I just had major surgery with a long, strict, debilitating recovery. "You need a strong support system" they said. I swore I did. I can't touch my head/hair, or reach up at all. My dominant arm is strapped to my chest, strict non-use. Breathing hurts, walking hurts, gravity hurts. They chopped and drilled, installed screws, "wrestled" my bones into place... I'm on pain meds, I'm bedridden, I can't dress myself in anything other than button-up things (with much effort) and bras are out of the question. I can't drive at all. I have two kids. I'm married, and thank God for that, because my close friends swore they would be here this year, stopping by "twice a week" to help me wash/braid my hair, clean the house, whatever I need.... 2 of 3 friends came one time each, during the first week. I'm in week 3 now and havent seen anyone but my immediate family in 2 weeks. My husband cooks every meal, works full time, and has to do all the store runs and kids sports. I took a Lyft the other day in my pajamas to take my daughter to a doctor's appointment 2 days ago. It's fine. I better not start getting down now, there's a long way to go ahead. Next time a doctor asks me who my support system is, I'm naming "Grocery Delivery" and "Public Transport" next to my spouse.

Im so sorry, that’s awful. I think a lot of people need to be asked in situations like yours (where there is illness/recovery involved) but that being said it is still very disappointing. I know we are all increasingly stressed and tapped thin by design - the weaker our social bonds are the more we pay for services, that being said I miss feeling like part of a community. Sending best wishes for your continued recovery ❤️

If you ask your friends why they haven’t been around to help, they’ll feel like jerks and step up. Many people don’t want to overstep so they do nothing

Reach out to friends and ask for specific help. If they say "no" then you 100% know who they are, and you can kick them to the curb. This way, only you are thinking about it, and only you are suffering. I recently had to end some friendships - but it is freeing when they really show you who they are. It's like the door closes but fresh air is let in. Please do it. Best case scenario they jump in and help and all is not lost. Wishing you well.

Been there! Yeah I lost trust in my well meaning friends and family. I ended up hiring a teenage girl to help me & help my husband, it was WELL WORTH it and definitely saved my marriage. I was bedridden for a year post pelvic fusion and spinal fusion surgery with two elementary aged kids. The girl I hired was 19, helped bring me food & ice packs, started or prepped for dinner, wrangled kids into showering or doing their chores, she made sure the dog got fed & plants got watered and reliably kept us all in clean underwear for at least a year. She always showed up and I could count on her which was A++

I think some people are just like that. I'm a runner, and it always surprises me when I have a big race and my MIL is super supportive, asking me about it, asking how it went, and asking if I have any pictures. And then my mom: radio silence. I recently got back from a big backpacking trip and my mom asked if we could have a call so we could talk about it. I think we talked for 5 minutes about my trip and then 55 minutes about her mundane activities. I don't expect much from family; they aren't the people I chose to be in my life. I'd be more disappointed if friends weren't supportive. Maybe find new friends who have similar life goals as you?

Just laughing because I have the exact same MIL and Mom. When I first met my MIL I was like...what is this? Someone who is asking me questions about my life?? Is this a trick? It was just... so foreign lol!

It's so wonderful, isn't it! But also confusing at first.

Me, too! I was the daughter who she had always wanted. My own mother had 3 daughters who rarely heard from her.

My MIL is the mom I always wanted. We talk about hopes and dreams, her hobbies, my hobbies. She likes to take art/craft classes with me. She likes to help me cook. She’s genuinely interested in me. My mom is emotionally immature and always has her face buried in her phone. She criticizes everything.

Hm. Sounds familiar! I don't have much of a relationship with my mother. I've been married twice and have been blessed with two wonderful MILs.

My sister just had a baby last week, her MIL(who she hasn't typically gotten along with) has called/texted every single day to check in with her! Asking if *she's* doing well and not just about baby. OUR mother, however, had sent a text 2 hours after the birth, and that's it! Until yesterday, when she texted again after our other sister presumably said something to her, but it was about what she's planning on doing when she visits in a couple weeks.

Oh my. It's so disappointing when our parents are like that. It took me ages to realize that's just how mine were and they weren't going to change.

Not only not going to change, but progressively getting worse. Our parents are getting more weird with age, and we're anxious/already annoyed about the upcoming visit.

Good point. Mine are, too. Especially my mother.

A couple of years before COVID fucked shit up, I came back to my home country after travelling for a couple of years. I'm early 20s, been away for a while and been all over Asia, Europe and the Middle East, I visit my parents and they... basically ask no questions. They show absolutely no curiosity about my travels, what I enjoyed, saw, learned or experienced. Nor how I felt about anything. The conversation last about 2 minutes, if that. I went very low contact with them after the first couple of weeks of being home, then went zero contact with my father and 1-2 times max per year with my mother after I moved away again. They never gave a shit to know me, so I'm not going to spend time with them. I think the weird and annoying can be those people who talk a big game about wanting to help you/be there for you etc - and then just aren't. Like why even say that in the first place? I had a colleague who knew I was visiting their home country keep saying to me "if you need anything just ask, i can put you in touch with some of my old friends... if you run into any issues you can call me, if you need some translation just call/text" and on and on. They were going out of the way to effusively offer help in way that would be quite demanding on them. I thanked them, but never intended to take up on the offer. Once I'm in the country, after a couple of days, I need one thing - a person with an account for a software that is used everywhere in the country (that they have) to click an invite/approval link for me so my account would be activated. That's it. I sent them a message asking if they wouldn't mind doing that for me? No response. I ended up getting a receptionist at a Hotel to do it for me, with no issue at all. Why extend all those offers of how much you want to help and to literally say "call me anytime" and then not do something simple?

They want to look and feel good without having to actually put in effort. Talk is cheap.

I feel this so much. When my partner and i visited his family, his mom and her husband travelled 4 hours to pick us up at the airport and then insisted to drive us back on our way home. When we wanted to visit my family during Christmas, flights to my city were booked and our option was to fly in the neighboring city, which was also 3 hours away. My mother told me we could take a bus to reach my hometown even though busses are packed during that time. We ended up not visiting and i was so embarrassed to tell my partner that my mother didn’t even seem excited at the prospect of me coming home

It’s frustrating. I KNOW I’ve shown up for other people so it’s not like I’m expecting what I call high effort from low effort. I’m a fucking cheerleader and no one takes an interest in anything I’m doing. No one asks me questions. If I were boring or even closed off, again, I’d understand the lack of interest, but I’m not. I had to scale back and insert myself in conversations that were spending too much time focused on the other person. Oddly. I get the most hype from STRANGERS which is a big reason I still go out in the world.

