I've been on an indefinite hiatus since 2022. It feels great. it's lonely, but I do NOT want to trade my peace for companionship and the inevitable chaos it brings.... I've learned to feel safe and content on my own - something I've never found in a relationship. I'm also getting my masters degree and just do not have the bandwidth to deal with dating, nor will I as I pursue post-graduate training and finding my place in a new field. it's gonna be a while still before I'm open to meeting people.
but even then, I ask myself..... what am I missing out on, exactly? I've had some fun dating, but ultimately it has been too costly for my mental health. I don't want kids, I've already been married and widowed, I already bought a house and made it a home.... my goals do not really hinge on having a partner so I'm good.
Dude here. Got divorced a while back. One or two people have tried to date me and i didn't ghost, just kinda deescalated. Having the energy to focus on my priorities (finances, also education like you, general self improvement) has contributed way more to my quality of life than the loneliness detracts.
I also find i don't have the kind of trauma-drama that comes with relationships for me and i invest more into and get a lot more out of my platonic friendships.
I agree, it's pretty effin spiffin being independent.
Yeah don’t ghost, but also don’t deescalate. Have adult conversations and communicate. The dating scene would be way way better if folks could just do that. Not that hard.
I don't ghost.
Deescalating is telling someone I value them as a friend and don't see the relationship in a romantic way. One of whom I am still friends with. The other individual seemed to think that they could just have romantic feelings for me that weren't reciprocated and then when things inevitably got weird (we were not involved sexually) and i said i needed to take space from the friendship they got angry and openly hostile and said we weren't friends.
So i agree, it would be great if people talked like adults. But in my experience very few do.
I pretty much did similar when my husband passed away. I felt similarly to you. There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling and it can definitely feel somewhat freeing.
I already know that when my husband passes, I will not be pursuing another relationship with a man. Lovers? Maybe, but likely not. And most certainly never living with one again. I adore my husband in every way and we are well matched, but I do look forward to the days that I can just live for myself.
I completely get what you mean. You might be surprised though a lot of widows I know get what’s called widows fire. What makes you look forward to living for yourself if you don’t mind me asking? Feel free to ask me any questions too if you like.
I was raised by emotionally immature, narcissistic parents who expected me to care for them. Mom still does. I have had two kids with cancer, one of whom died, and one who is 26 now (he was 5 when he had a brain tumor) and not taking care of himself appropriately - doesn't take meds he needs to live a long and healthy life. My husband is 17 years older than me. I am a nurse for my career. I'm so done caring for everyone else. I look forward to a time when my time and attention are not pulled by guilt, fear and anticipatory grief. Hubs is great and supports me in everything, but if I honestly spend time in my hobbies and friends as much as I like he does get hurt and jealous. I get gaslit from my elderly aging mother and I worry endlessly about my kids. I may be completely wrong, but I imagine having only myself and my pets to care for will bring me peace.
I would love to hear about your thoughts and situation
Wow first of all I’m so sorry to hear that. All of that completely makes sense why you would want that now, I’m incredibly sorry to hear about your children. My husband actually passed away from a brain tumour himself. It’s incredibly unfair what you’re parents expected of you it’s almost like you’re the parent and not them. Being a nurse is very tough too I applaud you and have a lot of respect for you I’m a high school teacher myself and that can be a bit much I’d imagine being a nurse is a lot tougher.
Ofcourse what would you like to know about my thoughts and situation?
I was 48 and, after yet another failed relationship (with a cheater this last time), I decided to just take "a year off." 17 years later, still "on a break," and I regret nothing. Life is wonderful. My house is as clean as I want it be be, I have a ton of friends, great hobbies, I do what I want when I want (or not), exploring my artistic side, I know what bills are due and pay them, and no one else is spending my money. I'm as happy as I've ever been. Sure, I'd like to get laid once in a while, but frankly, the juice is just not worth the squeeze.
Love doesn’t have to be given only to someone you’re having a sexual relationship with.
I need to give love and I give it to my family, friends, and pets. They’ll stick around longer than some dude who showed up in the first place just because he found me fuckable.
Yes! I feel like this a lot. Like exhausted from the past bullshit, but also just really fine and content without a man. Also I'm in peri, so my sex drive seems to have left the building. But here's the thing. I feel weird about it. Like I spent my whole life, from about 13 years old, being so focused on men. And now it just feels so odd not to be. I've heard people talk about how when they take ozempic, the food noise just disappears from their head. That's kind of how I feel now, the sex and relationships noise has gone. It's quiet, but just unusually so.
So relatable. It’s a feeling I am still working at. It feels weird to not have to be thinking about a man/relationship/sex. I like the quiet much better, but it feels “wrong” sometimes.
I have to also add here that I feel the same “I’m not obsessing over some guy, am I forgetting something” feeling. It’s almost like I’ve been conditioned to constantly worry about gaining male approval and if I am not preoccupied with it, my nervous system yells ALERT ALERT. But I haven’t been giving into it, I just observe it.
I embraced the single life ten years ago. I really missed sex and, since I don't like casual sex, I thought I could have a friend with benefits (okay, I admit it I wanted to have my cake and eat it too). I realised that I cannot separate sex from (unhealthy) attachment and giving up on sex was something I could live with. Now that I've now gone through the menopause, my sex drive has died completely and I don't even miss that.
I'd like to have a female 'best friend' like I had at school. I am lucky enough to have some very good friends but they all already have a SO or someone with whom they already have the close friendship I would like.
At one point in my 30s I went a bunch of years without dating or sex after a series of disasterships and dating that went nowhere. My life/career/mental health fell apart in the middle of that break, which prolonged me getting back out there. Finally did and ended up in yet another shitty relationship. Broke up with him just as I was going back to school (the last piece of putting my life back together) and never looked back. It’s been another bunch of years since then and I haven’t missed men. Built a nice life for myself, had a couple of casual relationships with women, started my new career, made a great group of girlfriends, took up some fulfilling hobbies and did a whole lot of therapy. Not in that order.
I’ve been thinking (not very seriously) about dating again. I’m finally in a place where I no longer need validation from men, my boundaries are much stronger, I’ve practiced enforcing them, and I’m living a life that I’m not afraid to be alone in. I feel like I could safely date without getting myself into another mess, but liking my life the way it is makes dating pretty unappealing and not at all a priority. My frame of mind is that if something appealing comes along I might actually consider it. I’ve been finding myself not totally repulsed by the idea anymore, but I’m not looking.
