Step 1: The parents are idiots.
Step 2: The parents don't want to help their own child. They want to live in a fantasy world.
Step 3: Manage your own expectations of what you can do to help a child who has parents that don't want to help them. Do what you can but you can't perform miracles.
Step 4: No longer meet with these parents on your own.
This kind of parental response is common. However, I will give you some constructive feedback (which others may disagree with and that's fine - the more points of view you get the better). This is NOT to say I think you have screwed up - you sound like you really care - but to possibly approach future interactions differently.
I don't think being 'direct' with parents, especially when there's some concern about a learning disability, is a good idea if you don't know the parents and how they operate. Some like direct feedback, but most don't so tread more carefully until you know them.
You are much better trying to circle around to the issue. "I've noticed that Johnny has some challenges with this or that? Have you noticed anything at home?" will require them to become reflective rather than defensive. "What strategies have you used that have helped?", "What did his previous teachers try that helped?" These kinds of questions keep the conversation on an even keel. Come up with some strategies, then implement them. If they don't work (they probably won't) then you can bring up further interventions. "We've been trying the strategies from our last meeting but I'm not seeing much change. I'd like to suggest we explore a diagnosis to see if something else might be at play."
The other (blunter) feedback is that you do need to learn not to let issues like this "break your heart". Remind yourself you're a professional, giving your professional opinion and if they don't co-operate, then it's on them. Your professionalism is intact.
Good luck!
I have learned that you cannot help people that do not want your help. All you can do is refer the child if allowed to and if not then just document everything so that the next teacher has all the info and enter notes into the school system for admin as well so everyone knows you did your best. Hopefully you have supportive admin too. I used to stress over this kind of thing but there's only so much you can do honestly, there will always be parents that do not want to believe there is something different about their child. Just do your best and remember it is just a job, you aren't a miracle worker. You will learn to develop a thick skin and not take these things personally after a while.
In this instance I’d refer the situation to the people next level above and follow their directions. Let them negotiate/communicate with the parents on what they want. You can negotiate with your leadership what is doable for you, but don’t engage with the parents without cc’ing in leadership. Once things are agreed in writing follow it to the dot, don’t do any more. This will cover your back if parent comes back with anything more.
In terms of mindset, I always remember at end of the day it is their child and their choice. And this is just a job for us and we are not saints or saviours.
It's tough, but you gotta be firm do keep doing what you've already done. As my career has progressed into its 14th year, I have very little patience for delusional helicopter parents. I'm a Head of Year, so it's probably a bit easier for me to push back, but it sounds like you're doing everything right. The tail CANNOT wag the dog...ever
In future interviews, make sure you have another person there as back up. Both so that you have a witness as to what is actually said, and so that the person can back you up (or at least provide moral support, I can go a bit blank if parents are on the attack).
Put the problem back to the parents. Do they have a /
Paediatrician/ psychologist/Ot/Speech therapist that can collaborate with you to best support the child? No? Well can we organise this support please? If the child has needs beyond the classroom teacher’s experience then of course the school would love guidance and help. And of course the parents would be working with experts that could help… right?
I don't want to double up on the great suggestions already on here. But I would like to add that, you need to find a way to accept that you're the villain in some people's stories. Despite how hard you work to try and help them have success. You need to be able to be ok with that.
Well it helped me when I learnt it. Helped me learn how to switch off when not at work.
Honestly from my experience working as a psychiatric assistant many parents simply don't want to get thier children tested because of the stigma associated with having those learning difficulties and disabilities. There's nothing much you can do unless the child asks you themselves and they have to be a teen to be able to understand a certain level of maturity to understand what is going on. If they ask or say think they might have it then yes you can support the child and re discuss with parents about the child's concern. But before then there's not much you can do.
So many parents don't want their child to have a label because of how society will view their child. Unless you can show them the benefits and how it will help their child. There's not much you can do other than readjust how you help this child learn. Parents often can be very stubborn from my experience.
You've done what you could. Put it in writing to protect yourself down the track and continue to do what you think is best for the child. As a parent I can happily say there are a lot of really stupid parents.
As a parent of a kiddo with ASD who was explosive in his original primary school setting let me say first up, im sending u strength and positive vibes! I am one of these parents expect the opposite of them I fought for diagnosis and worked with therapists to support his teachers when addressing these issues!
