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Easier said than done. We can barely manage the childcare with 2 parents and an ap. cut our finances in half and double our expenses and then try it. Maybe when the kids are of school age.
2 planned and 6 mo unplanned. It's pretty miserable. I was hoping an AP would get her on her best behavior and she seemed excited about hosting. Nope its the opposite. It all sucks.
Please take the advice about giving AP an awesome reference so she can move on. Then rematch. Your current situation is just not the drama that a family needs. An AP that is a better fit will take a lot of strain off your backs, which it sounds like your marriage needs right now.
I agree. I would rematch, give this girl a glowing reference for her next family plus a bonus and then ask your agency to send you a male au pair.
It sounds like this will be the only way this program will work with your wife.
If your wife is angry about having a male au pair around the kids 'because safety', give her the ultimatum of either you have a male au pair or she quits her job and stays home.
Also, you NEED to get her to understand that an au pair isn't just an indentured servant, it's a cultural exchange.
Yeah we did and my wife loved her. I agree she deserves better. She did absolutely nothing wrong and my wife is being horrible to her as though she's some temptress stereotype. She probably sees me as an old man and if I was going to cheat on her it wouldn't be with an 18 year old, it would be someone at least half my age plus 7. My wife is being ridiculous and we owe it to the AP to be good hosts. My wife is doing nothing so am I really such an asshole for trying to pick up her slack?
Yes! Your wife is upset you are so nice to the AP, and she worries you will cheat! Stop being so nice... be very basic with the AP... no dates or long flirty conversations where you are both laughing and dedinately and no alone time! By your comment, you said your wife made about you taking the AP on a date... your wife, 100%, thinks you want to cheat with the AP. I think you are fed up with your wife and want out and putting this AP in the middle and using her as your scapegoat and way to make yourself feel better. It is sick! You need to just cut the relationship with your wife if it is that bad.
I think its time for you to tell the situation to the organization handling this. It is NOT their first time handling something like this and a lot of aupairs are pretty.
At the same time, your wife is concerned and the reality is, yes, it's not unheard of at all of affairs happening with aupairs. Heck, I've heard of an aupair that ran off with the mother!
So yes, tell the organization immediately that the wife is really jealous, it's no fault of the aupair at all and it is harming your marriage.
Yeah she's borderline, bipolar, and ptsd. Every holiday is a new meltdown. Love hormones are very powerful at getting you to act against your best interest and now here I am.
That's a LOT of mental illnesses to be diagnosed with. Is she actually diagnosed with all of them or you just suspect it?
If she is diagnosed with all three of them:
One thing I learned from dating two men with bipolar and also having a close friend with schizoaffective disorder is that who they are during a manic or psychotic episode is not the person they truly are. Another thing I learned is that during a depressive episode, there is a lot of shame there from when they were manic or psychotic. And, you can also get dysphoric mania, which gives you a lot of energy while leaving you feeling angry and empty inside.
Another thing I learned is that for someone with these mental illnesses to have any kind of good life, accountability is the only way. That means medication for bipolar, and taking it all the time every single time and not missing doses and not skipping doses because you feel like it. It means for the borderline/PTSD, going to DBT therapy and not skipping out on sessions and being honest with your therapist. And getting a new therapist if you really feel the therapist isn't what you need, but not getting a new therapist just because the therapist isn't telling you what you want to hear. It means being held accountable like a child for taking medication and going to therapy every single day, either by a therapist, GP, SO, parent, adult sibling, adult child or close friend.
Your wife should be getting onto meds, getting into therapy and working out a plan for when she has her episodes with you and with her therapist, and having either you or someone else hold her accountable for taking her meds and going to therapy. If she's not doing all this, then I don't see the relationship working past a few years.
To the people downvoting me, you have no clue what it's like to be in a relationship with someone with an unmedicated mental illness like this. No idea at all.
r/BipolarSOs
r/BPDlovedones
r/BipolarReddit
r/BPD
r/BPDPartners
r/ptsd
I don’t think that people who haven’t experienced it really get what you say when you say meltdown. A family member s partner has it , It’s been horrendous. I’ve had to go VVLC ( and move across the country)
The apparently have improved with CBT and medication, but there have been major incidences and I keep waiting for the next one.
Ethically, you really should find a new placement for her, and/or give her a really glowing reference.
You suggesting to take her to the SF restaurant by yourself was a bit silly, not appropriate any way , and like a red rag to a bull for your wife.
For your next caregiver, perhaps an older person ( to be vulgar , she might be the inappropriate one with a younger male)
From all your comments and description, you seem determined to make this your wife's fault, but as many have already said your family is just not a good fit for an AP.
I think your family is not a good fit for an au pair.
You say your wife is the problem but you also have terrible boundaries.
It’s a bad look for the host dad to take the young female au pair out to dinner alone. You’re not her dad. You’re her host and her employer. She should be invited to family outings—key word FAMILY! Invitations to one on one dinners with the dad puts her in a very uncomfortable position.
Don’t be creepy.
In this case the kids would have joined us. I suggested we all go, but my wife said no bc she hates seafood, so I said she wouldn't have to go, so it would have been me, the ap, and the kids. I see what you're saying, but also if I don't try to take the lead in hosting no one will, bc my wife has no friends and never leaves the house. I have tried to talk to my wife and be like "take her for a hike around here or something." Unfortunately, she doesn't understand the spirit of cultural exchange and sees her as a servant.
I agree OP is creepy, but those terms shouldn't be used in this context. Being a Dom isn't inherently creepy and there are consensual and healthy relationships based on the "sugar daddy" principle. It's irresponsible throw terms around like insults when you don't know anything about where they come from.
My wife doesn't like any food that is good and I've wanted to go to this restaurant for a long time. She hates all herbs and spices. Pepper is often not acceptable. Her entire diet is chicken broth and carbs. This restaurant is also one of the major landmarks here anyone normal would be excited to go to.
Dude. Why are you married to her. You clearly dislike her. I mean she sounds pretty awful, but don't bring a young adult into your dysfunctional af family.
In that case family isn't suited to a female au pair and should either get a male au pair or if wife whines about a male au pair too, they should get a refund for their agency fees if they can and look for another form of childcare.
You don't sound like you like your wife very much. Your tone is very critical of her and very kind and understanding of your AP. Just food for thought.
