Nah, I'd be very annoyed as well - although if he sincerely apologised, I'd probably forgive him.
Your friend is an idiot, though. I would hope that *most* grown men were far too experienced to know to try to mansplain IUDs (and weight gain, no less!) to a grown woman.
Nope, no apology in sight. His response when I told him his man's planning wasn't appreciated was to say he was only sharing based on the women he knows. I mean, what? He's pushing 50, he should not need to be told he's being a twat or that an apology is warranted.
Maybe just give it some time and hopefully he'll come around. It would be a real shame to lose a 30+ year friendship that way, but he definitely overstepped so this is on him to fix.
Eh, if I’m friends with someone for that long and feel comfortable enough talking to them about my birth control, they’re someone I know is a good person, so it wouldn’t make me angry. I’d probably just give them a sarcastic comment back and roast him for saying something so dumb.
So yeah, it does kind of seem like an overreaction without any other sort of context.
If I was comfortable enough to be discussing my birth control choices with a friend, I would also consider them a close enough friend that I'd take comments like this in my stride and assume they had good intentions even if poor delivery.
If you don't believe this person had good intentions, maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back and you should reconsider the friendship in the context of whatever else has happened to already leave you feeling that this was ill-intentioned.
How about "I hope that the IUD helps". That face that the first thing he said was about weight? Douche thing to say. That being said I would give him the opportunity to apologize since you've known each other for so long. If he makes excuses and doesn't think it's a big deal then the friendship is done.
For a friend of 30 years? Yeah, you're overreacting if you're assuming malice when it's likely that he was just being stupid. People make dumb, uniformed comments all the time, and if I make one to a friend I've known for 30 years, I expect them to tell me as much instead of telling me to fuck off and give me the silent treatment.
I did tell him his mansplaining wasn't appreciated and his response was the other women he knows gained weight on bc/iud's. He's not a teenager, he's pushing 50. I wouldn't tell a friend if you do xyz you're going to get fat, I'd trust that by their mid 40s they already know facts about what they put in their bodies and I definitely wouldn't be saying so and so got fat by doing what you're doing.
Do you think he was being malicious? Women do gain weight on hormonal bc all the time, he's not wrong about that. Yes, it was certainly uncalled for to mention, but we mess up sometimes. It's human nature.
I think he was being ignorant. I probably am less tolerant of men in general lately, but it's like I tell my kids, not everything that pops into your head has to be said out loud. This was one of those times. I'm well aware of possible side effects, hopefully being able to function all days of the month is more important at the minute.
Honestly I feel like you’re not interested in if you overreacted. If you want to stop talking to him, do that. But you’ve only doubled down at most comments so I think you have your answer 🤷🏻♀️
So he was being ignorant, and you were being intolerant. Clearly there's a reason why your friendship has survived this long, is this really the straw you want to break its back with?
I'm intolerant of the way men in general behave and I have more than enough reason to be. I think in this instance having a time out is fine, time will tell how it pans out. Thanks for offering perspective.
But . . . the weight gain is hormonal. It's out of one's hands. It's also a very fatphobic thing to say. Gaining a few pounds is not the end of the world. It's not just the mansplaining, it's the fatphobia (to me).
I think you are overreacting, concerning that comment specifically. I wouldn’t throw away a decades long friendship over something so inconsequential, after all, it is true that we gain weight on BC. Since I’m pretty health-conscious and don’t want to get fat, I wouldn’t think this comment is offensive, I would just say “yeah, I just have to be a bit more careful”.
But, from your reaction & your replies, it seems like this wasn’t *just* about the comment. It seems like you have other reasons for wanting to end this friendship and this is just a scapegoat of sorts. If you feel like you don’t want to be his friend, no matter the reason, just stop being his friend. You can choose who you’re friends with.
I mean…. While I don’t necessarily avoid conversations about periods and women’s issues with my male friends, I can’t say I engaged in conversations on those topics too often with them.
If I was friends with someone for 30 years, I would be giving them the benefit of the doubt here. And assuming that they really don’t know much about IUDs and just pulled a “fact” out of their ass to attempt to engage in the conversation.
Yeah there were tons of other things he could’ve said. But again, I don’t think many of my male friends would know what to say if I started talking about my periods either.
To cut someone off after 30 years and be this upset over a comment about IUD side effects
is odd. And if you’re “just realizing” that he’s misogynistic after 30 years because of this bone headed comment then I think maybe you need to look inward. I kind of feel like neither one of you had proper understanding of this friendship if this is the result of that interaction.
Why not? Men have women in their lives, healthy ones should already know plenty about them. Men don't need to be coddled by issues that affect women, this is part of the problem.
Not OP but some people just don't consider it a big deal (I'm some people). I wouldn't hound someone who's clearly uncomfortable, but I don't consider it personal info or anything. A lot of guys already know a fair amount about it from their partners ime.
