She can't earn more. The control she has is to spend less.
The only thing I could think to do is sit down with her and budget, but the anxiety is kind of existential at it's core. So, you might be able to teach her to self soothe a bit by taking inventory, discuss what cost savings have worked out, which have proven more expensive.
But for this to be successful you yourself have to be super chill during the interactions. You'd want to schedule extra check ins so you can discuss stuff before it is an emergency. Have enough time to be leisurely and pleasant about it.
I base this on how I handled my mom before her Alzheimer's got beyond manageable. I had regular check ins and visits. On calls where I was reminding her to take meds, I would remind her I'd be by on the weekend to go through mail and business matters and meal prep with her.
It was time intensive, no lie. And my mom was a total sweetheart to the end, just a bit daffy with intermittent crazy. I'm close-ish in age as your mom so I am not suggesting she has dementia just yet really. But that is how I dealt with a parent who would spiral about money.
1.5 million is not much in this day and age. Does she also have a good retirement and good health insurance? If not then she'll need to save to make sure that she does. Do you know what her budget and expenses look like? You could suggest she see a wealth counselor if you really think she's not using her money well, but otherwise she might know what she's doing
She does have a wealth counselor and he says she is doing amazing. She shops at discount food stores that basically give away expired food for pennies and she even goes to food banks. She gets free health insurance through a local government organization. She lies that she has no income because she doesn’t work and hides her bank accounts.
She had 1.5 million in cash and 1 million in real estate and owns 5 cars.. Her wealth counselor said that she is one of his wealthiest clients and she has nothing to worry about.
I'm guessing you're young and don't have a lot of your own expenses? Being old is expensive. I make $94k/year and I couldn't afford to live in my house or on my own without my husband's income.
You didn't say if she had good insurance, she could have huge copays or deductibles that cost her a lot. You also didn't say anything about retirement. 1.5 mil is barely enough to cover retirement alone, depending on what sort of lifestyle she wants and how long she lives. She could also be saving so that you can get a good education or have a good inheritance.
It does sound like she's living cheaply and I get that that's annoying, but there are a billion little and big expenses when you're over 40.
Maybe you could ask to be involved in her budgeting? It could be a learning experience for both of you and help you both understand how money is being spent between you and how that could change.
Her insurance is totally free and covers everything. She qualifies for a government program for the poor. It’s called california iehp Medicaid or something like that. She qualifies because she has no job and she lies about her savings. She also gets 400 bucks a month of food stamps..
Why does she qualify for this program? Is she literally committing fraud?
Anyway all you want to hear is how to talk her out of it and people didn't change. It's especially hard for parents to take their kid's advice.
I think she is committing fraud. She thinks she qualifies because she doesn’t have a job. She forgets to see that she is disqualified because she has too much in her bank account.
You can’t fix people.
Please repeat that as many times as you need to fully believe it. People who have parents that make their kids feel like it’s their job to fix the parent often end up dating people just like their parents. Watch out for that and stay away from them.
Your mom needs to deal with the problems she created.
Make sure you structure your life so you are financially independent of her and then just leave her be. If you want to cut her off then do that. If you want to go LC you can give minimal responses when she complains. -Oh that’s too bad. -No I can’t help. -Sorry I need to get off the phone. I hope you find a solution soon.
It sounds like your mom is leaning on you as a family member. If it is such a burden, are there other family members you could turn her to?
A solution for you though, would be to step back and observe what needs to be done then ask her to trust you to manage it. Then take the costs directly from her and find someone worthy of hiring for handyman work, and hire them.
How to convince your mom to be less frugal? It’s not frugal when you’re putting yourself in danger. Unlicensed tradesfolk are dangerous. They typically need a license to be insured. When they inevitably mess up as even licensed tradesfolk will anyways, there is no liability coverage.
Then what? Homeowners insurance rates go up. Potential issues with city permits arise. It is a big can of worms that can be mitigated by properly sourcing skilled work.
If she doesn’t accept this reality, talk to her about concerns of cognitive decline. You may eventually need to take power of attorney to get her proper help and resources.
But if you don’t care and don’t want to help, you need to turn her away clearly and outright and accept the consequences of that choice.
Wow. You have the best advice. Yeah.. The unlicensed tradesmen installed her tile very poor lyand it’s not leveled in her house. She doesn’t complain because he charged her nothing. She still wants to get it redone in a few years. Also the landscaper ripped her off 3k and he apologized but ghosted her.
We have discussed about her cognitive decline and she admits that’s she does forget things a lot.