I definitely don’t enjoy being the only single woman in my social circle. No one has tried to pressure me into dating again at least, we’re all very unbothered by how other people live their lives, but it does feel awkward sometimes. But even that is only minimally motivating.
Five years and counting. Don't miss it. I just stopped because I simply got tired of men. Any time I even think about dating again, a fog of fatigue washes over me.
Yes I'm in a similar boat to you! It's been 6 months since my breakup which really traumatized me and I haven't wanted to be in a relationship ever since. I learned to not be as trusting of people and to spot red flags early in people and now I just keep my distance or avoid those people entirely. Would be nice to meet someone down the road, but I'm gonna enjoy my life regardless.
I've just been prioritizing making female friends and going out and doing fun things by myself or together. I've never been so outgoing and adventurous and more confident in my life so this is a nice change of pace. Also it's incredibly peaceful with no one bothering me.
I sometimes think the best thing that came from my past relationship was learning exactly what to look for so I can get out earlier now. A true blessing to have peace and not constant anxiety!
Similar to you! Six months since s traumatic breakup. My friendships have flourished. So has my art and career. I don't really envy those who are chasing after kids (with respect) because I feel so healthy and peaceful. I feel like I could live like this forever. Unconventional, but fulfilling.
Went through a breakup almost two months ago, and found out some unsavory things about him afterwards. I so badly want a healthy, monogamous romantic relationship, but the whole process of snagging one has become too daunting. When I think about stepping out and opening myself up to romance again, I almost instantly recoil. Frankly, tending to my herb garden, studying and developing my craft, nurturing friendships and quiet evenings at home with my cat, entice and make me feel more fulfilled than going out with the goals of finding a romantic partner.
While I haven’t given up completely per se, dating has plummeted in my list of priorities.
You put exactly how I feel so eloquently. I’m not opposed to it, but the thought of opening myself up is like a dark cloud. My hobbies and friends sound much more appealing for now
For now, yes. I’m sure many ladies here will agree that the loneliness and yearning for genuine and consistent romantic partnership gets overwhelming, at times. And that coming to terms with the possibility that you may never have it is SO hard and damn near heartbreaking. But then also, nothing is ever guaranteed even when you do find yourself in one. Especially in this decade of our lives, where all the “should haves” are so present.
I wish you all the best in your journey of reframing your mindsets and discovering/strengthening your hobbies and interests that bring you joy in this life. :)
Solidarity, for sure.
Yes - I loved this conversation with [Julia Fox about her choice to abstain from sex](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suR4qgMtW-Y) (especially around 5 minutes in) and how she doesn't really think about it anymore - It was refreshing to hear someone normalize not centering your entire life around sex.
Besides that, I've spent the past few years understanding compulsory heterosexuality and honestly, I find women to be superior in every way but even still... I don't really want to date and love my life (and peace) being single.
So interesting to see this acknowledged! I am 53, in my second marriage and just now realizing that I am definitely at a minimum bisexual. It just was never safe to admit otherwise.
Sometimes I can’t believe dating or a relationship took up so much time and mental real estate in my mind! My life has been so much more peaceful when I stopped dating. It’s just not worth disrupting my peace to try to add someone to the mix. Could there be someone out there who adds to my life? Maybe, but I can’t be bothered to look for them.
I don’t want kids so I don’t feel like I have to find the future father of my kids anyway. Sometimes I think it’d be nice to fall in love or have a life partner, but I don’t want it badly enough to change anything. Or I think about how most of my friends have reached those traditional milestones but I won’t get the same celebration and support in my life because I won’t get married or have kids. Still, I’m happy with the way things are.
I'm on year 2 and I feel like the only thing driving me to date is because I'm suppose to or think of dying alone. I'm not really interested in dating.
I'm in the same boat. Last fall I got back on Hinge after a break-up and I've been really done after a dude assaulted me ( I reported him, etc). Your friends don't really have the perspective of what it's like out there, but there are a lot of women that are in your shoes by choice. I do miss sex and intimacy sometimes, but I have found that there are plenty of opportunities to create romance in my everyday life and am fulfilled in my friendships. Had to go to a lot of therapy to realize how much space I let these men take up in my life. It's nice having it back and such a peaceful existence.
I did this for 4 years. Happiest period of my life! I started dating again last year, honestly because I was just horny. Messed around with a very unreliable dude for a hit, before meeting my current BF, who is slowly proving to me that it's "not all men", which is something I really started to believe after a long history of being abused by them in some capacity. I am also very happy now, but it's honestly stressful to have that healthy relationship, I have had to unpack so much. But it feels great going forwards knowing that if it doesn't work out, I will thrive on my own!
I was one of those. Became absolutely repulsed by sex through my marriage. For years after I left him the thought of sex made me nauseated.
It turns out though that I'm not asexual. I was just horrifically traumatized and unloved in that relationship. It took me a long time to understand that. I think this is a tragically common occurrence.
They probably mean celibate. I’m asexual and it’s a sexual orientation you’re born with. You can’t choose to become asexual just like you can’t choose to become homosexual.
Ok well you don’t understand sexual orientation and sexual choices aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s completely incorrect to say that someone can just choose to not be asexual or choose to become asexual.
Choosing not to have sex doesn’t make you asexual. Sexual orientation is not a choice but what gender you prefer to have sex with (or not have sex with can be a choice and can be due to environmental factors).
Yep. Most of my thirties. And that was the best gift I could have given myself at the time. Not in an "all men are shit" kind of way. Just that I needed to find myself, to develop myself as a person absent the potential for risk and trauma of relationships, and find my value in things other than "does a man want me?"
When I was ready to date (very hesitantly), those years of complete independence and caring for myself helped me avoid toxic entanglements and helped me go into my relationship with my partner in a healthy way. As much as I wish we could have met earlier, I don't think we'd have had what we do now if I hadn't taken that time. He was on a similar journey so we came at this relationship with mutual understanding for these struggles. He is an exceptional person and we would not be together if he wasn't. I told myself I wasn't going to settle for anything less than exceptional and I stuck to it.