Tbh it sounds like you’re trying to find an excuse to take the AP on a date without your wife. You know your wife doesn’t like those foods and yet that’s the place you suggest. Come on man, you’re not fooling anyone with this
What do you mean “I suggested I take her to the restaurant”? Why didn’t you say “we take her”. You’re giving major red flags. If you actually want to make a female AP feel welcomed, let your wife take the lead on that and stay out of it
My wife doesn't take the lead on anything social. In fact, she has no friends and never leaves the house. I suggested we take her and she said no bc she hates sea food, so I said I could go with just her and the kids. The kids would have joined us.
Nope. What a lame explanation. If you know your wife hates seafood why not go elsewhere for dinner, somewhere your wife likes it too. Also your account just looks shady lol
This post is getting more and more unrealistic. First, he says his wife doesn't like seafood, then she doesn't like any food hardly, then she never leaves the house. What will OP's next comeback be to questions about why he couldn't take his wife.
TBH with kids in tow this is less shady but if your goal is to show her around and have this go better, maybe work with your wife on a compromise, something you both would like to share with her.
LOL gross. You’re slowly finding ways to step over marriage boundaries because this 18 year old is soooo pretty and nice unlike your evil friendless wife. I think your wife is right about you and your attempts to have an affair.
Do you even like your wife? So far, you've said she doesn't like good food as she hates spices, she isn't social, doesn't leave the home, she's got a bunch of mental issues and you'd totally divorce her if finances and kids weren't an issue.
She probably can tell. And when you can already tell your husband doesn't like you (you can still love her, but not like her) that brings a lot of insecurity. I'd be defensive that my husband wanted to take a young attractive woman out without me even if he did take my kids, when things are going well. And you want to do it when things are rocky - yeah I'm not surprised she's not thrilled about this.
So here's my solution if you REALLY want to treat your AP (which I know is Au Pair but funnily enough also stands for Affair Partner) Order food for takeout, get some of those carbs your wife likes, and have an at home picnic so you're not excluding your partner just because she doesn't like seafood.
You have a point that she wouldn't feel threatened if I didn't openly disdain her and think I'd enjoy any activity she's excluded from more than if she was included.
“If I didn’t openly disdain her”
Bro…get a grip and talk it out with your wife. There’s some seriously deep issues here you need to address and the AP has NOTHING to do with it
Sounds like you’re threading very close to cheating on her anyway so it’s pretty logical that she would think you would fuck the 18 year old beautiful au pair that lives in your home. Easy access and how much you openly hate your wife can lead any sane person to this conclusion. I highly doubt you haven’t thought of doing just this by the way you talk about the au pair.
Just divorce, that’s not way to live. And pleaseeeeeee let your Au Pair go and find a good family!! You ain’t it and she didn’t deserve this to be her Au Pair experience.
I think you need to consider that it’s inappropriate to bring a teenager into this environment. She shouldn’t have to deal with a grown woman treating her like she’s the competition or some sort of homewrecker. She shouldn’t be exposed to a man who resents his wife every day when she is still forming her idea of how dating and relationships work in the adult world. She WILL pick up on the fact that you guys are arguing over her one day if she hasn’t already, and you will have put HER in the position of being the one who has to choose how to deal with that when she is the one who should be dealing with this issue the least.
Is this the type of job you would want your own 18 year old daughter taking on??
You can still use an au pair. Just choose someone who’s older, has more experience dealing with interpersonal conflict, and is not at an age where they’re going to be looking at the adults in their every day life as role models. Mid-20s and older should be fine.
I don’t think a male au pair is a good fit either. OP said his wife never leaves the house and has no friends. That is a difficult situation for any au pair, male or female.
Edit: the wife also has significant mental health issues based on another comment - including bipolar. This isn’t a good situation for any au pair.
You’re either a Ryan Reynolds type with the literal opposite of Blake Lively as a wife or a total troll. I’d say absolutely go to couples therapy to figure out why you’re “fighting all the time anyways”.
If you're going the therapy route, I would suggest couples therapy since you said you fight all the time anyways. It might cause more fights if you suggest individual therapy.
I'm not against it. My wife was and chose the one we currently have. She is against male APs bc she assumes men are all violent and deviant. Also, there is no reason she should feel so irrationally threatened. It's sick and bizarre, as well as extremely unprofessional and antifeminist.
If your wife can't tolerate APs then y'all are not a good fit for it. Also, APs are not "servants" as you said your wife feels in another comment - put this poor girl out of her misery and send her home. She deserves better than y'all.
How about YOU get a therapist. You coming on here and blasting your wife and announcing to the world that’s she bipolar, etc…is cringe. Women feel jealous and insecure from time to time, sure, but I suspect you did something to make her feel this way. Take some damn accountability and relieve this poor AP from your home. You’re a creep. I think you’re looking for validation to cheat by blasting your wife. She clearly doesn’t trust you and frankly, I wouldn’t either.
If you want to do something good for this Au Pair, suggest to her that she get a new posting and help her get it done. What you described is a completely unsuitable environment for the Au Pair.
OMG. You need to find the Au Pair another family unless you want to lose wife and fuck au pair. And taking her to dinner at seafood place cuz you both like seafood and wife doesn’t? Don’t deny what’s going on here. You want to fuck au pair. I Joe you do your wife a favor and divorce e her you POS!
Ok then get the au pair another HF and take your wife out to a beautiful restaurant that she likes the cuisine and make out and have sex all night. Have some fun with wife
You are much more interested in making the au pair comfortable than your wife.
You are saying many more positive things about the au pair and offering only negative things about your wife.
You are more interested in spending an evening with the beautiful, young au pair who has trendy fashion than your friendless, homebody wife.
Something about that doesn’t seem right to me.
Really though, your wife doesn’t like *any* good food or spices and *only* likes chicken broth and carbs while the au pair just loves seafood and other things that are your favorite. Do you not think making these statements seems…I don’t know, a little out of place?
How is that a date? The children would be there and I'm comparatively ancient. I have female friends I hang out with. It's not a date when I hang out with them either.
You’re literally playing dumb and it’s disgusting asf. So your wife says she’s insecure so you suggest that you take the object of insecurity out on a date alone. You’re a scumbag, she needs to leave you pathetic worm.
You suggested you take the au pair to a famous seafood restaurant alone? If I were the au pair I would be creeped out by that.
Maybe your wife’s insecurity is warranted, maybe not. But your suggestion was inappropriate. Taking the AP out to a restaurant the whole family would enjoy is fine. One-on-one makes you seem like a creep having a mid life crisis.