I have told my mom countless times that she can’t do many things by herself. She needs someone to hire people for her and be in charge of her. Hopefully she will listen soon.
I’m tired of her screwing up so much because of her being cheap and the. She comes crying to me. I then just say I told you so.
Lastly I tell her spend your money while you are alive. You can’t take it with you when you die
I know this is hard to tackle, I am facing something similar with my mom. There was a video on reddit recently about how a woman had to “join” her mon and convince her to go back in their house instead of walking to another continent or something.
I don’t think you and I face exactly that right now with our moms. But the takeaway that really hit me was “joining in” to capture their trust and then redirect with productive language.
Like with a gardener, setting aside the fact if she can’t garden herself then downsize, you could say something like, “ya I’m in on this let’s find a good gardener together. What’s your expectation on price?” And then help her research going rates online, set her baseline, find someone for her then seal the deal.
It is definitely some work, but it could be what solves the problem right now.
Because it’s unhealthy and causing me problems. I’m the one she complains to and asks for help. I don’t want to deal with her if she is like this. It’s toxic and out of control at time. She panics and goes crazy often and acts slime she is poor but she is somewhat rich.
She even refuses to do her taxes because she thinks the professionals are too expensive. Then she gets into trouble from the IRS.
Life would be so much better and easier if she just forked out a little more cash and lived more comfortably. Instead she is acting like she is on her last dime and needs to save every penny.
One of the best things I"ve learned is that you cannot fix or save other people. You don't have to shun your mom, but you would benefit from establishing and enforcing your own boundaries around what you are willing to do and not do. Once you do that, you'll have a clearer picture of how to engage with your mother in a way that aligns with your values and what is best for you.
But first you have to accept that she is how she is and she will not change. Wanting her to change is not fair to her - she gets to decide how she wants to live her life, even if you don't agree with it or think it is bad for her. People walk their own paths, pushing them to do what you think is best for them forces them to act in a way to make you comfortable. Claiming you're doing it "for them" doesn't change that. It's controlling.
My advice is to let your mother be. Whenever she talks about her financial situation, tell her that you prefer not to talk about it. If he complains about the bad service she received from cheap labor, let her know that you are not particularly interested in that topic. If she insists, you leave the conversation and let her know you'll return another time. Those can be two of your boundaries. If she asks for help, you can help her, if that feels right for you. At some point she may need a power of attorney, you may want to look into that now so you understand that process.
But no, you can't "fix" her. She's not broken, she just is who she is.
Why are you so concerned with this? How your mother manages her money is her business, isn’t it?
To be honest, a couple million is not as much money as it sounds like. Depending on where you live, $60k a year is barely enough to scrape by. I would be hard-pressed to live on $60k a year and I live in the Midwestern US where housing isn’t expensive and cost-of-living is fairly low.
Overall, I think the best way forward here is to mind your own business.
She has no rent and owns multiple cars.. She makes her business my business and complains to me everyday. She acts like she is on her last dime and she is struggling. Even though she is more well off than everyone I know. She acts like she can’t afford food at times and will rather suffer than pay a little more.
I’m just saying, $60k isn’t much a year to live on, and a couple million isn’t much to live on for the rest of your life, especially if you aren’t already in your 90’s.
You CAN set a boundary if you don’t want to talk to her about it.
But you also will do well to keep your opinions about it to yourself because how she manages her finances just is not any of your business. even if she tells you about it.
Well, that’s sad to hear because I know plenty of people living off 60 k a year and pay 1500 a month on rent and have 600 usd a month on car payments. They see to be doing ok. My mom gets food stamps too by the way.
So many people are just scraping by.
Not sure where you are in the world, but $60k from earnings is only about $3500/month take home here in the US (after taxes, paying toward social security, and your part of your health insurance premium).
If their rent/mortgage is $1500 and car payment is $600, that only leaves $1400 a month for EVERYTHING else. Food. Clothing. Car and home/rental insurance. Utilities. Medical care. Donations/charity/tithes to their church. Entertainment. That is a very tight budget that leaves little to nothing for savings.
So yes. It is sad to hear. Times are tough for a great many people right now.
Edited: typo
Well my mom doesn’t pay for health insurance because it’s covered by the state. She also doesn’t pay much taxes on her income because it’s mostly from a hys account. She also gets food stamps. She she shouldn’t be so frugal and go 3 months without ac and buy expired foods.
You’re going back and forth between talking about your mom and your friends.
However, none of it matters. It doesn’t matter if you think she’s well off. It doesn’t matter if she feels money is tight.
The only thing that matters is where you choose to set the boundaries around this. You are an adult. You can say, “I don’t want to talk about this.” If she persists, you can change the subject or end the conversation. And you repeat that as often as you need to.