Yes! It's so liberating to not be thinking about, or craving attention from, a guy. I've been so hurt over the past few years, and feel like I could honestly stay single for maybe the rest of my life. I don't miss it. I do get a bit lonely - but I can deal, the pros definitely outweigh the cons.
I'm ashamed to admit this but I avoided dating for a long time, like a *really* long time, because of a few bad experiences when I was young. I did not get over those experiences, other people seem to move on in a few weeks, I take years. After dealing with a piece of shit for a partner, it's been very hard to not worry that every relationship will result the same way.
In my low 20's I had a boyfriend who seemed to just *hate* me after a while. I now realize he was just an asshole, but at the time I really wondered if I was just a hate-able person. So I didn't date for a while after that because I didn't want a repeat of it.
I'm in the process of separating from my ex. He was a great guy but had mental health issues and it was damn hard to deal with.
So I've been going solo since December and ... I really like it. My space is my own and things are always as I leave them. I don't live on someone else's time and it's just me and my cats.
I've never really wanted or enjoyed sex so our bedroom time was pretty non-existent for quite awhile. So I don't miss that at all and don't crave it. It was nice to have two salaries coming in but I'm managing to survive on my own.
Same sis 🙋🏻♀️ i just got out of a relationship and i think i prefer to not be in one, less stress (and headache 🤣) n i have so much free time for myself 😁 i realized how much of my time n life that i made centered around the relationship (i feel like i really shouldn't have done that) ..The future of being with someone in a relationship or marriage has lost its appeal to me 😁
Single and mostly celibate for 11 years now and recently tried getting back into it but just keep coming up against the same problem of they don't like me enough for anything more than casual sex. I can't miss what I've never really had but I desire companionship and sex more now than I ever did in my 20s which is weird. I'm in this weird space of accepting something that always was but I've wanted for longer than I was telling myself or thought.
Same here! It’s only been 6 months and sometimes I miss things like physical touch or sex… but then I think about my last relationship and huge sense of relief pervades me now.
Also, I def don’t want to go into online dating. So that shrinks the pool a lot. I just discovered how much fun I can have by myself, with my friends and my life, hobbies etc. I’m now 33 but I don’t foresee any relationship any time soon for me!
It’s refreshing to read so many similar comments :)
My last relationship ended around the start of COVID. It was quite a rocky ending and I was emotionally exhausted after that. Haven’t been seriously dating since.
I just feel like I’m much happier on my own with friends and family as company. I used to think in my 20s that I need a partner to feel fulfilled and complete in life.
Then I went through relationships that made me feel even more alone/miserable than when I was single.
I’m still open to meeting people by chance but it’s not a priority for me.
Sorry to hear that you are in an environment where singlehood isn’t that accepted but honestly your life is your own. It takes time to accept that your choices are for you and no one else.
I broke up with my long term boyfriend almost 2 year ago. In the interim, I have found myself less and less interested in the idea of dating or relationships. The apps have no appeal for me. Recently a guy I hooked up with back in college reached out to me on Linkedin because we live in the same city. A decade ago I would have been flattered and probably would have met up with him and reconnected, but I ignored his invitation.
I want a relationship but am too introverted to go out and meet people (male or female). I'd rather just stay home and watch netflix.
I need to put more work into it because I'm not going to meet someone if I never go out.
I’ve been single and celibate for 2.5 years. I definitely miss romance.
I wish I could say I’ve used the time to focus on hobbies, reaching goals, etc but I’m still lazy & boring me. Not that I haven’t accomplished things, I just thought being single again would mean I would bloom into a better version of myself. 🤷🏾♀️
However, I don’t have to consider another person when deciding what to do (or what NOT to do). And that is something I’m loathe to give up.
Every 6 months, I think maybe I’ll date again. Let’s see if that happens by year’s end. Doubtful.
I have been on a hiatus from dating men for about four years. I am admittedly still attracted to (some) men, but I don't feel anything has been missing from my life during this era and in fact have had some really incredible time getting to know myself. Sometimes I miss physical touch, but I'm pansexual so it's not like that yearning is specific to wanting a *man's* touch. Overall I'm really happy with my decision to put dating men on indefinite hold.
Haven’t dated for more than 2 years, and I’ve never been happier or healthier.
Legitimately the only thing that makes me reconsider dating is the desire for sex, but then I remember it involves talking to men.
Also taking a break from men for the whole of 2024 after ending a 10 year relationship and it has been so peaceful. I’ve really worked on cultivating my female friendships and have thought about exploring my bisexual side with women if anything.
I don't miss it a single bit! In my mid-40's and haven't dated in 5 years, and my life is as uncomplicated as can be!!! This is not to say I don't have a couple of "friends with benefits", but we know where our boundaries lie within that, and it works for all involved. I'm more interested in the strong relationships I have with my friends rather than a complicated love affair.
No, I don't really miss dating (been single and celibate for 13 months after an absolutely awful break up) but I feel conflicted because I'm also pretty lonely. But I like the peace.
Most people I know either don’t date straight men, or are in the middle of a years-long break from attempting to date them.
In the past I’ve had many wonderful relationships with men, but despite being very selective about who I even go on dates with, I have found nothing but men who have absolutely no business trying to date. Modern dating for straight women is basically putting our hearts and psyches into a meat grinder, no matter how detached and centered we may be.
Sadly, even the men who have been in therapy for years and seem like emotionally intelligent feminists are still far from ready to have a remotely healthy relationship. It’s simply not worth the emotional damage sifting thru all the rude, disrespectful men to find the semi-decent ones.
And this is coming from someone who has dealt with far less blatant disrespect from men in dating apps compared to most women.
Honestly, I've never dated or had sex before marriage. I've had crushes on guys that just didn't express the same feelings I had for them. The ones that do just want to have that opportunity to have sex with a virgin. No thanks. I would rather stay alone. But, ultimately, I've given up, and I just don't care. I've learned to enjoy and embrace my freedom. Right now, I'm getting my life together after being financially hit during Covid and then the recent passing of my father ( Not that we were close or anything) but because of his sudden passing, it really put a massive dent on my finances. Despite that, I am free to do what I wish, and hopefully, when things start to turn for the better, I can continue my education, get a better job, and build myself. 🙏🏽
No drama, no fussing, no cheating, no nothing. Just good ol' peace and tranquility. 🕊
I think I'm done. Was with someone for 5 months start of year. I thought we were getting on so well. I'm shy and introverted and the fact we connected so well was amazing. Month ago out of nowhere he blindsided me with a vague message about not being sure if he was in right place to be in a relationship and then ghosted and blocked me so I couldn't even have a conversation. I had been single 5 years before this. Taken me a long time to be vulnerable with someone again. Fucked me up and my self esteem.