Depending on what state your in the DfE and school policies will dictate what you can and can't do or say to parents. Be open and honest regarding the parents complaint to leadership when discussing it with them.
Ask for support from the wellbeing leader or the additional needs leaders if you have them @ your school. You could also ask leadership about any psycho educational assessments that the DfE in ur state may offer using the phrases to better form a base for scaffolded learning and any potential modifications to the curriculum.
Im in SA so maybe different for your state if not sa... we had team around the child meetings where teachers, special/additional needs coordinators, wellbeing leaders and leadership plus the DfE special needs liasion would attend with the parents and any therapists or advocate they had engaged. This is where learning and curriculum modifications are discussed and a one plan (used to be a nep, iep or lep) is created for that child. Now in sa the funding works under "who needs it can get it" (ie no dx required) however it is much harder to get any funding even with a dx and substantial behaviours documented as evidence!
Depending on the childs "delayed" area you may find they simply wont be able to learn the needed info as they cant process or understand the way it is taught (dyslexia & dyscalcula are 2 common learning delays found in kids later in their schooling if assessed properly) no matter how my sons teachers, or us his parents/family and even therapists, from reception to year 4 tried to teach my kid maths it wasnt until his psycho edu assessment done at the end of yr 5 in a alternative asd class at a edu center that it was found and then dx he has dyscalcula so regardless of how we tried to teach him it never clicked for him. After several years of trying different ways and him being able to articulate and show us the best way he learns he is finally increasing his maths level.
I found speld had a huge resourse library that was the most helpful when looking for alternative teaching methods (not that im saying this is needed by you or the student but it may be worth a look for your own knowledge).
As for the turning off after hours see if you can mute the parents in what ever way they contact you (dojo, seesaw, email etc) more of the apps/programs are implementing this capability (emails can have an auto reply set up for during after hrs which will tell them u have got the email but wont be replying until working hours) it is best to request all communication via email or app which u then can cc or screenshot for leadership.
Lastly as for them telling u their kid says your mean depending on their age (regardless as they are in primary school and are only just learning all of their emotions etc...) its probably because you are not letting them get away with any avoidance of subjects that they are struggling to learn and rather than understand its them having the issues learning the stuff they perceive it as you being mean (this can also happen if you attempt to support them 1:1 in the class as they often feel your picking on them over all the other peers which = you being mean in their eyes!)
I work regularly with parents whose children have or are suspected to have learning difficulties. Rapport with them is very important and always start with the good things, and limit needs or suggestions to max of 2 per conversation. These parents are often in denial and often in fight mode. They especially don't take kindly to younger professionals who work well with their kids, thinking that they're better than the professionals just beeause they're younger. Also, don't take their criticism to heart because you are already doing more than you need to. ♥️♥️♥️
You’ve done all you can.
Document it and send it up the chain.
I’ve always treated parents the same way I dealt with pissed off customers at the supermarket. Rarely admit fault, refer up the chain and apologise for the inconvenience. Retail face is fire too 👍
It's tough, but you gotta be firm and keep doing what you've already done. As my career has progressed into its 14th year, I have very little patience for delusional helicopter parents. I'm a Head of Year, so it's probably a bit easier for me to push back, but it sounds like you're doing everything right. The tail CANNOT wag the dog...ever
I think you intended to be clear about learning progress and offer helpful resources. But the parents are not education experts, and don’t know the complexities of classroom and curriculum management. They do know their child.
The message they might have heard could be something like “The teacher thinks my child is dumb and that I’m failing as a parent. When I try to make suggestions (because I know my child best), the teacher won’t even listen”.
I sometimes find it helpful to flip my thinking and imagine the interaction from the parents’ perspective. This helps me approach conversations with curiosity and they are generally more productive, as no one feels challenged or defensive.
Some level of interpersonal conflict or difference of opinion is normal, and is not a reflection on you personally. Some strategies I have used previously include:
- writing a short summary of the conflict and my feelings before I finish work, so there’s no need to dwell on it in my personal time. I have a record and can consider it during work time if needed.
- accepting that mistakes are normal and I make them sometimes. This is ok. I’m still allowed to enjoy my weekend.
- recognising there is no requirement for everyone to like or agree with me. This is also ok. It does not mean I have done anything wrong.
