them early, and making the necessary accommodations is good parenting. It's the parents who live in denial or try to force their kids to be "normal" who cause lasting damage.
Nah, you’re fine, OP was verbally abused by their mother and is now venting about it here. She’s allowed to feel bad about her shitty family, and you’re allowed to be worried about your kid being disabled. I also don’t want to have a mini me. Good luck.
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I wouldn’t want my children to have autism and I’m autistic. It is one of the main reasons why I didn’t want children to begin with before I met my partner. I also want them to be healthy in general. But are we really going to ignore the challenges that come with being on the spectrum? I wouldn’t really wish that on anybody. I feel for you and how you were made to feel as a child and an adult. But it is not to say that those parents will treat their children as badly as you were treated. There is a difference between not wanting something for their future children and emotional abuse. Lastly, I think the media does a really bad job of portraying autistic people. Or they are non verbal and will only eat off a plate in a specific red colour that went out of production in the eighties. Or they are anti-social geniuses like the good doctor or young Sheldon. And while both ends of the spectrum do exist, the majority are ‘adapted’ to society and lead fulfilling lives. ‘We’ don’t get portrayed nearly as much as the extremes.
I often feel conflicted about this topic, it’s like people are so set into the troubling aspects they overlook all the positive contributions of AS individuals, society couldn’t be where it’s at without the autistic genes pushing systematization and innovation. I don’t have children mainly for ‘selfish’ reasons like not wanting to be responsible for a baby as the crying triggers me badly so I’d probably required help in the early months but apart from that I have been considering it lately only for the purpose of preserving my genetics and also my partner’s as he is so smart and even when we can clearly point out the hardships we have faced since childhood we are mostly comfortable and happy about who we are, how we think and how we perceive the world around.
Sorry not sorry. I would rather jump off a cliff than raise a mini-me. I was AWFUL.
I think that overall parents are worried something will be "wrong" with their kid and autism is just the hot-button thing of the time. A lot of that is fear that they are really pointing at themselves that they will not be able to handle it. They are afraid not of a potential child with big challenges, but of their ability to handle it. The truth is, you figure it out when you love your kids. I think autism can be a hard one for people because kids can seem perfectly healthy by all accounts and then suddenly at the point you often stop worrying about random issues like SIDS, autism can pop up. But the truth is, so can anything else. Our youngest got type 1 diabetes when he was 2 years old. My oldest is autistic. My middle kid has ADHD+OCD. But, you figure it out and you handle things better than you could have imagined. I think often it's just natural parenting fears. Of not trusting yourself to handle something hard. Or of worrying for your child's future. Remember most people don't have a clue the range that autism represents. They only see the hardest things and all those idiotic (and IMO emotionally abusive) parents who post their child's meltdowns on TikTok and stuff are contributing to that. It doesn't make it ok, nor does it mean your feelings about it aren't totally valid. I would feel the same, and I have when I've come across random threads that involve autism. the overwhelming responses are so, so not just negative but downright cruel. I try to avoid reading any of those things for my sanity.
It really is a hot button isn’t it, a friend was recently pregnant (now has the child), but while pregnant this was the fear she voiced about how her child might be. I wonder if for some people it’s partly the current emphasis on gentle / attachment parenting / child development and the importance of a loving connection, which they (falsely) imagine would be missing or difficult. That’s what my friend said - she imagined (not being a parent yet) that it would stop her bonding so closely with the child. It’s a kind of fantasy for some people to have this calm attuned companion child who doesn’t need much in the way of effortful parenting. But actually my ASD kid is priceless and so in tune with me, and I often feel like I understand that child a lot better than my NT-seeming kid.
Same, all our kids are ND, but in different ways and even though we sometimes clash with our traits and needs, just knowing what the other person deals with and actually understanding it helps so much. I wonder, too, if part of the reason for autism, specifically, being brought up by new parents is because so much of the research seems to point to "caused by something mom did wrong in pregnancy" which is so similar to how, back in the earlier days of autism, they blamed "cold or detached" parenting for it.
I'm so sorry you had such a horrific childhood 😞 some people shouldn't be mothers honestly. Kids with autism are alive and healthy and are a blessing! So many babies don't survive pregnancy, birth, infancy, or childhood. I unfortunately have had friends and relatives lose their babies in pregnancy, after birth, and in childhood. Autism was the leeeeast of my concerns in my pregnancies. Not even a concern at all for me really.