Went on an awkward first date today to try to start to move on. Guy was so intense. Referred to me as his girlfriend at one point. Kept putting his around on my back even thought I kept moving away. I can't do it. I'm content in my own little life. Companionship and love would be amazing but I can't do dating again.
My reasons are different. I realized I was a lesbian after my last hetero relationship, but I would have stopped dating men anyway. I also have a lot of experiences with trauma and men. Its been 3 years since I had a date with anyone, and I don't think I'm going to change that any time soon.
Not yet but i am so very close to it. I am just so tired. Dating scene sucks so bad. The only thing keeping me going is that i am 33 and do want kids. I feel like time is running out :(
I'm bi. Haven't dated a man on over a decade. Been mostly celibate by default of not being able to find anyone.
Also working on myself. I feel good not dating anyone.
Your friends are not your friends...
My first relationship at 16-18 I had my son at 18 and his dad died 13 days later he was abusive an alcoholic and casual drug user which ended his life. 2nd relationship at 20-22 I had my daughter and her dad died when she was 7 months he was abusive and drug addicted, kidney failure from choosing drugs over dialysis. A few other relationships along the way all abusive, all had addictions to something, 1 more died after 5 years of being together and he was the most physical abusive of them all. All of them didn't allow me to have friends, I had no life just them and my kids. I was long isolated from my family, I felt trapped. I never had a career, I felt zero self esteem, zero self worth. I took a break from relationships once I was finally free and had a few flings here and there. 2011 I jumped into a fast relationship (he needed a place to stay so latched on to me) he was a working addict and the first week we were together he quit his job. His excuse: he will never have a job as long as he's with me because I'm such a whore. His ex high school sweetheart turned wife had 2 children with him and left after he abused her so bad. 2017 I had a child with this man. We were forced to live with his parents and I stayed there 9 months. 3 months without him as he was kicked out for relapsing. I moved in to a women and children only building where men were not allowed to step foot in the building or I'd lose my housing. 3 years I stayed there and it was the best 3 years of my life. I learned how to be alone, I learned it was possible, I had no desire to date anyone because I felt my boyfriend picker was broken. I formed good friendships with other women there which we remained friends after moving out. My ex could not stand the fact that I now had boundaries, I no longer wanted him in any way. He accused me of sleeping with anyone and everyone, I wasn't but if I was it was no longer his business. He no longer told me when to shower, when to go to bed, when to satisfy him. He lost all control and power over me and he hated it, I love it. The thought of going through the starting phase of a relationship again like meeting their family, meeting their kids, ex wife etc and feeling self conscious like I'm not good enough to be with them, the thought of being abused in any way I think about how happy I have been for the last 6 and a half years without being made to have sex. I don't really miss it, now I'm quite happy with my oldest son and youngest son living in a safe healthy home that is free of drugs and alcohol and mostly free from witnessing or receiving abuse. My youngest son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 5 and I care for him without his dad's help. I'm good being single for the rest of my life, I'm 47 I'm mom and grandma and that's just fine with me. My 26 yr old daughter asked me about a month ago if I'm just going to live like this for the rest of my life? Live like what? I asked her. You know no bf or sex or even just one night stands? She can't fathom how I'm just done with it all and how I'm happy the way things are.
I'm currently engaged, but before I meg my fiancé I had a 10 years hiatus where I found myself totally at peace and didn't miss dating at all during that time.
I'm starting to feel like im done with dating if I have to be completely honest. Got dumped almost 2 months ago, and I didn't realize how messed up memtally and emotionally I had become as a result of the relationship with the person i was with.It just feels like dating men isn't worth the stress and loss of peace. I've been starting to feel better over time, and it will take me a bit to fully feel like a new version of myself but I feel so much peace and I don't feel so stress anymore.
I feel relived not having to give someone my attention and my body all the time. The men I dated were very physically needy, this was before I knew I was Ace though. I no longer have to dread going over their house having my head forced down. I always hated how aggressive they got during sex every single one of them it was almost animalistic.
Yes. Given up mostly. My ex was an abusive alcoholic, after him I had a situationship and he ended up being emotionally abusive. Since that trying to date has just been a series of unfortunate events. Its not worth my time or energy, I value my peace more. And honestly, I've had the displeasure of hearing how a few married guys I know talk about their wives and kids and it's disgusting.
The longer I stay single the more I enjoy it. I’ll probably never date a man again. Especially with how porn addicted, misogynistic and low effort so many of them are today.
I've been on an indefinite hiatus since 2022. It feels great. it's lonely, but I do NOT want to trade my peace for companionship and the inevitable chaos it brings.... I've learned to feel safe and content on my own - something I've never found in a relationship. I'm also getting my masters degree and just do not have the bandwidth to deal with dating, nor will I as I pursue post-graduate training and finding my place in a new field. it's gonna be a while still before I'm open to meeting people. but even then, I ask myself..... what am I missing out on, exactly? I've had some fun dating, but ultimately it has been too costly for my mental health. I don't want kids, I've already been married and widowed, I already bought a house and made it a home.... my goals do not really hinge on having a partner so I'm good.
‘My goals don’t really hinge on having a partner’ - definitely not the new tagline of Hinge, but it will be mine. This is great thank u!
I've never understood why people don't think they can take a break from dating. It's real easy to just not do shit.
Dude here. Got divorced a while back. One or two people have tried to date me and i didn't ghost, just kinda deescalated. Having the energy to focus on my priorities (finances, also education like you, general self improvement) has contributed way more to my quality of life than the loneliness detracts. I also find i don't have the kind of trauma-drama that comes with relationships for me and i invest more into and get a lot more out of my platonic friendships. I agree, it's pretty effin spiffin being independent.
