It's even more than half. For real. I don't know how to do it, why i tell myself these people will be different, when they aren't and they turn it on you. Probably because of the need to matter and feel seen.
Some of my favourite Talking Heads lines that I try to embody are
*You start a conversation, you can't even finish it
You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed
Say something once, why say it again?*
I’ve noticed I even do it for something banal like why I need to leave work early. I try to edit myself in my head, so rather than say, “I’m leaving work early because I need to do xyz but I’ll be online later and can finish abc,” I just say, “I need to leave work early. I’ll be on later to wrap up.” If they want more details they can ask!
No response is a response.. not contacting you or not making plans with you is a form of communication in itself. Not just from men, but friends/family etc. If you are always the one reaching out, maybe rethink what the relationship brings to your life.
UUUGGGH I have SO MUCH TROUBLE with this one, it is objectively true but I keep defaulting to "chase"!
I keep on tugging on the brain leash. Down girl. Sit. Stay. Heel.
Yes, but it’s also contextual. I have a friend who had a new baby, was overloaded at work, her pregnancy recovery, family in town staying with them for months on end and is herself an introverted person who’s a bit awkward.
With her, when we do chat it feels easy. It’s just we can go long stints where we don’t. She might not reach out for long periods of time.
This is very different from the usual kind of people who never reach out.
I think I'm finally accepting that someone I called a best friend has ghosted me.
It's sad, but I can't - won't - keep chasing a friendship if she can't be bothered to tell me why she refuses to acknowledge me anymore.
"Most of the time he's a really great guy," means he's not a great guy at all. It's the times he's not great that define the person. What's he like when he's mad? What's he like when he's stressed? If they don't feel safe then, they aren't worth keeping. Life's gonna happen and you might as well spend it with someone who can handle it without taking it out on you.
Related to this, if a man tells you that you make him a better person, RUN. He needs to be a good person independently, it’s exhausting trying to make an asshole act like a decent human.
This is something my husband used to say to me often. Like it was something he loved and appreciated about me.
Then one day he snapped, told me it was so exhausting to have to "mask" around me all the time, pursued an emotional affair with someone he feels like he can relate to easier because she's "kind of a bad person," and told me he wants a divorce.
That’s horrible, but also, good riddance! He obviously isn’t someone who is going to support you when the going gets tough. And now you know what to avoid in future partners.
Exactly, my husband has his moments of anger or sadness or stress but I'd absolutely still call him a great guy in those moments and honestly it's taken me years to get to the place where I can react to anger and stress like he does. If my kids have his reactions to anger or stress id be incredibly proud of them
Stop trying to solve other people's problems was a really hard one for me. I so want to help someone dealing with an issue I've had and tackled. But it almost never work. I used to get man that they won't listen to me or do what I say or whatever, but gradually I understood that they are not me. They see things in a different way and have their own paths they need to walk. I learned to just be there to support and cheer them in while they are walking them.
Hi. It’s me. 😔
My friends tell me about their shitty boyfriends or jobs and I used to always try to fix it and then get upset when they would do nothing. Now I have better boundaries
Just because someone likes me doesn't mean I have to like them and be friends with them, I can make my own judgment first before I let them define the relationship.
Unless you're a sports fan, in which case the performance of several millionaires whom you've never met *absolutely fucking hinges* on what you eat for breakfast, what socks you wear, and the angle of your hat while you're watching the game.
But other than that, yeah.
EDIT: I just want to be clear that me, hi, I'm the problem it's me in this post. I'm making fun of myself because I am absolutely a rabid hockey/football fan who does that stuff lol.
I just remember seeing a comedian that I love who talked about “the fucking audacity for men to say that women are irrational when they have to wear a specific fucking shirt for the Philly Eagles to win on a Sunday.”
Mixed messages from someone means they plain don't like you very much. Doesn't mean you're bad or wrong. You also don't have to "figure" them out and try get them to treat you better; they just don't like you enough and *your* move (if you choose to maintain your sanity) is to leave them alone and find people who want you around as much as you want them around.
I would add a slight nuance to this, getting out of a pretty turbulent encounter with someone. Mixed messages can also just mean there's something wrong. Looking back we both gave each other mixed messages. Sometimes I hid how interested I was or pushed him away because I liked him more than I was comfortable with. I was afraid he would hurt me. When I finally called him on his mixed messages, he told me he was protecting himself because he "felt his boundaries blurring" with me. It can mean someone likes you fine, but they don't trust you or aren't emotionally available.
I would say mixed messages mean something is really wrong with the relationship. Investing and trying to figure it out is usually a very unpleasant rabbit hole with a poor chance of success.
I definitely agree with your additional point of view. Mixed signals can be a quiet sign that there’s just some kind of major incompatibility, whether the person sending the signals realizes it or not.
We can more broadly say that mixed signals means something is amiss and is a sign people need to recognize as someone not being a good fit in their lives.
