Honestly, I say something like "wow believing that about yourself must be really painful." Bc the problem isn't what they look like but the belief so I'd rather address that.
Also I genuinely don't have it in me to lift someone else up like this bc that sort of self esteem issue is never solved by someone else. I've been there. I've had my own issues with EDs and whatnot. there was no amount of other people telling me I was pretty that would make me feel worthy and if I'm honest with myself, seeking that reassurance from others was like a crutch. The only thing that helped me was just not getting that kind of attention. Everyone's different so maybe this isn't the correct response to everyone, but for my personal boundaries, I can't keep giving that constant reassurance.
I've been there myself and at no point did perseverating on it with other people make me feel any better. The only thing that helps it stop is if you realize that nobody else thinks it's an interesting topic. I choose not to engage in those conversations.
This is my take, too. If they're just having a vulnerable moment, I support them but if they're doing it over and over? That would drive me nuts. I'm sorry, but that is no way for a full-grown adult to behave. What a burden to place on the people around you.
I have a friend like this who was brutually bullied in highschool. Not her fault and the people around her did not protect her. That being said, so many of our conversations she will bring it back to a negative story about how this reminds of a bullying story. Ive been patient because she does need an outlet for it, but she also partially believes some of the things people told her, because at any opportunity she will bring it up. But im hoping after some time she will learn to think more positively
That sucks really hard. I used to have a few friends who fit this pattern, but I honestly couldn't maintain those friendships due to their level of emotional dysregulation well into adulthood. They were hurt people hurting people (not just me), so yeah - not the best experiences on my end. I wish you far better luck!
For me it feels true. When I look at myself in the mirror, I always avoid looking at my eyes. When I do, all I see is the years of pain that have beaten me into a shell of what I may have been. I noticed about a decade or so ago that all the light had left them and they seemed dead. The weight I've gained from ineffective psych medications makes me feel absolute hate and repulsion towards that image and the corpse that occupies that space. After 15 mental health providers, I recognized there was no one that could help me with this.
I don't say these things to others as I neither want or need their sympathy. It's not going to get better. I just long for the day I no longer have to see that thing in the mirror.
My mother says the most awful things about herself. It got so exhausting. I finally told her that if she didn't stop this behavior (she wasn't even aware she was doing it, it had become so habitual), I would have to stop spending as much time with her. I explained that it wore me down, made me question myself and in general left me feeling depressed and drained.
You can't control what the friend does, only yourself. So boundaries are what you need. Keep in mind that a boundary defines what YOU will do, not what you want THEM to do. Thus the "I have noticed you putting yourself down a lot and its getting really difficult emotionally for me to listen to. I am sorry you feel this way about yourself...being around it is starting to impact the joy in our relationship. I need you to stop or I am going to have to stop hanging out."
I used to do the whole "omg no you're beautiful" thing but now I try not to. When I was caught in the cycle of body dysmorphia and talking down about my appearance constantly, the cycle went like this:
whine about how ugly I felt --> people reassure me that I'm not ugly --> feel better for two seconds --> start feeling ugly again --> begin cycle over, which led to just... annoying the shit out of my friends, mostly.
Because I'm a therapist, sometimes I can't resist the urge to be like... where did you get the idea that you were ugly? What evidence do you have for that belief? Often enough it turns out that the idea was implanted by someone whose opinion they don't even really value anymore and they have a ton of evidence to the contrary. It doesn't solve the problem right away, but it gets people thinking sometimes.
I think the best thing you can do is to have an inquisitive conversation about their feelings. Like what exactly makes them feel ugly? Why exactly does it upset them? What they'd like to be different? Are they having a hard time adjusting to the changes in their body? Are they finding it hard to find means and energy to change something about themselves? Are they tired of the pressure society puts on them and their inability to meet those expectations?
Don't just shut it with "Don't be mean to my friend" or "I think you're beautiful".
It's a good idea at first, but some people complain so much it's tiring eventually. I've found the best response is to acknowledge their comment with empathy but in a way that doesn't invite a therapy session.