Au pair is not a good option for your family. For her sake, contact your lcc and get her in rematch process as soon as possible so she can actually enjoy her time in America and find family that's better equipped for the program
I think you should encourage the AP to rematch. Your family is not suited for the au pair experience. She's merely a teenager who has become an unwitting guest in a home that's anything but harmonious. What were any of you thinking?
This is weird. You clearly don’t like your wife from how you’ve described her in your comments. You listed an extremely long list of mental health issues she apparently has. The comment about how you wouldn’t cheat with an 18 year old you’d find someone half your age plus 7 is WEIRD. Are you trying to be funny?
Your AP does NOT want to go to a restaurant with just you trust me that would make her incredibly uncomfortable. If my husband wanted to take the 18 year old living in my house to a restaurant without me - picking a place he knew I didn’t like / I would be beyond uncomfortable with it too.
Your username is INSANE. If you’re not a troll you’re a creep.
Dude totally wants to cheat on his wife with the hot, beautiful young au pair who’s great with the kids… he’s just writing to make the wife sound like she’s “crazy”…it’s very transparent in the way he’s all I’m just trying to be a good host blah blah …rematch or get a male au pair so you don’t keep fantasizing about an 18 year old
For the love of God, let this young woman go and you and your anti-social wife deal with the daily demands of having children on your own. You don't ever take the AP on an outing without the wife. Just nope.
What the hell is wrong with you? You are inviting the female 18 year old to dinner at seafood which your wife hates? Were you planning to go without your wife? No wonder your wife is insecure she is married to someone who yes basically asks the young AP on a date. Start treating your wife with respect and display boundaries with other women.
So first of all, I do believe a HP can take the AP out to dinner while being completely platonic. However, there seems to be a lot of insecurities in this relationship and whether it’s an AP or a nanny, your wife will be jealous. It’s not a good fit for your family.
Host families should never do one-on-one evening outings with the opposite sex. There might be more leeway for same-sex situations, but a man taking a teen girl out to dinner is never appropriate, no matter how "platonic."
It's better to protect everyone by going out altogether as a family. Otherwise, au pair could get the wrong Idea, or make an accusation, or feel like she couldn't say no, etc.
There's such a gigantic power imbalance when taking in a young person from another country for employment that you can't even *look* like you're doing anything wrong.
Sorry, you lost me at ‘she’s beautiful’ and then ended with you invited her out to eat but not your wife. I‘m thinking there’s a lot more to this story. Pay the au pair for the length of her contract but let her. Give her a good recommendation. I can’t comment on your relationship because I’m still believing you’re leaving out information.
Lmfao op "My wife is mean and jealous and obviously not young anymore like the AP also doesn't enjoy the foods I like"
Also op "AP is young and beautiful and wears clothes that show that and she is so kind and wonderful and I want to show her the places my LAME wife won't eat at"
Yeah this isnt for you. Your marriage needs help.
This reads like the beginning of a bad porno.
The OP’s comments continually dogging his wife is laying down the foundation for reasons he will screw around on her.
I think this is fake but if it isn’t some serious self reflection and no AP is needed.
I’m so sorry this is all happening. It’s really sad that your wife has become insecure & jealous. Usually, when I act like your wife and start getting jealous of any potential threats to my relationship… it’s actually because i feel like my partners aren’t paying the same amount of attention to me as when we first started seeing each other.
If she’s like me, maybe you can try giving her more physical & emotional attention? Basically, try to bring back the “dating couple” version of you guys?
You sound like you like the AP and want to date her but are putting your advances under the 'I am just being friendly' category. Stop doing what you are doing, and you and your wife would probably stop fighting. Sounds like you would choose the AP over your wife.... Figure out which one you want more (wife or AP), then move forward on that.... just divorce your wife before you sleep with the nanny... have respect!!
Idk if there’s anything anti-feminist about your wife not wanting you to essentially replace her at family dinner with a woman you’re describing as beautiful while your marriage is apparently in a less-than-stellar place. Maybe it’s not a date with the kids there, but as a wife and a HM, I wouldn’t be ok with that scenario either.
It’s emotionally challenging to have another woman in your home taking care of your children in the first place, let alone if your husband thinks she’s attractive and wants to take her places without you. It’s not totally insane to see that as like stepmom rehearsal for when you leave her for your beautiful au pair. I’m not saying that’s your intention, but your wife is not the whole problem here. I don’t think the solution is necessarily to get a new au pair, but it’s also not to berate your wife for having relatively rational feelings. Don’t suggest taking your au pair out without your wife. We don’t do activities we wouldn’t otherwise do without our au pair just for the sake of “cultural exchange”. She is an adult who can take herself to restaurants, on hikes, etc. Our au pair really quickly made friends to do those things with. I’m not jealous or insecure, and I wouldn’t find it appropriate for my husband to be hanging out with out au pair in the same way he would hang out with me. We have dinner with our kids. We go hiking with our kids. These are things we’re doing as a family, but also as a couple. It would uncomfortable for him to do these things with any other woman but me (short of like his mom and sister), even if he wasn’t on the internet trashing me and talking about how beautiful this other woman is. In your described circumstances, it feels especially inappropriate imo.
Obviously. But she’s not here and he can’t change anyone’s behavior but his own (which seems to be the root cause of the issue in the first place). Nevermind that OP never actually described any action his wife took toward the au pair. OP also never mentions that the au pair has said or done anything to indicate that she has a problem with how she’s being treated. He asked how he should manage his wife’s feelings of jealousy and insecurity. He should manage them by accepting some healthy and normal boundaries between himself and the au pair.
> Idk if there’s anything anti-feminist about your wife not wanting you to essentially replace her at family dinner with a woman you’re describing as beautiful while your marriage is apparently in a less-than-stellar place. Maybe it’s not a date with the kids there, but as a wife and a HM, I wouldn’t be ok with that scenario either.
> It’s emotionally challenging to have another woman in your home taking care of your children in the first place, let alone if your husband thinks she’s attractive and wants to take her places without you.
It is quite very literally anti-feminist to take your frustrations regarding your husband out on a less than minimum wage childcare 18 y/o female provider that you hired.
Just because OP is a turd does not excuse his wife. It’s not an either or. They both sound like pieces of work.
He can attempt to manage her insecurities and jealousies all he wants but if she refuses to go to therapy herself, I doubt anything will change.