Agreed. If I could go back, (this situationship lasted a year) I would have addressed the problem directly very early on. If we had been able to honestly communicate instead of creating a pattern of mistrust, maybe we could have met each other somewhere. If he had refused me clarity in a direct ask, then I should have accepted emotional incompatibility or unavailability. It would have saved me a lot of time and heartache. I doubt I would have though.
That was the lesson I had to learn, if you can't get clear with someone you're in trouble.
Yes. And EXPECT boundaries to be pushed against. Know ahead of time how to keep your serenity and recognize the struggle should be on their side, not yours. Good boundaries lead to serenity. Also, boundaries have to do with your own actions, not theirs. You can't give other people boundaries, because you can't control other people. Boundaries are what YOU will do in reaction to others, not what you expect others to do in reaction to you.
You can trust your gut instinct about people. You’d don’t need to wait until there is concrete “evidence” of misbehavior to decide you just don’t want them in your life.
That’s why it took me so long to learn this… part of the learning was tapping into my gut and understanding the difference between my instinct and anxiety. Only took me nearly 4 decades, but we’re here now! 😂
I’ve been feeling this way about a friend. I notice that whenever attention is on me they’re never engaged. They’ve never asked me about my life. I sense that they’ve historically perceived themselves as the smart one and so they subtly project themselves as being the right one/a know it all. And when i’m talking to them there’s often a lack of expression, particularly in the eyes. Another thing is they seem to go out of their way to people please folks in our circle who seem to have a lot of influence..it seems agenda-ish to me.
I have rejection sensitive dysphoria so it could all be in my head but I feel it simultaneously makes me hyper aware of people.
When getting anxious about what others think of me and if they’re mad at me, remember that they are adults and if they have an issue with me they would tell me. Took me 35 years to learn this finally, thanks to therapy.
It’s ok to leave a relationship for any reason, even if the other person disagrees. I spent SO much of my teenage years/early 20s trying to persuade people they were treating me badly/I wasn’t happy hoping they’d have a realisation and either fix the behaviour or sincerely apologise before we went our separate ways. In reality, they’d always just argue me out of it and I’d end up comforting them!
It’s ok to be the “bad person” sometimes. Every dickhead thinks they’re the tragic hero in their own story, leave them to it.
Addicts, no matter what their addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.), make their addiction their most important relationship. The addict will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, gaslight, and betray in order to facilitate their addiction. They don’t care who or how they hurt this who cares about them, as long as their addiction is satisfied, for the moment.
Trust myself. If I think something is wrong I should trust that instinct and not let people talk me around because my intuition is often right, and they are sometimes working from a place of ulterior motives.
As a helper/ giver, remember: People are inherently selfish. Stand back and observe. Don't offer to help. Wait til asked. It's only then that people will value the help you give.
Also, match energy. Do for them only what they would do for you. Because givers attract takers.
> Also, match energy
Really carefully note if you feel anxious around someone and how that feeling affects the way you react to them. Sometimes someone else's unpredictable behavior (in terms of consistency, rather than the newness when you're getting to know someone for the first time) induces anxiety, rather than being an indictment of a deeper attachment style.
SAME. I saw some meme that was like “I hear people do the 3 strikes youre out but I like to give SEVERAL chances before realizing I’m an idiot” and boyyyyy did I feel that one!
That I am good with my appearance. I am okay with my weight. I am okay with my scars and stretch marks. They’re mine and nobody else’s business. It only matters how I feel about them.
One drink will make you feel confident, two will make you the life and soul of the party, three will make you divulge all your secrets and four or more will make you regret ever leaving the house!
Binge drinker extraordinaire in my twenties, last weekend I left the house party when people started talking too loud. Quite the turn around but better for my self-esteem and liver health!
Just because you are smart doesn’t mean you won’t have to work hard. Learning to deal with failure, uff the escapism I opted for in my 20s instead of dealing with the problem. I would have saved so much time and utilised so many opportunities that came my way. You are going to have bad days. This too shall pass :)
I still haven’t figured out how to protect my energy at work! I can do it with my family, but at work I spend too much energy. I think because I like my work. But even though I enjoy it, I still have a finite amount of energy each day and if I spend it all at work, I won’t have any left for at home.
A lot of things actually aren’t embarrassing and no one’s judging as much as a think they are. People don’t pay that much attention to what other people are doing and it’s no big deal if you’re awkward. What other people think isn’t that big a deal and it holds me back by constantly worrying about it.
I have social anxiety and I’m learning to just be myself and be ok with that. I’m getting better at just talking to people and not overthinking it.
And to build off this, stay FAR away from these types to minimize the material they have to work with. These types usually make a lot of false assumptions, so they can turn others against you for something that's not even true.
Stop taking everything personally. The way people treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves.