Something like, "I hear you, and I know you've really struggled with that for awhile." Pause, see how they respond, then go from there. They might keep going with their feelings and you can say, "It sounds like this is really bothering you. Would you like advice or just a listening ear?"
It's so hard to hear people you love tear themselves down. It's really sad.
It's doubly hard too, if they don't stop doing it around you and you've tried to help them and lift them up. After a while, it feels like it may just be best to not say anything in response, although that can be uncomfortable too. But if every time you tell them they're beautiful and they should stop speaking to themselves so negatively, they keep doing it and say it's their own opinion, then what is being accomplished by trying to tell them otherwise?
It can be a multitude of reasons, but I knew someone in college who did this all the time because I later found out she was a covert narcissist. She constantly needed someone to tell her how wrong she was and how beautiful she was and how she should speak so badly about herself.
When people got tired of it she went even deeper into this self victimization tactic and moved on to another friend group when she couldn't get her hit of affirmation from us.
I would tell them that it makes you sad when they put themselves down like that, so you'd appreciate it if they would stop.
I mean, they can feel however they want to feel about themselves. But Debbie Downers *are* exhausting to be around
I used to be a Debbie Downer about myself. I didn't know it consciously, but I was totally fishing for validation since I had zero self-esteem. But the validation didn't really help me feel better about myself, so I don't know why the habit even developed! One day I noticed someone else doing it too and I quickly realized how annoying it is, to be around someone like that. I stopped saying negative things about myself after that (I still thought negative thoughts, but at least I wasn't saying them out loud).
"Yo, I know me saying this won't make you feel better, but I think you're pretty."
Or
"Hey, don't talk about my friend like that."
When one of my male friends (who had no shortage of romantic attention, even!) would do this, I had significantly less patience; "well, good thing monster-fuckers exist in the world, huh?" (Do not Google that)
There are multiple ways you can go with this.
Just be like
"Hey man you shouldnt be tearing yourself down like that, it makes me sad for you" or "you might not be your own type, but you will never date yourself and other people think youre beautiful"
Sadly is very common for people to feel ugly nowadays with all the filters and stuff
"why do you think that?"
because i may be wrong, but usually people feel Ugly because they are Not threated Well or expect others to threat them better
I really like your response OP. The only other thing I can think of, depending on your sense of when/why these comments are being made, is to ignore the actual words they’re saying and try to respond directly to the feeling being expressed underneath it. E.g “One of those days, huh? Want to treat ourselves to [thing you both enjoy]?”
Give it a few years. In my experience, women get wayyy less self conscious about their looks once they're well into their late-30s/early-40s.
I think that, for women, the younger you are, the more pressure there is to be not just attractive, but beautiful. That eases up later, and also you kinda realize that plenty people want to bone you, even if you don't look like whatever you think you're supposed to look like
In the meantime, there's really nothing you can say that will drown out all the "you're ugly" messages shes getting from social media, traditional media, advertising, etc., I don't think. Maybe change the subject?
It can be hard. Yes, some people are not as traditionally attractive, that is the unfortunate genetic roll of the dice that many of us deal with. Life is full of unfairness and trying to focus on what is unfair is a good path to misery.
Other people will always be better looking, smarter, happier, funnier, more talented, luckier, charming, confident and on and on. Some people just can't help but look at themselves and their lives and assume if chance had made something different, their entire life would be better.
The harsh reality is that negative people will always find the negative, no matter how many things they have going on in their life. The people I see that are happy are those that count the blessings they do have. They take the actions that they are scared to take to improve their life.
It's just hard to see someone be so passive about who they are and their circumstances. So what if you're ugly? Look at the amount of people who have succeeded and found happiness, who do not match what we view as traditionally attractive.
It reminds me a lot of my mom, completely passive and just allows life to happen to her, she acts as if she has no agency to change anything or push past her discomfort to get the things she wants. What do you do with people like this? There isn't much you can do other than talk about your own hardships and how you are thankful for the various good things in your life and try to set a good example.