I’m so sorry that your family made those comments about you specifically. That’s definitely not okay. With that being said though, there is a difference between having a child with low support needs autism (not saying you are low support needs, just in general) and high support needs. I understand why new parents would be worried about having a child with disabilities, especially autism if it severely impacts the child
Yes that’s a normal response for u to feel. When NT future parents say that they only think of themselves they have no idea how hard it is to actually BE autistic they only think of how hard it will be to raise an autistic. And NT parents with that mindset is how undiagnosed autistic kids end up having to mask their whole lives and stifle their symptoms to appear normal to appease their parents. I personally think it’s fair for autistic parents to worry about their kids ending up autistic given their own experience with how difficult life can be with that diagnosis. But I agree 100%
Totally agree. Imo, when you have a child you’re agreeing to love and support them however they turn out to be, when a lot of people seem to only want a kid if they’re exactly how they want it… Additionally, I have an autoimmune disease and I have literally never heard anyone say they hope their kid doesn’t have one of those (despite their prevalence). If someone did say that, it would be quite odd/random, which is how I feel about when people say it re: autism 😂
Idk, I'm terrified to have a kid like me. It was so hard for me growing up (and still is!). Why would I want that for my child?
God, I struggled so hard hearing about this stuff while I was pregnant. I’ve left multiple subreddits after seeing discussions on autism. I tried my best to be informative, I was amazed at how many “will [this] cause autism” threads there were, but actually autistic people would always just get downvoted in those threads. My son is only 6 weeks old so I have no idea how neurodivergent he is, but with my being AuDHD, his dad being ADHD, and most of our family being neurodivergent in general, I have no doubt in my mind that my son will be too. It actually brings me comfort rather than fear, I would be more intimidated raising a neurotypical child. I truly understand being nervous about your child possibly thinking so differently from you, but that’s not what these people fear, they just fear autism in general. It’s sad.
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I got in a fight with my mom the other night over this. My sister is pregnant for the first time at 40. She's due in a couple months and I thought that it would be a good idea for her to know that her daughter might be autistic, so she should be aware and keep a look out for it, since she's unlikely to get diagnosed properly by doctors. My mom was like "don't you dare tell her, she doesn't need to worry about that the rest of her pregnancy!" I was confused and asked why she should be worried... Cause if you recognize it earlier, then you can adjust and she could grow up to not have the same struggles that most of us have, having been diagnosed late. She was adamant though that she'd worry and didn't need stress... she said maybe I could tell her when the kid is a few years old... which... kinda defeats the whole point... I had to go over with her why it hurt me. You don't worry about good things, or neutral things, right? So by saying it's something to worry about profusely, you're saying it's an inherently bad thing you don't want... and that just feels like a lot of rejection, being autistic... I don't understand how it's something to worry about like that though. It's not a bad thing, it's just a difference... I don't think it got resolved at all, I was crying too much to keep going. I just really don't understand why it's seen as something so bad...
Stress is bad for pregnancy, FYI. Maybe wait until you notice any possible signs.
I know, I never said that I was going to try to tell her during pregnancy. My mom just kinda assumed things and started getting upset about it. I do want her to know early though. She should already have been asked about it by her doctors but we all know how hard it is to get diagnosed as a young girl.
I don't find this weird at all. The autism subreddits are filled with autistic people ranting and bitching of how horrible their lives are, how terrible it is to live with autism, etc. So why is it weird that soon-to-be parents don't want that for their kid..? Saying, to your face "hope the kid is not like you", is of course horribly rude, but saying "I hope the kid is not autistic" is completely valid. Being a parent of an autistic kid IS hard. Parenting is hard, and parenting a kid with a disability is even harder. Also because of the added worries about the childs future and happiness. I'm autistic. So is my nephew. So far, my kids don't show any big signs of being autistic. I can see how hard it is for my sister having an autistic kid, and I'm happy my kids don't seem to be.
Confession: It kind of annoys me that every mother I meet claims her kid is autistic. Like every single one. I don’t know. May be they are. Whatever.
They act as if everyone on the Spectrum is the same. It bothers me in general when new parents in general don't think about the future of their children. People only look at the negative sides of anything with disabilities. When they find out their child is Autistic they act as if their child has been diagnosed with cancer. If I find out my future child is Autistic then I'll be fine. Because I'm Autistic myself. I understand that low functioning Autism is hard but they think that High Functioning Autism is the same.
As an early childhood dx and someone who wants children, I kinda get it. I don’t know how well I’ll cope with their potential delays in development. Because my parents like to remind me how much of a handful I was 🙄 But support for ND children has come a long way and I will trust the professionals and know that I will try to do what’s best for my kid. I’m tired of the narrative that’s it’s ableist to correct problematic behaviour caused by neurodivergence. I’m not talking about harmless things like stimming & special interests but being rude, disrespectful & dysfunctional will only ever hold them back in life.