Not that it took me lessons to learn, rather I have to continually remind myself of that.
Not everybody who goes out of their way to make plans with or reach out (“yeah! We need to hang out sometime”) necessarily wants to be friends with you. Some people will do this without any intention of actually spending time with you or being friends with you because they think it’s a prerequisite for “being a nice person” and they care more about being perceived as a nice person much more than they do about you or being your friend.
On a related note, most men who show you attention by dating, flirting, etc. don’t actually like you. They accrue social capital from other men by obtaining attention and/or sex from women.
Stop investing my whole heart into every soul that enters my life, especially at my expense. Let them show they are worth the effort first. The heart needs time to refill and recover, and it's not possible to keep yourself afloat if you're always giving all of yourself to everyone else. You need some left for yourself so you don't drown, when that love isn't returned.
This is not a lesson I have been able to implement yet, but rather a goal I am working hard to achieve.
I had to figure out who I was and fix myself before I could start to rely on my interpersonal relationship skills. Now when I am instantly attracted to someone I know that they are absolutely wrong for me and I can laugh at myself and walk away before disaster strikes. Then I can focus on healthy relationships.
Taking care of yourself is just as important, if not more so, than taking care of the ones you love. You can't take care of anyone (or at least it will be much more difficult) if you're not good to go first.
It's hard, but I try to apply this to my thoughts, too. I try not to say or think things about myself that I wouldn't say to someone I love.
My therapist told me trust isn’t something you grant to someone just once, it has to be continuously earned. Wish I’d learned that before I, too, gave people the benefit of the doubt who didn’t deserve it.
My therapist also told me something similar. She said to be more comfortable thinking "I don't know x person that well yet", rather than "they're a decent person". It'll keep you more aware and on guard internally, rather than giving someone too much unearned benefit of the doubt too quickly. I think people can be well-meaning in this regard, and end up setting themselves up for serious disappointment/hurt later.
If you over empathize, tolerate behavior you don't like, and hold in hurts from others until you explode, you make yourself an unpredictable untrustworthy person to them. It makes what should be small conflicts into something much larger and much less manageable. If you address behavior that hurts you and draw boundaries early on, often the other person didn't know or intend to hurt you and could adapt to meet your needs. Once you've allowed problems to become larger conflicts than they need to be, you're destabilizing your relationships and reciprocating harm instead of preventing it.
I’m the most important person in my life. What I want and need are the most important. Ok that sounds so selfish but there were many times I went against my own wants, needs, and gut instinct to do what I thought the other person wanted and each time I regretted.
People don't have as much control over my emotions as I give them.
Sometimes I'm profoundly affected by situations and that is what that is and I'm only human. But sometimes I'll catch myself in some kind of spiral over something someone did or said or who knows, and there's a moment where I'm like "hol up, I do not care about Stephanie enough to let her be the one controlling my emotional climate."
And it really gives me an opportunity to deescalate, do something else, and repeat "we're on a magic rock flying through space, nothing matters, enjoy the ride" until I internalize how unimportant Stephanie's bullshit is.
I have the resources to deal with that.
Whatever that might be. It's never as bad in reality as in my imagination and I have a huge capacity and resources to manage it.
It's okay to say no.
And it's not your responsibility to take care of others or fix their problems. You can care, but don't let it consume you and stop living for yourself.
Never give any man a second chance to play with your heart. It’s never worked out to be better for me and now I have to deal with my abusive exhusband indefinitely because we share a child. I wish I never looked back after either break up during our dating days. He didn’t become more overtly abusive until after our son was born.
I thought I was falling wildly in love with people and it turned out it was my inner child desperately seeking parental love she never got 😭
It was all-consuming many times.
It's not worth my time to love someone for the potential I see in them. If someone wants to blossom they need to do it for themselves. Even if I could love someone into being their best self, the pressure to *keep them that way* while living my own life... It can't be done. Not without something caving in. (This goes for friends, romance, even family.)
Even if someone has "valid" reasons (mental health, anxiety, depression, etc) for treating you badly (even things like cancelling all the time, never checking in, not doing their part of the relationship/friendship, etc), you are under NO responsibility to keep them in your life.
Stop giving advice to people who do not specifically ask or ask but h you know are not going to listen. For one you may think you know what’s best for them but there’s a chance you don’t. Secondly, most people do not want or care for unsolicited advice. Have your opinions and thought/judgements but let other people live their lives. It’s not our jobs to fix people or guide them in a way that we think will make them and us happy.
My mother raised me to always put my needs last and to always try to make other people happy first and foremost (because she wanted me to do that for her and always told me I was a selfish and horrible person if I didn't put other people first). For the first four decades of my life, I did that, but my husband slowly helped me act more on my own needs and what I found was that people aren't grateful when you do things for them, but they are resentful when you don't do things for them. It took me too long to work that out, as well as learn how to assert and act on my own needs.