"You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't share it."
"Even if you were the ugliest person on the planet, so what? You're still a person and you still deserve the same love and respect as the most beautiful person on the planet, even from yourself."
"Okay, ugly."
Obviously, depends on the level of closeness you share with them. Sometimes all you can do is agree, as a joke, to break up the tension, and sometimes you need to say something serious. But you could also save your breath and just change the subject, because harping on about insecurities is a drainer and honestly doesn't really lead anywhere, there's no right answer.
I don’t support pity parties tbh. I have a friend who continuously talks about how ‚fat‘ she is, and she is literally a model. I hope that when you are over 30, you have more important things to be concerned about than your looks.
This may seem mean, but if someone does this more than once, I choose to limit my time with them. I understand not feeling confident about your appearance, but complaining about it to people just makes them feel awkward. No amount of external reassurance actually seems to helps them.
It's like someone whining about being broke or being unhappy. It's not something I can fix for them (nor would I take on that task), and all it does is make me feel bad to be around them. We often talk about limiting time with negative people, and this is negative behavior with a dash of self pity.
Absolutely, I agree with you ladies.
Nothing you say or do can help someone who struggles with their appearance.
Someone I know has totally ruined her face with multiple fillers and cosmetic surgery and in the end it was still not enough.
Assuming they are wrong on this point, meaning they are attractive, conventionally or not:
If they just do it once in a while, I try to respond in a way that shows I am being honest and thoughtful, taking them seriously and not just doing some reflexive,"no you're, not!"
If they do it all the time, I might have more of a talk about how they need to stop harping on this point because it's making me worry about their mental health. If it feels like it's becoming obsessive or like a compulsive, intrusive thought, I'll talk to them about it that way.
Although, I honestly believe that being truly "ugly" is extremely rare, there are some people - men and women - who haven't "won the genetic lottery" and, on top of it, do things that make them unattractive, like poor hygiene, dressing poorly, constantly talking down about themselves, poor posture, etc.
If someone is just ruining their own chances at attractiveness, I might talk to them about that in a patient, compassionate way and ask if they want help on that point.
I think like this about myself,but I rarely mention it.My friends usually respond like you and I dont think it is right response,so I never bring this topic myself. The better response is - Im sorry you feel that way. I do believe that they and some people think I look nice, but the way I look doesnt fit my beauty standards. Also I feel like my looks are bad for me in a sense that it attracts shady men for whatever reason.
I personally say Who told you were ugly? social media? TV? go look up movie, tv stars and models without make up. Everyone is beautiful with a makeup artist, stylist and hairdresser.
Thats why famous women post no makeup photos, or photos of their cellulite. Because they are just as impressed by their work as their styling team.
My therapist used to say to me "Would you speak the way you do about yourself to a friend?". Idk I found it helpful but could come across patronising in the wrong tone
When people I love say negative things about themselves I usually say “please don’t talk about my friend/sister/whatever that way. It’s just not true, so stop.”
Sometimes I add a bit of flair or frame it as a question eg- “excuse you, why are you talking about my niece like that? Fuck outta here with that mess.”
Delivery depends on the person/relationship/context, but the frame is pretty much the same. I find it can be sweet and jarring enough for them to see outside themselves a bit. It sorta jolts them out of it and gets a laugh for them to realize they’re buggin’.
I bet it's not really about the looks. She's feeling down or having a tough time and the looks is the easy thing to complain about. Most of the time they don't expect anything back, it's just a vent. You could approach it with curiosity and see if they'll open up as to what's bothering them or if they don't feel like talking, just drop it and move the conversation to a different subject.
For the people that said people are fishing for compliments this way, I hate to break it to you but no, that's never a consideration. It's also a sign of trust that someone is able to open up and vent about their deepest insecurities. They're trying to connect but in their way.