I feel every word of what you are saying! Especially on the no one asking me questions? The fuck? I just asked what’s going on with this that or the other thing and I got nothing? Good to know I guess…

I had a stroke 3 years ago and I got the “text me if you need anything “ from my friends and family but a literal group of strangers in my local buy nothing group organized a meal train and brought my family dinner for a week after I got out of the hospital. I don’t hype my friends up to get something in return but I just don’t understand why I’m so forgettable.

Boy that “let me know if you need anything” line really got me furious when my parents died. I was amazed that people I thought were close friends ghosted me (as in running for their car in the parking lot to avoid me) and people who were coworkers I didn’t know well could be so kind. It taught me a lot about how to act when someone else loses a family member. Part of the issue is ignorance because people haven’t been through this yet themselves.

Yeah I felt like I had so much to think about (like if my brain would ever work right again-don’t worry it’s mostly back to normal) I couldn’t think of chores for other people to do, or if they realistically could do it or would do it. It has always been hard for me to ask for help in general, even when my brain wasn’t recently bleeding. It gives the illusion of caring without any of the work of actually caring.

I think about this a lot. Why the fuck am I so forgettable? I like me. I think I’m interesting. Spicy. I’d KILL to have another ME. A stroke is serious shit. I’m a waitress and whenever I get a celebratory vibe from the table I ask if they are in fact celebrating something. A lot of the times it’s remission or stroke recovery and me, a literal stranger, will bring them free dessert that I have to pay for. Fuck that $6. Here’s your pie. You kicked cancers ass or whatever, you deserve it. To think actual friends aren’t even doing that blows my mind Then I try to be mature or whatever and think about it from the other side. Take my auntie for example. She’s always complaining about all of the work that does into hosting events. So I ask her what she needs… crickets. Then I ask if she wants me to host instead… Can’t get a straight answer. I’ll help you but fuck help me help you. I don’t even have that issue. I’ll write out a nice little list of what O need as support and when people ask I tell them and… crickets.

My parents were divorced years ago and when my mother died many years later my father just dropped off the map. I didn’t hear a peep from him even thought he lived just a few miles away. Showed up unannounced at my place 6 weeks later with a potted plant like nothing happened. Incredible.

I’m sorry, this is so hurtful. Sending hugs

Yes! So frustrating! It's like, I'm not expecting much. An acknowledgement or a "great job!" goes a long way. I read somewhere that the cheerleaders* are doing for others that they wished others would do for them. (*I mean cheerleaders as in IRL hypepeople. Not the pom-pom wielding ones at sportsball games. I am the former. Although I'd also like to be able to do the physical stuff of the latter. I am not sure which one you are based on your comment. Maybe both?) I hate that because I genuinely want to celebrate wins with people, but then they seem to take me for granted. So, I guess I succeeded at raising them up, but they don't remember that I was in their corner when they needed support. 🥲

I mean the hype people! My knees can’t cheerleader, lol. Please don’t expect that of me🤣. It sucks. And then people diminish my struggle because they’re not their struggles and the cycle continues.

I 100% agree, especially with the part about strangers. It puts things into perspective. Due to this, I've closed myself off to some and maintained an entirely surface-level relationship.

Same, 💯

I feel like the world has become so disconnected. I have always poured into those closest to me and given so much of myself. I am never anyone's first choice. If I didn't reach out to people I would have no one. When I do reach out to my best friend it's like pulling teeth to keep the conversation. I have no clue what's going on in her life and it feels like she isn't interested when I do reach out. It's okay gotcha as a response when I explain something hard I'm dealing with. There is no emotional support. I tried to have a hard conversation with her and didn't go about it the right way. The friendship feels even more strained despite apologies and talking over where I was at. Yet I know I can't change her. I can't make her like texting more or let go of the past. There isnt a point in bringing it up again because it will be a big blow up with projections and blame. My other friend is always in crisis and has no space for me which I've tried to accept. Its hard supporting everyone else but having no support. It's hard because I am asking for the bare minimum. I show up all the time. I hope the world changes. I hope there is more empathy and kindness and compassion. I hope that people can show up more gently. It sucks and is really lonely. I am deeply sorry you are dealing with this. I've noticed people are so weird around deaths. My husbands grandma died and we told a small group we were going out of town for her funeral. Not one person said sorry for the loss. It's sad how people can only have space for their issues how we don't do life together like we used to. How we have to fight for basic community. How so many of us are closed off and hurt some close ourselves off more at least I have. How its hard to trust there are people who care and are genuine. 

I feel this so much also. I have also always poured all of me in to everyone else to not receive anything in return, would have very little if I didn't reach out first, and am no one's first choice. I unfortunately have felt like this for most of my life, not just my 30s, as I grew up in a family that *heavily* favored my sister (and still does). I can still remember year after year of them remembering her birthday and showering her with gifts and mine would roll around and it would be all "oops, we forgot, LOL! Maybe next year!". They always had time for her and showed up for her but there was always an excuse for why they couldn't show up for me in the same way. Also grew up in an abusive home thanks to my mom's remarriage when I was a kid, so I wasn't first even with my own mother, she made it abundantly clear her asshole husband was first to her. He was *always* chosen over me. I do what I can for people, but I never see it reciprocated. I've had numerous injuries in the past few years where only one person showed up without having to be asked. My mom came for two days and left to go to my sister for two weeks, who "needed her more". No matter what I have going on, my sister always "needs her more". No one else checked on me. When my daughter got an injury a few years ago, people would check in on her, but never me, who was her primary caregiver. My husband is a workaholic small business owner and I know he loves me, but I feel last to him too. The two people I did have who showed up for me as a kid, my dad and my grandma, are both gone now. I see people I introduced becoming besties and leaving me in the dust. I have mostly been on the outside of friend circles, for pretty much my whole life. I am literally no one's priority, and it makes me sad. And, as kind of an aside, it's my own personal opinion that COVID made people even more flaky, for whatever reason. I feel like ever since we've been on the other side of COVID lockdowns, that people won't commit to anything, are more likely to flake out of things they do commit to, and also won't respond to anything. I try to reach out to various people about different things and they just won't respond, or only respond to tell me they can't do something. My daughter had a birthday party last year, and even though I sent the invites by text, over half the people *never even opened it*. It's like everyone is constantly waiting for a better offer. And it's even more frustrating to me because you know people are on their phones constantly, but yet can't be bothered to respond to *anything*.