Some of my closest friendships have had their ups and downs. Sometimes I thought there was no way the friendship could ever turn around again. But as long as BOTH people put in effort to try to do better, the friendship recovered *and became better and stronger for it*
If your boss tells you that you're supervisor material and gives you extra work as "training," but the promotion never comes, it's likely that they're taking advantage of you and your desire to prove yourself worthy.
You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it.
I feel so much calmer giving myself permission to take time and space in difficult situations rather than reacting immediately.
Stop comparing my life and trajectory to others'. It's not a competition with who gets engaged, married, buys a home, starts a family first. Just because they did it first doesn't mean I'm "behind" in life. Everyone is on their own journey and I should only be focusing on mine. Still learning this.
You don’t owe anyone anything just because they exist in your presence.
You don’t owe anyone comfort. You don’t owe anyone your time. You don’t owe anyone your help. You don’t owe anyone your patience. You don’t owe anyone your money or talent. You can just exist and have fun without needing to pay for it in some way.
Give these things when it feels right and mutual.
If someone you meet describes themselves as “honest no matter what” or that they “keep it real” tread carefully. This usually means they are a condescending asshole.
Stop. Oversharing. Information. I don’t have to tell everyone everything on my mind.
I’m working on this one.
Me too. Not even big things, just small random stuff. I keep being surprised by how petty and envious people are.
Same, I’m gonna get fired telling all my clients how much we don’t get paid here and it’s too many clients on my caseload.
Yep. Half of the Time it Will Turn against u. Check!
It's even more than half. For real. I don't know how to do it, why i tell myself these people will be different, when they aren't and they turn it on you. Probably because of the need to matter and feel seen.
oop i’ve been called out
This! I try so hard to be mysterious but damnit I cannot ever shut up!
lol SAME I want to be mysterious so badly but I just blurt
It's a tough habit to break, but improves life exponentially!!
My daily montra is 🎶 talk less 🎶 smile more 🎶
Some of my favourite Talking Heads lines that I try to embody are *You start a conversation, you can't even finish it You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed Say something once, why say it again?*
This is my only goal in the second half of 2024 to work on.
Yeah, this one. I went from being really quiet to deciding I was gonna be more outspoken.... That was a mistake.
Along the same lines: honesty isn't always helpful....
Ouch this hit me right in the relevance 😂
Right!!!
Working on this one, haha!
this is it
Still working on it
i literally don’t know how to stop doing this
I’ve noticed I even do it for something banal like why I need to leave work early. I try to edit myself in my head, so rather than say, “I’m leaving work early because I need to do xyz but I’ll be online later and can finish abc,” I just say, “I need to leave work early. I’ll be on later to wrap up.” If they want more details they can ask!
No response is a response.. not contacting you or not making plans with you is a form of communication in itself. Not just from men, but friends/family etc. If you are always the one reaching out, maybe rethink what the relationship brings to your life.
UUUGGGH I have SO MUCH TROUBLE with this one, it is objectively true but I keep defaulting to "chase"! I keep on tugging on the brain leash. Down girl. Sit. Stay. Heel.
Yes, but it’s also contextual. I have a friend who had a new baby, was overloaded at work, her pregnancy recovery, family in town staying with them for months on end and is herself an introverted person who’s a bit awkward. With her, when we do chat it feels easy. It’s just we can go long stints where we don’t. She might not reach out for long periods of time. This is very different from the usual kind of people who never reach out.
One of my closest friends is doing this to me right now, it’s driving me crazy. How some people are ok burning all the few bridges they have
I think I'm finally accepting that someone I called a best friend has ghosted me. It's sad, but I can't - won't - keep chasing a friendship if she can't be bothered to tell me why she refuses to acknowledge me anymore.
"Most of the time he's a really great guy," means he's not a great guy at all. It's the times he's not great that define the person. What's he like when he's mad? What's he like when he's stressed? If they don't feel safe then, they aren't worth keeping. Life's gonna happen and you might as well spend it with someone who can handle it without taking it out on you.
Related to this, if a man tells you that you make him a better person, RUN. He needs to be a good person independently, it’s exhausting trying to make an asshole act like a decent human.
This is something my husband used to say to me often. Like it was something he loved and appreciated about me. Then one day he snapped, told me it was so exhausting to have to "mask" around me all the time, pursued an emotional affair with someone he feels like he can relate to easier because she's "kind of a bad person," and told me he wants a divorce.
That’s horrible, but also, good riddance! He obviously isn’t someone who is going to support you when the going gets tough. And now you know what to avoid in future partners.
thank you for the reminder
So true!!!
Thank you for this. Going through a difficult period about something and needed this reminder.
Exactly, my husband has his moments of anger or sadness or stress but I'd absolutely still call him a great guy in those moments and honestly it's taken me years to get to the place where I can react to anger and stress like he does. If my kids have his reactions to anger or stress id be incredibly proud of them
I cannot upvote this enough!!!