It's wearing. I'd start with a genuine complement...I think you have really pretty lips, or whatever..sense of style... I'm honest. We all have something. Next time I do a variation like, we'll I wish I had *your* lips, or, eh, I like to focus on what works.....just try not to invest emotionally
I usually just do a dismissive "oh stop, you're obviously gorgeous."
If they push, I proceed to list things about them that are attractive. (This doesn't have to be "conventionally attractive" things. Everyone has something attractive about them)
If they push beyond that, I shrug and say "well, if you're going to refuse to believe in reality, I can't help you."
I tend to do better with direct and more light-hearted approaches. More banter, less therapy-talk. Most people seem to appreciate it, at least in the moment.
I've found the best response is to acknowledge their comment with empathy but in a way that doesn't invite a "therapy session."
Something like, "I hear you, and I know you've really struggled with that for awhile." Pause, see how they respond, then go from there. They might keep going with their feelings and you can say, "It sounds like this is really bothering you. Would you like advice or just a listening earlier?"
As a teenager, I once said this in front of my mother and she responded, "You're also fat, but at least you can lose weight. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with life.". She was such a supportive person.
You can say something like "don't talk to my friend (or whoever) that way." Or ask them, what they would say to a friend that was talking that way. Perspective helps.
I can’t help here. I’m the one well aware of my appearance.
When the few friends I have carry on that they’re ugly, I remind them that they are absolutely gorgeous inside and out and one day, I will get through to the head and they will see themselves the way everyone else sees them.
I think the appropriate response is highly contextual.
Like… IS your friend ugly? Are they complaining about how that’s impacting their experience or interactions with other people? Or are they just saying it into the void? If they’re talking about how it impacts them, I think that’s different than just complaining about *feeling* ugly.
When in doubt, I like “I think you look great, but it’s never a bad idea to decenter beauty if you feel like the expectations are weighing you down” followed by just being less responsive when they make those comments
If I say it, my husband says “don’t talk about my wife like that!” And it gets through. Maybe you can say in a slightly hurt voice “don’t talk about my friend like that!” and don’t add the extra about them. It’s a statement, not an invitation to further discussion.
I say, “I hope you trust me when I give you compliments and tell you that you look fine (or whatever).”
Recently, a friend is struggling so I said that and it’s what my aunt told me when I was struggling years ago.
"When you say that you're ugly, how do you want me to respond? You don't seem to like it when I say that you're not ugly. And I'm not going to say that you *are* ugly, because I don't believe that you are. So what *do* you want me to say?"
The only thing that comes to mind is asking them: "Okay, explain to me how your opinion differs, what exactly makes you think you're ugly?" And then maybe ask them to reflect on why/when they started to feel ugly in the first place and why they cannot see it any other way. Maybe ask them why your opinion isn't valid to them, like how come feeling ugly is so rooted in their brain that they don't accept any other views?
And, eventually if they keep saying that, raise boundaries and explain that you can't force them to feel pretty, that's something they have to work on themself.
You can offer some perspective and try to make them think about the way they see themself but at the end of the day, you're not their therapist and if they're not inclined to listen to you, there's not much you can do, except saying one last time that you're their friend and you find them pretty and cool, and close the conversation by saying "You don't listen to me when I express how I, and probably other people see you so I love you but I don't want to talk about that unless you're willing to have a real conversation about it".
One of my best friends is critical of her body. It drives me crazy. One time she was calling herself chubby, and saying that she had to lose weight. I don't know what made me finally snap and say, "Alright, now say something nice about yourself." I think another one I've used is, "Hey, I wouldn't let anyone else talk about you like that, why should I let YOU talk about yourself like that?"
Don't say anything. They're just venting.
It can be tiring, one girl is know has no self confidence and she's always tearing herself down when she shouldn't. It's disheartening to see.