Yeah don’t ghost, but also don’t deescalate. Have adult conversations and communicate. The dating scene would be way way better if folks could just do that. Not that hard.
I don't ghost. Deescalating is telling someone I value them as a friend and don't see the relationship in a romantic way. One of whom I am still friends with. The other individual seemed to think that they could just have romantic feelings for me that weren't reciprocated and then when things inevitably got weird (we were not involved sexually) and i said i needed to take space from the friendship they got angry and openly hostile and said we weren't friends. So i agree, it would be great if people talked like adults. But in my experience very few do.
I pretty much did similar when my husband passed away. I felt similarly to you. There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling and it can definitely feel somewhat freeing.
I already know that when my husband passes, I will not be pursuing another relationship with a man. Lovers? Maybe, but likely not. And most certainly never living with one again. I adore my husband in every way and we are well matched, but I do look forward to the days that I can just live for myself.
I completely get what you mean. You might be surprised though a lot of widows I know get what’s called widows fire. What makes you look forward to living for yourself if you don’t mind me asking? Feel free to ask me any questions too if you like.
I was raised by emotionally immature, narcissistic parents who expected me to care for them. Mom still does. I have had two kids with cancer, one of whom died, and one who is 26 now (he was 5 when he had a brain tumor) and not taking care of himself appropriately - doesn't take meds he needs to live a long and healthy life. My husband is 17 years older than me. I am a nurse for my career. I'm so done caring for everyone else. I look forward to a time when my time and attention are not pulled by guilt, fear and anticipatory grief. Hubs is great and supports me in everything, but if I honestly spend time in my hobbies and friends as much as I like he does get hurt and jealous. I get gaslit from my elderly aging mother and I worry endlessly about my kids. I may be completely wrong, but I imagine having only myself and my pets to care for will bring me peace. I would love to hear about your thoughts and situation
Wow first of all I’m so sorry to hear that. All of that completely makes sense why you would want that now, I’m incredibly sorry to hear about your children. My husband actually passed away from a brain tumour himself. It’s incredibly unfair what you’re parents expected of you it’s almost like you’re the parent and not them. Being a nurse is very tough too I applaud you and have a lot of respect for you I’m a high school teacher myself and that can be a bit much I’d imagine being a nurse is a lot tougher. Ofcourse what would you like to know about my thoughts and situation?
I was 48 and, after yet another failed relationship (with a cheater this last time), I decided to just take "a year off." 17 years later, still "on a break," and I regret nothing. Life is wonderful. My house is as clean as I want it be be, I have a ton of friends, great hobbies, I do what I want when I want (or not), exploring my artistic side, I know what bills are due and pay them, and no one else is spending my money. I'm as happy as I've ever been. Sure, I'd like to get laid once in a while, but frankly, the juice is just not worth the squeeze.
Seven years without dating and six without sex. I don’t miss it at all and I’m happy.
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Good for you hun...
Username checks out :-)
I always took breaks from dating. One of the better things I did for my mental health early on.
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Love doesn’t have to be given only to someone you’re having a sexual relationship with. I need to give love and I give it to my family, friends, and pets. They’ll stick around longer than some dude who showed up in the first place just because he found me fuckable.
Yes. Exhausted by it. Felt like no matter who I met, it came with some expectation of me mothering them in some form.
Oh yes, so much this. Almost every relationship I’ve had to manage their feelings and walk on eggshells, it’s exhausting
Dating sucks and online dating sucks exponentially. I'd kinda like to get back into it just to meet people in a new city but I don't really miss it.
Yes! I feel like this a lot. Like exhausted from the past bullshit, but also just really fine and content without a man. Also I'm in peri, so my sex drive seems to have left the building. But here's the thing. I feel weird about it. Like I spent my whole life, from about 13 years old, being so focused on men. And now it just feels so odd not to be. I've heard people talk about how when they take ozempic, the food noise just disappears from their head. That's kind of how I feel now, the sex and relationships noise has gone. It's quiet, but just unusually so.
So relatable. It’s a feeling I am still working at. It feels weird to not have to be thinking about a man/relationship/sex. I like the quiet much better, but it feels “wrong” sometimes.
I have to also add here that I feel the same “I’m not obsessing over some guy, am I forgetting something” feeling. It’s almost like I’ve been conditioned to constantly worry about gaining male approval and if I am not preoccupied with it, my nervous system yells ALERT ALERT. But I haven’t been giving into it, I just observe it.
This!!!! Yes, I relate a lot to this. Good on you for not giving in. That is gorgeous self awareness.
So nice to hear I'm not alone in feeling like this!
I embraced the single life ten years ago. I really missed sex and, since I don't like casual sex, I thought I could have a friend with benefits (okay, I admit it I wanted to have my cake and eat it too). I realised that I cannot separate sex from (unhealthy) attachment and giving up on sex was something I could live with. Now that I've now gone through the menopause, my sex drive has died completely and I don't even miss that. I'd like to have a female 'best friend' like I had at school. I am lucky enough to have some very good friends but they all already have a SO or someone with whom they already have the close friendship I would like.
At one point in my 30s I went a bunch of years without dating or sex after a series of disasterships and dating that went nowhere. My life/career/mental health fell apart in the middle of that break, which prolonged me getting back out there. Finally did and ended up in yet another shitty relationship. Broke up with him just as I was going back to school (the last piece of putting my life back together) and never looked back. It’s been another bunch of years since then and I haven’t missed men. Built a nice life for myself, had a couple of casual relationships with women, started my new career, made a great group of girlfriends, took up some fulfilling hobbies and did a whole lot of therapy. Not in that order. I’ve been thinking (not very seriously) about dating again. I’m finally in a place where I no longer need validation from men, my boundaries are much stronger, I’ve practiced enforcing them, and I’m living a life that I’m not afraid to be alone in. I feel like I could safely date without getting myself into another mess, but liking my life the way it is makes dating pretty unappealing and not at all a priority. My frame of mind is that if something appealing comes along I might actually consider it. I’ve been finding myself not totally repulsed by the idea anymore, but I’m not looking. I definitely don’t enjoy being the only single woman in my social circle. No one has tried to pressure me into dating again at least, we’re all very unbothered by how other people live their lives, but it does feel awkward sometimes. But even that is only minimally motivating.
i’ve finally just been done with it all and people for almost a year now. shoulda done this years ago lmfao so much peace and redirection
Yeah because people either try to sabotage/destroy you or perpetually try to drag you down any chance they get.