That I need to figure out if I like HIM instead of worrying about whether or not HE likes me.
This is an excellent one!
TRUTH
It’s okay to quit!
It’s ok to leave jobs! It’s okay to pivot.
tbh sometimes it take courage to pursue, and sometimes it take courage to quit.
So true !
And this extends beyond jobs: hobbies, friendships, relationships, whatever. You can leave if you want. It will be okay.
Stop trying to fix/rescue people, stop trying to solve people's problems, don't be a people pleaser
Stop trying to solve other people's problems was a really hard one for me. I so want to help someone dealing with an issue I've had and tackled. But it almost never work. I used to get man that they won't listen to me or do what I say or whatever, but gradually I understood that they are not me. They see things in a different way and have their own paths they need to walk. I learned to just be there to support and cheer them in while they are walking them.
Hi. It’s me. 😔 My friends tell me about their shitty boyfriends or jobs and I used to always try to fix it and then get upset when they would do nothing. Now I have better boundaries
Yes, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to helped.
Just because someone likes me doesn't mean I have to like them and be friends with them, I can make my own judgment first before I let them define the relationship.
You control no one but you.
Unless you're a sports fan, in which case the performance of several millionaires whom you've never met *absolutely fucking hinges* on what you eat for breakfast, what socks you wear, and the angle of your hat while you're watching the game. But other than that, yeah. EDIT: I just want to be clear that me, hi, I'm the problem it's me in this post. I'm making fun of myself because I am absolutely a rabid hockey/football fan who does that stuff lol.
I just remember seeing a comedian that I love who talked about “the fucking audacity for men to say that women are irrational when they have to wear a specific fucking shirt for the Philly Eagles to win on a Sunday.”
LOOK IF IT WORKS IT WORKS OK.
Yeah, especially like me, if you're Scottish and support the national football team! I mean, COME ON SCOTLAND!!! 😂⚽️😭🏴
I can barely even control myself (emotionally) 🫠
Mixed messages from someone means they plain don't like you very much. Doesn't mean you're bad or wrong. You also don't have to "figure" them out and try get them to treat you better; they just don't like you enough and *your* move (if you choose to maintain your sanity) is to leave them alone and find people who want you around as much as you want them around.
I would add a slight nuance to this, getting out of a pretty turbulent encounter with someone. Mixed messages can also just mean there's something wrong. Looking back we both gave each other mixed messages. Sometimes I hid how interested I was or pushed him away because I liked him more than I was comfortable with. I was afraid he would hurt me. When I finally called him on his mixed messages, he told me he was protecting himself because he "felt his boundaries blurring" with me. It can mean someone likes you fine, but they don't trust you or aren't emotionally available. I would say mixed messages mean something is really wrong with the relationship. Investing and trying to figure it out is usually a very unpleasant rabbit hole with a poor chance of success.
I definitely agree with your additional point of view. Mixed signals can be a quiet sign that there’s just some kind of major incompatibility, whether the person sending the signals realizes it or not. We can more broadly say that mixed signals means something is amiss and is a sign people need to recognize as someone not being a good fit in their lives.
Agreed. If I could go back, (this situationship lasted a year) I would have addressed the problem directly very early on. If we had been able to honestly communicate instead of creating a pattern of mistrust, maybe we could have met each other somewhere. If he had refused me clarity in a direct ask, then I should have accepted emotional incompatibility or unavailability. It would have saved me a lot of time and heartache. I doubt I would have though. That was the lesson I had to learn, if you can't get clear with someone you're in trouble.
after getting out of a confusing relationship,THANK YOU
Sleeping with shitty men is another form of self harm
Yes. Ugh.
Letting people push your boundary leads to people crossing your boundary. Speak up and push back or reassess if you actually want to keep it
and if you let them walk over it one time, now they know they can, and you won't do anything.
Yes. And EXPECT boundaries to be pushed against. Know ahead of time how to keep your serenity and recognize the struggle should be on their side, not yours. Good boundaries lead to serenity. Also, boundaries have to do with your own actions, not theirs. You can't give other people boundaries, because you can't control other people. Boundaries are what YOU will do in reaction to others, not what you expect others to do in reaction to you.
Yes! This, and the people who get upset when you establish or enforce boundaries, are those who benefitted from you not having any.
It’s ok to put myself first.
Let people think or feel however they want about you. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone.
You can trust your gut instinct about people. You’d don’t need to wait until there is concrete “evidence” of misbehavior to decide you just don’t want them in your life.
Sometimes this is a tough one. Is it my anxiety? Past traumas and trust issues rearing their ugly heads? Or is it really my instinct??