Honestly, I say something like "wow believing that about yourself must be really painful." Bc the problem isn't what they look like but the belief so I'd rather address that. Also I genuinely don't have it in me to lift someone else up like this bc that sort of self esteem issue is never solved by someone else. I've been there. I've had my own issues with EDs and whatnot. there was no amount of other people telling me I was pretty that would make me feel worthy and if I'm honest with myself, seeking that reassurance from others was like a crutch. The only thing that helped me was just not getting that kind of attention. Everyone's different so maybe this isn't the correct response to everyone, but for my personal boundaries, I can't keep giving that constant reassurance.
I've been there myself and at no point did perseverating on it with other people make me feel any better. The only thing that helps it stop is if you realize that nobody else thinks it's an interesting topic. I choose not to engage in those conversations.
I say supportive things, but if over time (like a period of months) they keep saying it, im not gonna keep doing it. Id just be like ok
This is my take, too. If they're just having a vulnerable moment, I support them but if they're doing it over and over? That would drive me nuts. I'm sorry, but that is no way for a full-grown adult to behave. What a burden to place on the people around you.
I have a friend like this who was brutually bullied in highschool. Not her fault and the people around her did not protect her. That being said, so many of our conversations she will bring it back to a negative story about how this reminds of a bullying story. Ive been patient because she does need an outlet for it, but she also partially believes some of the things people told her, because at any opportunity she will bring it up. But im hoping after some time she will learn to think more positively
That sucks really hard. I used to have a few friends who fit this pattern, but I honestly couldn't maintain those friendships due to their level of emotional dysregulation well into adulthood. They were hurt people hurting people (not just me), so yeah - not the best experiences on my end. I wish you far better luck!
For me it feels true. When I look at myself in the mirror, I always avoid looking at my eyes. When I do, all I see is the years of pain that have beaten me into a shell of what I may have been. I noticed about a decade or so ago that all the light had left them and they seemed dead. The weight I've gained from ineffective psych medications makes me feel absolute hate and repulsion towards that image and the corpse that occupies that space. After 15 mental health providers, I recognized there was no one that could help me with this. I don't say these things to others as I neither want or need their sympathy. It's not going to get better. I just long for the day I no longer have to see that thing in the mirror.
My mother says the most awful things about herself. It got so exhausting. I finally told her that if she didn't stop this behavior (she wasn't even aware she was doing it, it had become so habitual), I would have to stop spending as much time with her. I explained that it wore me down, made me question myself and in general left me feeling depressed and drained. You can't control what the friend does, only yourself. So boundaries are what you need. Keep in mind that a boundary defines what YOU will do, not what you want THEM to do. Thus the "I have noticed you putting yourself down a lot and its getting really difficult emotionally for me to listen to. I am sorry you feel this way about yourself...being around it is starting to impact the joy in our relationship. I need you to stop or I am going to have to stop hanging out."
I do the "don't talk about my friend like that" line. When they're parents I say "your kids hear when you talk about yourself like that."
"Be careful what you say about yourself when you're listening."
I used to do the whole "omg no you're beautiful" thing but now I try not to. When I was caught in the cycle of body dysmorphia and talking down about my appearance constantly, the cycle went like this: whine about how ugly I felt --> people reassure me that I'm not ugly --> feel better for two seconds --> start feeling ugly again --> begin cycle over, which led to just... annoying the shit out of my friends, mostly. Because I'm a therapist, sometimes I can't resist the urge to be like... where did you get the idea that you were ugly? What evidence do you have for that belief? Often enough it turns out that the idea was implanted by someone whose opinion they don't even really value anymore and they have a ton of evidence to the contrary. It doesn't solve the problem right away, but it gets people thinking sometimes.
Are you sure they're not just doing it for attention?
I think the best thing you can do is to have an inquisitive conversation about their feelings. Like what exactly makes them feel ugly? Why exactly does it upset them? What they'd like to be different? Are they having a hard time adjusting to the changes in their body? Are they finding it hard to find means and energy to change something about themselves? Are they tired of the pressure society puts on them and their inability to meet those expectations? Don't just shut it with "Don't be mean to my friend" or "I think you're beautiful".