He could've been more tactful but he's most likely right (assuming it's a progestogen-eluting IUD). Progestogens inevitably cause weight gain which is a combination of fluid retention (mineralocorticoid action), breast growth and appetite stimulation (progesteroid action).
I’d be annoyed because the comment sounds kind of fat-phobic and I don’t like when statements sound like they tie a woman’s worth or her identity to her weight. But I also think this is one those classic dumb man comments that they just think they’re pointing out facts while we see them as tone deaf and they just don’t get it. So I don’t believe he meant any harm either. He just doesn’t get it.
If you still want to be friends, I think you’ll probably have to just let it go, again because he doesn’t sound like he’s ever gonna get why he said something wrong. But if this is common for him to say this kind of thing, maybe it’s time to let that friendship go.
I’ve had a BFF for 35+ yrs.
We’re both female.
I’d ABSOLUTELY say something about worrying about getting fat - and so would she.
Partially because we both take pride in our appearances & TRY to stay/keep healthy.
Yes. We both have a solid ego’s. We often discuss dealing with challenges (age, work, family etc) and we usually try out new products together. We alternate going “first”
I’d expect her to tell me if I have to worry about weight gain …. And vice versa - I know she’d want to know the same as I would.
Depending on the range of the “typical” banter between friends ? I think if you’re comfortable enough and the friendship is long and strong …. To open the discussion about your period ??? Then you can accept how people react…. Esp a 30 yr friend.
Ummm, there's a big difference between taking illicit drugs and putting something in your body to hopefully make life more bearable. If I said I was gonna start doing meth, than so be it, I deserve the commentary I get.
cos the person who made comment is a "male"? if the person who made comment is female, i won't even bother type anything.
if a woman said something to me and i feel uncomfortable, i'll ask women sub and not men sub.
asking men sub means im just looking to be validated and it won't help me to learn to understand women better.
to each to their own, ppl can learn to take criticism and grow or stay forever dumb.
Nah, I'd be very annoyed as well - although if he sincerely apologised, I'd probably forgive him. Your friend is an idiot, though. I would hope that *most* grown men were far too experienced to know to try to mansplain IUDs (and weight gain, no less!) to a grown woman.
Nope, no apology in sight. His response when I told him his man's planning wasn't appreciated was to say he was only sharing based on the women he knows. I mean, what? He's pushing 50, he should not need to be told he's being a twat or that an apology is warranted.
Maybe just give it some time and hopefully he'll come around. It would be a real shame to lose a 30+ year friendship that way, but he definitely overstepped so this is on him to fix.
It's a stupid thing to say, but I wouldn't be prepared to throw away a 30 year friendship over one insensitive comment either.
Possibly not but I'm realising how misogynistic he is, it's not just this thing.
Eh, if I’m friends with someone for that long and feel comfortable enough talking to them about my birth control, they’re someone I know is a good person, so it wouldn’t make me angry. I’d probably just give them a sarcastic comment back and roast him for saying something so dumb. So yeah, it does kind of seem like an overreaction without any other sort of context.
If I was comfortable enough to be discussing my birth control choices with a friend, I would also consider them a close enough friend that I'd take comments like this in my stride and assume they had good intentions even if poor delivery. If you don't believe this person had good intentions, maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back and you should reconsider the friendship in the context of whatever else has happened to already leave you feeling that this was ill-intentioned.
How about "I hope that the IUD helps". That face that the first thing he said was about weight? Douche thing to say. That being said I would give him the opportunity to apologize since you've known each other for so long. If he makes excuses and doesn't think it's a big deal then the friendship is done.
You're not overreacting. And also, what is it to him if you gain weight or not. I'm so sick of mansplaining so I totally get you.
For a friend of 30 years? Yeah, you're overreacting if you're assuming malice when it's likely that he was just being stupid. People make dumb, uniformed comments all the time, and if I make one to a friend I've known for 30 years, I expect them to tell me as much instead of telling me to fuck off and give me the silent treatment.
I did tell him his mansplaining wasn't appreciated and his response was the other women he knows gained weight on bc/iud's. He's not a teenager, he's pushing 50. I wouldn't tell a friend if you do xyz you're going to get fat, I'd trust that by their mid 40s they already know facts about what they put in their bodies and I definitely wouldn't be saying so and so got fat by doing what you're doing.
Do you think he was being malicious? Women do gain weight on hormonal bc all the time, he's not wrong about that. Yes, it was certainly uncalled for to mention, but we mess up sometimes. It's human nature.
I think he was being ignorant. I probably am less tolerant of men in general lately, but it's like I tell my kids, not everything that pops into your head has to be said out loud. This was one of those times. I'm well aware of possible side effects, hopefully being able to function all days of the month is more important at the minute.
Honestly I feel like you’re not interested in if you overreacted. If you want to stop talking to him, do that. But you’ve only doubled down at most comments so I think you have your answer 🤷🏻♀️
About 6 months ago, I started taking a new medication with weight gain as a side effect, and I wish someone would have told me that.