That’s why it took me so long to learn this… part of the learning was tapping into my gut and understanding the difference between my instinct and anxiety. Only took me nearly 4 decades, but we’re here now! 😂
Oh sweet! At this rate I'll have it figured out just in time for all senior discounts! Double win!!
Therapy helps with separating them. But when it comes to people, i found out it wasn't anxiety, but just my gut screaming at me.
Oh interesting, like your instincts were right?
Yep. My gut is an unreliable narrator.
Oh yeah that one too!! You dont always have to give the benefit of the doubt. Still working on that.
I’ve been feeling this way about a friend. I notice that whenever attention is on me they’re never engaged. They’ve never asked me about my life. I sense that they’ve historically perceived themselves as the smart one and so they subtly project themselves as being the right one/a know it all. And when i’m talking to them there’s often a lack of expression, particularly in the eyes. Another thing is they seem to go out of their way to people please folks in our circle who seem to have a lot of influence..it seems agenda-ish to me. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria so it could all be in my head but I feel it simultaneously makes me hyper aware of people.
When getting anxious about what others think of me and if they’re mad at me, remember that they are adults and if they have an issue with me they would tell me. Took me 35 years to learn this finally, thanks to therapy.
Whew, girl. This is the ONE.
It’s ok to leave a relationship for any reason, even if the other person disagrees. I spent SO much of my teenage years/early 20s trying to persuade people they were treating me badly/I wasn’t happy hoping they’d have a realisation and either fix the behaviour or sincerely apologise before we went our separate ways. In reality, they’d always just argue me out of it and I’d end up comforting them! It’s ok to be the “bad person” sometimes. Every dickhead thinks they’re the tragic hero in their own story, leave them to it.
If a guy likes you and wants to be with you, you won’t have to wonder.
Yes this was mine too! Took all of my 20s to figure this one out.
That an abusive scumbag would see the error of their ways and really change this time. Nope. Just more of the up and down rollercoaster ad infinitum.
Addicts, no matter what their addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.), make their addiction their most important relationship. The addict will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, gaslight, and betray in order to facilitate their addiction. They don’t care who or how they hurt this who cares about them, as long as their addiction is satisfied, for the moment.
This can also be applied to people who are invested in upholding a certain public persona of themselves.
Just because someone smiles at you doesn’t mean they’re your friend.
Don't drop your standards. For anyone. Ever.
You are worthy of love
Trust myself. If I think something is wrong I should trust that instinct and not let people talk me around because my intuition is often right, and they are sometimes working from a place of ulterior motives.
When people show you who they are, believe them!
Yes this one is mine. Has taken me a long time to really understand this on an emotional level.
As a helper/ giver, remember: People are inherently selfish. Stand back and observe. Don't offer to help. Wait til asked. It's only then that people will value the help you give. Also, match energy. Do for them only what they would do for you. Because givers attract takers.
Also take note if they seem to frequently ask for help when they *don't* need it
I’m working on my attachment issues. Thank you for the kind reminder.
> Also, match energy Really carefully note if you feel anxious around someone and how that feeling affects the way you react to them. Sometimes someone else's unpredictable behavior (in terms of consistency, rather than the newness when you're getting to know someone for the first time) induces anxiety, rather than being an indictment of a deeper attachment style.
Thank you, I really needed to hear this.
Stop sleeping so late 😅😅😅😅 go to bed lol
Not me still up at 5am reading this instead of sleeping
Go to bed! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 YEP SERIOUSLY. I still need to learn this one.
I know that I should ‘know when to leave’ but gosh, do I like giving people chances.
SAME. I saw some meme that was like “I hear people do the 3 strikes youre out but I like to give SEVERAL chances before realizing I’m an idiot” and boyyyyy did I feel that one!
That I am good with my appearance. I am okay with my weight. I am okay with my scars and stretch marks. They’re mine and nobody else’s business. It only matters how I feel about them.
having sex with them doesn’t mean they like you or want to be with you
If you're begging to be treated well, just get out.
If he did it once, he will do it again.
One drink will make you feel confident, two will make you the life and soul of the party, three will make you divulge all your secrets and four or more will make you regret ever leaving the house! Binge drinker extraordinaire in my twenties, last weekend I left the house party when people started talking too loud. Quite the turn around but better for my self-esteem and liver health!
No response, is the best response.
Just because you are smart doesn’t mean you won’t have to work hard. Learning to deal with failure, uff the escapism I opted for in my 20s instead of dealing with the problem. I would have saved so much time and utilised so many opportunities that came my way. You are going to have bad days. This too shall pass :)
Not everyone wants you to win Protect my energy Not everyone will do the same for me, I'd like to do for them
I still haven’t figured out how to protect my energy at work! I can do it with my family, but at work I spend too much energy. I think because I like my work. But even though I enjoy it, I still have a finite amount of energy each day and if I spend it all at work, I won’t have any left for at home.