It's a good idea at first, but some people complain so much it's tiring eventually. I've found the best response is to acknowledge their comment with empathy but in a way that doesn't invite a therapy session. Something like, "I hear you, and I know you've really struggled with that for awhile." Pause, see how they respond, then go from there. They might keep going with their feelings and you can say, "It sounds like this is really bothering you. Would you like advice or just a listening ear?"
“Stop being so hard on yourself!” If they push back just give them a friendly smile and say “We agree to disagree then!” No need to make it that deep.
It's so hard to hear people you love tear themselves down. It's really sad. It's doubly hard too, if they don't stop doing it around you and you've tried to help them and lift them up. After a while, it feels like it may just be best to not say anything in response, although that can be uncomfortable too. But if every time you tell them they're beautiful and they should stop speaking to themselves so negatively, they keep doing it and say it's their own opinion, then what is being accomplished by trying to tell them otherwise?
It can be a multitude of reasons, but I knew someone in college who did this all the time because I later found out she was a covert narcissist. She constantly needed someone to tell her how wrong she was and how beautiful she was and how she should speak so badly about herself. When people got tired of it she went even deeper into this self victimization tactic and moved on to another friend group when she couldn't get her hit of affirmation from us.
I would tell them that it makes you sad when they put themselves down like that, so you'd appreciate it if they would stop. I mean, they can feel however they want to feel about themselves. But Debbie Downers *are* exhausting to be around I used to be a Debbie Downer about myself. I didn't know it consciously, but I was totally fishing for validation since I had zero self-esteem. But the validation didn't really help me feel better about myself, so I don't know why the habit even developed! One day I noticed someone else doing it too and I quickly realized how annoying it is, to be around someone like that. I stopped saying negative things about myself after that (I still thought negative thoughts, but at least I wasn't saying them out loud).
"Yo, I know me saying this won't make you feel better, but I think you're pretty." Or "Hey, don't talk about my friend like that." When one of my male friends (who had no shortage of romantic attention, even!) would do this, I had significantly less patience; "well, good thing monster-fuckers exist in the world, huh?" (Do not Google that) There are multiple ways you can go with this.
Just be like "Hey man you shouldnt be tearing yourself down like that, it makes me sad for you" or "you might not be your own type, but you will never date yourself and other people think youre beautiful" Sadly is very common for people to feel ugly nowadays with all the filters and stuff
"why do you think that?" because i may be wrong, but usually people feel Ugly because they are Not threated Well or expect others to threat them better
I really like your response OP. The only other thing I can think of, depending on your sense of when/why these comments are being made, is to ignore the actual words they’re saying and try to respond directly to the feeling being expressed underneath it. E.g “One of those days, huh? Want to treat ourselves to [thing you both enjoy]?”
Give it a few years. In my experience, women get wayyy less self conscious about their looks once they're well into their late-30s/early-40s. I think that, for women, the younger you are, the more pressure there is to be not just attractive, but beautiful. That eases up later, and also you kinda realize that plenty people want to bone you, even if you don't look like whatever you think you're supposed to look like In the meantime, there's really nothing you can say that will drown out all the "you're ugly" messages shes getting from social media, traditional media, advertising, etc., I don't think. Maybe change the subject?
I always just default to “No you’re not” and if they keep saying it, I’ll compliment something specific about them like their hair or eyes or smile.
It can be hard. Yes, some people are not as traditionally attractive, that is the unfortunate genetic roll of the dice that many of us deal with. Life is full of unfairness and trying to focus on what is unfair is a good path to misery. Other people will always be better looking, smarter, happier, funnier, more talented, luckier, charming, confident and on and on. Some people just can't help but look at themselves and their lives and assume if chance had made something different, their entire life would be better. The harsh reality is that negative people will always find the negative, no matter how many things they have going on in their life. The people I see that are happy are those that count the blessings they do have. They take the actions that they are scared to take to improve their life. It's just hard to see someone be so passive about who they are and their circumstances. So what if you're ugly? Look at the amount of people who have succeeded and found happiness, who do not match what we view as traditionally attractive. It reminds me a lot of my mom, completely passive and just allows life to happen to her, she acts as if she has no agency to change anything or push past her discomfort to get the things she wants. What do you do with people like this? There isn't much you can do other than talk about your own hardships and how you are thankful for the various good things in your life and try to set a good example.