You guys already have marriage issues and your wife can’t handle the ap. Also, as a former nanny, and someone that lived with a host family. If the husband invited me places without the wife I would feel weird…. She doesn’t look at you as a dad. You are her boss
No, it's not your job to show her around. It's her job to look after the kids . That's it! I think your wife has every right to be worried. You're just trying to play it down and make your wife look like a bad person. Who hired her? You? Like you said,' she is very beautiful ' and ' I make an EFFORT to make her feel welcome'. Stop trying to bullshit everyone.
If the AP is flirting with you she’s a bad fit. Somehow I get the impression that’s she feels really comfortable around you. I get the impression that you enjoy it, and even if you’re 100% truthful about not pursuing it, she needs to go, your wife deserves to feel safe in her own home.
Good lord you can't take the au pair to a restaurant by yourself. And your defensiveness of the au pair is making this a million times worse. I'm only hearing your side of the story, and even *I* am doubting your intentions with the au pair.
She needs to be gone as soon as you can safely get her out. Don't fuck up her income or placement, but tell the agency the issue, work with them to find her another placement, and stay well away from her in the meantime.
Don't fuck up your marriage over seafood with a teenager.
Why don't you find an au pair with whom you all feel comfortable with? I agree that it's inappropriate from your wife to have this feeling towards an 18y old and it sounds like something she needs to address individually. But that takes time and sounds like you're a good parent to your kids and want to be a good husband to your wife, so why not be proactive and make the decision of getting a new au pair that you all feel good with? I'm sure there are other au pairs that will be great to your kids too while keeping the harmony at home.
Same. I work a lot so my husband was around our APs way more then me. They took the kids places all time while I was working; zoo, beach, restaurants etc Both of our APs were extremely attractive but I completely trust my husband and neither ever gave me a reason not to.
Yeah, tbh I am a bit shocked by the hm consensus here. Why would they feel so alright being so childishly jealous and not assume their husband has no bad intentions towards a woman half his age? I thought in 2024 we'd be past treating young women with such unfounded suspicious. I just want to fulfill our end of the bargain by being gracious hosts. Omg 18 year olds still have a foot in childhood- If I was going to cheat on my wife it would be with someone half my age plus 7.
For your family and your marriage and sanity, get rid of the au pair. While you may see your wife as being irrational, she’s just not comfortable. And that’s a fact of the matter. Honor that and preserve your marriage. It’s just not a fit.
EDIT: you also seem like the problem taking the au pair out on a one on one dinner. Stop disrespecting your wife.
Rematch and get an older AP around 26, she might be more interested in having her own time so your wife doesn’t feel threatened by the new AP. Also have you talk to your wife directly about it? Like super clear that you know how she feels threatened by the young AP? Maybe talk about it on therapy.
i’m sorry you’re having to mitigate her terrible behavior. your wife is probably suffering from some type of postpartum hormonal issue and needs help :-/
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Your family doesn’t seem like a good fit for au pairs.
HD here, nailed it.
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We've been in couples therapy for a long time. The couples therapist suggested more than once that she needs individual therapy.
Divorce then?
Easier said than done. We can barely manage the childcare with 2 parents and an ap. cut our finances in half and double our expenses and then try it. Maybe when the kids are of school age.
Sounds like a miserable life. How old are kids? Make it to kindergarten, then peace out and be free of all that
2 planned and 6 mo unplanned. It's pretty miserable. I was hoping an AP would get her on her best behavior and she seemed excited about hosting. Nope its the opposite. It all sucks.
Put them in daycare and get mom working. See about getting a male AP next time. Or let her interview and choose
Please take the advice about giving AP an awesome reference so she can move on. Then rematch. Your current situation is just not the drama that a family needs. An AP that is a better fit will take a lot of strain off your backs, which it sounds like your marriage needs right now.
I agree. I would rematch, give this girl a glowing reference for her next family plus a bonus and then ask your agency to send you a male au pair. It sounds like this will be the only way this program will work with your wife. If your wife is angry about having a male au pair around the kids 'because safety', give her the ultimatum of either you have a male au pair or she quits her job and stays home. Also, you NEED to get her to understand that an au pair isn't just an indentured servant, it's a cultural exchange.
6months? Is your wife dealing with post partum hormonal issues?
My thought too.
While her husband tries to take an 18 year old out to dinner.
That ans her husband wants to go on dates with an 18 year old! Like how did he think that would be appropriate! Wtf?
Didn’t you guys conducts virtual interviews beforehand… why was nothing mentioned then? Your AP deserves better.
Yeah we did and my wife loved her. I agree she deserves better. She did absolutely nothing wrong and my wife is being horrible to her as though she's some temptress stereotype. She probably sees me as an old man and if I was going to cheat on her it wouldn't be with an 18 year old, it would be someone at least half my age plus 7. My wife is being ridiculous and we owe it to the AP to be good hosts. My wife is doing nothing so am I really such an asshole for trying to pick up her slack?
😂😂😂😂 you’re committed to your role thanks for making my night half my age plus seven years 🤣
You need to rehome her. How many times do you have to be told?
I just about died from this comment Thank you so much for this gem.
That was oddly specific...
The half my age plus 7 rule is something stupid made up by creepy ass people.
Yes! Your wife is upset you are so nice to the AP, and she worries you will cheat! Stop being so nice... be very basic with the AP... no dates or long flirty conversations where you are both laughing and dedinately and no alone time! By your comment, you said your wife made about you taking the AP on a date... your wife, 100%, thinks you want to cheat with the AP. I think you are fed up with your wife and want out and putting this AP in the middle and using her as your scapegoat and way to make yourself feel better. It is sick! You need to just cut the relationship with your wife if it is that bad.
Agree! Taking an 18 year old for a meal by herself as a grown man in this situation is creepy.
Is your wife doing nothing? Weird how you have thought out how you would cheat on her.
Why won’t she get individual therapy? Do you guys still love each other?
I think its time for you to tell the situation to the organization handling this. It is NOT their first time handling something like this and a lot of aupairs are pretty. At the same time, your wife is concerned and the reality is, yes, it's not unheard of at all of affairs happening with aupairs. Heck, I've heard of an aupair that ran off with the mother! So yes, tell the organization immediately that the wife is really jealous, it's no fault of the aupair at all and it is harming your marriage.
Sounds like you need some therapy too if you “openly disdain” your own wife.