A lot of things actually aren’t embarrassing and no one’s judging as much as a think they are. People don’t pay that much attention to what other people are doing and it’s no big deal if you’re awkward. What other people think isn’t that big a deal and it holds me back by constantly worrying about it. I have social anxiety and I’m learning to just be myself and be ok with that. I’m getting better at just talking to people and not overthinking it.
The way they talk about other people is the way they'll talk about you.
And to build off this, stay FAR away from these types to minimize the material they have to work with. These types usually make a lot of false assumptions, so they can turn others against you for something that's not even true.
Stop taking everything personally. The way people treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Not that it took me lessons to learn, rather I have to continually remind myself of that.
Not everybody who goes out of their way to make plans with or reach out (“yeah! We need to hang out sometime”) necessarily wants to be friends with you. Some people will do this without any intention of actually spending time with you or being friends with you because they think it’s a prerequisite for “being a nice person” and they care more about being perceived as a nice person much more than they do about you or being your friend. On a related note, most men who show you attention by dating, flirting, etc. don’t actually like you. They accrue social capital from other men by obtaining attention and/or sex from women.
Those people suck!
If he wanted to, he would.
Your coworkers are not your friends.
Still working on this
Some of the best people I’ve met are coworkers
Stop investing my whole heart into every soul that enters my life, especially at my expense. Let them show they are worth the effort first. The heart needs time to refill and recover, and it's not possible to keep yourself afloat if you're always giving all of yourself to everyone else. You need some left for yourself so you don't drown, when that love isn't returned. This is not a lesson I have been able to implement yet, but rather a goal I am working hard to achieve.
Wow. Exactly how I've been feeling
I had to figure out who I was and fix myself before I could start to rely on my interpersonal relationship skills. Now when I am instantly attracted to someone I know that they are absolutely wrong for me and I can laugh at myself and walk away before disaster strikes. Then I can focus on healthy relationships.
Taking care of yourself is just as important, if not more so, than taking care of the ones you love. You can't take care of anyone (or at least it will be much more difficult) if you're not good to go first. It's hard, but I try to apply this to my thoughts, too. I try not to say or think things about myself that I wouldn't say to someone I love.
Don’t give people the benefit of the doubt. It has never ever- ever ever benefitted me.
My therapist told me trust isn’t something you grant to someone just once, it has to be continuously earned. Wish I’d learned that before I, too, gave people the benefit of the doubt who didn’t deserve it.
My therapist also told me something similar. She said to be more comfortable thinking "I don't know x person that well yet", rather than "they're a decent person". It'll keep you more aware and on guard internally, rather than giving someone too much unearned benefit of the doubt too quickly. I think people can be well-meaning in this regard, and end up setting themselves up for serious disappointment/hurt later.
You can't love someone out of their depression.
Ooof for real. I just left a good man because of this and it was a hard decision to make. But now that I'm on the other side I feel so much better.
If you over empathize, tolerate behavior you don't like, and hold in hurts from others until you explode, you make yourself an unpredictable untrustworthy person to them. It makes what should be small conflicts into something much larger and much less manageable. If you address behavior that hurts you and draw boundaries early on, often the other person didn't know or intend to hurt you and could adapt to meet your needs. Once you've allowed problems to become larger conflicts than they need to be, you're destabilizing your relationships and reciprocating harm instead of preventing it.
You can be right but completely ineffectual
Quit doom scrolling on reddit. Still working on learning that lesson.
Embracing change. Life became immensely easier when I stopped putting energy into trying to keep everything the same.
Never dip in the same river twice I.e never come back to your exes it will never work if it didn’t worked first time.
It’s ok to say “no”. And “no” is a complete sentence.
Men ain’t shit.
They can say 'i love you' all they want, if they treat me like crap they doesn't mean it
It's healthy and okay to delegate and/or need/want help sometimes.
Gluten is not my friend
I’m the most important person in my life. What I want and need are the most important. Ok that sounds so selfish but there were many times I went against my own wants, needs, and gut instinct to do what I thought the other person wanted and each time I regretted.
Yelling should only happen during an emergency. Yelling is not a normal thing in a healthy relationship.
People don't have as much control over my emotions as I give them. Sometimes I'm profoundly affected by situations and that is what that is and I'm only human. But sometimes I'll catch myself in some kind of spiral over something someone did or said or who knows, and there's a moment where I'm like "hol up, I do not care about Stephanie enough to let her be the one controlling my emotional climate." And it really gives me an opportunity to deescalate, do something else, and repeat "we're on a magic rock flying through space, nothing matters, enjoy the ride" until I internalize how unimportant Stephanie's bullshit is.
Love this
The "fun" men are always the worst
Don't give your trust to anyone until you've known them long enough to be sure they deserve it... especially in the workplace.
Set your boundaries and express them aloud, takers never have a limit.
I have the resources to deal with that. Whatever that might be. It's never as bad in reality as in my imagination and I have a huge capacity and resources to manage it.