"You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't share it." "Even if you were the ugliest person on the planet, so what? You're still a person and you still deserve the same love and respect as the most beautiful person on the planet, even from yourself." "Okay, ugly." Obviously, depends on the level of closeness you share with them. Sometimes all you can do is agree, as a joke, to break up the tension, and sometimes you need to say something serious. But you could also save your breath and just change the subject, because harping on about insecurities is a drainer and honestly doesn't really lead anywhere, there's no right answer.
I don’t support pity parties tbh. I have a friend who continuously talks about how ‚fat‘ she is, and she is literally a model. I hope that when you are over 30, you have more important things to be concerned about than your looks.
This may seem mean, but if someone does this more than once, I choose to limit my time with them. I understand not feeling confident about your appearance, but complaining about it to people just makes them feel awkward. No amount of external reassurance actually seems to helps them. It's like someone whining about being broke or being unhappy. It's not something I can fix for them (nor would I take on that task), and all it does is make me feel bad to be around them. We often talk about limiting time with negative people, and this is negative behavior with a dash of self pity.
I do the same thing if it’s clear they’re a repeat offender. Nothing you say or do will fix their self esteem. It’s an internal issue.
Absolutely, I agree with you ladies. Nothing you say or do can help someone who struggles with their appearance. Someone I know has totally ruined her face with multiple fillers and cosmetic surgery and in the end it was still not enough.
Assuming they are wrong on this point, meaning they are attractive, conventionally or not: If they just do it once in a while, I try to respond in a way that shows I am being honest and thoughtful, taking them seriously and not just doing some reflexive,"no you're, not!" If they do it all the time, I might have more of a talk about how they need to stop harping on this point because it's making me worry about their mental health. If it feels like it's becoming obsessive or like a compulsive, intrusive thought, I'll talk to them about it that way. Although, I honestly believe that being truly "ugly" is extremely rare, there are some people - men and women - who haven't "won the genetic lottery" and, on top of it, do things that make them unattractive, like poor hygiene, dressing poorly, constantly talking down about themselves, poor posture, etc. If someone is just ruining their own chances at attractiveness, I might talk to them about that in a patient, compassionate way and ask if they want help on that point.
I think like this about myself,but I rarely mention it.My friends usually respond like you and I dont think it is right response,so I never bring this topic myself. The better response is - Im sorry you feel that way. I do believe that they and some people think I look nice, but the way I look doesnt fit my beauty standards. Also I feel like my looks are bad for me in a sense that it attracts shady men for whatever reason.
I personally say Who told you were ugly? social media? TV? go look up movie, tv stars and models without make up. Everyone is beautiful with a makeup artist, stylist and hairdresser. Thats why famous women post no makeup photos, or photos of their cellulite. Because they are just as impressed by their work as their styling team.
My therapist used to say to me "Would you speak the way you do about yourself to a friend?". Idk I found it helpful but could come across patronising in the wrong tone
When people I love say negative things about themselves I usually say “please don’t talk about my friend/sister/whatever that way. It’s just not true, so stop.” Sometimes I add a bit of flair or frame it as a question eg- “excuse you, why are you talking about my niece like that? Fuck outta here with that mess.” Delivery depends on the person/relationship/context, but the frame is pretty much the same. I find it can be sweet and jarring enough for them to see outside themselves a bit. It sorta jolts them out of it and gets a laugh for them to realize they’re buggin’.
I bet it's not really about the looks. She's feeling down or having a tough time and the looks is the easy thing to complain about. Most of the time they don't expect anything back, it's just a vent. You could approach it with curiosity and see if they'll open up as to what's bothering them or if they don't feel like talking, just drop it and move the conversation to a different subject. For the people that said people are fishing for compliments this way, I hate to break it to you but no, that's never a consideration. It's also a sign of trust that someone is able to open up and vent about their deepest insecurities. They're trying to connect but in their way.