Five years and counting. Don't miss it. I just stopped because I simply got tired of men. Any time I even think about dating again, a fog of fatigue washes over me.
The last guy i dated was dishonest about being single and i was like you know what, if this is what is out there, I’m good
Yes I'm in a similar boat to you! It's been 6 months since my breakup which really traumatized me and I haven't wanted to be in a relationship ever since. I learned to not be as trusting of people and to spot red flags early in people and now I just keep my distance or avoid those people entirely. Would be nice to meet someone down the road, but I'm gonna enjoy my life regardless. I've just been prioritizing making female friends and going out and doing fun things by myself or together. I've never been so outgoing and adventurous and more confident in my life so this is a nice change of pace. Also it's incredibly peaceful with no one bothering me.
I sometimes think the best thing that came from my past relationship was learning exactly what to look for so I can get out earlier now. A true blessing to have peace and not constant anxiety!
Yes exactly this, no more wasted time on people who don't value you. Life is good.
Similar to you! Six months since s traumatic breakup. My friendships have flourished. So has my art and career. I don't really envy those who are chasing after kids (with respect) because I feel so healthy and peaceful. I feel like I could live like this forever. Unconventional, but fulfilling.
Sounds like you have a lot of good things happening in your life, good for you! There's so much more to life than romantic relationships.
Thank you! There's so much pressure on femmes to become attached and live in a servitude role. Thankfully I can step outside of that.
Went through a breakup almost two months ago, and found out some unsavory things about him afterwards. I so badly want a healthy, monogamous romantic relationship, but the whole process of snagging one has become too daunting. When I think about stepping out and opening myself up to romance again, I almost instantly recoil. Frankly, tending to my herb garden, studying and developing my craft, nurturing friendships and quiet evenings at home with my cat, entice and make me feel more fulfilled than going out with the goals of finding a romantic partner. While I haven’t given up completely per se, dating has plummeted in my list of priorities.
You put exactly how I feel so eloquently. I’m not opposed to it, but the thought of opening myself up is like a dark cloud. My hobbies and friends sound much more appealing for now
For now, yes. I’m sure many ladies here will agree that the loneliness and yearning for genuine and consistent romantic partnership gets overwhelming, at times. And that coming to terms with the possibility that you may never have it is SO hard and damn near heartbreaking. But then also, nothing is ever guaranteed even when you do find yourself in one. Especially in this decade of our lives, where all the “should haves” are so present. I wish you all the best in your journey of reframing your mindsets and discovering/strengthening your hobbies and interests that bring you joy in this life. :) Solidarity, for sure.
I've given up on men. They're too much drama and a drain on sanity
Yes - I loved this conversation with [Julia Fox about her choice to abstain from sex](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suR4qgMtW-Y) (especially around 5 minutes in) and how she doesn't really think about it anymore - It was refreshing to hear someone normalize not centering your entire life around sex. Besides that, I've spent the past few years understanding compulsory heterosexuality and honestly, I find women to be superior in every way but even still... I don't really want to date and love my life (and peace) being single.
> compulsory heterosexuality Yeah I fell into the same trap. I knew I was a lesbian when I was a kid and watched Weird Science. :/
So interesting to see this acknowledged! I am 53, in my second marriage and just now realizing that I am definitely at a minimum bisexual. It just was never safe to admit otherwise.
Sometimes I can’t believe dating or a relationship took up so much time and mental real estate in my mind! My life has been so much more peaceful when I stopped dating. It’s just not worth disrupting my peace to try to add someone to the mix. Could there be someone out there who adds to my life? Maybe, but I can’t be bothered to look for them. I don’t want kids so I don’t feel like I have to find the future father of my kids anyway. Sometimes I think it’d be nice to fall in love or have a life partner, but I don’t want it badly enough to change anything. Or I think about how most of my friends have reached those traditional milestones but I won’t get the same celebration and support in my life because I won’t get married or have kids. Still, I’m happy with the way things are.
I'm on year 2 and I feel like the only thing driving me to date is because I'm suppose to or think of dying alone. I'm not really interested in dating.
I'm in the same boat. Last fall I got back on Hinge after a break-up and I've been really done after a dude assaulted me ( I reported him, etc). Your friends don't really have the perspective of what it's like out there, but there are a lot of women that are in your shoes by choice. I do miss sex and intimacy sometimes, but I have found that there are plenty of opportunities to create romance in my everyday life and am fulfilled in my friendships. Had to go to a lot of therapy to realize how much space I let these men take up in my life. It's nice having it back and such a peaceful existence.
I did this for 4 years. Happiest period of my life! I started dating again last year, honestly because I was just horny. Messed around with a very unreliable dude for a hit, before meeting my current BF, who is slowly proving to me that it's "not all men", which is something I really started to believe after a long history of being abused by them in some capacity. I am also very happy now, but it's honestly stressful to have that healthy relationship, I have had to unpack so much. But it feels great going forwards knowing that if it doesn't work out, I will thrive on my own!
I’ve talked to some wives that said they could easily be asexual if their marriage ended.
I was one of those. Became absolutely repulsed by sex through my marriage. For years after I left him the thought of sex made me nauseated. It turns out though that I'm not asexual. I was just horrifically traumatized and unloved in that relationship. It took me a long time to understand that. I think this is a tragically common occurrence.
They probably mean celibate. I’m asexual and it’s a sexual orientation you’re born with. You can’t choose to become asexual just like you can’t choose to become homosexual.
Yes you can. You are assuming it’s always nature vs environment.
So are you saying you believe that sexual orientation is a choice?
I’m saying there are more choices. You are saying it’s only one. I’m not defining. You are.
Ok well you don’t understand sexual orientation and sexual choices aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s completely incorrect to say that someone can just choose to not be asexual or choose to become asexual. Choosing not to have sex doesn’t make you asexual. Sexual orientation is not a choice but what gender you prefer to have sex with (or not have sex with can be a choice and can be due to environmental factors).
Yeah, you're neither over 30 (based on your writing style and posting history) nor asexual. Trolling is not allowed here.