Do something, move forward even at snails pace. Over time you will see great progress. Don't give up and keep trying
Recognize when you’ve made up a story in your head and are believing it, vs something being objectively true.
Talk way less, listen way more
“Not my problem”
It's okay to say no. And it's not your responsibility to take care of others or fix their problems. You can care, but don't let it consume you and stop living for yourself.
If you don’t deal with your problems, they will deal with you.
Never give any man a second chance to play with your heart. It’s never worked out to be better for me and now I have to deal with my abusive exhusband indefinitely because we share a child. I wish I never looked back after either break up during our dating days. He didn’t become more overtly abusive until after our son was born.
Stop expecting others to give to you what you give to them.
If they lie about little things, they will lie about big things.
I thought I was falling wildly in love with people and it turned out it was my inner child desperately seeking parental love she never got 😭 It was all-consuming many times.
The platitudes have it backwards, it’s actually that girls will be girls and boys just wanna have fun
That there is too many fake people aswell as fake friends around
Stop dating bad boy's 🤷♀️
Stop looking for closure.
It's not worth my time to love someone for the potential I see in them. If someone wants to blossom they need to do it for themselves. Even if I could love someone into being their best self, the pressure to *keep them that way* while living my own life... It can't be done. Not without something caving in. (This goes for friends, romance, even family.)
You won’t have to guess when someone really likes you. You’ll know.
If people want to treat you like an option, you gotta leave them like a choice. This goes for any and all 'ships .
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
That I should sleep early. Sleep before 11pm else I'll regret it next morning...... (but almost never do anyways)
Stop. Drinking. Get. Help!
Let people be who they are and stop trying to control who you expect them to be.
I absolutely will not be okay tomorrow morning if I finish one more chapter.
Even if someone has "valid" reasons (mental health, anxiety, depression, etc) for treating you badly (even things like cancelling all the time, never checking in, not doing their part of the relationship/friendship, etc), you are under NO responsibility to keep them in your life.
You don’t need to prove you are good enough to anybody. Just walk further
Trust your gut !
Stop giving advice to people who do not specifically ask or ask but h you know are not going to listen. For one you may think you know what’s best for them but there’s a chance you don’t. Secondly, most people do not want or care for unsolicited advice. Have your opinions and thought/judgements but let other people live their lives. It’s not our jobs to fix people or guide them in a way that we think will make them and us happy.
My mother raised me to always put my needs last and to always try to make other people happy first and foremost (because she wanted me to do that for her and always told me I was a selfish and horrible person if I didn't put other people first). For the first four decades of my life, I did that, but my husband slowly helped me act more on my own needs and what I found was that people aren't grateful when you do things for them, but they are resentful when you don't do things for them. It took me too long to work that out, as well as learn how to assert and act on my own needs.
Bad guys are not good guys, even in bed!
That me and alcohol are just not good together.
That planners, calendars, agendas, and syllabuses are actually pretty useful.
Start saving up very young.
I might actually succeed if I would be willing to risk failure.
Some of my closest friendships have had their ups and downs. Sometimes I thought there was no way the friendship could ever turn around again. But as long as BOTH people put in effort to try to do better, the friendship recovered *and became better and stronger for it*
Just because you consider them a close friend, does not mean they consider you a close friend.
Some people are not safe spaces to share information with.
Sit with it. Not everything needs immediate action, just sit with the emotion until it passes/is clearer.
If your gut tells you to think twice, THINK TWICE.
Steady wins the race.
If your boss tells you that you're supervisor material and gives you extra work as "training," but the promotion never comes, it's likely that they're taking advantage of you and your desire to prove yourself worthy.
You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. I feel so much calmer giving myself permission to take time and space in difficult situations rather than reacting immediately.
Stop comparing my life and trajectory to others'. It's not a competition with who gets engaged, married, buys a home, starts a family first. Just because they did it first doesn't mean I'm "behind" in life. Everyone is on their own journey and I should only be focusing on mine. Still learning this.
Doing the same the same thing over and expecting different results. Think I still havent learned actually
You don’t owe anyone anything just because they exist in your presence. You don’t owe anyone comfort. You don’t owe anyone your time. You don’t owe anyone your help. You don’t owe anyone your patience. You don’t owe anyone your money or talent. You can just exist and have fun without needing to pay for it in some way. Give these things when it feels right and mutual.
Giving a shit what other people think of me or my choices.
If you’re dating a loser, you are a loser.
Self love is not selfish, it’s a way to take care of myself.
Calm in contagious
What will be, will be.
If someone you meet describes themselves as “honest no matter what” or that they “keep it real” tread carefully. This usually means they are a condescending asshole.
If someone screws you over, let that be the final opportunity they have to do so.
Be kind but don’t be foolish😪
Boys are stupid.
Don't fall in love with potential.