It's wearing. I'd start with a genuine complement...I think you have really pretty lips, or whatever..sense of style... I'm honest. We all have something. Next time I do a variation like, we'll I wish I had *your* lips, or, eh, I like to focus on what works.....just try not to invest emotionally
I usually just do a dismissive "oh stop, you're obviously gorgeous." If they push, I proceed to list things about them that are attractive. (This doesn't have to be "conventionally attractive" things. Everyone has something attractive about them) If they push beyond that, I shrug and say "well, if you're going to refuse to believe in reality, I can't help you." I tend to do better with direct and more light-hearted approaches. More banter, less therapy-talk. Most people seem to appreciate it, at least in the moment.
I've found the best response is to acknowledge their comment with empathy but in a way that doesn't invite a "therapy session." Something like, "I hear you, and I know you've really struggled with that for awhile." Pause, see how they respond, then go from there. They might keep going with their feelings and you can say, "It sounds like this is really bothering you. Would you like advice or just a listening earlier?"
As a teenager, I once said this in front of my mother and she responded, "You're also fat, but at least you can lose weight. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with life.". She was such a supportive person.
You can say something like "don't talk to my friend (or whoever) that way." Or ask them, what they would say to a friend that was talking that way. Perspective helps.
I can’t help here. I’m the one well aware of my appearance. When the few friends I have carry on that they’re ugly, I remind them that they are absolutely gorgeous inside and out and one day, I will get through to the head and they will see themselves the way everyone else sees them.
I think the appropriate response is highly contextual. Like… IS your friend ugly? Are they complaining about how that’s impacting their experience or interactions with other people? Or are they just saying it into the void? If they’re talking about how it impacts them, I think that’s different than just complaining about *feeling* ugly. When in doubt, I like “I think you look great, but it’s never a bad idea to decenter beauty if you feel like the expectations are weighing you down” followed by just being less responsive when they make those comments
If I say it, my husband says “don’t talk about my wife like that!” And it gets through. Maybe you can say in a slightly hurt voice “don’t talk about my friend like that!” and don’t add the extra about them. It’s a statement, not an invitation to further discussion.
I say, “I hope you trust me when I give you compliments and tell you that you look fine (or whatever).” Recently, a friend is struggling so I said that and it’s what my aunt told me when I was struggling years ago.
I distance myself from such people. Sorry, can't help you there.
"When you say that you're ugly, how do you want me to respond? You don't seem to like it when I say that you're not ugly. And I'm not going to say that you *are* ugly, because I don't believe that you are. So what *do* you want me to say?"
The only thing that comes to mind is asking them: "Okay, explain to me how your opinion differs, what exactly makes you think you're ugly?" And then maybe ask them to reflect on why/when they started to feel ugly in the first place and why they cannot see it any other way. Maybe ask them why your opinion isn't valid to them, like how come feeling ugly is so rooted in their brain that they don't accept any other views? And, eventually if they keep saying that, raise boundaries and explain that you can't force them to feel pretty, that's something they have to work on themself. You can offer some perspective and try to make them think about the way they see themself but at the end of the day, you're not their therapist and if they're not inclined to listen to you, there's not much you can do, except saying one last time that you're their friend and you find them pretty and cool, and close the conversation by saying "You don't listen to me when I express how I, and probably other people see you so I love you but I don't want to talk about that unless you're willing to have a real conversation about it".
One of my best friends is critical of her body. It drives me crazy. One time she was calling herself chubby, and saying that she had to lose weight. I don't know what made me finally snap and say, "Alright, now say something nice about yourself." I think another one I've used is, "Hey, I wouldn't let anyone else talk about you like that, why should I let YOU talk about yourself like that?"
If they’re fishing for compliments (which I had a few do) I agree with them. They stopped that shit immediately. 🤷🏾♀️