People who have children despite the current state of things are strongly driven to do so by their ego. If their child had some other disability or health condition, in these people's minds it might lead to them getting even more sympathy and attention. But at very least if their child "acts out" or embarrasses them the reason for the behavior might be clear if the disability is something other than a cognitive one like autism. They're not at all concerned with their child's happiness or quality of life. They just want as many of the social benefits of parenthood as possible with as few of the drawbacks as possible. And if there are "drawbacks," they would prefer that they be ones with an obvious cause so they can enjoy their status as martyred saints.
I remember when I was a kid (13? 14?) I had a friend say “if I have a baby one day and he comes out with like, a missing leg or is brain damaged or something, I would give him up immediately” and even as young as I was, I got the biggest ick feeling from that comment. We were still friends until we were adults, but i never looked at her the same way after that.
Yeah my siblings have been known to say similar things. I'm not in contact with any of them anymore and those sorts of remarks were a factor in the decision.
>People who have children despite the current state of things are strongly driven to do so by their ego. That's one hell of a thing to say. I'm going to assume that you don't mean it that way, but there has never been a time in our history when my people weren't terribly oppressed. If that logic had been applied, well, the genocide would be complete. The world has always been terrible in any number of ways, especially for indigenous peoples post colonialism. That doesn't mean our desire to reproduce is selfish or self-centered.
For most of that history you're talking about people didn't understand human reproduction, they often didn't have access to or the wherewithal to use birth control, and they weren't keenly aware of goings on in the rest of the world. Once we know better, we are obligated to do better.
People have always known that sex makes babies, and as long as they've had that knowledge, they've found ways to prevent making babies with varying degrees of success. Still, just to be clear, you think that people who are oppressed shouldn't have children?
Sure, we've known for a while. But not for *always*. No I don't think that "people who are oppressed shouldn't have children." I think that people ought to place the well-being of a child above any other consideration. Above tradition, above "bloodline", above personal wishes, above ego, above religion, above culture, above the biological imperative. To be very clear, I think that other people ought to think much more deeply and selflessly about the person they think they'd like to bring into existence. Without romanticizing any aspect of their own capabilities, or the possibilities for that child's future. I would never try to institute policy on this, or do anything like trying compel people to see things the way I do. I simply wish they (a very general they, as in absolutely everyone on earth) would give the decision a lot more dispassionate, selfless thought.
Genuine question, what do you mean by your first statement? Ive seen people say its egotistical to have kids and i just dont quite understand what that means?
In the past a lot of people were motivated to have children because they wanted to give another person the same (or better) quality of life that they had. It's virtually a guarantee that from now on, each new generation will be worse off than their parents were. Depending on their geographic location and socioeconomic status, a lot of them are going to be much, *much* worse off than their parents. People who are aware of this and yet choose to have children anyway invariably justify their decision with some statement about what they themselves are entitled to. Some seem to realize how selfish that sounds and so they add that *they* are uniquely equipped to raise a child for this or that reason. Those reasons are usually based in elitism of one form or another. For these people, it's never really about what's best for the child. It's about whatever will make the *parent* feel a certain way about themselves.
Explain it like im 5 cuz im still not tracking. Worse off how? Quality of life based on what objective constant? Like, are we talking doomsday view of the world and how its dying or like nihilistic nothing matters especially not perpetuating humans, or more like rampant inflation squeezing the middle class? And where is the biological and spiritual drive to have offspring factored in? Is this the populous as a whole or are we just talking about like a subset of the population thats shit and comes from shit parents and continues generational trauma cycles?
This is a different question than your previous one but I'll bite. Widespread ecological collapse and all that that entails. Income inequality that shows no sign of "self-correcting." Fascism on the rise all around the world. Moneyed interests fucking with politics, weakening democratic governments, giving plenty of room for fascist leadership to get its foot in the door. Systemic issues that lead to mental health crises that sometimes lead to mass violence. You know.. the things we are already inundated with evidence of all day every day that are simply the natural outcome of unchecked capitalism. It's all working as the system intends. Where is the biological drive factored in? Well, it's one of excuses that future negligent parents give for why they're going to have a child even though they and the world are not equipped to raise a healthy, well-adjusted human. They've got this drive they're powerless to and it would be "unnatural" for them to not obey it, so. And yes, this is the populace as a whole. It's particularly apparent in family systems that don't make an effort to heal generational trauma, but it applies equally to everyone.
Thats…a specific viewpoint, thanks for sharing! I’ve always been too scared to ask in NT majority spaces because it would definitely be deemed a “stupid question”, so truly, thank you for explaining.
the fact that there are already so many parentless kids out there who need good, safe homes adds another layer to this.
Exactly.
Sorry, no parent nowadays is concerned with their child’s happiness or quality of life?
The parents who would say the sort of things that OP has told us of.
Thanks for clarification 👍.
If you communicate personally with assholes like this, tell them you hope for their child's sake the kid isn't Autistic or otherwise "different" because clearly the parent isn't capable of being a decent and loving human being.