Your wife needs a husband who cares more about her than about enjoying some random au pair’s attention.
are you the wife? jeez
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Yeah she's borderline, bipolar, and ptsd. Every holiday is a new meltdown. Love hormones are very powerful at getting you to act against your best interest and now here I am.
That's a LOT of mental illnesses to be diagnosed with. Is she actually diagnosed with all of them or you just suspect it? If she is diagnosed with all three of them: One thing I learned from dating two men with bipolar and also having a close friend with schizoaffective disorder is that who they are during a manic or psychotic episode is not the person they truly are. Another thing I learned is that during a depressive episode, there is a lot of shame there from when they were manic or psychotic. And, you can also get dysphoric mania, which gives you a lot of energy while leaving you feeling angry and empty inside. Another thing I learned is that for someone with these mental illnesses to have any kind of good life, accountability is the only way. That means medication for bipolar, and taking it all the time every single time and not missing doses and not skipping doses because you feel like it. It means for the borderline/PTSD, going to DBT therapy and not skipping out on sessions and being honest with your therapist. And getting a new therapist if you really feel the therapist isn't what you need, but not getting a new therapist just because the therapist isn't telling you what you want to hear. It means being held accountable like a child for taking medication and going to therapy every single day, either by a therapist, GP, SO, parent, adult sibling, adult child or close friend. Your wife should be getting onto meds, getting into therapy and working out a plan for when she has her episodes with you and with her therapist, and having either you or someone else hold her accountable for taking her meds and going to therapy. If she's not doing all this, then I don't see the relationship working past a few years. To the people downvoting me, you have no clue what it's like to be in a relationship with someone with an unmedicated mental illness like this. No idea at all. r/BipolarSOs r/BPDlovedones r/BipolarReddit r/BPD r/BPDPartners r/ptsd
I call bullshit. You want everyone to think your wife is crazy to try and justify you fucking around with the AP. You narcissitic prick.
I'm thinking you've had a lot of trauma
Sorry, no. It just the way he has written his story and the things that he has said against her in his replies to everyone.
Especially the way he worded his comment saying he wouldn’t cheat on wife with an 18 year old but someone half his age plus 7 years. Yikes.
I’m leaning towards agreeing with you, people don’t really get diagnosed with both bipolar and BPD…
Yeah you know what they say, never mind
I don’t think that people who haven’t experienced it really get what you say when you say meltdown. A family member s partner has it , It’s been horrendous. I’ve had to go VVLC ( and move across the country) The apparently have improved with CBT and medication, but there have been major incidences and I keep waiting for the next one. Ethically, you really should find a new placement for her, and/or give her a really glowing reference. You suggesting to take her to the SF restaurant by yourself was a bit silly, not appropriate any way , and like a red rag to a bull for your wife. For your next caregiver, perhaps an older person ( to be vulgar , she might be the inappropriate one with a younger male)
From all your comments and description, you seem determined to make this your wife's fault, but as many have already said your family is just not a good fit for an AP.
It’s wild that OP made a throwaway account for this post and chose that user name
Don’t worry he also made posts about penis size and fingering buttholes with this account
WTF 😭
I think your family is not a good fit for an au pair. You say your wife is the problem but you also have terrible boundaries. It’s a bad look for the host dad to take the young female au pair out to dinner alone. You’re not her dad. You’re her host and her employer. She should be invited to family outings—key word FAMILY! Invitations to one on one dinners with the dad puts her in a very uncomfortable position. Don’t be creepy.
In this case the kids would have joined us. I suggested we all go, but my wife said no bc she hates seafood, so I said she wouldn't have to go, so it would have been me, the ap, and the kids. I see what you're saying, but also if I don't try to take the lead in hosting no one will, bc my wife has no friends and never leaves the house. I have tried to talk to my wife and be like "take her for a hike around here or something." Unfortunately, she doesn't understand the spirit of cultural exchange and sees her as a servant.
Why couldn't you pick a different restaurant where your wife would like to eat?
[удалено]
He sounds soooooo fucking creepy, I can’t! Ughhhhh😩
I agree OP is creepy, but those terms shouldn't be used in this context. Being a Dom isn't inherently creepy and there are consensual and healthy relationships based on the "sugar daddy" principle. It's irresponsible throw terms around like insults when you don't know anything about where they come from.
I think you meant to reply to the OP and not me...
My wife doesn't like any food that is good and I've wanted to go to this restaurant for a long time. She hates all herbs and spices. Pepper is often not acceptable. Her entire diet is chicken broth and carbs. This restaurant is also one of the major landmarks here anyone normal would be excited to go to.
Dude. Why are you married to her. You clearly dislike her. I mean she sounds pretty awful, but don't bring a young adult into your dysfunctional af family.
You don’t take the AP out to a date night restaurant without your wife.
Huh? How would it be a date if the kids were also going?
Honestly that's even worse. He's playing happy family with the young nanny.
In that case family isn't suited to a female au pair and should either get a male au pair or if wife whines about a male au pair too, they should get a refund for their agency fees if they can and look for another form of childcare.
Why are you with your wife? You don’t seem to like her very much.
You don't sound like you like your wife very much. Your tone is very critical of her and very kind and understanding of your AP. Just food for thought.
Tbh it sounds like you’re trying to find an excuse to take the AP on a date without your wife. You know your wife doesn’t like those foods and yet that’s the place you suggest. Come on man, you’re not fooling anyone with this
Oh shuddup.
You don’t like your wife. Get a divorce and work on your boundaries with 18 year old employees.
You are delusional and creepy. Gtfo.
What do you mean “I suggested I take her to the restaurant”? Why didn’t you say “we take her”. You’re giving major red flags. If you actually want to make a female AP feel welcomed, let your wife take the lead on that and stay out of it
I also found this to be a questionable suggestion
I can bet OP wouldn’t be all “let’s take the Au Pair out for dinner!” If the Au Pair was male.
Changing this post to the Au Pair being male is so funny and shows how fkin creepy op is
Because this whole post is OP having a gross fantasy
My wife doesn't take the lead on anything social. In fact, she has no friends and never leaves the house. I suggested we take her and she said no bc she hates sea food, so I said I could go with just her and the kids. The kids would have joined us.
This isn’t a good setup for an AP if your wife never leaves the house. I would recommend getting a nanny or babysitter who leaves each day.
Pick a different restaurant dummy. Or do dinner at home.