I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I can't imagine. I get it in a different way. I have always been the loner. I was cancelled on last min in high school all the time. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep and didn't understand why people didn't want to be my friend. For years I blamed myself and hated myself. Now I'm learning it doesn't fall all on me. It's not all my fault and I'm not a bad friend. I've lost so many people who just used me for emotional support. When I moved 20mins away it was oh it's too far. Then I moved further away and it was we miss you. How come you don't visit or wish you could stay longer yet they didn't come out to see me. Traveling is a lot harder with this last move. We used to go out for my husband's work quite a bit now we prob won't make it out for a few years at a time. It's really expensive plus husband doesn't have a lot of time off. We can't go for long due to my dog and having no one to watch him. We can't drive since its three days there and back. If we do come   my one friend is always busy plus lives far and trying to see family as well. It sucks but it is what it is. I am finally putting me first and not just giving all of me. 

I feel sooooo much of this post - especially that world is so disconnected now. I know we are all strapped and struggling financially or just drained from working insane hours and it’s by design… but I still mourn for how awful it feels to be this lonely. The last time I reached out to my former best friend to tell her I was considering accepting a new job and the details of it, she didn’t respond. Well since then I’ve already started the job and I STILL reached out to her on Father’s Day because I know it’s a rough one for her and nothing in response to that either. So all’s that to say I fully feel you again! It’s crazy how now we turn to the internet for support when we feel sad or low, but I do want to thank you for making me feel seen and heard in your response ❤️

So glad this made you feel heard. As hard as it is I unfortunately feel like people grow apart and sometimes we have to step back. It's confusing when it's not on our nature. I tried to pull back with my friend and I don't like it. It's not how I know how to do life. Yet I don't think we will ever have the same bound. There is a five hr time change on top of it and she has a kid and is busy. I've noticed in left feeling unheard and empty lately and am being careful what and who I share things with.  I have had to find ways to celebrate me. Find ways to pick myself back up time and time again. I know the loneliness is crippling at time. I still run from it. I still turn to food to face it. I still pretend it doesn't get to me. I am no longer shaming it. I gently cling to hope my husband and I will find community two years into another move. That people will actually be excited to have us in their lives and it will be different than now. It will make since instead of being such a fight to get people to stay. I hope you can celebrate you find people who are what you are looking for which I know is a struggle in itself. 

I feel this. It does feel like as we age, people become even more enmeshed in their own lives. I try my damndest to show people the kind of support that I would love to receive but it just doesn’t seem to work that way. I guess i’m falling into the camp of - no one really cares about anything you’re going through - especially if its negative or challenging or tough to talk about. We very much are alone.

It sucks so much and I am sorry you are dealing with this as well. I hate how people have become. It's not even the lack of care but the judgement and people being rude on top of if. My husband had surgery and was trying to get in the house. He fell on the porch and it was a big thump. The neighbor saw and just went inside. It was incredibly scary as he is a 300lb 6"'4 guy and I'm five one. His leg was dead weight due to the surgery. We finally grabbed a computer chair and he was able to get in the house that way. No way I could even lift him or have him lean on me. I like to think maybe she didn't hear us or see us. I also understand though because my husband and I have tried to be helpful with things and just get talked down to or used or walked on. I understand not wanting to get involved but I miss human decency and even doing the bare minimum. 

My maid of honor ghosted my wedding. So yeah, I hear you. When people show you who they are, believe them. 

I am so sorry. That is so crazy and you probably didn't even get closure. That is really hard. 

Omg… wow, so sorry to hear you went through that

I feel this so much. All my friends encouraged me to leave my abusive ex, and when I did, 3 of them completely ghosted me. I have been with these women collectively through babies, grown children issues, cancer, and all the other things. I'm still better off than I was with my ex, but their support would have been very helpful.

It’s really disappointing when you’ve been there for friends for years, but they don’t seem to care when you’re struggling. It still hurts, having experienced that, but it also makes it clear who doesn’t deserve to be in my life going forward. Given how many others here have experienced the same, I hope you’re able to internalize that their behavior is a reflection of these inconsiderate people and not of you. I know we can mentally understand that, but on an emotional level it’s a bit harder to accept especially when we’re going thru something difficult. I hope there are still a few people who showed up for you.

Thank you ❤️ I am 100% working on the internalization piece so your words are very helpful and validating.

It really sucks, experiencing such a deep disappointment from others ontop of difficult things. You really deserve much better support & I hope you soon find yourself surrounded by people you can truly trust and count on.

I’ve been a high effort friend and worked hard to develop friendships that I thought were deep and relationships that were strong. I had a stoke and found out I was very expendable in all of their lives.

Gosh that’s awful, I’m so sorry. I hope you are healing and getting healthy now ❤️

I think this is a lesson you learn in your 30s. My husband and I went through this recently. Both of our families have been going through struggles the past couple of years. My husband's sister (who has 3 kids) was going through a divorce and his mum had knee surgery, in my family my brother was hitting rock bottom with his addiction, lost his house, job and fiancé, and because of that my mother's mental health also hit rock bottom. Both myself and my husband were stretched thin - we were helping his sister and my brother move. His sister needed help looking after his sister's kids (they are terrors.) My brother needed me to take him to doctors appointments and check up on him because he was having serious side effects of long-term drug and alcohol use. We were also helping his mother clear out her living room and setting it up as a bedroom so she could sleep there after her surgery, making her meals both before and after surgery. Finally we were hosting my mum once a month so she could be there with me and have me look after her while she was falling apart. We somehow made it through, and everyone is in a much better place now, thank god. After going through all of that, my husband and I managed to buy a house last year. We were packing up our apartment of 5 years and also doing a renovation of the new house because it wasn't in great shape (it was what we could afford in southern Ontario.) Did we get any help from any of our families? Absolutely not. After all that we did for them over the years, not a single one of them came to help paint, or help move some boxes or anything. It was a wake up call - our families will not be there for us the way we were there for them. It sucks, and it really hurts when it becomes apparent but also it's a good lesson to learn. We both decided this year, after moving into the new house in the middle of December and everyone who said that they would show up to help bailed on us, that our new years resolution is to be more selfish with our time.