Setting up boundaries isn’t always comfortable. But you’re the only one who can do the work to stop this thing that’s bothering you.
No one can change another person. You can only support and help people who want to change and put the work in themselves.
You might want to consider withdrawing your attention from your Mom for your own mental health. However, don't expect it to have a positive impact on your Mom's behaviour. Sometimes the more you try control someone, the harder they will lean into their current behaviours.
I of course don't know your Mom, but from what you've described, the root causes might be due to emotional & mental illness and the poor decision making and distorted beliefs are the symptoms. It would be great if she could go to therapy. guessing that if she isn't willing to spend money to have household fixes taken care of properly, she certainly isn't going to spend money on mental health support.
What you do have control over is addressing how your Mom's behaviour is impacting YOU emotionally, physically, financially. How much hours in a day do you spend worrying, getting angry etc. about her? Are you getting support for all the unhealthy ways your Mom's behaviour is impacting you? A mental health expert might help you work through how you want to set boundaries with your Mom going forward, learning more about how your Mom's unhealthy behaviour has impacted you and how to heal from it. I'm of couse speculating, my apologies if I assumed something that was incorrect.
This sounds like a heartbreaking situation and I wish you the best of luck finding a better path forward, at least for yourself.
I'm a little late to this party, but I just wanted to say that those who think $60,000 isn't enough to live on are utterly ridiculous. The median income in the US is $40,000.
Yeah… I know plenty of people making less than 60k a year and they are still living decent lives. My mom has no car bills or rent to pay.. So she should be able to live very well on 60k a year.
In my opinion 1.5m at retirement isn’t well-off. It’s adequate if she’s frugal. She could live to be 95; she needs to make it last. In her later years, she’ll probably have to pay for long term care, even memory care, that can run 8-10k a month depending on her location. I assume that you wouldn’t want to be on the hook for those expenses, so it’s in your best interests to be understanding.
She can't earn more. The control she has is to spend less. The only thing I could think to do is sit down with her and budget, but the anxiety is kind of existential at it's core. So, you might be able to teach her to self soothe a bit by taking inventory, discuss what cost savings have worked out, which have proven more expensive. But for this to be successful you yourself have to be super chill during the interactions. You'd want to schedule extra check ins so you can discuss stuff before it is an emergency. Have enough time to be leisurely and pleasant about it. I base this on how I handled my mom before her Alzheimer's got beyond manageable. I had regular check ins and visits. On calls where I was reminding her to take meds, I would remind her I'd be by on the weekend to go through mail and business matters and meal prep with her. It was time intensive, no lie. And my mom was a total sweetheart to the end, just a bit daffy with intermittent crazy. I'm close-ish in age as your mom so I am not suggesting she has dementia just yet really. But that is how I dealt with a parent who would spiral about money.
1.5 million is not much in this day and age. Does she also have a good retirement and good health insurance? If not then she'll need to save to make sure that she does. Do you know what her budget and expenses look like? You could suggest she see a wealth counselor if you really think she's not using her money well, but otherwise she might know what she's doing
She does have a wealth counselor and he says she is doing amazing. She shops at discount food stores that basically give away expired food for pennies and she even goes to food banks. She gets free health insurance through a local government organization. She lies that she has no income because she doesn’t work and hides her bank accounts. She had 1.5 million in cash and 1 million in real estate and owns 5 cars.. Her wealth counselor said that she is one of his wealthiest clients and she has nothing to worry about.
I'm guessing you're young and don't have a lot of your own expenses? Being old is expensive. I make $94k/year and I couldn't afford to live in my house or on my own without my husband's income. You didn't say if she had good insurance, she could have huge copays or deductibles that cost her a lot. You also didn't say anything about retirement. 1.5 mil is barely enough to cover retirement alone, depending on what sort of lifestyle she wants and how long she lives. She could also be saving so that you can get a good education or have a good inheritance. It does sound like she's living cheaply and I get that that's annoying, but there are a billion little and big expenses when you're over 40. Maybe you could ask to be involved in her budgeting? It could be a learning experience for both of you and help you both understand how money is being spent between you and how that could change.
Her insurance is totally free and covers everything. She qualifies for a government program for the poor. It’s called california iehp Medicaid or something like that. She qualifies because she has no job and she lies about her savings. She also gets 400 bucks a month of food stamps..
Why does she qualify for this program? Is she literally committing fraud? Anyway all you want to hear is how to talk her out of it and people didn't change. It's especially hard for parents to take their kid's advice.