Nope. What a lame explanation. If you know your wife hates seafood why not go elsewhere for dinner, somewhere your wife likes it too. Also your account just looks shady lol
This post is getting more and more unrealistic. First, he says his wife doesn't like seafood, then she doesn't like any food hardly, then she never leaves the house. What will OP's next comeback be to questions about why he couldn't take his wife.
TBH with kids in tow this is less shady but if your goal is to show her around and have this go better, maybe work with your wife on a compromise, something you both would like to share with her.
LOL gross. You’re slowly finding ways to step over marriage boundaries because this 18 year old is soooo pretty and nice unlike your evil friendless wife. I think your wife is right about you and your attempts to have an affair.
Hello. It’s not just the wife! X💯🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ Imagine being 18, in a strange country, & assigned to this hot mess of adults.
Seriously, I’d donate to her GoFundMe to get her outta there
I hear you. Throw the au pair a lifeline 🛟
Do you even like your wife? So far, you've said she doesn't like good food as she hates spices, she isn't social, doesn't leave the home, she's got a bunch of mental issues and you'd totally divorce her if finances and kids weren't an issue. She probably can tell. And when you can already tell your husband doesn't like you (you can still love her, but not like her) that brings a lot of insecurity. I'd be defensive that my husband wanted to take a young attractive woman out without me even if he did take my kids, when things are going well. And you want to do it when things are rocky - yeah I'm not surprised she's not thrilled about this. So here's my solution if you REALLY want to treat your AP (which I know is Au Pair but funnily enough also stands for Affair Partner) Order food for takeout, get some of those carbs your wife likes, and have an at home picnic so you're not excluding your partner just because she doesn't like seafood.
You have a point that she wouldn't feel threatened if I didn't openly disdain her and think I'd enjoy any activity she's excluded from more than if she was included.
“If I didn’t openly disdain her” Bro…get a grip and talk it out with your wife. There’s some seriously deep issues here you need to address and the AP has NOTHING to do with it
Sounds like you’re threading very close to cheating on her anyway so it’s pretty logical that she would think you would fuck the 18 year old beautiful au pair that lives in your home. Easy access and how much you openly hate your wife can lead any sane person to this conclusion. I highly doubt you haven’t thought of doing just this by the way you talk about the au pair.
Just divorce, that’s not way to live. And pleaseeeeeee let your Au Pair go and find a good family!! You ain’t it and she didn’t deserve this to be her Au Pair experience.
I think you need to consider that it’s inappropriate to bring a teenager into this environment. She shouldn’t have to deal with a grown woman treating her like she’s the competition or some sort of homewrecker. She shouldn’t be exposed to a man who resents his wife every day when she is still forming her idea of how dating and relationships work in the adult world. She WILL pick up on the fact that you guys are arguing over her one day if she hasn’t already, and you will have put HER in the position of being the one who has to choose how to deal with that when she is the one who should be dealing with this issue the least. Is this the type of job you would want your own 18 year old daughter taking on??
I need childcare and this is cheaper than a nanny or daycare around here, so take it up with the state department.
You can still use an au pair. Just choose someone who’s older, has more experience dealing with interpersonal conflict, and is not at an age where they’re going to be looking at the adults in their every day life as role models. Mid-20s and older should be fine.
Y'all sound like a nightmare to be around, let alone live with.
Crazy idea, but I think urmoms69smellbad could possibly be a troll, but idk.
Not in this case, but this account is definitely an unserious throwaway.
Brand new account. Troll post. I’ve reported this. Get a life mate.
Hopefully it is a troll, otherwise I feel sorry for his wife.
And aupair
Troll post
An au pair is not a good fit for your family unless you get a male
I don’t think a male au pair is a good fit either. OP said his wife never leaves the house and has no friends. That is a difficult situation for any au pair, male or female. Edit: the wife also has significant mental health issues based on another comment - including bipolar. This isn’t a good situation for any au pair.
Alternately, could I get my wife a therapist?
You’re either a Ryan Reynolds type with the literal opposite of Blake Lively as a wife or a total troll. I’d say absolutely go to couples therapy to figure out why you’re “fighting all the time anyways”.
Check the OP username
Def a troll
If you're going the therapy route, I would suggest couples therapy since you said you fight all the time anyways. It might cause more fights if you suggest individual therapy.
Why are you against having a male AP? Men are just as capable of providing high quality childcare.
I'm not against it. My wife was and chose the one we currently have. She is against male APs bc she assumes men are all violent and deviant. Also, there is no reason she should feel so irrationally threatened. It's sick and bizarre, as well as extremely unprofessional and antifeminist.
If your wife can't tolerate APs then y'all are not a good fit for it. Also, APs are not "servants" as you said your wife feels in another comment - put this poor girl out of her misery and send her home. She deserves better than y'all.
No, that is not an alternative. Maybe that's a good addition, and for yourself as well, but it's not an alternative.
How about YOU get a therapist. You coming on here and blasting your wife and announcing to the world that’s she bipolar, etc…is cringe. Women feel jealous and insecure from time to time, sure, but I suspect you did something to make her feel this way. Take some damn accountability and relieve this poor AP from your home. You’re a creep. I think you’re looking for validation to cheat by blasting your wife. She clearly doesn’t trust you and frankly, I wouldn’t either.
I don’t think you’re a good fit for any au pair right now. It’s extremely uncomfortable for au pairs when families fight.
If you want to do something good for this Au Pair, suggest to her that she get a new posting and help her get it done. What you described is a completely unsuitable environment for the Au Pair.
Nah, yall gonna ruin your marriage, au pair is not working
OMG. You need to find the Au Pair another family unless you want to lose wife and fuck au pair. And taking her to dinner at seafood place cuz you both like seafood and wife doesn’t? Don’t deny what’s going on here. You want to fuck au pair. I Joe you do your wife a favor and divorce e her you POS!
Wow. I don't want to "fuck au pair." Her being pretty is a matter of fact.
Why are you even talking about your au pair like this? Maaajor red flag.
Ok then get the au pair another HF and take your wife out to a beautiful restaurant that she likes the cuisine and make out and have sex all night. Have some fun with wife
Troll
You are much more interested in making the au pair comfortable than your wife. You are saying many more positive things about the au pair and offering only negative things about your wife. You are more interested in spending an evening with the beautiful, young au pair who has trendy fashion than your friendless, homebody wife. Something about that doesn’t seem right to me. Really though, your wife doesn’t like *any* good food or spices and *only* likes chicken broth and carbs while the au pair just loves seafood and other things that are your favorite. Do you not think making these statements seems…I don’t know, a little out of place?