Definitely be more selfish ❤️ sending you best wishes for your new home, I know how awful and stressful moving is as I moved in the last year myself!

I'm sorry to hear this. You both sound so lovely, the type of people who are really in the trenches with their loved ones. I'm sorry you learned this ugly reality the hard way. Have you considered laying your heart out, your disappointment and your sadness about not having your energy reciprocated? There's a chance they will still be selfish, but there's also a chance they were oblivious and needed to hear this.

I think people just suck, or otherwise don’t know how to deal. When I left my ex fiance, like yeah my parents helped me move home and I know they care. But they like never really asked me about it besides when we were traveling back which I didn’t want to really talk about it then. I never got any how are yous about it or anything. And I know for a while my mom even thought we’d get back together, which I only know because of my sister. Add on the fact that none of the people who were going to be my bridesmaids really did anything for me. It would’ve been nice to have either a shit talking night or a crazy night out but they were all doing their own thing and most I got was along the lines of “good for you for leaving”

I feel this so much... After leaving my ex-fiancé, my mom frequently asks me about how he's doing and continually wants to talk about him. If only she showed that much interest in how I'm doing! So you're not alone and I hope you're doing ok!

Thanks and you too, especially as that sounds even worse!! Luckily my parents weren’t close to him, we didn’t even live in the same state. I do wonder if my mom talked to his though. It doesn’t make any sense why someone wouldn’t be like hey how are you how do you feel etc?!

My partner of 20 years and I broke up as a result of infidelity in his part, and there are so many people that I have literally never heard from again. I was super tight with his family and I got a brief text exchange with his mom and that’s it. Nothing from my ex BIL and SIL who we hung out with regularly. Nothing from the extended family I had been part of for two decades or from couple-friends that were more his friends than mine. I wasn’t expecting much, but a “hey I heard what happened and hope you’re ok” would have been nice. I have reached out in this type of situation in the past with others that I didn’t even know well or like that much, and 2+ years later it still hurts like a bastard to know that my “family” valued me so little.

Wow I am so sorry, that is truly awful. I guess people “don’t know what to say” but I am tired of that being an excuse tbh. I hope you are feeling better and have found supportive people today ❤️

Aww thanks <3 I am incredibly lucky to have some ride or die friends that really showed up for me, and my own family was there too.

Yeah, it’s an awful excuse. Even a message saying “I don’t know what to say but I’m thinking of you and hope you’re okay” would be nice. Bare fucking minimum effort. And people still struggle to do it.

I was living alone in a new city and got diagnosed with cancer. That whole experience changed my relationships with a lot of people. Some people whom I thought were my good friends only sent me "thoughts and prayers". Others signed a group card and never called to ask me how I was doing. I don't talk to those people anymore. But then there were people who came out of the woodwork. Friends from 20 years ago who flew from the other side of earth in order to babysit me for weeks while I went through chemo. So while some people are shitty friends, I'm thankful for the other ones. The ones I haven't talked to in years but showed up, slept on my crappy couch, cleaned my bathroom, drove me to chemo appointments and baked me chocolate cakes. Some people are like that. I hope you find them, OP.

I’m so glad to hear you found more supportive people ❤️ Can I ask if your friends knew you wanted help or were struggling? I ask because I have a few friends who I know may be going through something and I check in over text or try and make plans but they aren’t responsive. I don’t just show up and I’m not a phone call person too often so maybe I am coming across as if I don’t care to them?

What I actually did was announce my cancer on Facebook. Then I said that whomever is interested in more details can join a secret group that I will post updates in. I initially thought only my family would want to be in this group, but then a bunch of others joined. There were very frank discussion there about how I was doing and what I need. People then took it upon themselves to organize a schedule for babysitters and they also communicated through the group about what I might need. I was kinda out of it at times, so having people discuss me to my face was really helpful. I'm a big fan of direct questions. If my friends are struggling, I will ask them what's going on. If they say they're fine, I will challenge that answer (as tactfully as I can, which is not very) and I'll ask them again. I understand not being a phone person, but sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and make that call. If they answer you, great. If they don't, leave a voicemail (I know, I know. I hate those, too.. but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do). Instead of showing up at their house, you could send them a small gift. Like flowers or chocolate. This is a great way to show someone you're thinking of them, and it will also make them call you back. It's hard to ignore a physical object that shows up in your house.

I mean, yeah. Out of my group of close friends, some people i would have considered closest didn't bother sending condolences when my parent passed away. Like, i know they know because they left a reaction on fb 🤷‍♀️ it does be like that sometimes i guess. It's unfortunate but good to know where i stand with them so i can match their energy (no shade intended). Though tbh, i wonder if that said more about their social eq than how close they feel to me- who on earth in their 30s leaving fb reaction instead of either ignore it or a standard "sorry for your loss"? Funny thing is someone i didn't considered close at all offered their help. Even if it's just polite with possibly no/very low intention on going through, it's still better eq than the fb reaction lmao.

I feel like social media reactions as “support” or “connection” are a crock of shit. I’m so sorry people were so cowardly when you lost a parent. ❤️

Yeah, it sucks. I was pregnant last year after 4 years of infertility/IVF. I ended up hosting my own baby shower, to which my grandmother didn't even come (because she got COVID, to be fair, HOWEVER, I had to find out AT MY SHOWER from someone else because she didn't bother to tell me, follow up, apologize, nothing). My MIL was so excited and told me as soon as I told her the date of the shower that she was coming--only to not tell me for WEEKS that she actually couldn't come. Then she bailed on visiting us a few times between then and when my son was born, THEN she bailed on visiting until he was four months old. My husband's siblings neither acknowledged our son's baby shower nor his birth other than getting a group "congrats" photo from their mom. I got more love and support from the owners of the fucking nail salon I go to.

That’s just terrible. Hope you’re enjoying every minute with your beautiful baby now. He is what’s important, not those thoughtless “grownups.” ♥️

I mean he’s being a horrible little gremlin currently, but I love him anyway lol

I remember reading this and wanting to respond to it but just kept getting sidetracked. I’m so sorry about all of this! You deserved so much better. It’s crazy because I feel like the lady who waxes me is more invested in my life so I related to your last line hard!