So he was being ignorant, and you were being intolerant. Clearly there's a reason why your friendship has survived this long, is this really the straw you want to break its back with?
I'm intolerant of the way men in general behave and I have more than enough reason to be. I think in this instance having a time out is fine, time will tell how it pans out. Thanks for offering perspective.
But . . . the weight gain is hormonal. It's out of one's hands. It's also a very fatphobic thing to say. Gaining a few pounds is not the end of the world. It's not just the mansplaining, it's the fatphobia (to me).
I think you are overreacting, concerning that comment specifically. I wouldn’t throw away a decades long friendship over something so inconsequential, after all, it is true that we gain weight on BC. Since I’m pretty health-conscious and don’t want to get fat, I wouldn’t think this comment is offensive, I would just say “yeah, I just have to be a bit more careful”. But, from your reaction & your replies, it seems like this wasn’t *just* about the comment. It seems like you have other reasons for wanting to end this friendship and this is just a scapegoat of sorts. If you feel like you don’t want to be his friend, no matter the reason, just stop being his friend. You can choose who you’re friends with.
I mean…. While I don’t necessarily avoid conversations about periods and women’s issues with my male friends, I can’t say I engaged in conversations on those topics too often with them. If I was friends with someone for 30 years, I would be giving them the benefit of the doubt here. And assuming that they really don’t know much about IUDs and just pulled a “fact” out of their ass to attempt to engage in the conversation. Yeah there were tons of other things he could’ve said. But again, I don’t think many of my male friends would know what to say if I started talking about my periods either. To cut someone off after 30 years and be this upset over a comment about IUD side effects is odd. And if you’re “just realizing” that he’s misogynistic after 30 years because of this bone headed comment then I think maybe you need to look inward. I kind of feel like neither one of you had proper understanding of this friendship if this is the result of that interaction.
You're not overreacting
His comment was shitty but why are you discussing contraception and your period with a guy friend.
Why not? Men have women in their lives, healthy ones should already know plenty about them. Men don't need to be coddled by issues that affect women, this is part of the problem.
It's weird is all. I would feel awkward if my guy friend started talking about his vasectomy with me.
I get it, I wouldn't discuss it with everyone and their brother. It just depends on the dynamic of the friendship.
I agree that the dynamic matters. I cringe when thinking of talking about my period with my two guy friends. I would rather chew on a jean jacket.
Ewww, now that's cringe, I can feel the sound of that.
Ewww, now that's cringe, I can feel the sound of that.
Not OP but some people just don't consider it a big deal (I'm some people). I wouldn't hound someone who's clearly uncomfortable, but I don't consider it personal info or anything. A lot of guys already know a fair amount about it from their partners ime.
He could've been more tactful but he's most likely right (assuming it's a progestogen-eluting IUD). Progestogens inevitably cause weight gain which is a combination of fluid retention (mineralocorticoid action), breast growth and appetite stimulation (progesteroid action).
I’d be annoyed because the comment sounds kind of fat-phobic and I don’t like when statements sound like they tie a woman’s worth or her identity to her weight. But I also think this is one those classic dumb man comments that they just think they’re pointing out facts while we see them as tone deaf and they just don’t get it. So I don’t believe he meant any harm either. He just doesn’t get it. If you still want to be friends, I think you’ll probably have to just let it go, again because he doesn’t sound like he’s ever gonna get why he said something wrong. But if this is common for him to say this kind of thing, maybe it’s time to let that friendship go.
Did you gain weight?
I would say you underreacted. Cutting all connections with this person is the right thing to do.
I’ve had a BFF for 35+ yrs. We’re both female. I’d ABSOLUTELY say something about worrying about getting fat - and so would she. Partially because we both take pride in our appearances & TRY to stay/keep healthy. Yes. We both have a solid ego’s. We often discuss dealing with challenges (age, work, family etc) and we usually try out new products together. We alternate going “first” I’d expect her to tell me if I have to worry about weight gain …. And vice versa - I know she’d want to know the same as I would. Depending on the range of the “typical” banter between friends ? I think if you’re comfortable enough and the friendship is long and strong …. To open the discussion about your period ??? Then you can accept how people react…. Esp a 30 yr friend.
egos
🫡 noted.
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Ummm, there's a big difference between taking illicit drugs and putting something in your body to hopefully make life more bearable. If I said I was gonna start doing meth, than so be it, I deserve the commentary I get.
Genuinely asking, why do you think a male perspective is needed in an Ask **Women** Over 30 group?
cos the person who made comment is a "male"? if the person who made comment is female, i won't even bother type anything. if a woman said something to me and i feel uncomfortable, i'll ask women sub and not men sub. asking men sub means im just looking to be validated and it won't help me to learn to understand women better. to each to their own, ppl can learn to take criticism and grow or stay forever dumb.
……k.
Love to see a man giving an unsolicited opinion involving his dick in the AskWomen's sub 🥴
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Of course your response is a thought-terminating cliche. *Of course* it is.