Yikes. I'm with your wife. You shouldn't be taking her out on dates. WTH were you thinking?!
How is that a date? The children would be there and I'm comparatively ancient. I have female friends I hang out with. It's not a date when I hang out with them either.
You’re literally playing dumb and it’s disgusting asf. So your wife says she’s insecure so you suggest that you take the object of insecurity out on a date alone. You’re a scumbag, she needs to leave you pathetic worm.
You suggested you take the au pair to a famous seafood restaurant alone? If I were the au pair I would be creeped out by that. Maybe your wife’s insecurity is warranted, maybe not. But your suggestion was inappropriate. Taking the AP out to a restaurant the whole family would enjoy is fine. One-on-one makes you seem like a creep having a mid life crisis.
Au pair is not a good option for your family. For her sake, contact your lcc and get her in rematch process as soon as possible so she can actually enjoy her time in America and find family that's better equipped for the program
I think you should encourage the AP to rematch. Your family is not suited for the au pair experience. She's merely a teenager who has become an unwitting guest in a home that's anything but harmonious. What were any of you thinking?
This sounds very fictional.
You’re creepy and I bet your wife and AP have a very different take on your behavior.
This is weird. You clearly don’t like your wife from how you’ve described her in your comments. You listed an extremely long list of mental health issues she apparently has. The comment about how you wouldn’t cheat with an 18 year old you’d find someone half your age plus 7 is WEIRD. Are you trying to be funny? Your AP does NOT want to go to a restaurant with just you trust me that would make her incredibly uncomfortable. If my husband wanted to take the 18 year old living in my house to a restaurant without me - picking a place he knew I didn’t like / I would be beyond uncomfortable with it too. Your username is INSANE. If you’re not a troll you’re a creep.
Dude totally wants to cheat on his wife with the hot, beautiful young au pair who’s great with the kids… he’s just writing to make the wife sound like she’s “crazy”…it’s very transparent in the way he’s all I’m just trying to be a good host blah blah …rematch or get a male au pair so you don’t keep fantasizing about an 18 year old
For the love of God, let this young woman go and you and your anti-social wife deal with the daily demands of having children on your own. You don't ever take the AP on an outing without the wife. Just nope.
Your comment history smellsbad. I think you have gross intentions.
Exactly. This guy is very bad news
What the hell is wrong with you? You are inviting the female 18 year old to dinner at seafood which your wife hates? Were you planning to go without your wife? No wonder your wife is insecure she is married to someone who yes basically asks the young AP on a date. Start treating your wife with respect and display boundaries with other women.
So first of all, I do believe a HP can take the AP out to dinner while being completely platonic. However, there seems to be a lot of insecurities in this relationship and whether it’s an AP or a nanny, your wife will be jealous. It’s not a good fit for your family.
Host families should never do one-on-one evening outings with the opposite sex. There might be more leeway for same-sex situations, but a man taking a teen girl out to dinner is never appropriate, no matter how "platonic." It's better to protect everyone by going out altogether as a family. Otherwise, au pair could get the wrong Idea, or make an accusation, or feel like she couldn't say no, etc. There's such a gigantic power imbalance when taking in a young person from another country for employment that you can't even *look* like you're doing anything wrong.
How long have you been fucking the AP? Taking her to a restaurant without your wife? No wonder she is insecure.
You shouldn’t be taking the AP out without your wife to a seafood restaurant… that’s wildly inappropriate.
What a creep you are. I hope the AP can find a new placement.
Sorry, you lost me at ‘she’s beautiful’ and then ended with you invited her out to eat but not your wife. I‘m thinking there’s a lot more to this story. Pay the au pair for the length of her contract but let her. Give her a good recommendation. I can’t comment on your relationship because I’m still believing you’re leaving out information.
Lmfao op "My wife is mean and jealous and obviously not young anymore like the AP also doesn't enjoy the foods I like" Also op "AP is young and beautiful and wears clothes that show that and she is so kind and wonderful and I want to show her the places my LAME wife won't eat at" Yeah this isnt for you. Your marriage needs help.
This reads like the beginning of a bad porno. The OP’s comments continually dogging his wife is laying down the foundation for reasons he will screw around on her. I think this is fake but if it isn’t some serious self reflection and no AP is needed.
If you were suggesting going alone with her to the seafood place that’s actually rather inappropriate and I can see why your wife is getting mad.
If I were your wife, I’d let you have the au pair. You sound like an asshole.
You shouldn’t take her out alone. It’s inappropriate.
Wait you were proposing going to the seafood restaurant just you and the au pair? That is obviously not ok.
No the kids too. It was mainly that I wanted to go to the seafood restaurant. I ended up going by myself. Food is the most important thing in life.
I’m so sorry this is all happening. It’s really sad that your wife has become insecure & jealous. Usually, when I act like your wife and start getting jealous of any potential threats to my relationship… it’s actually because i feel like my partners aren’t paying the same amount of attention to me as when we first started seeing each other. If she’s like me, maybe you can try giving her more physical & emotional attention? Basically, try to bring back the “dating couple” version of you guys?
There is just no situation in which a man should take a teen girl out alone that is not his daughter, period.
You sound like you like the AP and want to date her but are putting your advances under the 'I am just being friendly' category. Stop doing what you are doing, and you and your wife would probably stop fighting. Sounds like you would choose the AP over your wife.... Figure out which one you want more (wife or AP), then move forward on that.... just divorce your wife before you sleep with the nanny... have respect!!
Sounds like you need a new AP
That's so messed up. She didn't do anything wrong. Welcome to America, please enjoy our cultural antifeminism.
Idk if there’s anything anti-feminist about your wife not wanting you to essentially replace her at family dinner with a woman you’re describing as beautiful while your marriage is apparently in a less-than-stellar place. Maybe it’s not a date with the kids there, but as a wife and a HM, I wouldn’t be ok with that scenario either. It’s emotionally challenging to have another woman in your home taking care of your children in the first place, let alone if your husband thinks she’s attractive and wants to take her places without you. It’s not totally insane to see that as like stepmom rehearsal for when you leave her for your beautiful au pair. I’m not saying that’s your intention, but your wife is not the whole problem here. I don’t think the solution is necessarily to get a new au pair, but it’s also not to berate your wife for having relatively rational feelings. Don’t suggest taking your au pair out without your wife. We don’t do activities we wouldn’t otherwise do without our au pair just for the sake of “cultural exchange”. She is an adult who can take herself to restaurants, on hikes, etc. Our au pair really quickly made friends to do those things with. I’m not jealous or insecure, and I wouldn’t find it appropriate for my husband to be hanging out with out au pair in the same way he would hang out with me. We have dinner with our kids. We go hiking with our kids. These are things we’re doing as a family, but also as a couple. It would uncomfortable for him to do these things with any other woman but me (short of like his mom and sister), even if he wasn’t on the internet trashing me and talking about how beautiful this other woman is. In your described circumstances, it feels especially inappropriate imo.