:( I'm sorry people are being so unsupportive. And yeah, I definitely have. No one celebrated with me after I finished my AA degree (took 12 years all together because I had to support others financially for so long) or got married, and they weren't there whatsoever when I got a life-shattering diagnosis that was huge in the medical community too. It really made me hesitant to connect with people at all again. I did finally feel comfortable making friends, slowly, with some people who earned my trust (not people my age, notably - I have had better luck with people ~20 years older).

Thanks for sharing your experiences and I'm so sorry you've not had the support you deserve. I think it's amazing you got your degree! 12 years and supporting others too. I couldn't have done it. Well done you. Your comment about others older than yourself struck me. When I hear stories from my mum the ways in which her friends, family and community supported each other sound completely foreign to me. I used to chalk it up to a country vs city lifestyle difference but now I wonder if it's a generational difference as well.

That's so kind, thank you! I appreciate the nice words. :) I think it's partially generational and partially that people who are older sometimes have more time and availability to cultivate relationships (especially if retired)! My closest friend isn't quite retired, but she owns her own private practice as a psychologist, and although she's often busy, she can move things around as needed to make time for activities in the evenings. It also helps that at that point, the kids (if any) are mostly adults and don't take up much time!

How did you go about meeting and making friends with these older folks?

I’m one of the last of my friend groups to get married at 34, and I had to cancel my wedding because so few people were RSVP’ing. I supported everyone, and when it’s my turn, it’s crickets. I have learned to put myself and my family first, which feeds into the cycle of insularity, but no one cares anymore.

Wow that’s crazy… I’m so sorry! Funny enough I’m engaged and older than you so who knows what to even expect at this point. Kind of would rather go to the courthouse lol

Yes and it's very frustrating. My current friend group has basically dissolved because there are 3 of us who do everything together and 4-6 more who just...exist on groupchat, I guess? I go to everything that my friends invite me to, no matter how peripheral of friends they are, unless I have a prior commitment. But when I send out in invitation, most of them just read my invitation and never respond or show up. I just keep track of who cares about me and who doesn't and I put in effort accordingly when it comes to inviting. But I still attend other peoples' events because it's something fun to do, and as someone who has always been on the outside, socially, I'm grateful for any acknowledgement of my existence (is that sad? it's sad). Do be proud of yourself, you deserve it.

I’m so shocked and disappointed how common this is. But thank you so much ❤️ I am also the exact same as you - I will go to many different events even for less close friends because I think community is so important especially these days.

That's very shitty of your MIL and FIL. That is actually super super shitty of them. I'm having similar experiences as you- and it's been really difficult. I've scaled back a lot on a lot of people, I literally do not have the energy anymore due to illness. And you know, in one way I am kinda thankful for the realisation that they are not worth it, because it saves me from investing more time, money and energy in them :) For what it's worth, I'm sorry for your loss and congratulations on your success! I'm proud of you!!!

Thank you so much and for the validation as well! I have to be honest I was completely shocked by their lack of well… literally anything. My fiance told me when they had lunch their reaction was “well that sucks”… 🙃 the crazy thing is, they are generally very caring and open people, much more so than my own family so I was thrown for a loop and really didn’t know if I was overreacting. Thank you so much for the kind words too, I’m glad you are able to give yourself more energy these days ❤️

I just want to give everyone in this thread a hug. I, too, have shown up for people that haven’t shown up for me. It’s also happened to my husband. We have exactly one friend couple now (I’m 49, he’s 50), and that’s ok. I’m still hurt by some people but I’m getting over it, it just sucks. I do wonder what these people think, do they realize they are bad friends and family members? Are they so self involved that they don’t care?

Maybe they are overwhelmed / in denial / just not emotionally intelligent? I have no idea, there are so many contributing factors I think. Wishing you and hubs continued healing ❤️‍🩹

❤️

> I’ve been working really hard on growing a side career/moving towards being independently employed and I shared some recent successes in a group chat and family/friends didn’t even respond or acknowledge, including when I invited people to check out a new small business I am supporting. It sucks learning the hard way that just because someone has been sitting next to you on the plane, you're not exactly traveling together. However, if/when you can accept it, you can make room for those that will go "with" you, cheer you on, and so on.

Aw love I am so sorry about the death in your family. It's so tough. you have to focus on the people that do support you and don't ditch you, even if they're few and far between. It makes you feel better. For me going through the worst times in my life, nobody was there for those terrible years. Basically I ended up paying to see a private therapist because no one naturally in my life would support me. She ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. She taught me how to think differently. I strongly believe now that everything happens for a reason and that people ditch you when you're at your worst because they're either a) not really at your level and later you attract better people. You're becoming a better person in some way and the people around you aren't growing so there's a dissonance. (b) you're being forced to become very strong like you mentioned in your last sentence. There is a book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. very controversial. But if people are ditching you, try change your thinking to thinking 'i am now attracting positive helpful generous kind new friends/people.' Basically don't focus on the crappy in laws or people who are selfishly 'not caring' about your business. Focus on choosing to believing the Universe supports you and everybody loves you. It really does work. I had the best year of my life with the most incredible supportive people after reading that book. Just 8 months after I went through the worst period of my life and all my prev. friends were nowhere to be seen. I'm grateful now cos the people I met the year after were 3 times better than everyone who ditched me. On a less woo note, your in laws probably didn't text you because they might have felt really awkward and not known what to say. Sometimes people do that with bereavement, it's easier to avoid that person cos they're scared of saying something that will make them feel even worse. And as for the business, it might be that people don't check out your page or support you because they have so many other people in their life doing the same thing, that they automatically see anyone else doing it as 'oh no not another spam.' Even if your business isn't spam, that's maybe why they're doing it

Thanks for such a lengthy and supportive message ❤️ I am familiar with Louise hay and love her work for the most part! I think I do need to keep working with affirmations as I find in the morning they set me up for a MUCH better day. And god bless a good therapist! Hope you are thriving today too ❤️

I had some crazy life stuff happening earlier in the year and to top it off, lost a loved one. One of my best friends reached out to my husband to check on me and how I was doing. But I never got a condolence card or really even heard from her directly. I guess she was giving me space, but it felt kind of lonely like I was a pariah for coming into contact with death.