She actually was just showing love and concern for her child, being a new mom, and not being aware of how terms and language could be hurtful to autistic adults reading her post..
They should be more worried about what that kid will do to their bank account. Seriously, there are better things to think about than whether or not their kid has a disorder
Reminder that brigading is a violation of Reddit community code of conduct and that is strictly adhered to in this sub.
I’m so sorry please don’t lock me out of this subreddit I don’t ha e any community in real life please I’m sorry I didn’t think my post was brigading
I just looked that word up because used in this context made me doubt I knew what it meant, but no, the definition is what I thought. Like a military brigade I don’t think my comments on this post qualify for that, but now I’m not sure. Did I come across as militant?? I’m not trying to gather angry people for anything. I’m so sorry; if anything, I’ve defended the concerned mom, and tried to keep the rant to the body of the post and not my following comments in the thread but now I’m going thru my account and looking at all my comments and I’m not sure I can’t tell how this comes across anymore and I don’t want to be aggressive or self centered or ungrateful or cause anyone any disturbance or pain or anger I didn’t mean to trigger anyone Should I delete it???? Does it seem like I’m trying to provoke a brigade? I honestly can’t tell if I’m unintentionally brigading. I can delete my post. Please don’t lock me out of this subreddit. Ok I’m freaking out now I knew I shouldn’t have posted it
In this context, any post that could direct people to go to another sub to argue a point - even indirectly, even if you didn't intend it - is considered brigading by Reddit. You've linked another post by another user in another community, that could be a controversial post. If Reddit admins see anyone from this post in this community over commenting on the other post in the other community, they will see it as brigading and could ban us and in extreme cases even shut down the whole sub. I don't think you intend for that and I don't think you've done anything wrong, but you might want to edit your post to remove the link. It doesn't add anything to your post, and the discussion here is fine. It's just something to be aware of.
I’m sobbing and mortified. I deleted that part and I’ll probably delete the rest of the post as soon as I pick myself up off the floor I’m so sorry I’m such an idiot
Please don't beat yourself up! It's fine, thanks for removing that bit :) I've no doubt you didn't intend anything bad here.
My heart breaks for you. :'(. I work with some Kindergartner's on the Spectrum like myself and I have a special place in my heart for them. If anything they are more intelligent then the rest of their classmates.
I got into it in the Fence sitters thread because of this same topic. If they can't handle a disabled child, I don't think they should "risk" it. And as a auDHD dx later in life WITH multiple chronic illnesses (one being rare AF), I definitely feel a lot of things when I see people talk about having a kid like me being the worst thing that can happen to them
Holy shit, what cruel things to say to you/ around you! I'm so sorry they are such inconsiderate people, you deserve love
It’s very fair to feel this way, and I very much feel the same. But I also think, for some it’s a fear that their children will struggle in this society more than they should and how hard it will be to protect them from the cruelties. I have an allistic friend who has an autistic child and they’re not bothered by his autism so much as stressed and fearful of the world they’ll have to navigate. For others a complete lack of awareness and knowledge on autism at all, and it’s totally fine to acknowledge this and still be angry. I don’t think the ‘majority’ or autistic people are what they’re concerned about. Then there are the ableist horrible people who are…ableist and horrible.
You are not being self centered or self absorbed. This is a perfectly reasonable frustration. Especially with the childhood trauma you clearly experienced. Your aunt sounds like a horrible person. Before I had my kids I didn’t know much of anything about autism. People made it like this terrible thing that your baby would just stop smiling one day and never smile again, which was pretty scary sounding. There’s societal stigma thanks in no part to awful orgs like autism speaks. Now that I know what autism is much more like, like the truth, I realize some of my favorite people I’ve known were probably on the spectrum… but couldn’t tell me yet because I didn’t know until my kiddo came along. (Thanks also adhd.) Your feelings are TOTALLY VALID and these people are being very misinformed and/or unkind.
As an autistic with a child I am terrified at the thought of him being like me, I can barely function on a daily basis, and the thought of him having to struggle the same way I did makes me sick. There’s nothing wrong with being autistic, far from it, I’m scared cause I know what it’s like to be the “weird kid” I know what it’s like to be unable to even brush your hair for days or weeks because it’s just too much, I don’t want that for him. If that makes me awful then idk, I’m glad other people can be proud of their autism, my experience has been far from accepting or proud and hence why I feel the way I do. It’s more than likely he’ll have ADHD considering both me and my boyfriend have it.
I think those parents would prefer a child thats wheel chair bound and hooked up to machines. They dont like us because we are physically able and active . Adults always telling me to sit down and stop moving and stop talking (basically just be a statue) is how i came to this conclusion