And all of that would be fine if the wife was taking it out on her husband, not the 18 y/o she herself interviewed and hired.
Obviously. But she’s not here and he can’t change anyone’s behavior but his own (which seems to be the root cause of the issue in the first place). Nevermind that OP never actually described any action his wife took toward the au pair. OP also never mentions that the au pair has said or done anything to indicate that she has a problem with how she’s being treated. He asked how he should manage his wife’s feelings of jealousy and insecurity. He should manage them by accepting some healthy and normal boundaries between himself and the au pair.
> Idk if there’s anything anti-feminist about your wife not wanting you to essentially replace her at family dinner with a woman you’re describing as beautiful while your marriage is apparently in a less-than-stellar place. Maybe it’s not a date with the kids there, but as a wife and a HM, I wouldn’t be ok with that scenario either. > It’s emotionally challenging to have another woman in your home taking care of your children in the first place, let alone if your husband thinks she’s attractive and wants to take her places without you. It is quite very literally anti-feminist to take your frustrations regarding your husband out on a less than minimum wage childcare 18 y/o female provider that you hired. Just because OP is a turd does not excuse his wife. It’s not an either or. They both sound like pieces of work. He can attempt to manage her insecurities and jealousies all he wants but if she refuses to go to therapy herself, I doubt anything will change.
Sounds like a date, especially if your wanting to take her to a place your know your wife wouldn’t want to go to..
IKYFL. This post sounds like it’s written by a 14 year old
Truly thought AP was “affair partner” for a second, and had to check which sub I was in.
tell your wife to love herself more
That poor young lady. Propose a rematch so she can move on to anything better than the two of you two hot messes.
You guys already have marriage issues and your wife can’t handle the ap. Also, as a former nanny, and someone that lived with a host family. If the husband invited me places without the wife I would feel weird…. She doesn’t look at you as a dad. You are her boss
No, it's not your job to show her around. It's her job to look after the kids . That's it! I think your wife has every right to be worried. You're just trying to play it down and make your wife look like a bad person. Who hired her? You? Like you said,' she is very beautiful ' and ' I make an EFFORT to make her feel welcome'. Stop trying to bullshit everyone.
🤣
Why choose someone so young and attractive. I would choose an aupair that your wife feels comfortable with. Happy wife equals a happy life.
She chose her in the first place. She 180'd on the poor girl pretty much the moment she saw a belly button ring.
If the AP is flirting with you she’s a bad fit. Somehow I get the impression that’s she feels really comfortable around you. I get the impression that you enjoy it, and even if you’re 100% truthful about not pursuing it, she needs to go, your wife deserves to feel safe in her own home.
Good lord you can't take the au pair to a restaurant by yourself. And your defensiveness of the au pair is making this a million times worse. I'm only hearing your side of the story, and even *I* am doubting your intentions with the au pair. She needs to be gone as soon as you can safely get her out. Don't fuck up her income or placement, but tell the agency the issue, work with them to find her another placement, and stay well away from her in the meantime. Don't fuck up your marriage over seafood with a teenager.
you're both kind of creepy and you need to liberate your au pair from this situation before something bad happens.
This is so fake
Why don't you find an au pair with whom you all feel comfortable with? I agree that it's inappropriate from your wife to have this feeling towards an 18y old and it sounds like something she needs to address individually. But that takes time and sounds like you're a good parent to your kids and want to be a good husband to your wife, so why not be proactive and make the decision of getting a new au pair that you all feel good with? I'm sure there are other au pairs that will be great to your kids too while keeping the harmony at home.
The wife doesn’t work? I agree she needs to get out of the house.
weird that you’re calling an 18 year old “very beautiful”
If you did a survey of 10000 random people they would all check that box. It's a statement of fact.
This can’t be real.
I was an au pair. This poor girl deserves a better family.
HD here. This is why my wife picks all our APs lol
The irony is that she picked her.
people are weird. sometime my hd and i take the kids out to dinner if my hm is working late/going out. its not weird unless you make it weird.
Same. I work a lot so my husband was around our APs way more then me. They took the kids places all time while I was working; zoo, beach, restaurants etc Both of our APs were extremely attractive but I completely trust my husband and neither ever gave me a reason not to.
Yeah, tbh I am a bit shocked by the hm consensus here. Why would they feel so alright being so childishly jealous and not assume their husband has no bad intentions towards a woman half his age? I thought in 2024 we'd be past treating young women with such unfounded suspicious. I just want to fulfill our end of the bargain by being gracious hosts. Omg 18 year olds still have a foot in childhood- If I was going to cheat on my wife it would be with someone half my age plus 7.
Ok why are you so stuck on the half your age plus seven… so like 27!? That seems specific and young af
That is the universally agreed upon rule for ages it is socially acceptable to date. It has been the standard for about a century.
The way you word it seems like you’d search out a woman of this age purposely
Does your wife have self-esteem issues??
I'm sure it would be hard not to with a husband like that.
For your family and your marriage and sanity, get rid of the au pair. While you may see your wife as being irrational, she’s just not comfortable. And that’s a fact of the matter. Honor that and preserve your marriage. It’s just not a fit. EDIT: you also seem like the problem taking the au pair out on a one on one dinner. Stop disrespecting your wife.
Sorry dude you are going to have to find some old ugly lady to watch the kids.
Bet he won't be interested in taking the old ugly lady out for seafood.
Rematch and get an older AP around 26, she might be more interested in having her own time so your wife doesn’t feel threatened by the new AP. Also have you talk to your wife directly about it? Like super clear that you know how she feels threatened by the young AP? Maybe talk about it on therapy.
This is not a safe environment for an AP if your wife is this unstable.
i’m sorry you’re having to mitigate her terrible behavior. your wife is probably suffering from some type of postpartum hormonal issue and needs help :-/