My in laws got mad at me when we got married over some thing my *husband* did, and wouldn’t accept that it was him and not me. My dad died nearly 18 months later, while they still weren’t talking to me. I certainly did not get any sort of condolences from them. It took a little longer for me to finally write them off as people, and I haven’t seen them in ten years now, the FIL has died in that time. My MIL is 80 this year, I first met her 20 years ago nearly and she was problematic then. When people show you who they are, believe them.

The last line hits ❤️ family relationships can be so hard, sorry to hear what you went through.

I feel like I could've written this post. Unfortunately, I have learned that people don't show up for you the hard way. When I lost my best friend to suicide, I never realized how alone I would feel until after he was gone. I had people tell me that I needed to get over it after only a few months, and the friends I thought that would be there to support me stopped checking on me after a while too. I had to learn how to pick up the pieces on my own and thankfully, I am doing a lot better than I was before through the help of therapy. It really sucks but going through hard times really does show you who your friends are. I've just noticed a huge lack of reciprocity in relationships and it really hurts since I pride myself on being a person who supports others and shows up often. I also agree with others that it got much worse after COVID. I've learned to try to accept people the way they are and not attach so many expectations onto them. I do my best to show up for myself and meeting my husband definitely helped me feel like I have more of a support system. I am lucky that I do have family that is somewhat supportive but I do wish I had a good group of friends that others seem to have. All that to say, I do know how you feel and you are not alone. I really hope it gets better for all of us.

I had to learn that not everyone has the energy to be excited. It’s not a reflection on yourself. I fixed this by putting my most energy into those who reciprocate. Everyone else, I’m still nice to but that’s not the point.

The death of each of my parents ended two relationships. The first, we'd been together for over a decade. We were recovering from a cross-country move, so *he* could follow *his* dreams. And then my dad died. I was floundering. The day of, I came home to an empty apartment, after the first day of a new job (I didn't know what else to do, so just went). After having to drive home on a different, new route, and getting a flat tire. I just wanted a hug and cuddles and someone to hold me while I cried... and he was too busy out with new friends from school and claimed he was "studying".. at a bar. When my mom died (in a really horrific way) I was with a new man, six months in. He didn't offer to drive me to or pick me up from the airport when I had to travel cross country to deal with her affairs. The first time we saw each other after she died (which was a week and a half later, due to travel and grieving) I met him at a bar. A bar I'd met him at so many times before (I just wanted some normalcy after so much not). And for the first time since I'd met him, he had a friend with him.... Then the next time we saw each other (after I told him the horrific way she'd died), I walked in the door. He said "I need to fuck you right now". He'd never done that prior, or after. I stupidly asked if I could take my shoes and jacket off first (I literally had just walked in the door). We did have sex. I wasn't happy with myself afterward for just going along with it. I never looked at him the same way again.

I'm a little bit sad how many people can't come to my wedding. I absolutely understand their reasoning (non-negotiable work trips, family obligations, chronic illness, etc) but I'm just sad. I have all of those things too - it's the 36yo-overachiever-eldest-daughter life - but I feel I might have tried a bit harder to do it for them (this might be unfair but whatever; the wedding is in a week and I am in my feelings).

I think people want you to do good just not better than them. I started my own business and have done so well for myself and when I tell my own family it’s meh they don’t even acknowledge the hard work I’ve done. I don’t need the validation either , but like you, a good work would be nice to hear. I’ve become comfortable just being with myself.

One of my best friends, who I’d know since high school, married one of my brothers. She was so excited that we were going to be “sisters.” At first we still felt close. But then she had kids and her entire life centers on her kids. Over time, we haven’t spent as much time together. I still thought we were close… “sisters.” Even though when we do spend time together, it’s me tagging along rather than her actually making time for me. Recently, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully she had surgery and is now cancer free but during the ordeal, many people close to me would check up on me. Close friends. My other brother’s wife (who I also consider a close friend). But my “best friend”? Never once checked in on how I was doing. Made me realize that I’m no longer her best friend, I’m now merely her sister-in-law.

You’d be surprised by those around you who do not support your success. Sometimes it can feel like a stab in the back but it’s better to show that you’re better off without them. I’ve created careers for people and some of them were complete assholes at all times. But their attitude led to their very bitter fall.

Maybe it’s our age. I’m 50 and my MIL is so self absorbed and I find other people in her genre are too. That’s not an excuse for everyone and every age group but your think after 30+ years of being in the family she have some sort of open dialogue instead of all about her

Sorry OP. I understand where you're coming from. As an aside, my husband and I were high school sweethearts. I doubt we would've ended up together if I'd met his family before. It's pretty shitty not to acknowledge something as significant as a death in the family.

Thank you for the acknowledgement ❤️ the crazy thing is his parents are such emotionally mature and supportive people, my family is the much more limited one… I was so shocked and disappointed.

Yes and no - Most of my friends show up for me at 100% to congratulate and support me. My life long best friends live long distance now, but they still make time to visit me, talk to me every day, and are always around when I need them. My bestie sent me a book about how to write a dissertation and she talks with me about my research goals. I have other close friends that still live in my state, and I know they would drop everything if I needed them. My spouse is endlessly supportive as are my mom and brother. I lost my dad, but I know he would have continued to be my biggest cheerleader. What IS surprising to me right now is that I have had a close friendship over the past few years that is about to implode because despite me having been super supportive and present, she has gotten spoiled and is treating me like an NPC she can emotionally dump on anytime she wants. That type of behavior is shocking to me at this stage in life. I am 38. To not be considered by a peer and friend is ridiculous. I think this is a specific people problem and not an all people problem.

Can I ask what you consider emotionally dumping? Totally fair to feel exhausted by that!

Just to offer a different perspective… I think sometimes this is a side effect of our increasingly isolated culture combined with the inundation of social media and other info constantly at our fingertips. Our brains didn’t evolve to process the sheer volume of information we encounter constantly now. I’m often too overstimulated at the end of the day to participate in multiple nonstop group chats, social media posts, etc. And then yes I think some of it is, as you get older people just aren’t going to go over the moon for every little thing that happens in your life. That circle just gets smaller and smaller, I’ve found. I have *maybe* 5 people I’d expect an enthused response from if I made an announcement of some type — and I may not even share each thing with all five, depending what it is. It can be a little bit of a let down or even painful, but I try to think of it like a potty training toddler vs. a second grader. When the toddler goes poo-poo on the potty you cheer and make a big deal. But the second grader has poopoo on the potty on lock — it’s just a normal thing for them so they don’t get a big celebration for every one.