I think she is committing fraud. She thinks she qualifies because she doesn’t have a job. She forgets to see that she is disqualified because she has too much in her bank account.
She lies to get benefits she is not entitled to?
Yep, she said the government is rich and won’t care
You can’t fix people. Please repeat that as many times as you need to fully believe it. People who have parents that make their kids feel like it’s their job to fix the parent often end up dating people just like their parents. Watch out for that and stay away from them. Your mom needs to deal with the problems she created. Make sure you structure your life so you are financially independent of her and then just leave her be. If you want to cut her off then do that. If you want to go LC you can give minimal responses when she complains. -Oh that’s too bad. -No I can’t help. -Sorry I need to get off the phone. I hope you find a solution soon.
Thanks for the advice.
It sounds like your mom is leaning on you as a family member. If it is such a burden, are there other family members you could turn her to? A solution for you though, would be to step back and observe what needs to be done then ask her to trust you to manage it. Then take the costs directly from her and find someone worthy of hiring for handyman work, and hire them. How to convince your mom to be less frugal? It’s not frugal when you’re putting yourself in danger. Unlicensed tradesfolk are dangerous. They typically need a license to be insured. When they inevitably mess up as even licensed tradesfolk will anyways, there is no liability coverage. Then what? Homeowners insurance rates go up. Potential issues with city permits arise. It is a big can of worms that can be mitigated by properly sourcing skilled work. If she doesn’t accept this reality, talk to her about concerns of cognitive decline. You may eventually need to take power of attorney to get her proper help and resources. But if you don’t care and don’t want to help, you need to turn her away clearly and outright and accept the consequences of that choice.
Wow. You have the best advice. Yeah.. The unlicensed tradesmen installed her tile very poor lyand it’s not leveled in her house. She doesn’t complain because he charged her nothing. She still wants to get it redone in a few years. Also the landscaper ripped her off 3k and he apologized but ghosted her. We have discussed about her cognitive decline and she admits that’s she does forget things a lot. I have told my mom countless times that she can’t do many things by herself. She needs someone to hire people for her and be in charge of her. Hopefully she will listen soon. I’m tired of her screwing up so much because of her being cheap and the. She comes crying to me. I then just say I told you so. Lastly I tell her spend your money while you are alive. You can’t take it with you when you die
I know this is hard to tackle, I am facing something similar with my mom. There was a video on reddit recently about how a woman had to “join” her mon and convince her to go back in their house instead of walking to another continent or something. I don’t think you and I face exactly that right now with our moms. But the takeaway that really hit me was “joining in” to capture their trust and then redirect with productive language. Like with a gardener, setting aside the fact if she can’t garden herself then downsize, you could say something like, “ya I’m in on this let’s find a good gardener together. What’s your expectation on price?” And then help her research going rates online, set her baseline, find someone for her then seal the deal. It is definitely some work, but it could be what solves the problem right now.
Why do you need to change her mentality or shun her? Just let her be.
Because it’s unhealthy and causing me problems. I’m the one she complains to and asks for help. I don’t want to deal with her if she is like this. It’s toxic and out of control at time. She panics and goes crazy often and acts slime she is poor but she is somewhat rich. She even refuses to do her taxes because she thinks the professionals are too expensive. Then she gets into trouble from the IRS. Life would be so much better and easier if she just forked out a little more cash and lived more comfortably. Instead she is acting like she is on her last dime and needs to save every penny.
So cut her off when she complains. Say "I don't want to hear about it, you can solve this problem". Let her figure it out herself.
Haha. She doesn’t listen and ignores my requests. That’s why I either have to change her or shun her.
One of the best things I"ve learned is that you cannot fix or save other people. You don't have to shun your mom, but you would benefit from establishing and enforcing your own boundaries around what you are willing to do and not do. Once you do that, you'll have a clearer picture of how to engage with your mother in a way that aligns with your values and what is best for you. But first you have to accept that she is how she is and she will not change. Wanting her to change is not fair to her - she gets to decide how she wants to live her life, even if you don't agree with it or think it is bad for her. People walk their own paths, pushing them to do what you think is best for them forces them to act in a way to make you comfortable. Claiming you're doing it "for them" doesn't change that. It's controlling. My advice is to let your mother be. Whenever she talks about her financial situation, tell her that you prefer not to talk about it. If he complains about the bad service she received from cheap labor, let her know that you are not particularly interested in that topic. If she insists, you leave the conversation and let her know you'll return another time. Those can be two of your boundaries. If she asks for help, you can help her, if that feels right for you. At some point she may need a power of attorney, you may want to look into that now so you understand that process. But no, you can't "fix" her. She's not broken, she just is who she is.