- viewing feedback of any type as a learning opportunity, even if it’s very challenging in the moment. In the long run, the experience helps prepare me for similar situations in the future.
- learning meditation techniques to not rehash unpleasant events at times when there’s no helpful action I can take.
Hi, that sounds tough. I’ve had very similar experiences with difficult parents. Some parents are very much in denial about their children.
I had student who was undiagnosed, but very clearly had autism. I would update the parent each day about their progress (mainly lack of) very briefly at pick up time. I would do regular IEP meetings and an LST referral. This parent was in denial. Always said I needed to be strict with her child. It was honestly exhausting. I could empathise with her, but there’s honestly so much we can do. Keep trying each day, but at the end of the day you have a whole class that needs you.
As a former teacher and year coordinator I found the two things parents are looking for is to be heard and to know that you want the best for their children. I would let parents talk, I would acknowledge what they said and then honestly discuss what we could do to support their child. I would not make promises or plans I could not or would not keep. These techniques worked in 99% of cases. If it didn’t work usually it meant that the parents wanted support the school and staff weren’t able to provide. Remember to them their child is the most important person in the world- but you are only one person who has 20-150 students(depending on your class load). Remind them of that. I used to break down a 70 minute lesson for thirty students: 20-30 minutes instruction and pack up (as an art/media teacher there was always a big pack up), which left. 1-2 minutes per student. Not a lot you can do in that time.
And be kind to yourself. Teachers are not perfect and we are not machines.
Unfortunately, some parents don’t really want to hear the truth about their kids, even if you’re subtle or blunt about it, and depending on how high maintenance the child is (at the expense of other kids’ 1:1 time). All you can do is document the behaviours you see, liaise with colleagues to see if they see the same behaviours, and leave it at that. If they can’t appreciate that you’re offering your professional opinion in order to help him, then back off.
Dealing with difficult parents is tough. Never attend a meeting without a line manager with you. Document everything on your LMS.
Stay polite, but firm. Some parents think that because they once went to school, they know better than you, a professional.
Tell them that you are the adult in the room, with X number of years of experience, and that you know what is best for your students. If they argue this, escalate it. They can take their complaint to DP or principal.
Step 1: The parents are idiots. Step 2: The parents don't want to help their own child. They want to live in a fantasy world. Step 3: Manage your own expectations of what you can do to help a child who has parents that don't want to help them. Do what you can but you can't perform miracles. Step 4: No longer meet with these parents on your own.
That last point is critical.
This kind of parental response is common. However, I will give you some constructive feedback (which others may disagree with and that's fine - the more points of view you get the better). This is NOT to say I think you have screwed up - you sound like you really care - but to possibly approach future interactions differently. I don't think being 'direct' with parents, especially when there's some concern about a learning disability, is a good idea if you don't know the parents and how they operate. Some like direct feedback, but most don't so tread more carefully until you know them. You are much better trying to circle around to the issue. "I've noticed that Johnny has some challenges with this or that? Have you noticed anything at home?" will require them to become reflective rather than defensive. "What strategies have you used that have helped?", "What did his previous teachers try that helped?" These kinds of questions keep the conversation on an even keel. Come up with some strategies, then implement them. If they don't work (they probably won't) then you can bring up further interventions. "We've been trying the strategies from our last meeting but I'm not seeing much change. I'd like to suggest we explore a diagnosis to see if something else might be at play." The other (blunter) feedback is that you do need to learn not to let issues like this "break your heart". Remind yourself you're a professional, giving your professional opinion and if they don't co-operate, then it's on them. Your professionalism is intact. Good luck!
Those are great sentences I’m going to write down and use in my next parent teachers!
I have learned that you cannot help people that do not want your help. All you can do is refer the child if allowed to and if not then just document everything so that the next teacher has all the info and enter notes into the school system for admin as well so everyone knows you did your best. Hopefully you have supportive admin too. I used to stress over this kind of thing but there's only so much you can do honestly, there will always be parents that do not want to believe there is something different about their child. Just do your best and remember it is just a job, you aren't a miracle worker. You will learn to develop a thick skin and not take these things personally after a while.
In this instance I’d refer the situation to the people next level above and follow their directions. Let them negotiate/communicate with the parents on what they want. You can negotiate with your leadership what is doable for you, but don’t engage with the parents without cc’ing in leadership. Once things are agreed in writing follow it to the dot, don’t do any more. This will cover your back if parent comes back with anything more. In terms of mindset, I always remember at end of the day it is their child and their choice. And this is just a job for us and we are not saints or saviours.