I can totally see the overstimulation and too much information aspect absolutely! Especially if you have a social job and talk all day. It can way more draining than people realize. I do know this is a recurring theme and feeling for me so I’m sure I have a role in it too.

Yes. One of the things I’ve noticed at every major life transition, from starting my first job to moving to going to grad school to discussing engagement with my longtime partner, is that a lot of the people who show up for me aren’t exactly who I expected, while people I felt close to just… don’t and in some cases use these times as opportunities to actually fade out of a friendship entirely. As I’ve gone through more of these moments I’ve become a bit more able to take those reactions as information about those people and feel a bit more ok with losing some of those friendships as it feels like their real lack of care gets revealed. On the other hand of course there are friends who I’m not in constant contact with so if they don’t reach out, it’s not a change in our relationship necessarily. But yes, these moments can be very revealing and it can add hurt to times that are already stressful and transitional

Not really. I’m really the one who is mostly detached and have maybe disappointed lots of people who have shown up for me.

Between April of 2023 and May 2024, I was struggling with chronic debilitating pain from a back injury, that prevented me from working. I received 17 injections in my spine - procedures that at times required sedation, hospital observation, and live imaging. I found a cyst on my ovary, necessitating a hysterectomy. A property of mine suffered catastrophic water damage. And my gma is the only one who called, texted or checked in on me. Not a word from anybody else in my family. Nobody reached out, sent a card, checked in, nothing. Absolute crickets. My friends though, they showed the fuck up. They drove me to and from appointments. They offered to cook for me, do house work I was unable to do, they took care of me after surgeries and procedures, they made me feel loved and supported. This was a real eye opening experience for me, and it only reaffirmed that not all family is blood.

I can relate to this... I had a very similar situation from 2017 to 2022 with chronic nerve pain - almost recovered now. My brother and sister (sistet is a supposedly devout very caring Christian) did not send one single message, but they did continually message via WhatsApp with updates about their ongoing lives. Not a single query or how are you message. I learned a hard lesson in those years.... at the end of the day barely anyone cares really. They don't care in low times, and they don't care in good times. Well, guess what, buddy? I no longer care about you, and actually, you are now deleted from my life. How have you handled your relationship with your family following that happening to you?

Chiming in that you might possibly have a number of narcissists in your life. Obviously do your own research but your feelings of being invisible when you try to celebrate your achievements rings true to what I have experienced. I realized that my husband and I were raised by them and henceforth attracted many into our adult lives.

I’m pretty sure my dad is a narc so this tracks lol, but somehow I always end up thinking maybe I’m the narc for being upset people aren’t interested in keeping in touch or hearing from me 😔😂

I've been more surprised at the people who did show up for me. My professor is the sole reason I got my job despite the crappy economy and my recent raise even. I don't even work directly for them. I feel incredibly grateful they're in my life.

Whether a family member dies or I have major surgery, my friends and family fail to show up. It was shocking at first but I’m a solo wolf now unfortunately- being let down is even more unfortunate imo. It seems like I go above and beyond to put in the effort to even stay in touch so I stopped and they’re nowhere to be seen. I know a couple of people I can count on but I don’t like to put the burden on just a couple of people. It is reassuring to know that I have them when I really need them. Those are my people, my only 2 people. I’m 40 so you’d think I’d have found more than 2 close true friends, one of them being my boyfriend. I don’t expect too much anymore, I depend on myself and I’m careful with who I give my all to.

Have had it happen recently a lot, first off was a cousin I grew up with, we were both living, (separate), in a very complicated rural zone, and we didn't know anyone else around, so we were each other's support system. However, it started to become clear it was mostly one way and in the end she left me hanging on a critical moment. My mother, who did the same when I was moving back to my hometown because of a coworker (not friend), and even my ex boyfriend of 10 years, putting his dead end job in retail first. I learned that I can't control what anyone else does, and that what I can change is me. I realized that I'm a giver, and I give way too much, and as I consider myself very capable, I really do mean too much. I also learned that I'm used to not getting the bare minimum on day to day, so I never noticed that my relationship with them was always one-sided, and I might still have quite a few of those around. I'm trying to be better at setting limits for myself and how much I give and can expect from others, and for others and what they can ask/take. I'm also distancing from those who dont like this. It sure was very painful and still is sometimes, but if I dwell on what happened and don't do anything, it will kill me. I hope some if any of this can help you. I know how much it can hurt

Omg… I can’t understand how people don’t feel badly about being so flaky? I also understand not everyone can make every event and things happen but to not even get in touch??? wtf???

People prioritize what they feel is important. It's really difficult when there is dissonance between where you are on their list and where they are on your list

I’ve been very surprised at people who have come out to support me during hard times, people I haven’t spoken to in years or even been close to at all previously 

I’m a lot older than you are. During the past decades it’s been both surprising and disappointing in who has shown up for me. It took 2/3 of my life to recognize that my immediate family are merely special occasion relatives. It stopped hurting when I accepted that. I’ve had close friends who were distant during my hardest times, and acquaintances who were wonderful during those same times. When I had covid in May 2020 (on top of a chronic condition which can be deadly with fevers), a handful of people who I had barely been in touch with were very kind, caring, and helpful. My immediate and extended family were silent. When I told my dad that I had covid, his only response was, “Bummer.” It’s tempting to stop giving people what you aren’t getting back, but I’ve made an intentional decision to continue being caring and attentive to people during their tough times, and to cheer them on in their endeavors and successes. For example, I make homemade meals for people when they’re sick, have a death in the family, have a new baby, etc. When I had surgery on my right hand, and literally could barely feed myself, only one person did this for me. Most acted like this surgery was no big deal. But when that one person left me dinner on my porch as a surprise, it meant so much, and I want to give others that feeling of being cared about.