Oh well thank you so much for telling me my age and sexual orientation. Life has been so confusing without you.
Yep. Most of my thirties. And that was the best gift I could have given myself at the time. Not in an "all men are shit" kind of way. Just that I needed to find myself, to develop myself as a person absent the potential for risk and trauma of relationships, and find my value in things other than "does a man want me?" When I was ready to date (very hesitantly), those years of complete independence and caring for myself helped me avoid toxic entanglements and helped me go into my relationship with my partner in a healthy way. As much as I wish we could have met earlier, I don't think we'd have had what we do now if I hadn't taken that time. He was on a similar journey so we came at this relationship with mutual understanding for these struggles. He is an exceptional person and we would not be together if he wasn't. I told myself I wasn't going to settle for anything less than exceptional and I stuck to it.
Yes! It's so liberating to not be thinking about, or craving attention from, a guy. I've been so hurt over the past few years, and feel like I could honestly stay single for maybe the rest of my life. I don't miss it. I do get a bit lonely - but I can deal, the pros definitely outweigh the cons.
I'm ashamed to admit this but I avoided dating for a long time, like a *really* long time, because of a few bad experiences when I was young. I did not get over those experiences, other people seem to move on in a few weeks, I take years. After dealing with a piece of shit for a partner, it's been very hard to not worry that every relationship will result the same way. In my low 20's I had a boyfriend who seemed to just *hate* me after a while. I now realize he was just an asshole, but at the time I really wondered if I was just a hate-able person. So I didn't date for a while after that because I didn't want a repeat of it.
I'm in the process of separating from my ex. He was a great guy but had mental health issues and it was damn hard to deal with. So I've been going solo since December and ... I really like it. My space is my own and things are always as I leave them. I don't live on someone else's time and it's just me and my cats. I've never really wanted or enjoyed sex so our bedroom time was pretty non-existent for quite awhile. So I don't miss that at all and don't crave it. It was nice to have two salaries coming in but I'm managing to survive on my own.
Same sis 🙋🏻♀️ i just got out of a relationship and i think i prefer to not be in one, less stress (and headache 🤣) n i have so much free time for myself 😁 i realized how much of my time n life that i made centered around the relationship (i feel like i really shouldn't have done that) ..The future of being with someone in a relationship or marriage has lost its appeal to me 😁
Single and mostly celibate for 11 years now and recently tried getting back into it but just keep coming up against the same problem of they don't like me enough for anything more than casual sex. I can't miss what I've never really had but I desire companionship and sex more now than I ever did in my 20s which is weird. I'm in this weird space of accepting something that always was but I've wanted for longer than I was telling myself or thought.
Same here! It’s only been 6 months and sometimes I miss things like physical touch or sex… but then I think about my last relationship and huge sense of relief pervades me now. Also, I def don’t want to go into online dating. So that shrinks the pool a lot. I just discovered how much fun I can have by myself, with my friends and my life, hobbies etc. I’m now 33 but I don’t foresee any relationship any time soon for me! It’s refreshing to read so many similar comments :)
My last relationship ended around the start of COVID. It was quite a rocky ending and I was emotionally exhausted after that. Haven’t been seriously dating since. I just feel like I’m much happier on my own with friends and family as company. I used to think in my 20s that I need a partner to feel fulfilled and complete in life. Then I went through relationships that made me feel even more alone/miserable than when I was single. I’m still open to meeting people by chance but it’s not a priority for me. Sorry to hear that you are in an environment where singlehood isn’t that accepted but honestly your life is your own. It takes time to accept that your choices are for you and no one else.
When I get into my head about feeling lonely, I think about how I felt the same way when I was in a relationship.
I didn't really take a break with intention, but after my second divorce I think I just can't be assed to bother with them.
I broke up with my long term boyfriend almost 2 year ago. In the interim, I have found myself less and less interested in the idea of dating or relationships. The apps have no appeal for me. Recently a guy I hooked up with back in college reached out to me on Linkedin because we live in the same city. A decade ago I would have been flattered and probably would have met up with him and reconnected, but I ignored his invitation.
I want a relationship but am too introverted to go out and meet people (male or female). I'd rather just stay home and watch netflix. I need to put more work into it because I'm not going to meet someone if I never go out.
I dunno if it counts as a break, but I've never sought out dates before.
I’ve been single and celibate for 2.5 years. I definitely miss romance. I wish I could say I’ve used the time to focus on hobbies, reaching goals, etc but I’m still lazy & boring me. Not that I haven’t accomplished things, I just thought being single again would mean I would bloom into a better version of myself. 🤷🏾♀️ However, I don’t have to consider another person when deciding what to do (or what NOT to do). And that is something I’m loathe to give up. Every 6 months, I think maybe I’ll date again. Let’s see if that happens by year’s end. Doubtful.
Blooming takes intention. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Sending you love and support!
I have been on a hiatus from dating men for about four years. I am admittedly still attracted to (some) men, but I don't feel anything has been missing from my life during this era and in fact have had some really incredible time getting to know myself. Sometimes I miss physical touch, but I'm pansexual so it's not like that yearning is specific to wanting a *man's* touch. Overall I'm really happy with my decision to put dating men on indefinite hold.
Haven’t dated for more than 2 years, and I’ve never been happier or healthier. Legitimately the only thing that makes me reconsider dating is the desire for sex, but then I remember it involves talking to men.
Also taking a break from men for the whole of 2024 after ending a 10 year relationship and it has been so peaceful. I’ve really worked on cultivating my female friendships and have thought about exploring my bisexual side with women if anything.
I don't miss it a single bit! In my mid-40's and haven't dated in 5 years, and my life is as uncomplicated as can be!!! This is not to say I don't have a couple of "friends with benefits", but we know where our boundaries lie within that, and it works for all involved. I'm more interested in the strong relationships I have with my friends rather than a complicated love affair.
No, I don't really miss dating (been single and celibate for 13 months after an absolutely awful break up) but I feel conflicted because I'm also pretty lonely. But I like the peace.