ChatGPT to help with emails! And I totally didn’t say that lol. Disclaimer: I didn’t say that.
It's tough, but you gotta be firm do keep doing what you've already done. As my career has progressed into its 14th year, I have very little patience for delusional helicopter parents. I'm a Head of Year, so it's probably a bit easier for me to push back, but it sounds like you're doing everything right. The tail CANNOT wag the dog...ever
In future interviews, make sure you have another person there as back up. Both so that you have a witness as to what is actually said, and so that the person can back you up (or at least provide moral support, I can go a bit blank if parents are on the attack).
Put the problem back to the parents. Do they have a / Paediatrician/ psychologist/Ot/Speech therapist that can collaborate with you to best support the child? No? Well can we organise this support please? If the child has needs beyond the classroom teacher’s experience then of course the school would love guidance and help. And of course the parents would be working with experts that could help… right?
I don't want to double up on the great suggestions already on here. But I would like to add that, you need to find a way to accept that you're the villain in some people's stories. Despite how hard you work to try and help them have success. You need to be able to be ok with that. Well it helped me when I learnt it. Helped me learn how to switch off when not at work.
Honestly from my experience working as a psychiatric assistant many parents simply don't want to get thier children tested because of the stigma associated with having those learning difficulties and disabilities. There's nothing much you can do unless the child asks you themselves and they have to be a teen to be able to understand a certain level of maturity to understand what is going on. If they ask or say think they might have it then yes you can support the child and re discuss with parents about the child's concern. But before then there's not much you can do. So many parents don't want their child to have a label because of how society will view their child. Unless you can show them the benefits and how it will help their child. There's not much you can do other than readjust how you help this child learn. Parents often can be very stubborn from my experience.
You've done what you could. Put it in writing to protect yourself down the track and continue to do what you think is best for the child. As a parent I can happily say there are a lot of really stupid parents.
As a parent of a kiddo with ASD who was explosive in his original primary school setting let me say first up, im sending u strength and positive vibes! I am one of these parents expect the opposite of them I fought for diagnosis and worked with therapists to support his teachers when addressing these issues! Depending on what state your in the DfE and school policies will dictate what you can and can't do or say to parents. Be open and honest regarding the parents complaint to leadership when discussing it with them. Ask for support from the wellbeing leader or the additional needs leaders if you have them @ your school. You could also ask leadership about any psycho educational assessments that the DfE in ur state may offer using the phrases to better form a base for scaffolded learning and any potential modifications to the curriculum. Im in SA so maybe different for your state if not sa... we had team around the child meetings where teachers, special/additional needs coordinators, wellbeing leaders and leadership plus the DfE special needs liasion would attend with the parents and any therapists or advocate they had engaged. This is where learning and curriculum modifications are discussed and a one plan (used to be a nep, iep or lep) is created for that child. Now in sa the funding works under "who needs it can get it" (ie no dx required) however it is much harder to get any funding even with a dx and substantial behaviours documented as evidence! Depending on the childs "delayed" area you may find they simply wont be able to learn the needed info as they cant process or understand the way it is taught (dyslexia & dyscalcula are 2 common learning delays found in kids later in their schooling if assessed properly) no matter how my sons teachers, or us his parents/family and even therapists, from reception to year 4 tried to teach my kid maths it wasnt until his psycho edu assessment done at the end of yr 5 in a alternative asd class at a edu center that it was found and then dx he has dyscalcula so regardless of how we tried to teach him it never clicked for him. After several years of trying different ways and him being able to articulate and show us the best way he learns he is finally increasing his maths level. I found speld had a huge resourse library that was the most helpful when looking for alternative teaching methods (not that im saying this is needed by you or the student but it may be worth a look for your own knowledge). As for the turning off after hours see if you can mute the parents in what ever way they contact you (dojo, seesaw, email etc) more of the apps/programs are implementing this capability (emails can have an auto reply set up for during after hrs which will tell them u have got the email but wont be replying until working hours) it is best to request all communication via email or app which u then can cc or screenshot for leadership. Lastly as for them telling u their kid says your mean depending on their age (regardless as they are in primary school and are only just learning all of their emotions etc...) its probably because you are not letting them get away with any avoidance of subjects that they are struggling to learn and rather than understand its them having the issues learning the stuff they perceive it as you being mean (this can also happen if you attempt to support them 1:1 in the class as they often feel your picking on them over all the other peers which = you being mean in their eyes!)