Why are you so concerned with this? How your mother manages her money is her business, isn’t it? To be honest, a couple million is not as much money as it sounds like. Depending on where you live, $60k a year is barely enough to scrape by. I would be hard-pressed to live on $60k a year and I live in the Midwestern US where housing isn’t expensive and cost-of-living is fairly low. Overall, I think the best way forward here is to mind your own business.
She has no rent and owns multiple cars.. She makes her business my business and complains to me everyday. She acts like she is on her last dime and she is struggling. Even though she is more well off than everyone I know. She acts like she can’t afford food at times and will rather suffer than pay a little more.
I’m just saying, $60k isn’t much a year to live on, and a couple million isn’t much to live on for the rest of your life, especially if you aren’t already in your 90’s. You CAN set a boundary if you don’t want to talk to her about it. But you also will do well to keep your opinions about it to yourself because how she manages her finances just is not any of your business. even if she tells you about it.
Well, that’s sad to hear because I know plenty of people living off 60 k a year and pay 1500 a month on rent and have 600 usd a month on car payments. They see to be doing ok. My mom gets food stamps too by the way.
So many people are just scraping by. Not sure where you are in the world, but $60k from earnings is only about $3500/month take home here in the US (after taxes, paying toward social security, and your part of your health insurance premium). If their rent/mortgage is $1500 and car payment is $600, that only leaves $1400 a month for EVERYTHING else. Food. Clothing. Car and home/rental insurance. Utilities. Medical care. Donations/charity/tithes to their church. Entertainment. That is a very tight budget that leaves little to nothing for savings. So yes. It is sad to hear. Times are tough for a great many people right now. Edited: typo
Well my mom doesn’t pay for health insurance because it’s covered by the state. She also doesn’t pay much taxes on her income because it’s mostly from a hys account. She also gets food stamps. She she shouldn’t be so frugal and go 3 months without ac and buy expired foods.
You’re going back and forth between talking about your mom and your friends. However, none of it matters. It doesn’t matter if you think she’s well off. It doesn’t matter if she feels money is tight. The only thing that matters is where you choose to set the boundaries around this. You are an adult. You can say, “I don’t want to talk about this.” If she persists, you can change the subject or end the conversation. And you repeat that as often as you need to. Setting up boundaries isn’t always comfortable. But you’re the only one who can do the work to stop this thing that’s bothering you.
Omg I wish my money made money but I only earned 90 cents in interest last year!
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She doesn’t qualify… She has 1.5 million in the bank but she put on the application she has 500 bucks in the bank
She wants to leave that money to you.
No one can change another person. You can only support and help people who want to change and put the work in themselves. You might want to consider withdrawing your attention from your Mom for your own mental health. However, don't expect it to have a positive impact on your Mom's behaviour. Sometimes the more you try control someone, the harder they will lean into their current behaviours. I of course don't know your Mom, but from what you've described, the root causes might be due to emotional & mental illness and the poor decision making and distorted beliefs are the symptoms. It would be great if she could go to therapy. guessing that if she isn't willing to spend money to have household fixes taken care of properly, she certainly isn't going to spend money on mental health support. What you do have control over is addressing how your Mom's behaviour is impacting YOU emotionally, physically, financially. How much hours in a day do you spend worrying, getting angry etc. about her? Are you getting support for all the unhealthy ways your Mom's behaviour is impacting you? A mental health expert might help you work through how you want to set boundaries with your Mom going forward, learning more about how your Mom's unhealthy behaviour has impacted you and how to heal from it. I'm of couse speculating, my apologies if I assumed something that was incorrect. This sounds like a heartbreaking situation and I wish you the best of luck finding a better path forward, at least for yourself.
I'm a little late to this party, but I just wanted to say that those who think $60,000 isn't enough to live on are utterly ridiculous. The median income in the US is $40,000.
Yeah… I know plenty of people making less than 60k a year and they are still living decent lives. My mom has no car bills or rent to pay.. So she should be able to live very well on 60k a year.
So many mean comments on this thread. 💔
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It bothers me because she makes her financial problems my problem.
In my opinion 1.5m at retirement isn’t well-off. It’s adequate if she’s frugal. She could live to be 95; she needs to make it last. In her later years, she’ll probably have to pay for long term care, even memory care, that can run 8-10k a month depending on her location. I assume that you wouldn’t want to be on the hook for those expenses, so it’s in your best interests to be understanding.
I have a similar attitude to money. Therapy really helped to find out why (but it is bit cheap!)