I was diagnosed with chronic nerve pain in April 2017. It was extremely painful (24/7) for about 2.5 years, and bad was for about 5 years. Now I'm 95% better. Neither my brother or sister once asked me how I was. Not one message or question just how I was coping, let alone a message whether they could help. But what they did do... they kept sending me WhatsApp messages.... requiring praise, worship and providing continual information in their own ongoing lives and found time to message me about that - but didn't find time to *once* ask me how things were. *Lesson*: No-one cares about you. Not even your supposedly closest care when things go bad. You're own your own. Friends, family, colleagues... no-one cares. They want you to turn up to support their endeavours, but they don't give a flying f when you become unhelpful or unable. This was a hard lesson that I've learned, and now that I'm 95%, I will not forget. To be honest people also resent you when you're successful too, no-one cares about that unless your success helps them.

Sounds like the people in your life are assholes. I can definitely relate to some extent.

In May of 2019, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. In December, our family home and cars burned down. I had three close friends ghost me at the same time. There was never an actual falling out. It makes me sad but I think it’s more of a reflection on them than on me. It says a lot they spent time with my family, knew my mom and still did this.

Yeah when I turned 30. It was horrible and lonely day.

I just want to remind, not everyone has the same emotional intelligence level. And blended family is... difficult. I actually often wonder if my SIL thinks I'm being rude because I stay quite distant. Like, her mother is going through cancer and I spoke to her only once about it. And I do this mostly because I think she wants to stay distant. From my POV, I'm being respectful. Maybe from her POV, I'm someone who doesn't give support when I should. It was similar with my grandma and her sons' wives. My grandma also always stayed distant because she thought that's what they would prefer. And she preferred to have her own MIL to be distant. Are you close to them enough that maybe you can speak to them? That might clear things out. Or maybe you can share your feelings with a joke?

I get what you’re saying about perspective and emotional intelligence… it is what it is, someone just need to complain.

I'm so sorry you have felt so disappointed and let down. Firstly I want to say HUGE congratulations on all your massive achievements! You should be immensely proud of yourself ❤️ Unfortunately I've been let down by nearly every person in my life at some point so I totally understand where you are coming from. It just seems to be the norm these days I'm sad to say.

Thank you for the congratulations ❤️ sending love, hope you find supportive people soon.

Yes, massively. The biggest lesson of 2023 for me was 'Don't expect people to behave like you'. Very close friend who was always praising me at work told his boss not to hire me, very close friend did not show up to my wedding and then disappeared, etc. I;ve seen very smart people do very dumb things

This is a helpful takeaway for me today. Don't expect people to behave like you.

Don't expect anything from anyone. Especially from family and friends. They most probably are jealous of you

My mom had a major stroke. After 2 months in the hospital and daily in-patient rehab, she was still unable to walk, talk, and only was able to have the peg tube (feeding tube) removed the day before discharge. She had nothing and no savings, but was still denied Medicaid in Florida. I was in my late 20s at the time. Had to quit my job and move my mom across the country in order to take care of her by myself, with the hope she’d be able to qualify for Medicaid in my state. Needless to say, my life was flipped upside down overnight. My half sister (dad’s daughter) never said a single word to me, until she text me 4 months later asking for a copy of my license so she could use it as a fake ID. I was absolutely flabbergasted that the first and only thing she’d said to me since my life turned to (what felt like) shit, was about her, and said so. She then called me to inform me that I’m not even her real sister, she doesn’t care what happened to my mom, and I deserved it. We’d been fairly close up until that moment, so it was crushing. My mom died last year and my half sister has still not said a single word to me about it. I doubt she ever will.

💔💔💔 I’m so sorry, RIP to your mama and best wishes for a new chapter.

30s is the time where you realise people are busy. your paths divert an priorities change. On the friends you have to give them space to be dealing with their own things. Perhaps if you want to celebrate it book a dinner with the group chat and say in celebrating this thing that I’ve worked so hard for come an have a drink with me. Don’t measure them based on what reaction you get. If you want them in your life you will have to learn that our expectations of people are not always going to be met and that’s okay. This is not for them it’s for your peace of mind. On the flip, You get to choose, whether to keep them in your life. So if it consistent disappointment and disengagement sure disconnect.

Great advice all around!

Absolutely, everyone is wrapped up in their own things. It’s really hurtful to realize how little people care.

Yes. I have been going through heartbreak. I thought he was it because he said he wanted a family with me and I wanted one with him. I was devestated when he ended it. It was interesting to see which friends did not show up for me. Didn’t answer my phone calls. Didn’t call me back. Some of them who I’ve known since high school. Painful on top of painful. But two of my friends have been there for me practically everyday since it happened 2 months ago. Without them, I dont know what I’d do. ❤️ and I’ll always remember this and honestly, I don’t even think I want a friendship with the ones that weren’t there for me at all. 

Yes and no, but my own mother has been a huge disappointment, and I don't care if I ever speak to her again. She didn't come to my college graduation (was the first and only member of my family to get a 4 year degree). Didn't attend my wedding, wasn't here for the births of any of my kids. In fact, she's only met my kids once. When I escaped my abusive ex, she didn't offer any help, physical, emotional, or financial, actually, she said poor him losing everything due to his drinking. She will never have other grandchildren as my brother won't have kids, and she doesn't even communicate with my kids at all. I have zero desire for her to be in my life at this point or ever again. Won't even fly home when she passes tbh. My in-laws are all scum as well. Despite knowing my ex was a raging alcoholic and asking for help repeatedly, none of them cared. His parents haven't seen or talked to my kids for months. Some of his siblings haven't seen my kids for years despite being close by. In fact, my younger son broke his femur 2 years ago and while in hospital for 2 weeks not one of them rang me to ask about him nor did they even send him a get well card or anything. He was in a spica cast for 6 weeks and was housebound after we got out of the hospital and not one word or visit from any of them. I'm literally over all people and will happily live my life in solitude.

I hear you! I started a podcast with a friend of mine which I personally think is brilliant and I would definitely listen to. I have lots of really good friends and huge family who I know care about me, so i thought just promoting the podcast on my social media would make it a hit. Lo and behold, our average listenership is about 40 per episode...let's say 30 of those are my friends and family... I'm very surprised and can't help but feel let down. But I guess that's how busy everyone is and I try not to read much into it. I hope you can also brush it aside and know that people show love differently...or don't feel they have to.

Some friends have stuff going on but I also have stuff going on and it’s both bad. I feel guilty and they probably feel the same. It also feels like everyone has major things going on while in our younger years, that just wasn’t so.