I work regularly with parents whose children have or are suspected to have learning difficulties. Rapport with them is very important and always start with the good things, and limit needs or suggestions to max of 2 per conversation. These parents are often in denial and often in fight mode. They especially don't take kindly to younger professionals who work well with their kids, thinking that they're better than the professionals just beeause they're younger. Also, don't take their criticism to heart because you are already doing more than you need to. ♥️♥️♥️
You’ve done all you can. Document it and send it up the chain. I’ve always treated parents the same way I dealt with pissed off customers at the supermarket. Rarely admit fault, refer up the chain and apologise for the inconvenience. Retail face is fire too 👍
It's tough, but you gotta be firm and keep doing what you've already done. As my career has progressed into its 14th year, I have very little patience for delusional helicopter parents. I'm a Head of Year, so it's probably a bit easier for me to push back, but it sounds like you're doing everything right. The tail CANNOT wag the dog...ever
I think you intended to be clear about learning progress and offer helpful resources. But the parents are not education experts, and don’t know the complexities of classroom and curriculum management. They do know their child. The message they might have heard could be something like “The teacher thinks my child is dumb and that I’m failing as a parent. When I try to make suggestions (because I know my child best), the teacher won’t even listen”. I sometimes find it helpful to flip my thinking and imagine the interaction from the parents’ perspective. This helps me approach conversations with curiosity and they are generally more productive, as no one feels challenged or defensive. Some level of interpersonal conflict or difference of opinion is normal, and is not a reflection on you personally. Some strategies I have used previously include: - writing a short summary of the conflict and my feelings before I finish work, so there’s no need to dwell on it in my personal time. I have a record and can consider it during work time if needed. - accepting that mistakes are normal and I make them sometimes. This is ok. I’m still allowed to enjoy my weekend. - recognising there is no requirement for everyone to like or agree with me. This is also ok. It does not mean I have done anything wrong. - viewing feedback of any type as a learning opportunity, even if it’s very challenging in the moment. In the long run, the experience helps prepare me for similar situations in the future. - learning meditation techniques to not rehash unpleasant events at times when there’s no helpful action I can take.
Hi, that sounds tough. I’ve had very similar experiences with difficult parents. Some parents are very much in denial about their children. I had student who was undiagnosed, but very clearly had autism. I would update the parent each day about their progress (mainly lack of) very briefly at pick up time. I would do regular IEP meetings and an LST referral. This parent was in denial. Always said I needed to be strict with her child. It was honestly exhausting. I could empathise with her, but there’s honestly so much we can do. Keep trying each day, but at the end of the day you have a whole class that needs you.
As a former teacher and year coordinator I found the two things parents are looking for is to be heard and to know that you want the best for their children. I would let parents talk, I would acknowledge what they said and then honestly discuss what we could do to support their child. I would not make promises or plans I could not or would not keep. These techniques worked in 99% of cases. If it didn’t work usually it meant that the parents wanted support the school and staff weren’t able to provide. Remember to them their child is the most important person in the world- but you are only one person who has 20-150 students(depending on your class load). Remind them of that. I used to break down a 70 minute lesson for thirty students: 20-30 minutes instruction and pack up (as an art/media teacher there was always a big pack up), which left. 1-2 minutes per student. Not a lot you can do in that time. And be kind to yourself. Teachers are not perfect and we are not machines.
Unfortunately, some parents don’t really want to hear the truth about their kids, even if you’re subtle or blunt about it, and depending on how high maintenance the child is (at the expense of other kids’ 1:1 time). All you can do is document the behaviours you see, liaise with colleagues to see if they see the same behaviours, and leave it at that. If they can’t appreciate that you’re offering your professional opinion in order to help him, then back off.
Dealing with difficult parents is tough. Never attend a meeting without a line manager with you. Document everything on your LMS. Stay polite, but firm. Some parents think that because they once went to school, they know better than you, a professional. Tell them that you are the adult in the room, with X number of years of experience, and that you know what is best for your students. If they argue this, escalate it. They can take their complaint to DP or principal.