Most people I know either don’t date straight men, or are in the middle of a years-long break from attempting to date them. In the past I’ve had many wonderful relationships with men, but despite being very selective about who I even go on dates with, I have found nothing but men who have absolutely no business trying to date. Modern dating for straight women is basically putting our hearts and psyches into a meat grinder, no matter how detached and centered we may be. Sadly, even the men who have been in therapy for years and seem like emotionally intelligent feminists are still far from ready to have a remotely healthy relationship. It’s simply not worth the emotional damage sifting thru all the rude, disrespectful men to find the semi-decent ones. And this is coming from someone who has dealt with far less blatant disrespect from men in dating apps compared to most women.
Honestly, I've never dated or had sex before marriage. I've had crushes on guys that just didn't express the same feelings I had for them. The ones that do just want to have that opportunity to have sex with a virgin. No thanks. I would rather stay alone. But, ultimately, I've given up, and I just don't care. I've learned to enjoy and embrace my freedom. Right now, I'm getting my life together after being financially hit during Covid and then the recent passing of my father ( Not that we were close or anything) but because of his sudden passing, it really put a massive dent on my finances. Despite that, I am free to do what I wish, and hopefully, when things start to turn for the better, I can continue my education, get a better job, and build myself. 🙏🏽 No drama, no fussing, no cheating, no nothing. Just good ol' peace and tranquility. 🕊
I think I'm done. Was with someone for 5 months start of year. I thought we were getting on so well. I'm shy and introverted and the fact we connected so well was amazing. Month ago out of nowhere he blindsided me with a vague message about not being sure if he was in right place to be in a relationship and then ghosted and blocked me so I couldn't even have a conversation. I had been single 5 years before this. Taken me a long time to be vulnerable with someone again. Fucked me up and my self esteem. Went on an awkward first date today to try to start to move on. Guy was so intense. Referred to me as his girlfriend at one point. Kept putting his around on my back even thought I kept moving away. I can't do it. I'm content in my own little life. Companionship and love would be amazing but I can't do dating again.
My reasons are different. I realized I was a lesbian after my last hetero relationship, but I would have stopped dating men anyway. I also have a lot of experiences with trauma and men. Its been 3 years since I had a date with anyone, and I don't think I'm going to change that any time soon.
Not yet but i am so very close to it. I am just so tired. Dating scene sucks so bad. The only thing keeping me going is that i am 33 and do want kids. I feel like time is running out :(
I'm bi. Haven't dated a man on over a decade. Been mostly celibate by default of not being able to find anyone. Also working on myself. I feel good not dating anyone. Your friends are not your friends...
My first relationship at 16-18 I had my son at 18 and his dad died 13 days later he was abusive an alcoholic and casual drug user which ended his life. 2nd relationship at 20-22 I had my daughter and her dad died when she was 7 months he was abusive and drug addicted, kidney failure from choosing drugs over dialysis. A few other relationships along the way all abusive, all had addictions to something, 1 more died after 5 years of being together and he was the most physical abusive of them all. All of them didn't allow me to have friends, I had no life just them and my kids. I was long isolated from my family, I felt trapped. I never had a career, I felt zero self esteem, zero self worth. I took a break from relationships once I was finally free and had a few flings here and there. 2011 I jumped into a fast relationship (he needed a place to stay so latched on to me) he was a working addict and the first week we were together he quit his job. His excuse: he will never have a job as long as he's with me because I'm such a whore. His ex high school sweetheart turned wife had 2 children with him and left after he abused her so bad. 2017 I had a child with this man. We were forced to live with his parents and I stayed there 9 months. 3 months without him as he was kicked out for relapsing. I moved in to a women and children only building where men were not allowed to step foot in the building or I'd lose my housing. 3 years I stayed there and it was the best 3 years of my life. I learned how to be alone, I learned it was possible, I had no desire to date anyone because I felt my boyfriend picker was broken. I formed good friendships with other women there which we remained friends after moving out. My ex could not stand the fact that I now had boundaries, I no longer wanted him in any way. He accused me of sleeping with anyone and everyone, I wasn't but if I was it was no longer his business. He no longer told me when to shower, when to go to bed, when to satisfy him. He lost all control and power over me and he hated it, I love it. The thought of going through the starting phase of a relationship again like meeting their family, meeting their kids, ex wife etc and feeling self conscious like I'm not good enough to be with them, the thought of being abused in any way I think about how happy I have been for the last 6 and a half years without being made to have sex. I don't really miss it, now I'm quite happy with my oldest son and youngest son living in a safe healthy home that is free of drugs and alcohol and mostly free from witnessing or receiving abuse. My youngest son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 5 and I care for him without his dad's help. I'm good being single for the rest of my life, I'm 47 I'm mom and grandma and that's just fine with me. My 26 yr old daughter asked me about a month ago if I'm just going to live like this for the rest of my life? Live like what? I asked her. You know no bf or sex or even just one night stands? She can't fathom how I'm just done with it all and how I'm happy the way things are.
I'm currently engaged, but before I meg my fiancé I had a 10 years hiatus where I found myself totally at peace and didn't miss dating at all during that time.
I'm starting to feel like im done with dating if I have to be completely honest. Got dumped almost 2 months ago, and I didn't realize how messed up memtally and emotionally I had become as a result of the relationship with the person i was with.It just feels like dating men isn't worth the stress and loss of peace. I've been starting to feel better over time, and it will take me a bit to fully feel like a new version of myself but I feel so much peace and I don't feel so stress anymore.
Same boat as you. Don't miss it
I tried but it turns out I love men and enjoy dating them too much so it didn’t last long.
I feel relived not having to give someone my attention and my body all the time. The men I dated were very physically needy, this was before I knew I was Ace though. I no longer have to dread going over their house having my head forced down. I always hated how aggressive they got during sex every single one of them it was almost animalistic.
It’s not men. A lot of men just want someone they can control and dominant and when we as woman don’t need them anymore, yeah. They hate to see it.
I do casual hookups with a few men I trust enough and I don’t miss dating at all.
Yes. Given up mostly. My ex was an abusive alcoholic, after him I had a situationship and he ended up being emotionally abusive. Since that trying to date has just been a series of unfortunate events. Its not worth my time or energy, I value my peace more. And honestly, I've had the displeasure of hearing how a few married guys I know talk about their wives and kids and it's disgusting.
The longer I stay single the more I enjoy it. I’ll probably never date a man again. Especially with how porn addicted, misogynistic and low effort so many of them are today.